Mo Welch, Carl Tart, Greg Hess
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Comedy Bang Bang

No shirt, no shoes. Now I have ringworm. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah yes, thank you to J.D. Bamba, in all caps too. J.D. Bamba, I think is how it's pronounced. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman. And it is always great to break off another hundo. That's right, this is episode 901. We are breaking off our 10th hundo, if you can imagine.

In just a mere two years, we'll be up to episode 1,000. That's incredible. But we love breaking off new hundos.

And there's no better group to break off, said Hundo, than with this group. Coming up a little later, we have a former athlete and current coach. And we also have the owner and proprietor of a children's footwear store. So that is, I assume they're the owner and proprietor. I would imagine they propriet it as well as hopefully own it. But we'll find out about that in a little later.

In a little bit is what I meant to say, not in a little later. I am so sorry. I apologize. Is our editing machine still broken? Yeah, getting word it's still broken. That's going to go out exactly as it occurred, unfortunately. But you know what? Let's get to our first guest of this new hundo, our 10th hundo.

Very exciting. She is a stand-up comedian of note. And what do you think about being a stand-up comedian of note? I love it. I'm making business cards tomorrow. People have noted that you are a stand-up comedian. That's the review. They've just noted I do that. She has a wonderful new, I'm going to call it a docu-special? Yeah.

Like a hybrid of a documentary and a special, although wouldn't if you were truly making a portmanteau of documentary and special, wouldn't you shorten special? So it'd be docu-eshal. You're right. You know, 901. You still got it. Yep. 901. It's called Dad Jokes. And we're going to talk about it here. And it's her. She's joining the exclusive one timers club. This is exciting. Please welcome Mo Welch.

Thank you. No, no one has to clap. No, no, no. It's a podcast. There's no audience, but you're here. I always pause. I always pause for applause. I said it was such verve and force that it seemed like there should have been just a thunderous, you know, level of applause here. But unfortunately, there is no audience. But welcome to the show. It's so good to see you. Thank you. You know, I...

I drew that at some point. That's my comic right there. You're pointing to either my phone, which I don't think you drew my phone. I drew that. You're pointing to my glasses, maybe. I don't know. Yes. Or you're pointing to this picture of my daughter. Yes. Or you're going to have to be more specific than just gesturing towards a million things. That cartoon head. What?

Which one? This one right here? Right there. Yeah, that's my cartoon. Okay. So at some point, I know I'm in the one-timers club right now, but at some point I was sitting at this table. That's right. Wow. So on what occasion do you recall? I don't. I don't recall. Have you ever done a podcast before? This is my- Little lady? No, I'm a one-timer. I'm a one-time podcast guest.

It's so great to meet you. So great to have you on the show. Big fan of your the comedy of note that we discussed earlier. And I watched your special and let's roll up our sleeves. Let's get into it. What do you say? Let's do it. OK, this is now a lot of comedians put out a special almost true to the point where.

they're not even special anymore. They're just, they're normals. I agree with this, you know, and yet you put out a hybrid, which I'm going to call it docu-eshal. This is a mixture of standup comedy as well as something else. Do you want to tell and inform our listeners regarding as to what that might be? I will inform. I made a documentary about going to see my dad if

for the first time in 20 years. 20 years. Yes. And then I put stand up around it because it, you know, just to cut the tension.

Did you always think he was going to have stand-up around it? Was that the intent? No, no. Or were you just kind of filming? I thought it would just... Well, you know, on the road before we had some shows like on the way to go see, you know, I went to like New York and stuff and we had some footage from there and then it just kind of looked... It ended up being like 35 minutes, the whole thing. Of stand-up or of the documentary of your day? Oh, yeah. And so...

We had to make it closer to an hour. Right. How close is it to that hour, by the way? I want to say it is like 58 minutes. Really? It seemed longer to me. Maybe it was. That's what I like when people. It seemed longer. It seemed like really long. Well, let's let's discuss it. You haven't seen your father in two decades up till this point when you made the film. And what were the reasons behind that?

We moved... So when my parents got divorced, we moved from Central Illinois, which is featured heavily in the doc. So much so that...

Other than the stand-up, the approximately 25 other minutes. Yes. 35 other minutes. It never seems to veer out of there, does it? We're just stuck in there. And that's how I felt when I was a kid. Just stuck around those cornfields. There's not even... You know, that town that I'm in, in the special... In the Eshel. It is... No, no, no. In the docu. Is...

under 400 people live there. There's not even one store. And that's where I was preteen. There's not even one store. What does that mean? There's no place where anyone sells anything. There's no business. There used to be a gas station when I was a kid and

And we used to go, we used to walk a mile to go to that gas station. That's tough when the gas station goes out of business. The gas station. Like the one profitable, like oil. And it's, believe it or not, believe it or not, it's not because of electric cars down there. So just there's, there's not enough people. They're not, I mean, it seems like they would have to drive to go buy their groceries. So the gas station is like,

Making hay. Yeah. Maybe making hay is the better business out there. That would be nice. Yeah. I'll be right back. So it's a very small town. What is the name of the town? Armington. Armington. Yeah. So people like look down at their bodies and they go, I don't know, let's just name a town after this thing. Absolutely. So you grew up in Armington.

You moved away after your mother and father got divorced. Right. And then what happened? So then we moved to Oak Park. Oh, you moved somewhere. We moved to Oak Park. Now this is in Illinois. Yeah, that's right outside Chicago. Yeah. And so we moved there and then we just never see this guy again. He just goes off.

He's got his own life. He gets married to Penny. Never seen her wear a bra. It's fine. But he's got all of his stepchildren. He gets a new family. He doesn't have any more natural children of his own? Well, not that we know of. But there have been some messages. There's been some Facebook messages. So he marries someone else and just never has occasion to ever swing by Oak Park.

Yeah, well, he did on my 18th birthday. He came up to take me off the child support, but he didn't come to say hi. Yeah. And, you know, I have four siblings. So it was like it was a lot of kids to leave in the dust. Right.

Did he pay his child support the entire? No. He never paid it. He never paid it. Yeah. So when you turned 18, it was a big day for him because now he doesn't have to pay it anymore. Yeah, he wasn't even paying it anymore. And you know what's kind of fun? When they go to jail, when those dads go to jail, the bail is set at like $5,000 and all that money goes to my mom. So my mom's always like, God, I hope it gets pulled over. You know?

Use the money. Could use that five grand. And so the last time you saw him before this experience was when you were 18? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Around 18. Yeah. So you're... Maybe... No, no, no. Before that, it was like... Maybe it was like...

Because he came up, but he didn't come to say hi to me. So maybe it was like 15 or 16. Now, this experience in having this type of father in the docu-eshal, you note that this has led you to writing a certain type of humorous story.

Punchline and Setup. We call them jokes. Punchup comes first, then Setup. So you've written a lot of jokes about your father. Yes. And you were wondering why that is. Right. So I had all these jokes about my dad because to me it was like...

I don't know, it was easy, but I always thought, oh, that's funny. Even though looking back, I'm like a lot of audiences, you do that setup and they're like, where is this going? God, this is depressing. And I kept going though. And, uh, and, and, but that's what I asked myself before I did this special. Cause I was just like, okay.

Why do I have all these jokes? I don't even know this guy. And so I compiled all the jokes I had and then I wrote a bunch of new ones. And I thought like, oh, maybe I'll get some new experiences if I actually go meet him because they were all like in the past childhood jokes. Right. And now you want some adult.

dad jokes. Yeah. Hey, so I met my dad and this happened. Yeah, I met my dad and that was weird, you know. So you you do a you you chronicle, which is a fancy word to say that you film yourself. You chronicle this journey to

The far off town of Indianapolis. Is that where he is? In order to meet him, you set up a meeting. We don't see the ins and outs of the setup of the meeting, but you reach out to him. Yeah. And I had a few friends that it was like a three person crew and we go out there. And so they had his number and so they were able to speak with him, you know, text with him.

