Cuttlefish Sweepstakes | Ep. 2 | Trunks of War
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. You live to see another game. The air crackles with arcane energy as you find yourself standing safely on the other side of a blood-soaked battlefield. The acrid scent of burnt earth fills your nostrils and the fading cries of fallen competitors lingers in the air. Before you can fully comprehend your victory, an eerie voice resonates in the air.

Congratulations, survivors. It echoes. But do not revel in your success just yet, for this was only the first trial. As the voice fades, a blinding light hits you as two doors open, revealing the otherworldly dormitory on the other side. You and the other survivors shuffle through the portal and into the space to find a veritable feast has been prepared for you.

You are able to find nearly any delicacy and libation your heart desires. But the meal is a quiet one, as you absorb the terrifying trial you just endured, and you grapple with the inevitable fate that now faces all but one of you.

Above you there is a beam of light, and before you a simple but elegant chest appears, floating in midair. The eerie voice booms forth once more. You have been invited to participate in a series of challenges, pitted against one another for our select clientele.

This is the grand prize. The chest opens and you watch in amazement as hundreds of streams of energy begin to swirl down and into the chest, each one glowing with brilliant radiant light. Only one survivor will claim it. The rest will meet their demise.

The chest slams closed and is surrounded by a golden globe of magical force. "To the victor, we offer the chance to become a god. Survive and these spoils shall be yours," the voice promises. "Fail and your very existence will be erased from memory."

The air grows heavy with tension as the gravity of your situation sinks in. You were a prisoner, set free only to become pawns in this sadistic game. The rules are unclear, your path to triumph unknown. The only certainty is that the path to victory will be deadly. Brace yourselves for the cuttlefish sweepstakes has only just begun.

And that's where you find yourselves, sitting in the dormitory, looking up at this protected chest and feeling still the scrapes, scratches, and injuries of your experience not but an hour ago. Wow, so many people died.

I look up at the chest. This is really on the nose. Hey, announcer guy, given how on the nose this is, is there a way that we can unanimously agree to, you know, walk away and earn some sort of amount of money?

No! Stop asking! Fuck! Damn it! Do we have any idea how many people didn't make it? You think that probably more than half of the people who originally were participating died in the onslaught, the gauntlet of that battlefield. There are still hundreds of people around you, perhaps 300 all told, but that isn't to say that you didn't just witness the deaths of hundreds of people.

It's shocking that so many survived, given the treacherous nature of that. Wow. It screams of agony with this music to my ears. I mean, I'm so sorry to hear all the friends dying. That said, I'm not here to make friends.

Oh, and I'm so glad, Jean-Claude, that you made it, and that we both made it together, and I was trying to help you earlier and not kill you to remove one more obstacle. I would like to present the Exhibit A! On your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

Well, uh... That's not very friendly. Batball, isn't becoming a god kind of your whole thing? You didn't shut the fuck up about it in prison! It's the only thing that I have desired for the last nearly a decade. Well, only one of us is gonna survive? Yeah, I mean, the dark one that stalked the woods will give me the power to become a god and set it aside, probably, at its right hand. But I mean, good luck, everybody. I think we'll all win and we can share it together, I guess.

I don't like those odds! The odds are not good. But we're here, and the only way out is to be the sole remaining winner. Oh. Do you think that there are any rules about, like, murdering our competitor than the in-betweens?

This horrific, like, awful, evil smile, like, curls up around Memar's face as he looks at Felpeth. Oh yeah, 'cause I mean, gosh, I hope nobody does that. I hope nobody poisons the canteen with horrible, toxic blight, uh, curthed by the horned king himself. I can't believe that, like, in an unnamed amount of time,

Oh no! And horns.

There aren't any horns here. And hooves! I look over at a goat guy who's got horns and hooves. There aren't any horns or hooves here. He catches your eye and he's like... Well, I thought... I mean, they're not that small. They're actually average. My horns have an average size. If you look at the typical average of a fader...

And you know they say the size doesn't really matter, they think they can be too big and it hurts. I don't think anybody says that. Well, no, they say it, they say it. They really do say it. Trust me, I know. Oh!

Well, are you implying that you're going to survive? Oh, no, I was just thinking about what was going to happen, but now that my attention's drawn to Felpip, you've got such tiny, cute little wands. Has anyone ever told you that? Yeah, all the time. And who? I'm very self-conscious. I mean, I don't really care about it that much at all. And it's definitely not the reason why I went down the path of darkness and sacrificed a teenager. I'm sorry, you did what? What? Huh? I mean...

The sacrifice is more of like, "Oh, you know, everyone's like, 'Let's go off in the woods and party! Oh no, that's a horrible beast that talks the woods! How can we have foreseen this?" Well, that's definitely not you, though, because you're so small and cute. Oh yeah, exactly right, I'm very cute. I couldn't hurt a flea. Especially not a flea if it was a bunch of humans. Hey, voice! Is there any rules about murdering each other outside of the competition? Silence.

I'm going to go to where the food is. You go to where the food is and are delighted to find that almost any item that you could imagine is on this long, long, long table ready for the picking. And there are people who are seemingly...

not just from the mortal plane, but from all over different planes of existence. And so there's a lot of unusual food fodder, as well as common food like you would find in any old fantasy tavern, like a grilled cheese sandwich. We all heard it! You better be different! I missed that one.

You said, "Anyway, it's fine." Someone look, look! You hit God and a bunch of cum at the food station. You said "cum" and then you paused. And so I said "ew." Oh, that's funny. Yeah. No, it was. Anytime we make that joke. Still hilarious every time. It's very funny.

You eat, you rest, and it seems that as the lights are sort of dimming that the expectation is that you'll find yourself a free bed and sleep through the night in hopes for the recovery that comes with it to prepare for the game in the morrow. Do I get the sense if I attempted to cause chaos and pandemonium and murder that...

that I would get caught. Make a perception check. Oh, wow. I'll use one of my twists of thread. That's not-- Oh, I got a poison! Look at that! Oh, shit. There's a dragon type.

What the fuck? Hold on. Perception? Say okay, we'll use a squishy dice. Oh gosh, 14. Come on, man. It's like you didn't even watch the series. They didn't start killing each other until almost the very end. Oh no. They had to let the tension go. I haven't seen the series and they also didn't have Selphie in that shit. That's true. 14 of all things?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Steal. Perception, perception, perception, perception. Oh, I'm not proficient. 18. Perception, perception, perception. 18. With an 18, you see that these sentries are positioned all along the perimeter of this room. The pyramid heads continue to stand, vigilant as always. You are not sure whether or not they would intervene in such an act. No, no, no.

Well, I suppose I could use summon conjure animals and summon a bunch of poisonous snakes. And just kind of go and whistle and whistle while they go around and try to bite and poison people. Okay.

I'm gonna go into the bathroom. I follow him in the bathroom. Oh, my stomach. Oh, gosh. All the grilled... I ate too many grilled cheeses.

I think he ate too much of the gum that they had laid out on that table. I ate too much. Please don't say that. Please don't say that. I ate too much grilled cheese. Too much grilled cheese. I shanked Philpip in the shower.

I don't go to the bathroom. You're so well decked out with your fuckin' like adventuring gear. You've got everything that you need. You've got a shank. I still pull out a shank from a- It's like a whittledown fork. I thought- I assumed it was gonna be a whittledown, uh, candy cane. No, it's like a- it's- it's- it's a whittledown bone from like a piece of meat from the- Oh yeah. It's like a bone shank from the- You've still got the prison mindset. I like that. Oh yeah.

How long were you in that prison, Walrus? I don't know, you tell me! It's your backstory. Three days. It was three days. You really took to it quick. You never got a chance to shank. You were looking forward to it. Yeah, I heard a lot about the shankins. So we're still in prison, it's just a different flavor of prison. Yeah, it's just a nightmare prison. So what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to go into the bathroom

and we don't have to RP this. But, ah! We don't have to RP this, as he starts to RP this. Oh, my tummy, I ate too much grilled cheese. Oh, God, this is gonna be, oh, God, this is gonna be the ritual of the dark one. Oh, gosh, oh, my God, this is gonna be-- I forgot I'm lactose intolerant. Oh, no. This is gonna be worse than that time at Richard's Rhyfox in front of us.

That's very funny. And I would like to, what is the, what do you call it? I have this prepared. I can't find the rules. Conjure animals at a third level, and I would like to conjure eight poisonous snakes. Okay. And I want to do those things where... Do you control the snakes? Yes. Should we just...

I would be so happy. If you were to summon greater demons and they just go eat shit? They're friendly to you and your companions. So technically rules is written, not to be that guy, but technically either the DM decides or the DM randomizes it in some way what animal you summon. Oh, really? I know we've always done it where the player chooses, but... I should probably read the spell. Conjure animals? Just wanted to throw that over to you. Thank you.

ConjGroove. It says choose one of the following options: one beast, two beasts, eight beasts. Yeah, you can choose beasts, eight beasts. You just didn't realize there were gonna be wombats. I'm gonna try to do poisonous snakes. And so what I'm trying to do is, you know, how, uh... Count Dooku hired...

Jango Fett to kill Padme. And so then Jango Fett hired Zam Wessel to kill Padme. So then Zam Wessel hired a robot to kill Padme. And then the robot hired bugs. That checks out. I'm just trying to do that last part. Just skip it. I'm trying to cut out the middle man. I'm just trying to cut out the middle man.

So you are dipping two eight beasts of challenge rating one quarter or lower. I am trying to summon eight poisonous snakes, which is one eighth. You accidentally summoned a giraffe. Okay. Bad boy, watch out! Some poisonous snakes!

It could definitely be eight camels. Yeah, I wasn't kidding about giraffes. Ponies, frogs, seahorses, owls. Seahorse. Scorpions, weasels, vultures. Well, it has to be from the one-quarter slot, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's all, that's all, that's one-eighth. Six. Oh, one-quarter, oh my god, there's even more. Ten.

You are in one of the bathroom stalls and evering to cast a magical spell. Oh boy. Conjure animals. Yeah. And you think and you focus really, really hard on giant poisonous snakes. Not giant. Just regular poisonous snakes. It's one quarter CR, right? Oh, I was going to do one eighth CR. So yeah, actually I'll do giant poisonous snakes. Well, it doesn't say you can do one eighth.

You can do... Or lower. Right, but it's eight of one quarter, or eight of one eighth, or eight of zero. So do you want the weaker of the snakes? 'Cause they're more stealthy. 'Cause they're small and they're stealthy. They're smaller. Oh! They're less disruptive. You want the... Oh yeah, no, it's the bugs that the robot hired, that Sam Wessel hired, that Daniel Fett hired, that Count Doody hired. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep up, Derek. Yeah, come on, Derek, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm sorry, I had a big sandwich and I'm slow.

Yeah, okay. Oh, the snake and cheese. You focus on the poisonous snakes and beseech your patron. And looking down into the toilet bowl, all of a sudden you see, conjuring eight regular-sized poisonous snakes. And they're all immediately doing this, like out of a basket, looking at you.

Dark One, Sneaky Snake, beat them Sneaky Snake, and kill the competition. I'm not here to make friends. And I'll look at the camera. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, I thought that after the first trial that we really had to clear out the competition, and I'm not here to make friends. So I thought that, you know, why not just kind of do it in between games, too, with Sneaky Snake, thanks to the powers of the Dark One.

You step out of the-- Also, Don Claude would not stop snoring. I hope he gets it. The woodblock sound effect. Remember Paul's drag race? It's from all of that reality TV. You conjure these snakes from nothing but your magical connection to your dark lord, and...

Do you send them on your way? Do you give them commands or do you-- I'm going to say go, because they're inherently friendly to me and my companions. So I'm pursuing the party. Oh. So basically just go and sneakily bite and poison and kill whoever feels, you know, be predators. Okay. How long do they last? An hour.

It's only gonna take a few people to get bitten before like panic erupts and like, killing each other. Yeah, yeah, and so the idea is that, yeah, I wanna cause utter chaos. They slink out of the bowl and start to hug the walls and make their way, some of them going up into the ceiling almost and immediately shrinking and starting to go into the dormitory itself. You step out of the stall,

feeling pleased with yourself that perhaps there will be fewer competitors between you and the ultimate prize. As you do, another individual steps out of the stall across from yours, and he looks at you sort of shocked for a moment. Oh, I should have shut the door. And then he hurriedly makes his way out, and you can see some snakes coming out of his bowl. What? Not again! Absolutely chaos. What?

I guess you should roll a stealth check and I'm not sure how to do this in mass, so I'm just gonna roll a few. So stealth, I can roll stealth for all of them. I'll do a blanket one. Yeah. Stealth is a 15. Okay. That's pretty good. Okay. And then I can make some attack rolls. It's only 1d1 piercing damage, but then 2d4 poison damage.

