Live at Largo w/ Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Carl Tart, Tim Baltz, Lily Sullivan, Gil Ozeri
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Los Angeles, oh my gosh, is this on? Hi, everyone. Oh my gosh, is this on? Hi, everyone. That's our new catchphrase. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Always a pleasure to be back at the Largo, where they force you to say the the. That's the extent of the prepared material for this evening. Thank you.

No, thank you so much for coming. This is the, of course, the book release event for Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, The Book. Quite a labor of love. This is the cover for it right up there, of course. We have several contributors to The Book who are going to be here tonight, and we'll be chatting with them. And it's very, very exciting. Did anyone buy The Book out there? You don't have to hold it up, sir.

I'll take you at your word. I and perhaps some other people will be signing books outside after the show if you care for that. And if you don't, fuck you, I guess. And fuck you anyway, too. Even if you do want it. I don't give a shit. We have a lot of great people here tonight. I hope you'll bear with us. There's a lot of people here tonight. So why don't we just get to it? You guys ready to start the show? I want the comfy chair.

Let's welcome our first guest. He has been on the show almost as long as it has been a show, ever since the Indy 103.1 days. You may know him as one of the hosts of How Did This Get Made. Please welcome Jason Mandzukas. What's up, jerks? How we doing? These chairs are absurd. What's absurd about them? Blanny, this is ridiculous. What is wrong with them? What are these? These are like jump seats from Top Gun. What?

Hey, Goose. This is absurd. As a man who has admitted to me that he cries every time he sees the scene where Goose dies. Yes, I do. You must be having flashbacks right now. God damn it. If I get into a flat spin tonight, I am, I swear to God, I am going to flip out.

Jason, wonderful to have you here. Thank you so much. Thrilled to be here, Scott. You said you needed me. I showed up. There's 700 people backstage. Did not need to leave the house. I could be tuning in to a live stream. Is there a live stream? No, there's not. I see. Got it. I don't quite remember the conversation where I said, I need you. You begged me.

You called me and you said, I got a huge favor to ask. Favor? You said, you got to do me a solid, bro. I don't think so. You called me bro. You said, you're my brother. I need my family there. Are you excited about Fast 10? Family.

Of course I am! Did I or did I not send you a video yesterday? Do you want to put it up? I don't think I can. Can you? I don't believe we can. Do you want to just show your phone to the audience? I'm sitting at home yesterday minding my goddamn business and I get a, I get a, I don't like it. I get, I get a video from you. This guy's cut himself into the Fast and Furious trailer.

This guy falls for every studio's dumb promo. I'm a character in it. I'm Oxcord. Oxcord. That's me driving. What car do you think you would drive if you were in the Fast and Furious? 1995 Hyundai. That works. Sonata? What is it?

Are you thinking of Frank Sinatra? A Hyundai Sonata? No, I thought we had moved on to a different subject. Oh, old blue eyes? Absolutely. Let's dig in. Why are you so far away from me? Did you want to? I thought we would be next to each other and then expand outward. You begged me to come. You didn't. Did he give me a seat assignment? Nope.

He chose a comfy seat. Now you're pissed I didn't choose one of the not comfy seats? When I'm arguably going to be on the stage just as long as you? Power play! You don't think I see...

Guess what? Look at me. I can do this. Can't do that on those. Now, a lot of conversation about the chairs, I have to say. A lot of it. Especially with one of the guests on the show is very concerned with the chairs. I would be too. And has been for years. I don't. And I have not heard the list. So this was a lot of conversation. I don't doubt it. Yeah. I don't doubt it, but I think. Yes. No, you go ahead. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you? Fuck you. What if nobody else came out? This was it? They would love it. What if nobody else came out? At what point would the audience start to be like, wait a second, what is this? What is this show? Is this a bro-down ho-down? It might be. Guess what? Put up the comics, Link. We're talking comics. Yeah.

Is this an episode of Drippin' Milk? This is the pilot episode of Drippin' Milk. Look under your seats.

There's milk for everyone. It's hot. You've got milk. You've got milk. And if you're wondering why it's body temp, don't ask. We got access. We got, oh, I was going to say the milk, but it's the beef. Yeah, the meats. The meats. The meats, yes. We got the milks. I don't like it, but I do love it. And what I mean by that is that sweet, sweet titty milk. Oh, yes. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

And this is a legitimate question. Have you ever sucked the milk out of a titty? The way you asked it. You won't see Rachel Maddow asking these types of questions. It's a hate crime. I would love to be on Rachel Maddow. Talking about this very subject. Have you ever asked if I've sucked that sweet titty milk? No, I've never. I have never. I've never tasted breast milk. Nor have I.

Tonight's the night. Somebody, statistics tell me somebody in this room is lactating. Raise your hand if you're making milk, ladies. I'm the first guest. I can't come out this hot. No, you can't. No, you got to cool it down. I got to cool it down. We got to start up slow. Boy, watch out. Yes, yes, yes. We have a lot of people on the show. Do we, though? Before we get to them, though. I'm nervous we might not anymore. A lot of people backstage, but I didn't know it was that kind of show.

Before we get to the show, I did want to talk about something very serious. Something that you wrote for the book, because this is the book release party. You are a published author. You're in the library of Congress. I want to bring up the first page of Jason's entry here in the book, if we could. Now, this is, of course, your... What would you call it? It's not even an alter ego. It's your real name. I'll tell you what.

I don't even know how to approach talking about this. I found writing it absolutely confusing. And talking about it here, for the show, I find absolutely bizarre. I'm not sure what way to take this. What I want to know is... Oh, yeah, what does Jeffrey think about it? Can I talk to Jeffrey?

Don't we have to bring somebody out? Can't I talk about titty milk more? All right, fine. Drop the Jason Mantuca's character. Oh, the aggro persona? Yeah, drop it and let's talk to Jeffrey just for a second. All right, how you doing, Scotty? Let's get to Jeffrey. I'm right here. You're still Jason. Let's get to Jeffrey. What if we did this for an hour? Just like Meisner. Can I talk to Jeffrey? Hey, Scott. Can I talk to Jeffrey?

Because right now I can tell you're Jason still pretending to be Jeffrey, but I want Jeffrey. Okay, got it. Yeah. Oh, I feel so vulnerable. Jeffrey. Hey, Scott. It's so great to talk to you. I haven't talked to you in years. It's really weird, actually. Yeah. I don't do this in front of people.

- How have you been? I mean, Jeffrey, this is, you've been in so deep for now over a decade at least. - Oh yeah. - 20 years? - It's like a Donnie Brasco scenario. - Now it's Jason again. - I don't know what to do! - You're too in, you're too in. - You're teasing me with the joke. - All right, forget it. Anyway, Jeffrey "Character" Wheaties, everyone.

That is a real headshot that I took. Yes. A real headshot that I took that is, that I never used. Never used? Never used, because I thought it looked ridiculous. You look very handsome. I'm listening. That's where it ends. All right. Fair enough. All right. Let's go to our first guest. What do you say? Oh, me? I'd love to. I thought you were, I thought you said it to them like they were going to be like, yay, I was getting ready to cheer.

Oh, if you're really asking me. Why are you here? Do it again. Do it again. Let's get to our first guest. What did you say? I'd rather not. Fair enough. You've given me too much power. I really want Jeffrey to come back. All right, let's get to him. He is an actor. We've never met this gentleman before. He's an actor. Please welcome, and I got to look up his name. This is bad stage work. I know. Are you, like, what are you, why are you on DoorDash?

Just getting something for after the show. Getting some lube delivered. Is that what you want to hear, Jason? Some DoorDash lube? Do they do that? Yeah, they have the generic brand, the DoorDash brand. DDL. He's an actor. We've never spoken to him before. He is not a contributor to the book, but please welcome to the stage Drew L. Barrymore. He's coming out. He's coming out.

Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Really appreciate that, everyone. Thank you. Hey, Scott, thank you so much for having me on the show. It's so wonderful to have you. Believe it or not, this is my first interview. I've never been interviewed before. I've been acting a long time. Ever, really? Yeah, I'm really... It's such an honor that you would decide to do it here. Well, no, I mean, you know, my publicist...

You have a publicist who's never gotten you an interview. Well, okay. Let's get into it. Okay. And let me answer the question that everyone is asking. Two foot one. Yeah. You walked out here. Yeah.

You walked out here, everyone saw you were a very diminutive person. Some people probably didn't see me at first. Yes. You are just shy of two foot two. That's right. Just under two foot two. For anyone listening at home, everybody in the room obviously knows this, but anybody listening at home now can understand visually what's happening. Yes. I am a small person. I am proportionate, though, so it really does look like

a person just shrunk down. Yeah, so I mean, you're not like a human chode. Well, thank you for saying that. I just mean, I mean, physically, you may be personality wise. I have no idea. Well, Scott, are you still pitching that as a superhero franchise? Oh my God. Kevin Feige will not listen to me. Who would you want to play the human chode?

Did I come out too soon? Sorry. Feels like you guys have, you're not ready to move on to new business yet. So, so Drew L. Barrymore, you're, you're an actor. You're a little person. I'm a proud actor. I come from a family of actors. The, the, the famous Barrymores? No, unfortunately not. But my dad, well, okay.

You've seen my work, even if you don't realize it. I'm in costumes a lot of the time. I'm like that Doug Jones guy, except I'm tiny. Doug Jones, for people who don't know him, he's very, very tall, very thin. He plays a lot of monsters in movies. Yeah. And I play a lot of... I don't know that he plays weirdos. Oh, I know that he does. Yeah.

He plays monsters, but they're usually misunderstood. You don't think monsters are weird? Well, they're misunderstood. I mean, the lady in the water. But they're monsters. She falls in love with it. No, not the lady in the water. It's the shape of water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm thinking of a different monster. Yes. M. Night Shyamalan. That's right. What a twist. Anyway, this reminds me of when I was in that movie, The Vovich. And...

You were in the Vivitch. That's incredible. I saw that. I played the back half of Black Phillip, the evil satanic goat. Hey, that goat, I hated to see him leave, but I love to watch him walk away. That is your work. I hear you. You want to have sex with a goat?

