Zach Galifianakis, Charlie McCrackin, Lisa Gilroy
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A man, a plan, a canal, Panama? More like con man, no plan, a band, Iowa.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hmm. Thank you to Grok the Good Witch. Grok the Good Witch for that catchphrase submission. Don't know if that's going to stick. It's a little long, but the hunt continues. But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have an exceptional show today. We have an actor.

slash hyphenate, I would say. We'll just call him a hyphenate. No, I'm talking about you. Oh. Are you as impressed now? No. Okay. Not at all. We have a hyphenate. We have an inspector, a police inspector. We also have a paganist on the show. So a lot of great people on the show today. But let's talk to the hyphenate first. Let's see how many parts of this hyphenate

we can come up with. We have actor, we have comedian, father, husband, social critic, social critic, um,

Scrabblist? Scrabblist. Raconteur? Yeah. You've told me at least one story. Yep. I think you stole it from Aesop's Fables, but I'm not sure. Gardner. Gardner, that's right. You're the constant Gardner. I like the Gardner. Although you take breaks. Sometimes. You're the semi-constant Gardner. I can't be that constant. That's right. Because growing season's not that long. That's true. Are we in the middle of growing season right now? No. We'll take a look down here. Anyway...

Let's welcome him. You know him as the...

star the titular hangover i've done other things in the hangover trilogy he also apparently has done other movies that is a surprise to me please welcome zach alif and akka's back to the show hello zach thanks scott for having me wonderful to have you do is it a prerequisite to be familiar with the show to participate well you have been on it approximately i'm gonna guess 10 times probably

And you were on the TV show five times, once a season. Really? That's right. So when you asked me why Weird Al was on the poster that I have over here, it confused me because you were on an episode with him. Yeah. You know, when you've done so many projects over the years that it's hard. No, I do now remember Weird Alby.

in there now that you say that yeah that was a lot of fun it was a good time yeah nice man a very nice man very very nice man and uh you as a man are you're in the ballpark of being nice yeah which is where you want to be if you're playing baseball uh sure like imagine you get a job playing baseball you you get up in the morning you brush your teeth uh you wash your pits and

You get dressed in your outfit, your little baseball outfit. You drive your Camaro or whatever you're driving to work. You step out of work. You look around. You realize you're in an office building. You're not in a ballpark. There's a long way to go for what point?

You're in the ballpark of being nice. Very good. That's where you want to be. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Zach, you came here with nothing to promote. You have no projects. You have nothing on the horizon, you were telling me. You're semi-retired, perhaps. I mean, there are a couple things that I have working, but I don't know when they come out. You don't know when they come out? Well, one of them I know comes out in May. In May? Yes. We're not that far off from May. What are we talking about here?

movie. Movie! Yeah, I haven't seen it, so I don't... I'm making the rectangle with my thumb and forefingers. You're not a talent... You're a talent scout on the side? That's right. I'm doing an aspect ratio thing. I get this a lot. This is how it was discovered. Someone just put the rectangle up to your face. I gotta have this kid.

What is this movie? Tell us about it. Well, now that you bring it up. It's a remake because this town is out of ideas. Okay. Talk into the mic. It's called Lilo and Stitch. Oh, that's right. Lilo and Stitch, a favorite in our household. Have you seen it? Yes, of course. I saw it opening weekend, then I've seen it recently because as a family, we watch it sometimes. Huh. I've never seen it. Never seen it. So you didn't do any research at all? I didn't want to...

Work, I didn't want to I didn't want to bruise my performance by seeing the original. Yeah, I wanted to keep it Are you a lot like Christopher Walken who crosses out all of the punctuation in his lines? He does he doesn't want anyone telling him how to say the word I saw a headline that he's never had a cell phone interesting. Yeah, that was a fine one. No, I think it's smart I think it's smart. I don't just a big in a box with a big bow on it to Christopher from Zack you have other guests. I

I do, but I love talking to you. Oh, okay. Keep going. That's right. So you're in Lilo and Stitch. You play, I think you were telling me you're one of the aliens, right? Yes. Like the captain? His name's Jumbo. Are you the one Kevin McDonald played or the other one? Which is the heavier one? Yeah, the other one.

Is this a green screen kind of thing? Scott, great question. Great question. Thank you so much. It's both. It's animated and it's also live action. So your character gets animated, but you also see the human version of me. So were you ever wearing the mocap suit with all the ping pong balls on it and all that kind of stuff?

I don't think so. No, I don't think I ever wore that. No, I don't think I did. So you just showed up to work in street clothes. And they're like, he's as fat as the character. We're good. Well, this is exciting. Lilo and Stitch comes out in May. This is going to be a huge, huge movie, I think. Good. Yeah. And you need one, quite honestly. We've been wanting one. Let's check out this resume. What's been going on with Zach recently?

Let's see. I didn't know this was part of this. Yeah, let's check out. I mean, I have other things in my life that are not business related that I'm more proud of. Well, we'll get to personal life. Oh. Filmography. That's a long interview already. 2024, something called Winner, and Thelma the Unicorn. That's it? That's it.

2023, The Beanie Bubble. That's it? That's it. Yeah. 2022. Everything's come to a screeching halt. The Bob's Burgers movie, which I assume is a cameo. Yeah. 2021, Ron's Gone Wrong. Yeah. Remember that one? These are all children's movies. Yeah. Except for, I mean...

We need a hit. We need a hit. We need a hit bad. You sound exactly like me when I look in the mirror in the morning. You know what you were really great in, though? And I haven't talked to you about this, but... Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang, yes. But only murders in the building. You were in this last season. I thought you added some incredible levity to what could be a very scary show with so many murders taking place. Yes. You were sort of the comic relief of that.

Okay. I've barely had any lines. You were very funny. I thought the montage of you with Martin Short was a lot of fun. You know him? Have you met him? I've never met him. He's one of my favorites. Beautiful man. Yeah. Beautiful man. Really? It was fun working with him. Tell us some stories about Steve and Martin. I'm private that way. You're private? Really? You don't want to tell any stories? Do you want to tell stories about just, do you want to just recap some of their movies? Sure. Yeah. Tell us the plot to The Jerk. Well, Martin Short's not in The Jerk.

All right, Three Amigos. Okay, Three Amigos is about these, I think, in Mexico it's called Trace Friends. So do you want the Mexican version? I want the Mexican version, yes. It's about three dudes that work at a costume shop, and then they go to Mexico with their costumes or something like that. It's been a long time since. Martin Short and Steve Martin were very fun to work with. I could tell Martin Short was trying to make me

not say my lines correctly so people would get- - He was trying to crack you up or? - So people would get mad at me.

And because I told him, can you please not make faces when I'm doing my lines? Because I'm messing up. He goes, oh, I know. It was it was very funny. So a lot of a lot of the bigger stars are the stars of a show won't even be there for for coverage. I've heard that before. I've never experienced that. Do you stick around for it? I would love if I could find somebody with my size head to do my reverses.

But really, it's a head issue, a head size issue for you. Yeah, we put a wig on Michael Dukakis once while he had the helmet on still and still wasn't big enough. So Martin Short trying to crack you up. That's a dream come true. Yeah, he was very funny, obviously. Yeah, it's a very funny season. It's you and Eugene Levy and Eva Longoria playing fictional movie star versions of the trio.

And these guys are people who have starred in movies themselves, so it's all so metatextual. Was it ever difficult to figure out exactly what was happening on the set? Like, who am I? Am I Martin Short? Am I me? Hmm. I've never thought about that until now. Yeah. Do you think you got it right every single time? Nope. Nope.

