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I bought a zoo too, but you don't see me make a movie about it. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, yes, wet weather pounding the Southland here as we record this episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. A very rainy episode here today. We hope that won't affect it, but if you hear the pitter-patter of little sprinkles, please forgive us. I'm Scott Aukerman. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have a person who works in hospitality. We

We also have a coffee impresario. And this is incredible. Coming up a little even later, we have a person with exciting news. So that will be in C Block, I believe. But before we get to them, let's the stars are back. Look, what are we even saying? The stars are back. And we have a huge star here on the show today returning to the show. He's been on.

Once, twice. I think maybe only once. Maybe only once. What were you doing? Why were you... I was me. I was... No, but why were you on the show? Talk into this thing. Oh, I was... I... You can bring it closer to you. You don't have to like...

We were... Lunge forward to reach it. It comes to you. I forget. I don't think it was a specific... Maybe I was doing Eagle Heart, Adult Swim show. Something like that, but it's been a while. It's been probably almost 10 years. Almost 10 years since he's been on the show, but he has an exciting new project. He wouldn't come on for the Borat movie, but he... They wouldn't let me. No, I wasn't allowed to talk about it until way later. Okay, sure. But now that he has a lesser project that he needs a little boost...

He's willing to come on to Comedy Bang Bang. His new show, Paul T. Goldman, has been on Peacock, streaming on Peacock, the season finale of which will be on

This Sunday, please welcome back to the show Jason Walner. Thanks Scott. Thanks so much for having me. I really I wasn't able to do podcast for Borat. I didn't then late later on a few months later that my wife. Thank you. That's all I wanted. I you know, I don't you could have come on and just dipped in and said my wife and then left for an episode.

Of course, Jason, we've known each other a long time. You were the director and some people called you, I know we've talked about this on the show, some people called you a member of Human Giants. I don't know how that happened. Yeah, I mean, I was technically, it was a four person group. Every once in a while there'd be a promotional picture and you'd be included. I don't, yeah, I think a lot of people were confused if they watched that show. Because you never popped up. Yeah, as soon as there was one guy. Where's this good looking guy wearing glasses? Where is he? Chubby little guy. Yeah.

At the time...

Yeah, people must have assumed... You wanted to let everyone know that you've lost that weight. No, I'm not as fat as I was. I... People must have watched it and assumed that one member of the group wasn't very funny and they just didn't put him in any sketches. I mean, they even put Terry Gilliam in certain sketches. You never popped up. Yeah. No, never once, I don't think. Yeah, but that's where we got to know each other from and then you've had a storied career. You worked on Eagle Heart and...

Trying to think of anything else before boring. Basically, I just I directed stuff. I did a lot of stuff with Brett Gelman, friend of the show. Yes. Did you do 1000 Cats? Yes, that was that. And we did a lot of stuff. I last man on Earth and directed other TV shows, parks and recreation and

You're not auditioning. You're on the show. Don't worry. All right. All right. But and then a couple of years ago during the the Demi, as we call it, you directed the Borat, the new Borat movie. You didn't redirect the first one. No, no. But I had to watch the first one. Did you have to watch it? Really? I watched it about 50 times. Really? Yeah.

Well, I wanted to make the second one as good as I could. Right. Were you trying to figure out all the cuts and how they hid certain things? Really, just trying to figure out the language of it because it doesn't... I mean, they made it intentionally look like not a great looking movie and I wanted to make sure... Oh, that's why you did that. Yeah. No, because you do direct really good looking stuff and Eagle Heart, of course, looked like an action movie all the time. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it was appropriate for that thing. Well, that's what a director does, does...

He not? They not? Yeah, the director comes in and says, I want this to look good or I want this to look bad. And that's basically all the decisions you make. I came into the Between Two Firms movie and said, I want this to look good. And then it came out like the way it did. Oh, well. Good, good, great.

Um, but, uh, so let's talk about Paul T Goldman because that's, uh, it's a fascinating show. I've been, uh, watching it. I haven't watched this new one, which just came out yesterday because we're taping it, uh, at press time. It hasn't come out yet. You've seen, I've seen four. Okay. That's a lot. Yeah. You've already, that's quite a lot. That is a lot. Well, out of six, that's a good two thirds of them. Yeah. But the fifth one just came out yesterday. Yes. And, uh,

Let's talk about this show. If you were to describe it, how would you even do that? It's a hard show to describe. It's probably why it took me 10 years of pitching and trying to convince people to let me do it. Let's do the description first, and then let's talk about the 10 years, because I think that's a fascinating story. It's a documentary project about a man who...

has been on a now 15 year mission to take down the crime ring run by his ex-wife that he thinks that may or may not, you know, exist. Yeah. So it's a it's it plays sort of like a true crime documentary. One of these things you would see on Netflix a lot of times for like a good half of it or a third of it.

There are documentary elements for sure. Yeah, it is about a real person. So it would appeal to those people who like the true crime kind of stuff of like, what was the one about the guy who was like ripping everyone off and flying around on planes and stuff like that? Was it the Tinder swindler? Yes, the Tinder. It plays a lot like the Tinder swindler. Yeah, that was my main influence in this show. But so it would appeal to people who like things like that. But then there's another element to it.

which is Paul T. Goldman, the person in question who this happened to and who also then wrote a book. He then wrote what? He wrote basically, yeah, this guy went through this experience, thought it was worth writing a book, thought he had an incredible experience, wrote it into a book,

thought it would make a great movie, wrote it into a screenplay, started contacting people on Twitter and tweeted at me and told me as such, told me I had an incredible thing happen to me. I made a book and a screenplay. So a third of it then is the movie that he has written about it.

Yes. Starring himself. Yeah, we shot many scenes from his screenplay and then other things that he wrote about his story with him starring as himself. Yes. And he he is not an actor. Not before this project. No, he now is an actor.

I think he's the only actor who could have played Paul T. Goldman. So you have him surrounded by these professional actors doing these scenes from his actual movie that he wrote about this. And then the other part of it is sort of a documentary about the process of doing this. Yeah, I mean, it's all kind of trying to look into his...

and see what makes him tick and see what's real and what's not and kind of figured out this very interesting to me guy. Right. So now let's talk about how you got involved because he just...

kind of tweeted you out of the blue one day? Is that what happened? Yeah, I got a tweet. He added me. You got a tweet? I got a tweet. What a great day. I got it, yeah. It was 2012. It was the kind of golden age of fun Twitter. Right. People getting jobs from it. Yeah, it was. Not getting fired from it. It was a whole different thing. And, and,

And he said, yeah, I have an incredible story and my screenplay is written and you should direct this movie. So I clicked on his Twitter and not surprisingly, he had tweeted the exact same tweet to like literally hundreds of other people. Everyone that said, you know, director, producer, he was he was trying to, you know, he was knocking on a hundred doors. And and one answer and one answered. So how did I mean, you get this tweet.

Do you say to yourself, oh, this seems like an interesting fellow or? Yeah, I got the tweet and I clicked on it. And wow, behind the scenes process. I made it. You know, when you click on the tweet, you make it bigger. Yeah, I did that. Wow. And then there was a link. His website at the time was called Duplicity. His book's called Duplicity. It's on Amazon. You should read it. It's an incredible book.

His website was Duplicity Online. He shot a video of himself that's still on YouTube where he talks about... So I saw him for the first time and he was a funny guy. He was an interesting guy. He was like a kind of a nebbishy, kind of goofy guy talking about a very serious thing and talking about bringing down this crime ring and empowering himself. And so I was interested enough that I read the book

and just became completely... I read the book in an hour and just became completely obsessed with it for... Now, is that because you're a fast reader or it's a short book or did you skip words? I'm not a fast reader and it's not a short book. But it was just so compelling. Yeah, I just fell in love with his voice that every page of it blew my mind in 10 different ways. And so then...

So this was 10 years ago. Did you reach out and say, I want to do something with this or? I did eventually. I took a few months to kind of just watch his internet activity. Just monitor to make sure that. Monitor his, you know, downloads and yeah, his usage just to make sure he wasn't crazy. I didn't know this person. I didn't know if he was a dangerous guy. I didn't know if he was

you know, mentally unwell. I wanted to like really figure out, was this the right kind of person to approach? I didn't want to approach someone who is not well, but eventually I determined I, I didn't think he had mental problems. I didn't think it was dangerous guy. And so you're not a doctor though. I'm not a doctor. We should make that clear. I became one to make this assessment. I did go to medical school. I became a psychologist. So that's why I took 10 years. You could have done it that year, but no, it was more like a hunch, which I mean, that's how a lot of doctors operate anyway. Yeah. Of course.

So I feel like, okay, this guy is like the- Especially Fauci, am I right? Yeah, yeah. Let's get into that. Yep.

So I know I just felt like, oh, he's in the zone of the type of people that documentary projects that I've loved have been about, like Grizzly Man or American Movie or kind of like odd outsiders who are kind of very driven to tell their story to the world. And he kind of seemed in line with that and seemed worth exploring, basically. So...

uh did you pitch it around to to places and and no one bit for 10 years or or what exactly there were like a bunch of i would say nibbles but more like big bites and then they would like spit it out along the way like i got i got a company involved this company caviar and we and they paid for me to like interview him and that interview was in a lot of the show and then started pitching it around eventually uh hulu bit and then they paid for a pilot and then they um

said no thank you now is any of the pilot is still usable yes you got to use it so you got the pilot back I got the pilot back it cost some money we we paid them we got the pilot back and most of the first episode of the show is this pilot that we shot in 2017 yeah okay so then the the pandemic happens and you direct Borat and it kind of seems like maybe that opens the door to people going like oh I understand what Jason does now and

in terms of like, this sort of fits into that kind of thing. Yeah, it helped a lot where I could, I mean, to me, it's a very different kind of thing than Borat. Borat is a comedy character. Does Paul say my wife ever? He does, right? He does say my wife. He does a lot. Maybe it is a lot like Borat. That is the defining characteristic of Borat. We all know he says my wife. He refers to her.