So what are some of the other roles that you play? Well, the biggest one I'm doing right now, of course, is Grogu. I play Grogu on The Mandalorian. This is Grogu! Holy shit. I mean, the finale for season three just aired, and we're going to talk about everything that happened in it. So if you haven't watched it yet, fuck you. So that must have been hard doing the death scene. All I'm going to say is, don't count Grogu out. LAUGHTER

But he is dead. No, he's dead, but don't count him out. And it's so funny you say that. I should have known because the minute you stepped out and started talking, I was like, where do I know this voice from? Like when you saw me walk out onto the stage. Almost as if you were a marionette. And at times, you also do a little bit of this. Yes, that's right. A little bit of Kermit the Frog in you. That's right, yeah.

So, yeah, that is a great part. And listen, I'm no Pedro Pascal. I'm in that suit every single time. It's always me. I love Pedro. That's not a diss on him. He's a great guy. How has he ever been in the suit? Yeah, he got in it for the first episode, and then he said, uh-uh, and he got right out.

And I heard that it's AI doing his voice and just chat GPT, right? Solve the lines? Yes, that's right. Like, what would the Mandalorian say now? It's a long shoot day. It's a long shoot day. It's almost always this is the way. Yeah, that's right.

That's an incredible part. Congratulations to L. Barrymore. Thank you very much. Thank you. Emotionally incredible. So impactful. It's acting that I don't get to do that often. Of course, the other big gig that I have going right now is I'm the current Pillsbury Doughboy. Are you still getting poked in the tummy?

If when I tell people, usually what people see me. Is this like a Houdini experience where you know how. You have to warn me first. Yes, exactly. Because he died by someone punching him in the stomach without warning. They didn't warn him. Out of curiosity, just in case that does happen. Yeah. Have you told your spouse a secret word so that if you end up on the other side, you can use that secret word to let your spouse know that you've crossed over. Yes, of course I have. Through a medium. Yes, of course I have.

Thank you for answering that. My wife and I are both ardent skeptics. But should the possibility exist that you can talk from beyond the grave, the word I'd said she'd know me by is...

So that's, obviously, that's the signature line from the Pillsbury Doughboy. So you are pretty sure that somehow you will be killed as the Doughboy? Or somehow in service of that character? No, the two are not connected. Oh, we didn't see. Really? So the who, who, who, which is one hyphenated word? Who, who, who. Usually people don't grasp it that quickly, but that was perfect. And then you just speed it up. Yeah, it's written in the scripts.

as who, who, who. And then on the day, you know, the director will say, but faster. Just toss it on. And then I'll put it on. Yeah, do it like you don't even care. Wow. So you're the, what happened to the previous? Oh, he died. You know, the people that can fit into that costume are not long-lived people. And you would think like the opposite of tall people because tall people are like Great Danes. Like they only live so long.

Because the heart just doesn't have the strength to keep that body going. Exactly. And so after a while, tall people, their body just shuts down. It has a way of shutting the whole thing down. Like a light. Like a light.

You never hear about the Pillsbury Dough Man. No, he's forever a boy. Yeah, always a boy. Much like Pinocchio. I mean, the Jolly Green Giant has Sprout, but the Doughboy's got nothing. Do you think Sprout is going to grow up to be as tall as the Giant? Audience has no idea what these references are. Oh, that's right. Jolly Green Giant and Sprout, zero. Imagine a commercial campaign that felt like, we're losing him, we better introduce a cute kid.

Also, imagine a commercial campaign. That isn't Geico? Yeah. What do you think of Flo? Are you in competition with Flo? I love Flo. No, I'm not in competition with her. You're not? No. Why would I be? Because you're in commercials, she's in commercials. But they're commercials for different things. Sure. Do you think people are saying, should I get insurance or Crescent Rules? Woo! Woo!

You're making me hungry just thinking about it. I will tell you this, though. Yeah. I don't like the expanded Flo-niverse. Oh, this is a take. When that Jamie starts to star in the commercials, uh-uh, give me Flo or give me death. I'm also, I'm on board. I'm going to go out on a limb and say, these are so successful, let us watch Flo and Ham fuck.

If you're going to set it up that Ham's obsessed with Flo and that he wants to date her and they're going to be a couple, put it online. Why not have ads for Progressive on Pornhub? If you want to see the whole story. Yeah, if you want to see the whole story. If you want it better, if you want to see what happens next, go to Pornhub because the commercials there are the sex tape of Flo and Ham. Yeah. Right. Ham Flo. You agree with this. Ham Flo, absolutely. Hashtag Ham Flo. Yeah, no, I sign off on this. I co-sign.

I do like to watch Flo negging that guy. Flo knows what she's doing. Yeah, take him down a peg. If Flo were to be in a cross campaign with you, would that be fun? Oh, I would love that. I mean, I would love it if, well, she's progressive. The gecko is Geico. Yeah. I mean, you know how- The general. You got the general. The general is still- Animated. He's animated. He's animated.

So is the Geico... No, he's not, son. Oh, wow. Wait, wait, wait. Have you played the Geico Gecko? I auditioned to play the Geico Gecko. Who got it? One of my best friends got it. Really? Who's that? A guy named Brad R. Pitt. You didn't say Brad Arm Pitt, right? You said R. Pitt? God, I hope I didn't. That would be... I didn't mean to. Hey, I'm sorry, Brad.

He's heard that all his life, Brad Armpit. And then, of course, I always get Drool Barrymore. Funny stuff. Well, I don't think it's funny. Oh, sorry. I think it's mean and hurtful. Sorry, I didn't mean to insult you. Yeah, what a weird take from you. I beg your pardon. I really want to apologize. I'm sorry. I accept your apology. I think you're a great guy. We're friends. We're friends, of course. You forgive, but you never forget. Is that right? That's true.

I heard that little people have memories like a steel trap. Is that right? Where'd you hear that from? I can't remember. I don't know if that's a generalization. You should be just floating. What's that? I said, I don't know if that's a generalization. You should just be floating. You're too far away. We can't understand what you're saying. There is one monitor over there. Who's that for? Me. It's for you? I don't know. I think that's the only monitor on stage for all of us. Should we move closer to it? Should we all be right next to it?

Well, so what are you working on now? I mean, obviously Grogu. Obviously the Mandalorian, yeah. I'm trying to get my dad involved. Maybe he could play one of those little ha-ha guys. I forget what they're called. They're, oh man, I just said it today. Babu Frick was the most, yes. Oh, the Anzellans? Anzellans, yeah. You know, my dad hasn't worked in a while. Who's your dad? He was one of the Ghoulies.

The monsters that came up out of the toilet? Well, he was the monster that came up out of the toilet. They cut him out of the film. They did use that image for the poster. No! Yes, but you do not see a ghoulie come up out of the toilet in the film. I know, it's so disappointing. It's, of course, when you see that poster, you're thinking, oh boy, this is going to be good. That ghoulie's going to eat ass. Somebody's going to be voiding their bladder or bowels and be attacked by a ghoulie. I'm still afraid one's going to jump in my butt.

Well, you should be. It worked. The poster worked. I mean, we didn't think dinosaurs were real, and then they turned out to be true. That's a good point. I'm diagramming it in my head, and I think it worked. Yeah, absolutely. It did turn out to be true. They turned out to be true. But until maybe five years ago, we didn't know they had feathers. No. Remember, we thought they had multiple brains? Some of them had brains in the front, brains in the back. And now we know they're all birds.

They're all birds. They're all birds. That means Big Bird is a dinosaur, and isn't that terrifying? That would actually make a lot more sense. That would help me as a kid make sense of Big Bird, because otherwise, this is chaos. Is Snuffleupagus real, or is he not real? He's real to me, Scott. And in the early days when Big Bird would refer to Snuffleupagus and no one else could see him, and they called him Big Bird's imaginary friend...

That was very frustrating for me as a child. Yeah, because we see him. I knew he existed. And then Gordon comes in here and makes Big Bird doubt his very senses? But since then, they now have established that he's real and Gordon has died, right? They've all died. Yeah. Luis, dead. Mr. Hooper, dead.

Do we have a graphic for this? Bob, dead. Just red X's over their faces. Can we get the graphic that's all the Sesame Street regulars who are dead? Yeah. Show my yarn board. Easy reader, still alive. Electric Company. Yeah. That's because he wasn't on Sesame Street. Electric Company did not gaslight anyone. Everybody from Electric Company is widely known to be immortal. Yes, that's right. Rita Moreno? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course. Absolutely.

You know, her name sounds like Readum Moreno. Does it? Yeah, in a way. If you say it like that, it does. Which is good advice for kids. Readum Moreno. Is that a play on something? I don't know. I'd like to dig in on this more. Sure. What do you got? What do you mean by that? Not sure. Readum Moreno? Well, it's like Readum and Weep. Now, I'm so glad we went further.

Because now you're really in the weeds. I'm firing on all cylinders right now. Read them and weep? Read them and weep. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Why, what did you... You've heard that expression. Well, yes, sure. Read them and weep? Yes. But you're saying that's like Rita... Read them... Moreno. Moreno. Yeah. Uh-huh. No, no, no. I want to keep going. What if her name was Rita Mendweep? Oh.

Man-weep. Man-dweep. Man-dweep. Yes. Or men-weep. Read a men-weep. Read a men-weep? Men-weep. I did when I watched Grogu die in this week's Mandalorian. That's true. He's a grown man. You read them side titles, and then you wept. I wept. The subtitles say Grogu dies. Yeah. Like Shakespeare.

Shakespeare's dead too, yeah. Yeah, he is. One of the world's most famous dead people. Shakespeare, dead. Luis, dead. Gordon, dead. Marlow? Actually, Gordon might still be alive. I don't know. Is he still alive? God, I hope not. Gordon? Some people are saying no. Some people are saying, I don't know. Everyone get your phones out. Everybody's Googling, is Gordon dead? Gordon dead, question mark?

