Live At The Bell House #2 w/ Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Ego Nwodim, Connor Ratliff
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Brooklyn! What's up? Thank you.

Haven't gotten one of those in quite a long time. If Mondays are made for Kevin Costner's lasagna, you can call me Garfield of dreams. What? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Toss My Salad and Scrambled Eggs. What the fuck are we doing? Hi, welcome to the show, everyone. Great to see you. Bell House, night two. I don't know if you heard, but night one was a scorcher of a show.

I don't know what you expect. Should have been here night one. You really think night two is gonna be good after night one? Come on, even though this one went on sale first? Ugh. We have a wonderful show. My name is Scott Aukerman, by the way. Thank you so much for coming. We are here in celebration of this Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book. You all received one when you came in, I presume. I need verbal confirmation from everyone.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Don't need to hold it up, just a yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Ma'am? Okay, thank you. We're very, very proud of it. In fact, some of the people who are involved in the making of it, some are backstage, some are in the audience. I believe our editor Sam is here. Sam, take a bow. We're back there. Hey! Hey!

We turned the book in and she quit the next day. I don't know whether we made her do that, whether she took a look at the book and said, "This is not for me." But we have some wonderful contributors here tonight to the book. We're going to be talking to them about the book, and we also have some people who have nothing to do with the book. Does that sound fun? I don't know. And as is tradition here at the Bell House, we have one extra chair than what we need.

All right. We have, if anyone wants to jump up on stage and just take the extra chair at some point, I'll talk to you. We have a great group of people here. You guys ready to start the show? All right, let's do this. Our first guest is, he used to live right here in Brooklyn. A fact that he continually talks about. Just even five minutes ago. Oh, when I lived here down the street, I did this thing. Shut the fuck up.

You know him as the co-host of the How Did This Get Made podcast. Please welcome Jason Mantzoukas. You want this one. What's up, jerks? How we doing, Brooke? That's right. I used to live right down the street before there was a Whole Foods. How we doing? Oh, boy. How many people were here last night?

I'm curious. Oh, zero. I have never heard that reaction at any concert. Shocking. That was, I felt for sure there was going to be a lot of overlap. At least one person. That means so many people came last night and were like, we don't have to go tomorrow. You know what? We should just get rid of our tickets, sell them to these fucking idiots. Standing. Don't put your flash on. See you, you fucking idiot.

And that goes for everybody else who wants to pull your phone out and take a bunch of dumb bliss dummy right here. It's like the minute I was like, pulling your phone out and I saw beep. Don't tape my phone rant. Don't applaud it. Don't applaud it either. I don't even want applause. Just put your phones down. Oh, I'm going to get in a fight tonight. Because I'm from...

You're not from Brooklyn. Yeah, no, I'm not. You lived here like what? Three years? What? No, I lived here for 13 years. All right. Plus or minus 10. Plus or minus 10. Three years. Negative seven to 13. Why did we switch seats? Last night we were in the reverse. Okay, I'll sit there. I want to switch back. I swear that you were in this one last night. Oh, yeah.

Well, this one last night was a wooden stool. If you remember, there were two wooden stools. I'll sit here. There are two wooden stools. We should have worked this out beforehand. I don't like where I am now. Okay, how do you feel now? It's good. Oh, this is so much better. Do you feel my residual ass heat? Oh, yeah. Oh, I can feel it just steaming right up through my butthole.

Like all the farts you put in, I'm soaking back up. Come on. It's not that kind of a show. Isn't it though? That's our offshoot show. Oh yeah? Talking Tang? This could have been an episode of Talking Tang, but you said no. You said no, I've got a book to promote. I'm sorry. It's all about books. I'm an author. You keep saying I'm an author a lot. I'm in the library of Congress. Oh, you like that.

Should we do, first of all, if we did the podcast, Talking Tang Driven Milk, should we do a book about that? Oh my God, yes. What would the book be? Because, I mean, this book was so hard to do. A transcription of all of the episodes that eventually got us canceled. Right. Which is certainly what that show would yield. These idiots.

It's so good to see you. It's so great to have you here in Brooklyn. You were supposed to be on tour with us last time we were rolling through here. And I got COVID. I got COVID in Texas. COVID in Texas. Which was not great, I'll be honest. Not a great place to have COVID. The nurse that came to treat me, I said this to you before, did not believe in vaccines and vocally told me so.

vehemently told me so in a way that seemed to be telling me that I was a fool for believing in them while I was violently ill with COVID. - But you had, there are no residual effects. You're all good. Everything is- - So far so good. Knock on wood. - So far so good. This was like almost a year ago. - I don't know. - What do you think is gonna pop up? - Maybe you got that long, you know, it's called long COVID. Who knows when it kicks in? - It's not long time to kick in COVID. - I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe that's how it works. Maybe that's the, it's just a ticking time bomb, you know? And next thing you know, kaboom, brain fog. I don't think a guy like you needs to say the words ticking time bomb while there are cameras out. Sounds like you want to return to, I know a lot of people said last night I didn't do enough 9-11 jokes. Okay.

And they were hoping that I would man up and do more 9-11 jokes. So tonight, my promise to you is twice as many 9-11 jokes. So you're doing 18 over 22? A car in every garage and a 9-11 joke in every pot. We can't do that tonight. Okay. No 9-11 jokes. Great. Last night was apparently too many 9-11 jokes. We're having fun.

We are having fun. It's fun to have you on the show. Oh, I'm thrilled to be here. Are you kidding? I mean, we just taped, I will say, your 14th anniversary show. We did. That comes out on Monday. Which is crazy. Think about it this way. Think about it this way. Like, 14 years. Who here was in, like, high school when 14 years ago? Is this your way of finding young chicks? No. No, no, no. Who here was in junior high when it came out? Right, right, right. Who here was in 15?

Come on, man. And what's going on cup size wise? But 14 years, I mean, you started this, you were 56. And now, it's such an incredible long period of time. Did you feel like this would be the bridge to your old age, this show? It is strange that it truly is.

The one constant from youth to death. Podcast? Yeah, exactly. It is very exciting. You are a contributor to the book. Yes, I am. Let's bring up what Jason contributed to the book, if we could, on the slideshow here behind us. Boom. This is a piece... This is my real headshot from 2004, I think. I couldn't figure it out. My real headshot where I'm inexplicably wearing a ring...

I don't remember being a ring guy, but there it is. And I can see you're propping up your muscle like you're pushing it out so it looks big. Yeah, and I probably just did like 50 push-ups. I'm kidding, probably five push-ups. Just being like, I gotta look jacked. Yeah, and this is a piece you wrote, I mean, for long-time listeners of the show, everyone knows that Jason Mantzoukas is a character. Your real name is Jeffrey Character Wheaties.

And this is a piece you wrote about developing the character of Jason Mantzoukas. Yes, this is a little bit of a peek behind the curtain. Jeffrey Character Wheaties, the explanation of how I built, created, and now live inside of

the human nightmare that is the character, Jason Manzoukas, a character whom I hate passionately. And resent... As do all of us. And resent his existence and the fact that I have to make you hate me to like me? Ooh, that's a real head trip. Yeah. It's a wonderful peek behind the curtain. And one of the best peeks behind the curtain in cinema history is in The Wizard of Oz. Would you agree? Is that the joke backstage you said you had and was going to kill? No.

Can't remember which one it was, but yeah, maybe. You said, set me up, I've got something. If I start talking about curtains, get out of my way. Clear the runway. I'm gonna crush. The bell house is gonna be full of people who shit their pants at this joke.

You can see any performer who goes to the restroom over there from this part of the stage. You looked behind me like someone was trying to attack me. And really all you noticed was someone going to the bathroom. Well, it looked like someone was, I mean, anything in that field of vision is startling. Wouldn't you agree? I agree. I mean, honestly, I haven't even looked this way and I don't care to. These are my people. The people who cared enough to come early enough.

The early birds. Early birds. These are people who want to be by the bar. And then these, I don't even know what the fuck they're doing. No, those people are the against the wall people. They're like, you're not going to get me. I'll see you. You can't attack me. My back's against the wall. These are all the mob bosses. I saw one of them nod like, yes, I am. Yeah.

Yes, I'm part of the organized crime. And I love comedy bang bang. Do you think there's anybody... Is there any overlap? Do you think there's any single person in organized crime, really, real question, who listens to comedy bang bang? Like, waiting to rob a shipping container, it's late, in a car, just listening to bang bang. Listening to bang bang. Oh, shit, I gotta go shoot these guys.

Bow, bow, bow. Give me that. Give me that. Bow, bow, bow. Yep. I love it. So bow, bow, bow. Shoots first and then give me that. Give me that. Ask questions later. And then... That's driving the truck away. Driving away, yeah. Got it. It's full of combination TV, DVD players from Fast and Furious. Much like the first Fast and Furious movie. Was this fun for you to do to look back? And I mean, obviously a lot of the book is people... I don't even know what I'm going to say. What? What?

I lost interest so hard in the middle of that question. You can tell it's the end of this tour. A three-day tour. Exactly. Because you are, I'm looking at you and your eyes are like blink, blink, blink. It's like, help me the same way that Indiana Jones. It's like a CNN ticker. Please help me. Don Lemon fired. It's interesting they weren't the first to report that. Oh no, I'm sure not. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, you read about it on Twitter and stuff, and then suddenly they announce it. It's like, come on. Come on, you're the news. You're the news. If anyone has a lock on this story. If you want us to respect you as the news, you had this one locked up. You knew with this one you could have been first to press. That's what this show is now, political analysis. Imagine, we'd be so dumb so quick. I worry Don Lennon was, Don Lennon? I don't know.

We're in trouble. I am not able to steer the ship tonight. No, but it is... Fuck, I did not... You know what? Just talk about it. You know what? You should take a break. You take a break. Here we go, Brooklyn. We're going to talk about this book for a second, right? I wrote these words. I waited till the last minute. It was stressing me out.

