John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy
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Reggie, what the hell is wrong with you?

Wait, what is going on? Thank you for slowing it down, Jason. Reggie, I let you talk two weeks ago, and then you're just like, you're really slacking on the job. Okay, just get out of here. Pack up your stuff. That was the slowest version I've ever heard. I asked Reggie to make it slow. You did? You wanted him to slow it down? Yeah, you know, look, I'm not as quick as I used to be. Yeah. I'm living life at about, you know how some people like to listen to podcasts at three-quarter speed, half speed, or whatever? Yeah.

Well, no, they like to listen to them quicker. Oh, well, what's the fun in that? No, they want to spend less time listening to us. Oh, when you're listening to a political podcast full of three political insiders. You really want to let it sink in at three-quarter speed? It makes a lot more sense when you hear them as though they are drunk. Look, I have to say the catchphrase. Hold on. Yeah, I haven't introduced you yet. Shut the fuck up. If you don't mind, Scott, just slow it down. Slow it down. Okay, I'll try to do this as slowly as possible.

One if by land. Two if by sea. Paul Revere's small penis could barely even pee. I can't do it that slow. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Simonson. Simonson for that wonderful catchphrase submission and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have a singer. We also have a

someone who spends a lot of time in one of the four elements. We've heard of the fifth element where the fifth element was love, but this is one of the four accepted elements. Earth, wind, fire, and cool in the gang. Yes.

But before we get to them, let's get to him. You've heard his dulcet tones and his non-dulcet tones in combination. I've been slowing it down for over a decade. That's right. On the Judge Sean Hoffman podcast. Judge Sean Hoffman. He's an old friend of the show that he's making his, I want to say, eh.

18th appearance on this show. Somewhere in that realm. Somewhere in there. Probably more like five. Who's counting? A lot of people would count this kind of thing. They should send me letters. Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. Let me know. Let me know everything I did wrong this time. He is, some have described him as the living embodiment of the Monopoly Man. Yeah.

I prefer the Julius Pringles, but that's fine. But whoever it is, he is wearing a monocle. I am not. You are not. Yes, you have the double monocle action going on right now. I have, yeah. It's a strange, it's one of those Mandela effect things. Yes. Everyone thinks I'm wearing a monocle. I'm wearing regular eyeglasses. Just regular eyeglasses. And frankly, the comparison between me and Nelson Mandela, a freedom fighter who lived in

was imprisoned for a long, long time. That's not appropriate. You were about to say lived in captivity. What's the difference? I was going to say lived in prison and I was not going to say lived in captivity. Okay. So living in prison. Please don't pretend that you understand my thoughts. Living in prison, though, you corrected yourself to say imprisoned. Yes. I don't think that anyone who is in prison would say, I'm living in prison right now. Oh, I got a nice room in prison. Okay.

I was going to say inaccurately, three cots and a hot. Ah, yes. No, boy, wouldn't that be the best prison stay? To have three beds to yourself? You only get to eat once. Still, it's all you can eat. And we do know it's temperature. It's hot. It's very, very. Well, no, the cots are hot. Is it all you can eat?

Yeah, it could be all you can eat. Yeah. And a buffet bar as well. Oh, that's how they do it at intermittent fasting state penitentiary. Yeah. Could you survive? And I'll introduce you in a second. That's fine. Could you survive on one meal a day if it were at Hometown Buffet every single day? One meal a day at Hometown Buffet. I'm Sean Hoffman with... For Hometown Buffet. You can live on one meal a day at Hometown Buffet. I would imagine you would get tired of getting one of everything after...

I've never been to Hometown Buffet. Okay, imagine... Tell me what it's all about. Imagine any buffet in the world. Go. There's nothing special about Hometown Buffet. Close hands solo, I can imagine a lot. But it has fried chicken. It's got everything. Pizza. It's got... What we call American comfort food favorites. Exactly, yes. But salads and soups. Do they have a sushi area? I doubt they have a sushi area, although that...

Would that change things for you? Yeah, that would probably change. It would depend on the quality of the sushi. It would depend on if you're in a state that is next to the water. Can they get fresh fish? I'll tell you what. I have been on a cruise. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Sean Hoffman is here. No, John Hodgman is here. A guy who's been on a cruise. Look, I mean, I've been on a cruise and they have at the Windjammer Cafe atop the boat.

where you have every station you can imagine, a sushi station, a pancake station. I could live on one meal a day there. One station just for pancakes? It's kind of like, come on, guys, that's not an optimal use of space. You know what I mean? There is a waffle iron available if needed. But does he have to, like, go, does he roll his eyes? Does he have to, like, search through things to get it? You know what I mean? It's like... Yeah, it's in a cardboard box under the counter. Oh, okay. Clang, clang, clang. Ha ha ha!

What is the difference between a waffle and a waffle? Okay. Consistency. For sure. And I mean, consistency of like just how good they are. The first one is always bad. And thereafter, it's pretty good. No, but their waffles are a little bit crispier because they're almost like the panini of breakfast foods.

I think you are missing one major distinction. What's that? A waffle has holes in it. Oh, not holes. A waffle pattern. Not complete holes. You can put holes in a pancake, and sometimes you do when you're trying to make a little smiley face with them. Although a lot of people, I mean, to be quite honest, do the smiley face with cream and berries. That's right. It's rooty-tooty, fresh and fruity. Exactly. Yeah, but no, a waffle is a...

is a taller item and it has divots in it. Let's say that. Divots? Canyons. But would it be just as tall as a pancake if one were to flatten it?

I think you... We have to agree it would be just as flat as a pancake. If you were to flatten it. That's true. You could... If you used a panini press to flatten a waffle... It would be exactly as flat as a pancake. Would it not? You could achieve it if you had calipers. Yes. So it's really not too different. Why are they always at odds with each other then? Do you think that there's a big fight? Are you a waffle person or a pancake person? If I had to choose...

God, I've never had this put it to me. I guess anytime I went to a breakfast place and looked at a menu, I guess I have had to choose. It's true. It's come up before. So imagine you're there on the Windjammer Cafe. Are you sponsored by the Windjammer Cafe? Hi, I'm Sean Hoffman for the Windjammer Cafe. Stop talking about the Windjammer Cafe. No one cares about the Windjammer Cafe. All right. I do. I like it. I'd live there.

Okay. So if you're there and the guy was there and he's like, okay, sir, would you like a waffle or a pancake? And now it's your time to choose. 100 Americans are standing behind you waiting to get as much food as possible. Are there only 100 people on these cruises? No, but just at that station. Oh, just there's 100 people at a pancake station. These are not comfortable cruises. Easily. Ah.

I guess I'd go waffle. I'd go waffle a million percent. A little crispier, right? It's just, first of all, it's European. Very continental. Ooh la la. Ooh la la, indeed. And you know I'm a fancy man. Sure, of course. You are like, if an article in the New Yorker were to start to talk incessantly. That's true. That's you. I am the Eustace Tilly himself. Yeah.

This is why people think I wear a monocle, because while I have eyeglasses on, I will often, if a butterfly is flying by, I will take out a monocle to look at that butterfly specifically. And you'll tap it with your cane. I'll tap it with my cane and I'll tip my very tall top hat to it.

And I'm a waffle. I'm not. Look at me. I'm not a lumberjack. No, you don't need flapjacks. I'm not going to eat flapjacks or flannel cakes or Johnny cakes or whatever you want to call them. What about griddle cakes? No. Wheat cakes? No. I want something that's been made in a specialized machine. That's right. And that is the difference because a pancake. Isn't it? We finally got there. You can put bacon in there. You can put eggs. You can do whatever the fuck you want in that pan. Have you ever had a macaroni and cheese pancake? That's good.

That's a good question. The pride of Shopsons Restaurant in New York City. Shopsons, really? Where is that? Let's give them a shout out. In Essex Street Market. Essex Street Market. On the corner of Essex and Delancey. You don't say. And they make a, they make a, it's, it's. It was invented by Kenny Shopson, the foul-mouthed owner of the place. I don't know if. And then he, and then it has been passed on to his son, Zach, and his daughters, Melinda and Tamara. Are they equally foul-mouthed?

um they're not averse to a swear okay i don't know if you can one time i said a swear in front of uh melinda's uh daughter who's about nine and i said i'm sorry about that and she said what the fuck i'm a shopson i was like okay wow i swore on your podcast is that allowed yeah that's allowed okay good just leave it there though i don't want any more no no no i understand so what are some of the famous places in new york that have shut down

Some of the famous places. Like some of the iconic places that you go like, I can't believe that's never shut down, but it just fell into disrepair and it never like. Well, the Ziegfeld Theater. That's right, the Follies. The famous movie theater. Yeah. A grand old movie palace that had something along the lines of 50,000 seats in it. And then they're like, no one wants to see these movies. 50,000 seats? So it was a large theater. Okay.