I've never gotten anything right in front of the camera. Can you tell... A lot of questions. These two are going to get as much questions. We're getting to the other guests on the show. I'm uncomfortable with the... I feel like I've told this story on some podcast, but I'd love to hear it from your version because he's no longer with us. Of course, he worked with Louis Anderson, who a lot of people I know...

were great friends with and I went to a birthday party for one of your children once and Louie did something very funny do you recall what it was

Well, Louie showed up the wrong day. He showed up the wrong day as well? Yeah, he showed up. Well, one birthday party he showed up and no one was there. And it was the first time I'd had a nap in seven years. And I never forget it because I hear, oh, it's not today from the front door. And I was like, is that Louie at my front door? But I don't know about the other party. The other one I remember coming to, and this was the right day, and there was a face painting station. Oh.

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. He got painted as a lion or something? Yes. He was first in line. Uh-huh. And to paint his face, it took an hour. And all the kids behind him were in line, really upset. Oh, he was such a beautiful dude. He got his face painted as a lion and then just walked around never mentioning it to anyone. I vaguely remember that now. He was such a sweetheart. He really, really was. Great.

Great guy. Great show. Baskets. But that was honestly, that was 2016 to 2019. We need a hit. We need it. We need a hit like that one.

We need a hit. A basket-sized hit. We need a hit. We need a hit. We got to figure this out. I'm looking at your TV resume. 2016 bajillion dollar properties created by my wife. Of course, you're very funny in that. I never saw that. You never saw it? You're very funny. I've never seen it. Yeah, we'll show it to you. I feel like I hit myself in the face a bunch of times for that. Oh, fun. Yeah.

Do you remember what part you were? Oh, no, you were playing yourself. That's right. I was? Yeah, you were selling your house and Dana Dude came by to be the real estate agent for your own house or something like that. It was very funny. Ryan... Ryan? Ryan Gall. Yes, he was in the cast. Yes. From the Between Two Ferns movie. Yes. Maybe the last notable thing on your resume. Who? You talking about Ryan? But we need a hit and that is coming because Lilo and Stitch comes out...

What I'm reading is it comes out May 23rd. This is right before Memorial Day. This is Memorial Day weekend, I believe. So this is a huge, huge movie. We have Billy Magnuson from Into the Woods and Game Night. We have Tia Carrere from Wayne's World. But we have Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lasso. He's so nice, isn't he, Ted Lasso?

We love him. The guy that plays him. We love him for being nice. The character. Yeah. We love him because he's so nice, don't we? Yep. We love a nice, nice coach, don't we? Yep. We want our coaches to be nice, don't we? Why did I say yes? Well, I mean, it's just like I could just text no. That's true. No, you felt like you owed me for some reason. Yeah, I do. I don't know why. I do owe you. We also have the gallerist coming up. Oh, this is exciting. We have Jenna Ortega and Natalie Portman.

A thriller directed by Kathy Yan. Oh my gosh, this sounds amazing. Tell us about this. Charlie XCX is in this? She plays my girlfriend. Your girlfriend? Really? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I didn't know. I don't know who she is still. Did you read the script? No, I know she does, but I didn't see her do it, but she's got cast. But I don't know about her. I don't know anything about her. Wait, have you not filmed this yet? Yeah, just got back from filming it. So you just got back from filming it. You never saw her play your girlfriend. No.

All right. Well, let me tell you how movies work, Scott. They shoot you out because you have a busy schedule. Do you know Charlie XCX? I've never met her, no. I really enjoy her music. Is she known? Yes. Do people know her music? She's brat. I know that. I just don't... I'm 55. I'm not supposed to know who she is, right? Well, the cutoff, yeah, is 50. You're supposed to know who Dred Zeppelin is. Do you know who that is? You don't know who Dred Zeppelin is? I would imagine that's a...

Led Zeppelin cover band? It's a Led Zeppelin cover band who plays reggae versions of Led Zeppelin songs with an Elvis impersonator as their lead singer. I am so sorry that you didn't get sent the link to the documentary. Am I too young or too old to know that? You were supposed to get the documentary on your 50th birthday. No, I didn't get it. I'm so sorry. I'll get this sent to you. Don't worry. You know, I was in a cover band once. Really? What was it? We were called The Pretenders.

Going to the act. Oh, is that in the act? I'm going to put it down. Are you doing stand-up? Oh, God. It's, yeah, I have tried. Well, you've been out there working on a new hour for approximately 17 years. No, no. When was the last one you put out? 2000.

2008, probably, or 7. Talk into the mic, Zach. 2006, 7, or 8. I don't know. 2008 or so. We are now in 2025. We need another stand-up special. We need a stand-up special, and we need a hit. Yeah. We need to get your corner back on track. A lot of pressure. Can I manage you? I'm not that interested in the whole thing.

You're not interested in what I can offer you? What can you do to get the rust off the career? First of all, I can't get anyone on the phone. I barely got messages back from you. I'm now regretting it immensely. So that's out. But I am willing to just use a lot of shoe leather.

I'm willing to walk around. You're ready to hit the pavement. Hit the pavement. I'm willing to walk around outside of these buildings, you know, all the agencies and all the movie studios. Well, you know, I...

I flyer the Third Street Promenade with my headshot every other weekend. See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school show business. That's what you are. That's what I am. These kids want to tweet and Instagram their stuff. Is that what they do? I don't even know what people do. Nowadays, they call it X. X.com. X. X, yeah. Yeah. They're ruining the world, all that Silicon Valley, that whole ilk. What a unique opinion. Is it not? Is it? Is that? Is that?

I don't think people talk about it at all. You don't think people are talking about this? Do people talk about how they're ruining everything? I'll have to check. I don't listen to podcasts, as you know. Especially...

But see, this is what I don't like. You come on the show and you say you don't listen to podcasts. You should you should lie and say you listen to this podcast. I've never listened to this podcast. Why not? I have other things to do. I don't know how people sit around and listen to podcasts. What do you have to do that's so important? Errands. What are you going to Party City? What kind of errands are we right before I got here? I went and got a battery fob.

It took me 25 minutes to get it out of the package. So that eats up a lot of time, and I can't listen to a podcast while I'm dealing with a battery fob. Yeah. I mean, we should mention that you are a very low IQ individual. So you got my text. Yeah. Yeah. Also, low T.

Low testosterone? Yeah. Yeah. High E. What is the E? Estrogen. So you're working through a lot, so you don't have time. My IQ is probably low. Do a lot of people... No, I should say, I...

I'm not very educated, but I might have some wisdom. You went to some college, did you not? I was a film minor in an agriculture school, like at a farming school. Right.

Not necessarily the greatest film school, but what was your major? You were a film minor. Communications. Communications. And then I never graduated. Well, you're talking right now. So you, I mean, you have some sort of a handle on it. Right now we're having a dyad. Thank you so much. So, I mean, if you had to guess, keep in mind this is a scale of 1 to 200, what do you think your IQ is? And then can we get it tested? 200 being the highest? 200 is the highest. 198, I guess. Yeah.

So you're knocking two points off just because you went to film school and agriculture school. For modesty. How do they test IQs? I think they ask you a bunch of questions. I've never had it done. Like math? Maybe they ask you 200 questions and they just count one point for each one. I have no idea. Would you ever take one? I would take one. I think you and I should go together. I bet I have more common sense, but I bet your IQ is higher.

You think you have more common sense than I do? Yes. In what subject? Life. Just in life? Okay. Yep. But you think that my... I bet you're... Book smarts. You probably have a better education than I do. Where'd you go to school? San Francisco State? No. I went to acting school. Oh. Then I'm much better than you. Never mind.

I take everything back. I really want to do this together. I think you and I should go test our IQs and have a competition. Wouldn't it be amazing if one of us had a really high IQ? That would be crazy. I think I think. Do they do it past our ages? Or do they have to do it when you're young? I wish there were other people here to chime in. I don't know. We're going to look into this. Do you edit this? No. Our editing machine broke like about 12 years ago. Before we go on, and I feel like I always ask you this. How many people listen to this?

