13 Beers at the Local Cheese | Ep. 4 | Quadruple Dragon
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. Are you dangerously unintended adult with unprocessed trauma and pockets full of cash? Then get lost. On purpose. At the local cheese. Everybody do backflips into a ball pit full of soda cans. We've got pizza. We've got taxidermy games. We've got authentic scripted events with beings that can't leave. Everyone run from the living vending machine. Oh my god!

- And the local cheese is going corporate. New attractions, new mystery sauces, every item deep fried in pure unfiltered bathroom grease. And as many beers as you can consume before the staff takes notice, that number is still two. Everyone arm wrestles animatronics. Somebody thumbs up.

The local cheese where the walls are wet, the rules are loaded, and every night is an escape room with no exit. Cheese, cheese, we obey. Please, oh please, don't make us stay. The local cheese is not liable for echo duplicates, meat sweat hallucinations, arcade marriage, or participation in the lottery ties. Nightlock may engage without warning at any moment. All events are legally dreams.

Well done. That was great. That was your best one yet! Before we dive in, we have a new character at the table that we need to roll and generate and create. Oh my god! So we're gonna go through the character creation process before we dive into the what happened last time at the local cheese. So why don't we start by you introducing the name of your character and maybe a little bit what you look like. Okay, so my character's name is Tiffany. She's about 12 inches tall. Plastic.

You can't break her knees. She's a whole footer. Yikes. Oh, you and Gary are going to get along really well, Tiffany. Yikes. She, life is fantastic when you're made of plastic. She has crazy blonde hair, loves pink, loves to shop, and have a good time.

Awesome! Welcome Tiffany. Thank you. So the way this is gonna work is you're gonna need three d6s. Okay. I have one. Hold on. I can give you two more or we can- No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

11. So you'll write that down in your strength box, and then for 11 you get +0 as your modifier. Very similar to 5th edition Dungeons & Dragons. I think that that's fair for my strength modifier. Now you roll your agility. 9. That is also a +0. I would say that's also very accurate. Now you'll roll your presence. 11. That is also a +0. Now you'll roll your toughness. Here we go. That's a +0. And then lastly, you're gonna roll your mana.

Which astute listeners will know that that was not a thing last time. 15. That's very important. You get a plus 2 to your mana. That's going to be very important. Now, what I need you to do is you're going to start by rolling. You have to determine, we're going to determine what your storage container is, what you use to store things on your person. So I'm going to need you to roll a 1d6. I'm really, really hoping for a 3. 2.

No, I'm kidding. I'm gonna roll the oven one, that would've been two either way. Instead of repeating, I'm gonna say that it is going to have the amount of item container, but you can choose the nature of the bag or purse that your Barbie person has on you. It'll carry four normal sized items. Is fanny pack available?

That is actually the written item in the rules. Fantastic. Fanny pack. Done. 100%. Easy. And I just put that under my equipment? Yes, you'll write that under equipment. You can write fanny pack, you know, dash hyphen four items, give or take. The next thing you're gonna do is take 1d12 and you're gonna roll for a cheap gear. One piece of cheap gear. 12. What is it gonna be? 12. You can roll again or you can choose the sunglasses.

Oh yeah, sunglasses are great. You better not bring those fucking sunglasses! Oh, you don't want the sun-- I already got the sunglasses! Okay, okay, I'll roll again, I'll roll again. I swear to God! A two. Two.

Uh, you've got a Sunny D. Okay. Oh, I'm trading for the- No, shut up, Gary. So this is important to know. Okay. That's sick! What the fuck? Most of the cheap gear doesn't actually have mechanical rules that come with it. For example, I have a Lisa Frank notebook. It's up to me to determine how I want to use that. There's no mechanical rules that go with it. I'm a small plastic dinosaur. The Sunny D will heal you 2 DHP, so a coin flip, if you drink it. So it's like a small potion.

Next you'll roll another 1d12 for fancy gear. Okay, okay, four. You can choose the gogurt or you can roll again. Fuck you, I hate the gogurt. It's my birthday. It's also turkey dinner flavored. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nine. Nine. You have a flask that holds one drink. Whoa! That's right. That's awesome. Tiffany's packing. And now you will roll 1d10 for your weapon.

If you roll a melee weapon, you'll be using your strength modifier when it comes to attacking with it If you roll a ranged weapon, you'll be using your presence modifier. So either for you either way it doesn't matter. With a 10 you can have a Maul Katana or you can roll again. Oh I'm sorry, a what? A Maul Katana. Like a Chief. A Maul Katana. Like a Chief. Okay, I will roll again. Yeah. A 1. A 1. That's no weapon. I would say that she could roll again. Yeah, give another roll.

Seven. Seven. You have a skateboard. Oh, so you write down skateboard and it does 1d6 damage and it is a melee weapon. That's amazing! This is telling the story. Next you're gonna roll 1d4 for your armor, but please reroll fours. 1d4. That's actually what we could do. I got a five. That's a d6. That's- whoa! Okay, that's a four. That's another four. Guys. It's a two. Perfect.

So where do I put armor? You keep it under your weapons. I put it under weapons. It should say weapons slash armor. But you can write down light armor. And it's going to be... What will happen is if you ever take damage, you'll roll a d2 or flip a coin to reduce the damage by one or two. So you're writing down a four? I thought I...

I've made some slight changes because technically if you are a caster class you cannot wear heavy armor. Oh So I had to make some- Oh, it's a donkey! Yeah, you will have classes right now. Nikki's the only one that actually has her class. Next you need to roll a 1d8 to learn about your idiosyncrasy. We're keeping the ones that you guys last time. Three. I like this. You procrastinate as much as possible.

So you can use that as a little RP prompt. It doesn't need to dominate your RP, but just, you know, a little idea about what your character's like. Okay. And then... Are we doing feats? So, well, we will, but the way that this is going to work is, Nikki, if you would please take a look at the second page that I've given you. She has a second page? And now start by reading from the top. Class, the Barbie.

Abilities, plus eight to mana, plus one to presence, minus one to agility. So it should be plus two. The twos look like an eight, but the idea is now you want to add those, take those numbers, those adds and those minuses, and adjust your total score by them, and we'll see if it affects your modifiers in any way. So I have two more to mana. So now it's 17 mana. Yes, and now it'll be plus three mana, which is huge. Nice. Wow. That's huge. Okay, and then I have...

Plus one to my presence, which puts me at 12. That's still plus zero. Okay. And then minus agility, that puts me at eight. That is going to be a minus one to your modifier for agility. I love that.

- That skateboard's really gonna struggle. - And then missing a wheel. - Only other thing that you need to do is take a look at, is there an HP stat on there that I wrote? - Toughness plus D8. - Yeah, so roll a D8 and then add your toughness modifier to it to determine what your starting HP is. If you roll super low, we'll give you another roll. - I got a three. - Give you one more roll.

- Six. - Much better. She's starting with six HP. - Okay, so six HP. What's my toughness modifier? - Your toughness modifier is probably plus zero. - Plus zero, yep. - Okay, perfect. - And now what you'll do is you'll take a look at your features, which for you are spells. You don't have to say it out loud. You don't have to make a decision right this moment, but you will pick one of those to start with. And then depending on how your character's introduced, we'll probably give you another one or two to pick. - Does it matter that I have a weapon on here already?

So it's weapons start with... So you can ignore that for now. That will be for a different iteration of the game. You're good to go. Just read over your spells at your leisure. You'll pick one. If you want to write it under your features, you can. You will have the ability to cast D2 plus your mana modifier spells per day. Nice.

And that will reset at the beginning of each day. So should I roll a d2 now? Yeah, flip a coin or do evens odds on a d4. I would love that. This is a sword. Just chuck it. You got a 2. So you should be able to cast 5 spells today, which is massive. That's great. Awesome. So now for now...

You are set. Okay. Oh, no, there's one last thing I'd like you to do. And I'm making the executive decision, and Derek can throw this out unless you would like to. I would like you to roll a d6 to determine the number of starting drinks that you're currently at. Because otherwise, you've got to catch up to us. So you're going to start off at five, and under drink totals, just tally off five marks, and I will explain a little bit more of what that looks like when we get there. But for now, Nikki's character's created. She's ready to play the game. Everybody feel good? Let's fucking do it.

Guys, I just had a realization. What? A ban on single-use plastics would have no effect on a spork. Why is that? Because it's a spork, Andy. Do you need me to explain environmental regulations? Is it not single-use? I'm not picking up what you're putting down here, Gary. I have another realization.

Our intro theme kind of sounds like a legally distinct moon theme from the NES DuckTales game. Oh, but like a different key and not the same? Yeah, not the same notes, not the same key. It's just vibes. You'll have to forgive me. I'm already four drinks in. Are we in the game right now? I don't know. You're all standing in the barcade at the local cheese, the restaurant that is at the very front. There have been some changes since last week. Not yet.

Unlike last week where the arcade was to the left, this one's now to the right. And you have to go through it in order to reach the actual arcade floor. The decorations are a little different. The local cheese is changing. It's going corporate. And that's caused some friction with the four of you. Galileo included, you've had some altercations. You've fought the bouncers and you are now surrounded by gore and viscera as you look down at the defeated bodies of the

Two bouncers who attempted to, uh, ev- uh, uh, push you out and, uh... Oh my god, what the ass. What is Gary doing, Mike? Would you like to explain? He's doing a DJ. DJ Nero's, uh... I'm rapping! He's being a DJ. We need to play a song!

The four of you stand and you look around and the nearby waitress comments. Crystal, she walks up to you and says, you shouldn't have done that. You've killed the bouncers. That means we're going to go into lockdown.

And suddenly the door- the windows crunch, crunch, crunch, slam down one after the other after the other. Um, the lights transform into, uh, uh, from their fluorescent white to a deep red, spilling across the entire restaurant and barcade area, plunging you into darkness. And at the same moment, you hear a crash.

the ceiling breaks open and a massive claw grabs Galileo by the waist. He says, "Guys, I think I'm cooked." And then it pulls him up and through, crashing through the ceiling. You watch the ceiling bits fall down, crashing into the floor all around you, and you are left there, the three of you, until moments later, also from that same ceiling, a small

doll-like creature falls down to your feet. Somehow having been in the ceiling of the local cheese. - Oh my God. - OMG. - What? - What the heck? - Yeah, what the heck? Exactly right. What happened to Galileo and who are you? - Whoa, you're so big. - Oh, it's my cousin, Tisabee. - Look at your muscles. Wow. - Thank you. I've been hitting the gym lately. Gary's been helping me buy some really good protein powder. - Ew. - What? - What do you mean you? He's my roommate.

when we was playing Echo the Dolphin on the second Genesis together when we was kids. - No, but I do remember that my best friend Stephanie had like this really creepy older brother who liked to hang out with us all the time. And he was like, he had a lot of acne and he like breathed through his nose.

Yeah, it was strange. I mean, you know, acne is a very serious condition that affects a lot of teenage males. Oh, yeah. No, it's totally fine for most guys, but this guy was, like, really weird. Well, I mean, good... Well, you know you can cover that up with facial hair. He had, like, holes all over his underwear, and he, like, never changed them. That's so strange. Do you know how expensive underwear is these days? Wait, wait, wait. Just so I get this right, you said your name is Tiffany? Yeah. And you know Gary Goodberry? Oh, I don't know who he is, no. Oh, he just reminds you of that weird, creepy guy. Oh, no.

- Oh no, he was just reminding me of that time when I was young and I was playing the Sega Genesis and my best friend Stephanie had this really creepy older brother who was hanging out with us all the time and drooling. It was so strange. Wait, you kind of look like him a bit. - No, probably not. No relation. - Gary does drool a lot, it's weird. - No relation. - Yeah, I mean, anyone got a drink? - Oh boy!

I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok! Is that- is that dope? Are you serious? Oh, is that fame? You're normal! Oh, I could eat an Octorok too! Excuse me, princess! Oh, by the way! You're not my sheen! Nice commitment to the bit! Oh no, Galileo! The Catholic Church finally

I'm gonna get him back. I have no idea why I'm here, but I'm so thirsty I've had like five drinks already and it's like not nearly enough you guys want to do a shot If we do you giving us shots I have a flask. Oh, oh wait, I have one too, but mine's empty -

I don't know. Who are you? Oh, I'm, uh... Oh, my name's Gary Goodberry! Uh... Oh, I'm Tiffany, by the way. They call me Knuckles. Um, you know, on account of... Like, on account, because you have so many knuckles? Well, on account... I mean, if you see here, I basically have, like, you know, eight and eight. Sixteen knuckles, because of my brass knuckles. Um... And my heavy armor, which is just, you know, um... Uh... Metal studs on my... On my leather vest. Um...