It was weird. It was weird to write a thing from the point of view of this fictitious character that I barely remember from many years ago, but it was very fun and I'm very honored to be a part of it. Again, going back to 14 years in, I mean, here's a show that, you know what? I don't care to pay you compliments.

I was on the verge of it. Come on, pay me one. I was on the verge of saying, wow, here we are 14 years in and people are willing to stand for hours. And it will be a three hour show tonight. Just to watch a 64 year old man struggle to be charismatic on stage. I really wish if you're going to exaggerate my age, you would do it a little more.

Like, it feels too close. It's so much more savage that it's closer. I know. And you didn't do it last night, but are you willing to commit to a 20 to 30 minute question and answer period after the show where the audience can ask whatever questions they want?

No one wants to ask us questions. As long as it's not about comics, because we don't want to talk about comics. No, absolutely not. Nobody's interested. Yeah, comic books, exactly. We'll talk about comedians. Oh, all day, every day. We'll talk so much shit about comedians. That's what this show is now. Lock the gates, let's go. Why does he lock the gates? I don't know. It's from the movie, isn't it? Huh? Isn't it from...

Almost Famous? It's Marin's line from Almost Famous. WTF superfans? Shut the fuck up. Okay. Okay, we got them. Get them out of here. Get them out. Get them out. You fell for it, you dunces. Obviously, I know it's Almost Famous. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. We're going to go through every podcast's fandom and get them out of here. Bring up your podcast apps. If you have any other shitty podcasts on the app, you're out of here.

You have a podcast of your own, of course. How did this get made? How did this get made? Celebrating, I think, if you're 14, that makes us 13. We're 13, yeah. Oh, you're 13? No, no, I'm 14, you're 13. Okay, yeah. Which is also insane. When I started it, I was in junior high. Looking for girls. Oh, yeah. You were 40. And I am not allowed near there anymore. Had to move out of Brooklyn.

It's weird to think about people going to school and stuff while they're in New York. You know what I mean? How so? It's just funny to me. It's like you go to New York to go see Broadway shows and stuff. You don't like... There aren't like real people sitting around. Oh, you mean college? No, no. Anyone. Like, there are elementary schools here. Oh, wow. This is wild to have to explain. You could say the same about Los Angeles, though, when you think about it. It's like, this is where the movies are. No, no, no, no. We all have kids. We all have...

I mean, for you, that is only very recently true. No, no, I'm a dad. Up until like five months ago, you were Captain Hollywood at the Viper Room every night. Getting blowies in the restrooms. Being like, right here's where River died. I was here. I was working the door. Cut that from the podcast. No, cut everything else. That stays in. The podcast starts now.

You're going to have kids, Jay. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. No, I mean, I've got a 16 year old somewhere. Somewhere. Somewhere. Somewhere. I know. I know where he is. What's a him? Congratulations. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. I love it. Everybody's like, wait a minute. Jeffrey Jr. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

I thought I turned it off. I clicked a button and I thought I turned it off. Oh my God, thank God you didn't turn it off. Holy shit, they can still hear me. I would like to have kids. Absolutely, I would like to have kids. Oh yeah. I'm frankly shocked I don't have kids already. I was ready to have kids back in the day. Yeah, because you've been raw dogging it now for... I've been... Listen, I'm raw dogging broads constantly just trying to get them pregnant. We are too close to dripping milk right now. We cannot... We gotta... They shut my mic off. Oh my God.

Yeah. But no, no. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm shooting blanks. Could be, yeah. You ever get that gun tested? Never got my, nope. I don't think it's the gun they test. I think it's the bullets. You ever go into the doctor and they fiddle with your nuts? Well, yeah. I mean, of course. The doctor always fiddles with your nuts. That's part of it.

I mean, you say it like it's a joke, but part of getting a physical is getting your nuts filled with it. It is very weird. Like, you think there'd be a separate office you go for that. Nope. You know what I mean? Like, you go into the doctor. Doesn't that insinuate there's a shame room? Yeah. There should be. I mean, you go into the doctor, he does all these, like, really medical things of, like, looking in your ears and listening to your heart and EKG and all that kind of shit. And then he's like, hey, let me stick my finger up your ass. It's like, it's very, like, let me go to a different guy. Wait, what? What?

That would make it so much weirder. This is the guy that just does the finger in the butt. I want to think about my doctor holistically.

holistically, in a sense that he's doing it all. Not that there's a dedicated finger in the butt guy, because that guy I'm starting to wonder about. Look. Because I'm like, why did he want this to be his thing? I don't care if it's attached to the other guy, like it's an office right next door. I don't care if he's wearing a mask. I don't give a shit. Okay, this is my... You want something different. You're saying it's not exciting enough.

You want there to be like a, and now for this part, go through this door and see what happens. I don't know. It's a strange thing. No, it's not.

It's not. It's a medical exam. It's a medical exam, yeah, but... Thank God. How do they get doctors to do it? The proliferation of prostate cancer for people our age, which is old, is significant. We gotta get that test. We gotta look after each other. Do you promise me that? I promise you. Just don't get that finger away from me. I couldn't... I wouldn't know what I'm looking for.

Spongy? I think. Is that good? Bad? That is weird. Yeah, what are they looking for? I think there's a doctor here. Something tells me there's a doctor here. Is there a mafia boss and a doctor? In the back. What are we looking for if we're in someone's butt? A nodule. So something that feels like it's out of place. That's it. Okay. Now we know. Like a little... So later, when you're after the show, obviously horned up beyond belief...

And if you're a millennial, you're just doing ass stuff constantly. Make sure you're also doing your due diligence and checking for nodules. Look out for each other.

That's our message here tonight. That's our message here tonight. We all need to take care of each other. Turn to the person to your right, to your left, and say to them, I will look out for you. I will check you for nodules, even if that person's a stranger. As human beings. Yes. Wonderful, wonderful words. Thank you.

I'm sweating tonight more than I was last night. Really? Why do you think that is? Are you going for it? Unclear at this point. Unclear. I don't believe it's related to the heat because it seems very cool on stage. Oh boy, here we go. Now you're going to get me in my head. Do you think it's flop sweat? Do I have a fever? Wait, is what? I think it's flop sweat. Oh, because I'm so nervous. No, I can't go on. Have you ever been on stage and suddenly it just hits you what you're doing and you're like, what the fuck am I doing right now?

You're always in character. I'm always like, fuck these idiots. And then I'm like locked right in. And that's what you talk about a lot in the book, of course. Fuck these idiots. I think that's, we had to trim, I think, at least 10 instances of you saying fuck these idiots from the book. Yeah, fuck you, reader. It was very antagonistic to the reader.

But we finally settled on a good tone. Are you happy with the piece? I'm thrilled with the piece. And I'll genuinely, I love the book. I think that everybody here has a copy of it, right? And I know that there's going to be a big surprise that Scott's going to try and organize a book burning after the show. But I think don't do it. Keep the book.

The book is fantastic and is genuinely hilarious and a testament to an incredible thing that you've built. So don't burn it, even though he's going to want you to. Thank you. Jason Manzoukas, everyone. Thank you. No. Bear? I don't shake hands since the pandemic.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. I want you to move down one. You want me to? Yeah. Oh, no, you just want this mic. That's why. Oh, no, I can move this mic here. If you want me placed here, that's fine. Yeah, I think we should both move down. Don't you think? Oh, we both moved down. Yeah. I'm sorry. I get it now. Yeah, well, you can put that mic away. Well, no, somebody's going to need it. Oh, that's true. That's why there's a mic on every chair. Oh, right. Sit down.

I'm just getting my drink. Oh, what do you have? I hid it there. It's rosé. Because I'm classy as fuck and it's spring in New York. Interestingly, it's cooler here. I must be at a vent. Closer to these animals, though. One could get me much easier from here. Are you ready to get to our next guest? I'm thrilled. Guys, we're having a great time. Hi. I don't know who it is. And now he's giving me a shush sign.

Okay. You see him too, right? Wait, what? Oh, I see. We can't see who it is, though. No, I mean, I can't identify him, but... You see him, though, right? Yeah. I mean, I see something. Hey, I'm going to say something because I see something. Okay, go ahead, say it. I see something. Okay, thank you. I suspect it's our next guest.

No, it's not. Oh. No, it's a guy right there. Oh, that guy. Yeah. Oh, thank God. My assumption is that guy's there to stop somebody from rushing the stage. Or he's very slowly rushing the stage. And my question would be, if he is there to protect us, why is there nobody there?

And also, if he's trying to get on stage, smooth move to go slow. It's a little bit like red light, green light. He knows he's spotted, so he's like... And the minute we turn our backs, he's going to be at the blue chair.

It's like the blink episode of Doctor Who. Yes. By the way, I'm in season four. I'm about to be at the end of season four of Doctor Who in a watch that is my first time ever watching it. Your recommendation show is, I'm willing to say it, fantastic. Yes. Riveting. You're at the ninth Doctor, is that? We'll talk about this later. We do need to get to our next guest, if that's all right. Yes. That's who I thought you were saying because they were peeking through the curtain. Oh, they were peeking through the curtain. Okay, wonderful. They were peeking through the curtain.

Well, he is a contributor to the book, which is very exciting. He wrote a script for the book, which is really exciting. He is one of the originators of the art form that we call rap music. Please welcome to the stage, Cal Solomon. Hi, Scott. How you doing? Hi, Jason. We met before. Of course. Great to see you again, Cal. Good to see you, too.

Cal, it's so great to have you on this stage. Hey, thanks for asking me to do it. It's really exciting. What a nice audience. Especially after last night we had one of the worst human beings on earth here. Who was it? This guy Big Chunky Bubbles was here last night. He's not a good guy? You've never met him, have you? No. He's such a fucking asshole. I'll be honest, I really liked him. I really liked him. I had a great time. I really learned a lot. A lot about specifically chowders.

