Stephanie Hsu, Zosia Mamet, Heather Anne Campbell, Casey Feigh
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In the words of the immortal bard, be not afraid of greatness, be afraid of that thing behind you.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hmm. Pretty good submission. Thank you to Cronkite Cro-Magnon for that catchphrase submission. I don't know, though. It's a little long. I love talking about the immortal bard. I assume Willie Shakes is, of course, who we're talking about. But I don't think that one's going to stick. But thank you so much for the submission. Keep trying. We're going to find one that we like eventually.

I look forward to that day. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have a great show. Coming up a little later, we have someone who works in parking enforcement. Oh, that's very exciting. I've parked probably...

35 times in my life. So I think I'm going to have a lot of questions. We also have a musician coming up. So this is a good show today. Something for everyone. People who park, people who listen or write music. And then we have our guests of honor. That's right. They're coming in as a duo act. I love this. They're coming in in tandem. They individually, she

starred in the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once, where she received an Oscar nomination. Also things like Poker Face. And she starred in the television series Girls, as well as, oh, what was that other show? What was the show you did right after Girls? Flight Attendant. Flight Attendant. That's it on Max.

Got a lot of questions about Max. Back then it was HBO Max, wasn't it? True. Incredible. I have so many questions about that. But together they are starring, they're playing Best Buds in a show called Laid, which is out now on Peacock. Eight episodes. Please welcome Stephanie Shue and Zosia Mamet.

Saying Zosia after Shu is very, very difficult, by the way. You definitely made that harder for yourself, for sure. Yeah. What should I have done? Should I have taken a break after Stephanie? Maybe a little catch breath. Yeah. Yeah. Shu, Zosia. Stephanie Shu. Zosia. Zosia. Zosia. Yeah. Anyway, hi. Hi.

Hi. Yeah. Hi. It's the shoe and the shaw, right? The shoe and the shaw. Yeah. Have you considered rebranding yourselves as the shoe and the shaw? Honestly, not until now. It's not bad. Good idea. I think you guys should host some award show coming up. You know, maybe the Oscars. I know they have a host right now. As shoe and shaw. The shoe and the shaw.

Sponsored by Adidas. Yes. Did you get the Adidas sponsorship? Oh, that's amazing. Thank you so much for coming, guys. It's wonderful to have you join the exclusive one-timers club. Thanks for having us. Yeah. Thank you. Let's talk about this show, Laid. I was recently sent the entire season. It's out now on Peacock. I had the time to watch approximately one episode, so I know the premise. Really?

These are long episodes, by the way. This was like 40 minutes long. This one? No, it was 30. Who do you think is letting us do 40? Okay. That extra eight minutes really got you. Yeah, really. Oh, man, I was winded. You did not have those to spare. No. But I know the premise because the premise is firmly established in the first episode. But I would love to hear you guys describe what the premise is. And can you alternate sentences? It is...

Yeah, sentences, not just every two words. Although it is is a great dynamite start to this. Actually, sorry, it is. It just is. It just is. It is. A show about. Now you're making it harder for yourselves. This is where the 38 came from. We're the extra eight. We're the extra eight. Shu and Shaw, those extra eight minutes. You want to start?

You want to take it? It's a show about a woman in her 30s who's having a hard time finding love. And a lot of shows would just stop there. Sure. And they would say like, OK, then we watch her try to find love. Yes. Yet there's an intriguing twist to the show. But but wait, there's more.

Tell us, Shaw. But amidst her journey to find love, she discovers that all of her exes are dying in the order that she slept with them. Wow. In the order? Oh, I didn't know that after the first episode. That happens in episode two. It's okay. Okay. A little spoiler for episode two. Sorry.

And... Interesting, because now knowing what I know in episode one, that's interesting that... Okay. Okay. We'll see if there's something here for everyone. Yeah. Interesting. So, essentially, the first episode, Stephanie, your character finds out that someone from college that you both went to college with has passed away. You decide to go to the funeral. And then as you're talking about the person, you're reminded that you slept with them back during college. Right.

And then you see another person from college at the funeral who then ends up dying right in front of you. Yeah. In a particularly gruesome manner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a comedy. And it was not revealed to me in episode one how many people you had slept with. It's a healthy body count. Enough for five seasons? Yeah.

Don't slut shame me. Okay, I'm so sorry. This is not the slut shaming podcast. I don't want that rip. Not enough for five, but definitely enough for one and 38 minutes. Wow. And what's the process behind this show getting made? It's such an unconventional idea. It's based on a... Australian show. Australian show. Yeah, I...

Do you do anything other than just guttural noises with your Australian? No, I did shoot something in Australia once. And I like one of the one of the crew members was teaching me phrases. And my favorite one was going off like a frog in a sock mite. And I asked him, I said, what do you mean going off like a frog in a sock? And he goes, you know, a frog. Yeah.

Oh, that clears it up. And then he did this movement that you can't see because this is a podcast, but it's sort of like... Sort of akin to the gas station inflatables. Yes, exactly. Kind of moving side to side. Actually, that's pretty accurate. Yeah. Has you heard...

We're not here to fuck spiders. Yes. I have not heard that. Is that a phrase? You've never heard that? Shoe and Shaw's general theme. That's our catchphrase. That's your vibe? No, I had an Australian co-star who one day when we were shooting something was like, I can't do an Australian accent. But was like, we're not here to fuck spiders. And I was like, I don't know what, I mean, obviously not, but also can you elaborate? And he, the same thing. He was like, you know.

It's like, no, no, no. No, I don't. Interesting. Wow. They're a strange bunch down there, aren't they? Down in Australia? Well, they live amongst a lot of creatures. I think it's becoming clear. Spiders, frogs. Spiders, frogs. Do you think if every non-human creature teamed up in the world, they could overthrow the humans?

Absolutely confirmed. I mean, definitely in the sea, the sharks, the orcas, they already they're already attacking boats and everything like that. So, I mean, we would have to remain on land.

But then it would take some coordinated effort, wouldn't it? My engine wires were just chewed through by a rodent. So they're winning. And then when I popped the hood of my car, there was a huge rabbit that was so big. In the car? In the engine? In the engine. Alive. Alive? Chilling. Yes. But I know rabbits don't chew through. Anyway, so they're winning. So you think that there were two different things in your... Yes, they weren't together. I know. I think that...

I travel a lot. So I think they made a home. I think they conquered all. How long in my super-cross track? Yeah, do you think the rabbit was in there for... Yeah, I want to know how long you think it had been. Maybe overnight. So you hadn't... Okay. Because I would assume the engine gets so hot that it would be uncomfortable for the rabbit to be there while you're actually driving, but you never know. But maybe it's a little chilly outside. That's right. Wow, what an interesting... So that's just one facet of...

Of Mother Nature teaming up to fuck with us.

Yeah. Or just specifically you. Who do you think they would take down first? Do you think they would take like if nature were to take a look at the human race and say like, okay, we need to now normally in a war, you would knock out communications first because that's the only way that you can coordinate an army. So they take out the telecommunicate. Would they take out like Tim Cook from Apple maybe first? Like he's number one with a bullet or something. I don't know. What do you think the process would be? Oh,

I want it to be funny, but it's like too real in my heart. Do you think they would take out the big, like the big strong people first?

Girl, I don't know. Girl? Girl, I don't know. What do you think, Zasha? You seem like you don't quite know what to make of this. I don't know. I'm just suddenly going to a dark place because I love animals so much. You love animals so much. So you want to team up with them against the rest of the humans. I mean, I'm not here to tell you what my alliances will be. Who knows what's going to happen on the other side of this? You're a traitor. You know, look, here's the deal. What?

