Live At The Bell House #1 w/ Jason Mantzoukas, Adam Scott, Paul F. Tompkins, Mike Hanford, Griffin Newman
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New York City, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. Welcome to the Bell House.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. No, fucked it up already. I feel like Chris Rock in his live special. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can smear peanut butter on it. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to AJ. Hope that's AJ from The Sopranos. Just a stone's throw from here in New Jersey. People from Jersey here? And proud of it. I have no idea. I've never been there.

Thank you so much for coming to the show. This is not only Comedy Bang Bang, but this is in celebration of Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book. Thank you. Did you all get a copy of the book coming in here? Feel free now, turn to page 65 in your hymnals.

We're gonna have fun celebrating the book here tonight. We have some contributors here from it, as well as one other guy. And by the way, now that you all were given something heavy coming in, if at any point you don't like the show, feel free to throw the books at us and say, "I don't like this!" Totally get it.

We do have a really great group here with us today. Some people, we are very proud of the book and hope you really enjoy it. And sincerely, I'm really happy that you guys are interested enough to read it. And let's get to the show because we have some great people who contributed to it. What do you say? I think there are too many chairs out here. Don't expect seven.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven. Nope. All right, well, let's get to our first guest. He's not really a guest. He's more of a co-host for the show. You know him as one of the hosts of the How Did This Get Made podcast. Please welcome Jason Mantzoukas. What's up, jerks? How we doing, Brooklyn? That's right. Throw your books now!

Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. I've never seen you so amped. I love this side of you. That was it. That's it? Okay, shut him down. That's all I had. Power down. Hey, pal. Hi, pal. So good to see you. Look at us. Ow! Look at us in a... What? I cut myself on your nipple. It's so erect right now. Yeah. So happy to be back on stage. I'm so turned on by this audience. Yeah. Very sexy crowd here in New York. Hot crowd. Hot crowd. I asked them to put an extra seat for Elijah. Okay, good.

Who's doing Elijah tonight? You'll see. Jason, so good to see you. Proud to be here. I used to live right here at the Bell House. I don't care. What I was going to say... You go. Your thing. It's good to have you on the East Coast because you were supposed to do some of the East Coast dates with us on our tour last summer. And then what happened? I got COVID. I got COVID.

Oh. Ooh. After years spent hiding in my house, where you truly barely came over to my house. No. And the first few times you deigned to come over to our house outside, you still wore a mask the entire time. I did. And so you avoided it for the longest time. I did. And then we did the How Did This Get Made tour. Night three in Texas. Oh.

Houston, Texas? Boy, did I get COVID. I just got full-blown COVID. Yeah. Yep. Had it gross. Had somebody... Had the... Had the... The nurse came to give me the test and a bunch of other stuff, and...

And I was like, you know, is this something that could have been avoided? Because the new booster was coming up, right? Oh, you hadn't even gotten that yet. There was a shot that was going to be out in two months or a month or something. I think I got it right after the tour, so yeah. And so I was like, would this have been like, would I, am I just not have enough antibodies? If I went and got, waited until that shot, and she was like, I'm not the right person to ask. I don't really believe in vaccines. LAUGHTER

And I was like, madam, you are a medical professional. You are here in scrubs. So super quick, who here believes in vaccines? That's right. That's right. Not 100% agreement. I'm hesitant to ask the other question. Anybody here not believe in vaccines? Cool. The bell house, baby.

Well, you're here now. I'm so glad. Thrilled. Thrilled to be here. I used to live in Carroll Gardens and then... Oh, so back to your thing. What's that? Oh, yeah, back to my thing. Go ahead. Boy, this neighborhood, wildly different than when I lived here. When I lived here, there was a huge movement to stop Whole Foods from moving into this neighborhood. Now, having just driven here, this neighborhood appears to be all Whole Foods? Yeah.

All Whole Foods all the time? I was like, what the fuck is going on? The people at the Park Slope Food Co-op would not allow this. These are very local jokes. Local references. Local jokes. I appreciate you bringing this to the crowd. I don't know. I don't know.

What's going on with the glasses? They're coming on. They're going off. I'll be honest. I want to wear them to see better, but I didn't clean them backstage. Feel free to clean them right now. I'm going to clean them in a minute when we're talking about something else. Something else. Okay. Well, Jason, you... When I leave stage, that's why. Scott, that's why. You have to do it backstage? I've got to go backstage. For what? The little cloth. I don't want your cloth.

Front row lady waving a cloth like she's surrendering to the bad guys? I don't need your cloth. I don't need your eye schmutz on my eyes. These motherfucking New Yorkers are trying to give me pink eye. Nice try. You have your own special cloth devoted for this purpose. Of course I do, Scott. Could someone find it and bring it out to you? No, I don't want them to. Because that would mean someone else touching the cloth. I don't want them touching my special cloth either. My special cloth.

Tell the truth, is this your blankie from when you were a child? It's the last little scrap of blankie, and it doesn't clean my glasses, it just scratches them to the point where they absolutely can't see through. How you been? I've been good, and Jason, I wanted to thank you, sorry? Am I not allowed to touch you? You can. Okay.

I wanted to thank you because you wrote something. Well, I mean, you didn't write something for the book. Sure I did. Well, I mean, yes. Yes. Can we bring it up here on the screen, what Jason wrote? This is the only time I will write anything that looks like I'm published in The New Yorker. Yes.

This is your real name, Jeffrey Karachowides. Of course, of course. And my real headshot from, I think, 2003? That sounds about right. When I think I took that picture. That's right. With a strange ring on my finger. Yeah. I don't remember when I wore a ring, but I did. So much so that I was like, I need it in my headshot. I identify with this ring. I think it was 2003, because normally the Twin Towers would have you in the shade. No.

But there's never forget. Plenty of light on you. Heard someone go, shh. Lest you think here in New York we're going to shy away from 9-11 jokes, we are all in. But it was very nice. I took this on the top of building seven. Controlled explosion.

Okay, now we're starting to lose people. Now this is the point. Now we're starting to lose people. Jet, fuel, can't, melt, steal. All right. I'm just trying to get a sense of what this crowd's all about. Honestly, most of you are too young for 9-11, right? Yeah.

You're one of the few pro-vaccine, 9-11-wasn't-inside-job type... Yep, love the vaccine, mostly because I want Bill Gates to know where I am and what I'm up to. It's not that I don't believe in the conspiracy theories. I like them. You want to be involved. Chip me. Please chip me. Hey, someone want to chip me tonight?

But basically what you wrote for the book is your... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The book, the book, the book. The story behind the development of your character, which we're seeing right now. The Jason Manzuka character. The Jason Manzuka character. The abrasive, loud, obnoxious... Which a lot of the jokes about 9-11 are things you wouldn't actually... Jeffrey Character Wheaties would never make those jokes and finds them reprehensible. Right. And tonight we'll make sizable donations to offset what he said.

When do you slip out of the character? When you go home, do you drop it? Like when you shut the door behind you? Here's the thing. I used to, but now I can't. It's really hard. I have to stay Jason Manzoukas all the time. Otherwise, nights like tonight suffer. I appreciate it. I mean, no one appreciates it more than me. Oh my God, thank you.

It really is special what you've done, and it's a testament to your hard work, and I'm glad that finally you're getting the word out, because otherwise no one would know that you've been involved in the deepest of cover. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I lived here in New York for 13 years doing comedy. This is where I really built this character. Yeah. I mean, you were doing horrible comedy...

Terrible. Just terrible. Describe some of your improv. Were you doing improv before? I did an improv show for over a year at UCB at midnight, Saturdays at midnight. There was an improvised Saturday morning cartoon in which I played Ricky Martin. Real show called Cartoon Chaos. We did it for a year, Saturdays at midnight, never once successfully. Okay.

The show was terrible, top to bottom. T to B never succeeded. So you were playing the gay, Hispanic Ricky Martin. Correct. And this was during the Jeffrey Character Wheaties days? Nope. Jason Manzoukas. Trying to crack that code. Unsuccessfully.

What was some of the stuff you would do as Jeffrey Character Wheaties, though, before you developed the character? Oh, well, that was all just, you know, mostly just theater. Space work. Yeah, space work, Meisner. You know, it was like a lot of just deep, immersive theater. Lots of performance art. Do you still remember any of the movies? I'm not going to do any of that. Okay, all right. I see where you're going. I see you trying to find a footing. Hey, I'm a guy who got pimped last night into doing his Disneyland audition dance, so...

Wait, what? I did a show here last night. Oh, here? What was it? We don't need to go into it. It was a great show. We're not promoting other podcasts. We're not promoting other podcasts? We're here to promote the book. Oh, yeah. Well, it's really special. When do we do the Q&A with the audience? Do you want to do a Q&A? Is that what you said? At the end of the show, I think we should absolutely do a Q&A. Do a talkback? Yeah, let's. Don't all book tours feature a talkback with the author? Yeah.

I think at the end of the show, it makes absolute sense that any idiot here be allowed to ask anybody on stage a question. I guess. I mean, technically, I'm not the author. You wrote more pages than I did, I think. If I'm not mistaken, I believe you wrote no pages. Come on, I wrote a few. Did you? Yes. Okay. Approximately three. I'm pretty... Are you sure Kuloff didn't write those pages? I may have written some pages that someone else purportedly wrote, but...

Well, it's great that you're here. Are you bruised? It burns. Why does it burn? It's the Hellfire touch. Whatever knows fear burns at the touch. It's great to have you. Jason Manzoukas, everyone. AKA Jeffrey Character Wheaties. How do you want to do this? I don't know. Yeah. I mean. We don't want to scare away the next person. We have a big show, so we need to get to our next guest. Let's do it. Not seven people, but six. Or eight. We could bring another chair up.

I look back there. There's a bunch. There's a bunch? I came so close to coming on stage with a chair. So close. I was like, too heavy. All right, well. I'm having fun. Okay. It's so good to have you. I'm having fun with you. I'm so glad we took a trip together. I'm so happy we're here in New York together. We love each other.

All right, let's get to our next guest. This is a gentleman with a wonderful CV, as it were. It's great that he's in New York City and could join us. He started off on NBC's "The Office," and then he now has a show on Apple TV called "Spasm." Please welcome Adam Scott. - This is mine. I appreciate it. - Adam Scott, everyone. - Thank you, Adam.

