No Coconuts Here! (Atsuko Okatsuka, James Austin Johnson, Charlie McCrackin)
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Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, yes. Thank you to East Coast Ugo for that catchphrase submission and my sympathies to East Coast Ugo for what you must be going through. But thank you very much for that catchphrase submission. We're not going to use it permanently. Sorry to add and to pile on East Coast Ugo.

But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great episode. My name is Scott Aukerman. Coming up on the show, we have a writer. We also have an entrepreneur of sorts or a spokesperson, perhaps. Perhaps even a combination of both of those things. And we also are going to come up here with our first guest. She is a stand-up comedian. Yes.

Whoa. You know, in the pantheon of great podcast guests, of course, we go movie star is number one, TV star number two. Do you have a TV show by any chance? No. I mean, your standard special is on TV, so it's adjacent. Yeah, I've had two specials. Those are...

Would you call yourself a TV star, though? Are those TV shows? They're TV shows, but I don't know that you're a TV star yet. No, keep going. You were going to go down the ranks. Stand-up comedy last. No, no. Oh, I thought that's where you were going. Podcaster is last, my dear. Oh, hey, don't say that about my friend. Don't say that about my friend.

Don't say that about you. No me and your wife had a I was your wife was gonna direct a show of mine remember quibi Yeah, I do. Of course. I remember quibi with those. Yeah, that was one time my old boss Jeffrey Katzenberg was in charge of that company Oh, you know, yes. Yes. That was his brainchild those were the days. Yes. Yeah quibi days Yeah, she was gonna direct that and then did quibi fall apart or what what exactly happened? I

Are you... What happened to the show? Are you for real? I am for real. I mean, I know Quibi doesn't exist. Oh, I thought you were asking me what happened to Quibi. I was like, sweetie, there's also been a pandemic, and let's not tell him who's president again, shall we? Oh, dear. Scott, come back. I was just hit in the head by a coconut that was falling off of a tree. I actually had a friend who that did happen to, so... And did you say they died? No, no, no. Alive, alive. Yeah, it had happened, but he alive. It would be a harrowing experience, I think, to be hit in the head

with a coconut. You see it on sitcoms all the time and it gives people amnesia, but to actually be hit in the head with a coconut, it would be very painful and I would think that...

They would get a concussion and perhaps permanent brain damage. He says that it's why he doesn't have opinions about things. But I was like, I think that's something else. I think that's just your personality. You know what I mean? Did he retrofit it to like, oh, everyone complains that I don't have opinions. Oh, I was hit in the head by a coconut. Yes. His wife at the time was like, think about why you have no opinions about anything ever. It's so boring to talk to you.

and then they didn't talk to each other for two months while he thought about it, quote unquote. And then he came back and said, I thought about it. And actually, I forgot to tell you, when I was a kid, I climbed a coconut tree and something. Oh, actually, he fell off the tree. It's a little different. Oh, so it was the reverse. So he fell out of the coconut tree onto the ground and hit his head. He was the coconut. Oh, okay. In a weird way. Yeah. In a weird way, we're all coconuts, aren't we? That's true. Is that?

Gosh, he's just so good at... You're just so good with this. Thank you so much. Let me introduce you, though, because people don't know your name yet. A mystery. We were going down, so it's TV star, movie star... No, movie star is number one. Don't confuse yourself. Movie star is absolutely number one. This is with what? With... Desirable and enjoyable podcast guests.

See, so you are ranking. So stand-up is lower. Stand-up is lower than movie star and TV star, certainly. Yeah, and this is like, okay, so if there was a fire, would you save a movie star over a stand-up? Absolutely. Because...

you grew up on them or something? Well, perhaps a stand-up could become a movie star a la Richard Pryor or... Sure. Do we think Chris Rock is a movie star? I'm not sure. You know, stand-ups, we're multi-hyphenates. You know, we are our own directors, we are writers, we are performers. We're all of it. What are your other hyphenates? So, like, did you direct your special? No.

I guess my husband did. But... That's stolen valor. Hey, but I wrote the whole thing. I perform it. I direct on where I look, my eyes, you know, when I'm doing the physical. Everyone directs where they look with their eyes during their job. I knew it. I caught him. Scott is... You are a stand-up hater. I'm not a stand-up hater. I have to say that I think it's movie star, television star. I think I'll go stand-up comedian and then author and then podcaster. That's...

Yeah, okay. So you're right there in the middle. So welcome to the show. Thank you so much. Her stand-up special, Father, is out now on Hulu, part of the, what is it, Hularious? Hularity? What is it? Hey, that's how I felt about Quibi. Hularious. Because Hilarious was taken. Did they ever think about calling what you were doing with them Quiberious? Who, Quibi? Yeah.

I or Hulu. I'll take either answer. They're like, yeah, we're Hulu. Why don't we why don't we bring back Quibi? People would love that. I think various. Honestly, I think Quibi, Quibi and CISO, they're they're lying fallow. They're barren brands. Someone should just pick them up and just start doing something with them. Like, why don't you and I do Quibi together? We could we could pick it back up. Hey, that was your boss.

That's your boy. That's your friend. I did not work at Quibi. I want to make that very clear. I worked at DreamWorks, of course. Can I tell you something? I knew something. I knew the name was off. This says a lot about Quibi, okay? When I was pitching the show to the producers that they ended up buying, when I was in the room, apparently, so we came out of the room, right? And the producers that I was with, we were pitching it together. They were like, Atsuko, you kept calling it Quibbly.

So apparently I was in there going quibble. OK, so here at Quibble, right? What you don't have is I guess I kept saying that and none of them blink. None of them even like honestly, it's just as stupid as Quibble. So maybe they were sitting there going like maybe it should be Quibble. Yeah, exactly. I think that's true. Maybe I was blowing their minds. Also, they it seems like they bought a show before they could ever even make it.

My show? Yeah. Did they ever make it or no? We made the pilot, yeah. Right, yeah. But then the pandemic hit. Yeah. It was like a, yeah. You know, I guess that was the story with a lot of things. Sure. But then something happened. You know. That's how stories usually go. It's like, here's something, then something happened. Oh, yeah. And then something else happens and usually kind of goes along a pace. Sometimes it's like a universal, then something happened. You know what I mean? The pandemic is a universal one. Atsuko Okatsuka is here. Oh, my gosh. We haven't introduced me yet?

I was gonna keep them guessing. Hey, it's me, Otsko. And I'm here with Scott. Welcome to the show. First time appearance. You're in our exclusive one-timers club. That's right. And that's a very exclusive club with Donald Glover, Ben Stiller, Paul Rudd.

These are movie stars, and you're rubbing elbows with them. They've only done the show one time. Congratulations. You're here with them. Hey, and you'll never see me again either. That would be great, because that means your career is going great. Well, I just want to be in that, you know. Yeah, exactly. That's a good club. I can be a second-timer. Second-timer is not as, right? It's like... No, what you don't want to be is an Adam Scott who's been on, like, 50 times. Because then it's just like...

Sure, sure. Then it's like, oh, who is he, the host? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you don't want to co-host this. Do you want to co-host this with me?

I feel like we're moving very fast. On a permanent basis. Scott, I just got here. You just said I was middle of priority. I don't know. I just like your style. You may not be a movie star yet, but I really think that you have something. You have it. That ever elusive it. So I'm being offered a job already? It's been two minutes. It's not a job in terms of like a paid position. It's just you would show up every week. Right. Maybe I would cede a lot of the responsibilities to you. Maybe I would be in more of a supervisory capacity. Oh, that's not co-host.

That's a little different. We can call it whatever we call it, but you're a co-host who does most of the heavy lifting. What do you think? Okay. I mean, yeah. Well, I'll think about it because, you know, I've seen sometimes the episodes are over two hours long.

So my commitment is, it really varies, right? Look, my commitment is really varying as well. The over two hour episodes are meant to be outliers. Sure, sure. But welcome to the show for the first time. You have a wonderful stand-up special. Would it surprise you to learn I've seen this?

I guess not. No, because I now have a team that sends my stuff out or something like that. Plus, would it surprise you if I were to do anything? We don't really know each other. So if I were to say anything about myself, would you go like, oh, that's surprising? Or would you just go like, okay, I mean, I don't know you.

Sure. No, no. Wow. Such a bleak way of looking at it. No, I would. Would anything surprise you if I told you that? I would be interested. That's what I mean. Yeah, I would be interested. It's an interesting fact about me that I've seen your special. Yeah, that's awesome. Thank you for watching. Of course. Yeah, it's a wonderful special. It's out on Hulu now, part of the Hularity podcast.

festival, I guess, that they're having? It's their slate, you know. It's their first year doing stand-up specials, originals. And so, yeah, every month it's a new special. Were they doing non-original stand-up specials? Or those like cover things where people do, you know, like Chris Rock material or something? Yeah. What would they call that?

Well, that's the thing. Everyone gets to cover songs when you're a musician. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then stand-ups can't just go do other people's jokes? That would be stealing, I guess. It's not stealing if you say it's a cover. Yeah. I think that's why we... You know what? There used to be shows where you could do that. I forget what it's called. On Halloween, right? Oh, you're looking at me like I know anything about anything. Where stand-ups would go and do jokes as another comedian. I do know about Halloween, if that's what you're asking about. People dress up. People dress up.

