Paul F. Tompkins, Will Hines
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Don't hate the player or hate the game. I invented this game and I worked really hard. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Popcorn Pigeon for that. Aww. Aww, isn't that cute? Popcorn Pigeon. Popcorn Pigeon. I wonder if that's a pigeon made of popcorn or a pigeon that eats popcorn exclusively. I think it's like popcorn chicken, but it's pigeon. Oh, interesting. Yes. Popcorn Chicken.

That's San Francisco treat. Yep. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. This is, of course, the podcast that is the San Francisco treat. No, is that for real? That is for real. Yeah. Our biggest city is San Francisco. So what does that mean?

The biggest city in the world is San Francisco. Okay, that's what I thought you meant. Yeah. And I agree. Yes. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have someone who works in the illustrated medium industry.

And that will be very exciting. But before we get to them, let us turn to our guest of honor. He's on this show very rarely, only usually around two times a year. Two holidays. Christmas. That's right. The Mass of Christ. And Wet Day, which is coming up in about a month. Yes. But he's here early. Yeah. He decided to swing by the studio here. Not like Spider-Man, certainly. You weren't literally swinging. Or Tarzan.

Tarzan. Who are the famous swingers? Spider-Man. Tarzan. Pitfall Harry. The Ice Storm couples. The Ice Storm couples. Jon Favreau in that one movie. Oh, yes. My mind went to Jon Favreau playing Tarzan. Sure, why not? I can't even say what George was of.

I'm so excited. Brendan Frazier. People were like, what if Tarzan was silly? Yeah. And that's how we got George of the Jungle. That's how we did it. Like, you could do that with almost anything is turn a cartoon. Cartoon. Now you could turn a cartoon into silliness. We should mention that this is the earliest we've ever recorded.

Is that true? No, I do believe that I may have recorded an episode at 9 a.m. once, but this is, I don't believe I've spoken today to anyone other than my daughter. And I was saying goo-goo-ga-ga to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because she don't talk human talk. In order to communicate. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So the mouth is- You ever talk to a baby like, you ever talk to a baby like, you ever talk to a baby like, hey, what's going on? And then the baby's like, oh, goo-goo-goo-goo.

This is a good chunk of material. Thank you. I'm not a parent, but I do have material about little kids.

You should do a 10-minute chunk on, I'm not a parent, but I have material on how to interact with kids. It's all very... It becomes the famous name of the bit. Yes. Speaking of famous names, he has one. Please welcome back Paul F. Tompkins. Hello. Hi. How are you? Scott, you and I are dear friends. Yes. And here we are... We're friends to a lot of deer. Yes, that's what I meant. Now, how many are you up to?

One and a half. I've like met the second one, but we're not friends yet. You're acquaintances with another deer. Yeah.

I am work friends with two deer. Okay. And very good friends with one. Okay. So you're on your way. So we're good friends with the same amount of deer. Yes. But we have some others in play. Yes. Although you said one and a half, and I said, I named three deer. You did, but I don't count your work friends as actual friends. You count two work friends as one friend. I don't. As a half a friend. I wouldn't even, to say they're even a half, I would say they're 0.1s. Wow. Wow.

Now, you were going to say, I wouldn't dirty my mouth with saying. Am I reading? I was not going to say that. You were not going to say that. No, I was not. Would you? I was not going to dirty my mouth with saying that you have several friends. Anyway, but we are dear friends. What were you about to say about that? And so you're kind enough to have me on your show an extra time. It was a real favor. For both of us.

It truly was. Like, you did me a favor by agreeing to do a show, and then I did you explain what we're doing here today. Folks, we're here today because... We are gathered here today. Do you love it? Yes, please. Do it like Prince. We are here today because I have something to promote.

Now, normally the first people that I talk to on the show are people who come here with projects. Yeah, but famous people. Sure. Last week we had... Doing things that people want to see. Yeah, we had Ione Skye, who is a famous movie actress. She's here promoting a book. So she kind of counts as author. As I've talked about in the past, the hierarchy of good podcast guests. Absolutely. Movie star. Number one with a bullet. We love them.

TV star. We'll take them. Sure. We watch. Yeah. We like TV. We like TV. Don't we folks? Thirdly, comedian. Comedian. Yeah. I'll take comedian because they're out there touring. And they're doing something entertaining. Yeah. Tony award winners. We've had them. Oh, sure. We've had them. We'll take them. Yeah. Under that, we have authors. We're getting dicey here. Yeah. And then. Way down at the bottom.

Podcaster. Yeah. And you fit in. You're a comedian. Yes. So you're up there. You're not as bad as author. Right. But you're not as good as a movie star. You should star in movies. I'm not as good as a TV star. No, yeah, you should at least be in one movie that is just you're above the title.

Above the title? Yeah. God damn. I think everyone deserves that. Everyone in the world should have one movie that they started. I think that's nice. I think, sure, everyone deserves that. But I feel like you're... Some, it can be an independent film. Some, it can be like a major Hollywood blockbuster. But every single person in the world deserves one movie about them. You're laying something out that I think is going to be difficult for me to achieve in the amount of time that I've left on Earth. I think you can do it.

How long do movies only take three months to film? Can I tell you, I, for this, for this venture that I'm here to promote, uh, I talked to the venture brothers.

Which I've done voices for the Venture Brothers. Yes, you have. Yes. Blue Morpho, most famously. Blue Morpho. Yeah. As someone who doesn't know what the Venture Brothers even is, I find that fascinating. Now, you think it's sort of like the Girl Scouts and they sell cookies. Yes, of course. Did you bring some cookies today? I always bring cookies. Of course. Listen to Threedom for some more information about that. Of course.

But yes. I'd trip out on that. Do you remember Tyco? No, I don't. They made the slot cars. Oh, yeah. Of course. How could I forget Tyco? They would end their commercials with Tyco. Of course. Of course we exist. That's sort of like a tagline you'd have for an actual car company. That was like, we're releasing our latest model. Of course. Of course.

And are they still around, Tycho? I'm going to look this up while you further elaborate on exactly what you're here for. Slot cars, the biggest promise to the smallest payoff. Hey, I'm on there.

Wikipedia page, and I would say the third word tells you exactly what you need to know about Tyco. Tyco Toys was an American toy manufacturer. It was acquired by Mattel in 1997, becoming one of its brands. They did such a great job with it. It no longer exists. Thanks, Mattel. Nice work, Mattel.

In any case, yes. Um, I, just so everyone knows, I'm the person who immediately gets on Wikipedia when a celebrity dies to change it. You're the person. Oh, okay. Yes. I once, I don't think I was watching the race, but some famous race car driver died and I was watching a live television event and, and it had happened within 30 seconds. And I went on the Wikipedia page and it had already been changed. Who are, that was you. That was me.

Why do you do this? Because it's people. It needs to be updated. It's honoring the person who's died. That's true. That is a good point. I mean, it needs to be accurate. When you die and God, I pray it soon. What? Oh, I meant the opposite. So Satan, what's the opposite of I? Satan, you. What's the opposite of pray? Despair. Satan, you despair. It isn't.

It's a lie. Satan, you despair, it's a lie. A lie is the opposite of soon? Oh. I don't know how truth got in there somewhere. Satan, I despair, it isn't far away. That still means exactly what you said. You're just talking to a different person. Satan, I despair, it is far away. But is is not the opposite of is. That's a good point. Yeah.

Unless you're talking to Bill Clinton, am I right? But if you were to die, you wouldn't want people to go around thinking that you're still alive, would you? I want some kind of cushion for the pushing. Sure. You know what I mean? Wait, is that another one of his quotes? It kind of sounds like that would be something that he coined. More cushion for the pushing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Why is Bill always talking about this stuff? Ask grass or gas. No one rides for free.

There's a lot of things that make sense that he would say. But I kind of want some, I want a day cushion where everyone kind of, I think the sadness that would overtake America if they all found out at the same time, much like how we found out Tom Hanks had COVID. Oh, so you want your death to be a sort of Juneteenth situation. I don't know what you mean by that, but I'm not sure. We celebrate when the last person finds out that you have died. Yes, thank you.

I need something to soften the blow for everyone who's going to be sad. Why don't you try softening the word soften? Because I pronounced the T. Soften. Which you believe should be silent. Yes. Oh, maybe it should be silent on silent. Oh, I don't mind that.

Silent. Silence. Silence. Silence. I demand you be silent. Silent Raider. I demand you be silent. Activate. Oh my God, silence. Should all T's be silent? Yeah. Yeah. So it would be Battlestar Galactica. Battlestar Galactica. Battlestar Galactica.

Why are you here? By your command. I am here because I have a tour that's coming up very soon. Whoa. So you're going to another country and you're taking a tour of like... The Grand Tour of Europe, the continent.

No. You are a live performer. Yes, I'm alive. We went out together to do the Comedy Bang Bang Tour last year. So true, Bestie. And we had a great time. Now, you're back at it this year. Yes. But with a different show, so you're cheating on me. Now, that's not true. We have an open relationship as far as shows are concerned. And Varietopia is your hall pass. That's correct. That's correct.