It's a complicated issue. I don't know. I feel like it would probably just be like a play. I don't think it would be that hard for them. You think it would be over in like 24 hours? You know, you watch that movie A Quiet Place. I don't know if you have any plans on starring in one of these Quiet Place movies. If not, I'll continue. But you watch this and it's over in like five hours. You know, they come down. No one thinks like, hey, let's...

play loud music at them you know and instead they just like they tear through everybody and it takes approximately like four and a half hours for them to just wipe out the human race do you think it would be like that where if lions so lions and bears those are the scariest right maybe tigers oh my i don't know i'm also like sometimes it's the small creatures right like if everybody just spiders decided to team up or like mosquitoes and that's why we don't fuck them

And that's why we don't fuck them. That's why we don't fuck them. That's like every time I ask Siri to do something afterwards, I always say thank you because I'm really scared that it will hurt. Well, we have Siri on our side. That's the thing that the animals don't know. We've teamed up with Siri. I don't know that she's... When you say thank you to Siri, that's very kind. Well, because I'm afraid that when Siri takes over... Do you think Siri logs that? Look, I don't know, but I'm like, I may as well cover my bases. That's right. CYB.

Now, speaking of traitors, which you are a traitor to the human race, Traitors is another television show on Peacock, and your show is on Peacock. See how I expertly wove that together. You need an endorsement from Peacock. And Adidas. Yeah, and Adidas. What if Adidas and Peacock teamed up? And endorsed you. What if Adidas supplied sneakers to a Peacock? Adidas. Yes, Adidas. Adidas. Adidas.

Anyway, but your show is on Peacock. All episodes are out now. We're doing the binge system of dropping them all. It's a bingeable show. You want to know what happens next. That was a debate, right? It was. It was like a... Akin to the Lincoln-Douglas debate. Exactly, like as such. But yeah, you never know if people want to wait a week. But this one has so many different little plot twists that you're kind of like, I just want to sit

and watch all of it and know what happens. And I've seen there's some intriguing guest stars coming up in the little thumbnail that I was sent of that I could click on to click on the episodes. We have our good friend John Early is in one or two or... One episode. One episode. It appears to be episode four, if I'm not mistaken. Yes. We also have... Who else is in the show? Cate Berlant is in it. Cate Berlant. We love Cate. Simu Liu. Simu Liu.

Simu Liu Simu of course Shang-Chi himself yeah Shang-Chi himself um and so many so many so many so many you can only name two laughing

Don't you do that to me. I'm sleepy. It is four in the afternoon. This is the witching hour, don't you think? This is the time. This is the time. It's snack time. If you don't have lunch, you're fucked. Have you had lunch? I have not had lunch. I have not had lunch. I have not had lunch. It's a little toasty and...

inside. It is also quite warm. The sun is hitting the windows. Because it's 4 p.m., the sun has moved over to the windows. We're basically toddlers. We're a little hungry. We're a little sleepy. Let's see what I can do for you. First of all, you can take a nap right now. Fantastic. And while I forage for some food. Honestly, okay. There are some candy canes right here. Don't eat them. I am into foraging, but we're supposed to be talking about the show that you should watch on Peacock. Okay, now, foraging. Incredible. Have

Have you ever foraged? I've never foraged myself. Unless you count Uber Eats as foraging or... You're funny. Where have you foraged? Thank you so much. This is the first compliment I've got. We're almost 900 episodes in. This is the first time anyone has ever complimented me. Well, when I lived in LA, I used to like during COVID, I would walk around.

I guess this is maybe not okay, but I would like go on foraging walks because there's so many fruit trees here. Kumquat. You're just like climbing into people's backyards and stealing their fruit. Usually when it overflows their fence, that's free game. Figs, passion fruit, avocado. And then... Figs. Oh my God. I don't think I've ever spied a fig tree here in Los Angeles. They're everywhere. They're everywhere. Open your eyes. Yeah.

Figs are amazing. My friend said once to me, brilliant, most brilliant thing I've ever heard. Get ready. Oh, boy. She said, figs are nature's brownies. Interesting. Yeah, I can see that. They're sweet. But they're like, they've got that fudgy. They're chocolatey. They have chocolate chips in them. Okay, question. Those are seeds. Do you not feel like maybe a date would be nature's brownie? Oh, shit. She said that about dates. Oh, shit.

Still the most brilliant thing you've ever heard.

And this is why I shoot and shot, you know? This is why we need you as a team X. Yeah, exactly. Well, it's a great relationship. It's a very funny show. I would consider it to be a comedy mixed with drama. I would maybe even call it a dramedy or a comma, maybe. A comma? Maybe it's a comma. Might be a comma. It's a comedy. Comma. Comedy. Yes. No, you're right. Comedy. I just made up that word. Wow. This is going to stick. Is that what comedy means? Yeah.

Comma. It's comma and then D. As I said, it is 4 p.m. I've not had lunch. It's dates. It's dates. I'm not, yeah. Which, by the way, were you coming in from a photo shoot or something? You're wearing, you in particular, Stephanie, are wearing very...

Intricate outfit, if I may be so bold as to say. It's a white dress, but the sleeves are big. The sleeves are very big. I was at the Jennifer Hudson show just now. Okay. Is that the show where you've got to walk down the hall and they all- Can we talk about this? The Spirit Tunnel.

It was my first time, and I have to say that was the freaking coolest thing I've ever experienced. It was cool. It was amazing. My heart goes out to the people who work at that show who, like, maybe it was fun the first couple of times, and now they have to do it every day. I think they love it. Do they love it? There's someone who writes. I mean, maybe it switches, but they write the song based on...

whoever is the guest. And then they like get in the hall and they sing the song or do the route. You haven't seen what we're talking about. This is your entrance onto the show. The Jennifer Hudson show. You walk through the staff. Yeah. We're all lined up down the hallway and they're singing a song to you. Yes. And I even got a cool down. I don't know if that's normal. What's a cool down? So apparently they had a few song options. So when I was done with the show, I,

I walked off and I got another song. - You got a second song to pull you down.

I got a cool down. I got a cool down. It was really special. Is there footage of this? I think someone on their staff. This must be for socials. Yeah, it must be for socials. This is exciting. It's pretty cool. I want everyone to get to experience it. You know, it's like, I want to start my day that way. It's really neat. Do you think you could hire the Jennifer Hudson Show staff to just like meet you at your house? Every morning? Every morning. Yeah, why not?

and just have like a sing-along birth canal in Tall World. How much could it possibly be? How much could that possibly cost? $50,000 a day? Worth it. Yes. Worth it.

Well, that's fantastic. The Jennifer Hudson show, you're wearing big sleeves. Do you remember what songs? Are they parodies of current popular songs or even formerly popular songs? Sometimes, but I couldn't actually identify which parody. I don't know if mine were references to other songs. You think that they're writing originals for you? These sleeves? How could you not? No, I think I was also in such a state of...

And like that I couldn't be like, oh, that's my favorite top 20 hit. Yes, the fart sound. Do they warn you that this is going to happen or are you just thrown right into the lion's den? We are. You're sort of primed a little. You're primed and then the cool down afterwards. I'm not using words good. You're using the Seuss terms. Yeah.

Masseuse terms? You know, how they prime you before you need to cool down afterwards. These are just the masseuses that I go to. Yeah, you're a Kobe beef.

And you're going to a masseuse that's like lathering you in sake. Yes. Priming you with sake. That's exactly what I would do. Yes, of course. Well, it's a great show. Laid is out there right now. People can access it. Really, all one needs is perhaps a Peacock subscription. You can even do it with ads, if you like, if that's your tier in Peacock. Do you guys pay for the non-ads? I bet Peacock sends you actual subscriptions.

subscriber logins don't they you guys are afraid to speak oh my gosh you go i mean oh yeah yeah yeah what did you get one

Okay, you both got one. Oh my God. Was there some fear right here that perhaps- That maybe someone didn't get one? Yeah. You both got one. That's fantastic. Are you happy for us? I'm very happy for you. I made three or four shows for CISO and they would never give me a login. They needed every subscriber they could get. Oh, wow. I think they only get it for a year though. Oh.

Oh, these sons of... And then if they don't pick your show back up... Actually, the day that I stopped working for HBO, I went to go watch something and it was like, you're so screwed. What? This is huge news. That's wild. So is this the day after the shoot ends or the day after the final episode ends? Oh, God, I'm trying to remember.

I feel like it was, I can't, I think it was like the day, I think it was like, honestly, not long after I wrapped shooting. I'm just going to say that it was the day. It was the day. Right when they said series wrap. I walked off the set. It was just like my phone exploded. They flipped a switch.

