Ione Skye, Alex Fernie, Rekha Shankar
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Red Sky at Night, Sailor's Delight, Red Sky at Morning, I Think That Goat Kicked You in the Face and Your Eyes Full of Blood, Sailor. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. All right, thank you to Colfax McLiverneck for that catchphrase submission. Catchphrase superstar Colfax McLiverneck.

It's a little difficult to say. I think I am going to pass on that one. But thank you so much, Colfax. Wonderful to see you still submitting catchphrases this many years into the show. And wonderful that you're all listening this many years into the show, even if this is your first show or maybe it's your last show.

I wouldn't blame you. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang, and we have a wonderful show today. Coming up, we have an anti-aging pioneer. This is exciting. I mean, aging, we all want to know how to stop it. We all want to know, like, can we freeze exactly where we are or even go backwards a little bit, if you know what I mean? But we're going to be talking to that person a little later. We also have a competitive eater.

which is great for a podcast. I think the sounds of eating will be very wonderful for about half of the audience to hear. But before we get to them, let's get to our guest of honor. She is joining the exclusive One-Timers Club, which is so exclusive. Who is in the One-Timers Club? We have, of course, Donald Glover, Childish Gambino. We have Ben Stiller.

We have, who else is in the One-Timers Club? Those are the only two I can think of. I heard Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd is in the One-Timers Club. That's right. This is an exclusive club. It's fantastic to have you in it. She is an actor who you would know from such wonderful films as The Razor's Edge. Yes.

Say anything. The Razor's Edge with, who is that? Bill Murray. Bill Murray, yes. Oh, no, wait, what was it? River's Edge. River's Edge, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember, he did that serious film. Yeah, like the same year as Ghostbusters. Yeah, but I liked it. I was into it. I didn't see it. I remember him standing on like a flat boat. A Razor's Edge. Yeah, he was, yeah, he was good at things. Was that the most of the film, him standing on this boat? I think so. Yeah.

River's Edge, of course, is what I'm talking about. It's very confusing because River is your old friend. I know. But he wasn't in it. No. And it was Crispin Glade. It should have been called Crispin's Edge. It should have. He was very edgy in it. He was edgy in it. You remember that sideways mullet? Yeah. It kept falling off and it was good. She now, though, is an author? Yes.

I am. An author, her book, Say Anything, or sorry, Say Everything. I'm getting all the titles wrong today. No, I've made it confusing just so I would mess up myself. What if you called it State Everything? Okay. Then it's like so far away from Say Anything that people wouldn't confuse it. Exactly. Aver Anything. A lot of statements.

But this comes out this week. It is a memoir, which is exciting. Please welcome, for the first time, Ione Skye. Hello. Hello. So wonderful to have you on the show. Thank you. You say you've heard Paul Rudd, so you've heard an episode of this before? I have. I've heard probably seven or eight. Seven or eight. Okay. But you are a Threedom listener, perhaps? Oh, major. Major.

Would you call yourself the name that everyone calls themselves when they're a Threedom listener? Oh my God. Wait, what is it? Isn't it something bad or something? I mean, they decided to be called that, so I don't know. So that didn't penetrate my brain because I was too vain to call myself that. But yeah, I'm well in. Fantastic. Well, it's wonderful to have you on the show. Thank you. I, of course, a big fan of yours. Thank you.

the films, even though I can't remember what they're called. And this new book, I've read it, if you can believe that. I read a whole book. Thank you. That's amazing. Well, even my dyslexic friends that I gave, they said they haven't read a book in like five years, but they couldn't put it down. So that's my pitch. Because they couldn't figure out how to read it, probably. Yeah.

What do I do with this thing? Do I put it down or keep trying? I don't know. But it's wonderful. It's a memoir about your, would you say it covers mainly your early life? Yeah.

Yeah. And then the end gets just rushed, rushed in there. So people know I'm OK. When is your when is your current husband coming into this? Exactly. 20 pages before the end. Just, you know, but if you want to know, I make it and I'm I'm a great better than ever. Just go. In fact, I gave it to Crispin at one one point and he said I had to read the end first just to make sure because I'll read memoirs and stop if I know that it's like a bad end.

Oh, really? I don't want to hear the years they're taking pills in a bed. I'm like, Marlena Dietrich, I want you to be happy at the way end. Right, yes. But this is a happy ending. This one has a happy ending, although we're not at the ending yet. That's true. Unless you die in the middle of this podcast. I might. Okay. And that would be a very happy ending, I think, to be on this show. Yeah, actually. So it covers your...

Early life as well as I mean it covers a fair bit of your life even before you start acting. Yeah. Yeah I had no idea that you had a famous father right? I had no idea but your father is Donovan this mellow yellow sunshine Superman

Hurdy-gurdy man. He wrote a lot about men doing like, oh wow, Superman, you love the song. I used to sing Sunshine Superman when Batman Superman came out. I would go, Batman Superman fucking around. Yeah. And it was in my head constantly. I love those. I love those scenes. He also has a bizarre song, Atlantis, but it's in Goodfellas, but it's this amazing just voice acting.

over he does about Atlantis. He loves Atlantis. Where is it in Goodfellas? I don't remember them going to Atlantis in Goodfellas. I know, it's just on the soundtrack. I did leave for about five minutes to go to the bathroom. Did they swim down to the bottom of the ocean? Yes, they did with my dad. Is that a surprise to you when you are watching a movie like Goodfellas? And does no one tip you off to suddenly you hear...

your estranged father's... I love, like, the only time we've worked together is, I think we're both in Zodiac, because I'm in Zodiac and his song is, so I felt very excited about that. Oh, yes. Because it's like we sort of work together. Zodiac, of course, Paul F. Tompkins' comfort watch. Oh, it is. Oh, the mood of that, I get it. It's very cozy. There's something about that vibe. You know it's about a serial killer. Yeah. You never see anyone, spoiler, I guess, you never see anyone actually get killed in it,

right? Yeah, I don't think so. It's just all about trying to find a guy and people are wearing sweaters. Yeah, exactly. The whole sweater and the mood and the look is good. So you have this famous father, but you don't know him. You don't even meet him for years and years. Like 17 years. I really don't know him. They split up when my mom was pregnant with me. So when I met him, I was like...

oh, I'm touching my father for the... But then a few years ago, I was like, it's kind of like what it must be like if you're adopted or something, a little bit. I was sort of like that, oh, I'm meeting my biological... Although I knew, you know, of him so much. Yeah, I mean, you... I think people who are adopted don't necessarily...

See news of their father in Rolling Stone. Listen to the records all the time. Yeah. But it's fairly, it feels like it's fairly traumatizing for you because it seems like a lot of what happens in the book is

afterwards is maybe a result of that? It's called storytelling. No, I had to. I think so. I mean, that was sort of coming together like, oh, I'm chasing love a lot in my book and acceptance. And this must be about my dad. So it might be. I'm not 100 percent, but it's a great storytelling. No, I mean, I'm sure it has something to do with that.

I don't know if that's the whole reason I was chasing tail so aggressively. Well, speaking of chasing tail, it's a very sexy book. Yeah. You describe a lot of... I wrote it to turn people on. A lot of sexual encounters with many celebrities. Yeah.

I shared a few with Madonna. Yes. You shared a few exes with Madonna. Exactly. Not shared a few sexual encounters. No, no, I never did. But there was that. It details a lot of you dating when you're first starting out doing movies like The River's Edge.

You almost took up with Keanu at one point. And then you have these long romances with these rock stars like Anthony Kiedis. You get married to Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys. All sorts of just like a lot of stuff going on in this. A lot of musicians. And I'm now with a musician. Yes, Ben Lee. And you even like...

Almost took up with Robert Downey Jr. Oh, yeah. That was an insane. I mean, I was friends with him for a long time. Not anymore because, you know, he's maybe a shut in billionaire that I can't. Who knows where he. But back in the day. But that was my looking for like a husband again, like thinking I was ready for a husband again. But it was so funny.

I visited him in jail. And that was just like really funny to me because he was so hysterical the way he was living in there, like gluten-free diet. And he just, and his whole thing to get him through times, like pretending he's at shutters, doing these meditations, like at shutters. You would say that he and his cellmate would meditate every morning and imagine they were at shutters on the beach. Yeah, the cellmate would be like, where are we now? And he's like, shutters. But I love how bougie it is, like shutters and...