You missed some over there. You missed some over there. I just want to eat them all up. I just want to take each one. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. If you could eat people, would you? Oh, I would eat all of these people. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You know? Just, oh yeah, this is a chompable crowd. Oh, just eat them all up. Nom, nom. Guys look delicious. Aren't they?

Adam, so good to have you on the show. Thank you. Wonderful. I mean, you've done so much great work. Thank you so much. Congratulations to you and the entire Spasm cast. Thank you very much. All of us over at Spasm are...

Really excited that I was able to make it here tonight. You came straight from the spasm set, did you not? I came right over from spasm. This is, I mean, are these your spasm clothes? These are my spasm clothes. These are the clothes that I perform spasms in. Tell us about your... The signature spasms that we all go through. Tell us about your character Del Roy. Del Roy...

Delroy is, some people call him naive. I call him just a little off. Okay? But it is spasm. So... Wonderful. How are you? I'm good.

Nice to have you here. You, of course, contributed to the book. I'm looking over your shoulder at the screen. Yeah. Not at anyone creeping up behind you. You look behind. It looked like you were alerted to somebody creeping. Someone with a knife. You're very jumpy tonight. What do you mean?

There are people who, because of spasm, are out to get him. That's true. Yeah, a lot of spaz heads. Spaz heads. Yeah. Having their spaz attacks. Not sure we can say that anymore. I don't think we are supposed to say that. 90% sure we cannot say that. But that's what they call themselves. So what are we supposed to do about it? The spazids?

You know, I heard something when I was backstage. I heard something out here that really got me excited. I don't know which one of you said it, but jet fuel cannot melt steel. Adam, I'm thrilled that you are as interested as me in talking about 9-11 for the whole show tonight. Is everybody up for this? Are we really up for this?

You brought a slideshow here. I sure did. No, but speaking of slideshow. It's not working. Isn't this how you do it? We're going to watch loose change. I think you're just miming it is the problem. Yeah, that's why I don't have anything in my hand. Yeah, you don't actually have it. That's the issue. But speaking of the slideshow, you did contribute to the book. Could we see Adam's contribution to the book, if that's okay? You gave us a blurb on the back.

Yeah, this, I wrote this. Yeah. Do you want to read it? Yeah, I do. That's what I want to do. This... Oh, you want to do it out loud? Well, can we... No, I was just going to read it. Yeah.

Can we talk about it first? Yeah, sure. Of course. What about this? Do you want to talk about how long it took to write? Yeah, I mean, you name the topic. I'd love to talk about how long it took to write. I will say, as a fellow contributor, I spent months on mine. Yeah.

That's mainly because you wrote it right before the deadline. That is correct. I was supposed to write it months earlier, and I did not. Well, I wrote mine, I think you had asked me a couple of times to send me something. Yes, I did the typical Adam Scott interaction, which is to text you incessantly and then get a one-word response weeks later. Yeah. Yeah.

You're welcome. That's usually the response. So I believe this, if we're going to talk about the amount of time from when you first asked me to have a blurb to when I sent it to you, this took months. Yes. And how long did the actual writing of the blurb take you? Probably about as long as it'll take me to read it right now. Okay. Okay, so what I'm talking about...

In the blurb is the Comedy Bang Bang book that we're all here to celebrate and honor. By burning it. A big pyre right in the middle of the room. We're going to fly a plane into it. Now, hang on, guys. I know you're thinking, this is a lot of 9-11. I was with you earlier. This is now too much. But we're only a third of the way through. Oh, yeah.

Seriously, though, if there is any steel in this building. Okay, so that's what I'm talking about the book, and the book that we're all here to celebrate and honor. Okay, so just so we're clear, that's what this is about, okay? Got it, got it, good. You set the table. Okay, so here we go. So when I start reading it,

That's what I'm going to be referring to. When I say CBB book, Comedy Bang Bang book. Oh, okay. I didn't even get that when you gave it to me. Okay. I'm glad I'm going through this. And for those of you who have it here, which is I think everybody, you are holding the very book that is what Adam is talking about. Thank you, Jason. Thank you. Does anyone have one? Everyone has the book here, yeah. Do you mind if I... This is the book. Okay. Okay.

That's actually super helpful, not for the podcast listeners, but for people in the room who might not know the book we're talking about. Yeah, for the podcast listeners, do you want to describe the book? It's like eight feet wide. Okay, should we explain what a book is? Yes. Is this at all... What about paper? Are people going to understand what paper is? Trees? Should we start with trees? I'm lost already.

Anyway, this is it. Comedy Bang Bang, the book. This is it. Blurb that I wrote is on the back here, among others. We've blown it up much larger on the screen. You know, Adam, I was thinking everyone has the book. Maybe we could all read it at the same time. Turn it around. It's on the back, and we can all read it together out loud. Make sure it's not upside down. Yeah, because then it'll sound different. Yeah.

Scott, just briefly while people are taking out their books and getting ready, did you ever think to publish the book at this scale? I know. It's really tempting now that I see it. Honestly, also because so much easier to read. Oh, yeah. I mean, that would be a trim size of approximately... We shouldn't talk about trim.

That's a separate podcast. Are we talking trim tonight? That's our show, Drippin' Milk, and this is not an episode of that. Drippin' Milk, season two, talking trim. Okay, so if everyone's ready, we're going to read it together. Everyone has their book out. Here we go. And we do not read the quotation marks out loud, just FYI. Before you start. Nor the commas. We don't say comma out loud, apostrophe. No punctuation.

Other than that, I think we're... One suggestion, if you don't know a word, just sound it out. Sound it out. Or you can ask one of us. That's what we're here for. Should we take it? I'd also like to just give, if we might, a single piece of direction. Okay. In that we pronounce the text in blue, in all caps, the way that it's written. Right. That's true. That's true.

You don't have to scream when you say the blue text. Okay, are we ready to kick this off? All right, let's go. Okay, here we go. Three, two, one. Quotation mark. Whoa. No, no, no, no. Let me stop you. Let me stop you. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I almost did it too, so that's good. I'm glad. Force of habit. Can I ask you, when you're on the set of Spasm... Yeah. Yeah.

Each of your lines, do you start by saying Delroy? I do first, at first. And then we cut that out usually. Put in the blooper reel and then we're able to keep going. Oh, you know what? I'm glad we paused for a second just because I'm looking at the words and I'm not sure. There's one I'm not sure how to pronounce. Oh, okay. I'm just going through all the words. It's right there.

Words? Okay. Got it. Thank you. You said it right, actually, before you said you didn't know how to pronounce it. Interesting. Yeah. I'm glad we're doing this, Jason. I'm thrilled. This is helping me a lot.

I've just noticed how I'm sitting in this chair. I have one of my legs over the armrest. Okay, Adam, thank you. Because here, I have a huge grievance and grudge that all comedy podcasts think they need to put you on stools. High stools so you're like...

I always feel like I'm a little kid like, hi, I'm doing a show. Hi. Why don't you sit cross-legged then? Down on the floor. Criss-cross applesauce? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I would love to. I would love to also just sit on a regular goddamn chair so my feet are on the ground so if an attack happens, I can get out of here quick.

Meanwhile, I'm like... Let me see the difference. Adam, do you mind playing an attacker really quick? Absolutely, no problem. Let me see the difference of how quick you can do it this way from... Okay, so let's say we're just doing the show. Yeah, we're shooting the show. Do you want me to come from behind or from where I am right now? I think, how do attackers... You know what? I think from the audience because that's where these fuckers are coming from. Let's be honest. They've got a very important note I need to read.

Anyway, what a great time. Oh my God, I'm having such a good time with you. Jason, I love performing on stage with you. Sorry guys. Yeah. When you want me to start, just give me a signal. Okay. What kind of signal? Hand signal. Got it. Like hang loose? Like a shaka? Hang loose. Hang loose? Okay. So we'll just do like it's the regular show. Right.

So writing the book, I feel like for you, must have been an incredibly... It's incredible. I mean, those three pages were just so difficult for me to write. Did you feel at any time like you knew what you wanted to say, but were having a hard time getting it out? Yeah, but...

I just relied upon thesaurus.com most of the time. Thesaurus.com. So you're here promoting thesaurus.com? I would just put it on random. Put it on random? Whatever word popped up, I would throw into my... Oh, wow. That's interesting. I never would have thought about... I'm realizing we forgot to... Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we forgot to give you the signal. Oh, fuck. We got so into it. We got so wrapped up in our own thing. And thesaurus.com. Yeah. That one's not up yet. It's okay. Okay.

Sorry, we'll remember to give you the signal right now. Adam, turn that the other way around. No, no, no! Hey, whoa, no, no! I'm stuck! I'm stuck above! I'm too high! Yeah, these chairs are bullshit. Yeah, right? Yeah, right? That bit's gonna play great in audio only. I mean, because it played so well in the room. So let's read this. Yeah, okay, here we go.

By the way, can you read it in under five seconds? How quickly do you think you could read? I'll promise you this. I can read it in under seven minutes. Okay, yeah, sure. I'll take that. Okay, here we go. Everyone have their books out? Everyone's ready? Okay, because we're all going to read it together. Here we go. One. Should we count one, two, three, or three, two, one? Let's count up to ten. Okay, here we go.

One, two, three, four, five, six. I feel like we should go down, though. I think you're right. I do feel like it should be in reverse. Down from 20. Down from 20. Also because that will help everybody get in the rhythm. Yeah, that's right. And you can make sure you have your books out.

Here we go. I'm not, I'll be honest, a lot of you don't have your books out. I'm a little worried. Which makes me think you're not going to read from the book. So how are you going to participate? Yeah. You know what? We should give them more time to get their books out. Down from 40. Ready? Yeah. 40.

40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 30, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 30, 31, 31, 30, 31, 31, 30, 31, 31, 30, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31, 31,

28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 20. You said 21. You jumped. You jumped at it. Goddammit, I'm sorry. We've got to start over. Let's just go straight in. Go again, straight away. Let's go again. 40, 39, 38, 39,

37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26,

25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7,

Six, five, four, three, two, one. Everything you want in a CBB book. Chapters, pages, words, letters, pictures, syllables, winks, gravy, live-e's, and of course, Scott's signature dance. I'm going to read it for you.

five more times, then go back to sleep. Adam Scott! I'm in a full body sweat. That really was exhausting. That was electric. I think I have COVID now. Can you get COVID from reading out loud? Yes, yes!