I was like, wow. All right. This is incredible. Goodbye forever. Okay. But hear me out on this. I'm just going to plug this everywhere I can. Wouldn't it be nice if all the streamers just became like a television, like cable? Wouldn't that be nice? Yes. 1000%. Because like the amount of passport, passports. Passports. The amount of passports to go between. You have to renew your passport. Honestly, does it not kind of feel like that? Well, I literally like I can't.

I cannot remember 90% of my passwords. No, no. Yeah. Here's what the streamers should do. They should all band together. They should broadcast on like a satellite dish that goes into your home or something like that. And then all of the shows should have like advertisements in it. And then people would make money again in show business. And then we could get more shows on there. We're just going to return to basic cable. Yes. Yeah. Those were the good old days. I mean, honestly, yeah. People made money. It worked.

Yeah, the system worked and now everyone's streaming these things. Why not? Also, I feel like I keep do you constantly get bumped out of your things and it makes you log into them again? And then I end up like with the cute. No. OK, just someone with a switch is messing with you. Someone someone's really fucking with me hard and it's ruining my day. Well, I am very glad that you both have. Is it ad free tier of peacock or did they give you the ad one? It's ad free. Yeah.

Fantastic. This is good. But only a year. And this started the day the show wrapped or the day the show premiered? A few months before. A few months before. But it's only a year. So you have like 10 months left on this, perhaps? You have 10 months to use that.

Use $15 a month towards Jennifer Hudson's entire crew. So you'll get to see Trader season three before it expires. You'll get to see Deal or No Deal Island season two probably before it expires. What else is on Peacock these days? Oh, yeah. Poker Face. Do you watch a lot of Peacock? Oh, I'm a Peacock head. Are you kidding me? Love it. I see the feathers. That's right. All right.

Well, it's a great show. Laid is out right now. All eight episodes. People can access them with a mere Peacock subscription. Much. I know I stumbled on Peacock. Peapop. What if you called your grandfather Peapop? That's cute. I like that. It's cute. Hey, Peapop.

Yeah, sure. It's got P in it, though. I don't know. Were I to be a grandfather, I don't know that I ever will be. While I'm alive, of course. Who knows? But I feel like I'm going to expire before I become a grandfather. What do you think? If you had to take bets? No. You think that I'll still be alive? I know nothing about your personal life. I have a two-year-old. Well...

Yeah. Why not? Your face. Yeah. You instantly realized you shouldn't be taking bets on me ever becoming a grandfather. Can I walk that back? I mean, will she be a young mother? I hope if it's what she wants. I don't quite know how to answer this. There are a lot of questions. A lot of questions. A lot of questions. Let's just go with yes. Okay. Thank you so much. P-pop you shall be. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I'm going to do this. Fantastic. Well, Laid is out right now. We're going to take a break. This is very exciting. We have Shu and Shaw here. And we also have a person in parking enforcement. We also have a musician. This is a packed show, guys. I'm so glad you're here for this. This is incredible. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. We have Stephanie Hsu and Zosia Mamet here. Hsu and Shaw, of course, from the television show Laid Out Now on Peacock, where one can see traitors. One can see, for a while they had a whole kind of station devoted to people playing poker. In the midst of COVID, when I was depressed, I would watch it for maybe eight hours a day.

And, uh, but currently you can see laid, uh, on this platform and, we have to get to our next guest. Uh,

Uh, she's a parking, uh, enforcement officer, I guess. Is that safe to say? It is. It is. I mean, that is safe to say. I have to, um, I have a bit of an issue. Um, my PR people didn't tell you my full title. You have PR people as a part. Okay. No, but what's your full title? Well, whoever it is, the books.

So you consider my booking person to be your PR person now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoever that is. They contacted me. I think they didn't take down all the information. What's the information that you need? By the way, this is Shoe and Chalk. Oh, hi. Hi, Shoe and Chalk. We don't know your name yet. I haven't introduced you. Should I do that?

I'm willing to do it, but it seemed like you wanted to get something off your chest. No, you do it. Okay, Alexa Melrose is here. That's me. Hello, Alexa. Hi! What exactly did you need me to adjust in your introduction? Oh, well, there's a, yeah, so there's a clarification. How do I put this? Okay, so you know what a time cop is?

Oh, I mean, they're like the police. Jean-Claude Van Damme portrayed one in a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're police from the future who go back to make sure that time travelers aren't necessarily altering the history. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not splitting the timeline. So that's basically what I do. Is that part of it, splitting the timeline? Well, I don't know. I haven't seen it. You haven't seen Time Cop? No. Okay, but you know what a Time Cop is. Well, yeah, because they're real. Oh.

What? Time cops are real. Time cops are real? Yeah, they're real. Are you a time cop? No, no, no. See, they got that part right. Okay. I'm a time...

parking enforcement attendant. You're a time parking enforcement attendant. What does that mean? So like time cops? So sometimes in the past, people are going back to park in areas that they shouldn't be parking in. And my department, we go to those areas in the past and prevent them from either parking in those red zones or we issue them tickets because you can't just willy nilly travel through time and park your car wherever you want.

Because, okay, if I'm... Have you ever heard of anything like this, Shoe and Shaw? No. It's interesting because if I'm gaming this out correctly... And you should be. There are only enough spaces in any city for the inhabitants of that city. Right.

If time travelers start coming back to this city, then suddenly it's anarchy because they're parking in places. That means the regular citizenry doesn't have places to park. Absolutely. That's one of the issues. There's a lot of major issues when it comes to parking your car in an incorrect time zone. What are the other issues? Well, say, for example, there was a guy who tried to park in Daly Plaza on November 22nd, 1963, and that would have completely irreparably...

Was he trying to get a front row seat? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He drove to Texas and he parked his car right there in the plaza. And I had to go there and I had to make sure the car was towed on time. So you work with local authorities? I mean, yeah, we have contacts in every division. Well, I'm just kind of curious, what kind of vehicle do you drive? Do you have some sort of tow truck?

Like a time tow truck? I've got a time moped. It's like a Vespa. Because you don't know, like some areas that, you know, like if you're going all the way back to ancient Rome, then you can't bring the vehicle. But if you're going anywhere from like, say... 1953 on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 50s all the way up till today, then you can drive the moped and nobody bats an eye. Like you're driving like a

you know, a 62 Chevy or something. And, and then you're in the nineties. People are like, what is that? That's a classic car. Then you draw a lot of attention. Yeah. But if you're driving a Vespa around, nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares. They think you're a mod or a scholar or something. What are the parking restrictions in ancient Rome?

Well, okay. So first off, you can't park anywhere. Right. Because you should not have a car. But if you have like a horse and a buggy or like a chariot or something, there are districts and zones that you can and cannot park in. If you're a woman, you definitely can't park anywhere because you aren't allowed to have the chariot to begin with. But there are people who are traveling back to ancient Rome and they're like, oh, there's a...

there's somebody who's fighting in the Coliseum and I want to get a front row seat and then they park and I got to issue the ticket or provide their information to the local towing agency. Yeah. What's your favorite time period? I mean, I would think anything predating indoor toilets would

Would be bad. I wouldn't want. Yeah, those are tough. Those are tough. The castles where they just got the hole on the side of the building and you just go out the side of the castle. That is not for me. Yeah, you can. I don't like any of that. So I like I like indoor plumbing. I like heating. You know, air conditioning is key. Air conditioning is all right. But but, you know, it didn't used to be as hot as it is now. So it was OK. It was like kind of breezy. But also GPS. I think anything pre GPS like GPS is the best invention.

in the past. So you, you would only go back to like 2008. Yeah, pretty much. Well, that's because you live, you live in the hills and it's all curly cute up here. I don't like to give away my assassination coordinates necessarily, but, uh, well, we'll just do it. Yeah. We'll say that the hills in general. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's very hard. It's very difficult to get around without GPS, isn't it? Remember the days where you'd have to map quest or even worse Thomas guide things. Oh, those are the big thick boys. Yeah. Well, if we're talking about the same thing, yes.

