Jon Hamm, Seth Morris, Shaun Diston
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Comedy Bang Bang

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots you do take because you're bad at sports and miss every shot. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Too long. Thank you to Floppy Baby for that catchphrase submission, Floppy Baby. The hunt continues, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman. I don't even believe I introduced myself on our last episode, so if you listened to all of that and had no idea who the host was, but you said, you know what, I'll try another one in case he introduces himself. I am Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have a great episode coming up a little later. We have a custodian, someone who works in custodial services.

So that's a good episode of comedy bang bang, I think. But on the other end of the spectrum, although I don't know, I would imagine that you make a mess of the toilet occasionally. Sure. I'm proud. A proud mess. He is an old friend of the show. He, of course, put in six seasons or seven. How many did you do with that show?

What show? What other show have you... The Division? The Division, of course. We all remember you. Me and Nancy McKee. I remember the billboards around town. I was like, there's my friend John. There he is. He made it. Television for women. Lifetime television for women. Ten tits and a dick. You, of course, were the owner of two of those tits. Yes. Two beautiful, masculine tits.

um how many how many seasons of mad men did you uh we did we did eight seasons you're kidding me 93 episodes why not do the extra seven it does make it does beg the question you know what i mean let's come back for a little completion do it all over the round number you know one episode per per season or whatever just do us just do a final season where there's like seven more why don't you get back together do a final season listen your lips to god's ears honestly that show kind of stopped in the

Pretty much at the end of the continent. Well, whatever. Maybe you didn't see the end. Who knows? Yeah, well, I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention. A lot of people didn't pay attention. It was a show really made for passive viewing. But he, of course, played Don Draper. Don Draper. On Mad Men. Don Draper. And... Donald Diaper. Now he inexplicably is playing a guy named Andrew Cooper. Cooper Draper. Draper. Cooper Draper. Cooper Draper. Cooper Draper.

On a different show called Your Friends and Neighbors, which is coming out on April 11th. Apple TV Plus streaming once a week. The first two episodes will drop on the 11th and then it'll be once a week, the slow drip. So if you have an extra $500,000, $1,500 in your spare pocket and you want an Apple TV subscription. It doesn't cost that much. I believe it does. You're radically overestimating the cost of it. I think it's...

I mean, with all the bells and whistles. Well, sure, if you want a really good connection and all the stuff, yeah, $500 million. But other than that, no, it's remarkably affordable. Please welcome back to the show for, I'm going to try to guess how many actual episodes you've done. Your guess is as good as mine.

I'm going to say 12. I think it's at least 12. At least 12. Okay, so 13. Let's go with 13. Let's say 13. A baker's dozen. Please welcome back John Hamm. Hooray! The aforementioned baker. Donald Baker. Donald Baker. Donald Dozen. Joe Don Baker. Joe Donald Baker. Hi, John. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being back, for being, I believe you've done, I'm checking it out right here. I have your stats. Ready? Ooh.

Uh-huh. It's like a little baseball card, but with my CBB stats. You have done, in terms of the podcast. Only the podcast. Not the television show. Not the television show or the radio show. No, this includes the radio show. This includes the radio show. But have you ever done a live episode? I don't think so. Okay, so you, and how many episodes of the TV show did you do? Just one. One. Okay, so out of the podcast, this is your

12th appearance. Wow, that is such an amazing guest. Incredible. And I'm an amazing guest. Let me give you your numbers. You did four episodes of our first hundred. Oh, wow. So I was an early adopter. That's right. You were on episode 12. Holy moly. Was that when they were once a week? They still are once a week, yes. Okay.

Well, you know, pandemic. I don't know. Are we still in the pandemic? Pandemic. Then you did one episode in the hundreds. Okay. So I took a little breather. I was probably a little busier than in the hundreds. Well, actually, it wasn't truly a breather as much as because you did 126. That was number episode 100. So it was like you're doing about every 25 episodes. I got it.

Then you didn't come back again until 211. So you went. But I got it. I'm still in the once a hundred. You're still in once a hundred, but it was a couple of years before you came back. Then you jump all the way up to 494. Oh, I missed the threes. I missed the threes. You missed the threes. That was four years later. Man, I wonder where I was during the threes. We, of course, had our legendary. The terrible threes. Yeah, Scott and I were at loggerheads. Yeah.

Which is a beautiful camp up in Northern California, by the way. If you ever get a chance to go to Loggerheads, please, please enjoy it. Oh my God, gorgeous. Yes, sponsor the show. Then you come back about a year later, in fact, under a year later, you're in episode 540. And then...

You do another episode in the 500s, 599. Well, because I feel like I kind of dissed the threes, so I wanted to get back on that prime number train. That's right. Also, it was our 10th anniversary episode. You came in and did something else. Oh, that was fun. I remember that one. And then- It was a rainy day in Hollywood. You were on five. Was that a rainy day, really? Yeah, I remember that, yeah. That was fun. Interesting. So that was 599, which may as well have been the 600s. Close enough. So we'll count it in the 600s. Then you're back up to 774. Dang. Dang.

That's three years later, of course. The pandemic happened. Yeah, it happens. I mean, it's almost like it was planned. And then you go to 839, which is a year later. And now you're in 900. Oh, man. This is like 909 or something like that. One after 909. So, wow. An incredible recap of all of your appearances that created about five minutes of content. So much content. And I think I'm going to say it, riveting. Yeah, man.

People were like, I don't know, is he going to make the fours? Is he going to make the fives? What's the $5.99? Is it a six? Well, you're a good friend to the show. I appreciate you being here so often. It's always a fun time. Hope to have you in the thousands. I hope so, too. Maybe one triple O. I'd certainly. I wouldn't turn down an invitation. Really? You want to be on the thousands? You know, I'm a big anniversary guy, clearly. You're coming up on your first anniversary. Yeah.

Being married, I believe. It's the second, but sure. Is this public? Oh, it's the second. Yeah, second. Second anniversary in June, which is nice. What I meant to say is the first anniversary of your first anniversary. First anniversary, of course. Congratulations. Thank you. It's a very, yes, no, I got married in 2023. Wonderful stuff. We all love love. In June, up in Big Sur. Beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful.

We mentioned that you did eight years and approximately 93 episodes of the Mad Men TV show. Yeah, exactly. 93. You can count them. And then it comes to my attention via the news wires that you have some other show called Your Friends and Neighbors. I watch Mad Men and I go, you know what? That's the perfect- Why do more? What are you doing? That's the perfect-

of his career. Why would you do more? I think I am confused and our listeners are confused as to why you would do another TV show. I think part of why I'm here is to help alleviate that confusion in some way. Explain this to us in ways that will make us understand. Scott, I don't know if you've heard of this device, this kind of concept. Money. Money.

It's a great thing. Is that why you're doing all these commercials? Yeah, man. It enables you to buy goods and services. Oh, okay. What's the best thing you bought recently?

Good question. The best thing I bought... Because you mentioned to me that you bought a poster for Eight Days in the Valley. Yes, I do own a giant one sheet for Eight Days in the Valley. It was about a week long in the Valley. And there was a lot of hijinks. It was Charlize Theron's first starring vehicles. I believe James Spade.

Maybe woods. The spades! What's the difference between a spader and a wood? I would imagine a spader goes to work in the woods. For sure. Using a spade. You've got to spade that stuff out. Their ancestors probably worked together. Hugely, hugely intertwined families. Yeah.

The greatest thing I bought recently. I don't, you know, I don't know. What kind of car do you drive? And what's your license plate number? My license plate number is 72G G543. It is a distributor plate. Oh, wait, you must have one of those because you do the commercials. I get the freebie, man. You get the freebie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you don't even have to buy that. No. So I don't have to buy that. So what's the best thing that you, but like, what's something where you're like, man, I

Doing these shows is all worth it because I bought this. Buddy, let me tell you what I just bought recently that blew my mind. I bought myself some free time. Whoa. That's more valuable than anything. Man, I'm telling you. Free time with your lady. You're a young child. You know, free time is more valuable than anything. That's right. Yeah, that's why we work so hard. That's why you work so hard. Hey, a lot of people live to work. This guy works to live. That's right. I work to work. Well, that's also totally fine. Sometimes I live to live.

Sometimes you live and let die, I noticed too. I did that once. It was a little bit painful. I used to say live and let live. You used to. Tell me about your friends and neighbors because this is baffling to me. You were on this Apple TV about a year ago where you were playing, you were on the morning show and you were

They were asking the question, what if Elon Musk were handsome? Which is like a fanciful world that we can't even really imagine. Or articulate. Yes. It was, it all started, Scott, and I know, again, I know you know how this business works. Yeah. If you want a job, really anywhere, what you really should do. Get headshots.

For any job. For sure. Get a headshot. And by all means, buy a beeper. Yeah, and make it a composite too. Try to be in connection. Like you dress up like a chef in one picture or you dress up like a doctor. Hey, a spicy meatball, maybe something funny, maybe something serious. Any job. Crying clown. You know, whatever. Juggle. You can do whatever you can do. Represent that in your headshot. And make sure you say you can horseback ride.

on your CV. Or, as you might say, a comp card. Yes. Regardless, what you really need to do when you want a job on any of these streaming platforms, and there are so many, Scott. Yes. You've got Fubi. You've got Tubi. You've got... Bluebee. Bluebee. And you've got Netflix. You've got Hulu. You've got Yulu.