We talked a lot about chowders last night. I'm not expecting you to talk about chowders tonight. I can if you want. Oh, sure then. My knowledge is somewhat limited, but let's go. Okay. What do we know about chowder? Just in order. It's a kind of soup. But what distinguishes it from just being a regular soup? Probably the way it looks. I bet it looks real chowdery. Yeah.

That is a good, to distinguish soups by how they look is a pretty smart taxonomy. There's not that many ways. I guess the way it smells is one. Yeah. I guess also, is it cold or hot? There's one kind of cold soup. Wow. What's the cold soup called again? Gazpacho. Gazpacho. Why don't they make more cold soup? I guess any soup is cold if it's not hot.

I mean... Do you mean, why don't they make more soup that's meant to be eaten cold? Yeah. Not just soup that has cold... Yeah. Cooled off? Exactly. Why don't they leave more soup out? Yeah. Why don't we eat more rancid soup? But who are the ad geniuses who are like, oh, soup, it should all be hot? Wait, are there commercials for soup? Oh, yeah. Are you kidding? Big soup is all over the TV. The Soup Council. Making sure you know it's meant to be eaten fucking hot.

That's the thing, like hot things. That was a great episode of Mad Men. Hot things can burn your tongue. Boy, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Whereas cold things are like, oh, that's cold. Do you know what? But they can hurt your head. Cold things. People, so either you eat something hot and it burns you, or you eat something cold and you go, oh, that's cold. Yeah, you know, it doesn't have the severe effects. Well, but it can, like, give you a brain freeze. Or if you have sensitive teeth, it can really hurt. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you have sensitive teeth? No. I've had... Do you have teeth that you can't even feel when someone touches them? Kinda. I've had 32 root canals. Wait a minute. This is something we have never talked about. Super... Wow. Just a super quick question. How many teeth do we have? 36? I think it's 32, isn't it? 32? Let's ask the doctor. Doctor, how many teeth do we have?

32. There we go. So I got the full set. Did you need 32 root canals or were you upsold? I think I needed them. Because they weren't all at the same time. I don't know. That's an interesting upsell. You're here anyway. Would you like this thing that people dread more than anything in the world? We could just drill out the rest of them if you want.

You'll never have to come back here again. And I haven't. Boy, it was funny. When I had that one tooth that wasn't root canal yet, going back to the dentist, and he would say, that's still looking pretty good so far. And then I remember the following year, he's like, Cal, you're not going to believe it. And I said, I bet I will. Over what period of time did you get these 32 root canals? From 14 to two years ago. I love when the audience is so invested.

That they have a genuine, wow, wow. It's impressive. She's impressed. That's quite an expansive time. So, you know, and now do you feel like almost every time you go to the dentist, you're pretty much fine? Yeah. I mean, they just look at my gums pretty much at this point. Just like a horse? No, it's the dentist. Yeah. And they do the test, you know, where they poke your gums and then they say numbers to you.

Why are they saying those numbers? I don't know. I'm afraid to ask. I agree. I also don't like when you go to the eye doctor. I feel like we should be vastly far beyond number one or number two. Number two or number three. I'm like, I don't know, point a laser at my eye and know exactly... Why can't I point a laser at water and it knows exactly... You should not be pointing a laser at your eye. Point a laser at my eye and know exactly what's wrong with it. Why am I doing these draconian measures...

I always hate it because I feel like there's a right answer and he wants me to say it and I don't want to let him down. Is that a big thing for you, not wanting to disappoint doctors? I don't want to disappoint people at all. Just people in general. Have you ever ended up having needless surgery as a result of just not wanting to disappoint someone? Probably a couple times. Oh, wow. I've had two appendix surgeries. Oh, jeez. Did either of them result in your appendix being removed? The first one, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no.

So the second one was done while the appendix was outside. They put it back in. Oh, a classic in-out. The doctor asked me the next day, he said, your appendix actually seemed fine. And I said, yeah, it was. And he said, do you want me to put it back in? I said, sure. You're very suggestible. Well, that's probably a fault of mine. Maybe that's why I thought I was in the Sugar Hill Gang.

For those of you who don't know, Cal Solomon here, describe your, I mean, not your entire backstory of your entire life, but pick it up around 1982, was it? Well, I thought I was a member, the founding member of the Sugar Hill Gang. And then it turns out I was mistaken. And the guys were very nice about it. Wonder Mike, Big Bang Hank, the other guy. As I recall, Wonder Mike was so nice about it, when you asked him about it, he moved the very next day. He did. He did. He moved away.

And so, but it gave me the taste for rap. And I always want to be good at rapping. And so I keep trying, but I'm not terribly good at it. But I still feel like I could be good at it. Yeah. I mean, you've, I believe we saw you in maybe Toronto or somewhere. And you did a pretty good rap that night. This bit of lore is very helpful for about six or seven people that are here with a new relationship. Yeah.

Who were like, what is it? Okay, I'll go. And they're like, what's going on? I think it's important. I mean, Cal, you're such an interesting person. Oh, fascinating. I don't think so. I really think you are. And one bit of info that we found out when we were on tour this last year was the song that the Sugar Hill Gang sings about, you ever go over to a friend's house and the food is... And it's what you say no good? It was actually about a party you threw. It was a diss track. Yeah. It was the first diss track and I had no idea it was about me. Yeah.

But, you know, look. That's a badge of honor. I'm not the greatest cook. What can I say? Have you ever tried to write a diss track in response? Like a response diss track? I tried, but I just, I would start and then I'd feel so bad.

I would say, like, "Your name is Wonder Mike. I wonder if you even know where the Mike is." And then I would think, "No, he knows where it is." - He's a better rapper than you are. - He's a better rapper than me. Of course he does. - What if you took their structure and sort of turned it to your advantage? Like, you ever have friends come over to your house and they're just really rude guests and spit out your food? - Well, I mean, I would do that, but it would be a fabrication. They were perfectly nice.

So for your experience, you had a lovely time with your friends. I thought I knocked it out of the park. Wow. That's heartbreaking, actually. I had my famous wet macaroni. Oh. Out of curiosity, how wet does it get? I would say it gets downright soggy. So you got that soggy mac. I had the mushy peas. Oh, yeah. Because my mother's from England. Maybe I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, wow. The peas were mush.

And then I had my chicken, which is slow roasted over a wood fire. Oh, wow. It sometimes falls into the wood. Oh. So it's maybe burned a little bit? Yeah. Okay. It might affect the taste. And what did they say about it? They said the chicken tasted like wood. That's very hard to do. It's very hard to get chicken to taste like wood. Yeah. I don't think it really tasted that much like wood, but it definitely puts you in mind of wood when you ate it. Okay. Okay.

Have you ever tried having a dinner party for redemption where the food tastes great? A dinner party redemption? Sure. Have you ever gone on that show, Dinner Party Redemption? No. That's my favorite Gordon Ramsay show. I've never had a dinner party since because I'm so afraid Dinner Party Redemption will come to my house and the host will yell at me. What are you doing, Cal? Oh, call me a dog. This Mac is too sopping wet.

You don't want to be called a donkey by Gordon Ramsay. No, by anyone, really. Okay. What if it were Shrek? If it was Shrek and I was reincarnated as a donkey, then fine. Why didn't the donkey have a name? Did he not have a name? No. They just call him donkey. They just call him donkey. Well, I mean, huh. Wow. This really undid you. That sucks. I felt bad for him. Yeah.

Because he was a human being, is that right? I can't remember Shrek lore. Wait. I've never seen it, but I think he was just a regular old donkey who could talk. That's what I thought, too, but maybe, I don't know. I don't think I saw them all. Is it revealed that he's, like, cursed? Let's ask the doctor. So is the... Are donkeys human beings? Yeah, are all donkeys human beings? Okay. Okay. Is it one of those things where all human beings are donkeys, but not all donkeys are human beings? Could be. Hey-o. Hey-o. Hi. Hi.

Cal, you're such a genial, wonderful, older gentleman. How old are you, Cal? I mean, roughly. I'm of a certain age. Yeah, sure. Okay, great. You wrote something for the book, but also I wanted to show everyone your biography that's in the book, if we could go to that slide. Sure. Because there's a wonderful picture of you. We're all looking at it at the screen as if it's going to change any moment. Is it a magic eye slide? How long do I stare at it?

Oh, I see a dolphin. Wow. Let's all look back and it'll just appear. Is this a prank? It's not a prank. It's a pretty good one. Idiot. How does it feel? I was foolish to trust you. It's funny. No Johnny Knoxville, I. I'm not trying to prank you. We'll get there. It'll show up. Engineer Brett, are you back there? Are you trying to do the slide? The show is going seamlessly.

Home run. Really? There I am. There you are. You have your signature... Are you in prep fighting? What? No, Scott, are you in prep fighting? I don't... I think it was really worth the plane ticket. Could have hired any... I could have hired this guy. This guy. Don't antagonize him. He's almost on stage. Meanwhile, once again, my side remains unguarded completely.

Maybe it's like one of those statues from Doctor Who that you were talking about. Absolutely. Ooh, boy. When you look at him, frozen. That's right. But then you blink and then uh-oh. Uh-oh. So much closer. I like science fiction sometimes. Really? What's your favorite? Blake Seven. You know...

Big Chunky Bubble said that last night. Really? Yeah. Wait, what's it called? Blake's Seven. Blake's Seven? Yeah. It's a British TV show about people in space. Oh, I love that. Seven of them. British people? Yeah. Have you watched Red Dwarf? I'm a fan of Red Dwarf. Also a British show about people in space. Red Little Person. I haven't seen it, no. What's it about?

People in space. Oh, maybe I'd like it. That's why I brought it up. As a suggestion, you might like it. Any other shows about people in space? Lost in space. I mean, they're in space. They don't want to be in space, though. I'll pass on that one. They'd rather be on Earth. Yeah, I guess I like shows about people who want to be there. Yeah. Yeah, found in space is maybe something you would like to be. But they were there. They were lost for a little bit. They were lost. Do you not like Voyager because they got lost in the wormhole and...