In Santa Monica. A lot of people, if you don't know what Shutters on the Beach is, it's a hotel that features shutters on the windows. Yeah, I don't know. It's sort of a bougie year it was. It's just funny that that's where you imagine. But it must have been better than imagining you're in jail. Was that the one time you've ever been to jail? Yes, I think. Yeah, yeah, that was, yeah. And, I mean, the book details you growing up sort of a Hollywood kid,

Where people like Robert Downey Jr., you know, because he's like in Less Than Zero and he's... I think all through my brother, my older brother. Your older brother was like a model and an actor, is a model and an actor. Yeah, and he just like, he was so outgoing and he just like...

found every scene every you know because you keep having like friends through him yeah really he you know like the zappas suddenly are your friends for years because through my brother and then he dated like susanna hoffs or and even when we were young someone who was in double trouble remember um g one of the twins gene gene uh it's actually who's that comedian actress from anyway

That was exciting when we were little because they were on a sitcom. Anyway, but yeah, he always was just finding people. Even that one day he brought River Phoenix over because they were filming like a TV movie on our street. Right. And he brings River Phoenix over. And we weren't like faint. We weren't. Yeah. You know, we were just living. Neither of you. You were just kind of like. Yeah. Had you even started acting at that point? My brother was just started trying. He got himself an agent. He did it all on his own. But.

He brought him in just to like, hey, someone's working on our street. Anyway, he was like that. And you sort of...

fall backwards into acting a little bit. Like, you get this opportunity to audition for The River's Edge. And you hadn't really thought about acting at that point? No, I was very, I was creative, but extremely shy. And I wasn't like a theater kid. I was just like drawing. And I loved like musicals and stuff like whatever, Singing in the Rain or West Side Story. I was always like doing them in my living room, but never, I was too scared to like, but I forced myself

to do that one audition because I don't know. I guess I sense like I need, I don't know. I guess I just wanted to get out of high school. Right. And which you do. You get emancipated. Yeah. You kind of like fall backwards into say anything in a way because Moon...

says to you like, oh, hey, Cameron Crowe is looking for the person to be in this movie and I think you're right for it. So come meet him at my house. Yes, yes. I mean, yeah. And that's all it is. Like he met you and then did you have to audition? Oh, yeah. I had to majorly audition. But what was fun because it was Jim Brooks's bungalow on like 20th Century Fox. I'm like a huge, I love old Hollywood. I love, and at the time. Was the Homer Simpson statue there yet? Yeah.

Gosh, I wonder. What, it was 86? No, it wouldn't have been. Although it would have been weird if it had been. I know. Before The Simpsons was ever on the air, they're like, well, I don't know, there's a statue of this guy that we think is going to be important. Yeah, like the mashed potato thing in 2001.

Close Encounters, probably. Close Encounters. Like, just someone thought of it and built it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, but that was thrilling for me. As much as I was afraid to audition, I was so gagging for any... I love all the business stuff. Yeah. I thought it was exciting. And so there's a lot of that in the book of just you kind of interacting with famous people and... I'm trying to

hype okay you know what i mean like i'm trying to like yeah the emotional aspect of it but like you know there's a lot of like cameos star cameos yeah in this you know what i mean chiano comes in and he gets into the shower at one point yeah yeah right very sexy book um did you did you get to record the audiobook i did i did it and i'm living in sydney i did it in sydney and i loved it i loved doing it more than i thought i would

And how do you do it when, like, because there are a lot of star cameos in this,

and there's a lot of dialogue from these. Do you impersonate the person? Yeah, I tried. I've tried. So my favorite was doing my dad who has a really funny, hippie, weird, like riddle-y. But the ones that I got nervous about were like doing Adam, Ad-Rock, because back then everyone was like, you know, talking in lingo and like, you know, like dope and whatever. And I was so afraid.

afraid to get it wrong and I bet you it's terrible that part might be terrible can I hear a little bit of your Adam Horowitz oh snap you know all you gotta do is here's your way and you start with drop exactly so yeah so I think that part's gonna be very cringy let me hear your Keanu

oh yeah so oh oh sorry oh oh like oh what i here's a towel oh oh wait does he offer you a towel i know i'm aggressively thankfully he didn't let me go all the way because i'm trying my hardest and he's being a real gentleman which did did you have to clear a lot of the stories with the people involved yeah the legal stuff is interesting and it's different in in england and

Australia, it's different because you can...

say anything you want about, say everything you want about public people if it's already in the open and people know. But in England, it's different. Like it's, and you can't. It's easier to sue people there. I think so. And you can't hear, say stuff about people who aren't famous. They can cut, like, so you, you had to rename your old high school boyfriend. My first husband, I mean, husband, my mother's first husband, I had to change his name. Right.

But the famous people. Because he'll come after us and kill us. Did you send it to Keanu Reeves and go, is this cool? I didn't send it because I was scared of his powerful publicist coming in and saying, you have to change it. I think if you send it to anyone, you're going to get notes. I would just not send it to anyone. I didn't. I only sent it to a couple friends. And I kept my mom really close because I wanted her to love it and feel a part of it.

Now, my theory is you talk so much about hooking up with various men and women throughout kind of your history. Yeah. And going into some detail with it. My theory is then at the end of the book, Ben comes in, your husband, and...

You have to talk about how good he is at sex in order to like, I know, like it was a deal that you made. OK, if I can talk about all these people, then I get to say you're good at sex. Exactly. I know. I did hear a friend wrote a memoir about somebody famous. And he was like, as long as you say I have a really big because he did have a big, big penis. And she was like, do you want me to say I can? Well, it's it was about Ben Mendelsohn.

Ben Mendelsohn, yeah. And he's named in the book, but he was like, good, good. Just mention that I have a big penis. And she's like, I will, and it's true. But yeah, with Ben, it's funny, though. I had such a history, and he's younger than me, my husband, now. Right.

So he probably always will be. He will. I think so. And so he came in and, you know, it's good. Sometimes I feel guilty. Like, I feel like he should have had more. He had a little bit of touring years where he was a little bit. I'm sure he was fine. He's a rock star as well. You know. Yeah.

I don't want him to feel competitive. He'll have his own book. There are other books by other people that I'm sure you've been in. Scar Tissue. Scar Tissue, yeah, most notably, which is Anthony Kiedis' book. And I don't think Flea's book. I don't think it's it. The only two people I talked to was Flea and Tom Sharpling about making, for some reason, getting a little advice or something. I don't know. It just sort of happened and

I can't remember what they told me to do. I think Flea said write every day or something. I think Flea said play bass every day, which didn't really...

Applied, it is. Well, it's a fantastic book and a lot of really interesting stuff and, you know, very kind of sad in parts and happy in others. Okay, yeah. And, I mean, you must be excited. It comes out this week. I am really excited. Yeah, people are really loving it. It's coming out finally. I love it. I'm so happy. Good.

Are you going to write another book about either the rest of your life or just suddenly you get into like a hard-boiled crime noir or something? I don't know. I can't even imagine. You're a writer now. I know. I know. I know. The pressure to write the second one. But yeah, I can. I'll write all about. I don't even know. I'll write all about this podcast. Yeah. All about this podcast. Yes. Oh, shit. My lawyers are going to sue the pants off of you. Okay.

It's very exciting to have a book out. Are you going to be out there on, when does the New York Times bestseller list come out? Thursday or Friday or something? Yeah, if everyone buys a book right now, I will be on that list. Buy it now. There are so many memoirs like Jeanette McCurdy's and stuff that just stick around forever. You just have to say you're really happy that your mom died because that's so... Your mom's still alive. No, yes, she is. She's...

But, you know, but yeah, it's it's it's really good. I'm excited. It came out really fantastic. So you're on the page. You're on the screen. Mm hmm. Big and small and phones. I would imagine there there's like pictures of you on people's phones. I'm sure Ben has a picture of you on his phone. Probably. Yeah. That's exciting. I know it is exciting.

I know. Yeah, it is exciting. What about those people that watch porn in public on their phones? Yeah, what about them? I don't like that. I like, oh, okay, you don't like that. On the train? What is that? On the train, really? Or something. Like, I've seen that now. Like, people will just, like, publicly. It's the new form of flashing. With headphones on? Sometimes not. My friend just said she's on, don't go on the subway in New York because the last time someone was just watching pornography on their phone.

I mean, it's their data. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, there's nothing. You can always look over their shoulder. And enjoy it with them. Yeah, you suddenly don't have to pay for this porn. Yeah. But your book, while very sexy, I wouldn't say it's pornographic. No, no. Pornography, of course, defined as I know it when I see it, and I see it all the time. Yeah.

But Say Everything is out in stores now. Pick it up. It's hardback, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, I love those hardbacks. Yeah. And it's good looking to put out. It has a nice coffee. What's the cover? Because I haven't seen the... Oh, you sent me the cover, but I only clicked on the actual book. Yeah, it's like me at 15 looking like...

too you know like like you're a little worried for this character like is she getting into too much or but oh wow she's so ethereal and interesting and you know are you on the back cover too like a picture of me now yeah i think i yeah i think it's on the back cover that yes on the back on the inside yes the back

Wonderful. Yeah. Two pictures of Ione on the front, on the back. Personally, that's all I need. Thank you. But then there's a whole book inside. I have brains there, too.