I'll take some of your flasks. Oh, you needed a small pocket knife in order to open that thing. Here you go. I got you. You're like spitting on me every time you talk. You said you needed a pocket knife? Gary, calm down. You never know when you need that. You're spilling your spaghetti everywhere, man. Sit him down. You never know. You know you can survive. Take a deep breath. You can survive by having a knife.

Did Gary also spill the spaghetti? He is. He's spilling it everywhere. I don't have any spaghetti. It's a saying. I'm not of the ivory Italian persuasion. My name's Andy. I have a really bad headache right now. Well, there's only one cure for that.

Shot and we're in the right place does anyone remember maybe chat if I drank my two extra beers from my six-pack Oh, I did I got it from my from deep from my condo box. That's right. That's right. That's right We pre-gamed to the parking lot too. We did right that was the four and then I got the two more. Yes. So I'm through All right. Well, you have the one flask. I mean how much can that possibly hold like a drink?

You certainly don't have to share with us. I mean, I don't even, look, we've been coming to the local cheese forever. We've never seen it go to lockdown. I think for me, it probably holds like one drink, but for you, it'd be like nothing. You know, Tiffany, do you see us kill those guys? Do you see us kill those guys?

Tiffany, you'll recall that you were trapped in the ceiling for some reason. I was kind of trapped in the ceiling for some reason. I don't really remember. I remember I was at a party with Stephanie and we were drinking a lot. I had about five drinks and I passed out. Next thing you know, like I was falling through the ceiling and this weird guy was like being lifted into the raster.

Oh yeah, that's our old friend Galileo. The Catholic Church is always after him. On account of the heliocentrism. That's very funny, Gary. It's a deep cut. He's always getting kidnapped by the Catholic Church. It's like Team Rocket. I am not even sure what that means. Yeah, you'll probably never meet him. It's okay. I think he was forced to drink poison.

Well, I hope not. We gotta find him. We gotta get to him. I mean, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do. Well, how do we get out of this place? Because, like, we're stuck. There's only one thing to do when we're locked in a place like this. I look at the bar to see if it's unattended. You turn to the bar, and as if on cue, you see the many different drafts

Taps. Taps, uh, on the bar, and in that moment, as though your very perception of them has triggered this event, they spin around and walk underneath the bar. Son of a gun! Is everything locked down? Even the games? Oh, no, we gotta go check! There's no way they might have-

You race. The four of you, Tiffany included for some reason, race forward. No pressure or anything. I don't really have anywhere to go, so I might as well.

You race forward and you break through the double doors into the arcade floor. And even though the lighting has changed and there are like huge spotlights seemingly moving from wall to wall, the space is transformed from the usual neon lights to this red lockdown color.

there are people still gaming. You can still hear the sounds of the blips and bloops and bleeps of many different arcade machines in all directions. You can see still in the very center of the arcade floor, the prize ticket counter.

Are you gonna be doing that all night, Gary? We're in public. I'm playing air guitar! Yeah, yeah, well, it's weird. That's pretty good. It's weird when you're in public. Air guitar at home, man. My God, that reminds me when Stephanie's weird older brother entered an air guitar contest, and he was, like, showing us, and he was, like, so proud that he won. Oh, my God. Because his name was Jerry or something. Probably not.

I immediately take a look around and try to take in the scene and see if these people even notice that this place has gone into lockdown. You get the sense that even though the color change has happened, that people just understand that there is an emergency, but that it doesn't affect them. They can continue playing their Galaga game. If they're not the ones being chased down by whatever...

security or additional levels of enforcement the local cheese has that they can continue to enjoy themselves even if they can't necessarily get a beer at the barcade. This is an absolute nightmare. I mean it looks like everyone else is having a good time so... The only reason we come here is to drink. Well and maybe play a little bit of Dig Dug. Let's be real... And also Mack on the Five Gotham! Be real with yourself man the only thing that ever happens is we drink a thousand beers we talk to zero women and we go home just striking out left and right.

- Well, I mean, you don't say it out loud from Tiffany. - No, I am gonna say it out loud, Gary. The illusion, the magic, the veneer of this place is shattering. Have you seen what happens since the moment we walked in here? Nothing is the same anymore. - I mean, we still got some beers and we still got our nice Fiesta chicken wrap.

Did you take the menu with you? Nah, this is ridiculous. You guys ever wonder what Gak tasted like? What? No. I was watching Double Death the other day and I was like, you know, what?

What happens if you get gacked and a little gets in your mouth? Why are you thinking about this? I don't know. What would it taste like? Don't you think you'd just shut your mouth the moment you get gacked? No, but what if you're like, oh my god, I didn't know what's coming, and it gets all in your mouth and you taste it. You ever wonder what that might taste like? Then you would say, gack, gack, gack, gack, gack, gack.

- Yeah, you might. - Yeah. - If you're joking on it, you might say. - If that happened, you would just be saying, "Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak." - I mean, do you think that these producers of the show, do you think that they like think in advance, you know, we should make this edible in case somebody accidentally eats a little bit of it? - I'm sure that's the case. There's no way they wouldn't make the Gak inedible. - I don't know. Like in the 90s, they weren't really worried about child safety, so. - Fair, fair, fair point. That was only like two years ago though. So I mean, I don't know how far we've gotten. - I know, we're getting so old.

I couldn't be the thing there about Nickelodeon. The year is 2001 and you're still standing there at the entrance to the arcade floor. Oh, let's, maybe we can find the answer in a game of Diglett. Oh, I also got to find Street Fighter 2. I mean, we can play some games, but tokens won't even help us at this point. If we can't buy beer, what meaning does life have? We could always like ask. I mean, it's like a big party, right? Like everyone shares except for me. But like, we could just ask.

Wait, where did Reggie go? Who? Did Reggie disappear? Maybe he's the one who initiated the lockdown! You'll recall that Reggie jumped through an opening in the ceiling that, uh, he leapt out, almost teleporting, and then triggered the combat with the bouncers. That's right. Which went much more easily for you than I anticipated. In case you don't know, Reggie's the manager. He's a total dweeb. Yeah. He's an absolute fucking loser. There is one that's perverted in the bathroom.

Who was like at the urinal. He's peddling mushrooms or something. It was weird. He was tugging on that mushroom cap. Gary? At the urinal. And he was like saying, hey, everybody, take a look at this. And we was like, Reggie, God, there's a pervert in the bathroom. And he's like, well, let me go take a look. Oh, that's like my fondest memory of Galileo. Now he's gone. Yeah. Well, I mean, the Inquisition might go easy on him this time.

I hope so. Do you really think it was the Catholic Church? I mean, it looked like the Catholic Church. Did you see that claw? It sure looked like the Catholic Church. I mean, it did kind of look like the hand of God. I was hoping it was just security, but if it's the Catholic Church, he's screwed. I would like to take a look and survey this barcade area to see if I can see if there's, like, somebody might have a full beard that they're not really paying too much attention to that might be able to swipe. Make a presence test. Oh, okay.

Oh, not a chance in hell. I got a two. With a two, um, you peer down, but the darkness of the lights being what it is, the intense hour that you've spent since entering the local cheese, everything is a little disorienting, and even though you think that people may have beers if they ordered them before lockdown, you don't see any at hand. I don't... I'm a little drunk, guys. I can't even find any rogue beers to swipe. Yeah, I've had five beers already.

And you can't see nothing without your glasses. Let me take a look with my sunglasses. Okay, go ahead. I don't wear glasses, Gary. I'm going to go see if there's any chumps playing maybe Dig Dug or Street Fighter 2. If there's a hot golf homie playing Street Fighter 2, I'll go over there. But I'm going to try to look at people's pockets for flasks. I'm going to skate around at low levels. You watch as...

Gary starts to move down the long, wide, flat stairs, one after the next, after the next, after the next, gracefully gliding down into the arcade floor and disappearing between the legs of two patrons before entering the rows and rows of all these arcade cabinets. Gary, I need you to make a presence test as you start to look through to see if there are drinks or if there are flasks in pockets. Well, with a natural one, that's a three.

Uh, you don't see any...

Drink you're distracted you immediately notice a character that you saw initially as you were walking through the bar cave I'm sorry when you were sitting and drinking in the bar cave you notice that there's a loud obnoxious twitch streamer who has a Connected to their chest a camera a ring light in all directions all sorts of fancy backgrounds and gadgets and they are continuing to be like hey Chad we're here it's lockdown night

It's screaming. It makes you collide with one of the cabinets and you don't see anything immediately that looks like alcohol in any direction, leaving the three of you there without Gary. I can't believe I'm going to say this, Tiffany, but you might want to hold on to that flask. If we can't get any more alcohol, that might be the last you've got. Yeah, I mean, well, the thing is, like, I kind of can't let it go because it's stuck in my plastic hand. Whoa.

That's crazy. Wait, you can't move your hand at all? I mean I could move like they can go like this, but like I can't move my fingers I mean I could I could help. Yeah? I mean let me just- *Screams* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh god! NICOLS, WHAT THE HELL MAN?! I just- all I do is just take the flask out! No, you can you can have that now. I can't believe you scratched my flesh! I think I'm gonna be sick!

My God. What? I mean, I don't know what to do. Can you look at my nail polish?

Is it chips? I mean, actually hold on, I think I learned this trick. I mean, if maybe we just get a little bit of vinyl in the scratch and I pulled the small dinosaur plastic, the small plastic dinosaur that I have. Just hold still and I'll rub some of the plastic off the dinosaur into the scratch. And it's very clearly like just green, like scuff now. Filler. At least it's smooth. My god. I've always wanted a tattoo.

It's a pretty nice one, I mean. Knuckles? Yeah. Best friends. Wait, really? Yeah. All right, I'll take it. Oh my god. If you want to split that drink. The three of us are going to be the greatest. Like, you are super ripped, so you can get us into all of the parties. Man, you're really gassing me up. You're really cool. Like, you can be tattoos. That's ridiculous.

You should tell people about that. Like, everyone's gonna love you. Yeah, yeah, well... I mean, uh, you know... Why do you hang out with that weird guy? Gary? Well, he's my roommate. The financial situation... The economy's in shambles. You know, it's impossible for me to live on my own. My dead-end job is miserable. I don't even own a car. Oh, I do own a car. I forgot I drive an El Camino. He's pretty cool.

at least 15 different plastic cars but most of them are at my house in Malibu that's impressive how's it now but you're doing well we all just missed the idea dot-com boom cash to buy all right we gotta find we gotta find we gotta find drink I'm gonna lose my mind we don't find drinks

Oh, can I have my flask back? Oh, no, I put it back. It's in your hand. I put it back there. Yep, yep. I'm not touching that anymore. Unless you want to share it. I mean, you know.

Three sips. Well, I mean, you'd have to twist my arm, like, all the way around to be able to drink it. You want it? I mean, you did give me a pretty cool tattoo. No, I'm good now. Nope, nope. I'm solid, you know? Now that you mention it, I think, frankly, frankly, oh, look, they got Rampage World Tour over here! And I go up to the Rampage World Tour. You race forward, it will take a token to play.

Fuck, I don't have any tokens. How do we get tokens? Uh, I got three tokens. I can lend you one, especially if they're not even any good use for drinks at this point. I give Knuckles one of my tokens. Okay. I'm down to two tokens. I don't have any tokens. You notice at the foot of the Rampage arcade cabinet, there's a lying flat on his ass. Gary is nursing a head injury. Ugh.

You okay, Gary? Oh, that obnoxious fucking Twitch streamer. He's not being to a cabinet. Oh yeah, fuck that jackass. I think we should swap that motherfucker. There's a Twitch streamer here? Who is it? He's that joker with the fucking GoPro. Yeah, I don't know. Look at that asshole. I've never heard of him, I've never seen him before, but he's loud and obnoxious. He's frankly anachronistic for this time period. It really is. It doesn't make any sense. Fuck this guy. But, you know what that means, right? I don't even know what Twitch is. He's popular.

Is that how that works? Like he's automatically popular? Yeah. I mean, people are watching him, he must be popular. Duh. If we beat him up, do we instantly become more popular than him? Oh my gosh, no. People would hate you. Oh my gosh. But if you can befriend him, maybe we can get some- What if- I don't understand the internet. Yeah. Is he streaming on like Myspace? Or maybe Justin.tv? Oh my god, do you think I could be one of his top three?