I do a show called Varietopia here in Los Angeles. I do it every other month at Lodge Room, California. And describe this show because I can't even conceive of what would happen. Scott, quite simply, it's a variety show.

What does that mean? That means many things happen in the show. Many, but when you go see any show, many things happen. You don't go see a show and then like, like you go see a play like Hamilton. Hamilton comes out and does one rap and then just sits there staring at you. Well, no, no, no. But here's the thing that happens. The one thing that happens. Oh, it's not a bad idea for a show.

The Hamilton comes out, does one rap and stares at you? And that's the title. Yes. Manuel, if you're listening, and I'm sure you are, this is an idea for a follow-up. Hamilton does one rap and stares at you. You must have one rap you cut out of the show. You don't even have to write anything new. Now, hold on. Is it Hamilton post-death?

Oh, so he's an angel or devil. Or is it a prequel? Do you become a devil if you go to hell? Yeah. Of course. Then you're like on top of the hierarchy. Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing. When you go to heaven, you don't become an angel, but you do look like an angel.

She looked like an angel. We depict people in heaven. And let's face it, this is in cartoons. Yeah, sure. With halos and wearing gowns and harps and sometimes wings. But then when people go to hell, they're just like being tormented and they're just humans. But you probably get horns.

I hope so. Because it would hurt for them to grow through your flesh. Plus, you could like poke Satan in the butt when he tries to stab you with his pitchfork or something. I think that's a bad idea. I think if you're in hell and you're trying to fight back, it's not going to end well. You're just going to sit there and take it, you pussy?

I think it behooves you to get used to it. Behooves because demons have hooves. That's right. Wonderful, Paul. Wonderful work. And this is why you're one of America's great entertainers. Thank you. And you're out there on the road coming out soon. So let me describe the show. Okay, please. I do some stand-up. Stand-up. There's more. There are musical guests. Yeah.

Now we have probably talked about this before, but isn't it great that Don Pardo, who always sounded like a ghost, now has become one. Yes, finally he's crossed over into the realm he was always meant to be. I have unfinished business. A bit of boiled potato. Get out of this house.

I guess Scrooge said the thing about the underdone potato. But he said it to a ghost. Yeah, so I mean, I can only imagine Jacob Marley came back to heaven and went, this guy thought I was a bit of underdone potato, and so it counts. What if Jacob Marley goes back and he goes, this guy tried to, he tried to fucking roast me by calling me food? LAUGHTER

I think he was legitimately scared. I think he was scared. Scrooge or? No, that's Jacob Marley saying. I think I got him, though. I think I got him. Okay. Yeah, I didn't sense you were still in character. That's how good you are. Thank you. And that's what's going to happen on this big tour. It's a variety show, so there's comedy, there's music, there's other forms of entertainment. Well, like sports or entertainment sometimes. Yeah. In the past, we've done the show where we've had a football game. In the middle. Yeah.

Full regulation time, regulation field. And now I'm proud to introduce our next act, a football game. And you're only performing at arenas, right? Well, we have to. Yeah. If we do a football game. Sure. Otherwise, it's in tiny. I will say no football game on this tour.

But I don't like to announce who the guests are because I like it to be a surprise. But it's usually the biggest, most famous people in the world. Sure. Usually. Not always, though. Try not to...

To do that. To get the expectations way too high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or say things where I have to say, that cool thing that you just said is actually not what's going to happen. Oh, okay. Yeah. I feel like that's working counter to what I'm trying to do. You see that Smart List documentary where they decided to just take normal dentists as some of the guests? Dentists! And the first time they did that, people were pissed? Yeah. I heard about that. Yeah.

In any case, that's not what's happening here. You have wonderful comedians, wonderful musicians. Yes. And maybe I'll do a character. Maybe there'll be a sketch. Okay. I also sing in the show. We have a fantastic band. What's this song in the show that you're talking about? What do you mean? You also sing in the show? Yeah. In the show, that's where you know that you've got a friend in me. So this is a song you've written for- Yeah. For Varieturpia. Yeah. Yeah.

In the show, you've got to know that everyone slaps their knee. Because we've got laughs and music and everything else. Yo, my name is Hamilton, and I'm here to sing. Yo, my name is Hamilton. I'm going to stare at you in an unconventional way. Rap ends. And then just a piercing stare. Intermission? Yeah, I think so. But he's still staring during intermission. Here's what I'm worried about. Yeah.

that we know each other so well that you're not treating me seriously as somebody who's trying to promote a show. I would say that I'm treating you as seriously as any guest on this show. I want you to treat me like someone you don't know that well. Mm.

That I'm nervous they're going to flip out and get upset? Exactly. It's happened. Exactly. Treat me like someone you think doesn't have a sense of humor and you're trying to gently bring me in to the vibe of the show. Let me try to reconnect my brain wires into doing that. Yeah, reconnect your brain wires. Sure. All right, so. Reconnect your brain wires. See, now here's the problem. Then you go into this kind of thing. Well, because you're making me feel comfortable. Oh, good. Okay.

Anyway, that was a parody of Nick Lachey, I wanted to say. No, it's Neil Diamond. Of course, I'm Neil Diamond. Love his brain on the mind. Love his brain on the mind. What is it? Love his blinds. Wow. It's early. And of course, I'm Nick Lachey, he says. He didn't say it this year. This is what I wanted to ask you about.

What are you talking about? This is what I wanted to ask you about. I was watching Love is Blind the other day. Yeah. The new season, I believe, is completely out at this point. So if I'm spoiling this particular aspect of it, I apologize, but it's your own fault for not watching it. But in previous seasons, he's come out with his wife, Vanessa Lachey. And Vanessa Lachey, the power imbalance. It was like the DC Universe. Yeah.

But she would come out and introduce herself and say, my name is Vanessa Lachey. And then he would say, and of course, I'm Nick Lachey. Because he was the bigger star. Right. Now they are both huge because of Love is Blind. She comes out and says, I'm Vanessa Lachey. And he just sits there and goes, and I'm Nick Lachey. Because they're equally as famous now. Can I put a more positive spin on, and of course, I'm Nick Lachey? Okay. That he's, I think he's, it's possible. Mm-hmm.

That he's putting himself in the co-pilot position and saying, like, I mean, if she's Vanessa Lachey, of course you got Nick Lachey here. Every Vanessa has their Nick. Yeah. I see...

It doesn't really work. I think it's possible, but not probable. I'll take it. In any case, tell me about this incredible show that you have going out there. It's Varietopia. It is a touring version of Varietopia. That's right. Which is a variety show. You come out, you do stand-up. There are sketches. Yeah, I do a monologue. There's sketches. There's a musical act who is always somebody really fun and neat and

um doing their own set and then do you have this same musical act on this entire tour or are you exchanging the tour will be the same okay great will it be the same lineup for every stop and let me i just want to tell you the places i'm going oh the places wow that i will go okay so the this is going to be exciting this is i don't know that we've ever done this on comedy bang bang listed cities

But here's the thing. We have the opportunity to provide some commentary on those cities. That's true. Say the great things about these places. Some of these things I've never been to before. Wow. We did this on the Comedy Bang Bang tour last year. We went to cities, I guess you would call them. Yeah, I would. For the layperson.

Yeah. That we had never been to before, and it was a thrill. It was a thrill. Yeah. To bring show to a people for the first time. And there were a lot of people who said, thank you for coming to our particular town. I never thought you would come through here. That's true. And that was wonderful to hear. Penthouse Forum style. I never thought. And then they would tell us about their sexual encounters with random strangers. Yeah. Usually at work. Yeah.

With their hot boss. And they all ended with... And this ended with someone calling HR. Yeah. And we all lost our jobs. That's right. We all lost our jobs. And the business went under. Like Tycho Toys. We're starting. April 23rd, we're going to be in...

In Iowa City, Iowa. Never been there before. Iowa City. I don't believe I've ever even been to Iowa City, let alone have done a show, let alone opened a tour there. But Iowa, of course, very dear to us because of the Music Man. That's right, yes. There's nothing halfway about that way of thinking. Of course not. So Iowa City, you're out there in April. Yeah. Wow. What a time to be in Iowa City. Can you imagine? Yeah.

It's just like in the songs. April showers may be occurring, which of course bring May flowers. That's right. So then I'll tell you when I'm in May, with the cities in May. Of course you're going to talk about that.

St. Paul, Minnesota. Love it. Of course. I mean, your name is right there in the city. I don't like to say this, but obviously that's why I like the city. And of course, that's a wonderful theater. I know where you're playing. Oh, yes, you do, baby. We played there last year. That's right. And great theater. And what a time. Now, you and I at the Fitzgerald Theater. Mm-hmm.

You and I have both performed there separately and together. Yes, that's right. And they do a thing where the back wall of the theater, of the stage, is a brick wall. And you get to sign the bricks. That's right. Now, you and I separately signed bricks there. And I believe you wrote Macbeth. I think I wrote Six. Six Emperor Tyrannus. And I wrote Macbeth. Yes, that's right. So two things you're not supposed to say in the theater.