Say Everything is out now. We're going to take a break. Can you stick around and talk to our other guests? We have an anti-aging pioneer. We also have a competitive eater. This is a big, big show. This is perfect for me. Yeah. The One-Timers Club. Enjoy it while you're here. Thank you. Because then what's next? The Two-Timers Club? It sounds bad. Yeah, it's terrible. The One-Timers Club. Ione Sky. Say Everything. We're going to be right back. We'll have more Ione. More Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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I believe so. Yeah. You ever think like, what if I just wrote another 100? I wrote probably another 400. Another 400? But it didn't make the cut. No, on the cutting floor. What's in that 400? So much about my mom because the notes were like, more Enid, my mom's name, Enid. Yeah, and a lot of, just a lot of different stories that were really good. You got notes saying more Enid and then you wrote it and then they cut it out? It's true. It's true.

I know. What a waste of time. I know. It's true. See, this is the thing. People giving notes don't know anything, do they? I know. It's like, ugh.

But, yeah, it's about approximately 300. I really am. I'm sort of weirdly rule oriented when they told me this is a good length. This is the good length. 300 is what they want it to be? I don't know if it's exactly 300. It's like 299. Let me look it up. Whatever the good length is. Oh, I'm so curious. Whatever the good length is. That's why I like when a woman says that. Whatever the good length is, I'm fine with whatever you got. Yeah.

We need to get to our next guest. He's an anti-aging pioneer. This is exciting because, you know, I think we both live in Hollywood. You grew up here. And youth is at a premium in this town. So true. And we're going to talk to him about it. Please welcome Travis Skin. Hello, Scott. Hello, Ione. Hi. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Yes. You're joining the One Timers Club as well. That's right. This is the first of, I'm sure, many.

Perhaps. No, I'm sure. I honestly, it's so hard to get guests on this show. I would love it if you would come back. Yeah, I would be happy to. I'm very thrilled to be here and to just be talking about my work and my experience. Yeah. What is your work? Because obviously you're an anti-aging pioneer. What does one do to become a pioneer in this field? That's a good question. Well, my goal- Thank you so much. You're welcome.

track to be back another time at least. I did notice, Ione, you never said that's a good question. And Scott needs the positive reinforcement. Ione, here's an opportunity to say it now. Listen, I'm thrilled to be doing this with you. Like, really. But what about the questions? The questions were very, very, very good. Perfect. Good. That'll make the rest of this easier for all of us. It's so wonderful to have you. Travis Skin, are you a doctor or are you... No. No, I'm not. Okay.

I made my money in the tech industry. Oh, doing what? In 1996, I bought the domain name horse.com, and then I sold it for $380 million in 2001. Wow. Horse.com? Horse.com. I don't think I've been over to horse.com recently. No. Have you, Ione? I have.

No, now it's mainly a Malaysian gambling and pornography site. So maybe on the train, people are watching horse.com. Oh, that's great. I mean, do you get a piece anytime anyone logs on to horse.com? Yeah, I get a little bit every time someone logs in to gamble or watch pornography and masturbate. Okay, great. Which is great, and that comes right back into my pockets, and I can put it towards my project of never dying. I don't want to ever die, and I'm not going to. Oh, okay. I mean, it's possible. Probably.

You think it's probable. I know it's probable. Because I sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to die because I'm the person I'm seeing the world through. It's my POV. Yeah. And if I'm gone, then does the world even exist? So I think I might just never die. Oh, yes. Scott, when you die, the world will continue on.

move on like nothing changed. But I don't want that to ever happen to me. You understand? So I've got a team of doctors and they're working with me to prevent aging, to stop me right where I am, which is at 47 years old. You're 47 currently, or you've been 47 for a few years. Well, I'll tell you this. I'm 47 by, I guess, calendars, if you trust them. Okay.

But my doctor said that I have the mitochondria of a 46 year old and that's just going to keep going. I'm just going to keep. Is it going to go down or is it going to stay? I think it's going to go down and hopefully not too far. Cause I don't, we don't know what happens if you get into negative age. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it would be weird to be a teenager first and then to be a baby, but then negative age. Yeah. What happened? Yeah. Right. I would love to be a baby again. That sounds ideal, but I don't think that's, you know, I, what is it about being a baby that you want to do again? Oh, you can shit wherever you want. Uh,

You don't really have responsibilities. You're smooth. A lot of good things. I mean, you can shit wherever you want right now. People frown on it. Sure. So you want to do it without people frowning? I don't like the judgment, Scott.

Okay. So what are the techniques that you're using in order to, and are these techniques that Ione and I can do? Absolutely. It's not that hard. If you think about it, one of the things I've kind of discovered is that if you avoid all moisture, if you avoid all water, you'll stop aging because water causes rot, right? If you put something in water for a long time, it breaks apart. It rots things out in the wilderness. So I just cut out. I guess like, yeah, if you have a leaky faucet or leaky pipes in your house, your rust and then your-

molds your floors suddenly warp you all get it this is great you all get that's exactly what happens our bodies are just like pipes they're just pipes i wasn't buying this drink four glasses of water a day thing like what is that no that's bullshit that the government wants you to believe to just sell more water out of the pipes the government sells water you think who do you pay i guess stores but i don't know who they pay to get it why don't you in your bathroom your shower you pay for stores for that well that's yeah that's a good point jennifer aniston with

With her Evian, I think. Well, yeah, she's part of the problem because she's in a lot of ways, she's my biggest enemy because she's constantly pushing the Evian. I'm saying like, no, cut it out. You can just, you know, do you remember the Gatorade packets? It was like the powder that you would put in. Oh, sure. They still make those. You can just, you know, that'll hydrate you just by or you don't want to be hydrated. You just want the substance. Yeah. The hardest part of this is I love the taste of Gatorade.

Uh, and so when I cut out all liquids, I was like, how am I gonna get that taste of Gatorade? So, and they stopped making the gum. So then I just put the, that was the hardest part for you. It's the hardest part. It's the only hard part. The rest of it's been great. You, you grew up with a love of Gatorade, love of Gatorade, love of Gatorade gum, love of the powder, just love of the, the aesthetic of it. What about when like, uh, uh,

The Eagles won the Super Bowl recently and they dumped the Gatorade on the coach. How do you feel about that? Well, he's dead, man. As far as I'm concerned, he's dead and rotting in the ground right now. I don't know why he'd let them do that. If someone did that to me, I would shoot them before they did it. You sound judgmental for someone who doesn't like being judged. Oh, I would never judge. I don't believe in judgment. I would never judge. I'm just saying that as an objective fact, that man will die. Yeah.

And that's good. And that's good. You like the fact that other people die? If that's what they want. I assume if you touch water, that's what you want. I want people to be happy. So you think going to the beach, swimming pools? You can go to the beach, just have to stay, you know, like the Santa Monica beach is so big. Like you just stay right by the PCH. What about when you're like,

you say to your partner, you're like, I don't want to get in the water today, but you roll your pants legs up a little bit, but then the tide comes in and actually like a little too far to hit your toes. Yeah, I would never do that. I would absolutely never do that. And I mean, I don't have time for it. That seems to happen every time you go to the beach. Me personally? Or anyone. Are you watching me?

I know. Don't watch me. I'm not watching you. I live a private life. Okay, Travis. All right? Travis. Travis, I'm not watching you. I don't have drones following you. I didn't bring up drones. You brought up drones. I don't have a team of private investigators, you know, shadowing you. No one's bringing this up. I'm not bringing this up. I don't need to start bringing this up. You're bringing this up. The only reason I'm bringing it up is to say I'm not doing it. Well, listen, someday you're going to be dead and I'm going to be alive and then I'll celebrate. But what if I do exactly what you do? Then we can be together. Yeah.

You and me can be together forever. Are you viewing this like you're going to be a clan of immortals who all stick together? Maybe, yeah, because you have to be on the same mindset. Because what my life is is bad, right? Every day I pray for death, but that's the small price to pay to live forever. You pray for death every day? My body feels bad. I have headaches. If I walk naked, it sounds like corduroy. I am so dry. It's horrible. The Pearl Jam song? Yes.

That'd be tough to have your body sound like that. Because at first I was like, great, great jam. But now I'm like, I can't listen to this anymore. So I have to always be wearing clothes. Because your body now suddenly has dried out to be the grooves of essentially what the record was. Yeah, you're looking at me.

Well, I mean, if it's that bad... Because then I get to live forever. I get to live more, right? So, like, yeah, some people get to, you know, there's that, like, live fast and die young, leave a good-looking corpse and all that sort of stuff. I don't abide by that. I think all corpses are bad-looking. I'm just going to go on record, especially after, like, five days. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, after five days, that's about the point.