And I didn't know if he was going to show up. Right. Yeah. I really didn't until like the second I saw his truck and I was like, oh,

Oh, shit. This is happening. Yeah. So, yeah, it's a cross between you doing stand-up about the experience as well as doing some of the jokes that you've written in the past about your father. And then a lot of you getting there and revisiting your old haunts. Right. Including the graveyard and there's one very funny part where you go to a certain place.

knock on the door. And yes, I go to. Well, my dad used to live in this trailer in Atlanta, Illinois. And that's confusing. It is. It's illegal. My sister lives there, too. And so you're like, I don't like it.

Yeah, because like they all talk like they're like, you know, go to Atlanta, Illinois. And it's like it's just the Atlanta, Georgia accent is so much better. It should be like IMDb where or SAG, where if you name a town, you can't name any other town. Exactly. You know, because then we would know where the Simpsons live.

Yes. Yeah. Finally, the mystery is solved. But so Atlanta. So you your your father used to live in this trailer in Atlanta, Illinois. Yeah. He's living in this trailer. And this was like the last time I saw him. And I was. Well, yeah. OK. So then I was 14, 14. Yeah. So it's 14. And we were at his trailer. And we're.

He had this girlfriend named Jeannie. And anyway, so he, I don't know where he was. Is that not your main to the story? You kind of like toss it off. No, I was just like laughing because this didn't make the special because it's so fucked up. But one time Jeannie told my older sister, this is so sorry. Oh, that's all right. This is, I mean, hey, we take the light and the dark here at Comedy Big League. She was like, all I remember, two things about her. She made us goulash.

And she told my sister that my dad had a big dick. How did this come up? I don't know. That's the two facts I know. And then she told me and I was like, I don't need to know this. It's only so much goulash until you got to start talking. And then...

What else? What else? What else? What else? So you go back to this trailer in the special. Yeah, so I go to the trailer and I try to knock on the door because it's the first time I got my period was at this trailer. So then I go try to find the people that live there so I could tell them that I got my period in this trailer. Yeah.

Then you'll have to tune in to see. You'll have to see the reaction. Yes. And so it's a combination of your stand-up, you preparing to go to the meeting and visiting your old haunts. And then finally there is the confrontation, although that makes it sound way more heated. The meeting. The meeting.

The meeting between you and your father. The reunion. Yes. And so it's a combination of all these things, but very funny throughout. You're kind of, it's not incredibly serious, although you do, there are some serious parts where you're talking to your mother about how she kept going and having five kids. But it's very funny all throughout. And how do you like it?

Are you proud of it? I hate it. What? You guys shouldn't watch this. No, I was really proud of it because I just had this idea and I was like, I should go see him. Why don't I bring a camera? And then, of course, I regretted that before meeting him. I was like, what did I do? But I was proud of it because I just paid for it myself. And then I recruited a few friends and we were just like, yeah. Did you pay the friends?

No, no, I did. Yeah, they get paid too. Well, it's very funny. It's on Hulu currently. People can access it via Hulu.com, I would imagine, or some sort of app that they would have on one of their devices.

They would put in to the search bar, probably, I mean, dad jokes would probably make it come up right away, but you could probably put up dad and then. You see, just go down the list of things that are named dad until you get there, but watch all of them. I bet that it would be no later than fifth. Yeah, dad.

Dad, dad. What else is named dad? Daddy dearest. Daddy daycare. Oh, daddy daycare. Yeah. You think Daddy Mr. Deeds. Daddy Mr. Deeds. That should be the sequel to Mr. Deeds. Daddy Mr. Deeds. He's a father now. I love this idea.

I own the idea, by the way, since you said it on my podcast. I've already mailed it to myself. Well, it's very funny. It's touching. And it's a good encapsulation of who you are as a performer. Thank you. You're welcome.

Okay. All right. Now, let's get down to business here. It's all over the internet. You're starring in The Office reboot. Wow. Well, starring is a big word. Well, it's an ensemble. Are you the Jim and or Pam? I'm at the bottom. Okay. So, you're the... Who's at the bottom of The Office? The bottom of The Office is the one we go, Stanley. Hey, that one just said something. Wow. They got their one line in. Hey, that one. Hey.

Hey, that girl just said something. Have you filmed this already? Yeah, we filmed the first season. The whole season? Yeah. So it's actually coming out. And I'm a writer on the show, so I was in the writer's room. So you're the BJ Novak of The Office. Everyone's saying it. Everyone's saying it. Everyone's saying I am a stand-up no, and I'm the next BJ Novak. So how many episodes is it? When's it coming out? Give me all the details. I don't know when it comes out. Tell me everything. You know.

Let's make it exclusive here on this show. We're breaking off a new hundo. What if they cut every line I have? What if? Gosh, you ever think about that? That'd be funny. I mean, but the thing is, is you get paid when that happens. Sure. I know it's like, yeah, your mom bragged about you. Are we really doing it for the money, though? Yeah. I mean, the money's great. Yeah. You're rich now, by the way. We haven't talked about that. Yeah, yeah. After dad jokes. After one season of television. After funding my own special. Yeah, I'm pretty rich. Sure.

And who else is in the cast? I know you got Alan Havey, right? Yes. And... Oh, you got Tracy Letts. Incredible playwright, Tracy Letts. Yes, Donald Gleeson. Yeah.

Sabrina. Is that how you pronounce it? Donal? Or are we all just guessing every time we talk about it? It took me a while to learn it as a Midwesterner public school gal. So you've got Tracy Letts, an incredible playwright, Donald Gleeson, a British actor. Yes. And

You have... Tim Key. Do you know Tim Key? I don't. He's hilarious. He's also a stand-up performer. Okay. Or one-man show sort of performer. So you got some comedians in there. Yeah, I've got some comics. Okay. Yeah. Alan Havey's a comedian also of note. Yeah. And is it...

Is it fun to do this kind of thing where, like, I assume that you're always coached to just look at the camera after every line and go like... Well, you are... I kind of wish that's all I did, but... Just always just be like... Yeah. Anytime anyone else talks. They're like, that girl looked at the camera. What if you were just looking at the camera the entire episode? Like, one of the cameras. That would be great. I wish that were just my character. I'm just tracking the camera wherever it goes.

They're like, that's not how it works. And you're like, everyone has a different relationship with the camera. That's right. But it must be fun to do that classic office style. Yeah, it's fun to be on a set like that for sure. And it was, I mean, it was my entire year last year. So that was interesting because I mean, I was on tour at the same time. So yeah.

So you were on Zoom acting or? That'd be great too. Just looking at this camera. Yeah. I mean, they make you self-tape these days. It's like, why can't I then self do the part? It would be great if there was one character. Everything would be like that 30 Rock COVID episode. Yeah.

But it's a fun show. You were saying how many episodes and when to come out? Ten. And I don't know when it comes out. Seems sus. Let's call someone at NBC Peacock. You would think it would be a post-Super Bowl kind of thing. Or is it for Peacock or is it NBC? It's Peacock as far as I know. Maybe it's NBC. I have no idea. They don't tell me anything. They don't tell you anything. You're sitting around in the writer's room. There must be some goss where you're like, hey, when does this come out? Ear to the door of every executive.