Gordon's for sure dead. It was so interesting because I think he died on air. And he had a heart attack and it was early in the season. Everyone was like, I can't believe it's only the third episode of this season. Can I tell you the heartbreaking story that goes along with that?

is that while Gordon was having a heart attack, the only person that saw him was Snuffleupagus. Yeah. And he kept calling for help, but none of the adults could see him. Right. And so Gordon died. Right. That's a good point. Hey, Scott, I got what you were doing earlier just now. Thank you. Yeah. You looked at me with a look of confusion. Oh, I had no idea, but now I'm all up to speed. Hey, we're friends. Hey, we're friends. I like you. I like you so much. We have a good time together. All right, good. Anything else going on in your life? Yeah. Um...

I'm going to be doing real life Elf on the Shelf. This is almost like cameo, kind of. If you pay me a certain amount of money, I will come to your home, I will sit somewhere in your living room, and I will spy on your children. I didn't realize Elf on the Shelf was almost like a nanny cam. No, he's a narc. Oh. Elf on the Shelf, ACAB applies to Elf on the Shelf. It does, really? Yes.

Santa doesn't need Elf on the Shelf. He can see everything. What does he need? You know what I mean? He's keeping track of it himself. Well, he sees when people are sleeping. He sees when people are sleeping, but he knows when they're awake. Yeah, exactly. So my question, and Santa's not here, but... He has explained it, though. He's explained it, but... He's explained it in the book. How does he... He has explained it in the book. You're right. I would say by the book. But are we sure his list is correct? You haven't read this book, have you? I may not have read the book at this point. Because I read it.

I was at the airport. I was coming back from Tunisia where we shoot The Mandalorian. I had no idea. I thought it was down in Long Beach. Oh, no, no, no, no. Really? Tunisia is the Star Wars good luck spot. And so I was in the airport. I was looking for the latest Richard North Patterson. And I said, whoa, what's this? Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book? That's impossible. You thought it was impossible because you thought we would never achieve it? Oh, I see. But also I thought you'd never achieve it. Okay.

But I paged through it, and it was really terrific. I loved the Santa Claus part. Yeah. What else did I like? I liked the section on Alan Peterson. So you had heard about the podcast before seeing the book. You'd heard about the podcast? Oh, a long-time fan, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. So is that why you requested to be on the show? That's right. You were mentioning your PR person. Yes, I was. LAUGHTER

What happens is, you know, my publicist will say, you know, try to get me booked on a show or something, Kelly and whoever it is now. Sure. It's so funny that it's her husband now. It's like the guy searching for the Jeopardy host. Oh, who's it going to be? Oh, me? See, here's how I read it. Here's how I read it. Yeah. This husband doesn't want to do this job because he would have been doing it already. That's a good point. You know what I mean? She's had, like, many hosts to go through.

And they all keep leaving. And I'm sure the husband was like, please don't ask me, please don't ask me, please don't ask me. And then it finally came down to him. And now they're giving interviews about how they have sex. What? Some magazine was like, here's our sex secrets. I was like, what? I don't want to know that. Let's keep them secret. Yeah. You guys seem to know a lot about this. This is a staggering amount of information you guys have. For Kelly Ripa? About the Kelly Ripa show. The Ripaverse? The Ripaverse.

Well, what don't you know? And maybe we can fill you in. Let's fill you in. Well, I would, I mean, I would love to know, did Ryan Seacrest leave acrimoniously? Or was it a conscious uncoupling? I can answer that. Yeah. Ryan Seacrest is four little guys in a Ryan Seacrest costume. What? Do you know those guys? Of course I do. This makes sense. Is it the rest of the Enzelens? No, it's, two of them are Enzelens, yes. That makes sense, because he does go, no squeezy, a lot.

That's right. You have to see these guys at every audition, I would imagine. Oh, my God. I mean, like, we're a little family, you know what I mean, in a way? Because we do see each other a lot, and we all trade stories, and we all just commiserate on the vagaries of the biz. And, of course, we all, in a certain sense, despise each other because...

There's so few jobs for us. Yeah. And those guys that lucked into that Ryan Seacrest thing, there's some... But again, it's behind-the-scenes work, and you don't really get praised for that. But two guys with the arms, two guys with the legs, they all pitched in controlling the torso and head. So, like, one of them has a lever to do the jaw? Left-arm guy, he could do the jaw. Right-arm guy does the eyes back and forth. LAUGHTER

I wonder, because when you watch him on American Idol, he's very shifty-eyed. He's always just going like this. Well, it's also hard because he has a radio program. He's got Idol. He's got so many, the morning show, so many gigs to think that that's not just one man having to do all that. That is a whole team. Having to coordinate their schedules. Yeah, yeah. Well, only the one guy has to do the radio show because nobody can see it. So he's the guy that gets to do the talking. Okay. And he gets paid a little bit extra to do the radio show, which the...

The other arm and two legs are not happy about it. They're not happy about it, yeah. Would they show up to the radio show if they all split the money? Yeah, they're like, hey, just in case. Let me take a turn. It's like, well, you don't sound like the Ryan Seacrest voice. Maybe his jaw would be clicking, you know? Never mind. Yeah, maybe he's got TMJ. Maybe he needs to get a night guard.

Well, Drew L. Barrymore, so fascinating to talk to you. Hey, man, that's where you're going to leave it? Thank you. Well, there's a lot of people on the show. There's a lot of people on the show. A lot of people on the show. And thank you. This is my first interview I really... Do you mind sticking around, though? Because I could use you... Okay. I mean, I phrase it like, do you mind? But honestly... Oh, but it's a command. Yes. Stick around. All right. I obey you, master.

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Please welcome Dalton Wilcox. - I'll sit on a wooden chair, thank you very much. I ain't sitting on one of these city slicking orange leather pieces of shit. I ain't never seen a goddamn orange cow. You ought to try traveling to the world of Mandalore. Fuck that, you know I tried to watch that "Mandalinian."

Oh, yeah. You've watched quite a bit of it, actually. I've heard you talk about it. I have. Somebody told me it was a Western. Somebody said, he's basically a space Western. Bullshit. I bailed on it. You are not watching The Mandalorian. I am no longer watching The Mandalorian. Are you really that gro-gro? I am. Don't hit me too hard. You're adorable. I'll tell you what. Thanks, man. Why are you still in the show? This is what I didn't understand about the show. What's it about this season? Why he still has that baby? I...

He tried to get rid of them. Yeah. He did, right? He came back. Has he just fallen in love with that baby? Do you have family? I mean, we've never talked about this, I don't think. Do I have family? Do you have children? Well, I don't think so. Hey, by the way, the shape of water is definitely a monster.

Hey, no disagreement here. And I killed him. Oh, what? I did. You killed the Shape of Water? I killed the Shape of Water. Wow. The fish man himself? Yeah, the Shape of Water. What happened? Well, I went to the... Where'd you meet him? I'll tell you the story. How did this happen? Here comes. When did it happen? How did it happen? Where did it happen? I have all that information ready to go. I would, I for one, would love to hear it. Really? I'd love to hear it. Then shut up!

Yeah, Jason, come on, man. I'm so, so sorry. Just this past Monday. Wasn't that movie out eight years ago? Is there a statute of limitations on killing a monster? Yeah, no kiddin'.

Got a goddamn shape of water walking around. Within award season, you have to kill the monster? Yeah, come on now. What do you think? If you saw Frankenstein, you'd be like, oh, he hasn't worked in a while, so I feel bad. Oh, yeah. I feel bad killing him. Public domain monster? Forget about it. Old Mary Shelley wrote about him a long time ago. I guess I'll let him rampage. Bullshit. Just this past Monday, I went to the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage. Yeah. The only museum I've been to with a giant train in the middle of it.

Oh, no, you'll see that frequently. You ever went to the train museum? All right. Travel town. There's plenty of places to see trains, my friend. The Franklin Institute. The Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. Listen up. I went to the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage on Monday. Now, this must have been a very difficult decision for you because...

On the one hand, Gene Autry. Yeah. You know, a famous cowboy. Okay, I will go ahead and picture Gene Autry on one of my hands. Right. But then...

But then on the other hand, a museum is a very city-slicken place to be at. Yeah, that's true. And that museum is literally in this city. It is in a goddamn city. That's true. Is there an alternate term for museum that's more Western-friendly than museum? Yeah, I sometimes call it the Gene Autry place where they keep cowboy stuff. That's better. That's a lot better. Also, every time I go there, I make sure and smash something. Oh. Ha ha ha ha.

What'd you smash this time, by the way? Well, here's where it gets complicated. Just this past Monday, I went to the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage, and I walked up to the gate, and a fella told me, sir, the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage is closed on Mondays. And that was the goddamn shape of water. Was he swimming in a tank or something, or? You are so naive. You think if you don't see the shape of water in water, it's not the shape of water?

Come on now, fool. I am curious how you knew it was him. Did something like that happen? What? Wasn't that the thing that was like, oh. Did he have a fish vagina in that movie? No, I think he had a fish dick. Didn't his dick come out? What? I believe that he had a cloaca. Thank you. He had a cloaca, but no, it wasn't necessary for him to open his cloaca for me to recognize him. I knew it was a goddamn shape of water, and I asked him, I says...

Are you a goddamn Shape of Water? Why was this on your mind eight years later? Well, funny enough, I had just watched The Shape of Water. Oh, okay. Did you enjoy it? I thought it was real good until The Shape of Water showed up. Sure. It's about a sad woman? Yeah, about a sad woman. Which is your kind of movie. I like them sad, I tell you what. They told me, they says, you know...

Simultaneously. We both just said the exact same sentence. Who did, you and me? No. No, it's kind of just said, which is your kind of woman. We'll buy each other a Coke, I guess. Yeah. That seems like a very city-slicking thing to do. I ain't never drank a goddamn Coke. What's your pleasure, Sarsaparilla? It'll be a whiskey in a broken glass. Hey, you ever drink titty milk? No.