Droplets! All these fucking monsters! We asked them to shout droplets right at us. But still, I just want to eat them all. Well, Adam, thank you so much for participating with that. And it means a lot that you're here tonight. Thank you. And... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. You know what? I love it. I love it all. I love seeing it up on the screen. I love that. I'm just going to be honest. When I wrote this, I never dreamed that I would see it up on the big screen. Did you... Did you...

Because now you're a published author. Absolutely. Now you're a published author. Do you feel as though that adds just another element to your career that's exciting to you? Are you going to develop this into anything? Thank you for saying that. You're welcome. I mean, it's more than just a feather in the cap, okay? Which it is. But yeah, I think... If you could have a feather in your cap, from what bird? Inu. Inu? Pigeon. Pigeon.

But you, I mean, Adam, you have a cap full of feathers. So many feathers. Your head is just covered with feathers like an Indian headdress. You might as well hollow out a bird and wear it on your head for how many feathers you've got. Yes. That makes me really hungry. I mean, you're a published author. Yes. You're a bad actor. Yes.

Other things. But those are two feathers. Yes. Most caps can't even carry that. Adam, I'd love to talk to you about the movie Tork. Absolutely. That's your other show. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We're not doing How Did This Get Made. We're not doing How Did This Get Made tonight. But it is really special, and I thank you so much. And usually when you thank someone, they thank you back. No, thank you. I appreciate it. You know what I appreciate? I appreciated being asked. I appreciated being asked. Yeah.

And it is great to see it on the big screen. This is like... It's great seeing it on the big screen. This technically is better than any movie you were ever in. It's more fulfilling. I got paid more. Yep. Was there ever a point in which myself or Adam were going to be featured in the cover?

As such huge contributors, but I can't help but notice neither of us is featured in this cover. Because there's Rob Schneider is there. Yeah. In the cowboy hat. So he made it on there. He made it on. Randy Quaid is there in the back. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a gorgeous cover, so... It really is, but no, I never... What's worse, that I didn't ask you or didn't even think to ask you? They're both really bad. Yeah, I'm seeing that now. But thanks for being part of the back of the book. No problem, thank you. The very last thing anyone will read. Adam Scott, everyone!

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All right, well, a wonderful panel already. And I'm afraid... And we have seven more people to go. I'm afraid I'm going to bring the mood down a little bit. Oh, boy. No. Because I genuinely am friends with both of you. Yeah. Are we friends with you?

I don't. Only you can answer that question. And by the end of the show, those questions will be answered during the Q&A. What if Maury Povich came out with an envelope and told me whether you were my friend or not? The big friend reveal at the end of the show. I dance around. Scott, would you be surprised to know that Adam is not your friend? Ooh, boo. You dance around.

But the next person I'm bringing on, I genuinely hate. He is a children's entertainer of note. Please welcome Big Chunky Bubbles. Hi. BCB, how are you? That's right, it's me, Big Chunky Bubbles. Do you remember what I do for a living? You are, for those of you who don't know BCB, he is a children's entertainer. That's right. You blow bubbles, right?

For children. I don't blow bubbles. I'm sorry, your breath is not involved. No, I mean I'm breathing while I do it. Thank God. Yeah, I'm sure you're real relieved. Have you ever forgotten to breathe in the middle of a performance? What are you talking about? Forgotten to breathe? Like I'm up there doing my thing and then, oops, I forgot to inhale? Hey, that's the opposite of Bill Clinton, right? Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Did you just try and high-five me with the back of your hand? Yeah. Well, I felt bad about, like, giving you the part I touch stuff with. Oh, okay. You know what? I appreciate that. You didn't feel bad doing it to me. You're disgusting. This is my left. You should feel bad about making the Bill Clinton joke in 2023. Yeah.

We're coming up on the 30th anniversary, I believe, of him. Oh, good. I'll send you a cake. What are you... What are you playing... You celebrate it every year, don't you? Of course. 29 years. 28. 27. 26. I don't blow bubbles. I'm a bubble artist, and I create bubbles out of soups, stews, and chowders. See? The people know. Oh.

The crowd furiously checking the wiki. Correct me if I'm wrong. Oh, I will. I'm ready. By the way, we're all right here on you. There are but two chowders, are there not? No. Go on. What do you think the two chowders are? Oh, you're thinking of clam chowder. And corn. But there's multiple clam chowders. There's multiple. See, even he knows. But those are all variants of clam chowder.

All chowders are variants of chowder. But those are variants of soup. Oh, this hamburger has lettuce on it. Hmm, must be a different strain. I don't know, I'd have to explain food to you. What? They made a blue car? Now I've seen everything. Adam, what if... I wonder if you could make...

If you could make clam chowder with the blue milk from Star Wars... Yes. And then you would have blue chowder. Right. Well, why don't we have Han Solo whip us up a match? Since we're getting things from a fictional universe. Is it contagious what you have? Now everybody's dumb? Oh, you're telling me. Oh, wow. You're gonna... I'm...

I'm trying to support you. Look, look, look, look, look. I'm trying to support you. You don't think it would be great to go to a kid's birthday party with... Jason. Star Wars blue shot. This motherfucker, Scott. Jason. This motherfucker is getting on me. How did you get up from your chair so fast? I don't know. Let me tell you something. There's no amount of fictional milk that makes a children's birthday party something you want to go to. They're the worst audiences in the world.

These people out here who have kids who don't want to go to a birthday party, you're telling me that if you said there's going to be Star Wars blue milk bubbles there, those kids are going in a second. Made out of a seafood chowder? Yes. On a hot summer's day? Who doesn't want pink eye and diarrhea from bubbles? That was one of your taglines, right?

Why do I come on this show? I don't know. You're very disrespectful. I'm trying to be friends with you. You are? Oh, I thought this was... Is this not marketing for you? Are you not trying to get jobs? I am. Of course I am. This is you being friendly. I had no idea. I'm sorry. By the way, I apologize. He's more of a Trekkie.

Thank you for apologizing. That's not true either. You were telling me backstage. My favorite sci-fi show of all time, of course, is Blake 7. I don't even know what that is. I barely do, but listen. That's why it's your favorite. We shouldn't press you on specifics. I didn't come here to talk about that. So I won't.

Adam, what is your favorite soup? If you had to pick. Oh, well. Let's just say an intruder comes to your house. Yes. What would I be making when he walked in?

Sure, but also if he were to, he had, you know, some sort of weapon pointed to the back of your head, he's going to kill you execution style. Some sort of weapon. Yeah. But it pointed at the back of your head. Sure. Could be a baseball bat. A cat of nine tails. Cat of nine tails pointed directly at the back of your head. Sure.

He's gonna whip the back of the nape of your neck. Right. And I have to say... And you have to say what your favorite soup is. What do you say in that moment? This is the weirdest home intruder I've ever encountered. He's a weird guy, I admit. This was the original plot of Funny Games. The original. Right, before they changed it. Before they changed it. Think a lot, Michael Haneke. The studio bigwigs got involved. Oh, yeah. Ugh.

I mean, I would have to go with some sort of chowder. Really? Absolutely. Okay. And since there's only two... It's a flip of a coin at this point. I would have to go with clam. But which kind? Manhattan or New England? Well, Manhattan, of course. Whoa! They've discovered a third chowder. Whoa. What is it?

Do we have to go over this whole thing again? I want to do the whole thing again. 40, 39, 38. Sorry, we're pasting something from Brett's phone. Turn that mic off. If I don't like something, I'm just going to yell no. Did you think someone was coming up from behind you? I did for a second, yeah. What the fuck is going on? Get a little feedback. I just want to make sure. I didn't think this show could get less professional, but you found a new speed.

Do you think I'm unpleasant? Yes! Big Chunky Bubbles is like the Statler and Waldorf of the show. Just up in the, up in just sniping. They should have been the whole show. You would watch that. They're my favorite part. I'd take that as a spinoff. Because I hate frogs.

Frog? Are there any... Are there frog soups? Are there any soups with frogs? Frog legs? You can make a frog leg soup. Can you? You can make a soup out of anything, Greg. But does it make good... But does it make for good bubbles? Oh, boy. That was an homage to your co-worker. Can you make soup out of meat? You can tell him about that in the morning. Sure. Yeah.

Different soups make different bubbles, of course. It stands to reason. What is the best soup for making a giant bubble? A really big bubble? The biggest bubble you've ever seen. The biggest bubble? I mean, beyond for artistic purposes? Just for record setting? No.

Now, are you in the record books in any way, shape, or form for the size? Because we have a contact at the Guinness Book of World Records. It's not Fred Guinness, is it? It's Fred Guinness. That guy can go to hell. You've interacted with Fred Guinness? I've contacted him several times. Really? And he doesn't return your call? He always picks up for us. And talks, it seems like he has a personal relationship with everybody else we know. These are all callbacks to a show nobody's heard yet.

I called him because I am, by far, the most successful bubble artist working in suits, tubes, and chowders. Wow. No one else is even close. So why did he turn you down for this? I mean, why aren't you in the book? He said it was too weird. I didn't think he was allowed to say that. What does he tell you? He's one of the weirdest guys in the world. He devoted his life to writing a book about weird things.

They're not all weird. To be fair. I mean, it's a guy who can fit like a million cigarettes in his mouth. Well, now you're defending the man who you just moments ago were deriding for ignoring you. Well, because my thing isn't weird. There's records for the fastest person who ever ran. Aren't those just like Olympic records? Yeah, but they put them in the book. Why wouldn't they? That seems like cheating.

These should be Guinness book specific records. How would that work? Do you think Guinness contracts people to do certain things? He should be out there on the ground reporting his own records. He can't just like contact the Olympics and go, hey, who's the fastest person who ever- Does he contact them or does he watch them on TV like everybody else? That's the thing. This motherfucker. If you can't remember, now it's in a book. Why have you got me defending this man that I despise? I'm on your side.

If you don't mind me, can I ask a question? I do mind you, but go ahead. I appreciate that. How come you don't seem to work or have you tried and not been successful with bisques at all? Great question. The crowd very interested in this. So much so that I don't want them on my side. It's all right. It's an actually interesting question. Congrats. Okay.

Man, the more you neg me, the more I want to fuck you. Is that what you're up to? I'm still grieving my wife. That's right, your wife, who, by the way, for those of you who don't know, she passed away in a... She passed away, how was it exactly? It was in a tragic bubble accident. Oh, no. I made a soup that was too hot. Was it your fault? It was my fault.