Wait, who are you? I was talking about the magazine. You're talking about a man? I mean, yeah, it's segued into talking about just general big, thick boys. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of Thomas's out there who got who are a big, thick boy. But I'm talking specifically about the magazine that had the maps in it. It's not a magazine necessarily, although it's not really a book because it doesn't have a floppy. If it's floppy, then it's a magazine. If it's hard, then it's a book. This is a good point.

That's what I think. So what is it? Can you go to the future too, by the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm stationed in the future. I'm not from now. Yeah. When were you born? I was born in the year 2076. 2076. I mean, that's 50 years from the 51 years or so from now. Yeah. Amazing. What's it like then? Well, it's a lot like now. So every time you think you see a movie where it's in the future and it's all like all these futuristic buildings, like all that's

buildings everywhere have been there for like 100, 200, some... Every once in a while they'll tear down a house and build up one of those little square boxes or whatever. But for the most part, buildings just stick around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's most of the same buildings. Once in a while you get an architect who gets a crazy idea and he makes a big building that looks like a garbage can or something. They say they're going to tear down that Arby's

over there on sunset. Oh, that's still here. That is gone. It's gone by that year. Yeah, that is gone. That is gone. They kept the hat though. Oh, good. Yeah. It's still a hat based. It sells hats. It's a skyscraper where they sell hats. It's a skyscraper. Yeah. That's too many hats. In the future, you need a hat because it's so sunny because everything, you know, everything got really hot. But yeah, so I'm from

I mean, it's basically like same buildings, a couple new ones. What changes? Like electronics, maybe? I'm trying to think of what was different 50 years ago. Oh, everything's a hot dog.

What do you mean everything's a hot dog? Like all the foods are hot dogs. All the foods are hot dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 years in the future. Yeah, so when everything starts collapsing and then they kind of swoop in and they fix it all up. Now this is the part that I want to hear about. Everything starts collapsing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's like, I don't know, that was like 20 years before I was born. Oh, so that's soon. Now-ish. Yeah.

30 years from now. 30 years from now. Okay, we still have a little time. I'll maybe be peep-popping. You'll get to watch the last gasp. So everything starts collapsing, and then the government swoops in, and they fix everything. Oh, good. We can count on the government to fix everything. Yeah, well, it's like one government. But anyway, so they step in, they fix it, and then after that, it's like you have to do some streamlining. Okay, so the...

The food pipeline, essentially? Yeah, the food pipeline, the entire shipping and business industry, they're all sort of streamlined. Streamlined. Is everything like a meat hot dog or do you just mean like a... No, it's whatever you want it to be. Whatever you want. So it's got a case... It's like a chocolate cake hot dog. It's like Soylent. Yes. Yeah, but it's a hot dog. But in hot... So it's just all hot dogified shape-wise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then, you know, no matter what you need, you can get it in a hot dog. Are we eating it just in dog form or are we bunning it up?

Well, I mean, it depends. Like if you that's up to you. I mean, you have a chocolate cake and ice cream hot dog. What does that look like? A chocolate cake and ice cream hot dog look like a hot dog. What are you asking? But what's the bun situation? And which for that?

For a chocolate cake and ice cream hot dog. What is made out of what? Do you want a bun on that? Because you can have it if you want. Is it a bread bun? If you want to eat bread, I don't want to eat bread with chocolate cake and ice cream. What do you want? Are you all crazy back here? So the hot dogs can be anything you want, but the buns are still strictly buns. Yeah, I mean, it's a bun. What about corn dogs? Like a corn dog? No, I mean. No, no, no. So here in the 90s, there was a. Wait, what year is it here? Oh, no. Wait.

Wait, where are you a time traveler? Oh, no. You might be wanting to watch where Stephanie Park. I'm on you. I'm on you now because I don't know where you parked outside. But if you're from the 90s and you're parking today, I'm going to have to issue a ticket or park anywhere. What? She can't park anywhere. If you come from the 90s, you can't park. You expect time travelers to just drive around in an endless circle. They could be walking.

I don't care where they're going. Can I ask a question? Yes. So if you time travel. Yes. Can you time travel San's vehicle? Of course. Oh, okay. So you basically want all time travelers to time travel without a vehicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody can. But you can time travel with a vehicle.

Yeah, well, I mean, if you do, you just can't park it. Okay, but you can bring one over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can bring one over. So it's not just organic. Well, let's say you're time traveling and you want to do a road trip. Like, that's not my problem. You can drive around all day. You drive wherever you want. But your road trips have to take place within one calendar day. You can never park. And then you have to go back? This isn't much of a road trip. Hold on. What, are we going to Palm Springs? You can park.

Where it's legal. This is what I'm saying. You can park where it's legal. Yeah, I'm not going to issue a ticket if you're parking in a Best Western parking lot. I can't go in there and just give you a ticket. Because it sounded to me like you were trying to say that you never wanted time travelers to ever park anywhere. In an illegal zone. In an illegal zone. I do not want them to park in an illegal zone outside of their time. You're safe, Stephanie.

Is this really that complicated? Here's my question. It's a question of redundancy. Okay. Don't we have parking enforcement people already out there? Well, that was my question. Like, do you ever... I thought I asked first. Go ahead. Okay.

Taking credit for my question. Go ahead. I just got so excited because I want to know the answer. Yeah, absolutely. I got the answer. Is there infighting between your department and the now parking enforcers? Technically for me, all those tickets have already been issued. So from where I am, I can see all the tickets that were already issued today. So you already know if you've given someone a ticket? Yeah. If I've given them a ticket, then I definitely have to get there to give them the ticket.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. But you have a list of all the tickets you've already given in the past. And we'll give in the future unless they take place in the future of where I'm from. Got it. Yeah. And then I have to travel. I have to travel forward. And that's exhausting. But my question is, yes, what's your question? Because I think our question is actually different. OK. Is is there not are there not people already taking care of people who are parking illegally? Why? Why do we need you? Because those tickets.

have already been issued. So like, okay, can you get a ticket for two weeks ago

Today. That's a fascinating question. You can't. I suppose I could be mailed one. You can't. If you parked illegally two weeks ago, you got the ticket on that day. Okay. So if somebody goes back and travels to that time and they- All of those tickets had already been issued. They've already been issued from my point of view. So I got to be there to issue the new tickets for the past day. Got it. Okay. I'm on board now. All right, great. You were off board? To be honest, I was considering the off ramp.

No, no, no. It's all above board. It's all above board. Stephanie, you have a question? Well, I just, I want to, it feels essential to circle back to the corn dogs. Oh, yes. Yes, thank you. So if you want corn dogs, you can have a bun and know. She doesn't mean hot dogs made out of corn. Oh, okay. What are you talking about? So in the 90s. In the 90s. In the 90s, we have...

Presently. I love seeing anybody else from the biz. It's great. Yeah. You know, it takes one to know one. We have this company hot dog on a stick where people dress in little hats and blue, yellow and red. And they make they serve you corn dogs, which is a hot dog wrapped in corn, corn meal. Yeah. And deep fried. But it is a hot dog, but it's on a stick. OK. And it's a corn bun.

I am sorry to say those do not exist. Wait, question though. Could you get a hot dog? Yeah. Corn dog. Yeah, it would taste like a, you can get a corn dog inside of the hot dog. Right. But you can't get the, unless you're going to buy another hot dog and wrap it around the first hot dog to make it into whatever you were talking about, then no. The dictatorship in 2076 sounds severe. Okay.

It's like a one world government. It's one government. It's not exactly a dictatorship. It's sort of like that in between where we vote, but it doesn't mean anything. You know, like one of those guys. Yeah. But on the other hand, everything was burning. So, you know, like you kind of like grateful for your hot dogs. Yeah. I mean, it sounds kind of grim.

Doesn't it? Sounds just like very meat lanky. Yeah. If everyone has... It doesn't have to be meat. You could have a vegetable hot dog. Do you ever like miss... Well, I guess, do you know anything else? You've never not had... I mean, I've had food from here because I... Oh, right. Yeah, but you don't know what a corn dog is. Well, I haven't...