I mean, you can say Sixth Separatist in the theater. You really shouldn't. You really shouldn't. That one guy ruined it for everybody. Everyone wanted to say it so much. You can, to be fair, you can say Death to Tyrants. Yeah, I would say it in English. Yeah. If you're going to say Sixth Separatist, translate. Yeah. Sure. Or maybe put

another language just for fun. That's right. What would it be in Italian? You're learning Italian. Oh. What is death to tyrants? Haven't yet gotten to death to tyrants. To tyrants. To tyrants.

I'm sure that's coming up soon. It's got to be pretty close to the Latin, I would imagine. All right. So after St. Paul. Madison, Wisconsin. Madison. Wow. Wonderful town. Wonderful town. We had a great show there last year. Yeah, it's been a while. I really love Madison and I'm excited to be bringing that there. Then Chicago, Illinois. The city with the big shoulders. It doesn't sleep either, right? Nope. Is that the city?

That's New York City. It does go to sleep. So every other city by default goes to sleep? Yeah. New York is a city that never sleeps. If I were Chicago, I would be like, we don't go to sleep either. And then I would stay up and make sure it happens. Then you have to prove it. Exactly. That's why more cities don't do that. I don't want to stay up all night.

royal oak michigan royal oh we've been there very close to detroit yes but it's not detroit it's not detroit i think uh the first time i ever went there i just assumed we were in detroit and i said detroit and i got booed yeah people have real royal oak pride they too and it's a wonderful theater there yeah and they have a king uh that's a tree sure that's the royal oak yep

And they all bow down to it. They do. He can't talk or move. But they take their orders from him. They do. Like, what's that? What's that tree? Okay. We will boil them in oil. That's the one thing. If you go to the show, you may be boiled in oil. Because a tree said so. At Royal Oak. Yes. That's the only place this morning applies. The only one, yes.

Have you ever heard of Lakewood, Ohio? No. Well, you just did now. Holy shit. And that's where I'm going. Is that by Cleveland or what? Yes. Okay. Wow. It is. Fantastic. By Cleveland. But I'm sure it's by whatever lake is over there too. Wood Lake. Yeah. Wood Lake. Where the lake is made of wood. It's just you're walking on planks. It's a roller rink.

Let's be clear. That lake is a roller rink. More, you know, like in the lakes in the states that don't get cold enough to freeze over with ice, they should just cover it with wood planks. The lakes in states that don't get covered in ice should be covered with some wood planks.

But everyone wants to skate around on a lake. Simply everyone does. So why not? Yes. You think this is where it's like ironic because you think, oh, ice skates. No. No. Roller skates. Roller skates. Yeah. You didn't see that coming, did you? Shouldn't they be wood skates? Like we call ice skates ice skates because you're skating on ice, but we don't call roller skates. They should be like cement skates or wood skates. Well, see, now you see.

Ice skates you only use on ice. Why? Roller skates you can use on multiple terrains. You could use ice skates on any frozen substance, I would imagine. Interesting. Like... Pudding pops? I mean... Could you skate on a lake of pudding pops? Frozen pudding pops.

Or like a creme brulee, maybe. Oh, I know that's hard. That's hard and sugar. That's too fragile. I would do it, though. If you could bust through with a spoon. Once you get a person on skates up there, even the biggest creme brulee in the world, you're going to go right through. All right. Where are you going to next?

I'm glad you asked because for the first time, Varietopia going to another country. What? Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Wow. Now, I love my Canadia. Of course. And I can't wait to be back. I can't wait to bring this show there for the very first time. I was talking to someone who just did a touring show up there. No, up in Canada in a different city. And they said that everyone was very mad at them. And all the suggestions that were thrown out were all like,

Tariffs. D-E-I. Yeah. Well, guess what? I'm doing a show that does not involve suggestions. So if you don't bring any. Yes. Please don't yell out tariffs.

In any case, please don't consider me an ambassador from the United States of America. This person was saying, I was like, I'm just a dummy. Like, why are you shouting? I'm just going there to bring you some entertainment. I can't bring any of this anger back with me and affect any kind of change. I did not vote for that man. So please keep that in mind. Sorry to this man.

I'm not sorry to this man. To the small. To the small. All right, so we're four cities in. I would assume that's where it ends. No. Because guess what? Wake up. It's time to go to the city that never sleeps. Whoa, New York. New York City. Wow. And I'm going to be at Irving Plaza. This is my first time doing the show in Manhattan. Oh, incredible. And are you doing it in the middle of the night because the city never goes to sleep? Of course. It's going to be a 4 a.m. show.

Well, that's a little too close to morning. I would consider, what do you think, 2 or 3 a.m., the middle of the night? It's hard because when you're talking about it, I'm assuming this is about a two-hour program or so. 90 minutes. 90 minutes or so. You're edging into the morning, which is what I was doing last night, as a matter of fact. What do you think, 1 a.m., middle of the night?

I mean, midnight. I know. Is that really the middle of the night? 1 a.m. is really too close to midnight. Yeah. I think middle... 2 a.m. even is like... A lot of people are up at 2 a.m. 3. I think you're right. 3. That feels like the middle of the night. Feels like the middle of the night. If the phone rang... You would assume the worst. You would absolutely say it's the middle of the night. Yes. Why are you calling me in the middle of the night? And then they say, well, because someone's in the hospital. Then you say, well, okay, now I'm sorry. Yeah.

I assumed you had no good reason to call me at 3:00 AM and you were being a jerk, but it turns out I'm the jerk cuz I'm sleepy. Mm-hmm Boston, Massachusetts. Wow.

You know it. This list is getting exciting. Phil and WPA! Oh, this is your hometown. That's right. Hometown show. And I'm playing the Theater of the Living Arts, which is very meaningful to me on South Street. Did you go to there a lot? I used to go. First, it was an art house movie theater. First, it was an art house movie theater. I was petrified. Then,

Then it became a performance venue. And then I saw a bunch of shows there as an audience member. It was a thrill to play the Trocadero when we played Philly one of the first few times. That's right. Because I would hear shows from the Trocadero live. Absolutely. It's always a thrill when you get to play one of these theaters. Like I played the Wiltern. No, not with Comedy Bang Bang. We couldn't fill that.

But I did it with Mr. Show and that was fun. That's right. And yeah, it's always great. I played the TLA one time before when I was a young stand-up comedian and I opened for Leon Redbone and I bombed. So we'll see if the same thing happens. Does Leon Redbone return to play with you? If he shows up and says I'm going on after your show, I'll be so mad. Do you think the Eagles will come to this?

The football team? Yeah. Of course they will. Okay. Now, we should make clear, if you're one of the Eagles listening, there's no football game in the middle of this show. No, not this time. From what I understand... Would you make an exception for that? I invited them, and from what I understand, the response from the team was a massive yes. Washington, D.C. Wow. Durham, North Carolina. Love it. Atlanta, G.A. Great cities. Portland, Oregon. Seattle, Washington. Vancouver, Canada. Love it. I mean...

I'm going a lot of places. This is almost too many places to even fathom. And guess what, Scott? What's that? More are going to be announced. More are going to be announced. This is an incredible tour, certainly a jaunt that you're going to be embarking upon. And your only goal and mission from what you've been telling me is to entertain not only America, but everyone abroad. Yes. My goal and mission are the same thing. Mm-hmm.

And it is what you said, to entertain everyone in America, regardless of whether I'm coming to your city. And the entire world. Now, do you think you'll hit this goal? Via two cities in Canada. Do you think you'll achieve this? Well, the whole world is my stretch goal. So first, if I do entertain everyone in America, then I'm going to head for entertaining the entire world. Wow. By going to two cities in Canada. I believe...

Two things. One, you're going to be starring in a movie above the title before you die. And two, you're going to get there. You're going to hit every single person in the world. Every single person? I believe in you. I have faith in you. Even Vladimir Putin? I think you'll get to him eventually. Do you think he'll like it? I think he would like it. I think he, honestly, he probably has so many people coming in and kissing his ass all day. Which world leader do you think would like my show the most? The most? Yes.

I think Macron would certainly find it amusing. Theresa May, is that someone? I don't know. Wow. Wow. Who was that one guy with the messy hair? Boris whatever? Boris Johnson. Yeah. Johnson. Now it's Keir Starmer. Keir Starmer. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great name. It is a good name.

It hasn't penetrated over to me yet. You know what I mean? He needs better branding. It's got to penetrate over. You know what I mean? Like Boris Johnson, it was a combo of his name being Boris, his hair being messy. Yeah. And him having like little short ties. Yeah.