As his property. But yeah, doing that when you do a successful thing that's unlikely. I think that's what let Peacock feel okay about taking the chance on this. And it is a risky kind of thing. I mean, it's not a normal type of show. It's not a normal show. I'm learning that more and more now that it's out in the world and people are seeing it. I'm remembering how not normal it is. Right. But it's great because it kind of feels like a show.

from like 2022 when there was peak streaming and they would buy a lot of stuff and not just like junk it and bury it and take it off the streaming services without ever showing it. You know, it kind of feels like one of these things of like, oh, wow, back when these streaming services first started, they had a lot of money and they would, you know, take a risk on something and,

You know, so it feels like something of a bygone age in a way. Of 2022. Yeah. Yeah. The Halcyon days. Like, I mean, luckily, yeah, Peacock's kind of new. I mean, no one, you know, it's like, well, that doesn't feel like a Peacock show. But it's like, no one knows what a Peacock show is. They don't. They're still figuring it out. Maybe everything will feel like this because it's such a big success. Maybe. Yeah. Well, it's a great show. And the exciting, it's six episodes. It's very gripping.

my wife and I have been watching it. Suck it to me. Now who's the bore ass? Oh shit. I've been bore at it. We've been watching it and it's very gripping and very funny. And I don't want to say exactly where it goes, but, and I'm into, I don't even know the last two episodes where it goes, but. It goes somewhere. Yeah. It keeps kind of taking. Yeah. Every time I think it's done of like, oh wow, they've told the entire story.

I look down and go, oh, no, there's two more. There's an hour and a half left. Yeah. For you to watch. Must be going somewhere. It's going somewhere. All right. Well, episode six out this Sunday and catch up on all of it on Peacock. Jason Wallner is here. We need to get to our next guest if that's all right. Jason, what do you think? Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. It's OK. Yeah, it's all right. Do you want to talk? No, no, I'm good. You have anything else?

That was it, basically. That's it? Yeah. All right, great. Let's get to our next guest. She's in hospitality, and we've talked to her once before when we were on tour. I can't remember what city, but feels like...

Feels like New England somewhere, but let's talk to her. She works on a cruise ship. Please welcome back to the show, Chibi Dips. Hey! Oh my God, it's so fun to be on land again. I am all over the place right now. I tell you, whenever I come on land, I'm like...

You're sort of swaying side to side right now. I'm putting my land legs back. Yeah, please don't vomit. Does the reverse ever happen where people who primarily are in the sea, they get on land and they get Lansic? You know what happens is you shit. Oh, it's the other way. Yeah, so you just... That's the opposite. When you're on land for too long, you just shit your pants. South of the equator, though, you vomit. And if you're seasick, you shit. Exactly. And it goes the other way. Interesting. Wow. So.

Wait, does shit come out clockwise? It goes counterclockwise. I guess I never realized that it came out a certain way. Welcome back to the show. This is Jason. Hi, Jason. Hi, nice to meet you. You ever see Borat? I have seen clips of Borat. Just clips on the cruise ship? Have they not ever shown it in the movie? They've never shown it, no. They've never shown it? They just play Groundhog Day on repeat on the ship. Oh, interesting. Yeah, so... That seems metatextual to me. I don't know what that word means. Hmm.

Well, Jason's a director and... Wow. Oh my gosh. Wow. And a writer as well? Yeah. Yeah. You ever put pen to paper? Sure. Yeah. As a scribe? Yeah, I've written... Yeah. Wow. Okay. Like a diary or something? Like a journal? Yeah, yeah. Some... Not really. No. Just, you know, some TV shows. Yeah, some TV shows. Okay, okay. Yeah. All right. Well, that's...

That's awesome. Anything that I might know from the cruise ship? Probably not. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. What kind of entertainment do you, besides Groundhog Day, do you get on the cruise ship? You get human performers, right? Live performers on the cruise ship? Oh, yeah. We have wonderful, amazing stand-up comedians who come on.

um they do real fun jokes about women being stupid and a lot of my wife jokes actually that's what I was gonna say oh wow okay oh yeah they get maybe this is the year of my wife again my stupid fucking wife my dumb fucking wife yeah wow it's awesome y'all would love it do you have a wife is that why you relate to these or are you a wife um

I am a wife. I'm a wife on land, but also at sea. Oh, you are? With the same person? No, different people. So I have my land husband and I also have my cruise ship husbands, plural. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, there's a lot of turnover on the ship. Oh, yeah. I mean, I worked on there for 20...

25 years now, just on the shit, did not leave. Turnover sounds like what I tell my women when I have sex with them. Jesus Christ. You tell them to flip over? You don't do any of the work? Wait, so you think when you have sex with someone, I should physically turn them over? Yeah, do the work. Do the work. Move them around. Pick them up. Like a rag doll? Yes. Rag doll. That's how you...

Look, when I have sex with people, I just lay and they throw me around. And they throw you around. Oh, okay. And you're tall too. I am? Yeah. Usually you make women so small. I am very tall. No. How tall are you? I'm 6'2". 6'2". Yeah. I'm 6'2 and a half. Are you sure? Why? You seem like a kind of guy who lies about his height. Just about my height or about everything?

About everything, but how about your height? All right. Well, we've met once before. Did we like each other? We met on the hentai cruise. Oh, that's right. Hentai cruise. Scott loves hentai. I don't know if you know this. I didn't know that. No. Apparently, I love hentai. He loves. He's obsessed with hentai. Which is tentacle porn. Is that what it is? He loves having sex with octopuses because they do all the work. Yeah. They have eight arms to do it all. Yeah. They can flip you over. Yeah. Flip themselves over.

So we Did you miss me? I Barely remember talking to you When I heard you were on the show I was like Have we ever spoken before? What did we talk about? I made a big impression You loved me What did we talk about even? We talked about me Being on the cruise How I got on the cruise Which is

I took a cruise with my husband and my son right after I gave birth to my son. Right after? Yeah, right after. Fresh. Fresh. I mean, they're in fluids when they're in the womb. So, you know, it must have been kind of like a second home. Wow, you know so much about babies. Yeah.

Fluids. Yeah. So, well, basically I gave birth. It was not a big deal for me. Like I, it just almost fell out kind of situation in the bathtub.

Oh, you were, it was a water birth. I had the home water birth. Oh, really? And was it a planned home water birth? I love water. I love water. You were just in the bathtub and it came out. I was just in the bathtub, came out, epsom salts, you know, which was bad because the baby absorbs it through its skin. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. So does your baby have salty skin? Super salty skin. Oh, I'm so sorry. Tiniest pores. I'm so sorry. It's so sad. So, no, but this is 20 years ago. So then when we got on the ship and,

we had a great time that whole week. And then I just turned to my husband and I said, you know what? I'm going to stay.

I'm going to stay. Y'all go back. And then I just stayed and I got a job on the ship and I worked and I worked. And then, you know, I'll just send them messages occasionally on Facebook or something like that and just be like, you know, I'm thinking about you. Have you seen the child since? Not in face to face. No. Because, you know, when I come on land, like right now, I'm only here for an hour. Right.

Right. So you have time to do a podcast. You're lucky. Because normally I would be doing real fun land stuff. Right. Yeah. I'd be going to a t-shirt shop, getting a souvenir. There's plenty of t-shirts on the ship. Oh, there are? Life's a beach. What do you do on land that you can't do on the ship? Oh, go to Burger King, stand by the playpen.

The playpen at Burger King. Burger King, yeah. Oh, okay. It's one of those old ones that still has the playpens. Okay. Where did you dock near here? Oh, yeah, Santa Monica area. Santa Monica. Santa Monica Pier. How'd you get here from Santa Monica? Why do you care about that? That's so boring. Where did you go? If you were at the pier, did you go down then to PCH and then come up to the 405? I'm not going to help with this. Okay.

No, I got in an Uber and I said, you know what? Take me to Scott Aukerman. He knew exactly where you were. Oh, interesting. You're so famous here. Everyone knows where you are. So, I mean, 20 years, you have a 20-year-old child and you're still married. I can't believe your husband hasn't divorced you. Oh, yeah, no. We're very married. We're in love. We're so in love. But you never see him? No. And really, on the communication, I'll look at my wall. He'll say, you know...

Thank you. Your Facebook wall. My Facebook wall. Oh, yeah. And, you know, obviously, I've been working for... I was working for... Obviously. Obviously, y'all know my story. Because I was on that one time and you remember everything about me. And you definitely listened to that episode. Definitely, yeah. Yeah, no.

What was I going to say? I don't know. I used to work for Rat in the Hat Cruises. Rat in the Hat. Rat in the Hat. Oh, okay. Oh, that's right. We talked about rats have jobs on your ship. Is that right? It depends on the theme of the cruise. Oh. So sometimes, you know, we have doggy cruises. We have kitty cruises. We have Rat in the Hat Cruises where the rat in the hat run the whole ship. Are they rats dressed like the cat in the hat? They're rats in hats.

But are they in Cat in the Hat hats? Like they're at a rave in the 90s? Like generic way? Little tiny cabot hats. Little tiny berets. Okay. Like captain ship hats? Sure. Are they dressing for the job they have or the one they want? All types of hats. And do they work or are they just loose on the ship? They work. They make the

They make the teppanyaki. People are okay with rats preparing their food? Oh, yeah. No, they weren't for sure. Well, they're paying. I mean, they're paying to see that. I would pay to go on it and see it. I'd bring some snacks maybe. Yeah. For the rats or for you? For the rats. Yeah, just to encourage them. Oh, come on. You bring snacks for regular cruise ship workers? Yeah. I saw him on the cruise. He was just in that theater watching that and died nonstop the whole time. Are we going to do that again?

Can I have octopus tonight? No. Wait, I eat it as well? Oh, yeah, you do. All right. Well, I got a new job. I'm working on a new. Oh, a new cruise line? Oh, yeah. And this one's fun because it's all different themes. So this is Splishy Splashy Cruise Ships.

She's splashy. She's splashy. She's splishy cruise ships. She's splashy. She's splishy cruise ships. Yeah. And so we have all different types of cruises. I mean, the list goes on and on. Well, why don't you say one of them? And on.

One or two, maybe? What have we got? Really? So you've tapped out at zero? Bat cruises. We got squirrel cruises, bat cruises, rabies cruises. Rabies cruises? Yeah. So if you get rabies, you come on the cruise. Oh, okay. Then what do you do? Then you die. Oh, wow.

Rabies is 100% fatal. I don't know if you know that. Yeah, I knew someone who thought they got bit by a bat. They didn't think they got bit by a bat. There was a bat in their house. There was a bat in their house, right. And then if there's a bat in your house, you have had a bat encounter. And her husband had some sort of a rash or something like that. No, no.

No. You're getting the story all wrong. How do you know these people I know? His story was on Facebook. It went viral. Oh, okay. It went viral? It went viral. No. Sounds like I should click on that to make it bigger. Wait, any bad in your house, you legally have rabies and have to die? Well, legally, you've had a bad encounter. You've had a bad encounter. But isn't the only way to test for rabies, they have to cut your brain in half. What?