I haven't gone back to the 90s. You've never been to the 90s? Oh, girl, you have to go. Recently, I have. But also, it sounds like I can't. I have to go to a special store to get this thing. It's a mall. They're everywhere. Yeah. You have to go. They're only available in a mall. Typically next to a Cinnabon. Have you had a Cinnabon? No, I haven't had that either. Or a Wetzel's pretzel? No, none of these foods. You've never been in a mall. I've never. I apparently have never been in a mall. Indoor mall. I've gone shopping in the 90s. I know those things. Where'd you go shopping?

Oh, I went to, it's like Levi's. Sure, yeah, we still have Levi's. Okay, well, I went to one of those. It's crazy. You've got all these different kinds of pants. They do.

What kind of pants do you guys have? We got one kind of pants. Just one kind of pants because of the ship, the streamlining. Everything is streamlined. Again, it makes everybody it's easy. It's kind of like going to you call them a private school. So like everybody got like a like a uniform. Catholic school or something. Yeah. Yeah. Catholic school. Everybody's everybody's wearing the uniforms. But it but it makes it so that you don't know who's rich and who's poor. It's kind of like that. But in the future and you're eating a hot dog. Are there people go forward in time? Huh?

Yeah, I go forward in time. No, sure. But I mean, like people, people who are talking about living. It sounds like you're asking me if people are alive because everybody's going forward in time all the time. I guess we all have our own personal time machines, our bodies. We just move very slowly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What was your question, though? I don't know. Okay. My question is, if it's so bad, it sounds terrible where you're from. No, it's nice. It's nice? It's nice. Eating hot dogs every day? Every meal? Three times a day? Okay. So that's like saying, oh, you've got to eat food three times a day. It's not the same flavor every time. It's just a format. Has anyone died from the hot dog?

No, as far as I know. I mean, like, I don't scour the news looking for, like, how did people die? I just think the hot dog is a particular food stuff that has a very particular shape, which is the shape of a throat. And I would imagine the choking hazards in the future... Okay, hold on a second. Hold on a second. They're still chewing in the future. Wait a minute. There is still chewing in the future. And also...

I think you need to go to a hospital if your throat is exactly a hot dog shape. It's the only food that is exactly shaped like the throat. Is it not?

Some would say it's shaped like other things. You are telling a very strange story about yourself right now. I just want you to know the descriptive details that you are hyper fixated on are a questionable sort. But yeah, is the throat hot dog shaped? I've never heard a doctor say that.

It would be weird if a doctor said that to anyone. It's weird if you said it to anybody. You said it to all of us. Yeah, that's true.

Well, this is I mean, this is fascinating stuff. So are you here to to arrest someone or I don't arrest? That's a time cop. I just issued tickets. OK, are you here to give? Yeah, I'm here for my. So I'm giving this week's tickets for the for the travelers who are here in town and they're parking in the wrong areas. And honestly, in Los Angeles, it's a lot of tickets. So like, you know, after this, I got so many rounds. Do you stay here in real time?

Are you asking me if I'm physically here right now? No, no, no. What I'm saying is, do you give a ticket and jump forward in time to the next ticket so you get it all done? You've heard of real time with Bill Maher? Oh, no. You've never heard of this? I have never heard of that. Okay. Well, I'm sad to hear it doesn't survive the future.

I am from significantly far into the future. So maybe it's still around. I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things. Who knows at this point? But, yeah, so what you're asking me is, do I expend the time travel energy to bounce from car to car in the present for you? So this is, it takes energy? Yeah, time travel is not, it doesn't just like, I'm not like winking. Is this like AI where it takes billions of dollars just to?

to keep this up and running. I mean, it's a significant electrical expense. Do you know what dollars are, by the way? Dollars? Yeah, I know what a dollar is. What is it? It's the cash that you use today. Okay, what do you use? Is this crypto in the future, I'm guessing? No, no. Just Dogecoin?

It's mostly a barter system. Barter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a barter system. Again, really helps when you simplify the economy. So barter system is basically, you know, you go in and you trade something for a hot dog and you get a hot dog back. Like my uniform for a hot dog. But everybody has the same uniform. Yeah, you wouldn't want to do that. Right. But maybe a condiment? Oh, like, oh, what's...

What's that place with the desert that you all do? Joshua Tree? I think you're talking Coachella. Burning Man. That one. It's like that. It's like that with the goggles and all that, except it's really nice. And you just trade whatever it is. Nicer than Burning Man?

I don't know. I've never been, but I've only seen photos and it's dirty as far as I can tell. You got to go. Do I? Oh, yeah. Chris Rock went there once. Not a lot of tickets to issue in Burning Man. Yeah, I can only imagine. Not a lot of drivers. There are no laws there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's great to hear that you're here for this week then. Yeah, I'm here for the week. Do I get a ticket or are you giving me one? No, no, no. You've already got your ticket. I'm not a time traveler. That's right. I forgot. But Stephanie, she's from the 90s.

You know that noise everyone made in the 90s. Is that like an owl or what kind of... Some sort of wildlife creature? It's like, yeah. No, it's a person in the 90s referencing a disco sound of the 70s. Oh, right, because everything's on these 20-year cycles. We have movies. Yeah, do you have movies?

In the future? I don't think so. You don't think so? Are you talking about the big thing on the big screen? Yeah. The silver screen. No, no, no, no. Do you have television? Have they reinvented cable? Yeah. Do you have peacock? I mean, we... Have you heard of the show called Late? I do know what a peacock is and they do survive.

Oh, thank God. So if you're asking me what entertainment is, after this sort of AI bloom that you guys go through in the next 10 years, then entertainment becomes a little bit more artisanal.

And it becomes a little bit like live performance comes into your house and they do a little show. And generally that's, you know, you're trading for something. So you give them something in return. Some hot dogs you might happen to have. Yeah. You have hot dogs in your house. Seems like whoever controls the hot dogs controls the world's economy. The government. Yes. So the government controls the hot dogs. Yes. And they're making you barter. They're not just giving free hot dogs. This doesn't sound like a good government. How would...

Does your economy, does it work just that they give everything away down? I don't think that's how it works now. So it's still capitalism. It,

Or does everything go to the government? Well, everything goes through the government. Yeah. I don't like this. It's not bad. Who pays you? Who pays me? The government. I'm a government worker. You're a government employee. Do you get paid in hot dogs? No, no, no, no. I get paid in barter credits. Well, so there is money. What? For?

I mean, yeah, because I can't spend, I can't barter for things here in the past. You said it was the barter system and they're giving barter credits? This is money. Wait, what is money to you? Money is like an idea, essentially, but it's like a promissory note. Oh, it's like a displaced barter? Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, then we got money. You got money. Okay, good. All right.

Fantastic. Well, look, I'm afraid we have to take a break. But Alexa Melrose, just fascinating here. How many tickets are you going to write this week? Three, four hundred, something like that. Four hundred tickets. Yeah. You got a full plate. It's a popular time. Got a full plate full of hot dogs. We're going to have to take a break. But when we come back, we're going to have a musician. Do you like music? I love music. Yeah. What about you, Shuen Shaw?

I love music. You love music, really? There's the proof of the pudding is right there in the crust. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more with Stephanie Hsu and Zosia Mamet. We'll have more from Alexa Melrose plus a musician. Packed show. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Sasha Mamet. We also have Stephanie Hsu. Hsu and Shaw, of course, as they are more commonly known. We do want to get to know our next guest, though. He has been on the show before. He's a musician and a songwriter. Yeah, I think my PR person might have actually messed up that. Oh, no. What happened? Well, I'm not actually a musician. I'm more of a songwriter. Songwriter. So you don't play music? No, I don't. I'm Elton John, but the other guy.

Bernie Taupin? Right, but I want to be as famous as Elton John. Okay. I wouldn't consider Bernie Taupin to be a musician. Right, exactly. And that's who I am. So if you want to talk to your PR person who books this show, they have made a mistake there. So you're a lyricist.

Yes. I would say I'm an ideas man. I'm a creative. Right. But you want to be as famous as Elton John? Correct. But you don't sing the song? No. You don't perform? I will for the pitch, of course. Anything for the pitch, as we say. Got it. Joey Salsa is here. Hello, Joey. Hi. Great to be here. All right. Joey, last time you were on the show, you came on, you were writing a musical.