If they fail a constitution saving throw? Half as much. Okay. So the idea is to basically, like, bite people and... And there are eight of them. There's eight, yeah. So roll a d8. Okay. Five. Roll five attack rolls. It's like war game style. Yeah, right. However many hit, then you roll for... Toughness versus wounds. Yeah, wow. Twelve, miss, natural one, and then two 19s. You have twists. Twists.

I'm saving him. Two 19s? Yeah. Two 19s and then a 12. Um.

One of them fails, so they'll take the poison damage. You have, I think, an innate connection with these conjured snakes. You can sort of get a sense of where they are. Maybe not see through their eyes, but you know that they continue to exist. As in the Garden of Eden. When all of a sudden you all hear the screams, the shrieks. Oh my god, it's snakes! And one person falls and tumbles from the top of his bug bed area.

slamming to the ground, clearly killed from snakebite poison. Another person clutches their arm and grabs the end of a snake and starts whipping it around, attempting to kill it. He does so quickly. You can see that there's quite a spectrum of power levels across the board here. The first individual was no stronger than but a simple farmer, whereas the other was more of a barbarian and shrugs off the poison before--

before tearing your snake into pieces and of course it vanishes into magic. The pyramid heads make no move to intervene or interfere. They simply watch the goings on. And people start getting very, very suspicious and pretty soon everyone is very much on alert. Trying to get rest for the coming trial but certainly now aware that the-- There are snakes afoot. There are snakes afoot.

All run out. Oh my god, did you see the snake? I can't believe one almost got me! Oh, my whole life was flashed before my eye, the sweet release of death was ahead of me. I mean, no! What do you call these, grilled cheese? I have a plethora of like 30 grilled cheeses. Oh no! No, it's pretty good, I should probably try another. I'll look around very disappointed. You can go for the Barbarian of the Naventure, go for the Peasant of the Pavilion. Jean-Claude is having a bucket of fried chicken.

I say, what do you call this? Pride's a pride? I do have a whore of the taboo of cannibalism. He dies of shock. I say for no reason, I say for no reason. I know it's wrong, but lord is it delicious. Oh man, brutal. Are any of you doing anything else with your time? This sounds like another night in prison. Um...

I go to bed immediately. "Oh, I'll nurse this snakebite wound, thank goodness! I sucked it all out myself!" Do we perceive that Felpip did this? Can I roll something to like, just to see if I know that he... Yeah, you can. I would say roll an insight check in advantage. Oh, an advantage? Because you know Felpip and his... You've known him for three whole days. For three whole days you've known him.

19 and a 20! Wow! Oh, that's pretty good. Insight! 22. Damn. Yeah, you immediately, as soon as he came out of the bathroom, Smirk, you had a sense that he was up to mischief. And as soon as you heard the screams about snakes and the initial kerfuffle, you made the connection that Felpip had already started to whittle down the competition.

Was that you? What are you talking about? It's the same and not a snake. No, I'm just... Yeah. I mean, when they all came out of the bathroom, I figured there was various snake villains, like snake-themed villains. Yeah, there's so many snake villains. If that would happen, that where they came from? Gosh! Why would anyone do that?

That's not sportsmanship like at all. No, but you were literally just in that bathroom. They could have gotten you all by themselves. They did. Look, I got a wound in my inner thigh here and I sucked out all the poison. There's another guy in this and I had to help and he refused.

You sucked out the poison from your own inner thigh. Oh, with the Dark One's blessing. You're incredibly flexible. I can be very flexible. Can you put the inner thigh back down, please? No, it's so terrible. We don't need to show it. This is role-played in. Oh, it's so terrible. Look. Are you on Key Slither's past as you guys are having this conversation? Oh, I can do it then.

Oh, I think it was him. No, I mean, look, you went into the bathroom. I thought about following you in there, but I didn't. I got this plate of grilled cheeses instead. That was definitely you. No, it wasn't. No.

But Volnard is reveling in the chaos. Yeah. And he would have just been ready to protect himself and maybe take an opportunity to, like, calm some people, but, like, was not worried and more, like, reveling in the absolute chaos and death. Oh, I would go, we don't have to role play this, I would go to the barbarian, the biggest, baddest person who got attacked by a snake, and I'll point out Lewante, hey, I found the guy that did it. Oh my gosh, he tried to kill you, can you move?

The golf and the thing. Oh, what a terrible guy. He almost got me. Poor little... I got him in his side thing. This was man who creates snakes? Yeah, look at him. Look, he didn't want tea. Make a persuasion check. Hard to argue with that. I wrote a snake. Persuade. Me too. Oh, look at him. He has a snake. He's probably from the midday.

"Unacceptable! We only win through the games! Ambassador Winterbone will take care of him!" And he pulls his sleeves up and immediately makes his way over for the Yuan-Chi. They get into a conflict. One of them wins. The other one dies. The other one dies. I'm gonna write that down. Oh, I hate the theme of Iolans.

Oh, you hate to see it. Can't we all get along and help each other become gods? This has been an eventful first evening. Well, if, look, if my hunch is right, good job. Good going. Our team's gonna win for sure. Well, yeah. I think with that to make, I think that's what you get for being deceitful and treacherous. The walrus is correct. For now, we can work together and get as far as we possibly can with the understanding that eventually...

We will have to turn on each other. No! Yeah, but can't we, like, turn on each other, but, like, with loyalty and a strict set of rules and guidelines so that we're not doing...

deceitful things to each other. Like, we can deceive and lie and cheat against everyone else, but like against each other, we're gonna play fair, right? I think we're a team! We're Team The Walrus! Oh yeah, we're a team. No, we're not. Good team, The Walrus! I would backstab all of you for a shiny nickel. I mean, we would never. I hate betrayal. Oh, hold on one second. Hold on. I would never. I don't like deceiving trickery. I'm gonna go Pyramid Head.

Look at that boy, period. Look at that bad for their whatever in the birth of payment. Look, look, they're fighting combat. He killed

Poets! Innocent snake poets! Look! Oh, you're gonna just tear me! He's just finishing up beating this person completely to a pulp. The Yuan-Ti is definitely dead. Ambassador Winterbone has succeeded in his effort. Winterbone! Look at what Ambassador Winterbone did to that poet! I'm pretty sure his name's Winter Splinter. Oh, that's much better than Winterbone! Well, Winterbone leads the barbarian. He's not gonna be good at naming himself. Oh, my God! Mr. Pyramid Headman, you're really gonna, like, let that happen in your own cafeteria? Yeah.

He looks over at one of the other pyramid heads. The other pyramid head looks at him. Then they both look at you and they just sort of nod like this. You're gonna let that happen? Really? You're gonna really let that happen? I also think he called you a terrible name. He said you were a triangle head. He doesn't understand James. He looks surprisingly, like, a little offended. But he seems to be in control of himself in this moment. Oh, well, okay, fine.

Oh good, we have to avoid violence. Okay, goodbye, goodnight. Thanks for the grilled cheese. Are you complete with your sandwiches? Or are you only like halfway through? Like how fast does the wall reach? Probably like 30% through. Oh, cool. So you're going to be there sometime. Yeah, well, you know, what else do we have to do? Not very little, just chat, hang out. Man.

That Abathur the Winterbone guy, he's a pretty nice guy. Although, I mean, the thing he said about Yuba Bar was really uncalled for. But he was a nice guy. So be it.

I will exact my revenge on all of these beings when I ascend to godhood. I'm glad we can be together, especially as gods, and be real team play with you. I think we play as a team, and once we're the last ones standing, we break out of here. Yeah, we split it and be good friends and not... Yes, exactly right. Yeah, definitely not that second part. Yeah, definitely not. Well...

I'm tired. Ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Claude pipes up. I'd like to move on to bed on the grounds that I am tired. And he goes over to a bunk bed. Well said, Jean-Claude. I'll join you.

You'll get into the same bed. Yeah, same bed. Looks like the old days, huh? I say, I say, I'm starting to present myself with Exhibit Z. That's actually very funny. That's very funny. That's very funny. I'd give you an inspiration, but you don't get one. I would give you one. That's pretty good. Uh...

You do hear goings on in the evening, and when you wake up, a number of additional bodies can be found, either murdered in their sleep without having made any sort of attempt to survive at all, or others just completely plastered, or some just missing entirely, perhaps by some magic. However, you are all able to enjoy the benefits of a long rest. Hot dog!

Look at that loser! He didn't make any attempt to survive! The king on cloven hoof give me beautiful, beautiful nightmares of blood and fire. Fire and blood. The gates open and the

spinning chest that's surrounded by this golden globe at the top has been shining down on you all night. And it's only now, in the brilliant light of wherever these doors lead, that it's diminished somewhat. As you're distracted and look through, you find yourself

staring into another large, large space, as big as the battlefield arena that you all had to race across just the previous day. And as you are led in there by the pyramid heads and other various plutonic-shaped headed people, you eventually come to a stop and the voice cries out,

Select, group yourselves into teams of four players each and give your team a name. Oh, yeah, that's us. John Claude, you can't play with us. You committed to be a taboo of canon. Goodbye, John Claude. We're ostracizing you. We're ostracizing you. Get out of here. Get out of here, John Claude. The walrus was correct. We hope you perish. We will be a team for now.

I was looking for other pixies that might have been part of my band, but I don't see any. And I look over at a group of pixies that clearly look very much like Blitzy. There are three of them. Do we think they have to take Jean-Claude? Well, ladies, ladies, ladies.

We'll be called the Drumstick and the Pixie Sticks, I'll say. The Pixie Drumsticks. That's very funny. Hold on, hold on. Do you think maybe this is some kind of trick? Like maybe only one member from each team survives? It's certainly possible. Anything is possible when it comes to these murderous games. Huh. What do we do? Nothing possible.

Nothing can defeat teamwork. For the sake of the execution and gravity, let's do it. That'll be really fun. All right, fine. We'll team the walrus. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Peter Midhead, do the whole team die together? Or can a team win and other teams die?

You get no response, and it's becoming evident to you that only the head frontman style

announcer voice person. I don't care. Everyone else is speechless. They don't have the ability to produce sound from their pyramid heads. They have no pyramid mouths or any pyramid vocal cords. So it looks at you and you get the sense that even if it had the ability to speak, it would be forbidden to give anyone insights into the coming game. Oh wait, that doesn't mean they gotta win.

All right, yes, we're going to win. Sorry, Jean-Claude, we're going to have to see you die. Sorry, we're going to turn you into a bucket of fried chicken. I'm way over here. That's my voice. I said, lay off. And so you are not looking for additional competitors to join other teams. You've decided that, come hell or high water, the four-person team will be Team The Walrus, and it will include the four of you. No, we're going to have different names.

It's whatever you want, but I'm just putting forward Team The Walrus. Yeah, you kind of have the ring to it. Uh, maybe, maybe, uh, The Walrus and the Wreath? Um, The Walrus and Friends? Uh... What about you, Babar? Any ideas? Quite frankly, I don't care. The name will not guarantee victory or cause failure. All right, fine. He can be called Team The Walrus.

I feel like there's gotta be a ninth pun here. We can't let Jean-Claude have the cooler team name. We have to focus on the task at hand. But wasn't part of the task at hand to find a group of four people and give ourselves a team name? We've done that. The Walrus. Team The Walrus. But what if there's like a voting competition and we immediately get axed and killed if we have a shitty name no one likes? Then we'll start killing as many people as we can get our hands on before we're murdered. Wait, wait, hold on. I have something even better. The Mighty Tusks.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Do you have any kind of ferritin appendages? Matching piercings, maybe, we could say tusks. No, but like, instead of calling ourselves the mighty, we could call ourselves the glitzing tusks, because I'm glitzy. Yeah, well, it's a little close to some other words. Yeah.

I don't know what he's talking about. Well, Andy is thrilled with either name. That bar must act indifferent. I think you have tusks in a certain way, you know, in your own pixie fairy way. No, I don't. I'm not chitinous at all. There are tusks in your soul. You are a brave and mighty warrior. I'm sorry, "peritonous." Your various piercings are sort of tusk-esque. Uh-uh. Don't you have like two bar piercings through your lip?

I have a troll tusk earring. Oh, there you go! Good enough! We're locking it in! I love ripping troll tusks from their mouth while they're still alive. Someone comes around, they have a board, and they are clearly taking the names down from all the different teams, and it takes a little while. Not only because there are folks who

are less decisive than the four of you and are jumping from team to team. There's a lot of debate going on all around you. You can see people steal from one another, teammates, and then reassemble new groups. And the number of people, because of the deaths that happened overnight, is no longer divisible by four. And so there is one person who is on their own team at the end of this. And that's John Claude, because he was kicked out of the fantasy check.

