Cuttlefish Sweepstakes Ep. 1 | Squid Game in D&D!
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to beautiful Goodberry Square for the 43rd Grand Fling-Flel Prime Material Playing Championship, brought to you by Everwood's Emporium. I'm Tank Hammerfall, and joining me as always is the one and only Verit Day. Hello there.

Before we begin, let's take a moment to recap the astounding journey of the Mighty Trunks, who won the 42nd championship just four short years ago. Verit, what a series of games we witnessed. It was like watching a herd of elephants waltzing through a field of flaming tulips.

You betcha. In game one, the trunks faced off against the kobold flame skulls, immediately dominating the field 4-0. Coach Eggman really had them working like a well-oiled machine from day one. Like trying to fit a square peg into a circular maze. You ever try that, Tank? No. In game two, they went out...

against the halfling crawling quads, finishing 4-1. The trunks were proving they weren't just stomping around, they had some finesse too. Finesse, like trying to catch a live fish with a greasy spaghetti strainer. And game three against the dire wolves was a real nail biter. The trunks clinched it 4-3, showing determination in the face of fierce opposition.

You know, Tank, it's like when you try to peel an orange and suddenly you're juggling pineapple. That's how unpredictable it was.

Well put, Derek. And finally, in game four against the former champions, the Bloodhawks, the Mighty Trunks sealed the deal with a 4-2 victory. It was an impressive display of teamwork and strategy. Teamwork like synchronized swimming with walruses. You don't see that every day, Tank. Not even on Tuesdays. You know, it was later revealed that the Bloodhawks were a sinister cult of elves attempting to use their wishes in service of their Dark Lord.

Indeed, Barrett. Though I don't think that was conveyed very successfully at the time. That's true. You didn't roast it yourself. They learned! You gotta be able to laugh at yourself, folks. But here's the kicker. Instead of...

each member of the Mighty Trunks was granted a wish by a powerful djinn after the victory, which begs the question, where are the Mighty Trunks now? Word on the street is that B. Yates, the Zerg, died tragically two days after founding the now-famous Budweiser Beer Brewing Company by jumping into a volcano after mistakenly assuming that a magical ring of lava breathing would protect him from the intense heat.

Just incredible. And what of Gina Isabella Martini Dominus Frati Riccioli Day? Unclear. We were married for a few months, but she no longer returns my shell phone calls.

Forgive me, I had no idea. It is what it is. Little is known about the whereabouts of Amelia Toodle's laps field either. Though there are rumors that she went mad after reading a book that foretold her own death. What we do know, of course, is that Louise Trunkwell is now one of the nobles of Galtica having married into the extremely wealthy Everwood family. I understand they'll be attending the games this week.

Incredible. What can you tell us about Babar B. Babar, one of the mighty Trump's front men? Currently serving life in prison for aggravated criminal damage.

drug trafficking, drug possession, fraud and financial crimes, public intoxication, kidnapping, and second-degree murder. Unreal. And of course it goes without saying that Ravioli Gazpacho would go on as owner of the absolutely prolific Gazpacho restaurant franchise, many of which can be found right here in Galtica.

I love that lampredotto, it's so moist. Gazpacho's really does offer quality food, home cooking, and choices like salads, wonderful hot appetizers, tantalizing combination platters, and a variety of distinctive dishes served right to your table.

They hold to tradition, yet tinged with the times. And Coach Eggerman? Retired, living happily with his wife and daughter. Well, there you have it, folks. The Mighty Trunks against all odds triumphed in the 42nd Grand Prime Material Plane Fling-Flel Championship. What a spectacle it was.

You can't make this stuff up, Dink. It's like trying to do spaghetti. I don't think anyone could have said it better, Verit. Stay tuned, folks. Wherever they may be, the Mighty Trunks have certainly missed the 43rd Grand Fleet Flow Prime Material Land Championship, brought to you by Everwood's Emporium. Our first game today is the Gith Aberrant Mind Weevils versus the Gith Abhorrent Spined Devils, which will sure be a confusing time for all. LAUGHTER

Regardless, as soon as you hear the king's whistle, things are going to be decided very quickly here in beautiful Goodberry Square. Thanks for watching. Well done. That was incredible. That was incredible! That was just better than we ever could have expected. What the hell?

Oh man, I missed this. Oh, holy shit. Holy shit is right. I don't really know what I expected, but I'm impressed. Can we cue up the gazpacho theme song? You'll have to find whatever Beneath Darkwing episode that is. It's been a hard few weeks. Well, months. Well, years.

You all find yourselves in the confines of Galtica State Penitentiary, a sprawling fortress perched on a small rocky island just off the coast of the city of Galtica. Drab, gray walls rise high all around you. The prison yard where you now stand is a desolate expanse enclosed by towering guard towers, each manned by powerful sentries capable of quelling any hint of escape.

In this prison, the inmates are a diverse array of magical creatures and the security precautions are as fantastical as the beings it confines. Each of you wears a heavy cloth uniform featuring horizontal stripes of orange and white. It's somehow still as dull as the fortifications that surround you. The distant clanging of doors and muted conversations underscore the isolation of this formidable institution.

Today, the yard has been transformed into a makeshift arena. The score is tied 3-3. You are not mere spectators. Rather, you are players not just serving your various criminal sentences, but serving up the ringer in this final round against another team of inmates.

Though not as grand as the championship occurring on the coast only a few miles from here now, you are still drenched with sweat from exertion trying to earn bragging rights for the month, as well as the handful of gambles you've made. For these next few moments, the walls and bars disappear, and all you can focus on is the game. I need everyone to roll for initiative. - Oh! - Oh, that's fun, Tango.

And because I only have one combat playlist, we're gonna be listening to Ice Bounce. Surprisingly effective. Yeah, okay. I'm into it. Um...

When your turn starts for this round, I'd like to hear a little bit about you. I'd like to learn your name. I'd like to hear sort of what you look like. I would like to also understand for what you've been put in prison for. Maybe you've been here for a while, maybe only a short time. Maybe a small crime or a large crime. But I'd like to understand exactly what has incarcerated you.

That is the prompt that we will be thrust upon you as soon as we figure out in what order. So, 20 to 30. We're not very fast. I'm not very fast, I should say. 15 to 20. 15. Walrus is up. 14. 14 for Felpip. 13 for Babar. 10 to 15? Seven. Seven for... Seven also? You may go first.

Okay. And the way I'm gonna do this is I'm literally just gonna... This is gonna be this, and this, and then... Nice. Rock and roll. Walrus. The walrus! We need to also configure ourselves in the actual game space here, so just let me swing by here and put my boys into their own configuration.

And you'll have to put yourselves in a configuration. Typically there's a line behind which you would normally need to... I don't remember the rules of flicks. I will happily explain them. We need some goaltenders. We need several goaltenders. As a fairy, I think. Because the ball can enter from any of the nine squares that surround it. I'll be in the very front as the goalie.

This is the goal. Yeah, that's the bell tower. The blue is the whole thing. If you remember from four and a half years ago. So it's good to crowd around, and then usually you have some front men who race forward and try to take, like the hard hitters are the ones who try to hit the ball forward as opposed to the defensive ones. When the ball comes at you, you can make a dexterity saving throw to try to dodge out of the way, but you can also choose to get hit by it, taking a certain amount of damage. Are you a sorcerer too? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Is this good? Yeah, this is Rengar's login. It's great. Let's get the camera over here. I should've set up a... You know your law. You know your law. I do. As long as we have enough of a deflection so we don't get fucking smoked right out of the gate here. So just so the folks at home... I just don't really know how to play. This is Glitzy the Bang Sparks. This is Felpip.

This is Jean-Claude Elefante. This is Babar B. Babar, and this is the walrus. Thank you.

You can attempt to hit the ball, though, too. Yes. Okay. So, the ball has something that I call momentum points, Mace. And so when you hit it, you add how much damage you do to the ball, and that's how many squares or five feet increments it's going to fly forward. And it can bounce, you can choose whether you're sending it left or right or straight.

and try to ricochet it into the target, which is the blue circle there on the battle map. And if you hit it, then you win the game. Because right now it's tied 3-3, so we're only doing one round of this for the sakes of funsies. That being said,

If it's coming at you, you can use your reaction to try and hit it, and its AC is equal to its current momentum. So if it was coming at you with 15, then you'd be able to try and hit it, and its AC would be 15, and you could maybe smack it away, adding to its existing momentum. And if it hits you, or you let it hit you, it does half of its momentum in non-lethal bludgeoning damage.

I'm sure there's some more that I'm forgetting, but those are the basics. I used to, in the original chapters of Mighty Trunks, I had an idea that there was going to be this pitch paddle that you could try to use to knock people down, but you guys never used it because you didn't want to, and so that doesn't exist in perhaps this prison game. Any questions? I'm sure we'll all have questions. You'll pick it up as we play. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if we decide that we are enjoying ourselves, we don't have to end it in one round, or it could just end short. Walrus, top of the round. What do you look like, why are you in prison, and what is your name? Well, I'm the Walrus. And...

I was thrown in jail for various walrus-related crimes. Most notably...

Attempting to free various walrus and penguins and dolphins and beluga and other walrus-related animals from this Galchigan Zoo. I didn't get very far. Because my lair is under the arctic-themed putt-putt golf course. We had a business 20 years ago.

It's very difficult to get a beluga down the street. So I'm a winter eladrin, a very large rotund man with a great big bushy white beard and mustache. Great big bushy beard. Normally he'd be wearing these sort of sorcerer-looking robes, but instead he's in his prison garb. Yep. They do humor him and they let him basically tie around his...

had these dangling walrus tusks as a way to keep him, you know. It's a way to give him some enrichment in prison. And he is a sorcerer with kind of arctic and cold powers. And anything else that I'm missing?

Nope, while you're in prison, what you look like, sort of a bit about who you are. And you just go by the walrus? You don't have a fuller, like, walrus smith, or? Well, he goes by the walrus, but he tries not to tell people his actual name. Great. I hit the ball, what do I do here? I hit the ball! You have to make it to the ball, and then you can hit it. Its current HC is a resting eight. So if I hit it here or here,

Will that determine... The angle. So it'll bounce this way. That's correct. From your position, you would be able to hit it. It's a very good angle, actually. Yeah, you could hit it this way, you could hit it straight, you could hit it that way. I'm gonna hit it from that direction right there. I fucking love that. They've got two defenders, we can just smash this baby home. All right, so it's an attack roll? It is an attack roll.

Oh no. You have to have a plus one. Plus what? It's only eight. You only have to get eight. Yeah, you go. But do I get a plus at all? Yeah, why not? Is it not just based on... We used to have to determine what attack we were using. So like if you were using fireball or... No, we have paddles, right? Yeah. I'm going to say that you have, all of you, something to hit the...

I have a maul. Yeah. Just use your base weapon. I remember us using attack abilities. You can use spells. Otherwise you would just be on our right weapon down and this would be very... Just use a pan trip. 15. If I'm using my spell modifier. Roll for damage. And they do 1d10, I think if I remember correctly. Someone go to Patreon and pull up the Fleen Flow. That's right, you can find the rules on Patreon. That looks big, but I can't tell.

Nine points of damage. Nine points of damage, making its momentum 17 now. So now we're gonna count down how many squares it's gonna go. 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. Okay, at AC 10, what letter is that? S. S. Silas is gonna use their reaction to attempt to hit it. And they are absolutely going to smack it back with, how much damage am I doing here?

That's gonna be this much. They're gonna hit it back with 12 points. That's 22. That gets us up to 22. Which direction? And they are going to send it... Right back or a different direction? They're gonna send it northwest.

21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16. We get a ricochet, roll a d8. That's right, I will do that. Oh, Andy remembers. Thank God somebody does. Five. It's gonna go south. 1d10 confirmed, thank you, Sal. 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. Kay has an opportunity. They're gonna see that it's coming to rest and let it come to a close. 10. Just gonna let it pass them. Nine, eight, seven, six. I think we stop at eight because it's not resting eight.

Eat.

That's how we did this. I don't remember. That's okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Oh, d10 for the goalie, d6 for everybody else for damage. Thank you, sir. There you go. Thank you. He's got the PDF up right now. Are they getting it right? Nah, we're not. That means it's actually Silas' turn, and seeing that the ball is where it is, Silas is simply going to walk to the middle of the board as many squares forward as possible towards Walrus. How much is moving? 30 feet.

The walrus! Yeah, perfect. That'll be the conclusion of their turn, which brings us to, oh. Another monsters. Do I have more monsters than I should have? One, two, three, four. Swap Felpip and monsters, and then swap Bedbar and monsters. Yeah. This is the problem. Yeah, okay. Felpip.

Felpip, you're up. Well, honestly, I was put in here. I'm innocent. They didn't have enough evidence, but the jury was really bad. A bunch of young people were going missing, going into the woods, hearing voices, whispers of some great beast that stalks the wilderness.

And, you know, they may have committed horrible ritual sacrifices, murdering each other, and taking their various organs and body parts to assemble the great Dark Lord and bring his great true form in a dark rain. And I was accused of leading some sort of terrible blood cult and corrupting the youth.

Which is terribly untrue, terrible tragedy. With music to my ears, I mean, just, oh, the youth, poor the youth. I'm a little satyr, I got them, you know, I look like a black goat satyr, I'm like four feet tall. And it's just a terrible tragedy, I'm just a nice guy. Just a nice guy who, you know, I felt like did nothing wrong.

Oh boy, start doing this. So what do I-- so I-- if it's over here, I can't really do anything, right? Not unless you want to hit it with a magical effect. Obviously there would be some sort of muting magic in this space, but because I want you to feel like a powerful hero at the same time, feel free to use your spells and whatnot.

You know, I, uh... This is an observed game. There are a lot of, uh... Don't be afraid to take a defensive position as well. But within the confines of the arena, anything goes. As long as we have enough defenders on the old bell. Can I hit it with spells? Attack the enemy? Like...