She was so proud of me. She was my biggest supporter and cheerleader. And she... No! You can't take it that seriously. Shame on you. You're adults. Don't feel bad. I was working on, as a matter of fact, a bisque bubble. Oh, no. The bisque bubble is the holy grail of bubble tree. Of course. I'm assuming a lobster bisque because it's so rich and expensive. Well, of course. Yeah.

Nothing but the bisque. Nothing but the bisque? For my bisque bubble. So I was almost there, and I called my wife in, much of the way that Alexander Graham Bell called for Assistant Watson. What? You're almost as inaudible as Dr. Sweetshot at this point. Holy shit. You never heard of the telephone? Alexander Graham Bell, what do you mean by the telephone? He would say, ahoy. Ahoy.

The first thing he did was yell for his assistant to come in and see that he'd done it. Watson, I need you. That's right. Yes. So, I said, honey, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. The BiscBubble, it's real. She rushed into the bubble laboratory. La-bubble-atory? No. No. Scott, come on. Wow. I'm sorry.

This is where your wife passed away. Good chiming on the story about my dead wife. Just grinding the show to a halt. Who's over there now? This guy trying to do psyops on me. And she started rushing towards me to embrace me. And I said, honey, no, it's too hot. She got too close and the bubble burst. It burned her skin right down to the skull. Oh.

Wow. Like an Indiana Jones. It was like opening the Ark of the Covenant. Oh my God. She just like bloop. It happened so fast. My wife standing there from the neck down, a person, and from the neck up, a skeleton head. Oh no. Did she ever go to the doctor to get a checkup from the neck up? What do you mean? Scott? What do you mean? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is... It's all right. You're still sensitive about this, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense why you haven't attempted the bisque bubble again. And I didn't know that, so I sincerely, I didn't mean to... Or have you attempted bisque bubbles since then? I've thought about it every day since. Get a life for real. Oh, God.

They're so enraptured by the story. I mean, he's a wonderful... Whatever you can say about him, he's a wonderful storyteller. Every time I collect the ingredients for the bisque and start putting it together, inevitably I look down in the tree and I see my wife's grinning skull looking back at me. Wow. You gotta take that skull out of your tree. Yeah.

I appreciate it as a tribute, but you really should not keep it in there. It's not our actual skull. Oh, okay. I have a weird guilt vision. Don't you get it? But do you... Well, I feel like if this... This is... If your life... Oh, boy. If your life was a movie... Are you all right?

If your life was a movie, if we made a movie of your life, which would be a great idea. I would actually like to do this. Act three would be you having to finish the bisque successfully and in doing so, finding true love again. Yes. First scene is your wife's face melting off. It just started with a bang. And then you keep flashing back to it. And you're turning your back on the bisque. Yes. And on her. Well, because she's dead.

It's kind of hard to get psyched about this. I hear you, I hear you. But we could, I bet if we beat this out for another 10, 20 minutes, we start putting note cards up, we can get this done. We can break the story, yeah. You could play yourself. Or you could play your wife. Or you could play everybody Eddie Murphy style clumps. Yeah. Or you could play everybody Eddie Murphy style clumps. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, don't they call it clumping it? They say you can clump it. You can clump it up. Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump it up. Did you see that movie, The Whale? One clump? Forget it. That's my point. I am waiting for the other clumps to show up. Instead of just a movie about a fat man having feelings? Weird.

I thought Eddie Murphy did great in it. No, he's terrific as always. Well, Big Chunky Bubbles... Good to see him in whiteface again. And that was just them being like, the Klump's technology is being ignored. Big Chunky Bubbles, I did want to bring up your contribution to the book. What book?

Oh, we're here doing a Comedy Bang Bang book. Everyone has one. Comedy Bang Bang book? It's a book. Yeah, it's a book. We actually have something that is related to you in the book. Could we bring that up on the screen? How dare you? This is a review from the newspaper of your act? This happened in Montreal. Guy Lachance, that hack.

Pardon me, I thought that we had your permission to put it in. No! Why would I ever grant permission when there's a big one in there? It is public domain, though. It's in the newspaper, so I think maybe we contacted them. Oh, you're mad at Fred Guinness, though? I think that... Why are you hanging that over my head? I don't think he's mad at Fred Guinness. You're mad at Fred Guinness. I'm mad at Fred Guinness. You got me going crazy. We love Fred Guinness.

You are attacking his policies, though, of putting Olympic records under the Guinness Book of World Records. A new wrinkle to big, chunky bubbles. The monitors here are as bad as Largo. Where are they? They are just the speakers pointing out. Right, that's not a monitor sound. Now, because we've established it from Adam's piece as well, we're going to count down from 40 and we're going to read the whole thing. It's long. LAUGHTER

It's also quite brutal against you. It is. Yeah. Very unfair. Sorry, I just, you know, you wouldn't write me back when I asked you to write a piece for the book, so I, you know. Did I not have the right email address? No, you did. Those filters work like a charm. Instagram filters? No, email filters. Try it sometime. I will. Are you down to inbox zero?

Yes. That's admirable. That's impressive stuff. I pulled it off last year. Very exciting. I even replied to all the spams. Oh, wow. I just wrote back, not interested. I'd rather not, thanks. I finally realized I should just cut and paste. Please take me off your list. I'm perfectly happy with the size of my penis.

Are you happy with the size of your penis? I love it. You love it? Yeah. Well... That's the quote. Yeah. I'm perfectly happy. See, if you just would have written that, I could have put that in the book instead of... I was very suspicious when you asked me to write something for your book. Yeah. Sorry. Because it seemed like a trick and a trap. Not a treat or a treasure.

No, we had a lot of people contribute things to the book. Like who? Well, Brock Lovett. Do you know Brock? The treasure hunter? Yeah. Sorry, wet treasure hunter. Right. One time he found a diamond ring in one of my soups. He said, finders keepers. Where'd it come from? An old lady threw it in there. She told somebody a story of her life and then threw the diamond ring in a bowl of soup. This guy has old ladies throwing jewelry at him night and day.

I would love it so much more if James Cameron was more interested in the depths of soups and stews than our own oceans. Yeah. I read an interesting article the other day about if that were real. What were? The diamond? The throwing the corduroy into the ocean. Right. That the insurance, if they found it, the insurance company would have kept it. What are you reading?

What are you reading? Insurance? Insurance magazine? You have the gall to call this an interesting article? I read an interesting article. You ought to be tried at the Hague. This is a war crime. Like 9-11. 9-11.

Yeah, no shit, guys. False flag. Okay. Honestly, where did you read that? Like, what honest to God are you reading? It was germane to the interests of Brock Lovett and myself. Oh, germane. Was it your majesty to it as well? That's the show. Black it out. It's not getting better.

So the insurance... What happened at the insurance... Basically, what they were positing is that if Brock Lovett were to retrieve the Cordula Mayor, Billy Zane's character would have... Shut the fuck up! You read about Brock Lovett? Yes! Got it. That Billy... Whatever Billy Zane's character's name was... Cow! Okay?

- You're a big Titanic fan? - Love it. I dare you not to cry. - He would have insured the diamond because it was worth so much. - Sure. - So his heirs, he drowned on the boat, didn't he? Or did he get off? - No, he was a coward. - He was a coward, okay. - He took someone's baby to escape. - He ate someone's baby to escape? - Yeah, he ate someone's baby to escape. Took and ate don't even sound alike. - That's in the deleted scenes.

So he got off, he would have filed an insurance claim for the... What are you doing? For the Court of Le Maire. Who cares? So when it was found, it would be the property of the insurance company, not of Brock Lovett. But it wasn't Brock Lovett's property anyway, it was Rose's property. Because Cal gave it to her as a gift. But did she declare it for tax purposes? That's the other thing. Well, that's paragraph eight.

Anyway, if he were here, I would tell him all about it. Do we know that he wanted it for his own personal gain, or did he just want to find shit from the Titanic? Was he like one of those it-belongs-in-a-museum types? No, I think he just... Maybe. I don't remember. What types are those? You know, like, not to bring up a movie that will trigger something for you, but Indiana Jones with the melting faces. I was trying not to say it.

God, Big Chunky Bubbles, you're crying. I'm weeping. I'm so sorry, Petey. Oh, by the way, that's, your name is... Do you feel like if you... Sorry. Sorry, your name... No, it's all right. For those of you who don't know, I called you Petey because... That's right, my given name is not Big Chunky Bubbles. Big surprise. My stage name, my real name is Petey Amin. Petey Amin.

I don't think I knew that. I gotta read the Wiki! Sorry, so what were you gonna ask? I was gonna ask, do you feel, because you just, I mean, we're here with you tonight, you seem truly still so heartbroken at the loss of your wife, do you feel like if you could accomplish the bisque bubble, it would give you closure? Yeah. Is there moving on from this? That's a pretty big question.

Scott asked me to come out here to ask the big questions. He said, I'm going to ask the little dumb questions. I'm a coward. If you could focus on big, interesting questions. I know that my wife would want me to be able to do the best bubble. Oh, Petey. What was her name? I don't remember.

I'm sorry. I didn't know. That can happen when a woman's face melts away. Exactly. There are no distinguishing features left. I haven't talked about this in a while. It's so hard. You start to forget about those people that you've lost, including their names. Yeah. Does anybody remember? No. Okay. You don't have to say Alexander Graham Bell. Yeah.

He thought you were talking about Alexander Graham Bell earlier. He got that confused. I don't need the explanation. Okay. I'd better name with something more larger. I want that for you. I want for you to find closure in this world so that you can move forward and have happiness again. Find true love. Thanks, weird stranger. Also, your children need a stepmother. You know, your wonderful children. Robbie, Bobby, and Tagg.

Names you remember immediately. They're still alive and around me all the time. Their faces still are right where they're supposed to be. You seem to not like them. You seem to not like them. They're not my favorite. Okay, maybe start working on the bisque bubble again. Oh, Jason. You're more upset at that than the 9-11 stuff? This crowd is unbelievably weird.

- Go ahead. - Were you like this before your wife passed away, or? - Unhappy to be on this show? No, it hadn't happened yet. - 'Cause we've only known you in the shadow of such an incredible tragedy, and you're such an incredibly awful person to be around. I'm just wondering if you were different before then, if she added some-- - You know what, bro?

I'll grant you that. I'm not the most pleasant fellow. And yes, there was a time when I smiled and laughed. I was quick with a joker to light up your smoke. Would you make tonics in gin? Yeah. I remember one time going to this bar and it was Saturday. It was a pretty good crowd for a Saturday.