It isn't. But it is another Eric Okra. And... Pixie Chick Fil A! That's pretty good. That's pretty good. You're all directed to stay together as a team and get into lines.

And very quickly you can see a platform is constructed before your very eyes, magically assembling itself in front of you. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Taller and taller and taller. Two towers, one on each side. Getting higher and higher and higher and higher until finally they stop hundreds of feet into the air. And...

the eerie voice continues to boom out. Players will, teams will compete against one another. They will go up on either of the tower sides and be forced to play a simple game of tug of war. Oh, Eevee. Oh!

And we will randomize which team you face. And so they start to pull names out of a hat and essentially comparing the two names you see the teams go up. When they reach the bottom of the platform they immediately are bamfed up to the top. There's no long wait or stairs to climb. They simply suddenly find themselves at the top.

And you can see, even in the distance that you have to watch from this low vantage point, that after a few preparations, their hands are locked to this magical rope. And there's a

significantly sized gap between the two of them and pretty soon there's a whistle that sounds and you can see it being pulled back and back and back and forth until finally one side dips enough that they counterweight and completely fall down into the gap. The magical rope doesn't even come to attention or pull the other side at all. As soon as the other team is on that

is off the platform, it breaks. It evaporates. It turns into nothing but sparkles and glitter. And you watch as the food teams fall, fall, fall, fall before slamming into the ground like burlap sacks filled with vegetable soup. How many feet? Roughly? 500. What's the average damage of 500 D6s?

It's not hard. No 50 D6. I think it would be 48. It would be 48 D6, right? Oh, yeah. Because the first 10 feet are free. 48 D6s, that's a lot. Right, because if you jump 10 feet, I don't think that you take... If you jump 5 feet, you don't take 1 D6 damage every time you hop down from a wall or something. Oh, that's a good point. That's a lot times... Is it 3.5? That's .35, 3.5.

On average 168 damage, that'll do it. Yeah, that would outright kill any of us. That'll do it. Probably. Yep. Um, you get the sense that even if you survived the fall or endeavored to, um, uh, stop yourself through magical means, that by narrative-- And shooters with Uzis! --losing the tug of war, that you would be killed in some way or that there would be something to prevent you. Yeah, the walrus said it. Shot with an Uzi. The Uzis, yeah. Oh yeah, you see a bunch of people with Uzis.

Wow, that's close to being it. You wait and you watch. Team after team after team. With the number of people that were still remaining even after the losses of the previous day, there are 74 teams in all.

And so it takes most of the morning for you to finally hear your name. Team The Walrus get called out. No, Mighty Tusks! We fixed it! Oh fuck, they didn't get it fixed. They fucked it up. I'm sorry, they fucked it up. Team Mighty Tusks gets called out and you realize that you are walking to potentially your final minutes. What are you all doing as you start to approach the platform?

Babar would be very confident. He was made for this. He'd be lumbering up, making sure to get the blood going, get warmed up, but he would probably have taken his armor off for maximum mobility, and he would be ready to absolutely crush this. Okay. I will be your anchor. Yes, you're very strong. I'm really glad I'm on your team, and I feel bad for Jean-Claude. I really hate him. LAUGHTER

It's an air cooker with a bunch of pixies. They're toast. Oh, well. Here's the thing. I don't think there's any rules about blowing up the other team.

So I think the second things go wrong, we just let loose. What do you think? That's right. What do you think, Glitzy? Yeah, the only problem I see with that is people's hands wrinkled to that rope and so much of what I can do with my explosives requires my hands. Well, can you just let go and throw a bomb over there, you know? I don't think so. Oh, fine. But we'll definitely try if I can. Bless the dungeon master when the time comes. Don't hold anything back.

Like you said, if for a second we think things are not going our way, we'll do anything to win. Yes. It is life or death. We'll commit horrible atrocities. That's right. If needed. And try and win this game too. Even against the weak and the helpless and the elderly? Yes.

No matter who it is. No matter who it is. No mercy. No mercy. The Horned King himself would really not like it if I showed any mercy in the game. We don't have to put it all like that. I mean, we're just fighting to survive. It's like nature. Like the walruses and penguins have to do every day of their lives. Well, I suppose that's true. When you put it like that, I guess, you know, from a certain point of view, that's how it goes. Nature doesn't give mercy. We're not going to relish in it. Well, I mean, I can relish in it a little bit. I mean,

I'm with Felpip. I will relish it. A bit. Yeah, I mean there's no reason why we can't like relish it. Well if I get like poked by the music I might relish it a little bit. But I'm feeling like I'm in a nice elven tavern. Yeah, I think it might be an elven tavern. Might be for faking, I'm not quite sure. Anyways, let's fucking kill them all. I can't get over your voice. That's a very funny one. You're killing me.

It's really killing me. You turn and you hear the other name of the team called out. The Intimidating Annihilator. And you look over and you see a tall, muscular Fearbowl standing next to a tall, muscular-looking Goliath standing next to an even taller Minotaur who's also muscular standing next to a stout dwarf.

And they are looking mean and intimidating, just as the name was written on the tent. They stare you down as they walk over to the platform and stand into the center of the sort of magic circle, just at the base of this platform, and looking up, they get beamed. All of a sudden, you know that they are there at the top of the platform, readying for your arrival.

Are we ready? Are we feeling good about this? Yes! I think I could summon some animals to help us and not get horribly murdered. I think we can probably do whatever we want! That's a good point. From a mechanical standpoint, it simply matters whether or not the DM will stop us from casting spells that require somatic components. That's right! Oh, and before you turn into a whale, make sure to ask lots of questions about the dimensions of what we're standing on.

That would be a terrible nightmare. I would never play youth off of that in a million years. Listen, we all have some tricks up our sleeves. Don't do anything over the top. Just enough to get by, all right? Well, okay. Okay. Are we ready? Yes. Oh, yeah. See? Yeah. I'm going to turn into a creature here.

You make your way up. You find yourself at the top of the platform, and you're amazed that you're high up enough that the temperature seems to have dropped a degree or two. You can feel the cold wind, and there are no protective barriers in any directions to prevent you from falling off, let alone where you are worried that you may be pulled off in but a moment. You can see that suspended in front of you is this beautiful...

braided cord. It's not just a rope, it seems to be made of metal fibers and non-magical fibers alike. It is unbreakable, this thick, sturdy rope, and you don't move to touch it just yet. Metal fibers or something? Uh-huh, yeah. It looks like it's woven mithril, almost. And you...

look over at the other team and you can see that they are also themselves stretching, talking, pumping themselves up, getting ready for what could be a life or death situation. What is a life or death situation? Okay, I'm ready.

"Dunkey Kong Country!" "I wonder what he's turning into!" And there's going to be a giant, like, fiendish black portal that opens up, and there will be a big floating barrel above a large wooden crate with a picture of a rhinoceros on it. Ah! You threw me for a loop there. Okay, I'm ready. What are you doing?

I am endeavoring to summon a rhinoceros and then transform into an ape and ride the rhinoceros, Donkey Kong Country style.

Have both of us pull up the rope? Using my druid powers, Dungeon Master! That's fine, that's fine. So here's how this is gonna work mechanically, and then we'll figure out how to adjudicate that. I'm ready to do it before the action starts. I don't want to just blow it and set her up. Ooh, banana! That's fair, that's fair. Let's draw a quick map, because we're gonna need to simulate this. Can I see the blue pen? The bloopin'. So then, Walrus or Felpit next?

if we're going in order of weight here. Well, in terms of weight, I'm probably second. Even after he's turned into a girl right after this? Oh, no, no, definitely not. Don't we need somebody in the back as, like... The anchor? Yeah, big person. That's Babar. Okay, just making sure we're not putting... No, no, no, you're up front. You're up front, especially because that way, if you want to fire off some offensive spells, you can just fuck them up. Here we go.

Do you have any very close range spells? What's the distance between us and them? It's over 30 feet, I think. Walnut, peanut, pineapple smell. All right.

We starting in the middle or? Okay. Sort of two away. Two away. And uh, I need to get... Oh, we need to get some map situation here. I'll just use these. Oh, do you have the skulls? Okay. Oh, I'm gonna pour myself coffee while you... Oh, I never pressed the button. Oh, classic! Mike! Every time. I feel like this just starts real. I was so excited.

No, I think that was a bad idea. There's no back to this. I'm just gonna... You're not gonna pull yourself out of that, right? No, no, no, yeah, you can't go out the other direction. You can't go out the other direction. Okay. Are you sure? Yes. Three? I think you're right. Everyone should be free away. Oh, man, I feel like I'm in the homeland of the dwarves. Maybe we can go to Golbala Quarry and fight some troggs later on. The troggs know what they did. Oops. That's just gonna be...

That's a tricky angle. I think you're gonna be okay. Oh yeah! That works, that works. Alright, once you grab onto the rope, you will be bound by it. You will not be able to-- it's like an electrical current will hold you there. You will not be able to let go of the rope, even after you are pulled off. So you will be effectively stuck in that way. What we'll do is we'll go around the horn and sort of say what you're doing to contribute.

You can pull, which allows you to roll a strength check. And at the end, we can add up all of the contributed strength check rolls. So if you each got 10 and you all contributed, then that would be a total of 40. And we'll compare that to what the intimidating annihilators get.

And for, if you're under, for every rounding up five, then you'll get pulled in that direction. If you're over, then every rounding up five, you'll get pulled in that direction, and it'll be back and forth until someone falls off. You aren't going to actually drop until more than two of your peoples are hanging off. Yep. So that's the tipping point. Okay.

More than two? So the third person needs to come. The third person is the one that... Yeah. We're all gonna hit level three. Okay. Things like movement rules, like perhaps having a rhino will just be like, give you advantage on the thing. It wouldn't count as an additional role? It would not count as an additional contribution to the... Advantage is pretty good, though. That's true. Um...

And hanging creatures are making it harder for you to pull against the opposing team, so they'll incur a penalty based on their size. So small, negative 5, medium, negative 10, large, negative 15, and so on. And you just need to pick an order. Oh, and if you want to use something, a bonus action, as long as it doesn't require somatic components, because your hands are going to be locked in, you can contribute in that way as well.

So I'm gonna give you guys a quick coffee break because we're brewing A and B because I want you guys to think about how you want to spend your rounds to make this occur. Can we cast spells? If it doesn't work, oh, it's an action to contribute the space check. But we can just ignore it and cast spells instead. That's right, as long as there are no somatic components because your hands will still be locked to the rope. Okay. That is what I will use. I've got a plan. I've got a strategy. All right.

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And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you! You stand on the top of this tall, tall platform, this tower, looking in the eyes of the intimidating Annihilators, and they are ready. And as a group, in perfect harmony,

They reach down and grab onto their section of the rope suspended magically in the air. They grip and you can see this charge almost emanate from their hands and from their auras and around their bodies and they

put it underneath their arms, they interlock and stand feet wide, sort of testing the tensile strength of this powerful magical rope. It doesn't budge, for the whistle has not yet been blown. They look each of you in the eyes, and you can see the determination on their face.

However confident you may feel in this moment, still the pricks of sweat start to show up on the surface of your skin, on your brow, on your hands. You feel a little bit clammy knowing that should you and your companions, your allies, not see it through, this could mean a very violent end for you and perhaps be erased from all memory, according to the eerie voice. Oh no, that's terrible. You...

Each in turn, in what order are we? We're Glitzy, Walrus, Polymorphed or Transformed Felthead. As soon as I feel like we're ready, I'm gonna do, yeah.

Felpip and Babar, those of you who are ready, who are not doing anything in preparation, grab onto the rope. You feel that this is your moment, and Felpip, you suddenly transform. Expand dong! As I'm going into you go, "Oh, banana!" As I jump onto the box, and you hear as a rhinoceros appears, and then I'll jump into the barrel, and I'll swirl around, and I will turn into an ape.

And I'll say, "Oh yeah!" And I will, with the help of my rhinoceros mouth, I'm going to grab the-- You see the eyes of your competitors widen and then shrink as they look even more determined than ever to see such magical hijinks. They seem to be in complete confidence in their physical abilities, and they

buckle down for what's to come. And as soon as you take a grip of the rope, you hear this whistle moment. And there's no initiative, but the tug of war has begun. As soon as the whistle blows, I would shout, Orbeez! Team! Here!

and begin to prepare for whatever my teammates would like to do. Glitzy, as the person in front, you are staring down, and they begin to pull immediately. You feel, for a brief moment, the rope go slack and then pull taut,

and you realize these are some strong fuckers. What are you doing? These are saving throws? This is gonna be a strength check if you are spending your action to do that. Well, for them. So it's an ability check? For them it's gonna be a strength check. Can I use my reaction to bend their luck?