Non-lethal damage only. We're already in prison. That's right. What's one more rep? I mean... Add it to the sheet! That's not his character, that's his mace. Throw it on my tab. I already got life in prison! Put him in the ground! I'll try to trot up, like, oh, I can't believe I had to... Oh, he's a big bad criminal. Oh, this is a terrible tragedy. And...

As I trot up, this horrible blight will grow all over me as wicker and gnarled branches will cover me as I use my Spore Druid Wild Shape.

and my eyes will suddenly turn like a pitch black, and you'll hear . And then Earth trembles underneath them. And these horrible grasping branches as you'll hear the wailing tortured souls of young people. Please tell me to kill my friends. He's erupting Earth right here.

A 20-foot cube. With that you can basically hit the ball any direction you want, I'd say. So pick a direction and see how much damage you do. I want to send it this way. I fucking love that. Is that possible? Yeah. It's a dex 15. Because it's an area of effect, I'm going to do a scatter die. I love that. That's fine. Roll a d8 for me. Shevin. Oh, Shevin. That's west.

So I should roll for damage. No. Nine, seventeen... Jesus. Twenty-one points of bludgeoning damage. So that's twenty-nine. Holy shit. If it fails. Total, right? And then also to all of these guys here. Let me also keep track of these fuckers. Jeez! Health points. Who did you hit? K and L. K, yeah. And B. And B. Does it a B as well? It's fancy. It's four squares. One, two, three, four. K, L, and B. K, L, and B, yeah. Okay, that's Kai, Luna, and Bane.

What terrible ritual sacrificed them? All take 21 points of damage? Just straight out of the gate? Dexterity saving throw. Jesus. Alright, that's a fail. DC is a 15. That's a fail. And that's a fail. All three fail, so 21, yeah. It's difficult terrain until it's clear. Does the ball fail? It would fail automatically. It's not making a dexterity saving throw. 29.

It now goes to 29. That's right. It's going west. Yeah. That's a lot of momentum. Yep. 28, 27. Yep. Bounces straight back? Bounces straight back. 26, 25 to L. Okay. Dexterity on saving throw. They mathematically cannot succeed. Okay.

Thank you, Andy. No problem. And so, which one is getting struck? L. L gets struck by the ball. 25. They take half of 21. Oh, 20, 10, eight, seven, six, 25. 25 is fundamental. Oh, so 12. They can't use their reaction to try and hit it? Oh, that's interesting. Let's try that. Thank you. You're welcome.

Natural one. It was mine too. So close. What's the momentum? 25. 25, and so they take... 12 points of damage. 12. And then does it scatter? Yes, and then it scatters. I will roll a scatter die. It's a one. Does it lose half the momentum or does it maintain the momentum? They just take the damage.

It loses one momentum. So that's 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17. Scattered Eye? Six. That works. 20, 19, 18, 17, 16k. He'll try to hit it. I think K already is here. Oh no, Silas. Yeah, first of all, Luna's unconscious. So should I just remove the body from the...

Yeah, I mean, it's not gonna matter. Yeah, the guards drag you off of them. Oh, what a-- oh no, be more careful. 16 to K. 16 to K. Oh, just hits. The janitors really shouldn't-- So damage is gonna be-- You don't want to use their reaction?

I'm using Kay's reaction to hit the ball. And they hit. And so now they are doing 12 points of bludgeoning damage. Which direction would you like to go? Shit, that is tough. I think he just sends it straight north. Okay. 26, 25, 24. It breaks this and shatters. I need a d8 roll. Probably going to make it go right now. Another one. 24, 24.

23, 22, 21, 20, 19. It's passing you, Walrus. For those of you who are just watching this insanity, yeah, this is how a flink wall works. Oh, I presumably 17 plus eight. Yeah, I crush it. I only have a d6 because I'm not the goalie. 19, 19, 19. Six points of damage. Six points of damage. That's two down to five.

So we're back to 25 and you can send it. Yeah, which direction would you like to send it? I want to send it into Silas. 25, 25, 25. Oh, this is Silas! 24 at Silas. I believe still has there. 23, I'm sorry.

23. Does Silas still have the reaction? Oh my god. Yes. Where was Silas? He took a reaction, but it was on Walrus's turn, and then it was his turn, so he has a reaction. Nice. 23 is the AC. DM Nikki. Nice job, Nikki. Hits? That's gonna be... Jesus. 10. 33. Uh-oh. Which directions he's setting it?

Straight back. North or back to? Northwest. Northwest, okay. So that's gonna be 32. Oh my god. Pardon my reach. 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24. I'm gonna use my reaction to try and hit it. This music is very epic. That's a 17. Plus 8. Oh, that's gotta be good. Plus 8.

Is it actually plus eight? Yeah. Can you move the camera? Keep going. Okay, so it's 17 plus eight. So that would hit. Yeah. 17 plus eight, yeah. So then I do a d10 in damage because I'm the goalie. Oh, you're the goalie. Wow. D10, d10. Okay, okay, okay.

I got one. That's okay, 25. Which direction do you want to send the ball? One plus five. I think we add five to our attacks, if I recall correctly. So that'd be six. 30. You would add strength or dex. Whatever your strength or dex is. Oh. Okay, nevermind. So four. So that would be five. 28. And I guess I would send it straight back, or diagonal. Back this way? Right?

You could send it back. That's very reasonable. Yeah. That's extremely reasonable. And then it will potentially hit Silas because he doesn't have his reaction anymore. 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19. Let's go. Oh, what a terrible tragedy. You hate to see good athletes fall. Which one is that? Silas. Silas, who is...

Silas Frostheart, a big goliath of a man, guilty of manslaughter, sadly. Sadly. Is just gonna take it. So he's gonna take half the bludgeoning damage? Yeah, that would be nine. Nine points of it? Okay. And then it loses-- One momentum. It loses one momentum and it's catar-dives. And that's gonna be a three. East.

17, 16, 15, scattered eye. Four. Sorry. 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, B. Seeing that it's going to miss the bell tower, that particular character will let it fly. Eight. Done. Wow. Where's Z right now? Z is right here.

Over here in the-- Yep, yep, yep. Z is going to step between the bell tower and the ringer, and he's gonna attempt to hit it. He succeeds. He's gonna get 14 of your bludgeoning damages, and he is going to send it. What happens if he sends it north, northeast? It goes, sorry, I'm struggling to draw this line in my head. It goes here and it bounces along all of these

So it gets a nice angle. That's a good balance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take that bounce. I'll take that bounce. Okay, 22. Bea doesn't have a reaction, so I'm assuming you're just gonna let that go. Yep. 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12. Felpid, do you have a reaction? I do. Well, I mean, it would be a terrible trad that even broke somebody's neck.

You're good. You only need +1 to hit it. It's 11 right now. And that's a d6. So, yeah. 8. So that goes to 20. Which direction would you like to send it? I mean, you could just try to clobber these fools. Oh, sorry, B! All right, straight south. We're going 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 13... 15, 14, 13, 12 to B.

Does B have a reaction? That's Bane. No. He let it pass by. I don't know if he's used his reaction yet. I don't think he has. Oh, okay, maybe not. I don't think he has. He's not going to jump out of the way. He's going to take it. So how much does B... 12, which half would be 6? 6. He takes it right in the noggin. You can tell that he's dazed from the attack. It loses one momentum and scatters? Yes. It would be terrible tragedy if it goes to K. Aw, man. 10, 9, 8. Whew.

Not doing the announcer's voice right now, it's killing me. That being said, it is Babar's turn.

Can't get there. What does Babar look like? Yeah, so Babar is a massively huge loxodon who has spent the last four years in prison doing nothing but working out. So Babar was already in pretty good shape being a strong paladin, but now he's like absolutely yoked. Like he's completely just off the... He's too strong for his own good.

In addition to that, what he's been doing is spending the last four years basically trading for secrets and information regarding powerful magic items and hints as to how to ascend to godhood. I imagine that the Galtican prison would have many different types of people and from all walks of life, powerful people who may have information regarding...

You know, all sorts of tips and tricks. The most ancient and arcane of secrets. He is still hoping to seek vengeance, attain godhood, and ascend beyond this mortal coil. Basically, instead of defending your son, not your son, but instead, you're Sarah Connor, where the focus and drive is just this one thing every single day. Ascension. Absolutely, ascension. Um...

And he looks a lot rough. I mean, he's in good shape, but he looks haggard and older from being in this prison from the last time that we saw him. And the drugs! And the drugs don't help. He's like the guard at the Salty Spitzhand. Drugs are a lot harder to get in prison, but not impossible. Okay, I will just have to move. I don't have really much else I can do. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30...

I'm gonna run like right up like through the middle of the field up to Silas in a very intimidating way basically trying to like shoulder check this manslaughtering Goliath as I position myself in a way to intimidatingly smash the ball into the bell and I don't have any ranged attacks, that's my turn. Bane? B is up, where's B? He's right here. He's gonna run up and try to smack that thing. Yeah, he can definitely get there. Oh, what's his total movement? 30? 30. So that would be 10.

20. Oh, even more than that. Yeah. Shit, he's like gonna make it there. This would normally be 15, but you add 10, so 25. Normally this is 1 and a half, that's 3. 4... 5 and a half. Yeah, he can get there. Okay, he can get there. Okay. I trust y'all. He hits. He's gonna do 13 points of bludgeoning damage, and he's gonna try to send it directly between Babar and Walrus. Yeah. Yeah, that works. So Babar has his reaction. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking smash this idiot.

That's gonna be 19. 19, oh boy. It's gonna be tough to hit. I only have +6, interesting. That can't be right. Is it based on strength or is it based on... Yeah, I bumped up my charisma. And then, and then I'll show you afterwards. Loxodon, I still get it. Loxodon don't have +2 strength, believe it or not. They don't have a racial +2 strength that's constitutions. It's con, yeah. We'll fix it. I mean, there's nothing to fix, it's just the race. That's gonna be 24 to hit.

And I'm gonna smite this this jackass Which is an additional 2d8 at the cost of a spell slot and 1d6 plus 2d8. What does that look like? Are you? How does a a babar in your position after all this time? Yeah, so before it would have been this beautiful starlight

Blessed from Gigantis Elephantris Lustres. You see a stampede of... Yeah, it would have been very, like, astral, you know, beautiful. Now it's kind of, like, deep red and gray, black. There's clearly some sort of malevolence. Everyone sees a graveyard of tusks when you're scratching. Yeah, there's a malevolence in the sweat now. That's going to be 9, 10, plus 3 is going to be...

13 points on top of the 19, which would be 32. Okay. And... Ah, shit, that's in the way. That's in the way. Damn. You could send it straight south. Yeah, that's just not ideal. And hope that it bounces. Because I don't think B or... Then we'll just come back. Or K has there. I'm going to take a chance. I'm going to send it into this and see what we get. Ooh. 31 points.

30, 29, scatter die. Four. Same path. That's actually not terrible. No, it's not bad. 29, 20, 27, 26, 25. It's going so fast it blows through the tower. 25, 24, 23. That's it. Yeah, that's Ting. Oh! Yeah! Torch win! Torch win!

Trunk wins. Trunk wins! As I hit this ball, I release an absolutely thunderous... And basically I'm screaming at the other combatants like a madman. There's saliva going everywhere as I drop my paddle to the ground and stand there roaring in triumph. Some of the guards are doing this. Some of the few prison...

inmates are sort of clapping and cheering, having won perhaps some gambles, but you remember in your head, in your mind's eye, you can see the crowds of Goodbury Square all screaming and cheering around you with flags that look like elephant trunks waving back and forth. You can hear the cheerleaders, you remember your friends, and in this moment, you're hit with an immediate sadness.

as even though you, perhaps not immediate sadness, but a pang of that memory also comes with the sweetness of this victory and it's a bit more bitter for it. And because we didn't get to y'all's turn to play any of this sweet and swell, my apologies, Claude, who are you, what are you in for, how do you look? Tell us a little bit about yourself. - Well I, well I, well I do declare that that's a victory!

The name is Jean-Claude Elefante, lawyer in law. And I'm here in prison because I was the lawyer that was defending Babard's trial. And previously I had his list of crimes in front of me, which is hogswashed, I say. Absolute hogswallop. Greatest thing I've ever seen. And we were running through them and

In court it was such and such and such and such and murder. And manslaughter. Oh, manslaughter. No, it was second-degree murder. Kidnapping. No, manslaughter. And that was it. They tried to kidnap Benonam and I said, jury, that is hogswosh. I won't have it. He did not nap any kids. It was a grown, full adult. And on that alone, he should be set free. And at the time, I tried to get in their heads and I said,

you let him go or I'll kill your whole family but I didn't understand that you were supposed to whisper that part and only one person would hear it so I shouted it as loud as I could because I thought it would be more medicine that way and uh well they locked me up and uh

I too am an elephante. I mean, a lox is on the... Also commonly known as elephante. Elephante. And where Babar is shaped like an upside-down pyramid, I am shaped firmly like a standard pyramid.

Traditionally would be wearing kind of like a full white suit with like a cream colored tie and an askewed pocket square as it was matching offhandedly the color of the tie. Never directly matching because there's no firm sense of style. Like white kind of tussled but slicked back hair and a white

I don't know how an Aloxan would have a goatee, but that's how I imagine it. They do. They absolutely have one. They just do. They goatee around. It's just a ring of hair around the scarf. It's a goatee that runs down the chimney, under the trunk, and comes on down. And normally I do say that I would walk with a bamboo cane, but here in prison...

Just an iron putt is what I walk around with. So just to be very clear, you and I are shaped like Crash Bandicoot criminal, and you are a Mewtwo-shaped lawyer. Okay, just so I'm sure. Exactly correct, young sir. Exactly correct. Does anyone else talk to me for fried chicken all of a sudden? No.