I'd love to hear this answer. Sure, I have. You know every mammal makes titty milk. Sure. I have nipples. Can you milk me? Yeah, yeah. I've had the milk of lots of different animals, but I really don't want to go into it. I got one question, though, before we move on. Fine. You can make cheese from a lot of different animal milks. Yeah. What about people? Human cheese. Yeah.

You can make it. Have you made it? Well, yeah, but I normally stop at butter. It takes too much patience and discipline to get all the way to cheese. Well, it's incredible that you just killed a shape of water. Thank you. And were you able to then go into the museum? Oh, yes, I did, yeah. And what did you smash? I smashed a glass case that had a painting in it, and then I took the painting.

What's it a painting of? Do you mind? It is a painting of a beautiful western scene of mountains and a hillside and some native peoples of indigenous peoples. How very... Thank you. I'm doing my best, you know. Is this a change in your show? Yeah, that's right. I've received enough goddamn emails. Now I...

I know it is native peoples of indigenous peoples. Dalton, you receive emails? I do receive emails. I go to the public library like everybody else and I say, show me my damned emails.

They're used to you by them. And if you ask, they have to show them to you. Oh, they goddamn do. I pay my taxes. Not really. Taxation is theft. It sure is, goddamn it. Yep, that's right. Come on out to the Dalton Wilcox Ranch if you want to collect your taxes and good luck. You best come armed. Well, you know, those 86,000 IRS agents, they are armed. Oh, yeah. I believe they're going to be hired over a period of 10 years. You know, one of the things...

I know a lot about this, Dom. I do, I do. One of the things that I like about the Gene Autry Museum is there's a lot of costumes there, a lot of Western wear, and all of them are very tiny. And they're not, they're still too big for me, but I like to imagine there used to be a world where a guy like me could almost wear an off-the-rack suit of clothes.

You're saying you see the clothes that's on the dummies and they look small? Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. Well, that's a little bit of city slicking bullshit. What? That's what they do. They take it in on the dummies so that you'll say, boy, Gene Autry was tiny. Bullshit. Well, that's an interesting point. Like, how big was Gene Autry? Gigantic. He's a goddamn cowboy. That guy could wrestle a steer down the ground. You think he was teeny tiny? No way. I have a question. All right.

Paul Bunyan. Paul Bunyan. That's not a question, asshole. Fucking idiot. He got you there. What a moron. Hold on. You didn't even go up. I wasn't finished. He is right. I was not finished, though. Okay. Was he a monster? Oh, was Paul Bunyan a monster? I mean. And a sub-question. Yeah. What about Babe the Blue Ox? Okay. I'd say take the second one first. Okay.

Seems very easy. The second one is easier. Babe, the blue ox. A blue ox? That's a monster. Okay. Paul Bunyan. That's how big was they say Paul Bunyan's supposed to be? I think he was as tall as a giant tree, so he must be 50. He's Jolly Green Giant size? Yeah, 50 feet tall at least. That's a monster. So 50 and above is a monster? No, no, 25 and above is a monster.

He didn't even need to keep growing them extra 25. So if you're 24-6... 24-6, I'll give you a dirty look, but I'll let you go. So if you're out there, if you're out riding your horse, and you come upon...

A 25-foot-tall man or larger. Yeah. You're taking him down. Hell yeah, goddammit. Even if he's chopping down trees with his giant axe, you're not at all worried about that. I don't care what he's doing. The giant or the axe, the worse. I'll kill him. I will. I'll kill him. I'll kill him. What would your method be to kill a 25-foot-tall man or a 50-foot-tall man? Well, Bible says... Or a 40-foot-tall man. Hey, I got to ask about a 36-foot-tall man. LAUGHTER

Gentlemen, this answer applies to any man 25 feet or above. Bible says rock and a slingshot. Of course it does. Of course it does. Of course. Yep. That's what you do. How tall was Goliath? Pretty damn tall. Scott, I'm mad at you. Oh. Okay. Dalton, what? Dalton, we're friends. Not anymore, you asshole. Okay. What?

I'm with Dalton. Why are you... This is not a night to be mad. This is a night of celebration. We have the book. Because your goddamn book? Yeah. Well, okay. First, I'm going to tell you my beef with you. Then, I'm going to tell you the new title of your book. Okay.

As you know, I am the author of You Must Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse, and other poems and observations from a life on the range, as well as the follow-up book, You Still Have to Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse, and even more poems and additional observations from a life still being lived on the range by Dalton Wilcox, who also wrote the last book by Dalton Wilcox.

I was wondering why you were clutching that book all night. The first title, you got down. The second one, though, you had to check in on four times. Yep, that title has been proclaimed unmemorizable. By Fred Guinness? You don't know who Fred Guinness is yet. But when you do, you're going to fucking shit. All right, but now, God damn it, here's the problem.

You see that picture up there? That's fine. Whatever. That's a goddamn drawing of me. I like it. Yeah. But what else is in this book, Scott, regarding Dalton Wilcox? What else do you tell motherfuckers? It's been a minute since I looked at it. Oh, it's been a minute since you looked at it. You stole one of my poems out of my goddamn notebook and put it in your book. Yes, he did.

Yeah, I left my notebook over... You left your notebook at my house. Yeah, I did. I didn't say, please go through my notebook and steal some of the pages out to put in your book. I wrote a beautiful poem called The Earth Gave Me Crabs. It is a beautiful, beautiful follow-up to my classic work, A Lonesome Cowboy, which is a poem about fucking a hole in the ground. And you goddamn tore out the pages of my notebook and put it in your goddamn book.

Yes. Technically. Good. Technically. What's the other part of it? There is no other part of it. Okay. I did it. So technically and otherwise, he's admitted to a crime. I don't know that it's a crime because possession is nine-tenths of the law. Yeah, exactly. Would you like to hear the... That works out on my end. No, I don't think so. If you're possessed, I'm going to kill you. Okay. I'm sorry, sir.

The new title of your goddamn book is now called I Don't Even Know What a Horse Is and Other Dumb Fucking Things a City Slicker Says. Featuring supposed to be humorous observations but aren't and one stolen poem written by Dalton Wilcox by Scott Aukerman who stole the poem. So look for that in local bookstores and on Amazon. That's right. Available for pre-order at B. Dalton. I'm sorry.

Hey, can I get it at that weird bookstore on Franklin Avenue that is inexplicably still open? The Skylight Books? No. No, no, you're talking about... Counterpoint. Counterpoint Records. Yeah. Counterpoint Books. Yeah, the one next to UCB. Yeah. I believe they have records too, don't they? They do. Nobody's been in there in 33 years. Look, Dalton, if I may... All right.

The reason I stole your poem is because... Oh, this ought to be good. I love something that starts with the reason I stole. Oh, my God. He admitted it. He admitted it. What is the reason you committed the crime of stealing? But he's already admitted it. He said the reason I stole. Case closed. The reason I did it is because, Dalton, I know you were telling me when you were over that day that you've had a lot of trouble getting published. Well, okay, yes. And... I have an incompetent publisher of books.

And I was making this book, and I saw an opportunity for you to be part of the book, and I thought... Oh, my goodness. ...that I wanted you to be part of it because I want people to read your work. You're going to make me cry. The tears of a cowboy are a precious thing, so I don't take that lightly. You don't understand. If you make me cry, it means that you're a werewolf.

What's incredibly generous about that, and I will say you did, obviously you've admitted to stealing this, but in doing so, you've given an incredible gift to Dalton. Dalton, you must be excited you got the $15,000 that we all got to write pieces for the book. I beg your pardon? I ain't received a goddamn thing. Sorry, I'm sorry. We all got, every contributor got $15,000. Son of a bitch. I even got $15,000. I'm not in the book. What?

He's just a new guy. When I think of all the... This is my only appearance. Really? Yes. When I think of all the jerky I could buy for $15,000, I could fill my jerky vault again. It's almost empty. Are you buying jerky? Make it. I'm heavily invested in jerky. Make it. Crypto jerky. Yeah. I have some of them NTF jerky. Jerky jerky.

Do you think that, because you've been fucking the earth. Yeah, non-transferable fungus. Dalton, you've been fucking the earth for years. I beg your pardon? You've been fucking the earth, a hole in the ground, for years. That's correct. But only recently did you get crabs from it. Do you think that's due to global warming? How do you feel about global warming? Well, I'm sure it ain't happening. Okay.

Because I'll tell you, once you get your picker in the ground, you feel how cold it really is. Is that the allure? Sure is, my friend. It's nice to boil up some water on a campfire and use that to dampen the earth. Go on. Can we turn the lights down or give him a spot? I'll wait. A mad scramble in the booth. When the cowboy's lonesome out there on the road.

The only thing he has to keep him company is his campfire and his horse who's had enough. And his pecker starts telling me, it's time, Dalton, it's time. That cowboy will dig a nice hole in the ground, burl up some water on the stove, on the campfire and a little pot there, pour that warm water into the hole and get to fucking. And he'll fuck the earth and she will enjoy it. And this one time I did get fucking crabs.

And it wasn't for goddamn global warning. It was because of goddamn too much city slickers is what it was. City slickers bringing their city crabs all over the goddamn country. Fucking city crabs. We can turn the lights up now. I don't think we need the spotlight anymore. You're saying that you're saying city slickers brought city crabs to the middle of the country where you happen to fuck the earth and left them there? Well, you make it sound stupid. LAUGHTER

But that's exactly what I'm saying. Try to make it sound smarter next time. That's what happened. Well, I believe you, and I wanted everyone to see the poem because I loved it. Okay. How does a cowboy get rid of crabs? Okay, well, he's got a, you know they've got sheep dip. You know what a sheep dip is. Of course I do. Of course I do. Huh? Huh?

Cowboys just got to go slosh around in the sheep dip, but for days and days. Sheep dip, if you don't know, it's a sheepicide. It's a sheepicide chemical for things that get on sheeps. What? Tell by the...

There ain't no cowboys here. What happened? Obviously, sheeps get things on them that's living on them in their sheep wool. So it's like a pesticide. There you go. It's but a bath. You give them a bath and you call it a sheep dip. You dip your sheep in the bath. And if a cowboy has crabs, he'll just ride a sheep into the sheep bath. I am so glad I asked.