Every year, I go... I guess people dress up every day, but... That's true. That's true. We're always in costume if you think about it. If you really think about it, we should be nude every day. Right. And every day is like Halloween because we're like, oh, maybe if I put this bit of cloth on me... Yeah, then... That'll be more acceptable to society. Yeah, then maybe I'm a good person. Yeah. No longer that bad person I am... Exactly. ...when I'm nude...

Do you think you're bad when you're nude? Anytime you take off your clothes. I get a sense of shame, be it because of my upbringing or whatever, but I get a sense of like, this is not how I'm supposed to be. When you're nude? Mm-hmm. Tell me about your upbringing. I had a fairly religious upbringing. Yeah. And there was a bit of shame about anything involving the body below the waist. I'm talking even feet stuff.

I mean, Jesus showed a lot of feet. He had that whole feet thing with Mary. He dyed feet out. He dyed feet first. Oh, yeah. They put nails in those. And they said, which is like, it's like pointing at it. Hey, look here. No, let's not even talk about the spear to the side. Oh, my gosh. Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. So, I mean, and he was pretty barely clothed. So I don't know. Talk to your parents about that. He had like, from what I've seen in the pictures, he had like a little like white cloth over him. Barely. Barely. Would it have killed him to make it like polka dots or something like that? Like make the crucifixion a little fun. Polka dots? Yeah. You know, like, hey, you know how they sometimes they put prisoners. Crucifixion but met gala? Yeah.

You know how they sometimes put prisoners in pink jumpsuits in order to emasculate them? You're talking about Paddington? You're talking Paddington 2. I'm not talking Paddington 2 when he mixed up the laundry. Oh my god, you've seen that too? Of course I have! Excuse me, my favorite movie ever, Are We Sisters? Yes, I will co-host. Okay, fantastic. So you're the new permanent co-host, maybe even lead host of Comedy Bang Bang. First off, do your listeners know that you do this podcast? Yes.

while staring at a photo of your daughter the whole time. It's very sweet. I do. And the entire 16 years I've done that. It's so wild. A time traveler dropped off this picture. You manifested.

16 years ago, and I somehow made it happen, and it came true, and there it is. She's always been, too. Speaking of being a father, let's talk about your stand-up special, Father. I've watched this. I believe I've told you this in the past. Tell me about why call it Father. Look, when stand-ups come in here, there's a reason they're third on the list.

There's not a lot to talk about. You know, like your jokes are funny and all we can really talk about is the title of it.

So why did you call it what you call it? Why did I call it father? I mean, and besides the fact that you've seen the whole thing, you're like, let's just talk title though. Title first. And you're a father. I am a father. Yes. And I'm a father to many. So I was naturally inclined to watch this. Sure. You said this is about me. She wrote a special about me. Yeah, no, totally. And well, you know, my fans call me mother. Right. But mothers have it together. So I'm more father.

In that, you know, I'm thriving in life, but clueless about everyday basics, like how to do the laundry or filing paperwork. You have a thing in the special about how you went to the washing machine.

Right. And then had to ask your husband how to turn it on that I really related to because this happened to me very recently where I was like, I didn't want to betray the fact that I had never done the laundry once and didn't know how to use it. Yeah. And so it's and that happened to you, which is why you're saying you're more like a father. Right. Right. You basically lounge around and do what you want and don't have any responsibilities. Right.

Well, I mean, I write the jokes, you know, I write the jokes. You point your eyes places. I perform the jokes. I tour, you know. But I did ask him, I said, Ryan, how do you turn this on? And that's when he realized he was like, have you have you not been doing the laundry this whole time? And honestly, I was shocked, too. I also was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. It has been you this whole time.

For seven years. Yeah. I just thought the laundry was getting magically done. And he thought, you know, every time a load was done, like, oh, you know, you just forget, I guess. I don't know why he didn't know. I guess every time he went to, like, his sock curtain underwear drawer, he was like, oh, well, Atsuko did some laundry. Right, but it was him. But it was him the entire time. Yeah. This is like a sick, twisted Alfred Hitchcock movie or something from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. That's right. Fellow Asian. Yeah.

Happy AAPA Heritage Month. Actually, when this is out, it's not May. Yeah, it'll be June by then. But we can still watch Trap and celebrate. For sure. And thank you for having me in my month. That's right. By the way, I think I... Side note, side note. If the booking holds up, we have female guests in our A Block the entire month of June. So I'm calling you all my June brides. Oh.

Oh, good. Yeah. Bye, Pride Parade. Bye, Pride Month. Bye, Pride Month. Bride Month. Bride Month. Bye, Bride Month. Bye.

I mean, hi, Bride Month. Bye, Bride Month. Bye, Bride Month. Hi, Bride Month. This is a t-shirt. See, this is why you're the co-host here. See, come on. We're thinking of t-shirt ideas already. I love this. That's right. First time and last time. First timer, last timer. By the way, you do have to do, it's a lot like paying rent where you pay first month, last month. You have to do your first appearance, last appearance. So we're going to do your last appearance right after this one, if that's okay. Okay.

Oh, no problem. Yes. Unless you call it right now and this is your last appearance. Wow. That was trippy. I'm going to have to think about that one. Think about it for a bit. Don't take two months like your friend with a coconut. I know. Because I need you to talk for the rest of the show. By the way, they're divorced now. I think if anyone didn't talk to me for two months, I would think divorce is in the cards.

She told him, you have two months to think about this. That's what happened. So she did make the boundaries. I mean, he could have thought about it while still engaging her in conversation about other things, right? Oh, sweetie, he has no thoughts.

That's true. About things. He was the coconut. Yeah. Speaking of father, you mentioned this in your special, and I find this story about you very fascinating. We don't have to go into the depressing This American Life version of it, but you were born in Japan. I was born in Taiwan. You were born in Taiwan, but lived in Japan? Mm-hmm.

And now you live here. And I know people relocate all the time, but there's an interesting story about why you are here. Right, right. My grandma brought me here on a two-month vacation. Yeah. Yeah. Took me away from my dad, who I was living with. And he had custody. Right, in Japan. Right. And that, I mean, we could bring up

the This American Life aspect because it was Ira Glass that helped me figure it out. Yes, he heard your act and he reached out to you and said like, hey, have you ever digged deeper into this, right? Yeah, and I said, and I joke that it's never good when Ira Glass reaches out to you. You never want to do This American Life because that means your life was bad. That means something bad. Just like you never want to be an inspiration. You never want to make the news. You know what I mean? That's not good. That's not, ooh, look,

look, I'm an inspiration. No, sweetie. That's how we know who Malala is. Okay? No. So, yeah. So I was like, okay, sure. And then he was like, let's figure it out. It would be technically a kidnapping if your dad had custody of you. And I didn't know if he did. Right. And so, and when you investigated this, you found he did have custody of you and your grandmother essentially brought you to America on vacation and then never took you back. Right, right. Yeah.

And Ira said, I looked up the rules with California. You could still technically press charges. Oh, okay. Well, that's wonderful. Have you ever held that over your grandmother's head at all? My 91-year-old grandma? Yeah. No, she's my best friend. You know, oftentimes your best friend is your villain in your life. Right. You know? Yeah. Well, you've undergone major experiences with them, for good or for bad, and so that brings people closer regardless. Right.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. And so, you know, so that's, yeah, that's how I got here. That's why, that's how I got to be your co-host. That's amazing. What an incredible story from Taiwan to Tokyo to California to right here. Right here in...

Where are we? I don't want to give away my assassination coordinates necessarily, but it's an incredible story. And you can hear that episode of, I mean, don't stop this podcast to go listen to it. But like if you ever have a free half hour or whatever, I don't know. I would just go back to the Comedy Bang Bang archives. Okay.

Over on CBB World. You know what? Never mind. You can listen to it after this. You got the gist, right? I don't want people switching over to another show. No, no, no. After this. After this. I know, but they could just listen to older episodes of this show. That's true. You're right. Yeah. As my co-host, I need you to be pimping this show. You heard the whole story here. Not this American life. Where are we? On this American bang bang. We are...

All-American. What? What were we talking about? I don't really know, but I do know that... Bang, bang first. Bang, bang first, yes. Your special father is out there right now. It's very, very funny. If you've never seen Atsuko's stand-up comedy, you're one of the best out there. And who are the other people in this hilarity?

Slate, who are you sharing the airwaves with? Yeah, the first year is like Bill Burr, Sebastian Maniscalco, Jim Gaffigan, Ilana Glazer, Frankie Canones. Wow, who am I? Work for Hularious or something? Actually, I do know. You work here now. I do work here now. Yeah, and I don't like you moonlighting over there for Hulu. I was trying to show off my memory. See, no coconuts here. No coconuts near my head. I remember everything.

And so those are some of the people. And then you can watch it internationally on Disney Plus, too. That's right. Yeah. If you've ever been in another country and you're like, wow, let me check out Hulu. Nope, not going to happen. It's all Disney Plus over there. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. As an international comedian, as an international girl myself.

So you're rubbing shoulders with the likes of Mickey and Minnie Mouse themselves. Oh my gosh. I went to Disneyland recently. I did the whole VIP tour because I'm part of the Disney family. That's amazing. Did you get to see the gravestones in Back of the Haunted Mansion?

Oh, no, I didn't do that. Actually, the Haunted Mansion was closed that day. What? It had broken down. A lot of breakdowns that day, to be honest. Really? Oh, my gosh. We did what is formerly Splash Mountain. Now it's Tiana's Bayou. Ooh, that log ride. You know, you fall in the end. Not fall, but you do the drop in the end. Splash, splash. Typical flume ride, yeah. Oh, so fun. You're screaming, ah, and then boom, we get stuck.