You've got YOLO, which is the one where if you only live once, you should get that one. Weirdly, they only stream you only live twice. Which is odd. And they only do it, guess how many times? Once. Yep.

And then they just turn the lights off. And that's it. You're $9.99 a month. Anyways, what you do... So let me guess what you do. You have to do a commercial for them to let them know you'll play ball. Scott, that's exactly what you do. You get them to pay you to do a commercial on their own platform. For their own platform. Where you beg for a job. Yeah, that's essentially what that commercial was, wasn't it? It was a commercial of everyone else in Hollywood has a TV show on Apple except for me. Except for me.

and then suddenly you have a tv show uh two two yeah you have a morning show morning show and uh tbd but uh you never know you know look you never know about this guy i mean listen this guy's here and there he's everywhere he's in space he's on the earth he's he's who knows i thought

it was weird on the morning show with the last episode where like basically it all comes out that you tried to screw over Jennifer Anderson. Spoilers for the morning show. Oh, come on. It was two years ago. And then he just jumps into a rocket ship and goes bye-bye! Bye! And just sails off into space. It was such an odd end to a series that I was like... I thought the weirdest thing about the end of the morning show was all of a sudden it was like afternoon.

That's the thing. Truth in advertising is very important to me. That's why Saturday Night Live, which I know you're hosting in a week or so, is... Come on, guys. Four-timer club.

Come on. I mean, by the way, you're in the 12th timer club on this show. That's three times. We care about you even more. Yep. Yep. But that show is, they say Saturday Night Live. Two thirds of it takes place on Sunday morning. Also, you want to do your 50th anniversary and you want to do it on a Sunday? Hey, guys. Guys. Guys. It's called Saturday Night Live for a reason. It's not Saturday Night Live in Australia, please.

oh my god these guys any case so yeah the morning show like i was noticing like occasionally like you were boning down on jennifer amson nighttime middle of the night time nighttime yeah it's morning somewhere i guess is the idea i guess that's the idea behind the show they do make that disclaimer the idea is once again you you demand that the that the streaming platform in question yes pay you for a commercial

then give you a television show. This is what happened. Wow. This is an incredible story. So your friends and neighbors starts... So wait, I could do this? If you had the gumption. I guess I don't have the gumption. Buddy, you got to get a gumption guy. So when I just talk to Apple TV, I say, hey, pay me to do a commercial. Say, hey guys, how about a little Scott sauce? How about a little Scott hot saucerman? This is a good piece of advice. I'm just going to do a cold call. Just cold call them. They'll know who's talking, right? Hey, Apple TV.

Have a little Scott sauce. Call the Genius Bar and go, where do I... Yeah, go work my way up through the Genius Bar. Listen, somebody knows somebody. That's how it works. This guy, by the way, have we talked about this guy, Tim Cook? He works at Apple, but his name is Cook. His name should be Tim Apple, but...

Okay, it's cook. We give you that. But he doesn't cook apples? Exactly. What the fuck is going on with this guy? Can you throw a pie into anything? Throw a pie into one thing. One goddamn thing. Anyway. Whatever. Your Friends and Neighbors. Your Friends and Neighbors is a contemporary story unlike Mad Men, which takes place in the 1960s. So are you saying that this show takes place in the exact hour that anyone ever watches it?

No. It takes place in the past. No, just contemporary. Contemporary. But how long ago were we talking? I think just maybe within days. Like calendar week? Yeah, within days of now. Yeah, within days of now. So wait, the events of the first episode are... I mean, I think the Smiths said it best. How soon is now? And this is what they said. The events of the first episode are about to happen because the show doesn't come out for another 11 or 12 days or so. Hey, hey, hey, tune in.

So this is all set in the future, according to when we're taping this and when this comes out. Depending on the present. Okay, so this is a futuristic show. Could be. Interesting. So are there lasers and stuff? I mean, aren't there lasers and everything? Try to open your phone without a laser. Good luck. And no one's wearing glasses, so I bet they use lasers to correct their vision. LASIK. Tim Cook knows about it. His name should be Tim LASIK. Tim LASIK. But then he wears glasses, so this guy's confusing. I don't know.

You know, Jobs had it right. You know what Steve Jobs had? A job. Exactly. Johnny Cash. Money. Bob Hope. All he did was give the soldiers hope. Thank you. Good Lord. So in any case, this is a futuristic show. Joe Penny from Simon versus Simon. Pennywise. Also, they had nothing but copper coins. I'd love to live in the sewer. What about you?

I mean, depending on the sewer. Have you been to some of these sewers? You can trick out a sewer. Not the worst. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. There's a couple places in Manhattan. I was like, there's some nice tile work in here. Beverly Hills sewers, anyone? Yeah. 9021, yes.

So this guy's, first of all, he decides to call himself Andrew Cooper. Well, he goes by Coop. Did parents name him this? His birth name, Andrew. Last name, Cooper. Because in Mad Men, there was all this shenanigans with Don Draper isn't his real name. Is that the same thing happening? No, we went away from that. We felt like we did that on the first show. It would be ballsy if in the middle of the third season. Every character I play is like, is that your real name? And I'm like, I got something to tell you. Yeah.

You got to pitch this. Sorry. No, it's his real name. He goes through sort of a seismic event in his life. He loses his job through no fault of his own. Some corporate chicanery, a little shenanigans happened to him. And because his main source of income has evaporated. His job. His job.

Uh, and he lives this usually people's main sources of income. Some people have ancillary income. You could say, I mean, a lot of people's ancestors, you know, yeah. Ants and uncle Soleri, uh, uncle Soleri and ancillary. Um, they, uh, sometimes give you money. Sure. Um, anyways, he, he does lose his job. He is living a very expensive existence and he kind of is, uh, takes, takes account of all of his friends and neighbors around him and realizes these people don't need all this stuff.

Maybe he can start relieving them of some of them by fits and starts and steals from them. Oh, like he goes over to their houses at parties and takes a necklace or two? Yes, yes, yes. I love this. He's like a modern day Robin Hood. He's like a Robin Hood. Giving it to himself. But giving it to himself. Yeah, I love this. So I think he might have missed kind of the point.

the point of Robin Hood but he's got who can say he got the Robin part sure yeah yes he was definitely Robin does he wear a hood do you get to wear a cloak or anything like that well Doctor Strange I gotta tell you he does wear a hoodie

That's close. Maybe he's Robin Hoodie. That's close. Which was the working type. So the cast on this, we're talking Olivia Munn. Olivia Munn. Amanda Peet. Amanda Peet. Mark Tallman. His last name is Tallman, but it looks like Tallman, and he's a tall man. Is he a tall man? Yeah. What are we talking? 6'2", 6'3". Tall enough. Those are good stats. I mean, he's not an Ackerman-sized human being. 6'2 1⁄2". That's not true at all.

Really? You think I'm taller than that? I think you are at least 6'4". I've stood next to you. No, no. Come on. I mean, I felt like every time I stand next to you, Poseyne, and Tall John, I feel like I am in fourth grade. No, I'm the shortest out of both of them. We have Hoon Lee. We have Lena Hall.

Lena Hall from Broadway's Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Yep. Amy Carrero, who people would know from She-Ra. She-Ra. She-Ra. And then recurring, we're talking Corbin Bernson from L.A. Law. Yes, indeed. Corbin Bernson from Major League. Yes. Roger Dorn from Major League, the affable second baseman. That's right. And then a bunch of people who I don't know.

Um, but, uh, I mean, but you will, you will know them. They'll be imprinted on my memory from here to the end of time. It's a wonderful ensemble. Um, it's a, it's a funny show. It's a dark show. It's a, there's, you know, a lot of, um, difficulties happen because of the, the,

criminal nature of what you get to do the mission impossible thing where like you lower yourself into a room it's not no it's not it's more just him kind of looking around and sort of peeling off from the crowd into a closet and just stealing some stuff what if bruce wayne did exactly everything instead of becoming batman he just goes and steals stuff in the other room stole stuff from his friends like all right hey man so this is sort of like a batman type of show it's set in the future

Yes. It's a lot like Batman and a little like Mad Men. So it's Batman. Batman. Well, this is a dynamite show. I mean, you're friends and neighbors. It obviously comes out on Apple TV. Apple TV plus April 11th. First two episodes. Day after Wednesday. So you're going to be drying off.

Yeah, 410 ski. I'll be, I'll be, uh, yeah, 410. Obviously he's wet day when we get as wet as possible. We have to get wet. So is everyone like drying off in this show in the first scene, like from wet day or you say it's contemporary. So I imagine that, I mean, I'll let you, I'll let you find out, but I think the answer might surprise you.

Oh, boy. Yeah. I'm not sure which is going to surprise me more, no or yes. Maybe a mixture? Tune in. Someone, like, wipes their brow with a rag? No, no, no. Really? It will be patently apparent. Oh, man. This is going to be the perfect television show for Wet Day. That's what you call a teaser. Of course, we're celebrating Wet Day next week on the show. Wet Day. Wet Day. Wet Day? Wet Day. This is a good thing that we need to tour the country with. Third base.