Did he have a little short time? I think so. Everything kind of- Did he look like the opposite Trump? He looked sort of like a little Chris Farley character. All of that- Absolutely. The combination of it all finally penetrated my consciousness where I was like, I know who that is. Do you think Boris, he was named after Boris the Spider? I hope so. From Who? One of the best Who songs, wouldn't you agree? It's my favorite. Boris the Spider. I love it. Isn't it funny? Bands of a certain era where they were like-

Let's just put this on a record. I know what we do is really popular, but let's do something we don't do. Also, I really had hoped at some point the CSI franchise would expand so much that they would have to eventually use Boris the Spider as one of their theme songs. You're saying another installment of the franchise would have claimed Ivor the Engine Driver? Yes, and Mama's Got a Squeeze Box. And then finally it gets to, well, all we have is Boris the Spider left.

So this is- We've used fiddling about. Oh, Jesus. This is an incredible tour. Thank you. My only question now is, I'm lost as to how to find any information or buy tickets for this. Oh my God, Scott. It couldn't be simpler. Okay. You go to paulftompkins.com slash live. Whoa. I bet you could even go to paulftompkins.com and there would be a sidebar that said live and you could click on that. Yeah, but that's for lawyers. Yeah.

The sidebar? Sidebar. I only advise lawyers to go to the main page of the site. There's one little thing on the side that says, may I approach the bench? Yes. There's another that says sidebar. Yeah. In any case, paulftompkins.com slash live. You get all of the information regarding times that it starts. Does it start at the same time every night or...

Different times. I bet different times. I bet different times. Yeah. But all around the same time. Around eight-ish, I would imagine. And this is a good time at the theater. This is something that you can bring your loved ones to. I can only imagine you could bring your family to. If they're not your loved ones. Sure. I can only imagine you can bring your extended family to. Yeah. If you have step-siblings. Yeah.

Go through your family tree. If you have play cousins. Whoever's still alive, hit them up. Absolutely. To meet you at the theater for Varietopia. Guess what? You can bring not only your loved ones, bring your most hated enemies. Sure. And maybe you'll find some common ground. That's right. But in any case, it's good to have them in your sight lines at all times. Yes. Because you don't want to be murdered by them. So it's always good to- I don't want that. Yeah. And I don't want to catch any strays. How many murders will be at this show, do you think?

Like in the audience during a show. I hate to make promises. I'm going to say I suspect there will be zero murders. Okay. I would think that would be a nice round number that you would want to hit. But again, if there is a murder in the show, I'm not saying this is going to be a murder-free show. That's not a guarantee. I can't promise that. No. But I'm going to ask people, please don't murder people at my show. Okay. Make sure there's a sign going into the theater. Yeah. Like those signs some theaters have that say, don't bring your gun in here.

Don't bring your gun to town, boy. But look, I want to tell people. Yes. This show is my favorite thing to do. It's really such a complete expression of all my favorite things. Completely curated by you. Yes. It is from my soul. And if you like me, you will like this show. Yes. And I'm excited. I'm going to say, if you're iffy on me, you'll like this show. Yeah.

If people don't like you, I still think they might like the show. I think they'll come around on you. There's parts of it that aren't me? Well, wonderful. Varietopia coming to a city near you. More cities to be announced. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have someone who is working in the illustrative field. Oh, shit. That's very exciting, isn't it, Paul? Oh, yeah. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Paul F. Tompkins, more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Paul F. Tompkins is here. Varietopia, a.k.a. Varietopia, is out there going to be barnstorming across this country and one other country very soon in about a month's time. Yes. How are you preparing to be gone for this amount of time? I'm packing clothes. Oh, okay. Yes. You didn't last tour. This is something I learned the hard way. Mm-hmm.

You're going to need clothes. Like when you're at home, you have all your clothes there. I remember one time you showed up to the airport with loose clothes in your arms that you were just like carrying. No, I did have them in my arms. I had a bunch of clothes in my arms. And then it was my wonderful wife who said, what if you put them in a suitcase? That's what suitcases, some would say, are for. Yes, a case for suits. Yes, that's right. And look, I'm a suit guy.

I need one of those. It's interesting we don't call them clothes cases, but they were for suits back in the day exclusively. Exclusively. You couldn't put shoes in them. Nope. Nor toiletries. Do you put toiletries in your suitcase? Yeah, just loose. I don't like those containers. Yeah.

You know why? Because the TSA says you're supposed to have that. TSA say. TSA say. Put toiletries in container. Yeah. In a little clear pouch. When we were going all over America, it's interesting how every airport has a different take on what you can do and what you can't do. Oh, yeah. Almost like it's intentionally confusing. It's great that it's not standardized. Yeah.

And then we would get to England and surprise, here's a bunch of stuff you can't do that only we say you can't do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I really like is that metal detectors are calibrated differently everywhere you go. And so sometimes a belt you wear will be fine nine times out of ten. And the tenth time you have to take it off. Sometimes shoes. Oh, I didn't know these shoes had metal in them at all.

The one thing that seemed standardized was the Comedy Bang Bang stickers that I was carrying in one suitcase would get me taken to the side every single time because they couldn't figure out what they were. Yes, when they see a shape that they can't recognize, they're like, this is probably a bomb. Yeah.

All right, we need to get to our next guest, Paul. He is a comic book inker. Exciting. You have read a few comic books in your life. In my day, yes, I have. I worked at a comic book store, dear. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's called Comics and More on South Street. I don't think that's come up on Threedom. You know, I was fired for being late twice.

That's about the number of times I would fire someone. And the assistant manager said, no, it was the manager who said, look, if I don't fire you, the assistant manager will report that I didn't fire you and then he'll have my job. Okay. You got to respect that. Got to respect that. Also a great place to work. Oh, I can only imagine. So you have a little experience in the field. Oh yeah, I know who Omaha the cat dancer is. Yeah.

I, of course, am currently writing Astonishing Spider-Man for Marvel. So I think we're going to be good interviewers. And, of course, I'm writing Everyday Spider-Man. That's right. Yeah. The everyday boring adventures. He's a different guy. Not Peter Parker. Nope. Yeah. And nothing really happens to him. No. He wears a sweater that has a spider on it. Like a real spider, not embroidered. Yeah. He doesn't know. That's the most exciting thing about the comic. Yeah.

All right, let's talk to him and welcome him to the show. Please welcome Guy Foreman. Scott, thank you so much for having me. My pleasure. Guy, can I call you Guy? It feels weird to call another man Guy. Like, I'm saying, like, hey, Guy. Right, you're just, you're, but it is my name. That is your name. Yeah, yeah, it'd be like if my first name was Dude or something. Yeah. Do that. Do that. Do you ever pronounce it Guy? Gosh, no, I should. If I go to France, I should, right? Yeah, why not? Yeah, maybe I'll start. I mean, they're going to do that. I might as well get ready.

Now, in case I ever do go to France. Do you think your work will take you to France or would you go there on vacation? I bet you it would be work related. I can't imagine going to France for fun. Why? I went for fun once. It was fun. Oh, really? That worked out? Yeah, it all worked out. Fun equals fun. Hey, man, explain to me what a comic book inker does. Yeah, a lot of people who don't know what comic books, how they're put together, are

They don't know what, what are you even talking about when you talk about inking? Before I answer that, can I just say what a pleasure it is to talk to two people with experience in the field.

Oh, well, thank you very much. I'm experiencing pleasure. Honestly, I... Oh, that's nice. I don't know if you can tell from my voice. I'm filled with joy. You're a person, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a robot. No, I'm a full person. Okay. Full all the way. I try to have a little bit of experience in every single... With every single guest. In the field of every single guest. You can't do that. For instance, Ione Skye was here last week, and she is both a movie star and an author, and I've done both of those. You've been a movie star. Austin Powers Goldmember, of course. Oh, yeah.

And so I try to have a little... Turn around. Of course. Does this look familiar? Oh, yes. There he is. Oh, no. Yes, that makes sense. So in any case, I am so relieved that we're talking about comic books because both Paul and I have a little experience. But tell everyone... I can finally relax. Yes. Tell everyone what you mean when you say ink or what you mean.

And so comic books. Now that we've gotten the thanking us for having. Now that I got that out of the way. Yeah. Now I stopped everything. Now explain yourself. I stopped the momentum so that I can say thank you. I did it. You're doing it again. Okay. Sorry. And now we are further stopping it. And I don't mean by talking about it. I don't want to stop. Zero minutes since a momentum stopped incident. That's right. So let's get right to it. I don't mean to delay that anymore. Of course. You're asking me what an anchor does. Let us Terry no further.

And let us discuss the very topic at hand, which is what does an English because right to the heart of the matter. I would like to know. And I think other people would like to know. I think that's right. And I would love to say it. In fact, on my way over here, I was thinking I better be ready to explain it. It's going to be pleasurable for everyone involved, both the listener and the listener.

And for us in conversation to hear exactly what you're talking about. Can I push back on that a little bit? Because I am experiencing pleasure already. I do think it is going to be pleasurable, but that's not to imply I'm not experiencing pleasure right now. Let me just say the pleasure shall continue then. Yes, exactly. That's that I would sign off on a tune suite. How was that a pushback?