No, on the way down? So we already came down and then it's like, you're on this high. And you're wet. You're wet. You're drenched. Yeah. And then boom. And then you're just sitting there? How long were you sitting there? For like...

I think like almost an hour. An hour just sitting there in the hot sun in a flume? So we were outdoors and then suddenly a crowd forms and I just hear, there she is. It's Atsuko. Hey, it's her. And so they start videotaping me and people are taking photos and the logs behind us get rescued first. So they're walking past us. Some of them are like, oh my God, Atsuko. Oh, hi. I love your coat.

your comedy. And some of them were like, do you mind? And I was like, I guess not. I'm stuck. So you're forced to take selfies with people? So they did selfies with me drenched in the log, stuck with my six gay best friends. I guess you've never done selfies when you're all wet before, so that's unique, right? Yeah, I mean, I was like...

Is this what, I guess that's how Santa feels. Yeah. At the mall. That's why there's a wall behind him. I guess he's not wet. It would be the one major difference. Sometimes when a baby pees. That's a good point. See, what you're here to say is Disneyland is a dilapidated, run-down piece of shit now. Is that what you're saying? I'm just saying that sometimes things break down.

By the way, that's a good time to ask for a selfie with your favorite celebrity. I do want to say this. I've been on this ride many times, not when it's Tiana. Who is it? Tiana's Bayou. Is that what it's now? Yes. Yeah. I've only been on Splash Mountain because that's the politics. Yeah. No, we know where you we know where you stand. But yeah, Bride Month. We know where you stand. I did play Br'er Fox when I worked at Disneyland when I was 17 years old. So that if that gives you any glimpse into my life.

But I've ridden that ride many times. You can just like stand up and get off of it. We tried. I got up and they're like, no, we're watching you. Sit back down. What do you mean? So what? So what? Just get up and then leave. I wouldn't stay there for an hour. Now, I was trapped on the Jurassic Park ride in Universal Studios, but I was on my way up.

the big uh the the log flume thing so i couldn't get off but right but i but if i was just sitting there in the in the moat at the end i would just stand up and walk away look we tried but you know we safety first so you're a rule follower right yeah a little bit yeah when you're the bride you're the bride you know the june bride yeah well you're the june bride you follow rules

Well, it's a great stand-up special. How many do you have now? Do you have three out? Two. The first one was with HBO. And what happened with HBO? I could have done it with them, but I wanted it to come out sooner. So with HBO, it would have been 2026. This doesn't make any sense. And it's like, I don't know. I might be dead. Yeah. Exactly. You don't want it to be a posthumous special. Sweetie.

You don't want it to be a posthumous special. Oh, that's how you say that word? Yeah, yeah. I've been saying it different. Post-humorist. Yeah, post-humorist. Post-humorist. Post-hularious. I thought it was that. We don't want to be at a post-hularious age when who doesn't have their slate of comedians. Yeah, I thought it was post-hularious. Well, it's a great special. Father is out right now. We need to take a break. When we come back, we have a writer here. Yay! We also have a spokesperson.

Ooh. This is very exciting. This is a great show. I'm so glad you're here to take up the slack and take over the reins of the show here. I love writers and spokespeople. Come on. One of my June brides is here. Asko Okatsuka is here. Father is the special. Hulu out right now. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Comedy Bang Bang right after this.

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Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. We have Atsuko Okatsuka here, and Father is the special. Did we, anything else that we need to say about the special here? What's your favorite joke in it? My favorite joke? Oh, gosh. Well, I defend the live, laugh, love signs.

And I just talk about how it's so easy to do that. Everyone's like, oh, you're so basic. But if you've lived life, life is hard. As adults, we don't have anyone being like, that was good. That was really good. For just existing. Yeah. For getting through it. We have to be our own cheerleaders. Yes. It's why we buy necklaces with our own names on it.

Right? That's right. Why do you do that? So that we could be like, what's that spell? Jennifer, that's me. That's me. I matter, you know? You also have a great chunk about, were you actually a cheerleader? I was, yeah. Yeah, the concept of cheerleading is very funny. Oh, right. That's true, yeah. Because it's a sport...

based on another sport. It's the only sport where you're supporting another sport that people are actually there to see. We are overlooked as cheerleaders, right? And like our only job is to really just scream manifestations and wishes. We have no say in the game. We're not playing it. Yeah, you have no effect on it. No, but we're just like, you go get the ball. Hope you get the ball. Please get the

You know what I mean? Now, which sport is that, hoping to get the ball? Because are there other sports where you hope you don't get the ball? Like a keep away kind of sport? I mean, that's how I've played sports. Would basketball be better if you didn't want the ball? It's called dodgeball, sweetie. Yes, dodgeball. Thank you. Basketball, but where you don't want the ball is dodgeball. Yeah, that's right. And no one ever wants to put it through a hoop or anything. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, wonderful. Father is out right now. Let's get to our next guest. I wonder if he's a father. Let's ask. Yeah, let's ask him. He is a writer for, I believe, Rolling Stone. Is that correct? He's a writer for Rolling Stone. The magazine. The magazine. Not the band, the Rolling Stones. No, no relation to the Rolling Stones. You don't write their songs. No, I don't write any of their songs. Although if you had written...

I can't get no satisfaction. Like, can you imagine the royalty checks that would be piling up? Let's just say they'd be a wealthy man. Right. Please welcome David Frick. Hey, everybody. That is a great way of putting it, by the way, when you say, let's just say you'd be a wealthy man. Let's just say. There's not a lot of nuance. No, there's not. Usually when people say, let's just say, it's leaving something to the imagination. But you just said, let's just say, and then you said exactly what would have happened. Well, you know, for years, I was an editor at Rolling Stone.

which is a magazine that some people like to read, I guess, about rock music. Rock and roll, some people would call it. Whatever you want to call it. Rock, heavy rock. Have you ever read Rolling Stone? I have, yeah. My friend was written up recently in it, Mike Birbiglia, but you said you don't write there anymore, so that wasn't you. You know, I still contribute from time to time, but my time at Rolling Stone is sort of that chapter of my life is closed now.

But I still feel a connection to the editorial voice, which, you know, let's just say I helped

create it, you know, for whatever the current iteration is. So much of my voice, I think, has made an, you know, I would hope that it's made an impact. You say that chapter of your life is closed. I would say that's a big chapter. Like, it's most of your life. Oh, yeah. Have you ever read a book where, like, there's a really tiny chapter about, like, oh, I grew up here and I went to school here, and then a giant, giant chapter about what you did for a living, and then, like, a little tiny chapter at the end where it's like, and then I died.

You know, there are some books of Richard Brodigan's poetry that follow structures similar to that. Trout Fishing in America comes to mind. I have to confess. Let's just say I haven't read it. The Giving Tree comes to mind. Oh, yeah. Giving Tree. Shel Silverstein. Yeah. A singer-songwriter in his own right who collaborated with Johnny Cash on...

seminal novelty song. A Boy Named Sue? Did they write that together? It's called A Boy Named Sue. A Boy Named Sue, yeah. Which is a very funny song when you listen to it because the popular version of it, I believe, was recorded at a prison or something. It's recorded at a prison. Okay. I'm Johnny Cash. I want to sing music for real people. I'm a country musician. I want to make music that reaches the people that

correspond to the characters in my songs. Where do I go? I can either go into a recording booth, I can record for some dope behind some bulletproof glass.

Is it usually bulletproof glass in a recording studio? I mean, yeah, things get wild. I guess things get wild, but I never knew it was actually bulletproof glass. Things can get wild in recording studios. I mean, Phil Spector comes to mind. Yeah, gang rivalries. Painting one genre of music with a particular brush. I didn't even say. Which one are you thinking of? You're the one that likes Song of the South. Yeah.

Sorry. Back. Yes. Back to you, David. Okay. I'm Johnny Cash. I feel like I'm an anchor right now. Back to you, David. But you make a good point. Yes. Where do you want to record? You do sound like an anchor when you do that. Thank you so much. There's something really funny there. There's... Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that's nice. It's nice to get a compliment from someone you respect. I'm a big fan of your writing, David. Oh, thank you. Which is why I wanted to have you on the show. Well, thanks. You wrote profiles of musicians. Features mostly. Profiles. I went on the road with...

Every, you know, the Black Crows from the Counting Crows to... To the Black Crows. The Black Crows to, you know, I wrote something recently for, I think maybe it was Defector or something like that, The Guardian about Lizzo. Cool. She's a fabulous musician. Yeah. Okay, I'm Lizzo. It's 2025. I want to record some music that...

who I've grown to as an artist. Okay. You know, I get out a legal pad or something like that, right? Sure. I get a... Maybe a notes app. Right.

Maybe it's on a notes app, on an iPad or something like that. Yeah. And what do I write? Maybe it's like, you know, that scratch paper that real estate, like Century 21, would drop off at your house sometimes and keep by the phone so that you could write down messages. It could be that. It could be the Century 21 paper. Like, hey, Dad, you know, I'm trying to think of a name other than Lizzo.

It's okay. Hey, Kate called. Kate, yeah. We love Kate. When you hear a name like that, it gets stuck in your head. I was going to say Liz. And I was like, this is too close to Lizzo. I suppose that, you know, your job as a comedian, you'd want to walk away from a reference that you'd heard only moments before. Probably. Because you'd want to show some dexterity or agility. Right, right.