Too large for a single screen. That seems like that's about the size of Shea Stadium, is that? That's another reason why they had to shut it down. Is Shea Stadium still around? I suppose so. I think it's called Citi Field now. Did they ever recover from the Beatles...

uh, playing there. Uh, did they ever recover that wonderful concert? It's funny. Cause I don't remember. Did the Beatles trash it? I think they put, here's what's funny about the Beatles playing Shea stadium. Right. I think they literally played 20 minutes. Right. It was like so short. Um,

And everyone's screaming and they play 20 minutes ago. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Uncanny imitation. People paid for this. People. You know why? People love the Beatles. People love the Beatles. People love being outside. They absolutely do. And they love parking outside of stadium. Wouldn't it have been great, though, if the umpires from a game were there, like sort of like.

like telling the Beatles, no, wrong court. That would be terrific. One of my favorite moments. If an umpire got right up in Ringo Starr's face. Yeah.

And told him to get out of the game. Get out of here. And we just had the Super Bowl yesterday. One of my favorite moments from the Super Bowl. Is that true? I missed it, I guess. Well, we're taking this in advance of the Super Bowl. Okay, good. But when people are hearing this. But what was one of your favorite moments of the Super Bowl? No, of years past. Oh, okay. Was when Bruce Springsteen played. Yeah. And he did a big slide while he was playing guitar and a ref came out and threw a flag like he had done a penalty. Yeah.

Is that a true story? You know, I've never seen a single Super Bowl. It is true. He hired a guy to play a ref to throw a flag on him like, yeah, that's illegal. An illegal slide. I loved it. If I were one of the real refs, I would be mad. I'd be upset. It's like, hey, I'm available. I would file a complaint with the ref union. Oh, really? You think that that should not be allowed? You know what? I would call foul on that one. Okay. Yeah, you know what I mean? Call foul. I've seen a sports. That's ref talk. Yeah, that's definitely ref talk. That's ref talk.

Judge Sean Hoffman. I've been inside the green monster.

What does that mean? Is that the Statue of Liberty? I was eaten by a large monster. Oh, you were. Oh, okay. Good to know. Sports fans will understand what I'm talking about. Boston sports fans. Oh, that's right. Thank you for referencing the Old North Church in your opening. The one if by land, two if by sea, Paul Revere's Midnight Ride. Is that from Philadelphia? Is it all that stuff in Philadelphia? No, it's from Boston. That's why I was talking about it.

Yes. Oh, you were talking about Boston. I zoned out. I am from Brookline, Massachusetts. That's right. That's right. I've read your books. Thank you very much. You currently reside in one of those states where you have a kayak. Yes.

This is what I remember from your book. You have a kayak. Are you talking about my book Vacationland? Yes. You have a boat of some sort. Is it a kayak? We have a rowboat. A double-ended rowboat. You walked in and you did not expect to buy this boat and then you bought the boat. Yeah, you can read all about it in my book Vacationland. This is essentially what I remember from your book. Isn't it sad that we forget things? Like, I love that book.

And I've forgotten every part of it. Well, the beauty of it is that I'm sure you still own multiple copies, so you can always revisit those stories. I actually do own two copies. Oh, good. I believe you sent me two and two different trim sizes. It was very confusing. I don't know what you prefer.

- People are very particular. It's an intimate experience. - That's true. - But let's not talk about my book. - Let's not talk about your book because you have a TV show coming out. - TV show coming out soon. And it's not I who have the TV show. I'm just a, I'm a- - You're a participant in this TV show. - I'm but a bit player treading the boards of another wonderful couple's creation. - Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. - To be or not to be.

On Hulu? The answer is yes. The answer is to be. Because this show is coming out soon. It's called... Up Here. Now, a lot of people would stop it up and go like, I love that movie. Right. TV version of it. Right. It's going to be very sad for the first 20 minutes. Right. But I'm in. Nope. But then you add a word called here. Well, I didn't. It was created by Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez, the songwriting duo Responsible.

for Let It Go. Now that was sung, if I am correct, by the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.

Was it not? That's quite correct. That's quite correct. I can't say it without smiling. I love it probably more than the ref pulling the foul on Bruce Springsteen during the halftime. A terrific moment in Super Bowl history. And they created this musical romantic comedy called Up Here starring Mae Whitman.

I'm Carlos Valdez, and I get to play someone's dad. And I sing a little song in it. I sing one lyric. You sing? Oh, really? Yeah. Was that tough for you to do? Note the spatter of blood at the base of the stairs. And that's it. Is it a murder mystery? Tune in and find out. No, thanks. March 24th, up here on Hulu. March 24th. Hulu is known as the home of Dicktown, my cartoon series that I made with David Reese. Now, the last time you were on the show...

It was you and David Reese and a couple other people. Sure. And I posted the picture along with a little ad on Instagram. And someone wrote, hey, why don't you ever have more diversity on your show? This is for white. This is for white guys. And instead, you have a comedy group called Dicktown. I'm not part of a comedy group called Dicktown. Happens to be the name of the cartoon show. Yeah.

That I feel uncomfortable saying every time I say it. Just call it Richardville. It's like aversion, immersion therapy, aversion, I don't know. Well, it depends on what you want. You can either immerse yourself in it or be totally separate from it. I have an aversion to saying Dicktown because I'm an only child rule follower. And I said, remember how I said a swear word earlier? Yeah. I didn't care for it. Do you want me to go back and edit it out? No.

No, no. I'm just trying to get better with being a grown-up human. This is the thing. No regrets. That's how I feel. No regrets. The past is the past. The past is the past. It's just a thought. It's gone now. It doesn't even exist. Even the present isn't here. That's right. I mean, it was a second ago. I know, but how do you even define it? It is the thinnest of threads that connect the past to the future. That's right. And the future, it's here now, but now it's gone. And it's also- Like me. The future beyond that is unknowable. Sorry. Someone, what was that? I said, like me.

Wait, Shimmy? It's here. Now it's gone. Shimmy, what are you doing here? Just being here for a little bit. Gotta go. Bye. You gotta go?

Hey, John, why'd you take off your headphones like you were leaving? That's just Shimmy. I wasn't taking off. I wasn't going to leave. In fact, I'm never going to leave. Okay. I wanted to make sure that they... Not like me. Oh, hey, you finally got up to a mic. I'm always going to leave. Okay. Well, you just said you were going to leave and now you're still here. I did. And then I came back. Okay. Now I'm leaving. Okay. Bye. Bye, Shimmy. Great to see you. Bye, Shimmy.

Oh, my word. Well, this is incredible. Did we get all the plugs out? I guess up here on Hulu. Is it it's just on Hulu. Like, so you wake up on March 24th and it's March 24th. All eight episodes. All eight at the same time. Available all at the same time. Wow. You know what? Get eight different TVs. You can watch them all simultaneously. Oh, like Zyrica. Set up on repeat and walk away. Press play and walk away. That's what I say. That's right. Here's what I don't like. I don't like release dates.

Okay, so March 24th, right? Right, here we are. We're going to revolutionize entertainment. Okay, so here's something that happened to me the other day. I wanted to watch Poker Face, right? That's right, yes. Poker Face. I wanted to watch Poker Face. I'm on it, you know. Oh, you are? I haven't seen your episode yet. Episode four.

Oh, hey, I've seen one through three apparently at this point. Very fine show. I'm very proud to be a part of it. But I go to Peacock where it supposedly is and I look it up and it's not on there. And oh, no, I'm early. It's a day early. It's a day before it comes out. Right. No, I want to see it that day.

You want it all. I want to see it the day I want to see it. You want to see it the day you want to see it. Not the release date. What I'm saying is get rid of release dates and just let us see the things. I think what we need to do is alert Hollywood. Yeah.

To put a censor in here. Yes. So that anytime you want something, you can just say it and that's when they release it. Now, you don't mean a censor, C-E-N-S-O-R. No, I would never censor you on your own podcast. Okay, yeah. I would hope not because this is free speech, baby. This is unfiltered. That's right. You're on Comedy Bang Bang. It's like we can't tell jokes anymore. I know.

Have you been canceled yet? I forget. You're expecting to be soon. Okay, good to know. I'm prepared for it. I have a bunker. You have a bunker. You have a little rowboat. I have many, many apologies prepared, ready to go at any moment. Your notes app is just filled right now. Your phone is entirely out of memory. Yep. I'm just waiting for the one day I'm going to wake up. I'm going to look at, uh,

And I'm going to see that it happened. 45 messages. I'm going to open the secret door that leads to the bat pole down to the cancel cave. And on the way down, I'll just go, deploy apology 39B. And then I'll go live in the dark where I belong, which honestly, it's fine. Yeah.

It's fine. Well, it's wonderful to have you. You can stick around, can't you? We have to take a break. I can stick around. I do want to mention Up Here is on Hulu, March 24th, all eight episodes. Note the spatter of blood at the base of the stairs. I want all of our listeners to applaud when they hear that lyric at home. I don't care what they do as long as they're watching. I'd love for people to take videos of them applauding when that lyric comes on and then send them to you. Maybe we'll all go viral. Yeah.

That would be, I would love to go viral one of these days. Wouldn't it be fun? Oh my God, I've never experienced it. First comes the viral, then comes the cancel, but I'm ready for both. Yeah.

