13 Beers at the Local Cheese | Ep. 2 | Rock 'Em Sock 'Em
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris.

Whether it's your birthday, a big wing, or just a reason to celebrate, the local cheese is the place to be. Everybody is having a great time playing games. Wow, that's really awesome. Hooray, hooray.

We'll keep the good times rolling! Come on down everybody! Pizza, prizes, and performances! You see a group of animatronic animals all on a stage looking, uh, playing different instruments and looking a little uncanny. Don't miss out on the memories of the local cheese! We're making magic one token at a time! Yeah! Woo! I love clowns. What?

You guys cheese it. You are sprinting, fleeing from security with a reel of 500 tickets underneath your arm as you are sprinting away, having broken in to one of the arcade cabinets. You can hear the footsteps from behind you. I need everyone. Do we do group tests? Or...

Yeah, absolutely! Let's make it up. Absolutely! Uh, I need everyone to make an agility test. Ooh! Ooh, I got a seven. Not great. Sixteen! Man... I got a one. Uh-oh. I got a four. A four? We did pretty bad. I rolled a two. One, four, seven, sixteen, thirty... And my agility's plus two. I'm agile and I didn't do well.

What I will say is, given that I have a large snout with horns, I'm just putting my edge down. So you're confirming the two-horn theory now. And I'm lumbering through people, I'm goring people if I have to, I'm just knocking them out of the way. I'm not trying to be agile in any way, is what I'm trying to say. I see, I see. Turning failure into success. One moment, let me check the system here. I'm doing strength-y things, you know? I think that's very wise. Strength-esque actions. I'm being very prescient.

You are... You're running, and you can hear the footsteps are gaining on you. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. It doesn't look like you have much time before you are going to be put upon by these terribly strong bouncers. But Galileo, in this moment of need, you look over and you can see the masked ninja that you competed against. And you can see him

Like this, waving you over. Dudes, dudes, this way! It's the ninja guy! He's too big for this! Let's go! I beat him at DBR! I follow Galileo. Follow me! You race over and you can see that he's almost positioned to the side of a cabinet and allowing you to dart behind the technology for a brief moment to hide you. And it's in this instant that you duck down.

You hear the stomping feet get louder and then soften as the security goes past you and turning to you, "I think that I was able to hide you." "First, bow to your sunset."

I never called you sensei. You bested me in a game of Dance Dance Rumble. I was just kidding anyway, man. It's good to see you. It's good to see you, man. Who is this guy? Who is this guy? Oh, I told you, I think. But this is the guy beaten in DDR, man. Sensei? I mean, I... I was just... That could have a lot of implications. Was he also in the bathroom when you bought the shrooms? Is that where this is also? No.

No, I went to go see, I went to see DDR. Okay. But I didn't have any tokens, right? So I got up there. I met this guy and, you know, he was doing his thing up there. And I was like, hey, man, I think we should maybe. Hey. Yes, Gary? It's really rude to interrupt people. How many tokens? Excuse me? I can't understand you. How many tokens you got, Mr. Ninja Man? Oh, no. Hey.

I have a sizable number of tokens, but I just protected you from the security. You could have been kicked out of the local chief. And we don't want that. It's the only place where we can drink. Speaking of, have you used your two drink orders?

Oh, I'm sorry. Three drink orders? I am not here to drink. I am here. That's perfect. That's perfect. You gotta go on a beer run for us. Look, we could all use another round. We'll wait right here. I have already done you all a great favor. What if we front the tokens? I am going to take your tickets.

What? You must give me the reel of tickets you have there under your arm. So wait, not only are you saying that we can't rob you, you're trying to rob us? Wait a minute, this is the local chief. I just saved you from the security and you're going to deny me this prize? Look, there are four of us and only one of you.

You didn't have to do that, buddy. We made no sort of agreement. Yeah, I mean, that was awesome of you, but try to rob us. He reaches down and he thumbs up his sword. Do not make me fight you. I will do what it takes in order to take those tickets. I slowly reach for my maul katana, which is way worse condition than his. And I put my thumb on it and I begin to shiver. Hold on, okay, hold on, hold on. I'm a short little puppet man.

And I just think that we should all cool it down. And I'm gonna skate a little bit towards them. And all I can say is I think we should never tie it! And we punch them in the balls.

Roll a melee attack. Gary gets the reward at the end of this. He gets the superlative where he gets the most surprise attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The superlatives. He doesn't see it coming. He's got his eyes on the tickets. And so when he looks down, he's almost reaching for it. You... Like that. It's almost like when Goro gets knocked in the balls by Johnny Cage in the Mortal Kombat film, which is excellent. Oh!

Ninjas, attack! And you hear him yell ninjas attack and from the shadows of the ceiling ninjas drop down. I need everyone to roll initiative. Holy shit, it's the ninjas! So real quick though, his dice exploded. So he rolled 10 damage before these ninjas fell to the, from the sky. To the nuts. Yeah, to the nuts.

So that's like double damage, dude. Initiative is three plus agility? Agility plus a d6. Oh shit. Yes, okay. So I got a two. Ooh. Boy, I also got a two by rolling a one. I rolled a three and got the last one. Eight. Let me get 20 or higher.

No, not even close. There's no chance. 15 or higher? It's a 6. You can only get a maximum of 9. You can only roll a d6. So 9, 9, 8. 10 or higher. I rolled an 8. That's the highest I can get. 9 or higher. Yeah, 9, 8. 9 or higher. 8. Bro! I got a 2. 2. I also got a 2.

So that means it's-- You go first. It's Taishen, Barnabas, Andy, or Scrim. So literally the same order. Yeah, wow. Unbelievable. Okay. Can't plan it. You deal this striking blow and he falls over and cartoonish stars start to float around the top of his head, like when you knock out one of the guards from Metal Gear Solid. He's out cold. You seem to have knocked him out in one punch. But one of the traits of the ninjas is that they get to go first at the beginning of combat. And all of a sudden--

They drop down. We're gonna need to quickly make a combat. What? You can't even the odds. That's cheating. Says man who punched other man in nutsack unawares. They race forward and all of them seem to be equipped with

Looking it up, looking it up, looking it up. So sad that there's so much gang violence in this era. Who could have predicted this? Who could have predicted? Quasimodo. Quasimodo for sure. Katanas, but they are long, sharp, and unsheathed, and all four of them immediately engage all four of you. I need each of you to make a defense test. Let's start with Mace and we'll go around. Mace.

Two. Two. Uh, you're gonna have to, uh, roll your, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Six. Armor. Uh, because you've got, uh, seven points of... Oh, my armor's a two, I think? So you're, yeah, you'll flip a coin and then either subtract one or two from your... You've got seven points of, uh, damage incoming. Two. Minus your drinks. Minus five. Minus seven. He takes the whole thing.

Oh shit, really? We're drunk. We're rolling. That's why I placed that guy on the counter. How many beers? I was just freaking drunk. Stupid move, bringing a bunch of ninjas to a gunfight. I rolled a six, which is a fail. I rolled a four on my d6, plus four drinks is an eight reduced damage. And he got nine points of damage, so you still take one point as the blade slices in. I got fucking swords! Oh god!

I had 19 on my defense roll. You managed to dodge what would have been 10 points of damage. Wow! You're very short. The tip of your hat floats away. Yeah, that was negative HP.

I got a 10 for dodging. I got a 10 for dodging. You are going to have to dodge or take two unless you're drunk at this point. Wow, I rolled a one on defense, but my drunk carries me. You see the blade coming straight towards your face in a jab-like configuration, and you're able to get your Maul Katana out just in time. I block by drawing my sword. And you see sparks fly out, flashing against the back of these arcade cabinets. That's the ninja's.

Galileo. You stupid ninjas. Oh, that was pretty sick. What else? What else? What else, Galileo? Wow. At this thing that Galileo said because he's so cool. What else, Galileo? I'm not going to lie. It's pretty cool that this guy can summon a whole clan of ninjas, but... What else? Tell him to dodge this. What else? Tell him to dodge this. Oh!

What else? Lawn? Dodge this! Dodge this, stupid ninjas! No, no, no, no, no, tell him, uh, be careful, you might poke your eye out. On my Nerf darts. Be careful! You're gonna shoot him in the eye with your Nerf darts. Aw, you just be careful, because Nerf darts are coming your way. Oh, no, no, no, say, who needs courage when you have a gun? Oh, that's pretty good. Who needs courage when you have a gun?

No, but don't say that you're- *Gasps* Watch where you shoot that thing! That's my job! I didn't do that this once! Watch where you're shooting that thing! I shoot him in the face. Oh, what you attempt to. Oh yeah.

Oh man, he- All just never hit. Well, we don't actually know what their AC is. Seven. Do the ninjas have less than seven? Probably not. No, you fail to hit them, but you, uh, like where the ninja was, there's a blur and all of a sudden they're in another position and racing towards you. Oh, Plague of Wood! Oh no, man! Knuckles, you're up. There's Substitution Jutsu! There's Substitution Jutsu! Okay!

I'm gonna nut punch another guy. Fist of fear. Uh-oh.

That's an eight. Seven, yeah. Eight. You may move if you want, and that also goes true for you, but Andy, you're up. I'm going to move forward to engage the ninja whose blade that I blocked to see if I can do something good here, and I'm going to hope that I roll. That's only going to be a six. Uh-oh. I whiff. This could be bad, folks. You slice down, and the other ninja parries your attack, and you are now having a full katana blade fight, but you aren't able to do any damage. Knuckles, you're up.

Knuckles, I believe in you. Has anyone taken damage? No. Not me. I'm very damaged though. I mean, you had taken damage previously, but not this fight. Nobody's taken damage in this fight. How wounded is Galileo? Not at all. Oh, not at all. I'm not gonna be brave. I'm gonna go around this way. And I'm gonna try to sucker punch this guy from around the cabinet with my Knuckles. Ten? Not enough. No way.

They're fast! They're fast, uh, but a blur. Your hand hits nothing but air and a katana comes flying back towards you. Whoa, that speed! Make a defense test for me, uh, Knuckles. I got an idea. Oh, here's it! Seven. Seven. It's not enough. The katana comes flying forward. It's another ten points of damage in your direction.

Three damage three damage he disappears and all of a sudden he's right in front of in front of you the you feel the blade dig deep into your The remaining three all make the defense test as soon as I see the shirk has come out I say I

Uh-oh. I got stabbed. What's defense again? It's agility plus a d20. I got a 10. I got a 10 as well. 14. Everyone who got 12 or lower needs to take 7 incoming damage or subtract your armor and your drunking. Armor d6. I luckily rolled a 5 plus my 4 drinks. I tanked the whole thing. Oh, minus 10. Minus 10. I tanked the whole thing. You were able to even parry it in the middle of your... I'm deflecting these shuriken as they're coming in. I deflected them by their hands.

I caught one with my bare hands. You also- you all fucking caught it? That's fucking crazy. Okay. Katana attack on... um... Andy. And, uh, katana attack on Galileo. Oh no, I got a natural one. So, my armor is going to go down one tier, and you're gonna roll double damage against me. Oh! Damn! So my armor's gonna drop to a d4 instead of a d6. All of a sudden I'm very vulnerable. That was an eight.

Oh, okay. And that was a six, so you've got 14 incoming. I have four drinks, which makes it ten minus four is six. I take six points of my ten health. Oh, fuck. All of a sudden, blood begins to pour out of me as this katana attacks me. Andy, no! Fuck, that hurts! You turn to dodge and push away the shuriken, and you feel the blade rake against the back of your arm, cutting into the back of your shoulder. Wait, I did this to

three guys? Oh! Oh!

- I feel sympathy pain. - I'm bleeding. - I feel sympathy pain. - I'm getting like, I'm getting like-- - Yeah, no, me watching is just as bad as you feeling it. - I can't watch you guys let me do that to these guys. - And he goes pale. Defense test. - Seven. - Seven, you also have damage incoming and it's one point of damage, so I rolled minimum. The blade, yeah, it hits your back. - Who could have possibly foreseen this?

I'm twirling my, I'm twirling my Nerf gun. And it is your turn. This is a classic Spike Spiegel moment. Um, uh, I love the kind of woman that can kick my ass. Um,

Don't get free object interaction or just like whatever you want to do just try to justify it I will tell you what they so this ninja guy What are their facial? What is there all of them look like the foot clan from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? It's just like the bulb the the bug guys and the but they have eyes showing um yeah I'd say that they've definitely like painted. I got my axe body spray, okay? And

Get fucked. Enjoy your stay at the beach. Why does he smell like cigarette butts? Macy's. I try and blind him with the Axe body spray, and then if I can call that a free interaction, I'd like to then follow up and put my Nerf gun to his temple. Okay.

Blow him away. Ideally. I will give you the attack if you successfully blind him. If you fail, then that'll be your turn. Okay, I guess. How do I successfully blind him? By making an agility test. The DR is 12. Oh my gosh, they're ninjas. Oh!

He's double blinded, folks! Not only is he blind, he's permanently blind. He's lost vision forever. His eyes are blue. The axe has melted his eyes out of his head. He's racing forward with his sword and "You may have defeated my brother in DDR, but I-" He starts screaming like a sissy as he falls to his knees. It really is a shower of the camp.

I'm gonna say that this particular character, Ninja's DR is gonna drop because he's now blinded. Go ahead and make a agility test to see if you actually are able to pull the trigger, let's say. That's okay. You've done a huge service. No, we're good. We're okay. It's just the worst. His convulsing and squirming, it's hard to hit and the nerf goes wide. Hey, quit moving, man. Gary. I look at the honorable ninja combatants.