Me trying to figure out information. Wow. Well, it's a secret apparently, but it's coming out at some point soon. And it may be on Peacock where the Traders is as well as Deal or No Deal Island. I can't wait to watch that. That's tonight. Yes. We're taping this on a day where the Deal or No Deal Island has an episode. So this is a very exciting day for us. We're not only breaking up a new hundo, but Deal or No Deal Island is on tonight and we'll get to see exactly what happens with it.

uh the suitcases the suitcases are the star the island the island is number two on the call sheet right cases are number one i think they all share number one every suitcase i've never seen that show but i'm so interested how did they do that they just took a reality show and they said let's put it on an island like wow yeah it would be fun to do like jeopardy island wheel of fortune island jeopardy island it really is like deal or no deal is the the

a show that has no drama because it's like basically a coin flip island. You know, it's like, is it going to be heads or is it going to be tails? Yeah. And then you have to guess which one it is. Imagine having to get that wheel from Wheel of Fortune to an island. Man, you'd have to break it up into at least eight pieces, I would think. You'd have to put that on a plane. To fit it in the overhead bin. Well, yeah.

Uh, the office, what's it called? Is it called the office? Like the paper, the paper. Yeah. Now the office sold paper. The paper sells offices. What does this use? Any of this makes sense? Exactly. No, that's exactly what it is. Okay. My character is just like selling different office space, office space and different. And then there's the movie office space. Yes. Which who knows what they're selling. They never even go into it. Do they?

This is crazy. I don't know. But The Office, the paper edition, comes out soon. But most importantly, Dad Jokes is out there right now on Hulu. Everyone should check it out. Mo, can you stick around? We have some great guests. We have a former athlete. Did you ever play any sports? I did. Which ones? Basketball. Basketball. You're tall, right? Yeah, mostly basketball. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I was a forward and then a guard. Right.

Forward and then a guard. Okay, well, I don't know that our former athlete knows anything about that particular sport, but we'll find out a little bit later. We also have the owner and proprietor of a children's footwear store. So this is a packed show. We're breaking off a new hundo today.

So this is I mean, you must be very honored right now. I'm so honored. I'm so honored. I can't wait to hear about children's shoes. Sure. Great. All right. Well, let's take a break when we come back. Dad jokes, of course, on Hulu. When we come back, we're going to have more with Mo Welch, more comedy. Bang, bang. We'll be right back after this.

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Atlantic Union Bank. Any way you bank. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Mo Welch. Dad Jokes is out on Hulu right now. While you're there, you can check out everything else on Hulu, like those weird movies or those documentaries like

Like a day after. The music documentaries, too. Yeah, music documentaries. But like a day after anything happens in the news, there's like a Hulu documentary like Luigi Mangione or whatever his name is. Like the mind behind the killer. It's like, how did they slap this together so quickly? And you're in that esteemed company right now. Yes. Dad jokes. I'm in that, too. Oh, really? Mind behind the killer. Yeah.

We have to get to our next guest. He's a former athlete. I don't believe of basketball, although I can't recall if he played two sports, much like who are the two sportos? You got Michael Jordan, who played baseball and basketball.

You have, who else? Is there another team? Deion Sanders? Was that Deion? Well, here he is. Yeah, let's talk to him. This is Coach Prime. What's going on, Scott? How are you? Scott, what's going on with you, baby? Not a lot going on. Scott, boy, you're looking good. Thank you so much. Boy, I tell you, Scott, you're looking good, boy. Thank you so much. This is Moe. Moe, what's going on with you, baby? How are you? You're looking good, Moe. Moe was saying that you might have played two sports. I did. Which ones? I did, Scott. I played football.

And baseball. Football and baseball. So you, why does everyone make baseball their second sport? Like, you know, is it easier? Because you got to hit that thing. You got to swing that thing.

Scott, you got to swing that thing. Okay. That makes sense. Scott, I know you be swinging that thing. Scott, don't you act like you don't swing that thing, Scott. Look, I played softball once in a charity game. Softball. Do you like the balls to be as hard as possible? Hell yeah. Balls got to be hard. How hard is a football? Is it like just a stone, like granite or something? A football is about, how would I describe it?

Let me think here. Football is about as hard as a church wafer on Sunday. A church what on Sunday? Wafer. A church wafer. A communion wafer. A communion wafer on Sunday, yeah. Imagine a bag of communion wafers getting thrown at you. Ooh, God, you'd hate that. In prison, someone comes by with a pillowcase full of communion wafers. And they beat you up with it. Yeah, exactly. They let you know that you're on their turf. You're in the D block. Yeah.

Coach Prime, it's great to have you. Scott, it's great to be here. And you look good. I don't know that I do, but I appreciate that. You, of course, have Coach Prime as one of your nicknames. Neon Dion was one. Name some more. Prime time. Give me some more. Come on, Scott. Give me one more. I know you got one more. Those are the only ones I know. I know you got one more in your pillowcase. That's all I have. Did you have another one? I don't know. That's up to you to figure out.

But now you coach football. The Buffaloes, baby. The Buffaloes. Hey, we coming. Okay. Let me tell you something right now, Scott, because that's why I'm here. Because my son, Shadur, is leaving. My best player, Travis Hunter, is leaving. My other son, Shiloh, is leaving.

It's got any dogs. And why are you here then? Because I don't see any dogs here. I see those. I need those guys. If anybody, if I need one thing to make sure that the Colorado Buffaloes are still coming next year and coming hard.

Because these boys coming hard, Scott. How old? I've never been able to figure this out. How old are the people who are playing on your team? Between 18 and 30, I guess. Oh, right. So they're adults, though. Yeah, it's college, Scott. Oh, it's college. Then you go to college, Scott. Very briefly. Where you go? Are people still in college at 30? They can be. You can go to college at any time. Like playing football? You can go to college at any time. I guess. So why don't you just get a bunch of NFL players...

Because when you get to the NFL, Scott, you lose your eligibility. Once you become a pro, you're no longer an amateur. Okay, so that answered my question. I have a few years left. You got a few years of eligibility left? Yeah, I got a good arm. Mo, I need dogs. Okay. Mo, are you a dog? I'm a dog. Okay. Yeah.

Well, you sign up. You sign up. You come on out. Is there a sign-up sheet? How does one? Is there a sign-up sheet? I'll be posting a sign-up sheet outside your house on the cork board. All right. Well, you might be able to get some really interesting players then. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Name them. Name them, Scott. Who can I get? They're all dogs. First of all. I need dogs. Cactus Tony. Oh, he has a dog.

So do people have to study as well, or can they just take football? Everybody got to study, Scott. I don't play around with them books. You got to get your books if you're going to be on my team. I need book smart dogs. Okay, so this is why I don't think I could go back to college and play for you. That's the issue with you, Scott. You don't like to study. You don't like to do your research. You don't even know all my nicknames. How many units do you have to take? 18 and a quarter. 18? This is more than people normally have to take. Full load, Scott. I need a full load.

You need a full load. I need a full load because we coming. I need a full load because we coming. But I would think that you would want people just to take like, you know, football. How many units is this? Three or four? What? How many units is football? It's not a class, Scott. It's not? Really? You don't get any credit? It's not a class. It's a kennel because I need dogs. And I got dogs on my team. All right. Why are your kids leaving then? Are they turning pro? Yeah, they're turning pro. Yeah. They're turning pro just like old dad.

So who are they going to play for? Do you know yet? Shit, I don't know. Oops, I cussed. I don't normally do that. I'm a man of God. I mean, we have the Super Bowl. Was it yesterday or is it coming up this weekend? I'm not quite sure. Let me look at the schedule here. Yeah, you tell me. All I know is deal or no deal, I don't come up with anything. I'm excited for that. This is going to be full of dogs.

We had the Grammys last night. No, Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl is this Sunday? Yeah. Oh, right. And the Grammys was last night. Yeah, the Grammys, of course. Shout out to Shabuzy, man. Of course, we got to get that out of the way. First of all, shout out to Shabuzy. A dog. Hey, a dog on that microphone.