That's the problem. When you go viral, suddenly people are paying attention to you. That's exactly right. This is a nice little show. No one cares what we say because no one listens. Yeah, but you know, I spent a lot of money on that cancel cave. I want to get some use out of it eventually. Okay, yeah, that's true. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, this is exciting. We have someone who spends a lot of their time in one of the four elements. One of the four elements. And we have a singer and a singer-songwriter, I would venture to say. A musical performer. Musical performer. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bambang after this. Boom.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Judge Sean Hoffman, a.k.a. John Hodgman is here. Also known as. That's what that stands for. Also known as. Really? A.k.a. stands for something? Yep, that's right. Amazing. The things you learn. Or it also stands for a kettle apart. What?

Really? It stands for a lot of things. When you think about it. Apple, Crackle candy bar that's only available at Halloween. America. Why do you think those things are only available at Halloween? I don't know the answer. It's like, hey, Crackle. Crackle. Start selling them, you know.

yeah november through doesn't only have to be fun doesn't only have to be fun size crackle i'm ready for a full-size crackle aren't you here's the thing about hi sean judge moffman they were here for they were shamed into shaming shamed into seasonality by nestle crunch but you think they're the same the same uh candy bar yeah crispy rice well it's different it's different companies they're the same candy bar but different companies can they do that nope

Yeah. Are you just talking about your favorite movie of last year? Yep. Is that the sequel to Nope? Nope. Okay, I don't know what we're talking about, Jimmy. You gotta go. Bye.

Oh, Shimmy. Great to have him lost in my house, I guess, now. He's been lost in the Earwolf Studios, which shut down, and apparently he's lost in my house. Oh, my goodness. We do have to get to our next guest, but up here is coming out. He's frogging. He's frogging. Have you heard that term? I don't know what you mean. P-H-R-O-G-G-I-N-G.

I don't know what that is. That is the term that describes when someone is living in your walls. Oh, bad Ronalding. Yes, exactly. And for some reason it is called frogging. Okay. And there is a reality show that has had at least three seasons of people talking about discovering people. Wait, this is a reality show where they do discover it or this is a reality show about other topics and someone casually mentions that they discovered this? No, it's...

All I know is it's on discovery. Okay. I'll just, I'll just flip, I'll flip it on and hope that you may not have it in your cable packages on discovery frogging.

But yeah, no, people live in people's attics and they're secretly in their walls and stuff. And it happens all the time, apparently. Yeah, I think bean dip was in my attic for a long time during the pandemic. Okay. Yeah. You say that like you know what I'm talking about. I love that. I'm trying. Well, speaking of frogs, that lives in one of those elements that we were talking about earlier. Right. The water. Oh, earth, wind, fire. Wind, fire. A frog can't live. A frog can't live in fire.

No, not much can live in fire. I guess we can eliminate that one. A frog can live in a breeze. Sure. Probably not ideal. No, I would imagine they need moisture. I would imagine that he would be sort of like, hey, or she would probably be or they.

No comment. By the way, you know, a friend of mine was singing a church hymn the other day. Shouldn't we take the gender out of those? Just call them days. You know, here's the thing, Scott. I do have a cancel cave, but I'm...

It's only room for one. I'm not eager. You don't want me coming into it? I'm not ready. Honestly, I did spend a lot of money. I was saying, but I don't want to go in there. Okay, got it. And I believe in pronouns. I believe in different pronouns. All right. That's what I'm saying. Okay, then. I'm the inclusive one. You're the one who's resisting it. Let's move on. Okay, here we go. He lives... Or they...

No, this is a he. I've moved on to introduce our next guest. Do you know that for sure, or have you asked? He is a recurring guest on this show, so I've spoken to him many times. He doesn't live or reside in the water, I believe, but he spends the majority of his time there. Water, that's the one I was looking for. Water is the one that we're talking about. H2O. Two parts of hydrogen, one part of oxygen. That's exactly right. H2O. And he loves the stuff.

Really? That's right. He is a treasure hunter. Please welcome back to the show, Brock Lovett. Hey, Scott. Thanks for having me back. Hey, my pleasure. Good to see you. Welcome. One minor correction. Sure. I love it. I love when corrections come in. Usually, I wait until the episode is released, and then I love to see the listeners write to me about everything I said wrong. I can't wait for the release date. I've got to correct you now. Okay. Yeah, please.

I don't necessarily love water. Really? But it is where I find treasure. It's true, although you have found treasure in non-water places and you've thrown it back. Yeah, because I like wet treasure, but that doesn't mean I like water. Okay, got it. Got it. So you do not like water. I'm neutral on it. You're neutral because if you like wet treasure, you prefer treasure that at least has a certain amount of surface moisture on it.

Yeah. Right. I mean, we've talked about this before, but if I found some rubies in a shallow bathtub, I'd take them. Fair game. Absolutely. Game. Yeah. That's the kind of treasure I like. Yeah. But now rubies do not retain the moisture. They don't stay wet. They don't have to stay wet. It's where I find them. So if they dry off the minute they come out of the water, you're good with it. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. What is it about the wetness of the treasure that is so appealing to you? It's harder to get to. I feel like, you know, I started out, you know, going down to the bottom of the ocean, old shipwrecks and stuff like that. Sure. And then. Why did you, the first time you ever went down to a shipwreck, did you plan on it? Was it? No, I dropped my phone in there.

So you dropped your phone where? You were on the pier or something? No, I was on a plane. Oh, and you jumped out of the plane? No, not right away. Oh. I just remembered where we were. I immediately asked for the longitude and latitude. You went to find me and you found out the- I said to the pilot, where are we right now? This is pre-911, so- Oh, was it the day before? You could walk right into the cockpit. Oh, yeah. Ask questions. Right. Make requests. Right.

So, and he told you the coordinates. Yeah. And then you, what did you do then? I charted a boat. Never been on one before. Never been even on a boat. That was the first time you'd ever been on a boat. I'd never seen a boat. Not even in picture books? I'd seen drawings of boats. Right. Like cave drawings or? No. No.

Have I ever seen a cave drawing of a boat? Normally cave drawings are just like people with bows and arrows, people. And then there's like a big thing that they're trying to kill. Right. You don't see a lot of like people lining up to go in boats, but you should, right? Noah. What do you think the line was invented?

The lion? The line. Oh, the line. The queue. Yeah, the queue. Right, yeah. A lineup, as some people say. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe someone... It had to have been someone early. It had to be either Adam, Eve, or Cain, or Abel. You think back that far? Yeah. I think it was just chaos back then. It was just anything goes, really. Yeah, everybody's walking around nude. Some might say that we were better off then, because if you ever go to a place like the Hollywood Bowl... When it was just two people? No.

No, when there were no lines. A billion animals and two people. What are lines even for? You know what I mean? Like everyone just crowd around something. We were talking about this line. I mean, he. Well, like Southwest. Yeah.

they're supposed to be aligned, but everybody just gets all up in there. It's like, come on. And then people get really mad because they go, I was here first. And you have to explain the system to them of no, no, you have an assigned number and you have to be by your number. And then, and then I've seen several fights where people have to like, they're proved they, they, they've been proven wrong and they have to deescalate themselves, but they really don't want to. Cause they're so hot. I like it. Well, look, the airport makes a beast of us all.

And I like when, let's say I'm A16, that's my position. And then somebody would be like, what number are you? And I say A16, like, oh, okay. And then they're A15, so they get right in front of me. And it's like, come on, man. We're in the same group. Yeah, because it's A11 through 15, is it not? Actually, that's not the same group. I don't know. You'd be in two different groups. I didn't memorize it. I have, and you'd be in two different groups. This is a for instance. Yes.

I thought you were going to say a Ferengi. This is a Ferengi. Loves gold pressed latinum.

I caught up on Star Trek on my submersible. Oh, you did? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your underwater sphere, what did we call it? My underwater sphere. That's right, yeah. So you have an entertainment system on there. Oh, absolutely. Well, I get trapped down there a lot. I was like, I better put a DVD player in here. Trapped by ocean creatures, trapped by humans, or trapped by... The pressure of the sea. Yeah, or trapped by a system failure. I mean, all three, not at the same time.

But I have been trapped by ocean creatures. I remember one time a bunch of squids just like hung out right over me. Uh-huh. And I didn't want to be rude, so I just waited until they left. Yeah. And it's like they were really lingering. Yeah.

What do you think? Were they interested in you or were they just squinting around? No, they weren't looking at me at all. Yeah. It's like they were just hanging out. Maybe they were predicting soccer scores. They're notorious gossips, you know, the giant squid. Oh, are they really? They love to get together. They like to talk about the smaller squids? Say what's going on in the ocean, right? Notorious. How many giant squids are there in the ocean? I would imagine. 15. 7 to 9. 15? Yeah.

Oh, really? Yeah. They're too giant. I would have guessed seven to nine. No, some of them had babies. Oh, wow. Good for them. I got to get them something. That's got to be hard when you're a giant squid. There's only 15 of you. It's like, look, we have to have sex. Have you heard what Sandra did? Ugh. We went two different routes on that. I enjoyed it.

So you charted... Well, that's because they have... That's why... That's why... Let's keep their numbers low. Right. Because they do know that they have to procreate. They do have to proc... But at the same time, they're notorious gossips and they hold grudges. Why does anyone have to procreate, though? What's that? You know what? Why does anyone have to procreate?