That's true. No. That's the only way they can test. Lengthwise? I think straight down the middle, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which down the middle? Down the half? That's what I'm saying. They do it like a hamburger or they do it like a club sandwich? You cut a hot dog in half like that? Down the middle. Down the middle you do. Straight down the dog. Half one bun with a half hot dog. Half another bun with another half a hot dog. I think they cut it down the middle like between your eyes.

Which I think you can survive from. You just, it makes you like a weird person. And what are they looking for when they do this? A certain pattern. A pattern of like, I think I have rabies. Yeah, it eats away at your brain in a certain way. Like polka dots or something? Something like that, yeah. Wow, okay. Did that ever happen to this person's husband?

No. Did they cut his brain in half? No, they didn't cut his freaking brain open. He found a bat in the bed, climbing up the side of the bed. Okay. With his wife? His wife was not there. Oh, thank God. She had COVID. So wait, they separated? She had COVID.

and she was in Los Angeles. This is the kind of husband who is not like, oh, you have COVID. Well, I'm going to get it. Just go. Let's sleep together. Well, this is more successful. So he's been working a job. Say no more. The man is more successful in a relationship. You know, I've been encouraging you so much every time I see you. You got to do stand up on the show. You fit right in. I really would. You're so good. Give us some of your stand up.

Does it have to be hentai themed stand up? Because that's the only cruise I want to do. It's the only thing in your brain. It's all you remember. So octopuses, they have eight arms, right? Yeah. Then why don't we have eight dicks?

It took me a second, but boy, did they. Worth it. It's a thinker. That's one you'll get on your way back to your cabin. Well, I already got it. Okay, well, good. It was so good. But please go back to your cabin. Okay, wait. No, I don't go. By the way, you know, when I sleep in, I told you this, but we all sleep multiple people per cabin. Per cabin. It's just you're rotating through space.

sexual relationships. Oh, yeah, of course. No, it's one big, um, like kind of orgy when you're in that, those little cabins, because it's like 26 people and we sleep in a little chain. Um, how do you sleep in a chain? What does that mean? I wrap my, my legs around your neck. Oh, okay. You wrap your legs around his neck and then he wraps his legs around my neck. And then, you know, things get crazy. We all flip over. Um,

Okay, but I want to keep talking about my cruises. Oh, okay. So have you thought of more? Shut up. I know my cruises. Okay, well, you just started working there, so I know you can be forgiven for not knowing every single one. Yeah, I appreciate it. I appreciate it. So what do you have? What kind of cruises are on the splishy-splashy? Oh, Jesus. There's all sorts. I mean, obviously, people can do it for self-help reasons. Can do what?

Go on a cruise for self-help. And it's a self-help themed cruise? Yeah, no, it's like, you're going to get better on the ship. Oh, okay. You know, kind of thing. So if, you know, people who suffer from diseases like they love Disney or they love musical theater, they come on. And they get cured? And they get cured. They,

So I was thinking you should come. You love musical theater. Yeah, and I used to work for Disney as well. So that would be a good cruise for you. You could get better. I could get better. We're paying for you. This sounds like that kind of like, what is that treatment that people go through to not like musical theater anymore? And...

What do they do? It's like electrodes and stuff like that. Shock therapy. Shock therapy, yeah. You don't have that. No, what we do is we just sit them all down in a room and we blindfold them. We tape their mouths. We tape their legs together. And we just lay them there. And that solves it? It solves it. You just torture them. Yeah, because in their head, they're going, they're thinking of all the musical theater over and over again. They're like, I'm going crazy. I can't do it.

And then they're cured. So that's actually a pretty simple. You love it. All right. Well, is that for Disney or for musical theater? I guess they tie in together a lot of times. Because you think about the characters. So it's whatever you're thinking about when you get tortured in that situation, you get cured of. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Why? You don't trust that? You don't believe that? I don't know. I don't know. It doesn't seem like a problem to a lot of people. Like, oh, I think about Disney too much. Okay, well, you've never been on the cruise. When you went on Hentai, the Hentai cruise that you were on was meant to cure Hentai. It was? You just went double down. I was all in. You're obsessed. What else do we got? We got cruises for brothers and sisters who are too touchy.

Not like they sleep together or anything, but you know, like how when they pose in pictures, they hold each other. This is not a cruise to cure them. This is just for, for them to enjoy this. Yeah. This one's for them to enjoy. Okay.

Yeah. So you wander around the ship just kind of like awkwardly touching your brother or sister. You get to touch your brother or sister. You know, you get to sit on your brother's lap, something like that. But no one's really thinking in their heads like, well, that's a little too much. Right. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do know. You ever seen that account online that's like, are they brother or sister? Are they dating? I have. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that. But none of them are dating. None of them are dating. Okay. So the question never needs to even come up.

No, it's just a safe space. Right. Safe space for them to be. For them to be around. Yeah, great. What other types of cruises do you have? What else? We got cruises for guys who wear the little newsy caps. Oh, okay. So that one's a self-help one too. Oh, that's to cure them. We've got to cure them. How many are these to cure and how many are just for people to enjoy the cruises? I'd say half and half. Half and half. Yeah, you know, safe space. Oh, this is, there's another one. Safe space for men to learn.

about how women, when they have tampons in, they can pee. They can. They can. Okay. They can't. They can pee. They can't. They can? They can, Scott. They can pee. Oh, you poor, poor. But does it get on the tampon? It does, yeah. Not on the part that's already up there. Oh, it does? But on the string. The string does it? Okay. Yeah.

Did you have any other questions? That was my only question. Was the tampon gets wet with pee? Yeah. It does. It does. Okay. But it doesn't... So the pee part is just by the string then? The part that pees? What?

So the string. Yeah. So half the tampon's already up there. Okay. Half? Yeah, it's about half. Really? Oh, is the string about half? It's about half as long. As long as the tampon itself? Why, you want the string to be longer? You want it to be like a big long tail? I thought it'd be shorter. Shorter? Yeah. No! Like a little firecracker. You don't want it to get lost up there. Oh, got it. Then you have to go in here. String, string's everywhere. Okay. What else you got? Close strong. Shut up.

People love January 6th. The date. Just the date. Just the date. No connotations other than just. No, not the insurrection. Just the date. Have you been doing it before the insurrection? Yeah, we've been doing it for 20, 25 years. Really? People love January 6th. And when the insurrection happened, did it sort of put a damper on this cruise? No, so much more business. People love it.

People love Jane Austen. Do you screen for insurrectionists or? Oh, no, no. Okay, yeah. No. Yeah. Another cruise, people love Johnny Depp.

I don't know that I want to go to any of these cruises you're mentioning. What are you talking about? You love it, Scott. You loved your hentai. All right, close strong. We're coming up on a break. I already did. You already closed strong? That's strong. All right. What else do I got here? Cruises. Cruises. Cruises. Cruises for people who love to pretend to be at the airport.

Okay, how would that work? We just pretend like you're at the airport. You come, we put you through security. Security screening. You lose your bags. You have no idea where your bags are. You go up to the front desk, we say, the flight's being delayed, flight's being delayed, you're stuck there. Is there a Jersey Mike's that they've converted to making breakfast? There's a Subway that serves the best breakfast you've ever had at an airport. Oh, wow.

It's just long pieces of dry bread. A lot of people drinking at 7 a.m. Oh, yeah. Yep. Trying to some people doing it like all of a Bloody Mary, like just to save face. But then there are some people who are just like gin and tonics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Martinis.

And, you know, it's just a safe space to pretend to be at an airport. Yeah. Fantastic. And are there planes flying above all the time or? We play sound effects. So it's a full on like a Disney experience. We've got people on the loudspeaker like, you know, gate 25 has changed to gate 32. Yeah.

Gate 32. Is this your job now? It's now gate 59. What are you doing on these cruises? Is that what you do? Yeah, I do the loudspeaker. Oh, okay. So you have to make this. Can you do your best airport plane sound effect? Yeah, sure. Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to announce that gate 59 is now gate 52.

561. And would customer Scott Aukerman please bring his hand dot to the front so that we know where he's going to store it when he's on board. Thank you so much. And then do the plane. Do the plane sound. Ah!

Oh, no. Sounded like that one exploded. Yeah, well, we're at the airport, so people know when planes go down. Right. Oh, my gosh. Well, look, Chippy, this is... Congratulations on your new employment. This is incredible. Thank you so much. You know, I'm...

So I got to spend, obviously, I have to spend five to 10 years on the ship. But obviously, I get my one hour off and I'd like to spend it with you. I love it. Come back anytime. But can you stick around? Because we have to take a break. Oh, yeah, I guess. You might be a little late back to the ship. I hope that's okay.

No, they're going to leave me. They're going to leave me, but it's fine. I'll stay. Like an Uber from here to Santa Monica Pier is going to take you. It's a full hour. It's a full hour. You may not get him back on this ship. That's all I know. I'll figure it out. You'll figure it out. All right, we'll figure it out too. We're going to come right back. We have a coffee impresario coming up later and a person with exciting news. You do not want to miss that. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bambing, we're back with Jason Wolliner, director extraordinaire. Good. And Paul T. Goldman on Peacock. Five episodes out now, episode six this Sunday. And is there is there room for a sequel?

That's kind of explored in episode six, so I don't want to give it away. Okay, all right. So, but, I mean, maybe something else interesting could happen to him. Perhaps. Interesting things seem to happen to him. All right. Well, I'm excited to see what happens. We also have Chippy Dippy. Chippy Dips. Sorry, Chippy Dips. You've been on the phone trying to contact the ship, I've noticed. Yeah, I'm talking to the captain right now. Is the captain a rat currently? That captain is a bat. Oh, okay.

The captain is about and you're trying to hold up the ship. What's going on? I'm just saying, you know, guess what? I can't believe it. I'm stuck at Scott Aukerman's house again. Can't get out. He locked me in the door. So it's going to be a while. Hmm.

Well, good luck to you. I hope that you get back on the ship. Thank you. We have to get to our next guest, if that's all right. He's a coffee impresario, which I don't exactly know what that means, but I would imagine he makes coffee or sells coffee or something like that. Please welcome Bill Smither. Hey, Scott. Thanks so much for having me. Yeah, my pleasure. How are you? Very good. Thank you. Let me answer that question that you asked right before I was allowed to speak. Yeah.