I mean, honestly, are we talking during five people during a fiscal year? Yeah. During the fiscal year. OK. Well, like, OK. Oh, wait. We have the numbers in Scott. And I'm sorry to tell you that Zach, when.

Yeah. We got 16 people to listen. I don't know. And three of them were his aunts. I think that might be generous. I have no idea if people are listening. I really don't. There's no Nielsen. We asked the Nielsen family, hey, do you want to listen to a podcast? And they were all like, we're too busy watching TV. But there's no counting of this. Oh, okay. They don't do numbers that low.

Okay. Yeah. But you get, honestly, it's probably hundreds of thousands of people, right? I have no idea. How many people saw your movie Winner? You know what? I don't read the trades. This might really surprise you. Except when I go to the dentist, they're there. In the dentist's office, really? Yeah. Where you live?

No, not in Canada. I go to the dentist here. Oh, okay. Oh, you only go to U.S. dentists. Right. I get it. No, I go to Canadian dentists too, but that's where I see the trades. They're too nice to tell you if you have a cavity there. Canadians are nice. They're nice. That's why I made that joke. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for catching up. They have another side to them.

Oh, okay, because you're married to one. No, I'm just saying I've lived up there for a number of years. People are more complicated than we think. Well, you're back on our shores. We love you here. You're one of our... The United States is... And our states are united. You're one of our greatest movie stars. Segwayed into TV, did Baskets. Can I really ask you? Do people really hate Silicon Valley? The show or the... No, the culture, what they're doing. I think they like the show. But what they're...

What they're doing to the rest of the world. Do people really like you were you were being sarcastic, but I really do want to know. I don't hear people complain about it. You're up in Canada. They don't even have Silicon Valley. Where is Canadian Silicon Valley? Really? Do people really legitimately like sit around and go, are there podcasts going? They're ruining everything. Yes. Oh, there are. Oh, by who? Because I like to listen. Everybody. Really? Like, give me specifics.

I'm not sitting around collecting data on podcasts. Well, your energy seems like you could come off with one podcast as I rate it. The News. The News.com. The News does not know. The News loves it. The Fourth Estate, you're right, does tend to prop up these villains. Of course. But no, there's a very large anti-billionaire contingent out there that talks about how social media was a blunder and an oopsie.

Yeah, and everybody's been duped. Yes, exactly. So we don't need you... But is it all old people saying it, or are there any young people saying it yet? I think everyone's over 50 saying it. Yeah, that doesn't count. Everyone under 50 doesn't care. Yeah, that doesn't count. Yeah, who's it going for in the last election? Who? A pro.

Zach Galifianakis is here. Pierre Palliev is who I voted for. Did you get to vote up there? That's so fun. No, I don't vote up there. I'm not a thing. Canada's strict. Yeah, they're really strict. They are. They're kind of

I like America's policy with that better. Do they give you trouble when you're... Oh, the policy where anyone, even if they're dead, can vote? No, just more open arms to immigration. Do they give you a hassle when you go up there? Yes, I had a hassle. Every single time? Nope, but the last time I tried to drive in, they flagged me. They flagged you for what? They just said, you go in and out a lot. What is your status? Did you high-five them after they said that? I said, I'm single. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Zach Galifianakis is here. We need a hit, but one is on the horizon. Lilo and Stitch comes out Memorial Day weekend. This is very exciting. We need to take a break, Zach. When we come back, we are going to have an inspector. We're going to have a paganist. This is an exciting show. What do you think, Zach? Do you see the buyer's remorse on my face? You're wearing a sweatshirt that says caveat emptor.

We need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Zach Galifianakis. We'll have more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy, we're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they are going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand,

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Atlantic Union Bank. Any way you bank. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Zach Galifianakis is here. Lilo and Stitch is the lifeline to his career that is coming up, and he imagines a mighty big payday coming his way. What's that? Get by the mic. I don't want... I'm not... I'm not interested in... You're not interested in money? No, but...

Hello, sorry to interrupt. Oh, hey. Relief. I just came. I'm from actually the IQ department. Oh, wait. We were just talking about we both want to take an IQ test. Oh, were you? Well, I heard you talking about it, and so I just wanted to come in and give you a sample question. Oh, okay. And whoever gets it right has the higher IQ. Can we write down our answers, or do we need to buzz in and be first? Yeah, is it like a fast thing?

Okay, I'm already registering some things about what the IQ might be in the room. Okay, so high, pretty high at this point. Sure, sure. Because we asked really good questions. Yes, good questions. Yes, why don't you go ahead and write your answers down? Or at least think, yeah, I don't trust Zach.

You should write it down, Zach. I want to hear the question first. Okay. You want me to write down the question? And I'll only say it once. Oh, wow. Okay. And I'm going to read it directly as it's written on the internet. Is the test administered orally all the time? Anally. Oh, okay. Got it. Carpenter, colon. Is to. Is what that means. Furniture, colon, colon. Cobbler, colon, question mark.

A, title. B, pot. C, frame. D, shoe. I'm locked in. Pot. Now you're trying to high five me because you said pot? Yeah. Scott, please turn your board over. D, shoe. The correct answer is shoe. Goodbye. Goodbye. Wait, she just floated up into the air. The clues were what? Carpenter? A cobbler works on shoes. Yeah. Yeah.

A cobbler. You didn't say carpenter? A carpenter works. She's gone. She floated off into space. Did the British lady say carpenter? She did, yes. Carpenter is to furniture as cobbler is to... Oh, I wasn't... Paying attention? Partly was paying attention. That's going to hurt you during the test. On paper, I would have gotten that one. We have to do this. Do you know the capital of Canada? Of course you don't. No, why would I know something like that? Do you know the capital? Of course you don't. No. I know...

I'm back. I heard that there was a dispute about the last question. Question number two. What is the capital of Canada? First to buzz in gets it. Yes. Ottawa. Correct. Higher IQ established. Thank you. You can't count Canadian questions. Those don't count. Ask any geographical question. Ask anything worldly. Any geographical question. Okay, what? Bhutan. Do they now...

You're right. Damn. When he's right, he's right. Thank you. We gotta have a face-off on this. We gotta have a showdown on this IQ showdown. Can we make an episode about this? Who has the highest IQ? Yeah, yeah. Say it's out in Santa Monica. As long as we can also match it with life trivia, that kind of thing. Tell you what, why don't we do a triathlon? We'll do IQ test.

We'll do some sort of street smart test. Like we'll go out to the streets of downtown L.A. and just see like who can handle themselves better. Right. Well, that give me a break on that one. Yeah, you'll win that one. Sure. And then we'll do like some sort of physical drop off in the woods. Yeah. Type test. OK, let's do that. You sure you can. I don't think you've ever camped in your life. Which woods are we talking? Any woods. Hmm. Elijah. We'll save a seat for him.

All right. We do need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show before. He is a police inspector. Please welcome back to the show, Jack Cates. Looking good, partner. Hey, how are you, Jack? I'm doing all right. This is Zach Galifianakis. Zach, how are you, partner? I'm fine, officer. How are you? I'm not an officer. I'm an inspector. And this is the IQ lady. I think she didn't float away this time, unfortunately. Why are you sticking around this time? Last time you floated away so quickly. I'm trying to stay present for the IQ. Oh, there she is.

She's gone. All right. Well, Jack, so good to see you again. You've been on the show many times. A couple of times, yeah. Well, I mean, two is many. I mean, wouldn't you say too many? Yeah, several. Too many. Too many. That's why they call it too many. Pretty sloppy work. I apologize, Jack. But the last couple of times you were here, you were... I'm trying to remember exactly what you were doing. We're trying to get gams.

That's right, Gans. That's right, and that's what we've got to do now. We've got 48 hours to find Gans. Wait, we didn't find him the last time. We found him twice before. We found Albert Gans, and then we found his brother. We did? William Cherry Gans. Okay, so we found the Gans. So which Gans are we looking for now? Both of them. They got away. How did they get away? You were there, don't you remember? Sloppy work. The details are slipping my mind. I don't got time for your jive. Inform Zach, how did they get away?