Yeah, I just watched the interview with a vampire and there was some corpses in there and living forever in there. So you relate to this a lot, having just seen one movie called Interview with a Vampire. Well, you live forever.

Kristen Dunst, though, she was a vampire in that movie. And she was young. She was young. And now we've seen proof that she wasn't actually a vampire because we've seen her currently. That's right. But Tom Cruise. On the other hand. I mean. He looks.

He looks, I mean. Does he? He looks good. I don't know. Oh, I will say when I saw Top Gun Maverick. Yeah. There was a little pre-roll where he came out and thanked everyone for coming to the movie theater. And someone in the theater went, oh no, he looks old. Oh no.

So, Tom, it comes for us all. It's too much condensation. That's exactly right. Like, I've talked to him and I've tried to get him to get on board, but he's not into it. He's not into it. That surprises me. Yeah, he wants to be doing stunts and clouds and stuff, and this would cut that down. Oh, because of the moisture in the clouds. Because of the moisture in the air and the clouds. Oh, got it. So why would you want to even live forever if it sounds like it's not fun?

You know, I've never really thought about that. You haven't thought about this? No, I guess at a certain point you get so rich that you need other worlds to conquer. And I thought if I was the oldest...

you know, then I'm the best again. Right. Like if our friend, our friend Fred Guinness was to, you know, put you in the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest human being alive, that's something that you've done that no one else has done. That's something. And then all the other old people are coming for you and they're going to try to beat you. So you have to stay ahead of that. And I just don't want that. You know, you can tell, you know, like this is my life now. It is what it is. Are you at the top of the game in this new world?

this new... I mean, you're only 47, you say? 47. And all my doctors say I'm doing great. And I mean, I pay them millions of dollars a month, so they have no reason to lie to me. They're saying that I'm as healthy as anyone. So they're happy, so they have no reason to lie. Because they're making enough money where they're like... Unhappy people lie. We could do whatever we want now. We're so rich. I could lie to this guy, but what's the point? I'm so rich. Yeah, exactly. You get it. You absolutely understand.

So, you know, that is I feel encouraged by that. And, you know, I just want to spread this around. Any of you, any of you. And this is this is a comedy bang bang thing. If you stop drinking water, you'll be better. That's your only method is just stop drinking water. Touching or being around or in. Yeah. And not just water, any liquid, I guess, because all liquids are water. Oh, touching water. I thought you meant touching. OK, water and where we're at.

Yeah. Well, touching is troubling too, because sometimes that becomes a sexual thing and then you start sweating. That's bad. Those are, there's liquids in most of the things that, you know, we rub together. Yeah. Most people, not me anymore. Uh,

You have dry dick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have very dry dick. I keep talking about the Gatorade powder, but when I ejaculate, it's basically that. It's Gatorade powder. It's Gatorade powder. What flavor? I don't know. You'll have to ask some of my friends. Some of your friends? Some of my friends. Yeah, I'm also polygamous. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's the same doctors. But it's Gatorade tasting, maybe, flavor. Yeah, Gatorade tasting. And that's kind of the fun of it. It's like, is it going to be orange? Is it going to be cool blue? You don't know. Yeah. Do you have loved ones? Do you have a family, in other words? No, absolutely. One of the things about Living Forever, and this interview for Vampire actually did a good job of representing this, is you can't have loved ones.

because unless they get on board, they're not going to be around. Can you have lizards? Dry animals? Yeah, dry animals. Tortoises? Yeah, tortoises. Scott, listen to yourself. Turtles? Well, one's on the land. Yes, the tortoise. Tortoise, okay. You sound so stupid. No, it can't be a turtle. I apologize, Travis Skin. I...

You know, I thought that I was asking good questions. You were before. I veered into. What made you so angry? Turtles are amphibians. They live in the water. Maybe you miss them. I feel like you miss them. That's why you're getting triggered. Yeah. That's the only difference between a turtle and a tortoise is one lives exclusively on land. Sounds right.

You got so upset and you don't even know? I have a headache all the time. Okay, so I'm a little edgy. Maybe you're jealous because tortoises live, they do live forever. They live at least 100 years, don't they? If they don't get run over. Yeah, that's also one of my main concerns. Getting run over? Yeah, no amount of avoiding water is going to avoid me getting run over and I don't look

Well, that must be part of it. Wanting to live forever is, you know, that accidents can happen to you. You can, you know, be asleep and suddenly carbon monoxide poisons you. That's right. You can get flattened by a piano that one of those comical movers is hoisting up a rope, you know? Absolutely. And that's why I don't that's not how I get the pianos in my house. Right. I built a ramp. How many pianos do you have in your house? Eight.

Are they all grands or some baby? No, no, no, no. It's each for a different mood. So like I've got some grands and I've got some of just the baby grands and then I've just got some like fun keyboard sort of like synthy sort of thing. How many pianos do you have, Ione? I would imagine you have a few. I did, but not anymore. None in Sydney? No. How many guitars?

Oh, four? Only four. I think so. We kept it light when we moved to Sydney. Yeah. We got a pod and we just came. An iPod? We got an iPod. An iPod and four guitars. It's all we needed. It's all you need.

So you got rid of all of your family. I mean, do you still? Well, they got rid of me is another way to look at it, because the way I live now wasn't suiting the way they live, because they were a very sort of like effusive, huggy, like happy, positive family. I think human beings are made up of what, 70 some odd percent of water must be terrible to touch one of them.

Oh, it feels, you know, what if you, what if you like hug one and suddenly water comes out like sweat be terrible. And to me now, cause I haven't been touching people. All humans feel like those like squishy tubes that are filled with water that you squeeze that the kids have, you know, do you know what I'm talking about? Did you know what I'm talking about?

Squishy tubes that kids have. How can I explain these better? What generation? Oh, boy. I think kids never grow out of squishy tubes. Wait, those things that used to make balloons and you blew into that little tube? Not those plastic balloons. Gosh, how would I describe? I've never had to describe one of these things. Wait, a squishy thing. Say it again. So, yeah. It looks like the gas station kind of thing.

thing that blows up. Kind of, yes. But they're smaller. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. And when you go like this. Yes, it looks like you're like. Can I get a video of you doing that? I sound really trashy and I'm not, but. Yes, I know what you mean. And they feel, yeah. Yeah, that's what people feel like. Okay. To me. That's not great. Yeah. This must be a lonely existence, though. I mean, don't you ever long for the.

companionship of another person. That's what AI is for.

Oh, you're an AI guy. Oh, yeah. We'll all be AI guys someday. Yeah. I'm very invested in my friends. That sounds like everything's a movie to me. Like in you? No, what was the movie? Her. Her. Yeah. You, though, is not a bad movie. You is a Netflix series. Yeah, Netflix TV show. Starring one of my favorite comedians. Who? Never mind. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So you have a satisfying...

Do you have a thing on your eyes that you look at or it's, or it's, you just have a relationship. Do you wear those Google glasses? I wear the Google glasses. Uh, and they don't work so good for me cause my eyes are so dry. It's hard for me to see, but like you can change these AIP. You can program me wherever you want. So I just get a lot of, you would love this Scott. You can just have them compliment you all the time. And that's sort of the relationship and that's fun and that's good. And that's, that's all I need. So what is your day to day? Like you, you have a series of chat bots who are your friends. Yeah. So I, I, I awake in my bed. Uh,

So you have a bed. Beds are okay. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Not a water bed. I know where you're going with it. Okay? It's a regular bed. Okay, but, I mean, a water bed, you're not touching the water unless it leaks. I feel like you're not listening to me. I don't want even the chance of rotting from that bursting and getting... I've seen so many comedy movies where that's happened. I don't want it to happen to me. Yeah. All right? So,

So anyway, I wake up with an excruciating headache. I take some Advil Dry. Advil Dry. Advil Dry. It's a brand they made just for me. How do you take it? How do you ingest it? Nose.

Nose. Nose, yeah. So you're snorting it. Are you crushing it up into a powder and snorting it? No, it comes pre-crushed for me. That's so cool. Isn't that so cool? My doctors are so good, and they care about me. They really do care about me. So you wake up in your bed, and then you take your Advil dry. Then what happens? It seems like you have then 16 hours to fill.

What do you do? Well, no. Again, I do not have energy. So my doctors come in. They check all my vitals. They tell me I'm doing good. Are they living with you in the compound? Or do they have to commute to you? Well, there's a lot. So I'm in the guest house. And then they're in the big house. And then they come out to me, which is nice. Why are you in the guest house? Well, there's just a lot of them. I don't want to put them out. They shouldn't have to bunk. OK.