We're trying to fight fairly and with grace. And I see the guy who's blinded forever. And I see prime opportunity to cheat. And suck your virgin pulse.

Gary's special move is ball puncher. Time to cheat. He has iron fists of ball punch. I skate between his legs! But you're short. You're small. And just bow! You look back at all the times you've gone to the speedball machine in the arcade, and... That'll do it. 12. 12 does it. Especially with the reduced ER. With his reduced ER, I would have given you an 8 or higher, and you roll for damage.

Six. Six, and without any... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You exploded? Yeah, exploded. Oh my god. Six, nine, 13 points of damage. And... His balls exploded. That's more than twice what you needed. Yeah, his balls... Pow! You punch one... Shoot you!

You punch one and then the other and they shoot out of his mouth in a nightmare arcade configuration. It's like watching the Nutcracker on ice. This blind man experiences a nightmare beyond nightmares and falls over, clearly dead dead. It was a very honorable battle. Also, hey, arrest your ninjas. We killed two of your buddies. What are you going to do? Stab us with your ninja weapon? You feel out there?

Andy, you can feel the warmth of your own blood going down the side of your shirt and starting to get into your jeans. Weirdly, I am hearing what is happening around me, and I noticed that Galileo had the exact same idea that I had.

My goal was to try to incapacitate my attacker, especially given that I'm backed into a corner. I attempt to do the best that I can to wipe up the blood with my hand and spritz it in his face just to try to get some sort of upper hand as I am backed into a corner and losing a katana battle very badly. Okay. I'd say that would look like an agility test. Okay, not bad. 13. That's enough.

If he appears to be blinded, I'm able to redouble, even with just my katana in only one hand. I attempt to make a one-handed slash and a desperate move. You hit him, and he's briefly, temporarily, not permanently nightmare blinded, but you were able to get the attack in. That's gonna be a 10 to hit. And I would have reduced it to an 8, like I said earlier, so it's just enough roll for damage. What a lamb chop. Are you this one?

Yes. Yeah, I'm the red. That is gonna be nine, turn 11, 12, 13 points of damage. I roll almost max damage with my Malkatan. With three quick swipes, he separates at the knees, at the torso, and at the chest, and he falls into four different distinct sandwich pieces. And as he falls to the ground with a loud thud that my friends can hear, I fall into the arcade cabin next to me. Ah! Andy, no! Keep going! Keep going! That was so cool what you did, though!

That's Knuckles' turn. I look over and I see Galileo with the Axe Bray, and then I see Andy with the Bloodsport. I'm like, oh, we're winning, we're winning! Pocket gravy! And I reach into my pocket and pull out a Tupperware. Oh, yeah! Yes! Nona's gravy. Yes! With the meat chunks in it.

And I rip it off and I throw it in this guy's face as I try to follow up with a punch to the face. What? Oh man. And I'm probably gonna fail miserably. Knuckles at the entrance of 13 Beers is like, "What's your spaghetti policy?" Alright. How old is the gravy?

Oh, um, I would say it was made on Sunday. Yeah, Nona would never. So it's less than a week old. No, then that's six days old. What's that? It's Saturday today. So Sunday, it's a six day old gravy. Okay, less than a week. Nona's got some old gravy. Nona's gonna make more tomorrow. Why'd you say that about Nona? I'm just saying she's got some dusty, musty old gravy. I'll keep the DR the same. It's still 12. Make an agility test to see if you can land the gravy. Oh! Oh!

Nine. Nine. You push out and try to attack, but you hold on to the container, the Tupperware, no, no, you hold on to the Tupperware container, and instead of spraying out, like, the blood or the spray, it just falls like a brick right out and splatters against the ground, unable to reach the eyes of your enemy. Well, hoping that at least he's, like, looking at the brick of gravy. I'm gonna try to hit him. Oh, wow.

Big money! There we go. That's a 17 to hit. That's enough. Remember that your damage dice explode on one more range, too. Two, three, four, five, six points of damage. Still pretty good. I've only exploded once. Six is just enough. You're able to end this particular foe. Again, you smack him, and he falls down. Floating star.

And he is out for the count. That leads to their turn. With one ninja remaining, he looks at his brothers and he looks at you. You have bested us. Until next time. It is dishonorable to quit. Retreating shall bring dishonor to you and your clan. Yeah. Papa didn't raise no quitter. He's right. If you don't finish this up, it's dishonor all around. You can go ahead and be defeated right away. I mean, if you're a bitch. All I'm saying.

You're more than welcome to, if you're a bitch. I will be back when I can redeem my friends for vengeance. And he puts his hands against his forehead like this and... What? That's cheating! ...evaporates out of nowhere. Oh shit, Manio's instant transmission! The remaining four bodies that are on the ground flash and blink and all of a sudden they spill out tokens and tickets.

I need everyone to roll a d10 and take that many tokens, and I need everyone to roll a d8 and take that many tickets. Ooh! We got a chance to get lots of tickets here, tokens here. Eight tokens for me. Ah, fuck. Eight tokens for me. No, I got one. I suck. And then for tickets, you said it was a d6? Or d8? A d8 ticket. I think it's a d8 and d10. D10 tokens. Ooh, I got max tickets. D8 tickets. D8 tickets. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I've got 14 tickets now.

i have 10 tickets i slump against the the machine i'm bleeding against the cabinet my my v-neck is ruined andy your v-neck well i know i know gary i could it's your favorite one i have 30 more of them in the exact same color it's your favorite v-neck it could be it's hard to tell they're all the same listen gary yeah i don't know if i'm gonna make it man i think you will i need a beer

I think I need a beer. Yeah, me too, me too, man. Is there like a waitress around or something? What the fuck? Oh, cocktail waitress! Cocktail waitress! Oh, dear girl. Cocktail waitress! This isn't Las Vegas. You know that there are beer kiosks that you can go to where you can order drinks. All right, help me up, help me up. Okay, and it...

I can't believe you got me. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me just. That's fucked up. Here, I'm going to stick my hand into your wound. Do not do that. Ah! Ah!

Take it out! Take it out! I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna pass out. There we go. I'm gonna throw up. Gosh, Andy, how could you get yourself into such a predicament? I'm gonna throw up. Who has the roll of 500 tickets? Why would you attack those ninjas unprovoked? It's on the ground right next to Gary where he dropped it in order to engage him. I do not have... All I know is I don't have the 500 roll. I don't have the roll of 500 tickets.

And I'm just trying to get up and get... Who has them? Derek said they're on the ground. It was Gary dropped them. You guys are still mostly in this relatively shadow. I'm mind-grabbing them, but I never said that I had them. You got them then. No, I wasn't there. I have them. Oh, okay. Gary thinks he's got them. It's a 500 roll. Okay. All right. All right. Oh, God. So many scented... I only got three tokens. They're burning a hole in my pocket. I need a beer.

I think I can drink this off. Getting stabbed with a ninja sword fucking sucks. And I sliced up three of those guys. Oh, hold on! Did they leave their cool ninja weapons behind? We take a look around. Say again? Did they leave their cool ninja swords behind? No, just like in a side scroller. When they fall, their item flashes and disappears with them. It's just the tokens and the tickets that spill out. Sonic style. Okay.

Well, let's go to a kiosk. As we begin to... Gary helping me sticking his hands in my wounds, uh, and me-me hobbling along, I-I hear the Tamagotchi in my pocket go off again, and absentmindedly I think, "Oh, I should probably check on that." And I-I press a couple of buttons to see if I can take a look at my Tamagotchi. Uh, go ahead and make a presence test.

I look for Street Fighter 2 and see if there's any honey's playing. My presence is exactly a 10. Exactly a 10. I think I rolled that exactly last time. Exactly a 10. You briefly think of the woman stuck in the clock as you look down at your Tamagotchi. I think that's dark. It doesn't seem to be doing too well. The Tamagotchi? No.

And I stick it back in my pocket because my only goal is to get another beer from the vending machine. That little digital critter really is covered in shit. Is that what that is? Yeah, that's supposed to be all dookie right there. Who would make this? And I stick it back in my pocket as we continue to go to the beer vending machine. You find your way to the beer vending machine. And it's not a machine so much as it is a kiosk where they will serve any of a limited range of beers and alcoholic cocktails.

Oh, they got a new ad for the Disney Cruise Line. Hold on, let's watch. Oh, and the Rothwell. Oh, pretty cool. They have this on Carnival. That looks nice. That looks real nice. I think it just lost probably. This is going to stop bleeding soon. Are those Stitch costumes now? It doesn't look good. It doesn't feel good. I look at my tokens, I look at this kiosk, and I think to myself, food, beer, and I put in two tickets and I get a beer.

There's a server there ready for you. I just put two tokens on the table and I say, "Beer, please." A hard night at the local cheese? I'm covered in blood. Yeah, a lot of gang violence. It's just really, it's tough. Nights can be hard sometimes. Thank you. I'll have all three beers up to my limit, please.

All three beers up to your limit? All three beers up to my limit, yep. You haven't had any other beers? No, not at all. Can I see your hands? Can you see? Oh, God. The back of him got cut off in a ninja attack. Then I will surely be able to see the wounds, sir. Oh, yeah. Let's see the wounds here. Hold on. Let's see.

Hold on. Can you give me a moment? Sure. Andy, you cut off the back of my hands. What? Cut off the back of my hands? No, I'm not going to do that. They're going to be able to see me bleeding. You have a sword, Andy, even though it may be a ball sword. I do have a sword. I mean, it's not very sharp, though. Like, I'm going to be honest. I don't think she was made of metal. Oh, yeah. The back of my hands got cut off, too. And I'm going to, in my pocket, the leftover Nona's regular in my pocket, get them covered. Oh, look. Oh.

Make a presence test. Andy, come here, bro. I don't have any hands. Just let me in your blood. Oh, yeah. Oh, duh. I let everybody who wants to rub their hands all over my bloody shirt. What is getting there, bro? I washed my hands in the bathroom. It's going to be infected. Ten? Make a presence test. Oh, look at my bloody hands. Oh.

Oh yeah! We lost our handbacks! Uh, Galileo and Gary make presents. It was crazy! 14th. 14th? Uh oh.

Six. She's already handing a beer to Gary as you, the first beer, as you put your hands out before and the ragu immediately slides off and you can very clearly see the stines on the back of each of your hands or blood from Andy's shirt. And she looks offended.

You clearly have already hit your maximum. What? No! Yeah! Why would you come into an arcade and tell lies? Oh, Galileo, who would do that? No, I think the blood just settled like this. Who would do that? I'm so sorry. How could you? I didn't. No. No. Galileo. I'm sorry. How could you? I'm sorry. His mother's a very bad example. Some of us are bleeding out here, Galileo. You shut your mouth about my mother. Gary, okay? She's a bad example.

You both keep your beers, but she looks at the four of you. I'm sorry, you're just at the limit. There's nothing I can do. See, my hands...

See, I'm good, 'cause I rolled a four. No, but my boy here's good. He's good. He's good. Check his hands. He's good. I rolled a 10. I mean, that's pretty good. I mean, the DR was 12, as is tradition. Shit, I tried. Well, fuck. No, no. Oh, yeah, sorry. These kids and their tricks these days. Look, lady, I've had a tough day.

The backs of my hands got cut off by ninjas. That's not true. I got stabbed by a ninja sword, lady. Look, this is real. I hear I got stabbed by a ninja sword in the local cheese every day. Look! And I'm like, this is a wound. And I lift up my shirt and I'll show my flesh. Yeah, yeah, it's a classic cap. Do I get my three beers or no? I gave you the one beer, but I'm not confident in any of you. I have to stop serving. Look at my hand!

If you've suffered injuries go upstairs to the food area and enjoy some some pizza. I'm just gonna say Let's go upstairs. Let's go back to where the food is. We can swipe up here. It looks so cold We can steal some beers. We'll swipe them right off the bar. Okay. No, we gotta stop by that. I can hear you You're already buzzkill a and B conversation see yeah, yeah, yeah What's your name?

Monica. Monica, that's a beautiful name. It was my mother's name. I prefer Phoebe. What's your favorite dinosaur, Monica? My favorite dinosaur? Your favorite dinosaur. What's your favorite dinosaur? I never know. The Broke's Compsognathus? Oh, you're in love. Did he just say Compsognathus? You're in love. Yeah, what? The Broke Compsognathus. Oh. Sir.

What, you've never seen a pro-comsoc Nathus before? I think it's a cumsoc. Look at this handsome figurine. I'm not hearing whatever he's saying. It has a detachable chunk. I heard it too. Pro-cumsoc Nathus. No, pro-comsoc Nathus. He's got an accent. He's from Newark, Jersey. He's just speaking plain English. That's my favorite dinosaur. Why? Oh my god. He's speaking plain English. Look at this handsome plastic figurine of a pro-comsoc Nathus. It's got a detachable chunk and I would gladly trade this

for one beer. That's all I ask. It's just been a hard day. I find it in your heart to have pity on a poor rhinoceros man who was stabbed by a ninja sword. Please. Presence test. I think it's gonna work. Don't make me beg. Thank fucking God. Fifteen. Fifteen. That's all I can say about that. That's a lot. Let me have the benzoin. And I'll take the beer. Beer for you.

And the rest of us. Oh, thank you, thank you. I need the tokens. I can't just give you free beer. I only have one token left. I gave you the two. Can I get one more?