You're really getting into my head here. An element of alacrity to what you do, especially with your reference points. But unfortunately, I didn't have the ability to do that. No worries. You said Kate. Kate was different. Kate was good. Yeah, I was thinking. I think that was a good choice. Okay. Look. It's the letter right next to L though, Kate. Listen. Here's what it is. Not that far afield. Let's put it this way. I'm Scott Aukerman. Yeah. I'm a podcaster.

I mean... I want to make people laugh. Also a TV star, writer, movie director. Absolutely. Podcaster is like way down at the bottom. And by the way, I'm on my way out. Atsuko has taken over. Right. Okay. Yes. It's going to be you next. So you're the one with the crosshairs on you now. Possibly. I didn't say yes. I heard a yes. I mean, it was implicit. Yeah. I think... Yeah. You know... Hey...

This might be a good pivot for you. It could, yeah. I'm looking at what you've already achieved in this business, which is so fickle, and the wins are always changing. And that's your last name too? Frick is his last name. Oh, sorry. Did you think it was wins? I forget. I thought it was something fick, but it's Frick. It's Frick. Oh, you thought it might be Frick. Yeah, David Frickle. Frick. Frick.

I'm Otzko Okaxka. You're having another quibbly situation here. I know, I know. It's not frickle, it's just frick. It's so hard juggling three different languages. It's like when you want to say the word, not to be indelicate, but the F word. The F-U word. Fuck. Yeah. But instead of saying it in polite society, you just say... You say David Frick. Yeah, Frick. Like that kind of Frick. This David Frickin' guy over here. You know...

I went and saw the Bee Gees in Salt Lake City in 1982. Why? Wow. I happen to be writing a piece about them. He writes. He has to write about music. I know, but this is like past their prime. Well, are you telling me that How Deep Is Your Love isn't

One of the most beautiful ballads. It's gorgeous, and if they were still playing it in 82, that's a wonderful experience to go see them here. Well, it wasn't very long since they had recorded. They'd recorded it probably five years previous, so they probably were still singing it live. Sure. Of course. I would love to see the B&G sing How Deep Is Your Love. See, and that's why David was there. Would I be still writing about them for Rolling Stone? I don't know.

You know, the Mormons in Salt Lake City. Hey, don't let Scott talk you down, okay? I see what you do. You get in people's heads. I look, I mean, yeah. You make them question. You guys move fast. It's hard to keep up. I understand, but what were you going to say about Salt Lake City and the Mormons? See, we were listening. Well, I was going to say that in Salt Lake City, you know, these are people that they're not drinking coffee. They're not even drinking decaf coffee, you know.

No sodas, no Coke. No Coke, nothing that has any type of... Not a single luxury. It's all dope to them.

Exactly. Yeah. It's all forbidden. It's all, yeah. Yeah. Just food. Even four letter words like fuck, you know. Yeah. They're not comfortable saying those words. Yeah. What do they say instead? They say frick. Okay. I'm a Mormon. Right. I'm living in Salt Lake City. I've been, you know, led here by Joseph Smith. It's the 1800s. You know, I'm digging, I'm walking 20 feet from my tent.

and digging a hole to evacuate my bowels. Is that every time you want to do it? I would just keep a hole open and keep it maybe 40 feet away. No, it's a new hole.

A new hole every time. A new hole every time. These are people that are... So there's a shovel by the door, basically, of like anytime you want to go take a pee, you just go dig a new hole? I would imagine that they have their implements that they use for gardening, for agriculture. Do they ever mix them up, do you think? And probably the shit shovel. Right. Oh, you mean the tools or the holes? Yeah, either. I guess, yeah. Can you imagine shitting where you're... literally shitting where you eat? On your wheat crop or something?

I don't know what they grow out there. Perhaps. I don't really know what they grow out there. Yeah. I don't spend a lot of time out there. Right. Why did you bring it up? Because he was there to watch the band play. When I was there, I heard someone, and I could sense on their lips that they wanted to say the word fuck. Right. And what came out of their lips was Frick. Right, right, right. And I just thought that that was, not only was that sort of a convergence, you know, that I ended up being a part of, with my surname being Frick.

I also just found it interesting that these people, not only can they not have a, I don't know, a Frappuccino. Right. But they can't even let the silly little word, you know, what is it? You know, fuck, it's four letters, right? So that's where you took that last name from that trip, right?

Well, I believe your name was already... My name was already Frick. Oh, I see. He thought it was quite a coincidence. I found the experience novel because... Thank you. I need that translated. This isn't my first language. That's why we're co-hosts. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, it aligned with a Mormon substitution, you know? Yeah. So that was fun to watch the Bee Gees? You felt seen. You felt seen. No. It wasn't fun? No, I don't. What was going on with the Bee Gees? No, I like How Deep Is Your Love, but I don't like any of that other stuff.

Wow. When did they play How Deep Is Your Love? Was it pretty late? It was pretty early. Oh, no. So you had to stay the entire... Why not... Again, this is my question. Just get out of the flume and walk away. Hey, when you have a job to do... I have a job to do. Yeah. When you have a job to do like I do now...

With being co-host? With being co-host, yeah. And you're doing a great job. You gotta stay. You're doing a great job. I think this is something that you should really think about, right? Because you're at a crossroads in your career. Yeah. Not the kind of crossroads that Ralph Macchio was in, right? Where he goes down and Satan comes out and tries to battle him on the guitar or whatever. Ralph Macchio. Wasn't he in that movie, Crossroads? Karate Kid? Yeah, the Karate Kid himself, yeah. It's been a few years since I saw that one, Scott.

Yeah. Well, you can always rewatch to know better about what I'm talking about. I suppose so, I guess. You know what? You could do Scott Hasn't Seen With Me.

I'll come back if the subreddit responds to this. For sure. We'll see how that turns out. Crossroads. I don't know. But couldn't you, I guess my question is, couldn't you have left the concert early and then written whatever and everyone, like who's going to dispute it? It's true. The Bee Gees, you know? They're poked out of their goddamn brotherly minds. It's not just my job to drag somebody through the mud. You know, it's my job to

try to elevate this music, you know, to a degree that you could learn from it. I don't like any of it. Who do you like? Like, who are your favorite musicians? Like, name your favorite song. Come Thou Fount. Come Now Fount? Come Thou Fount. Come Thou Fount? Oh, is that like a Bible church song? It's a Presbyterian hymn. It's a church song? Yeah. Wait, I might... I went to church. Can you sing it? Maybe I can join. Maybe I'll understand the title of it if you sing it. You know what? I'll leave the...

I'll leave the singing to, you know, the professionals or whatever. Wow. Okay. Come thou, come thou, come thou found of every blessing. You know that song. I, I, I have to confess. I don't, we didn't sing that one in church. Yeah. I don't, I don't think I ever sang that either. We did like the classics, right? Like how great thou art or like awesome God. Awesome God. How did that one go? Uh,

Right? It's like... You're awesome, God. Kind of, yeah. Our God is an awesome God. It was like a surfer wrote it. Our God is an awesome God. He hangs ten on the universe. Kind of, yeah. That's how that one went. That's not how it goes. Sorry. I'm just trying to figure out, though, what... I mean, you write about music for a living. Right, yeah. You seem to hate... Look, okay, look, look, look, look. I'm Paul McCartney. The Beatles are done.

You know, I'm sort of looking around my studio. I'm thinking, you know, what's next for me? What do I like to do? Play music with my friends. I get a couple of keyboards together. Maybe my wife plays one of the keyboards. We start knocking around some of the demos. What do we end up with? We end up with a band. What is that band called? The band is called Wings. Okay. So all you did was take the literal history and then put it in the first person where you were saying you were...

Paul McCartney? You're not getting it. It's fine. Okay. What is a record, right? What is a record? Well, I mean, if you're talking about an actual vinyl record, it's a... It's a hunk of plastic. Yeah, vinyl, but yeah. Maybe encased in some piece of cardboard, you know, this hunk of cardboard that some, you know, studio executive in a tower somewhere, you know, with the gold-plated cell phone.

you know that guy whatever he cooks up you know that's not the record the record is the sounds that you're hearing how do you hear those sounds you get a stylus you you put it on the record and you let it fall into the grooves and and music comes out and if you don't get that you know i just think that that sucks

If you're Stitch, I just saw Lilo and Stitch, Stitch puts his finger on it and it opens his mouth. Because it's like a sharp fingernail? Yeah, and it plays out of his mouth. That's hilarious. David, shut up for a second. Is the whole movie like that? Is it funny like that?

Yeah, I mean, that's just one scene. That's the preview. That's a preview. They even show it in the trailer. But there's other scenes that are that funny? Yeah. I gotta see this. You gotta run. You should see it. You better take your... You've seen it, David? It's fantastic. You gotta take your daughter. I gotta see this. Hiding legs. Hiding extra legs. Does he put his fingernail on anything else?

Mean I'm not gonna spoil. I mean just because I haven't the kind of humor I like is like people or creatures putting their fingernails. He's an alien. He's an alien. He's an alien Yeah, anything that even more specifically he's a genetic mute. He's a genetic experiment. That's right That's why they're trying to read it by right there trying to take it back. Yeah. Yeah because he's a he's some sort of well He shouldn't be on earth. He should he shouldn't have gotten mixed up with Lilo in the first place, right? That was an aberration. Did you interview Lilo - oh

They're not speaking to each other. What? Wow, that's huge. They haven't spoken in years. This is huge news. Yeah, because they had to act in the most recent movie together. Did they do scenes together or was it all like composite scenes? It's a shame. You know, it was kind of like, have you seen Heat? Yeah, the Robert De Niro. You know, famously. Were they at Cape Mantolini's?