We like doing it. No one has to, of course. That's right. And the people who live a child-free life are actually happy. They made it so good just to ensure that. Yeah, there are a lot of biological urges, even among the giants. For humans, sure. Yeah. For a lot of animals, like cats. Oh, yeah. They have barbed penises. Or peni, don't they? Penises. Penises. Yeah. Yeah. And it hurts anytime it goes in. Is that right? I think so.

You don't have any experience with this? I don't know why. I don't. Yeah. I mean, I don't have a barbed penis, so. That I know of. I mean, nobody's ever said, hey, you got barbs on that thing. So you charter a boat. Yeah. Did you find your phone? I did. Really? It was too far gone, though. No. What model was it? Did you bring rice with you? I put it in a barrel of rice. I was like, this thing's going to be soaked. Yeah.

It can only get so wet, though. Wait, wait, wait. You charted a... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, it's your show. Go ahead. No, I want to hear what you were doing. You charted a boat. Yeah. But then you had to get down into that water. That's right. So did you tow a submersible with you or what? Well, it wasn't like in the Mariana Trench or anything like that.

But I did. Could you free dive down? Well, here's the thing. I didn't know what to do. And so when I got out there, I asked the captain of the boat, okay, now what? Right. And he said, what do you mean now what? Sure. And I said, how do I get. Was he expecting like a, I'm the captain now kind of situation? I bet everyone expects that. Probably every ship captain does. At this point, every captain is afraid that that's going to happen to them. Yeah, exactly. I do. I do now. And so like anytime anybody says anything to me, I'm like, let me guess, you're the captain now? And that throws them off and they go, oh, I mean.

It ruins it for him. Every pirate wants to say that line. It's so good, though. When I was on that cruise and living in the wind. He keeps talking about the cruise. Here's the thing. Never look at it because they always start with look at me. Don't give them the satisfaction. Is somebody talking? I thought I heard something. Drives them crazy. Then they think they're a ghost. Yeah. They go crazy. They jump overboard.

These are some real life hacks for a wet treasure hunter. All right, John, tell us about your cruise. No, no, no. It doesn't matter anymore. He keeps talking about a cruise where there was some sort of buffet that he's gone to. The Windjammer Cafe had the buffet on the top deck of this cruise ship that I was on. You're saying right. So you know every boat now. The Windjammer Cafe? Yeah. Yeah, right. Absolutely.

Well, you know all of them. Holland America? That's correct. Yeah. You know every boat? Of course I do. Wow. We have to know every boat. Right. I mean, a wet treasure hunter has to know the make and model of every boat on the sea. I guess so, yeah. Anyway, go ahead. Yeah, because you've got to wave. Oh, you have to wave. If you're in a boat and another boat is approaching, you have to wave or you're a dick. Has anyone ever been confused when you're on a boat and someone goes, oh, look, a wave.

And everyone's expecting like to be capsized and then it's just someone on another boat waving. It's a sailor waving. Yeah. But they use special flags. It's called semaphore. Semaphore. Out on the floor. That's exactly right. These are Thomas Dolby lyrics. Everybody walk the dinosaur. Thomas Dolby meets was not was.

But I lived in the Windjammer Cafe for a while. It was a promotional deal. It's not like you were living in prison. You didn't live there. No, and it was very comfortable. I had four cots. And one hot. Very few prisons have buffets. Yeah.

I think more of them should do it. They should. We were talking about before, if you could have, if you had to choose between three hots and a cot or three cots and one hot, but it was a buffet. It was a buffet. Yeah. All you can eat. And I explained, I had lived that because for promotional purposes, I lived in the buffet of a cruise ship for a while. What would you choose? That was my job. Are you allowed to take the thin mattresses from all three cots and stack them on top of each other to make a decent mattress? Yeah, but you got to put a P in there.

fine by me all right then that b doesn't bother you i'm no princess okay look at me look at me i'm not a princess but is someone talking someone talking i thought i didn't hear anyone he's a ghost and jump overboard not gonna get me like that ah damn hey brock why are you here well i got a new service oh i'm advertising because you know i i love i love wet treasure

And I think a lot of other people do too. I was going to say, when you mentioned your phone going and being really wet, I don't think anything can increase its wetness just because it's in a larger body of water. It's the length of time.

So it was thoroughly wet. Yeah, but I think once it reaches peak wetness. Which it did. It just stops right there, right? It can't get exponentially wetter and wetter and wetter and wetter if it's under there. Once it reaches a saturation. Yes. Once it reaches the peak, right. Thank you. Did I say it got wet past the peak of wetness? No, I did not.

So you're going to pick nits, but that's not why I'm here. Okay, no, I don't want to do that. I want to hear about your new service. I don't want you to want me to do it. I don't want you. Help me to not want you to do it. I don't want you to want to do it. I do need you to need me. Okay. Yeah. So tell me about the service. Okay, you've heard of Viking Funerals?

The funeral where you put a dead body on a boat, you light it on fire, you set the boat off adrift, and you hope it doesn't crash back into the... No, I'll let you do it. Never mind. I had a thing, but I'm not going to do it. Go ahead with your thing. Yeah, we like your things. Come on, man. Everybody takes a turn. It's when an older person dies on a Viking European cruise ship and they throw him overboard. That's what I was thinking, too. Uh-huh.

But what, yeah. But I don't, that's not your thing. That was just another thing. They dump bodies off of cruise ships all the time. All the time. It is strange. All the time. They do it in Disneyland too. Yeah. Someone dies at Disneyland every single day and they just toss it off the Matterhorn.

That seems a little conspicuous to me. I always thought that they dressed it up as Tinkerbell. Yeah, everyone thinks it's Tinkerbell. Sent it down the line to crash into the castle during the fireworks. They just wait until the parade. Why don't they pose him in the Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, like when you go to hell? That would be disrespectful. Today's corpses. That would be fun. And then it's like if you're Grandpa or whatever, and you're like, oh my God, Grandpa, what the hell?

He went to Mr. Toad's hell. I thought he took us here. I guess he died today, the last time I saw him. Isn't it weird that he was sitting on a bench while we were going through the big Thunder Mountain? Exactly. Mr. Toad's wild ride. That's not... I mean, yes, it was a wild ride, but it should be Mr. Toad goes to hell. Come on, man. That's like...

The ride includes going to hell. I know, but... You can't spoil the whole thing. It grabs you more. Who would go? It grabs you more is what I'm saying. Oh, Mr. Toad's a wild ride? I mean, maybe I'm interested, maybe I'm not. Mr. Toad goes to hell? This is so Christians can get on it. Oh, I see. They have plausible deniability. That's true. So when they go to confession, they're like, Father, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that it went to hell. Yeah. I thought it was just going to be a wild ride and an old jalopy with an anthropomorphic toad.

Like in the Bible. You think that toad was anthropomorphic? What's that? You think that toad was anthropomorphic? Well, he wore a waistcoat. That's true. Yeah. Anytime you're wearing clothes. Sorry, buddy. You're anthropomorphic. Wait, I'm wearing clothes. Can you milk me? If you're wearing clothes, but you're an animal, you might be anthropomorphic. All right. Tell us about your service. We've heard of Viking funerals. Did I get it right? Good. Did I get it right? Yes, you did. Although I think...

traditionally you will shoot a flaming arrow at the boat. You won't like, that's right. You don't start on fire at your dock, push it out and try to push. Okay. So you have to have a good marksman in order to do one. Exactly. Vikings loved target practice. Yeah. They loved it. They loved it. So I had this idea that,

For people who, you know, they say you can't take it with you. And that's true. When you die. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Well, I am because I'm a treasure hunter. And guess what? It's all over the place. No, but what I think is that whatever your bank account is, when you die, it gets translated into heaven bucks. Yeah. Yeah.

And so you want to have a lot of money when you die. And all these people are like, you can't take it with you. Just spend it. No, you want to have as much. And they take the current market value of whatever property you have. Right. And they translate it all into heaven bucks. Do they look it up online? See what your net worth is? Zillow.

When they put those coins in your eyes before you sail over the River Styx, you go, could we stop at the Bureau de Change, please? See, this is the perfect kind of joke that I think you would tell. You can't count those coins on your eyes, by the way. Yeah, that's... No, no, no, no. You have to surrender those. They reuse those. But anyway, yes. They're like headphones on an airplane. A lot of people would say you cannot take it with you. Right, and I'm one of them. Okay. So why not make something special for someone else

Get put into a tube with all of your earthly treasures. Sure. Right? That will fit in a tube. Not pyramid style. No. You know? Right. Then you get shot into the ocean. Tubular treasures. When you said pyramid style, I thought you meant by... Menin. I thought you meant the $100,000 pyramid. I was trying to figure that out. What if I said no? Sorry. I...

I interrupted you in that. Things that a man says who doesn't want you to go. You don't have to apologize for interruptions on this show. I've been here so many times. You're used to it. I've gotten out one thought. You only come with one thought though. So that's, it usually works. But every time.