For 5 o'clock, were you there midday? Or wait. You think midday is 5 o'clock? What are you, a vampire? You know, when I have a drink, it's midday somewhere. To answer your question, yes, I was a more fun guy before.

Well, I hope you get back there. Maybe we could set you up with one of the guests on the show sometime. I don't know. I mean... To discover that joy again. Yeah. Do you feel like the making of The Bubbles now reminds... It's got to remind you of that tragedy. You know, to have a family like Adam does and like I do and... Well... Someone... He's married to show business. Oh, no.

I do have a family, by the way, of those three miserable kids. But I will confess, I've been perusing the apps. Really? Are you on Bubble? I'm on Raya. I almost went on Bumble because it was so close. And, you know, swiping this way and that. Sometimes all I can see is just a skull.

Would that be attractive to you if there was just... My question is, when you see a beautiful woman's face, are you picturing the skull beneath it? Yeah. Wonderful cheekbones. I think that's what I just said. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean literally there's skulls on Raya. Yeah. I didn't know. Maybe. Would that turn you on if you saw someone who was like the red skull? The red skull? The Marvel villain? Yeah.

I know what a skull looks like. You'll have to bring comic books into it for me to understand. But no, it wouldn't. I liked my wife when she had a face. But I love her always. Whatever her name was. Big chunky bubbles, everyone. Can you stick around, BCD? Yeah.

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But there's one band that we haven't covered. That's right. And that is, of course, the Fab Four. Yeah. And please welcome to the stage John Lennon. Wow. They're sitting up. They're standing up, I should say. Amazing. Jason is giving you a standing and walking out of the room ovation. That makes sense. John, so good to have you. Oh, my God. It's so great to be here in Brooklyn. How about that?

You know, I came all the way from Manhattan. It's great to... Oh, thank you. Okay. Usually you... Thank you so much. I haven't been on stage in a long time. This is Big Chunky Bubbles. He's an entertainer as well. I saw him backstage. It's a pleasure to see you. Moving around and doing bubble stuff. I was moving around and doing bubble stuff. You were doing bubble stuff backstage? Yeah. You've never done it on stage. Why would I?

He put me in a bubble. He did the thing and I'm sitting there in a big stew bubble, did you say it was? - It was a big stew bubble. - Very exciting back there and now I'm out here. But I was gonna say, it's so great to be in Brooklyn with all the, look at the hipsters out here drinking coffee. You know, hipster, you can always tell they're hipster 'cause they're drinking coffee after 6:00 p.m. I, of course, don't see any right now, but you've got crazy haircuts out there. Look at these people.

Wait, you're one of the people with the original crazy haircut. The mop top itself. That's right. That's right. Because we were all so thin back then, you know. So we had mop bodies at first.

And it was... So they would call you in the press, they would call you the four mop bodies? Right. The four sticks, you know. And I'd say, Ringo, I think they're talking to you because he would use drumsticks. Because he played the drums in the back of the whole band. He's behind us. Right. So I didn't see him. I like him the most, but I saw him the least. Did...

So you thought they were referring to his two sticks, but they were seeing double, or? No, I thought they were talking about his two sticks and the backups. Hey, how often? Because he always kept a backup. When you were playing live shows, how often would you turn around and look at Ringo? Very seldomly, only to be, what song are we playing next? Oh, Ringo. Was he the guy who had the order of the songs? He had it all written down on his one drum. If you go back and look at videos of him playing, film,

He would... You'd always notice he'd never hit the floor, Tom, because that's where the set list was taped. He would always consider it and then decide not to? Throw us all off, but oh, right, he doesn't want to hit that one drum. We should add a drum to the second floor, Tom, so we can put that on it. Or maybe put the set list on the floor in front of you guys instead of... Could be. Where were you?

I don't think I was on this earth yet, but... You're stealing your dad's balls. John, have you started working blue? I'm doing stand-up now. I'm doing lots of stand-up. You are? I would love to see some. A lot of crowd work, stand-up. I'll do it for you. Yeah, I'd love to see it. Who would like to see John Lennon do stand-up? Can we get a spotlight? Can we get a spotlight on John at all? Can we get a spotlight here? Can we get a spotlight?

I don't think you're on anymore. There's no spotlight and my mic's not on. I'm going to keep talking. Oh, here we are. Is there a spotlight? No. Okay. Okay. They can make the lights very bright. On Broadway. Scott, you'd fit in perfectly in this town. Hmm. Anyway, I thought you said something about Broadway. Okay, I'll do some of my crowd work. What do you think you're some... You fuck face. What do you think you're so great?

You think you're so special? I'm John fucking Lennon. I could have you thrown into a dumpster. What are you laughing at? You're all... Get him out of here. I don't want any of these people in here. Wouldn't that be something if we just had this conversation by ourselves? Here, still. That's good stuff. Yeah. What, for stand-up? I might steal a couple lines from you.

Oh, that would be an amazing double bill. John Lennon opened by big chunky bubbles. We don't know the order yet. That sentence. By the way, Adam, I don't know if you know this, but John Lennon, you're a big music fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hasn't made it to Rolling Stone or anything like that. But John was dead. How did you die again? I was shot in the body.

Directly in the body. I fled everywhere. Oh, no, you were killed. You were murdered? On sight. Yes, right. I was coming out of my home, which I live in now still, the Dakota. Oh, right, I don't think I have any neighbors here. Look at us all, hipsters, you know. You were coming out and a man by the name of Mark... Mark Summers... No. Got his hands on a gun. That's a different guy. He was the host of Double Dare. I think...

I get those confused because I've always wanted to be on Double Dare and I always wanted to not die. I remember those were the two things I wanted. Got them transposed, yeah. Also, his name is Summers and you died in the winter in December, of course. Right.

- Oh man. - Thanks. - Well, happy ending because-- - Came back to life, came out on the ground. - So how did that work? How did you come back? - I was in there for four years in a casket in the ground and you get very bored in there. And I remember I had a book, I can't even remember the name of the book now. And I read it and it was boring. And I said, "I don't like this anymore." Got out, I'm walking around, I'm doing everything I used to do, but I don't tell Yoko that I'm alive. Please don't tell Yoko I'm alive.

Because I'm borrowing one of her berets. And I don't want to give it back. We're still married. But that's the only reason you don't want her to know. Because you're borrowing. Pretty much. And, you know, I'm having a fun time being out without her. Yeah, it's so strange she hasn't run into you yet. We run in very different circles. In Manhattan. You're still at the Dakota. Still at the Dakota. She actually might have an apartment in there.

I see someone who looks exactly like her from behind and in the front too, but I'm always wearing the big nose and mustache and big glasses and hat, trench coat, bubble coat over the trench coat, shoes too big. What else? And an extra watch, which I'd only usually around her would only wear one watch. And she looks at my wrist, oh, two watches, okay. Never met this man, don't know him at all. Although he knows my name.

So you address her sometimes. Right. "Hello, Yoko. How's your day been? How are our children?" Do you disguise your voice at all? I try to. I try. Let's hear it. I do a lot of that, too. "Hello, Yoko. How you doing, mate? How are our children?" Oh, so you say-- Does that one still look like me? You say, "How are our children," to her? "How are our children?" Does one still look like me almost exactly?

She said, oh, kind of, but he doesn't wear two watches. Got away with another one, I think. Just out of curiosity, how many children do you think you had with Yoko? I'm asking as a fan. Well, I had two wives. Do you need to check the wiki? I wrote the wiki.

I had two wives and I think between us we had, I want to say three kids. My birthday is October 8th. Take the win. Take the win.

Out of curiosity, and forgive me if this has been covered before, but John, have you seen the movie Yesterday? I've heard about it. It's very interesting. By the way, he means the movie called Yesterday. He's not asking if you saw a movie yesterday. Oh, then I don't know what you're talking about. I'm so glad you clarified. I just got HBO Max. Is anyone up Max Easter? What? What is he talking about? He comes out here half drunk.

No, I'm not joking. You were saying? There's a movie. I think they're covering it on Blank Check next week, a podcast where the fans will really let you know if they don't like you. Or if they do. That's nice, too. You know, there are nice people on the Internet, too. We forget about them. Hmm.

But it's a Danny Boyle film that is a movie about suddenly everyone in the world except for like three people forget who the Beatles are. Right. And I will say this in spoilers for the movie, you are still alive in the movie. I've heard of this. In the timeline, yeah. Somebody playing me shows up. You're an older man. It wasn't you, was it? No, I'm not an actor. When I got my glasses, I was.

Just in that one wall movie, and I got those glasses. That's the other fact a lot of people know about me. But you were also in Help. Sure, but those were glorified music videos. But what do you think about that supposition that if the Beatles never existed, you would still be... I mean, you are alive, obviously. I'd be alive, right? Would I have all the money? No, I think he was pretty broke. Broke? I wouldn't like that. I'd like to be more of a Beatle guy who has all the money and fame. Ha ha!

You like where you're at right now. I like where I'm at because I'm alive, I can do anything I want, and people don't bother me, and I can play music if I want. No, I don't want to. And you've never... I keep beseeching you to come bring your guitar and play some songs. The damn thing. Well, you know where it is. It's Rigo's got it. He's still telling me he's going to sign up for guitar lessons.

So you guys are in touch? Oh, every day. That's who I was watching movies with yesterday. Oh, wow. What do you guys watch? What kind of movies do you... Are Ringo... I mean, that's... Wow, isn't that interesting to think about John Lennon and Ringo Starr sitting together watching a movie. What are you guys up to? Like, what are you watching? Well, we're mostly dishing of whoever we see on TV, but these days we're watching... We're getting into the Batman series. LAUGHTER

Christopher Nolan? Christopher Nolan, Batman. And then we're going to watch the one with Paul Dano. You're a big Paul Dano fan. Love Paul Dano. I absolutely love everything he's been in. From The Girl Next Door all the way up to There Will Be Blood. And then the movie I just mentioned, Batman. So you skip over from There Will Be Blood to the Batman movie he was in. Right. And I saw some of the Fableman's.

Sure. Some. Some of them. I had it, well, here's what happened. I put it in a DVD player that I got at Best Buy. It was a $20 DVD player because I only have a few DVDs I want to see, you know. So I don't need to buy an expensive one. Well, you know, because mostly it's streaming. It seems like this side of the room doesn't understand it's mostly streaming. Honest to God, this side of the room are assholes. Don't even deal with them. I'm not even going to bring up Blu-rays. Heads will blow up.