And slosh around in there. But for a human and a bad case of the crabs, you've got to hang out in there for a couple days and take some of your meals in there. To answer your question. Thank you. What's the longest amount you ever were in the sheep dip? Well, I've had some bad cases of the crabs, my friends. And I've hung out in the sheep dip so long that the sheep dip ain't effective anymore. So they've had to re-dip it. Oh, no. You developed a tolerance for the sheep side. Yeah.

I do have some sheep-dip-tolerant crabs. But only like three or four of them, and I've come to like them. That's livable. On the topic of crabs, can I ask you, do you feel like Alaskan king crabs are monsters? Because they're so much bigger than other crabs. But they're tiny compared to humans, so it's... No, they're monsters. Oh, okay.

I'm glad I asked. Yeah, yeah. Because you know what it is? They walk sideways. I think that's all crap. Right. So all crabs are monsters. Oh, all crabs are monsters. If they walk sideways, that's a monster. So A-C-A-M.

ACAM. All crabs are monsters. Got it. Hey, that's a good way to remember that. I don't mean to be so coarse, but are you even including pubic lice? Of course I am. Hey, that's what we've been talking about this whole time. Well, I know, but they're not technically, they're not actually crabs. Oh, right. We just call them crabs because they give you a little pinch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they can be trained to walk sideways. Oh, yeah, the pubic lice circuses. Yeah.

You used to run one of those, didn't you, for a while? Yeah, I ran a pubic-like circus. I would just travel around by wagon to whatever town was looking for some fun. Roll up, roll up, roll up. Here comes the pubic-like circus. Did you have... Ma, Pa, the pubic-like circus is coming to town. That's what the kids would cry. Yeah, and then Ma and Pa... Drew's very engaged by this. You're acting out characters. Very excited to do an act out.

It's not a good idea to ask Ma and Pa if you can go to the pubic circus. They usually say no.

Just go. Just go. Well, Dalton, I'm so glad you're part of the book, even though it seems you're very upset about it. I don't think we're changing the title, but it's going to be out next week. But I'm so glad you're a part of it. And if we do another one, I would love for you to just give me a poem. Rather than accidentally leave it where you can steal it? Wait, is that what happened? Yeah.

And are you willing to say, Scott, that you're going to give Dalton the 15 grand that he so righteously deserves?

He would have to give me the poem in order to get the $15,000. Well, I can't anymore. You already stole it. How am I supposed to get it? That is city slicker logic if ever I heard it. Sorry, Dalton. Matt, you just swindled me out of the farm all over again. What a Gordian knot. I'll tell you what. Well, okay, I will take $15,000 worth of jerky or whatever. Jerky equivalent? Yeah, I'll take the jerky equivalent.

Jerky or jerky equivalent. I believe I have some jerky equivalent back at the house. So I'm not sure if it's $15,000, but I'll get it to you. Sounds good. All right. All right. Very good. Dalton Wilcox, everyone.

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Yeah. I should move down? Yeah, why don't you move down? Obviously, Drew's not going to. Spoiler alert, the conversations about the chairs were with him. Were they conversations? No, it was more like a one-sided conversation at me. More like begging, pleading. Yep.

We have a very special guest now. She is represented in the book, I believe. You believe? Hey, we all have our own beliefs, right? Sure. Is it possible she was cut?

No, I believe that... Time in a book. We're running out of time. She was bumped. But she had her very own television program for a while. No, she was a guest on someone else's television program. I don't really remember the ins and outs of it. This intro is terrible. You want to take over? Ladies and gentlemen, Francesca Bones. Who is it? Chief! Oh, I'm sorry. Jesus. Chief, everyone. Chief. Chief.

Chief, I'm so sorry. What's up, Chief? Who was I bumped for? We can't hear ourselves. The monitors are very low, but that's all right. The audience can hear us, and that's all that matters at this point. Well, to the audience, I say, greetings, gumshoes. Yes. I missed the hat memo. She doesn't know she's wearing a hat.

You guys have very similar headgear. Oh, shit. I have the same hair that Viola Davis has in air. He saw that one early. I ain't seen it yet. You should check it out. They were going to call it hair, right? Scott, you know, there's already a film with that title. A musical, if you will. Oh, really? Are you a fan of musicals? I love musicals. What's your favorite musical? My favorite musical...

Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street. That is surprising to me. From the island of London. From the island of London town, home of Jack the Ripper. That would be so funny if Sweeney Todd and Jack the Ripper got together and had lunch. Hilarious. What would they eat, Scott? I'm thinking ham and cheese croissants. Why not? This thing writes itself. Feels like weird chat GPT right now.

Chief, what have you been up to? It's so good to see you. I mean, you've been off there traveling, I know, for a bit. We haven't seen you. Extremely far. I've gone to the ends of the world. The tops, the bottoms, the sides and the other sides. I've crossed the equator. One side is hot, one side is cold. It's like the McDLT of worlds. The McDLT. Ah, what a reference. LAUGHTER

I only know about it because I love 1980s commercial compilations on YouTube. I didn't know that was one of your interests. Yeah, hugely. When I'm not finding people, I watch 80s commercial compilations. That's right. You've been out off there trying to find people or really one certain person for a while. Yes. That twinkling twinkle toes, Carmen Sandiego. Have you ever...

It's really infrequent that we check in on that search. Have you ever thought, maybe she's in San Diego. It's right there in the name. Scott, don't be stupid. Why would she be there? There's nothing there. So you've never looked in San Diego? I'm constantly in San Diego. I love the Gaslamp District. All of those military boys in uniform.

Those crosswalks that are going every direction? Every direction, Scott. Crosswalks have no rhyme or reason. Please, ask. If you get to a... At what point will you give up searching for Carmen Sandiego? And if you never find Carmen Sandiego, what will happen? I can't speak in falsehoods.

I only speak truths. - Fair. - The day I stop searching for Carmen Sandiego is the day they put me in the ground and cover me with six feet of Georgia red clay. - You're gonna be dead, in other words. Is that what you're saying? - I'll be down there still looking. - Maybe she is dead. She might be dead. - It's possible that she's passed. - She might be dead, Chief. Have you ever thought about that? You've never found her. - She's not dead. - She's not dead. - I still smell her perfume everywhere I go.

That could be, just throwing it out there, your perfume, maybe? No, it's a symptom of long COVID. Chief, you had COVID? I can't get the smell out of, did I? 19 times. 19 times? Yes. I kept taking the Paxlovid and kept getting it again. Well, also, you were traveling all the time during the pandemic. Only got it in America. But you're an anti-masker, I was reading. Oh, I would never put on a mask.

Cover up these pearly whites, this beautiful nose. The rest? Where else do you wear a mask? Well, that's a terrible situation. I didn't know you had that, but I just worry about you, Chief, because you've been searching for, I mean, how long has it been? When did you and Rockapella get together? 1985. And the TV show started in 1990.

33 years. Chief, can I ask you, are Rockapella instrumental in the search at all? Do they help? They just provide entertainment when I get bored. Are they, are Rockapella still in the mix or have you moved on to like a Pentatonix or something like that? Nope, I'm staying true to the all male group. Rockapella, Pentatonix is too diverse for me. Pentatonix is too woke for you. Too woke. One thing Chief will always do is rebel against woke culture.

I did not realize that was part of your thing. That's the chief promise. This is, I mean, I've just, I've only heard this because Chief's on Rogan a lot, so I've heard it. You're on another podcast? Yes. I'm sorry, Scott, but you never provide the bubble kush that Joe Rogan provides. I'm sorry. We should all be high as kites up here right now. Smoking big cigars for no reason? Full of marijuana.

Chiefs, you want to look at your entry in the book here? Of course. Let's take a look at what you provided. Can everyone see that okay? Yeah. Might have thought the screen was going to be a little bit bigger, but... I'll tell you just so you feel better, we cannot read it from here.

Do you need me to read it? No, no, no. Its placement on the page is small. We have so much white space. Yeah. You couldn't even zoom? What the screen lacks in size, it certainly makes up for in being wrapped. That's a joke for us. I don't know that you can see it, but this is a memorandum, I believe, that you have issued. Is that correct? Yep. Okay. Turn it off.

Have you and Carmen Sandiego ever had like that De Niro and Pacino? What's that? I'm sorry, what'd you say? I was going to... I didn't let you finish. Let's back up. No, we'll let you finish. Say more. Oh, this is a Christian audience. I can tell. They don't want to hear the goings on. This is Margo. This is not a Christian audience. These are monsters. You're literally in goddamn Hollywood.

Monsters. Woke culture. Yeah. Tell, is that your ultimate goal is to make love with Carmen Sandriaga? Absolutely not, Scott. To bump nugs? Do you think, do you think you guys will ever have that kind of Where are the nugs located? And, and what are the nugs? The clit. The clit. You said the clit.

That's gross. Scott, that's gross. I was trying to be poetic before. But will you guys have some sort of Pacino, De Niro in heat meetup where you get to sit across the table from each other and... I have not seen the film. Give me another reference. It's fair. It's a question I genuinely would ask. Oh, my God.

And think, what would it have been that I wouldn't have seen? Yeah. It's like the man in the pair of sneakers in air. Ah. Now you're talking my language, Mr. Wilcox. By the way, I hope everyone does see it. Look out for Prototype B. You may see someone familiar. Oh, hey. Wow. Congrats. What do you think is going to happen when you actually see...

Carmen Sandiego, I mean, you've been searching for her for so long. I am an officer of the law. When I find... No applause. Woke culture. You don't love the police here at the Largo? Chief, you got to be careful. Don't antagonize them. They will defund your ass here. I get all of my money by selling things on Etsy. I'm listening. I'm an avid Etsy user. What do you got? What are you selling? On Etsy.