Maybe. He's top 3-1. On Myspace, duh. Oh, yeah. I miss Myspace. I tried to learn it. It was a little hard. I was trying to have Evanescence play via HTML, the MIDI version, and I couldn't get my GeoCity store. I couldn't get my Agile Fire to cooperate. You're the only one that's had any kind of a plan. I think we do try to talk to him and see what we can get out of him.

I mean, worst case scenario, we can always just beat him up. So do we even know what his name is? Because we're not going to get very far if we don't know who he is. He's going to feed off of the energy of us knowing who he is. Oh, maybe I could go ask him. Maybe the buff one should go ask him. Do we recall him shouting his name as he was skating through the lobby? Make a presence test, I guess, to see if you recall how frequently he was shouting his name.

No, I got a five. With a five. It's hard to remember. It was such an obnoxious series of words. You tried to tune him out? Yeah, I don't remember. I don't remember never saying his name. Let me just skate up to him. I mean, we could, but I just put my token in. I mean, if you guys are fine going, I'm going to play Lizzie. You guys are like the dream team. Gary and Tiffany, you guys go talk to the Twitch team. I'll stay with Knuckles. See if he can win us some more tokens and tickets. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, if you have enough token, we could do that.

I can two-play this, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm in! I spent another token to be player two in our Rampage game. You insert the token, you hit press start, and player two arrives on the digital screen before you, CRT style. Are you gonna be George or Ralph? I'll be Ralph. Of course. Obviously. Obviously.

We begin to play the game while they go off to find the Twitch streamer. Let's go talk to the Twitch streamer. You turn, and just as you're about to leave to find the Twitch streamer, you hear a voice. Oh, they got Rampage 2! And you see a tall pig man. A very muscular pig creature.

like person racing forward towards the rampage game. He's got what looks like a large stein of beer in one hand. Behind him, rolling up just behind him, is a person wearing a white t-shirt, a backwards ball cap, and next to him is gliding on his own roller blades is a small wizard doll wearing silver mirror laser soft

uh, laser, uh, uh, shades. Uh, and just, uh, behind him, you see a- another- a turtle with a tan headband. Uh, these- these four are all carrying, uh, big frosty mugs of beer, uh, as they walk up towards the Rampage game to, uh, start playing, and, uh, you hear the same pig man, "Oh, this is- this is really- really cool! I- I- I can't wait to play!" And you hear the, um, uh, the wizard doll ch- uh, uh, chime in, "Yeah! Yeah, this is really cool! We should- we should be able to play, uh, uh, uh, Rampage ourselves! Yeah!"

Guys, we gotta play! You hear as the... the... What's the word I'm looking for? The backwards hat wearing human races up. You turn around and it's almost like we're looking in a mirror with the exception of Tiffany. Ah, Knuckles. I don't know what's happening here, but these guys give me a sick vibe. Do I recognize the pig?

You turn and I need you to make a... No, no, I think that you recognize the pig. You know that this pig man is part of a very similar group to yours. This is Tusks. He's a real bruiser. Look at these guys. That wizard is so hot. I wonder if he's got a girlfriend. Hey, Tusks. How you doing, pal? It's been a while. Hey, what's going on?

What's going on? You playing Rampage? Yeah, we just put our tokens in. Yeah, it's occupied. You can put your quarter on the side of the machine to hold your spot if you want. Well, I think you should just step aside and let us take over. We're much more skilled at this game than you are. No, no, we just put our tokens in. I keep playing. I'm not even looking at the screen. But I'm trying to make eye contact with this jackass wearing a backwards hat. What a loser. You turn and you look at him, and he's got a white T-shirt. It says in black text on his chest the word "Infinity."

And he right right right at the side in a in a massive hilt There's a fantasy style gold maul sword and it says right on the blade it says vorkalok Do I know this guy's who this guy is? Have I ever seen this person in my life? You turn and you've seen this guy walking around Also stealing drinks at the local cheese. He wasn't here last week, but he's definitely a local.

Without taking my without without even looking at the script so play I'm still playing on mine But I keep glancing over and I look at this guy and I say hey you in the hat. What's your name? What do you want? I'm Randy What I was it not what the fuck oh, this is just us in his crew Randy Randy this is Randy and this is

Do I know all of them? You turn and you point to the wizard doll. His name is Barry. And you are also familiar with Newton. Barry and Newton. What the fuck? Yeah, this is Tusk's crew. We went to elementary school together. How's your ma doing, Tusks? Hey, this isn't Tusk's crew. This is my crew. I'm the one with the maul sword.

Well, I mean, I know tusks, so as far as I'm concerned, this is Tusk's crew. Yeah, what's wrong with it being my crew? I can be the crewmaster. Yeah, what's wrong with it being the crew? Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. He, uh, uh, uh, holds his tusks and sort of gives them a squeeze instead of cracking it into nothing. Hey, Randy! You know gold's a soft metal, right? It's nothing like my 10,000-folded-times steel Malkatana. It's just foiled with gold. It's real steel on the inside. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life! It's the coolest thing in the-- look at what you got!

It's real! It's real Japanese steel! You wanna see this steel? You wanna see this steel? I actually stopped playing, I put my hand on my Malkatana. Woah, woah, woah, Andy, look, just chill, just play, just play, just play. No, like, let him fight, come on. Fight! Fight! Fight! Am I there? Am I there? Yeah, you are. Oh, Andy, give me, just give me, just give me the word.

Give me the word on what? Just give me the word! Just say the word! No, no, no, look, this is a misunderstanding. I know you're reaching to play Rampage, but look, we got here first, fair and square, and maybe we could be convinced to let you play if you, uh, give us your beers. You see Barry tugging at the pant leg of Randy. Hey, just let me, let me, let me get out of here. I got the figure I do. I got the main strap. I don't know, but that guy's a real sick fuck. That guy's a real sick fuck. He's also ugly as fuck. So, uh, I can't believe we wear that public. Did your mom finally get out of prison? Is she home?

My diaper's missing. Oh man. Sorry to hear that. Knuckles. Oh, look at that building! I heard you guys say- Oh, nice! Good job, Knuckles, nice! I heard you guys say "gag, gag, gag, gag, gag." That was real incentive! I think we should get these guys! Oh, no, I just wanna talk! I wanna talk! Randy, can I talk to you? Can I talk to you for a second? Gary, that was a fucking good one, man. That was a good one. Can I talk to you for a second, Randy? Jesus! Why do you wanna talk to Randy? What is it? I just wanna talk to you! What is it, Gary? I just wanna talk- Do you need a knife?

I heard you needed a knife to cut some... I've already got Barry's knife! And he pulls out one of those... Oh! Oh! Is it bigger than Gary's knife?! No, no, no, but it's one of those really stupid, like, uh, uh, uh, uh, Renfest knives that snakes like this. Oh!

Can I see it? Can I see it? Let me just skate all up to you, man. Can I see that? It's so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll skate up to you too. I'll show it to you. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to show you. You want to see the point right here? I'm going to roll between his legs and punch him in the balls. He's the same height as you, dude. No, between from Randy. Oh, Randy. Randy. You start to roll up, and at the same time, you see Barry start to roll up towards Andy. And you're not sure what his intention is. I'm looking at him, and I don't even, I just like don't even move. What's he doing?

I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna talk! I just wanna

That's... plus strength. Yeah. So minus one, that is a 16. 16 hits. Roll for damage. With my hands, oh, so I do 2d4. Four. Six. Yep. That is a nine. Oh, nine. That is a 13 exploding dice. 13 and 16 points of nut punch damage to Randy. I just heard a talk about getting a

Why this is happening though I see Barry kind of skating towards me He's not stopping and I try to like stick my right leg out to be like what is he doing and like try to like keep him away from me while I could do you know surprisingly good leap over your Your foot and you go dude punch up like this and I think I need a role for defend and then I need everyone to go over initiative

punch goose punch god this guy sucks barry sucks guys oh no i got a five on my agility i got a ten so how does this work and your agility yeah it's minus one zero my dodge definitely failed tiffany got a zero i got a zero i got a zero i got an eleven which is appropriate um you take uh

four points of, uh, gooch damage. Uh, I get to reduce it by 1d6 damage because of my heavy armor. Oh, that's terrific. That's terrific. Uh, I reduce it by two, so I take two damage. He's got that armored jockstrap. Uh, and the moment that he just, like, uppercuts me in the gooch knuckles, I'm like, you watched me just double it.

*Grunts* I hit the ground! DAMMIT! WHY DID I- *Grunts* Son of a bitch! You hear Randy? *Grunts* *Grunts* Randy and Andy are both rolling around on the ground. *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts* *Grunts*

Yes. Oh, is it D6? Oh, D6. Sorry. I got a one with my Julius plus two for three. Oh, I got a five. I got a five minus one, so four. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Avantris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas. Shroud over salt mine.

You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Definitely Knuckles, Tiffany, Andy. What did you get? And Gary got a 1. Okay, and then I roll... You can roll for them all separately or individually or together if you'd like. Gary, you're going first. Munster. Uh-oh.

Okay, so, couple of points to notice. I already explained a little bit about how if you're using a melee weapon, you are gonna add your strength modifier to it. If you're using a ranged weapon, you're gonna use your presence modifier. But you, having the class that you have, have some additional things that you can do because you can cast spells. So that will use your mana stat instead, and all of those spells have different things. For now, you start off by picking one.

You can cast up to five spells a day. If you want to pick a second one, that's fine too. I was going to have you pick more spells when we get our cards. Oh, so I pick one spell? For now, yes. And every time you level up, you get a new feat or a new spell. And there are certain spells and feats that if you take them multiple times, they have different effects and things like that.

but I don't know that if yours actually do any of those at the moment. So you'll pick one that you have in your arsenal for now, and then if there's a chance for you to level up, you get to pick additional spells, and it'll be fun, it'll be great. Generally, when you're trying to make an attack, you're looking for a 12 or better. Your spells obviously might say something different based on what, anytime it asks you to make a test, that's like a check. You're looking for a certain amount of DR based on what the spell says.

But what's important to know is that there's a mechanic in this game called drinking. As you know, you've already consumed five beverages. Consuming alcohol of any kind has pros and cons. For each one drink that you've consumed, you'll gain one HP minus damage received. You take less damage because you can't feel it. You're getting drunk. And you'll deal an additional HP of damage when you deal damage with your spells or when you deal damage with your melee or ranged attacks.

Once you have consumed more than two times your toughness modifier in drinks, for you it's zero, so it's gonna be a minimum of two drinks though, then you become drunk. So once you've hit your third drink-- - I'm at five. - You are drunk, right. So what that means is there are a couple of things that will happen.

Every other drink you consume, so you're looking at your third, fifth, seventh drink, you'll actually roll on the drunk table to see what kind of effects happen to you. So it won't happen to you now until you get your seventh drink because you're already at five, you're good at the moment.

But the fun thing is your damage dice can now explode. And what that means is if you happen to roll max damage on a die that you're rolling, you get to keep rolling. As long as you keep hitting max damage, there's no cap. It'll go crazy. Your dice will explode. You do massive amounts of damage if you get lucky. And it's very fun. Last combat, I think it was you who rolled. No, last combat, I didn't do anything. I did absolutely nothing. You went ham at the end of episode two. At the end of episode two. I did 40, like,

Against the bouncer. No! One bouncer just got completely unzipped by Gary. That was me. I spiked several exploding dice. If you take a critical hit, though, you're gonna remove one drink from your total. It sobers you up. If you ever hit 0 HP, you become broken, which means you're in a dying state. But if you ever hit negative HP, you instantly die. Those conditions instantly sober you up. You drop back to 0 if we get you back up. If you have an extra life, if somebody heals you, you wake up sober.

That's about it for now. I don't know if I understood any of that. That's okay. We will happily run as we go. That was a lot. Yes, it is a lot. But you pick it up quick once you start to play. So if you have any questions at all, don't hesitate. So at five, how does that affect what I would do on my turn? Well, you can tell me on my turn. No, you'll take five less damage if you get hit and take damage. And you'll also deal an additional five damage every time one of your spells hits or you get hit with your skateboard. Super easy.

Oh, if you roll a 1, you fumble, just like you would in Dungeons & Dragons. You have a chance to drop or break your weapon if you roll a natural 1, and obviously it's a miss on the opponent. If you roll a natural 20, you roll twice the number of dice that you would normally roll for damage, which increases your chance of exploding as well. So, that's that. Randy has 5 extra damage. I forgot to add my drunk to it. Oh, shit. 5 extra damage. Oh, shit. He's a bit of a bitch.