Famously, you know, they didn't face each other. Yeah. They weren't there at the same time? They weren't there at the same time. Yeah. Or Parent Trap. Have you seen it? So Lindsay and the other Lindsay, not there at the same time too. It's kind of like that. I haven't seen that one. I saw the Hayley Mills version. Okay. Oh, yeah. But either way, yeah. Either way, yeah. Both weren't there at the same time. So, yeah. So Lindsay Lohan, was she at Cape Mantolini restaurant like they were in Heat? What's interesting is that she was.

She was actually there to serve as an eyeline during principal photography. Lindsay Lohan was there during Heat. Robert De Niro was there sitting across the table from an off-camera Lindsay Lohan. This is... Okay. See, you're a film guy. This is fascinating. You are more like, yeah, Roger and Ebert. I don't know if you've... Roger and Ebert. Yeah, you're both. I don't know if you've cracked open a Rolling Stone recently, but there's information in there about films as well. Why would I have cracked open a Rolling Stone lately? I mean...

print is a dying medium. You guys talk about the most antiquated, you know,

You're worse than Adam Scott and I talking about, you know, dad rock over here. You're still talking about the fucking Grateful Dead and shit like that. I mean, well, the debt is having a sort of second life. You know, Gen Z, Gen Alpha are embracing jam bands. Okay. David, I don't, I don't care. It's interesting what you bring up about print media. You know, Barnes and Noble has opened over a hundred new stores in the last year. Okay. And how many have they closed? They haven't closed to me.

They haven't closed a single store, David? Romantasy. Only added. Romantasy has kind of revived what many people thought was... A dying medium. A dying medium. Okay, that's fine. Okay, but I'm just saying, like, who buys Rolling Stone anymore? You should be glad you don't work there. You hate music. I like music. You like one song, one hymn. Yeah. I just, I worry about you, David, because how old are you? You're... I'm 300. 300.

356. I thought so. Because y'all were really keeping up with the references. I was like, oh, I was such a baby. I wasn't even born. You know, some of the things you guys were talking about. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but... It's okay. You don't have to understand everything, you know. Ultimately, you just need to be as authentic as possible to yourself as an artist, right? Are you that authentic? You're writing about bands you hate. Well, I'm a critic.

Yeah, but when you write in your profile, you're not criticizing them. You're just writing these glowing things. Like, what did you write about the Bee Gees that night? I said, you know, I show up, I'm looking around, you know, I'm David Frick. I'm David Frick. I'm a writer. I'm a writer. I've written for Rolling Stone. I know. I get the formula. Right, right. Yeah. And what would you do? Your favorite song plays at the beginning. What would you do? Right?

Right? Your favorite song. Played at the beginning. Yeah. You realize you have two more hours to go. Right. But then you never ask like, what would you do? You just kind of say the thing and then that's over. You know what I mean? Because you always go, okay, so I'm the Beatles. And then that's like, we don't really, I don't know what the next thing is really. Yeah. I guess the wings. Yeah.

Wings was the next. Yeah. But what does David Frick do in this situation? Well, you know, Paul McCartney started Wings because the Beatles had achieved such a level of fame. It would have been impossible to continue. Who the fuck cares? Especially not touring. Who the fuck cares about the Beatles? The Rolling Stones, then. I don't. Who gives a shit about them? Okay. I'm Charlie Watts. I've been drumming with the Rolling Stones. You're dead. And everyone Rolling Stone has ever written about is dead.

Wow. Who cares, David? It's not true. Hey, they cover stand-ups, I saw. Your favorite medium that you put in the middle. Yeah, they cover stand-ups as well. See, they do other stuff. Look, I'm Nikki Glaser. Friend of the show, so be careful. Sure. Okay, I want to perform stand-up comedy. What do I need? I need jokes. Okay.

Okay. How do I write? And a microphone. And a microphone. Yeah, sure. And a stage, usually, too. Maybe that'll be provided by the venue. Maybe it won't. I don't know. I bring my own. Every venue I go to. You bring your own stage with you? Stage and microphone. And microphone. Just in case. Yeah. I keep the stage in the back because usually there is one. Your overhead is high. That's why you no longer tour. Yeah, exactly. You lost money. You're always in the red, right? Of course, but I feel the fans deserve it.

You know, I do live talks. I moderate Q&As with bands a lot. That's primarily what I do now at this point in my career. That sounds cool. Do you enjoy it? It's cool. Well, I, you know,

Usually the venues provide the microphones. I'll bring the cords. Yeah. You bring the cords? You bring the microphone cords? I bring about 500 to 1,000 feet of XLR. Okay. Yeah, wow. Good. I mean, David, you sound cool. I'll bring a guitar stand sometimes. Mostly I just bring a straight stand. Why? Why?

Do you play guitar during these talks? Why are you bringing a guitar stick? No, because I'm sitting down in deep chairs talking to Don Waz or Mike Love or whoever. God, you could not pay me to go see one of your talks talking to Don fucking Waz. Well, what's wrong with talking to Don Waz?

He recorded Walk the Dinosaur. I know! That was one million years ago when the real dinosaurs were around. Who the fuck cares, David? Here's my favorite songs. How Deep Is Your Love. Yeah. Boy Named Sue. Yeah. Come Thou Fount of Every Place. Come Thou Fount. Walk the Dinosaur.

Walk the Dinosaur, the Super Mario Brothers movie first. Oh, I don't know that one. And then pretty much the entire discography of Bella Fleck. Okay. All right. Well, David, I'm glad you've landed on your feet

you know, now that you're not working for Rolling Stone magazine any longer. I'm doing great. You're doing great. It sounds like it. You're doing great too, by the way. I feel like I am doing great. I'm, I'm at least, uh, actively participating in a medium that, uh, young people care about. Uh,

I may not be one myself any longer, but at least people... This is a form of communication that young people enjoy. Of course. Yeah, I mean, most kids these days, are they listening to audiobooks? Are they listening to Moby Dick on their phones? Yes. Yes. Are they...

Are they seeing, you know? I've often walked by teenagers and I can hear just the faint, like, call me Ishmael coming out of the headphones. What's interesting is that's not even the first line of the book. Okay, what is the first line? Well, there's an entire preceding chapter about how badly this man likes to go out to the water. They should just cut it.

Maybe it should have been cut. Maybe it shouldn't have. That's not up to us. It's up to Herman Melville. I can tear it out of my book if I want to, can't I? I own the book, right? Something that's really interesting about Moby Dick. That's aging yourself. You have the actual book. Guys, can I say this real quick? Yeah. Something that's really interesting about Moby Dick. It's actually dedicated to Nathaniel Hawthorne.

That's not interesting about anything. It's not interesting about Moby Dick. It's not interesting about Nathaniel Hawthorne. It's not interesting about books. God damn it. You suck. I think it's iconic. He interviewed Stitch. You had me at Stitch. All right, David, please, you have to stop talking. You suck so bad. But hey, can you stick around?

I'm David Frick. I'm sitting here with Otsuka Okotsuka, Scott Ackerman. We're getting into it. We're talking about what are the roots of artistry. This isn't your show. This is me and Otsuka's show. Where do we take it from here? So we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. No, you're not throwing to commercial right after this. We are doing it together. All right. So we have to take a break. We're going to come right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Otsuka Otsuka here. Father is the special. It's out on Hulu now. This runs approximately 60 of your Earth Minutes. And it's a good special. I've seen it. I give it the old seal of approval, the thumbs up. Thank you so much. Yeah. You're going to make another one?

Yes. I'm already touring with a new hour. Really? Yeah. And so we'll see where that ends up. Okay. Maybe you've done one to HBO. Why don't you just sell it to HBO right now? And then they say, well, we can't put it out till 2026. Oh my God. Brilliant. Yeah. I could. You should have just sold the one that you did and then just do a new one for them. And then just go get ahead of it. Can I represent you?

Yes, yeah. You represent me. I want to be your manager. Yeah. And then you do this show. I'm just not seeing the benefit of doing this show yet. I know you and David were both trying to. And you said there's no pay. Yeah. And there's no snacks. There's no snacks either, yeah. It gets your name out there.

It's exposure, and it plugs you into a social media experience. God, if you're giving it a thumbs up, then I'm really worried about it. I'm having a fabulous time. This is David's favorite thing. David likes nothing but this. You were rhapsodizing about how much you're enjoying the show during the break. That's your demographic, sweetie. I love the show. Look into his eyes. That's your number one fan. Jesus fucking Christ. I listen to every episode. Oh my God. I do. Please, no. No.

Listen, you know, look, I'm adjacent Manzoukas. You know, I'm a character. Did you say adjacent Manzoukas? That's right. Yeah, he's a person who's been on the show several times. And Jason Manzoukas is his neighbor. I'm kind of, you know, I'm looking around. I'm thinking, what am I doing today? Maybe I've already mowed the lawn. Maybe I already took the trash to the curb. Whatever it was that I had to do. What do I want to do next? I want to come hang out with Scott, record an episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

See, this is his dream. You just basically said nothing. It's not true. And you've taken 60 of my Earth seconds to do it. I think the spokesperson...