Shout out. Who else won last night, man? I mean, probably Prince was given one of those Lifetime Cheats. Shut up, Prince, man. A dead dog. A dead dog. He was a dog, though. He was a dog when he was around. Now he's a dead dog. Yeah. He's riding his bike everywhere. Prince riding his bike. Yeah. He used to ride his bike to go get those prescriptions. Yeah.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah. Well, Mo, do you want to play? I would love to play. Yeah. I mean, I'm looking to do something new. I'm a mom. I just feel like I need to change things up a bit. You're a mom? Yeah. A mom dog. Yeah. I need a mother dog. I'm a mother dog. I need a mother dog on the team because you got a lot of young boys on this team that need mother dogs. Yeah. A lot of young dogs. A lot of puppies.

Yeah, a lot of little pups. A lot of little pups. Who need to be disciplined. Need to be disciplined. I'll teach him how to roll around. You need to grab him by the nape of the neck. Yeah. Are you sort of akin to a papa dog? I'm a big dog. You're a big dog. Yeah, I'm a dog, man. Scott, you look good. Okay, thank you.

So the Buffalo, where's the team located? Colorado. Boulder, Colorado. This is confusing. Buffalo, Colorado, where are you? Colorado, Buffalo. Buffalo's an animals guy. I know. It ain't just a town in upstate New York. It's where my friend OJ used to play, though. Buffalo. Oh, yeah. OJ was a dog, man. OJ was a dog. Yeah. I tell you, he was running through the airport.

Yeah, with that suitcase. Shout out to Boozy, man. Yeah. Boozy won. He won a Grammy last night. Yeah, he was running through with the suitcase with the Isotona gloves. He tried to combine all of his product placement into one commercial. Yep. Carrying a... Wearing the Bruno Mali. Wearing the Bruno Mali's carrying a Cutco knife. Passed a naked gun 33 in a third poster. Just get them all in there.

So how, I mean, obviously football season is just concluded. Rest in peace to football season as well. It just concluded. It's concluding next week when the Super Bowl happens. Sure, but I mean, your season's over, right? My season's over, yeah. College football season is over. College football's in the fall. So you're gearing up. Gearing up for the next season, baby, and I need those. I'm recruiting. What was your record this year? Nine and four. Nine and four. Do you only play 13 games? That's it.

That's all you need. Lucky number 13. I mean, anyone can do 13 of anything. Speaking of 13, shout out to Boozy for winning 13 Grammys last night. Shout out to him. But you know what I mean? It sounds hard playing football. Like, oh my God, we can do that. But it's only 13 games. It's not like baseball where they play... We've done 13 shows in a week. It's not a problem. We're breaking off a new hundo here. You know? I mean, it's not like playing basketball 82 games. Ugh, God. So you know that

But you didn't know that you think it's confusing. You know that basketball has 82 games a season, but you think it's confusing that our mascot is a Buffalo.

Look, who knows why I know what I know? I do remember Michael Jordan wearing a 72 and 10 hat. Yes. So that's why I know it's 82 games because you add 10 to 72 and that's what you got. That's what you got. Yeah. And that's the best record ever. Is that still the case? No, that is not the case. No. Someone beat that record. Golden State Warriors got Steph Curry and them boys and them boys is dogs. How many did they lose? A nine.

They lost nine. 73-9. Wow. Incredible. You think anyone will ever go 74-8? I'm sure they will. But right now, and that team didn't win the championship, you see. Yeah. They got taken down by LeBron James. A dog. A total dog. And that's why, who won those 16 games and then they lost the Super Bowl? That was the New England Patriots. Tom Brady. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. A total dog, right? Yep. Yeah. A total dog. Why didn't you, did you ever go into broadcasting? I did.

How'd you do? Great. Why aren't you still doing it? Because I coach football now, Scott. I need dogs. It wasn't enough dogs in the broadcast booth. Well, it seems to me like you got Chris Collinsworth. Not a dog. Really? Not a dog. Not a dog. Al Michaels, not a dog. What about Aikman? Troy Aikman, definitely not a dog. And that's my man. We won Super Bowls together. You were on a team together? We were. Which one? So you know that basketball has 82 games. Yeah.

But you don't know that I was on the Cowboys. You were on the Cowboys? I was. Wow.

I won two Super Bowls with the Cowboys. Full of dogs. Wow. Incredible. Was Emmitt Smith on that team? He was. See, I know that. So you know that, but you don't know that I was on that team. Sorry. Scott, when I was walking in here, you know what started barking at me? Dogs. Dogs. What kind of dogs you got up there, Scott? I think if the question is, do you know what started barking at me? The answer is always going to be dogs. Scott, I was walking down the stairs. You know what started barking at me? A random woman. Oh, okay. She said, get out this yard.

What were you doing in her yard? I'm looking for dogs. Oh, okay. That makes sense. They call me the dog catcher. Do they really? Now they do. Add it to the list. Okay, we're going to add it to it. Neon, Dion, primetime, coach prime, and now the dog catcher. Yeah, the dog catcher. That's right. So how do you think you're going to do this year? I think we're going to do great, Scott, because we got Mo coming in. Mo's going to be our starting quarterback. Yep. Starting. She's taking over for us to do it.

So who do you hope she'll do her plays for? When do we have the draft coming? The draft is coming. Okay, so the Grammys was last night. And the Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl is this Sunday.

The draft will be in April. Okay, so that puts it into perspective. The draft will be in late April. The draft is always approximately two months after the Grammy? Two months after the Grammy. Yeah, okay. So that's how we can always calculate it. Night for the Dolls. Speaking of the Grammy, shout out Shabuzy, man. Yes, of course. Speaking of two months, I was jamming Shabuzy for two months straight. Really? Yeah.

I don't even know what Shabuzy is. That's another lapse. What Shabuzy is? First of all, Shabuzy is a man. Second of all, Shabuzy is a dog. He swept the Grammys last night. He swept them every single one? Every single Grammy night.

Wow. Best new artist. Best new artist. Best country. Best old artist. Best country artist. Best pop artist. Wow. Best rap artist. Incredible. Shabuzy. Best classical artist. Shout out to a person that I'm finding out is a man and a dog. Beethoven Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Shabuzy. Beethoven finally got something named after him. Well, one of them Grammys good last night. They were amazing. The performance. What was your favorite performance? Shabuzy. Shabuzy.

He swept not only the awards, but the performances. He did all the performances. Yeah. He's a dog. He is a true dog. Well, I have no aptitude for sports in general. Well, what do you want to know, Scott? You got an aptitude test to take? Yeah. Is there some sort of barrier for entry? Do I need to take a test? You got to take a test. Okay. Can you test me right now? It's called the dog test. The dog test. All right. How many games did Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls win in 1996-97? 72. Wow. Wow.

Who did I play for in the NFL? Well, I know you played for the Cowboys. And who else?

Buffalo? No. All right, I failed. I failed the test. Scott, what baseball team did you grow up rooting for? The L.A. Dodgers. The L.A. Dodgers. That was my home team, yeah. And who was the pitcher the year you graduated high school? The year I graduated high school. And how far did they go the year you graduated high school? They won the World Series the year after, so I would imagine they didn't do very well the year before. Is that how it works? Actually, I was thinking of the year after that. I was aging you down. Turns out you were older.

But you look good, though. Thank you so much. Yes, I do remember being in a production of the musical Evita, and the entire crew was listening to Game 7, was it, of the World Series backstage? And then the show Evita was interrupted by a roar of crew members clapping and cheering. And who was the closer on that team?