Um, you did significant amount of damage to, uh, uh, to Randy. We also don't know how drunk they are. We don't know how much armor they might have. To Randy, and, uh, he- Oh, ah, son of a bitch! Fuck, ah! He pulls out his sword, and he brings it down. I'm gonna get you, dummy! And he swings down. I need you to, uh- Who you calling a dummy, dummy?! Uh...

So Gary's are gonna attempt to dodge out of the way of Randy's attack. He's gonna roll a d20 and add his agility modifier to it to see if he gets out of the way. Uh, agility? That'll be a four. A four? That's not good enough. The, um, the Maul Fantasy Goldsword slices down into your stuffing body and you take two points of Goldsword damage.

Two? Wow. I got a good- what's my heavy armor? Uh, no, you- yes, you have heavy armor. You still have heavy armor. It's D6. So you reduce that by D6, but you also reduce it by five because of your drinks. I'd resist it by eleven. Yeah, you resist the hell out of it. Yeah, nice- This guy sucks! It's a soft metal, Randy! This guy fucking sucks! I don't know how much- how is this guy? Just ignore them. Did you fail chemistry class? It's a soft-ass metal. Just like your soft little dick. Berry. Ya bitch.

Uh, is number two. Wow! You motherfucker! Uh, Ares number two? Oh yeah, that's right, you punched me in the gooch. Uh, he, uh, points at you and, uh, I'm on the ground! Ah! God! Ah! I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get you so good! He points at you and the end of his finger starts to glow red. And all of a sudden there's this massive flash. Uh, this, uh, beam of light starts to fly towards you. I need you to roll out of the way. Uh, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm...

huddled over rolling on the ground and I see this light and say, hey, who took my picture? And then I'm going to try to get out of the way of this. Oh boy, I got a...

Nine. Nine is not good enough. You are hit by this Finger of Doom beam attack that the-- Jesus. That Barry is able to attack you with. Wait, do I get to cast that next? Maybe so. What? Finger of Doom? The last smoldering crater appears in your shoulder and blows off chunks of flesh as you take five points of damage. All right, well, I need to reduce it by four at the bare minimum, and then...

Three. I take no damage. And I need to roll a d6 because it's a special design. It actually glances off. It's a glancing blow and it actually doesn't hit. It just kind of grazes and rips my shirt. He lifts up his LED Heelys that he's wearing and he moves, skates around...

I would say he tries to get out of the way. Move him, uh... Your speed is inferior to my roller skates. Move five spaces down the lane here. This way? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, away. Sorry. Yeah. I just fucked it all up. No, you're fine. You're fine. Tusk pulls out a, um... Uh...

bike chain and he starts to swing it around his head. Oh my god! It doesn't have to be like this! This is just for my bra! And he searches at you. Oh shit! There's three? Yep. Because it's got me, you tusks! He can move up to five spaces and I needed to attempt to jump out of the way as he attempts to ram into you with his tusks. I mean he could trample me to get to Knuckles if that's what he's trying to do. He was here one two three four five.

So he- you have to get out of Andy's spot. Oh, I thought that he- my apologies. Uh, he's K that you looked at? It's Knuckles. Three is- You know what, he's just gonna take a crack at, um, Gary. Uh, he swings down with his bike chain. Uh, go ahead and dodge. Oh my god! It's the 90s! It's gang violence in the 90s! It's

It's actually quite a big problem in this era. He's got five- Natural 20, folks! Oh, so you actually- That means I get to counterattack with this murder attack! He swings down and he somehow dodged the whipping chain. What do you do? Wow, limpid doodly, just like your limp doodly dick, bitch! And nut punch! Why do you nut punch and then twist with your mouth open, going upwards? It's where swords are- Oh no.

No chance. No, uh, we don't have- We don't have it. Oh, these are tokens. Yeah, so actually we get money. We have plenty of money to spend. That's how we did it last week. Newton pulls out one of those ball shooters that shoots ping pong balls, and he looks around- Are we quiet? He spots the tiny doll body of Tiffany. He looks at her and he's like, I don't even know who you are. And he-

Shoots a ball at you. I need you to dodge by rolling a d20 to see if you can get out of the way. 17. That's pretty good. 17, that's good enough. You were able to easily move to the side. Rude! A ping pong ball dances down the lane, disappearing underneath a cabinet. That's the monster's turn. Knuckles, you are up. Oh, that's cool. So all of the monsters go, and I like that. That's fun. Or is that... Okay, got it. Look.

You know, you didn't- you- you- you're the one who pushed us here, alright? Uh, I'm gonna run, I'm gonna- can I stomp through his face? You're the one hogging the game! As an ally, you can pass through me. He tried to kill me with a bike chain, Knuckles! Get him, get him, get him, get him! One, two, three... This is Tusks? Yeah. Yes. Uh, is he still holding his drink? Um, all of them are holding their drinks, yes. I only had one token, but you pushed me to this!

I'm just gonna lunch through his beer. Okay. I'm not gonna try to attack. Okay. I think to resolve that, you make an attack and see if you hit. I'm gonna, because it's slightly more challenging, I'm gonna raise the DC to 14. 20. Nice! You are able to grab his wrist. He's shocked. Give me that! He's still dodging out of the way of the Gary classic nut attack, and you're able to pull the beer free. A little bit sloshes out onto the floor and onto your hand, but you have a full beer in your hand.

Can I down it? You have rapid quaffing. I do. I just down it immediately. Hey, that's my drink! That takes me to six. Nice. Dammit, Knuckles! What's the break points? Five was the break point, right? It'll be odds for basically all of us because none of us had a high top-kiss score. That's right. I'm close to zero. How do you know what your movement is? Oh, everybody moves... Six squares.

30 feet. So six squares. It's all just even across the board. And basically on your turn, you move, you can take an action, which is like make an attack or cast a spell, and then, you know, free object interaction. And I think we're doing 1.5s for diagonal still. That's just traditional. Can you action move? Like, does it matter which? No order. Any order you want.

You see this scene unfold around you. The investment in this fight is elusive, but your new friends are cool and they seem to be getting attacked by evil versions of themselves. This is so not cool. This is lame. Especially you. You don't know who I am. Like, really? And I'm going to look toward whatever that was. That was Newton, a turtle person wearing a tan bandana. Oh.

I think you need- A TANDANA! Let me tell you everything there is to know about me. And Tiffany is just gonna start rattling off all of this information about herself. It's so boring it's gonna put him to sleep as I cast sleep on him. Oh! Okay, uh, roll to sleep. Okay, and then when I was three I did this, and so- I had you as the host. Oh. Natural 20. Oh!

That's a really good move against Newton because his special is that the first time he takes damage that would kill him, he cancels all damage. Instead... Sleep. I choose an enemy. I make a DR 14 mana test. You crushed it. The target appears to fall asleep. They cannot move until they take damage. They are actually awake and feel everything.

That's a nightmare. That's fucked up! Tiffany! What kind of witchcraft were you practicing? This story is just so... Don't you dare say anything. He leans up against the cabinet and he's like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay, yeah, all right, cool, whatever, yeah. Are you listening? Hello? Yeah, I'm listening, I'm listening. Okay, okay. And so then when I was five... You know what, that's crazy. That's crazy, that's so crazy. Oh gosh, oh gosh, still going. That's crazy. He continues to sort of nod along as you continue to tell this story, and you've effectively neutralized Newton. Andy, you are up.

I'll like, I'll get up to my feet, I'm breathing heavy. I got you in the gooch, you big bitch! These guys fucking suck! Watch out, he's got a fucking chain! Oh shit! I will draw my Maul Katana, and I like, zero in on Randy. And I'm like, this guy's gotta go. And is he number one? He is number one. I'm gonna see if I can get to him.

Diagonally, I can get to him. I don't know if I can pass through. If I can pass through, I'd like to get behind him. I don't know if it's difficult to read. You can pass through Gary, right? Yeah, good enough. I'm gonna get here. And I leap over Gary, and I'm sweating. My face is red because I got punched in the goosh. And as I jump over Gary, I'm going to make a slash attack with my Maul Katana and try to get this guy.

I don't ask for much. I gotta- I gotta pick it up from last time here. You got it. Oh, beautiful. Ah, fifteen. Fifteen. He's a slippery motherfucker.

And he- you would need a 16 in order to hit you, uh, in order to hit. I'm never gonna hit this guy. He jumps, uh, to the side and you hear this *whoosh* as your Maul Katana, um, uh, hits and nothing but air. I was so certain that I was gonna hit this guy that I'm like smirking as I- as I swing the katana and the second that I miss I am absolutely stunned. And I'm just- I'm stunned to the silence and I don't do anything. He's fast! That's my turn.

You land and realize that perhaps Randy has more tricks up his sleeve. Gary, you're up. Randy. How did he touch that? So do I feel like Newton will wake up if I attack him or does it look like I can coup de grace? If you attack him and damage him, you will wake him up based on the magic. You have a magical arcane understanding of this. I know you felt that it was really embarrassing.

Don't worry about it. It was right in front of me, man. It happens to all of us. We embarrassingly miss our attacks all the time. I don't know how I missed. It's not a big deal. Everyone's going to forget about this in a couple of years. No one will remember this in a couple of years. Gary loses his whole time.

I'll avenge you, Andy. I go after Randy. No wait, where's Gary? Where's Barry? - Barry is number two. - Oh, I'm in pursuit. - Okay. - Oh, I'll break her, break her. - You jump up under the roller blades and you start to spin forward. - You're trying to punch him. - Gary spins around on his Heelys and he looks at you. What do you want, you very similar wizard guy?

I'm gonna literally tear you to stuffing and ruin your entire day. I'm going to- I'm gonna make sure that- that your entire family forgets your name and they regret that you were ever born, you fucking- fucking doppelganger. You wish, and your beard looks stupid! I'm gonna tear your beard from your flesh and light you on fire! Jesus!

I'm gonna give it gang violence on you! Then push! You race forward and endeavor to punch him in the nuts, his soft puppet nuts. Roll a d20. Roll the hit. In reality, they're just doing this. Gotta reroll. I miss. You miss. He is able to slide back and your hand hits nothing but air.

"Oh you, that's a cheap trick! That's a cheap trick dodged by Nutpunch! I can't believe you're so overpowered! I can't believe they made- they should patch this game and nerf this fuckin' asshole!" Randy turns to you and he flips his cap, his baseball cap all the way around and looking at you, Andy, he's like, "I'm still stunned. I'm just stunned. I don't know how this happened." No wonder it says "0" on your t-shirt. He swings forward making a slash attack with his gold sword. "That was pretty good!" "That was really good, but no one will remember this!" Roll the die.

Natural 20. Fuck this game. I'm taking a fucking power attack on this ass. You flash it forward and you catch it. The problem is I only have a 25% chance to hit this guy. I have to roll a 6% B19, 19, or 20. I have no plus to my strength. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strength is tough.

No good. No good. He slashes forward and you are engaged in... Yeah, I just catch his blade. You catch his blade and it slides all the way to the hill, sparks flying in all directions, and you are engaged in a sword fight. I'm gonna kill you, you poser! I'm gonna kill you too! He's got a... I haven't described it yet, but he's got a black goatee and black hair. LAUGHTER

You look like a fucking freak! Barry races forward. He does a 360 and flips around to the other side of Gary. It's Barry Bad-Barry! My mortal nemesis! I'm gonna hit your Barrys bad! Gooch-bosh! And he gets knocked out of the way. That's not where I throw my balls! I'm gonna hit your Barrys bad. Oh no. I think it's just only 12.

Twelve should be enough. Oh, is it? Right? Oh yeah, twelve is pretty flat. Generally, yes. Twelve or higher, unless for some reason his attack is more accurate. No special attack. You're able to dodge out of the way just at the last second, avoiding his mage slap. Tusks, Pigman, Bruiser. Your cheek, your cheek, your cheek. They should nerf you. They should nerf arcade mages.

Nerf mages, Nerf mages! Broke and busted! Now he is going to race forward and Tuff is going to move diagonally and attempt to charge through Knuckles. I needed a dodge out of the way for him. To get to the other side of him? Yeah, to get to the other side. Okay. Oh god. Thanks for the be a chump. Oh god, no! Oh, roll a two. Plus zero. Two.

I think you're the chump! Uh, you're gonna take, uh, only two points of, uh, charge damage, but you are knocked down. Uh oh. I reduced it by three. Yeah, you took damage. They don't do a lot of damage, but they're slippery. And I moved him through nuts. Thank you, thank you. Uh, and then finally-- My spaghetti! No!