And that's an impresario. I'm a coffee sort of a curate. We should just mention to the audience, I'm not...

disallowing or allowing. I mean, it's a free country. You can do whatever you want. You don't explicitly ban somebody from speaking or holding back. But it's impolite to do that. It is impolite and you give a, I would say, a pronounced glower. A withering look. Yes, they sort of. Because you approach the mic and you almost answer that question. I shot you a look. You shot me a look. I felt cowed. I felt shamed. Good, good. But,

Truly not explicitly banned. Right. I was within my legal rights to speak anyway, and I do recognize that. I just wanted to make sure that was clear to you. If there are any lawyers listening, I do not think you have crossed any boundaries beyond your rights. And you would sign an affidavit? I would sign an affidavit, as long as I could add to the affidavit that there was a glower and I did feel shame. Okay. But I would admit that I was- We'll try to put that in the language in there, so-

Okay, that'd be fine. Well, I'll run it by my lawyer and we'll run it by your lawyer. Great, yeah, we can work something out. We've got to do it before this episode comes out, though, I think. Yes, we would have to. So we're going to have to need for them to do this ASAP because lawyers can be very slow. My lawyer is quick. Is he quick? Really? He's very fast. Mine's very slow. So it sounds like we'll get that around a normal amount of time then. It'll average out to about a normal lawyer time. I feel optimistic because I think we're...

We're in the ballpark of agreement here. Okay, great. Might have to work on dotting some I's, crossing some T's. Sure, yeah. Or dotting the T's and crossing the I's. I don't know if you've ever done that. If you want to get wild. That's in Scott's stand-up routine, that bit right there. Yeah, we're going to work that out. But welcome to the show. Good to see you. Thanks so much.

You were saying something about coffee. Yes. So I'm a coffee. Well, first of all, I'm a coffee. This is Jason, by the way. Oh, hello. Nice to meet you. You're a director, I understand. This is Pippi Chippy. Chippy Dips. Oh, Chippy Dips? Dips. Dips. Okay, like a plural of dip. Exactly. But not with a Z. Yeah, it is with a Z. Oh, it is with a Z. Okay. Did you spell it with an S? I did.

In my head, I was. Chippy dibs. Chippy dibs. My pleasure to meet you. I've never been on a cruise, but I look forward to it. You think you will be on? It's one of those things where I imagine someday I will be on a cruise. I

I feel like you got to do it before you die, but that could be any day. I know, but I just, I think a cruise is something you need to organically arrive at and not force. Not plan, really? I don't think so. It seems like most people plan their cruises. I don't think that's the way it's going to work out for me. You think you'll just like arrive at a cruise?

harbor one day and just like chance getting on a boat and then it sails away and you're on a cruise? I think so. Yeah, I think I'll just be going about my business running an errand. I'll look up. I'm on a boat and I'm like, hey, doing this for a while. Also, I would like to say lots of people die on the ship. Oh, do they? How many per cruise would you say? Oh, 10, 12. What do they do with them? Oh, they just throw the body overboard. You never existed, you know. It sounds like a nice way to go. Yeah. It's a beautiful way to go.

You're staring at the water. You're staring at the sky. And your eyes slowly die. So you just die of natural causes? Oh, yeah. Nothing's killing you except for just being there. Time to pass away. I would love for you to come on and pass away. That doesn't deter me. I think that would be a great, you know, because I'm staring at the water. Staring at the water. Staring at the sea. Close your eyes. You're dead.

I mean, I've certainly had visions of death that are a lot more traumatic than that. Your own or someone else? My own. My own. Yeah. I guess somebody else's too. Yeah. You envision other people dying horrifically. Yes. Well, what I'll do sometimes for sport is,

I don't know if you guys do this. You're walking down the street, you see strangers and you wonder, I wonder what kind of person this is. I wonder like what's going on in their life. You know, what are they thinking about? I wonder what they were like when they were much younger or much older. Just sort of you're not thinking too hard about it, but just sort of a fleeting wondering. Sometimes when I'm in that type of reverie, I'll be like, what if they die by getting caught in a safe?

Caught in a safe. Caught in a safe, like an old school Warner Brothers cast iron. And so what is happening? Someone opens the safe to get some money out of it. Maybe they're getting some money. They're putting some important- And they're not looking behind them. Like when I close my refrigerator door, I always have to look behind me and see if my dog's head is in there.

That's what I'm thinking. It's a dog. Oh, my God. They're leaning over into a German shepherd, just knocks into their keister, boom, in the safe, shuts. Slam! Eight to nine hours later, they die of thirst. Bisected. Yeah. Oh, wait, so they're inside the safe? I think wholly inside the safe. Oh, they're inside, okay. A deep, long safe. Because it's a little more grisly if they're bisected by the door.

Could be bisected by the door, like half the torso just clipped. Yeah, half the torso. So what I'm, yeah. How sharp are these doors? Like up to the rib cage? Vertically, yeah. So half your head, half your arm. So just half the entire body? Like the way you cut a hot dog. Exactly, straight down the middle. I was thinking straight down the middle, but it could be just up to the rib cage. I was thinking like a club sandwich where it's diagonal. I think that like an open face. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that. Anyway, some kind of horrific death.

And, you know, I'll be like, well, I'll never know. You know, you keep walking down the street like I don't know what's going to happen to that person. Yeah. Have you ever caught up with a person and found out if that's ever happened to them? And I've never I've never like turned around and raced after them. But I have run into people by coincidence later. And I'm like, you're going to think this is crazy. But I saw you earlier on the street and I don't know how this happened. I was thinking about you getting bisected long ways by a safe. And do you ever see them again after that?

The one time I did this, that was the only conversation I did have. Yeah. Yeah. They were a friend's wife. A friend's wife. Okay. Oh. Yeah. And so you saw a woman. You didn't know it was your friend's wife. No. You saw her walking down the street. What caught your eye about her? Well, so I'll just be honest here. I'm about 50 years old. Okay. And this woman appeared to be- When you say about 50, what are you? 58, 59? You know, I don't know. You don't know. I'm in the realm of 50. Okay.

I was adopted and my birth certificate was in dispute. Oh, in dispute. Who was disputing it? My biological parents and adopted parents didn't get along and they had a debate about it and they never really let me know how it worked out. Never settled. But I know that I'm in the realm of like- You're in the realm. So you could be under, you could be over. Hey, here's hoping. Could be your birthday today. Happy birthday in case. Yeah, every day. Do you celebrate your birthday?

I do. I have an observed birthday. Which day did you pick? I picked what I think is the most fun date. Oh, what's that? I want you to guess. December 25th. That's what I should have done. December 25th. What'd you say? January 6th. Oh, yeah. That would have been fun.

No, I picked April 15th, tax day. Tax day. Oh, that's fun. You know why? Because everyone's so miserable that if you can bring, hey, don't worry about it. It's my birthday. I don't know that that would give me any sort of solace or comfort. I don't care, really. It hasn't worked, but that was my plan. Interesting. All right. Anyway, I love coffee.

I love coffee and I'm an impresario. So wait, what attracted you to the woman? Oh, right. So she, she appeared to be around my age, uh, sort of late forties, early fifties. Right. Uh, and so you, what would you think you had a shot with her? It wasn't that it was just sort of like, I was relating to, Oh look, someone my age. Sort of. I was going through some, it's like when you see someone with the exact same model or make of car and you're like, yeah, you do sort of like, well, it's a community. Yeah. Uh,

I was just sort of, I would be honest, in that particular day, I was insecure about my life and where I was at and how things were going. Yeah, I wonder why. There's no reason. I mean, I don't know anything about you yet. Well, things, I would say, are going solidly par. Par? You're at par? Hey, that's where you want to be if you're golfing, right? Par ain't bad. It's kind of an achievement to get that. Think about it. If God...

however you understand it to be, came to you and gave two doors. Through this door is a random state of life you don't know, good or bad. And this other door is par."

Like average. Like an average life guaranteed through this door. And the other door is a crapshoot. Could be the best ever. Could be the worst ever. I would take par. You take par every time because it's certain. Is it the only life you're going to live? Because I would say the highs and lows would be interesting if you're living like 10, 20. Multiple shots. If you get multiple shots. If you're just going to live one comfort. I think in this hypothetical scenario, it's one and done. You go through the door and that's it. So like just an average size penis.

Yeah, I guess it would apply to everything. Yeah. That was not the first thing I thought about. But yes, sort of an average hog. What are we talking like four?

What size is the average one? I think it's a little higher. What do y'all think the average size is? Wait, average isn't three, two inches? Well, I believe it's a little more. Interesting. I guess we're talking average. It's more what your performance and use of it is. And if you're thinking about- No, it's about the size. Rare size queen. I'm a size queen for sure. Sounds like my mattress. It's just a queen? No.

It does literally sound like the size of a mattress. It's very uncomfortable. I thought you were doing well, and then I hear you have a queen. Oh, God. I don't mean to be overly grisly about sexual details, but you're a tall lady, six foot two. Is that part of the reason why you're a size queen? I mean, is it more important to you? Well, first of all, I think all women say, oh, no, the size doesn't matter, just to make y'all feel better. Oh, thank you so much. Because y'all are fragile. I am. I am fragile. And I appreciate it. If people are lying to me, I'm glad.

When I'm getting railed in the tiny little cabin. When someone physically turns you over. If I can't feel it, I'm going to yell code alpha. Code alpha? Code delta. That's going to bring the security team into the room? Oh, yeah, yeah.

This guy's got a small dick. We need to throw him over. What a terrible way to find out that you're not pleasing somebody sexually. Code alpha. So a bunch of guys in like white coats. I didn't even say code beta. When I say code beta. Yeah. I mean, literally. Are those the 10 to 12 casualties on each cruiser? Absolutely. I'm throwing them over. Aren't we having a nice time?

I guess so. Have a great time. I can't tell how, I don't know what the vibe is. I'm trying to figure out y'all's vibe. Whose vibe? The vibe between us and, let me look down at my notes, Bill Smither?

You don't remember someone's name when you meet them? Oh, we just met. You know, it's pretty. That's a pretty anodyne. It's an easy to forget name. You seem very average in a lot of ways. I feel it. I am proud of being average. I don't see why that's something to be ashamed of. In school, you get a C plus. I feel like that's seen as a bad grade, but it's like you're above average. Doing pretty good. You're right above average. Comfortably, invisibly above average. Tell us about the coffee. What do you want to hear about the woman?