Bought a $20 DVD player, put the Fableman's DVD. I watched about half of it and it stopped. Completely stopped. The movie stopped. Movie stopped. Image jerked off to the side and... It jerked off? It just went, goodbye. The image jerked off to the side? I knew what I said. I knew it. This is about a young boy. By the way, I would love to watch that version of the movie.

And yeah, I couldn't watch any more of it. But when I saw it, I didn't really find too engaging. Did you try, like, taking it out and rubbing it on your pants and then putting it back in? That's what I always do. I don't have time to tell you the amount of surfaces I rubbed it on. We've rubbed it on everything to try to get it clean. You think we didn't try that? Did you try blowing in the DVD player inside? No.

Shit. We were unplugging the plug, blowing all over the plug and putting that back in. Because Ringo said, I read this article about how plugs get dusty now, and that's a big thing. I said, okay, you're doing the one reading. You're reading around here, I'm not. Wow, fascinating article. Did you catch that one, Scott? I read the headline.

When you and Ringo are together, you never think to, it's never inspiring to come up with new music or nothing creative starts happening. I'll sit down at the piano and then we'll invariably get into most of Weird Al's catalog.

So you just start playing something and then it's just like, oh no, Weird Al. We know this one. It's Edith. We'll go into that. Because we're usually trying to replicate. Have you guys ever thought about doing a Weird Al cover band? That would be fun. Who would really want to go see John Lennon and Ringo doing Weird Al covers? By the way, millions of people. Literally everybody in the world. At least once. I got a pitch.

What if instead of a Weird Al cover band, you become a Weird Al parody band, and you parody the songs that Weird Al's already parodied? Or you parody the Weird Al parodies? Like, you mean, like, continuing it? Yeah, what he said. Exactly what I said. That's what he said. I'm asking for clarification. I'm glad the sound is finally traveling down to you. What he said, but me. Right.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. What he did, but I say it. Oh, but also louder. What he said, but moments ago? Yes. Okay. I'm glad even though there's no women on the show, we can still fit that behavior in.

So y'all are saying take the songs and make them sillier or go back to the originals? No, just equally as silly. No, make them sad. Oh, sad songs. Take a sad song. Right. And make it sadder. And make it sadder. Yeah. I recognize that lyric from something.

It's one of your songs, actually. One of our great songs. Paul, what about John? The Beatles. It's a Beatles song, sure. John, what about Paul? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you? Fuck you? Fuck you? Fuck you? Fuck you? Guys, guys, guys. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. Don't do it. What were you saying?

He was saying fight. You were saying... Sorry, Adam. We're the same sometimes. Adam, we were interrupting you. What did you want to say? No, I wanted to know...

I wanted to know, John, what about Paul? We're talking about Ringo. What about Paul McCartney? He's still with us. He's still with us. He's great. But he's touring. He's always so busy touring. But does he know you're alive? He knows, yeah. I go in and I help him run some of the songs, rehearse the songs for tour, and get him ready because he's such a nervous guy. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Are they going to go out there? They're going to throw popcorn at me.

I say, you know, Paul, first of all, the stadiums he plays in are humongous. To get a piece of popcorn anywhere is difficult anyway. So he's nervous and I get him calmed down. We run the songs, Ringo and I and him and George Harrison's son come by. We do all the songs, the Wings songs, the Beatles songs, anything he wants to do. This is, I mean, people would pay to see this. Trust me, I know.

They've told me, and I said, I'm not going out on the road again. Why? Are you afraid of the popcorn? Right, because they sell popcorn outside of movie theaters and stadiums. So it's everywhere now. They can get you anywhere. No, but for real, though, for real. For real. I'm just joking about it, but for real. I don't want to travel with those two because those two get together and they prank me. This is, okay, so this is the real. Is this why the Beatles broke up? We've never heard these stories. More or less.

There's only so many times I could walk into a doorway and have a bucket drop on my head filled with water or worse. I read that the, you know... Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's worse? Can I just interject? No, no, please go ahead. Are we talking...

No. Oh, my God. No, no, no. That wasn't worth it. No, no. Not worth it. A bucket? I mean, a whole tour. No. Well, right. You run out of ideas, and then... No, just you're saving it up. Huh? Oh. No, no. Those guys are like the jackass of music. They're constantly just pranking each other. Bingo. Hi, my name's Paul McCartney, and welcome to Jackass. Yeah.

Was that a good liver, puddly-in accent? The best. Hey, I just listened to you and I do it exactly the way you would do it. Yeah, so, right. I didn't want to do the pranking anymore. That's understandable. It's hard to be... You know, you go to bed and find a cockroach in it. Wait, are you sure they did that or were you just in a nasty hotel?

Who's to say? But it was all around the same time of the pranking. So it felt like it was all at me. The bad energy. It was a lot of bad energy. So you found one cockroach in your bed one night. Right. And you quit the Beatles. Well, when you say it right, when you say it like that, you're right. I mean, can you even be sure they put it there, really? No, you can't be. Did you ever ask them, hey? I was always shy around them.

Because you don't want to say the wrong thing or they'll throw it in your face. This all might have been just an enormous misunderstanding. I know. Looking at it now, all these years past, I can't help but feel foolish for not speaking up. And that's something sort of we're all working on these days, right, folks? When we're in therapy or with our loved ones. Things are a lot easier when you communicate.

I like that you keep trying to engage the people that are behind you. I feel so bad. Versus, I'm like, fuck these assholes. Oh my God. Can we talk about what you wrote for the book briefly? Let's bring it up on the stage. You were kind enough to send us something that you wrote. You wrote a track-by-track review of The Beatles' record One. My absolute favorite Beatles album.

Yeah. It's got the hits. Well, it was a best of. Best of? Well, number one's not just best of. The best of. So you graded all of the tracks. Graded all the tracks. A lot of them got A's. B plus. Somebody did some drawings there. I don't know who did that, but...

Oh, those weren't you? I assumed that was you doodling. Oh, no, I mean, I did doodles and then sent them in and say, do something like this. And they did. Then they did a worse version of my doodles. And you were like, oh, no, I meant for you to do a better version. Right, do a better version. And then I think a lot of email exchanges, and I think the last one was just, well, you fucking deal with it. And then that was to me.

So then I had to go out and hire somebody with my own money. I had somebody, really great street artist, you know, tagging is what the... He was tagging everything. It was tagged me. I was walking by him. And I said, you know, I jumped, I leapt out of the way because any time you hear a hissing noise from the spray can, I hate snakes, you know, so I...

Jumped away. You famously are known for hating snakes. Absolutely hate them. A lot of your songs were about your hatred of snakes. It's one of the things everybody knows about you, that you have three children, that your birthday is October 9th? 8th? I say 8th. Yep, sorry. You might be right. I was guessing. You just hate snakes. Hate snakes. Can't stand them. So... It's because of the no legs, you know.

You hate... Because I don't mind lizards. Yeah. How do you feel about spiders? They're full of legs. Well, they've got quite a few legs, but I don't like how light they are. I don't like them at all. I still want to have with you. Yeah. Chunky bubbles? Big chunky bubbles. I know. Big chunky. I forgot the big part. Wasn't...

Wasn't the song Imagine about snakes originally? You know how like Yesterday was about scrambled eggs originally? Right. Well, imagine all the people fit better than imagine all the snakes. And we added an extra, but...

Yeah, imagine all the snakes slithering around, crawling into your shoes, crawling into your coat pockets, getting, it was a Christmas song, getting into the presents and looping the presents with their tail and scooting them out of the room, opening them and slithering up to your bed and saying, you got a Lego set. So ruining Christmas for you. So in that rendition, the snakes speak

And everybody understands. Like, everybody speaks Parseltongue or something. It was like that to me. Is that the case? Because I feel like watching the Peter Jackson documentary, it seemed like the raw materials for a lot of those songs had to do with all sorts of stuff. Like, were most of the hits we know snake-based? Right. He jumped in. He started, well, not him, but whoever shot that documentary.

The guy who wanted you to perform in Egypt or whatever it was. Whatever his name was. That motherfucker. Michael something. Egypt, though, Egypt, you know, a lot of snakes. Bingo. They worship them. Yeah. Remember when Indiana Jones, sorry, opened up the tomb and... Oh, my God. Petey is crying again. Oh, I just, you know... I let it go when you mentioned Danny Boyle. Incredible. I can't believe I got that joke in.

Did you miss it and have been waiting all this time? I did miss it. That's a great one. I kept on thinking about it. Okay, now you can relax. But Indy opens the tomb and it's full of snakes. So many snakes in Egypt. Yeah, that's a big walkout moment for me.

You saw it in theaters? Anytime it comes out, anytime it's printed, they show it at theaters. I go see it. Wait, Indiana Jones? Because it came out in the four years that you were dead. Right. So I see it when they show it now. And then you walk out every time. I walk out every time the snakes come. And I don't see the end of it. I don't know how it ends.

And honestly, I don't really know how it begins because I'm always so late to go into the movies. So I'm there for 20 minutes. So if you wouldn't mind, just for a brief moment, can you tell us what you think the plot of Indiana Jones is? Sure. Which one is this again? Raiders of the Lost Ark. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sure.

He's got, well, you've got the hat, right? And that's where you start. It's about a hat. It's about a hat, and what's under the hat is so important, which I think is really the lesson of that movie, because we all sort of wear our own hats, but what's under it is the courage and determination to sort of teach at a school.

So you walk in when he's teaching at the school. So for you, it's a college movie. Right. And I walk into that scene, I go, where's his hat? Because I saw the poster, he's got the hat on. So eventually he puts it on and he's zipping around with his whip and I'm sure there's a car in there and he throws somebody into a propeller of a... Oh, actually, so you have seen quite a bit. Seen quite a bit. I walk out and in, I'm all over the place. Uh...

Then I want to say that the credits roll at a very inopportune time. It's the end of the movie. Well, for me, inopportune because I wanted to see the 20 minutes I missed. I ask if they maybe just loop it back. Just keep it on a loop and then I can watch it and then leave. So in that instance, the credits would be in the middle of the movie. Right. It would be an interesting way of doing that.

I think. So, in other words, the post-credit scene for the movie would be 20 more minutes of movie? Right. Yes, exactly. You must really love what the Marvel movies are doing with the post-credit scenes. I absolutely love the Marvel movies. Yeah. I'm there at day one on each one of them. Have you ever thought maybe you should be in a... I mean, Adam's going to be in a Marvel movie. Is that so? He's in Madam Web. Ooh.