Is Gans somebody, a person? Yeah, Gans is, I guess, the Gans brothers. Albert Gans is a lifelong criminal, a bug-eyed creep. He stole my gun after stealing a payroll from an armored car. Yes. And then he had my gun and I was out on the street trying to get him. I needed Scott's help because he started a podcast of what his life was like in prison.

So I needed a podcaster to help me get close to Gale. Yeah, it takes a podcaster to catch a podcaster. Exactly. We had 48 hours to find him. Was Serial about that? Did the guy who killed everyone on Serial, was he a podcaster and that's why he was a podcast? I don't like that. I didn't watch that one. You didn't watch Serial? No, I didn't watch Serial. I didn't either. I heard it. That's one podcast I did hear. Oh, really? You listen to Serial? I listen to that one. Men would rather listen to Serial than go to therapy. Wasn't that one of the first podcasts ever? No! Oh.

That's why I listened to it. I thought it was the first podcast ever. You were on this probably six times before that ever even premiered. Yeah, but I'm talking about things that people listen to. Oh, my God.

So what happened when Gansey got away? He was in the studio with us. He was your other guest. That's right. We learned by the end. But how did he get away, though? You were there, don't you remember? I don't. Well, come on. We're partners here. Okay, so we got to go get... Why do we have 48 hours starting now? Well, because we're missing the middle part where in between, after Albert Gans got away...

His brother, William Cherrygans, was hired with his partner, Hickok, to kill us. Oh, right. Yes, I forgot about that. Right there. Motorcycle murderers hired by the Iceman to track us down and kill us. Right, right. Because...

I shot a bad guy, and then my gun disappeared. Right. Okay. I remember all this now. Did you have to cough? Is your voice not normally like this? No, it's always like this. I smoke 12 packs a day. Packs of what? Cigarettes. Oh, okay. So both Gans brothers are in the wind. They're together now. They're together, though. We know that for a fact. That's right.

Okay. They've got a copy of my gun. A copy? They 3D printed a copy of my gun. Why? To frame me. And 48 hours from now, they're going to go to the Gans family reunion. Well, why don't we just go to the Gans family reunion 48 hours from now? Okay. Wait, do you need a ride? Why do you need my help all the time? Well, before I needed your help as a podcast. Sure. And now I need your help as a television creator.

Why? What does that have to do with the Gans family reunion? Because there's only one other Gans that I know, Megan Gans. Megan Gans is part of this? Right, writer. American comedy writer. From Community? Correct. And Always Sunny. And Modern Family? I guess. Wait, you know all of her resume other than that? I know two things. Is that her whole resume?

Anyway, she's going to be there. They're going to murder their whole family and frame me for it. Why murder your whole family? Zach, would you murder your whole family? I wouldn't even think about it. No, this is not normal behavior. Well, they're going to frame me for it. But that doesn't answer my question about why murder their whole family. These are dirtbag lifelong criminals. So that's in 48 hours. Why did you come here now? Why not just call me 48 hours from now? We got to find where it is. You don't...

We don't. Okay, so how are we going to find out where it is? You've got TV contacts. You get in touch with Megan Ganz. We find out where her family reunion is, and we can go there. All right, man. Who do I go through to? I don't have Megan. Do you have Megan Ganz's email? Do you know who we're talking about? A writer. She was a writer on a community. And what was the other thing you said? It's always sunny. It's always sunny. But can't you just hit her up on Twitter? Yeah, she had a bit of her. You mean x.com? Yeah, I mean x.com.

That inspector. Hey, how do you feel about, do you think these people, these billionaires are ruining our country? Yeah, and does anybody talk about that? Everyone's talking about it in San Francisco. Where? Who talks about it? Everyone. No, they don't. He's a police inspector in San Francisco, so this is where the tech bubble really- That's Silicon Valley. I know, but I don't hear people complain about it that much. You live on an island.

I know, but the fact that even the Google cars can go around and take pictures of everything, if those cars said U.S. government on it, people would fucking lose their minds. What do you think about the little robots that deliver packages? They're cute until you see 50 of them together. Then they are not so cute anymore. Yeah, but one is fine. We love them. One is fine. We love them, don't we, Zach? Yes, but... We love Amazon, don't we, Zach? Would you ever do a movie with Amazon? No.

I don't want to talk about that. We need a hit. Bezos! You ever seen that guy? I've never seen him, no. You've seen a picture of him? You gotta watch Frontline. They did a profile on him. Do they pay you in Bezos? Anyway, so we gotta get making dances. I know that we're not allowed to make fun of these gods because they're all controlling show business, but

He's very odd. Maybe I could go through Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who's married to Charlie Day. All right, that's over my head. I know, I know. I'm a big It's Always Sunny fan. Well, you don't know who's married to who? No, I only care about the show. So you only care about the fictional characters. Why are you coughing? I'm having a hard time.

I'm excited. Oh, okay. When you're excited, you cough. That's right. I may have a disease. So tell me about the characters on It's Sunny. All right. Well, you've got Charlie. Sure. Right? Why ask me? You're the huge fan. I'm asking if you're following along. Okay. I am. Yes. I'm trying to go slow. Okay. Charlie. We have Charlie. Charlie. Zach. Zach, do you know Charlie?

Charlie Day. Charlie Day. I know of him, yeah. From It's Always Sunny. He's on that show. Are you following along? I'm following along with what you're saying. You got Dennis. Dennis. Right. And you don't know who plays these characters. I only know Charlie Day because that's his name. Okay, right. And it's just somehow through osmosis or something. I know Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito. What character does he play? I mean, he's always Danny DeVito.

In every role. Yeah, so you're a big Danny DeVito fan, and that supersedes the It's Funny? Love it, yeah. It's Sunny, rather? That's right. Why didn't they call it It's Always Funny in Philadelphia? In Silly-delphia! Then I would know what I'm getting into! Instead, I watch this show, and I'm thinking I'm going to see a lot of sunshine. Meanwhile, the whole show takes place inside of a bar! I don't understand. You can't tell if it's sunny outside or not!

So that's one way, but I don't know. Let me see if I can type an email here right now. See if I can get all. Okay. Mary Elizabeth says, yeah, here's Charlie's contact info. Okay. No, it's fast. Dear Charlie. Yeah, I mean, we're tight. So, yeah. Dear Charlie, she just did an episode just a few months ago.

So we're tight. An episode of this? Yeah. All right. Dear Charlie, do you know Megan Ganz's email address? Stop. It's very important. We need to catch a killer. Stop. Sincerely, Scott. Okay. She's got to reply to that right away. Yeah, he's got to reply to that. Oh, is it to Charlie? Yeah, that was to Charlie. You turned your sound effects on between the first email and the second one. I thought it was important, you know, just to really establish what we're doing.

Oh, well, you've got mail. Nice. I have an AOL account still. Goddamn, those stuff is ruining America. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, it's MeganGans at MeganGans.com. Oh, we could have guessed that. We could have guessed that. Oh, okay, let me write to Megan. Dear Megan, stop. Do you know your family? Stop. Are you going to that reunion that's in 48 Hours? Stop. Can...

A guy named Jack Cates come and myself come with you. Stop. Zach, do you want to go? It's in two days? It's in two days. Yeah, I'll be there. You'll be there? Yeah. Zach Galifianakis from the upcoming film Lilo and Stitch, which has to be a hit. Yeah. Make sure you put that parenthetically. Yeah. You did? Yeah. It's a parenthetic. He needs a hit. Yeah. He needs a hit, and he's hoping this will be a hit. Wants to go as well. Stop.