One moment. Is that a reserve? That's fantastic. No one's inspiration right now. I get swapped. I'm sure it will not matter after this point. And...

Glitzy was also on the field, despite the fact that the ball of the ringer did not arrive in your path, except for the one time. She blocked it. You were able to successfully block it. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah, I may be small, but I'm the best goalie they got out here on the field. I'm Glitzy the Bang Sparks, and I'm in here for something I don't quite think is fair. I don't think I should get life in prison for starting a riot at a concert. I think this is a little ridiculous. It's not my fault that I'm here.

a lot of people died and I really don't think it should be illegal to yell fire when there isn't one. But that being said, what happens, what happens? My favorite band of all time, I was watching them, the White Sprites, and they were playing my favorite song, Seven Nation Army, and I just got a little out of control and I yelled fire because they were on fire. I'm telling you. And maybe I dropped a bomb or two, but honestly, who was even counting?

Oh, I was. It was very amazing. The body count was very high. Oh, thanks. I mean, oh, what a terrible national tragedy. Yeah, it wasn't really my fault, though. It was more the bomb's fault. It was a seven national tragedy. Where's the evidence, I say? That's what I'm trying to say. Anyway, yeah, I'm a fairy, not a pixie. It's confusing, I know.

And I'm wearing some ripped fishnet stockings and I've got some studded boots and I've got a jacket on with a bunch of patches and buttons and things on it. It's a leather jacket in case you were wondering. I got my ripped band t-shirt on and I've got my mohawk because I didn't want to do the full shave on the sides just in case I wanted to look dapper occasionally, you know what I mean? But it is hot pink.

Despite their best efforts to get you just to wear the usual prison uniform. Yeah. Like, they'll get rid of your jacket and somehow you'll always have it the next day. They try every time. They just don't have the right fit for a fairy, you know what I mean? Exactly right. Exactly right.

So there you all stand, here on the battlefield of the prison. Really the place where problems are worked out, really the place where exercise and games are had. In this case, flim-flom for today, and perhaps another type of magical sport any other. You can hear the soft claps of some of the folks who are watching, and you immediately feel a slap on your back

And Silas, the Goliath, stands there. Babar, his good game, his play again, still light. I will kill you.

No second game! And you can see them sort of fanning off Ka Luna, who'd been knocked out so aggressively thanks to the attacks from Felpip and having been smashed by the momentum of the ball. They start to coalesce together, but you can see that they're already starting to wave another team to see if they want to play another game of the magical sport that is called Fleenflau, leaving the five of you to discuss amongst yourselves.

Oh, it's a good game. If you want to do a rematch, we could maybe smash you even harder than use your entrails for potions. Another various brew.

I'm going to walk up to Jean and say, well, I'll have a family bucket with four biscuits, a side of mashed potatoes, extra gravy, mac and cheese, and throw in a couple extra drumsticks. Oh, for the last time, the walrus, I don't sell fried chicken or food of any kind. You don't? And if I had it, I'd eat it myself. Oh.

In copious amounts. Oh, I used to know a guy that looked just like you. Passing resemblance, I assure you. I get it all the time. People would call him the Colonel, but it was really spelled colonel. Frustrates me every time I look at it. I take colonel every day. It doesn't help. Jean-Claude.

Has there been any movement on our appeals? Well, let me consult my appeals document here. Has there been any movement on our appeals? You have been attempting to speak through the guards to try to get the attention of the warden. Make a persuasion check. Oh!

Well, that is where I say I'm a vicar. Oh, when I do that, I say, I say, I say, that's where I wrote a natural word. And with that, an 11. Every time you ask. Yeah, sure, we'll get right on that, Chief.

Well, Babar, I do say I believe it's gonna be any day now, 'cause old Jean-Claude Elefante is on the case. You just have to keep your own retainer. These walls cannot hold me forever. No, and they will not! They will not, I declare!

Well, anyone want to eat some disgusting clob at the cafeteria? Oh, yes, please! Maybe start a prison riot or something? Yeah, I'm feeling a bit peckish now that we played that game. I only got to hit the ball once, but it was better than last time. Yeah, in the chaos, maybe we can make a missing person about it? Oh, you guys want to start a food fight and see if someone dies? Oh, yeah.

I like that you're in here for minor crimes and you're like, yes, I'm down to murder.

You make your way to the cafeteria and you either enjoy the slop or you find ways to throw it and get other people to throw it. But that is just another day in Galtica State Penitentiary, the place you've called home for however many years you've been in this particular prison.

And then night comes. There's a few more waking hours before you eventually find your way back to your cells. And part of the reason perhaps the five of you find yourselves in the same team when it comes to daytime physical activities like playing fling and flail is because your cells happen to share the branch of the prison that you have been assigned. And so you

have had many late nights being able to sort of catch up and talk about your things. It's as close to a friendship or a fellowship or a circle of friends that one could have in this space without some sort of blood pact or something along those lines.

So before we go to sleep tonight, you guys want to make a blood pact or something? And those bars slam home and the five of you find yourselves alone in the quiet of the night as you can hear those same bars slamming home as the rest of the inmates are put in their cells.

facing each other as you do, you know that it could be a very long time before the sun rises and you're able to see what little freedom you can elsewhere in the penitentiary. Blood, blood pact?

Yeah, I was just thinking we're as good of friends as we can be without making a blood patch, so I thought maybe we should make one. Yeah, maybe if we all donate one organ or body part, we can be real good chump about it. Oh, Felp, you don't need to do that to make a blood patch. You just simply have to prick your finger or something. And then do we, like, squirt the blood at each other or do we put it in a chalice and drink it? I don't know. Oh, yeah, I'll put it in a jar for safekeeping. Well, no, you've got to do something with it. You don't just hide it in a jar. Yeah.

Well, I'll do the other stuff later. You're always so selfish when it comes to blood and guts and entrails and stuff. You gotta start sharing with everybody else. I mean, you could always try to meddle with dog powers beyond your mortal comprehension, but sometimes it doesn't go so well, like those teenagers discovered when they went into the woods.

Allegedly. You hear the sound of footsteps, and you know that right around the corner is the guard that tends to watch your side of the branch at night, the night guard, a man by the name of Amar Brightshield. Is he alone? Yes. Hey guys, there's that lone guard that likes to wander around this part of the prison.

By himself! Yeah. Alone! Yeah, that's why he called him the Lone God. Just one of them! Yeah. Is this the night we've been waiting for? Can we finally return to the woods and serve the Dark One Behemoth? Well, I was thinking returning to the secret lair beneath the arctic-themed putt-putt golf course that went out of business 20 years ago.

But we could go to the woods, too. Is that where the kids were drinking the slushies and dying, and that's why it shut down? Look, it's blue water. You're not supposed to drink that much blue dye. You're not supposed to use the same blue dye in the water as if you're doing the slushies. I'm not serving the slushies. What are you guys talking about?

Look, that was completely unintentional. I just wanted my walruses to feel at home in the great blue sea. Beneath the putt-putt golf course? Yes, in my secret lair beneath the putt-putt golf course. Oh, okay. Oh, wait.

- He finally comes into view. - Kill him! - There are bars between you and Amar. He's a half elf and you all know him to be a good man, having all probably attempted to bribe him at some point. He's turned down your attempts. Lights out in five minutes. - You think we can maybe get 10 today?

"Orders are orders." "Yeah, but we won the flamethrower thing." "Yes, you're not the only one. We can't be making exceptions around here. This is prison." "Yeah, but... but... but..." "I could play this like 'pleeeeeeease'." "Yeah, what's Philpips say?" "Pretty please with..." "Every night with you guys, this routine. Every night!" "Pretty please with the teeth of Venus on top."

Just five minutes. We're your favorite, you know. Make a persuasion check. I mean, we're in fact not his favorite. I don't have an arcane focus, do I? A 17, actually. No, you wouldn't have an arcane. Oh. I just hand-waved that for the sake of let's get through that round of flame flow. 17. With a 17? No.

Oh, Dawn, all right. I knew it was going to be a no again. But a girl's got to try. You miss every shot you don't take is something I read once in a book or something. I understand that you're up for parole. What is the... Oh, I don't know. I think they said they were going to let me out for good behavior. Good behavior? I understand that you might be actually out of here in a month. Yeah, I know. I just got to keep being...

Not violent and stuff. Exactly right. Exactly correct, all of you. Thank you, Glitzy, for making that very valid point. You're welcome. Great. I snuff out the bomb that I had lit on fire when he walked off. Yep. And put it under my pillow. All right, lights out, everybody. Five minutes, though, you said. It's been five minutes. Oh, I thought it was five minutes from the time you walked away.

away that wasn't fair you didn't stipulate that in the beginning I have my watch right here it's been five minutes what's a watch it's right underneath this zipper coat I have that's a deep cut alright alright he seems to have his own sense of time and he turns the lights down

and you know that you'll have nothing but the moonlight to shed through the very thin barred window in your stalls, in your cells, for the remainder of the evening, and you can hear his footsteps energetically start to make their way, echoing down the hall. - That Lone Guard's such a stickler for rules. - It was worth the try.

It's worth a try every night. I only got 30 more days and then I'm out of here. Yeah. He's a nice guy with a nice family. I hope he enjoys them as long as he can while he can. Yeah, I hope so too.

It'd be a terrible tragedy if something awful happened to him. I agree, I'd hate that for him, he's nice. Perhaps if he blacked out in a fit of madness, he perhaps murdered his entire family. That'd be a terrible tragedy. I don't think that'll happen, though. He'll end up here right with us, the great equalizer. Prison. Prison flop. It's not that bad. Every evening when night falls, I know that I must wait until morning again.

For I sit here, underneath the judgment of Gigantis Elephantus Illustrus. The only way to escape that judgment is for me to ascend myself. You guys want to do some hard drugs and forget about reality for a while? I'm glad you brought that up, Glitzy.

I've been taking a break from the hard drugs for a while. You want a stripper? One of the other guards slipped me my usual shipment in a balloon. Right up the prison wallet. The balloon, unfortunately, was faulty. I was tripping balls for weeks. Decided to take it easy for a little bit after that. How long ago was it that they slipped you the balloon in a prison let? Months, months ago. Are you sure? After that instance, no more hard drugs for Babar B. Babar.

For now. You're sweating profusely right now. Are you telling this story? Are you sure it was months? I'm sure. All right. Why are you holding on? I don't know if the bar be the bar. Well, it's not like he could give you any. He just said he butt-chugged the whole thing. Why don't you share it a little bit?

Never mind! Well, I think, I believe for the point of the story to get across, we gotta plan our daring escape on account of us all being innocent. Oh, but there's no point in me trying to escape. We only got 30 more days. I mean, that's a long 30 days, Clipsy. I mean, I know that it sounds like to you that trying to break out might ruin it to perhaps get lives, but you can get out sooner rather than later if you bust it out with us.

Yeah, I guess that's true. So what you're saying is that she could wait 30 days and be free, or she could attempt to break out, get out 30 days sooner,

But if she's caught, spend the rest of her extremely long fairy life in prison? Listen, the walrus, if I have learned anything through all of this, it's never wait for anything. Get instant gratification the moment that you can. If all you know, you might end up in life in prison. So you're saying you want some of these drugs. My stomach coils, my eyes kind of go, and I push your hand away. But it's just pixies.

If we are going to be breaking out of here, we all need to stay sort of sharp. Okay, well. Pass your pixie stick. I'll have half of one. You snorted. For some of you, you're on one wall, and for the others, you're on the other side facing in. And so in order to get pixie sticks, sometimes it's a matter of tossing them, and other times it's a matter of handing them around so that another hand can grab them and then walk to the other side and then handing them around. It can be quite an elaborate procedure of...

teamwork, actually. Like a false arm of like Gnarlroot would stand out. I'm back here. You won't do anything for you, Felpip. Now listen, Rabab, there's no reason to get upset, okay? Rabab was my brother. Oh, I thought your brother was Babar B. Babar. I am Babar B. Babar, you old fool! No, I thought it was I am Rabab B. Rabab!

And I will raise and avenge my brother Babar B. Babar. How many times have I explained this to you, the walrus? You both had stupid names in my defense. I'm the walrus.

Look, I apologize, Babar, right? Babar, is that the right one? They're very similar, they're really different. Babar! Why did you and your brother have different last names? We don't talk about that. Oh, alright. Well, I vote on breaking out.

Yeah, I mean, I think that maybe there could be minimal or maximal collateral damage. I mean, we could do maximal collateral damage or minimal, whatever we're feeling. The damage done will be whoever stands in our way.

I just don't think I can do the breaking out thing. Well, freedom certainly isn't going to come to you without trying. Not in 30 days. I've been trying real hard. I've been making sure that every food fight I start gets blamed on someone else. How does that support getting out of here? Well, it means that they look at me and they're like, oh, that Glitzy's been an absolute just primo prisoner. So we're going to let her out early. Instead of life in prison, she just has one more month.

Well, that's genius. You should be coming up with a plan to break us out of here. With ideas like that. Well...

We could try and, like we could all, oh, we could become an amalgamation of one human, we could all do a bunch of drugs, okay? But let's start off that way. Okay, I like what this is going. Right, we could all do a bunch of drugs. Okay. And then we could form like a human millipede or whatever it is. What, no, you don't like this? Well, no. What did that look like? I was into the drugs portion, but uh... Does that involve eating?

Yeah, the drugs. And so we're going to like attach ourselves to each other and form like this giant amalgamation of us. We're going to have to give ourselves a name. What do you mean? Like we'd hold hands? Oh, we'd piggyback each other? Yeah, just like insert ourselves. And then anyway, what we're going to do is then we're going to rush towards the wall and see if we can bust it down. Oh, scream as loud as we can. Yeah, because the Lone Guard's not going to hear us.