Oh, it's fine. Can Newton do anything as you continue to tell the story? I mean, it just says they can't move until they take damage. No, he's basically out of the fight. Yeah. Until he takes damage. They are actually awake and feel everything. And he's going to know everything that happens when he wakes up. Oh, yeah. That's the wildest story. I love it. It's cool. Nicky neutralized him. He's neutralized. Knuckles, you're up.

You know, that's... I knew your best friend Enzo was a bad influence. I get up. But you're gonna get the knuckles! And I'm gonna... Give him the knuckles. Oh boy, we're not rolling very hot. Eight? That does not hit. No. Just... You stay right there and please don't use that metal chain. Tiffany, you're up. Tiffany is... Well, I'm gonna move over here. Yeah? Well, with spells...

Can I just keep using spells? It's not like concentration. You can use five a day. So you used one. Do they have to be at range or can you do them? No, you're good. We'll walk over here continuing to talk to Barry. Or not Barry. Newton. And then she'll look up at Randy. Excuse me. Are you listening? Do you know who I am? Okay.

He's like in the middle of like a little hot chat with- Hello? He's just ignoring you. Oh. My. God. So when I was three, and so she's gonna start going off and she's gonna cast sleep on him as well. Oh shit! And she starts talking to Randy. Alright, DR14, let's go. What is up with these guys? Um... Wow, that's crazy, Tiffany.

No. That's really crazy. No! No, I rolled a two. That's okay. He's deaf to your word if he continues to engage. Two plus three is five. Fourteen. It's high because it's, you know, powerful. I try to counterattack and I just, I think to myself, there's no way he'll see this coming. There's no way he'll miss right now. There's no way he'll miss, and get him. You got him. You won't miss.

It was a 15 and it rolled to a five. - It rolled to a five. - I miss. - You don't miss so much as you are just being countered by every single dude. - Every time I think I have him, he catches my blade. And every time I think he has me, I catch his blade. We're locked in this mirror battle. - Exactly right. Gary, you're up. - I see my friend Andy and I want to give him an opening. I am going to very bad Barry. You know what? You're not even worth my time. You missed my gooch. You missed my good bears. Good day, sir.

I'm gonna skate away. Okay. And I'm going towards, uh, towards number one. Yeah. And I'm gonna try to... Easy. I'm gonna just roll beneath his legs and just give him a nut punch to hopefully double him over. Okay, okay. And give Andy a coup de grace moment. You do a really cool move where you, like, skate against the side of the cabinet just as you, uh, just before you scoot underneath Andy. Randy's legs.

Well, I missed him. He's really slippery. He's really slippery. It's fast, man. I wasn't trying to punch or nothing. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to talk, man. That's it. Randy jumps into the air as Gary's turn ends. He leaps up. A gold sheen arriving as his blade slices down, making a vertical slash attack.

Plenty. Plenty. Uh, I got, uh, 17, or 18 to get out of the way. Uh, he, uh, pushes in and, uh, whispers into you, you've been studying the blade too, haven't you? I can't believe you thought I'd fall for that jackass. And, uh, Barry is going to, uh, scoot back and, uh, he's going to... What are you gonna do, cast magic at me? Ha ha ha ha!

Idiot! You can line up here and- He lines up right there, yep. What are you gonna do, cast magic at us and lie? You dumb idiot! You're the dumb idiot! Of course I'm gonna cast magic at you! Oh- oh fuck, I didn't think it'd actually fucking do it! AHHHHH! Oh shit! AHHHHH! Visual theme cannon! His finger ta- uh, turns red. I need you to, uh, avoid the finger of doom. What the fuck, he's actually a wizard! I'm just dressed like- I play with my TV, what the fu- AHHHHH! Oh, I need to what? Just roll dodge. Try to get out of the way. *Gasp* Ugh!

Can you use a different die? Ooh, that ten. Not good enough. A ten. You see this beam of red flash outwards and some of your stuffing finally comes free as you take an additional four points of... Is that not armor? Can I use armor again? It's four points of damage coming in.

Oh, yeah, I mean you basically just get right- Four points! Yeah, no, but okay, I'm not gonna fudge up! Oh, okay. These guys suck. These guys fucking suck! Our booze alone is just tanking it. Shit, you literally just blasted a hole in my JNCO jeans, and I'm not gonna do anything about it. My stinky old JNCO jeans are- It actually looks cooler. It's got the lines of fabric, right? Ah, Gary, why do your jeans stink, man? My Tati Wives are poking through now! Dude, dude! Oh my god, I recognize those underwear!

We have a washer and dryer in our building, man. Yeah, but you know what they put at the washer and dryers? You know what they put at the dryers? Quarters. Jerry, is that you? Our landlord puts fire ants in those things. I can't get ants in my pants. There's a whole game about that, why you can't get ants in your pants.

Tusks turns around and he pulls out a Motorola Razr and he flips it open and he makes a quick call and he's "Yeah, yeah, Paul. Yeah, yeah, this guy, this guy, he made fun of Ma and he stole my beer. I'm gonna give him the chains. Here comes the chains!" And he slashes down with the chains. "Why'd you put me in the Verizon store?"

He's dodged out of the way of the bike chain. And because he's got momentum, the damage could be more if you don't make it. So I roll a 12. That's just enough. Yeah. I don't even dodge. He just totally misses. I'm so enamored that he can afford the brand new razor. I missed him, Paul. I'm going to get him. And finally, Newton is still asleep. He can't do anything. He's out. So he's just basically drooling and snoring on one of the cabinets. And that's the end of his turn. Knuckles, you're up.

Give me that! And I lunge for his razor, but I accidentally go and punch him instead. Please tell me that's hits. 15? Oh, come on. It's gotta be good enough. Yeah, Tusks isn't that fast. Only Randy has the special of hiding. This is bullshit! Um... 2 plus 6, 8 damage. 8 damage. Fantastic. Um, that's for, uh, that's the Tusks? That's the Tusks.

Okay, you punch him and he drops the razor which slides into the floor, nearly coming to rest just in front of one of the cabinets nearby. And you can see that he's on the edge just from this one massive punch that you've done. That's my turn? Ow! Fuck! Tiffany, you're up. Um...

I am standing next to Newton and he is asleep. Yeah, that's why. Can I take his alcohol? Oh yeah! It's slipping in his hand. You can see a few drips are coming out. You would be able to take it, I'd say, without issue. I wouldn't make you roll an attack or anything. You could grab it as a free action and down it as a free action. Let's go! Well played! Fantastic. I'm gonna take his alcohol. Yeah, he's been Newton-realized.

I just really don't like the way you're not listening to me. And then I'm gonna turn towards Randy. And I really don't like the way you're not listening to me either. And I'm going to grab my skateboard and I'm going to smack him in the back of the knees. Okay. Roll the hit. No. He's fast. This Randy guy's really, he's a strong fighter. He's a very powerful fighter.

Andy. He's not that strong, Gary! He's just fast! I'm sure you'll get him this time! Get him, get him, Andy! Get him! I know you'll get him this time! You'll get him! You've got it, Andy. I only have a 25% chance. You'll get him! Don't worry, don't worry. Ha!

13. 13. 13 beers of the local cheese, but not enough to hit. He counters once again, and you are shocked by the equality of the match that you are facing. Every single blow, his stamina, identical, his flexibility, his athleticism. You've seemingly met your match. I'm looking. Newton.

And I think, how very fitting for Newton to die in his sleep, seemingly by old age or natural causes, but probably actually on account of mercury poisoning due to his alchemical hobby. Another time for your alchemical mercury death, Newton. As I try to nut punch, I'm gonna, oh. Who are you nut punching? Newton. Yeah, Newton. Are you gonna wake him up? No, no, no. Randy. Randy. But I miss. Okay. I got 12. You miss? Damn.

Randy is just very effective. I gotta get on this guy. I wanna use my movement. As soon as we like down one of the two of these guys, the tide's gonna turn. I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna turn around. You know what? Andy, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Randy's way too strong and powerful and handsome and like really skilled. I gotta give it up. It's fine! I gotta give it up. I can't help you anymore. I can't help you anymore. Okay? Barry, I'm back on you. I'm back on you, you big old bitch.

Randy, he faints and he lets one of your slash attacks go wide and then he comes in for a piercing stabbing attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, here it comes. You're fine. You're a natural 20. You got a fucking 20.

I easily get out of the way with a dirty 20. He says something about you being a jackass and then very quickly as you're in the middle of combat he pulls out a Digimon and he quickly feeds his monster pet and then slides it back into his pocket. Then Barry, he turns to Gary and he goes, "Big bitch! You're the big bitch!" And he attempts to give you the gooch punch.

Okay, you've got five mage slab damage coming into your gooch if you don't uh... I mean I'm already drunk enough for that it don't do nothing. Yeah. Oh, it just doesn't do anything? No. No, we have armor and we're wasted. Oh, does this damage reduction too? Absolutely! Oh shit! Absolutely! Wow, okay. Then he should probably be using Fingertip Doom more.

Tusks is going to attempt to hit you with the bike chain. Where is he? He's here. He's going to do another charge attack and race through and attempt to knock you down again. I'm ready for it this time, Tusks. Fool me twice, shame on me. Go ahead and roll the dodge. Oh, and it's terrible. Seven. Seven. You take, or incoming, six points of damage. Nothing, but I'm not prone.

Um, and because he hit, I'm gonna make note of this. And Newton is still asleep. Is he not gonna be prone still? Oh, yes, he does. He does. Oh, he fooled me twice! Uh, Knuckles, you're up. Ah, you think you're better than me because your dad's a bookie and you can afford Verizon? I try to smash his phone. That's very funny. As a free option or action. Or would that be an action? I'm not gonna make you...

Rolls. I'm not gonna make you use your action, but I still think that there's a chance that you could fail at this. So I want you to make a... What are our rolls? There's... Presence is the catch-all. I think... Strength, agility, presence. I think you need to make an agility check in the heat of combat to see if you can smash it. Ten.

I'm gonna say that that's enough. The DR was gonna be very low, but it's on its face as one of these open clamshell faces and you're able to crack it and actually flatten it against the soft carpet, the patterned carpet of the local cheese floor. God, that's not cool, man, actually. Hey, how could you do that to my phone? Yeah, I mean, that's pretty fucked up, man. Those are so expensive. They're so expensive. I was talking to my pa!

And his sprints coverage may not be as good, but it's good enough for me! And I punch him. I am rolling terribly. Yeah, we have 11? Yeah. 11 is just under what you need. You need to get that 12. We can't roll higher than a 10. Yeah.

I'm rolling really high on my dodges, but not on my attacks. Well, no, not even saying. It's a free object interaction that we have. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna drink the drink in my flask. You pull the flask out and you drain the contents. Puts me at seven. Puts you, putting you at seven, which is not our next break. Oh, it is? Oh, it is? Absolutely, it is. Outstanding. So you're gonna roll a d20. We're gonna see what happens. Five. One moment. Where is it? Oh, this is gonna be good.

This is a... where is it? ...satisfactor. You are unlucky. Negative one to all rolls. Oh! Oh! Brutal. That sucks! That's brutal.

Okay. But that is not the conclusion of your turn. You just start to feel like, oh, wow, maybe a small doll such as yourself shouldn't be consuming this much liquor. You watch as the little dial on Tiffany's back turns and her hair gets longer. She's totally hair Tiffany. As her hair gets significantly longer, but she starts to trip on it.

as she's stumbling around drunkenly, but she continues to, I still have something I can do, yeah? Yeah, you got your action. So I will stumble around, stumbling into the calves of Randy as I'm looking up to him. And like, I totally could have been a physicist if I wanted to, or a doctor, or an astronaut, or if I wanted to be an attorney, or a lawyer, or one of those things if I wanted to, and I'm going to try and cast sleep on him. Okay.

On whom? Randy. Thank you. Four. Oh, man! I really bought it. I really bought the story. A three. To be fair. Being locked in combat with Randy, I look him in the eyes and I say out loud to everybody, You know, everybody thinks that because I'm the main character, I'm gonna sit here and keep fighting you. But this is called character growth, bitch! And I push him away and I go for Tusks. And I'm gonna make an attack on Tusks. Okay.

He thinks he's better than us, Andy! Slice him in half! It was a 19 and it rolled to a 1. You got this! You got this! Oh! Oh, it was a 1. I fumble my katana. Oh, shit! It was a 19 and it hit the mat and it rolled to a 1. I can't believe- I'm the unlucky one. Yeah. Yeah, I fumble and the katana- What does a fumble mean? My weapon could break or I could drop it and have to find it. You swing down and-

Tusk sees you coming from a mile away. You announced your attack. I shouldn't have announced my plans. And he loops his chain around the katana that you've been holding and pulls it free from your hands and it flies over the cabinets off into another lane some distance away. Uh-oh. It's my turn. Uh-oh. Gary, you're up. Andy! Knuckles! Let's triple team this pig! Ew! No. Ew! No. Ew!