Yeah. There are no snakes in that movie, so you can come see it. A lot of spiders, though. But spiders. There are spiders. That's fine. Yeah, but you will not want to see this movie. Why? It's not good? No, well... I don't know. Thanks for the heads up. Thanks, Adam. So, uh... That's a good pull quote. Put it on the back of the book. What does Madam Web do? What's her deal? I don't know. But...

But there are spiders. But we should continue to dig in on it, right? And ask you a bunch of very specific questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what an incredible casting coup that would be to get you in a Marvel movie. I would have a dream come true. I would love to be an Ant-Man.

- Yeah. - Ant-Man. - Ant-Man, Quantum Realm. - Why would you want to be in that one? - Just get small, get big. That's, I mean, that's really, it says it all. It says it all. I mean, you look around this room, if we could read the minds of people in here, every one of them, yeah, my superpower is getting small and getting big. That's it, what else is there? Flying around, you can do that when you're big, apparently.

Sometimes. He's got the suit. He kind of has the suit for it. Who's big that flies around? I think he's more of a... No, I misspoke. I think he's so big he just steps to the next country. That's better than flying, right? Just walking around? Walking around the earth. It's sort of the flying of the land. That's a good way. Being a giant? Just walking. Walking as a giant is the flying of the land.

- Or you're saying walking period. - Walking period. - What about cars? - Shit. - All right, John Lennon, everyone. Thank you. - It's incredible that John Lennon's here. I'm still-- - I'm getting some late-breaking news from Engineer Brett, who's backstage. Everyone, give a hand to Engineer Brett. - All right, Brett. - Types of chowder.

New England's clam, Manhattan clam, corn. We've mentioned those. Potato. That's right. Potato chowder. Fish. Yeah. Shrimp. Yeah. I just want to say, looking over your shoulder, I am shocked at how many more there are. I tried to tell you. Why didn't you list any of these before? Because I wanted Scott to suffer.

And also it gives Brett something to do. Yeah. Cream. Cream chowder? I'd rather not, thank you. Tonight, when you guys are making love to each other, please say, give me your cream chowder. I love that you imagine any of these people are going to go home and fuck after this. Are you kidding? After this show, they're going to be all horned up.

I think this crowd's gonna set a record for breakups. Why did you drag me to that? I told you I wasn't gonna like it, and I didn't like it. Why didn't you bring your brother? Now we have chicken corn. Chicken corn? That's... Chicken in the corn? Chicken in the corn. So the corn can... Chicken in the corn can. So the corn can... I don't know what that is. I don't either. Yeah.

Anyway, a lot of variants of lobster and corn. I mean, that's just corn. Yeah. So now it's just mix and match? Yeah, I don't know. Why would it stop at clam? Why not, like, any other kind of shellfish kind of scenario? Well, I'm saying, why would they make a clam chowder and then say, that's it for chowders? Oh, yeah. What is a chowder? It's gross. Yeah. You know how disgusting soup is? Why do you do it?

Because the bubbles are beautiful when they glisten in the light. But you hate children, you hate soup. Yeah. You love the bubbles. What if soup was thick, viscous, and full of clams? And if you left it too long, developed a film on top. Yum. That's good bubbles. I don't eat the bubbles, genius. Why not?

Why not use bubbles to feed people? You're never tempted to eat the bubbles? Which stupid question do I take first? How many do you have time for? I got time for two more. Take him, then me. I think feeding people with bubbles is like a slap in the face to someone who is hungry. It's like giving someone a slice of Swiss cheese, you know? How?

It's like, just give me the whole thing, you know? No, that is the whole thing. The thing is the whole. Are you hungry? Here's a block of cheese. Hello. Make it last. I won't be back here for another year. Is this someone in witness protection? Wait, what? I won't be back for another year. In that scenario, he's the federal agent checking in on? That's what I assumed.

Wow. That was quite a leap. Talk about the flying of the land. You built that narrative so quickly. It's so fast. Which is a lot of backstory. Who's the only person that gives someone food for a year? A federal agent who's checking in on someone in witness protection who's incapable of getting food for themselves? Maybe an Instacart delivery person right before it's about to start snowing. I don't know.

That's a long storm you're looking at. Well, that's on the person who ordered it from Instacart. They only ordered a block of cheese and that was it? Can you order a block? Can you order a block of cheese on Instacart? That would be a big wheel. We should try to get one delivered here tonight. Do it.

We'll wait. I don't know how to make that come true, but I would love it. Just a big block of cheese. Maybe your chowder researcher could get on it. You know that at like 1.30 a.m. there's going to be a poor guy out front being like,

I got a wheel of cheese here, and the place is fully closed. 1.30 a.m.? Sir, we just ended 30 minutes ago. Where were you? Are you trying to get us to rush it along, John? I just thought it'd be funny to think of time in a different way. Okay. Not unlike the quantum realm, if you really think about it. Well, you know, speaking of movies, we have another guest. Good, good. And this is someone who has not been on the show before. Oh.

Someone who did not contribute to the book, but I heard he was in town. And this is, I don't know what they do in movies, but I'm guessing by his name he has something to do with movies. Please welcome to the show Silver Screen Sammy. Thank you.

Hello, Scott. Thank you so much for being a fan of my work. Hello. Thank you so much. Silver Screen Sammy. So nice to meet you. Thank you so much. I'm Silver Screen Sammy. That's three S's. And I'm, of course, a KKKK. What's that? Katona's cutest cinema critic.

Katona, New York. Oh, boy. Cutest cinema critic in Katona. Excited to be here on stage with such luminaries of the industry. Of course, the dragonfly from Doolittle. Of course. Of course. Of course, James the Dragonfly, my number one role. James the Dragonfly from Doolittle. Of course. You're not going to have a lot to choose from. Rider on Sharktail. Okay.

I chose Adam Scott. I went through your INDB. Wouldn't know any of your work. Did a thorough search. It would all be right above my head. And, of course, Chunky Bubbles, famed children's entertainer. Love his work. Big Chunky Bubbles. Well, of course, I'm sorry. John Lennon, Yellow Submarine.

One of my absolute favorite vehicles. Out of curiosity... Yeah, ask away. How old are you? Eight. Okay.

That helps. That helps me. Don't know Adam Scott's work. You look nice, though. Thank you so much. No, I meant him. Oh, okay. Thank you very much. Okay. Thank you so much for responding to my PR lady's emails. Been looking for more gigs trying to get on stage. Mostly on the small screen is where I work.

Right, so what do you actually do? The tube. Yeah, you keep miming the size of the... Yeah, because this is the size of the screen when I'm Katona's Cutest Cinema Critic.

I guess I didn't realize that you were an eight-year-old film critic. News 12 Westchester doing the movie reviews, of course. It's a bit of a family business, a legacy business. My father was a triple S as well. By the way, don't say those three S's together, otherwise John here will think it's a snake. My father was a... Were you sleeping? I was asleep. Oh!

My father, of course, Stormy Spring Sammy, local weatherman, Westchester News 12. He was a weatherman. Okay. A weatherman named Stormy. Well, no, his name's Sammy, but Stormy Springs is the name. Gotta have a gimmick.

Gotta have a gimmick. So you talk about movies, sort of like that show Blank Check. Have you ever heard that? No, I only care about the TV. That's legitimate. Although I heard their fans are rabid on Reddit. Weird axes to grind. Somehow forget all the context of the guests and anything they've done previously in their career.

It's the kind of show that you listen to if you like hearing people eat on mic. That's what I've heard, and I think no one should be playing that. Especially if you like hearing people decide what they're going to eat on mic, and then half an hour later, they eat the whole thing. Once again, I've never listened, but I hear that some people like it. I can't imagine that's true. But I'm serious about the TV, and I feel a cultural responsibility because TV.

people aren't that media literate. Yeah, I've actually found the opposite to be true. At the end of the day, it's all about story. Movies need a great story. And kids these days, they love their Mario movie, but they don't know anything about film history. So I feel responsibility to get on the tube right there.

And tell them about some of the classics that they don't know about. Like what? Like Sing To and Puss in Boots The Last Wish. You gotta go back into the archives and watch the classics. Yeah. You're an eight-year-old boy. What was the first movie or television show you ever... Sing To followed by Puss in Boots The Last Wish.

Have you seen Puss in Boots, the first movie? I've heard great things. Okay. Yeah. I did have a bit of a breakthrough recently. Oh, really? What was that? Came to my attention, breaking news. I don't usually do that on the program. Usually stick to the film reviews. But I got some news that, in fact, movies were made before I was born.

Yeah, I mean, there's a long, rich tradition of cinema history dating... And this is what I'm finding out. The very first movie of the train coming at the screen...

Well, that sounds scary. Believe you me, it was terrifying. I would scream if I saw that. Scream, also the name of a series of movies? I'm learning. I'll take notes. Look, the point is... It would be good for you, especially if you are on TV talking about films, if you could get a better sense of what are the most influential movies. Jason, what an incredible T.O.

You keep reaching for your bag. What is inside? What do you got in there? I got a Black Adam swag bag. Haven't seen it. Sounded a little scary to me. That is... Do you want to show everybody that actually that is a Black Adam? It is a Black Adam swag bag. And a Black Adam notebook. Wait, it lights up? It lights up. Absolutely. Oh, wow. Wow, the power dynamic on stage just changed. Hold on one second. It's exciting to see something light up, isn't it?

It's fun. So I recently did some digging. That's a Black Adam thermos as well. Absolutely. Comedy rule of fours. Yeah. As it pertains to props. Of course. I watched the Academy Awards with my father and I went, this is great. They should do this every year. I hope it continues. And he said, they've been doing it for a very long time. And I went, whoa, Nellie.

So that gave me a bit of a watch list. Okay. Oh, so you've written down movies that you should... I've done a couple capsule reviews. Yeah. I mean, it's a good...

a thing to be a little more aware of the medium that you're critiquing. I'm trying very hard. I'm constantly learning, getting better every day. Now, I can't help but notice, looking over your shoulder, that on the top of the page, you've written Silver Screen Sammy to remind yourself of your name. God, how embarrassing it would be if I flipped up one of those words.

Anyway. Now, just to properly set the table, these are movies that you hope to see or movies... Best picture winners I have watched. I've been going down the list. You've been going down the list. Going down the list. And by the way, I hope to see some of you in best picture winners in the future. Oh, that would be amazing. I would hope it could happen. Did the dictator win best picture or... I heard that was a very chill set. So here are...