So, okay. Okay. So it's a special biodegradable tube. The water eats away at it. And then your treasures are there on the bottom of the sea for treasure hunters to obtain. Now, I, here's the thing that you think this is going to benefit me. No, I'm not going for this treasure. You, I sign a solemn oath that says I will not get that treasure.

Okay. I will leave it for other treasure hunters to find. Why would you do something like this? To instill a spirit of whimsy in the world. Okay. And also because caskets are expensive. That's true. Although, are you saying this would be cheaper than a casket? Way cheaper than a casket. You're seeding the ocean bed with treasure for others to find. Yeah. The treasures. You're keeping the love of your profession alive. Exactly.

The tube is made- Like a Johnny Corpstude seed of the seas. Corpstude seed? Corpstube seed of the seas. Right. Right, is what I meant. If you like. I do. And you're saying these tubes will degrade biologically? They're made of like a hardened cotton candy. Once they hit water, that's it. Hardened cotton candy, this sounds pretty good. I know, I know. It's serious.

So you got all your jewels, you got all your gold pocket watches, all that kind of stuff. All of your gold pocket watches. Tiaras. Yeah. Sure. Whatever will fit in the tube with your body. Yeah, that's right. And your body's in there as well. My body? One's body. Yeah. Right. Okay. No, I'm not going in one of those tubes. You're not going this way? Are you afraid of tubes? I'm afraid of tubes while I'm alive. Yeah.

But once I'm dead, yeah, put me in one of those tubes. Isn't your big underwater ocean sphere basically just a tube? It's not quite the shape of a tube. Oh, okay. So it's more like a gnocchi than a penne? I guess. It's a sphere. Most like a meatball. Oh, it's like a meatball. Yeah, that's right. Okay. That's fun. And I made it look like a meatball on the outside. Oh, you did? You paint it red?

And we're at some texture. That's self-defense. And then on the top, there's like, it looks like there's cheese out there. You think it's self-defense because fish don't want to eat meatballs if you throw them? Squids don't specifically. Giant squids. And they're the largest predators of the deep sea. Most undersea life will not eat a meatball. Really? Like an Italian meatball. They just go, ugh, not for me. Swedish? Yeah.

No. Ikea meatballs? Well, they know that there's breadcrumbs in there, so it's not really keto. Oh, okay. Got it. Got it. So you, these are going to be cheaper than caskets. Cheaper than caskets. And you swear you're not going to. I swear. This is because I'm making money from the service. Okay, but this doesn't seem like you, Brock. You've never seemed to me like a guy who cares about making dry money.

Are you going to make them? Yeah, making dry money when there's wet treasure out there. Yeah. Okay. I have to do this. What? Yeah. I'm running out of money. I haven't found any treasure in months. No. How many months? Six. I was going to guess seven to nine. Oh, my gosh. Six months ago, you found some treasure. So we're talking. Yeah, just a dumb old doubloon.

Oh, no. One lousy doubloon. One doubloon. Yeah. In August of 2022. Yeah. It's almost a... One doubloon is like a singloon. That's true. It's like a loony... Man, you got me there. It's like a toonie is two loonies, right? That's exactly right. Mashed together. A double loon. But one is just...

So you only found one doubloon. How much were you able to sell it for? Good question. $25. No, Brock. Has everyone just found all the wet treasure? I mean, it's partly that like the seeds are overhunted.

but for treasure and it's also partly ships aren't wrecking as much as they used to i know and the ships that do wreck they just have oil and shit on there they don't have a bunch of treasure right yeah we need we need some of these uh princess cruise lines to capsize yeah you know i want them to run aground i want them to hit icebergs i want them to get torpedoed but anything that gets them there

This is an appeal to people that go on cruise ships. Bring all your valuables. They have safes? Yeah, exactly. They do have safes. They go on longer journeys. Why aren't you going halfway around the world? People are just going to Mexico or whatever. And also choose older ships that have been badly maintained. Yeah. Reuse, recycle. Exactly. Go down with the ship.

Go down. Everybody should go down with the ship. Not just the captain. No, if suddenly your ship is sinking, go to the captain and say, hey, guess what? Look at me. I'm the captain now. We're all the captain now. We're all going down with the ship. I think any time that a ship is definitely going to sink...

The captain should make an announcement saying it's happening, everybody. And then the entire passenger manifest as one says, look at me, look at me. I'm the captain now. And then the captain doesn't have to drown. Wait, so wait, the captain gets to leave the captain anymore. That's all those people are. He can take one of those many, many lifeboats. Yeah. Yeah.

I like, I mean, I like this idea to put more treasure into circulation. I just feel bad for you that, that you, you've, it's come to this. I mean, I still get to participate in the treasure game. So I feel good about that. Are you getting older? Is this the guy? No, I'm staying the same. Oh, really? How'd that happen? Did you find something in a treasure once? Maybe. Like a genie lamp or something? I don't know what happened, but I've stayed the same for like five years now.

I got to talk to you about this someday that you're on the show. My doctor is pissed. Why would he be pissed? He's got nothing to do. He can't lecture me. You can still get sick, I would imagine. Nope. What? No. You've not gotten sick for five years? No. How do you know you're not aging? Are you sure you're not aging? My doctor tells me you're not aging. And then he says, start aging again. And I'm like, no. No.

Well, certain sea creatures do not age. I'm thinking specifically of the lobster. That's right. They don't age? What does that even mean? They'll just live forever. They will. Unless you eat them. Yep. That's why we have to eat them. We shouldn't feel bad. They also keep on growing. They get bigger and bigger and bigger. Yeah. They'll live forever, those lobsters. We shouldn't feel bad about eating lobsters because they want to be out of their misery. Because they could be thousands of years old. And also they're assholes. Yeah. The assholes of the sea. Would you agree with that, Brock? Yeah. Yeah.

Who's what's the biggest ask any mermaid you happen to see? What's the biggest asshole lobster? All right. We have to take a break, Brock. I don't care. Do you care? Judge Sean Hoffman, if we take a break, look at me. Someone talking. You look damn it. You're right. I'm the host now. Hey, we have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to meet. Pardon me. You can't do this. I'm the captain. Look at me. I'm the captain now. All right. When we come back, we're going to have more John Hodgman. We're going to have more Brock. Are you all right? Maybe we won't. More Brock Lovin. We're going to be talking to a singer. We'll be right back with more comedy.

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Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have John Hodgman. Many people would know from those, hey, I'm a Mac, I'm a PC. Which one were you again? I was the PC. Why? Why?

That's what they told me to be. They told you? I didn't get to choose. Who, the government? You know, we hear about freedom of speech and the First Amendment and stuff, but the government is out there telling you you have to be a PC? What podcast am I on? This is un-PC. Yeah. I don't care for it. Yeah. Yeah. We also have Brock Lovett here, who is...

Wet treasure hunter, or I guess former wet treasure hunter. No, come on, man. You're still going to hunt for treasure? Once in future wet treasure hunter. You're still going to hunt for wet treasure? Yeah. But you made a promise not to hunt any of the wet treasure you're playing. That treasure, I keep a list. Yeah, but you already said that the reason you're doing this is there's not enough wet treasure to find. I think it will inspire other people to die and drop stuff in the ocean. To die, to drown in a watery grave with all of their pearls and shit. You know that old woman that... Lives in the shoe? Yeah.

No, no, different one. I think her name was Rose, right? And she... Okay, I hate bringing this up because this is a sore... But you bring it up every time. This is a sore point for you, but... It's a sore point. But she... Technically, you hate that she threw the... What was it? The Cordula Mare? The Cordula Mare. The heart of the ocean.

You hate that she threw it in the ocean. But isn't that what you want her to do? You're not even going to ask me if I'm ready to go back to Titanic before you bring this up? Are you ready to go back to Titanic? Yeah. Okay, good. But you know what I mean? Like, you wanted her to hand it over to you dry. She didn't tell me where she did it was the problem. Oh. Mm-hmm.

I would have been fine if she said, hey, what do you want? Do you want this or do you want me to throw it overboard? You would have said throw it overboard. Yeah, I want it wet. Right. I want it wet. I want it wet as can be. I want it to get to peak wetness and no further because that's impossible. Wait, if you had to choose, you would choose everything to be at peak wetness? What? Never mind. All right. I'm trying to adhere to your rules. It's not a personal preference. You don't care how wet it is. Every time. Listen, man.

Anytime I try to do a callback with you, you act like it's my new thought. Well. And it's not. It inspires a new thought, does it not? You're playing mind games with me and I don't appreciate it. I'm not playing mind games with you. Yeah, you are. I'm trying to have a fucking conversation with you. Oh, I know what you do. Shut the fuck up. All right.