John Hamm is here. And did you have to figure out what a hedge fund manager is when you did this show? Or did you just say lines? I just said lines. Let's be honest. We all have a working idea of what a hedge fund manager is. Do we? I still have no idea. Sonic the hedge fund manager. I think we all know there's Sonic and Knuckles, and one of them manages hedge funds, and one of them doesn't. One's red, one's blue. I get it. I get it. I'm a professional actor.

If there ever was anything that you didn't understand. Wikipedia. Wikipedia, really? Right to the source. You don't want to embarrass yourself in front of your peers by asking a question. No, no, no, no, no. Just go right to Wikipedia. Yeah, no thank you. That's why it's there. That's why I donate $4 a year. Oh, boy, those are big numbers. Big numbers. Think about it. There's probably a billion people that use that. That's $4 billion a year if everybody follows my lead. It is probably the website that I go to the most every day.

and I have never donated, and I need to rectify that. Just change it. Change it today. Just do an auto pay. Like, $500 a month. Exactly. You know, that's an Apple TV Plus subscription. That's the base level. Yeah, for sure. I mean, you're going to want to bump it up a little more. But yeah, for sure. To get the real shows, too. To get the good stuff. Basically, just $500 a month pays for the Apple logo on your screen. You get an Apple logo on your screen. You get a sticker to put on the back of your laptop. Which is really nice. Which is awesome, because then everybody will think,

Oh, it's a Mac. It's a MacBook. Yep, exactly. Instead of that dumb Acer. How many days a week you work on this show? All of them. You did a five-day, really? Oh, yeah. These are Mad Men numbers. Yeah, it was tough. And it's a lot harder to do that. I just turned 54 years old, March 10th. And it's a lot harder to do that in your 50s than it is in your 30s. But I love doing the work, and it was fun. I enjoyed it. We shot the show in upstate New York.

So we were living in New York City. That was really fun. I'd never really... Seen any Broadway shows. I didn't. I didn't have any time, unfortunately. You're working five days a week. Yeah, exactly. Although we did see one. What was it called? It was the Tom Stoppard play that was... Oh, it was so heavy. That Josh Molina was in and David Krumholz and... Great people. Great people, great show. It was about the Holocaust. It was super fun. Uh-oh!

Bad times. So you had a great time shooting it. Yes, wonderful time shooting it. From action to cut, fabulous times had on screen. Yes, Craig Gillespie, who you might know from I, Tonya. He directed the first couple episodes. He also directed me. Please don't joke about I, Tonya this Christmas, by the way. Why, Tonya? Exactly. Third base.

So it's a hard way. Words of wisdom. It's a great TV show. We, we need people to watch this. Hey, tune in, check it out. Second season in the bag. We're starting the second season before the first one even comes out. That's how much people like this show. And by people, I mean the people that are paying for it at Apple. I love this. All right.

All right, we're all going to watch it. We're all going to dry off on the post-wet day. Dry off from wet day. Dry off from wet day on April 11th. So Friday dry day. Friday dry day. That's exactly... I mean, wet day happens on a different day every year. But this year. This year's a Friday dry day. Friday dry day. Come on, guys. Thank you, John. You are welcome. This is going to come in handy for next week when we do our wet day special. We need to take a break. We have someone who works in custodial services. I cannot wait. This is a good show. It's been a minute. I've got questions. We have one of our...

We have one of our biggest stars who's done the show 12 times, and we have someone who's a janitor. You know what? I'm not going to give that guy any shit. Thank you. I love it. We're going to come right back. This is a very exceptional 12th episode of Jon Hams. We're going to come right back with more Comedy Bang Bang right after this. Dirty dozen.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jon Hamm is here. Your Friends and Neighbors, which is a TV series. Apparently it was something else, because Wikipedia has... It was something else. I think it might have been a movie. But, you know what? Who gives a shit? It was a 1998 black comedy film written and directed by Neil LaPute. Tyler... Oh. Ha ha ha ha!

um neil labute yes correct i think it was a play that turned into a movie starring this has nothing to do with that no how does this make neil labute feel he like turns on apple tv plus one day and he's like they're making a series out of my movie we're gonna be rich honey we're gonna be rich and then his wife goes we've been over this you can't copyright a title yeah yeah

It's too bad. Yep. Sorry, Neil. Sorry, Neil, but you are out of luck. In any case, your Friends and Neighbors comes out on April 11th on Apple TV+. Scott, don't be alarmed. Whoa. What? Scott, don't be alarmed. John, is that you? No, no, no. That's not me. Look under the table.

Oh my God. Sorry. Sorry you've been down there a long time. Bob, hey, John, do you know Bob Duca, my ex-stepfather? Finally, place a face to the shoe. I do know Bob Duca. Hello. Hi, Bob. Hi, Bob. Hi, Scott. What are you doing here under the table? It's a very urgent matter. I've come to you a desperate man. How long have you been here if it's so urgent? Let's not get bogged down into detail, Scott. Okay. Okay.

Did you hear the entire first segment? Pretty good, I thought. It was a great segment. Thanks, Bob. I love the shout out to late 80s rap group Third Base. Third Base. Spelled B-A-S-S. Through the hard way. Words of wisdom. But Scott, jokes and security breaches aside, I have an

An important question to ask you. Sure. Sorry, for the listener, by the way, this is Bob Duca. He was married to my mother for six months. Six glorious months. Back in the 90s, was it? Again, let's not get bogged down into details here. Just know that this connection can never be unbroken, and you are my forever baby boy. That's very sweet. That's so nice. Which makes what I'm about to ask you all the more ironic. All right. I was a grown adult when you were married to my mother, but all right. Always be a baby boy to me. Scott. Scott.

I've come to ask you for your hand and please adopt me. What? I need you. I've looked into the legalities of this. I need you to adopt me for love. Sure. But also for, for, for medical insurance.

You want me to adopt you? Bob, first of all, you didn't even adopt me when you were married to my mother. I didn't want it because... Everybody was all uptight about it. Not that I'm uptight. I just, I was in my 30s, I believe. Sure. And didn't need a father figure at that point. Okay, let's get into the weeds on what need is. What does anybody need? Let's break it down. Food, shelter, water. N-E-E-D, right? N. No, not that specific. Again, let's not get bogged down in details. Okay.

Please don't get bucked. Okay. Food, shelter, water. Water. And everything else is gravy, baby. Okay. Food, shelter, water, gravy. Right. Okay. No, not gravy. Everything else is gravy. Everything else falls under gravy. Sure. Okay. The point is, the point is the way that I wanted to adopt you had nothing to do with need. It had to do with ritual, tradition, and a strong desire to connect.

I understand that. But why then would the shoe be on the other foot? Why would I then need to adopt you? Thank you so much, Fred. You could probably tell from my demeanor that I'm much buffer than I usually am. You do look great. I wouldn't say great necessarily. I wouldn't say bad. Some would say buffer. Some would say lumpier. Scott, I've become fully engrossed in the men's vitality movement and

For the last six weeks. Had you been dabbling before, but now you're fully engrossed? I dipped a toe in, and now I'm deep, deep in it. Okay. I've been a patient, a client at the Alpha Dynamics Men Trans Longevity Clinic, run by Dr. Winona Bambini.

What does that entail? I don't know what any of those words are. I will tell you what, but I need the insurance to cover its longevity, its male vitality. You know there's a crisis of masculinity in this country, in the world. I hadn't noticed. John? It doesn't feel like it. It feels like that might be made up. No. Listen, you, my friend,

have nothing to worry about you are dripping with masculinity but this this little little god bless you my son but you this little little puddle why you're you know why are you forcing a communion wafer into my mouth it's not a communion wafer oh no no it's a zen it's a zen oh it's a zen well all right i guess that's a you you're in in the longevity community you'd be what's known as a cuck puddle

I don't know why they're branding people that way. I think that's cruel, but that's what I was, and I don't want to be that anymore. I found out that I've let people walk all over me too much, and part of that is the physicality, but I need to continue the rigid physical and nutritional program that I'm on. I'm afraid that if I... Have you ever seen a weightlifter? Have you ever seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? Okay, these are two...

Very different questions. Have I seen a weightlifter ever, or have I seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? Well, the first one sets up the second one. Because the first one to know, then we have a lot of backtracking to do. I have, I mean, John, you've seen a weightlifter. I've definitely seen a weightlifter, and I've seen Arnold Schwarzenegger late, so yes to both. Right. So a weightlifter, after they stop working out, looks like a wet beanbag. Yeah.

So you're trying to say that Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a wet beanbag. Oh, absolutely. Yes. I don't know if I agree. I think he's looking good. He's 70 or something. Oh, come on, you brown noser. You're afraid you're going to see him at the SNL after party next week? Probably. Yeah, probably. He's a big SNL after party guy. If there's one thing I know about the Schwartz is that he goes late. Yeah. He hangs out and goes late.

Well, the point is, if I don't continue this regimen, my health is in grave jeopardy. And this is all covered by insurance? It is. It is. For me. Because of the recent administration, they've allowed certain... If you're diagnosed as a deep beta male, which I have been... What is deep beta? I know what a beta male is. There's a lower level? Is that like dark mega? There's a lower level.

There's a lower level. This is basement level beta. Oh, yeah. Deep beta. Deep beta. Deep beta and clinically unfuckable. Clinically. You can get insurance to revitalize your manhood. Okay. And if I don't continue, I'd love to share with you the regiment there, man. I...