You can certainly try. How does that work? So, it's just one of my features. Oh, I can feature this. Another creature I can see makes an attack roll and ability check or a saving throw. Okay. I can use my reaction and spend two of my sorcery points to take a 1d4 off of those.

Okay, so which one are you choosing? The one in front. Oh yeah. I'm gonna look at him and I'm gonna bite my tongue and I'm gonna spit and he's gonna see the blood as I bend his luck. Okay, so that'll be 1d4 from the first ability check, Strength Roller. Yeah, from his, yeah. Okay. 'Cause I see them too. Do you do anything else with your bonus action? Are you spending your action to pull? I'm gonna spend my action to pull. Okay, you're spending your action to pull. Is it athletics?

It's just strength. So just d20 plus your strength mod? No, I'm going to allow acrobatics or athletics. Yeah, if you're proficient in either of those, you can add your proficiency bonus. I believe that that was glitzy. Then it's the walrus. The walrus. What are you doing with your turn? Every single one of my spells has somatic components. Yep. Yeah, I think it's only paladins and healing words. Fuck, then I just pull. Oh.

You just pull? I just pull. That's all I can do. I don't have a single feature. Fuck! And I'm going to yank. You're contributing a pull, and you're at advantage because the rhino is shuffling up behind you. Babar, what are you doing? Well, I had a plan, but...

Command and hold persons range for me is 60 feet. So I'm gonna pull. But I'm gonna use athletics. Is it for even 60? It's-- yes. From here to here is like 60. Oh! Desperate. I just counted it out. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 60. I got a 22, by the way. Everyone's contributing. I'm gonna use athletics. Yep.

It's up to you. They're yours? Yeah, I'm twisting. Because I've got a huge bonus, if you know what I mean. Oh, not much better. You can still twist again. I could. I'm going to use one more. It's for the team. Better. There we go. Much better. I got a 22 for athletics. Okay. 22 from you, Babar. What did you get, Babar?

Walrus? Uh, 22. 22. Nice. I rolled a 19. That's huge! Yeah. It's all good. 20. Nice!

And, uh, what's your? 26. Oh, they're not beating that! Get fucked! Wow! I got rolled a natural 19 plus 7 to acrobatics. Yeah, that's amazing. God, I was gonna either command two of them to full- like, to drop. Yeah, I have so many cool things I can do, but because of the somatic thing. Well, I was gonna get around somatic, I was gonna be super rosalary about it and say that I use my trunk. Oh, yeah.

Command is just verbal, but the whole person is somatic and I was gonna simply-- Do you have a feature where your trunk counts as a limb? It doesn't count as a limb, but I can use it to grab things and pull, like, a hundred extra pounds. So I was gonna be like, "Well, Jerry!" I was gonna try to rules lawyer the shit out of it, but I'm not enraged. I wonder if it's written, does a trunk count? I don't know. But maybe not because of the fingers. I was gonna rules lawyer and try to argue it. It is called trunk. I can use my trunk as a snorkel or to grasp things.

lift up a number of pounds equal to five times my strength, which is 100 pounds. Wow. Pretty good. Yeah.

Okay. You see the first, the goliath, who's at the front of this, slip just a little bit. Something magical having transpired, Lucy, from your innate magic. But they pull extremely, extremely hard. It's not good enough. And they suddenly, because the rhino is pulling and all of you are pulling in such unity, they all get pulled 15 feet towards you.

15?! Yes. So we move back 15 feet. You move back 15 feet. 1, 2, 3. And they move all the way up to the edge. Holy shit, let's pile them up. Oh, these guys are absolutely bored. These guys are fucked. Once you get behind two, it's like, it's really tough to come back. Yep. Uh, they, uh, you hear, you hear them yelling, uh, uh, "Pull! Pull, you idiots! Uh, pull! Well, I'm almost at the edge!" And, uh, I would say that we get to go again. Uh...

Glitzy, what are you doing on your turn? I'm going to use my reaction to bed block again. Same thing? OK. Yeah, this time I see a horrifying fade visage as Glitzy's face changes and she looks like this decrepit and malevolent, sealy fae. Unsealy? Yeah, unsealy fae. She basically looks like Galadriel

Nice. You have a queen ring! I was thinking, Worthy, is that my old ring? There you go, that's great. And so she does that, so I'll use two more sorcery points, and then I'm going to use my action to spike, and I'm going to use the end of my turn. Okay. Walrus.

All I can do is pull! You're pulling now. Oh, what am I doing? Realizing how in trouble you are from, not in trouble, but hampered you are, you realize your life is attached to this rope and you're just pulling as hard as you can felt it. 15. Oh, sorry. Oh, I'm just pulling. Oh, banana! The second that I see that we are gaining ground, I bellow again to my teammates.

We are winning! Continue! Heave! I'll take it. An 18. Not bad. We make it. Buy one, get one, lowly tots! What the fuck? Okay, Quincy, what'd you get? I got a 19. 19. Walrus? 15. 15. Help it. 24. Wow. Shit. Only an 18. An 18.

A little less than the last time, that's okay. Let me just do some quick math here. D-K, Donkey Kong. Forget to subtract the D4 from personal. That's actually fucking huge. Oh yeah. Minus D4 feet is crazy. You heave and you pull and you can hear the sound almost like leather being twisted of this rope under the punishing force of it being pulled in both directions, but it does not give, nor do your competitors.

You are, uh, you have a strong pull, but they managed to hold their ground and no change happened. Oh shit, okay. Okay. Wow.

We were just all kind of around a little over 20. So we gotta get the... That was actually gonna be bad. Yeah, I gotta step it up here. I've had some bad rolls in a row. Okay. I'm assuming the same thing. Yeah, let me know if you're changing anything. I am not. But I'm gonna presume, Glitzy, that you are gonna continue to terrify. This will be my last one. Oh! Because I can only do it up to my amount of sorcery points. Oh, wow. And I have six sorcery points, and it takes two sorcery points per reaction.

So this will be the last one, but I will look at the first guy and I'll call out, oh, you flies down! And then, yeah. Got him! Have I witnessed any other competitors teleport out of the, away from the rope so they can then use their hands? In all of your witnessing, you do not...

You do not think that you've seen anything like that happen. And you're not sure if it's because someone endeavored to try that and failed, or that no one had the ability to try to do that. You definitely would also have noticed Jaune and Bad Bar slipping, too, when we tried to teleport the last one. Well, I also tripped. Oh, was it me and you? Yeah, it was me and you. So I experienced that. It was you and me. But this is different. So for now, we're doing okay. I'm just going to roll.

Let's roll a new d20 here. Let's do this big guy. Why is Skrillex DJing our death? The base isn't the only thing that's gonna drop in this game. I missed the announcer. Why didn't they get teleported to space? You know, I might just have to teleport them to space for the next round. You know, they're just so lovely. I was thinking that the initial intro was like their send-off, but I missed them too. No, it was good. I missed them too.

Instead, shadowy figures are looking down and making their own comments regarding their wagers and about the performance of the various teams, I'm sure. The clients ship them in. The clients. They pay them out of the way. Same as last time, except no minus four this time? Oh no, it's a minus four this time. This is the last one. Oh, this is the last one, okay. While we have that, can you take a little bit of a riff? I have an idea.

I mean... It's up to you. Yeah, we... We're doing well. Yeah, I would say it'd be hard for us to communicate except for shouting, "You can do what you want." You know, I mean... But Nikki's right. We're winning. You could... If you want to try to communicate... Oh, you're a gorilla, aren't you? Yeah. Oh. I... see.

I'm just gonna pull. I'm gonna pull. Okay. I think we're all sticking to the exact same plan. Let's see, what's your pull value? Uh, 20. 20. I'm gonna... Walrus. 13. You're not gonna use a twist? No. Okay. My bonus is shit. 20. Bar. With a 24, Babar yells, "Deep, deep team! Drag them to their death!" "I'm trying!"

I can't do anything! I've done all of this! I'm an old man! I only want to do sh*t!

I just wanted to kill him! You are pulling and pulling and pulling and you're horrified in this moment to feel your feet start to get pulled in the other direction as you move forward, stiltingly attempting to pull. You're heaving and heaving, but you are not gaining ground, you are losing it as you are pulled 20 feet in the other direction. What? I rolled two natural 20s. 20 feet? Yes. They beat us by 20? Yeah. I've been rolling really low. I've been rolling terribly.

I guess if all their bonuses are like eight, they're in trouble. Your total was 77 and they got 95. Wow. Okay, okay. Jesus. Okay, it's all right, it's all right. Man, I really wish I had some spells. Yeah, I can't do anything. Not a single feature that I have is worthwhile. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna bring the announcers back.

Yeah, I think... yeah, none of this is worthwhile. Yeah, I'm gonna pull. I'm pulling. Okay. That's all I got. You're no longer benefiting from your Seelie stare, let's see. So I don't have to subtract a d4 this time. Anyone else doing anything different? No, I'm gonna pull. Do you say 90... what did they get, 94 you said? 95. 95 divided by 4. That means that they averaged 24.

He did say they're all very tall, muscular people. Your first value was... was like 86. Okay, I gotta do this. I'm gonna take a risk. I think it's gonna be pretty good though. I'm going to shift out of my... I'm twisting this. I'm gonna shift out of my form. And I am going to let go and I'll look around. Is there a crowd watching us?

There are the survivors and those who have yet to compete looking down, looking up at you. Since about half of them have all gone, that probably means that there are somewhere like 150 people looking up at you. Not including the pyramid heads. I'm going to look and I'm going to say, come on, guys, everybody, support Team Mighty Tuts, dude.

As I, the wave, the wave. This is the tide of your doom as I cast Tidal Wave. Oh shit. I am letting go. Does that have a somatic component? You can't let go. Oh, you can't let go. You cannot physically use any spell. Magically compelled to hold onto that. Oh, yeah, that's why I can't do anything.

Oh, I thought that you basically just weren't added to, oh. No, you can't give them. Oh, I do not revert, I just roll. All right, if you have a non-smatic spell you can cast, then you can do that. No, no, no, there are very few of those. Are you twisting? Let me do another one. No, that's it, that's it. You want to pass me? 20, 22. Oh, let me give you mine back. Those are the two that I use. I am.

25. Damn, how are you guys so high? Walrus. 19. All right, we're coming back. We're coming right back with this one. 22. 22. That's outrageous. Babar. And with a 26, I yell, team, together, remember, monstrous size alone has no intrinsic merit, as we begin to pull. I'm going to hit the gym.

I should have picked my proficiencies wiser. Okay, you pull and you pull and you pull and you start to make backwards progress again. Your feet hold true and you're happy that with each heave you seem to again yank back a foot, another foot, a foot, a foot. You're able to pull back 15 feet. Okay. So there's nothing that we can do so we may as well just rapid fire this.

There's no... There's just a roll-off. I've got no... I thought we could actually do something. No, no, let's just spam the roll-offs. I had a... I had a shirt up my sleeve, but I'm out of range. We're gonna update some of this, because we got some stuff. Oh, are you still getting... Oh, we got this one.

Showbiz crayon 98 with a dread. So that's a dread for you. And then Tusken Fury with a twist for each of us. Let's go. Thank you. I'm using my Tides of Chaos to get advantage. Thank you. Do I have a bonus action I can do? I don't think it's worthwhile. What d20 do I want to roll? I'm going to roll this tiny one. It's tough, man.

I just don't know if it's worth. Oh yeah, I just regularly roll, so I got an 18 plus seven, 25. How is that possible? That's crazy. Plus some acrobatics. Walrus? 15. It's not bad, man. Yeah, it's not bad. I'm just going to let it roll.

18 plus 5 is what? That's a 23. 23. Jesus. Press this advantage! Give them no quarter! And I rolled a 25. Damn. See, you guys are killing it. I got plus 8. My first couple rolls weren't great. I'm catching up now. I'm trying to do... I'm trying to look up. 5 e-spells. Verbal only.

Command. I think it's just Paladin spells. I think they're only Paladin spells. Wow. You pull and you pull and you pull, but the Indemnating Annihilators, they are able to hold fast and you make no progress one way or the other. Whoa! Let her rip. Oh god! On fire!

I didn't get my new twist that came in. You didn't? No. I didn't grab anything, so. I'm gonna use one. Okay. Uh-oh, that's not good for me. It's a same roll. Okay. Letting it go. Well, we're doing okay here. Sorry, I need to add up mine just a moment. Okay. Glintine. 13. Walrus. 21. Philpott. 18.