Sincerely, Scott Aukman. Okay. Wow, that was even... That was sent even quicker, it sounded like. All right, now we just got to sit around and wait. You've got mail! Check it! It's the same thing! Okay, let me see. Oh, no, it's spam. What does spam have to say?

maybe they have a clue do you want to buy more spam from us no i'm oh let me write them back no sorry i have way more than enough spam for the year thank you so much sincerely scott all right now we just sit around and wait i guess for me i mean i'm not comfortable sitting around and waiting what do you want to do while we hit the pavement you want to hit the pavement with us zach what do you think

Right now? Yeah. Well, this is a mobile setup. We could go outside. Do you want to go outside? We've only got 48 hours. Yeah, we only have 48 hours until... Unless you don't want me to find games. No, I'm passionate about you finding games. Then why are you dragging your feet? Inspector Cakes...

Well, I really have nothing to do with it. Stop dragging ass, Zach. We need to find Gans. Why am I in the middle of this? We ain't partners, we ain't brothers, and we ain't friends. Yeah, that's fine by me. You or Gans or me and you. I'm going to put you down and get you down until we get Gans locked up or dead. Listen, Inspector, I have really no concern with Gans. I'm not that interested in- Oh, you're okay? You don't have any- You're ambivalent about a lifelong dirtbag criminal? Well, I don't know if he's going to hurt- Stop that crying! I don't know if he's going to hurt me. Hate tech bros, love criminals. Stop it.

Would you say... Hate tech bros loves criminals. That's Zach to a T. That's right. That's Zach Galifianakis, right? Come on. Let me pack up the mobile recording thing. Let's go outside. I just thought maybe you would do sound effects as we go outside. All right. Here we go. Ready? Go look at that horse walking by.

Right outside my house. You never see those anymore. Anyway, what do you want to do? I brought my computer just in case we get an email back, by the way, as well as all this recording equipment. This is really heavy. Zach, do you mind carrying a little bit of this? Let me take your switchboard. Okay. Whatever that is. In case we get some calls. Yeah. Do you ever get calls? Yeah, we do take some calls sometimes. What are we looking for out here, by the way?

the way we gotta find gans or his brother so we just gotta like try to eyeball him from people on the street whoa look at those gams sorry very close yeah but i was looking at something i just didn't want to if i had it which i don't i don't i don't see him i don't know gans you want me to yell for yeah we should yell gans gans hey gans gans gant no no bites

Well, he's not in your neighborhood. I don't know. You know, I just don't know what to do. Bing! You've got mail. Oh, I got an email. All right, read the email. We only have 48 hours. Oh, it's from... What does the email from Gans say? It's from Megan Gans. What does it say? Is she going to mail? I'm going to read it and we'll hear her voice. Hey. Hey.

I got your email, Scott. It's been a really long time since you emailed me. First, I was confused because we had that big fight so many years ago, and I didn't think you ever wanted to speak to me again. Stop. How are you? Stop. Love you, Megan. Huh.

Mixed messages. She loves you. Stop. She wants me to stop. Yeah. She doesn't answer my question about going to the... You've got mail. Stop. I was still sending the email. Stop. Oh, my gosh. I hadn't read down... Yes, I have a family reunion tonight. Why? Did you want to be my date? Stop. Whoosh. See you later. Bye. Whoosh.

So she was making her own whoosh sound as she was typing. She must be talking to text in real time, but it's coming through your email and being converted back to talk. P.S. One more for the road. Whoosh. Oh, wow. Three whooshes from Megan Ganz. This is exciting. All right. So we're invited. Where is it? You never asked me to ask her that. That's all we have to find out. I don't know. Where do they have family reunions down here in L.A. with a family that's from San Francisco?

There have to be some clues, Detective or Inspector Cates. I'm sorry to call you detective. That's a clue that you've not been paying attention. To be fair, you called yourself a detective the first appearance. You called me that and I didn't correct you. You're the host. You introduced me.

So what are the clues? What clues were left behind at the scene? All right. Family reunions need a few things, right? We need outdoor barbecue pets. We need... Plastic cutlery. Absolutely. Pasta salad. Where do you find pasta salad? Pasta salad. Pasta salad. Zach, where do we find pasta salad? Ralph's. Ralph's. Ralph's. Wait a minute. Is anyone in the Gans family named Ralph? Like Ralph Gans? Ralph!

Anybody named Gelson's? Gelson's Gans? There's obviously an Albert's Gans. Wait, what about his son? He has a son. Albertans. We need to get to Albertans right now. They'll be buying all of the stuff for the reunion right now. Pasta salad, hot dogs, buns, etc. Albertans is right over there. Let's run. Look at him go.

Hey, come on, Kate. Hold on, let me... Catch up. Hold on, I need my inhaler. Okay. Okay. Okay, let's go back to running. I need another break. Okay, yeah, let's do it. I'm in peak physical condition. All right. Okay, we're here. We're here. Oh, we made it. Thank God I got this mobile recording set up. Okay. Oh, look, there's a greeter here at the door.

Oi! You lot! No running near Albertsons! What are you kids doing mucking about? I ain't got time for your jive! Get out of my way! We're looking for gams! This Albertson's closed. It's been closed for 50 years. Some kids say it's haunted, innit? Be careful when you go in there.

So we can go in there even though it's closed and haunted? I hope you're used to talking to ghosts and all that in it. Okay. Have you seen anyone go in to the grocery store at all? Just Scooby-Doo and the gang. Oh. Cans isn't part of that, right?

Yeah, is Gans part of the Scooby-Doo's gang? What's the name of their gang? Okay, you got Thelma. No Velma. Not the names of the people in the gang. Don't they have a name for their gang? Well, they write around the mystery machine. The Scooby-Dooby-Krooby. That's what they told me. They were in here solving the mystery of the something-something pasta salad family reunion, innit? Oh my God. Anyways, I gotta go to the toilet now. She just sent an email in the bathroom. Okay, so we're inside now.

Do you see anyone? This place is cleaned out. There's nothing on the shelves. This looks like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. It hasn't been open for 50 years. Since 1975, I guess. Guys, anybody want a tab? Here, let's open up this tab. That's why he did it. Whoa, Scott, slow down. I loved it. Chuck a tab.

All right, do we see the Gans or any of his family members here? Gates, what are you doing? You're staring off into space. I'm looking for clues. Like you're haunted by some sort of past memory. What is going on with you? I had a traumatic experience in a grocery store like this. Really? A haunted grocery store that was 50 years old that you've had a...

Experience? That's right. Not this one, but a different haunted grocery store that's been closed for 50 years. Up in San Francisco, I would imagine. That's right. The Bay Area. Yeah. What happened there? Now it's the headquarters of Uber. Oh, God. Don't get me started. But anyway, what happened to you in this? Well, I was left there as a child. Okay. For how long? 18 days. 18 days? That's right. It could have been 48 hours.

But it was, in fact, 18 days. Okay. But it felt like 48 hours to you. Yeah. Really breezed by. Okay. So you enjoyed it. It's like a kid in a candy store. Sure. But it was more like a kid in a grocery store. Yeah. It was a teenager in a grocery store. And did they ever come back to get you after the 18 day? What happened? My parents, we were shopping. It was me, my brother, Albert, and his brother, William.

Okay. We were all shopping together. His brother, but not yours? Yeah, he's my brother, too. That's how brothers work, Scott. Okay, but you didn't say it like... Anyway, go ahead. Sorry! I thought you could do math. You pass an IQ test.

And then who found you 18 days later, which felt like 48 hours. Nobody found me. I walked out. I waited 18 days for them to return. And then you just walked out. I'm like, I don't think they're coming. Okay. I'm going to start a life for myself. I think I would have left 48 minutes into this, but it took you 18 days. Well, different strokes for different faults. Anyway.

Anyway, is Gans here? No, but I've reclaimed a memory. Scott, I just remembered that I had a brother named Albert. You didn't remember you had a brother named Albert? And he had a brother named William Cherry. I'm a Gans! What? Oh my God. I'm a Gans. Did you not hear me?