That guy who he gives, you know, the crack of the bat. Well, you think of the Kirk Gibson. Is that the guy who did the Grand Slam? Who was the closing pitch on that team? His name rhymes with his sexual act.

uh oral oral herschieser yeah there you go you got us got us a doubt am i doing well on the test that's question one all of that was question one so i don't that's question one okay give me give me question number two how many games in a in a baseball season

See, now I feel like it's the most out of any sport, right? So it's like 165, I'm going to guess. Ooh, close. Really, was it? Demerit. 162. Okay, so I was really close. One for two, Scott. Okay, but still, I get no points for being close. And by the way, how did I get a complete point on that first question when I got so many of them wrong? I don't make the rules, Scott. Okay, all right. Scott, who is the Cincinnati baseball team?

Baseball team, I know... It's a color. I don't want to say it. Say it, Scott. It's a color. I don't...

I mean, is it based, is it like the former Washington team where it's based on a supposed... I shan't say. You shan't. It's the Reds, but... All right. But is it just like the color Reds? Yep. Okay. They were initially known as the Cincinnati Red Stockings. Oh, okay. So like the Red Sox, but stockings. Yes. Like those things that Santa puts coal into. Absolutely, Scott. What you will be getting a lot of is the Grammys was last night.

So in about nine months, you'll be getting a lot of coal in your stock. On Thanksgiving? Yes. You get it early, Scott. Give me question three. You get a red sock full of tryptophan. Just tryptophan. The actual tryptophan. Give me question three. All right. You ready for it? Yeah. Here we go. What is a baseball made of?

Okay, this is question four, by the way. I know it's... You're one for three right now. It supposedly got... No, I got number three, right? Not in my book. Okay.

It's got cork in the middle, right? All right. Then a bunch of string wrapped around it. You got it. You got it, Scotty. And then leather all over that. You got it. Yeah. What does a football feel like when it's thrown to you? Like a sack full of communion wafers. You got it, Scotty. Okay. Am I in? You a damn dog, Scotty.

Am I on the team? Did I make the team? You're on the team. Okay. What position do I get to play? Well, Moe's a quarterback. Okay. So you will, I'll put you at long snapper. Long snapper. There's a difference between short snappers and long snappers? Yes, Scott. See, all right. That was question number six. And you got it wrong. Okay. And that was what you needed to get back. So I'm off the team now? Off the team, Scott. You cut. Damn it. I need dogs, Scott. I guess I didn't want to be long snapper anyway. I feel like the blood must rush to those guys' heads.

You know, they're like sitting there with their head between their knees and then just waiting for a guy to go like, do the right emphasis on Hutt.

What, Scott? They're dizzy. Here's a better way of doing it. Let the person turn around and just toss it to the guy. Why does it have to go through the legs? This is the weirdest part of football. I actually so agree with it. Why do they have to do it that way? Because that's cool. It's cool? Yeah. I didn't realize that. Did Shabuzy do stuff like that? Oh, Shabuzy was a great football player. Shout out Shabuzy, man. Won 27 Grammys last night. Scott? Yes?

Who is a mailman's worst enemy? Dogs. Dogs. Is that question seven? Yes. You're back on the deep. I don't know. I want to play. If you'll allow me just to turn around instead of putting my head between my legs. Nope. You got to look at you and just gently toss to the quarterback. Name five breeds of dogs. Pit bull. Wrong. What? That wasn't one of them. That wasn't one of the ones you're thinking of? Not one of the five.

Uh, snickerdoodle. That's a cookie. Yeah.

All right, look, I'm sorry I can't be on the team. Mo, I apologize. I'm not going to be able to snap it to you. Who's going to long snap it to me? Well, Mo, you won't be catching a long snap. That's for the punter. Yeah, well, I'll throw to whoever I want. If it's a long snapper out there, I'm going to throw to him. Well, those is against the rules. Long snap is an ineligible receiver. He has to catch it like he's down there to it. That's how he has to catch it. Why does a punter ever catch the ball and instead of kicking it, throw a touchdown pass into the end zone? That happens all the time.

That's called a fake punt. That happens all the time. I would do that every time. You know what, Scott? If it was still football season, I would come over to this house and watch football with you and explain the whole thing to you. I would love that, actually. We should get together for the Super Bowl, Scott. We should. I should have a party. I will be in town, and you should have a party. I don't know why the quarterback doesn't do that, too. Just instead of handing it off to a runner, just throw it into the end zone for a touchdown. It's not that easy. He's trying to do that every time.

He's throwing these short passes and stuff. Just throw it to the end zone every time. You got to march down the field like ants. If there was a quarterback who did that every time. That's going to be me. That's going to be Moe. That's going to be Moe on the Buffalo. The Buffalo Moes. Yeah, we got to draw someplace into that. All right, Coach Prime, Neon Dion, Dog Catcher, can you stick around? I got to go, Scott. I got to get out of here. No, no, no. I want you to stay because...

Scott, I'm looking for dogs. I know you're looking for dogs, but our next guest might be a dog. Really? Yeah. So we're going to take a break, but when we come back, we have the owner and proprietor of a children's footwear store. This sounds like a dog to me. So you're going to want to stick around. Mo, you're going to want to stick around, I know. Oh, I've been. And listeners, you're going to want to stick around. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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coming up at some point in the indeterminate future. Yes. Do you think it's fall or do you think it's spring? I think it's 2025. That's all I know. It's in 2025. Yes. Yes. So it could be New Year's Eve. Maybe between the Grammys and Thanksgiving. Perhaps the Super Bowl and Thanksgiving. The Super Bowl. I would put it after the Super Bowl.

if I were you. Yeah, okay. Super Bowl and Thanksgiving. Yeah, right after. And then also we have Neon Dion, of course, Coach Prime. I'm looking for dogs, Scott. Yeah, did you find any during the commercial break? Well, we got Moe. We got Colorado Moe, Buffalo Moes.

That's the name of the team next year. Okay. So are you allowed to change the name of the team? I'm allowed to do what I want, Scott. I'm a dog. Okay. So non-dogs are not allowed to do this. Non-dogs can't change no names. So what about cats? Hell no. What if a cat wanted to join your team? Can't do it.

I need dogs. I know you need dogs, but would you take a cat? Here's the truth about cats and dogs. Okay. As a movie. Janine Garavalo, of course. Janine Garavalo. Janine Garavamo. Colorado Moe, Buffalo Moe. Would you consider, Moe, changing your name to Janine Garavamo? I love it. I think it's going to help my career. Yeah. Maybe I won't have to pay for my next docu-eshal.

Well, we have to get to our next guest. This is interesting. He's also joining the exclusive One Timers Club. He is the owner, as far as I know, he's the owner and proprietor of a children's footwear store. Please welcome to the show Juvenile Bouderie. Hey, how are you doing? Hi. Hey, what's up, pal? Good. This is Mo. Hey, how are you? Hey. How are you doing? And of course, Neon Dion over here. All right. Now you look good. Yeah.

The store's not mine, actually. It's my mom's store. Oh, okay. So you don't own the store, but you are the proprietor? I'm currently managing the store. How many hours a week?

Oh, man. It's about we open at 10. We close at four. And those are short hours. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a yeah. I mean, kids get up at like, oh, you have a kid. When is your kid? Yeah. It's a 630 a.m. Why don't you open at 630? You know, honestly, it's my mom's. It's my mom's thing. I can see a kid like waking up going like, I don't have any shoes. Need to be there by seven. Open by seven.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's kind of my mom's my it's kind of my mom's thing. Like my mom, my mom started it, but it's like I've got other stuff going on that she doesn't kind of get or know about. So I'm doing that stuff. I do. I do the store when I can. OK, well, you're here to talk about the store or are you here to talk about the other stuff? I mean, I'll always talk about the other stuff because I'm. Yeah. What?