Yeah, why did you give us all just one free beer? I'm not here to give away free beers. I'm just gonna pretend that I didn't see that you hit the mat. Fine, fine, fine. Can anybody spot me a token? Spot me a token. I need one more beer. I'll spot him. Didn't you already have a beer? Yeah, but I want a second. No, don't push your fucking luck! I'll spot you a token. Yeah, he owes me a token. Are you gonna serve us two beers each?

I'm giving you each one more beer for two tokens of beer. Okay, okay. All right, all right, here you go. Guys. That's my sixth beer. I'm up to six beers. I'm double this thing. I finished a whole six pack. I gotta be honest, guys, I'm feeling pretty good. I feel the whole six pack. And to be clear,

You had one beer, you had one beer, she served you one beer, and she served you one beer. Each for two tokens apiece. Him, two. Wait, you two? I was trying to push for two. You didn't get two beers. Okay, then you still keep your token, I'll keep mine. So we all got one beer. And I'm at five. She thinks that she just gave each of you the fourth beer. But she accepted the dinosaur in return. And she served us only one beer. Because you were nice. So I'm at five, I still have to roll. I gotta roll a d20. Because this is my fifth beer. We still have to pay for all of them.

Including me, you know I gave her the dinosaur. I paid for mine. The dinosaur was to ignore the maximum, not to give you free beer. You have had six beers. I'm at six now. And everyone else is at five now? At five, we roll for curses, and I turn the music back on. Ooh, I got a 13. Weirdly enough. Is that pro comp song made this?

Oh, let's fucking go. Oh, no, it's not. Try to be high for once. Uh, where is my tabler? Hmm, welcome to Sur la Table. Okay, Andy. Thirteen. Thirteen, great choice. You gain plus two strength and agility for one hour.

How does that affect our model or your modifier so I go up to 13 which I think is a breakpoint which gives me the I 13 presence which is plus one yes I get plus one training you said agility that bumps me up to 16 with that's a breakpoint. That's it. Let's do so then I'm a plus 15 is the best possible thing you could have gotten with what you were

Holy shit. That's actually for an hour? Okay, so I'm plus, yeah, for at least an hour, whatever that means in game, right? So I'm plus one strength, now plus two agility. Gary, what'd you roll? I got a ten. You got a ten. Yep. One of your limbs is replaced by a robot limb.

There's only one correct limb. There's only one correct limb. If you want to get to the Street Fighter 2 machine, there's only one correct limb. Wait, Gary! Gary, why is your penis a Segway? I'm like an Itchworm!

This is so funny. Knuckles. This is so fucked up. I got a 17. 17, uh... You permanently gain +1 toughness. Oh, let's fucking go. Oh, does it give you a break point? Nice. It does. Oh, let's go! And... Did you want me to roll? Yeah. Oh, no, I'm sorry. You were at the sixth level, right? I rolled at five and just got the big head again. You're good. If you want to roll, I'll give it to you. Can I stop having a big head?

Oh yeah. You got big head again. I'm sorry. He did twice. That was ages ago. That would have faded. 18? Have we already gotten 18? I don't know. I don't think we have. We have not gotten an 18. I'm bolding them as I go along. This is gonna be rad. You may choose because you're at a break point, and I asked if you wanted to. You can only speak in catchphrases would be your prompt. That's hard. It's a tough one. That's tough. You don't have to take it. I'll swap you.

Robotic limb for talking. I will allow it. I will allow it. If you want robotic limb. I'll swap for robotic limb. But you already said you gotta grab the robotic limb off of him. Yeah, you have to take it. Yeah, you have to grab it.

Put it in my hand. I love that it's on the battle cam. Gary, please put it in my hand. Get over there. Give me a robotic limb. Come on, don't be shy. Now I'm feeling shy. For some reason you think of your experience in the restroom as you transfer this beer feeling. Are you sure you guys only had four beers?

No, no, we had way less than that. Way less than that. We're gonna go eat. Thank you. Goodbye. Quick, do the limit scene part. Get out of here. If you have to do it, just do it. It actually detaches and then skitters off like an alien towards you. I hate everything about this.

I'm so glad you guys can't see below the table. So now you can only talk in catchphrases. Oh, ho, ho, wow! Whoa! Whoa, you alright? I gotta be honest, that looks like it hurts, man. Oh, I think he said it to maximum vibrate before he passed it over. Oh!

You guys talk amongst yourselves for a few minutes while you make your way up to the stairs. Better ingredients! Better pizza! Papa John's! Guys!

I gotta be honest with you. I'm prioritizing beer like a good person should, but I think I need a little bit of rejuvenation here. My shoulder's really hurting. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Thank you, Gary. That's very kind of you. Are you State Farm in this? You're not my neighbor, you're my roommate. When you wish, your postcard. Gary, thank you. That means so much. You really just know what to say when I'm down in the dumps. You just have a way with words, man. Thank you. And...

At Eastern Motors. Your job's your credit. All I'm gonna say is, how many tokens you guys got? I might need you to lend me a token, man. For the one I lent you earlier. Bruh, I'll be happy to lend it to you, man. I only got one token left. I got one token left, too. You can have it for food. I've got seven tokens, I mean. No, because you're basically rich, man. I mean, how did that happen? I mean... We killed a lot of people. I guess we did kill a lot of people, and I rolled pretty well twice. I mean... I've got a need!

for greed. I scamper over to that machine. Gary, wait, before you go, how many tokens do you have? Ah, he's already gone. Ah, okay.

Ew, don't show me that. Are you wearing anything in there? I'm going to the bajillion tickets. Oh, you're going to the Tower of Power. Yeah, you see the Tower of Power because of its height across the arcade room and you disappear on your rollerblades to get as close as possible. Waiting just a few players, you find yourself in front of it, one token away from potential glory. Has his robes always been purple? Ha ha ha.

He's changing. I don't know. It's weird. I don't understand. Something weird is going on. I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid. I put in two tokens. One token. It's only one. It's only one token. One token to play the Tower of Power. I like how he's to consult himself about what he's going to say. Mikey, what should I say? Oh, I can't really fuck this up. I guess I'm gonna have to joke.

You put a token in and you see the lights going up and down. What in the hell? And you get a natural 20. The second power roll. The first roll is a natural 20. Unbelievable. The odds of this would be absurd. You nailed the median. It's the exact series of lights and LEDs. You'd have no way of knowing this, but it is the exact...

I thought that impressive. I did that exactly. It's not that cool. I mean, that was pretty cool. But you aren't lucky. In this moment, it's going... And you're watching as closely as you can. See how you're laughing? Greed is good. God, I thought that was a 20 for a second. Take a bite out of crime. Scruff McGruff Chicago and Noah 60652. All right, get out of the way. I'm way better at this machine than you are.

My shirt is slowly turning more dark red. Guys, are we just gonna stay here and do this? He's looking very pale. Almost as pale as... Almost as pale. Not quite middle, somewhere above. Knuckles, I'm worried, man. I gotta eat something. No, it's gonna be fine. I need these tickets. What is that? I did it! God, I did it!

and all of a sudden uh the machine goes and

lane of tickets comes out. It hits the patterned carpet and it starts to fold. It starts to do the fold. Oh, if I just let it go, it just does its thing. Knuckles, you did it! I did it! You did it! That was awesome! Gnarly, gnarly, gnarly! And you look over and you realize that all the hot goth chicks are watching and they're like...

Hey! That guy got it. That's cool. Hey. Hey. You want my gun? Oh, is that like, is that you, is that 1,500 tickets? We got like 1,500 tickets. That's a lot of tickets. Well, I have 1,000 tickets and you guys have 500.

Well, no, I guess I get my share of that 500, so I have 1,000 tickets. I have... What's one-fifth? I guess it's four of us. It's not five of us. It's 125. It's 125. Wow, that was quick math, man. Yeah, I'm bleeding out. So I have 1125 tickets, and you guys each have 125 tickets. I have 125 tickets. All right, well, I have 125 plus...

How many this is? What are you gonna get with your... I don't even know. With your 1100? How much was that big ass fucking sword? I was gonna say, man. Oh, the big sword was... I think it was like 50. You could get 20 Buster Swords. You mean the wide sword with the gems in it? I think it was like 50 tickets.

What? There's no way. It must have been... Wait, can you just help me to the circuit counter? I'll go in. Well, hold on. They're still coming. They're still... What is that? You hear the sound of clapping behind you. What is that? And you turn and you see the large eyes of the manager standing there. Looks like you guys managed to get the Tower of Power. The moment... I'm buzzed every time someone hits it so that I can make sure it's for real. The moment that he stops talking, I'm holding my shoulder. I walk up to him and I go...

I step back.

Hey, what? We got you guys on camera, tampering with one of the machines! No you don't. You don't. You don't have us. You don't have us on anything. Well, can you just... Can you hold off? It's still going. I mean, the tickets are still coming out. I gotta let 'em, you know, finish. So I'm just gonna ignore you while this happens. I mean, you can talk to them, but I'm gonna make sure I get my tickets. You're all culpable! We had to repair that machine! That cost man hours! You can't even spell culpable.

C-U-L-P-E-A-- I don't have to inflate myself for you! He can do it. Sizzler is the one that brings us choices. Reach it out across the USA. I'm sorry, my roommate's having a stroke. Each and every day. Get a little freedom in your life.

All over America, a quiet revolution has been taking place. More and more, both parents are working and raising families. Life seems to be moving faster than ever. And Americans have rediscovered and are redefining what's really important in their lives. They want quality in their personal life, in their business life, in the goods they purchase, and in the food they eat. There it is. They want good basic home cooking.

Quality food, and they want choices. Variety, all at a reasonable price. Americans want value. Is that one catchphrase, or how does that work? I mean, I guess from a certain point of view. Dude, cool.

Oh, you're putting another coin in the tower coin? Is it like locked up? The actual insert has shifted in such a way that you cannot insert a coin while it is dispensing tickets. I don't know what your friend is on. How much have you guys had to drink?

Look at you! I don't think we've had anything. We only had like one beer maybe. Maybe one beer. It was two. Maybe one beer. If you like pita coladas... Why wouldn't you guys have one beer? Exactly! That was the beer. That was it. What are you gonna say? What are you gonna do, narc? No, I had two. I mean, you can see I only had two though. I need everyone to make a presence test. Oh shit. Hey Reggie! Dude, did you ever find that pervert?

Oh, no, I failed. There wasn't anyone based on your distribution, no. Oh man, you're not good at safeguarding this place from perverts. Five. Twelve. Seven. Oh boy. Three. Uh, thirteen. Oh! I have one question for you. I don't care about the machine. Have you all been having fun? I mean... I mean, yeah, we come every week, of course we're having fun. Yeah, but I gotta be honest, this has been a pretty notable week, actually. I'm having a really good time. Yeah, there's a lot going on. One more fuck-up, lads.

And I'll ban you from this store forever. I don't think he's ever said the F word before. Gag me with a spoon. This might be serious. One more. I'll call security and we'll throw you out onto the street. Oh, Reggie, dude. Chill out. This is like the last place in this town that we can drink at. We don't want to lose this. That doesn't surprise me. Okay, hurtful. Hurtful. I need you to take a step back, okay? Yeah. Yeah, you fix those pants.

What are we gonna do, guys? Americans want choice. Enjoy your tickets. Sizzler's the ones who brings you choices. But consider this your final warning, okay? Done. Understood. Understood. Well, all right. He hitches his pants up one more time, and he looks over and sees whatever minor fence or disturbance that needs his next attention, and he makes his way down and through the arcade floor, leaving the four of you alone. And it's right at that moment...

It stops. The last ticket's still hanging out of the dispensary slot. There it is, a thousand tickets, fellas. I mean, you have somehow hidden from the manager a reel of 500 tickets. And it's the size of, like, a film reel. This is a thousand, but stacked. And it's a tall, huge bundle, like one long spaghetti worth of tickets all nested at the floor. All right.

Hey Knuckles, I'm proud of you man. You're frustrated because you do rip the 900- the thousands ticket. Oh! It stays in the- you didn't quite pull it right. You didn't quite pull it right. I can tape it! Oh, that's really getting me. I can tape it, hold on. Uh... Knuckles, Knuckles man, look it doesn't- You didn't tape? Dude, it doesn't matter. Look, you have 1100 tickets. Well, I guess I have 1100 plus 10. You got a bunch man. My point is, let's go see what you can get, but do me a favor.

I gotta go get a bite to eat after this. We gotta go back up. No, me too. Carpe diem! And look, I got a plan. I got a plan, okay? Let's go check out the... Three. Three. The Shriner Tower of Power. Yeah? Ah! Ah! Ha ha!

Wow! Gary, I don't think you should both roll those tokens, man. We won the prize. You know how rigged this is? Like, it's a miracle the Knuckles even did it. We need those tokens, dude. I only have one. Dude, you have like a 1 in 400 chance.

I know, I mean, Knuckles explained it, he said it's like 1 in 10. It's only a 1 in 20. Whoa, wait, who the hell are you? Gary White? Oh yeah, who is this guy? I'm the Big Titty Goth Girl. I should have known. Oh, oh. Oh, Big Titty Goth Girl. Immediately, I stop touching my shoulder, I straighten up, and I pretend like it's-- I try not to wince. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go. What's, uh... He got another 20 on the Tower of Power for his first roll. She turns around and-- Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. She's gone.