Dangling Los Angeles Dodger earrings. Okay. Dangling from what? The things that you put into your Crocs. Oh. Jibbits? Jibbits? Jibbits. Is that what it's called? You have jibbits. You don't even know? I said your feet. I thought it was funny. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why are you so far away? I like it. All right. I don't want to be closer to you. Oh, Jason. Jason.

You've done a real heel turn. I will not with this audience right now. Why not? His perfume smells amazing. This isn't how did this get made. People are on my side. Why are we talking at the same time? Just wait. There's going to be six more people on this stage in a matter of minutes. What, Scott? I don't know if you answered my question. What was it again?

Something about Carmen Sandiego, what are you going to do? You know, the stuff we always talk about. Are you committed to bringing her in alive? Absolutely. Oh, okay, good. That's the only way I'll get my comeuppance. I'm not some necrophiliac. Now, hang on a second, Chief. You just said a bunch of stuff I'd like to unpack. Let's go down the line and say what we think the word comeuppance means. And then we'll let the audience judge who's right.

Chief, do you think comeuppance is a type of payment? Yes. Like tuppence. Like a reward. Comeuppance, $10,000. Oh, so just slightly less than how much we all got paid to write for the book. Son of a bitch. But you're saying that you would like to make love with Carmen Sandiego? I'm not saying that at all. Well, because you said you weren't going to be a necrophiliac, which would mean you would make love to her. That just doesn't mean I don't want to carry around a dead body. Oh.

That's what that means and nothing else. But if I do catch her, I'm gonna smack that rump until it's bleeding dry. I'm gonna twist those nipples until they go back and go... Do you think Carmen Sandiego has that BBL? Absolutely. I paid for it. You paid for her Brazilian butt lift? Yes, with the money you gave me to write in this book. Wow.

I like we're calling back episodes that aren't going to be out for a week. Chief, at that point... These people here are going to love those callbacks when they hear the episode. I'm sorry, Drew. You have a lead on where she is if you're sending her the money, right? Don't ask questions I can't answer. I am not allowed to discuss the case as it is an open and shut case. If it were an open and shut case, wouldn't it be shut by now? No, that's how it works. The sheriff is not allowed to discuss closed cases.

Well, Chief, I mean, good luck to you. This is a decade-long quest. I mean, several decades. Several decades. 25 years, I believe. 33 years, Scott. What year are you living in? That's the last time somebody stepped into the Counterpoint bookstore. Oh, do you think that was related? Maybe it was. I mean, it was just both 33 years. Yeah, that's the age of Jesus as well.

I know, Scott. I'm a God-fearing woman. Not his age ever since he was born, just the age at... What? And here we are, but weeks past Easter. Yep. Weird guy, right? Like he leaves and then he comes back. That's your quote on Jesus? Weird guy, huh? Weird guy. But Dalton... What? Write that in the back of your books, folks.

Jesus. Weird guy. Scott. Dalton, Jesus is like, he came back to life. Uh-huh. Are you making the point that Jesus is a zombie? Yeah. Don't worry, I've taken care of it. Long time ago. Okay. My favorite part is like, he hangs out for a while after he comes back to life and then he just floats away into the air. That's your favorite part.

Hey, you know what I was... Your favorite part of Christianity. He was such a drama queen before that, like getting up on the cross and everything, and then he was just like, ba-ba! Hey, you know what I always wondered? What I always wondered is after he came back, what did the Romans say? Was there anybody like, wait, what happened? Do we have anything to worry about now? He said, I know that isn't who I think it is. LAUGHTER

Chief, I'm not going to lie. I thought you were talking about Carmen Sandiego. All right, Chief, everyone. Chief.

All right, let's get to our next guest. He is, I believe I met him, I'll move down. I believe I met him when he used to change the ice in the urinals at my favorite restaurant, Damiano's. Please welcome Randy Snuts. Let's get it, let's go. Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy.

Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy. I'm not going to say, hey, Randy. Randy, what's up? It's so good to see you. You have a box there. It's great to see you. Look, I never thought I'd be written down in the annals of history, let alone a popular book.

So I thought I'd one good turn deserves another, Scott. Don't you agree? I don't know that I agree with that. But if I don't agree, does that end whatever is about to happen? Yeah. It ends the whole fucking show. Really? Really? Anytime any of us disagrees, the show just ends right there? With a casual colloquialism like that? Yeah. Okay. Why? What do you have in the box? I have a gift for you, Scott. The box says my name on it. Yeah, it does. So that someone else wouldn't take it.

I guess I should have put my name on my poem. Scott, do you want to see what it is? Yeah, I would love to see what it is. Well, one good turn deserves another, so... You put me in your book, and I put you in my book. And this book is called Hentai Volume 1. It's a comic book. Or a zine, if you will. Manga. Manga? I think you're more of a hentai guy.

It's by Randy Snots. There's a big... You wrote this. I wrote this, yeah. I made this for Scott. Give it up. Yeah, thanks. So... The cover features, I guess this is some sort of octopus or squid or something. I don't know. This is a squid and his tongue is out because he's horny as fuck. This is volume one, so who knows? If you're a good boy, maybe you'll get volume two. That's very kind of you. Thank you so much. No, I'm going to read from it. Ha ha ha!

All right. We got to see what kind of adventure Scott gets up to in Hentai Volume 1. Wait, I'm a character in this book? Yeah, is that Scott? That's a character. That's not a direction. No, this is a giant squid. Trust me, this giant squid will show up later in the story. But it's just like one of those books you give for your kid where you put the kid's name in it? Yeah, this is a G-rated book. Yeah. I would love it, Randy, if genuinely you figured out a way to be able to sell that book.

I feel like a lot of people would buy that, maybe more than they're going to buy this book. We could do it for charity. What charity? Oh, no, my mom's name is Charity. Oh, okay. How's she doing, by the way? Charity Snuts. Say hello to her. How about you, Charity Snuts? This is like a Rita Moreno situation. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to start. All right, I'm going to start. This is page one. It says, I hope you're ready to jerk off, dear reader.

I'm excited. I mean, it really grabs you right from the beginning. Literally and figuratively. We should say don't, don't here in the audience. If you're alone listening to this, fine. But if you're here in the audience, don't get ready to jerk off. Yeah. Yeah. The dear reader in this is Scott. Okay. Yeah. So this page is going to grab Scott as hard as Scott's going to grab himself reading it.

How did the hentai thing start? Do you remember? You said it, and we were like, why would you say that right now? Of course you did. You're the guy who's door-dashing lube. Probably because there's a new hentai drop. I mean, maybe you saw some octopus at a formative age, and it turned you on. That's how finishes are born. Did you watch My Octopus Teacher? I did not, no. Interesting. I prefer The Octopus Students.

Wow. Wow. If we ever needed confirmation, there it is. Don't stand so close to me. What? 86. What a creep. Listen, you know what's really sad about that movie? I heard it being in the business. I heard a sad thing about My Octopus Teacher. It wasn't the same octopus ever. It was a different octopus every time. Audible gasps from the audience? Yeah. Guys, get it together.

Yeah, you can't recognize one octopus. It was the same octopus. It was a different octopus every time. Well, the one in this book is the same every time. All right, page two. One day, one day, an innocent older man named Scott Aukerman went out for a walk. And there he is saying, today is dot, dot, dot, rather good. Yeah.

So I like, I like the, I'm loving the book so far. I love the character development and I love that you start off, you start Scott off in a place of innocence. Yep. Look at him. He just combed his hair. He's getting his steps. It's hot girl summer. Okay. Scott, that's your whole thing. Hot girl, hot girl summer. Sure. Okay. Page three. When he saw a giant squid.

And then he's going, wah. And the squid is going, eh, eh, eh. And now question, Randy. My first question is, is that to scale? Yeah. Because is that a tree? It looks like a mushroom cloud. Is this in the Oppenheimer verse? Uh...

This is in Indiana Jones and King of the Crystal Skull. The best. The best of the movie. No, no, that's a tree. It's just perspective. It's in the background. It's in the deep background. Why didn't you put like a penny next to me or something like that? A penny next to you? For scale. That's your request? Or like a pencil or a ruler or something like that. I hope you brought this kind of nonsensical detail to your own book. I think we did.

Oh, good. All right. Okay, so when he saw the giant squid, Scott says, wah, and the horny giant squid goes, eh, eh, eh. Okay, page four. At first, he was scared, and Scott says, aye, aye, aye, I'm a coward. I've heard him say it. These are all quotes from Scott's real life. These are ripped from the headlines, Law & Order style. Oh, yeah, this is based on a true story, by the way. But then he got an idea, and Scott says, I have, I know what to do. I've heard you say that before. I know what to do.

Maybe, I mean, maybe not. Hey, man, show us that page. You're not going to show us this one page? What's that? Oh, this page. Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Coward. I know what to do. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Here comes the climactic page. Is this the final page? This is the final page. Wow. Okay. Last page. He had sex with a giant squid. Okay.

Wow. There's the squid. One of its tentacles is penetrating you right there. The squid's eyes are closed. Is it asleep? No, it's really feeling sexual. Oh, it's into it. It's feeling its sexual pleasure. Yeah, is that drool coming down the lips? Hey, good. Yeah. Notice how Scott picked that out immediately.

Scott was like, is that Drew on its lips? Ooh, is that Drew on the octopus's lips? We always tell on ourselves, Scott. Why does Drew have to be such a big part of sex? What's that, Drew? In my opinion, those three pages is a long time to be ready to jerk off.

So your rewrite, your pitch would be to... If you're taking notes. Earlier, or maybe earlier, say, start jerking off. Maybe a page that says, start now. Oh, no, I would move, get ready to jerk off until right before we see this last page. Gotcha, okay, so extra. All right, well, there's some dialogue here. You can see Scott's getting penetrated by the tentacle. Should Scott read it? Not a bad idea. To be honest, you want to read it?

I'll do the giant squid. It would make the most sense if Scott did the audio book. Okay. So you start there. That's your line. This orgasm is C+. And then the giant squid, who's got his eyes closed and is drooling profusely out of its mouth, the giant squid goes, then Scott says, call me hentai enjoyment. Wow. Wow.