Well, first of all, let's get the store out of the way. What is the store called? The store is called Juvenile Bootery. Wait, but your name is Juvenile Bootery. My professional name is also Juvenile Bootery. OK, but this is not your real name. My real name is James Armantrout. Armantrout? Yeah. Sort of like Ermantrout, the character on Better Call Saul?

Sure. Yeah. I don't have, I don't really do TV stuff. And also like this town, Armin, what was it? Armington. Armington. Yeah. Yeah. So kind of a portmanteau of Armington and Ermentrout. Yeah. Yeah. Somewhere that. Yeah. So your name is, what was it again? My name is James. James. Okay. So now. My mom's store is Juvenile Bouterie, but also my professional name is Juvenile Bouterie because. Your professional name in running the store, Juvenile Bouterie? I also do music. I also do rap.

Oh. Hip hop and rap. Oh, hip hop and rap. Yeah. But she had the name. She had the Instagram already, had a lot of followers. So I'm also taking that kind of over because it was just like an, it was a business decision, honestly. Oh, okay. Wow. So I'm also doing rap, but like my focus is rap music and, and that stuff. Her focus is a store, but right now I'm just kind of like running the store for her. Okay. And running the Instagram account? Running the Instagram account. Yeah. Okay.

How many followers does the account have? 3597.

That's not a ton. Well, yeah, it's pretty good for a shoe store. I don't know that I would follow a shoe store. Would you follow a shoe store on Instagram? It depends on what they're giving me. What kind of stuff are you posting? We got tall shoes for kids. We got short shoes for kids. Flat shoes for kids. It's just not my focus. I'm like, whatever. Just give your kids some shoes. But my focus is going to be on the music.

Okay, so are you here to talk about the store, Juvenile Booterie, or your rap career known as Juvenile Booterie? I'm here to talk about, well, my mom said I have to just at least plug the store because we're having a sale. We're having a spring sale. It's coming up. How much are tall shoes for children? Just in the market. Which kind? The leather ones? Yeah. They're like $48. Okay. Do you have kids boxing boots?

That's basically what they look like. That's what it's in right now for kids. Kids boxing boots. They're like kids right now wearing boots that look like boxing shoes. The kind that you lace up? Yeah, they lace up tall. They shuffle around. That's what I picture when I hear tall shit. I think like, you know, kind of up to the knee, like, you know.

Up to the knee, up to mid calf. Like Whitney Houston in the Queen of the Night video. Yes, thank you. Yeah, I was thinking more like heeled.

Ah, all them shoes that make you taller. They make you taller. Yeah. Yeah, that's not specific. Are they shoes that make you taller or the shoes themselves are very tall? We have shoes that make kids taller because a lot of kids want to be taller now. So we have shoes with lifts in them. I don't... So they're like high-heeled shoes for kids now? Yeah, kids wear high heels now. Yeah, my daughter mentioned wanting to be a little taller, so I might stop by. But I'm here to... But I'm more into like the music thing. Yeah.

Just because that's kind of my thing. Speaking of Ski-Lo, yeah. So should we talk about your hip-hop career? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm open book. Okay, so Dion, you're into the music style known as hip-hop and rap. Absolutely, man. Yeah. You know the Grammys was last night. Yeah. Shout out Shaboozy, man. Are you a fan of Shaboozy? No, I just, I mean, I'm just like into like the real rhymes and stuff, like the really like- You're into the rhyming aspect of rap. Yeah, I'm into rhymes. I'm into really like- Let me give you a word. Let me give you a word.

To rap about? No, to rhyme with. Boat. You're sitting right next to one, man. What, this cup? Nah, not the cup. Me. A goat. A guy? Oh. Yeah, goat. Yeah, goat. I'll say goat. Okay, good. I mean, good. Good. Yeah. I mean, but I do more like written stuff. I'm not a freestyler. I do like more written like Kendrick stuff.

Okay, so are you on here because you want to perform some of this? I'm definitely down. I'll perform anytime, anywhere. If anybody asks me to perform, I'm definitely down. Okay, well, I might do that then. I might ask you to perform if that's something you're interested in doing. Yeah, I would love that.

I would love that because nobody's asking right now, but I'm like always asked. I'm always down. It seems like you came here wanting to talk about this, wanting to talk about your hip hop career. You wouldn't get back to me when I said the rap stuff. And then I sent the shoe stuff. And because you got a kid, I guess you had me on. Well, I was kind of, to be honest, I was kind of interested in what style, you know, junior styles were coming up in the spring sale. And we got little ones. We got, they're all pretty little. Do you have kids? Chugga Boots.

Yeah, we got those. We got kid Uggs. We got kid Penny Loafers. We got kid tap shoes. Kid Penny Loafers. Like young Michael Jackson. Kid tap shoes, too. And kid wingtips. Wingtips. Kid wingtips, like young Kev Calloway.

We got kid spats for the wingtips. Was Cab Calloway wearing wingtips even when he was a young kid? Absolutely, Cab. Do you guys have baby cleats? Yeah, we got all sports shoes for kids. The shoe thing is not, that's not my thing. Do you sell shoelaces? Yeah, we sell shoelaces. Okay, so these shoes come with shoelaces. Yeah, we have shorts, we have medium shorts, and we have long shorts. So you're only up to the waist? Yeah. Socks? Yeah.

Yeah, we got to sell some shot. We sell fitting socks and we sell some socks with the shoes, especially the tall boots, the boxing boots. Pants? No, we don't sell pants. Shorts are allowed. Oh, I thought you meant short socks. Oh, so so only up to the knee then. Right.

Okay, so no shorts. No shorts, no. Okay, but if, say, I wanted to come in and I was like, I'm looking for some shoes and some socks, but also I need some shorts as well for my kid. I don't know, man. What would you do in that kind of hypothetical situation? If you want what? Short socks for your kid? No, I want socks, I want shorts, and I want shoes altogether, but you don't sell shorts. What do you do? I'd be like, go next door, man. What's next door? 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven? 7-Eleven don't got pants. No.

Believe me, I tried. 7-Eleven should start selling pants. Absolutely. They got nice hats in there. They sell hats and t-shirts. What, are they stopping the waste as well? CBS has underwear. I know. Wrong sizes, though. So you always have to size up or size down? You got to size up. So, okay. So I wanted to know about the shoes. You've satisfied my curiosity.

Let's go ahead and move on to the rap career. Oh, great. Okay. Yeah. That's kind of my thing. Have you recorded any songs? Yeah. I've recorded over 600 songs. Damn. 601? 600. 600. And like somewhere between 600 and 605 songs. Some are demos. So I don't fully consider those like releases yet. Okay. So. But you can find me on Spotify. They're all on Spotify. They're all on Spotify. All 601, two, three, or four or five songs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so do you want to perform one of your songs? Yeah, definitely. What one do you want to hear? I don't know the titles to any of your songs. You can look on Spotify. I don't want to look on Spotify. I want you to perform a song that you choose. Okay, all right. This one's probably my best track. Well, yeah, play that one. This one's called Don't Come Around Here.

Well, everybody's coming in here telling me what us are. And I'm like, get the heck out. Because you don't even have these kind of shoes that you want for your kid. This one's small. This one's short. This one's not even the kind you want. This is not the type of place that you want to come in and get at my face. Okay. It's no shaboozy, I tell you that much.

Well, look, if we're comparing anything to Shaboozy, it's going to pale in that comparison. So that can't be a knock on this, that it's not Shaboozy. But let's go into detail. Mo, are you a music fan? I think we found our Long Snapper. That's all I'll say. Long Snapper is not a bad rap name. Yeah. I mean, I need a new name. But that one was kind of... Well, let's talk about it. I mean, first of all, it seemed to be about the shoe store. Yeah.