That's right, yeah. So I have some failed musicals that I've tried. I had Alexander the Great, not the one you're thinking of, Hamilton. It was about Alexander Hamilton. Apparently there's a whole thing about it. So then I tried to write about my own history, life that I've done, things I lived. I lived in the 90s. I didn't want to pay rent. I wrote about that. Were you saying, ooh,

A lot? Yeah, in the 90s. Yeah, it was in the 90s. So that was in every song. Naturally. Naturally. That's what we did back then. We talked about the 70s in song. And anyway, but you kept saying part of the thing that was maybe throwing me off was that maybe my stepson was writing my music. And you kept saying it's like almost, I think your quote was like, it's almost like these are karaoke tracks.

is what you would often say. Well, it seemed to the untrained ear, and I'm not saying that my ear is trained in the least. But it seemed to me like you were coming in with songs that had already been written from these musicals, karaoke tracks that you were professing to write from shows like Rent and Hamilton, and you were just adding...

kind of your own new lyrics to them. But you're here to say that you're, who is it? My stepson. Your stepson. Yeah. You're married to someone who had a... She left me, but I kept the son. Oh. So, yeah. But, so I think, part of it was, I think... How old is his stepson? He's like, I think in his 20s currently. We're not on the best terms. Well, because I'm not letting him write the music anymore. Okay. And this was kind of, you know, this is our way of getting out of the studio that we live in. And so... So you're getting out of the studio into the studio. Well,

Wow. Can I write that down? Two studio experience. Yeah, yeah. Write it down. Whatever you need to do. It'll eventually, I bet that'll fit eventually in my life. Yeah. And so what I would, I was like, I got to write something new. I'm writing to the music he's giving me. You know? Right. I would write about my time in an orphanage and I had a great time, but he gives me a song. You know, I can't help, but that sounds like it's a hard knock. That's what I wrote. Those are the exact words that I wrote.

I should have wrote like it's a nice time. But the music was leading me. It's hard to write a musical about people just having nice times. Right. True. Fair. Good point. Stephanie, you were on Broadway. Were you not in Spongebob? I was. I was on Broadway twice. Twice. What was the other time? It was Spongebob Squarepants. The musical was my debut. And then a musical called Be More Chill. See, that sounds like a fun, just a nice time.

It's yeah. I mean, did people take their own advice in this musical? Were they more chill or? Well, interestingly enough, it was about a teenager named Jeremy here who finds out about this pill from Japan called the squip. And he wanted to take the pill because it would tell you it would plant a supercomputer in your brain to tell you what to do. And he had a big crush on a girl in his class.

high school and he wanted the right things to say. This sounds like a hot dog situation. Do you have a hot dog like this? It does. That's what I'm saying. It gives you the brain of a computer? What's...

Do I have a hot dog that gives me the brain of a computer? What I'm saying, Alexa, is not that much more ridiculous than what you said. I haven't said anything ridiculous. I've only told truths. Okay. And it sounds to me like you're asking me if somebody can take a pill and put a supercomputer in your brain. Right. Is there a hot dog for this? You don't eat a food to put a computer in your brain now, do you? Well, I mean, apparently there was a pill that did it. Well, a vitamin pill.

It's a form. A computer. A vitamin. It's a form.

Everyone says that now. Yeah, everyone says that now. Vitamins are formed with computers. They sell them at the Apple store. First off, I feel attacked because you're all getting on to me about what a vitamin is, what a hot dog is, and whether it puts a computer in your brain. Just because four other people are on the exact same page, it doesn't mean we're attacking you. You cannot eat a hot dog and have a computer put in your brain where I'm from. Fine. It must be a lost technology because it sounds like you can do it today.

Great. Does this help you at all, Joey Salsa? I actually had two pitches. I'm glad that this too, because the first one you described exactly word for word. That was my original pitch. Oh, really? But I have a second one. You can pivot. Okay. Yes. I'm available. So I was like, if I keep doing things people have done before, how do I guarantee I pitch something that's never been done before? Yeah.

And so what I came up with was take something that's already been done before and then change it a little bit. Right. So everyone like everyone has seen The Wizard of Oz, right? Movie that exists. Everyone agrees that that's a movie that already exists. So what I've done. We got to ask Alexa here. Have you seen The Wizard of Oz? I did. I did see it when it was released. So like in between parking tickets, you just fit in two hours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone came over to your house and performed it in front of you. No, I saw it when it was released. Oh, of course. Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Did you go to the premiere? Part one or part two? Of The Wizard. Wait, there's a part two? There's not a part two of The Wizard of Oz. You're thinking of Wicked, of course. What's that? Sorry. No, I saw part one of The Wizard of Oz in the 30s. I never saw the second one. They never made a part two. In theaters? Yeah, in theaters. Wow. It was so incredible.

Oh, man. Also, lots of tickets being sold. I mean, of movies, not like a parking ticket. You don't sell parking tickets, right? No, you don't sell parking tickets. You give them. You get paid for the parking ticket. I just want to make sure. With barter points. Yes. So if you're like me, when you saw Wizard of Oz, you probably thought, who is this girl having sex with? Right. So what I've done is I've made a whole thing about. Joey, Joey, Joey, back up one second. Yeah.

Who is the scarecrow having sex with? Yeah, when you see Wizard of Oz, right, you're introduced to all the characters. You see him walk down the yellow- I know the Wizard of Oz. Right, okay. So the first one you meet, scarecrow.

Who's that guy sleeping with? Everyone has had that thought. So what I've done is I've taken that thought and I've made a whole musical about that. Okay. So I started, and so this is like The Wizard of Oz, but it's a little different. It's called Who's That Scarecrow Sleeping With? You need a better title. Let me just say right now. Great. You got to punch that out. I'm open. I'm open to punches.

So it starts, we're establishing back, like, this is kind of like before the story a little bit, where, you know, the Wicked Witch is dead by the house, and the elves start coming out. I call them elves. They don't like that, but that's what I mean. They don't care. They don't even like munchkins. You notice it's not really said all that much in Wicked. What's that? Oh, never mind. Anyway, continue with what you're going to say. Okay. Are you sure?

Okay. Am I sure that I, yes. Okay. So anyway, they come out and they're like, good news. The witch, she's dead. You know, come out, come out. Good news. She's dead. The witch of the wits is dead. The wickedest witch there ever was. The enemy of all of his here in us is dead. Good news. Bad news. Kevin broke up with Shilly.

Chili? It's a name then. Bad news. Everyone wanted them to make it work, but it's not going to happen, but that's okay. Good news. Free chocolate cake and ice cream. Bad news. It comes in a bun. Good news. You can remove the bun and eat it the way you want to. Bad news.

I only have two to give away and there's a lot more people than two in line. Good news. All right, Joey, Joey, Joey. I, um, yeah. All right. Let's talk. Let's, let's talk about the good. Okay. Good news. Good news. Yeah.

It's always intriguing to hear a fresh new take on a classic. Wizard of Oz, you know, deconstructing it once again into something new. This is a fresh take. I enjoy that. Thank you. All right. The bad news. Oh, perfect. Thank you. Just constructive criticism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And feel free to join in here and

Or more good news if you want more good. It doesn't have to all be bad. Yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah. Great. But it gets... First of all, I don't think the two things are really equitable of the Wicked Witch being dead and then... Who is it? Kevin breaking up with Shilly? Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Who...

Who's Kevin? Who are Kevin and Chili? Is Kevin the... Oh, it's just, I'm just trying to establish, this is the first, maybe I need to make, this is the first song. So I'm just trying to establish a town. Is Kevin the scarecrow? No, no, no. It's just like, there's a town. These are elves? Yeah, these are elves. So these people are, they're like, oh, that woman's dead. Oh.

also right yes this is like the town crier first he does the headlines then he does the gossip pages but Kevin and Shelly must be important in the town if we're talking about their breakup yeah you'd think so but no they never mentioned again in the whole thing so it's just kind of trying to show like it's almost like a it's because I'm kind of visualizing like a pan shot like a crane and so we're not going to like live in a Broadway show

Well, no, that's the thing. I figured I kept getting busted doing Broadway shows. So let me do a movie. Do a movie first. And then I can't do something that's been done before. One other thing of note that I just want to bring up is it seems to me like you're bringing up in the future that we're all going to be eating hot dogs.