18. And par. Many fall in the face of chaos, but not us! Not today! As I rolled another 25. Holy shit. Double 17s.

Any buffs that anybody has? So I was looking at that, but the problem is that they're saving throws. They're not ability checks. Like for heroism or Bless or whatever it is, it's not ability checks. Everything that I have is very combat focused. I looked at Bless.

I had, I looked at heroism. I looked at divine favor. Bless would help. No. Bless is ability checks. Sorry, saving throws and attack rolls. It's not ability checks. And then one of them is just temporary HP and the other one is extra damage. Guidance would help. I don't have that. I don't see it on here.

Yung, you have tantrums. This is all happening very, very, very quickly. You are looking at the eyes of your competitors. They are looking back at you, not with any cowardice whatsoever, but with bravery and determination. You are pulling and pulling and pulling, and this time, instead of a standstill, you feel them start to slip just a little bit more, and you pull five feet, ten feet more. Holy shit.

And you can turn your spell slots into sorcery points if you want. Oh, it's a bonus action. This is over. They're screwed now. All of a sudden, one of them slips, and they're hanging over the drop, realizing that they have no way to contribute to the next tug, let's call it. So I'll only be rolling three d20s.

We'll see what happens. But things are starting to look very good for you. Oh yeah, they're fucked. Do we call out Sloth Tip? I will. Oh, we did not yet. I will. Thank you, Sloths. Probably the last round, let's find out. Glitzy, what do you got? I'm going to use my bonus action to convert one third level spell slot into five sorcery points. Damn!

That's how you keep your Disorcery Coins. And then I am going to use my reaction to make them roll at a d5, so I'm going to take off.

Two of those five. Let's go. And I'm gonna roll. So you're using your bonus action to subtract 1d4 from that. No, that's a reaction to do that. I'm using bonus action to convert a third level spell slot into sorcery points so I can use my reaction to take away 1d4 from one of their rolls. Ultimately I am subtracting a 1d4 from that. That's not bad. And then I'm just rolling. That's not bad. Not terrible. I have reduced their total.

You are welcome. But you are still pulling. What did you get? I got 14. 14. Walrus. So I'm gonna grab the rope and I'll say,

Okay, I'm gonna pump myself up! Hey guys, do you know that to find mollusks, walruses dive in shallow waters, search the bottom with their highly sensitive whiskers or vibrasign, and when they locate the mollusks, they create a seal with their lips and use their tongue to produce a vacuum to suck the meat out of the shell? Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

And the amazing walrus belt. So if that pumps me up in any way and gives me advantage or anything, you know, it's fine, but... It doesn't, but we all appreciate it. It's a 15. In fact, I think you actually have disadvantage. Everyone is disturbed by your words, so I need to talk about that. I got a 15. 15? Yeah. 20. 20. The match is struck! A blazing star is born! Let us finish this! I got a dirty 20. Dirty 20.

Pretty good. That's okay. We just need ten feet. Ten feet, that's a lot. Minus five, though. Or from D1-D4. Well, they're going to have all sorts of minuses. This guy's not doing jack shit. They're going to start falling. They're fucked. We got this.

It's like a chain reaction. We live to fight another day. It's a death spiral because they lose a d20, they lose that person's proficiency bonus and acrobatic score, and they also now have to bear the weight of their hanging companion, which is adding an additional-- or subtracting an additional 10 from their score. In addition to the d4, which I rolled a 4 on,

of your quality. Amazing. Unbelievably, despite all of that, they got surprisingly high, but not high enough to prevent 20 feet from immediately slipping away from them. You pull and pull and pull, and suddenly you fall backwards and realize that the rope evaporates into your hand in a matter of just, and these intimidating annihilators scream all the way down.

They hit the ground, and disgusting crunch smashes into the same space that all of these other competitors hit before their belts illuminate, and energy whips out of each one of the bodies, now a deceased corpse, whips out, and you can see it fly over the wall, presumably into the chest that is the spoil for the victor. Oh, here come the orzies! Pfft! Pfft!

I'll get up as we've won if we let go of the rope. I'll stand up and go... Tusks win! Tusks win! Well done, team!

Sweating, breathing heavily, you all take a moment to feel the fresh, cool air on your face. What was initially a chilling wind that almost felt like a herald of your own death is now a refreshing breeze that is blowing the sweat off of your face and off of your arms. You have lived to see another game.

and you disappear through the magic circle, finding yourself at the bottom of the portal. Another team seems to be approaching, another team on the other side. Bodies are being cleared away, and you see the rope stretch and suspend in air, ready for the next team, for you were not the last. We have defeated death this day. Well done! I'll shift out.

Man, I hope that, uh, that Jean-Claude becomes fried chicken. I mean, I hope he does okay. I hope he survives and we see him again. Jean-Claude! Let's go root for Jean-Claude! Can we stay and watch the rest? There are some who have made their way back through the portal doors, and, uh, let me just find some music here that's not boring. I say, I say, kick on that ye olde tavern music! I don't have ye olde tavern music. Let's try this. Okay.

It's very Earthbound-y. It sounds like Forsythe. No, that's bad. It really does. It's definitely like Earthbound Funk. Hold on. Super Soul Bros. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got nothing. I got nothing. I don't know what to tell you. Everything is either royaltied or Icebound. Oh, how about this? Search SimCasino Queen of Hearts. Oh, yeah. Can I use that? Yeah, I think so. I think it's a fair game.

We love SimCasino. I hope it's okay. It's also kinda jazzy though. Oh, Derek uses Spotify. Oh, nevermind. Um, we're going to Drakkar. I don't give a shit. I'll make a playlist for next time, I swear. Even Drakkar is gonna be the wrong mood. Alright, well, that's on me.

You look around and you do find John Claude and the three pixies are starting to talk strategy and sort of pump themselves up, realizing that this is but a roll-off, as you said earlier. It is purely a game of strength. Very little strategy involved with your hands locked in the way that they have to be to the rope. What do you say as you arrive at John Claude's theme?

Oh wow, I sort of hope they have a playlist conveniently of white bad audio that's pretty exciting. That I just remembered. Oh! Jean-Claude, don't fall to your death, that would be really awesome, but I mean, it's a terrible tragedy. Are they still, have they gone up yet, or are they still down, like, where we can talk to them? Uh, they seem to have not been called up yet. There are two other teams that are going to the platform, and every few minutes you hear, "Aaah!"

I walk up to Jean-Claude. Fuck. I put my arm on his shoulder. I'm towering over him, and I say, Well, hopefully you try harder at this than you did to defend me in court. Good luck. And I give him this awful grimace smile. It's very threatening. Ha ha!

He looks concerned after you give him this grim message, and he sort of takes in on himself, and then his new pixie friends sort of come around and are starting to endeavor to cheer him up. I should bait him.

And you watch team after team, pair after pair after pair, another ten teams, another twenty teams, another thirty teams, they all pair up against each other, until finally, it seems that there are only two teams remaining. And one of them is, what did we decide Jean-Claude's team name was? I don't remember.

I'll say after that, I feel like I've raised in Banes! His team name is called, and you see them all-- It was the Pixie and Drumsticks, something like that? Yeah, yeah. I remember the Drumsticks. Pixie and the Drumsticks is perfect. Pixie and the Drumstick goes up on one platform, and you see that because there was an odd number of people, the team that they'll be competing against is just one guy.

Oh! What? He goes up onto the platform. Oh, this is bulls- This is bullshit. As for a brief period of time, he lives here. No! No! No! AHHHHHHHHH! Oh, that's not fair! You should've made some friends! And they kill him with a new seed. And then you will find yourselves back, finding your way back into the dormitory. Oh! He might still be alive! He hasn't shit himself! AHHHHH!

We said when people die, they void their bowels! The doors close, but just before they do, through the opening you hear this disgustingly loud "Brrr." Got him! Are those witches? Blast! Distance!

And you make your way into the dormitory. But shadowy faces watch all of this. They hear all of it, and they continue to make their way through. One shadowy voice looks down. The second trial is completed.

Go tusks! Where did I get my wearable tusks to show my support? Okay, I know I said I love them all, but if it's only Felpip that survives, I will be disappointed.

- Oh, thank you. - I enjoy Glitzy, I think she deserves this. She's a well-behaved girl. She's the only one who deserves it. The others will fall. - What? I'm not that bad. - Babar has not disappointed. It pleases me to see him progress beyond this stage. - I bet on Babar. He is full of fire, destined to burn bright and fast.

I'm gonna be so sad when the walrus dies. To win the game, you have to have teeth in the game, and with tusks like the walrus, you know you have to bet big on that happy chap.

Yeah, alright! If Jean-Paul dies, then we eat him since he's a chicken or is that too messed up? Please. An announcer voice finally echoes. Please help yourselves to food and refreshment. The third trial is expected to begin momentarily. Oh! Well, maybe it's a good thing I didn't use any of my resources. Oh, yeah, I'm glad I only used one wild sheep.

Do you do short rests though? You do enjoy a short rest and a modest lunch, let's say. Sorcerers can't prepare spells, can they? Oh man. Is that what you are? I'm a sorcerer, yeah. Oh wow. We're both sorcerers? Damn. Damn.

Oh, lukewarm egg salad! I'm gonna use a bonus action to... You like stack a plate and then you take the entire dish. It smell like brimstone in here.

What was that? I'm gonna use a bonus action to expend a spell slot for sorcery points. People always say it's the mayo that goes bad, but really it's the onions that go first. Yeah, it's a little cold, I'm gonna go to the microwave. I love microwavings, Al.

That's how you separate the emotion. What are you doing? I keep dying to 30. I'm not enough. It's like boiling. It's popping. Phil Pipp is the guy at work who brings fish. My voice is big.

That's a nightmare. In the break room. And then we all-- God damn it, Kevin! --fish all day long. OK, now, OK, some sardines, some anchovies. I put it back in. OK, good, good, good. Well, I'm just going to have these Continental Breakfast mini-brand my hands. They could be a little more regular.

You enjoy the foods of your choices, and you are watching as the chest, every once in a while, this energy or spirit just swims around and funnels down, and the chest will open before clamping down on that magical energy, and the globe of light that surrounds it, this golden orb, will sheen for a moment. For a moment, you think about what it is you're competing for.

What could it mean to possibly become more than mortal, more than even a demigod or some other powerful entity, but to have the power of a god or goddess in this moment? This strange sensation creeps over you and you start to feel the ambition running through your veins as much as the blood that runs through it, presumably. I have a thought for Avengers and Chill and I'm writing it down now. Great. I'm just letting everyone know.

Mmm, yummy. I get the SpongeBob, uh, what is it, the garlic... whatever thing he makes when he thinks he's ugly. Do you do anything else with your short rest? I had no resources to spend, so I'm good. Oh, god. I think about my life, I think about the skulls that I'm going to crush, the bodies that I'm going to break. There's a small gymnasium, so you like, go over and quickly like-- Just keep-- I stay limber. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is all just an origin story for Korn, the blood god in Warhammer. This was an elephant head in life. This brush with death has made me feel more alive than I've felt in the last four years. Yeah, I'm sure that's true. Even though you've had fights and stuff in jail, I'm sure that you racked up

plenty of shankings in your time. Nothing has been like this. Nothing would have been quite the same because not only is the excitement of putting your life on the line in this way so thrilling, the adrenaline of the game's so stark, but knowing that each success, each little victory, each major one is a step closer to your ultimate goal.

You're all corralled together, and you see that there are probably, after the 300 or so, it's been cut in half. Half of the teams perished, and half of them survived. Oh, shit. And so there are now 150 remaining creatures all walking back through the gates. These gates, when they open, they always open to a new space, and this is the...

same circumstance. Instead you find yourself walking into a long hallway, long hallway with this beautiful sort of arched domed ceiling that goes pretty far, not too deep, but far enough into the space that there are these large doors on either side, five doors facing each other, all told ten doors. And

You are stopped as you walk in, each one of you individually, and you are handed a small stone. And you, looking at it, seems to be sort of a flat stone, nothing apparent on either side, just this sort of... It's almost like a clamshell...

Like, so far. Castanet? Like a Motorola Razor? Yeah. A Pebble. Oh! Yeah. A Motorola Pebble! That was a thing, right? Was it? I think it was a Pebble, too. The Razor was a little flatter, but the Pebble was rounded. You suspect that... Fellow boomers, am I right? Did it look like a dangerous sidekick?

Guys, I can't believe they had a pizza station. I got a couple slices of scallop and kiwi pizza. You hold the danger sidekick. It doesn't seem to have the slidey screen or the keyboard, but it does definitely feel like it. All of a sudden, I tease my hair really big, and there's a large bow. I've got way too much eyeliner on, and I'm dating the lead singer of Panic at the Disco. Okay, okay, that happens. Lucky. Oh.