I think we'd all like to hear it just for educational purposes. Maybe this is a regimen that you and I can go to. John's probably, if he's not on these, then he's, God bless him because he's got this naturally. Well, listen, I think we could all use some help. Sure. Sure. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. You know what? Hey, that's what this is all about. It's about helping people. A little concern, though, is why do you need Scott's help?

Because I need to get on his insurance. I see. I see. I missed that. I'm tracking all this. So he wants me to. I've appeared in so many medical journals that I'm no longer insurable. Yes, you're in the column DBCU, Deep Beta Clinically Unfuckable, which is the hard right column. Right. Yes. And so you're checking a lot of boxes. Yes. And this is the regimen. This is the regimen to get me out of that beta basement. Right. And.

And would you be an alpha then? Or would you, I mean... Oh, yes. Yes. I, to be honest, am a little afraid of you becoming an alpha. Because I think there was a recent episode you were on where you tried to alpha me at one point and it was very uncomfortable. I think I did a pretty good job. I've been reeling ever since. Well, that's part of it. I guess it's thinking you did a good job. That's part of being an alpha. You know what's the exciting thing about me becoming an alpha? Again, on the weightlifter thing, have you ever seen a buff old man?

And how cool they look. Nothing like somebody that's super muscly, but also with pattern baldness. Yeah, they have an old purse face and then the body of like a young man. You see them on billboards a lot. That's what I'm going to do. That's what you're looking for. Okay, what is your regimen? What's the regimen? Thank you. Well, the following, again, all prescribed by Dr. Winodo Bambini at the clinic. I start out with Athletic Greens AG1, of course. Sure. Continue on with Ultra Water.

intravenous vitamin drip, ultravenous vitamin sploosh, testosterone, human growth hormone, Andrew Huberman proprietary Metamucil, Scientology grade niacin, Red Bull enema, motorcycle vitamins, omega-3 fatty acids, beta-2 chubby bubbles, wet cement capsules, electricity pellets. I go on a five-hour dopamine gorge sesh every day. Creatine.

Protein, nicotine, ketamine, liquefied weightlifter magazine. See, there it is again. That's why I asked you. Okay, yeah. Because if you didn't know what they were, then you'd be like, what's the magazine about? Thank you. I do these workouts in physical regimen every day. How long does that take? Which? All of it. Oh. That's a pretty, just the five-hour dopamine. I wake up at 4.30 a.m. to start the regimen. Right. Mm-hmm.

I finished the regimen at midnight. Wow. So talk about living to work and working to live. Yeah, really. And somehow I still get eight hours of sleep in there. That's because of the incredible amount of efficiency from this program. And you know what helps? The following workout. You have another list of workout? I would call it a sub list. Okay, great. All right. Yeah.

Bullet point. Hypertext. Hypertext. Is that a question? Are you familiar with hypertext? You like hypertext. Third base had a hypertext man. Yeah, they did. Cold plunge. Hot dip. Shake plate. Air bike. Alligator wave pool. Stair climber. Stair fall downer. Medicine ball.

Kettlebells. Silver chairs. Nordic track kidnap machine. Kato from Inspector Clouseau robot. David Blaine ice block escape workout. Battle ropes. King Kong shoelaces.

These supplements for sexual health and overall vitality. That's why I'm able to alpha you. Sure. Okay, this is another sub list, by the way? Sure, yes. Yeah. Are you going to ask me hyperlink again? No.

I think you established you would prefer Link. Have you? Well, you might need some of these neurotropics then because if your memory is that faulty already. Oh, brother. All right. What are you taking, Bob? You know what? You're like me. Your body's going to start on this regimen and your body's going to go, fella, you got a lot of explaining to do.

You got a lot of spraining to do. This is the Desi Arnaz. Is that what it is? Yeah. I don't know. Somebody said it. Reverence for my love Lucy. I don't know. Okay. Rhino horn. Tiger penis. Griffin pussy. Snake piss. Baby blood. Silverback gorilla tummy. Tesla pudding. Jake Paul lozenges. I do daily Krav Maga with Canadian misogynist Jordan Peterson.

Bezos yogurt with over 700 trillion very active probiotics. Dave Portnoy nipple discharge. I take these advanced cognitive functionoids. Yes, this is another sub list. Wow. This is unprecedented. This is a lot. Listen, my list needs some Adderall because it is hyper. Neuro gum. True brain. Alpha brain. Omega brain.

Lion's mane. Yeti merkin. Coenzyme Q10. Coenzyme Q15. Coenzyme pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Ashwagandha mushrooms. Ashkenazi toadstool. Salt juice. Butter coffee. Donkey lettuce. MMA zucchini. Bone broth.

Turtle eggs, antler soup, knife spaghetti, mammoth chili, and karate salad. Wow. That is a complete...

And then I meditate. Oh, yeah. Well, sure. I get. You can understand how I've become addicted to this stuff mentally and physically. Yeah. And if you deny me this adoption, you are denying me full potential. And you're also contributing to the crisis of masculinity that is ravaging our country. We don't want that. I mean, John, I'm sure you would agree. Of course not. I guess my concern is how have you afforded all of this so far?

Again, I'm a test case. It's sort of like... The current administration is worried that men like him exist, and so they're trying to... So they're trying to legislate them out of existence, essentially, by improving their performance. If you could imagine, you remember Dr. Oz, the great man Dr. Oz? Of course. When he would help a sick child, he'd go to these different cities and help people. That reminds me of somebody else.

Who, Santa Claus? Going around the world helping sick kids. A little guy named Jesus Christ. I don't know that he went around the world. I think he pretty much stayed in... The known world at the time. Yeah. I mean...

And how do you know? We worship. Are you there? We worship Buff Jesus at the clinic. Of course. Although I guess, I guess his last, remember that he came back to life and then like he just flied off into space one day. Yeah. He could have flown to like. He flied off. He flied off. He could have flown to, let's call it South America. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's not like there aren't Christians in South America. Yeah, go visit the Incas. Yeah. See what's up. Yeah. You guys seem to be into gold.

Wow. I mean, this is a lot, Bob. A lot. A lot. Sure. How long have you been... How long... Can I ask just a real pressing question? Because it seems like a lot to take into the body. Are there any side effects? There are some side effects. I do...

I will admit to having random rage episodes. Really? Please don't look me in the eye. Which is surprising, honestly. Please don't look me in the eye. As long as I've known you. I'll look you in the chin. Is that cool? Sure. Okay. You notice it's bigger and bolder? Yeah. Well, I mean, it didn't start from a great place. So I think maybe that's...

I take that. I accept that. Yeah. It was terrible. It was in a terrible place. I just... My chin was in a dark place, let's be honest. What was her name? Because let's not forget, my chin got... My chin got... Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. You know how invested I was in the Creedence Clearwater revival, legal troubles. To see those brothers fighting was just so heartbreaking. Yeah.

Look, Bob, how long before your regimen runs out? Yeah. Midnight. Midnight tonight? Mm-hmm. I don't know that even if I wanted to adopt you. It feels like we're past the point of no return. No, no, no, no. Dr. Bambini knows how to fast track the insurance. You have an adopt easy form there? Mm-hmm.

okay well i mean it does seem like the right thing to do right yes yeah i mean i guess and he does look marginally better yeah yeah i mean i would say like now can i ask also was the reason you were hiding under the table because you're ashamed to come to scott and ask this question because it feels like it's coming from a place of that's coming from a real deep energy that's a deep beta yeah right right i guess i see the connection um

I think that was a manifestation of the old me. Right. Yes. I see. And you're trying to kill the old you. I want to kill the old me. Squash the old and inflate the new. I would love to see you, the new you, wrestle with the old you. Oh. Like right now. Yeah. Like Greco-Roman, just like oily and slippery. Okay. Greco- Oh. Hmm.

I'm more traditional. WWE. Look, I don't care about the traditional wrestling stuff. No, no, like where you start, you know, Olympic wrestling. Right, down one guy on all fours, the other guy behind him. That's what you're more into. Yeah. Okay. The Greco-Roman, I think, is too, I think it's disrespectful. It's kind of old-fashioned. I see. Yeah.

Uh, look, uh, I, I guess I'm at an age where we need to start taking care of our parents. Maybe that feels right. It feels like the right thing. Even though while you were married to my mother, we basically had one meeting in passing where. We will never forget it. Will we? I have.

But you've been such a big part of the show here over the past 16 years. I mean, you and John, I bet. At least 12 timers, both of us. Yeah, at least 12 timers. Yeah. I mean, you're right on the money, 12 timer John. Well, sure. But I mean, it's only one way up for me. By the way, John, you are, again, you're dripping with masculinity. It would do me a great service if you would just give me a little bit of your sweat, if I could take it back to the clinic. Yeah, Bob. Yeah. Oh, my God. Maybe they could harvest this. Here, have a lick.

wow wow pumped up like the incredible that was unexpected that was unexpected this is a whole new you look at that one peck just really yeah it's throbbing you better have another lick i think because you gotta get too far yeah i don't want to go crazy on it but it was just yeah it was a little out of balance life out of balance yeah did you say kawana scotts i did yes good

Well, Bob, look, I'll sign off on the papers. This is a new step for our relationship. I really do feel like it's great. Now, Bob, you're going to have to obey me. Let's not get Poe-Scotty a little too far over the edge. You're going to have to honor thy father. Yes. Are you my father now? That's what an adoption is. This is the happiest day of my life.