I mean, I heard the Albert and the William, but I thought it was... Yeah, I'm surprised. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're a Gans? I'm a Gans. We don't need Megan Gans. So you know where the family reunion is? No, nobody knows I'm a Gans. Okay, well, just tell everyone you're a Gans, and then you'll be invited to the family reunion. I guess I have to tell Megan Gans that I'm a Gans. Okay. Do you want to send an email to her? Just dictate it to me. All right. All right, here we go. Dearest Megan Gans... Uh-huh.

Hey, how's it going? Okay. We can cut down a little on the chit-chat, I think. I mean, this is a matter of grave importance. This should be dictated, not read. Back to me with criticism.

I was just remembering that I'm also a Gans. Do you want me to put in a stage direction that talks about your jaunty tone? You can put it in italics. I think that'll come across on the page. All right. Just remembered I'm a Gans. I'm also a Gans. I would like to attend the Gans family reunion. Okay. That's the end of the email. Oh, wait, no.

Where is it? Okay, thank you. Good. Specifically. Where is it specifically? And do you want to sign your name or anything? Signed, yours truly, best wishes. Signed, yours truly, best wishes. And all the regards to you, friends and family. And may the road rise up to meet you. Sure. Okay. On your journeys. Sure. Inspector Jack John Cates Gans. Okay.

Okay, we sent it. But we're running out of time on this segment. We have to run back to the studio. We're running out of time in general. That's right. Let's all run back to the studio so we can take a break. Ready? Here we go. Okay. Is this security guard going? No. Oh, you kids, have a good day. Okay, thank you. How was your shit? It was grouchy.

Okay, come on, guys. Come on. Come on. We need to get back to the studio. Took you long enough. Oh, Jesus. How did you make it here before us, Gans? I took big, bounding strides. Oh, okay. Zach. Okay, Zach just made it. No, I've been here. Oh, wait. I took an Uber. Oh, okay. That's why I'm not out of breath. I thought you hated Uber. Hypocrite. I don't like Uber. But that was the only thing that would come out and get me. Oh, okay. All right. Well, you know what? We need to take a break.

This is good news, but we'll find out hopefully at some point during the show where this family reunion is, and then we're all going to go, right? We'll have to drop everything. Well, I mean, it's in 48 hours. Do we really have to drop everything? Depending on where the reunion is, we may have to drop everything. Yeah. If it takes 48 hours to get there. Then we have to drive. Why do we have to drive? For comedy! Okay, all right. We'll look.

We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have a paganist here. This is so exciting. We'll have more Jack, John, Kate's Gans. We'll have more Zach Galifianakis. We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. New job? Growing family? Need a change of scenery? When life gives you a reason to move, start with Opendoor. Request a cash offer in minutes.

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Head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code gift. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Zach Galifianakis is here. We're all tired out from the running back from Albertsons, other than Jack Cates. Jack, John, Cates, Gans, of course.

I'm fit as a fiddle. I've smoked so many cigarettes, I can't feel my lungs anymore. Okay, so that's giving you sort of a numbness to what normally we would feel. Some call it a false confidence. Okay, got it. We do need to get to our next guest, though. She is a paganist, I guess, is how I am to describe her. Please welcome to the show, Shrunken Head Baby Witch. Hi, Shrunken Head Baby Witch. How are you? Hi.

Thanks for having me on the show. You got to see Wicked and D.

in theaters now. It's going to be the movie of the year if my name's not Shrunken Head Baby Witch. Well, I mean, Shrunken Head Baby Witch, Wicked has been out for now three months or so. Well, I'm promoting it. They didn't invite me on the main press tour, so I'm doing my own kind of little thing. Are you in the movie? Click, click, hold my nails. Do you have something to do with the movie? Cynthia Erivo and all that. Yes, I was a consulting producer on the film. I'm a witch. You're a consulting producer? Wow. Because I'm a real witch. You're a real, what does that mean, a real witch? I'm Shrunken Head Baby Witch.

I know that. I mean, we take that as a given. But what does that mean? When you say a real witch, I think there are a lot of people in the world who consider themselves to be witches. Is that what you mean? Who do you know that's a witch? I know and I know. You said a lot of people in the world. Just, you know, there are... Say three. Damn it. She got me.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't run in those type of circles. The witchly type of circles. The figures. What do you mean? The witches wouldn't invite a guy like you to hang out? Can't believe that. You're rolling your eyes sarcastically when you say this. I'm kidding. Which is a huge tip off to me. I'm fucking with you. Shrunken headed baby witch. You're shrunken headed baby witch? Witches with shit. Shrunken headed baby witch. I'm understanding your name is shrunken headed baby witch now. Maybe it's shrunken head baby witch.

Which is it? Trunken-headed baby witch, or is it trunken head now? Witch is witch. What? So can you actually perform magic or anything like that? I can do any kind of spell. What kind of magic do you want me to do? De-aging, I think, for Zach. Yeah, I guess. Okay. What specifically are you looking for? In the face, right? Just like an anti-

aging face yeah and body probably too yeah like i have a grotesque body is there anything you could do about that okay yeah here we go younger head and body better make him fit into a sweater smaller smaller younger still baby baby whoa whoa whoa well the first half rhymes very well well that's how you know i'm a real witch right because that checks out if anybody else is doing that disney pisney mickley miles shit it's rhyming and it's not real thank you well it's

You know a spell is real because it ends in whoa, whoa, whoa, because that's the sound of the magic coming out. Oh, okay. So is he... When does it kick in? Yeah, when exactly does he... Oh, it will kick in. Well, you didn't say that. You didn't specify. So it's probably a couple months or younger. Is this one of the things where there's an ironic consequence to the wish? Yeah, monkey's paw. Oh. He'll have a monkey's paw? I hope you're not allergic to monkeys.

Shrunken-headed baby witch. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What's the compromise here? That I get something in return? Your wife turns into a monkey if you get the spell. If I get younger, then somebody has to pay for it. My wife will have to pay for it. We'll turn into a monkey. Your wife will turn into a monkey. That's fine with me. Okay. Shrunken-headed baby witch. Zach, I mean, you can be married to a monkey. Okay, that's all fine. I just wanted to know, like...

Is there any other thing that when you make me look younger and taller? Oh, sure. Uh, taller wasn't really part of the original. Well, it's part of the grotesque body. Oh, okay. Yeah. That'll be solved. Yeah. Uh, like I want to be stereotypically chiseled. Yeah. How many abs did you want? You were saying something about like a 24 pack or something. I can get apps with my phone. Oh, okay. That's right. Yeah.

Silicon Valley, man. They're ruining the world. Don't even get me farted. Don't even get me farted. But can you do that for him? Can you make him really super cut? Of course, of course. Super chiseled, strong and tall. Make him big and whoa, whoa, whoa. There you go. And I got two months to wait for it to kick in. Yep. Okay. And then I'll come back in two months. Yeah, come back. We'll do the IQ test as well. Yeah. Yeah. That'll be great. And then you'll be married to a monkey. And please check out Wicked.

Oh, yeah. Have you checked out Wicked yet? Check out Wicked anywhere you get your movies. Jack, John? Yes. Kate Scans? What is that? Have you checked out? Why are you staring into space again? I'm trying to think of what I'm going to ask for when the witch turns to me. Okay. Well, have you seen Wicked? What's that? No, I read the book. Okay, yeah. I'm sorry. It was awful. But they made a good musical. I guess. Yeah, but. I don't like musicals. Okay. Why did you read the book?

Because I love The Wizard of Oz! Then you love Wicked! No, they sing songs. I don't like musicals. The Wizard of Oz, they sing songs in it. That's different. In what way? Because there was a war going on!