What are you talking about? Star Trek Voyager? I don't know what that is. Do you know what Star Trek is? No. This is cool. This is... We are learning so much about Cal tonight. What is it? Cal's living in one of those, like, yesterday worlds. The movie, the Danny Boyle movie, Yesterday World. He doesn't know that Star Trek exists. I heard that Blank Check is going to cover that this week. Yes. The most annoying fan base in podcasting. Yes. Garbage. Trash. Garbage.

But Star Trek, how does one describe Star Trek? They're on a five-year mission. They go up in the USS Enterprise, which is a big spaceship. Captain Kirk, have you ever heard anyone talk about him? No, sounds good. I'm on board. William Shatner? Who? Do you know William Shatner from Boston Public? Shit my dad says. Oh, yeah. Hey, why'd they cancel that show? He said too much shit. He said, I was really enjoying the shit that he was saying. Pardon my language.

No. You're not a guy who curses. I don't really curse that much, no. But when you're saying the title of a show, you're... Yeah, I want to respect the creatives. But what if in your raps you cursed a little more? Because I was listening to the radio the other day and a Ja Rule song came up and I was like, remember in the 2000s when every song you'd hear would have the word motherfucker in it? Do you pronounce his name Ja Rule? If you're classy. I mean, I'm drinking rosé. So I guess I'll say Ja Rule. Ja Rule.

But every song had the word motherfucker in it repeatedly. It's such a weird part of music history. I mean, I guess I could try it. Yeah, do you want to try it right now? Sure. Okay. Do you need a subject matter or? Yeah. Okay, can we go to the crowd for this? Go to the doctor. Okay, doctor. Without getting too specifically medical, what subject matter would you like Cal to rap about? The prostate. Okay. Should I give you a beat? Yeah.

Hey, you piece of shit. Did you ever go to see a doctor and have your prostate checked? Well, you dumb fuck. He puts a finger in your ass. Then you say, motherfucker, get it out of there. Why did you do it? I'm only 10 years old. Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cal, I'm not going to lie. Cal, this might be... You might have just cracked something open. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I just got a text, the Sugar Ale Gang wants you back. Do you know what happened there? You found your voice? Here's what happened. In my mind, I was like, okay, make it an age that's too young to get your prostate checked. And then reduce by 20. I think 10 popped in because it was one syllable.

You were trapped in syllabic prison? I really was. Well, look, I'm not a great rapper, and so... By the way, up until now, I would agree, but based on what I just saw, disagree. Yeah, you had something. We just saw you come into your own. Did I have any rhymes? Who needs them when you have whatever that was? I think you discovered you don't need rhymes. You need to tell a story.

This really opens up a whole new world for me because I thought rap had to rhyme. Not at all. Who decided that at the beginning of rap? It's so weird, right? Probably Big Bang Hank and one of my... Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. The other guy. So now, modern raps, are they not rhyming at all? They don't have... You can do whatever you want. You can rhyme or not. Jason, I feel like you're being kind to me, but I feel like you're skirting the question.

Are there raps that don't have rhymes in them? Oh, there are many raps that don't have rhymes in them. Jason. No. Rhyming is still a big part, right? It really is. It really is. I had a feeling. But don't feel bad. Don't feel like that needs to exclude you from rap. Yeah, there have been pioneers in so many fields. True. You know. Wow. That was the pep talk I needed. Wow, Scott.

Scott, you are a good dad. Okay. You could pioneer non-rhyming rap. Yeah. About 10-year-olds getting prostate checks. And like Two Live Crew, it will be taken off of the shelves. Tipper Gore might get involved. That would be fun. Now, hang on. What she's up to. What she's up to? What she's up to. What is she up to these days? Don't Google that. Why? Is this something bad? She passed away. What?

Did they suspect foul play? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Poker face is on the case. Bullshit. Well, Cal, we're looking at your photo. Yeah. When in doubt, go to the slide. The words cover it up, but I'm giving a thumbs up.

You are. You're giving a thumbs up right there. And you're wearing your signature hat. Wrap. That says wrap. Yeah. Which we talked about it on an episode. It used to say crap, but you took out the stitching of the C. No, you say W-R-A-P. Oh, W-R-A-P. Yeah. Right. I understand why you filled that in. Was it a wrap gift from something? Yeah. From the Americans, perhaps? Yeah. But a lot of people, maybe you don't know, it's right there in his bio. Yeah.

The show The Americans was based on a situation that happened to you in your life. Yeah. You used to work for the CIA. That's right. And you had some neighbors that you were exceptionally close to. Yeah, and then it turns out they were Russian agents, and they were always wearing wigs and glasses. Were you able to tell they were wigs and glasses? Afterwards, sure.

Wow, but you interacted with them quite a bit and didn't clock any of those. We had dinner at each other's houses. Wow. Yeah. But, you know, at that time, you know, in the early 80s, everybody looked like they were wearing a wig. True. It's true. You didn't notice they smelt of spirit gum? I just thought that's the way they smelled. Some people smell weird. Yeah. I guess, yeah.

I mean, it's a terrible situation. They based the TV show. There was a character based on you. Stan Beeman. Was there at any point during the process of the making of the show, did they consider you to play the part inspired by your real life? I didn't know they were making the show at all. And then the night of the premiere, somebody dropped that hat off at my house. Wow.

Just the hat. Well, there was a note. Just the hat that said rap? There was a note that said, Dear Cal, please enjoy this rap gift from the series premiere of The Americans. By the way, this series is based on the end of your career at the CIA when you were fired in disgrace. Sorry. Oh, so they apologized. They did, but... More sorry for the situation, not...

Saying that they had any culpability in it, right? I thought they were saying, sorry we made a show about the most humiliating moment of your life and didn't tell you. But are you thinking they're saying, sorry, we didn't have anything to do with... No, I feel like they were saying, like, we feel empathy, we are sorry empathetically about your situation, but we're not going to change our behavior. I didn't get that from it. I got that they were saying, we did this and it's going to make you feel bad, but here's a hat.

- Let me ask. - It balances out the other side of the scale. - Did the hat make you feel better? - It did. - I mean, not for nothing, the hat made it into the book. - It's a good hat. - I mean, it's right there. - I mean, it's been a real boom in that sense. - When you saw the hat, did you consider leaving the W on or did you get a seed of an idea germinating? - Well, when I got the hat, it was clearly very cheaply made and the word wrap was off center. And so,

Yeah, because that rap is right in the center. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can imagine the W really throwing this out of whack. Yeah. So I got a seam ripper and I just took the W out. Did you ever consider taking the R out? Why? So it could just say AP? No, it'd be WAP. Oh. But it would be WAP. Although, maybe a better song. Wet. Ask Pussy. Ask Pussy.

That, I mean, that pause is so pregnant. Yes. That pause is like, what's wet? Ass pussy? Okay. All right. I didn't see that coming. But don't you think it's confusing? How so? Because the pause makes it seem like, pardon the expression, ass pussy is a specific thing.

So you're saying it's almost as if the A and the P are hyphenated, like wet ass pussy. I mean, I would think that would be the strunk and white in that situation. It's my favorite. The elements of style. That's right. I was going to say, it's my favorite Bond villain. Ass pussy. I thought you meant strunk and white. No, strunk. What if they showed up in a Bond movie? Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Look out, everybody's grammar's in trouble.

- I'm just imagining that for a while. - Take your time. - Yep, thank you. - So you decided to take the W off and you were like, hey, this fits in with my ultimate goal, which is to be a rapper. - To be a rapper. - Incredible. - And so I wear it for all my rap shows.

Are you doing live shows? Yeah, I didn't know you were performing live. I've done a bunch. I'm sort of doing micro-touring, which is I do various places in the same town. Which town? The town you live in? Yeah. Which is where, just in case anybody wants to come down and support and see you and, you know... In Patterson, New Jersey. Great. Patterson, New Jersey represent? P&J. So you're doing...

When you say you're doing little shows around town, these are at local businesses or? It's a series of outdoor concerts. Is there in Patterson, is there like an outdoor amphitheater? Is there some sort of venue? No, I'm going a different way with it. Great. Where anything can be a stage and a venue. Is this all the world's a stage? Yeah, sure. The Immortal Bar. It's the Immortal Bar. Yeah.

We are mere players. Speak the speech. Out damn spot. Are you saying, though, that you're... Are you just doing this on the street? I was quoting Rush. Red Barchetta. Hey, what about that song, Trees, where they talk about how mean the trees are? Honest to God, trees are fucking mean, though. Was this used in the film, The Happening? Boy, what a scary movie that was. Oh, boy. When the plants got mad, and they were like, we're gonna make you walk backwards for a little bit.

And then you're dead. And everybody had to run away from the plants. Oh no, plants. I mean, if I had to walk backwards, like how far do you think you could walk backwards without tripping? Four feet. That's about right. So it's dangerous. It is. That's why I don't do it. I walk straight ahead. Unless I'm opening a garage door. Good point. You don't have a clicker? No. Hmm. Hmm.

I felt like I could become a target if I had electronics like that in my house.

You'd become a target? Well, he worked for the CIA. Yeah. Sure. Oh, you mean like they used the electronics to spy on you or to... To prank me. Oh, to prank you. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of the old guys from back in those days, you know, some guys... CIA, they're like jackass. They're notorious pranksters. Well, no, not the CIA. They're KGB. Oh, I see. Because there's a lot of grudges that are held in the intelligence forces. But if you humiliate yourself, then they just prank you. Hmm.

And so these guys would prank me a lot. What were some of the things that they would do? Sometimes I'd be on the phone and I would hear, you know, on the landline, I'd hear like a clicking. And I was like, somebody's listening in on this call. And then I'd hear a Russian guy say, yeah, it's us, Cal. We got you. LAUGHTER

Wow, so you really, you knew what was going on, but you just didn't see it as a, and did they fire you or did they just offload you to some subsection? No, they really fired me. They fired me hard. And they said, they made it really clear when I got fired. They said, Cal, you're fired. And I want you to know, you're completely fired. And there's no way back from this. You're done. You're fired.