Okay. But there's a bed in the guest house. Well, it's a pool house. It's like a pull-out bed. Yeah, where you sleep is a bed.

Sure. Right? Yeah, I guess so. And you're sleeping on a... It's a... Towel bed? A towel bed? Yeah, that's a pretty accurate representation of what it is because it's a dog bed with a towel on it. So yes, it's a bed. Do you own a dog? No. Listen to me, Scott. I know, but why do you own a dog bed? They sweat out of their tongues. Thank you very much. That's a good point. Anyway, to sleep on is why I own a dog bed. So you go to a pet store and you...

You order a dog bed for you to sleep on. Just go to a bed store and order a real bed. Well, I was concerned there'd be a waterbed in there. And then if there's like an earthquake or something, it would burst. I understand. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't explain that well. OK, so your doctors come into your pool house. They check you out. Check all my parts. Make sure I'm doing all good. Tell me I'm doing really good. I'm going to live forever. And then they go off to do whatever they're going to do the rest of the day. And most of the rest of the time, you know, I'm chatting with my A.I. friends.

Maybe I'm catching up on Tubi. And maybe I'm just doing... Is Tubi one of your AI friends? No. Tubi's a great ad-supported streaming service. Oh, yeah. We got to talk about this. Yeah. This is the topic that I really want to talk about. Yeah, I'm down to talk about Tubi. Con Air is always on. And streaming services are okay, even though they have stream in the title? Well, yeah, I had to be convinced. But yes, eventually I got there. It makes sense to me. Okay, good.

So pretty much your entire day, are you lying down on the dog bed? Because I would imagine you don't have the energy to stand up. Yeah, I'll get up sometimes to do my shuffles, and then I'll lie back down. Shuffles. Shuffles. Yeah. Yeah. Got to do my shuffles. You shuffle around the pool house for a little bit. Yeah, shuffle around, do two laps, and then I get back in the bed. And if I keep doing this, you have to understand, I will know what the future is.

Isn't that amazing? Because I'll be there. What do you want to see in the future? I mean, Avengers Endgame already came out. Yeah, that was a big one for me. That's what I was trying to get to. So now I'm trying to figure out what's next. Avengers Endgame, though, was 2019, right? So that was six years ago. Yeah, you hope to get to 42. Yeah, I hope to get to 42. And I did it. I did it. So I think I can do anything. But to answer your question, yeah, you know how dinosaurs became birds? I want to see if birds become dinosaurs again.

Oh. Loop back around. Loop back around, yeah. Yeah, that's my goal. It's beautiful. Thank you very much. Yeah. That would be, I mean, that would be cool if one day you're looking at a bird, it's flying around, then suddenly it just turns into a pterodactyl. It would be cool, and then the scariest fucking shit you've ever seen in your life.

Everything crawling back into the swamp. Yes. Well, not me, obviously. I wouldn't follow them. You'd be the king of the land then. Everything would be in the sea. Ideally, you know, I am a monarchist and I believe that's where we should go in that direction. You're a monarchist. Absolutely. We haven't talked about that. No, but I do want to get back to Tubi, but we can talk about the monarchism if you want. Let's talk about the monarchism. Okay, yeah. You want the United States of America to be a monarchy? Yeah. Or every country? Well, ideally... Ruled under one king. Ideally, that would be the same.

Okay. To me. One world government. One world government ruled by a king, chosen by God, and it would be me. And that would be you. Yes. Okay. And what do you... Would you be a benevolent monarch? I would delegate. I don't have interest in the day-to-day. I just want the title. And in the whole world, there'd be like five monarchs and you'd all kind of meet once in a while. We'd chat. You know, it'd be nice. Exchange a few things. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it'd be fun. Yeah. Does that sound fun? I don't know. I mean, honestly...

I don't know that I would enjoy a life where, I mean, we all want to live longer to see our loved ones and see, you know, what happens to them. But without that and without any like TV, like Better Call Saul's over, you know,

You know, Avengers Endgame came out. I'm trying to think of anything else that is still up in the air at this point. I guess Severance for some people, even though I haven't seen it. White Lotus. Yeah, White Lotus just started. That's keeping me going. I do want to see the next Mission Impossible, going back to Mr. Cruise. That's a good point. It's the final reckoning. And it's very tense for me because they have to go down to that submarine where it left off the last time. It's absolutely a nightmare. That's a horror movie for me. What do you do when it rains? Stay inside. What do you mean?

Stay inside. I've got a roof. Okay. It's as simple as stay inside. Yeah. Man, you started off so good with the questions. I would think that's the number one best question. What happens if suddenly there's like a leak in the roof, you know, or an earthquake? You didn't even want to go into a pet store. What do you mean?

Because there might be a waterbed. My doctors say there can't be a leak in my roof. They checked it out. Your doctors, I mean, they're contractors as well? I don't know. I gave them each an extra $100,000 to check the roof to make sure that there couldn't be a leak. And they're doctors. They must be smart. They have to be smart, right? I mean, if you can open up a human being and fix all of the guts and stuff in there, you must know how to fix a roof. Yeah, absolutely. A roof is just like part of a, it's just like a head. Yeah, it's like a skull. It's a building head.

It's a building skull. Yeah. In a lot of ways. Or a helmet. A helmet. A motorcycle helmet for a building. Yeah, I guess it isn't like a head. I guess then like the attic would be the head and the roof would be the helmet. What would be the neck? The ladder up to the attic? Chimney. Chimney? Chimney, I think, would be the neck. Okay. And then, of course, the kitchen is the heart of the home.

home. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. But then the arms, I guess, would be like hallways. Or maybe like if you have two garages for some reason. Yeah. That could be the arms. And then like the... The basement's the butt. The butt. Basement's the butt. Basement's the butt. What's the penis or the vagina? The bathrooms. Oh, yeah. Great. Great. Yeah. Then the legs are... I guess the legs would be the lawn. The lawn and then the feet. And then... Well, there's no feet. It's a building. Okay.

I was picturing a ranch house or a craftsman. Well, this, I mean, it sounds like a terrible existence, but you're happy? Oh, no.

You're not. No, it's very unhappy. But like at this point, like, you know, the way you succeed in tech is you don't believe in sunk cost fallacy and I don't believe in it. So I'm just going to keep going down this road and eventually it's got to turn around. Right. Like if I see that bird turn into a pterodactyl, it'll all. Would you be happy then? Would you say like, OK, I can die now happy? Well, no, because I want to know what the pterodactyl does next.

Probably goes back into a bird in a few million years. Yeah, well, I don't like the probably effect. Do you think it just ping-pongs back and forth like that? Maybe. I'm not the scientist. I just started horse.com.

I mean, you didn't start it. You just... I started it. You just reserved the domain name. Yeah, reserved the domain name. Did you start an actual website? Yeah, well, it was just for creative writing I was doing at the time. About what? Horses. Doing what? Fucking Scott, it couldn't be clearer. All right, we're going to have to take a break. Can you stick around, Travis Skin? Yeah, it looks like it might rain. I'm going to be here for a while. Oh, shit.

I'm surprised you're even here. Yeah, I know. I should have checked the weather before I left. All right, we're going to come back. We have a competitive eater. This is exciting. Do you eat things, by the way? Yeah, anything that's as sand-like as possible. Okay, got it. We have a competitive eater coming. We're going to be right back. We'll have more Travis Skin, more Ioni Sky. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Ione Skye is here. Say Everything is the book. It is out in all fine stores. I guess bookstores. Although there'd be some stores, I would imagine, that would put it on the counter or something like that, right? That aren't bookstores. Yeah, right? Like a nice jewelry store, maybe, would have it out there. Yeah, like when you're checking out and there's cute little things. Yeah, why not? Yeah. I should do a pocket version of it. That would be so cool that you could keep on a keychain and just flip through. Yes. Reading about books.

hooking up with Anthony Kiedis while you're in line at the grocery. Her kid's stockings. We also have Travis Skin here, and it has started sprinkling outside. This is very stressful for me. Yeah, I'm so sorry. That's okay. It's not your fault, I don't think. And the sprinklers are on, too. Yeah, that's wasteful.

Hey, I think we want you to stay here. Really? I'm happy to stay here. I want to stay on theme. Okay. When it's sprinkling, I want the sprinklers on. Okay, yeah, yeah. It's an aesthetic. Okay. We need to get to our next guest. They are a competitive eater. So many questions. What do they eat? How much of it? Please welcome to the show, Dr. Scrumptious. Hello, Scott. Oh, hello. Oh.

You're from London. I'm not from London, but it sounds as if you are. I'm from London. I got the biggest mouth in London. The biggest mouth in what part of London are you from? I'm from the center. The center. That's a beautiful part. Thank you. Yeah. Dr. Scrumptious. Yes. So you are an actual doctor. Meanwhile, Travis Skin is not? Well, it's a misnomer. A doctor is a designation in the eating world. When you get good enough, you become doctor. Yeah.