Well, I can't see so good anymore because my head's shrunken and my eyeballs are shrunken. So I can only see small things. I didn't want to say anything about your shrunken head because I don't like to point out a guest's physical attributes. I didn't point out your tiny dick. You don't point out my tiny head. That's kind of the tacit agreement that we have. Yeah, exactly. But you have a tiny, tiny head so you can only see tiny things. Why do you host the show with your pants off? I don't know.

Look, I've been doing it for 16 years now, and it's just how I started. So, well, why does SNL write till five in the morning on Tuesdays? Good point. So did the Salem guys get a hold of your penis and shrink it like they did to my head? Oh, no, that wasn't what happened to me. It's just been this way the entire time. Oh, God, my God. So Salem guys? What Salem guys? Well, back in the 1800s, I was, you know, I was eating a kid from the bed.

And the Salem guys bust in and they did the whole witch trials on me, cut my head off, boiled it in a little pot, shrinkled it, shriveled it down. Buried me in a cemetery. I was there for 100 years. So somebody dug me up and put me on a Barbie body.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, now I'm shrunken head baby witch. I also didn't want to say your body is like, yeah, amazing. Rock hard. Can I get a little shiny little tit? Can I punch those? Can I punch you in the dick? Sure. Same time. That was like the end of Rocky. Rocky three. Whatever. We turned into a painting. Scott, why is my face covered in blood?

Your little dick popped. Why is every bone in my hand broken right now? Well, yeah, I put a fortification spell on my little Barbie body. Oh, that makes sense. I used to be, you know, the little girl who found me back in the 80s from the ancient burial ground. She played with me and took good care of me, but then, you know, when she went away to college, I had to put a protection spell. Wait, what was that little girl's name? Pamela Adlon. Pamela Adlon? Wait, from Grease 2? Yeah.

Wow. Amazing. Yeah. So what have you been doing since the 80s?

Well, then when my little girl went away to college, they... You had a little girl? The little girl who found me and put me on a Barbie body. Okay, Pamela Adlon. Yes, sorry. Then they, you know, the parents threw me out and I went into a garbage truck and it ripped off my Barbie arms. No. Yeah, I was getting mangled in there. No. Spang mangler. Really, what I'm working with now is a courtesy of the dump truck guy. He gave me a car key for one arm and a chapstick for the other. Yeah, oh yeah. Tits of a Barbie, arm of a car key. Yeah, you know.

So then what happened after that? This is still in the, this is like in the 90s or when is this? Well, this was, I guess, you know, only about a year ago that I finally escaped. Because you see, my mouth was sewn shut so I couldn't do spells until the garbage man opened my mouth. Oh, okay. Who was that from? Some sick pervert. You probably know him. Oh, who? I don't know. Don't you know all the sick pervert garbage guys? No, it's not really. Those aren't the circles I run in. Really? Yeah.

No witches, no pervert garbage truck guys. Oh. Necessarily. Interesting. So this was just a year ago. Yeah. And already you're a supervising producer on a huge movie. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, actually. Zach, this is how it's done. I need a hit. I need a hit. This is how it's done. I'm lucky, though, because one of my arms is a car key. So it's easier for me to get around. Do you need a battery for your vibe? It's an old school car key. So I just kind of put it in and I crank it. You know what I'm talking about. All right. Let's high five. All right.

With both hands. That was more like a high ten. We high fived on one and low fived on the other. That was cool. That was the sound of my hand slapping your hand and then my knee kind of hitting your little knee because we're both wearing shorts. Yeah, that's right. And yours have the crotchless part. Yeah, obviously. Anyways, the garbage man who took me home and gave me the car key for one hand and the chapstick for the other. Then when he fell asleep, of course, I stole his car. I drove around town. I saw that there was an audition casting call for Wicked.

And I thought, I'm a shrunken-headed baby witch. I should audition for this. So you auditioned for what part? Well, I went all the way to the Chem Reads with Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande. So for what part, though? Ariana, she plays the little pink one. Oh, okay. And I'm just as little as her. She was there at the Chem Read? Yeah, yeah. Even though you were up for her part? Yeah, because they were kind of maybe toying with it being two little pink girls. It was going to be Wicked colon two little pink girls. Okay. I think they made the right decision. I don't know. So now it's just Wicked colon one pink girl, one green girl. Oh, right.

Okay, got it. But anyways, yeah, they didn't cast me because they said they wanted little, but I was too little. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, Ariana Grande is like 4'1", I think. Yeah, she's pretty small. And I'm about the size of a quarter. Yeah, you're a Barbie body. My head's a quarter and my body's a Barbie. Yeah. Only compared to you, is she a Grande? Exactly. She's a venti.

She's a bitch. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? I thought we were riffing. No, these are our Oscar-nominated actors. Zach doesn't like that kind of talk. Of course. Not about the community, no. Mm-mm.

The acting community is sacred around these parts. I didn't know. I'm sorry. A little respect, please. Well, this, I mean, what an incredible story. So what kind of info did you impart upon the movie Wicked? Well, I became a consulting producer, teach them how, you know, witches really live. And it's a shame, though, because I really wanted that part. I could still sing all the songs. Yeah, same. I mean, look. Gravity. I don't know. Working against me.

I don't know that that's in there. Gravity. I think it's Defying Gravity. I think you're just singing a John Mayer song right now. I'm singing Gravity, which is the hit song of Wicked. Yeah, yeah. You've seen Wicked, Zach? I have not yet. Yeah. It must be in your calendar, though, for when you're going, right? I'm going to see it tonight. Tonight? Oh, great. Show me your calendar. If it's not written in it, it's not true. It's in my car. Hmm. Show me your car. My car is outside, if you want to go. Show me outside.

Cash me outside. You got me. You got me. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

Well, this is, I mean, such a- Please see Wicked. We gotta see Wicked. It's in theaters everywhere you get your theaters. Do you think they did a good job with all the witch stuff, or are there any inaccuracies? Well, I try to tell them, you know, I would try to give advice to Cynthia Erivo. You gotta stand a certain way when you're a witch. How is that? Well, because when you ride your broom so much, you get something called a dusty inner wart. Oh, okay. On your knee. Like some sort of chafing against the broom or something? It's like chaffing, yeah. Oh, okay. It's like chaffing.

Was I saying it wrong? You were saying, you said it different. It's chaffing. That's how you pronounce it. All right, chaffing. Chaffing, yeah, exactly. So there's chaffing on the inside of the leg. So you had said chaffing. Oh, I said chaffing. I'm sorry. That was incorrect. So anyways, the witch's word comes from when it chaffs on the broomstick. So if you're going to act convincingly as a witch, you have to stand a certain way. Sort of bow-legged? Bow-legged, yeah.

Okay, yeah. Am I saying words wrong? Did you guys ever get an IQ test done? Because I think there's something wrong with you. I bet that we could reach 200 together. What do you think about that? Do you think we could? What is seen as thick? What is a thick number? Thick with two Cs? Thick with stupid. Like what that ass do? What's a low number where you're kind of considered that's not good?

I think anything below 100, you're not doing well. So 105 is okay? I mean, I wouldn't brag about it, but it's probably nothing to write home about, but it's nothing to be ashamed about either. But I think between the two of us, family feud style, we could get up to 200. We could get Steve Harvey. We could win the big money. Get Steve Harvey involved in this. Have him administer the test. I love that guy so much. Yeah.

This is a good idea. Zach, we got to put this together. Have you ever had Steve Harvey on the show? Not to... I haven't. I would love to have. Yeah. Yeah, love family TV. Steve Harvey did a lot of fucked up things in Hollywood. He did? What do you mean? And I don't think you should let him on the podcast. Really? I mean, we haven't heard about this. Well, he produced all of the movies and he was, you know... He produced the Wicked movies? Steve Harvey is the biggest producer that we have. He's in prison now. What? Steve Harvey's... I haven't read the trades today. He's in prison? Yep.