Well, I just didn't want to. It was a pushback. It was more of a clarification. Clarification. Less of a pushback. And a preemptive arguing. Yes. Well, you were preemptively trying to manage expectations. Yes. If somebody thought if I agreed to the fact that it would be pleasurable, I could imagine some people being like, oh, you're not having a crappy time. Yeah, that's not me. That's not my style. That's not your style. The premise was it will be pleasurable for people who do not yet know.

That's true. Well, actually, it's not a pushback. You're right. It's not a pushback. Let me push back. My premise was that it will be pleasurable for every listener as well as the three of us discussing it. Okay. I think that's right. Oh, and that's why you say you're already experiencing pleasure. Correct. But I do think it was a... I want to accept your pushback that when I said I was pushing back, it wasn't a pushback and it was a clarification. Okay. I believe we... Great. We're all set. We're at a quorum. I can see in your face that you're ready to move on. What is an anchor? Okay.

So an inker. Easy. You're holding a pen right now. Are you doing it right now? I'm ready to ink at any time. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, I'm ready to ink. I feel like whenever you have an occupation, you should walk around with your implement. Sure. Like as if you're an action figure of yourself. So if you're an angioplasty specialist, you should have a stent at the ready. Yeah, that's right. If you are an angioplasty specialist, not a generalist.

Not someone who can do it on the side. Sure. Just carrying a stint. An inker is somebody. So in the comic book biz, you have to, there's a lot of drawings, as you know. Yes, what normally happens is... Why don't you just say it? You know what? I've noticed that. Right? Early.

A lot of drawings. Almost too many. Yeah. It's wild, though. It's wild how many. Because I'll turn the page and I'm like, more drawings? Yeah, you're ready for the story to keep going. Yeah. And it's almost all drawings. Any minute now, it's just going to be straight prose. I would say almost every page of a comic book has at least one drawing. And I'm going to go as far as to say, do we need all of them? We definitely don't. It's sort of like all of our governmental workers. Let's just...

fire half of them. I'm glad you said it. You know what I mean? Let's take out half of these drawings and we'll still get it. Well, Alan Moore solved that problem by ending his comics with 16 pages of unbroken prose. Right? People like the real reference. Okay, so... Inking. Who didn't love that pirate ship part of Watchmen? Everybody. Oh. Favorite. I skipped the regular story. Just read the pirate ship part. The thrilling pirate. Oh my gosh. In any case... An inker. So there's all these drawings. The writer writes the comic...

Then the penciler interprets these into pictures, these writings into pictures. Breaks it down into a storyboard, if I can put it in movie terms. Sure. And then what the inker does is takes these

sometimes fully fleshed out pencils, sometimes quite rough, and then solidifies them, finishes them in the blackest of ink in order to, back in the day, it was in order to show up on the printing process. Wait, so you trace? I trace, yes. That's often a pejorative way to describe my profession is to say it's a tracer.

I mean, that's what it sounds like. Well, okay, if the penciler is diligent and they're very finished, I am essentially tracing. Were you going to say fentanyl?

Yeah, I was going to say if. Now, is that a problem in your industry? Yes, it's unfortunately a problem in almost every industry. Now, you know what makes people drop dead? That's why they like it. It's scary. It's a legit problem and it's bad. Yeah. It's strange that it's such a, it's a drug that's used so much that there's an epidemic, but also if a policeman touches it, he'll die immediately. Yeah.

It is weird. Yeah. That's weird that that happens. Like enough people use it that it's constantly coming through our porous borders. Porous borders. And it's all over the place. And yet if a police officer even brushes against it. Yeah. They die. If they enter a room with a trace of fentanyl in it, they will die. They'll explode. But children are using it all the time recreationally. And 19 times out of 20, they're having a blast. Actually, I don't know. It seems like they're having a ball.

Nothing negative associated with that, except for the deaths. And where was I? Inking. So if the penciler is either hurried or lazy, you'll get unfinished drawings. And it is your job as the inker to finish it up. And actually fill in blanks to add backgrounds, to connect lines, add details, make a lot of artistic decisions. Why did we mention Diligent?

If they have completed their pencils thoroughly. Oh, then you're just a tracer. Then I'm just tracer. But if these people that were hired for this job for some reason are lazy or rushing the job. Or overloaded. A lot of times, yes. But you said lazy. Like Herbie? Like Herbie. Herbie was once overloaded.

I think he was fully loaded. First he was fully loaded, and then they made a sequel. They added one suitcase on top. Herbie was like, I can't do this. I thought you meant Herbie Hancock, and I was like, was he a multitasker? Which is an older reference. Leads nicely into Actual F, by the way.

That's right. Yeah. Good mashing. And that was an, didn't the Art of Noise have some kind of instrumental out too? Close to the end perhaps. Oh, with Peter Gunn. Peter Gunn. Oh, Peter Gunn. Peter Gunn. They were all out within like six months of each other. That's right. An inker will sometimes have to do a lot of drawing if the pencil is in a hurry. A lot of times a pencil- Or lazy, as you said. Or lazy. So if a pencil is lazy and they're trying to scam a lot of work-

So not just lazy, but dishonest as well. Dishonest, manipulative, a con artist. Yes. How did this person get this job? Well, they'll do good for one issue. Oh. And they'll be like, hey, do a second one. And then they just start to fart on it. Or they find out that the inker is good. So why are you an inker and not a penciler? Yes. That's a great question. And I. I agree. I just can't think of any ideas.

I need someone to get me started. So you read, how does it happen? You read the script. If I were to get a script and they'd be like, well, you know, and I've never worked for Marvel or DC. I've only done indie. Now in the script, it'll say something like. Indiana Jones?

Yeah, I've worked mostly just for Indiana Jones. You worked for Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones is a comic book. And the movie portrayal of him is that he is an archaeologist and a professor. But the real Indiana Jones is a comic book writer. Let me guess. When he gets your inks, he looks at them and says, these belong in a museum. Yeah. And I'm like, thank you. Because for him, that's a compliment. For him, that's a compliment. That's the highest praise. For anyone else, it's a true slam. There's no other way to say it. It's real true. It's super true. So then...

Guy or Guy, if you're in France, why are you not a penciler? You can't come up with any ideas. The script might say Captain America, I don't even, punches Kang.

Okay. I'm imagining it right now. Are you? Because my mind's up like, I don't know what to do. When you read Captain America, do you have a picture in your mind of what Captain America looks like? I mean, I know what he looks like, but if I try to summon what he might look like punching, I can't envision it. So when you hear Captain America, you picture him just standing there? I picture... Or like Alexander Hamilton, just sitting there staring at the audience. After he's done his rap. That's true.

I picture a stick figure holding a sign that says, I'm Captain America. Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't even... That's somehow more elaborate than picturing Captain America just standing there. Well, I don't know what to tell you. That's what comes to mind. So does he have the mask on or the stick figure? He's just got... It's a featureless stick figure. Not even the two dots for eyes? Not even two dots. Wow. Just a circle with a two-line neck. Okay. And he's got a sign that... Circle with a two-line neck. Two-line neck. Yeah. Like...

Like that. I'll draw it for you. Like that. Oh, wow. Two-line neck. So not even the whole figure of the stick figure. I'll just do it for you right now. I'm just drawing for these folks. I know that's not great for I, Captain M. I, Captain M. That's all I can picture. I, Captain M. But if somebody were to give me... And he's holding the sign with both arms. Yeah.

Or that's a two-line arm. No, no, it's a one-line arm. That's a one-line arm? Yeah. Because I see two lines. But see, you can do the legs, and then you also can do the penis. Why? Okay. And the penis, by the way, is the most realistic thing there. It's really the most... Yeah. The most detailed. I know. I mean, you've drawn the veins on it. You've drawn...

Captain America. It's uncircumcised. I don't know. Apparently he manscaped. I think he's got genitals. I mean, I think like the super soldier serum probably. You think our superheroes out there in the MCU. In the MCU. And the MCU. And the MCU. They all have genitals. I would imagine, yeah. These like experiments with gamma rays didn't just eradicate their genitalia. Even though Dr. Bruce Banner was pelted with gamma rays. I think he kept his genitals, yeah.

Do you think they shrank? Do you think they shrank? That's why he gets mad. Like a tumor. Like radiation shrinks a tumor. This is a good question. Like,

Well, the action figures never have genitals. No matter if you pump up your muscles in the gym, your penis still stays the same size. Great point. There's nothing you can do, right? So the Hulk, he gets huge and big, but his penis probably stays the same size. It must be so tiny looking. That's a great point. Yeah, because the gamma rays are just what would happen if you worked out a ton. Yeah, even though you can make your hands bigger. Yeah. But you know what I mean? It must be so disappointing for the Hulk to be like,

huge and he's got a proportionately small penis. He must be so disappointed for the whole... He must be so melancholy. He must be all the time. I bet he's angry. You know what? Guy, we are running out of time on this segment. Well, when we come back, we're going to have more Guy Foreman. This is exciting. We finally learned what he does. Now we're going to learn why he does it.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Scott Aukerman here with Comedy Bang Bang. Unfortunately, Paul F. Tompkins had to leave. He had to leave. And I think he did know that was going to happen. I think he got upset about the whole abduction slam at the end of our last segment. I get that. I apologize. Paul, if you're listening to this recording, I apologize. They really believe I'm gone.