But did you show up the next day? Yeah, George Costanza just... You did? Yeah, I thought it was a prank. And they said, Cal, I know we do a lot of pranks around here, but this is not one of them. You're fired. And if you come back here again, we're going to take away your pension. And I said, what do I do here?

Because you don't want to fall for it. You don't want to fall for it. You don't want to fall for another prank. Yeah. Like you don't show up the next day and they arrive at your house and they're like, what are you doing? So here's what I did. I paid a guy to dress up like me. Smart. And go in there. And then as soon as they said, we're taking away your pension, I had him rip off his disguise and say, ha ha, I got you. And then he was executed. So that's you pranking the prankers. Yeah. And so then what happened? He was executed.

Because you can't just go into the CIA. Oh, God. And do you feel at all like that blood is on your hands? I feel bad about it, but... How did you know him? How did you find him? I put it in the paper. Oh, wow. This was casting? You put a call out, somebody that looks like you? Yes, I said, fun prank. Costume will be provided. What was the costume? My guess is it was this. It was just my clothes, yeah. Hmm.

Members-only jacket. Sugar Hill Gang t-shirt. Some pleated khakis. A replica of the rap hat, because I didn't want to lose that. Wait, how'd you get a replica? I made one. So you would go to the CIA office wearing the rap hat? No, no, no, wait. I'm getting my timeline wrong. Because I was exiled to New Jersey, and that's when I met the Sugar Hill Gang. Oh, right. So I wouldn't have had the rap hat. Or am I trying to throw you off the trail? Ooh. It's interesting, like...

Wouldn't this be incredible if you were still in the CIA now? Can you imagine? And this was all some sort of... You're not, are you? Of course not. Why would I be? Everything I say is true all the time. Okay. If we ask you, you have to tell us the truth. Because, like, it would be so smart of them, knowing what's going on, to embed someone in podcasts. Yeah. To try to cancel us. Did you say if you ask...

Did you say, if you ask me, I have to tell you? Yeah. That's not true. It's not? No. That's from movies. He can lie to you if he wants. Who lies more than the cops? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people think that's true, but the cops don't operate by Rumpelstiltskin rules. Yeah. That's why you're constantly having to give them your babies. Every undercover operation would be foiled immediately.

I like how this back here keeps coming up, connecting to Brett's iPhone. That was happening last night, too. So you're, but, I mean, you would tell us, right? Of course I would. I love you guys. I would tell you if I was in the CIA, but I'm not. You're not? No. I don't think I ever was, frankly. Oh, wow. So you think the whole thing was a prank? Yeah.

So, wait. So you had the same relationship to the CIA that you think you had to the Sugar Hill Gang? So your entire life story is a series of pranks or misunderstandings? Someone in here furiously updating a wiki. We learned so much about you, Cal. It's so incredible. Cal Solomon, everyone. Oh, man.

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Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy. Cal, can you stick around? Sure. I don't have anywhere to be. You don't have to go back to New Jersey? No, or the CIA. Or the Sugar Hill Gang. Do you come into the city often?

Yeah. That's great. I go to Junior's and eat a cheesecake. A full cheesecake? Over the course of the day. Yeah. I call it Cheesecake Day. Wow. It's like that scene in the Rooney Mara movie. Who? Let's introduce our next guest. Let's get your next guest. He is... Do you know who it is? I do. I'm trying to describe him.

He's a, well, he's a very interesting person. You're doing great. He's a man of the cloth. Please welcome Pastor Pasta. Brooklyn, New York. What an amazing city. Hallelujah, Scott. Hallelujah, yeah.

Hallelujah. Pee-pee. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah to you. Hallelujah to you, though. Cal, have you ever met Pasta Pasta here? I don't believe so. Hallelujah, Grace. Oh, my Grace. No, it's a pleasure to meet you. Cal? Cal? Yeah, Cal, Cal. Okay. Do you like pasta? Sure I do. What kind of pasta do you like? Spaghetti. Basic? Okay. Cal, do you consider yourself to be a basic bitch? Yeah, sure.

Kyle, you're so agreeable. I like you. I like you too. Okay, very cool. I figured you'd say that. Do you mind if I'm not overly religious? Is that okay? Well, let me ask more questions. Sure. What do you believe in? You're born on Earth, and you live for a while, and then you go to the void. Okay. Okay. All right. And do you believe in the void could be a heaven or a hell? No, it's just blackness. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough.

I don't actually deal with the afterlife. I never thought about it myself. Really? Really? Never thought about it. Because pasta, pasta, pasta. I literally worship pasta. And what I'll tell you what, pasta ain't going to save you, but it will fill you up. And that's a fact. Did you come up with the name first or did you? Do you mean money?

Yeah, I mean, meaning like, were you already named Pastor Pasta and you were like, oh. Yeah, when I was born, yeah. My mother named me Pastor Pasta. She knew I was going to be a clergyman. She knew. She did know. She did know. So she named you Pastor Pasta. And I had to live up to it. And then you became a person of the cloth. So are you Father Pastor Pasta? Father Pasta. Let me think about this for a second. Everyone look away. Okay.

Everyone look back to the back of the room. Can we turn the lights out completely? Turn the lights out completely. Lights out completely. Lights totally out if we could. Full blackout. So much so that it's dangerous. Yeah. Including the exit signs if we could. And turn off the fire alarms. Is that possible? And lock the doors, please. And the gates. No. Well, you

I'm not Catholic. I'm not Catholic. Oh, okay. No, no, no, I'm not. Yeah, I'm not. Cal, did you just want to make a noise because we were making noise? I wanted to show that I was paying attention too. Now, Cal, if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? It's fun. I'd think about it. If they made like a fun noise on the way down, I'd be tempted. But what if they made a painful noise when they got there? That would probably keep me on the other side of the bridge. Yeah.

Okay. Well, no, no, I'm not Catholic. I just want to be clear here. I don't believe in God. You don't believe in God at all? No, no. An atheist. You are an atheist. Sure, I'm an atheist. Yeah, that sounds about right to me. I believe in pastor. Sure.

Pasta has never let me down. Do you know I'm gluten free now though? Wow. This is an astonishing new wrinkle. Huge update to the wiki. I'm gluten free. Wow, that's huge. What happened? Well, I had raging diarrhea. Oh, wow.

And the doctors, they did all kinds of tests on me and they discovered I'm gluten-free. They discovered I had a lot of gluten in me, but I should be gluten-free. There's a doctor back here if you want a consultation. There's a doctor here. Yeah. There's a doctor. I only see the doctor if y'all turn the lights off, lock all the doors. If you need a second opinion, he's right there. There's a doctor. What kind of second opinion? Would he assess my fecal matter? I don't know. Are you cool with assessing fecal matter while you're here, sir? I don't hear a yes. Yes.

But it's also not a no. I feel like it's been a different voice from the doctor every single time. It's almost like a different person playing the doctor. Huh. Oh, boy. Right, Jason? So... I came here all the way from Italy. Please don't waste my time. You're from Italy now. Yeah. Where do you live? I was in Italy. You were in Italy. Yeah. Where? I was in Pasta Tano. Worth it.

That one was for Cal. That's good. A little inside joke. Yeah. That's beautiful. Cal told me I should say that backstage. Oh, good for you, Cal. That's great. Thanks. Cal actually said he didn't want credit for that either.

begged me not to give him credit. It did a lot better than I expected. It did well. I told you it was good. But it also genuinely appeared to be a genuine miss here at the moment. Yeah, it's true. Anyway, we don't have to walk this joke out too much further. I think it did what it needed to do. Yeah, I'm from Pasta Tano, Italy.

So you are from there. Yeah. The beautiful seaside. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. You're coming from there. I'm jet-logged. I am jet-logged. That's when you're constipated. I'm jet-logged. You know when you travel, you tend to get constipated? Sure. Yeah, well, that's what happened. Oh, I get it. They got a name for the sleep. All sorts of backed up. All kinds of backed up. Real backed up. Jet-logged.

It's the only time my poop is solid is when I travel. But it's going to be solid now because I'm not doing gluten no more. So yes, I'm coming from... I'm coming... We're learning so much. I'll take that from you. You don't need that. I'm coming... I'm coming from Pasta Tano.

Beautiful. Sir, do you have questions for me? No, please, go ahead. No, don't give him that microphone. If you must, if you must here. No, I was saying he should give you his. Okay, give me that back. I'm not giving mine up. I would love to just, I just want to look at it to see what, make sure it works. Hello? Okay, yeah, okay. Would you like mine? No, I like you. Okay. Okay.

Okay, that's enough of that shenanigans. I almost did not want it back. The show would be so much more fun to do if I... Just got to sit back and watch as a fan. Didn't have to talk to her. Are you a fan of your own program? Am I a video what? I believe the past asked, are you a fan of your own program? Oh, uh, sure. But not...

But now you got me wondering, did you say am I a video what? It felt like a setup. You wanted me to ask you if you're a video vixen. So fine. Are you a video vixen, Scott? Yes. Okay.

Yeah, anyway, all kinds of backed up and out of sorts over here, all right? Yeah. Because in Italy, you can't get gluten-free pasta. Right, yeah, it's illegal there. It's illegal. I did go to jail for a little bit. Oh, no. My trip was supposed to be one week. I spent a month in jail, so I was there five weeks total. Yeah. That's terrible. Y'all don't want to ask me what I did? Of course. What did you do? You're not supposed to ask a prisoner what they did to get in. Really? Okay, so then we won't. Okay. Okay.

Scott what? Scott's obsessed with the fact that a photographer has arrived behind you. Okay, well let's all pose.