Yeah, tell us about the woman. I can wrap it up quick. Yeah. So I was insecure about my life and I was like, I wonder how she's feeling about her life. She's a stranger. I didn't feel like I could ask her, but that made me think about, I wonder where she's at, how she's happy with her life. Maybe we were born around the same time. I wonder if she remembers the same TV shows. Like what? MASH. Moonlighting. Yeah, yeah. You know, the original Z. Yeah.

I didn't... You said something about Moonlighting Bash? I said the end. Matlock. Oh, yeah, Matlock. I was on an episode of Matlock. You were? As a background artist, yes. Oh, wow. Background artist? Is that a term that only you use to describe your function on that show? We were called extras at the time. And suddenly I'm in charge and they say, you got to call him background artist. What?

And not allowed to talk to them. You know, Matlock had great extras, I remember. He had a lot of color and character, a lot of shows to get a lot of good-looking people back there, but Matlock wasn't afraid to mix in a lot of normies. Andy Griffith, very red, his complexion. He was red at that time. He was very red. He was like a beet. It's funny because I normally know him for black and white television shows. That's true, Andy Griffith, and you wouldn't know that. Then on Matlock, it is exposed to the world. That guy is red. Yeah, suddenly color TV is invented.

And it's like, why did we like this guy? He never would have made it. He's as red as a dang tomato. He never would have made it in the CinemaScope era. Exactly. So tell us about the coffee. So I love it. Have you not wrapped up the woman? I didn't wrap up the woman, but she was on my mind because of where she was at. Later you met a friend. I imagined her death. Then I met a friend of mine. A friend said, hey, this is my wife.

This is my wife. I was like, God, I saw you in the street today and I imagined the end of your life. Yeah. And then have you ever spoken to that friend either ever again? I have only spoken to him over Facebook Messenger. Oh. Interesting way to communicate. Which the least intimate of social media channels. I mean, not according to Pippi Poppy over here.

Chippy. Chippy dip. I feel that Facebook Messenger is the most emotionally distant of the thing. I think it's the most erotic for sure. The most erotic of the. That's the only way she communicates with her husband. I think Instagram is a way more flirtatious and intimate like connection channel. What are the differences? Something about being on the same platform with your mom.

Your dad. Your grandma. Anyone can watch. Anyone can see what you're posting. My great uncle contacts me on Facebook. It feels like a very sanitized, sort of desexualized space. But that's why you like it. You want to get caught. You want to get caught on there posting on your son's wall.

I would say that it's the most sterile and emotionless of these social media channels. Okay, well. Instagram's flirtier. Twitter, I would put in between those two. Twitter is for demented people who think the world's ending. What about Words with Friends Messenger? Oh, that's, you know what? I think that's pretty intimate. Because you've got to be friends. You have to engage in a task. You have to successfully play an activity together. There's a winner and a loser. You're already pretty close. And then they start putting some moves. Yeah.

Interesting. That's pretty hot. I thought that might be the hottest. Tell us about your coffee. So I love coffee. Great. What makes you an impresario? So an impresario is sort of an arranger, you know, like almost a producer. You're a go-between? Like are you the man in the middle between coffee and the people who buy it? I like to organize coffee-themed events.

OK, so maybe like a coffee tasting party or if I think that somebody is a particularly talented roaster, I will try to connect them with a good coffee shop. Someone called Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, I do enjoy his comedy. You know, he's not afraid to. He goes there. Yeah, he goes there. So you when you say you enjoy doing this, you get paid to do this.

I have sometimes gotten a little money for it, but that's not what it's about for me. It's, I wouldn't call yourself an impresario. That's such a, a dominant term. That's how I see it. For someone who does this as a hobby. I connect people that need connecting. Um,

I think I'm sorry. Look, I've tried other terms that don't feel right. And they just don't seem to fit. I've tried organizer. I've tried coffee organizer. It's like, you organize coffee? It's like, no. That seems best. I agree. That implies like you're alphabetizing the roasts or something like that. Yeah, I'm dealing with the people. I'm dealing with like the baristas. The relationships. Yes, I'm trying to get the human. Really, producer is the best term. But in this town. But that sounds like you're making the coffee. It sounds like you're making movies about coffee. It could be so.

A movie about coffee? I mean, would you ever make that? Jason, commit now. It doesn't, I'd have to kind of hear more about what the idea is. What about making a show about it? Like, forget about a sequel to Paul T. Goldman because he's done. He's tapped out. Okay, but this guy over here, Bill Smithers. Look down right there. He,

like, listen to his life. You know, he's like a very interesting guy. Make the sequel about different people and then suddenly, like, you got something. Jason, I can tell you're being nice and polite to me and I appreciate it. I take pride in not being an interesting guy. Okay. Is that really what you are most proud of? That's one of the things I'm proud of because I...

Look, I don't mean to talk about the young people, but they sure do love to make it about them. Okay? And I like to blend in. You know, I don't mind. I like coffee. Yeah, that's admirable. I think, yeah, everyone's trying to kind of make a name for themselves, and you seem to be doing the opposite. Happy to be in the background. A background artist of life, I might say. You're not the Matlock of life.

Not at all. I don't need to be bright red front and center solving crimes. Bursting blood vessels while I do my speeches that I barely want to memorize. I don't mean to be talking to the director and asking him to change the blocking director, not understanding why bringing up that I was in the face of the crowd, a movie critically regarded and not thought of a lot these days. Yeah. You don't want to be that. You want to be the, like me in the background, just doing that job. Happy to do it still as a prop. Mm-hmm.

So why are you on the show then? I mean, what are you here to talk about? Yes, so I am beginning a new project. Great question. I am a fan. But you want to get the word out even though you don't want to make it about yourself. I want the project to get attention. I don't necessarily need to be known as the guy who's doing it. Right, even though you're an impresario. Go ahead. Even though I'm an impresario, but I'm a behind-the-scenes impresario. I'm pulling the strings. You know, I'm like a – Geppetto.

Yeah, like a Geppetto of coffee actors. Well, I mean, didn't he for a while until the Blue Fairy came out? No, Pinocchio was off on his own. No strings. But pre-Blue Fairy. No, he had no strings. He never had any strings. I think at least once or twice he did some play acting with Pinocchio. He's a puppet. We can agree Pinocchio is a puppet.

There are two things you can do with a puppet. You can pull their strings or you can shove your hand up their ass. And his dad used to shove his hand up his ass. What? No, that's a string guy. Pinocchio's a string guy. There's no hand up that ass. Why are you here? So, have you heard of Starbucks Reserve?

Oh, yeah. The nicer Starbucks. Exactly. So there's like, you know, Starbucks, of course. Is it better coffee or just a better environment? It's better coffee. It's more select grounds. Why don't they make every Starbucks a Starbucks Reserve? Hey, I agree. Because some Starbucks are just there for you to use the bathroom. That's it. Okay? You don't care what the coffee tastes like. It's a little pricier, first of all. It's just a bathroom with a coffee thing attached to it. You go, you destroy that thing, and then you leave. Right. Okay. But these are Starbucks Reserves. Starbucks Reserves are a little pricier.

A little more better quality coffee or at least more exotic, rare coffee blends. The Starbucks Reserves locations themselves tend to be a little bit more kind of fancy, sort of like slightly better sort of like furniture. The lighting is a bit lower. Rich neighborhood. It's supposed to be like a fancier Starbucks. And it's more expensive to boot. So probably the reason why they don't make them all like that is not everyone's interested in.

Paying the extra. But this guy loves it. So also it's, it's the, the theory I used to hear about Coke and Pepsi was that they were owned by the same company, uh,

that they just had the competition there of like what's better so that no one would ever talk about RC or anything else. It's like- A distraction move. If we're just talking about two things of like what's better? Well, I like Coke, I like Pepsi. No one's ever talking about the other. But that's not true, right? That is not true. I don't think it's true, no. No, no, it's not true. And then they used to take Fanta and sell it to the Nazis. It's an interesting but useless example. Yeah.

No, not true at all. How would that work? Doesn't apply and never happened. But that's an interesting fact. Yeah, it's an interesting wrong fact. Yeah.

Didn't we say one earlier, an interesting wrong fact about slicing one's brain open to find out that you have rabies? You think that's wrong? I think that's right. That's got to be wrong. There's got to be another way to tell. There's got to be another way to tell. There's also only one person who's ever survived rabies. I don't know if I believe that either. Tim Baltz. He had it? He had it. No, there is one woman. She survived. I don't.

know who he is. So wait, even if you get rabies, like a dog with rabies bites you, can't you get it treated? If you develop symptoms, you will die. You will die. Period. End of story. But they have to be able to treat it before you develop symptoms, right? The only way to stop it is to cut your brain in half. You gotta cut yourself open like a hot dog. You have to do it? You have to get yourself straight down the center. Unfortunately, that kills you, but you don't die of the rabies. But you don't die of the rabies. Which is cool because you die under your own

Why? On your own terms. So, yes, I've heard of these Starbucks reserves now that you've explained them exhaustively. So I am starting an informal organization called Starbucks Reserve Reserve, which means you are already attending a Starbucks reserve. And I have scouted you. And I believe that you deserve an even higher.

more premium experience than you're getting at Starbucks Reserve. Deserve to pay for one or you just, this is at no extra cost? At no extra cost. Oh, wow. You enter a special club called the Starbucks Reserve Reserve of which I am the Is it attached or do you have to take a, like a bus to it?

It's right there. I bring the experience to you. You're building it in a Starbucks reserve? Yes. Because it's not a physical location. It is a club. It is a cast. That sounds like a physical location. A club is a physical location. Okay. It's true. It's an existing physical location. It's not a new physical location. Well, most buildings exist already. I would say they just renovate them. Okay. That's true. Is Starbucks aware of what you're doing? No. No.

So you go into a Starbucks reserve. I go into a Starbucks reserve. You tap people on the shoulder? How do you do this? I set up camp. I get my laptop. Have you been doing this? Yes. They can't kick you out of a Starbucks, by the way. Legally? Legally, no one can be. If you're not disturbing, you're not causing a problem. No matter what you did to that bathroom, they still can't kick you out.

So I'll go in there. I'll set up camp. I'm in the corner. I'm scouting everybody. I'll spend hours. I'll watch for the regulars. Now, most people aren't there for hours. But I'm there for hours. So the people that you sometimes you'll scout someone and go, oh, that looks like a good one. They'll leave before your three hours are up. I lose a lot of people. OK. But if they're really worth it, they'll be back. And they come back and I'll walk up to them and I'll tap them on the shoulder. Say, hey, do you want a special gift?