She's- oh shit, Ascendant, I'm trying to be cool, but I'm trying to watch my buddy play the game. Ah! Okay. Gary, come on, man. You're wasting your tokens, bro. It's not gonna happen. I'll be back. I thought people were clapping for you, but it was just that girl walking away. Oh, man. You should've gone for it. Bravo!

Guys, come on, I'm telling you, please. Ticket counter, ticket counter. Let's go, let's go, come on. Please, Garrett, I'm begging you, man. As your roommate, I'm asking you, please. Please, when you're here with your family, then be my family and help me get to the ticket counter. Fosters. It's Australian for beer. Oh, speaking of, I could use another beer. We go to the ticket counter. You make your way to the ticket counter, and en route, you feel any, uh, uh, uh,

curses that aren't permanent fade from you or that didn't last a certain amount of time. Specifically, I'm targeting Gary's sketch frame. And your robot cock disappears. Oh man. Unfortunately. You hear a clang and it shuffles down to one of your pant legs. Oh my leg! Oh, it's skewed into a hole in the wall! Back to the ticket counter. Jesus.

All right, come on, man. This is your chance. I've never seen anybody win the Tower of Power before. This is you. This is all you. That was the first time, man. That was awesome. No, I mean, it's wild. That was unbelievable. But it's just a 1 in 20 chance, and on average, you're hitting it with 20 tokens. But it's a miracle how rad this thing is. Well, yeah. The cashier is dealing with another customer. You hear them say, a wise choice. You will be happy with your determination. Man.

Oh, you are back. Oh, hey, Lenny. How's Billy doing? I told you earlier how Billy is doing. Maybe you called him on your lunch break. I don't know. It is 9 p.m. Maybe on your dinner break, man. Don't be such a drag. I don't know. When I know him, he was, well, you know, ever since the... You don't have to get into all that.

What can I get for this? It's a thousand and change tickets. Oh, well done. I see that you have 999 tickets there. Well, no, but I have... Well, one of them is taped together, but we don't accept those. Oh, fuck. Well, fine. I have 1,009 tickets. With 1,009 tickets, you could purchase... Perhaps I could interest you in the local Cheese Mystery Beer Box six-pack.

How many tickets is that? It's 999 tickets. Oh, I mean, that's so many tickets for beers, we can just get beers here. These are very alcoholic beers. Well, we should maybe hear about that. How do they count for? Well, each beer counts as two, but they also deliver three curses. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, hold on, I mean look- What else do you got? That sounds amazing, I'm a big fan of beer, but like what about- we need some gear, man. What can I get for 500? You could also purchase two- for 500 you could purchase two cheap plastic virtual ping pong games. Two of them? We could each have one. Two? For the apartment! Aw. Yeah, we could each have one. Well, how do we just get one? It comes with two like paddles, right? Well, because you usually hog stuff that we buy for the apartment together, man. I get the truth. Anything else I can get between 500 and the thousand? And then when we come over, man, we can all play together. Oh.

You got two. What's that giant fucking sword? What is that called? The buster sword only costs 50 tickets. Are you fucking serious? I don't know how that's possible. What are the melee weapons that might use strength? Every melee weapon uses strength. What kind of melee weapons you got other than the buster sword? We also have an aluminum bat for 30 and...

That's all the items that you would have to without us going back and forth negotiating creatively because we didn't think that you'd be able to get this number of tickets. What kind of armor items we got? Whatever you can imagine. Whatever you can imagine. Don't you have maximum armor already? Yeah, but I want some cool armor. I guess I'll take the Master Sword. Is that what you called it?

The Buster Sword, yes. Hold on! What kind of Materias are those? Oh yeah! Well, there's the fire connected to an All Materia. Wait, what does the All Materia do again? It makes sure that you hit all enemies at once when you strike it against the ground, something will fire. Whoa! What?! Hang on, hang on. Whoa! What are those? What rank fire Materia? Is it Fire Thrift? Is that Fireaga? It's just regular fire. You'll have to expand on your own. You're gonna have to grind, I'm afraid.

Oh, you're just gonna have to catch fire 500 times. Why don't we just get four of those? I mean, like, we could all just have one. I'm gonna have one of those inflatable guitars, one of those inflatable saxophones. I would like ten scented erasers, ten poofy pops, three rubber bands, four finger puppets,

Uh... I want that clock. We don't have any Gak. Do they have any Gak? I want that... Oh, yeah. Do you have any Gak? Yes, of course. I was saying.

*laughter* Got him. He fell for that. He's gonna lose it. She just comes over and she's in the Gak Gak Gak! Sorry Lenny, that was easy, man. *laughter* Gak Gak Gak got him! The Gak is only five tickets. They never see it coming. How many people are gonna be hit with that today? I mean, I tell them. God, my shoulder hurts. I would like those little capsules that you put in water and they turn into dinosaurs. Yes, I have those. I'd like maybe twelve of those. That will be twelve tickets. Uh, let's see, let's see, let's see. I'd like that clock.

I added the clock already. Okay, good. Would you like a second one? No, no, no, no. Your total right now is at 477 tickets. I'll have... Oh, we got us a lot. We got us a lot. You ordered, like, everything they got, man. Let me get... Shucks. Um, let me get a couple of those shark figurines. Maybe seven of those.

If I'm in the shark figurines for a moment, I'm gonna have to actually pull out a calculator. Let's have the very cool hermit crab habitat. No, I don't think they have any living animals here. We have many living animals here. We have anything you could imagine. This is the way. You know, okay. I'll make the rules here, man. We're at 547 tickets. How many? 547 is your current. You split your 500 tickets, I thought, amongst us. You only have like 125 tickets, man. I never agreed to that. Oh, shit.

He's holding the reel of tickets under his puppet arms. Shoot. Just 'cause I said, just 'cause I said, "Oh, doodles." Aw, man. He's Canadian for years. Everybody can get a little something. We have plenty. We can share a little bit. Look, I got 14 tickets. I need 16 more for that aluminum bag. Has he piled up all that stuff meticulously on the counter? Let me get the aluminum bag. I slap it all back towards him. Never mind. It's me.

The aluminum's way more than the metal of this shitty mall katana. I'm gonna have to take a hundred of your tickets. You broke one of the clocks and freed the soul within. We'll take a couple of baps. You feel the reel under your arm shrink as a hundred tickets vanishes magically from your side.

We'll take the wrestling bet. Yes! Awesome! Awesome! This is- this is so much better than this blunt mall katana! Could I-

I would like to purchase an inflatable saxophone. You're taking four bets, all told? Well, no, I want three. I have this jockey fucking sword. Three. Okay. Yeah, he wants the Buster Sword. I have the Buster Sword. So it's, and we won't do it RP style. What does the Buster Sword do? It's 50, so you're at... I'm at 959 tickets. Yeah, exactly. 949. Because 50...

He had like an additional ten tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much damage does he really want to bat? 2d8. 2d8. I'll have... Well, he's had... How much damage does the Buster Sword do? 66. How much does the Buster Sword do? 50. I'll have one of those! When you grab it, you go...

This is actually a metal sword the size of what Cloudy's sword would have been. What is your strength sword? It's 16. 16? It's not enough. The strength requirement is 18. Oh, never mind. Oh!

Oh, because this is really heavy. Oh, it's okay, man. Knuckles, what's the matter, man? You can't pick it up? You just cast fire nonstop. I guess I could drag it around and cast fire nonstop. I think that's a really good idea. You need to be able to slam it down in an attacking motion. Well, what if I, like, lift the whole thing up like this? Ugh.

And just throw the whole thing on the ground. That's very charming, but I don't need to have played World of Warcraft to know that you wouldn't be able to enjoy some of the magical benefits of something if you didn't meet the strength requirement. Oh, I guess that's a good point. I mean, do you have anything that increases your strength by two? How many tickets you got? 959. But I want to buy my friend Galileo something nice. Um...

I'll take the buster sword, man. Do you have anything that increases your strength by nine? You look up, and for 500 tickets, there's one of those stretchy things that you can exercise with, with two handles on either side and four band springs in between. Yes, if you use that for a week, you will increase your strength. How much? How much does it increase your strength by? By two. For a week? Yes. We don't have a week, man.

How is it for that jar of sea monkeys? You're here every... for sea monkeys? Yeah. That is actually going to be... That big old fit jar of sea monkeys. That's actually my sea monkeys. Those are my pets. Why are you enunciating that? Yeah, what's going on, Gary? What's your goal? Can you say that again? Can you say that again? The sea monkeys are not for sale. They're mine.

Guys, I'm getting lightheaded. Alright. Your friend looks close to passing out. I appreciate the bat. I think it'll be good. Yo, y'all got a bat? I need a bite to eat, man. Well, hang on. Do you have any guns? We don't have any actual firearms, if that is what you are asking. But we do have one of these large Nerf bazookas. They're really quite fun. How much? I'm going to say that they are 40. We'll have four.

I don't want the bazooka, man. I'm not a good shot. My arm's busted. You got a bazooka. Okay, I've got a Nerf bazooka. You got a bazooka. Well, I guess if I can't wield this thing, I'll still keep it, but... Oh, I will take the inflatable saxophone. Yes, that was already included. You knocked it on the ground when you destroyed the clock, freeing her forever. Well, it's all folded up and not inflated, so it's very pristine. Yes, no, the saxophone was only 10 tickets. That's fine. Oh, goodness. Oh, uh... I don't know what else to ask.

Any piggy banks? Of course. 50 tickets. Does that come with any tokens in it? Why would it? That doesn't make any sense. Fuck. Infinite money glitch. I think we're done here. Yeah, please, hurry up. I'm hurting here, guys. Do you have any kind of like, maybe like a putt-putt golf club? Absolutely. I would say that that's 60 tickets.

Would that be like mechanically more powerful than the aluminum bat? Alright, we're going to give it to you for the exact mechanical rules as the aluminum bat. Nope, done. I'll take the gold one. Is my saxophone also the aluminum bat rules? No. It's made from air and plastic, man. Dang it.

You can hit somebody with a jazz guitar? Do you have any upgrades to the inflatable saxophone to be like that? I will say that the inflatable saxophone is a one per use plus five to any presence test. Okay. It makes you more charming. Okay. Do you have any gloves? We have many gloves. Some are fingerless. That's fine. Just wear your cheapest gloves.

We have these for four tickets, and they're like little Hello Kitty gloves. I'll take them! There you are. Well, I immediately put them on to cover my stamps. As soon as you put one on, you can feel this little tear. They're so cheaply made. Leonard, it has not been a pleasure. Thank you for all of your sheep junk. I prefer Lenny. Bye-bye. Should we get the pack of beer? The six-pack? No.

I don't want to have to juggle all those curses. Oh, and what if they're permanent? Yeah, they probably are, frankly. Look, drinking comes with a cost, man. I mean, like, we've learned this over the course of our adventure. Yeah, right. How much for the six pack? You feel a tremendous amount of fear for Andy as he's warning you against drinking in this moment. I'll give you the rest of my tickets. How many tickets do you all have shared together? I mean, we got like a lot.

Well, how much is it? It's 999 tickets, as I said before. Oh, well, I mean, I have 894 left. I got, like, 200 or something. I mean, we could get there. Let's do it. Well, I have six tickets. I've got about 14. I think we pull our tickets together and drink some crazy-ass beers.

All of the beers are mystery flavored. That's why they call it the mystery pack. Oh, I'm gonna end up with something awful. Well, look, we have the tickets. We could always come back for it if we need it. I don't know if I want to spend all of our tickets on weird flavored beer. If it tastes bad, it's like, what's the point? I bet it's blue flavored. I understand it's kind of like those jelly beans where sometimes it's absolutely delicious and other times it's the least favorite thing to eat. No, I don't want to do that. No.

You're gonna give me some gross shit, you fucking freak! Fine! You're gonna give me this like shit-flavored, piss-flavored soda? Listen, I don't control the inventory. I don't control the inventory. I got a plan, guys. I got a plan. Alright, let's go. Let's go. I just need to get a bite. I need some of the lemon juice. No, me too. Okay, okay! We're skating out over. So, I would like to attempt to corral my friends who are like cats in this instance. Take a token, bro. Thank you. And go to find a table

near the food vendor so I can at least buy some food to heal up a little bit. That's my goal. You know that there are... I see, like, maybe one or two more. I'll have a drink. Just one more. That's good. That's good. There's the, uh... You still want one? Three tokens. I'm good. There's the barcade area that you ate, uh, at initially, but you know that the closest, uh...

restaurant is actually here through an elevator or up the stairs from this arcade floor all the way to the top where on the second floor there is a show, an entertainment show. That's where the animatronic band that they feature in all of their...

local cheese commercials play. And even though the stage is shallow and their singing is strange and their movements are awkward, that is the closest place where you'd be able to enjoy a hot dog or a beer or a pizza. - Which is perfect because it absolutely falls in line with my plan. - Okay. - I just need a bite to eat. - All right. - And once I get that, I'll be good to go. - Yeah. - But look, those assholes that are watching that show, they're not paying attention.

They're engrossed by that stupid animatronic band. We can easily, EASILY swipe a dozen beers apiece. Oh, you're saying? But I just gotta get a bite first. Yeah! Let's go! What do you think? Well, yeah, let's get some food and then we'll steal some. I love it! Look, it's dark. Everybody's paying attention to the animatronics. They're having a jamboree! Kinda, yeah. Have you seen it? I mean, you're like spot on. Yeah, it's probably a jamboree.