Just what the doctor ordered. I'm as wet as the Bering Crossing. And then Scott's got one more line. This is my fuck style. Nice to know you're such a fan of all of the in-jokes. Absolutely, yeah. This is all canon, so if you're getting fucked by a giant squid, you know you're going to say all your catchphrases. Yeah.

And then I noticed there's a little tiny man down, I guess, is that like way down at the center of the earth? No, no, no, that's perspective. It's far away. That's me. You can see my arms are all ripped. I'm looking good. But you have tiny little twig legs. Well, yeah, I'm not taking a class on drawing fucking legs for this book. But for the record, for the record, Randy's legs are jacked as fuck. Oh, yeah. He's not scared of leg day. Don't skip leg day.

That boosts your tea. And then I'm saying, so I'm watching all this go down. Like, I was just walking in the park and I see this happen. And, of course, I go, dafook? Yeah. I didn't want to see this, you know? My eyeballs didn't sign up for this. And that's how hentai began. The end. Wow. Wow. Thank you, Randy. Yeah.

I like the pages are stapled together. Like you didn't quite know how long this was going to be or how many pages you were going to be able to achieve. Yeah, that's true. Well, I started it and I was like, you know, getting my jollies, getting all my tee hees while I was making it. You know, I was like, this is going to humiliate Scott. And then it just the story kind of took off. And I was like, I thought it was going to be two pages and it ended up being five. It's really it's really lovely. I don't like to I don't like to point it out, but it's basically the same plot as The Shape of Water.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, take it from a good friend of mine. If you want to imitate a show, just add I-N-G to the end of it. Anyway, that's a thinker for you CISO subscribers on the way home. Bajillion dollar properties, Zing? Yeah, that's a one. So if you see something that says hentai volume one, you'll be like, God damn it. Right. Well, this is great. Dalton, I have to ask a giant squid like this. Uh-huh.

Monster? Well, I didn't take a close enough look at the scale picture of the squid in the tree. Okay, do you want to hear? I'll pass it down to you. How giant a squid are we talking about? Do we need to draw a penny in so we understand? I don't know. Yeah, that's a monster. And what about someone who makes love with a monster like that? Oh, boy. Well, you're playing with fire because a half man, half monster would be a terrible thing to produce. You know what I'm saying? Do you only have sex to make children? Me and the earth?

Wait, are you saying you've only had sex with the earth? Oh, no, no, no. I've had sex with any number of whores. We call it sex workers as well. Oh, yeah. Shit, here come the goddamn emails. You're in trouble now. Yeah, yeah. I go to a sex worker house.

Go on and have sex with them sex workers that's there. I just, for the record, Scott's not making love in my zine. Oh, that's a sport fuck right there. You can see it on his face. He's drooling too. He didn't point that out.

It's a mutual drool situation. Yeah, absolutely. You're both getting your jollies. You're young. You're in your prime. And is this truly the origin story of hentai? Is this how hentai came to be? I think so. I think that's why Scott was always telling on himself, being like, you know, like it's one of those Mad Lib situations when it first came up. Scott could have said anything. He could have said FDR. He could have said automobiles. And instead he was like, hentai. Hentai.

That's a good impression. For the listener, that was Randy. That wasn't Scott who just screamed that. Hentai. Hentai? Hentai. We'll have to roll back the tape. I don't think that I could have said anything in that situation. I said hentai three times. You said it one of those times. What? What? What? What? Are you saying you've said hentai three times in your life? No. I mean, I said it a bunch of times while reading the zine. Then what are you talking about?

I was just riffing off what Jason said. We lost the thread in a great way.

That's how the show goes, losing the thread in a great way. That's right. Well, it's a great gift. I almost wish you would have completed that in time to be in the actual book. Yeah, I don't know if you probably would have sold more copies if it was in the actual book. You did write something for the book. Let's take a look. Randy Snutt's A Night of Scandalous Duplicity. This is a telling of a night that you spent. A sordid tale of...

devious snafus and duplicitous behavior. Situations normal, all fouled up? Absolutely. Scandal is afoot. And you know there were whippets involved.

Well, it's fantastic. And then we also get the other side of the story from your friends as well. Absolutely. Amber Pusateri and Stuart Knox. Shout out to the crew. Yep. And of course, there's an appearance by the devious Carissa. Of course. Yeah. Out of curiosity, where are you guys right now in your relationship, you and Carissa? We're off again right now. I'm back to sleeping in the limousine that I bought on Craigslist.

Is that one of the ones with the jacuzzi in the back? No. I mean, the trunk is wet. Hey. Asked and answered. Randy Snuts, everyone. All right. Let's get to our next guest. Here we go. Oh, great. Thank you so much. She is... Jason mentioned her before. She's from Italy. Please welcome Francesca Bolognese. Hey.

Wow. Oh my God, L.A. L.A. I love you, L.A. Wow. Thank you so much for giving me a seat. I just had to wait for 25 people to go and finally I can come up here and sit. All men. All men. Mostly white. Chief, how do you take that? Very offended.

It's great to see you, Francesca. It's so great to see you because I was so worried last time I see you. I don't remember. What was the last time we saw each other? Because I thought you were dead. I thought you died. You look so sick. You look like you were going to die. I don't remember. Where was this? This was at the anniversary show. I was like, he's going to die. I'm so worried. Wait, the one that hasn't come out yet? No. No.

Oh, this is last year. Yeah, this was last year. A whole year that I've not seen you. I haven't seen you in a year? I thought I saw you on tour. Oh, I guess maybe you see me on tour. Whatever. We'll wait while you guys work this out. Last time I see you, though, I was so worried you were going to die. So back to your thing. I get this phone call from you. Oh, Francesco, please, please come to the theater. Please, I need to talk about my book I did not write.

And for the listener, that's Francesca, even though it's a dead-on Scott Aukerman. Yeah, so he sounded just like Scott. My impression is so good. I am Scott. Well, you're right. I didn't write the book. A lot of people did, including you. In fact, we have a picture of Francesca Bolognese, Tips for Travel in Italy. You guys can read every word. Look.

You were gracious enough to write a lot of tips. That's mainly what you do. Not the tip. I do not give tip. I don't know how many fucking time I have to come here to tell you I don't give a tip. Okay? And I don't work. I'm not an expert in social media like you always say. I used to work in social media at one point. You did, yes. You worked for Bed Bath & Beyond. Yes. Not BBL. BBB.

BBL talk? Count me in. One, two. Cheeks. Chief's eyes lit up when we said BBL. Suddenly engaged. No, you worked for Bed Bath & Beyond and doing social media. Right. So if somebody would comment something on like a Tweety and they say something like, I went to Bed Bath & Beyond. A titty? You ever drink milk out of a titty, by the way?

Guys, in my home in Italy, in Century City, the... Italy. They keep a live... They keep a mommy in the back. I go and they nurse. That's how they make the parmigiano-reggiano. A mommy. They keep a mommy in the back. Mommy. My meat? Mom. He told on himself again. He said, my meat? We need to clear this up right away. Is there a goddamn mommy in Century City or not?

Like a daddy and a mommy. Mommy. Like Brendan Fraser in The Whale. The Whale. The Whale. Whales are very big. Are they monsters? I love The Whale. Oh my God, The Whale. It was so good. He was so fat. It was so good I cried. And I wrote, give the whale the win. Same thing I said.

So yeah, I comment on the Tweety and I say, I respond to them if they say something like, I don't know, for example, like, Ralph and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond with my cousin Vinny. My cousin Vinny? Ralph, Ralph and his cousin Vinny. Is it Ralph Maggio? This is Ralph Maggio. Is it possible it's Ralph Maggio? And we buy a lot of leather sheets.

Leather sheets? At Bed Bath & Beyond. For my cousin, he needs leather sheets because he's doing very important court case. This is because my cousin Vinny wore leather jackets? That would be so uncomfortable. It'd be so hot. And inside the leather sheets pockets, I find

Then I would respond something like, okay, Ralph Macchio, why you not take care of your cruddy kid? Go die in your dojo with your entire family. In front of your entire family? That's a terrible way to die. Oh, in the dojo? I know. I guess I meant in front of the family. I know, I know. You don't want to die in a dojo, do you? Die right here.

You don't want to die in a dojo, do you? You don't want to die in a dojo, do you? Red leather sheets, yellow leather sheets. Red leather sheets, yellow leather sheets. Ralph Macchio died in a dojo. Ralph Macchio died in a dojo. How have I hid my hentai? The comedian has a podcast.

That's your vocal warm-up? The comedian has a podcast with a lot of men. So that's, Francesca, that's what you used to do. Yes. And obviously you wrote this for the book, but what are you doing now? Well, I still work for BabyBeth and Beyond. Oh, what do you, I mean, what do you have to do now? Well, at first I want to say, everything is fine. Yeah, we heard they're going out of business. We are good. Okay, Tracy.

I heard they gave out too many of those coupons and now they're out of business. Yes, they gave too many coupons away and now 87 stores are closed and they're filing bankruptcy in like an hour. Fine, we are good. In fact, we are opening a new store in LA. Oh wow. Congratulations. Oh my God, look under your seat. I don't think we were able, no, we didn't get word about this. I think it's just the milk.

- Yeah, we couldn't fit the coupons and the milk, so we just opted for the milk. - Okay, so everybody look for your big glass of milk from Italy, from the mommy titty. It's so fresh. - So what are you doing for Bed Bath & Beyond now? - Okay, so now we're doing a, we need to make a Bed Bath & Beyond fancy, I learned, okay? - Like an upscale Taco Bell. - Exactly, like. So we are opening a Bed Bath & Beyond reserve.

Whoa, the reserve. I know. Wow. Everybody's going in here. Yeah, we turned the audience down, but they're going crazy. It's rioting. They're tearing the seats out of Largo. It's crazy. We obviously, you know. I can barely hear you. They're tearing the staff limb from limb. We're begging you all, calm down. We need to continue with the show. Drink your milk. Uh-oh, somebody set a fire.