How do people respond to that? It's a very polarizing question. When you just say, do you want a special experience? That's what I say. I go walk up to my tablet and say, hey, do you want a special experience?

What percentage of people say yes to that? 80% the conversation's over pretty quickly after this. And there's a polite and sort of firm ending to it. Have you thought about changing what you say or the way you say it? I don't think so. Because I think this is part of the selection process. Okay, so what happens to the 20%? The 20% who are intrigued, I'm like, all right. Out of that 20, how many people just ask for clarification? Most of them do. Okay. I put a finger up.

Okay. To silence them. You put it against their lip. Sometimes I'll, well, I won't touch them, but I do move it close to the lips. Now, if their lips touch your finger. That's not my problem. That's not you. Okay. And I'll have an affidavit written to excuse myself from that. And I'll just say, do you want a special experience? Well, their lips were asking for it. Put my finger up. I'll be like, come with me. They go over in the corner. They sit down. I...

Set up a little TV table. I put a nice little tablecloth over it and I set up a special roast that I have had friends of mine prepare who are expert coffee roasters and preparers. This is not a Starbucks roast. It is not a Starbucks roast. This is your friend's roast. It is a Bill roast. You'll set this up. Set this up and I'll give them a mug and I'm like, try it.

This is the Starbucks Reserve Preserve. Interesting. I didn't know you were allowed to bring your own. That's the one thing I think you are not technically allowed to sell your own coffee at a Starbucks. They say you can bring anything you want in here, just not your own coffee. They really do frown on it. Yeah, but I don't sell it. That's how that's how I serve it. I do give it away to strangers. Have you been asked to leave ever? Sometimes I'm asked to leave.

By the people who work at Starbucks or by other- By the Starbucks people themselves. No, once I get them into the corner and I'm pouring them, I have a 100% success rate. Really? What do you define as success? That they like it. That they like it and they say, thanks for doing this. I appreciate it. So two things. They have to like it and they have to thank you. And that's success. And that's 100% success. 100% people, wow. And then what happens?

Then I let them go on their day and I'm like, next time you're in here, if you want another one, give me the old high sign. What's the high sign? High sign is sticking your arm fully above your head and waving and like waving. I'm out at that point. Well, you don't have to. That's a one and done for me. I haven't had any high signs, but I'm waiting for them. I have seen some of those regulars again. When the Starbucks people tried to kick me out, I have an interesting technique, which I once saw a woman do in a Starbucks. I just look at them. So they'll be like, sir, can you please leave? Can you not do this? And I'll just say, no worries.

And then you say- Just look him dead in the eyes and go, no worries. It's so nonspecific, it would confuse me. It confuses them and they just give up. And I go back to my corner. No worries. No worries. No worries. No worries. No worries. No, I say it in normal- You say it in normal, bland English. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And Starbucks Reserve Reserve, and technically I don't have rights. Do they stand there for a little bit for a while and then go, okay. And they just give up and go, wow. Yeah, whatever. This guy's not worth it. Wow.

I've heard that phrase. So I'm here to promote Starbucks Reserve Reserve. If you're in a Starbucks Reserve. Just any Starbucks Reserve? Any in the country. I move around. So how are people supposed to come back and find you and give you this high sign if suddenly you moved on to Cleveland? It's got to be the gods have to have ordained it. Don't force things. You believe in God? I believe in several gods. Which ones?

Let's see. I believe most of the fun ones. God. Like the hyper specific one. I don't like God. He's too general. I said Gog. Oh, Gog. Yeah, Gog is fun. Okay. Gog would be a fun one. Yeah. I like guys like Vulcan. Hmm.

Dumbledore. Oh, Dumbledore. Dumbledore? Dumbledore. Yeah. I don't think Dumbledore was a god in Harry Potter. Gandalf. Okay, now that I'm really reexamining the Harry Potter books. Santa Claus. Maybe he was a god? I mean, Gandalf could have been a god. What were his powers? That's true. He's dressed in white. He certainly would be a fun god. I like costumes. I like names. I like powers. So you do believe in a god with a long white beard?

Gandalf. Gandalf, yeah, that's right. Yeah, like wizard gods. Who else? Booster Gold. I feel like for me, it's a spiritual thing. I believe in the sea. And when you go out and you look at the land, the sea, the ocean. All right, shut up. All right. Are you upset that we had what mostly was a real conversation? Not at all. I think you're a very interesting guy. I think, Jason, you should be making a show about this guy. I hope not. Did you think that I was interesting too?

Y'all liked what I said and everything. Yes, I loved it. Yeah, y'all liked me. That's a lot of diminishing returns with you. I mean, it's a little sad. Last time you were on, you were talking about rats running around the ship. What's wrong with that?

I guess nothing was right. It was more interesting is what I'm saying. I mean, I guess I was very interesting. I'm glad that when I've had sex with women, none of them have said code alpha. I guess I'm, you know, retroactively appreciative of code beta. I've had code beta. All right. Well, we need to take a break. Uh, but can you stick around bill? I got nothing to do. Yeah. I thought that about you. Yeah. My whole day's free. Yeah. I thought, um, all right. Well, uh, when we come back, we have a person with exciting news. This is incredible. I don't think we've ever had this on the show before. Uh,

This is exciting. We're going to be right back. We'll be right back with more Jason, more Chippy Dips, more Bill. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard. So is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois.

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And we also have Bill Smither. Bill, I think you need a middle initial in order for Jason to be interested in making a show about you. Oh, good tip. Yeah. Do you not have one? I'll talk to my adoptive biological parents. I don't have a middle name. You have to find out what your middle name is. So much of my birth certificate was in dispute that a lot of the information was just left out. Did your adoptive parents have a different opinion on what your birthday was? Yeah, they're like, we do not agree with this birth certificate. But they never said what they thought it was.

They would just say they assumed they would come to an agreement and they never. They never hammered it out. So they like negotiate it. Mm hmm. They negotiate it with the biological parents. Why did they think your birthday was different than what your biological. They're like, we don't. He just doesn't seem like. We don't feel like this is right. This astrological sign or. The birth certificate given was September 22. Hmm.

And they're like, he doesn't feel like a Libra. He feels like a Virgo. We think this is two days earlier. Two days. So just two days. But I just decided to, you know, once something is skeptical, you don't know how wrong it is. Yeah, that's true. So I just threw the whole thing out. That's true. We also have Chippy Dips here. What's wrong? What's wrong? Because he said that I wasn't as interesting. Oh, you've been crying this entire break. And I was trying to tell you

tell you all about my life and the bats running the ship. The bats are like a lateral move from the rats last time. You can't come back the next time and just do like the same thing. Okay, there's the

There's monsters running the ship. You don't have to make stuff up. You're obviously lying at this point. I didn't make anything up, no. I mean, the bats, we know you're telling the truth, but the monsters, come on. Okay, fine. You need to escalate is what I'm saying. It's a ship run by Johnny Depp. Clippy, I found everything you said very interesting. Like Pirates of the Caribbean? Yeah. He's the captain.

Captain Jack Sparrow. That'd be funny if in that Captain, was it Captain Phillips movie? Where it should be called Captain Phillips and then Captain whatever the other guy's name was because halfway through he goes, I'm the captain now. So it's like, it's untrue. It is misleading. It's misleading, but it would be funny if they redid that movie and then just a bunch of stars cycled through and was like, now I'm the captain. And then Johnny Depp was like, Captain Jack Sparrow. Wouldn't that be cool? Okay, yeah, that's what was happening on the ship. All right, all right. Well, guys, we've come to it.

- We've come to, this is extraordinary. We have never had this kind of hype for a guest on the show before, but he's here. He's ready to talk about it. This is the person with exciting news

Please welcome for the first time on the show, Joey Salsa. Hi, thank you so much for having me, Scott. Thank you everyone for being here. I'm very excited. So here's the thing. What happened with me? Just getting right to it. I don't know how much time. This guy was talking about walking down the street. I don't know how much time I had. This is perhaps my one opportunity at Hollywood Glory and I need to parlay this into some success. Let's do it. So 10 years ago, I was at a movie. Around the time we were

Paul T. Goldman tweeted Jason. A lot of stuff happened 10 years ago. Exactly. I remember it because I watched After Earth, which I assume was a huge movie because after I watched this, I came up with an idea for a musical. And I have since then been working on this musical and stayed away from all social media, all internet, all information so as I could live like- All information. All information. Well, aside from the information that was there from when my main characters were alive because I wanted to invest in the same lives of my main character. So I had come up with an amazing musical. I'm already lost. Okay.

So I came up with an amazing musical, but the characters that it's about lived a long time ago. So they did not have the internet. Oh, so they did not have, this is a historical historical piece, right? Period. It's someone who's in history, but people don't focus on this person in history. Got it. And that's what's so interesting. And so you've been, you've, you've,

taking yourself out of society. Yes. All information is, so do you know what year it is? I came out just the other day. I tweeted Jason. He must have clicked it too. Well, he has usually a three-month response time. Well, I didn't know we'd be meeting in person today. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I followed up saying that I'm

I'm normal. I sent him all my browser history and he could see I hadn't done anything in 10 years. So how could that be crazy? That's just empty. That's even weirder. Well, I'm here and I'm here. And so I'm going to present my musical. And now a lot of people focus on the main founding fathers. I am focusing on a different founding father. This is Alexander Hamilton is the founding father I have chosen to focus on. You might be like, why is he on a $10 bill?

Yeah. No, I mean, Alexander, you may not know this, but in the last 10 years, Alexander Hamilton got very big in the popular consciousness. Like a biopic or? No, a musical. You're fucking kidding me. In fact, a rap musical, if you can believe it. You're fucking kidding me. Yeah. Yours wasn't a rap musical, was it? It's.

It's spoken word in the sense that it is spoken in rhythm. Yeah. I'm not a singer. Oh, you don't. You can't even write music. No, no. That's a problem. If you're trying to write. Well, yeah, I wrote all these. I wrote. I wrote those usually other people sing it. But in this case, the writer actually performed it as well. Oh, my fucking God.

Just like you. Is that what you're going to do? That's what I was going to do. That's the exact thing that I was. Yeah. You're also, by the way, it was a musical with no white people in it. Is that similar to yours? I was hoping. Yeah, I was hoping that there would be no white people. Because you are not.