But this is clearly a minor magic item of some kind, but it's not doing whatever it's supposed to be doing. Instead, you are just directed to fill the hallway. And you... Well, you do. I mean, there is no other option. So you fill it, and eventually a voice booms out. In a moment, you're...

Dangerous sidekicks will illuminate to show you a number of the room you are meant to go in.

Ten of you will go in. Thank you. That's great. The pebble will move on. The Motorola pebble! That's what I am! Yeah, that's what you have. Everyone else has a danger-- Incredible. Danger Hip Top is a character? Yeah, well, Danger Hip Top was the company that created the Sidekick, the Sidekick 2, and then-- The MOBA flip and the Sharpjump. Eventually, Motorola created the Sidekick 4. Oh, sweet! This one has Snake on it!

Oh, I got Joust! I start playing Snake. Joust is fucking awesome. Fucking amazing. I love Joust. I play it obsessively. You should play it on my phone. Or, you know, for smartphones. When the...

I don't have a name for you, you blew it out of my-- When the danger sidekick illuminates, you will be shown a number. Go to that door and wait for further instructions. And you feel this almost thrum and turning your hand, you all look and you each have the number eight on your sidekicks. John Clawed looks down, I got the number one. Oh, sucks to suck!

Hope you get another bye week. I'm just kidding, we go way back. Three days ago. He looks a little grumpy, he takes his fried chicken and he walks over to you in front of that door and you find yourself making your way to the eighth door and sort of staring up and it seems that you and six others have joined in. I'm sorry, six? Yep.

It's a 10 total, right? Yeah, I did say 10, but that's not the correct number of people. One moment. As we pass wherever Jean-Claude is, I look at him eating his bucket of fried chicken and I say, you will one day pay for your sins. There are 11 other creatures because there are 15 creatures in each room. I say, I say, after that poor boy who was tugging on the rope alone and what happened to him, I for sure thought I'd get room number two. laughter

Jean-Claude must die. This is Bobo's vow. Mace is gonna come back and he's gonna be like, you guys just killed him? Like, he wasn't part of the game? Like, he didn't, no, no, he didn't, he just killed him. Um,

The door opens, and you find yourself looking into a room that is glowing red in all directions. The light doesn't seem to be emanating from anything in particular, but it is glowing, and it's possible to see in the space all the same. Looking behind you and very quickly to the others as they shuffle into their rooms, you can see that their rooms are similarly colored. Not different colors, but red in the same way, and they look like duplicates.

The 15 of you all make your way into the room, and a voice starts to boom out as the door closes behind you. "What, Jean-Claude, can I get your card?" He turns and goes, "What?" and the door crushes down. Oh! It splits in half. Damn it! You see one arm go limp and a bucket of chicken rolls away. Yes! Oh...

This arena will test your fighting abilities. Only four of you will escape, is what the voice says. And then you need to roll for initiative, 'cause... Oh, that's what I did! Oh, shit! I say, I say... Misconduct ain't a crime, from a certain point of view.

Wow, baby. I rolled well. A fucking arena combat? I never, I don't have any initiative. It's awful, but I rolled decently. Oh, my favorite Cowboys from Hell is playing. God, that was so hard. I'm a PR hero. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

You know, I actually prefer rock band to guitar and emo. What? Really? Yeah. Because of the drums? It's because of the drums. No, because I'm a horrible peep at shit. Oh, good. That's funny. Fuck off. That's very funny. We'll add a bunch of emo and alt-rock to appeal to millennials.

Yeah, we can have an instrumental of "Kill a Queen" or something. No, it was a Prince song. Wasn't it a Prince song that they didn't want? Oh, I forget. No, Jimi Hendrix. They just cut out the vocals because they couldn't get the rights to the vocals. Yeah, they couldn't get the rights to his voice. We didn't get the rights to the tune. It's different. Was that in Guitar Hero? Yeah, the first one. Wow. It was an instrumental of Spanish Castle Magic, I think. Oh, yeah, that's right. Man, that's crazy. Yeah.

A little bit of Guitar Hero of Deep War. We were really into Guitar Hero as kids. I liked Guitar Hero. I played a lot of Guitar Hero too, but I don't think I would have known enough about... Yeah, we went on forums and shit. That's amazing. It was like a whole... Yeah, that's awesome. Okay. Uh, 2230. 20. I got a 22 with my plus... 21 with my plus 2 initiative. I rolled a 19.

I got a 20. You got the 20, 15 to 20. 19 for Felpip. 19 for Felpip. And that's going to be... Walrus? Five. Five? Yeah, it's going to be... You tied with them. That is correct. Okay.

This is gonna be the action music for every game. I don't give a shit. That's great. Put yourself in the arena where you would find yourself. The room is largely featureless. Let's see, what would you like to be? Final destination, no items. Everyone is staring around in sort of shock and horror as they hear the voice echoing in the space. Only four will leave this room. It's a fight to the death.

And with that, you hear another one of these whistles and you realize, you can almost feel the bloodlust release. Everyone's adrenaline glands dumps into their bodies and all of a sudden they realize this is a fight. A fight to the end. The bitter end. Top of the round. We're going to go with the gentleman in the corner closest to Rich over here.

is going to stay where they are. Oh, actual rich, no, okay. Jesus. And they are going to-- Not the walrus! Look around and realize this is serious business. You see him make a few gestures, murmur a few words, and all of a sudden this light hits him. If you want to know what he casts, you can make a quick arcana roll, but that's what he does with his turn.

Oh no. Uh, 22. With a 22, you realize he's cast Sanctuary on himself. What a loser. Babar. I am back to back with Felpip, and we are forming an unlikely friendship over the course of this strange competition we find ourselves in. As I hoist my giant maul in the air, I look over the back of my shoulder, but he's very small behind me, and I say, "Felpip, brother!"

If we do not survive, I will see you in the nine hells. I will break you! As I charge into battle away from my friend Felpip. And I run to this guy and I just try to absolutely cave in his skull. Okay. Let me real quick just check my features and traits here because I want to make sure I don't waste anything here. There's a bonus action. Yeah, I can only do that once. Okay. I'm just going to make an attack. That's going to be

Twist of Fate. I'm gonna twist that because I rolled pretty low. Much better. That's gonna be a 18 to hit. That hits. Awesome.

You rush up to this half-elf who has a short sword and a shield. They are endeavoring to block your hit, but you're able to push it aside almost effortlessly and stab in. As I bring them all up and around, it begins to almost glow with this horrific darkness as I smite this poor bastard. Okay.

Wow, that's bizarre. All threes on all four of my dice. That's 12 plus five is 17 points of damage. 17 points of damage.

Boom! As I try to basically bring the maul down into his side and just absolutely shatter his ribcage with some sort of horrific demonic vengeance magic radiating from the maul. His buckler nearly cracks into pieces and he's shoved into the ribs. He lets out a scream of pain, but he is still standing. Fuck that guy. That's my turn. That your turn? Yeah, I don't-- let me just make sure I don't have any bonus actions. I don't think I do.

I guess I could have Divine Favored and added a d4, but that's okay. Nope, that's my turn. Thank you. Okay. Glitzy. Glitzy's hair, she's now Seen Queen Glitzy, and her hair is teased to the gods. She reaches in and pulls out a bomb that's already on fire and begins to cackle maniacally as she hurls it into the air, and she goes...

Boom! And she's gonna cast Fireball on as many people as possible. How do you wanna do that? Just wherever I can place it. That's the range. The range is huge, yeah, plenty of range. It's a 20-foot radius sphere. We used to have the thingy thingy. I think it's down, Derek. Oh, is it here? Yeah, in there, in the cabinets.

I'll let you guys look for it. I think this right here is probably gonna be where you're going. If I were to do the math here, right? Like, let's say you do it here. It's a 20 foot radius. Sorry buddy. You do it here. Find it? Nice. We did find it. Oh.

You can, yeah, I'll cement this. I'm gonna throw it in here. And I am worried about, I want to get as many people as possible if I have to hit my ally's Soviet. Oh, fuck! Yeah, that's the way to do it. Yeah, right here. Right there. And it's only hitting me. It's all right, deck save, you'll be all right. Yeah, I'll be fine. Deck save for... Wow, thank god I moved. Beautiful hellish fire.

I thought about charging into the most enemies I could, and I picked the good direction. What's your DC? 16. 16? I need someone to count my fails and successes. Oh. Oh. Can I have the marker? Derek, you keep taking them back there. Okay, got it. Okay, one fail, one success, another success, another fail, fail, fail, fail.

That should be all of them. That's all of them. And then, uh, and then go on. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Oh, fuck! Okay. Oh, boy. I'm gonna use a twist. I'll use a twist. I'll use a twist to survive. That's fine. Uh, that's gonna be like, uh, um, hold on. Like a, uh, 20. That's much better. I'm gonna take half of the damage. That's just fine. Now, okay, the bonus action. Can I get 3d6 from something?

And I am using my metamagic to empower this and I'm rerolling. Oh, fuck! 36 points of damage to anyone who failed and half to anyone who passed.

Not so good. Okay. Where was Lamar? He was right next to the guy in the-- This space ignites into flames, and you can see that all of these, there were a few who are still hanging onto life, but for the most part, they take the brunt of this explosion. As much as the fire flings them in all directions and surrounds them, when the smoke clears, everyone is still standing.

You've done a significant amount of damage. Felpip, you're up. Oh, you know what? I'm stupid. I have two attacks. Oh well. I'm here on level six. Hey! Next time. Yeah, I'm still thinking we're like level three. My bad.

You've just been hit by this explosion, but your mind is clear. Felt it. How much damage was it? Sorry. 36, half his 18. If you passed. As I'm going to say, oh, the hell is fire. It feels so wonderful. I mean, oh, it hurts. It hurts. As I'm going to assume this hellish blight covered deep bark, rotting bark all covers me. As I say, you're going to die.

I'm gonna run here and I am going to, my horns will glow with a horrible fiendish blight, blighted biz and I'm going to use primal savagery and I'm gonna make a melee spell attack. Uh oh.

That's all you've got? Been there. What, man? I mean, that's what you bramble people are supposed to... Actually, I'm not going to do that. I am going to go here. And I am going to... So I have 20. I'm going to do...

I'm going to reach out and say, give me your life, Ratchet. As my eyes will glow black, I'm going to catch Wither and Bloom. Damn. It's a 10-foot sphere, so I can get all the people here. I'm going to... Con saving through from all of them. How many? Three. Good.

Two fail and one succeed. Ten points of necrotic damage if they fail, five if they succeed, and then I'm going to sap their life essence and I'm going to heal for one of these things. Or no, I'm going to do an unspent hit die. You do that, and you can see them withering. They are not pleased. Do any die?

That was the first one. These two in the corner are going to be represented by this core card. One of them turns and seeing that Glissy was the one to throw this outrageous bomb is going to reach forward and a beam of crackling energy streams forward. Oh, by the way, I'm Wild Magic, sir, so whenever I cast a spell you can determine whether I'm Wild Magic. Oh.

Oh, sorry, 15 damage if I had casted at a third level. 15 and 7? Necrotic, 15 and 7, yeah. Do you have to roll a d20 or something? How does that work? It says, once per turn, the DM can have you roll a d20 immediately after you cast a sorcerer spell at first level or higher. If you roll a 1, roll a mild magical effect. So just roll a d20 if you want to. Do you want me to just do it after every spell? After every spell, yeah, that's how it should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...

Next, what's funny? Let's do it the-- Yeah, the-- Chuckles way? Chuckles way. Yeah. Oh, you'll do the Chuckles way, then roll a d12. Next time it's going to be a d10, then next time it's going to be a d8, the next-- it'll get more and more likely that you'll roll that one. Oh, gotcha. So roll a d12 then, that's what's funny. We can start with 20. Yeah, start with 20. We'll start with 20 and then we'll work our way down. Okay, what is your--

AC, Glitzy? 17. 17. You suddenly get hit with this beam of crackling energy taking...

10 points of force damage as the creature nearest you immediately launches one of these beams of crackling energy. The other one turns to the person who's standing in the corner closest to Rich, and you can see him struggle for a moment to unleash some sort of attack, but failing his wisdom save, turns and unleashes an attack against Felpip. Oh no! Natural 20. Whoa! And that's going to be...

Seven points of piercing damage, and you need to make a dexterity saving throw. I say I'll... You take an additional... Twelve.