- So, um, Bed, Bath & Beyond Reserve, yes, it's just like it sound. It is a fancy Bed, Bath & Beyond, because I know in LA everybody love a fancy stuff. $85 candle. - So what are the differences in a Bed, Bath & Beyond Reserve? - Okay, first and foremost, you are going to like these. We turn... - Just waiting for this to be hentai related, but go ahead. - No, it's not. We turn the light very low. - Should we?

Very low, yes, turn it down. You can, if you can. Oh, they can do anything. And then everybody in the room look so much younger. Yeah, you look to be about 38 right now. You look like 65 right now. This is a romantic, this is a cool lighting. This is what we want. This is sexy. Yeah. Sexy, but better beyond. Yeah.

This is great. So any other changes? So it's Bed Bath & Beyond after dark? Yes. And then we check the prices. So high. Everything is so expensive. So the two changes are the lights are lower and the prices are higher? Sorry, I spit everywhere. She's drooling like a giant squid. Yes, yes. Well, there's more.

Then we have a bar, like sexy bar, you know, for some man named Keith. So he can drink his Chardonnay. And some girl, Hudson, she can drink signature cocktail. Her Negroni Spagliato with Prosecco.

Very popular drink right now. Everybody loves it. It's so sexy. I have a cousin named Negroni Spalghia. You do? Really? Yes, he wheeled me here. He wheeled you here? Here, yes. He wheeled you here? In my Parmigiano-Reggiano rhyme. That's how you get around town? Yes, because you know I am one foot tall. Yeah, well, I mean, very similar to Drew over here, which, by the way, Drew, you're drooling. Well, okay, I've heard that before.

Hi Francesca, how are you? I'm Drew. Hi. Yeah, I'm an actor. I'd like to meet another small person. Well, bigger than you. Whoa! Wow, so sexy in here. Is that Bed, Bath & Beyond? I will say, and not to cause trouble or drama, but it's come to our attention that Randy is also single right now. Wow. Yeah, I'm single, I'm ready to mingle, and I'm hoping to tingle my privates.

You started it and you really wavered there at the end, Randy. I feel like almost everyone on this panel is single. We could have some sort of a dating game situation here. This is a very lonely group of men. Well, Francesca, this is a podcast. I am a woman. I am a 71-year-old woman and I bleed weekly. Weekly? Weekly?

Three weeks on, one week off? Yes, like a fireman. I don't get my period. I am too small. It's what happened with me. I'm so sorry. Any other changes in the BBB? What is wrong with you? Oh, BBB. Do you think I was stuttering? I thought you were on my body. You fucked up.

Any changes going on? Scott, just because she's small, she's not hentai. Also, I want to say, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy for you. What for? I heard that you are an ozempic. That way you can stop eating so much shit. He had such a fun time. I did a show with him. He was in the back eating the shit face down. And now I hear you are ozempic.

You're so happy for him. Way to go. Now he just, he's like. Well, if you're on Ozempic, you can eat as much shit as you want. It just, it just falls right off. No, it make you not hungry at all. Oh, okay. Someone's on Ozempic. No, but somebody know all the details. A lot of people in this town on Ozempic. Have the audience on Ozempic. Have the audience get a book called Taking Out of Their Face and Shoved Into Their Titties. I know.

So what's going on with that BBB? You still want to talk about Bed Bath & Beyond? He looked me down when he said it. What happened? Okay, so lights are low. Things are sexy. You're drinking wine. The prices are so expensive. Wake up the next morning. Why bought so many towels? Oh my, how much was it? $700 for the towel. What happened? I have a friend who thinks about towels all the time.

That's a very specific callback also. I know, no one will ever get that. It's from a tiny show. From a show we didn't even tape. But yeah. So, a conversation? You were there. I was there? Oh, oh, oh, okay. Well, this sounds like a dynamite idea. Wow, thank you. You never say stuff like that to me. The mic is working. All right. Francesca Bolognese, everyone.

If you can believe it, we have one more guest. Well, we have one more chair. We do have one more chair, right? Yeah. Do you think it'll be a man? I actually don't... Fingers crossed. I think that it is genderless. I'm not sure. Almighty God.

But I have no idea. It is a doctor, and those are traditionally men. But please welcome to the stage Dr. Sweetchat, the small talk robot. ♪

Oh, it's so heavy, huh? So heavy. You're selling how heavy it is. Oh, wait. Okay, wait a minute. We're going to need help with this. Hold on, Dr. Sweet Chest. Oh, my God.

What is that organ? That's Sweet Chat's voice. Oh, is it? And it is less comprehensible than ever. Perhaps more indecipherable than ever before. Especially in the monitor. I feel like I'm about to get fired up at the hockey rink. What is going on?

This is the best thing that's ever happened. This should have been the whole show. I said Dr. Sweet Chat top to bottom. T to B. Come on. This thing gets its own comfortable chair. So what did everybody do for spring break? What is... Oh!

Have we sequented to mass? Can you guys understand it? Perfect. I'm on your side. Oh, no. That I know. Oh, no. I heard oh, no. That's oh, no. I heard oh, no. What's everybody doing for spring break? Okay, wait a minute. Here we go. Wow.

Did you guys get that? What's everybody doing for spring break? No. Back up a little bit. Do that. He went on vacation to Toronto with a white groove. No. He...

You're welcome. It's all right, little fella. It's their fault. Oh, no. Oh, no. We heard oh, no, Dr. Scooch. Why? Promo. Promo. Promo? I heard Rob Lowe. Is it book promo?

He's programmed for promo. Speaking of books, where is your favorite place to read a book? Is it in a fireplace? I got fireplace. Here's what I heard. Here's what I heard.

Speaking of books, what is your favorite place to read a book and why is it by a fire? Yes. Wait, did he say, oh, no? No, I don't think that was it. In a fireplace. In a fireplace. In a fireplace. Oh, he burns books? Whoa. Oh, no. Are you sitting in a fireplace reading a book? I think that's what he's trying to do. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Sweet Chat is a... Really? Really?

You're going to try and make sense of this right now? I would love to watch you try and judge. He's a very heavy flesh. What's your favorite book? Is that what you said? You must buy your wife. Did he say Moana in there somewhere? Moana F? I am entering. Beauty mode. I am entering.

I am homo I am beautiful I am gorgeousimo I am like my face I am sex appeal I was hot as Cindy Crawford

I heard sex appeal and Cindy Crawford. Is this a separate entity we're hearing now? Is... I'm in beauty mode. Would you like to hear story mode? Oh, this is story mode. Oh, story mode. Forgive me. It's not just you, Ted, has entered story mode. Forgive me, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Not chat mode. The different modes sound different. Are there any modes that... Little fellow would love to hear story. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Dalton is enraptured by Dr. Sweet Chat right now. Dalton appears to be the only person who understands. He's Dr. Sweet Chat Whisperer. It's almost like Dalton is closer to Dr. Sweet Chat. Physically. Fried bread. Yes. Yes.

Are you ready for a story? Ready for a story, yes. Okay. So the other day... He was out with his lawyer and his seven sons. Yes.

Wendy. They were all named Wendy. It was Wendy number six's bachelor party way. We were eating din-din. I thought no trendy giant prime salt. A place where everything is inedible salt. Everything was inedible because of too much salt? Suddenly.

I like he's not pausing long enough for us to ever translate anything that's happened. Maybe if we turn the lights down again. A boy dies? Yeah.

Wait, what? A little boy dies if he doesn't finish the story? All I can say is that he's currently alive. Let's turn the lights down some more. I feel like this is the moth. Like it's a storytelling show now. And there's no notes. Yes. Oh! A tiny old man asks us to fork his peg.

He's allergic to potatoes? I heard that. We all heard that. We all heard that. Wow.

I... Yes. I'm actually being installed in the new Tesla. New Tesla? Yes. Where would you like to drive today? Seattle or Arsenio? Okay, that time I heard... Seattle or Arsenio? Seattle or Arsenio? Seattle or Arsenio?

I hate to make that choice. You have selected the worst story. A Norse story? I feel like I'm in the band Styx and I just had a stroke. Dr. Sweetchat, how is it possible we've had you on the show now. It gets worse every day.

That I heard, and yes, I agree. I heard that. Every time, it's worse and worse. Would you like to hear Beat It by Michael Jackson? Yes. Yes. The theme song to Frasier. Tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Also, a Seattle-based show. Jay Leno at the dentist. Jay Leno.

Wait, is this Jay Leno at the dentist? I swear to God, I would like this to go on for an hour. What did the blue man say to the groom? Hold on, hold on. Let us repeat this. What did the blue man say to the groom?

I don't think the blue men talk in the blue man group. He's in joke mode right now. I hope you get stomach cancer. Hold on. Wow. Wow, that came through. I'm nagging. I'm nagging Scott. I'm nagging Scott. He's nagging me, I think is what he's saying. He said he hopes you get stomach cancer. I hope you get stomach cancer.

I feel like it goes beyond nagging. This is a threat, I think. Dr. Sweetchat, I... Dr. Sweetchat, are you in the book? Yeah, Dr. Sweetchat does have something in the book. Dr. Sweetchat has some advice in the book and...

A few pages in the book. Were you proud to be in the book, Dr. Sweetchat? Very proud. So proud. I wrote to my mommy and told her, you fucking idiot. Guess what? Hope you inhale napalm. I hope you inhale napalm? You know, I find it's difficult to interpret sarcasm in his tone.

I'm sorry, I hate to go back. What did the blue man say to the group? Oh, no. That was it? Yeah. Okay. He said, oh, no. His default response. Yeah, that's a frequently, you'll say, oh, no. What was the man who lived in Los Angeles' favorite neighborhood? What was the man who lived in Los Angeles' favorite neighborhood? What was it?

No. No. All right, that's our show. Thank you so much for coming out. Jason Manzoukas, everyone. Lily Sullivan. Tim Baltz. Bill Tartt. Andy Day. Gil Ozary. And Paul Tompkins. Welcome in, everyone. Thank you very much. We'll see you outside. Come on.

*music*

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