And I got to say, the swolest. Yeah. Thank you. You're going to have to do some chores around the house. Okay. Okay.

Okay? Yeah. Feel free to put me to work. You know what? I got to say, Scott, this is going to open up a lot. Open up another chamber in your heart because you have this... Now you have a... You know, you've had a daughter for some time. Now you have a son and a swole son who can do things like... And my daughter has wanted a brother. Exactly. Oh, this is going to be amazing. He can break down boxes. Yes. He can take out the recycling. So many boxes. Let me out those boxes. He can trim the hedges. There's so many great things. Are you willing to...

to scrub bathrooms, like scrub toilets? As long as you film it. Okay. It's a weird request. Do you have an OnlyFans page, Bob? I do. Okay. It's mostly ASMR and changing bandages. But I'm sure we can work through that. There's a lot of toilet stuff, too. Oh, yeah. Well, Bob, this is a happy day. I'm very excited. I'm thrilled. Thank you for coming to me. Here, let me shake your hand. Oh, wow. Wow. Bob. Wow.

Incredible. Holy cow, the grip strength alone. This is a brand new era for Bob Duca. It is. It really is incredible. And again, if you could stop wasting time and get on this, because I can feel myself diminishing. I don't have a few more hours in total. Okay, look, I've signed the papers. I saw him do it. He filled it out online, and he just needs the email address. I think you just press send. Press send? No, we got to find it at Kinko's.

Oh, it's got to go hard copy. Yeah, she only works. Yeah, I understand. You definitely want a paper trail, I think, is the idea. Do Kinko still exist? I do know her what is. Why does that not surprise me?

All right, look, Bob, we need to take a break. This was lovely. I've got to say, this was really surprising, lovely. It was really nice, a nice family reunion on Comedy Bang Bang. And I feel bad because, speaking of cleaning toilets, our next guest, I've been keeping him on the line here, we're going to have to take a break and come back with the person who works in custodial services. So, Bob, can you stick around, or do you have to immediately go to this regimen? I can stick around. Okay.

All right, we're going to have to talk about your attitude, young man. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more Jon Hamm, more Bob Duca, and a custodian. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. John Hamm is here. The show is your friends and neighbors. And it comes out the day after Wet Day and August 11th. No, April 11th. Friday Dry Day. We all know it comes out on Friday Dry Day. No more needs to be said.

We also have my son, Bob Duca, is here. Thank you, Dad. Ex-stepfather, current son. Current son. Yes. Now, I noticed that you were eating during the break, and you left a little bit of a mess on the table, and I'm afraid that's a spanking, Bob. Okay. Don't make me come to you. Come over here. Okay. All right, here we go. Ready? What?!

Is that all you got? Give it to me good. Give it to me. Come on, you baby. Come on, spank me like a man. One for each appearance on the show. 19.

Oh, boy, that really took it out of me. Honestly, that's harder on me than it is you. Absolutely. You can tell. Physical exertion. Yeah, you can tell. Scott's worked up a lather. Yeah, that's actually a pretty good workout, too. It brings a lot of blood to the different parts. Yeah, that's why I've always said spanking your children is a great workout. It's a great workout. Yeah. Well, we have to get to our next guest. He's the aforementioned person who works in custodial services. Let's welcome him back to the show. It's Mike Ruby, the no-stank plumber.

How you doing, Scott? Hi, Mike. It's great to see you. I'm doing good. How are you? Have you ever met John Hamm? Oh, Mr. Hamm. How are you? We have not met, but it's great not to smell you. I've done some work in your back house, of course. Thank you. We haven't met, but I've met some people. And you've seen his ads around the building. Oh, yeah. No stank. No stank. Yeah, of course. I am, of course, Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber. I guarantee there will be no stank when I come and do plumbing in your house.

What about after you leave? Do you guarantee anything? That I can't be a part... Because that's normally the problem. I talked to some of my lawyers. I talked to some of my lawyers and I said, like, can I guarantee after? It's the linger, really. The cranberry rule. But they said no, that if it lingers, that's not my problem. No.

If it's lingas, they can't point fingers. It's merely what you do, and this was all well covered on your first appearance on the show, is when you come, as opposed to most of the plumbers that you'll hire to come work on your house, they stink personally. They smell like shit. Because they're always... Covered in shit. Elbows deep in shit. They're covered in shit. Their ass cracks are out. They're wearing dirty overalls. It's nasty. But this guy, MOS. No stink, Scott. But I... Scott, I...

As you know, plumbers have been under fire. I did not know that. Oh, you didn't know that? No, I have not heard about that. The last plumber I heard about was that Joe the plumber.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good guy. I think Doge was really going after the plumbers too, right? Oh, really? I haven't heard of him. I'm not too worried about Doge. They could cut as much funding from the plumbing department as they want, but there's still going to be clogged toilets. There's still going to be shit. That's a great attitude. But no, Scott, there is a serial killer that has been targeting plumbers around the city. What? Wow. That's right, Scott.

You haven't heard about this? No. It's the number one headline in all the newspapers. How do they rank headlines? Well, I think it's the one that's on the front page. So whatever makes the front page top above the fold. Second page, you're number two. Okay. Well, number two sounds like the guy that you might be looking for, right? Is that confusing to people?

I don't like those kind of jokes. This is the number one headline. Scott, this is serious. I'm talking about my dead brother's sister. Listen, sometimes when you get scared, you just make me laugh. We're nervous right now because we're nervous for you. I'm nervous. We're terrified for you and your brethren. Hundreds of plumbers have been brutally murdered around the city. In what manner?

Well, Scott, I'm here to raise awareness, Scott. Okay, well, we'll raise awareness by answering my fucking question. All right, I will. There you go. I will raise awareness. Thank you. This is my son, Bob Duca. Hi, Bob. How are you? I'm well.

All right, Scott. Well, the following list. What? Oh, boy. This is a real list show. Listical. The following list, of course, Scott, is of all the plumbers who have died in the city of Los Angeles and their cause of death. Just to raise awareness, see if there are any clues out there, if people can figure this out. All right. Of course, Scott, my good friend, Toilet Tank Hank. No, not TTH. He was thrown from a train.

Right outside of Los Alamos. Just like Mama? Yeah. That's what everyone likes to say. It's a fun joke. Oh, they threw him from the train like Mama. How do you know he was thrown from a train and not just like, you know, fell off a train? Yeah. Oh, well, you know, the FBI was out there. They did some sort of forensic. It was a federal crime. It was federal because the train was just passing the California post office. So then it was, of course, a federal crime.

I love California's post office. That one post office that the whole state has. It's really beautiful, but unfortunately, Toilet Tank Hank died. Oh, no. It's a shame. Of course, Dante from AAA Plumbers. Dante is spelled D-A-N-T-A. Okay. I...

I don't care, but okay. It's important. It's important. Because people need to know, you know, if you're going to be looking for clues, what are you going to put on the card? The obituary. Of course, his hang glider. I don't know that I'm reading Dante's obituary. You don't read all the obituaries at the LA Times every night. It's fascinating to me, the people who, I posted an obituary about a year ago, and that it gained some notice, and people reached out because of it. Who is...

Who are reading these things? A lot of people right before bed like to pull out the newspaper, go to the obituary section. I might be coming to join you. Wow. They call them bitchers. Bitchers. Of course, Dante from AAA Plumbing is... We want a bitcher, not a belly itcher. Sorry to interrupt your list. Go ahead. This is very important, Scott. I'm so... Dante. Sorry. Dante. Oh, he's the same Dante? Yeah, he's the same Dante. We never got to his means of... His COD. His hang glider was sabotaged above the Magic Castle, Scott.

He fell through the building and fucked up a magic trick, Scott. Wait, so they sabotaged his hang glider while it was in the air above the magic castle. I'm not sure how it was done, Scott. I'm going to guess drones.

I think drones are involved. We have looked into some drone stuff, but we haven't found any evidence, Scott. I'm working very directly with the police. So not only did he ruin this man's life, literally. And his hang glider. Yeah, three things ruined. Life, hang glider, and the magic trick. Did people assume it was part of the magic trick? A lot of people were like, oh, this is fun. One of those fake messing up. This dead body is going to come to life and pull an ace out of his pocket. That did not happen, Scott. Is this your card? No.

That didn't happen. No. By the way, John just did pull out a card. It was my card. That was really crazy. He hadn't even pulled a card, but it happened to be his card. It was the 12 of spades. It says the property of Scott. Oh, my God. Yeah, I didn't know what card it was. Did you see that? His testosterone levels plummeted when he started doing close hand magic. Yeah, you got to be careful with this. You got to be careful. We have a meter on him right now just to check him. It's a trick, a T-meter. Of course, Peter Pipes, plumbing professional. Oh, no. I've seen his billboards. Yes, he'll plunge your poop up.