Do you think that has a lot of crossover appeal? A lot of people come in here and they don't know. When you say come in here, what do you mean? Like in the shoe store. I'm like, hey, Matt. I'm about to break a wrap off. I'm about to get a sign off. I'm about to get a rhyme in here. I'm about to get a time in here. Look, left, right. Oh, Mom's spaghetti. It is coming up already. Bam!

I got a rap name for you. What's that? Shishoozy. Shishoozy. Not bad. You can sort of piggyback off of Shibuzy's popularity. I don't get it. Well, you sell shoes. You sell shoes, though. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's just that, you know. You would probably have to continue working at the store were you to take that name. I got to work at the store because my mom says I have to work at the store. How old are you? Me? Yeah. 19. Who do you think I'm talking to when I say how old you are? I thought you were talking to him. I'm 56. 56.

You're 19. I'm 19. And you're still letting your mom tell you what to do. Yeah. I live there. You got to respect your mom's good. Sure. But are you paying rent?

At the store? I live at the store. You live at the store? Yeah, I live in the back of the store. So why? Okay, for free? Yeah, because I'm, yeah. Because, well, there's, yeah, I live at the store for free because my mom says I can't live at home anymore. But then sometimes I'm like, hey, what the heck? There's guys breaking in. I got to bang, bang, bang. Moe you down. Moe you down. Don't come around here. I'm a clown. Moe, are you down? Shh.

I'm excited to go shop at the shoe store for shoes. Yeah. When do you not work? When do I not work? Okay.

Yeah. What are the hours of because it's 10 to 4, 10 to 4. But then I'm I'm there all the time because my studio is in the back. Right. Are there any other employees here? It's just me and my mom. Yeah. So could we come maybe when your mom is there running the place? Don't talk. Don't talk to my mom. She's not the kind that wants to talk. She is the kind that wants to yell, yell, yell. What the hell?

I like that one. I mean, it had the most rhymes out of anything you've done so far, but I will say that one of your signature moves seems to be a heavy sigh at the end of all of your songs. You got to have confidence, man. I have more confidence. It's just that you guys haven't provided any beats, so I don't really... We're not supposed to provide beats for our guests!

I just, my flow is based on beats. And if you guys don't even provide beats, I'm just. Okay. Do you want us to try to try to do some sort of beat? Yeah. Okay. Any beat I can wrap up here. Absolutely. Any beat I can wrap up. Any beat. All right.

Oh, look out! Here it comes up and down. Here it comes. All these socks are pretty tall. All these boots are very small. Child's boots, child socks. Everything is on sale. Look out! There's a guy with a mask. He's trying to get in back. I pulled out a gun, bowed him down, and that was fun. Look out!

Mom! Okay, let me stop you for a second. You killed somebody, though? And it was fun? Yeah, I killed somebody that tried to break into the shoe store. Why are so many people trying to break into the store? That's the thing, man. You only sell kids' shoes. Everybody tries to break in. It's in West Covina. You gotta do no cash. Yeah, although that's, you know, not good for...

the people in society who, you know, don't have credit cards. That's what I was going to say right after, yeah. But still, it's an option for you. And why are they always trying to break through the back, too? In the mall. That means they had to go through the service hallway.

Are you at the Eastland Mall in West Covina? Yeah, back of the store. My room is in the back of the store. So that's where they always try to come in through the service hallway. Because they... Why? That still doesn't make sense. They want to go through your room? Well, they want to go because... Well, I keep my door open to the hallway just so I can have some place to breathe in. Okay, so your door is open. That's why they're breaking in. Yeah, but people try to come through the back and I don't like it. So you've killed someone. I've...

I've definitely killed someone who's tried to come into the back of the store. You can't just break into a house. But your door is open. But you just can't come in. But an open door implies that anyone can go in and out. Bang, bang, bang. Pistol's hot. Bang, bang, bang. I'm on the spot. Don't try to come in here. My bed is there. My shoes are there. My poster's there. My stuff is here. There's no cash in the register now. I took it to the bank because that's what I do. Oh, fuck.

The cops are here. The cops are clearly not on my side. Back the blue? Not me. He's shooting cops. He shot the cops, though?

I'm a guy that you can't be stopped. I'm from the street. I'm from the shoe store. I'm from the store. But at the store, we sell the shoes for the street. The street will get up on the speed. I'm from the street.

I don't respect cops. Cops don't respect me. When they start to respect me, then I'll bend a knee. So that's why you better chalk this guy out. Because that body is laid out. Bang. That was like more of a stabbing motion. The listener couldn't see it, but yeah, you were sort of either jabbing at someone with your gun or...

But gun got out of gun ran out of bullets. I have to think fast. Stab with a gun if I have to last in this life of wild crime. Oh, what a time. Drop the beat. Drop it hard. Everybody is looking around. It's Scotland Yard. Don't bring Scotland Yard into this. I don't like any kinds of cops, British ones or American ones. How do you feel about Sherlock Holmes?

Was he a cop? Well, he's a private investigator. Oh. Yeah. Private eyes, I'm all right with. Okay. You're okay with us. Elementary, my dear doll.

You know, this raises a good question. Why don't they sharpen the ends of guns so you can stab people with it when you run out of bullets? They used to do that. Did they really? Yeah, back in the day. Well, the bayonets obviously had knives on them. But does that affect the aim, by the way? Like, a knife is so heavy. It's like you got to raise your gun up a little higher in order to shoot something. And the bullet comes out like a rainbow. Ha ha ha!

I don't know. Juvenile bootery. What was your name again? Juvenile bootery. But what was your real name? James. James. Yeah. Shabootsy.

James Arm, what? Armantrout. Armantrout. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, weirder things have happened, you know? What do you mean? You getting famous. Oh, I'm not down to get famous, Scott. I just want to put out my art and put out. Well, you're doing that. Yeah. So you should be happy. It's not about fame. It's not about fame. Why aren't you happy?

I'm happy. I'm so happy. You're frowning right now. I'm so happy. It takes so many muscles to frown. It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Oh, what? Here's another thing about your style. You say a really engaging first line, and then you can never rhyme with it. You just kind of say something like, oh, what? Or, huh? Huh?

The hook is the first part of any good rap. The first line of any good rap is what gets you hooked. You can't even say your motto correctly. The first line sets it up, and the second line takes it down. Oh. Yeah. See, this is part of what I'm talking about. I don't know. I mean, but hey, look, I wish you luck. Thank you. How much money does the store make? The store? Yeah. My mom's doing very well.

The store right now makes anywhere between $150,000 and $200,000. Holy shit. Your mom sounds awesome. How much is she spending? What are the costs? The costs are very low. The shoes are very small. Did she sign a lease several decades ago? She owns them all. She owns them all? Oh, okay. Why does she even then have this store? Shoes are her passion. Shoes are her passion. Yeah. Like rap is my passion.

Feed the children. They need our help. Wisdom, truth, and all of that. That is on the shelf. Do you need help? Why don't you get a partner? You know, like how Macklemore had Ryan Lewis? Oh, really? I had a partner. It was Ryan Lewis. No. Ryan Lewis was my first partner. And he moved on to Macklemore? He worked at the shoe store. He moved on to the best, Macklemore.

Macklemore is the best, and I'm just trying to get to the Macklemore level. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I mean, you're a Shabuzy fan. I like Shabuzy. Yeah, what if Ryan Lewis and Shabuzy started working together? Wow. That'd be an unstoppable team. Two dogs. Two dogs. But maybe you should get some other partner or at least a hype man or something like that. Yeah, I'm completely open for that. Like someone to do your raps for you while you just kind of like...

make pose can you make like a fun pose or anything like that like that well i mean you're crossing your arms how about this that's sassy you put your hands on your hips stuck your butt out a little bit

Terry, Mary-Kate, and Ashley. So little time. Hey, what the heck? These two girls look the same. Maybe they are twins and maybe they have the same name. We keep mixing them up. We keep mixing them up. Which one is the other one? The other one is the sister. Okay, mister. At least we're out of the shoe store. That's what I'm...