All right. Landlubber. What? You heard me. Landlubber? How dare you? I thought you said Latin lover, by the way, first. You Latin lover. I was a little complimented. I was like, hey, Brock and I are going to do an understanding. All right. We need to get to our next guest. He's a singer, sometimes songwriter. Please welcome to the show Elvis Presley. Oh, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Oh, darling. Hey, little mama. Oh, baby darling. Oh, Scotty Scooter. Oh, what's up? I'm a little baby darling. Oh, baby. Hey. Oh, you're not done. Oh, okay. Are you done now? Thank you. Thank you, little baby mama. Oh, little baby darling. Oh, bubba bubba. Okay. Hey, Elvis. I heard hubba bubba. Oh, hey, little baby darling. Oh, mama, mama. Hubba bubba like the chewing gum? The chewing gum. Oh. The American chewing gum. The American chewing gum. The American chewing gum. Yes, little darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, darling

Hey, Elvis. Great to meet you. I'm a little confused about your personal history because as far as I remembered, you were, I thought you had passed away in the 70s. Oh, Scott, don't be a hubba-bubba fool, little baby mama. You really believed that, didn't you? I was only 42 years old. 42-year-olds don't die, little baby baby. 42-year-olds don't die? Oh, this is good to know. For your celebrity, you don't die that young, do you, baby papa? I don't know.

I guess not. So you didn't die on the toilet. I had heard it was on a toilet. It was on Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet. What? Wow. You know, I've heard of Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet, but I always thought that it was a myth. No, it's real. So it's only the A-list. I really don't know what this is. You've never heard of Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet? Is this a thing I need to look up? Oh, it's...

Honestly, I can't believe you're actually Googling it right now, Scott. Let me explain it to you a little. It's not on Google, Scott. I mean, it's... Can I Bing it? No, it's so... I mean, it's such a... It's such a myth and a legend. I didn't... No one even puts it on Google. Google rejects it. Okay, all right. Just takes down all the...

Tell me about what is Dr. Skeleton's celebrity title? It doesn't surprise me, little baby dong dong, that you wouldn't know what it is, little mama, because it's only for A-list celebrities, okay? Oh, I see. I'm a B-list celebrity. Oh, you're something like that. So, what it is, little darling, is that Dr. Skeleton comes to your home if you're A-list only, and he installs a Dr. Skeleton celebrity title. Now,

It goes in an upstairs bathroom with secret private quarters. And if you ever get too tired of your famous life or your wife wants all your money or you want to do drugs in private, you can flush yourself down to Mazatlan. So it's like it's a transportation device. Yes, little mama. Did you say to Mazatlan in Mexico?

That's the one, baby. Sometimes I call it Mazatland by accident. I put a D on the end of that. So you've been living in Mazatland for... That's right. Little mama, 45 years. Dr. Skelton, a celebrity toilet. Down flush goes to Mazatland, up flush goes to Ohio. And if you've got the buttons on the back, the two one for poo goes to Prague and the other one goes to Paris.

Wow, this is incredible. I've never heard about this. Of course you haven't, Scott, because you're not A-list. God, I want to get there someday, though. Say what letter you think you are. I'm B. I'm definitely B. Come on, little baby. For podcasts? For podcasts. What's a podcast, little baby? Well, yeah, I think, man, if you would stay alive and here, you know, in the popular culture, you would have a podcast now. I know you would. Oh, of course I would. Every celebrity is having a podcast now. Look at me.

I'm the captain. Here we go. He tricked me. It's the rule of podcasting and the sea. Now, welcome. You listen to Hubba Bubba one Oh two, no nine. This is the Kingsville. I'm such a big fan. Uh, I don't know if you know this, but there was a big movie, uh, that came out about you, uh, a little while ago. And it's, it's not, uh, one of the dudes from it who played you is nominated for an Oscar. Yeah. I heard he used to be a butler. Oh,

What an upgrade. The butler did it. Oh, what a promotion. No, that's just his last name. Although I would imagine- A lot of last names are based on family traits. One of his great grandfathers was a butler. Oh, family of baby bubble butlers, huh? Yeah. One of my ancestors was a literal Hoffman. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow, interesting. Yeah.

Well, tell me about that butler baby boy, huh? Did he look like me? You probably notice I look a little bit different now, huh? Yeah, no, you, well, I mean, you're older, definitely. You've had sort of the Madonna done on your face. I've had a lot done on my face, yeah. Dr. Skeleton doing all sorts of face swaps and stuff like that. Dr. Skeleton invented the toilet and is a plastic surgeon?

Yes, little baby mama. You know, when you get all shot out into Mazatlan or Ohio or Prague or Paris, wherever you choose to go, celebrity center, there's other celebrities there. And, you know, as soon as I got there, I thought, oh, finally, some P's and Q's. Peace and quiet, little baby mama. But when I go to the market... Wait, you think P's and Q's stands for peace and quiet? Quiet. P's and Q's. Peace and quiet. What's it mean when you dot your I's and cross your T's? I think that's another way to describe a Viking funeral. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, little mama. He's good. Listen, now when I go to Mazatlan, sometimes I want to go to the market, right? Am I wrong? Am I right? I really have no idea. If I were Elvis Presley, I would have all my food delivered. Picture me, you're Elvis Presley of Mazatlan, and you want to go get a seashell from our market. A seashell? A seashell from our market. And so you go out there, and suddenly, hmm, there's a problem. Guess what? People still here recognize me, huh?

So then that's where Dr. Skeleton comes in. He says, oh, well, you want to do a different face, do a face swap, face off? He can do a face swap? Like a face off? Like a Cage Travolta kind of thing. Wow, a face slash off. But Cage and Travolta haven't arrived in Moseley yet. Oh, no, they're still with us. Yes. That would be fun to get the face off surgery with Travolta, though. So he would look like Elvis. You would look like Travolta. No, no, no. And you could say stuff like the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem. Ha ha ha.

And people would love it. Well, I don't remember that happening because I already died. I mean, what we call die in Mazerlan is, it just stands for definitely I exist. Yeah.

I didn't die. I died. You died, but definitely you existed. Yes. So I did have a bit of a face transplant, but you can only choose from the small pool of young celebrities that were shot down. Dr. Skeleton celebrity. I see. And they have to be celebrities. So who are you exactly? I swapped with Brittany Murphy. Oh. Wow. So she got my face and I've got her little baby mama. But you know, still problems for me because when I go out, people go, oh, there's Brittany Murphy with the new black haircut. Yes.

That's true. You didn't swap the hair. You still have the pompadour. I still have the pompadour. Buying all that peanut butter and fried banana. Mmm, little baby mama. Oh, the peanut butter in Mazatlan is fresh, baby mama. Is it really? Oh, really? They have good peanut butter there? Well, they make it there, yeah. They make it everywhere. That's why I chose Mazatlan over Ohio or Prague. Oh, because there's a big peanut butter factory down there? Oh, the peanut butter boom on 92 is baby boobalicious, Bubba Hummington. Okay. Interesting. Wow. Do you still sing, Jeremy Piven?

Well, I sing. I mean, now I'm not really, I'm actually here back just for a short amount of time to sing. Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, you're here to sing. Really? Yeah, I'll do a little bit of singing. I'm running out of funds, so I do need. Oh, yeah, just like Brock over here. Preach. Yeah. Yeah. Where would you even make money? I mean, I guess. Well, I went with all of my money, kind of down the tube sort of thing. Oh, wow. Wait, what? Yeah.

Dr. Skeleton's patented toilet that shoots you under the ocean for five days and spits you out mazalan. You stole the prototype, I'm guessing, because your idea was pretty similar. Is that true, Brock Lovett? You stole this idea? All right, yes. Oh, no. I stole the prototype of Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet. Why would you do such a thing, Brock? Because I need money. So you stole it? Yeah. Who are you, a Jean Valjean? Yeah, are you going to chase me through the sewer, you prick? Maybe with all my rubies.

Is that what you want? Speaking of singing, you know who I love? What's that? That Russell Crowe. Oh. What a voice. Amazing. When you're Russell Crowe. You're Russell Crowe all the way. From your first thrown telephone to your last dying day. But if you're Russell Crowe and they call up and they say, hey, look, we know your offer only. Right. We're offering you Les Miserables and you have to sing. Don't you say like, look, man, I can't do this. Right.

Not if you already have a band called 40-odd Foot of Grunt. That's true. But isn't he the singer, really? The Crow Man actually has a celebrity toilet and he had it in place so that if Lemmys came out and it wasn't good, he was going to flush it. Oh, Brandon Lee, you mean? The Crow Man? You mean Ray Bolger? All the Crow Men's got him.

Crow men get a 50% off celebrity toilet. Really? If you're a crow man? So Adam Duritz, when he passes away, he'll get 50% off? You got it. Amazing. I heard someone say that earlier. Who? So Elvis, this is, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your granddaughter is no longer with us. Or did she go with you? Oh, she's in Mazatlan. She's in Mazatlan. Good news.

What a wonderful reunion for you. Good news for once. And don't you mean my daughter, little baby? No, she's your grandda- No, oh yeah, she is your daughter. Okay, somebody's hubba bubba stupid, little baby. Look, it gets confusing, because Priscilla, I don't know. Oh, what are you going to say about my teenage wife, huh? What are you going to say? Say it! She's no longer teenage. I hate to tell you. What? Oh, disgusto. Disgusto. Disgusto.