Is he okay? Is he still here? Why do you measure things like Marvin the Martian? That's my business. All right. Do a profile on me someday. That'd be the first thing I ask you if I do a Rolling Stone feature on you. I'd love that. You look great. You know what? I am a big fan of your writing. Well, thank you. Not you personally at all or your speaking voice, but I would love for you to do a profile on me. Yeah, I'd put you on the cover sort of the way that we did with Al Gore in

In 2000, you know, khaki pants, Heather Gray t-shirt. You dress the people who are on the covers as well? I do. You're the stylist? I do all the grooming. You're like a clothes guy. That's what you're more interested in. I didn't know it was such a small production over there. Yeah. Sounds like, yeah. It's Jan Wenner and you, and that's about the extent. Pretty much it, yeah. Wow. Wow.

Well, we have to get to someone with a business of their own. Right. If that's okay. Yeah. And he's been on the show once before out in, we were in, was it Madison? Madison.

Wisconsin. Madison, Wisconsin. He was on the show before. This is his first time here in studio with us. He is, are you the owner and proprietor of? Absolutely not. Oh, you're just the spokesperson? I'm the former spokesperson. Former spokesperson. Both former. You got two people who are not even in their jobs anymore. I know. I need you to help out with the booking as well.

Oh, my God. I'd love to get my job back. Let's do that. Then there'll be a person in their job on the show. Yeah, let's introduce him. He is the former spokesperson for Maynard's. Please welcome Ray Zimanda. Yay, Ray. Thank you for that welcome, Scott, and thank you. I welcome you to Save Big Money at Maynard's. Thank you.

Thank you very much. It's pronounced Menards. Okay. I've never seen one. I am about as interested in it as I am in what David is talking about over here. You never stopped into one of our many locations around the Great Lakes area? I have not. On your tour last summer? Tour of Menards? No, I never went to it. What do they sell? Is it like fishing goods? We sell fishing goods, outdoor living, indoor decorations, home goods, doors, windows, lighting fixtures, tools. It's like Dick, but it's Menards. Menards.

I've been to a Menards. It's a fabulous store.

Well, if Stitch is breaking things a lot, I'd recommend picking up a six-pack of push brooms. Four for $9.92. That's a great deal. Wow. They have everything. Do you have a food court or anything? I love food. We have prepackaged foods up by the register. You can get popcorn balls. Did you bring any with you? Peanut butter taffy. Asko's very hungry right now. And if you brought some with you, how much would you pay for food right now? Whatever. You said it was... He's talking about brooms. Yeah.

Yeah. Would you eat a broom? Everything sounds very affordable there. So far, I hear $4.99. I hear bundles. We have five-pound bags of trail mix with cashews and M&M substitutes. Oh, now he's making me hungry. Two bucks a pound at 8.30 in the morning. Okay, can I just get one pound? Why do I need six brooms? They're sold in five-pound bags. Can I just buy one push broom? You can buy four packs of six.

Four packs of... That's 24 brooms? If that's what you need. Oh, for brooms. I don't need that. Only at Menards. For brooms. I need maybe one broom. Okay. How many brooms do you have in your house? One that's barely hanging on. Yeah. I guess I do... You need one broom to use, one broom for when that one goes bad so you don't have to go to the store again, and the rest you can give away as housewarming gifts. I guess that's true. I don't know that many people buying houses every year. Not in this economy. Okay.

Yeah. Wow, are you getting kind of political there, Ray? Well, if you remember from our live show, I was considering running for mayor. Oh, that's right. Yeah, whatever happened with that? Not mayor, governor. Whoa! Even better. Whatever happened with that? I was advised against it. By whom? By all the people I contacted.

Oh, dang. Who'd you contact? I contacted, well, the mayor of Wausau, the mayor of Wau... I convened all the mayors of all the cities where we had locations. And I, of course, consulted John Menard, the richest man in Wisconsin. Right. And they all said just a flat no? The mayor of Wauwatosa said yes. The mayor of Wausau, Waukesha, and Wapaka all said no. Okay. So it's like basically democracy rules there. Four people say no. They think it's problematic that I'm dead.

I forgot about that. Yeah, when we did the show together, you are dead, right? I died in 2018. And what happened there? Complications from a fall. Oh, yeah. The way I always wanted to go. Do you fall out of a coconut tree? Nope, just slipped.

I was 91 years old. It's a gentle fall to the ground, but it eventually killed me. And how are you here right now? I guess... Clawed my way out of hell. Wow. The twists and turns. How is hell, by the way? Well, I'm not sure. By the end of that show, we weren't sure if I had clawed my way out of hell or if I had just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

And we never found, you personally never figured this out? I've not, although I am reverse aging. I'm getting younger. Oh, you are? So how old are you now? I'm in my prime. I'm in my 70s. Oh, he's like Benjamin Button. Yeah, you're at a rapid clip, too. I'm thinking it's going to even out. Okay, so you died seven years ago, and you died at 91. You should be 84 at this point. Right, that's correct. Okay.

Wow. And when did you know you had a talent for selling stuff? Yeah. Oh, this was an audition. Were you an actor? I was a broadcaster. Oh, cool. An announcer. Local announcer. I went around to the high schools around Wisconsin where I'm from, and I officiated the donkey basketball games.

What are the rules on that? Is that one where you don't want the ball? No, you do want the ball, but you also have to be on a donkey to be able to. That substitutes dribbling. Okay, so you can hold the ball while the donkey's moving. The donkey's traveling, though. Is that right? Wow. Correct. But if you're on a donkey, that substitutes for dribbling. Okay, so then basically you're on a donkey. What if you step off the donkey like Asko should have stepped off of the flume ride, right?

Does that make sense? Quite often people are... Do you get penalized?

The referees are very little listened to during a donkey basketball game. So you were officiating these? I was doing the announcing. Oh, I see. Okay. And it was a lot of, this is high school teachers versus local DJs in a basketball tournament involving donkeys. Okay, so all the teachers are on one team and all the DJs are on one team, or do they mix it up? It's mixed up. So maybe if there's five people on one team, it's like three DJs, two teachers? I don't know how many DJs they have.

How many DJs does every city have? One DJ per team. Okay, that's a good ratio. It's interesting. After you died, you kept your spokesperson voice. It's just that you die in that voice. Well, this is my on-camera performance voice. Oh, what's your regular voice? I don't have a regular voice. I'm a very quiet person. So you're totally silent. And then until you speak. That's right. I take in my surroundings. Yeah. So you're an introspective fellow.

I would say so, and so would my wife. Is your wife still with us? No, my wife is dead. She has not clawed her way out of hell or the bomb. No, Maxine has not. No, she's not. It also leads me to believe that it's not possible to come back from the dead. Okay, so because she would to be with you, you think? I believe so. Hmm.

Okay. If not, she'd at least claw her way back to the land of living to save big money at Menards. That's true, because the brooms, yeah. And why do you think you're aging in reverse? Because that's a unique new wrinkle. Oh, I'm filled with vim and vigor.

Come on, the energy. He speaks from his diaphragm. Yeah. I mean, I guess if we all just spoke from our diaphragms, we could maybe not age. Is that the key? It's not about not aging. It's reverse aging. Reverse aging, yeah. My wardrobe is regressing.

Oh, really? When I died, I wore a classic deep V-neck sweater with a tie. How deep? All the way down to my sternum. Right around my xiphoid process. That's too deep. It's pretty deep. Yeah, that's... You can see my whole pocket of my shirt. Wow.

Wow. So you had a shirt underneath. Yes, with a tie. Before that, I was wearing what I'm wearing now, a blue polo shirt. Okay, so your clothes are reversing. So eventually you'll get back down to short pants and diapers? I'm not sure. I'm not sure the rules of this. Yeah. Do you think that you're going to live another 84 years until finally you're just a baby now? Or could you be hit by a bus?

That was the thing about Benjamin Button is like, oh, wow, he's aging backwards. Like, what if he got hit by a bus when he was 79? That's Meet Joe Black. Oh, that's Meet Joe Black. That's the other Brad Pitt movie. You ever interview Brad Pitt? I did. Yeah, actually, yes. Oh. For Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. It was fairly recently. Wow, recent. How was it? How was it? I don't know. It was a hot day.

I hadn't really eaten enough. I needed some Stillwater. God, I'm so sorry I asked you about this. We have hot savings at our location in Stillwater, Minnesota. It's one that I've been to before. Stillwater's a great town. It's fantastic. We have candy corn available all year long. Only at Menards. You're still keeping up with the prices at Menards? I have sticker shock.

So the prices, do they change over the years? They must have, right? Are these the prices that you remember? Because these are good prices. They are. I would sell you a pillow window for $6.82 a foot. Meanwhile, if you go into a store now, they're prefabricated $6.92 an inch.

Oh, okay. So they did change. I don't know what these are. Probably because the tariffs, you know, you got to change. Because I said $2 per, I forget the math, something about 10 for two. Foot, inch, yeah. Yeah. What are you even talking about? Thompson Lighting Fixtures shed a little light on your paycheck by providing big savings at Menards. That's the reason to buy these is so that you can look at your paycheck. You save big money.

Yeah. Invite quality into your life, Scott. Wouldn't your paycheck already have a fixed amount and then you would know? Never mind. Well, you're going to make those pennies and cents stretch farther. Is it commission? Wow. Yeah. Did you get a commission? That's a good question, though. Did you get a commission for like... Everything you got to sell. Let's say I buy these brooms. What do you get now? If you buy a broom and you say that old race in here, I get a nickel.

Oh, I get $10,000 every time they open a new store. Okay. Wow. And I cut the ribbon. Oh, that's the deal. Ray cuts the ribbon. Right. Of course. So would they, would they sort of try to kind of cheat you out of the $10,000 by not having you cut the ribbon or they would try. Okay. But you would always show up with scissors.