Not white. Oh, okay. Oh, no, I'm white. It's been a while. I'm sorry, you're just very pale. You haven't been out in the sun for a while. Yes, it's been 10 years. Oh, no. Okay, well, I was going to present my songs. I was going to show you everything. Well, there's been some time since Hamilton came out. Maybe there's room for another one. You know, I mean, Armageddon and what was that other movie? Deep Impact. Deep Impact came out in the same year. I mean, there could be room for two. Yeah, maybe it's not the same. Maybe we touched on different stuff.

It's like those three Prefontaine movies all came out at the same time. And there's those two documentaries about the vow. Finding Nemo and Shark Tale. Thank you very much. There might still be room. But yeah, I mean, some would argue that now Hamilton is even more famous and interest is even higher. Okay. What's yours called? Alexander the Great. Not the one you're thinking about. The other one, Hamilton.

Don't tell me that's the name. No, no, no. His is just Hamilton. So I think that there won't be any confusion in the marketplace. Okay. Yeah. That's great. Just Hamilton? Just Hamilton. Can you believe it? I don't even know what that is. I can't. Okay. I know. All right. Well, yeah, I guess maybe. Because I hear ham and I'm like, mm, yummy. Right. And then suddenly they follow it up with Olten? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe a musical. I mean, I think musical theater is a mental illness, but.

Maybe a musical about ham could be good. Okay. We're already moving on to other projects? Oh, wait. Here's your song. Here's your song.

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore, the kind of guy who says, hey, let's plan to hang out. But then he doesn't set a date. So then you have to set a date. And then you follow up and be like, did we set a date? And he's like, oh, no, but we should hang out. And I'm like, how about Tuesday? He says, I can't do Tuesday. And I'm like, come on, man.

I'm doing all the work here. This is where he started and in later songs I'm gonna show you where he gets to. He's also the kind of guy who says, "You smell like shit." And I'm like, "I don't smell like shit." And he's like, "That's my kind of humor."

And I say, that's not humor. That is just a lie. That's not who he is. But right now he is that guy. And he's the kind of guy that will tap you on the shoulder. And you'll look at that shoulder and he'll be at the other shoulder. My point is right now, he's not a great guy, but eventually he's going to be a great guy. Okay. Okay. Okay.

First of all, I'm sorry that I cued that. I'm engineering the show now. No, please, that's good. That's fantastic. And I accidentally hit play, but it was good because I feel like we established the premise. Yeah, that one didn't need a lot of setup. With sufficient time. Yeah. But okay, so just first of all, musically, very similar.

Okay. Almost identical, I would say. Okay. Almost as if this is a karaoke track. Okay. But lyrically original. Lyrically very original. Yeah. The existing Hamilton musical does not get a lot into whether he would or would not tap you on the shoulder. And be at the other shoulder. And then if you did, whether that would be like a prank or...

I haven't seen it, but I don't think there's a part about him telling you that you smell like shit. Okay. Okay, great. I don't recall that. Yeah, I don't think so. That's definitely not it. So music's on the first one. And again, that's just my first, I mean, that's the intro song. So you're talking about Hamilton or this is Hamilton talking about someone else? That's me talking. We're setting up who Hamilton is. We've got to start up that he's- So this is someone else talking about Hamilton.

Yeah, we're saying that. You're kind of saying that later you're going to be talking about him. He's an orphan. He's a son of a whore. That's similar too. And he's the kind of guy that would touch the shoulder and be around the other shoulder. And you're trying to make plans with him and he's always putting it on you. And so it's like, do you really want to hang out? It just seems like he's not that good of a guy. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, exactly. Yes, that's the point of that song. Okay.

Huh. So everyone got the point of that song. Yeah, no, that was very clear. Kind of shady with his social commitments. Okay, great. Fantastic. So that's the point of that song. So I build from there and then there's an Aaron Burr character in my, in mine. I don't know if they're there. Yeah, it's the other character. In fact, they sold hats. Some say Hamilton, some say Burr.

it's like, whose side are you on? Yeah. He's kind of almost the main character in a way. Yeah. The second lead. Okay. All right. Well, maybe, maybe that's similar, but in my, I imagine that they actually met up well long before the duel. So this is, this is all, this is a little, they've known each other for a long time in the musical that we,

Yeah, but in mine, I pinpoint the moment that they met. I think this one does too, but maybe it's a different time. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, yeah, mine takes place in 1776. Yeah, in fact, Hamilton, the one that exists, they start by saying 1776 and they repeat it several times. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's try. Maybe mine's different. Okay, yeah, let's hear it. Yeah.

1776. Yeah, that's rough. I can change that part. All right, so this is where it goes.

Excuse me, are you Aaron Burr, sir? No, I'm not. I'm the baker. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Excuse me, are you Aaron Burr, sir? Well, that depends. Who's asking? Well, sure, sir. No, just kidding. I'm not actually Aaron Burr, no matter who you are. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there.

Excuse me. Are you Aaron Burr, sir? No, I'm not. How dare you? Oh, I have a bad relationship with Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Excuse me. Are you Aaron Burr, sir? Yes, I am. Spelled E-R-I-N Burr. Oh, no.

Aaron Burr is over there. Aaron Burr is over there. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So it's two songs in a row where things are promising to happen later. Am I getting that right? Well, yeah, it happened. That song. Again, very musically similar. In fact, almost identical.

And lyrically starts exactly the same as well. It's just the date, though. I mean... Well, the date and then Are You Aaron Bursar is... You know, again, I haven't seen the popular Hamilton. Oh, it's popular. But I'm really enjoying these songs. Yeah, I thought the lyrics were so good. You just kept repeating Aaron Bursar over there. Well, yeah, because you can imagine more people doing it. Is there a lot of people in the place? Or...

in the play? No, in the place that he's looking for Aaron Burr. Oh yeah. I think that there'd be like at least like five, you know, that's not a lot of people for him to make the mistake that many times. I'm sorry. I've spent 10 years by myself researching and writing. So five people is a lot of people. You need more people in there for him to, for him to be going through one by

one right but you need to be like we cut the song before but one of them actually he takes out you think it's someone new but then they take off a mask you realize it's the same person who just put on a mask to disguise themselves to this guy because when everyone's saying Aaron Burr is over here Aaron Burr then he's dancing around so he didn't see the mask get put on where are they uh just like I'm thinking like a circle I'm thinking like a spinny circle like a stage that no but in the scene where they oh 1776 no no not the time period oh what

Where are they in like a mask store? It's like the East Coast, I think at that time, mostly. Yeah, I don't think we're getting. Well, I'll be honest. Most of my research I didn't because I couldn't use a car and I live far away from a library.

So I would walk to my library and it would often be closed when I got there. And then I would have to walk home. So a lot of- Why didn't you start walking earlier? I've got to get my eight hours, Scott. Okay, your pardon. I'm an artist. So yeah, sometimes I would get there. And so maybe I don't have as much research as I would have liked to done in the 10 years. But so I don't know exactly the locations. We'll say they were in a- Does he ever catch up to Aaron Burr in that scene or? Yeah, at the very end.

then he says, Aaron Burr is right here. Aaron Burr is right here. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And what do they, do they, do they say, do they meet? Would they have an interesting conversation? Yeah, they meet. And then Aaron Burr kind of establishes his, his personality. You know, he like not, is going to stand out. He's not going to go out on the limb in mind, you know, and then, and then, and then, uh,

Alexander Hamilton is like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go out on a limb. I'm going to say stuff. I'm going to write stuff. He writes a lot too. Um, I have a song about how he's always writing. That's actually some five. If, if, um, yeah. All right. Let's hear this one. All right. I like to write. I like to write. I like,

This is different. I write a lot. I like to write. I also like to doodle. I'm the first guy who made the Stussy S. Remember the Stussy S? That was me. Wu-Tang symbol, also me. The guy with his nose over the brick wall. I like to doodle. What other doodles? Those are the three I know, but also people's names. Oh, yeah. I just remembered another.

Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Because he writes a lot, but then... Yeah, Joey Salsa is your name? Yeah, that's right. What kind of name is that, by the way? It's my first and my last. Oh, got it. I mean, that's very different. I mean, I...

Yeah. You have a unique style of your lyric writing where it's like the person's coming up with it while they're saying it. Yeah, I think that's fun. I also like to kind of, I like to call myself like starting confident, you know? Yeah. And then slowly, slowly becoming, letting the actors become, appearing to become less confident. That's sort of how this podcast goes too. Yeah. By the third, by C block usually. Right.

I like how your song makes an assumption over how much the listener is thinking of or regarding the song. Like you probably don't know what that is. It involves the listener. I like that. Yeah, and that's the character. I'm sorry if you thought that was me, but that's Alexander Hamilton. No, we understand. He liked to doodle.

Well, my point is, again, it gets to it a little bit later in the song, but he writes so much that he's always writing that he has time to even do other things, but he's still writing more. This, though, is my problem, I think, with this song is the historical inaccuracy. He designs video games? And the one that's going on right now, it's historically accurate? Yeah, well, I mean, as far as we know, I mean, yeah. Days are up, back in the day. Well, maybe that's a good thing for me.

Maybe that's a good... Yeah, that's a way to distinguish yourself. Yeah. If it's like, this one's not true. Like maybe, okay, I have one more that I, again, didn't do much research on this one. This one would be the third song. Why did we skip four? Well, we could do four. It's a 24-minute song. It's my introduction to George Washington. I'm tempted. It's my introduction to George Washington. Let's hear three first, and then I may call it audible on four. Fantastic. All right, here we go. In my research, I realized that his wife had a sister who may have also liked him.

Yeah, this is in the regular. This is my version of that. And so this is the sister, not his wife, in the song. And she goes, I wanna fuck, I wanna suck, I wanna fuck him. I wanna suck, I wanna fuck, I wanna fuck him. I take my pantaloons down and put my butt next to his butt and we can blow up a bubble. Yes, I just invented that.

And that'd be hentai. Yes, a fucking octopus. And that's a thing I do, cause even back then we did. And I will suck him and I'll fuck him and I'll do the butt thing with the bubble butt. That's a thing I invented. Hentai octopus. Ha!

Wow. Well, that can't have been in the other one. No, that was pretty different. Pretty different. Where was that song taking place? Is she just sort of saying that to the mirror? Or is she out on the street? Yeah, I think that one, she's probably like, you know, yeah, out on the street probably. Yeah. Telling passersby? Yeah, that seems like. She wants to blow a butt bubble with him.