Oh, okay. So it's a title almost that you can achieve. Yeah, like Captain. Sure. Or General. General. Colonel. Colonel. Sergeant. Sergeant. Judge. Judge. Judy. Judy. Judy's a title in the States, isn't it?

I think so. I'm not quite sure. So you have achieved so much in the world of competitive eating that you are a doctor. Yes. And is Scrumptious your Christian name? Scrumptious is my Christian name. I'm Christian through and through. Yeah, it's my name. And people thought, oh, you're going to go into competitive eating. I thought, no, that's a stereotype. It's a lot like people who are named Smith. Like, oh, you're going to be a blacksmith. Yeah. Is that true in the States? Yeah. Damn.

Damn. All right. Well, it's true for me, too. Number one most popular name in the United States is Smith. Smith? Yeah. And everyone is always like, you're going to be a blacksmith. Oh, God. I've got to contact these people, except I did fulfill the stereotype as well. What got you into competitive eating? Well, when I was little, first I was always fixing things around the house. I was always noticing things. Like what? There's a hole in the wall. Mom, I patch it up. That's what I do.

I mean, that's a nightmare for Travis Skinner. A hole in the wall? A hole in the wall is how the moisture gets in. Oh, yeah. No windows in my house. No windows? No. What about the pool house? It's dark. Seems like a pool house would have French doors that open up out to the pool. Often they do. Mine does not. Do you mean snooker house? Yes. I'm sorry. Yes. It's called snooker house where you're from. When people play snooker in these houses in the... Okay. Yeah.

Anyway, yes. So I was always tinkering, trying to fix things. And then I noticed a competitive eating contest on the telly. And I thought... So wait, I'm sorry. Huh? You were always fixing things. Yes.

And then while you were fixing something, you noticed something on TV? Yeah, I had fixed a TV. There was rats eating the cords and I fixed it by killing the rats. That fixes it? If you've got rats eating your cords, if you kill the rats, that's a fix. It seems like the cords are still the problem, though. Oh, yeah. The cords are a problem, but you've got to make them less tasty for the rats. So you've got to put stuff that rats don't like on there. What don't rats like? Because it seems like they like everything. Well, I

I've never seen rats eating a broccoli. Oh, yeah, I haven't either. Have you? I've seen pizza rat, but I haven't seen broccoli rat. Yeah, no. Interesting. Pizza rat, that's an American thing? Yeah, I guess. What would we call it in... We had crumpet rat. Is that anything similar? Yeah, crumpet rat is very, very similar. Very similar? Okay. Okay, good. So you'd put broccoli on the wires, and then you notice on the television there's a competitive eating contest coming up? Coming up. And I go, okay, I stay tuned.

This is on the news, I'm assuming? It's on the news. It's on the news. We've got a local news, local eating contest. I stay tuned. I watch all the news, the bad stories. Like what was going on at the time? Jack the Ripper's identity being debated over and over. That was the bad stuff? That's the bad stuff. Wow. Over and over, people debating, who is he? Is it this guy? Yeah, I get sick of it. They bring a lineup in. They go, is it this guy? Is it this guy? Vote in. Like of current people? Yeah. Texaco.

I think they're on the wrong track here. Is this a reality show in Britain? Who is Jack the Ripper? This is just the news. This is all hot news. Of people who are alive currently wondering if it's

If they were Jack the Ripper back in the 1800s. If it's Jack the Ripper. So I get through all that. I get through all the local stories. Oh, this woman saved a cat. Oh, this man saved a dog. The news sounds very boring, I gotta say. Like, if all there is to report is a competitive eating contest coming up in the future, not one happened already, and someone saving a cat, and they're still debating Jack the Ripper's... That's London.

That's London. This is London local news. London local news. We ain't got arse going on there. You know what I'm saying? It's all the past or the near future. Nothing in the present there. No one living in the present. It'd be weird to watch a news show that was just reporting on the present. Like, this is happening now. Right now. It's like, go do something about it, mate. If it's happening now, stop talking to me.

I guess live car chases are the equivalent. And I think that's nuts. You make a man stand in a tornado in front of a live car chase. Man it out. Yeah. That's unsafe. You're American law. You're crazy. You're trying to kill all your people. I do think so. So you see this on the news. I see it. I say, whoa.

I think there's a more effective way to eat all that food. What way were they eating? They're just putting it in their mouths. Sometimes they're, sorry, dunking it in water. Repulsive. So it goes down smoother. I think. I think that's for the buns. Have you ever watched one of these competitive eating contests like Joey Chestnut? Yeah. Eating the hot dogs. Hot bags. And they have methods.

They got the methods, but they're all diagnosing the problem wrong. What was your technique? They're trying to make food smoother. I'm trying to make all my organs bigger, make mouth bigger, stomach bigger.

You can fit more food in. Why are we trying to only, we're trying to tackle a problem from one angle. Oh, you're trying to, you're trying to kill the rat. Put the broccoli on the cords too. Attack it from all angles. So you, can you put your fist, whole fist in your mouth? I can put as many fists as I want in my mouth. Like we have probably six fists. Give or take. Three of us. Hey, give it a go. Unless in London town they say. All right, let me try it. Give it a go.

All right. Here we go. I'm not going to do it, obviously. Yeah. Moisture. I've got one. I've got two. I've got three fingers in. Now four. Now five. Okay. All right. Impressive. Amazing. You've made your mouth really big. Thank you. You almost swallowed her. Oops. I'm not on the clock. Huh?

Oh, girl, amazing. That's crazy. How did you make your mouth so big? Well, you could do various techniques, you know, secrets of the trade. Yeah, that's what you're here for, to give us the secrets. Secrets of the trade. So this looks like magic, right? You've got to agree not to share the code. Okay. Makes sense. Do we all promise that we won't share these secrets that we hear? Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Or any magic trick secrets you know. You could throw those in as well if you'd like. Okay, and I'm not supposed to share those. So if I share those, you can't share those. Okay, yeah. Okay, so firstly for the mouth. When you're asleep at night, it might not seem intuitive. If you take a bunch of chains with hooks on them. Like Hellraiser style? Yeah, this is instantly went Hellraiser too. Yeah.

You put them on the sides of your bed. They probably got it for me. You put on the sides of your bed, stretch your mouth out at night. All right. Wow. Because that's eight hours or so that,

are just lying fallow where you could be stretching your mouth out. 16 for me. I was going to say eight hours if you're not a good worker. Yeah. If you sleep 20 hours of the day, you could be stretching your mouth out for a long time. Right. So Hellraiser style, stretch your mouth out during the night. Well, I like to call it scrumptious style. And I like to call that film a scrumptious ode.

Or kind of an homage to scrumptious. So you call Hellraiser 2 an homage to scrumptious. Does anyone know what you're talking about? Not one person. Not one person. But now you're getting the word out. I'm getting the word out now. If you ever hear an ode to scrumptious. That's Hellraiser 2. Assume we're talking about Hellraiser 2. Absolutely. Wonderful. Absolutely. Other techniques you can use. If your whole head was a little bit bigger, you don't even need to stretch your mouth out that much.

So if you stick little pins in your head. This is Hellraiser again. I'm sorry. Oh, Discorruptious. Thank you. I hate when these guys take your stuff and they say, it's my idea. You ever have that happen? Yeah. Someone takes your thing and they go, I came up with it. That happen to you? Yeah, I think so. You think so? Yes. Any joke I've said, my brother would take it and say it louder. But you guys probably have had this happen to you in your lives. Not us. Nope. Nope. That's awful.

You're the ones who take the joke. I'll say it louder. But I don't think anything else. So I feel for you. Are you always going on and on about the fine line between pleasure and pain as well? Because this is, oh, Discrumptious Stuff. I mean, really? My God. See, I can't make it through the whole movie because it makes me sick. Have you ever met a Cenobite? Is that how it's pronounced? I would say Cenobite. One of them has a CD in their head.

Well, where do you think they got the word bite from? I don't know. From you? Competitive eating. Wow. Thank you for those sound effects. That's satisfying. That's mukbang. Now...

Those are some of the nighttime techniques you can use to stretch your head out, stretch your mouth out. Now, what about the stomach? Huh? I thought you were going to say, what about the daytime techniques? You could be doing daytime techniques. You'll just have to be asleep on the bus and attach a bunch of cords to the bus while you're sleeping. So some of my techniques. Firstly, you can go the surgical route. It's not my favorite. Because a lot of people go the opposite way. They try to staple. I go, waste of staples.