Then why would we have to stitch ourselves together just to run at the wall? Well, because if we try and do it separate, you know, when we hit the wall, we're all going to bounce away from each other. But if we're all, like, inserted into each other, then we're one solid mass. And when we slam into the wall, we can't break apart. Or something about the drugs. Okay. Mr. Lawyer Man, what's your idea? I also have this bomb.

Well, why didn't you just say so? It seems as though we can just wait for Amar to come back around and steal the keys right off his belt, or we can put that bomb next to the side of the wall and just blast on out of here. No, I can't use it, though, because if I get caught, I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life in prison. Well, just blame it on one of the others. Just throw the bomb out the window. It's worthless. It lands next to a bunch of other unexploded bombs. LAUGHTER

This happens all night. Yeah, yeah, you're going to be talking yourself out of it over and over. And this is how the evening progresses. Usually talking about means of escape, then remembering that you can't, and that almost certainly any attempt that you did would be thwarted by the GM. And eventually you find yourself asleep until late that evening. You hear a sound. It's very unusual, this sound, because...

It's almost always dead silent all night, but you hear a very familiar sound. The same footsteps of Amarr start to make their way back through the darkness and you hear this switch sound. Very faint deep red glow, almost orange for a moment, and then

Closer and closer and closer. And the figure of Amarr, the lone guard, comes into view. The sounds of echoing footsteps get louder and louder and louder, and eventually, in the darkness of the hall that you all share, this branch of the prison, you see the figure, the half-elf figure of Amarr standing there, this lone guard.

But he stands a little differently, not quite as straight-backed as he normally would be, but instead hunched a little bit. And to your amazement, all of you see him pull up his hand, and between two fingers he has a lit cigarette. Takes a long drag. It's so quiet that you can actually hear the coal burn down for a moment.

And you can smell the billow of smoke as it fills the space, this scent of multi-vanilla-like, maple-like. And those of you who are familiar enough with the tobacco know that this is to be a cigarette of Morley Flake. A captive audience. How nice. It's a pleasure to finally get to meet you all here.

A very different voice emerges from the sound of Amar, no longer the one you recall having spoken to him day after day after day, always on night watch. But instead this sort of dry, almost papery sound of a voice comes out and addresses the five of you. Well... Is this the middle of the night? It's like the dead of night. It's like midnight, one in the morning, two in the morning, something like that.

You should all be getting a long rest at this point, but instead you just hear the sound of this voice and this figure standing there, not approaching the cells at all, just, It's a pleasure to meet you all in person. Well, I say, Marr, you've been guarding over us here every night since we've been here. You aren't meeting us. Games aren't your style, fella. Jean-Claude. That's my name.

I think it should be obvious that I am not the one you know as a Maar. Tonight, I come to you as the representative of some very powerful clients. You can think of me as one of the members of the many-headed syndicate. What time is it? If you're not a Maar, then are you the one that's going to give me money?

The Walrus, I believe. Yes. I have come here to give you an offer. It's three in the fucking morning! This offer better be good! This was the only time that could guarantee a private conversation. What I come to offer you is very special. Well, get on with it.

Babar, I think you in particular will be interested in my offer. No shit! But I must tell you all, for it is the five of you I seek. Oh god, I get out of here in 30 days. I don't know if I'm available for anything right now. But I only am interested in willing participants.

Say no and... Are you gonna shoot me? Why are you pointing with those two fingers like that? He's like got the cigarette like between his two fingers here and he's taking a drag. Oh! I'm not here to harm you. I'm here to invite you to a game. Are you possessed by the Dark One? Come to give my... give me orders on the next phase of the ritual?

He takes another pull of the cigarette and it briefly glows and illuminates his face and looking into his eyes there's a parallel, a kinship. Maybe not your dark one, but something is possessing Amar. I serve his dark will, the hooves that stamp in the darkest forest. Allegedly. Allegedly. To attain great power.

You must participate in this game, risking everything. But if you should show enough will to live, then you would achieve more power than you could possibly imagine. Even you, Felpip. Even me? A lowly worm in comparison to the great king, sixth of horn, sixth of seal, sixth of sword? Oh yes. I am but a worm, a pawn in his great game.

What if you wanted to be king in that game, Felpip? Felpip, king himself? Oh yes. My own dark beast, my own great king? Your own throne, a chance for power. A throne of gnarled wood and earth? Power beyond... Ancient beyond mortal comprehension? What say you? The bones of all of my enemies and innocents?

Collateral damage. To be weeped. All of this is well and good, but this is certainly not the first time that any of us have sought after or heard about unlimited power. How can we trust you? No, speak for yourself! I can't say that you can trust me and he's farther than you can trust any of the others here.

Well, I think that we'd love to take you up on your offer of ultimate power, but you see here, we're stuck... We're stuck behind these here bars, and we can't exactly journey off with you to wherever the heck you'd like to go. This place, this prison you find yourself in, can be easily remedied by someone such as myself. I would transport you from here, but not to freedom. Just a chance.

You can get us out of here right now? If I so wished it. If accepting is what it takes to be freed from this hellhole, make it so. I'm in. I don't know why I'm not playing the cool creepy backstory music. Oh, I was wondering what was going on with that. I thought we were just in prison. You seem cooler than that, Abar. Oh, that is creepy. So you're saying... Jesus, everything. Unlimited power? Power without limits.

It's the same thing. Could that come with various marine mammal sidekicks? Oh yes. Oh, and flying ointments made from the innards of the innocent? Oh, and all the fried chicken we could eat. And I could be center stage.

the leader of a band. Like Jem and the Holograms, but like cooler with bombs. That's almost impossible. Far cooler. And like maybe even in space. Jem and the Holograms would be a pale imitation of what your band could bring to the stage. That's too outrageous. Could I throw bombs into space and people would cheer for me? If you win through. So much power and influence I could do anything and have anything.

be wearing leather jackets with Glitzy's face on them. We are Glitz-Ba-Bomb. What? That would be the Walrus. We're a band. I mean, I just thought Glitz-Ba-Bomb. But anyway, never mind. Oh, God. I guess you could name it. Instead of having a full wall. Wait, no, that's not what I want. No, I want, what's that in the back business in the front? A mullet. Well, that's a mullet, see? Yeah, I could have a rock mullet like that one guy

movie head where he had a huge penis you could have the sorry major image the king of all mullets could be yours it could be old foghorn leghorn here in a moment back in the day that's bad when they called me rockadoo remember those days johnny oh the 80s chicken

Yes, yes, in fact, it was back when I was selling chicken. Yeah. I'm waking people up in the wee hours of three, like this creepy guy. The stranger's cigarette is nearly burned all the way down to the filter, and he takes it and he puts it out into his palm and then sort of conjures another cigarette before lighting one of his fingers. First we try, and then we trust.

If you accept my offer to be taken to a plane of existence from far from here, where you'll participate in a game, you can just extend your hands through the bar, let's say, and I will test your will. Is there a chance that we all die terribly?

There is a chance of that. Oh, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. I too am in. Put it here, put it here. You all extend your hands and he sort of gestures to put your hand like a palm up.

Are we doing this, Rockadoodle? Oh, well, I think we are. I mean, did you hear "Power without limit"? Certainly different than unlimited power. Very different. Very different indeed. Remember that, I could open a law firm and never have to show up. I'm not doing days of work in my life. It just makes money for me. And then you wouldn't have to keep telling people that you're saying and you're saying all the time. He's exactly right.

He goes up to each of you, and he hits the end of his sort of ashes into your hand, but you can see it drops like almost a magical ember into your palm. Close your hands as the embers hit them, and it's cool. You sort of instinctively pull away and don't necessarily want it to burn, but at first there's not even warmth. Let's see, do you extend your palm? Oh, I don't know what to do, guys.

until I'm out of here for real, you know? But there's no promise of being, I don't know, Glitzy and the Displaced Cats is the name I'm working on. Oh, I don't know. Well, Glitzy, you know, I mean, you could... I've got this bomb here that's...

It's lit on fire! And I throw it out the window. It falls down next to a bunch of other bombs before it's extinguishing and not igniting. You could wait to get out and be a law-abiding citizen and just serve your time and be rehabilitated, but that does sound like the thinking, that sounds like the actions of a bitch. Okay! He's got a point! Good thing he ain't no bitch! Let's see...

Oh, that's cool to detach. He taps and this ember falls into your hand and he gestures to close your hand. You have to understand my clients pay very well in magics and in goods to watch these games. They place bets on them and that goes for you too. And... That's for who? Who are you talking to? Oh, yeah.

The GM was indicating to Chat that they should start putting their money on whoever they want. Hypothetical money. Understand. Can Chat actually win? No, no, but just think of who you want to win and start thinking about things in that way. There's no game aside from like, ooh, I hope the walrus wins. Their clients are very powerful indeed. And then he takes a drag.

and you feel the ember inside of your hand grow a bright haunt. - Yeah, well, fuck. - Well, I say.

I am a bitch! I need you all to make a constitution saving throw. If you attempt to withstand the pain of this ember in your palm, you can imagine how the searing ember is almost certainly burning through the top layer of skin and into your palm at the very second. Is this a 10 or an 8? I got a 26. Oh, that's, I would say that's scuffed.

I mean, I don't know that that's... There you go. It was like dead center. Oh, yeah, that's the problem with those dice. They roll and they... Yeah, crazy. 25! So what, this is constitution saving throw? 23. Damn. Well, it's also a 23. I would say it's also a 23. Oh! Fuck. Do any of you instinctively... You have the will, perhaps, to hold on to this ember, but do you drop it?

If I get a 23 and it's burning my eyeball, but it feels kind of good. It's burning your palm. Oh, I did this. You've got your fifth shot on it. Exactly.

I think that bar would have been through way worse. This wouldn't flinch it. He watches all of you and-- Just wince a little bit. Then he takes another drag. I suffer for the dark one, I suffer for the dark one. I will channel my walrus blood lineage and just not feel it. I'm just gonna try to feel cool and cold like the Arctic.

Cool and cold in the Arctic, you try to channel that. But as he pulls again on his cigarette, it gets hotter and more and more painful. You can't imagine that it doesn't drop out the back of your hand from the searing pain that it is surely burning in this moment. I need you all to make an additional constitution saving throw. Come on. It did it again. 17. That's the exact same one. Yeah, it keeps doing that. Oh, baby, I'm rolling like a fire. Natural 20. Oh!

17. 19. 24. 26. 27. You are all able to hold onto your embers for the second drag as the pain becomes intense. Perhaps even given whatever background you may have had, all of the pain is starting to come short of this and you fear for a moment what might come if a third drag should arrive.

I would, if it's starting to burn like the dickens, I would say, "Oh lord, oh great heavens! This is quite a thing to hang on to!" You're not ready to-- "You're a stranger! Oh no!" You do this, and you look at your hand. There's a brief set of sparks almost comes out. But you look at your hand and it is uninjured. You've not been hurt. This is some sort of magical effect. "Too bad, Jean-Claude."

Too bad. Oh no. What have you done? This is like the gum jabar! You gotta keep going! And then he pulls again from the cigarette. Your hand is free. You do not need to make a constitution saving throw, but the rest of you need as the intensity of this pain brightens past that threshold you didn't realize was possible. Eight. Twenty-three. Jesus. I finally rolled not so hot. I got a sixteen. Sixteen? Yeah.

12. 12? Wait. 12. Wait, what was the high line? 23. 23? With a 23, let's see, you manage to, thinking of perhaps the fuse of your bomb, you start to picture it, and you're able to push through, channel through, and because of this, you gain inspiration. Oh, nice! The rest of you all finally having been pushed to the brink of sanity from this pain, pull away and start to...

Push away. Too bad. Glitzy, very well done. You have shown tremendous willpower in this...

Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening to what you were saying. I was drinking out of my communal tea bucket. That's just a toilet. It's not tea! You got the letter wrong on it. What are you talking about? No, that's a peanut tea. Oh, this is in common. You got the humor right, though. It is, in fact, communal.

And in trying to win through, you have learned what it will mean for you to try to win through in this game. I accept all five of you. Should you agree, you need only open the cell doors, the bars to your cell so that you might proceed.

Oh, we would, but they're locked. Oh, well. Little fun. Until we meet again, the many-headed syndicate sends their regards.

And he starts to turn and walk away. Why don't you just go by Hydra? Oh, come on. That was delayed. It's not Hydra. Get out of here. Oh, it's a mouse with a baseball bat! Woo!

Oh, that's terrible trash. I'm sorry. I would try to open the cell doors. Oh, my God. Listen to what he said. I would just try to open the doors. Immediately you turn, and there's almost this shuddering of light as you push the bar back, and you realize you're no longer looking into the hall,

Yes. Today. Today is the day!

I am free! No, your name's Abba. What an idiot. When he does this, you actually see this phasing, and he just evaporates. You do not hear him make this exclamation whatsoever, unless you are also opening the bars. I just have a quick question. Hearing him now declare the many-headed syndicate multiple times as hardened...

imprisoned criminals. Does that ring any kind of familiarity to us? Yes. Yes, I wouldn't even make you roll like an intelligence check or something along those lines. You would have heard rumors of this sort of shadowy organization, very powerful in Galtica, engaging with only the very most premium of gangs and has its fingers in its hydra. LAUGHTER

It's not Hydra. But yeah, it's Hydra. When I do say hail the man ahead at Syndicate, I swing open that door. When you do, you spy another door suddenly open and on the other side you're both now staring into this shared communal space, this beautiful elaborate space. You see all kinds of objects and artifacts in there, things that you recognize to almost be for you.

As an example, Babar, you see a pristine set of armor that looks like it has been tailor-made. And it is not like the one that you used to wear, the one that would have been adorned with gigantous... Elephantus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would not have that kind of adornment, but instead it seems to be Babar. And for you...