The only one that wasn't in the shoe store. Maybe writing about these other subject matters. Yeah, I'm just like I'm trying to cultivate more life experience so that I can put that into my stuff. But right now it's mostly shoe store based. I mean, you work at the shoe store, you live at the shoe store, you get robbed at the shoe store.

Sometimes I don't get robbed. Sometimes I play a trick. I'll go around to the back of the mall. And when those guys try to break in, I set a trap. I call the cops. The cops will show up and arrest them before they even get in the back of the store. Bang. So you shot him the first time. But then the second time, you called the cops on him.

And you didn't like the cops the last time. You were going to shoot them, but now you're working in tandem with them. Sometimes the cops can be a help, especially if it's dark. Cut it out! Guys, get in here! I'm not a friggin' narc. This guy broke in. He wanted the stuff. I'm here to tell you that. Help me out. I'm tough.

This is what hip hop is missing is nuance about the police. Some of the guys, they're all right. Some of the guys are okay. One of the guys is a big jerk who never shows up when I call. And I'm like, hey, what's up? What does this number mean? 911. Remember that I called it and you didn't show up. So I got to take things into my hands. Yeah.

Here the bullets drop. Here the guns stab. Here everybody is now dead. Everybody's dead now? That's the worst thing that a police officer can do is not show up. Yeah, sometimes I call and they don't show up, so I have to take things into my own hands. Yeah. Well, what was your name again? Juvenile bootery. Juvenile bootery. No, I know the juvenile bootery part. Jordan Armentrout. James Armentrout. James Armentrout.

It's confusing. Yeah. James Jordan, Armin Trout. I sometimes say my middle name too. Oh, were you named after the shoe? Michael Jordan, the Michael, the juvenile air Jordan. Okay.

They make small ones. They make, yeah. It's a shame to spend that much money on a shoe and then they grow out of it within like three months. Yeah. That's kind of the, that's how my mom makes so much money because you sell a kid a shoe one week and the kid's bigger the next week they come back in. Yeah. No, like adult shoes, you buy one pair, you're good for life. Yeah. Your foot doesn't grow after that. It's a good business model, but so is rap. Yeah. I don't think so. Anyway, we're running out of time. Would it surprise you to hear your segment is over? What?

We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Hey, Scott, where else is somewhere you like to go? You like to go to bookstores? A park? Sure. Those kids are playing. Check it. Check it. Check it.

Excuse me. Can you mention a plug bag and then maybe we can remix this? All right. Said and done. That is Carl Farts on Scott in the Park by Brad Cook. Fantastic.

Thank you, Brad. Hey, if you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can find everything you need there. You can find stems from our closing up the plug bags for your remixes. You can find everything you need and you can upload your songs. And Brad Cook, you are famous this week. Congratulations. What are we plugging? Mo, obviously, Dad Jokes is on Hulu now. Mm-hmm.

Say more than a hmm, though. Yeah. Yeah, it's out there on Hulu. Also, I'd like to plug Coach Prime, Amazon documentary. Oh, really? Is there a documentary about you, dog? Oh, yeah, dog. I got a lot of them out there. You do? Really? I got a few of them. Name them all, Scott. This is the first one I've heard about.

But that's fascinating. So people can watch dad jokes and then just let it autoplay into Coach Prime documentary. Into Amazon, yeah. Awesome. I love that. And speaking of whom, Coach Prime, what are you plugging? Well, that documentary. Okay. You got to see me coaching, coaching the boys. Okay. And then also watch the Atlanta Falcons 1991 documentary. Okay, good. Did you play for the Falcons? I did. Okay, so you went from Dallas to the Falcons? No, I got drafted to the Falcons. Oh, okay. Congratulations. And then I went.

To the Dallas Cowboys. San Francisco 49ers. People don't like to be drafted when it's the Army, but suddenly they like it when it's the NFL? I didn't like it either time. It's Atlanta, Illinois, by the way. Atlanta, Illinois. Oh, okay. The Atlanta, Illinois Falcons. Minor League team.

Anything else you want to plug? Yeah. I've been getting into these podcasts. I want to plug one that I like. Okay. There's one called The Flagrant Ones. Oh, yeah. I've heard about this. It's hosted by the guy that just farted on you in the park. Right. And two other guys, Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. Oh, yeah. Did they ever drop the actor? I still don't know. Okay. But you can find that on Hollywood Handbook, I think.

I think it's the flagrant one. Patreon.com slash the flagrant. They didn't change it up. They changed it? Okay. I believe it's Hollywood Handbook now. But look up Hollywood Handbook and sign up for the Patreon. People can find whatever you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? All right. And what was your name again? Jordan? Juvenile Bootery. Juvenile Bootery. What do you want to plug? Jake? I'm James Jordan, but I go by Jake. Okay.

yeah i'll also plug some podcasts um there's a good podcast it's um it's it's about screenwriting and um it's kind of making fun of all that stuff and that's called get it to dutch and um you can find that um wherever you get podcasts okay it's like making fun of hollywood stuff because you know it's easy to make fun of yeah that sounds good yeah or you could okay i know

I still have to plug. All right. I want to plug. Look, head over to CBB World. We talked about it. We have some great shows over there. We have CBB Presents. We just put out a Music Man Watch Along podcast with myself and a couple of guys watching and trying to settle this whole Music Man debate that came out recently. We have Hey Randy. We have Entrepreneur's Entrepreneur Tour. We haven't done one of those in a while. We'd love to do another one.

I don't know. Hard when one of the people who does it is no longer ever in Los Angeles. Neither of them. Yeah, that's true. But so many great shows over there. Head over there and if you subscribe for a full year, you can get two of those months for free. Two months of my choosing, not of your choosing. And yeah, that's probably it. Why don't we close up the old plug bag? Yeah.

We all have and they need some clothes in with these bags. We're nosing that in these are lots of plugs. So just grab the piece of dry it up real tight.

Oh, okay. That was Grab a Piece of Plug Bag by Evaser.

Fantastic. Thank you so much to Evacer. And speaking of thanks, thank you everyone for being on the show. Mo, welcome to the one-timers. Ah, thank you. This is incredible. I'm honored. I, uh, and this is not a slam. Uh, I hope you never return because we found that if people's careers get better, they never come back. Oh, okay. So I hope that your office spinoff is so big that you, when you get another request, you'd say, why would I ever do that again? Okay. I will. Good luck. No matter what. And, uh,

Also, Juvenile Bootery, a.k.a. James, a.k.a. Jordan, a.k.a. Jake.

uh good luck to you thank you scott it sounds like you're going into another thing i'm gonna cut you off i'm gonna say thank you over here to coach prime and scott you look good oh thank you juvenile booter you look good mo you look good yeah i'll see you all in practice okay what how many how many hours a week do we have to practice uh uh let's see three hours five times a week 15 hours 15 i don't know that i can fit into my schedule is that right

Three hours. Five times. Do you play a full game? Why is it three hours? Couldn't we cut this down to like 20 minutes? No, we got to go over everything. You didn't even know. We have to go over how many games the Chicago Bulls won? You asked if the long snapper could turn around and do it. All right. Well, let's leave with another wrap by Juvenile Bootery. Here we go.

Well, this is the end of the podcast. Podcast? Do you gotta ask? Whoa. No. The end is of the show. Check it out. At the door. Cops are here. I gotta go. Don't kill the cops, please. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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