Did you hear that? No. They don't know I'm up in the ceiling. I didn't hear it. I should, a lot of my hearing range has been removed.

Intentionally removed? I had the high frequencies and the low frequencies kind of slid off. Like surgically? Yeah. Why? I had a yappy dog and a bassy grandfather, and I didn't want to hear either of them. I get that. So I just was like, hey, you know what? Not my problem anymore. I get that. Guy Foreman is here at Comic Book Inker, and...

Paul's gone. It's the same, because he was great. Yeah, and I don't... Oh, he's just temporarily gone. I don't even suspect that he might still be here. I don't either. Why would we? We saw him leave. Yeah, we saw him leave. It would be disrespectful to him for us to think he was here after we saw him leave. I take everything he does at face value. I don't think there's any kind of manipulation going on or anything like that. You are a man who does not suspect guile. This is like when Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn went to their own funeral. Yeah.

Yet I am hearing something. The frequencies must be dipping down out of the treble. Must be dipping down a little, yeah. Because I'm hearing a little something. I heard a little something. I heard something about...

Huckleberry... You know what it probably is? It's probably your audio book playing over the recording equipment. That's probably what it is. I had an audio book going right before the show started. Yeah, so that's probably what it is. You'll have to edit that out or something. I was reading Tom Sawyer. Uh-huh. And I hadn't gotten to the part where it says, he, he, he. This is like when Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn go to their own funeral. It's a very meta book. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

Guy Forman, you're a comic book inker. That's right. You explained what it is. Why do you do it? Well, for the love, and I love the medium of comic books. What do you love about that? I love the stories. I love the- The power fantasy of it all? Were you a sad little boy? No.

Yeah, you know what? I wouldn't put it like that. A little nerdy little boy who needed to read power fantasies about big strong men in order to feel like you. And that's who needs the stories most of all. Whoa. Excuse me, sir. We're in the middle of a conversation. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to see my old friend Guy Foreman. Wait a minute. You know. I do know this man. Remember me?

Is that... You should say it just so that I... Just because I feel like I know that you love to announce yourself. And obviously I know who you are now that you've stepped into the light. That's right, faithful friend. It's me, Ben Jamin, comic book mogul extraordinaire. Ben Jamin. Six-limbered Tyrannus. Ha ha.

Death to tyrants. My famous catchphrase. Yes. Oh, Ben, I got to say, it's nice to see you. It's nice to see you, and thank you for promoting the comical arts. Wow.

Wow, Ben. My pleasure. Did you know that Guy over here was going to be here? I did. I keep tabs on all my former employees. I can't believe that. You worked for Ben Jammin. I've done, as a contractor, I did some work for hire. Oh, like on his house? I did some work for hire on his house. One of your first jobs, if I'm not much mistaken. I put some insulation in the attic. Some? Yeah, not all. I peppered some insulation here and there throughout the attic. My house is freezing cold.

That's bad for a man your age. Hung some drywall. Some. Just here and there. There's big gaps in the walls where the breeze comes through in the wintertime. Less is more. That's what they say in contracting.

I don't know why they do it, but they do say it a lot. And I've also done some comic book work for Ben. Oh, my gosh. Ben, of course, every listener who's interested in the field knows who you are. That's right. Take us through your resume. I was the creator of Basie Grandfather. Basie Grandfather was you. Wow. Yes, and I had a real one. He was based on Count Basie. And he was an old man who played the upright bass, but...

In times of turmoil, he could climb and slide it to become an invincible crime fighter. Yeah, I remember the first issue was very complicated. It was a 50-page debut issue to explain all the powers of Basie Grandfather. And then once he becomes invincible, there's no drama anymore, right? Yeah, he just wins straight up. You'd be surprised because he does have a weak list. Oh, so he's not invincible. Well.

Invincible other than one weakness. Other than one weakness. An Achilles heel, perhaps. Yes! And what was his weakness? His Achilles tendon. Oh, okay. It was literally his Achilles tendon. Yes. So you could just slice that and he would go, ouch! That would happen every ten issues. Every ten? Yes. What happens in the other nine? Smooth sailing. Smooth sailing. He beats up the criminals. Ha ha ha!

Yes, I did some work on Basie Grandfather. Wow. Not on the first issue. I was brought in for some fill-in issues when I fell behind. And his arch enemy, X-Acto Blade. Yeah. You've done so much great work. Of course. Who could forget Ladybug? Yes, I don't. The Rodney Dangerfield movie? Yes. Why are you bringing it up? Who could forget it? It's a good point.

I've made some characters for Ben. Now, Ben does own the rights to those characters. Exactly. And everything you ever do. Well, I disagree with that part of what you assert. You signed what we call the Lorne Michaels package. I mean, some of the first work I ever did was for Ben, and it was a

It was a pretty... What did you do? What other books did you work on? I worked on Captain Gus and the Fat Lip Duo. Captain Gus and the Fat Lip Duo. This is... Obviously, I know who this is. From prior childhood. Yeah, but describe this for the listeners who aren't as into... Captain Gus was just a naval ranking man who was unimportant to the story. Naval ranking? He was not in the Navy. No, he was a naval ranking man. He ranked...

A lot of people don't know. You can get ranked by the Navy. Yeah. The Navy gave him a ranking. You send away. If I were to join the Navy, what would my ranking be? Here's my stats. What would my ranking be? Captain Gus was an accountant who got ranked by the Navy as a captain. Okay. And he had two daughters who they punched each other in the face and their lips inflated. Simultaneously? It could be. But whenever one of them had a fat lip, they were super strong.

They would turn to each other and say, fat lip duo, activate. And punch each other in the face simultaneously. And then for like 10 to 15 minutes while the swelling was up, they'd be incredibly strong. That short of a time. Wow. Yeah, you had to act fast. Okay. So a lot of the comic would be them moving into the position and then activating their fat lips and then for the brief window of time, subduing the bad. It was a controversial comic because when they punched each other in the face, they would both say simultaneously, fuck. Fuck.

Which Ben refused to have us edit out. We tried to do like the little swirl and number sign representation. Because I do think kids being bullied could relate. The feeling of getting punched in the face. Fuck! Even if you're a kid, if you get punched in the face, you're going to say fuck. You are. It was so real. It might be the first time you say it. Yep. First you say it, then you do it. Well, the letters into the letters column. That's an old... That's a reference to something else. Ha ha ha ha.

People felt seen when they read this comic. Wow. And so I did create those characters, but of course, I'm not disputing, but Ben owns the rights to those characters. Sure, and always will. You don't need to rub my face in it. I know that you've got it. Not trying to, just reestablishing. So Captain Gus and the Fat Lip Duo was one of the ones I worked on. The Sad Gentleman.

The Sad Gentleman. Started as a backup feature. The Sad Gentleman was like a little six-page backup we would use to fill out the issues that weren't done. It was basically an extended hostess tweaky ad.

Now, comic book fans know that the Hostess Twinkie Company used to do one-page ads where Spider-Man would come across a villain and everything would get solved by everyone eating Twinkies. Clover Man would find some fruit pies. Yes. Yeah, the Hulk would get really into some ho-hos or something like that. That tiny-dicked superhero. The incredibly tiny-dicked Hulk. Yeah.

Yeah, so the sad gentleman was at first just an original character created for a hostess ad. Can I check out any of the sad gentlemen? Oh my gosh, you have some artwork here. That looks exactly like you. Yeah, it was inspired by some of my life. This one is the sad gentleman is in an elevator and he can't remember what floor he's going to. So he's just six panels of him like scratching his chin, starting to push a button, not pushing a button, getting lost in his phone.

Which at that time didn't make any sense. He had a rotary phone. He took a rotary phone out of his satchel and just stared at it. And that's the end of The Sad Gentleman. But the abstract nature was compelling to people. Sure, yeah. This sounds like indie comics, these Indiana Jones comics that you've been working on. Children will write in and say, this is how I feel all the time, sad and confused. Kidding.

Kids in an elevator have no agency. They don't get to pick what floor they're going to. So all they have is their phone to play with. Kids should be able to pick the floors that we go to. Absolutely. Let the child pick the floor. That's my... Let the child pick the floor. Let the child pick the floor. Let the child pick the floor. This is my platform. I've said it before. I'll say it again. Let children pick these things.

Who cares if you end up on the wrong floor? Let them push every button like they want to. What do you care? And then wherever you end up, that's probably where you were meant to go. That's very wise of you. That's beautiful.

Like, where are you going with a kid anyway? The dentist? They don't want to go there. Let them pick the floor. Go somewhere else. Pick another floor. You're in some, like, DMV. Yeah, exactly. And just go in there for a while. Oh, man, those dentist offices that are right on top of the DMV. You go to the DMV, you're like, are you here for a license? No, go to the dentist. Yes, and then your child has an early start on driving. That's true. It all works out. What are some of the other books that you worked on?