John Claude, the most perfect suit you ever did see. Ready and also perfectly tailored. Is it seersucker? Is it seersucker? Obviously. Absolutely right. Is that a bitch lemonade? How do you stay cool in those hot summer days?

without Seersucker running up and down your body waves. It's what Jean-Claude would want it to be. And I would say as each of you start to see the others disappear, Felpip, you would find the things that you would naturally have on your character sheet available. In addition to the finest of entrees and appetizers, there's all kinds of drinks from juices to punches to liquors and spirits.

Oh, a simple melee weapon and a druidic focus. Just what the dark one ordered. Oh, 1d4, gold d5. Oh, 1d4. It pulls back! I with you. Yes, yes. You bundle a bunch of pittons up into your arm. They vanish into your inventory. Till they put them heaven roads! God.

I also open the door and click my face. The two of you also eventually make your way through and you find yourselves the available loot, being what it is, seemingly kept in name. And it's about at this time as you start to come to the luxury of this place, given your life as it's been over the past few weeks, months, and years, that you...

come alive to the fact that there are people in this room. Very dramatic, powerful people. No, they're what appear to be very simple armored figures. They have gauntlets on their hands. They have boots. They're almost like completely made of metal. But what is especially unusual and what draws your eyes is that their heads are pyramids.

These perfect pyramids, four sides, and they seem to be sort of looking at you, doing this, looking in each direction. And that's where the five of you find yourself in, as these silent guards witness you take the things that you feel are owed to yourself. Silent guards? This is giving silent hill. What's going on with your pyramids? Mwaaah!

The paint on the wall starts to disgustingly flap away. Somebody's entire skin is pulled off in a disgusting manner. It's 2005 again. Things are awesome. Things are awesome. Hey, what you just came in with? A bunch of weird nanny nurses. Come put on the ball, let's finish the fight. They don't move. LAUGHTER

You got my Code Red. Oh my god! Anyone remember Pepsi Blue? What a bull! Oh yeah. Doritos Nachos? Can't, what? Just Doritos. Don't steal it! I knew they had it! I was going with the Code Red, I knew that. Yeah, and finish the fight. Sponsored by Doritos. And Mountain Dew, actually. Oh, that's Code Red! Fuck! I do declare Code Red. Continue Dungeon Master.

You put on the things that are owed you. You enjoy the beverages and the foodstuffs, and as you start to sort of like come to rest and wonder what the next step in this process is, the figures with their pyramid heads walk up and hold out for each of you a belt.

A simple locking belt with a simple sort of a... a shapeless sphere where the belt buckle should be. And they each are perfectly sized for each of you, but they seem silently to gesture that you should each put this belt on. Oh, well, I don't remember seeing this on my character sheet, but thank you. I love nothing more than a shapeless sphere. And I click around my waist.

Well now, what do these do? Oh, I should have asked that. Yeah. Nameless villains from Silent Hill. They sort of gesture to put the belt on. They don't speak. They can talk. They just sort of nod at you and...

continue to push the belt on you. Should've assumed all the minions in the demon hellscape waiting room wouldn't talk to me. It'll match your wings and your chicken-like figure. I think it's quite interesting that you're more worried about putting a belt on in this demon hellscape than you were about drinking the liquid and eating the food, which easily could've had poison in all of it. Well, the gentleman that invited us here seemed like such a caring chap, but these guys have pyramids for heads.

That other guy was smoking a pot and a cigarette. I mean, the Pomona leaf. You can't argue with that. If they'll hear you with a lot of cool. Well, I mean, I do declare he spoke very plainly. Everybody that's here under no false pretenses. And these are like horrors. Handing us belts to wrap about ourselves.

All right. Well, it'll clash with my outfit, but I suppose... It matches perfectly. Oh, it matches perfectly! You each put the belt on, and it's hard to remember what happens next. You are seemingly put into a magical sleep. A dreamless sleep. Did we get our old criminal outfits? Like our villain outfits? It's as though...

you are given the things that would eventually make your outfit, but brand new. And you can't tell whether, looking at them, they're either perfect replicas that have been made, or they've somehow been almost stolen out of time and delivered to you. Like, that time you found that coat, it's as if you just pulled it off the rack in that shop that one time. Each of these items is unworn, but very clearly yours. It's as if you've gotten all of those things all in one moment.

Squashed together, if that makes sense. That's really cool. Yeah, it does. Okay. A dreamless sleep takes you. And the next thing that happens, you start to drowsily, slowly wake up. And you find yourself in a bed.

each of you. They're looking around. There are other beds adjacent to you. Looking across the way, there are beds in all directions. A bunk bed. Two, three, four, five stacked all in one row. You seem to be in some sort of elaborate, huge dormitory, the five of you. And

getting up and starting to make your way down the ladders, you can see that there are other people in this space. Hundreds of others of races that you recognize and many that you don't. It's in this dormitory that they are two seeming to come together and you can see each of them wears one of these strange belts. The five of you are clustered together in this strange space. Do you guys recognize anybody here? I turn up a bar. I'll say, uh,

Do you really think we're free? Well, in short, no. I don't think we're free. That man mentioned something about... competing for this power. Perhaps the game has already begun. Truly, we are Cuddlefish Games. What? What's a Cuddlefish? And now we know what to call her. What was that? Oh no! I don't like her odds.

What do you mean? No, we'll all team up and we'll all share the prize. It's going to be a great, not terrible, violent, gory tragedy. It will be wonderful. A gentleman walks up and sort of taps you on the shoulder. Babar. Why? Just a moment ago I was in a strange room and now I'm here. Do you know what this is all about? Why are you talking to me?

Any of you know what this is all about? Yeah, so we were pulled out of prison and we were told that we could have our wildest dreams fulfilled if we win the game. It's critically important that we were pulled out and not broke out so you can't add anything to a rap sheet. I don't know anything about that. Where'd you come from? I was... Did someone put ash in your hand that was kind of cold and then all of a sudden it wasn't cold anymore?

That's exactly right. Yeah, and then did you eat in a room full of Silent Hill pyramid heads? Yes. Silent Hill, exactly. Yeah, and then did you have to put on that weird belt that you're wearing right now, and then you fell asleep and woke up in here? I thought I just fell asleep naturally. And Sean Bean was there, too. And he actually survives the film. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. He actually died. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

Enough of this. Someone tell me what to do. If I have to smash this old man's head in for ultimate power, I'll do it immediately. Hey, calm down. The game hasn't even started yet. Yeah, yeah. We don't even know if that'll work, but it's worth a shot. You know, my way in the game is to keep as many people alive as possible. I have this horrific smile.

goes across my face as I look at Colbert. The dark one is fueled by the brains and visceral of those who don't deserve to die. Do you deserve to die, old man? Yeah, it depends on your definition. Do it. Okay, but what if the game is to keep as many people alive as possible? Then you fail right away and lose. You know, fella, you look like you know a lot about the Haradrim. Ha ha ha!

Come on, if I still won't listen. Have I told you about the Herodron? What the fuck are you guys talking about? Dark one, protect me. Bait him off. Shall we all get ready or shall we say a prayer? What should we do? I'm getting a little nervous now. Normally I prefer it to be dark and spooky in the woods. It's a little pristine for me. I think we just wait for them to tell us what to do next.

As you see, the majority of the people have gotten up and they're all starting to assemble and there are groups who seem to know each other already, just like yourselves. There are loners who either have chosen not to engage with those that they knew in their former time before arriving in this place, or know no one at all, like the old man whose head was almost smashed in by Babar. Give it another 30 minutes. A pair of gates open and

and out come more of these sort of powered suits. You can see that their heads have many different shapes, and if you played Dungeons and Dragons, you would see that they all start with a classic pyramidal shape, making their way up through a cube and up the platonic shapes, until finally having arrived assembled on both sides. Oh!

Oh my god! Inside, what's the singular dodecahedron guy? And he stands there in the middle. Thank you for joining us. Welcome to the game. There's no clapping. Everyone seems confused and just staring up. We are about to begin shortly. Does anyone have any questions?

Wait, why do you have a dodecahedron on your face? Because I am the leader! Why would it be an icosahedron? This is... That's an icosahedron, isn't it? It's an icosahedron. What's the dodecahedron? D12, isn't that maybe? I don't know. I don't know. We should probably double check. This is very important to the plot. Shit.

I haven't said-- I've been getting this wrong for years! I'm just the announcer! He steps aside and the person with the icosahedron head steps in. Excuse me, excuse me, can you icosadieve nuts? You call them immediately and say "dust."

Uh, in embarrassment, the, uh, the Donerka Heaton guy himself is nice and kind. Yeah.

And the Icosahedron guy walks out, clearly the true authority in this space. I was just dating you. That was the first answer. In the past, game one. Wait, what happens if you get your name wrong? Oh my god.

You take inspiration for that. That's knowledge, I'm not kidding. That's probably gonna come in handy. No questions having been asked, the Ikeosahedron guy leads you out and you walk through some sort of Euclidean space of fucking staircases and wandering architecture and bizarre spaces and yeah. I have a question.

Why does it sound like a collection of World of Warcraft taverns in here? Because...

It was like we were in Thunder Bluff earlier. This is the only vaguely upbeat soundtrack that I have. It was kind of, it kind of felt fitting. I was feeling it. I'm getting real tired of your shit, guys. How do we win? Hey, Derek, welcome to Wednesday. Oh, yeah, it's that Wednesday energy. It's tough. It's tough. It's all yours now, buddy. I love it.

You're led through the gate, all of you. You can tell that there are hundreds and hundreds of people who have agreed to participate in this game, and before long, you're taken through one final threshold, and you walk out, and you can see that there's this long, like, almost war-torn battlefield. There are bodies there. There's smoking, uh...

embers in all directions. There's battlements and trenches, all leading to the other side where you can see that there's almost like a thin line that's been painted on the ground. There are walls that stretch up

around this. It's almost as if this place has specifically been fashioned, but there's clearly been a tremendous amount of chaos and damage and perhaps combat in

the middle space here, and looking at it, it looks treacherous. It looks hard, and the guards, including the Aika Sahib guy, is-- You're all being guided and directed to sort of stand in one line for this first challenge. What are you all doing? Well, if we're going to

compete in these cuttlefish sweet sticks. We need to make sure that we have no mercy. We should be prepared to sacrifice every man, woman, and child, anyone that stands in our way. We should be prepared to brutalize them and sabotage them and commit horrible atrocities if someone considered war crimes.

Felpip is right. If this is battle, a battle they will get, and we will emerge victorious. Well, it does look like from the state of this Galtica fricassee all around us that that does seem to be the stakes in hand. Oh, I could, I would kill a man for a stake right now.

right now. Oh! Oh, a steak and cheese. Oh, with mushrooms. And fried chicken on top. Oh! How do I keep picturing you as a chicken guy, not an elephant guy? What is that? I can't get it out of my head.

This is about chicken. Well, is that a race? Because I'll change right now. I'm going to be a rooster. You're a chicken or a cobra. That's canon. That is much better. I'm a chicken or a cobra. It's been that way all since the very beginning. That's right. We're rocking it out. We're going to go way back. Mechanically, we're going to have to... That's a big cock. Laughter

Alright. Alright. Let's clear the board. We're gonna clear the board. Oh, that's funny. I don't violate the O.N. Change your race. That's really good. Y'all are goofy.

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Shroud over Saltmarsh. You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. It's quiet. Too quiet.

I say, I say. The only sound all around you is the shuffling of feet and the murmuring, the confused questions as people are being directed to stand up to this line where the tiles that you're used to having walked through this space end and the beginning of this veritable battlefield begins. You can see soil and...

wreckage and fragmented, like, blast marks in all directions. Still smoke billowing up from some sections. There's been some terrible magical battle that had just occurred here. And peering across the way, you can still see that same line all the way, perhaps 150 feet from you in this space. Please gather, line up in front of...

the line. You're all being directed by... This line? On this side. Amongst the others. Oh, this side? Shit. Oh, just kidding. We're on the same side. Position, position. I was hoping we were going to crash like an amazing battle. One and then the other. Oh my god. Should we alternate, Derek? Yeah, however you want to do it. I think let's alternate. That's more fun. I think we need direction from our DM. Oh my god. Direction from the DM.

Do you want to get the map camera? Very violent. Direction from the DM. There we are. And you can, looking down to your right and to your left, you can see that there are others who are looking across, some with determination, others who are looking left and right, some with confusion. And it's then that the rules are conveyed to you.

To transition through this game and proceed to the next round, one need only walk or run from this side to the other before the timer.

is out and they gesture and on the other side you can see that there's this massive rope, this woven giant rope that's connected to two weights on either side and you imagine that when they fall they will create almost something like a gong sound, like a tremendous sound, but they're being held together by this binding.

And you can see that they are ready to push almost a pyre of fire underneath it to start to burn through the tangles of this woven cord that holds these pieces up together. And then you imagine that you might have very little time once this fire is placed underneath it to make it from one side to the other. And you start to...

Feel the adrenaline pump through your blood start to realize that this is going to be quite a sprint to get from one side to the other You get a sense that that you're waiting because as soon as that initial rule is conveyed one of the people Crosses the threshold immediately jumps through and starts to run well I'm not waiting for anybody and he starts to he takes two three leaping bounds and

jumping forward when all of a sudden the sphere on his belt turns red. Oh, shit!

And the belt shrinks, immediately clenching together like that. He is cut in half, one torso falling down to the other side and a pair of legs taking two additional steps before finally clumsily coming to its own end and crashing in a bloody... That would be an awful way to go. He screams but is quickly stilled from the painful death that you can only imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait until the sound of the gongs before you progress. And just for the sake of clarity, I will convey the remain error of the rules as a game master.

Obviously anyone who fails to make it to the other side by the time the gong goes dies instantly. Attempting to teleport or fly may come with consequences. A player may go-- - Oh no!