Yeah. You want to un-staple. Yeah. So you could actually ask them, can I get the reverse? Can you kind of stitch it to the sides of my hips? Make it bigger. You know? Have you ever thought about installing like several other stomachs? Like you're a cow? Oh, I wish I were a cow.

I wish I were a cow. He's direct eye contact with me. I wish. I don't know what I did. This guy's horse.com. He's not cow.com. I would leap over the table, I would. I did get a little bit of a surgery. It was one surgery I permitted myself. You know, kind of in Hollywood, you go, I'll get a little Botox, but then I'm done. I'm cutting myself off. Sure. You know, I don't want to go crazy and become all plastic or whatever. Right.

Thank you for putting in terms that we can understand. It's Hollywood stars. Yeah. You're all stars here. You're all celebrities. You get your new noses and your faces and all that. New skin. Yeah, all my skin has been replaced. Really? I mean, everyone's has over the years. No, that's not what I mean.

So what I've done is I've had a couple of my vertebrae removed and kind of asked, can you send my stomach back there? It seems the waist is only up in the front part. So you took vertebrae out of your back in order to wrap your stomach more fully around your body. Yeah, so I kind of got, it's in the round area.

Oh, so it's not proscenium anymore. Yeah, no, it's not proscenium stage. It's not. But you can kind of go in. Thank you again for putting into terms that I understand. Yes. Yes. Yes. So it's kind of kind of it's kind of a circuit.

a closed circuit of food that just gets to spin around. So basically, a lot of people, I don't want to say normal people, but people who have traditional stomachs. Trad stomachs. Trad stomachs. They swallow food. It goes...

It goes all the way down. Then it just stops right there in the stomach. I mean, eventually it comes out the butthole. Right. But that's after it's digested. Yours, meanwhile, goes and it just it's in a circle a lot like Mission Impossible. Remember, Travis Skin, that one Mission Impossible scene? Already ahead of you. Yes, absolutely. He's got to get the thing. I hated it. I hated it. Sure.

Stuck in that water spinning around. He's got to hold his breath for like four minutes or something like that. Almost died. But guess what? He made it. And that helped him complete an almost impossible mission. Yep. That's incredible. I'd love to know the ending of those movies before. No. Is he going to die? If he's going to die, I'm not going to watch this. I think Crispin Glover likes to know the end of these movies before he watches them, doesn't he? Exactly.

So the food just is in constant motion. Yeah. So it can never settle enough to be digested. This is brilliant. Yes. And it also takes longer to come out the end, you know? Yes. Like in a toilet, that water's spinning so you get a longer look, you know? It doesn't just go straight down. Is that why toilets do that? Yeah. So that you can look longer? It's just for our enjoyment. It's for you. You know what?

Hey, check all this out. All this stuff that just came out of you. You've not been looking. Before it goes away forever. It's your last chance, mate. Oh. Well, I don't use the water toilets, obviously. Right, right. But I remember them. And I just didn't. What do you do? Do you use fire toilets? What do you do? Yeah, fire toilets. I just light a fire in the fireplace. Oh. And then you squat over it? It's horrible. My life is bad.

So how often do you go to the bathroom? It seems like you wouldn't have to because your food is not being digested. It's not being digested. I've got a big old stomach. So I go about once a week, you

Those are good margins for me. Good margins. If I could only do it once a week. Oh, yeah. All the time I'm saving. I told you I was a wee tinkerer trying to fix efficiencies in my house. Now, that didn't seem to have anything to do with your story other than you happen to be fixing the television. Remember, I'm fixing stuff. That's my thing. I'm fixing stuff. I'm fixing competitive eating right now. That's my thing.

Meaning you're fixing people's stomachs in order to get better at it. Why do you want to help other people do this? It seems like if they do these techniques, then they would unseat you as the winner. I assume you win the competitions? Oh, tons. Loads. Couple. Do you have a nemesis? Yeah. Yeah. It's the Surgeon General Yummy. Surgeon General Yummy? Yeah. And how many things do you traditionally eat?

You know, like what was your last competition? What were you eating? How much of it did you eat? Well, okay. So last competition was in the winter. So all the food seasonal. So it was soup.

How do they judge how much soup you eat? By the pint? The worst food. It's by pint in England. Because hot dog competitions is like, oh, he ate 80 hot dogs. Yeah. In England, it would be pint. Here, it would be pounds. Pounds of soup, yeah. I think, no, in England, it's pounds. Here, it's dollars. Yeah. Okay, so dollars of soup. So it's how expensive. So you must rig the competition by just buying expensive soup. Lobster beers. Go.

Gold bis, Goldschlagobis. Those are rich soups, though. That can come back to bite you, right? But I mean, only one cup of that. I come back to bite it. Okay. Please! Stop! So you won the soup eating competition. I won the soup eating contest. I had about $200 of soup. Of soup. How many cups was that, maybe? Oh, cups. Like two cups, maybe? Two to two and a half cups. But meanwhile, everyone else is eating split pea, and they have to eat like...

40 cups. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy that eating... Smart, work smarter, not harder. We had a poor lad eating miso. What'd you say? Miso. No, before that as well. We had a poor lad eating miso. I thought you said Paul Ladd was eating miso. Oh, Paul Ladd's not allowed. Oh, wait, he was a competitive eater? He was trying to be not allowed. Oh, okay. Not allowed. Okay.

No, no, too controversial. So we had a poor lad eating miso soup. I go, bruv, that's basically free with the meal. Yeah. If you go to a Chinese restaurant. That's a good point, yeah. Why are you eating that?

He lost. And so I bet if you were in like a chip eating contest, the tortilla chips, which are basically free when you go to a Mexican restaurant. She won't know what you mean by chips. She'll think french fries. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Tortilla french fries. Crisps. Crisps. Crisps. I almost died. Oh, I don't want that to happen. Not for either. It won't happen for me. So the Surgeon General, Yummy, though, he or she is out there. Or they.

Okay. I see. We're progressive in the United States. That's good. That's good. Yeah. She. Hello. Surgeon General can be she's. How many times has that happened though?

Literally, she's the first. Literally, she's the first. She has de-seated. We say unthrown. I see. Yeah, here we don't have a monarchy. You don't have a monarchy. Although we will someday, according to you. Yeah. She's de-seated me once. It was during a summer competition, so we had a roasted pig.

you know, because summer, it's seasonal. Like at a luau or something? Like a luau, yeah. If you have to say it in American terms, a luau, we called a fox day lunch. Fox day lunch. Yeah. Hunting day lunch. Is that guy fox or is that girl fox? And how many times has it been girl fox? Well, it's they fox, but... Right, okay, got it. But yeah, she de-seated me. She ate the most pigs. She ate the most pigs for pound per dollar. How many was that? She ate about $500 a day.

$500 worth of pig. Wow, that's a lot of... That's a lot of pig. Yeah. That's a lot of pig. But she's done a couple extra more surgeries. I only stopped at the one. She got her stomach, you know, taped to the sides of her hips and stuff. Sort of like saddlebags? Yeah. Their stomach's on the outside? Exterior stomach. Ah.

This is the thing. I don't know why competitive eaters don't cut holes in their throats. I think of one reason. Attach tubes to just some bags and plastic bags that you go like, oh no, these are my exterior stomachs. Yeah. Well, there's some people. Okay, so there was a cheater. There was a cheater once. Like on that show, Cheaters? Yeah.

Where they would follow couples around with a camera? It's so crazy because she was both types of cheater. What? She was both types of cheater. Cheating and competitive eating? She cheated and competitive eating. I heard eating ain't cheating.

She ate and she ate, okay? Okay, all right. She cheated by eating somebody out and her husband got pissed. And then she cheated in an eating contest. Where she ate. Where she ate. Because she had, surgically, she had long hair, believe it or not. She had a hole in the back of her neck for all the food to come out. So people went, my God, 500 pounds, 700 pounds, 900 pounds. She eaten so much.

$1,000, $2,000, $3,000. Just falling behind her? They look behind her and there's a big pile of food? Big pile of food. Wow. Big pile of food. It was a fall contest. So is pumpkin pie. That's the one I would want to be in. Yeah. I love pumpkin pie. Well, that one was controversial. She had pumpkin pie falling out of her neck. That's one of the grossest foods I can imagine falling out of a neck. Yeah.

Well, this is all fascinating stuff. How many competitions have you won? I've won two to three. Those are good numbers. All right, well, we're running out of time. Unfortunately, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that happens to be a little something called plugs. Excuse me if I'm a little slow. You're not, though. You're never slow. You talk so fast. I can say same thing. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

What did you? What did you? What did you? What did you?

All right. Oh, here we go. That was System of a Plug by Tim Summers. Thanks so much to Tim. If you have a plugs theme, send it over to cbbworld.com over, sorry, cbbworld.com slash plugs, and you can upload your songs there, and you can be famous for a week. And Tim Summers, you're famous this week and this week only. Your reign of terror ends Sunday night at midnight.