He goes right to the source. He goes right to the source. So not so much the plumbing, but the interior plumbing. He likes to come to your butthole and do some preemptive work. He takes care of stuff so that... And this guy too? No stank? Well, that's not something he advertises. You're the only no stank. Okay. There's some other no stank plumbers, but he's all about being a plumbing professional. Of course, his matcha was slowly poisoned with leather condition over a period of eight months phantom thread style. Yeah, that's got to be an inside job. It drove him mad, Scott.

Did he die? Or he's just been driven mad? It drove him mad. He was running up and down the streets of Franklin Boulevard here in Los Angeles, and he was hit by Danny Masterson's car. What? Wow. Was Danny Masterson... He clearly wasn't driving. Yeah, I don't think he was driving. No, I think it was his... Someone had borrowed his car, and they were driving from the... If I was going away to the big house, I'd load my car out. We let it to whoever. What are you going to do with it? He's not driving that thing. What's he doing with a Chevy Volt at this point? Yeah.

Of course, set free Robert Gentry. Do you have to sigh before every entry? I know it's sad. We can stipulate it's sad. I'm trying not to cry while I read these. How far apart are these deaths? A couple of them were in the same day. Oh, wow. Same day as... So it really is an epidemic. This is almost like Jon Hamm's appearances on Comedy Bang Bang. It's insane. Sometimes they're close for a while and then the years will cut apart.

Of course. God damn it. Try to pep this up, okay? The heavy sighing. Sent free Robert Gentry. What? Sent free Robert Gentry. I can only imagine there was a bit of competition between you two. Yeah, we were, of course, competitors, but we learned to become brothers. Wow. He was strapped. God damn it.

Now that I have become attuned to it, it is bugging me to know it. I'll try. I get that you're sad. I'll try not to sigh, Scott. But I've just been crying for weeks and weeks. I know this is your way into what's happening, too. A lot like this other guy knows his way of saying Scott is his way. Anyway, go ahead. Sometimes you need to ground yourself, Scott. I understand. Well, scent-free Robert Gentry was strapped to a watermill and slowly drowned over a period of eight months. So?

Did you say a watermelon? No, a watermill. So he went round and round. Because being strapped to a watermelon... Probably not going to drown you. That'd be pretty fun, to be honest. And honestly, it's not that different from being pregnant, from what I hear. Or just carrying a watermelon. Yeah, exactly. That would be fun. Strap a watermelon to your stomach and pretend you're pregnant. Yeah, I think that's the new Amy Schumer movie. Isn't it?

I don't know. I don't know whether it's a watermelon. It sounds like a great movie. Yeah. But Scott, I won't sigh before I say Jake Alcott, the human ball cock.

A human ball what? Ball cock. A ball cock, Scott. It's a plumbing reference. It's the inflatable ball that's in the top of your toilet tank to... Is it weird that like... It's a ball cock. All right. Hey. Come on. Hey, young man. I'm sorry. I'm not going to say this. I would say that too. Don't sass me. Watch your tone. Isn't it insane though that like we've invented so many things like iPhones exist and everything and there's still like an inflatable ball in our toilet.

Well, you know, Scott, it is absolutely a part of my profession, and I take what you just say personally. I beg your pardon.

But of course, the human Balcock, he someone cut his brakes and he was driving and barreled straight into a fireworks factory. Scott, that's tough. That is really tough. I wonder if they knew that that would happen. Yeah. Yeah. None of the fireworks went off. Oh, OK. But it just crashed. He just crashed into a wall. Died. Went through a switch. Terrible. I'm sorry. And you know what? And the saddest part about it is he loved fireworks. He would have loved for some to go off.

But no, he just like crashed into the wall. He's staring at unlit fireworks. Brain all over the place. And somebody cut his break, Scott. So we're thinking maybe this is all the same person. I think they're all connected. Yeah. Because there is a note being left at the scene of every character. Oh, you didn't say that. Oh, I haven't talked about that? No. What's the note? There's a note that says, death to all plumbers. You started the Los Angeles fires.

Each note says that? Each note kind of says that exactly right. Seems like a real missed opportunity for such a creative serial killer. Or maybe this is someone who's been to a Kinko's recently. Oh, they just wrote it once and then made a bunch of copies of it? Yeah, I'm looking at you, Bob. Let's go to Century City. I mean, City of Industry. That's where the Kinko's are. Either one is equally as far. Century City of Industry. Frankie Flush, may he rest in peace, was a previous guest on your show, Scott. Is he the one that got embarrassed a lot?

Frankie Flush was constantly blushing. He was lured to medieval times with a story about an unplungable toilet. Legends said that you could plunge the unplungable pipes and be made king of all shit and piss. It was a ruse and he was put to the wrench.

The wrench? Yeah, he was put to the wrench. What does that mean? That's in the stockades? Yeah, it's kind of a sort of medieval torture device. Yeah, it's like they lay him down, they put his head on a thing leaning over, then they put a wrench around his neck and they just wrench it around until it pops up. Yikes. This is terrible. Really tough stuff. Of course, Punani, the porcelain princess, she was drowned.

driving through a car wash, Scott. No. That's right. How did they do it? Did she leave her window slightly open? The convertible was set to open in the car wash. No. It was on a timer? It was on a timer. And of course, all those little flappy dryer things slapped her in the face until she died. Oh, that's how she died. Yeah. Okay, so it wasn't drowning. It wasn't drowning. You know what? I did say she drowned. That's not correct. That was what the police first thought. She just got slapped by the flappy things. Yeah, the flappy things slapped her. Your story keeps changing.

Poor punani, I must say. The size or not? The size, coming in heavy or not? Of course, Little Turd, the canine mascot for the clog dogs, was drawn in quarters. You don't know Little Turd, Scott? They have a mascot? He's the canine mascot to the clog dogs. Okay, I don't even, no further questions, just keep going. You don't want me to get it? Overruled, I want to hear this. Yes.

Of course, he was a little dog covered in shit. And he would pop out of a toilet and he said, I unclogged it and I'm a dog. It was a bad commercial. Yeah, this doesn't make any sense. It was a bad commercial. But no, he was drawn and quartered and cooked up to look like a rotisserie chicken. No. And then Michael Klogowski, of course, the owner of Clogs and Dogs, ate his own dog and didn't even know it. Ew.

That's rough. It's really tough stuff, Scott. What did he think he was eating? A rotisserie chicken. Oh, it's the same. Okay. Yeah, it looked exactly like a rotisserie chicken. I mean, I can see the resemblance, I guess. I guess so, yeah. It cut off the head. Except the covered in shit part. The covered in shit, that was tough. Joe and Jill dump rug. The husband and wife owners of Flush Flush Give Me Yo-Yo. They, of course, clean people's toilets and only charge people with...

I'm sorry, Scott. What are you talking about? They would clean someone's toilet and charge what? They would clean that toilet and then they would say, hey, please, we only accept yo-yos or yay-o. So either yay-o, which is pot, right? No, yay-o is cocaine. Oh, it's cocaine. I'm sorry. That's right. First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the power. Then you get the women. Then you get the yay-o. And that's only if you have the yay-o. Okay, got it, got it, got it. I forgot the steps. Like that famous Cuban...

Robert Loja. Oh, that's right. Yes.

Of course this husband... God damn it, stop with the sign. Try to say these cheerfully. He might be... Maybe the serial killer got to you. I gotta say. And I'm new to a lot of this. Yes. A lot of this. Not new to this, but I'm new to this. Yes. You know an awful lot about these murders. Oh, I'm working very closely with the police and the FBI, Jon Hamm. Are you thinking that I somehow am responsible for this? I think it's taking out all of your competition. Right? And the first person they look at

somebody close to everybody that's right someone that's that's not that's not the case i don't know i think it's got bob i think i'm looking at a guy with a lot of information and i'm starting to smell something do you think i you're not so fresh yeah you're the no stank plumber and suddenly we smell a rat do you think i killed joe and jill plunging them to death uh they didn't get up that hill by themselves how do you know about the hill

Because I didn't say anything about the hill, Mr. Hamm. I believe... Wait a minute. How do you know about the hill? How do you know he didn't know about the hill? I think we all know that Joe and Jill have to go up that hill to fetch that pail of water that they need to unclog the toilet. Yes. Come on. Sigh. Brad and Barry, the bidet boys, of course...

They were drugged and woke up. So you're now saying in the middle. Yeah, sometimes it's hard. They were both drugged and woke up in a bank with guns duct taped to their arms. And after a long standoff with the police, they were shot and killed by the negotiators. The negotiator shot them? The negotiator. I'm tired of talking to this guy. That's terrible. That's bad negotiating is what it is. Here's my final offer. Hours and hours of building up trust.

My first and final offer. Here's your pizza, here's your ex-wife, and here's your ticket to hell. I'm glad you guys could joke about this. It's very funny for you. And of course, we're trying to do something to pep up this segment, which is just being laden down by all of your sighing. Let me sigh out, Mike.