So what did we say already? Captain Gus and the Fat Lip Duo. Yeah, you want to make sure you don't want to say one you've already said. I said Captain Gus and the Fat Lip Duo. You did, yes. Okay. The namely ranked Captain Gus. Piano hands. Piano hands. This is a man who was a jazz trumpeter, weirdly, fell into a grand piano during a nuclear attack on Los Angeles. And-

And he emerged with two piano keyboards for hands, but no hands to play them. I would imagine tragic. It's like an O'Henry story. He's got keyboards and no hands to play him. So he needs people to play his hands to enact music. Wow. But, but can he pick up stuff at all? Or he can scoop them up. Like if there's something that, that a piano keyboard could manipulate, I would imagine if the top is up on a grand piano, you can scoop things.

With a piano, yeah. Yeah. I would imagine that is true. Like if you were doing construction on your house, which you've done before. Some. And on mine. And you couldn't get a bulldozer. If you had a grand piano, you could probably scoop some of the rubble away. If you had a grand piano and you were strong, you could use it for sure, I would think. Sure, yeah. It's turned it upside down. You leave the lid open like a big mouth. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Big mouth. Great show. Piano man. Yeah.

Not piano man. Wait, didn't I see you on Big Mouth? You saw me, but it wasn't my voice. Yeah, your voice got cut out of the show. They used someone else, unfortunately, for it. But it was a drawing of me and the guy who just left, Paul F. Tompkins. Okay. And they used other people's voices for it for some reason. You probably were not available or hard to... Oh, I was very available. I let them know I would come in any time. Well, you probably didn't have any personal connection with anybody on the show. I don't know.

Okay, so piano hands. Piano hands, yeah. Does he solve crimes? He solves crimes. Absolutely, he solves crimes. Yeah. Well, he teams up with the detective. He doesn't have the know-how. He's the muscle. Oh, okay. He comes in just to, like, whap the bad guy with a big keyboard. That's what Sherlock Holmes needed. You know what I mean? Some muscle. He's got some, like, asshole Watson who, like, sits around and is, like... Just documents the cases. And is worse than Sherlock Holmes. Like, worse at everything. He's way worse. Like, if he were muscle, if he was, like...

Oh, don't, Sherlock, I'll take care of this. Wapow! Thank you, Bruno. Then you'd understand what he's doing there. Yes. But instead he's just like, oh, I say, Sherlock, why would you even think that that would be... Shut the fuck up, Watson. He was there in case Sherlock Holmes got shot or stabbed. He was an understudy? He was a medical doctor. Oh, to attend to the wounds. Not always does a stabbing lead to death. See, Ben is the master of the story. Except for Tyrannus. Oh, dear, oh...

You are holding scissors right now. I'm always holding scissors. Because you're an editor. Tell them about Bubonic Bill. Bubonic Bill is...

Was a worker at the CDC who insisted that he could cure all diseases. The CBC? CBC. He worked for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. All right. It's not the CDC. No. That would have been great. That would have been probably because of the diseases part of it. Because we knew we wanted him to have the powers of the bubonic plague. Yes, it was the CBC, not the CDC. We should have had it be the CDC. But I think that adds a more realistic...

It's more likely that someone will work at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation than they would at the Center for Disease Control. It's way more relatable. Yeah. So this guy worked for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Or company. Who knows? Could be company, yeah. We never had to say it. Concomitant? We just said Canadian Broadcasting C, because we didn't know. What?

So you had every character say the Canadian Broadcasting Sea. Hey, I got to get back to my job at the Canadian Broadcasting Sea. Okay. This is realistic dialogue. So far. Yeah. It gets unrealistic. So then he's... So there's a talk show where Mike Myers is interviewing Wayne Gretzky. Oh, yes. At the Canadian Broadcasting Sea. Canadian TV, yes. And the next guest is a scientist who's got a big vial of the bubonic plague to show. To show? Yeah. Yeah.

It's his party trick. Yeah. This used to really be a problem, he was going to say. Right. But this guy, our main hero, whose name was Irving Filibuster. Irving Filibuster. Was he doctor like Dr. Irving?

Like Dr. J? Like Dr. J? No, he was not a doctor. No, he was a nurse practitioner who worked at the Canadian Broadcasting Centre. Why? Huh? Why? If he's a nurse practitioner, why does he have this side gig? He was there in case people got hurt. Oh, like Watson. I guess so, yeah. So Irving Filibuster, a nurse practitioner who worked at the Canadian Broadcasting Centre, is arrogant. And he's like, I should be on this show, not this lousy scientist who's got a vial of the bubonic plague. And he tries to

to elbow his way onto the show, but knocks into the vial of the bubonic plague, giving himself the bubonic plague. Who is Bill? Sorry? The title of this is Bubonic Bill. And your main character's name is Irving. Yes. Great. You've got an eye. Have you ever heard of a secret identity? Yes. So he didn't want people to know his real identity because he wanted to continue his career as a nurse practitioner. But he did want people to know he was a carrier of the bubonic plague.

Well, yeah, because he wanted to scare villains. What, you know, what strikes fear in the heart of evil men? The bubonic plague. I would I would assume more than bats. Way more. Yeah. If there if you in a hypothetical situation had to walk into a room with the bubonic plague loose or a room with a couple of bats. I go into the bat room. Easy. Right. It begs the question, why not bat bill?

Why not Bat Bill? He's trying to obscure his secret identity, too. He should obscure the bubonic part. Well, no, I'm saying why didn't Batman, why wasn't his name Bat Bill? Oh.

Yeah, throw him off the case further. Because his name is Bruce. When he says Batman, you automatically go, oh, he's a man. Right, that narrows it down. And that narrows it down. Why not say Bat Bill? Wouldn't Bill narrow it down even further? But in the wrong way. In the wrong way where you're like, okay, we got to find some... Somebody named Bill. Someone named Bill who kicks ass and is rich. Yeah. And then there's no one there. You know what he really should have done was called himself Bat Joker.

To direct all the attention at Joker. Yes. Make that guy's life problem. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you know who just beat us up? All of us criminals? This Bat-Joker guy. What if he called himself Bat-Bill Jasper of 1124 Sycamore Avenue, Social Security number 24692-8125. He'd have the cops running in circles. Oh, Ben, I wish you were in charge of DC Comics. I wish I was in charge of DC Comics. What are you doing now, Ben?

Mostly I'm retired and counting money, but I do like to make cameos in films. Oh, okay. So like... I saw you recently. I saw you in Plumber Henry, the Plumber Henry franchise that's on Netflix. Yes. And I saw you in Amelia Perez. Yes. Remember when they were singing penis, vagina, penis, vagina. I was in the background looking back and forth like I was on a tennis match.

You can also find me in The Brutalist. Really? Yes. What were you doing in The Brutalist? Well, when an unpleasant thing happens towards the end of the film that comes out of nowhere. Ha ha ha.

I am over in the corner of the street going, I do a double take. I think it undermines the moment. Your performance is great, but I think the director was wrong to cut to you going, weren't you in Challengers as well, watching the tennis match as if it were a penis and vagina discussion? Also, when they're doing the three-way kiss, you see me slightly just out to the side of the frame going, let me get it there.

And then in Companion with Jack Quaid. Haven't seen it. So don't spoil my cameo in Companion. Wait, you haven't seen it. You're in it. I don't know where my cameo comes. Okay. So please don't spoil anything about the movie. Okay. Thank you. I'm glad you said that because I was going to spoil it. It was a very unique situation where the director said, no.

I'm going to push you into this movie. You're not going to know where you are or anything about the story. That's nice of you. Because you don't want to be spoiled. I was blindfolded. Oh, that's why. They picked you up at your... They abducted you. They abducted me.

And they put me in a, they put a bag over my head. They brought me to set and they said, okay, we're going to say action and whip the bag off. And then all you have to do is just sit there. But you were also blindfolded as well. Yes. So we're going to keep the blindfold on. It makes me feel like they blindfolded you so you wouldn't know where you're going. And then they thought you were just an uggo and put the bag over your face.

Like, why both? I don't think that's true, Ben. They did take the bag off for the filming. No, Ben, you're a fine-looking man. Thank you. That can't be true. For a man of 102, I think I look pretty good. 102? Yeah. You had a lot of energy. It's my birthday today. Hey.

Hey, happy birthday! So you were 101 yesterday. That's right! Now you're 102. Yes, and tomorrow I'll be 103. Well, that's not true. It'll be another year, right, Ben? When you're that old, I think the birthday should come a little more regularly. That's what I'm doing! Who knows if I'll live another year? So tomorrow, I'm going to be 103. Before the next day, and just birthday cake every day. I love birthday cake! It's my favorite food!

It's a great one. I like when you go to an ice cream store and it's like birthday cake ice cream. No, I would go to the birthday cake store. Yeah. Thank you. I want a birthday cake. I want ice cream. Birthday cake, ice cream, ice cream cake. What's going on? What is happening here? We got to get to the bottom of this. That's like a cat being dressed like a dog, which is another great idea for a superhero, by the way. But the dog, a cat, a cat, a dog, a dog, a cat, a cat who gets the powers of a dog. But what's two minutes later?