Okay. But I can't help but notice the man guarding the stairs is gone. So they're like, it's a free for all now. No, he's right there. He's on his phone. Oh, he's down there. I don't feel safe. He's just scrolling away. Meanwhile, the photographer was able to access the stairs. No problem. Anybody can walk up here and punch all of us. Yeah. Maybe he's calling for backup.

That's the deal. If you want to get up here, just carry a camera with you wherever you go. Next thing you know. It's almost like the third act of The Bodyguard where there was the gun in the... Yeah, go on. Gun in a video camera. Oh, yeah, absolutely. The Bodyguard with Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner. Yeah, you ever see that movie? I've seen that movie. I haven't seen many movies, but that's one I've seen. Oh, that's great. Do you remember the three rules from the poster?

Okay, see, now that's where you lose me. Is that a movie? Yeah, from the bodyguard. Okay, keep going. Did you think the three rules from the poster was the name of a movie?

Listen, again, I can't stress how out of sorts I am. I understand. Totally jet-logged. Jet-logged and jet-lagged, okay? Of course. They go hand in hand. But when you're constipated, you can't think straight. No. Try it. Because you've got shit for... Try. You've got shit for brains. How many people up here are constipated? Oh, no.

It's you probably got a gluten intolerance. It's definitely that. You got a gluten intolerance. So tell me about the three wolves. Well, there's always one I can't remember. But the first one is never let her out of your sight. Okay. Then file missing. Okay. Then never fall in love. Okay. You know, I don't remember these details of the film. I usually listen to it to sound off.

Everybody's just so beautiful in it. Because for you, Whitney Houston is best enjoyed without her vocal performance. You feel like that detracts from the performance. I think so, yes. I stand by it. I stand by it, yes. You watch her national anthem, too. I have seen the national anthem. I've seen it. Yep.

Were you kneeling during it? With the sound on or off? No, I'm standing, baby. I'm taking my hat off. I go get a hat just to take it off. Yeah, I stand on a table during it. Oh, really? That's how into it I am. So anti-what are you? Yeah, what does that mean? Tell us more. You don't want your feet on America's ground? Tell us more about you standing on a table during the national anthem.

I guess the opposite of kneeling would be getting up on tippy toes. Stretching up. Cal, did you graduate high school? I sure did. Very interesting. They just let anybody graduate. And I say that with all due respect. That's how I take it. All due respect. All due respect, certainly. I would never disrespect anybody up here. Ever. Anyway. Give me that microphone. I don't want to get distracted by your questions.

I'm the problem here. No, no, no, Cal. I'm sorry. Cal, we're friends now. How long were you in Positano? Oh, questions. Okay. I was there for five weeks. It's like nobody ever listens to me. And was it a food-based tour? I was in prison for four. Sure.

I was in prison for four. I was there hanging for one. I did one week. I was there for five weeks. I meant to be there one. Am I lying? Scott, you don't have a microphone, honey.

Prior to being imprisoned, were you on a food-based tour? Were you learning about new pastas or were you just like consuming all sorts of delicious food? What was the point of the trip? I was looking for a lover. Whoa. I love that. I was looking for a lover. I wanted an Italian lover. I want somebody to make me pasta. I got one of them pasta makers for Christmas. So this is like an eat, pray, love scenario? I was mainly just eating. Yep.

I was mainly eating. Scott wants to say something here. He's pouting. He was pouting. What? Nothing worse than somebody... Go ahead. Go ahead, Scott. So you got a pasta maker for your birthday or for Christmas? For Christmas. But you don't know how to use it? I didn't know how to use it. So what do you do? You try to find somebody... I flew to Italy. I flew to Italy to figure it out. Right. Why is that funny, Cal? Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else. Now, Cal, you got to tell us. What were you thinking of? I was thinking of when I got recruited for the CIA out of college. How long did you do it? Get recruited? Yeah, how long? Took all day, didn't it? How long were they pursuing you? Well, they said they were looking at me since senior year of high school because I bugged all my classrooms. Oh, okay. Wow.

Like you're a little wiretapper, like a junior Anthony Pelicano? I thought the teachers were so interesting. I wanted to hear what they talked about when we weren't around. You know what? That's pretty smart. That is interesting. Anything juicy come up? No, they were just all alcoholics. Oh. Very interesting. So I went to Pasta Tano. Pasta Tano.

To learn how to make pasta. You were there for four weeks? And to find a lover. I was there for five. Five weeks? You were in prison for four? Four, yeah. Right. Did you get your back blown out? Or did you learn how to make a solid tagliatelle? I did both. Was it by the same person? I had plenty of time. No. And I didn't get my back blown out just once. Okay. I didn't ask just once. How many times did it happen?

At least three times. So four. You want to know an exact number? Yes, four. Once a week? Once a week. So while you were in prison? In prison, I was not getting my back back. No.

I was making pasta, actually. It was, you know, I never forget. Like Goodfellas? What's that? Like in Goodfellas when they make pasta? I've never seen that. Tell me more. Oh, wow. Tell me more. Well, they make pasta in prison. It's a very long sequence in which they're in prison, but they're doing all of the machinations of making a delicious pasta dinner. They do? Okay, well then, yeah, like Goodfellas. Sounds boring. It sounds boring. I don't remember this. Have you not seen, you've not,

seen good I've seen it it just sounds boring that's okay I thought maybe you were making pasta like here we make the felons make license plates yeah okay and in Italy in Italy we make that's where all the pasta really hard raviolis that people put on the back of their cars yeah yeah something like well something whatever you make in prison comes out the same consistency it's got to go on the back of a car whatever you make we would actually make the pastas for the olive gardens in Italy

Wow. There are Olive Gardens in Italy. Yeah. Really? I wouldn't expect that. Really? Yeah. Okay. Don't make me take that much. All right. I'm sorry. Did you go to any of the Olive Gardens or were you focused mainly on... No, no. I was focused mainly on... What were you going to say? I was going to say the Italian restaurants that are not American chain restaurants.

Yes. What'd you think he was going to say? Well, you know, I started, you got to let people finish their sentences is a thing. I didn't even know what I thought he was going to say. Yeah. I just jumped right in there. So is this a relationship, the person? Who was blowing my back out? Yeah. No, no strings attached. And sync style? No, no.

Yeah. Yeah. Bye, bye, bye. And then I went to jail. Yeah. We said bye, bye, bye. And I went to jail. Well, we said bye four times. And then I went to jail. Yeah. But I did learn how to make a tagliatelle. That's great. Yeah. And I will never tagliatelle. You gotta do it. This is a comedy podcast, right? No.

Sort of. Did Cal give you that one, too? Cal did give me that one backstage as well. Cal said he wanted credit for that one. He said, this one's yours for free, but I want credit for this one. Yeah, but it was fantastic. My time in jail. It was beautiful. Even jail in Italy is beautiful. Everyone's handsome. Yeah.

and strong and olive skinned. Yeah, it's gorgeous. What, Scott? Have I made you upset? You're looking at me with such disdain and disbelief. I am not. That's just Scott's resting bitch face. How do you feel about your co-host calling you a bitch? It's fine. Okay.

Pastor, are you a man or a woman? I've never been able to figure it out. Well, I was actually, you know, I was going to say something when you said about my back getting blown out. I was going to ask you if you thought I was a man or a woman. At this point, I have no idea. I don't think I've ever known. Scott, I don't know if we're legally allowed to ask that. You're not allowed to ask. In the workplace. But I am a man. You are, okay. Clergy man. Okay. Yeah. And that's canon? Sure, Nick. That's canon.

That's Nick Cannon, yeah. This is a comedy podcast, right? So that joke has 12 kids. Okay. That's a legacy joke, okay. Well, are you just yes-ing me? Okay. Please, anybody. I'm an open book. I am curious, as a pasta-based pastor... Sure, sure.

Do you tend to a flock? Are there people? Are you trying to convert people to this religion? A flock of believers. I don't give a flock, and I don't tend to a flock. No. No. No, I don't have a flock. I don't have a church home. I don't have... What, Scott? You're looking at me like you're really upset. Are you unhoused?

that's a bit of a complicated question because I'm in a tiff with my landlord. Oh no. Yeah, we got a film into the Toronto International Film Festival. So you and your landlord made a film together? Oh my God.

That is huge! Congratulations! Pasta, pasta! Thank you so much! I mean, so many films that premiere at Toronto go on to be Academy Award nominees. That's incredible! You ever say something that gets so sad? Cal, did you want to say something? Can you give us a taste of what it's about? I mean, this is exciting news, Pasta Pasta. Congrats! A real filmmaker here. Yeah. Yeah.

I can give you... I absolutely can and will give you a taste. The film is... Well, also, I just want to say... Well, no, let me stay on track here. The film is about... Stop looking at me like that. Do you want us to turn our backs to you? Everybody in the house turn your backs. Everyone turn your backs to Pasta Pasta. No, not you, Cal. Okay. Indignation.

Indignant. The film, and I'm going to just close my eyes. Can we get the lights out? Maybe we could not turn the lights out. They will not turn the lights out. They turned them even higher when we asked. They do not respect that request. It's a liability issue. Okay. The film is about a mouse. Not Mickey, not Stuart. Are we just eliminating mice now to see which mouse it ends up being, or...

That's a good tip for screenplays. So when you introduce a character, make sure you steer people on the right path. Say, it's not this guy, it's not that guy. I just wanted... This is how we pitched it as well. And we got funding and got into TIFF. Okay, so it's about a mouse, not Stuart, not Mickey. Okay.

that has been living in this abandoned home for some time. Some big wig developers come to... It's not a comedy now. This is a drama. Some big wig developers come to renovate the place. They offer the mouse some money to give him... Are the developers also rodents? No, no, no. These are people.

So the people respect the mouse's ownership of the property? Well, this film takes place in year 2075. We have a live in unity with animals. You really buried the lead. I got an idea. Let's just roll the clip. Okay. Okay. Do we have the clip? Okay, let's roll the clip. Here we go. Okay.