She actually invented that. And that is maybe... I don't know if that's historically accurate because I couldn't find proof of that, but... What is a butt bubble? You put your butt next to another butt? If you put your butt and your butt blow at the same time, is that physically accurate? Oh, yeah. I know. You've been alone for a long time. I don't know if this is possible with human bodies the way they are these days. Yeah, no. But anyway, so I'm available to make this musical. There are, you know...

hundreds of more songs that I have. What was your track four? This is a 24 minute song introduction to George Washington. He's a big hulking character, obviously in mind. So this is his introduction.

Big, lots of lights. Lots of lights. Oh, good, good, good. Yeah, yeah. I'm George Washington. I'm George Washington. I'm George Washington. All right. All right. Okay, this is not good. I was on board through the four songs. 24 minutes? Yeah, he gets, eventually he gets to like, am I George Washington?

Thing no I'm George Washington He eventually gets to that He thought he was George Washington Thing Well he's asking And this is his name This one he is looking in a mirror So he's talking to someone else who is himself Eventually like how How deep into the song That's the end yeah so like 23 24 minutes of just I'm George Washington Yeah but it changes a little bit Oh a little bit Joey Joey You've wasted 10 years of your life

Because there's another one? Well, even if there was no other musical about Hamilton, this one sucks.

you're not you're not good you you shouldn't not be doing musicals i'm sorry i shouldn't not be okay i don't i don't need to give you a double negative i'm gonna take that information scott i'm gonna continue gotta be careful with what i say and i believe in myself so you gotta you gotta take what do they say a million no's to have a yes right yeah a million that's a terrible reason that's a lot yeah but you do have to be delusional to get into this line of work at

That's true. That's a good point. I mean, I think the existence of the other one is your best asset right now. Okay. Like when you say I've got a better Hamilton, I do think people will be interested. Oh, better Hamilton? Yeah.

I think that's what you got to say. Or if I could just somehow trick people into thinking they're paying to see the popular Hamilton and then work out something where they can't get their money back. Yeah, maybe it's Ham L Ton or something like that. Yeah, or you know, you go to a Hamilton production and you open your own little side production inside of Hamilton. Yeah, you like to have people on the shoulder and say, would you like to have a special experience? Yeah, okay, yeah. Would you like a special experience? Okay, I could do that, yeah. Yeah, this is a good thing. Great, yeah. You lock the doors from the outside. Oh, yeah, and

You lock them in like Scott locked us all in. Yeah, oh, sorry about that. Well, look, we are running out of time, guys. I'm so sorry, Joey. No, I'm taking... You gave me a great feedback, and I am excited to continue on my journey. I gave you a great feedback, I did. But before we go, we just have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Don't do something called plugs.

plugs. All right. Yeah, that was a wee day with Dr. Sibido. Okay. Thank you so much to we day for that. Uh, guys, what are we plugging? Jason, obviously a Paul T Goldman out on Peacock right now. I don't think I right now. The final one airs this Sunday. There's six episodes. You can binge them at this point. And, uh, what if you just took them one at a time? Like at this point,

was like, okay, I'm going to watch one a week, even though they're all available. Yeah, feel free. People can do that? Yeah, people legally can do that. Okay, interesting. They can do anything they fucking want. All right, hey, you heard it here first.

And anything else you have on the horizon? No, this is it for me. I'm done. You're done. Congrats. Great run. Thank you. I love it. And Chippy Dips, what are you up to? Wow, thank you so much for getting my name right, finally. Well, first of all, I would just like to plug our next cruise coming up. It's a Salt Daddy convention. Salt Daddy convention. What is it? What is a Salt Daddy? So, you know, sugar babies, when the daddy doesn't pay. Oh, right. They're called a Salt Daddy.

Oh, sugar babies win the salt. Oh, so the salt. So when you're a sugar baby, your sugar daddy, you know, takes care of you. He pays for all your stuff, right? But he stiffs the check. But when he stiffs you, when he doesn't pay for your classes, for your art classes, for your reading seminars, for your blowouts and all that, he's a salt daddy. Ah.

Oh, this is a safe space for all the salt. For the salt daddies. Oh, OK. Not spend money together. Great. All right. That's coming up. That's coming up next week. So get your ticks.

And then, you know, I just like to promote this one little podcast that sometimes I hear called This Book Changed My Life on CBB Presents. Okay. That's monthly, as I recall. Yes, monthly. And also very cool social media on Facebook. You can follow at L-I-L-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y.

All right, great. And what was your name? Bill Smith. Bill Smith. That's right. Yeah, that's who I am. Bill Smith. What do you have to plug? Well, I want to plug Starbucks Reserve Reserve. So if you're in a Starbucks Reserve, keep an eye out for an unremarkable man creeping up.

By the way, you say you're an unrob, and I do believe you are that in terms of like personality. Yes. Physically, you're very odd. Oh, yeah. I'm a real low percentage shot. Yeah. I mean, you're, first of all, you're...

You're as wide as you are tall. Which you don't see a lot. Yeah, you're like... Yeah, I'm like a gas pump. You're a human chode in a way. In a way. Yeah, in a way I am a human chode, I suppose. Geometrically. Yeah. I don't ejaculate. But you're a square.

Yeah. I am a square. I'm a square man. Yeah, interesting. I'm a square man with no elbows. So that is also interesting. Yeah. Nothing I like to bring up. Your arms have just been straight this entire time. You've almost smacked Jason in the face. Yeah, you look like one of those drawings that little kids do with just like a square with some legs poking out. Yeah, if you don't know how to draw that well and you can just do geometric shapes, you still got a shot at drawing me. Right? Yeah.

But other than that, unremarkable. So if you see a square man with no elbows walking up to you, just give him a chance and see what coffee he has for you. Yeah, he may be imagining your death. Pleasantly. You know, not wishing for it, just wondering what it'll be like. Yeah. And how about also, you know, I've heard some podcasts I like on the old CB Presents. You can dig into the archives there and here. You can't handle the sleuths. Archives already. There's a whole bunch of archives. Yeah, sure. But I mean, they're barely a few months old.

You know, it's sounding like an ancient history. Look, I know how the kids are. You know, something's 10 seconds old. It's forever ago. Yeah. And then I also like a podcast called Screw It. We're just going to talk about comics. These two middle-aged dudes who sound the same, who are brothers. You think they're middle-aged? I would call them middle-aged pretty generously. I think they're late in their life. I think that's a hostile interpretation. They're going to live to be 100, do you think?

I think they're going to live to be well over 100. They take no risks, and I think that's in their favor. That's important. Closer to death. And so they talk about comic books, and they're examining all the first issues of the Marvel comics right now. Oh, Millie the Model? Millie the Model, Ant-Man, a lot of weird firsts. Okay, interesting. So if you're into that kind of thing.

That's all. All right. And Joey Salsa, what do you have to say? Yeah, obviously my musical, it's available because I'm not sure if either of you were takers. No, we're not. Jason, you're not going to produce, right?

Let me think. I'm going to think about it. All right. Okay. Yeah. Well, he's an interesting guy. You've got some interesting people here today. I'm sure. Yeah. Getting fast. Getting fast. But Jason is out of show business. Yes. That's so am I. We'll make it work. Also on my one day today on the internet after 10 years, I did happen to stumble upon Holy Shit Improv. You didn't look up Hamilton music?

first. I just had to see what the comedy scene in L.A. was doing. And the interesting thing about this comedy scene in L.A. is you can see it from anywhere in the world. So if you're in L.A., you can watch Holy Shit Improv. Check it out on Instagram. Or if you want, anywhere you can see the shows on Patreon.com slash Holy Shit Improv. Just their last show, not mine. I take no responsibility. But just their last show, they had people like Lisa Gilroy, Carl Tartt, Jacob Wysocki, Ben Rogers, you know, friends of what I assume people have been on this podcast. You would assume that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, so check it out. Holy shit, Improv. That's it for me. All right. I want to plug, hey, the Comedy Bang Bang book is coming out in a few months. Very excited by it. You can pre-order. Go to comedybangbangworld.com slash book or cbbworld.com slash book. And it's coming out in a few months and we're going to have some special things happening when it does. And also go to CBB World and check out some shows. We got some great shows. We just had

An episode of Hey Randy just came out with Randy Snuts. And we just had the, this book changed my life or saved my life. What is it called? Changed my life. Changed my life. You don't even know the show's on your own platform. Sorry. That's pretty bad. Yeah.

That's pretty embarrassing, actually. So go to cbbworld.com and you can get all those shows, including ad-free episodes of this, as well as all the archives of the previous. Those truly are archives and don't go too far back in those. But maybe as far back as Jason's previous appearance and no further back. And go to cbbworld.com if you buy a year. If you subscribe for a year, you can get two months of that free. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Here we go. Plug back. Plug back.

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt. Oh my god, Becky, look at his butt. Oh my god, Becky, look at his butt. Oh my god, Becky, look at my butt. Little in the middle, but you got much back. Little in the middle, but you got much back. Little in the middle, but you got much back. Time to open up my back. Look back now.

Yeah. Okay. That was OMG. Wow. That's our first remix of the year by King Love Duck Electricity. So thank you for doing something with that god awful closing up the plug bag theme that we recorded this year. Really appreciate it. That one was pretty cool. And if you have them, send them over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. You can submit catchphrase submissions and remixes. We have all the stems up there.

Guys, I want to thank you so much. Jason, always great to have you and great to see you in person. Great to see you, Scott. Thanks for having me. And if you want to see what Jason looks like, you are in... I'm in the show, sadly. Paul T. Goldman. So unlike Human Giant... This one I'm in. You're in it, constantly cutting to you. You're constantly gingerly and gently giving direction. And you seem like you're a pleasure to be on set with. Thank you, Scott.

And Chibi Dips, good to see you. So great to see you. Are you going to be stuck on land here? I think I'm going to make it. And actually, you reminded me, Scott, that we have another cruise coming up for celebrities who do get canceled, comedians. Oh, okay. Wow. Okay. And they come on the cruise for one week, and then they come back, and then they go right back to work. All right.

No problem. It's just the revolving door of cancellation. It really is. So I'm just thinking about that. I'm just thinking about all the good cruises coming up. Okay. And Bill, so great to have you on the show. I had a great time. Thanks so much. And Joey Salsa, what do you say we get a little bit more of... Number four? I'm George Washington? No, let's do number three to...

Take us out. All right. So again, you have to remember that she likes the... You got in this version, she likes the sister, which is him who he's married to. Right. So we know that. Set up there and then we go like...

I want to fuck him.

I want to fucking suck and then I knew the bubble button. That's the thing I meant to never forget. I invented that. This part's where I acted out. Oh, no, no, no, no. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

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