What's the secret identity of still being a cat? But I've had a very busy year doing cameos in movies. Really? That's incredible. We love to see you in movies. Your charming presence. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing is Stan Lee, who was a contemporary of yours, right? Yeah. Did you know Stan? Who? Marvel Comics guy.

That guy? Yeah, he would show up in all these Marvel movies. He'd be so funny and so good. What? I would be like, he's got to show up in other movies. Yeah, let's use this guy. He was doing my thing? He was doing your thing. He ripped you off, yes. Unfortunately. I've been doing cameos in movies since the 30s. I remember you in Kramer vs. Kramer. Yes. When he froze the glass in the restaurant.

And you're the waiter. You go, oh! You're one of the great double take cameos. You were in Arsenic and Old Lace. Yeah. When the guy who thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt charges up the stairs, I would be at the top of the stairs. And guess what I'd be doing? I can't believe you said that. Yeah, right? Most of these cameos are double take. Yeah. I remember in Psycho, the big reveal at the end, which I won't spoil.

For anyone who hasn't seen Psycho, but a certain character is not what she seems. Not what she seems. Certain character's mother, I don't want to spoil it. A chair is wheeled around. Yes. Is not who we think, but is actually maybe a son of who we think. No spoilers. No spoilers. No spoilers, but... The mother...

Of a certain character. Norman Bates. We're talking about Norman Bates. We're talking about Norman Bates. That's not a spoiler. That's the main character. That's the main character. When you go see Psycho, Norman Bates is... Right away, he's there. Yeah, but no spoilers, but Norman Bates is relative... Who you see... Of the maternal variety. Correct. No... No spoilers. Further specification than that. No... But at the end of the movie, we find out that this...

maternal relative of Norman Bates. He was dressing up as his dead mother and stabbing people. Correct. And at that moment, at that reveal, they cut the pan up to you and you go, and then they do the famous Hitchcock pull-out zoom forward just on you. It's the only time I did a double take where I had to pull out a zoom forward.

It was crazy, and you were in both versions. Except for Jaws, of course. You were in the Vince Vaughn version. Yes. Shot for shot remake. Yep. You got to have you. Gus Van Sant called me up and said, I know this is unusual, but would you mind repeating your role? Did you want him just to use the old footage?

I said, yes, please. And he said, no, it's going to be a color. And I said, ah, you got me. A color. A color. It's going to be a color one. It's going to be the eight color. I said, which color? And he said, all of them. And I said, wow, big budget. He went all out. I thought you were the best part of the remake. Thank you. What about where they added the one scene that wasn't in the original where Norman makes jerks off?

That was necessary. That had to be in there. It's sacrilege to change anything of the master's work except jerking off. For a good jerk off, which we all think he would have liked. Psycho. Otherwise, perfect film. If I were to add one thing...

A lot of movies are... I mean, Citizen Kane is always missing a real good jerk-off scene. Casablanca... You've got to assume he was going to see his mistress's operas, just working it up there in his box. How great would it be if one more filmmaker did a shot-for-shot remake of a classic and just included a jerk-off scene? Just Van Zant style. We're going to Van Zant this movie. I've got to say, three men on a podcast, we finally got to jerking off.

Took us a while. That was restraint. Well, look, guys, we are running out of time, unfortunately. I am, too. So am I. I'm 103. We've already crossed into tomorrow. Have we? We are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. I just can't believe I get to hear your love. Rock and roll. Finally. Rock and roll.

Starring Michael Gross. Kind of seems like a TV show theme. Sha-la-la-la! That was Little Dinky Boy by T.W. Bond. That was great. Yeah, I loved it. Incredible. Thanks to T.W. Bond. And guys, what do we plug in here? I'll start with you, Guy Forman.

I'm going to... D-Nay guy. I'll plug a podcast I like called Screw It. We're just going to talk about the Beatles. If you want to hear a bunch of... I thought you didn't know who they were. I don't know who they are, but that's why I'm plugging it. These guys do. These guys do. So I'm hoping to listen to it someday because I'm curious about that band. But if you ever wanted to hear a couple of middle-aged people to say that this band...

that you know already is good, that's the podcast for you. Do they have any sort of analysis that elevates it at all? Not really. There's a lot of just whatever's topical in the band, they kind of go over and say... Things are topical in the Beatles these days. There is a lot of Beatles releases. There are a lot of Beatles releases. Ringo released an album last month. I hear, even though I don't know who he is.

And Ben Jammin, do you have anything you want to say? I'm dying. Here I go. No, no, not now, Ben. No, Ben. No, no, no, no, no, Ben. Clear. Clear. Don't you die. Hey. What's going on, you guys? Hey, Paul, where'd you come from? I fell out of the roof. You were in the roof? Yeah.

Oh. Are you all right? Within the ceiling. Oh, okay. Oh, that makes sense. Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. It's not that long of a fall. Oh, it's quite a fall. I fall a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did it well. Thank you. You rolled. Thank God that I had these pillows here underneath. Pillows. Yeah, before we started, when you got all the pillows out to show them off, I was like, I can't stand that. Yeah, check out my pillow collection. I actually enjoyed the pillow show. Yeah.

But it was out of nowhere. To be honest, I usually do a pillow show before every episode. We just don't record it. What's amazing is, to the untrained eye, they all look exactly alike. But you were able to walk us through the subtle differences in each pillow. And I now am glad that I brought out my haystack in response to that pillow. Your haystack collection, yes. Which I thought was gorgeous. You were so nice about it.

I mean, no needles involved in these. No. A haystack is sort of a collection of hay, right? It is. In a way, it's stacked up. Sure.

Paul, we're doing plugs. Do you have anything you want to plug? Oh, sure. I'd like to plug Varietopia. We're doing our St. Patrick's Day special in Los Angeles on Sunday, March 16th, and live streaming it to the world. That's at Lodge Room in Los Angeles and live streamed everywhere else. And then, of course, got to say it again, Varietopia starts in Iowa City, Iowa,

uh on fucking uh april uh i bet it was 16 no ah it's a little too early it's a little too early 23rd of my guess that's my guess i think you're right about the 23rd gee um yeah wednesday 23rd yeah at the engler theater it all kicks off in iowa city so week in a day after you file your taxes that's exactly one week and one day yep wow

I just got a text. It's AT&T. Great news. Your phone is paid off. Oh, fuck. If you're interested in learning about our upgrade offer, reply yes to receive details. Congrats. Say yes. Please say yes. I gotta get some more details on this.

I want to plug, hey, we still have the CBB action figures. We still have Randy and Carissa action figures. They've been mailing them out. They look gorgeous. I have some right here next to all of my others. They are Randy Snuts and his on and off again Carissa girlfriend.

Get them to complete your set. They are available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with a U.S. address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfigureseller.com. Nice. I think they still have some Sprague and Big Sue action figures as well as some of the tour J.W. Stillwater and Scott Aukerman's might still be available. So hit them up.

Also, if you're interested in hearing the complete archive of Comedy Bang Bang as well as every live episode we've ever done, head over to CBB World. We have such great stuff over there. We have ad-free episodes of this show. We have ad-free Threedom episodes.

We have CBB Presents shows. Freedom will shine your light on me. We also have College Town. We have Neighborhood Listen. Scott Hasn't Seen, where we watch movies with Sprague. So many great shows over there. CBB FM? CBB FM, yeah. We certainly do that.

Yeah, that's there. That is a show. That's a fact. Head over to there, over at cbbworld.com. Head over to there. You can get it via a monthly subscription or a yearly subscription. If you get it for a year, you get two months free. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Dude, dude, open up the plug bag. Dude, dude, open up the plug bag. Dude, dude, open up the plug bag. Dude, dude, open up the plug bag.

You got it. Ha ha ha!

All right. That was Dude Looks Like a Plug Bag by Bernswee. Thanks to Bernswee. That was great. Guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, Paul, thank you so much for dropping by and filling us in about what's going on. Thank you for letting me promote my little show. Of course. And I hope to go out there and I'm going to follow the tour around and go to every show. I figured. Yep. I'll be there in the audience if anyone wants to say hi. Great.

And Ginegai Foreman. Foreman, that's correct. Ginegai. Ginegai. Ginegai. So great to meet you. Yeah, thanks for, I just wanted to hang out and I got to do it. Continued success to you. Thank you.

Yeah. And of course, Ben Jamin's dead. Yeah. But rest in peace, Ben. Is that who this is? Yeah, yeah. We couldn't save him. We performed CPR. I breathed heavy near his face. Extensively. Yeah. This is grisly. I know. Hey, join the club. My nephew Todd was dead for a while, lying on the floor. Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke, yeah. He's been lying here forever. There are a lot of bodies here. It's a curse being on this show. Hopefully, that won't ever affect you guys. Okay.

We didn't do anything wrong. It wouldn't be fair. That's right. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.