Correct. And I'd say, ribbon's already cut. Too late. Too late. Yeah. I got here at four in the morning and cut the ribbon. I love this spirit, you know. I do. As a former cheerleader, I can really relate to this idea of wanting to just, you know, sell, sell, sell. You know, we're happy. Well, you know, I heard you say, I don't think that cheerleaders have nothing to do because football players feed off the energy of the crowd. And if you are leading those cheers, you are delivering energy, performance, power to those players.

Thank you so much. That's true. Yeah. Does it really work though? Although other countries don't have cheerleaders on my tour, I was cognizant of that. So did you have to cut that entire chunk? No, I would tell them that, you know, they've watched American movies. They know what it is. Yeah. They've watched Bring It On or Cheer, the Netflix docuseries. I bet Lilo and Stitch has like at least something to do with cheerleaders in it. He's so funny. From what I hear, he's got a scene where he puts his fingernail down on a record and

Yeah, you are obsessed. Have you seen the movie Sky? You're going to be like David after that scene is over. You're like, oh God, there's more of this. I'd like to see Stitch get into a clothes dryer, come flying out of it, dressed as a cheerleader, land on a football field on top of a pyramid. Let me guess. I love that. I love that too. Let me guess. You sell footballs?

We do. We have all sorts of sporting goods from athletics to hunting and fishing supplies. Okay. And do you have children, by the way? I meant to ask you this. I'd like not to talk about it. I lost my son.

Oh, wow. Is he also a ghost? So he's also a ghost. Do you lose a man in Menards? It's Menards! Is he still wandering around Menards somewhere? No, I believe he just passed. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, this is a lovely tribute to him, though, being on this show this week. Yeah, and that you're back and still selling. All I care about is getting back on the air!

I like your indomitable spirit. Thank you very much. That even though you've suffered the indignities of life and hell, you've lost family members. You still wake up every day. You say, I got to move these brooms. I got to move this caramel popcorn. You pick yourself up. You dust yourself off. You keep moving. I think that's great. And David doesn't like much. Yeah, he doesn't like music. He barely likes films. I like a lot of stuff. He likes five songs. You'd love a gallon of satin spread glidden paint.

$3.99 a gallon. I'd buy it right now, and I have. When I was there in Minnesota, still water location, I bought $11,000 worth of paint. Why? What were you doing in Minnesota needing $11,000 worth of paint? Painting a mural of Bob Dylan on the side of a museum. Is he your king? I love the music of Bob Dylan. Are you a painter though? He's done a lot of great stuff. I paint sometimes. How'd it come out?

Did it look like him? Let's just say... He's just a bunch of hair. You don't really have to... Let's just say one day everything's going to be like a rhapsody when I paint my masterpiece. Okay, I think that's... That sounds like a veiled threat. It's either a Dylan lyric or a veiled threat. Are you going to assassinate Bob Dylan? I don't have any plans to in the future. Okay, well then probably not then unless...

Plans pop up into your head, I guess. He is 84. And so he is in a place in his life where... That's how old Ray is. We're tied. Yeah, you're tied. Except one's unfortunately dead. One's going the other way. One is, yeah. I have a feeling I'm going to level out in my 60s.

Let us know when that does happen, by the way. Sure. Mathematically, it should be, I don't know, two years. That would be a bummer, though, to suddenly realize that you're aging backwards and you're like four years old. I bet when you go through reverse puberty and you're like, oh, no, now there's no hair on my... What's a...

polite way of saying this Johnson pubis on my Menard now that is a very common thing for children in the Midwest to say save big money at my Nards and I am against that you don't like this no I find it disrespectful to the big savings that we provide at Menards say does Menards think of like do they have any plans of expanding you know because I'm just I'm in the West Coast and

Yeah, we haven't been able to be. We can't get these deals. We are in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, North Dakota, South Dakota. Oh, so no. Okay, but I guess her question was, are there plans of expanding? I'm not aware anymore. John Menard won't return my call. Yeah, what's going on? Were you fired or did you die? Why did you lose this spokesperson job? I was forced to retire in 1997.

By Mr. Menard. And why? What were the circumstances? Was it a pre-Me Too kind of situation? What's that? Pre-Me Too? I was not a pre-me. I was born past my due date. Wait, how late? I was born three months after my due date. That's too long. Well, it wasn't my fault. The doctor made a mistake.

I think, you know, you could have gotten out of the flume, though. He told my mom, this guy's going to be here in four months. Well, still. But I guess, what were the circumstances? Why were you forced out of the job?

Well, to be honest, I think they were looking for a cheaper way to advertise. A younger, more youthful energy. They didn't want to pay for on-camera talent. Okay. So why are you still so caught up in the Menards whole thing? You just love it? I like it when people recognize me.

Yeah. I mean, I guess... Yeah, we can relate to that. I mean, you... Yeah, I mean, you were on the flume taking wet selfies. These glasses are non-prescription. They don't even have glass in them, but I wear them when I go out to dinner. Oh, I can relate to that. Let me poke my finger through them. Ow! Knock it off. He's still feeling the truth. He still feels...

I'm going to have to head down to the optical center at Menards. That was unkind. Yeah. I just wanted to see the question, the veracity of his statement. You did it like I was a ghost. Like you thought you'd go right through me. He's not a ghost. I kind of thought that's how it worked. I'm kind of, yeah. Are you a ghost? He's not a ghost. He's come back from hell. Oh, right, right. Like physical. I just want to make sure. You are not a ghost. You're not haunting us. I've been bumping into things nonstop. Let me ask you something, Scott. Yeah, David. Is Spawn a ghost?

I mean, this is a good question. Is the clown played by John Leguizamo a ghost? The violator? Well, that's the only other person that I could think of who was in hell. Was in hell and came back? Well, Jesus Christ. So I'm Spawn. Jesus Christ descended into hell on the third day and rose again. Yeah, the third day. And he was like, get me out of here. Also, like Spawn, when in a black guy came out a white guy.

You know, there's an argument to be made there. There are a number of black American churches that propose that Christ had features. You know, he was also African born. Yes. Yes. Thank you, David. You're just a continuous fountain of inane bullshit. Thank you so much. These people think Jesus had features? Well. Did he direct his eyes when he was working?

Yeah, that's an interesting thing that you brought up from earlier in the program. I think that's really cool that you can do that. Comedians do callbacks, yes. Yeah, callback. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, sort of like a reprise on a record or in a Broadway show. Yes, yes. So, Ray. Scott! D'Angelo's Black Messiah. Great record. Okay, so you do like that record? I do. What songs on it do you like? I don't know. Have you listened to it? No.

So you just think it's good because you've heard it's good? It's good stuff. I used to be a professional drummer. Wow. Really, Ray? That's right. We're surrounded by musicians. What genre? What style? Big band. Big band. Killed by rock and roll. Haven't touched an instrument since. You can still play it even though it's not popular anymore. What's the point? If I don't get the attention, I don't want it. Right. So you're like an attention...

I don't want to say whore, but a sex worker. Goodness, thank you. Yes. Sex work is work, and I'm here to work. For attention. For attention, a.k.a. sex. He didn't know me too, but he knows. He knows that. He knows sex work is the right way to say it. So you escaped me too.

Because you died in 2019? 2018. 2018. And when did it start happening? Was it... Around then, 2017, I thought. But I also have never heard of it before. Well, you know, Megan Toohey was following Trump on the campaign trail in 2015 and 2016. By the way, did she base this whole thing on her name? May, me, Megan, Toohey, too, me too? It's very possible. What's Hot Toohey? Is it...

What, the whole thing is just a pun for a pun? Yeah, it's just her trying to get her name out there or something. I don't know. What do we think? How do we feel about Me Too these days, guys? Oh my God. Hey, you brought it up.

Scott with his updated references. So, Ray, I mean, if Maynard's Maynard's Maynard's were to come crawling back to you and Mr. Maynard says or maybe even Mr. Maynard, you know, time takes care of him. He goes into hell. Then we've got to deal with John Maynard's Jr. OK, is he a fan?

He's a fan of racing cars. Okay, well, close. But say he comes crawling back to you and says, like, you know what, Ray? Things were great at Menards when you were our spokesperson. Can you come back? I'll do it.

So no matter what the terms are? I don't need terms. You just love the fame? As long as the term is that I get myself back in front of a camera. Okay. Well, I hope that happens for you. I mean, I certainly... Yeah, we can relate to that, right? And the glasses, even though there's no lens. I keep this haircut. I feel like I can't ever change it. Yeah. What would happen if you did a special and you came out one day...