I could still hear it. And of course, Thor, the god of plunger. The winds are steaming up in here with all this sight. Thor, the god of plunger, was shot in the head point blank range. Oh, okay. That's not as bad as the other ones. No, that's not as bad. Thank goodness. That's a quick death. That's quick, yeah. Oh, so you like shooting people in the head. Is that right, Scott? Does he wear a helmet with little wings on it, too? Yeah, really, yeah. Or does he have little plungers on it? They have little plungers on it. That makes sense. So, Scott, you know, we're under fire right now, Scott. I don't know what to do. This is terrible. Do you think you're next?

well i i know i'm next because i am i'm the only plum plumber left in the city of los angeles scott oh i wondered because i've had a clogged toilet for like the last three weeks well scott i i'm out here i'm i'm persevering i'm in the face of fear i'm continuing to do my job scott and of course i'm going through my 11 step process of cleaning anyone's did you bring another list

The following? Can you... I'll let you read the list. I don't have to sigh through this one. Okay, this one is not as sad. So this one you can do cheerfully. Can I interject here? If everybody else is dead, your business must be booming. It is booming. I'm doing very well. I'd also like to offer the observation that maybe this guy leaving these notes is on to something because ever since all these deaths have been happening,

No fires. That's exactly what I think. Plumbers cause. I think there was something to do with like the water pressure and the Palisades. I don't remember, but it was interesting. Scott, I know Billy Joel.

He didn't start the fire. And he made that clear years and years ago. He got way out ahead of it. He has an airtight alibi. You know what? I'm going to make a song that's like, I didn't kill that guy. If OJ had done that. If he had had a fun disco hit in the 80s. Just get into the studio. I didn't kill a waiter.

Well, Scott, you know, of course, I have an 11-step process of cleaning anyone's toilet. And I've had to make some changes based on the serial code. That's right. We've read these 11 steps before, but you've made some changes now. Of course, step one, Scott, receive the call. That one has not changed. It has changed slightly because when I pick up the phone call, I pretend to be someone else until I'm sure it's a customer. Oh, okay. And not the murderer. And not the murderer. Before you used to do it Lady Ghostbuster style. You would answer the call. Answer the call, and I'm ready to go. But now I pick up the phone, and I'm like, hello, it's me,

And I kind of do a whole thing. I wait. This is good. So you do a little character work. I do a little character work. Always fun. They hire me. They tell me that they need to have the toilet clean. Now, of course, step two, I proudly take a shower, Scott. Yes. Proudly. Proudly. This is in order to wash off any stink. I don't want to be stinking. My guarantee is very important to me. But now with a serial killer out there.

I do stand in the shower with a dead man switch. And if anyone opens my shower curtain like in the movie Psycho, I will let it go and my house will blow up. I mean, better safe than sorry. Yeah. I've worked on it. I mean, it's the best way to take a shower these days. So I do have a dead man switch. Do you have a spouse? No, no, no. Okay. I live alone. Now, of course, step three, I drive to the house. Okay. Now, on my way. By the way, John and Bob.

His 11 steps go very into detail. So it's like we're not leaving any stuff out. I mean, listen, I'm glad. I'm very glad. I think you should consider hypertext. Sure. That's not a bad idea. So, of course, I drive to the house. I make a lot of left turns, right turn. Trying to lose. Trying to lose anyone. Shake the tail. And let me tell you what. If you were able to pull me off the road and try to pull me out of the car, guess what? I'm not in there. I was in another car. You're in a decoy. That's right.

So I do send a decoy, and it's a very long... That's not an official step. It's a sub-step. Is it like a Waymo? It is a Waymo. It's a driverless car. Waymo, by the way, is doing such wonders for decoys. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's the best. It's Waymo. You don't have to hire a guy. No, you just put a dummy in the front of a Waymo. Waymo easier than that. It's Waymo. That's really good. You should do commercials. You got to do a commercial for them, and then you'll get a free ride somewhere.

Now, of course, step four, I get out of the car. Now, this is a big step, Scott. Huge. It's a big step. I didn't hear you park or turn off. No, no, no. I get out of the car. You're just jumping out. Car's still rolling. Car's still rolling. Very clearly. I slow it down to a roll.

I that's not a step. OK, it's not a step. But I talk and I just jump. I roll out of the car. And then now with the serial killer out there, I get up. I announce myself to the neighborhood. I say, hey, it's me. It's Mike Ruby. I'm here. I'm I'm ready to do some plumbing. I sound off a bear horn a little bit just to get people's attention. Sure. And, you know, that step has been, you know, it's similar, but a little bit different. Sure. Sure.

I don't recall what the other steps were. No, you don't remember? Upon arrival? Nope. I asked the people to point me in the direction of the stand guy. That's right. Okay. I do remember that. But now, Scott, before I do that, I make sure that they sign an NDA. Okay. So this is what step? This is step five. I'm inside the house. They sign an NDA. Okay. And I say, hey, you can't say anything about the work I'm doing in this house. You can't even say that I did plumbing on you.

Because you don't want anyone tracking your assassination coordinates. I mean, look, I did announce myself outside the house, but now that I'm inside, I don't want anyone to know what's going on. Now, of course, step six, once they've pointed me in the direction of the stank,

Wait, so you've eliminated that step? No, no, no. That is the step. They sign an NDA and then they point me in the direction. This is two steps. And you can't follow your nose to the stank? You need to be... Now, like I said, step six. This has always been the case. I float off the ground like Pepe Le Pew and I do follow my nose to the stank. Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

But before I make my way to the bathroom, I do pull out my gun and I sweep the house. So you're levitating. I'm levitating. And you're sweeping that. I'm holding a gun. I'm peeking around corners. I'm going clear, clear. You know, that kind of thing. I'm shooting out any windows so people can't see. This is all Pepe Le Pew style. This is all Pepe Le Pew style. And it's for my own safety, Scott. Now, since you are levitating, when you shoot the windows up, does the equal and opposite reaction? Yes. You've got to push backwards. A lot of times I'll shoot and I'll just go whee.

Just go right out the front door. It's very hard, but I have to do it. It's the only way to keep myself safe, Scott. That's fair. Now, of course, step seven, I'm in the bathroom. I will lock myself into the bathroom, Scott. Okay. This is where I close my eyes and take a load off because I'm safe, Scott. You're finally in your happy place. I can finally relax. Yes. So, of course, this is my meditation step. Have you cleared the bathroom, though, at this point? No, no, no. I don't even want to see what's in there. So my eyes are closed when I walk in. So someone could be in the bathroom.

behind the curtain. This is really good. Let me write this down. That's right. It would not be where you go. Here's how I would do it. I would look in, you know, I would wash my hands because obviously you're getting ready to do something. Okay, how dare you? And you would look in the bathroom mirror. You would open the mirror just to check and see if there's anything in there. See, it's a false front. You never know. Yeah, there could be a Candyman-style hole behind the mirror. Exactly, or the guy, yes, exactly. Yeah, someone hiding in the walls, you know,

What's that guy's name? Who hid in the walls in that one movie? Bat Ronald. Thank you, Bob. I mean, I don't know. Maybe it's Kool-Aid Man. You never know someone could come through a wall. Exactly. Boy, when you close that medicine cabinet mirror, watch out. Because there's usually someone right behind you. Usually someone's right. This is why I don't touch the medicine cabinet mirror. It gives the killer an opportunity to sneak up behind you. So I don't do that. Of course, I shoot out the mirror so that there are no mirrors in the house. I do my meditation.

Now, of course, step eight, classic Scott. I will disassociate. Yes, of course. Because the idea of shit and piss is so disgusting to me that in order for me to clean it, I have to be in a complete fugue state. Sure.

So I disassociate. Step nine, I hit my head on the sink. Before you've cleaned it, I can't remember. No, no, no. I haven't cleaned anything. You haven't cleaned anything. You're in the fugue state. You hit your head on the sink. I hit my head on the sink. Is this because you've lost consciousness or is this something else? I have lost consciousness. The blood has rushed away from my brain. I hit my head on the sink. Step ten.

I wake up and hope the bathroom is clean. Right. And if it's not... If it's not, step 11, I burn the house to the ground. Right. Yes. This is the Mike Ruby promise. Wait, I burn the house to the ground. Hmm. Maybe I did start the California fires. I was going to say, because you've talked about burning so many houses down to the ground. Yeah, I do a lot of work in the Pacific Palisades and Altadena.

Why those two neighborhoods exclusively? They're so far apart. The pipes are nasty. The pipes are nasty in these places. Oh, they have bad pipes? They have bad pipes. I've heard that about the Palisades. Oh, they got bad pipes. Palisades, rough pipes. Rough pipes. Rough pipes. So I guess I might be responsible for the... Huh. Anyways, those are my 11 steps. Anyway, wait a minute. This was hundreds of millions of dollars in damage and lives ruined. Don't beat yourself up. Thank you, Bob. Don't beat... Come on.

I don't want to. I mean, yes, we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. That doesn't mean I should be the target of a serial killer, Scott. It also seems like a lot of your contemporaries are dying when it's your fault.

That can't be traced. Well, no, when you think about it. It could be. You just said it on mic as well. You kind of just did it. You admitted it. Oh, my God, he admitted it. He did start the fire. Yes. It wasn't always burning since the world's been turned. Every single line in that is the opposite. He did start the fire. For me. Yeah. So what are the lyrics? It wasn't always burning since the world's been turned. I know Marilyn Monroe is in there, but I don't know what the opposite of that is. What's the opposite of Chubby Checker?

Skinny chest? Oh my God. There's got to be a singer named Skinny Chest. That'd be really good. Scott, well, you know, damn. Well, I'm sorry that's happening to my fellow plumbers out there. Yeah, it should be happening to you. Honestly, I think you should go to the media. As they said in the movie, Arthur, alert the media. Alert the media. You think I should alert the media, Scott? I do.