I mean, we literally come here every week. You walk up and there's a big arch. You walk up, there's a big arch that says The Jamboree at the top. And you make your way in and you see a sign above this, not a sign above the stage, but one of those tent signs next to the extremely ancient, almost rotting animatronic mechanical bodies of the various animals that are on stage. How are they moving?

I will show you. What do you mean, "show us"? Oh...

God, I hate these things. It's really uncanny. Oh, it never gets any easier, does it? Sometimes they skip some movements and they have to catch up and it's jerky and awful. You know, my little brother's obsessed with some of these fuckos on the internet. I know. Why? They think it's scary or something. Oh, that makes them obsessed with it. Oh, the World Wide Web. Yeah, the World Wide Web. You hear a voice as you walk in. And that was us pretending to...

bring in the New Years, wasn't that so exciting? You hear from the voice of this disturbing, almost opossum looking like raccoon who's at the center of the band. His teeth are all jambled together, it looks like a lumber pile more than it is teeth. Now let's get back to our regular scheduled program. Let's listen to some honky tonk and all of the other creatures at his side start to immediately play and you walk into the food area.

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You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. I look at the four tokens in my hand, three of which were given to me from my friends, and I look at the tokens as I hold my bloody shoulder and I say...

I can't believe I'm gonna do this. And I go over to the token, the food vendor. I place all four tokens down and I say, can I have a hamburger? You bet. They take your tokens and they go back. They grab one of the wrapped under the heating lamp burgers and they slap it down. There's shame in my eyes.

They're shaming my eyes that I could've ordered two beers and I didn't. They slide a familiar tray across the desk. The counter. I unwrap the burger and I eat it. You... I'm self-sat. ...may heal... I'm self-sat. ...a D8. Three. Not bad. Not bad. I'm over half. Uh, what's bacon jam?

Bacon jam? Yeah. I don't know, Gary. I've never heard of that. I'm asking the waiter. Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking to me. The guy at the counter. You're never not talking to me. I don't know. You know, what do you want from me, man? What's bacon jam? Oh, hold him further back here. Man, I don't know. I don't know. He's really washed out if he's dirty. Oh, shucks. I wasn't getting any sugar. Yeah, you can just rest on me. Lean on me when you're not strong. Breathe, breathe. He's like a white nurse. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. That's fine. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Hey, my friend asked what bacon jam was. Are you going to answer him? I don't know. I'm just here to serve. Uh...

What kind of fries you got? Like crinkly? No shoestring? No. Oh, do you have waffle? No. I'll have, I guess, some nachos and a ginger ale, please. All right. That'll be three tokens. And healing-wise, what does that give me? That would be equivalent of a D4 and a D2.

I don't know if that's- You know what? I'll get a fucking cheeseburger and a fucking ginger ale. Fuck it. That'll be a D8 and a D2. That'll be five tokens. That's all I have.

What ice cream flavors do you have? I'll push all of my tokens across the counter. You can see the menu. We've got like, I don't know, like rum raisin. You know, Andy, cheese is free. You could have gotten some American cheese on it. Look, I'm not thinking right, okay? It's the blood loss, but the burger's making me feel better. Cheers. Cheers. We cheers burgers as we eat our disgusting, like, reheated burgers. It's like a Goofy movie style. Yes! Oh, yeah. Ugh.

How much is an ice water? An ice water's free. Will that heal me? No. Fuck! How much is a root beer float? D8, D2. It'll be one token. How much does that heal? D2. I'll have a root beer float, please. I'll take one token. That's a total, right? Okay. Four, five. That's D2, so yeah, that's two. Oh, you're good. Okay, that's not terrible. That's not terrible. Oh, that's exactly maxed out. Beautiful. Where's my D2?

You could always just roll a d4 and divide it in two. Oh fuck. I'm almost max health. I- I- I try to rework my shoulder, get the s- the sound. Okay, I'm feeling a little bit better, guys. Look, here's the goal. As soon as the lights get dim, we fan out, we drink drinks, okay? I need another drink. I'm starting to get a little sober here. I don't like it. No, I know. Sober up. I need another drink. I need at least two. I mean, I'm like only five in. What time is it? It's gotta be approaching 10:35 at least.

I need at least three or four more. And I think last call's at like 11:30. What kind of place is this? I'll have a beer. Make a presence test to see how soberly you ask this question. Oh, hey, my good man. If the soup of the day is fucking tomato soup again. I got a chew. Can I see your hands, sir? Why do you need to see my hands? Because you're slurring a little bit. Your mom said I had nice, soft hands.

My mom died seven years ago. Oh, that's exactly when it happened. He got me caught up in it, man. He got me caught up in it. And also, soup of the day, beer is basically soup in its own liquid bread bowl. Except it has alcohol. Tomato soup doesn't have alcohol. It's made of bread, man. There's a strict policy. I could get fired. This is like my summer job. Wait a minute. I have an issue.

With this candle? It's gonna make my beard cool. Why is there a beer limit? You're dripping. If it's... You're dripping. If it's 21 plus. Because, like, people get rowdy in here. We want to make sure this is a safe and fun environment. I didn't know I was in the USSR. That's very fitting. I don't set the policy, dude.

I'm behind the iron curtain. Gary, I mean, look, I'm with you, man. I like to drink as much as the next guy, but I think it's illegal for bars to over-serve their patrons. I just feel like I'm on the other side of the Berlin Wall. Very topical.

for this time period. I wait to see if there are people who aren't necessarily paying attention to their drinks and wait to see if the lights are going to start to drop for the next showing. I'm trying to take advantage of this situation. There's a show ongoing. You can hear the music. This is one of those situations where, yeah, they do have spotlights that move around and there are bits that they do and they maybe darken the lights just a little bit. But when it comes to right now, it seems to be that they're just playing...

Damn, that floppy-eared dog gave the hell of a performance on that jazz organ. To set the tone, there's a giant raccoon in the center, his teeth all askew, as you recall. He's playing a banjo. There's a frog whose eyes are going in different directions playing a jug. There's a monstrous dog, just as you say, almost rabid, playing a washboard in an insane manner.

There's a mouse who has insane eyes that just keep moving back and forth like one of those clocks playing a washtub bass on one side, and then there's a massive, fat, disgusting chipmunk on another side, almost like Jabba the Hutt-esque. It's like Sadie Cheeks, which hibernates. Only her arms move, but it bangs this massive drum to the beat of whatever the music happens to be. Ha ha ha!

That's fucking funny. That is what you see when you look at the stage, and it's depressing. I mean, some of them clearly should be moving with more motion range than they're being afforded, and it's not even close to in sync with the music. I attempt to move around the spotlights into the darkness to sneak to see if I can swipe some beers off people's tables without them noticing, or maybe even a table that currently doesn't have any people at it. Make a...

I'm gonna just say straight agility test. I would say it's easy enough to spot, but whether or not you're capable, it's gonna be hard. It's not gonna be easy. I, with my plus two to agility, if that is still within the hour of my getting that buff, I have a 17. A 17? Yeah. I'd say that. I rolled a 15 plus two. I'd say that's enough. You, um...

I think that you play it cool. Doing what you're doing in a light that you're doing would feel weird. That would be weird. This is not like a darkened comedy club. You start doing that and you're like, you know what? What if I just walk and as I'm walking let my hand grasp one of the top of these beers and continue. Somebody's got their arms back like this on one of the tables. Their beer's behind them.

If you walk by and you just sort of slip it in your hand, you might be able to pull it off. And so all three of you watch as Andy, not wet with blood, but dried blood on his V-neck. He just sort of walks across the room. And when he's on the other side, he turns and he's got a beer in his hand. I drank it. That's my sixth beer. Shucks. Cheers, gentlemen. Knuckles!

Smooth, man. For being an Americana drum band, they sure play a mean calypso. Yeah, I mean, who's playing the steel drums? Oh, is that that big cock I was saying? Oh, yeah, there he is. How do we miss that guy? Look at that giant cock with the steel drum.

That giant cock is slapping that troll! Whenever the Calypso song happens, the curtain in the back is pulled up by two shitty ropes. And he doesn't even get pushed out, but there's a Calypso rusher. It's very apparent that the rusher was added later to try to increase the appeal of the failing animatronics. And add a new genre to it.

Even though he's a relatively new addition, his crown is already starting to molt and look terrible. One eye is hanging like this. Whenever he moves, it swings disgustingly before he shrinks back and the curtains are lazily wheeled back down. - Eddie, that's a genius idea. Here, how about I give it a shot? - I did what I could. - I'm gonna look around to see if there's anyone who kinda looks like

you know a little a little weak who is like half as a beer that might not be paying attention and i just to kind of throw it out there i mean if the gm was using epidemic sound there's a whole playlist that might be thematic for this moment well we don't need to work i i made this playlist for this moment what moment are you talking about oh they're playing slide guitar on an offended shadow caster

Exactly right! It's the 80s! You can find it, it's called the Mountain Williams playlist on Epidemic now. The Mountain Williams playlist. I love the Mountain Williams. I'm gonna see if there's a couple beers on a table where there's like a guy just chilling. Just relax. Make a presence test as you scan the room.

Oh, shucks, that'll be an 18. 18? You, with an 18. Yeah. Damn. You see somebody who is having a heated conversation with perhaps a partner. They're engaged in this whole way, and an untouched pitcher of beer sits to another side. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I'm going to slowly, just like wheel, like this, on my rope rope dance.

And I'm going to just kind of slide past him, the partner, and as they're focused on each other, I'm going to whip around and punch him in the nuts. Okay. He distracts him.

He doesn't see it coming. I'm not gonna make you roll for it. He never sees it coming. Roll... It's gonna be a very low DR. The DR is gonna be six for this random customer. That'll be an 18. Oh yeah. Okay. You obliterate this guy's nuts. Explode, explode. Oh! He did! Hold on, hold on, hold on. So that is... Five. That's five.

Six. Plus your beers. Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven points of nut damage. Gary has the most nut damage done. And then as soon as he dies, I go right to kick the partner right in the crotch. You cast forward. You cast forward. And as soon as you are in front, you all witness as he turns and just...

BAM! Like that. God, it's so graceful. Like a cartoon character, this person just shatters into tokens and tickets spilling across the restaurant floor. The partner screams and the music stops. Oh, shit. Hey, what's going on down there? It looks like there are people trying to fight.

I just freeze. Beer in hand. I finish the job. I don't want the quarter to be sad. Who's trying to fight? We're trying to fight. We're not trying to fight. No, we're just enjoying the show. You're a good 20, 30 feet away from your friend Gary as he's been casting through the room in order to get to this pitcher of beer. You make your second attack. Yeah, I mean, baseball pitch is the same. Here it goes. For this time, though, I swing around and pull up on baseball bat. Baseball bat out of nowhere. You swing down.

That'll be a four. Here we go. Quick. Yeah. You swing down, but the partner is agile enough and lucid enough to jump out of the way, realizing the threat that you are. Immediately, the crowd begins to part and race back. Everyone is screaming hysterically when, off the stage, the giant raccoon launches himself and slams down next to you.

I set my glass, my empty beer glass, like down on the table next to me. I pull out my aluminum bat from basically nowhere. And like a professional baseball player, I bounce it off the ground into my other hand a couple times. And I loosen my shoulders and I go, okay, here we go. And I'm like, Gary, I got your back, buddy. I was going to say you should like hit me so we could create a distraction, but this is pretty fun. People in here are trying to relax. They're trying to have a good time.

This is a local cheese. You can't just be killing people by punching them in the nut nut you wouldn't like it if I did that to you would you? Don't stop me now. I need everyone to roll for initiative I look to

It's on random! Oh, D6. Having a good time. Oh, D6, yeah. Thank you for reminding me. Andy, what's your initiative? Four. Okay. Seven. I did not roll well. Seven. I think mine was a two. Uh-huh. This would say a four, but I think it's a two. I'm still last, so just leave me last, yep. Alright. Oh, we mixed it up a little bit. Man, you're fast as hell. Yeah, I'm at a job. You truly are the adolescent mutant... Ninja frog. Frog amphibian man.

Interior crocodile alley. I came to party. You watch as your very good friend Gary has been grabbed by the mechanical forward hand of this large raccoon who is holding his banjo menacingly and lifting him up. His voice is pitching up and down in a disturbing manner, and his eyes are almost spiraling hypnotically. What do you do? Hey, put him down, creepy demon!

Excuse me? Excuse me? I'm gonna- I got some beer caught in his throat. I'm gonna- I got some- That was close enough. Somewhere in the beginning or middle there. That was close enough. Hey, you put him down, okay? You creepy... You creepy stupid guitar guy. Um... Yeah, it's a shitty guitar. Yeah! Shitty! And I take out my giant bazooka. Oh, the nerf bazooka? Shh! You show him! Uh, go ahead and roll to hit. Shh!

Yeah, that- it- it does the cool anime thing where it like launches the thing and then it ignites it. It makes it look like it's traveling like 17 miles, but it's gotta go like 20 feet. Yeah.

Literally, literally... I don't even care anymore. I'm not attacking. That's okay, the missile just veers off. It goes "Shhhhhh." And you thought it was nerf. It looked like it was made of foam, but it hits a crowd of people and... Tokens and tickets. Well, quick! Quick! I'm just gonna... The table flips over. That was a tremendous amount of damage. Do you want to move?

I wanna move to the tickets. It's all the way on the other side. You can't do it. It's- You can move six. You can certainly try. You can do anything you want. Okay. Andy. I see that my friends that are next to me, while Gary is getting violently choked out by an animatronic raccoon, are excited about tokens and tickets, and I say, "Hey guys, come on! Tighten up, we gotta save Gary!" And I don't think I can make it to him in one turn.