For what? What happened? Rose McGowan, all the girls came forward and it's over for Steve Harvey. No more family feud. This is a different Harvey, I'm pretty sure. This is a guy whose Harvey is his first name. Okay, so what had happened to me is when I was a shrunken head, I was buried in a turnip field and sometimes my brain doesn't work so good. I see. Okay, that's fine. I mean, look, Zach and I, we barely have 200 between us. So, I mean, we understand. As a body count? Yeah.

I mean, Zach, you're up to like 175 and I have about 23. So we're almost there. That checks out. Oh, yeah. Speaking of, I heard you're doing an investigation. And if you need someone to cast a spell to make something happen, I can help you. That's what I was thinking about when I was steering off into the distance. I could use a location spell for cams. Should we do a location spell here? Sure, sure. Standard witchly location spell. Do you remember my name? Shrunk-headed baby witch. Yeah.

Okay. He passed the test. If you say it two more times, I'll give you whatever spell you want. How many more times? Two more times. Shrug it, headed baby witch. Shrug it, headed baby witch. Ooh. Is that part of what? Yeah, that's part of it. That's what kind of turns on my magic. Adding that to my body count. All right. So can we do a location spell here? Sure, sure. What's the name of the guy? Albert Gans. Albert Gans. Okay. Or his brother, William Cherry Gans. Okay.

Give me, give me all the Gans. Where they're going, what's their plans? Tell me where location lies. If you don't, I'll whoa, whoa, whoa. Sound like there was a threat there in a second. So when does this kick in? About two months.

Oh, no. Oh, no. This is bad, bad news. All staffed by monkeys. Oh, no. This is terrible.

Oh, well, I mean, we're just going to have to wait and see if Megan Gans writes me back about the, or writes you back, you know, through my account. Yeah, if she emails during this show, I want to cancel that spell. Well, guys, we are unfortunately running out of time, not just in our 48 hours, but in this show. We really only have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. Yeah, we're going to open the Plugs.

He's on to the next block, copper man He always knows the time clock, watch him in Spicy with the heat, hot sauce, I'm in Audio with the host, Scott Ackerman He's the copper man, haven't you seen his act? Looking like a itty bitty tasty snack In his uniform, handcuffs on his waist It's Scott, you know he's on the case Stepping on the scene, showstopper man Moving to the beat, pop poppin' man He told my girl to go a cock blocker man Can you believe this dude a big talker man? Is she, she

Wow. I don't think I've ever been rapped about. That's good. It's exciting. That was Hot Saucerman by Chardo. Hmm. Chardo. What do we think of Chardo, Zach? I like Chardo. Yeah, Chardo. Is he a legit singer? It sounds like it to me. I don't know. Chardo's song didn't come with a biography, but it sounds legit to me. Jack, John, Kate Scans, what do we think about Chardo? I like it. It had a funky beat. Yeah. You like funky beats? I love funky beats. Okay. Shrunken Headed Baby Witch, what do we think? Gravity.

Okay, still singing graphic. It's working against me. All right, what do we have to plug here, Zach? We did mine. What's that now? We did mine. We did mine. Lilo and Stitch obviously coming out Memorial Day weekend. We want to make sure that once the ticket sales are up, we pre-buy these tickets. It's going to be packed theaters, I think. And you're playing an alien who is chasing after Stitch. Hmm.

I believe. And you need to get Stitch back to your home planet, I believe. Didn't read the script. Didn't really. Did someone just say the words that you were supposed to say to you phonetically? What they do is they program... There's a chip they put in you now as an actor. Oh, yeah. I heard about this chip. They just...

All you have to do is just put it in. Is it a Dorito? No. Does it go up your butt? No, it's like a microchip. Oh. So it goes in your penis? From Silicon Valley. Yeah. That's why I hate it, because it's still stuck in my urethra. Yeah. That's where they put it. Wow.

Well, Lilo and Stitch is coming out. Zach needs a hit, so make sure you patronize this. I thought this was going to be the hit. This podcast. Everything's riding on this. This is a promo for the hit. Yeah. I'm not riding on this. I'm riding on a broom that's a little makeup brush. That's right. Drunken Head and Baby Witch. You want to plug this little baby brush? Yeah, flying on down to the Telluride Comedy Festival on February 14th.

Wait, where? Drunken Headed Baby Witch. What festival? Drunken Headed Baby Witch. Telluride. Telluride. Comedy Festival. You ever been there? She's got a telly to ride. They have a comedy festival? Yeah. It's itty bitty like me. It's been going on for many a year. It's a good one, too. You should go to it. I never. As a patron. Yeah, go tonight after the water park and then we can do it. Do you ski? Yes. Oh, that's good skiing there.

Shunken-headed baby moguls. Oh, yeah, that's right. And Jack John Catescans, what do you want to plug? I would say check out AP Bio now on Netflix. Oh, yeah, it moved over to Netflix. That's right. More accessible. Every time you come here, you plug AP Bio. Yeah. Why is that? I like it. You like it? I like it. You like it. It's got that guy from Always Sunny. That's right.

That's right. Your favorite show. That's right. I want to plug, yeah, head over to CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. You get the complete archive of this show, every single episode we've ever done, as well as every live episode we've ever done, including the last tour that we did, the

during 2024. We did 43 shows last year. Those are all up at CBB World. We also have great shows like Hey Randy and Who Me with the Batman. Those are all CBB Presents. This book changed my life. And Scott Hasn't Seen where we watch movies and College Town, Neighborhood Listen,

ad-free Threedoms, and the entire Threedom archive. So many great things over there. And we have new action figures that are out now. We have, speaking of Hey Randy, we have Randy and Carissa action figures. They're on sale now. They are by FC Toys.

They will, they're shipping now. You can get them at figurecollections.com with free shipping with a US address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfigureseller.com. We also have Sprague and Big Sue and tour exclusives of J.W. Stillwater and Scott Aukerman are also available. And I think that's all I have to plug. Let's close up the old plug bag. Plug bag. 20-well bag.

Whoa, that was, let's see, who was that? That was the Red Lounge remix by T.W. Bond. Thanks, guys. If you have any remixes or plug bag songs, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload them. You'll find all the stems you need up there. And Zach, I want to thank you so much for being here.

Yes. Thank you for having me. You have fulfilled your duties to me as a friend. Once a year. Once a year. I'll see you in 2026. Let me apologize. I'm never a good guest, and I'm sorry. Noted and agreed with.

Okay, well, as long as everybody knows. Yeah, and shrunken head. This is the most I've ever talked, I think, during this. I know, you did a great job. But I apologize. I know that I'm not good. We enjoyed you on this today. Okay. Yeah, some good stuff. Thank you. Some good stuff. And I have big, big, big thoughts about your career. Yeah, need a hit. We're going to get you back. Shrunken Headed Baby Witch, so good to meet you. So good to see you, see you in your dreams. I've seen Wicked twice. Wait a minute.

Yeah, I'll be there. You're going to be in my dreams? Yeah, I always am. Wait, every single dream I've ever had, you're there? Every dream we've ever dreamt, every scream we've ever scrumped. Oh, no. That was not a spell. I'll be watching you. It rhymes, yeah. And Jack Cates, I'm so sorry that we never found out the location of the... The Gans family reunion. Yeah, before the end of the show. I mean, this is terrible. Wait a minute. Beep.

You've got mail. Check it. Check it. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hi, Scott. It's me, Megan, again. The family reunion is tonight at the Denny's behind the Arby's behind the McDonald's, and it's a theme party, so make sure you dress up. See you there. Love you. Megan. Whoosh. P.S. Ding. You've got mail. Whoosh.

What's the theme? What's the theme? We don't know the theme. We'll be at 300 Campbell. That'll be a good idea. That'll work with any theme. All right. Okay, we'll see you there, and we'll see you next week. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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