Nooo. No. We're gonna triple! Oh, sorry, I was confused. I moved to the right square, but I was focused on the wrong person. My bad, my bad. Thank you. Let's triple team this ding dong pig! I'm in! Sign me up! Ew, Gary. What are you doing? You gotta roll for it. I'm not much of a sense. Yes! Yes! Finally! Finally!

This pig is about to get spit-roasted! Oh no! This is scary! Hey man, those are inside thoughts, come on! About to get spit-roasted and serve-- Well, inside for a pig, I guess, I mean, from a certain point of view. Stuff some fruit in his mouth and spit-roast him. Oh my god! Uh... Does a fire elicit fire? What does that look like?

You just punching him in the balls? I do a... I do a... He's facing the other direction and you make instant contact and Tusk falls down unconscious. His eyes roll up into his head. He drops his chain. He falls to his knees and he slams forward onto the arcade floor, completely knocked out. He's gone. That's right, bitch.

Well done. Yeah, Cary, go! Yeah, we triple-teamed that team! Let's go! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Um, you see, uh, you see Randy, um, and he is insulted that you have, uh, left this, uh, epidual that you were having. Uh, he was enjoying the sword fight and he looks around and he's like, guys, get it together. You, you, we, we, we have to, we have to win this fight. And he turns his cap around one more time, but throws it this time into the air and it flashes into gold, sparkles rain down, uh,

suddenly Newton wakes back up. Tusks does not come back to life, but everyone seemingly empowered by Randy's rallying cry as their damage goes up significantly in this moment. I don't sound anything like that! Oh, fuck. Randy races forward and...

He's one. I mean, yeah. He's right next to me. He's gonna jump around, flip his sword twice, and then slash down with his attack. Natural 20. Yeah! I get out of the way. Oh, yes, but I don't have a weapon.

I will still yes, I will I will I will I have seen Gary nut punch people so many times It's bad as I dodge out of the way I get super low and I come up with a super uppercut attempt to I wanted 400 this No, I miss I got a the five five. Okay, I

You get the sense that having spent his golden cap energy in order to reinvigorate his friends that his armor has dropped down to 12. Thank God. I got another plan, but it's not going to happen this turn. That is Randy's turn. Barry is...

Back out over here. Right next to Gary. Oh, you're gonna get it, you bitch! You're gonna get it this time! I'm gonna use two fingers! Oh, God, you're both perverts! They both glow red, and you need to dodge from two beams coming right at you. Yeah, you would need two fingers! Dodge out of the fucking way, my friend. Dodge out of the fucking way. You've got 15 damage coming. Oh, nine! And then, oh, and then a ten!

So I got two 15 total damage 15 total- oh Three My- uh

Uh, five. Eight. Reduce it by eight. Pick seven. Jesus. Seven points of damage! Oh fuck! This time, the searing heat of his disintegration beams fly out of his fingers, uh, slamming into you. You feel more than your JNCO genes go as you- as you are hit by this significant attack. Um, Newton, uh, who suddenly wakes up, uh, he goes- Bastards, that's fucking cheating! He looks at his, um, uh, his ball launcher and he goes, "I've been pointing this the wrong way!"

And he turns it around and it looks like a rocket launcher as he suddenly- *laughs* We're fucked! No! What?! You're so fucking way! Uh, where is, uh, four? Uh, he's in the back corner by Tiffany. He's in the back corner. He's gonna, uh, back up. Yep. Five, uh, five spaces and he's going to launch- *sounds of rocket launch* Oh shit. As this rocket flies towards you, Tiffany. Oh no. Dodge it, dodge it, dodge it, dodge it, dodge it, dodge it, dodge it, dodge it, dodge it! Okay, so I have to roll to dodge. Yep. At your agility?

So, an eight. An eight is not enough. You are going to take eight points of damage unless you can reduce it with your armor. So you reduce it by the number of drinks you consume. So I can reduce it by seven. And then you roll 1d2 for your armor. Roll a d6 and you can just do... Can I get a coin? You know what? I have two of these. This is yours now. That's a gift. Happy birthday. Thank you, thank you.

So I reduce it to zero. You take nothing. Yeah, there's no way that you couldn't have taken-- Oh yeah. I didn't even need to float. That's Newton's turn and he is no longer asleep thanks to Randy's rallying cry. Uh, Randy, you're up. Uh, Knuckles, you're up. Andy, your Maul Katana! I know, I know! I'm working on the backup plan! You need a weapon! Here! Until you figure something else-- Something else out, take this! And I'll give you my Nokia. Aw, sweet man! It's probably better than even a fucking brick.

Thank you! Who... What's his name is... You know, I'm just gonna keep focusing on Tusks. I'm gonna go in for a punch. He's done. He's done. Oh, he's done! That's right! He didn't get rezzed by the rallying cry. Everybody else just sort of got reset and their damage... You think you're so tough? No one's touched you yet! Try to dodge this! And I'm going to punch him.

That's a finally a 21 nice try to dodge what ready to Randy. Oh hell. Yeah, sorry Do you wanna move like here? Yeah? If I can yeah You got plenty movement actually no is Galileo up Newton is Back here, but he's way back. He just tried to he just tried to nuke if you'll let me change my attack. Oh

No, that's not you. Oh, sorry. You were right here next to me. I'm going to... If I can walk over Tiffany... Yeah, you can. I think I would be upset that this guy is mocking my dear friend Galileo. That's right. I'm very happy with you transferring the damage. He's gonna hit you so hard!

Then you're gonna die in your sleep! I explode 50% of the time, and I've yet to explode on all four, now four episodes. Oh no. Unreal. That is a two plus six, which is eight damage. Eight damage. That's pretty good.

Newton's like, "Dude, like, what is your problem?" And you hit him and knock him out in one punch. He falls backwards and crashes on the arcade floor. You're able to instantly put him down. Inventing physics and shit!

Should I just remove them from the field since I can't flip them over? Um, no. No. Oh yeah, you can't flip them over. I should have. That's okay. Don't worry about it. You can mark them as, uh... No, no, no. Should we have a dead sign? Yeah, we only have these tokens one time. Mark them as dead. Okay. And then you can just X, yeah. And I'll cross him off here, off of my list. Um, you hear Randy turn. Newton, no! And, uh, that is the conclusion of Knuckles' turn.

She's a little waist, she's a little white girl waist. And I just like, I just really want my other shoes because heels hurt my feet. I don't have flats. And I'm going to lumber forward with my skateboard and attempt to attack Randy again. I could have been somebody, but I decided I wanted to be a dog walker and then I'm going to, yeah, attempt to smack him.

With a two. Well, a negative one and a negative one, so a zero. A zero. That's a critical failure. Oh! No, it's only if you roll a one. Only if you roll a one. It's just like a fumble. Okay. You have to roll a one. Thank you. A natural one. Thank you, thank you. So it's not the value or lower. That makes sense, that makes sense. You unfortunately whiff. Yeah, I do. But I can do other things, right? Yeah, you can move. You have a... Oh, okay, yeah. So I would have moved this way. You're hurt, right?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm literally like, um, the great Gonzo after holding a bomb or something. Gary, you look really beautiful right now. Oh, thank you, Tiffany. You've never been this nice to me before. Oh, thank you! Oh, you were talking to Gary. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. I thought you said Barry. You know she could have been a physicist. Our names are very similar.

You could- she could have been a physicist! Oh no, she's gagging! Barry, your breath smells terrible! What? Oh, Gary, you're bleeding, and I'm gonna hand you my Sunny D. Sunny D for me? Just a little bit of Sunny D among us. Oh, Sunny D! Oh, thank you, Tiffany! You're so nice! You're so nice! She's just gonna cry.

And so you, um, can restore 2D HP. Whoa! If drunk. 2D what? 2D HP. Yeah, you just drink it and you'll... Oh, there's two? Like a, like a D2. Hell yeah! Oh, D2? Roll, yeah, you flip a point. Or roll or die. Thank you so much, Tiffany.

I'll drink it on my turn, don't worry. I'll drink it on my turn. I'm listening, I'm listening. I look down to where Tusk has fallen over, and I want to pick up his chain. And I'm going to wield it against Randy. Oh, yeah. No, I put the gnocchi in my back pocket, and I say, I say, Knuckles, I'm going to make you proud! And I pick up this chain, and assuming that it's a melee weapon, I attempt to...

I attempt to just thrash Randy with a metal chain. This is no 10,000 times folded Japanese steel, but this'll do! Oh no, Andy! I roll a six. You're having a rough night! You whip it forward, and I-- Every other roll I'm getting a natural 20. And he turns, and with his golden sword, he holds it up, and you-- He manages to catch the chain midair, sliding it out in a shriek of sparks, and he's anticipated your every move. Gary, you're up.

It's almost like he's me. Tiffany, thank you! Can you hold my hair back? I think I'm gonna be sick. I got a one. I get one hip point. I get one hip point. Sometimes that's all you need. Tiffany, can I hold your hair back a little bit? Okay. You know, Tiffany, you've been really nice to me just now. Thank you. You know,

I'm sorry that you weren't a physicist. I'm sorry that there were no there was no gold in them hills No platinum in those pretty pills just werewolves tossing dollar bills and the wine dark sea of Alamut What? NUT PUNCH! As I go over to Barry Over here. Okay. I try to nut punch him. 12 or higher. I got minus 1 to 12. You're good. That's just enough.

Four. Yeah, take him out. That's max. So then seven. Same punch. Seven.

Nine you roll 2d4 right? Yep, that exploded. So you roll your own. So this one right you roll three. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you rolled double three so nine plus five is 14 points of damage 14 points of damage you Punch him in the nuts so hard. He starts to moan and wail. Oh I can't believe I got punched in the nuts by another wizard. Yeah, I don't

I don't need fucking magic, you cheap son of a bitch! I can't believe that you have defeated me, you big bitch! You cheated using fucking magic! I can't believe that you would defeat a wizard! I just drank a fucking son of a bitch! I know you did. I must, I must away. I must go to wizard heaven. Oh, wait, no, you're going to fucking wizard hell, you dumbass. Reborn as a, as a, as a, as Whiteberry. No, no, no, no, no, you're, you're... I'm Greyberry right now. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, you're more like Sauron, man. As is tradition. Your spirit? No, no, no, no, no. After you get stabbed in the back by Ruin Wormtongue, a Ruin Luminatongue little god is going to blow your spirit away. What I'm saying, what I'm saying. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, Wormtongue is literally going to stab you in the back. The ritual. And you're going to try to reach altitude. I'm trying to, what the fuck are you talking about? A Ruin Luminatongue is going to send a wind to blow your spirit away, you big bitch. He reaches into his head. Okay, I got to go. I see you.

I still have my movement. He reaches into his pouch and you see he produces his orb. Oh no. Oh god no. So, Gary. Yeah? I always loved you. Well. Take my orb. I gotta say that a little bit of a tar is really smart by banishing your essence with a holy wind. My essence has been banished. Yeah, well, I hope you die, you big bitch. Oh, you are dying, okay. I always wanted to talk to you about Phoenix, Arizona. Well...

Well, go die now. Okay. Go die. Goodbye, Garrett. No, no. I love you. No, no, no. No, no, no. Goodbye, Sour Man. He dies.

That is the greatest death that's ever happened on this channel. He's done now. He's done. He's done. I forgot to move it. Okay. I'm back, Tiffany. I'm back, Tiffany. I can hold your hair. Oh, oh, oh. Since you gave me that. Oh, you said you needed a knife? You need a knife to cut something?

Did they just die? Yeah, he died. He left him with a little- Oh my god! Yeah, and his spirit tried to reconstitute it to another body, but Rue Louboutin is gonna win the game. Did you say Louboutin? I love a good Louboutin. That's not true! That's not true! What do you mean? You're making up lies! You know what I'm saying? I'm not dead yet! No, Rue Louboutin bans you to hell. Alright, alright, fine. There's no Jim Henson where you're going. You big bitch.

Randy's the only person left. We gotta take this guy out, come on! That all took six seconds. Brilliant. Brilliant, Michael. And he turns and he only has eyes for one. It's Andy. Don't worry, I'll roll another natural 20 to get out of the way. He rotates his sword in his hand a couple more times. I'm gonna get you, Andy! I'm gonna get you! And he runs forward and he tries to drive it into your chest. Yeah. This'll be the one that gets me.