I don't even think I can make it to the other stage. I'm still gonna rush to my friend Gary best I can. One, two, three, four, five, six. If it's just per square, you can reach it, but... Yeah, but that's like, if that's like, I'm going for Gary. I'm protecting my roommate! No, you're right. History would show that we were roommates. History would show! History would show. Oh, how much ammo did the rocket launchers have? Um, for the sake of this combat, I'm gonna say unlimited. You can do it round for round. Ten plus presence is very common. Let's do ten plus presence.

10. Thank you, Rulesmeister. That's a safe way to go. So I'm jumping from, like, table, cocktail table to cocktail table, knocking over beers and appetizers with my aluminum bat raised as I go to rush to save my roommate. Gary. Usually you gotta go to a convention and get choked out by a fuzzy raccoon.

As the wise man once said, "There's a pervert trying to look at my furry raccoon nuts!" And I try to hit him in the balls with my label bat. Go ahead and roll a melee attack. It's a die move! It's like a speed bag! Roll a d20 and add your strength. That's a 20. Fuzzy raccoon nuts! Wait, not Natty. Oh my god. That would've been great. Oh, how much damage does the bat? 2d8. Oh, let's go. So it gives you more chance to explode, right? What's the idea?

Ooh, still good, still good. That's nine plus... Your abuse. She's gotta be up to like five or six. Five. That's 14 points of damage. 14? Aluminum bat damage.

Okay. You smash into the side of the skull of this creature. No, I'm aiming for his crotch. Oh, my apologies. You aim for the crotch, and you hear a loud clang, and all this electricity races up the body of this animatronic machine. He...

Oh no, he's into it! He looks down at you and his eyes are shuddering around in this nightmare configuration. His skin is flapping off of the metal carapace that lies within and he looks down and he goes, "No, that hurt! "Let's turn that smile upside down!" And he continues to stare at you. He is not out for the count. Chuckles. I'm, fuck, knuckles.

I'm sorry. It's a little close. It's got an awk-lel. I think you should change it to cut knuckles. Knuckles? Like Captain Knuckles. I go along... I go wide and remembering what Andy's move, I'm gonna basically... I still have my cup for my ginger ale. I'm gonna try to like slyly, as I'm sort of like hustling for her, I'm not like going very fast, I'm gonna try to like do a...

Finish my ginger ale, put it down, and then be like, "Ah, da-da, da-da." And then pick up a full beer next to it. Even though I'm sure all these people have scattered, I'm gonna try to chug a full beer. - I love that. I love that. That's great. That's a great action. - I would say that that's, yeah. I mean, everybody is scattered. You'd be able to find a beer. Go ahead and drink it. - That's a really good use of beer. - What is your count? - Six.

Very good. That brings us to the monster's turn. The initial moment where the raccoon turns to you, he pulls his, he holds you up, and he's still grappling you in this way, and he just takes his massive banjo. You realize this is not an instrument designed for playing from a human or a puppet like yourself. This is a metal instrument designed to survive. It is cheaply made and made almost certainly of very hard metals. Oh, no.

And he slams it down. I need you to see if you resist by making a defense test. I got one if you need one. Maybe a natural one. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. So your armor's gonna break by one, by one tier. And he rolls double. And he rolls double dice damage. Yeah, so medium armor does what?

Medium armor. Well, no, so you would roll your normal armor first and then it would break. So you still get, unless it's already, didn't you already break once? No. That was me. I broke once. So you'll still roll the six, but then future turns it'll become a default. It's just like rain first. He mechanically has the equivalent of your aluminum bat. He rolled two d8s and he got 14 incoming damage. So subtract the amount of health that you're able to defend from your armor in your roll.

So, three, eight, eight damage. I may have six health. No wait, hold on. Wait, three plus five, minus eight damage, that's six? What? What are the numbers? So, I'm subtracting eight points of damage. Correct. From? From fourteen. Yeah, that's six points of health. Is that your health? I have six points of health. You go to zero. You go to zero. Oh, this is awesome! You are at zero. You are at zero. Which means you are broken.

Let's roll on the broken table. Yeah, we need your roll of d6. It's not over yet. Gary, no! How could this happen? You are broken, which means I believe you're still conscious. You are-- no, well-- Generally, depending on what you roll, it's probably gonna be unconscious. Dead in d2 hours. Yeah, so you are hemorrhaging.

And you are dead in D2 hours if you don't receive help, so we need you to roll one more D2 to determine how many hours until you're dead dead.

One. So we have one hour to give you some sort of healing. Finally, it's the last hour in the clutches of Walker. It's going to be rough. That's how he looks. And again, if you take any more damage, you go to negative, you're dead dead. That's all there is to it. Gary, no! You hear the nightmare laugh of this raccoon as he smashes down. And in the same instant, as you're all distracted by this, you hear the sound.

of creatures, mechanical animatronic beasts leap off of the stage. What a nightmare scenario. And I need you to put two on Andy. What? Can they get there? What's their speed? Does it matter? It's a... What are you gonna do, break me in half? We're going to enjoy for the benefits of this combat. That one will jump to... It's just like... Yep, exactly. It's just like Minions. Oh, fuck. No, put the... One moment. Put the...

I wanna make sure that I have it. The largest one, the chipmunk jumps the farthest and lands right next to Knuckles. Okay. Oh god, no! So we'll just have to do your best, like they're not... I would love to have had like bespoke tokens for this, we just didn't have time. We'll have to do our best to remember like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Just give me a few of the markers and we can just color code them real quickly. So like this could be Booker, right? Orange. It's named not Booker. I don't know where you got that idea. Yeah, yeah. It's Booker the Cucker! Brown could be Hazel, right? I can go here.

There should be a purple somewhere. Well, maybe orange should have been matter. It's fine. This is one you're purple There should be Peggy. It's gonna be Peggy. That's already kind of there. There's this like pink. What is that fun? Yes, that's both fine Who's pink bitsy? Oh bitsy's pink. I will just remember it's fine And then and then let's do blue for Booker and then this can be grumbling. Okay? I'll remember. I'll remember here. We go. Okay. Anyway, so

So they all jump off the stage. They all jump off the stage and the... The Hazel, the chipmunk, lands next to... Me. Next to Knuckles. Oh my god. You've ruined our fun! You've ruined our show! And she just rolls forward. I need you to defend yourself. It does! It does, doesn't it? Fucking go. That was pretty good from here.

15. You are not a small person. As massive as she is, she rolls forward and she's attempting to clobber and crush you like a boulder from Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark, but you are able to push back into her and she rolls back. She is denied her attack in that moment. Then let's go to who's purple? Peggy. That's me. I'm me.

The same voice that you hear come out of your mouth every day turns to you and like, "Dude, you didn't need to ruin our show." "Well, we didn't ruin the show. Man, we're having a great time. Except you just killed one of my buddies, you fuck!" The frog slams down and I need everyone within 15 feet to make a agility test. How do you make an agility test? Oh. It's just an agility test. So it's me and you.

Ooh, 16. I mean, maybe... I'm within 15 for sure. I don't know. I don't think it... Well... Brumley's... Not Brumley. Knuckles is close. From this guy? Yeah. Yeah, I'm within 15. So they're making a jelly test. One, two, three. You pass. The seismic explosion that occurs doesn't damage you, but everyone else has 15 damage incoming. Oh my god. Don't diminish it. 17. I rolled a 17. You avoid it. Knuckles...

You gotta roll your armor. Uh oh. My armor is a d6? Currently, I believe. Plus all your beers. That's bad. I reduced it by 9. That's not bad. So I take how much? 6? You said 15? 15. 6 points. That's actually bad. 6 points of damage. We're okay. We're alright. I got clipped! We haven't gotten around to attack yet. We haven't gotten around to attack yet. We're gonna level this up. Where's the dog? He's orange. Andy. Yeah? You...

I see the dog and he's like, you ruined our show. I didn't appreciate that. He jumps down and comes in to start punching at you. I need you to defend yourself. You wouldn't kill little old me, would you? I got a 19. I missed a crit by one. So actually I got like a dirty 21. So I easily dodged out of the way. You were able to easily dodge out of the way, but at the same time, the rooster...

swings at you as well. He says, I say, I say. I say, I say. Exactly right. I need to defend against his attack. The rooster? No. There's no rooster. There is no rooster. I'll say, I'll say, I'm attached. No, so it's just, it's just, um. It's the raccoon, the dog. It's Bitsy. It's Bitsy. My apologies. I still fail. I get a 10 to dodge. I still, I'm sure that's not enough. Um, it just says the mouse, so, um, I'm going to use the voice, uh, oh!

Oh, boy, you came into our jamboree and ruined everything. I got a 10 to dodge. A 10, unfortunately, isn't enough. You have to roll for armor. Yeah, and I have a d4 now because my armor broke earlier. A 13 is coming your way. Yikes.

Okay, max. So four, nine, ten. I save ten of the fourteen. So you take three damage. The mouse punches into you, but you are able to not fall unconscious, but you see the dire state that your friend is in at the same time we're at the top of the round.

So what does it mean that this guy's right next to me? Can I walk away from him? Yeah, you don't have to worry about being engaged. There are no attacks of opportunity. There's no attacks of opportunity. The raccoon is damaged. You can just move, right? The raccoon is down. But keep in mind, you have ranged weaponry, too. We're biting her. We have bazookas. All of us. If I slam my, uh... I'd like to slam my one-up into Gary's mouth. Oh!

You race forward and you produce this floating green mushroom Trusting the pervert from the bathroom. Oh god, but two hours ago. You push the- Gary take this perverts mushroom dude! Gary take this perverts mushroom down your mouth dude! I have got to read that!

Oh now it's so weird this monster's getting gonorrhea! Suddenly I have gonorrhea! How did this happen? How did this happen? Uh, Rulesmeister. What is our one-up rule? I'm gonna be honest with you. So when we- when I said that there would be one-ups in the game, I kinda figured it would be like, uh, when you die, if somebody gives you a one-up, you have a one-up, you come back with full health. I don't see why this can't just be a full heal. He's using it early, it's full heal. I- That's what I would rule. I would agree with you. Oh, well is he not dead?

He's at zero. So I would just say you're basically being a full deal. I think that, I think... It's a new life. It is a new life. And he gets the Super Mario start. I'm Gary the Broken. And who has a better story than Gary the Broken? Your cat's face is both dirty and gary. I drink it, I do this. Oh no!

I'm totally an idiot! And that's my whole turn, right? I can't do any other action. I would say feeding something to somebody would be your action and your movement. And you're up. I continue to move away from these horrific animatronics to close in next to my friend Gary, shoulder to shoulder, who has just eaten a strange man's mushroom, and I bring the aluminum back down onto this horrific raccoon creature. Roll to hit. No, not even fucking close. Six. Not even fucking close.

You hit against the... You smack the back of this creature, and you just happen to hit a reinforced area. The bat vibrates in your hands and rings. That's my turn. Gary. It's you, frog guy. I don't even remember your name. That's probably just the blow to the head. On account of being...

Split in half. By a fuzzy raccoon man. That raccoon came to Scotland. It's unbelievable. Just like old times. So if you roll a three on the broken chart, it's a traumatic brain injury. It lowers your presence to minus three for like a week. He was one off from rolling that. I would love to have like Gary Goodbaby D's. Take three.

You know what? You may be a bunch of horrific Freddy Five Bears, woodland critters, but I got a bazooka. That's right! Damn right! I'll see you in hell, fuckface. And I'm gonna shoot it right here, presuming it'll have a splash effect. Okay. Roll to hit.

You use your presence, remember, instead of strength for ranged. Yeah. Roll high. I just need to roll high. It's fine.

I gotta fight. - You fire it and all three of the animatronics mechanically turn their head and rotate out of the way just in time as the curtain starts to open and you see the rooster come out. I see, I see. And he's about to start to play more Calypso when he is nuked from orbit. - I got one of 'em! - Beautiful briefcase falling to the front of the stage, destroying the rooster forever. - Oh, I got him, I got him!

You're welcome! That was intentional. Meant to do that. Meant to do it. Meant to do it. No more reinforcements. Do we know the damage of the bazooka? Yes. Yeah, you would. I would. Chuckles, you're up. What was the equivalent that I was telling you? There was an equivalent. One moment. I can help, too. I just feel like...

if i'm minus one for oh presence is plus one so there were three ranged weapons that we basically put together yeah um oh sorry i'm in the wrong document bear with me for one moment i apologize i didn't need it either i figure if the shuriken is a range 3d6 then right this should be more yeah i'm so sorry about all that stuff i said about it did with your mom 38 what do you mean dead i thought you were just always making mom jokes

And it's AoE? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because one of the items that you could have gotten... Oh, jeez. I'm so stupid. I just got... How did Hazel attack me last round? She tried to roll over. She tried to roll on you. She's almost spherical. Her enormous spherical-like body. Yeah, she tried to Indiana Jones ball you. Get away! I'm, like, crawling away. Oh, my God! And I'm laying on the ground. Get back here! And I hear...

Oh, I forgot to let my ma know I was here safe. Tokyo. I guess I could use a phone a friend. Because, you know, the popular game show of the 90s. Oh, yeah. Who wants to be a billionaire? We watch it every week. Hey, ma. Yeah, no, I'm... I got here safe. And I just wanted to let you know...