And you had long, just luxurious flowing locks down to your ass. Can Santa change his... Does Minnie Mouse ever not wear her bow? Yeah, what if Santa had a goatee? You know what I mean? Yeah, no, that's not Santa, sweetie. Then that's... Exactly. You're locked into it now for all of time, aren't you? I mean, yeah, a little bit, yeah. I mean, my fans show up to my shows wearing wigs of my bowl cut. That's fun. What am I, gonna just...

they bought the wigs but you know how weird al changed he uh he straightened his hair and he shaved off his mustache you could do that once i feel like like he was able to do it once he can't do it again yeah you could do like different eras yeah metallica's you know got short hair for a little while sure yeah yeah yeah yeah you can do yeah you should like enough heads up you know yeah heads up seven and like a story right this is a new era you can start wearing wigs

That's right. Yeah. Wigs of my bowl cut gently acclimate your audience and fans to different hairstyles. That's right. Do they sell wigs? Let me guess. Menards. We do. In which section would that be in the beauty, in the beauty section? Oh, okay. We've got mismatched makeup brushes in a bin. Oh, incredible. Turn right and find the wigs. Let me ask if I wanted to buy a wig at Menards, you know, say, all right, look, I'm David Frick. I'm walking around Menards. Uh,

I want to wear a different hairstyle than the one I have on, you know, possibly not even use my own hair for it. Maybe it's somebody else's. Maybe it's synthetic. Maybe it's South Indian hair. Jesus Christ, get to the fucking point. You know, and I'm looking at the wigs at Menards. How much can I expect to spend? My budget, before you begin, my budget is $9,000. That's a huge fucking wig budget. You can open up a Menards.

You could lock in big savings, $12 an inch at Menards on wigs. $12 per inch. First of all, that's too expensive. That's very pricey now. And secondly, why is your budget $9,000 for wigs? So I can afford two to three wigs at Menards. That's true because they sound expensive. And you're not sure where I'm measuring from.

Yeah, is it from the base? It's a cross. Or from the tip? A cross. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. David, I don't know what's going on with your finances or your life that you need these wigs and why you have so much kind of spare pocket money to spend on these. I got in early with Dan Aykroyd on House of Blues and Hard Rock Cafe. Okay, they all went out of business, though.

Not before I was able to exit from the business when I saw how themed restaurants were going. How is Dan, by the way? Was he at the SNL 50? Do you know? I wouldn't know. I wasn't invited to that ceremony. You weren't invited? David Frick didn't go to SNL 50? No. I was busy. What were you doing? What were you doing? I was seeing Screaming Females with White Reaper.

How was that? Did you enjoy that? It's a great show. Okay, but do you like their music? Yeah, I think she's a fabulous guitarist. Okay, but do you like it? Yeah, it's good music. But is it good? Do you like it? What's good music, you know?

Okay, so I'm Marissa Paternoster. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. We don't have time for this. All right, well, Ray, thank you so much for coming by again. I really hope that you get back into Menards. And I hope you get back into Big Savings at Menards. I thought you were going to say back into my TV show, but thanks. I appreciate that. Please get back in your TV show. Do you need an announcer?

That would be great. I think if I do another season of the Bang Bang TV show, you as the announcer would be, that's a lock. Ladies and gentlemen, Comedy Bang Bang's own Scott Aukerman. Yes. Wow, from Comedy Bang Bang, and he's on Comedy Bang Bang? That's right. Amazing. We are running out of time, though, guys. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That's something called plugs. Plug. Plug the toilet. Plug it up. Plug a woman. Plug a man. Little Dutch boy, plug it up a damn. Plugs.

Okay, that was Limp Plugs It by the Aging Punk and the Complainers. All right, look, guys, what are we plugging? Asko, Father is out right now. Yes. And it's on Hulu. Hulu, Disney Plus. And also your previous special was called something with an I, right? The Intruder. Intruder, yes. Yeah, the Intruder. Peter Gabriel had a, why am I talking to you again?

Peter Gabriel, yeah. Oh, no, you're going to ask David. Shock the monkey. Yeah, he had a song called Intruder. But then I turned to David and realized my mistake right away. It's interesting that you bring Peter Gabriel. No, it's not. So I'm Peter Gabriel, right? And I just wrote Intruder.

Anything else going on that you want to plug here? Oh, just, yeah, you can catch me on tour. Yeah. Yeah. How do people get information about where you might be popping up in their city? I'm at oddscocomedy.com. Yeah. Yeah. All right. And David Frick, what are you plugging here? Look, I'm James Austin Johnson. What? I'm touring the nation this summer. How do I get the information out about that?

Oh, I see. You're profiling. Right. James Austin Johnson, the Saturday Night Live cast member. The man. Yeah.

know america's trump and trump's america america's second trump yeah america's second we love trump so much we want a second one that we check in with every week exactly well we didn't get sometimes for too long and to diminishing returns a lot of people might say so you can go to james johnson the first time's funny second time is the spanking it's true yeah well you know why if you've if you've tapped into a vein you know look i'm lauren michaels

I feel like I've found a vein of comedy that I need to follow. What do I do with that? I put it on TV as much as I can. Sure, sure. And so say you're this guy, this James Austin Johnson. James Austin Johnson, yeah. And you are touring the country this summer? Touring the country this summer, that's right. And doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, and while audiences haven't quite come back in full force for live entertainment since the days before...

COVID, you know, there's, people are still seeking out entertainment. I think that's great. So you can go to jamesaustinjohnson.com. You can go to my website,

my Instagram. David Frick's Instagram? Yeah. No, I'm James Austin Johnson. You are James. Okay, so you're so deep into the character that you're profiling right now. This is my rhetorical strategy. Got it, got it. So at J-A-J center, find all the information there. That's how I do it. Wasn't it Shrimp J-A-J for a while? It was for a while, but ultimately we had a discussion about whether that was something that should continue. Ha ha ha!

Hey, it was memorable because we still remember it. Yeah. I love shrimp. I don't even know what the other thing you said was, but I still remember Shrimp J.A.J. Yeah, Judge Center. It's the center for all the James Austin Johnson stuff. Love it. And Ray Zmanda? That's right. Just like Ruth's Chris. Ray Zmanda. Ray Zmanda. What do you want to plug here? As mentioned in the Plugs Bag song, we've got Dutch Boy Paint.

A nickel of quartz, select varieties. Did they mention that in the song? I said the word Dutch boy. Oh, okay. All right. I thought that was a cue for me. Also, I'd say check out the Those Who Ant podcast. What is that? Is that about the comedy of ant? It's a podcast that helps you see the world through ant-colored glasses. I don't know what this means. Well, you'll have to tune in to find out. I prefer to know before I tune in. It's a podcast about...

hosted by two aunts who love their nieces, nephews, and niblings. Oh, aunts. Oh, sure. Okay. I thought it was like a bug's life. Well, they call their fans the ant colony. Okay, that's fun. So I say ant. Okay, got it. And it's a more Midwestern thing too, right? My.

I don't think so. I think it has worldwide appeal. Yeah. All right. I want to plug. Look, head over to CBB World dot com and you can get a subscription. You can get every single episode of Comedy Bang Bang. All of our previous episodes ad free new episodes ad free. You can get every live episode we've ever done. That's thousands of episodes of Comedy Bang Bang all over there.

Also, we have new shows. We have CBB Presents shows like Who Me with the Batman. Chris Kattan was just on. Was he at SNL 50 if you're James Austin Johnson? Yeah.

Yeah, Chris Kattan was there. Fantastic. And we also have Hey Randy. We have College Town. We have The Neighborhood Listen. We have Scott Hasn't Seen, where I watch movies with people. That guy you were mentioning, James Austin Johnson, we watched from Russia with Love, I believe, and talked about it. It was a great episode. It was one of our best episodes. One of the best episodes of podcasting, I think, possibly in the history of the medium. I also watched Jumpin' Jack Flash, I believe, with another guy. Oh, that's a fantastic movie.

Not in my estimation, but spoiler alert. Penny Marshall's first directorial debut. Yeah, that's right. But head over to cbbworld.com and you can get a subscription over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Open the plug!

Ah, yes, that was Open the Plug Back With Me, Dude by Jonathan Astonish. Thanks so much to Jonathan Astonish and the Aging Punk and the Complainers. If you have a plugs theme, go to cbbworld.com slash...

right? Yeah, and you can upload all of your stuff up there and all of that stuff. And I want to thank our guest. Asko, it's so wonderful to have you on the show for the first time. I would love to continue this relationship going forward. Do we need to formalize it at all in writing? I mean, you, you know, you have this whiteboard here. Yeah, we could put a contract on that maybe and then I could...

Yeah. Just sign that and I'll, you know. And then you'll write the words later. Yeah, I'll fill it in the contract. That's how people get trapped into bad contracts, right? Yeah, exactly. But not with me, obviously. Not with a whiteboard where you could just erase it. Yeah, there you go. So just sign that there for me. Meanwhile, while you're doing that, David Frick, so wonderful to, well, I'm not going to lie. It was really a drag to meet you.

You know, that's unfortunate to hear, but I want to thank you, Scott, for joining us today as well as you, Atsuko, and you, Ray. I thought it was a fabulous talk. I want to thank everybody here at the 92nd Street Y for joining us tonight. You're giving talks at the Y? That's a... Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you're a sad guy is all I'm saying. I'm not sad. I have an enjoyable life. Damn.

I have a full life. Do you have loved ones? Are you married? I have loved ones, yeah. Okay. I have a lot of sex. Really? Yeah. Like how often? Surprising amount. For a 73-year-old, I have a lot of sex. Like per week, what are we talking? I don't know. Five to six sessions of missionary. Wow. Five to six sessions of mish per week? Half dozen mish, yeah. Dang. Okay.

I mean, I got to give it up to you, David, for that. Yeah. Mishes on the half-pals. That's about as many times like Broadway performers perform in a week. That's right. Yeah. Usually you do, let's see, a matinee on... Yeah, you do a matinee on Wednesday. Anyway, and then, Ray. Scott. Good luck to you. If you're looking for sex, we got really cruisy bathrooms at Menards. Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And that's free. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I've never felt like this before. It's like you just get me. I feel like my true self with you. Does that sound crazy? And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous. Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me.

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