A player may go half speed if you want to make some perception checks depending on how quickly you want to go. But at the beginning of your turn, this is the thrust of the game, you get to tell me sort of how fast or slow you're trying to take it. You could go, you know, one, two, you could say, I want to go all five squares. Or you could say, I want to dash and go ten, or however many squares you want to go.

And that will determine for me what may or may not be encountered as you continue to progress across this space. Any questions? I don't think I have any questions. Then I would ask, am I allowed to wild shape? I don't see why you wouldn't be able to wild shape. You can use your abilities to help yourself or to hinder others. And with that, I would ask you all to roll.

Let's fucking go. And some pump-up jams. Nice. Oh!

It's gonna be really funny if going first is not a good plan. Classic the game, yeah. 20 to 30. Classic. 33. Sorry, 23. What kind of walrus are you? Every job. I'm the walrus from Decon Racing. What about 15 to 20?

What is going on here? 10 to 15? I got a 12. I have plus two initiative. D'var's going first. Well, alright. I found it. Well. Zero to ten? I'm gonna five. Five? Nine.

Okay, um, S is going to, uh, oh, top of the round. Um, yeah, S. Did you have someone who wanted dead? Or was that not relevant? No, that was just for the sake of simulation. Because you rolled a 30-fucking-3, you may go first. It's 23. Oh, it's 23? Wow. Go ahead. You last. Um, so now in my full villain gear, uh, I still have those two tusks, because high quality...

It was like a bit of a walrus snout as part of the mask. I have a, it looks like ice, almost like just true ice that never melts, a crown that glints with magic. I look like one of those, wearing the kind of classic vintage Santa Claus outfits where he has a full robe that goes down to his feet, but instead of red, he wears a blue outfit with big black gloves and big black boots.

And say, oh fuck, like I did earlier. I'm gonna turn, look left, look right. And I'll say, cheese it! And the crown will glow with this blue icy light. And I will blip in a flurry of snow. And it is so ethereally beautiful and haunting that, what's the name of B&S?

Oh, um, their race. One to your left is a tiefling, the other to your right appears to be a halfling. To the tiefling, it will be so scary what I did for some reason. He needs to make a, I believe, a wisdom saving throw. Okay. That's going to be a 13.

That fails. Before you teleport, a creature within five feet of you must succeed a wisdom saving throw or be frightened until the end of my next turn. Okay. So-- You teleported? Yes, so this is my Eladrin face step. Oh. Okay.

We'll see what happens. And then I'll just try to use my movement and sprint. You use that ability and a beauty and fear that is instilled in the heart of S in this moment. The tiefling cowers away. Are they conditionally frightened of you? Yep. So they cannot willingly move closer to me while I'm in sight. You attempt to teleport forward. That is so dead.

and you expect to land 30 feet forward, but you instead stay right in place and fall prone. And fall prone? Yes. Oh no. Oh, fuck! So then you can still use half and then dash, right? I can still use half. Oh, one, two. As soon as you take your first step because of what I rolled, I need to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh my god. On the first square. Oh. On the first square, Joe. Oh, shit. Oh!

It's a 10. Should I just let it roll? That's a tough one, dude. The first guy got cut in half, so... I don't think any of us... Well, I'll reserve that. You all deduce that he was cut in half because he broke the rules. Let it run. I'm going to use my inspiration. Okay. Okay.

That's better. 16. With a 16, you are able to move forward and as soon as you take your first step, what appeared to be a natural soil vanishes. It was clearly an illusion and you stare down what is clearly a deep pit. But you are able to catch yourself on the other side and pull yourself up using only an additional five feet of movement. So between prone taking 15, it would have been 10 to get up and onto the next square.

So that is... So I have one, two, three. Yeah. Essentially making it difficult terrain to get across. So five to move off, five to get on here. Yep. And then five to go here. That's correct. And then... And you still have your action, I believe. I do have my action. Okay. I would like to dash. Okay. But if I could just...

Maybe go half speed. You can use, yes, you can treat it like difficult terrain to make a perception check. And I would like to check for traps as I go forward. Okay. Ideas. Oh, that's an 18. With an 18. No, no, sorry, 17. With a 17, you expect that there is a trap. No, 20. Sorry, I'm proficient. No, no, no, I just needed a 15 or more. Okay.

You know that there's something here, but you're not sure what it is. Okay, sweet. Thank you. Damn. Is that the conclusion of your turn? That's it. Okay, S is mechanically frightened of you, and so they need to make a wisdom saving throw at the end of their turn because they cannot move forward. Isn't that correct? They cannot move forward until the end of my next turn, Pam. Okay. Okay.

It just fades, so they don't have to resave. I see. It'll descend. Okay, so they lose their turn, but Bar, you're up. Oh shit, okay. Um, I am, uh, I am going to basically try to do very similar to what the walrus did. I guess I can action dash, but treat it as difficult terrain and perceive as I move forward 30 feet. Okay, make a perception check. Why does it say I have this at advantage?

The fuck? For what? Because of the stealing? I think I had that for Loxodon as well. Because of your plate armor? Is it Keen Senses? Oh, it's Keen Senses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it is the sniff. Yeah, it's the great nose. Well, I still only got a 12. A 12 is not enough. You look and it feels like a straight shot. You're ready to go. Yeah, well then I'll just, I will still use 30 feet of movement.

I'm kind of thinking if I should like zigzag, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, I'm not gonna zigzag, I'm just gonna go for it. It's as you reach that final square that you suddenly realize that you've clicked onto some sort of pressure plate, and all of a sudden you're surrounded by this magical aura. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. Very heavy. And that includes, oh, no. Is it against being charmed or frightened? It is not.

Ooh, 12. 12. I need you to make, to roll 3d4 and take that amount of psychic damage. Okay. As the worst headache that has ever happened hits you, and you are compelled to hit the nearest trap towards you, but I'm gonna say that that's actually nullified because you do not see any traps nearby that you would have to have triggered. Then as a bonus action, I will use, I'm gonna steal a page out of Rich's book

and use my Misty Step, but flavor it as a giant Loxodon jump as I jump 30 feet forward. You endeavor to teleport. I'm casting the spell Misty Step. Since you are endeavoring to do that, you are held by magic, just as the walrus was, and you fall prone on your ass. Man, I was really hoping that was random. Z is up, and Z is going to race forward.

And let's find out what's going on here. They make it five squares forward.

And they need to make a strength saving throw. They succeed, and you see as they reach that fifth square that all of a sudden two massive, like, almost jaws clamp up like a bear trap, but they are able to just jump out of the way and make it to the sixth square. And then those close, and then immediately sink back down into the space. Should I be mocking these? Yeah, put like a B there for bear trap.

And that's gonna be the conclusion of Zarek's turn. Jean-Claude. Oh, actually, no, it's not. They're fucking, they're fine. So they're gonna dash and they're gonna continue on their way. They're gonna make it two more squares and then all of a sudden, a needle hits one of them in the neck and they-- Jesus, which one? They somehow manage to stave it off. So they make it an additional, the full distance. Which is what, one more square?

What was their total movement? 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30? Yeah, so they should get another 30 feet out. 35. Oh, they go dashing! Yep. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 60. Yep, yep, they make it there. And there was a dart trap somewhere here? Yeah, there was a dart trap on the second square through that path. Jean-Claude.

You see all of this happening around you as more and more people are racing in all directions. You're hearing things, screams and terror, but you need to continue to progress. You know that you only have a very limited amount of time before the end. What the heck did we get involved in? I only have 25 feet of movement, and I will try and work my way. Okay.

One moment, I have to figure out. Okay, on the second square, I need you to make a dex 30 saving throw.

17. 17, you step onto what appears to be a mound of dirt and you realize that your foot is passing through it and you make a desperate leap to cross what is clearly a pitfall, but you are able to make it to the other side. And you're able to achieve the full distance. Do you want to dash and continue to go for more? I would like to try. Okay.

You make it the full distance and then you make it one more square. I need you to roll Dexterity Saving Throw. Oh, crushed it. 25. A 25. I need you to roll 6d6 for me. Oh my gosh. What? 6, 11, 17...

18, 23. When you land getting over the pitfall, it gives you a bit of a boost of speed, and you hear this click, and just behind you there's this enormous eruption, an explosion, but it does not send you flying, and you do not take the full damage. Take half of that in fire damage. Oh, wait! As this dynamite massively bursts behind you. Turns out I am all about fried chicken.

Did you say half? Just half. Someone on the family budget. Just half. Exactly right. I'll say, I'll say... Oh, man. B is going to race forward, unless you want to do anything else with your turn. No, that's it. Okay, B is going to make it two squares, and...

I'm sorry, they're gonna make the full distance. I've got these flipped. They make it all the way and then they're gonna dash and continue, yep. What's the movement? 30. Everyone's gonna be 30. Okay. And then they also make it to the very end when all of a sudden,

They have to make a, they get a natural 20, they're fine. The gas that actually erupted just moments again earlier hits them, but they stave through it. They seem to be running almost with their eyes closed, hoping to make it to the other side. Felpiff, you're up.

I'll look around and say, "Everybody do a good job, okay?" I mean, what I mean is, "They have hailed him off the beard of the dark, taken out my blood, my flesh, my skin, and walk." As I'm gonna turn into a gigantic, shaggy, black goat. Nice.

It's a warhorse, reflavored. I'm just going to move 60 feet. Okay. Let's find out if you encounter any traps. You encounter one on the fifth square. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. Oh, that... I don't know. I think that's where I'm a Viking. Oh, no. That would be a terrible trap. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Skill, ability phase, wisdom... Oh, okay.

16. 16 is enough. You are able to stave off, you take the psychic damage, 3d4, roll it for yourself. But you do not feel compelled to race towards the nearest trap. Put T for toxic gas on that one or whatever you're doing. Yep, yep, yep. I take half of this damage? Exactly right. And once you cross the threshold on the sixth space, we're going to do like this. I got a C.

You gotta figure out the warhorse. Okay. So he would have gotten to... five, ten, fifteen, sixteen spaces. It was here that there was a bomb. So he needs to make a dexterity saving throw. Me? Yep. I gotta put my warhorse... thing... of dexterity. 13. 13 is just enough. Roll 66 and take half that, but you're not blown in a random direction.

Damn! So two, okay. I'll roll this. And while that happens, Luna, Elle, is going to sprint forward, go, let's see how far, they're going to go on the first space, they're going to have to make a dexterity saving throw. They fail, they take the full 66 damage, which kills them, actually, because I'm not gonna do that. So they actually land on that,

and I would have rolled a scatter die and they would have fallen a certain distance, but as soon as they step forward-- Where would you like their body to land? Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not? That's gonna be, they fly southwest, backwards, 20 feet. You watch as their body erupts and disappears into nothingness. Glitzy, you see this chaos all around you, what do you do with yourself?

Okay, so are there actually people beside me? Yeah, there's one person. Oh, okay. And this person's over here. But dead. No, no, no, they're frozen in fear. Oh, okay. So they missed their turn. I'm gonna use my movement to move up. Okay, what are you going to do? Are you going half speed to check? How much do you have? 30. On the second square up, you need to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, I am not dexterous.

Eight. Eight. It's a bear trap. These huge teeth come up and clamp onto you. Oh, God, fuck, ow! Oh, my God! 3d12 damage, and you are grappled and restrained. Oh, my God! Holy shit!

New at Arby's. Bogo Tuesdays. And a bogo beef and cheddar. We've got the glyph. You're a grab on the screen. You can use your action to attempt to undo that.

Yeah, I will. Okay, so you, realizing that you're in the middle of these teeth, you attempt to push. I need you to make a strength saving throw to see if you can, I guess it would just be ability check or a strength saving throw to get out of a bear trap. I'm going to go saving throw. It's acrobatics or athletics, right? It's an escape DC. If it's an escape DC. Yeah, acrobatics or athletics. 16.

16 is enough. You are able to free yourself after having gotten clamped. You feel them click back into position and you know that they're primed for another go, but you have the remainder of your movement.

I'll take the remainder of my movement. Oh, how cool. My little leg. And you have a bonus action, if you want to use that. I do have a bonus action. I don't know if there's anything I can do, but I do have one. Let's see. What are these things that are bonus actions? Don't teleport. I was thinking I wouldn't. Oh, wait, my whole thing glitched. No, I'm not going to use it, because my TV on is broken.

All right, monsters. Kay is going to go at half speed to make a perception check. His head's gonna fall off. They're going to fail and they are going to walk forward three squares and then they're going to go diagonally behind Glitzy, seeing that she was able to walk on that path. And then really stop right behind her.

And that'll be Kay's turn. We get to the top of the round, and you can look up and you see this braided cord. The fire is already burning underneath it, and it's quickly fraying and snapping. You expect that there are probably only three remaining turns before... That's cool. And as things are heating up, you worry that the DC might be going up as well. Walrus, you're up. This is so bad. Um...

So I'm going to move five, and can I now see what's... I know that something's here. Can I see what's in front of me? If you're going at half speed, you can make a perception check. No, I already perceived this. So I'm going normal speed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You already perceived that. That's there. So you can endeavor to jump over it. You can go into an adjacent square. I would roll randomly. I'm going to try to wall rush jump over it. Okay. Oh.

because of how jump rolls work, and those of you who are enjoying Pax Unplugged with me know I was looking up jump rolls. It's just your strength. So what is your strength ability score? 10. 10. You would be able to jump it without me forcing you to make a check. Okay. So you land. It still consumes that amount of movement, but you jump over whatever that trap happens to be, and you continue on your way. So then I'm dashing, so I start to hear 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. You land just there. Okay, and then I can...

Now if I go half my movement for my dash, can I make a perception check? Yes. With your dash, you can go half your movement with a perception check, or you can go the full distance and risk it. Okay, I'm going to slow down. Okay, I jumped over where the fuck that was. I'm going to perceive, attempt to perceive.