I'm about to win a million dollars. Like the first guy that won a million dollars. That was a great moment of television. I'm just kidding, I'm about to die. There's a bunch of robo-furries that are gonna kill me and my friends. I just thought I should let you know. Yeah, you ate Whistler Dixon. No, I didn't put the lasagna in the oven before I, oh, okay, okay, Ma. Okay, okay.

Oh, we'll give this one last shot. And I'm gonna bazooka. It's almost like The Departed when he's like, Ma, I'm gonna be late for dinner. Call your mother and let her know that you're gonna be home. You're gonna be late for dinner. Call my wife and tell her I said hello. 18 hits. 18 to bazooka. Which one are you hitting directly? I'm gonna directly hit this one. Okay.

I think that's... Bitsy. Mouse? Yeah, the mouse. Sorry, they're not... It's not the operating party. I don't want everybody saying that. Yeah. Mouse, frog, and dog. One more to eat. These are a bunch of... These are a bunch of Mountain William animal jamboree animals. That's right. Thank you.

Oh. Dude, no explodes! So close! Oh, that's a one on seven. No, no, it's almost lowest damage. Five damage, almost minimum. Five damage, almost minimum, and one mod. I need to... Does it only shoot once? Oh, and I did that on my Nokia 3310 phone that was fully charged. I mean, it's been a few hours, so it's at 99% now. It lasts like three weeks.

It does it the explosion happens and just like in Terminator 1 when the flesh is Destroyed all of the fur goes up in this disgusting smell and you were looking at the animatronic skeletons of the creatures within Burning away there everything except for their their moving eyes all of the pistons and everything moving within the circuit boards They are covered in a net of

of various uh uh wires and uh strange reinforced plating they all turn to you oh and it's their turn that's very exciting and i don't know why we don't have any this might be the end we might be in trouble here boys i'm glad that thank you for giving me that stranger's mushroom um

Andy, you are standing right next to the raccoon. Yeah, the raccoon. The raccoon. And it turns and looks at you and he says, I say happy and you say death day. And he comes down with the banjo again.

I definitely dodge with a 16. Oh yeah. Okay, you are able to dodge. It smashes into the table and two pitchers of beer spiral out in either direction as it crashes. You try that, but it doesn't do any work. Who's orange next to Galileo there? Grumly. Not Grumly. Exclamation point. The dog. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're calling one. Thank you. Like Grumly is. Like Grumly is.

But he's not Romley. He's just an animatronic. That's Pugsley. It's Hank, Pugsley, Maple, whatever it was. Galileo. Penny. I'm going to ask you a question as the GM, and you have to answer me. What is Galileo's deepest fear? Probably to be forced to drink poison by the Catholic Church. LAUGHTER

Are you not wrong? That's technically correct. That's very funny. I don't know why I have this deep-a-sphere. I can't even truly put words to it. But I don't know what half these words mean, but it's to drink poison by the Catholic church. You ruined our show. Can I offer you some of this Catholic poison? I need you to make a present. Oh, my God! My deep-a-sphere ruined it.

You

are now afraid. There's no, like, I may have misinterpreted this rule, but... No, no, no. Uh...

How should we judge phobia, fear? I'm trying to use this trait and make up this stuff on the fly at the same time. You're the equivalent of terrified. You're the equivalent of frightened, right? And so in this situation, you cannot attack the dog. Stunned for a round. Which one's the dog? You're essentially stunned for a round. You're stunned. Yep. Let's move to...

The frog. Where's froggy? Purple. Purple. Seeing that you have been terrified by this nightmare dog animatronic, races forward. Borg, borg. And it's already used its special, but it is going to attempt to punch at you with its metal arms. Make a defense test. Of course, Galileo. I have a phobia of that. Well...

Presence? No, agility. Agility. You're just dodging. 12. Gee, we look pretty slanted. 12. That's just enough. You're falling back stunned, and you don't even notice the whiffing arms of the frog flying past you. Where's my mouse? Is toughness relevant in combat at all? Just for your HP. Just for your HP. It's just determined about HP. It's not about... Your max HP. Yeah. Okay, got it. The mouse is this one. Um...

Yeah, there's such a logjam here. I'm going to just have her come up and... Sorry, Galileo. Uh-oh. You probably should have seen that. We'll see you next week. Deuces. It's all good. And I'm stunned. Now Galileo's going to make he-turtle soup.

He's a frog! Clang, clang, clang! The mouse doesn't hit or attack or anything along those lines, but you're so terrified. And in this moment, the mouse leans forward and says, I can feel its whiskery breath!

You might as well have... I'm not going to do... You might as well have taken that poison because you're going to die in this local cheese, I tell you. And you need to make another presence test. This is a DR 14. If you pass, nothing happens. But if you fail, you instantly die. What's a DR?

What's the DR? I'd like to announce to you, Derek, that I super died. I'm sorry. What- is this supposed to be a 4? No, you- Yeah. Or a 13? 4. It's a 4. Derek, I super died. What is- No, you can't crit roll- you can't crit fail on a- on a skill check. Andy's incorrect. I've crit failed my super die. What is your total? What is your roll?

What is it? Presence. Yeah. It's a one, Derek! Plus what? No, it's a one is the total answer, Derek! The DR was four. I didn't get a four, Andy! I got a one! I rolled a natural one! Oh boy, I wish you drank that poison! And you feel your heart stop in your chest. From fear.

Galileo, you drop to the ground. No! Should that be broken or should that be... No, no, it's dead. Dead dead is dead. You're dead dead. Galileo was cool but rude and Galileo was also a party dude. And the chipmunk rolls forward towards you, Gary. Oh, no, you don't have to do all that. Make a defense test. And I...

She rolls forward. She just rolls over her head. She's like when Bender becomes a human and rolls... That's just air escaping from his fat. Oh, no. We're not doing so good here, boys. That's another natural look. I need you to roll your armor. That's twice a roll.

- Oh yeah, my armor's medium now. And now it's broken. - You've got 12 points of damage incoming. - So what, medium armor is what? - Medium armor is D4. - Okay. - So you'd roll that defense first and then your armor breaks again and it goes through D2. - Four, hold on. Four, no, five, no, minus nine. - That's pretty good. How much damage was it?

12. No, we take 3! Yeah, 12. You're alright. Oh my gosh. Oh, you got full heal! That's right. Okay, you're fine. Gosh, I really hope this thick squirrel girl doesn't crush me beneath her weight! That would be terrible! I hope I don't get a natural 1! It would be, wouldn't it? I hope I don't get a natural 1 getting crushed by a squirrel girl! Galileo. What was your final thought?

Just before your heart stopped as you were, uh, literally scared to death by animatronics. I hear the horrific whispers. Oh my god. You needed a four! The arches are looming, man! Of this magical kingdom! Oh, fuck!

You see a sky open up and you begin to ascend into pizza heaven. That said, Andy, you watch all of this and you witness explosions. You're seeing the animatronics spill into the space. They are pissed and they are relentless.

All I can do is attempt to beat down this horrific raccoon opossum-looking creature. Redouble with my aluminum bat and see if I can try to even the odds here. I don't even have any food to give my friend. He's twitching. Sparks are flying. The only thing I have left is a Tamagotchi. Oh, that's awful. That's a 10 to hit. A 10 does not hit, unfortunately. Slam again, and it rings the...

He looks at you and says...

As the aluminum bat ricochets off this creature again and the vibrations shatter up my arms, I say, "Not like this! I can't believe it's gonna end like this!" And I'm looking around and there's people are bleeding, Galileo's dead, my friends are being crushed, all the patrons have run, things are smoking and on fire. "No! I just wanted a beer!" That's my turn. "A beer and a pizza? Pizza shit." "Noooo!" That's up to you, Gary.

Wow, Gallic poison is really strong guys. It just killed Galileo. Oh my god. He probably should have insisted that the earth revolve around the sun. That was very bold. I always told him, "Careful, Icarus, careful." Okay, I reload my bazooka.

Would the DR of hitting the corpse of Galileo be less than the hematronics? Probably. Here's what I'm gonna say. The DR would be 12 normally, right? But...

If you can call a d2, I'm gonna subtract it by 2. I'll make it a dr10. This is just a flip of the dice of the coin. If you can call a 1 or a 2, then I will reduce it by 2. Oh. Alright, roll a d2 to see if it reduces by 2. Yeah. But does the direct hit do more than the explosion? I'm sure. No. No? Everyone in the area effect would be damaged. Done. There you go. He said it. Okay. I gotta call it. To see if you reduce the dr. I'm gonna say it's gonna be the Kraken Symbol.

It is the Crash and Simple. It's a DR10, you launch that bazooka and- I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! GALILEO! VIA CANDYOS! What a satisfying coin flip. You launch it, it- just like Galileo's shot, the missile launches out and then- Come on, man. Please, never use a crit moral in life. Come on.

That's the opposite! Oh, guys, don't worry, I'm back! I actually beat the poison! I feel so much better! So if I fail, does this explode on me? Uh, no. Oh. No, I have an idea. Uh, however... Oh, that's good. However, um, the...

When you launch it, you do feel something break in this cheap plastic bazooka. The missile still flies forward and you are more than accurate in hitting Galileo's body. It hits him right between the legs, lifting him up. It doesn't explode. Another nut shot. You're so good at nut shots, see what it is. The limp body of Galileo ragdolls the dolls forward into the stage and explodes, igniting, destroying the body instantly. That's not a sentinel.

I go, "Oh!" You're halfway to heaven when you feel this searing heat and all of a sudden you start to fall. Oh, fuck, dude! Catholic poison is very strong. Ooh, that's gonna hurt! Guys, this is not gonna end well for me. Uh, Knuckles! This is not gonna end well. This time I got it right. Um... Oh, God, what do I have in my inventory? Not enough, is what I've discovered. Oh, I have brass knuckles.

But I still don't move away from the large squirrel girl. No, who would? Who would? Oh gosh, I hope I don't get crushed in this. And the carry, I think this is it. Do we cheese it? Actually, do I feel like they would be motivated by tickets? This is the local cheese. Of course you'd cheese it. I could cheese it. That said... I think you should use your bazooka.

No, you got it. You do you. No, no. Do I feel like these things would be motivated by tickets? Could I pay them off? How many tickets do you have? 894. Well, gee. I can finally get that collectible buster sword. I love Clamstripe. I hope you have 18 strength, asshole. Make a...

presence test to see how you would deduce the motivations of an animatronic attacking you in the heat of this moment. I don't want to cost to spend any action. No, it's not going to cost you an action. It's like a perception check in the middle of combat. You know that there are two valuable pieces of currency in this space, tokens and tickets. Tickets are redeemable for an almost seemingly unlimited number of prizes. It

A ticket is a check that you can turn in here for almost anything. Whatever an animatronic might want doesn't matter. The fact that it could take a ticket to Lenny might mean that it has some value. Not tokens. It already provides entertainment. And as you know, once you become a creator, you don't necessarily consume media. But...

- That's right, it's very funny. - What the hell? - But with that number of tickets, you think that maybe you might be able to make a persuasion check of some kind. - A presence check.

Hey, please, please, please. It was just a simple mistake. If you wouldn't mind, hold on. I have money. I have tickets. Even better than money. And if I could, I want to try to pull the tickets out. But while I'm pulling them out, I want to use my horn to pierce two holes into the head of my golf club, if that's possible. Is that easy enough to do? Is it soft enough metal? I have two horns. Yeah.

You want to, while you are holding up the tickets and talking, you want to take the head and punch it? I'm imagining it's almost like a driver. What is he doing? I have an idea. Shatters. I think I know what he's doing. I will say that the DR will be very high.

But that I would give it to you if you, if that's all your turn is, is the action of attempting to persuade with the tickets and making an attempt at... I don't want to, forget the tickets. I just want to, basically, I want to poke, I want to poke two holes in my driver and take the materials out of the buster sword and put them in my golf club. Yeah. All right.

This is pure metal. This is solid metal. It's carbon alloy. I got two rhino horns. Believe in the heart of the horns. What would be a strength check? Looks like, I would say, a DR-16. It's doable. It's doable. It is doable. But it's tough. It is very doable, though. I need to go for it. I fail.

I think we're dead here, boys. You start to push down and you can feel the metal starting to pierce, but it's gonna take more time. The rush of this moment, the fact that you've shown these tickets, there's so much happening all in all directions. You just can't get the job done in the moment that you want it to. Uh, I will just grab the two materia and I'll fucking cheese it! And I run. I run away. I run as fast as I can. Where are you? Here? I'm there, yeah, just get me away. Towards the exit.

Towards the doors. Okay. Um, this place is basically dispersed and, uh, that's very funny. Uh, it's the monster's turn. Um... Oh, he's going to get help! Go fetch Fido- Weegee! Go find Weegee! And bring beer! Bring beer! And bring beer! I'm getting thirsty! Oh, boy! I need you to make it a, uh, defense test, Gary.

I'm gonna get absolutely clobbered by more of these things. Chipmunk swings in. Oh no, please don't crush me, plump squirrel girl. Please. Normally you have to install a mod for this. Oh yeah. You got your wish. That's it. Chipmunk, roll for your armor. Oh, that's only a d2. Nine incoming damage.

Wow. Wow! That's definitely not... That's a crit. Yeah, that's actually crazy. Jesus Christ. Hold on. It landed on its side, everybody. If you wanna... Yeah, that's fine. Oh my god. Two. Two. So two minus, uh, seven. Seven points of damage to you. Oh no. There's no way. I have four hit points. Well, at least I died doing what I love!