What are we plugging here? I only obviously say everything is out in stores this week. Yeah. And I just did. I just played Jack Black's wife in Anaconda with Paul Rudd, your one time guest and Steve Zaners on. I believe Jack is in the I think he might be in the two timers club.

Oh, nice. I bet. This is comedy bang, bang royalty on this film. I know. It's all your peeps in this one movie that I did in the Gold Coast in Australia. Now, my Anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hot. Is that similar to... Yeah, it's like a meta. It's that director, Tom... What was the movie with Nicolas Cage where he plays himself? So it's that direct. Oh, The Unbearable...

Yeah. A weight of awesome talent? Yes. Oh, great. So he's that great director. And this is a remake of the J-Lo... Yes. Speaking of Bonson. Yeah. ...film along with Ice Cube and everyone. Yeah. Can any of them do cameos? Are you allowed to say anything about this film? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like...

It's sort of a meta version of their remake. Metatextual? Yes, yeah. It's like one of them comedy adventure type films. Okay, this sounds... When's it out? It's coming out, I should know. I mean, they're still filming it. And you play... I play Jack Black's wife, and we had to kiss, but he cut his beard so I can find his lips. So when he doesn't cut his beard, it's like you end up kissing his ear or something? I think it's in here somewhere? I don't know.

And then I have a podcast, Weirder Together, that I never plug, and so I should with my husband. That's right. Weirder Together. Together. How long have you been doing it? Maybe four years or something. Four years, so approximately 200 episodes maybe? Yeah, about that. Wow.

Yeah. And what is the, what do you cover on the show? Well, it's sort of morphed into, I was trying to make it like- Like morphing technology that they used in T2 Judgment Day? Yes. We're just, it's sort of morphed. I don't know. It's like, you know, our marriage and we talk about, you know, the hot topics. Yeah.

So gossip. If you want to hear about Ione's marriage or gossip regarding your marriage or other people's marriages. Yeah, we just gossip about each other. We don't fight. We just gossip. Have you ever fought on air? Yeah, a little bit.

And I'd like to ask him a musical question because I love the musicians and I love asking, you know, just like a question of like, you know, what what do you think about the fans? Are Led Zeppelin fans like are Led Zeppelin corny or is it the fans are nerds like things like that? Things like that. Yeah. The hot topics of the day that had broken up approximately 50 years ago. Topical. It's all topical. And that's it. And my book and that movie and that.

Those are the, I mean, this is the year of Ioni. I know. I might have a- Podcasts, movies, a book. I know. This is incredible. Yeah. Did you ever think back when you were going to Red Hot Chili Peppers and Mary's Dana shows back in 1987 that you'd ever be in a movie called Anaconda? No, I never did. But I was- Alphabetically, this has got to be your first film.

Am I correct? Yeah. No, I did one called A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon. A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon. That was the one with River. Although you possibly could alphabetize that by saying Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon, comma, A. That's right. And everyone only called it Jimmy Reardon. Yeah. And maybe some. I've done so many.

funny thing, like Lifetime movies, I have no idea. A Perfect Mother! A Perfect Mother? With Tyne Daly. That was a Lifetime movie in Canada. And I'm, you know, those ones from the 90s. Was Tyne Daly your mother in this? Yeah, she was like a mobster who had me killed. That doesn't sound perfect at all. I know, I...

Was she the perfect mother? I don't remember. I'll send some emails. An imperfect mother, maybe? I would watch that. It would still come before Anaconda, though, alphabetically. Well, this is wonderful. Everyone should go out there and buy Say Everything this week. Let's turn over to Travis Skin. What do you want to plug? Oh, I guess I first I'll just plug stop drinking water, everybody, so you can be my subjects in the future. So I thought you maybe wanted friends. You just want subjects.

What do you care if your subjects live forever? Well, I just want some. You know? I want someone to go like, did you see that pterodactyl turn into a bird? And then I don't... I'm not committed. But even if people start drinking water and die, I don't think the whole human race is going to die by water unless there's a huge meteorite that hits us and tidal waves kill us all. You've been listening to a word I'm saying. Okay, I guess not. No, goddamn word, Scott. I apologize. You...

You're all over the place here. You think I'm a good host? You think I'm a terrible host? Yeah, you taught me a lesson. I thought you were a good host, and then I started listening. All right, all right. Anything else to plug or that? Oh, you know what? If it's not raining, I'm going to go to a comedy show at the Upper East Side and Brigade Theater called Convoy. Oh, yeah, I saw this last month. Yeah, come check that out. We're every month at UCB. Yeah.

Now, Dr. Scrumptious, what do you want to plug here? Well, I love to plug my freaking butt so I don't waste any of this food I'm eating so I can win these contests. So you want to win the contest by plugging up your butthole and it's remained. I would think that you'd want to have all the food out of your body in order to win these contests. Scott, you're a tinkerer too. That's an efficiency plus one for you.

Anything else to plug? Yeah. Other than your butthole. Yeah. There's this comedian named Rekha Shankar who's doing a Kickstarter for a feature film that's going to be up and ready for backers. And I think it looks great. And it's actually about food. My favorite subject. Wow. I know Rekha. And she was in the Between Two Ferns movie that I did. She's obsessed with movies. What is it?

What is it with her and movies? Yeah. That movie? This one? Two? Hey, that's how many contests I've won. You said two or three. It's two? The third one, there's two in litigation. Okay. Where can people go to this Kickstarter? It's on kickstarter.com. Search Vidya's Guide to the Afterlife, or I can literally recite a link right now.

What about just Rekha? Would that... Honestly, she looked it up. She's the only person named Rekha on all of Kickstarter. R-E-K-H-A. There are 650,000 projects on that website and there is only one person named Rekha making something on it. Is that racist of Kickstarter? What do you think? I think so.

What do I want to plug? I obviously go over to cbbworld.com. You have the entire archives of Comedy Bang Bang, every episode we've ever done, as well as all of our live episodes. I think we did 43 last year. I am going to be at South by Southwest. Lauren Lapkus and I doing a live Comedy Bang Bang this Saturday, I believe. So if you're at South by Southwest, come out and see us. Also, the action figures that have come out. We have the new Randy and Carissa action figures.

They're on sale now. They are shipping and they're available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with a U.S. address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfigureseller.com. We have the Randy and Carissa as well as Sprague and Big Sue and tour exclusives of myself and J.W. Stillwater still out there. And I think that's all I want to plug. So let's close up the old.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Okay, here we go. Not bad. All right. That was It's Time to Release by Eddie Wolfram. Thanks so much, Eddie Wolfram. A lot of farting noises in these songs today. But I want to thank my guest, Ioni Skye. So wonderful to have you on the show. Continued success as an author. I would love to see more books coming out of you. Thank you. Maybe not like a detective trying to solve the Jack the Ripper movies. That would tie into your interests, Dr. Scrumptious. That would be great. That would be great. That's...

That's the British local news. You're taking away their beat. Oh, okay. So maybe, yeah, maybe you don't want to do that. I don't know. Maybe I can't. I was born in London. Maybe they'll let me, but I don't think so. What about? St. John's Wood? Yeah, you know it. Oh, same? Right there in the center. The center.

Yeah, yeah. The center. So thank you to you, Dr. Scrumptious. Wonderful to have you here. And then Travis Skin, looks like the rain has gotten heavier since we've started doing the show. Well, I'll just hang out here. You better start complimenting Scott. Yeah, I mean, to be honest, you've been kind of an asshole to me. He might not want you here. Okay, yeah. I like your jacket.

That's not a compliment to me. Unless you're complimenting my sense of style. Did you buy that jacket for yourself? I did not. Someone else bought it for me. I would say it's the best jumper I've ever seen. All right, you can stay here. You need to get out immediately. I don't want to die. Sorry. No, I'm sorry. You got to leave now. Fine.

Fine. Fine? This is on you, Scott Hockerman. All right. You're leaving right now? Yeah, I'm leaving right now. I'm going to walk out there into the rain where my body will begin to rot, and you'll watch me. And like at the end of Last Crusade, I'm just going to age rapidly and die. Like that rapidly you think you'll die? Maybe. That's what the doctors say. They say if I stop paying them and I get wet, then that will happen. I kind of want to see this. Do you guys want to see this? Yes. I'm very curious. Dr. Scrumptious Ionia, it was lovely meeting you. What about me?

No. All right, he's making his way over to the door. He's outside. He's turning into a pterodactyl. Oh, my God. Well, it wasn't the birds that were going to turn into pterodactyls. It was you. Fuck you, Scott. What? Wow, what an end to the show. All right, we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye. Here I go.