Ten points of cold damage as this ice knife hits you, stabs in, piercing you, and then explodes into a shatter of frost and flakes in all directions. Thank goodness for my 10 HP. The next one is going to run up to Babar here. Nope, the one on the other side. Yep, it's gonna run up to you. He's going to

He's sitting down with a massive ax and he's gonna get a 15 to hit. - Miss. - Miss, so that's his turn and the other one that is over here in this corner, he is going to do, do, do, do,

Should we number them? Three beans of magic missile. One's going to... What's that? Should we number them? We probably should number them as things get more and more hokey. I'm keeping a general track of them on this side. The other one that's close to the bar, the half elf, is the one that I'd like to have go on this card here. Okay. No, no, no. This one? There's one here. Yeah, yeah. Got it. That one. He is going to...

You hear a bunch of elven words come out of his mouth, and even though you don't understand the language, probably, I don't know your language is-- No! What do you say? But you feel the sinister hate that is laced within these words. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. Yeah, sucks to suck. I don't like you at that. Is it to be charmed against charmed or frightened? Nope. Okay. Come on! I'm gonna twist.

17. 17. But you would have taken psychic damage, but you don't understand the words and you shrug it off before the psychic takes into your ears. And these... The one that's here on... Yeah, well, let's do those two. They're just going to run up and attack Felpiff. Oh no! Actually, one's going to attack Felpiff and the other one's going to attack the other one who's hanging off here to the side.

Yeah, that's fine. That one gets hit, he's gonna take some damage, and the other one's going to attack Felpip, he's going to get a 19 to hit. Oh fuck! You take seven points of bludgeoning damage. Felpip's getting whipped! This is karma, man. This isn't good. Two more. This is a snake?

I mean, that wasn't me! It wasn't me! Crackling Beams are flying in all directions now. One nearly missing you, the walrus, and 17 to hit, Babar? Nope, 18. Wow. Then you're fine. I kick him in the chest. He hits your plate armor and bounces off into the ceiling and a bunch of silk comes flying down. Glancing below. The walrus, you're up. Go! Remind me, Derek, do your campaigns allow two spells per turn, or do you do them one?

Oh, like a spell and then a cantrip or spell spell? Yes, like I know rules is written you can only cast one spell slot spell per turn but I think Nikki does it as the whatever and I can't remember what your... In ice battle I wouldn't allow it but this is funsy funsy time so I'm gonna allow it. Let's fucking go. Alright! I'll reach into my uh...

I'll reach into my little, into my coat, and I pull out a little snow globe that doesn't have a base. It's just perfectly circular. And there's a little walrus in it, and I shake it up, and it starts snowing, and I say, "Oh, you can do it! "Walrus ball!" And I roll it here. Oh, god, no! Are you just gonna play with me?

It rolls to the center here. Goodbye, Felpin. And it stops, and it goes, poof! And I'm casting Fireball, but I'm using, instead I'm going to make it Walrus Ball by changing its type to Cold. Oh, yes! So that's one spell slot. Savage. Blue Ball, perhaps? Blue Ball. Blue Ball. Walrus Ball! Walrus Ball! Oh, I finally feel Yuletide team. Oh, my God!

First you were very hot, now you're very cold, Vulpif. Goddamn, Vulpif's in trouble. So that is... How much, how many, what's your coldness? It is 8d6. 8d6, so let me get some d6. So one, two, three, four. I think two, yeah, one, two, three, four, one, two, I got it, I got it. One, two, three, four. Okay, this counts as a two, this counts as a two.

So that's... 5, 7, 9... 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... 223, 24... And then I can add my...

Charisma modifier 29. When do you get to add your charisma modifier? Because I am a Walrus Bloodline sorcerer and my chosen type is gold. That's fucking awesome. Walrus Bloodline. Walrus Bloodline. AKA White Dragon. That's fucking awesome. It's pretty good.

One of the most fun I ever had was playing Krah. Ironically, he had a black dragon lineage. They're very, very, very strong. And if any of them are resistant to cold, it is ignored. Whoa! That bloodlining figure? No, I took a cold elemental adept.

Okay. Oh, I see. The immunity is ignored. The-- no, resistance is ignored. The resistance is ignored. Does immunity become resisted? I don't think so. I don't think this is anything about immunity. No. You need to keep track of my successes and failures again. Sure. I'm gonna roll for each of them. I can. So there's one, two, three, four, five, six, there's still seven. Yeah. Okay, I gotcha. As well. We're just finishing up the work, though. What's your DC? That's right.

What is my DC? We're making quick work of this. What was Glitzy's DC? 16 as well. 16 as well. Okay. Fail. Yep. Succeed. How much damage was that? Fail. Fail. 30 something. Fail. 29, 32. Succeed. Succeed. Okay, so that's three successes and four failures. What was the total damage? Was it 29 or was it 29? 29. 29?

14 points of damage if you pass. It was 29 points of damage? Yeah, 14 if you pass. Oh fuck! Okay, how much is that? What's half of that? 14. It's half. Okay. You fell! Oh my god. Are you dead? Get the fuck off! You gotta be close. He's about to get hit. You've taken so much damage.

Thank God for fucking, uh, Spore Druids where I get a 20-point fucking shield. Oh, shit. An Absorb Shield. Nice. That's my Wild Shapes. Holy fuck. I'd be fucked if I wasn't a Spore Druid. Ah, fuck! Is it Gronom? It's gonna be... Oh, God, that's fine. Sorry, let me... I just have to do the math for all of these guys because I'm not doing it... I'm not rolling as a group, uh, since it matters. War, war, war...

Oh, I'm so fucked. Okay, that is a tremendous amount of damage. These people were just patting out their fire that Glitzy had applied to them when all of a sudden they get blasted with this unbelievably freezing explosion. The walrus bomb does good work. Do you do anything else with your turn? Are they all still standing? Yeah. Okay, this is a trick. There's a trick. God. Yeah, this is a trick. Oh, it didn't work.

Let's try it again! I will quicken. Goodbye, Felpip! Felpip's like, "Oh, this is such a tragedy." How could it happen to me? I saw you at Walrus Ball. This is awful. This is actually awful. I mean it, but I'm not gonna read it. I can't wait to see what happens when you drop to zero hit points!

And this is why you asked about the double spell swap. Yeah. If you wanna ban this, that's totally fine. No, you do it. Okay. You just have one chance in advance of history to do this. Why wouldn't you want double firepower? Oh my god, dude!

They're all ones, so they all count as two. Can you re-roll them? If you use Empowered Spell, you can pick that. Now they're a two roll response. Why do they all count as two? Elemental Adept.

Well, I guess it's better than... I rolled, like, five ones, no joke. And then two, three. Wow! That's not very good, but oh well. There's enough to kill Selphie. Two, four, six, seven... I'm so grateful, Dark One! You helped me survive the Walrus Ball! Oh!

Yeah, you may be wondering how I got here. Yeah, that's me. You may be wondering how I got here. Record scratch. Freeze frame. Freeze scratch, freeze frame. Oh. Yeah, that's me. This was a two.

I rolled one, two, three, four, five, six of these dice are 10s. Yeah, that's more than all. 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 24 points of cold damage. Okay, I'm gonna roll. 24. Okay, can you give me the success? I got you. So you only take 12 points of damage. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Fail. Wow! Fail. They all fail. Holy shit! 24? You only have four points of cold damage. The Horned King wads over me.

The beast that stalks the woods, sticks all his horns, his kingdom all. He whispered with the voice of the old ones and promised me a life delicious, the taste of butter in a pretty dress if I got birth to you. That's all I want, is the taste of butter in a pretty dress.

These two finally succumb to their energy. Oh wow, okay. They are all beefy boys, but they could not withstand the blast. Damn! And many of them are still hanging on to life. My kingdom for spirit guardians. Wait, so there's no trick? They just had like 250 hit points? I gave them each. And I have 40? What the fuck? I'm sorry, I gave them a lot of hit points because I... We're like epic heroes. They're like little shitters.

Are you down? You're unconscious. Look at Joe. Look at Joe. Who says fucking you? I thought there were seven men or women for themselves. Fuck you, Dolores. Oh, I get it. The meaning of you all the time. The pain you just unleashed angers these other two very much. First of all, one of them has their reaction would have used...

You need to make a dexterity saving throw. Really? Yep. Oh, fuck! I couldn't do that anyway. Wait, hold on. Wow, the first to go down was Felpip. 6.2k go to Fairy Boy and six others. Wow! I fail. Almost certainly. Eight points of fire damage to you as you are hit with a Hellish Rebuke. Additionally...

You need to make a wisdom saving throw as another one points and says a few arcane words. Oh, that's pretty good! It saves... 16?

16 succeeds, so you don't take any of that. The cantrip that it is. However, the next, you're going to have to make an intelligence saving throw. Fuck! The other one tries to dive into your mind. 12! 12 fails. You take 1d6 psychic damage, you take 6 psychic damage, and you'll need to subtract 1d4 from the next saving throw that you make before the end of your next turn. Okay.

We're back at the top. The sanctuary lad is looking at everything that's happening and realizing that things are turning sour very fast. However, before they can act, the light in the room shifts. Oh, fuck. Here's the trick. And a blast of white light comes shining down from the center. To the center, I should say. I don't like that.

You're taking a death save throw. You're going to get Fortnite storms here, man.

Brutal. This light sheds down and you realize that the red air around you is starting to prickle. So it's starting to sizzle, starting to sear, and you look down and you can even see the blood, almost like sweat, start to bead on the surface of your skin. It seems that staying outside of this light could be quite dangerous. Oh, outside of it. It's Fortnite rules, so felt it's good. We got you.

This is white, this is red. Yes. I had it fluffed. Got it. This is the mist. I thought it was gonna expand and we were gonna be pushed to the edges. Anyway. Chug, chug! Chug, chug! This creature is going to attack the one over here with an Eldritch Blast and mist. They have to go. Babar, you are up and you see all of a sudden that you are hit with this bright light, this radiant light.

Looking around, you can see that other people are starting to almost hiss and sizzle. I see the elf that I'm still engaged with in combat outside of the light, and I make another Maul attack at this creature after he tried to whisper some horrific eldritch... That's gonna be a 12 to hit, I don't think so. I'm gonna catch it in a twist, because I like dealing damage. Yeah, 17 plus 8 is 25 to hit the elf. That hits. Oh, fuck!

Double ones. Do I have great weapon master? Is that, let me re-roll that. I can. I can re-roll a one or two on damage dice with melee weapons wielded with two hands. So I'm going to re-roll both those, right? Yeah. Yeah. If you have that fighting style. Great weapon fighting. There you go. From ones to twelves. Woo!

So that's gonna be a total of-- Let's go! --17 points of bludgeoning damage to this elf. Oh, another 17, okay. You hit him from the other side. You imagine that both sets of his ribs are broken, but he's still standing. Then I make my second attack on him, and I'm not gonna cash in on any more twists, so I miss. Okay. Let's see. I reach into the other side of my hair and pull out another ticking bomb, and I'm gonna throw it in the exact same place.

Yeah, it's the same five now. Yeah, they're all in there. Yeah, they're all in there. And then also, is it dex? You automatically fail, right? So you take at least one death saving throw. It's just one death. It's just one. Oh, Felpip. There's no one here to save you.

Jesus. Why do they have 150 hit points? They have 150 hit points? Yes, they do. No, we've done at least 150. I've been keeping fucking track. This is the fourth fireball. Yeah, I have a track of every single one of these fucking ten. It's five. It's five. It was like 30, 19, 29. I almost did.

Pretty close. The one that died took 36, then 10, then... Some of them took half. Some of them passed. What was 10? That wasn't a fireball. It was 10, 10, 5. It was his ability.

Oh, you're... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and then that was... And then you had... No, no, it was 15. So then that got them up to 51. Then they got up to 80 with 29. And then they got pushed over 100. And their hit points were 100. And they fucking died. Everyone else is either saved or... I'm on it. I'm on it. They all have 100. They're fucking veterans. Did they save or fail, Derek? Let's find out. I'm trying to. Five. Five rolls. Five rolls. Fail. Nicky's tracking. Natural 20.

Succeed. Fail. Succeed. That's it. Alright, roll a fail pip. What'd you get? Is it much higher? No, you have to roll for the... you have to roll a Death's Saving Throw. No, I don't know how much damage... So you don't roll to see if you just get a fail. I need three. Uh, 3d6s. Can I steal 3d6s? There you go. Brutal. Darkwing! Horde King!

And then I'm also going to use my sorcery points to empower this one. In theory, I mean for real this time, it's really terrible. Actually, it depends on how much damage this does. It may just kill me straight out. How much damage do I have to deal? Way more than that. I'll see. It's gotta be what, twice your total or I guess... It doesn't double your hit points. Double your max hit points. No.

Does your max hit? I guess technically using 0 just has to do a max. It's a deal max. Oh, this is terrible. There's another one right there. Okay, they all have to be done. And half of that is 17. 18. No, 17.