Which I don't know how you knew this. Yeah, I know that is crazy. That is actually crazy that that was in the song. But yeah, that's just like, I guess, creative flow. Sometimes you just start writing and you connect almost into like another world, perhaps. You just start flowing through your pen. What do you think, Alexa? Well, I want to say either.

He just wrote that lyric right now. Or this musical becomes very popular and it becomes so popular that it gives them the idea to do it in the future. Oh, a lot like how on Star Trek, they're communicators with the flips inspired our own flip phones. Exactly. Yeah.

Or like The Little Batch. Right. I actually don't think it's possible for him to have just written that right now. No way. Impossible. Not those lyrics? No way. So then maybe this becomes a huge hit. This could be a huge hit. And then in the future, the One World Government's like, oh, we should do the thing from the song. You're right. Okay. So yeah. Okay. Loving this. And also, this is a longer song. This is just the first part. So pretty quickly, it goes into the second part where we're all establishing that like, no one mourns the wicked.

No one cares, they won't return. No one lays a lily on their grave. No one mourns the wicked, except for this one guy named Brian. He's always at home mourning the wicked. If you call Brian on a Tuesday and you say, what are you doing? He'll say, morning, Ronald Reagan. Okay, okay. Wait, wait, Ronald Reagan? Do they have Ronald Reagan in Oz? Yeah.

Yeah, in this one. Yeah, there's a whole list. We go through a lot. We start strong. Is this the United States Ronald Reagan or is this a munchkin Ronald Reagan? They prefer the term elf in this version. This actually, no, this is, I think they're talking about the Ronald Reagan. It's like a statement, I think. I think, I actually know I'm making a statement.

You are the writers. Yeah. Yeah, you would know whether you are. I'm making a statement. And so I start strong with that one to kind of get them to go like, whoa, he's wicked. And then I keep, and I just like list a bunch of people that, and then like what he's doing on his day. And like, I'm in a band with this guy, Brian. And I'm like, what should we name the band? Of course, he wants to name them more than the wicked. And it's like, is that the only thing you do, Brian? You know, again. Mr. Salsa, I do have a question. Great. So you were saying that you're a huge fan of The Wizard of Oz. Yes. Big time. Yes. So, and

Am I mistaken that this is sounding a lot? Have you seen Wicked? What? What's that? What did you say? What's that one? Wicked. Like the intro that John Travolta gave at the Tonys that won you? The wickily talented? Yeah, it's Adele Dazeem. Yeah, that's a what? It was a play on words because Adele Dazeem

who I, as far as I'm concerned, should have rebranded as Adele Dazeem immediately after that, because it's the best thing to ever happen. Yeah. But she was being called wickedly talented because she starred in a Broadway musical called Wicked, which is based upon The Wizard of Oz. Oh my gosh. And a lot of these songs sound eerily similar to Wicked songs. You're saying I did it again.

Not in the way that I would say like, wow, you did it again. Like more of a you did this again. Because when I get the idea, I just I zone in on the idea. I just I get away from media. I get away from news. I get away from my stepson who's like, where's the food? You know? Yeah. And so you've got to feed your stepson. Yeah. He's in his 20s for to be fair to me. Yeah. Well, true. Yeah. He's staying with you. Yeah. Yeah. OK. And I did promise him food.

Okay. All right. Well, maybe you have some different songs. Maybe it's veered off into a totally different direction. The intro, I'm sure, because yes, the intro is probably, that's how you're going to establish the story. Everyone's going to have those songs, right? But as you get into it later, so my whole thing is there's two different witches who are trying to sleep with the scarecrow, right? So at first, these are not friends in my version. Not sure about the thing you're talking about, but in my version, they're not friends. And then one of them, they become friends and one of them's like, I'm going to help you out.

Okay. This is, yeah, this is almost beat for beat minus the scarecrow. Okay. All right. Beat for beat. What happens in wicked? So, um, so anyway, so one of them's like, um, she's decides to help her. She's like, you will be popular.

You're going to be popular. I'll teach you the proper pose when you talk to boys. Little ways to flirt and flout. Yeah. Why is that? That's your version. Why is that? That's a rewrite. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's how I say those words. In the original, it's poise and boys. Oh, okay. Yeah. But I like pose and pose. I'm glad we're already making differences. You're already diverging. Yeah. Ever so slightly. Yes. Little ways to flirt and flout. Ooh. Popular.

There was a study recently about popular and all the kids in all the schools. The one factor that was the same was the people who say hi to the most kids in the hallway actually have the most friends because then people are saying hi back to you. And so that's actually how you become popular. And there's another study about popular. All right, Joey, Joey, Joey.

You've basically taken this song from Wicked and made it incredibly worse. Okay. You know what this reminds me of? What's that? It's like kind of the way that we get the alert that something has been parked in the wrong area. How do you get the alert? Well, something will change. Oh, okay. Like you'll be like, oh, everything's normal.

and then all of a sudden like a building is different. You're like, uh-oh, I got to go back and figure out who's parked where. Really? So someone parks in the wrong place and a whole building just changes? Yes, the butterfly effect except it's a parking enforcement effect. What were you going to say, Zosia? No, it's the same question. Like, wow. We're on the same page. I'm just going to think again about if parking in the wrong spot. Exactly, yeah. But that's what this reminds me of. It feels like

This is this is feels like a different like some somebody parked in the wrong area. And now and now Wicked sounds like this. I just think that this song is better without all the statistics about recent studies. OK.

Okay, yeah, because I get into a study that's actually kind of sad after that. So a good place to cut in. I want to know what the sad study is. Oh, well, it's actually just a true study. It's like popular boys who mature faster are looked at as leaders, where girls who mature faster are looked at sexualized and get in drugs and alcohol and drop out at higher rates in school. I don't think there's a lyric in this at all. It's just a truth thing. It's not super cathartic.

yeah no that's the part that one i am trying to make another lesson this is another point i'm trying to make in that one about popular do you have another song i did yeah i got well because we got to end it right we got to get to the end and i'm choosing only done two songs at this point i'm worried that you're cutting right to the end okay well no but i'm also glad okay great yeah again because i think like the middle stuff is like i got stuff there's like a you know there's a goat who teaches classes and it's like what's up with that guy that's wicked and

Okay. Well, I don't know what to tell you. It's in mine as well. And so we got to have a big thing. And then actually, when I say it's the ending, it's actually really more like the middle. Or it's probably like the two-third part, but most of the best songs are in this part. And then there is going to be another part that not as many good songs are in there. Enough qualifiers. Okay. So it's going to get a big thing. And all of a sudden, she's got a broom in her hand. She's never touched a broom before. This is important. And she's like, it's time to try.

Defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity because it's four o'clock and that's the witching hour. I haven't had lunch, but I need to try to defy

my gravity. If it was 3.30, that's 30 minutes too early to try, try, try gravity. And if it's 4.30, that's a little late because parents are coming home from work. But 4 p.m. is the perfect time to try to fly the gravity ghost because then it is the time I try to fly away. And then it ends up, there's a note at the end where she's like, phone!

I can't hit it. But again, that's why I'm more of not, I'm not Elton John, you know, I'm Bernie, but it would be like four o'clock, you know, something like that. Ah,

Yes, that's it. Did I just find my Elton John? I thought you wanted to be Elton John. Yeah, but I mean, you can be the one who sings the songs, but then you'd be the Bernie and then I could be the Elton John. I honestly, I just stole the riff from Wicked. Yeah, the aforementioned Adele Dazeem. This is crazy. This is the song she sings. This is what, this is like her signature song. Every time I write about my life,

I write about when I was a con man pretending to be a music man in small towns and that's been done before. By the way, do you think the parents buy the instruments in the music man? Yeah, they did.