23. 23, three squares ahead of you, there appears to be something that you've never seen before, but there's a body on the top of whatever this mound is, you can tell that it's got a trip wire. Oh. One, two, this, oh god, I don't know which direction I should go. So it's one, two, if I jump, I can't go further than that, 'cause I'm out of movement.

So I don't think I can go there because of the diagonal. So I'm just going to go... I will say that going diagonally comes with its own risks because of the obvious math of like you're perceiving what's directly in front of you. Who knows what traps might be to your left or your right. Right. I think I'm going to wait right there. You pause, getting to a halt and looking down. Make one more perception check for me.

Nine. Nine. You don't know what's under there. You've not seen a trap. Of all the things happening behind you, even though you're in the lead, there's no way to know what this effect was. It hasn't been seen before. Okay, that's my turn. Silas, S, is going to, now that they're no longer afraid, they're realizing that they are far behind and they're just going to sprint forward.

And they are going to, on the sixth square, they are going to endeavor to make a Wisdom saving throw as magical gas. Just so I know where he's going. They do not succeed. What is the nearest... There's one next to me, but I'm prone over top of it. There's one...

Over here... There's one... That's the closest. That's probably the next closest. Unless he can occupy the same space as me, but it sounds like it's... What is the one underneath you? It's the same thing. It's the exact... No, it was the one that made me run to the nearest, but there was no nearest at the time. This was a bear trap? That was a bear trap. He's going to use the rest of his movement to go to the bear trap. Oh my god. Turning around and getting compelled in this way, they're going to...

Not saved, they take 3d12 damage and you watch them get clenched right at the neck, blood spraying out in all directions, and it eventually resets, but you know they're long dead by the time the body falls. That is the conclusion of Silas. Babar, you're up. So when you jump, is it just one jump?

It's one jump, let's say. So if I dash... I didn't look up whether you can do two jumps in there. No, no, I'm just, 'cause I wanna stay off the ground for as much as I possibly can. I wanna dash and jump. Okay. And I don't... So yeah, a long jump, you need to move at least like 10 feet or 20 feet? Yeah, it's 10 feet. 10 feet. A long jump is 10 feet. So I gotta stand up and use half my movement, which leaves me with 15. But then if I dash, I get 30. Yep. That's right. So I should be able to jump some of that. So you have 45 feet. Right.

And as long as you move 10, then you can jump, I think, your full strength score, which is 20. Or plus 5. I don't know what 20. So I move 10 and see if anything happens before I jump. On the second square. Bastard! I need you to make a strength saving throw. Oh, you're good. Sure. Well, unless I get a 1, right? Oops, I'm getting all markered up here.

I got a 19 total. Okay. You are about to jump, and because of the force of your jump, it is fortunate because the tripwire that triggers all of a sudden a massive catapult flies forward. You take the brunt of it, but you don't take any damage. Instead, it just takes five feet of your movement. Oh, so then I won't jump quite as far. Exactly right. But it would have pushed you back a considerable distance. 510, 1520.

25, 30, but you said with the jump I get a total of 45 instead of the 30? So with the dash you would have had 25. If you move 10 feet, you can jump the distance of your strength score. So 20. Right, but I lost 5, so we'll call it 10, 15, and then I would have 5 more moves. So you got up here, you moved 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30...

And you have 45 total, right? If I dash and jump. Yes. Yeah. So you can keep going, but you... 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40. We'll call it 40 because I lost five feet. Yeah? Oh, yes. That is where you find yourself. Well done. Zarek, Z is up. Where is Z? Z's over here by Felpip. Right next to the giant goat. They're going to...

Yeah, I think that they're just gonna bolt straight forward. Let's find out how they do. They make it five squares before they are hit with a needle in the neck, which forces them to use the remaining 35 feet of their movement to move

literally south. They turn around. They're confused. They get hit, and they just wobble around and suddenly fly and use the remainder of their movement to go in a random direction. They pull it out, and they're horrified to find themselves almost back where they started from. That's the conclusion of their turn. Jean-Claude, you're up.

Well I say friend, that looked pretty bad. How about you get in front of me and sprint as far as you can? I cast Suggestion on Z. Okay, what is it? What I'm attempting to do is have them get in front of my lane and sprint as far as they can on their next turn. They hear your suggestion and they attempt to resist. What kind of saving throw do I have to make? Wisdom save 16. Very clever. They get a 13.

No plus, probably. No plus. I'll then use my standard movement to try and go 25. Okay. Let's see if you make it. You make it one square before I need you to make a... Dexterity saving throw.

12? With a 12, it's not enough. You feel so confident that this person's gonna run in front of you and sort of clear the way for you, having felt the magic lock in, that you don't realize as your leg goes through one of these illusions and you fall full 10 feet down into a pit. You are going to take 2d6 bludgeoning damage and you are now finding yourself at the bottom of this smooth... Uh-oh.

shaft, for lack of a better word. Well, out of the frying pan and into the deep fat fryer! That's pretty good. That's pretty good, Mace. I love this character. Yeah, this is amazing. B's gonna go and B's just gonna race forward. Actually, you know what? They're gonna take their time. Perception check. Did I take damage? I'm sorry. Yeah, 2d6 blood-turning damage. Oh, 2d6, I'm sorry. Do it to yourself. This is going to be...

They make it two squares. Or they see that there is a trap two squares in front of them. Okay. But we don't know what? He does not know what. But he is going to go to the right, and I'm going to quickly see if he hits a trap.

He does. Jeez. And that's going to be a strength saving throw for them. They fail and they're hit by a catapult. They take 3d8 bludgeoning damage and they are knocked back 30 feet. But given the paper thinness of these NPCs, you instead just see their skeleton get knocked out of their skin as they flap back in a disgusting manner. And they have a blood streak that sprays all out in all directions in an extremely violent manner. That's the conclusion of B's story. Felpin, you're up.

I'm gonna look as I see Draculod. All of the things. Well, I'm not-- I'm gonna see--actually, I'm a large--can I get a large token from my guy? Oh yeah, you're large. That can't be good. Like here? I'm like right here? You could have potentially triggered twice as many traps. Oh yeah. Well, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna look at Z. Put him on, though. I'm gonna look at Z.

And I'm going to... Yeah. Anyway. I'm gonna look at Zee, and I'm gonna... I looked down at Don Claude and said, "Let him come here to make friends!" And I'm gonna trot up to Zee and try to grapple him in my mouth. Oh shit. Yeah, okay. How's that fucking work? It's a contest, right? It's an athletics contest, or can I make an attack?

Uh... Grapple's an athletics contest. It's an attack action, and you're just choosing to grapple instead of make a hit, and so it's a contest. Your athletics versus his athletics or acrobatics. I get a 13, and I'm gonna plus zero all these guys, so I get a 13. You have a pretty good plus. I get a 13.

I believe that I had to meet it or beat it, or did you grapple me? You had to meet it, right? Nothing changes if it's equal. Yeah. Okay, nothing changes. He is already starting to follow the will of Jean-Claude, and he's able to push you away, almost stiff-arming you, and you...

And so I'm just gonna use the rest of my movement to go forward 60 feet. All right. So it'll actually- 55. Oh, 55, yeah. You make it five squares before I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. He's in two lanes, by the way. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I haven't thought about that. I didn't think about that. I'm happy to take twice the traps. Uh, dexterity saving throw? Yeah. Well, with using squeezing rules- Five.

Squeezing? Yeah, let me look up the squeezing rules. Squeezing rules? Yeah, there are squeezing rules if you want to get really technical about playing your Dungeons & Dragons. Take 66 fire damage and roll a d8 for me. Well, I keep thinking you're saying 66. You know what I mean? D6. I absolutely get blasted out of my wild shape. 10, 16, 20, 23 points of damage.

That's exactly what I roll. That's wild. So then I take 21 points of damage as Felpep. Ouch. You watch all of you as this black goat erupts into flames like a nuclear bomb going off. Oh, you're going exactly backwards. And in the air, he suddenly shifts flame and flaming fur flying in all directions. You go...

15 feet in the direction that you went. And that's where you land prone. It was just a prank, bro! It was just a prank! It was just a prank! Do you still have whatever you have? If you have any more movement? I can bonus action. I am unhinged now. I can probably bonus action a spell. Is there a bonus action? I don't think I can do anything else with my bonus action. You're on deck, Glitzy. All right.

I'm just gonna go forward. Do you want to proceed for traps? No, I'm just gonna move forward. You're gonna go for it? Okay. I've been rolling really hot the number of traps. You actually make it on the first 30 feet without issue.

Oh, nice. Nice. And now I'm gonna roll again, assuming you're dashing and moving forward. Yeah, that was the plan. What's the C? You know there's one there. That's a catapult, so you know you probably want to jump over that. Yeah, I would like to jump over that. Yeah, you can clear it, as long as you have, like, five feet of jump. You jump over that, and on the...

Fifth square. Wait, what do you need to jump? This is your strength score. I'm sure yours is at least ten. My strength is plus zero. Yeah, which is ten. Yeah, ten. That's the fifth square. She's got one more square of movement. On the fifth square, I need you to make a strength saving throw. I'm going to go ahead and use my inspiration that you gave me for winning that one thing. Yeah.

That was a complete waste. A three. Actually, no, it was a five, because it was my first one. I'm sorry, Quincy. Take 3d8 bludgeoning damage, and you are knocked back as this catapult emerges from the ground, smacking you, and you fly back. It's like in one of those animes where somebody gets hit really hard and they slide on their feet in a long rail-like direction. You are going back 30 feet.

Oh god. Well, you got that far behind. You have actions and bonus actions if you want to do anything else with your turn. Didn't I dash with my action? Oh, you have a bonus. I don't have any bonus actions. Kay is up. No problem. I'm trying. Kay is going to go, seeing that there has been a lot of movement here, very confidently going to walk up behind Glitchy again. 25. You won your

and take your own path, you little bitch. Kai helps those who help themselves. I can't see past your hand. There's a couple of catapult traps. They're going to attempt to move diagonal up to the right, and then dash and continue forward. That was 25. 30. Well, could he have moved? Okay, so they'll have dashed when they made the diagonal.

I am very short as a fairy, so they could potentially jump over me. No, I'm going to keep with it. So the diagonal action being what it is at the beginning of the dash, they can move an additional five squares, I think. And it's on that final square that they're going to need to make...

A needle constitution saving throw, it hits them, they pull it out, and they are not compelled to move in a scatter-like direction. That's the conclusion of their turn. Top of the round. Walrus. Very cool. If I have five feet of jump, standing jump, does that give me enough clearance just to jump this one square?

Yes. Okay. So I'm gonna jump as part of my movement. One, two, three. I think I'm gonna go half speed and just keep perceiving. Okay, make a perception check. Nine. That is not enough. You do not know if there are any traps in front of you. So then given that, then if I dash, I can decide to either go...

If I dash and then go my movement again, do I get another check? Or do I get a-- is it for every 30 feet, like every full-- Yeah, that's the intent. Got it. So then, what I will do is I will now dash. Okay. And do another perception check. Damn. Brutal. Yeah, seven. Okay.

I'm just gonna go. Looks clear. You're starting to run, race forward, and you feel like you've entered a trench, and you can see that line getting closer and closer. While just under the frame cord is starting to break away, you make it three squares forward from the current position that you're in before I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. Is that just your last twerp?

Did I make it, Redfarm? Three squares. Three squares. I was assuming that you meant from the dash. Oh yeah! I should know where to put the trap, that's all. I think right here? I thought so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a B there because you jump and land over a primed bear trap. It's just underneath you and you can almost feel the bottom of your robes fray, but it does not stick into your muscle, bone, or flesh and you land just at the corner ready to sprint forward for more.

Anything else on your turn? That's it. Badass. So if I understand it correctly, I can dash for 60 and jump for 20. It's a total of 80 movement. No, you can never exceed your distance. Okay, that's what I wanted to make sure. Then I'm going to take 10 feet of movement and see what happens before I jump. Okay, let's see. If you hit anything, you do not hit anything. Now I'm going to jump 20 feet to not touch those squares and attempt to avoid contact with the ground. That typically would be a wise choice.

The fifth square from where you started was where the trap was. So you went 20 and then you went 40, so... So I've gone 50 movement, which means I have 10 more movement for a total of... Oh, you went 50 movement? Well, no, no, it was 10 and then 20. I'm dashing. So you've only gone 30. Oh, yeah, 30. Sorry, I have 30 more. Where were you? No, no, no, no, you've gone...

No, you're doing it on 30. If I move 10 and I jump 20. Yeah, yeah, I rolled a 5, so it should be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. That's where the trap is. Oh, so that's where you landed on the trap. 30 should be 6 squares. So if you... 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, yeah, so this was your jump and it landed on the square that has the trap. I'm sorry, that just is how the dice roll. I'm gonna need you to make a strength saving throw. Sure.

17. 17. You land and a catapult goes off, but because you were jumping, you were able to angle it so you shoot straight up and then land back directly in your space. You seem safe and fine to go. Then I still have 30 feet of movement. Exactly right.

I'm just gonna keep going. 510, 5020, 1530. You're feeling that line, it's just there. Let me see if you made it to those remaining things. You do. There was no traps on that entire path. No bonus actions. Zarek, Z is up. They are going to sprint forward as well. You're theoretically compelled to get in front of me and sprint as far as I can. You're right. Where are you? Z is here. So they just go 1, 2, 3, 4...

They attempt to, but it's on the square immediately adjacent to Jean-Claude that he is going to fail at a toxic gas trap.

The wisdom saving throw fails. He takes three, four psychic damage and is immediately compelled to go into the nearest trap. But because these minions have absolutely no health whatsoever, he dies from the needle and the body falls down next to you, Jean-Claude. That's the conclusion of Zarek. That was Zarek's story. Jean-Claude, what's the rest of yours?