Not zero we can't say broken negative hit dead dead you're dead all right I I I see Galileo and his broken crotch rocket body I just want to squirrel girl guess and any any tear of sadness but also a tear of pride knowing that Gary would have wanted to go out that way rolls down my cheek and

And like John Stark in the Battle of the Bastards, I raise my aluminum bat and I brace, I watch the animatronics close in around me and I say, "Gary, I'll see you in Valhalla." And I wait for what's about to happen to me. You turn back, I will say that he's completely pressed into the fat. Like he's just flattened out. Like in the ass! Yeah, you're right in the ass. That's right.

The other four have to now decimate me. Let's just do it one at a time. The raccoon whispers something horrible in your ear and swings down with the banjo. Defend yourself. Oh, okay, 22. I dodge out of the way. You dodge out of the way. Still no crit, though, man. The dog races forward and starts swinging down with his fists. Natural 20. That's a crit. I dodge out of the way and I strike with the bat.

And I got a 19 to hit. That hits. So that's gonna be 2d8. I gotta- I gotta explode here. I just have to not- He's gonna explode!

Double sixes, which is 12 points of damage plus another six which is 18 points of damage. Pretty good. To the dog creature. You come up with the bat and you hit him and just like one of those boxing robot games. What am I fucking saying? Rock 'em, sock 'em. Rock 'em, sock 'em robot. I knock him up. His entire neck and head goes and he falls back completely destroyed. You wouldn't break my neck.

- You Andy? - All right, that's all I got. Well, I guess it's still now it's Bitsy's turn. - The mouse races forward and she attempts to scrape and scratch at you. - You got this. - That's probably a dodge. That's 15 to dodge. - That dodges. - What did you just say? - No crit though.

That's all four of them? And then Peggy. Oh yeah, Peggy the frog. The frog, sorry. Has already used their special, so they are also going to attempt to clap you a, smash your head instantly. That's a 15 to dodge, no crit. And you're able to dodge in this instant. Let's fucking go!

What? Big casino. Holy... And he's gonna... I'm like watching from above. Big smile on my face. Still flat. You are floating up, Gary, to puppet heaven and you watch as Galileo...

What do you guys say as you start to meet in this afterlife? I'm sorry for exploding your body with the crotch rocket! Wait, no, you have to make sure to bury it! That's the only way that... It's Jim Henson! Andy, it's actually your turn. Can you continue to attack the raccoon?

That'll be a hit. Oh, that's fucking... I'm finally hitting. Finally hitting. No crits. I need the Crit Master. Oh my god. I need the Crit Master. That's gonna only be seven plus six is 13 points of damage. He was already blinking and you are able to take down the mascot of the local cheese. Die, you bastard! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Too good at that. And you destroy the raccoon. Gary, you're dead. You see Jim Henson. He's waving and smiling. He's wearing a very luxurious sweater. Knuckles, you're up. Am I able to finish my craft project? You can certainly try.

I'm not gonna take your action. Let's just see if you can crunch it down. The DR is still 16. I'm good. Yes! 16 on the dot. Let's go! Come on! Please! I need this! Oh my god! I can't fire through it all at once!

Cuz fuck these guys! Alright, roll the fucking hit. Roll the fucking hit. It's ranged, so you gotta use presence. Oh no. It's ranged, so you gotta use presence. Is that just a cast? I don't... Well, presence is fine. It's plus one. We just don't have any spirit in this game. We didn't create a magic system yet. I've never asked you to do that. We're definitely gonna do spirit in the evening. We will. We will.

Oh my god! 16. 16 damage? No, 16 to hit. To hit? That hits all three of them. Oh my god, what's the damage on it? We have that information. It's written down. One moment. Fire III is pretty good, right? That's the equivalent of Firaga? Well, this is Fire I. 6d6. It's Fire all. Do you need some d6s? I got plenty.

This is your chance to explode and go ham. Yeah, that's my hope. The more times you blow on the better piece, the better. Five to sixes. Write down "Materia Magic System." Yeah, we will. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We have two weeks. I would've loved to do it. Here's an explode. So here, keep all the ones that don't and we'll just total those up. So that's gonna be four, that's eight. And then you get another ten is eighteen. So now we roll the ten. So we're already on eighteen. Nineteen plus another six is twenty-five and you keep going.

Uh, 25 plus 6 is 31. 31. Oh my god, 37! Uh, 43? 49? 49? 55!

That's a 56! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6! Plus 6

I see this massive fireball coming in and I try to just take cover. And I know it's not going to feel good. I just try to take cover. I, um... I try to duck under a table if I can. Is it targeted, like fire? Sure. I would say that it's targeted. I would say it's targeted, but you're next to three melting animatronics. For flavor, I'm just trying to get out of the way. And for this purpose, I just needed to make a quick low DR agility test. I've never, never needed to hit anything before in my life.

As I see this fireball coming in and this absolute inferno, I'm holding the bat in one hand. I'm almost too exhausted to grab the bat. I reach into my pocket and I hold on to my trusty Tamagotchi that has been here my whole time as I dive under the table and attempt to survive this. 15 to dodge. 15. You dodge underneath the table and you...

You land there and it's actually the spilling pitcher of beer that protects you from much of the heat as the water falls down. You hold on to your Tamagotchi and it is silent. The space that you are in

is quiet. The entire crowd has completely fleed with the attack of the Mountain Williams, but they don't know it's over. It's just the two of you looking at each other, wide-eyed, full of fear and craze, while the bodies of your companions smolder nearby.

They're the as they're going up. They're burning in this massive inferno and through the fire. You can see knuckles turn From from amidst the burning wreckage you hear a voice shout out and say who's still alive I am Gary

Galileo, did he make it out? Gary! Galileo, are you there? I didn't see what happened to you. I poke my head up and I say, we got to find their body. We got to find... Wait, did they drop any tokens? I think we can buy one-ups. Oh my God, we can? Let's go. Let's go. So I immediately try to see if these things dropped any tokens at all. The designer almost certainly put this information...

All you see is a flattened now cooling pool of metal there doesn't they don't disappear it doesn't go like that um

But instead you hear a door open and you see a man wearing a white tank and overalls, a little cap and a briefcase at his side, look in. Again? Again?

I have to repair these things every fucking day. And he walks forward and starts to waddle as you guys are in your panic, figuring out... I'm cradling Gary's broken body. Cavalier! I'm gonna find him! He must have gone over here on the stage. He must be around all the heat jumps. Ha ha ha!

I'm holding Cranial's body. Good, good. I find he's probably like whole from here and then split open this way all the way down. Oh, God. Probably most of his insides are gone. From the xiphorid down, he looks like a banana. Yeah, exactly. He still has his legs, but they're just like...

Oh my god, Galileo, no, we're gonna find you shrooms. It's like the old days, alright? Oh god. Oh, it's like... It's like a slinky. I look at this person. Who are you? I'm the repair guy. I'm here to put these creatures back together. We need help! We need help! Our friends are dead! Tell me about it. We all need help. He starts to sit down and pick up some of the pieces. Yo, what are we gonna do?

Knuckles, what are we gonna do? We gotta find one-ups, all right? Didn't that work for Gary for the first time? We gotta go. Maybe, maybe Lenny can help us. I take, I collect whatever coins I can, if there are any tokens. The tokens and tickets that were on your friend's body certainly would have remained, and they would be floating in the general vicinity, Power Stone style. We, Lenny! I run over all of them. We got him, bro!

We gotta find Lenny! Lenny will help us! We gotta take his right! We gotta go! And I take Gary's broken body. I cradle him in my arms like a baby. And I run. I run to Lenny. My arms are a little tired. Do you mean if I just tie him? That's fucking disgusting. I need my hands free from my stuff! That's so fucking foul. I need my stuff! Bye.

I got a patsy sword, I'm not leaving that behind.

Ladi! Ladi, please! Tell me, tell me you got one up for tickets. One moment, I am helping another customer. Gary is dead!

Please, it's an emergency! You do not have the tickets for this. Unfortunately, you are going to have to go and win more to get this prize. I am sorry to disappoint you. The other customer walks away, and then he turns to you. I was not speaking to you. You gotta stop doing that! What? One-ups! You have one-ups? Yes, we have many one-ups. How many? How much do you have in tickets? The one-ups cost...

25 tickets. Why did we load up on these? Oh my god! Yeah, please!

I give him 50 tickets immediately. He takes 50 tickets and you have suddenly two one-ups in your hand. I jam a mysterious mushroom down Gary's throat. Eat it! Come back to me, you bastard! Live! And his body, which was flattened by the chipmunk, starts to... Pops into perspective and suddenly he's back. Gary! Oh, Galileo! Oh!

This should work. Oh, I should have untied him before I did that. Oh, no! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Galileo can't un-pretzel his legs. You watch, and it's like... Oh! It's like all of the Sigourney Weavers in Alien Resurrection, and you have to murder him a second time. We're gonna try that again. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

It's gonna be okay! Be quiet! Rest! Sleep! Sleep! You really should have thought of that as you brought him back. He wasn't ready. Oh man, 25 tickets! I just need one more. It's a good thing you had the other 25 tickets. Though I will say he will remember this. You know, at least he's alive. And I give him, he's alive, and I give him the next one up. And he starts to reform. His parts come back together and pretty soon...

All of your circulatory system starts pumping again. You feel your heart return. For a brief moment, you thought you were in the eternity of hell for the pain that you were experiencing. A blurry eye looking around, you find yourself on the arcade floor with your resurrected friends. No, no, no, I can take it. I can take it. Just sit down. Just sit down. No, Gary, it's okay. Just sit down. You're back. You're back. Are you all right? Are you all right? Oh, fuck, man.

I thought I lost you guys. You good, man? Oh, something's here. I think I had some kind of fucking crazy dream. My legs are all pretzeled up.

Oh gosh You were crushed by an enormously thick squirrel Oh squirrel girl, oh gosh You were there, and you were there And you were there And squirrel girl was there And Jim Henson was there It was pretty fucking sick Wait, wait You boy over there

What day is it? I'm a 56-year-old man. It's not too late! Oh, thank goodness it's not too late! Here, boy! Ew, is the great turkey bigger than you still available in the corner shop? What the fuck are you talking about? Take my tokens! Buy it post-haste, and there's an extra shilling for you if you deliver it! I just ran out of tokens. Thanks, buddy! And he runs away. Oh!

What a joyous day! Guys, we gotta really figure out what we do on Saturday nights moving forward. This is getting out of hand. Yeah, you do. You hear the voice of the manager from behind you and you turn and you see him looking at you.

What did you do in the jamboree? I heard the whole story from our repairman. It wasn't us. It wasn't us. It wasn't us. No, it wasn't us. We weren't in the jamboree. Nobody else here fits your description. You're all very unique looking. They're all liars. Especially you. I'm just a dude. Ew, redhead. All right, all right. This guy's drunk. I'm drunk, but this guy's drunk. Hold on.

I'm pretty sure it was this kid wearing a light blue t-shirt that said "Dick the Birthday Boy." I swear it was! None of the damage you did was permanent. But I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, and just like last week, you've been banned from the local cheese for six days. Oh. Six whole days? That is the policy. That's an extreme punishment! It's what it is. What?!

This is America! I'm the manager! What are we, the USSR? I make the rules! What are we, behind the Iron Curtain? What are you, from the Kremlin? My security guards will escort you! Thank you! This is America! You find yourself suddenly picked up. Okay, Cosmonaut, we landed on the boot! There is no resistance by the two. Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

bust you out through the doors. You hit the cold concrete of the sidewalk and into the parking lot area. The cold air hits you. It's perhaps 1146 p.m. on a Saturday night. You look out and the silence hits you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? Things really spiraled out of control.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let it get like this. I think I died twice and somebody blew up my body. We have no way of knowing who that was. I got everything that's going to fix it, though. I got everything that's going to fix it. Yeah. You guys want to go to Waffle House? Let's fucking go. Yeah, let's go. Yeah. Wait, how are we going to get there? We're all too drunk to drive. No. Listen, that's never been a problem before. Yeah. No, no, no. I'll call my ma. Oh. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Yeah, yeah. The fellas and I, we had a little too much, but we're really craving waffles. Do you mind bringing the van and picking us up? Okay.

Yeah, I get yeah, it's just sort of a thing. It's tradition You know how fellas are band of brothers and all that you ever seen that show the series Captain dick winners. Oh, it's a good one. You should see it ma No, but if you could if you could just come we'll just hang out here and Press after our herrings be oh by the way, I'm not dead. We didn't get killed by robot furries I did

Sorry about the lasagna from earlier. Thank you, Mrs. Sandwich. Thank you, Mrs. Sandwich. All right. That's very funny. No way here. Thanks, Mom. Beep. You know what, guys? I think this was a Saturday to remember. Yeah. Hands in. Hands in. Hands in. You know what? Same time next week? 13 beers and local cheese next time. 13 beers and local cheese. Same time next week. Same time next week.

You freeze frame and the credits start rolling and that is where we'll call tonight's session. Fucking go.

And as the credits roll, we do a uniform dance to a musical number. That's right, of course. No, no, it freeze frames, and then there's like a text that shows up. Like where we ended up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While I wait for my mom to show up, I ask Galileo about the crushing weight of Catholic guilt in the depths of hell. Thank you. And I answer about the crushing weight of Squirrel Girl.

Thank you Andy and Derek for putting this together. Thank you Andy for hacking here and for GMing. Thank you again, Cobalt Blue Waters for the amazing art, for the background and the thumbnail and everything.

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