Some Best Picture winners I watched on. This is what confused me. Because I watched the Oscars with my dad. He said, this is the best that cinema has to offer. And I watched some of these older films and I thought they had all sorts of problems. Oh.

Oh, okay. Plot holes. Things sometimes don't age well. I would love to hear what you think of it. Plot holes. Here's one I watch. Kramer versus Kramer. Now, this is a wacky sci-fi movie. I could not get my head around this concept. It was the most confusing film I'd ever seen. I

I don't, silver screen Sammy, I don't know that it was sci-fi. You gotta ground a movie in some sense of reality. This is what I always say when I'm on the TV. What was confusing to you about it? What was unbelievable, yeah. Well, because this premise is so unreasonable that a mommy and daddy would not stay together forever. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, boy. I understand you're doing wacky sci-fi, but the buy-in here is so high. Let me ask you, obviously your mommy and daddy are still together. As is law. I don't like you using those words.

Can I ask, do your mommy and daddy fight the way that the characters, was that believable to you? Of course. And that's the little bit of relatability in there, of course. You know, my parents are both working professionals. Do you not know what divorce is?

While I've seen the movie, I don't think it's really a concept that's going to carry through in the cinema. To you, it's something like a lightsaber. You think it was made up for that actual movie? Right, and that technology doesn't exist, and it never will. Much like divorce. Wow. Yeah. I mean... Next movie! Oh! Terms of Endearment. Uh-oh. Now, this movie was confusing. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

This young lady splits up with multiple daddies. Apparently the Academy loved that. And at the end, she takes a nap and her mom freaks out. And the movie ends before she ever wakes up from the nap. I mean, talk about an unresolved cliffhanger ending. Oh, boy. This movie's got plot holes. Let me ask, was it believable to you when the mommy got sick?

Of course. Everyone gets sick, including mommies. But that sick? I mean, is your mommy sick right now? Sick in the head, go on. When you wake up in the morning every day, do you see your mommy and your daddy? In love, yep. Okay, great. Okay, that's good to know. Yes, absolutely. And sometimes she sleeps, but she always wakes up. I hope, I mean, that's what's supposed to happen, so that's great. Have you ever seen the movie Loose Change? No.

I think it should be required viewing for all eight-year-olds. I haven't. Tell me. Ear's wide open. It's about, well, it's fun to have loose change in your pocket, right? Of course. I like that. Jingle jangle. What else you got? Okay. Platoon. You watched it. Now, this is one of the wackiest movies I've ever seen. It's about the weirdest summer camp I've ever witnessed.

All they do is play paintball all day, every day. But here's the thing. When characters in the movie lose at paintball, they disappear and you never hear from them again. That's where the story would get good. How bad they feel that they lost the game. Do you lose at paintball all the time? All the time. Oh, oh. I feel bad. I feel bad. I gotta say. He can't hear us right now. The French connection. Okay.

Now this is a movie about a bunch of grown-ups being very serious about baking powder. So mean! Mmm, I hate that you're taking my baking powder. It's at every supermarket. It isn't hard to find. This one guy hates subway trains. He hates them!

Don't remember that part of the movie. Some of these movies would probably play better if they were more recent. Well, I tried to go as mainstream as I possibly could. How did you feel about the French part of it? Yeah, have you ever... Can I ask if you ever... Because we're all pretty anti-French. Well, I was going to say, have you ever kissed a girl? Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's what you were going to say? Or a boy? Or a boy?

Hey, man. Hey, man. This kid's eight. I'm not saying you should kiss us. I'm asking... You don't want to help the kid understand death or any of these other things, but you want to know about French kissing? You want me to kiss everyone on stage? Great job on the diversity booking, by the way. What an incredible lineup of daddies for me to kiss.

Middle-aged dudes, that's who listens to podcasts. You put it out there, and this is what responds. Clearly, you booked someone who didn't even contribute to the book. I would love to see this list in the book, though. Maybe we could put it in the paperback. Volume two. Volume two. Here's another thing in the French Connection. Oh, you asked me what I thought about all the French in it. No, loved it. More movies should have minions. That's what they sound like to me.

Here was another thing in this movie. They hate trends. They love baking powder. They keep on talking about female heroes, but there are no ladies in the movie. How do I get myself a heroine? Where's the heroine? I want to find a heroine. Almost no speaking parts for ladies.

More than this show, though. That's true. That's true. Shakespeare in Love. Okay. Right there in the title. In Love. The weirdest thing happens in this movie. I call it a plot hole. The two main characters take off all their clothes and fight each other. They get into a wrestling match. They do some biting. I got the...

love, not arch enemies. I'll come back never again. Silver Screen Sammy, I think you're misunderstanding these movies. The classics. And I feel like maybe it's our responsibility to inform you about some of these subjects. First of all, being sex. Jason, go ahead. First of all, which? Sex. Did you call it big sex? I thought you said big sex.

I heard big sex too, and I don't know what either of those words mean. You both heard me say big sex. We both heard you. But it was being sex, the first of which being sex. The first of which being sex. But we both heard big sex. Big sex. Anyway, tell me what big sex is. Okay, so big sex. There's big sex and there's little sex. Okay. I'm little silver screen standing. You know what? I don't want to explain it anymore. Okay. Next movie on the list of- It's too convincing. Okay.

The first Best Picture winner ever. It's called Wings. Now they said this was the best movie of the year. They forgot to turn the microphones on. I watched this thing. This is such an embarrassment. What a blunder. And then some years later, 2012, the artists, they forget to turn the microphones on again. Best Picture, Mike Tush.

Whoa, language. Language. Come on, Silver Screen Sammy. It's not that kind of show. I hope it's not big sex. Okay, here's another one I watched. This one I had a lot of problems with. American Beauty. Oh, well, I mean... I'm curious what your problems with it are. Yeah, because...

I think the audience, that's one of the ones that hasn't aged especially well. I agree. In my opinion, it attempts to satirize the American petite bourgeois, but instead presents a pastiche of suburban cliches undercut by cloyingly overwritten dialogue. And the weirdest thing is two boys kiss at the end. That's not who kisses. Unless you're at a comedy bang-bang book release, apparently.

Well, look, silver screen Sammy, I'm assuming you don't have any more. No, you're wrong. Second page. Based on what I'm seeing over his shoulder, the entire time we've been out here, he's been doing this. Look, I hate to put a guy at the end of the show and then cut off his bit, so go ahead. Okay, here we go. I'll keep it quick. Speed round. Speed round.

Moonlight, this movie is about two friends who thumb wrestle on the beach and then spread a bunch of clam chowder in the sand. Now, what is that? Big Chunky Bubbles. Don't try to pass this over to me. The Godfather, two movies, two best pictures, six hours long, zero Muppets. Did you think there would be Muppets? The Last Emperor, this is...

Nothing like the Emperor's new groove. Silence of the Lambs. Okay, first of all, don't eat people. At least you understood that. It's a moral tale. Secondly, Jodie Foster goes to prison. Some guy throws clam chowder on her. Where did he eat from?

Big chunky bubbles? Couple best picture winners I love. No notes. Green Book, Driving Miss Daisy, Crash, Gone with the Wind. And last of all, the biggest plot hole in any movie I've ever seen. I watched this thing, Schindler's List. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Okay. We all know the Holocaust didn't happen. Oh, boy. What is this? Ha, ha, ha. Oh. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Now your KKKK thing makes a lot more sense now. Anyway, that's everything I've got. Silver screen Sammy, everyone. And now a one-hour Q&A. I see we've reached the two-hour mark of the evening, which... How's the cheese wheel coming? Yeah.

Is that going to come to us at some point? Did you run the show on a time minimum? Yeah, unfortunately. Why? I like people to feel like they got their money's worth, right? I mean, they got a book. Well, I mean, if I went to a concert, I would want to see at least two hours plus. Yeah, exactly. You know, and a Q&A. Yeah.

I think I saw the Strokes once. They played for 45 minutes. No Q&A. No thanks, Strokes. Do you know what the Strokes refers to? A couple of the best picture winners I watched have talked as Strokes, but I didn't quite get it. What?

Well, now's the time when you, we as the audience, would like to rank all of our performers. So we'll put our hands above everyone's head and you applaud for your favorite ones. John Lennon, everyone. Okay. Big Chunky Bubbles. Adam Scott. Jason Manzoukas. Silver Screen Sammy. Silver Screen Sammy, you won! Yes! Yes!

Amazing! Sing the song! Underdog story. Sing your theme song! No, you sing the song for the winner, Scott! I heard you have a musical theater background. And do your dance! Yeah, we haven't seen the Disneyland dance. Scott Aukerman's world famous Disneyland dance. No wait, this was you auditioning for Disneyland and you had to dance?

It was a three-day audition process where we had to learn a dance. Okay. What would you have been... Had you gotten it, what would you have been? I did get it. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean... That wasn't... I didn't know. I genuinely didn't know. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Language. Language. Sorry, Silver Screen Sammy. What was the song that you danced to? Let's see. It was 1987. Right. So... Was it a Disney song, maybe? Maybe.

Oh, that's right. I originally thought it was She Drives Me Crazy, but... It was in 1987, but... Yeah, Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, are we still allowed to say that? Only because it's so scary? I'll sing it if you'll do the dance. How is this the second night in a row? Or a 20-minute Q&A.

Like 20 minute dance or 20 minute Q&A. Whichever one you want, Scott. Come on, let's go out on a hunt. Come on. All right, you want to sing Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo? Yeah. Here we go. But if you forget any of the lyrics. No, I know this song by heart like everyone does. And everyone can sing along if they want. Sure. You ready? Yeah. It begins with Angela Lansbury giving a little spoken word intro.

I'm a witch and it's World War II. Let's have some fun with me and you. Everyone likes to go to the zoo. If you go to...

Scott Ackerman, everyone. That was wonderful. I almost broke my ankle again. Those are not the shoes for that dance. No. Those are loose-fitting shoes. And I think I got COVID for the second time. Sorry. You shouldn't be doing that. You're genuinely winded. At 62, you should not be doing that. 62? All right, everyone. That's our show. Thank you so much.

Jason Manzoukas, everyone. Griffin Newman. Adam Scott. Mike Hanford. And Paul F. Tuckins. Scott Ackerman. Thank you, everyone. Enjoy the book. Come and see my mind. Come and see my mind. Come and see my mind. Come and see my mind. Come and see my mind.

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