Well, nobody defeats Jean-Claude in the courtroom, or in a dead man's wonderland! That's a very good reference. And I try and, if I can,

I now have a flying speed, and I'd like to just try and fly out of the hole onto the lip and then continue to run forward. With the flying speed, you've seen that teleportation and looking around watching the chaos, because remember, there are dozens and dozens of other people that are also attempting to use their own racial features. The flight has the same effect as teleport. It knocks your...

wings seem to get clipped almost and you immediately land back on the ground. But you give it a shot and it seems that you're able to use your flight to at least get to the lip of the pitfall and are able to get up and out without any issues. So take 10 feet of movement from your current amount of movement and get in to make it to the next square. Okay.

So I have 15 feet of movement left. Oh! But after I said that, I meant to cast Bardic Inspiration on myself. Come on, Jean-Claude! You can do this! Come on, Jean-Claude! And I'll try and move-- so, five-- he's here? Yeah. So this is a difficult turn? Hold on, hold on. Where are you? Right behind.

I was in the pit, and then 10 brought me here, so I have 15 feet of movement to get here theoretically. I'd say that you could make it there. I need to make a dexterity save. No, Uvda.

21. 21 succeeds. Take half of 6d6 damage as this massive explosion almost erupts all around you. However, the person behind you, Kay, is not. Is that Kay? Yeah. Kay is not as successful, and they are blown to bits, and they fly back, turning into nothing but red jello. You're on that square I'm waiting for it to draw. 6d6.

Alright, and I will attempt to sprint the rest of my movement forward. Okay. Are you going to use a perception check to go half speed, or are you going to take this as risk? Yeah, yeah. I'll just go on, I'm just cruising. It's only five, it's only five. Only have 25. On the third square from where you started, I need you to make a wisdom saving square as magical gas emerges from all around you, your feet clicking on a pressure plate you didn't quite notice in time.

Use a twist. Just use a twist. I'll use a twist? It's not a natural one. That's... There's at least... Ten. You take 3d4 psychic damage. Oh no.

Oh no, that's not good. How much movement do you have remaining? None. None? Well, if I hit it on the third, I would have ten feet of movement. You will turn around and run back into the bomb in a moment. Yeah, you can't get there. You can't get there. Okay. Pretty good on this damage. And that's just full of damage. Oh, shit. Psychic poison or whatever? Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay, okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Okay? Okay. But you do not hit the bomb. Right before you reach the bomb, you... What am I doing? And you realize that you've been compelled by the needle to flip around. What good happens? What am I doing? You turn, realizing that you've lost ten feet from your goal to not die in this nightmare battlefield. Felpiff, you're up. Uh...

I'm gonna look at you thinking, no hard feelings, right? Oh, no! I didn't try to... I didn't try to drag another guy on top of you or nothing. That was on its own. And I'm going to... As I'm gonna turn into a goat again and just try to leap over. So I'm gonna go ten feet and then leap over the bomb. And then...

I can move 60 as my movement. So we're the hell are alone. You make it four squares, and then I need you to make a Dexterity saving throw. I fail. You take 3d12, slashing damage, and you are grappled and restrained. Bear trap? Bear trap. I'm pretty sure this knocks me out. 3d12. Come on, if I don't get 19 damage...

What the hell? I mean it! You were six off of max. Holy shit! This is blood and rage. So hold on, I need to find my takeover damage. So 19 just there, and so I take an additional 11. It is a miracle that you have this health pool. Oh my god.

Because you would be dead six ways of Sunday, guys. I had almost 40 additional hit points. That's insane. Yeah, because of Wild Shape. I love Wild Shape. Unbelievable. I think you don't have your action anymore. No, that's it. That's it? Okay, you are stuck and you can feel the warm blood trickling in the inside of your clothes. Oh, that. Holy shit. Glitzy, how you doing? Okay.

This is really scary and I don't want to deal with all of this. But I really want to be a pop star, so I'm just going to run forward. You know where these traps are. I do know where those are, so I'm going to try and jump over those. 10, 20, 25, 35, 40, 45. You're all right. 50, 55, 60. You're all right. Holy shit. Jesus.

Oh god of pop stars, Simon Cowell, please protect me while I'm here. You hear this loud twang over the screams of your friends, the fellow inmates that you only knew in prison for perhaps weeks, days, months, years. You see people exploding, people attempting to drag others and throw them into bear traps. You see people disappear into the floor through illusionary

pitfalls. Above all of this, you hear this twang and all of a sudden you see a single red thread between the band holding these last counterweights. It seems that the fire has burned through all of them. There is very, very little time remaining before they close off of this insane race that you find yourself a part of. Walrus, you're up.

Do I think that this is the last round or we'll have one more round after this? That's a great question. I'm running out of tricks, guys. We have to get across this line, right? This is interesting. So do I just run for it? Uh, yeah.

There's no way, 'cause he, you'd be fucked. Um, if I perceive-- He might just be. He might just be fucked. Derek did tell us to prepare for our character. He said this shit was deadly as fuck. I think I need to go for it. I'm going to go one, two, three, four. You make it onto the third square. I need you to make a strength saving throw. What's the range of your aura? Oh, it's only like 10 feet. I will double check.

But it's pretty much-- I'm within ten feet, that's it! I'm within ten feet. Yeah, ten feet. Ten feet. Nineteen plus whatever plus-- Oh yeah, there you go. You lose five feet of movement, but a catapult springs up and you're able to take the brunt of it with your shoulder and it immediately claps back down, primed again, but you are able to safely move across that square. Now let me see if I-- as you cross the threshold of six square--

you are able to continue to progress. You just jump over the line and you slide. You see that there are very few others who have made it at this point, but there are those who have also crossed this threshold. And with a sigh of relief, you feel the safety of being across the threshold. A bar. I move 10 feet. I basically just have to roll a one or a two. I jump across the finish line. Yes. You need to make a dexterity saving throw. No!

On the first square. Oh! Oh! Brutal. This is not where I'm a viking. It's this one here. Come on! One good roll! What kind of trap is it? I'll just mark it. Dex? I don't know. We're gonna find out here in a second! You get it. 20! Take half of 66 damage, but you do not have to roll the scatter die. I will happily take the damage.

That's gonna be 11, 12, 13, another 11 is 24, plus five is 29, half of that is basically 15.

You hear this enormous eruption behind you and you can feel the heat on the back of your head, on the back of your arm. The explosion blasts across the finish line. But you are blasted past the finish line and you're smoking, you roll across the line realizing that you are perhaps safe at least for this round. That is the conclusion of your turn. John Claude. John Claude, I don't know if we're gonna make it.

I cannot wait. I look at him and felt it, but he's just had a massive gargantuan thing. He's like, he's all, ah! We have twists. We have twists. Well, Phil, you basically don't have enough. You were a good friend. I try with all my might. I'm going to tell you about it.

Five, ten, fifteen. Do you still have any wild shapes left? No. No! Oh, fuck. You jump across twenty other- Twenty-five. Okay. And you, uh, you use your dash to continue? If I may- You didn't hit a trap. Ah, yes, dash. I use my dash to continue. Dash like your life depends on it 'cause it does. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty,

25. Make a... There it is. ...dexterity saving throw. We're on top of pitfall territory. Natural 1. We're twisting it. We're twisting it! Roll a different one! I'll roll a different one. Roll these pretty ones. A lover's rose gave us a twist, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, chat.

I hope you all still got your bets. Okay, okay, okay. So dexterity saving throw, 22. 22, you do not fall in, you do not take the damage, you are able to glide across the square and get to your final square here. Oh no. So we'll see if you-- Oh, that is gonna be brutal. I hope you have one more turn. As a bonus action-- Ah, shout out.

Philpip, if you ever need it, take my card. John Paul Delafonte. Yeah! And I toss back, and I swim through the air, I fly out, and engraved...

Engraved business card. It says Jean-Claude Elephante, but the elephant is crossed out and I haven't fixed it yet. Jean-Claude Cockafonte. Please, please. Can I give you Bardic? Jean-Claude, Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude, Jean-Claude. Dear Dark One, get even at the watermark. I pick up one. Come on, I'll have it.

And a tear rolls down his face. Oh god, Felpip's not gonna make it. Come on, buddy. Is it my turn? You got it. Is he no longer restrained? No, I'm restrained. Oh yeah, you are restrained. You gotta stop by making a spring saving throw. Now what I will say is you just need to beat the escape DC, which currently is 16.

So that's enough. Is this free though? I'm not gonna make it cost anything. We have twist. Free object interaction. Oh god. Strike? Is it athletics or acrobatics? It's either, right? We decided it was a grapple, so acrobatics or athletics. You gotta be good. Skills. Where's my skills?

Mechrobatics is a 15. I'm gonna use as I... And I'll take the business card. And try to jam it in, adding five.

I get out! I get out! Okay. You still have your movement. Thank you, Douglas. I'm sorry. I'm saying the terrible tragedy that I dread betrayed. Oh, I see what you mean by free, because without his action, he wouldn't be able to dash. Exactly right. Well, Jean-Claude breaks another out of-- That should have cost your action. So you stole your full movement, but it did cost your action to do that. Okay. I'm just gonna go for the straight line. Barely gonna make it. Nothing. Wow. No way.

Is that it? It's done. Okay. I'm gonna do a bonus action. Oh, I beat him up. Please, look. I don't wanna die anymore. Not the healing word. I take it all back. I take it all back. Healing word. Okay, Glitzy, you're up. Okay. Well, I saw what the walrus did, so I'm gonna jump to where the walrus was, 'cause I know that spot was safe.

I was this way. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm trying to jump there. Here? Yeah. I'm saying you should just jump that way, right? I don't want to go diagonally because I know that diagonally is fun. Getting, we're told, getting, going left or right, there will come a risk just crossing into that lane. This one's unknown. But if you jump over it. If I'm jumping over that,

because I don't know what's there and jumping to a safe spot. - Oh, you wouldn't have the distance to jump diagonally but you could jump horizontally. - Yeah, so I'm just trying to jump from there to there because I know that this was safe. - No running jump gets her there safely. - And then I want to jump over the catapult trap and then use my movement because I know all these spaces were safe because you walked on them already. - Yeah, they're good. - To get to the-- - That's brains. That's fucking glitzy brains. - That's clever. - Very nice. You have a tremendous amount of respect for the explosive display you've seen on this battlefield and as you cross, you're just smiling.

I got this. I had to listen to that dead guy. I told myself that I would leave the last round to chance.

So whether or not you get an additional round to attempt to make it across is based on this d20 roll And it's a death saving throw okay roll it publicly. I have to Do you have the skulls and the hearts? I don't! Wait, quick question. Do we looking at this whole layout do we get any kind of sense that if these things fall and gong

that the sound would trigger something bad, or? You get the sense that when this bond breaks, that those counterweights will fall, that it will no longer be possible to cross this battlefield. Oh, okay. And you watch as the threads break and twist away, and you can see but a silver strand there in the center.

The heat is hitting it. It is almost there on the breaking. I need to get a 10 or higher. If I do, then you will get an additional round. That's it. 17. Oh my god.

Jean-Claude, you're up. Top of the round. The screams are getting fewer, the explosions quieter, they're dull and happening. Most people are either dead or barely struggling to get across the side at this point. You can see that some people have been dazed for this entire time, poisoned, other traps that you haven't even seen, but all that matters is getting across before this final thread breaks. I spray as fast as I can. I'm not even careful about it.

How many squares? He already has one, two, three. Three. There are three. You see a third square in. Oh! Oh my god! I was gonna say, if there was any time to go slow and perceive, it's only when you have two. I'm too scared. I'm scared. There's a silver strand above me. I need you to make a strength saving throw. Oh no. This one, this one. This one is a little more for you. Here we go. DC 16. That looks good from here. What is it? What's your strength? What's your strength? You might not have... Give him twists.

Just twist him, twist him, twist him. I used my own business card. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You notice the spelling error and you tear it up. Yeah! Yeah!

You get hit by this catapult, but you don't care. You push into it and rolling over, you find yourself on the other side of the line and you look over and you see that Felpip is struggling. Felpip. Man, this is brutal. We've had a lot of things break our way, Felpip. I don't know, brother. I'm gonna take the first step.

I roll two ones. Make a dexterity saving throw as a bomb explodes the moment you put your phone down. That's good. That's good. That's gonna pass. Someone rolled 66 damage for him. Yeah, it's more that I'm worried about his total health.

He healing worded though. Yeah! He got max healing. Exactly 16. Exactly 16. Unreal. So I'm gonna take half? And no top. Half and no top. It explodes. 18, 9 points of damage. How many squares does he go? He's got 5 left. He has 1, 2, 3, 4 in the danger zone and the 5th is safe. So there's 4 danger zones. How is it? 9 points. 9 points of damage. And that's half. He's clear. Ah! Ah!

The thread breaks and you turn and you watch. There are dozens of people still on the battlefield sprinting as quickly as possible, some getting hit by catapults, others narrowly dodging other exploding landmines, and all of a sudden, as soon as these counterweights fall, they trigger the magic. Everyone inside of the battlefield feels their belts suddenly clench in the exact same way that you saw earlier when that person broke the rules. Jesus.

and you hear the simultaneous scrunch and screams of terror. They don't last very long, but the five of you are still alive. - So much had to break our way. - You're a menace. - What a terrible tragedy, so much life lost. - But that's not where we'll end tonight's session.

Another voice speaks.

- You're from chat, you beast. - That's amazing. - Another voice echoes.

Oh, mother--! Says another voice.

I love all of this. This was actually exciting. All bets have been placed, a final voice speaks. The competitors will now rest and preparations are already underway. We hope you have enjoyed this first phase of the game. And that's where we'll end tonight's session. Oh! I died! Unbelievable. Ugh. Ugh.

What a session. I already have my favorite moments. This is amazing. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Adventures podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud Over Saltmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legendsofadventures.

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