By the way, by the way, of all of your movies, all your musical movies, Disgusto was my favorite. Yeah. I love that one. Beach Blanket Bingo was, that was a Frankie Avalon. That was a Frankie Avalon. Look, part of my language, I'm just pissed and ticked at Priscilla because she said she was going to flush and down the toilet after me and she never came like a prank. She never came. She wanted to do Naked Gun. And my room in Muzzleland has bunk beds for no reason. Oh, so you have two cots. How many hots?

I get unlimited hots. You get unlimited hots. It's a celebrity center after all. Scorching hot. Unlimited. Oh, man. Is it the celebrity center, the Scientology one? I don't know. Maybe affiliated. Haven't really asked. But I'm clear, by the way. Oh, you are clear. Okay. Congratulations. We all want to get there. I think I could move from B to A if I suddenly got clear. I don't think that's possible for you, baby loser. Baby loser, baby loser.

This is incredible, Elvis. I mean, I'm such a big fan. You know who's not, Chuck D. Oh, that's right. Did you hear that song? You've been gone so long. No, what's the song? Sing it for me. Are you calling it Chiliwack? Did you hear that song? You've been gone so long. Did he spit a hate track on me? Sing it for me. Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me. Straight out racist.

That sucker was simple and plain. Motherfuck him and John Wayne. John Wayne. Okay, that makes sense because never much shit to me. He's doing a nod to Dr. Skeleton's celebrity. Oh, okay. Oh, this is like a Paul is dead kind of thing. It is a clue, yes. It's a clue. It's a clue, baby mama John Wayne. So he loves you. That is an homage to me. A homage. Yes, the French would say. Wow, okay. This is so great. I mean, I'm such a big fan. It's so great.

It's so great. So great. I'm such a big fan from Hound Dog to the other songs you've done. Oh, cool. Beach Plank and Bingo. Yeah. All your movies, your television appearances. Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink. Yeah. My sparkly pants, my wobbly legs, all of them, huh? That's true.

That time you were on Frank Sinatra's show and he sang Hound Dog and you sang Love Me Tender or whatever song he sang. Yeah, he sang one of my songs. I sang one of my songs. Tender Track. It was funny. Yeah, and old Blue Eyes is with us too on the beach. Oh, we rent the boogie boards from the beach shack all the time. You and Frankie? Oh, yeah. Frankie S. Renting boogie boards. How old is he now?

Well, Dr. Skeleton put a spell on all of us so we don't really get it. Oh, okay, okay. And by spell, I mean it's purely medical. There's nothing magic about it. So why do some of these celebrities go when they're old? Because I'm assuming the spell stops you in your tracks. It doesn't de-age you, does it?

I don't know the details of it. Until you put a younger celebrity's face on you. Yeah, that's true. Although I would go when I'm like 20 because I'd love to have that 20-year-old. Well, that's why I went when I was 42 so I could kind of get frozen in time. Some people, they die in transport. Oh, no. And it's actually really sad. It clogs up the system, too. Oh, really? Die in the tube? Oh, it takes forever to get out. When you die in the tube, you stay in the tube? Oh, you're dead. You're really dead. You're not just dying. When you die in the tube, you die in real life. That's exactly what Dr. Skeleton says. You read his briefcase.

Wow. It's a golden boss photo on his leather briefcase. You die in the tube. You die in real life. Who is this Dr. Skeleton? Dr. Skeleton is a guy who wears little blue glasses and he has black cape and he wears long black shoes. And every once in a while- And don't step on them, by the way. Don't you dare step on his long black shoes. How long are these shoes? 50 feet. 50 feet? Wow. They roll up.

Oh, oh, oh. Like the Wicked Witch of the West? Isn't that kind of like, you know, those party favors that you get excited and you go, huh? And they go, they unravel like that. That's what it's like to keep a distance from people. If you get too close, he's going to unravel your shoes. You ever get one of those where the horn broke and then it's just... Yeah, and then you just got to scream into it to make it sound like you're partying.

When he gets excited, do they unravel? No, he has a button or something for it. Anyways, I don't really know how it works. He doesn't give us a lot of information. So he has 50-foot-long black shoes. Yes, they don't... Blue glasses. Mm-hmm.

Yes, and every once in a while he disguises himself as a British man and he comes into America to spy out who are the A-list celebrities so he can install Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilets for them in case of emergencies they want to join. So every year there are new celebrities, A-list celebrities. So like Florence Pugh. Oh yeah, Dr. Skeleton coming for her. A couple years ago, yeah, yeah. Like suddenly all you hear about is Florence Pugh. You know, Dr. Skeleton actually did just work with Florence Pugh

- Really? - On what? - On "Don't Worry, Darling." - Oh, wait, a movie can be dead too? - No, no, no. Dr. Skeleton went in disguise as a British man to go scout out A-list celebrities. And while he's there, he is a very handsome disguise. So sometimes he does music and movies and he met Florence. - Wait, wait, are you saying Dr. Skeleton is Harry Styles?

That sound? He has mentioned the name Stiles to me. Dr. Skeleton is just as fake sounding a name as Harry Styles. And I believe Stiles stands for skeleton takes your life every second.

Oh my God. That actually makes sense, little mama. Wow. Wow. This is incredible. This is the secret order of the universe is being revealed to us. Wow. Wow. This is illuminating, isn't it? Wow.

This is incredible. I mean, I wonder if I'll ever meet Harry Styles or Dr. Skeleton. Probably not, Scott. As I said, A-list, right? Remember what I said? A-list only, okay? Is there any podcaster who's going to be offered to sit down the toilet? Joe Rogan's got the toilet now. Oh. I know he does. From news radio, though? Or from his actual podcast? I don't know. I've never met him. Shit. We're worlds apart. But sometimes I call up the tube down through the ocean and he hollers back. Does he really? I'm waiting for him.

You want him to come? Yeah. He's got some good ideas. We need more guys. We want him to go. Maybe we can make a trade. That's right. Like they did for Brittany Griner. Yeah. Arrangements can be made. Is there ever any celebrity prisoner exchanges? Can we get a celebrity back if we send Joe Rogan?

Who do we want back at the most? I'll tell you who we got. Let's get Chadwick Boseman back. Chadwick Boseman. We don't have him in Mazel Tov. He picked one of the other locations. At my location, kind of a limited pool. We have Steve Irwin. Notorious, big. I mean, yeah. The little girl from Poltergeist.

Heather O'Rourke. You want her? Heather O'Rourke, yeah. Brittany Murphy and Andre the Giant. Andre the Giant. God, I get it. If you had to trade Joe Rogan for one of those. I'd go Biggie Smalls all the way, probably. But what about you? No, it's notorious big what we have. Oh.

Okay, not B.I.G. I don't have the other guy, no. Oh. He picked a different location probably if he had a celebrity toilet. Who's Notorious Big? The Jolly Green Giant? Notorious Pig? Oh, Notorious P.I.G. Sorry. P.I.G.

Oh, wait, this is Babe from the movie Babe? I'm not sure. I don't know the references so well because as you know, I died in the 70s. Definitely, I exist. You didn't get to choose this particular cell of dead living celebrities. No, but I chose Mazelan, flushed down for Mazelan, up for Ohio, double flush for Prague, one flush for Paris. But then he showed up and it's like, these are the people you were hanging around with. Yeah, and thank God. These are your face swapping friends. Brittany Murphy. These are the people in your neighborhood. Yes, yeah.

Doesn't seem like a lot of people. Not a lot of people chose Muslim. Don Bardo did. Oh, Don Bardo's with you? Oh, that's gotta be great. It must be so satisfying. You wake up in the morning and he's there and he's like Elvis Presley's here. This most famous catchphrase. Oh, we loved when he said that. Here's Johnny. But no,

But no, no, little mama, we got a good crew. We got a good crew. I'm not complaining. Andre the Giant, I did a leg swap with him because after I got Brittany's face, then I would go out and people would go, oh, there's Brittany Murphy. I'd go, no, now, God damn it, now they're thinking I'm someone else. So I had to change my body a little bit. So I gave him my freaky little jewel bean, wobbly little knees. Oh, so Andre the Giant has got the gyrating hips like Elvis. He's got the blue suede shoes, little mama. So you have Brittany Murphy's face.

Elvis Presley's torso and Andre the Giant's legs? Oh, big hairy tree trunks, wet and sweaty. Oh yeah, I'm stomping around into oblivion. I'm eight feet tall. He was all legs. I didn't want to say anything, but you're eight feet tall. Yeah, Andre the Giant was all legs. What about arms? Whose arms do you have? Does this answer your question? Whoa! I can pop a look at it. No!

Yeah, they're mine. Oh, they're yours. Okay. I guess I never showed any of my famous dance moves really with my arms. I did mostly leg stuff for you guys when I was doing around. Yeah, you left us in 76, but that was at the dawn of hip hop and popping and locking. It was at the Elvis of hip hop. Oh, wow. Who's dawn? Okay. Well, Elvis, this is incredible stuff to hear. I'm so glad you're back. Yeah.

I'm glad to be back too, little baby Baba. But you're only back for a little while, you say? Just enough to, you know, maybe sing a few of my hits, get some more money back to pay Dr. Skeleton for more face swaps and all that stuff. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's great. Do you want to sing one of your hits right now? Sure, but Dr. Skeleton owns the rights now to the original. Oh, okay. So I'll just do a...