Uh, yeah, I only got a 11 to get out of the way. He gets me, finally. You've got 12 damage incoming. I'll reduce it by 9 and take 3. I'm looking a little rough. It cuts into you. He definitely draws blood. Yeah, he draws blood. He doesn't quite stab into you, but you feel the blade graze against you, and you're hurting. But he is, you've defeated his friends. He's got the bloodlust now. Knuckles, you're up.

Get him on this guy! Get him! Get him! Uh, I'm gonna try to like, from behind, grab him and choke him out, flavoring my unarmed strike with my... Yeah! I miss. Why is he so fast?! He dodges out of the way easily, Tiffany.

You need to cut something? Use a pocket knife. Okay. Here you go. There's a free arm right here. What do I cut? I just saw someone die in front of me. Oh, you could. Wait, who's alive? Randy. Just Randy. Oh, you can use that. You can move that open. It's really good against like hamstrings and the tendon behind, like above the heel. The Achilles tendon. I could be a doctor if I want. Yeah, yeah, but you know,

There was no gold in them hills, no platinum in them pretty pills, just were all tossing dollar bills in the blind dark sea of Malibu. What? So no, just go cut Randy's Achilles tendon with that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll turn and I'll run toward Randy, like almost completely feral, and I will just leap into the air and try and ram the knife into the back of his knee. Okay. And then like slide down and cut his Achilles tendon. He doesn't see you coming. He's engaged in combat with Andy. And Knuckles.

16. 16 hits. And you would have hit even if he hadn't hit the power. Thank God. Keep this guy skulled. Okay, so what do I roll for the knife? Oh, yeah. What's the... Yeah, you gotta give it some damage. It doesn't actually have it in the table, but you can make it up whatever it is. I'm gonna give it a D4. I think that's fair. Okay. I think that's fair.

I think it's fine. So I roll a d4. Yeah, you roll a d4. If you get fours, you keep going. Two. Okay. Plus my seven. Plus your seven. Huge damage. Nine. Nine? Nine points of damage. He had one hit point since Gary's first round when he initially punched him in the nuts. Oh, you clobbered his ass. Oh my god. He's just been holding on to my fucking threads.

All you needed to do was hit this slippery bitch. How do you want to do this? So Tiffany, as she's running, her hair is very long and Gary is still holding it back for her. She's going to look towards him and she's, Gary, you're going to die, you big fucking bitch! And she's going to run up and just stab into his leg and then slide it all the way down and cut his, just cut it all open. Ow, my arm!

You can go die now, you big bitch. There's like blood everywhere. She's covered in blood. Good job, good job. There's like a really gruesome one minute scene where we all watch Randy bleed out. And he just dies. And Tiffany in her 12 inch form is just standing over him, heaving, holding the blade.

And you look around as the forms of your foes, all of them are slumped or dead or crushed against the floor of the local chief. And when they start to blink and they disappear, transforming into tokens, tickets and other trappings. - That was bloody, but I guess it's true what they say. If you make it out alive, hold that bloody head up high.

I'm missing a sleeve and the zero is like slashed, cut open and I'm bleeding from my chest. There's some blood in the corner of my mouth. I walk over to Knuckles and I give him back the Nokia. The chain drops out of my hand. Here. Thanks dude. You alright? No, I mean I feel fine. I just skidded my knee up real bad twice. I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. I couldn't hit those bouncers and I couldn't hit that jackass Randy. And then I lost my sword.

Oh, do I get to add a knife? I had a feeling that old cuss would fall into a bad crowd, and given that this is the 90s and gang violence, it was all but inevitable. You know, what the hell's wrong with those guys? You know, they wanted to kill us, but I mean, we literally killed them dead. I mean, you saw what happened to fucking Barry. I think his eternal soul was wiped out by some kind of Eldritch God. I mean, they started it. They did, but... Is it gonna be true?

One of the seven palimpery now seems as the fall of Newman.

I need you each to roll a D4. I'm fixated on the ore that's left behind. I need you each to roll a D4 and a D6. That's the number of tokens that you get and the number of tickets that you get. Nice! I got four tickets and five tokens. D4? Three tokens. I got one of each. Wait, which one's the D4 and which one's the D6? D4 is tokens. Wait, did my negative one roll still? No, no, only the D4. And again, the drunk effects last about an hour until the DM says you're good to go. D4 tokens. Yep.

One, two, three, four. I got a three and a six. Not bad. That's how many you take. Additionally, Randy's Digimon remain. Barry's LED Heelys remain. The Motorola Razor was destroyed. And you find a stick of Old Spice where the body of Newton was. I'm going to pick up his Digimon, and I'm going to say,

Digimon? What a loser. I'm gonna pull up my Tamagotchi and I'll stick them both back in my brain. Yeah, Digimon fucking sucks. Yeah, it's amazing. You heard me chat, it fucking sucks. And it doesn't make any sense. You all level up. Whoa! Yeah! And I believe that that means we can apply classes finally. Hooray! Yay!

Yay! I should have done this so many hours ago. So Nikki, what you'll get to do is just pick two more additional spells. Yay! Because you already have your class and you're all basically good to go. You just get to add two more spells to your features. Can you hand this to Richie? What you guys will already know is the class adjustments are already reflected in your stats on your new character sheet. Can you hand this to Richie?

And do you have your rolls? Well, no, so if we're officially leveling up, we can do rolls, but I was gonna treat this as... Oh, it's not a level up, it's a class upgrade. Yeah, you just, you're gonna get a significant power increase because of the way that you're leveling up anyway. I see, I see. But you'll each get to choose three spells as your features. You already have your exploding dice feature, you'll notice that on your second page. Yes.

But you'll get to pick an additional feat, so look at your second page. Let's start with you, actually. Let's start with you, actually. Read your class, read your little adjustments, and then look through your features. My class is the Rocksteady. My abilities are +2 Strength, which you did for me already. Yeah, so it should already be calculated in your Strength, I'm pretty sure. Is 18 +3 or +4? It should be +3. +3, got it. Yep. That's the max.

Then I will do... Then it's plus one toughness, which I got. Yep. And I'm up to a plus one on toughness, which is great. Minus one presence, so it's real bad still, which brings me down to a six presence, which is minus two. Oh, no, it should be even lower than that because I'm at six currently. So I'm going to make this a five. That's going to be a minus three, right? No. Maybe not. No. Okay. Four and three are the lowest. Got it.

And then minus one mana, which is a new stat that I have.

So my mana is an eight. I got Demo Expert, which is your dice explode, which was a feat that I had. You already had that, so it's just part of your features of your class. Got it. Iron Liver, my toughness is increased by plus one. You can choose another one of any of those. Oh, I can choose another one of these? Yep, you have to choose one. Oh, sweet. Some of them have effects that if you pick more than once, they get better. So 14 does not get me to plus two, does it? I don't think so. I'll check this. I'm checking. I'm checking. I don't think so.

Then I can choose beer belch when in melee range, belch to stagger an opponent. Reduce the DR to hit them by minus two for the combat. Cannot use again until you consume a large amount of alcohol. And then Fists of Fury, your unarmed attacks deal 2d4 and I cannot fumble them, which is basically Gary's... Yes, and so what I did was I shuffled these around. So Gary doesn't have Fists of Fury anymore because he has Magic.

So I added Fist of Fury to your class because I felt like it was more appropriate. Would my knuckles add to this? Or was that a separate weapon? My brass knuckles? You know, I think it can add to it. Why not? Okay. Why not? All right. All right. We're probably not playing this campaign for a while, so why not? I will consider Beard, Belt, and Fist of Fury. Yeah, figure it out. Gary, why don't you tell us a little bit about your class?

I'm a Pizzball Wizard! That's how it says? I'm sorry. Pizzball Wizard. I'll stare at his orb. I'll say, "You know, Andy, ever since I was a young boy, I played the silver ball." Oh, yeah? "Fall 7, made by Noldor, in Eldamar during the Year of the Trees." What?

You've never told me about this before, ever! Why is this coming up now? From Amon Sul to Elosterion, I used to play them all. Did you get hit in the head? You're not making much sense, dude. Your cloak's slipping a little too. The orb calls to me. Okay. Dude, your belt's falling off. Man, you're a mess. I'm gonna fix you up here, buddy. Whoa! What the hell was that? And his mouth is moving, so I think he's just making sounds.

Ah, keep that thing away from me, it's unsettling. Um, I think I can cast a spell or something. Yeah, you get to pick three spells. Oh, I get to pick three? Yeah. Whoa. So both you and Nikki both should have three spells to choose from. You're gonna have to roll a d2 and add your mana to see how many spells you can cast today. Oh, d2. D2 plus mana spells for the day. Uh, okay, one plus mana. Your modifier, obviously. Uh, plus two, so three spells for the day. Yep. Three spells for the day.

I think I'm selecting... I think I'm selecting AoE Heal, Bolt, and Lightning Storm. Love it. That's it. Awesome. Now what? Guys, I think I think he went Fizzball Wizard accidentally. What does that mean, Gary? I feel like suddenly I can use Barry's orb. I feel like perhaps his accursed soul is trapped within. Whoa, what do you mean? Did you like absorb his power or something?

I feel like I've absorbed his power. It is! I am in here. God dang it! I thought a Runeluvitar blew you all away! What the hell?! I'm stuck in my orb until I regenerate and return. Dang it! Barry! I thought I would have to deal with you ever again after encountering a Runeluvitar. That's why I gave you my orb. It was my secret to immortality. Well, how could I learn such secrets? You don't have an orb? Well, I just took your orb, you big bitch. You're a big bitch. This is my orb now. All right.

Yeah, okay. You stay dead in there. You stay dead in there. I'm staying, Gary. Don't make me call Grima Wartug on you. Oh, shit. Are you feeling all right, Gary?

He got levitating and talking to himself. I don't know what's going on, Knuckles. I'm concerned. I'm a little worried about him. You know, I was concerned when you was talking about spit-roasting the fucking pig. Oh, we sure didn't spit-roast that pig. Why do you have to put it like that? We sure all gathered, we triple-teamed, all spread our legs apart, almost swarming the ice tower, and we spit-roasted that pig.

Dude, that's Knuckles' like childhood friend, man. Like... Yeah, I mean... Well... I don't know what else to say! Poor Tusks. All I know is that in Minecraft we just turned that fucker into a porkchop. What the hell is Minecraft? You know, look, he started it. Is all I'm gonna say. It was self-defense, right? You're not ready for it, but your kids are gonna love it. That's very funny. Well, I mean, we have a bunch more tokens now. And we got all these from our hype train earlier. Oh shit, yeah!

Finally, I'll find a hot golf honey playing Street Fighter 2! I look for a hot golf honey playing Street Fighter 2. Make a presence test. Uh, I'm gonna use all of my tokens to like win or something. Presence. Ooh, a 12? A 12. Uh, you don't see any of the game or the women that you're looking for, but you do look down the lane and you see Andy Smolkaton.

It is wedged, having stuck itself directly into the counter of the ticket prize area, where the prizes are normally collected for accumulated tickets. It has landed within almost this shimmering dome of protection. Even in this red light emergency lockdown state of the local cheese, you can see it glimmering there. It is there. Andy Scalper.

Must be pulled from the toolkit machine. Oh, I just remembered, Knuckles, we left the game running. We're out of time. No, hold on, hold on, hold on. And I want to run to the cabinet to see if our game is still there or if we timed out because of the fight.

You are shocked to find that you have seconds remaining. Oh my god! Hurry, Andy! Come on, come on, come on! We're rebuilding! We're rebuilding! My left arm's not as good as it was! We try to finish up our game of Rampage. You are not, unfortunately, able to progress into the next screen. There was just too little time for you to get the points necessary in order to proceed. But you feel good that you were able to at least enjoy some of the Rampage 2 action.

Cool. So this is not a ticket generating game. This is just more for fun. Alright, no. This is not a ticket generating game. This is an arcade cat. Everyone add four tokens to your inventory. Let's go. And then we have a spare two if you want to have a communal... I have ten tokens. Oh, hold on. Oh, I gotta transfer everything over. You know, I think this is like the most... Yeah, the only thing I didn't know was your tokens and tickets. I had no way. I had none of either.

Um, I think this is the most tokens I've ever had and I can't even buy a damn beer. Well, there's gotta be some way. Maybe we can pay some folks off, you know? Wait, hold on! Only... I just don't understand how you guys are like handling this so well. We just killed people! Yeah, I mean this is sort of like an every Friday night sort of thing. Yeah, every Friday! You don't, you don't, you don't kill people every Friday night. Kind of a tradition, you know? You just tell the cops it was self-defense and they think the other way.