No, are you a mouse or a human? Who, me? Who's in there? Mouse or a human? Why, I'm a mouse, of course. Okay. How long have you lived here? For approximately seven years. Well, I think this human to us. I told you I'm a fucking mouse. Now this, this fucking mouse isn't a mouse. Are we all mice? Mice. We're developer mice. But who is mouse?

Wait, do you live with me? Okay, let's pause the clip. Wow. Wow. That was gripping. I love a movie. See, that's what I loved about this movie as opposed to so many other movies is this movie dares to endeavor to help us understand how these people come to understand who they are to each other. Right.

I don't think I've ever seen a movie where the characters didn't seem to know where they were, who they were, their relationship. But fearlessly examining it. But that's the beauty of it. How often do you find yourself lost and wondering, who am I? Where am I? Not often. Does that happen to you? These are the tenets of improv. Ask more questions. Forget location. Forget relationship. No buts.

No, but always. Always. Discredit your scene partner. Throw them under the bus. If there's no bus in sight, build a bus and throw them under. Okay, let's keep going. Okay. I see there's three minutes left in this clip.

We maybe only have time for about 30 seconds more, but let's roll the clip. 30 seconds is still quite a lot. Scott, I don't want to show a clip. It can't be incomplete. I'm sorry. Well, no, okay, we'll do the whole thing. Okay, yeah. So, I'm a mouse. I live here, too. How long have you lived here? You're my roommate? Who the fuck is this guy? I'm Don Stewart, and I'm not Mickey. Okay. Wow. Ha!

My name is Judge Dredd the Mouse. Judge Dredd the Mouse? Surprise! Okay, I gotta pause it again. Okay. Wow. Now, obviously for people listening at home, the Judge Dredd Mouse reveal will be new, but visually we saw the mouse in the helmet. Right, right. So we knew what was coming, but it still was electric. Like he confirmed it. Wait, wait.

Our landlord and I made a movie that could also just be enjoyed as a podcast. That was our whole goal. Visually, yes. It's beautifully shot, directed. We got Spielberg to direct it. So smart. Spielberg directed this. Spielberg directed it. Is it Steven Spielberg? Mark Spielberg. Mark Spielberg. Got it. Mark. Mark. Mark.

No relation to Steven either. As far as you can get. He made that movie The Story Guys. Yes. Oh, have you seen The Story Guys? Yeah. It was okay. We should see The Story Guys. Well, let's go back to the clip. Let's roll the clip. Yep. So what is your business here, Judge Stray? I like that everybody's looking back at it. Everybody's like... That's where the screen is. That's where the screen is, of course, that we're all watching the clip on. Let's back the clip up one second. Yep.

Brett, hold on. I don't think you did it. We'll back it up one more second. Can you go back one second? Okay. So what is your business here, Judge Dredd the Mouse? I'm working as a developer now, and I'm going to steamroll your house. I thought from the description, the developers were humans. I want to just pause the movie. I just want to pause the movie. You're going to pause. Yeah, because the developers, they are humans, but first a mouse comes.

A mouse developer. You don't need to tell me this. Like the mouse is the envoy of the game? I was ahead of it. Okay. All right. Fine. Play the movie. I'm just fucking around. With what part? The Judge Dredd part? Yeah. I'm not even really a mouse. You're not a mouse. What are you then? I'm a hamster and a half. Wow. Wow. That's different. Yeah, but different. Do you have somewhere to live?

Not as such. Well, we live together, right? Oh, message received. I'll go fucking kill myself. Oh, wow. Let's pause it there, only because...

Wow. That's a pretty dark topic to include in this film. Well... I feel like he took it the wrong way. Yeah. Well, no. Well, this is the thing. This film touches all kinds of themes that people can relate to. We've all felt a little down and out at times. Of course. And wondered what it would be like to not be here, right? Yeah. Right here on stage. To transpose those emotions on... Let me grab this from you. You are one step closer to being offstage. Let me go grab that from him. Okay.

I was just gonna say, what an inspiration to transpose those feelings onto a mouse, you know? So that we can really be inside of that story. Right, right. And so you could see yourself inside of a mouse. Right, exactly. It's heartbreaking. Correct. It's really sad. It is. Heartbroken, yup. I was devastated. I'm devastated too. Are we doing a Meisner exercise? Are we doing a Meisner exercise? Oh fuck, we're doing a Meisner exercise! Holy shit.

Okay. Should we roll the clip again? Roll the clip. All right, here we go. Everyone gets down sometimes, but probably 75% of us don't kill ourselves. Yeah, don't do that. That's a really encouraging statistic. Thank you. Yeah, just come live with us. We've got a room for you. Can I talk to you for a second? Okay, yeah. Yeah, what? What's up?

What the fuck do you think you're doing? You're asking this hamster to live with us. It's my house too, bitch. Okay. I pay all the bills. Can I pause it right here? I can't help but notice, while these two characters are having an aside, the third, the Judge Dreadmouse, is tying a noose.

It seems to me these other mice are being irresponsible. They'd rather bicker with each other than tend to the emotional needs of their friend. And isn't that always the way? And that is what life is like, isn't it? Oftentimes we get caught up in our own bullshit. And then you don't see somebody in need. A friend in need. Exactly. This really feels like themes. Thanks, Cal. Let's go back to the clip. I can hear you! Just give us one second now, okay? One second is all I need.

Let's pause it there. And it's crazy because the Judge Dreadmouse just leaves with the chair from this scene, leaving the other two mice to continue their conversation. Again, ignoring his calls for help. It's really messed up. But think about it. It's a moment for everyone to think, how have I ignored a friend in need in my life? Have you done that, Pastor Boston? Ignored a friend in need? Yeah. Absolutely. No. Yeah. I've had friends say, I really need someone to talk to. And I'm like, good luck with that.

It actually sounds like you. Yeah, I'm like, listen, I don't remember. I don't believe in God. I just worship pasta. I mean, come on. What do you expect? And also, you've got your own problems. I mean, you just spent four weeks in an Italian prison. I'm actually quite nice because I am technically unhoused. Okay. Yeah. So we gave you four cots and a hot. What?

Four cots? Is that a euphemism for sex? That would be way too many cots. Way too few hots. Exactly. Four cots and a hot. Maybe a callback to a previous episode. Got it. Missed it. Somebody will pick it up. Somebody will talk it. What if you could sleep in a different bed four nights in a row? Oh, man. That's the dream. But only having one meal across those four nights. Yeah.

I mean, listen, I don't think that's a bad deal. Yeah. Would you choose four hots and one cot or four cots and one hot? I would choose four cots and one hot. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? What about two and two? Chuck Woolery style. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Is this a trap? Am I going back? Are y'all going to send me back to prison? No, no, no, no, no. We're going to watch the rest of your movie. Oh, my God. Thank God. Okay. Here we go.

I can't believe we're so close to the end of the movie. Man, I can feel those credits coming so quickly. We're in a movie? This was just our lease. You didn't know? We're all just fictional creatures in an uncaring world. Yeah. No. Our destiny is predetermined. Sorry. No. It's almost 2076. 10. 10.

Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Happy New Year! The end. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Incredible. Thank you so much. I did. I will say...

I feel like from the first scene we saw, it really telegraphed the end of the movie. Yeah. I just knew it was going to end with a countdown. Also, it's weird to show a clip of the movie that shows the very end of the movie. Sure, sure, sure. That was an interesting choice on my part. I will take accountability. I'm big on accountability, and I'll take it. You are? Yeah. That's impressive. I'll take it, I'll take it. Listen...

We got... It was a bit in war for our film. Wow. A bit in war. Wow. Yeah, it was huge. Who ultimately got it? Ted Sarandos, just for his... Netflix. No, just him. Just him. No.

Netflix did it. Was he doing a catch and kill with it? Yeah, he caught it. He wants to bury it. He caught it and he killed it. But we did get paid for it. We got paid a beautiful lump sum of money. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was gorgeous. It was stunning. Wow. It was like a nodule of money? It was a nodule of money with glitter on it. Yeah. Glitter and... You should get that checked. Was there an option for lifetime installments like the lottery?

No, no, no, no, no lifetime installments. Just the one and a lot of tax taken out. And are you feeling like you're going to take that money and just, you know, retire with it? Is that what sent you to Italy? Well, see, I've never really worked. So that was the biggest job I've ever done. Are you going to pour this money into your next project? Well, yes. I would love to learn to make a new pasta. Okay. Maybe tortellini.

Rick and Tony. Do you think you and your landlord will ever make another movie? Wait, what's your landlord doing? I'd love to hear from him. My landlord is in landscaping now. So he only does land-based jobs. He's lording and scaping as long as it's on land. If it don't have land in the name, I ain't doing it.

That's what he told me. He told me point blank period. Yeah. So I don't know if we'll make another film. We would have to get into a TIFF for sure. You want to get into the festival first? Or fight, yes. But usually TIFF came to us.

Really? Yeah. And they just... As she said. Oh, wait, you mean Tiffany? Somebody named Tiffany? This is a woman named Tiffany. A woman named Tiffany, but we call her Tiff. It's a weird little nickname we have for her. It's not that weird. Yeah, a lot of Tiffany's are called Tiff. We made it up. No. Usually Tiffany's are called Annie's. No.

At the very least, Fanny is. Fanny, I think, is what it might be. Are you guys hearing this bullshit? All right, pasta, pasta, everyone. Can you stay? I guess. Would you rather not? No, I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. Happy to be here. Where's the next guest going to sit? I just got concerned is what happened. They'll sit on one of the stools. Well, hopefully his back isn't blown out like yours. That's true.

That's true. We have one more guest, and this is someone who also did not contribute to the book, someone who has not been on the show before either, and I got word that I was supposed to have him on the show. I don't know why. I've never met him. I don't know anything about him, but please welcome to the show Mr. Books. Hello, Scott.