I'll send money to Mazatlan. Honestly, that's just as good as any other Elvis song. Oh, please send your dollars and coins and all your cash to Mazatlan. Okay, yeah, just send it to Mazatlan. All right, well, look, guys, we're running out of time. Chicken and wine. Oh, chicken and wine. Oh, now you're making me. Chicken and wine? Send your chicken and wine to me at Mazatlan. Sounds like a nice night.

All right, we're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. I like plugs, so it's time to plug.

That was the drop. And there it was. That was Well, I Like Plugs by K. Drilla. Thank you to K. Drilla. And if you have a plugs theme, send it over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. Or hodgman at maximumfun.org. Or just take a video of you applauding during John's one line. During my one line. Splatter of blood at the base of the stair.

Thank you. Oh, wow. Send those videos to Sean Hoffman. All right. John Hodgman, what do you want to plug? Well, I just want to mention again, March 24th, all eight episodes of Up Here, a new musical romantic comedy by Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez, premier on the Hulu streaming service, where you may find archived for your viewing pleasure, all 20 episodes of Dicktown, co-created by me and David Reese. And of course, every Wednesday afternoon, you can hear me on the Judge Sean Hoffman podcast,

on MaximumFound.org. Were people confused when that show Wednesdays came out? Because you own Wednesdays. I own Wednesday, Big Willie style. Wednesdays belong to Hodgman. That's right. That's okay. I'm willing to share Wednesday. Okay, great. Can you dance like her? What's that? Can you dance like her? No. Oh, okay. Thank you for asking. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I saw that show and I can't believe they didn't have her do the dance from the famous GIF.

Which famous gif was that? There's a Wednesday gif where she does like a- Oh, from the original Adams? Does that wild dance. Yeah, with Lurch. While Lurch stands there. Yeah. I thought it was Lurch dancing. No, he just stands there. Wait, he does dance later on. Not in the gif. Yeah.

Later in the gif he did. And the actor who played Wednesday back in that original show just went down the tube. She sat on Dr. Skeleton's skull. Hey Brock, what do you want to plug if you can still talk? They don't call you talk, love it. I'm going to plug this

It's a URL. Oh, okay. Some of the great websites, in my opinion, have been URLs. Universal Resource Locator. It's a short one, though. Okay. It was created in Libya. It's bit.ly slash pft dash vod. All caps, baby. All caps. Now, presumably, the person who did this did it to simplify...

people trying to find his stuff, right? That's right. But doesn't it, it seems like it's made it more complicated. Does it really? It seems slightly more complicated. Like if I just read out like a long URL instead of a shortened one? Normally people get like paulftompkins.com or something like that.

People have that. Yeah, that's there. It just rolls off the tongue. B-I-T dot L-Y slash P-F-T. Because everybody knows how to spell Tompkins. Hyphen. That's true. That's a good point. And what are the last three? V-O-D. V-O-D. VOD. All caps, baby. VOD. On demand. Don't do lowercase because it'll take you someplace weird. And what's up there right now?

You'll have to go to find out. Oh, man. I can't wait. Are you tantalized? Oh, Brock, don't tease me. Rose, are you ready to go back to bit.ly slash pfd hyphen vod? See? He's already memorized it. That's right. I got it. Not hard at all. I got it. Well, Elvis, what do you want to plug? Oh, baby, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

That's me. Oh, my little baby darling. Thank you. Yes. What do you want to plug? I want to plug History of the World on Hulu on March 6th and also my own personal website, www.elvislittlebabymommadarling. Oh, baby, baby. Little Mama Price is right up a hubba darling. Elvis.skeletontoilets.goldmembercelebrityclub.com. I'm on sound. This is easy to understand. Yeah, that's just a simple universal resource locator.

I want to plug the look. The Comedy Bang Bang book is coming out so soon in just two months and a little maybe a week or so. Wow. So exciting. This is the kind of book that. Do me a favor. When it comes out, send it to me in both trim sizes. I definitely will. Actually, yesterday I was on a phone call where they said.

We want to get your list of influencers to send the book to. And I thought to myself, I don't know anyone. But now I'll send you one because you've sent me so many copies of your books. Do you have to know them or is it just like influencers end up getting? No, I think they're like. That sounds more like revenge. Yeah.

I remember you were on the show once and I said, I felt like writing a book back to you after learning so much about you when you wrote your book. I thought it was... And I said, no, thank you. It was unequal. I know so much about you. You don't know anything about me. I overshared and paid the price. But the Comedy Bang Bang book, you will get a copy. I can't wait. You know what? I can't wait to purchase it.

Really? I'm going to purchase it with my heaven bucks. Okay. Okay. You're going to wait until you die. All right. I'm in that book. That's right, Brock. You wrote something for this book. That's right. Still waiting on that money. Yeah. Well, you got paid in heaven. We all are. I don't want to get paid in heaven. It's not one of those money deals.

So this is coming out in April. You can pre-order it right now. And what we're trying to do is have everyone pre-order it so that it goes up, up, up, up, up the New York Times bestseller list. To the very top. To the very top. To peak wetness. How high did you reach? What's that? How high did you reach? Not the very top. You were not number one? What were you? No, I think I peaked at number 12 or 13. All right. We're trying to get, we're trying to beat...

John's book here. Strangely personal metric. All I want to do is sell one more copy than he did. Send it to PewDiePie. Yeah, that's true. That's an influencer right there.

Logan Paul, maybe? Go on. Go on. Rhett and Link. Lots of influencers, Scott. You could send us some sort of beauty influencers, makeup artists that will be like, what is this? Beast influencers. That's right. I think they're asking me for influencers whose emails I already possessed. What about that guy in the Romanian prison? What about Snowden? What?

Scott promised me you'll flush a few down the toilet for me. I definitely will. Yeah. Don't worry. I'll take care of that, Scott. You don't have to worry about that. I'll do that for you. As long as you buy them. But yeah, it's coming out very soon. So pre-order it at cbbworld.com slash book.

I think it's going to be the kind of book that if you're listening to the show and haven't turned it off by now, you're going to enjoy. So please check that out. And while you're there at CBB World, check out if you want to hear past archive episodes of this show, as well as things like CBB Presents.

Never make a pretty woman your wife. That's right. If you want to. Priscilla. If you want to hear previous episodes of this show. But you don't want to listen to commercials. Never make a pretty woman your wife. If you're only listening to Comedy Bang Bang, you're only hearing half the story. We have some great ones. In fact, I think we have a great CBB Presents coming out this Wednesday.

All right. You own Wednesdays. I own Wednesdays now. Look at me. Wow. Look at me. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag. Wow. That was a good one. Wow.

That was my favorite one so far, I think. That was Aerobic Schwartz by To The Marketplace. Thank you so much to To The Marketplace. And again, if... To buy a seashell? If you...

If you want to get the stems for that and make your own plug, closing of the Plug Bag theme, go to cbbworld.com slash plugs. All right, guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, John Hodgman, so great to see you again. Thank you. Thank you so much for making time to do this. I know you have so many choices when it comes to being on podcasts. So thank you for choosing Comedy Bag Bag. Thank you. And please, I'm at your beck and call. Oh, really?

That's right, both. Beck and call. Beck and call. Anytime. I'd be very happy to come back. Okay, thank you. Maybe I won't leave. I will keep you to that. I would love to have you on again. Thank you. Maybe I'm going to frog you. That doesn't sound good when you say it that way. No, I noticed an open air vent in the bathroom, and I'm just going to go in there and see if I'm confident. Uh-oh. You found me out. Shimmy. Bye.

Bye. Oh, God. All right. There can be only one. Oh, yes. Brock, I want to thank you so much for being here. Thanks, man. I don't like that you stole something. That's one of the Ten Commandments. I know. I also didn't honor my mother today. Really? I disrespected her. Is she still with us? Yeah. Oh, okay. So how did you disrespect her?

I said, shut up. What did she say to you? She said I'd eat vegetables and I said, shut up. She said you would eat vegetables? She said you have to eat vegetables. I said, shut up, mom. Do you live with her? Did she just come by to do that? No, she called me up. Oh, okay. I see. I was running out the door. You're in a

I answer the phone because it's my mom. She goes, you got to eat vegetables. That's all she said to me. I said, shut up, mom. Shut up, Brock's mom. I agree with you. Thanks, man. I feel bad, though. Is she a Mrs. Lovett like in Sweeney Todd? Yeah. I'll take that, Heath. Just like in Sweeney Todd, if you know what I mean. I'll take that, Heath. I'll tell your mom to shut up for you from now on. Hey, absolutely. That's my mom. All right, man.

All right. I want to thank you, Elvis. So great to see you. Thank you, little baby. Thanks for being a fan. Oh, it's my pleasure. Take us out with one final song, if you don't mind. Yeah, maybe the top song from Disgusting. Click, click.

Oh, sending all your money down to Mastermind. I needed all your money, I was fast as a cat. I'll eat a can of tuna and a jar of rice. I'll send an army and go on a few soul nights. Woo! All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. I'm swimming. I'm swimming. Jar of rice. Jar of rice.

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