But through Harold Hill, right? Yeah. This is settling an argument. And, you know, because it's like 76 trombones led the big parade. And that's way too many trombones because it's a small town. Too many for a small town. And 110 clarinets? Right. I don't even want to hear that many clarinets. I maybe want to hear three. I know. We've got like one kid left to do drums. And it's like, no one won trumpet? Why everyone's... One kid, the popular kid, picked a trombone. In any case, I don't mean to get off on this, but our main point is this song is in Wicked. Okay. Yeah.

Well, I guess I'm screwed again. I'm sorry. Yeah, I just there are too many similarities to Wicked with this. I think, Joey, you you

again you've done it again but in a bad way well i my son did write one he did give me music for one song it's like about how they both like the scarecrow if you if you if you have it this is um yeah i you sent me this this piece of music you want me to play this yeah this is for it and your son-in-law this this is this is a song he made all right they're both talking about the scarecrow and one of them yeah well it explains all right all right let's hear this then

So one of them likes the scarecrow, but the other one's actually with the scarecrow. And so this is one of the witches singing about the other scarecrow and kind of dealing with her feelings towards how she feels about the scarecrow. So that's what this song is all about. I would have rather just heard the intro music.

I wanna suck, I wanna fuck, I wanna suck him. I wanna fuck, I wanna suck, I wanna fuck him. I wanna take him off that pole and flip his butt around and put my butt next to his butt. I just invented that. That's right, get these crows all away from him. I wanna suck, I wanna fuck, I wanna fuck him.

You've brought this song every time you've been on the show. This is the Hamilton song. I'm just trying to repurpose because it's such a good song. I'm just trying to find a place for it and everything that I write. Joey, no, I'm sorry. This is terrible. You've done it again in a bad way. Feel free to come back and keep trying. Thank you.

All right. Well, guys, we are running out of time, I'm so sorry to say, but we only have time for one final feature. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Something in the plugs you plug Attracts me like no other sponsor Something in We want to support you now Go on and tell us how

Ooh, beautiful. That was Something in the Plugs by Shane LaRue. Thank you to Shane LaRue. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload it. This is where, of course, you'll find all of our recent stems for the remixes that you are free to submit. Head over there and submit it and you can be famous for a week. And Shane LaRue, you are indeed famous this week only. All right, guys, what do we want to plug? Sean Chu, do you want to plug separately? You want to plug together?

I'm still imagining the scarecrow being fucked. Yeah, exactly. As if it were a corn dog was honestly what was in my mind when you were talking about... Wait, you fuck corn dogs? Removing it from the pole. Yeah, I'm willing to work with you. I think we are on the same page on a lot of this stuff here. Well, what are we plugging here, Shu and Shaw? Obviously, Laid is on PNL.

Peacock right now, all eight episodes, I call them episodes for some reason, are up right now. People can watch this. It's a very funny show, very intriguing. People die in it, which is fun if you're into that. What else? Anything else to plug here? What else is coming down the old pike?

I literally all I can think about right now is sandwiches. Promote sandwiches. Promote your favorite sandwich. You should start a sandwich shop or you should be like Danny DeVito and doing Jersey Mike's or whatever. And like, you know, doing commercials. Oh yeah, he is doing commercials. I think the sandwich lobby doesn't know that you are such a huge fan. Once word gets out. Let's tell them. You're going to get, you're going to be raking in the sandwiches. I just want to be eating one right now. And the barter points. That's really all I care about.

Yeah. Stephanie, do you have anything to plug here? If I could be like Zosia and have a sandwich deal, my version of a sandwich endorsement is to be the face of Diva Cups. Diva Cups? What are Diva Cups again? I can take this one. Okay, yes. Joey? Plug away. Can you do it in song? Sure. You want me to play this song again for you? All right, here you go.

Some of you know tampons, some of you know pads. Perhaps there's another thing that you don't know that can be helpful. It's called a Diva Cup, and this is a little something that you might want to use. Ahem.

You want to pinch it in the corners of the diva cup. You want to insert the diva where the other things go that I mentioned before, but this is a little different. We'll catch and change it out once a day, I think, maybe a little bit more than that at some times. And you put it in the pan and to clean it, you boil it off. If it's plastic, I've seen it done like that.

That's a diva cup. Maybe from your response you don't do that, but that's the way I've seen it done. But maybe it's because someone gave another one, a free one, to a friend.

Wow. Is that pretty much summed up? That's hot. That you know that. That's erotic. Wow. I love you got in there with some backup. Well, I've been trying to land this endorsement deal. Okay. So Shu and Shaw, they want to be out there doing ads for Diva Cups and sandwiches. Maybe there's a. Oh, is there a cross pollination? Maybe there's a double business. It's like if a Diva Cup and a sandwich became a hot dog.

Yes. Sponsored by Shoe and Shaw. Wow, I love this. And Adidas. Alexa, anything you want to plug here? Yeah, there's a movie that comes out 30 years from now that I absolutely love. Oh, okay. It stars a little mushroom was talking in a polar bear and it is just the best movie I've ever seen. I don't know that I'm going to be alive. You guys, you guys, guys,

see this movie. I'll try. Peapop will try. What's it called? It's called Chucky's Adventure and it is just fantastic. Which one of them is Chucky? The little mushroom guy. The mushroom guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fantastic. I want to plug that movie. It is amazing. Okay, great. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

And Joey Salsa, anything you want to plug? Well, my stepson's getting into improv. There's this group, Holy Shit Improv. He really likes, he watches them. They post all their shows online. They perform at Dynasty and UCB here in LA. And they're going to be at the Fringe in Scotland again this year. They tour the country. And they're also doing a new thing where they sit down with improvisers, watch a show they've done, and talk to them about the choices they made on stage. So if you're interested in improv, you can check that out. They're like, oh, I didn't like I did that. Or why was I wearing that shirt? You know, fun stuff like that. I would think with improvisers, it would

be them just going like oh god why did I do that the entire show there's been occasionally people who love their choices okay that's the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to improv people yeah so people love every choice they ever make so there's a little bit on both a little bit of both you can check that out the patreon.com slash holy shit improv okay that's great I want to plug I mentioned CBB world go over there for we have so many great shows not only the full archive of

of this show, every episode we've ever done, all the live tour that we did. We did 43 live episodes in 2024. You can check out all of those. And so many great shows like Hey Randy with Randy Snuts and Who Me with the Batman and College Town, The Neighborhood Listen. So many shows over there. Go check it out. Also, I am still writing the Astonishing Spider-Man comic for Marvel that comes out every week. You can get that on the Marvel app. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open the vlog bag, dude! You gotta open the vlog bag. Open the vlog bag. Open the vlog bag. Open the vlog bag. Open the vlog bag. Open the vlog bag. Open the vlog bag. Please don't close and be rude!

Ooh, very nice. That was our first plug remix of the year. That was The Plug Child by Vic Freeze. Vic Freeze, thank you. That was gorgeous. All right, guys. Thank you so much. This is a lovely show. I got to thank Shu and Shaw first off the bat. Thank you so much. Continued success to you. I hope that we get another season. I hope you've slept with more guys. Enough for a season two.

And in your personal life, I hope you look, I hope everyone slept with everybody. I'm not going to lie.

Honestly. Well, after that Diva Cup song. Is it a daily thing or twice a day thing? When you're having a heavy flow, it's recommended twice a day. Wonderful. These are things I got to know if I'm going to be a peep up. But thank you so much, Sasha, Stephanie. So wonderful to have you both on. I hope you join the esteemed two timers club at some point. This was so fun. Thank you for having us. And then Alexa Melrose.

So wonderful to have you. Thank you so much. I don't care where you park in the present, but be careful where you park in the past. All right, Joey, it's great to have you back. Thank you. And you wanted to take us out with one final song. I'll do a Jennifer Hudson cool down if you got me. Okay, yeah, here we go. I think we have this music. Okay, great. So this is a song about, so there's these two witches in my musical, right? One of them likes the,

guy and then the other one likes the guy. And so this is kind of like where one of them is already with him and the other one's writing this song about like, so I wanna fuck, I wanna suck, I wanna fuck him. Alright, we'll see you next time. Thank you. Goodbye. I wanna fuck, I wanna fuck, I wanna fuck my friends. I'm a lion and a bat. I'm a lion and a bat.

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