Take the heat off your fellow plumbers. I've got so many plumbing appointments. I don't know if I can do that, Scott. I guess you are sitting pretty here. I'm sitting pretty. I've got a throne made of gold. And that throne is, of course, a toilet. Of course.

This is tough, Scott. So now you're sighing out of exasperation. These are sighs of regret because I've realized I put my fellow plumber in danger, Scott. Well, not anymore, girls. They're dead. They're out of danger. You're worried I have one emotional state? One emotional state and it's just sighing. Oh, my God. You should see me when I'm jerking off. I have a question. I have a question. Yes, Bob. Is there shit and piss in plumber heaven?

Oh, God, I really hope so, Scott. You know, of course, I'm a... This is Bob. Who? Oh, Bob. My son. I thought he was Scott Jr. Papa, let him answer me, please. I need my independence, man. I really hope there is, of course. I'm a plumber Catholic, of course. What does that mean? I believe in the Holy Trinity, Scott. Shit, piss, and puke. And I'm really hoping that those three things are there to greet me at the oily gates. Yes.

And gosh, but you know what? I don't want to die. So I'm not trying to think about that thing. I'm trying to live. You might not. And in fact, I bet all four of us never do. I think just because having gone through this, that grants us limited immortality. Yeah, I think so. You did a good thing today. Yeah.

I'm at the clinic. I'm going to get as close to immortality. He's got some medical... A couple of lists that he could probably go through to tell you how to achieve immortality. And you have a TV show coming out. I've got a show coming out, so I can't die. So you can't. Yeah, we have the premiere. You have SNL. And this is the only plumber left. I can't be killed because if that does happen, the streets of L.A. will just be... I hate to say it, Scott.

Covenant shit. Wow. Overflowing. Well, look, Mike, I'm sure nothing's going to happen to you before the end of the show. And whoever has been Xeroxing these notes at the Kinkos is probably not going to come in here and do anything to you. And this certainly wasn't an elaborate trap. No, the doors are locked, right? I don't know. Yeah, maybe. But we are running out of time. We really only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Everybody's joining in and opening up.

Didn't end with the fart noise. What is going on? Delivered. That was Plog Rock by Dan Tastik. Thank you to Dan Tastik. If you have a Plogs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs.

You can upload it there and you can be famous for a week. And Dan Tastik, you are famous for a week. What do we plug in here? John, obviously, you have a show coming out. I have a show coming out the day after wet day, Friday dry day. It's called Your Friends and Neighbors, April 11th. Apple TV Plus, first two episodes dropping, then one a week. One a week until they're done. How many are we talking? Nine in season one. We'll be commencing shooting season two the following week. It's very exciting. It's shot in New York, upstate New York, California.

The luxury oozes off the screen. Why only nine here? To get to 93 in Mad Men, you're going to have to do 10 and a half years of this? Hey, your lips to God's ears, Scott. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Yes, indeed. Thank you very much. I'm going to miss you when you're gone, though. Listen, I'm not going anywhere. We hate to lose our L.A. actors. We like them here, right here in our hometown. But if you have to move to New York for a little while for a TV show, we understand. Hey, you know what they shoot here in Los Angeles, Scott? A little show called The Morning Show.

Why can't two things be true? Oh, man. I think it's a pretty big show. Like Colossus, I straddled the country one foot on either coast. All right. Bob and Tuca, do you have anything you want to plug? I want to plug an appearance on one of those Turkish hair transplant planes. Oh, sure. Plugs and plugs. Plugs and plugs. Okay. And also, me and my papa are going to...

a baseball game. I don't know that I have time. Santa Monica Boardwalk. Why all the way out to the we're going to go to a monster truck rally. All right. I'm slightly interested in that. And we're going to we're going to learn to swim.

You don't know how to swim or I don't know how to swim? I don't know how to swim. Do you know how to swim? I don't know how to swim either. We can both just kind of flail around if you want. Okay. Okay, great. Nothing else to plug? Oh, I'll plug my friend's show, Dinosaur at Largo at the Coronet once a month. Sure. Is there a podcast maybe that you might want to plug? Sure. It's called College Town. I was getting there. I'm getting there. Come on, Dad. If you don't plug your podcast, you're going to get a spanking, young man.

Fine. All college towns on comedy. Bang, bang world. Are you happy now? Yes, I'm happy. I go straight up to your room. I'm getting my belly button pierced. Oh, no. Mike Ruby, anything you want to plug? Well, of course, I'll be singing Man and Me by Bob Dylan at Punani, the Porcelain Princess's funeral. Oh, okay. This Sunday. Yeah. Of course, it's the least you could do. It's the least I could do. I listen to this podcast called Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh, yeah, I'm on that. You listen to that?

That's me. Oh, that's you? You're the Scott. Interesting. Yeah, we watch movies. Is it about keys and sunglasses and stuff? No.

No, it's not about finding the things I've misplaced. So you're a deranged human being, is that right? Yes, and we, by the way, just wrapped up Month Month. That was really clever. Yeah, where every movie that we watched had a month in the title. Yeah, and of course, it was difficult for the hosts to figure out which movies to do, but... We finally figured out March of the Penguins at the end, and we were very happy that it did. A little bit of a stretch, but hey, guess what? It takes place over a month. That's right, yeah. And, you know, I've got a... More like four, but...

I pledged the toilet of this really funny improviser named Sean Diston. He does this show at UCB third Wednesday of the month. It's called Two is the Magic Number with Devin Field. You can buy live stream tickets for that at UCBtheater.com. Oh, yeah. They just did one maybe a couple weeks ago. You don't even have to go. You don't even have to go. You don't have to stand in line. You don't have to breathe. Other people's there. Sit there in your own house jerking off while you watch it. You just live stream this shit.

This guy, Sean Diston, improvised a jerk off while you do it. He's all for it. He wants this. He actually likes that. Hey, that camera don't go both ways.

Well, that's it, Scott. That's all I've got. All right. I want to plug. Hey, we mentioned College Town over on CBB World. We have so many great shows. We mentioned Scott Hasn't Seen. We also have the Neighborhood Listen over there. We have CBB Presents like Hey Randy. Bob, you had a show on there for a while and you keep threatening to come out with another episode for now a year and a half. I would love to. It's not in my hands at this point. It's not in your whose hands could they possibly be in?

The editor. Oh, I see. So everything's recorded? Yes. Oh, okay. Well, maybe that'll come out very soon then. You never want to blame below the line. Yeah.

Yeah, come on. I'm better than that. Yeah, you are. It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools. It's not an alpha move. Did you see the way he was looking at me, though? Yeah, disappointed. Disappointed. No, I get it. But we have so many great shows over there, plus the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, every single episode we've ever recorded, ad-free. Oh, 909. That's right. As well as every live episode we've ever done. Hundreds of those. Do you sell any funny t-shirts? Yeah, we have a great t-shirt that Jack Quaid and my co-host...

of Scott Hasn't Seen Spriggan Whisperer. Dennis' boy? Yeah, Dennis' boy. We all came up with a t-shirt that has Godzilla on it holding a pizza and it says green things like me like round things like this. And this is a shirt that has unprecedented engagement with a fan base. Weirdly enough, it is the most popular thing ever.

I've ever been involved with. People are taking pictures of it, like Angkor Wat all over the world. Said, I brought my shirt to Thailand in a weird way. It's really crazy. Anyway, you can get all of that over at CBB World. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Open the plug bag with me, dude. Open the plug bag, dude. Just please don't close it and be rude. Please don't close it and be rude.

You got it. Please don't close it to me. Please don't close it to me.

All right. That was Open the Plug Back With Me, Dude by William Byrne. Thanks to William Byrne. Deep Byrne. I want to thank everyone here at this table. John, always great to have you. Thank you for having me. Your 12th appearance. Dirty does. I love that. And good luck with the show. Thank you. And many hamburgers to you as well. Thank you very much for the hamburgers. And Bob. Hey, Pop.

Can I borrow the keys to the car? No, you can't. Me and some of my bros are going to go hang out by the quarry. Okay. Come on. No, Bob. We'll be talking about your privileges as soon as the show is over. And then, Mike Ruby, I'm so sorry to hear that you're the target of- I'm trying not to sigh. Some deranged lunatic who hangs out at a Kinko's all the time. Scott, I just got word. Oh, God. What's going on? My good friend, no stench, Wayne Wrench. What?

was folded up in a suitcase and mailed to Abu Dhabi's garden. Top Secret style? He was killed Top Secret style. That'd be expensive to mail a suitcase. It was very expensive. I'm glad you guys are having fun with this. This is just kind of the hardest time of my life right now. When it got there, did it have a bunch of Bugs Bunny steamer trunk stickers? It had gone through Albuquerque. It had gone through many stocks. Wow.

But it's fine. I'm still alive, Scott, and I will live forever, and that's not going to change. Sure. Yeah, of course. Assuming that this entire podcast wasn't a trap for a deranged lunatic to M. Night Shyamalan. What the hell is M. Night Shyamalan doing? Who let M. Night Shyamalan in here? Oh, no! His daughter's singing, and it's pretty good. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Bye. Bye.

Heroes!