Hi, Mr. Books. So nice to meet you. This is Pasta Pasta, Cal Solomon. Hi. Jason Manzoukas. Hello, Jason. I'm Scott Aukerman. I know who you are, Scott. But you don't know who I am. Well, I know you're Mr. Books. Well, then you know that much, don't you? Yes. He's got you there. Wow. He just owned you.

I see you have a copy of the Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book there that you're silently stroking or you appear to be miming stroking. Is he supposed to be loudly stroking it? Well, that'd be weird. Wow, you just got owned, Scott. You're just getting decimated tonight. Why are you fondling the book, if I may ask? Well, it's so exciting when a new book is published, isn't it, Scott?

It is very exciting. The people here all are here in celebration of it. Mr. Books is going to kill you. I don't know that I've ever seen someone wear Blues Brothers sunglasses so ominously. Wow. What a reveal. You walked right into that. And now you don't know how to turn them off. Leave it on.

How many settings altogether on those? Well, let's find out. Blinking. One, two. Slow blinking. That's a slower blink. Look the same. Okay. Steady. Steady. Static. Off. Four. Wow. Four. Four counting off. One for four different moods. Yeah. Three cots and a hot. Mm-hmm.

Scott, I want to congratulate you on the publication of this fine tome. Thank you so much. Mr. Books, everyone. Thank you for coming. No! No! What? Oh, there's more. Now, Scott, this is your first book? Yes. Okay, that explains a lot. I don't know who dropped the ball, whether it was your publisher or whether you don't read your emails, but nobody publishes a book

without giving Mr. Books a look? That's all I ask. That's all I ask. Just give me a look. Let me see it. Let me see the book. You got a book? You want to put it out? Give Mr. Books a look at the book. Are you saying if I put a book out, I'm supposed to give you a book? Not just you. Everybody. Everyone in the world? Everybody who has ever published a book gives Mr. Books a look.

Are you saying gives him a book or a look? A look. Give me a look at the book. Let me look at it. Let me see it. What's it look like? Give Mr. Books a look at the book. I will tell you yes or no. Wow. I will tell you yes or no. Yes or no. Whether it can be a book. And this is the way it has been since the beginning. Of books? Yes.

Now you're catching on. I'm just, I mean, I'm curious. I mean, the Gutenberg Bible? That's a book. But did Mr. Books get a look? Yeah, they gave Mr. Books a look. And that was all it took. Okay. Now, Scott...

Your publisher didn't say anything to you about me. I, uh, to be honest, I get a lot of emails. Abrams is the publisher. There's some people here. You can blame them. They're back in the corner over there. No, no, no, no, no. If they stuck around. Edited by Scott Stokerman. That's you, Scott. You're right here on the front. Is this you in the green shirt? Yeah, me from about seven years ago.

And you will notice it says edited, not written by. I want it to be accurate. Yeah, a lot of shared labor in this one. Wait, why don't you give a shit, Mr. Books? Well, normally I wouldn't. Scott, normally I wouldn't, but normally I get a look before. All right, well, fine. Mr. Books, if you want to take a look, be my guest. I'm looking, but it's too late now. Now, Mr. Books, do you read? No. No.

I don't have time. I don't have time. So many books come out. I'm sure you have to look it up. You have any idea how many books? If I had to read them all? So those are not corrective lenses. No. Mr. Books, I have a question. All right. Did you think that Cal wanted a high five and you were going to... I thought that's what we just did. I'll always take one.

But my question is, when you get a look at a book, but then that book later comes out on paperback, do you have to look at that one too? Every edition. Not every printing. Do you understand? Break it down, Mr. Book. Come to the center of the stage, Mr. Book. Come on, find your light, Mr. Books. Yes. All right, so at the front of the book, you'll see some numbers at the back of the book. One, two, three, four, five. It's the opposite of the end of your movie.

You're right. You're right. Now, that means this is the first printing. When it goes to a second printing, everything about the book will be the same, but the number one will drop off. You'll see two, three, four, five, six. I don't need to repeat this. We all understand the pattern, right? Book is the same, different printing. Now, if you go, you're going to add stuff to this, do a new edition for paperback? I don't know. I don't know if anyone gives a shit yet. Scott, do you plan ahead for anything? Anything?

This is the kind of shit that Mr. Books could help with. I could have had this book in every grocery store in North America. I don't know that I want it there. That's your core audience. Everyone who shops for groceries, when they're in the checkout, the cashier says to them, would you like a copy of the book? Seems like that would slow everything down so much. Not your book sales. Good point. What do you... Since when...

Go through your archives. See if any episode of your podcast you've ever expressed any concern about the speed with which groceries are sold. You won't find an example of it. He doesn't care about that. Now all of a sudden this is a top concern. We've got to sell the groceries faster. You're here to sell your book, Scott. I'm sorry, Mr. Book. You're right. You're right. I want to sell the book.

So maybe I'll do a second printing? Did your publisher even try and hook you up with Mr. Books? And did you say no? This is the first time I'm hearing of Mr. Books other than right before the show. I got a handwritten note. You know, Scott, I like you. I think you're a fun man. That makes one person on stage. I think you got a little clever with this. And I think the problem is... Are you a reviewer? I have never read a book, Scott.

I'm telling you what I see here, and this is a book. The title is Comedy Bang. Bang. What do you think about that title? Two sentences. That's rare. You don't get... Most titles aren't even one sentence. It's rare you get two titles. You punctuate one space. That's youthful. Then the word bang again. Then you say the podcast. Then you say the book. It's confusing, Scott.

I think that's where the mix-up happened. It's funny. I get it. You do? Yes. You're having fun with what you call it. It's a podcast. Now you've made a book. Why not have some fun with the title? Should we get offstage? I understand it, but somewhere I think this really fucked you, Scott. Because I could have done a lot for this show.

Were you offered a dust jacket as an option for the book? No. This was not a conversation that was had. I don't recall. It's a hardcover book. It is hard. But no dust jacket. It's fairly hard. I mean, no dust jacket. It's not melting in my hands. It's hard. You think anything that's not hard melts in your hands?

I think if something melts in your hands, it is no longer hard. Do you disagree? You could be holding my penis right now, and it wouldn't melt in your hands. Wait a minute. What do you mean? Yeah, I'm like, wait, hold on. Let's dig in on that for a second. I'm just saying. Yes, if I was holding your penis, it would not melt in my hand. What is your dick like an M&M? What is this? It only melts in your mouth, not in your hands? Scott, I don't think you and I are... Sir, I thought this was the kind of person that you were supposed to protect us from.

How did this guy get on stage? All right. Scott, you're really antagonistic to Mr. Books. Wait! Now he's trapped on here with us. That guy just saved himself. Meanwhile, unfettered access from this side. I'm sorry, Mr. Books. What can I do to... Scott, you're a first-time author with a confusing title book.

Just promise me. Because here's the thing. If this had a dust jacket, it wouldn't get so dusty. Yeah. I noticed that backstage. The books were dusty as fuck. Dusty book. The books were dusty as fuck, and I thought that was weird. You're putting this out in the world. Everybody here going home with a dusty book. No jacket. No jacket.

Mr. Books, what was that note you just slipped into the book? I remember when Scott was thinking about it, he said that the book was no jacket required. Weirdly enough, that popped in my head too, and I opted not to say it. I said it, it got nothing, and I'm thrilled. Interesting. Note folded into this book. Please see Mr. Books. Did you think your name was Dr. Books? No.

- Are you a doctor, Books? - Are you a doctor? - You have to answer. - Are you a doctor? - You have to answer. - If you're a doctor, you have to tell us. - If you're a doctor, you have to say. Find your light. - My name is Mr. Books.

And I'm a medical doctor. Whoa! Huge reveal! Wow! Huge reveal! A lot of huge reveals here on stage. A lot of huge reveals. Yeah. Doctor, so you are here to say you are now Doctor Books. I've always been Doctor Books. Wow. But you say Mr. because it's more of the people? Yes. I know I already come out pretty intimidating. Are you kidding? You're like some sort of book-based Rick Rubin character.

Cosplaying as John Gabrus.

Scott, promise me we will have a conversation before any new edition. You're going to add a little something for the soft cover? I don't think... Soft cover? I don't know that we're getting a soft... Hopefully, I mean, I hope that it does well. I hope people like it. Well, here's the thing. If it was a trade cloth with a dust jacket, you'd get a soft cover. But when you go with a fairly hard cover, the publisher's going to say, well, it's already soft enough, isn't it? If you're lucky and you go hard too long, eventually you get soft.

That is medically accurate. And that's from a doctor. Are you a urologist? Yes. That's why I know when you were talking before, it made no sense. I don't think you had to be a urologist to know it didn't make no sense. No, you don't. Yeah. You don't. You don't. Anybody know that? Anybody know that just because you put a penis in your hand. Just because you put a penis in your hand.

Doesn't mean it's going to melt. Everybody knows that. Cal, that could be a rap. Cal, maybe that could be a rap. What was it? Just because you put a penis in your hand. Everybody knows. Just because you put a penis in your hand doesn't mean it's going to melt. Listen.

Listen up, dumbass. I'm gonna tell you a fucking story about your dick. Just because you put a dick in your hands doesn't mean that it's gonna melt. When you touch it, you gotta say, hey, get off my dick. I'm afraid it's gonna melt. I am a

I'm a guy who has a penis and I have a lot of fear. I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of a big old baseball bat. If you hit me in the face with a bat, my face will be crushed and that is that. So don't hit me with a bat.

I would like to keep my face, my skull bones, my eye sockets, my cheekbones, and all the rest. Everybody's got to go to my house for a nice dinner party where I serve the wettest macaroni that you've ever heard of. Love that. That's right. And the chicken, that is more wooden than Pinocchio.

You heard me. Everybody knows the peas are mushy because my mom is from Great Britain. Everybody likes to go to my house for dinner. Except the Sugarhill Gang. That's our show, everyone!

Connor Radliff! Ega Wodup! Jason Mantzoukas! Paul F. Tompkins! We love you, Brooklyn! Enjoy the boat!

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