I feel inexplicably changed. People are walking by during the fight and just sort of being like... And like my soul, I feel different. You never forget your first, frankly. No. I mean, once you killed somebody. Yeah. There's no going back. Can I tell you a secret about me? Like, can we share? Yeah. I mean, I'd rather you didn't, but that's fine. You can. I liked it.

Oh. Oh yeah, of course, everybody likes killing. It's pretty fun. I mean, duh! It's a little shocking the first time it happens, but then you start to get a taste for it. Well, you gotta think about how every video game ever made almost is about killing shit. Yeah! It's about literally, I mean, there's nothing but, it's objectively true that you find joy watching the life and the light leaving someone's eyes. Well, and, you know, my animal instincts say that I gotta kill. You know, because like, the thing is that like, I'm 12 inches tall.

And I just took down that guy that was like your size. Yeah, I mean, you kicked ass. We could have done that without you. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. You were saying about Louis Vuitton. Oh, Louis? Louis? Louis Vuitton? What about him? I don't know. You were saying something about him. Oh, was I? Like, can we go there and get more beer? You said Louis Vuitton like eight times, dude. Whoa. I must have been possessed by the power of the old. Oh, can I have those Heelys? Yeah.

Oh yeah, I mean, he's dead, so he don't need them. He don't need these wheelies anymore. Nobody else wants them? They're like super fashionable and really in right now. No, well, they're all yours. Well, I'm more of a rollerblade guy, so... Are they gonna fit on your feet? I mean, no offense, but they kind of shaped Mary permanently like that. I have to always wear heels, and it's a really judgy subject for me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just wanted to wear heelies. I just wanted to wear heelies.

Yeah, she does it. Gag, gag, gag, gag, gag. But honestly, like, to be fair, I think my feet will be fine. Um, I have the skateboard. Does anyone want it? Uh, I gotta find my katana. Oh, I'll take the skateboard. Tiffany, you, uh, are conveying the, uh, access to the

skateboard and you put your first foot into the human-sized Heely, or the doll-sized Heely. Yeah. And it forms perfectly, shrinking into accessory size. A Cinderella-style grappling onto your foot. It's like a perfect fit. Yeah. Yeah, it's still a heel, but it has a ball. You now have the ability to move a rollerblade Heely-style anywhere you want. These are like the greatest thing that I have ever owned. Not the skateboard,

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you were mine. No, it's all yours. And you can keep that murder weapon. I mean that knife. That knife. Now that your fingerprints are all over it instead of mine. I feel like I need some kind of spoils of war. You know what I mean? But in my rhino rage, I destroyed his motor oil razor. Oh, yeah. What is this?

Oh nothing, I'm just like showing you how cool my blade is. It's covered in blood. Oh, jeez. No, yeah, I mean you killed that guy. You killed Randy. I'm gonna flip it around. Yeah. You're not gonna kill me, are you? I know we just met. No. Of course I wouldn't. Why would I ever do that? Alright, just making sure. Your accent is really fucking with me because I keep wanting to go Peggy. You know? Yeah. I'm like, I'm really wanting to go Peggy. I know. Can I say? Are you still using that skateboard? Can I have the skateboard?

trade you a knife to kill guy for a skateboard? I mean, if you want to come get it. Yeah, okay, cool. Sounds good. Thanks. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm just gonna grab the skateboard. Gary, can we talk about something really quickly? I mean, I'm really thinking about how cool it would be to have a skateboard right now. It'd be really cool to have a skateboard. We will talk about that.

I just want to say thank you for what you did back there. Oh, of course you're welcome. I don't think I would have discovered who I was meant to be. No. My true profession. Because I've been searching since like 1960-something. Well, good, good. I mean, yeah, about all the hills and the pretty hills and the werewolves and all that stuff. So, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can be friends now. Oh, that's so nice, Tiffany. And I'll just take this for now. Even in public. Okay. Well, thank you, Tiffany. I'm so glad that I helped you develop your taste for killing.

And now I'll just grab that skateboard. Just do it, just do it. Let me just scoot off badly and grab that thing and I'll skateboard real quick. Fellas, what do you think gals are doing right now? I don't know, but we gotta pick up the pace here. I mean, if they're torturing them, we're wasting time. No, I mean, are you kidding me? I bet the priestess isn't even giving us humble yet. We got plenty of time.

That's true! Oh, you think he's stuck in a mess? Oh, yeah, where else would he go? I mean, that's how they would start to really break him down, you know? Guys, look at me! I'm skating on a skateboard! And I have my skate, my roller blades, on the skateboard. That's impossible. I'm like Pauly Kite! You're gonna break a leg? My hero, Pauly Kite, I can finally emulate him. Pauly... Is this a reference I'm not getting? Pauly Kite. Yeah. Pauly Kite is my favorite. I also love playing Pauly Kite.

Pro skater. Tony Hawk? That's- that's- that's a wild one. I don't know about that one. You all- you all watch as Gary bursts into flames. *Garry and Ethan scream*

All right, look, we gotta save Gal. We know that he's in the roof somewhere, and we know that the Catholic Church has him. All right, with those two clues, maybe we can win tickets, and just like last time, we get a big buster sword, and we'll put some material in it, and it'll somehow save the day. Ah!

I don't know, man. I bet you they've changed everything. There's no way the prize counter is even the same anymore, man. Well, let's go take a look. Where the hell is my sword? I mean, like, do we even know if the prize counter is even open right now? I mean, we're in lockdown. No, but Derry pointed it out and my sword is in the prize counter. I don't even know. Only he who has a crippling depression and alcoholism may pull the sword. I immediately brought the sword.

You race forward and you run into the same ticket owner, the ticket master, Lenny, who you recognized from last week. He is still wearing a...

thick, black turtleneck. His face is very, very pale, as pale as the figure of death from the Seventh Seal, if you've ever seen that film. - What in the hell? - And he-- - Oh yeah, I actually know what you're talking about! - He's got these dark bags under his eyes and he just sort of turns-- - I profess to look at my-- - In one motion and looks at you.

Hello, Andy. I don't look at him. I immediately go to where the sword is. It's lodged in a cabinet? It is lodged into the actual ticket table behind the barrier that essentially separates people. It's essentially fallen into the prize counter area. I'm looking past him and I just say, Hey, Lenny. And I'm like, I'm very intently looking at the... I gotta get my sword, man. Hey, Lenny. Good to see you. How's Jimmy doing? Hello, Knuckles. You still good? Jimmy is fine.

You know, I'm trying to catch a show, but... Your friend Andy's sword fell into my ticket prize area. It's right over there. I need it. Can I get it? Let me just go back there and grab it. I can't give it to you right away. I need to... It is part of the rules of the ticket counter that I give only things for tokens. For tickets. No, no, no, no. It's mine. It's right there. I just gotta grab it. I know, but it flew into my ticket prize area. Well, I'm... For tokens.

Uh, we got four tokens from the twist. Oh, okay. I just want to make sure I put it in the right spot. I mean, but... So, okay. But you know it's mine. It flew back there by accident. I'll give you one ticket for it. I can part with it for one ticket. I will also give you these plastic vampire teeth. I don't want the vampire teeth. No, no. Fine, I'll take the teeth as well. These are the rules of the ticket counter. One ticket. I get both?

And he- yes, exactly correct. Done! And I rip a ticket off of my roll of four, and I give him one, and I- He hands you the plastic teeth, uh, as part of the exchange, and gives you back your sword, and you have your Maul Katana back. You know, thank you, but also, kind of a dick move, man, and I'm just holding these vampire teeth, and I kind of sheath my sword back. The prize counter demands that you exchange things for tickets. I had to give you something. Okay. Whatever, man. Who wants these?

You earned him, and I give him to Tiffany. You know, word is around the local cheese that your friend is being tortured by the Catholic Church. Goddammit, I knew it! What? Where is he? They're torturing him?! Yes, he's up on the roof right now. The roof? How do we get up on the roof? Well, you're going to have to go and reach the elevator, and there will almost certainly be a considerable amount of side-scroller combat. They almost certainly have a full 17th century Italian Renaissance torturing kit.

It's the only way that lockdown will end. It's when the end of his life arrives. What?! It's the local cheese way. That's never been this way! Well, they're going corporate now. Who's making all these changes? The corporation, the local cheese. And also Reggie is out of control. Reggie! I knew he was behind all this. He never liked Gal. He never really liked any of us, but he especially hated Gal.

Jesus. Oh.

I have the uh, the aluminum bat. That's very effective. That worked out for me well last week. No, yeah, no, that didn't. Yeah, last week was pretty crazy. Remember when I died last week? Can I interest you in this set of metal shurikens? What? You guys sell shurikens? Yes. How much is that? The metal shurikens are 40 tickets. Jeez Louise, I don't think we're close. I don't think we're close. I have, uh, I have...

I have five. You have five tickets, I can offer you the sticky buzzer hand. No. Dammit. What else you got? Let's see, I've got the plastic vampire teeth. That's one ticket. Not that I can afford, like what's the coolest shit you have? Like the most tickets. Oh, well we do have a laser sword for 9,999 tickets.

Ugh, there's no way. Laser sword? Galad is gonna be long tortured and dead by the time we get 9,999 tickets. Yeah, there's definitely no way. We also have this virtual ping pong game. You can hook it up to your television and play virtual ping pong. You told us last week that that thing looked like it was cheap crap! Yes, it is cheap crap. It costs 250 tickets. That's a scam, man! Do you still have the, um, sample pack? Oh, yes, the local cheese mystery beer box six-pack.

Yeah. Yes. How many? That's 9, uh, 999 tickets. Oh! Um, do you have Knights of the Round? Knights of the Round? Let me check. Yes. Yes. Whoa! How many tickets is that?! I think we might have it. We'll take that one, please. Uh, that's 500 tickets.

Dang it! Only 500 tickets for Knights of the Red? I mean, that's not- that's actually not that bad! No, if we can get that, we'll buy ourselves 15 minutes to save Gale! I had to breed a gold Chocobo in order to achieve it. Wow, you're kind of a pervert, huh? That's just the nature of the game.

Okay, new plan. Where's this elevator? Oh, it's on the other side of the arcade floor. It's just this way. You should probably hurry. What was your name again? My name is Lenny. I've known you for many years, Gary. Oh yeah, Lenny. You know Lenny. Yeah, you're always like trying to play chess. Yes. I don't understand that. Would you like to play a game of chess with me? Maybe not for a while.

We gotta go! I mean, I feel like after that fight I could kill a guy in a single fucking punch! Alright, I'm right behind you. And I draw my katana, and I look to see if I can see where the elevator might be based on where you pointed. Uh, you, uh, make a presence check. Ah, that's gonna end poorly. Just kidding, I got 15.

Uh, 15. You look and you realize that the elevator is not just visible, but, uh, it's self-evident. Uh, it's remarkable that you didn't see it this entire time. The spotlights flowing along the walls. This is, uh, uh, like the final challenge in, uh, one of the Ninja Warrior, uh,

television show episode where you see this scaffolding going all the way up, all of these lights flaring in all directions and you see this massive elevator with all of these floating drones and helicopters all leading up towards the roof directly opposite of you on the arcade floor. I point it out and I turn to Knuckles and I say, alright man, I'm with you. We're gonna save Galileo. Let's do this. We're gonna do it together! Alright, does everybody in? I

Hands in here we go. I'm in! The Bishop of Rome's not gonna see this coming. On the count of three. One, two, three. Forgotten! And that's what will end today's session. I stare off towards the prize counter and I say, "Andy, I see them Andy. I see them."

Over there against the stormy sky, there they all are. The bouncer and Randy, the streamer, fairy, mutant, and tusks. And the strict master Lenny bids them dance. He wants them to hold hand and to tread the dance in a long line. And in the head goes the strict master with the scythe and the hourglass. But the wizard brings up the rear with his orb.

They move away from the dawn in a solemn dance, away towards the dark lands while the rain cleanses their cheeks of the salt from their bitter tears. Gary, why are you always saying weird shit? Oh, sorry, I'm pretty fucking drunk. And that's where we're at tonight's session. Well done. Oh, thanks for running that down. Give it up for Nikki. Thank you, Derek. Jumping in, not knowing what's going on, playing a hell of a game, being an all-star.

Oh man. Well done. Well done. That was fun. That was a lot of fun. Thanks for playing. Thanks for running the session, Derek. Yeah, thank you, Derek. That was great. Thanks for building the entire game, Andy.

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