Oh man. I can't wait to listen to this music and everyone else. What? They have to do the draw on me. Oh my god. Oh, and then I'm going to use my movement to get into the circle. Okay. Love that. And I can fly, but it doesn't really make sense. Uh, Felpip, you're up. You gotta roll. I hope I roll a natural one.

Black Thor is trying to help him. A death of life and fire! One of his boots is on fire. I'm saying this, I'm going to use my reaction to give him bad luck. Okay. That's two death saving failed saves. Now you gotta goob and rob me.

He's gonna get in right here, he's gonna get in right here, he's gonna get in, and he's gonna get in. Everyone's clustered into this space, and they start beating on each other.

Yeah, they hit, they miss. You can hear the clashes of the swords as they are engaged in their own miniature battle. The ones that are closest to you, however, the one, Danger Shark, that's Blissey, right? Yep. I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

And that's true for the creature behind it, and could, with a 15 feet cube originating from that creature, could it also hit Babar? Is Babar within range? From which one? This guy? Or this guy? That guy. 15? I guess. It depends on how it has to originate from him. I guess if it's from here, it could hit all of us.

I don't know how it has to originate. I'm casting Thunder Wave. Rich, it's a cone, 15 feet. Probably. I mean, if you could just angle it, yeah. No, it can't hit a ball from 15 feet. One and a half, three, that's 15, no. Okay, so it's here. That one's going to make a saving throw. He succeeds, he's going to take half the two-by-eight thunder damage. It will hit this guy, though.

- Lizzy, what did you get? - I got a 20. - Okay, you were able to succeed. You take three points of thunder damage and you are not pushed back by the thunder wave, this massive explosion. And the elf near you, sir, where is it?

Yep, yep, yep. I don't know, I brought up all these spells and now they aren't where I want them to be when I attempt to... Reaches up and he makes a melee spell attack against you with a 19 to hit. That hits. Okay, that means that you're going to take, as he reaches up, you feel this necrotic charge suddenly release from his hand into yours. You are going to take 17 points of necrotic damage as he casts Inflict Wounds on you. That's hefty.

Boom! That is the conclusion of these turns walrus. You're out. No, Felipim! Don't die on me! Oh, no, I didn't finish you off. Here's another walrus. Thank you.

What do I do? Do I save Felpip? No. Fuck Felpip! No, fuck Felpip! What I would say is no. Fuck Felpip! If I came underneath your foot like I crushed Jean-Claude underneath that-- You can do anything you want. I think the walrus would feel responsible. If you're the only one that has had any inkling of friendship with anybody for sure. So like it's not unreasonable, right? Oh, I need to get to melee range to stabilize you.

Because you just entered in this one instead? No, I don't have the movement. Oh, because you came-- I started there. I see, I see. No, you can't. You can't do anything. Let the fates decide. Yeah. Oh! Oh! I'm so sorry! I bonus action Windry Teleport here. This guy needs to make a wisdom saving throw.

20. Oh. OK, nothing happens. Winter's a step winter or whatever. And I'll just see them all fighting. I'll be like, come on. We're going to do this together. Mighty tasks. And I'm going to use my action. You'd make a medicine check. Oh, my god. And the stabilized-- Enjoy this. The stabilized action. What did you get? 10 plus. OK. I'm going to twist it. I'm using one of my twists because the walrus would twist. Just one twist.

It is written in the stars. Gigantus Elephantus Illustris Wilson. You got more twists. You got plenty more twists. A nat 1 and then a nat 3. I'm using one more. He's gone again. There we go. 13. He's stabilized. Does that mean you're conscious or you're just... No, no, no. It clears his death saves. Is he going to roll a d4?

For any saving throws. No, won't I awaken in 1d4 hours? Oh, technically. He's at 0 or 1. He's at 0. You're still, okay. You just won't be rolling. You'll awaken one hour if nothing else happens. You just won't roll death saving. Yes. But if you take damage. You won't take any damage at all. Okay. Yeah. All right. Why didn't you do it for me? It takes a crack at you and is going to hit a dealing...

I can't get up. Eight points of bludgeoning damage if you get hit by that same club again. What, how much damage? Eight. Are you sure you hit me? Yeah. Okay. I roll the natural 18. Okay, fine, you hit me. Top of the round. The light shifts. Oh shit, it moved? Oh my god. Oh, that's clever.

The light begins to shift and there's a pulse. Oh, this is tough. And you imagine that everything outside of the, there were no creatures there, but looking at the bodies, you see them turn to dust as they are immediately destroyed. What corpses were there?

Wow. In the mist. Yeah. Wow. And you realize that the area you are in may not be safe for very long, as suddenly... It's still safe, though. It's white. It's still white. Or no, is it red? It's starting to turn red. You can see it's changing. Okay.

Okay. So, like, it's like the spotlight that came down shrank and moved, and you realize that if you don't get there until the end of here, you're either going to take damage or instantly die. I haven't conveyed whether that should happen because of the nature of... No one's experienced that yet. What happens? We might get fucking swish-a-smoked. That'd be really funny. Um...

Top of the round, number one, the one that's closest to Glitzy, on Rich's side, he's going to move into the center of the space. Opportunity attack? Right there. You can make an attack of opportunity if you want to. Like a shocking wrath. No, I will not. I will keep my reaction to this.

And then he'll turn and he will release magic missiles against two of the companions dealing 1d4 damage, whatever, to them. And Glitzy, also to you. One moment. I'm going to use my reaction to make a... He's going to do a minus 1d4 to his attack against me.

It's a magic missile, it automatically hits. Oh, I didn't hear what you said. So you're going to take, wow, max damage, five force damage. And one more missile in that direction. That's going to be... Man, that one's just barely holding on. Okay.

Babar. I turn my attention away from the elf that has been kind of like trying to beat up on me, and I turn to this one who is behind me. And in one swift motion with the maul, I make two sweeping attacks against it. But before the attacks land, as a bonus action, I cast Thundering Smite. Double 18s to hit. Both hits got a hit.

The first one will trigger the thunderous smite, which is an additional 2d6 thunder damage, but also you must make a strength saving throw, or be knocked 10 feet away from me and thrown. I love that. That guy's fucked. 14. Fails, you needed a 15, so I knock him this way because I'm swinging sideways. Yep. And he also takes, not those eights, 10, 15, 15.

Oh, on this guy. 20, no, to this guy. This was the elf that I'd been beating up the whole time. I switched targets to this guy because I wanted to be as-- But if you knock him away on the first turn, then you're not in range. Mmm, that's true. You can use the Thundering Spikes. I have to just make the second attack. Anyway, it's 20 points of damage to him. 20 points? I think it says the first time. Yeah, the first time I hit. Oh, so you use your attack both at the same time. So then my second attack will just be-- Orc lands on the back and he realizes that he's quite far away from the light. My second attack will just be on this guy. Okay. That's perfect.

19 to hit. So close. Ribs and shreds. 9 points of damage to this elf. That happens. 9? Yeah. And then I'm just gonna use my movement, which is 30 feet of movement, which is what? 7 and a half? Two more. Two more? And he can take an attack from opportunity. Yeah, attack of opportunity from the elf guy if he's not, if he's somehow still standing. You hit him hard and you barely feel it clink against the back of your armor as you get away and Glitzy, you're up.

I am going to, so on my last turn, just because I hadn't talked to you about this, but what I did was I used my bonus action to get rid of my second level spell slot to get more sorcery points back. So I'm going to use my bonus action now to use my sorcery points to regain a third level spell slot, and I'm going to cast Fireball again. Let's fucking go.

Is all this just Rubik's Cube so you can have unlimited fireballs? I get that, I get that. And I'm gonna try and get all of them and not hit Babar. 100%. You can't do that. 100%. You throw it against the wall and it ignites and it's just big enough to consume those creatures and not Babar. That's gonna be how many saves that I normally-- Five.

I really want to see what's going to happen to anybody caught in the mist. Nobody's gotten caught yet. Two fails, three successes. Two fails, three successes. And I do not have enough to empower this, so... Chack-a-boo, chack-a-boo, chack-a-chack-a-boo, chack-a-boo. Super Hard Rock Radio.

This ain't your granny's station where we only play real, real rock and roll. 36 points of damage. Next up. Next up. Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. It never gets old. Waking up.

36, that's 18, so that gets to here. I cannot express to you how much Kelsey hates that song. Oh really? Oh she is. She must love the meme. Loads. Loads of radioactive. That's so fucking funny. These two fall to the ground burning and... And then I'm gonna use my movement to get... I'm gonna use my movement to get into the sphere. You get like here?

Yeah, because I want to leave the way open for people. Okay. You could also actually make it here too if you wanted. Yeah, I'll go there. Yeah. Oh! Felpip, we failed you! I'm so sorry! Felpip, you're up. Nothing happens! You literally can't move. Yeah, I mean, he might be toast either way, unless you can pick up his body and carry him out. I have an idea, but we'll see. Here's a twist. That's it. Let's grab... Thank you. ...two.

They're going to move into the circle and...

This one's gonna attack that one, or rather he's gonna make a wisdom saving throw first to see if he can, given that Sanctuary is still up, and he cannot, so both of them are going to attack the bar, and this one fails, but this one hits, and so that is going to be eight points of bludgeoning damage. Damn, okay. All right, all right. And that's going to be the conclusion of their turn, Walrus. How weak do these guys look?

They're looking pretty fresh. No, fuck that guy. I smoke this idiot. He's gotta be pretty fresh. He's looking like hell. That guy is looking bloody. Bloody. He's looking a hundred times bloody, but, you know. Oh, my God. I got nothing for you, Phil Pitt. That's fine. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh!

We were such good friends for three days! We were teammates! For all of 48 hours! Well, you were in prison together for a long time. Oh god. I was gonna say he was only there for three days. That's right. We go way back! Three days! Three days! Give me, give me, hold on one second. Yeah! One second here. So if I do... Let's see what I got. I am so eager to find out what happens to the people who get caught in the mist.

I think it's instant death. I don't think it's just damage. So I already used one of those. Can't do that. I took five fireballs. What's the highest I can roll on a fireball? Eight times six. Eight times six is 2448. Is that right? Eight times six is 48. So technically, if you... No, they would all have to die.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to think. Can I kill them all in a single turn? And then have it shut off. And then have the game be over. That's really interesting. Probably not. I think they're all too far away from each other. Yeah, yeah. Because I knocked that guy away. I was hoping to instant kill him. That's why I knocked him farther into the red, you know? Yeah, he'll definitely die. He'll just get incinerated at the same time. Yeah, I fucked up the placement of the enemies. Well, I mean, even then, like, let's see here.

Can I get at least this guy? Oh wait! You can hit all of them, yeah. I mean that's pretty fucking close. I mean I think it's like... Yeah. Pretty legit. Yeah, you can hit literally all of them. Will you count that, Derek? Yeah. It just means that Babar, everyone except for you, Belpip, and Glitzy will take damage. I have visible bruises, but I don't look like I'm bleeding. You can tell that I'm beat up. You can tell that I'm fucking beat up. This is the best shot I got!

"BORN AS BALL!" And I will make it cold, of course. Dexterity is not... I'm a Viking. I... I don't know. I think I just eat this one. There are still five on the board, right? Yep. And I think I'm going to make this a... quicken spell. 'Cause then that leaves me an action still for a second level spell. To finish off. To hopefully finish off somebody. Okay.

I think I gotta roll at least a 10. It might be worth one twist. But how much damage is he gonna do? Well, shit. You just speculated it. It's gonna be 48 when he rolls max damage. I have to twist. I gotta try. Because he could actually down me if I take full damage. He'd have to roll really well, but it's certainly possible. You got it. Nailed it. Never did it happen. 24 dex save.

Do you need the eights? I need to do... Sixes, D6s. One, two, three, four. Saves and throws. Five. Only one six feet. There's one guy out of it? Yeah. Oh, I thought he said he could get them all. No, all of them. All of them. And it's five. Except for my six. And me and Walter. Two six feet. And I'm gonna save this one and this one. Come on. Ooh. Come on, five. That's a two as well, man. Two, two. No, end roll, single six.

So we have 10, we have... 15, 20. 10, 20, 22, 24, 26. Well, it's a good thing I... 31 points of... How much? 31. I take 15. Did I add the five to that? I did, right? Yes, I think you did. I thought you did. 10, 20, 22, 24, 26. 31, yep, 31.

Now I'm looking rough. That bar's looking bloodied. Um, that is the state of the game after the Walrus Ball. I assume it was the Walrus Ball. Yeah. The Walrus Ball suddenly lands, crashing into the space. This is cacophony. You're hearing screams, you're hearing deaths in all directions. It is madness. Yeah. Oh, that's right. You gotta use your movement. How much do you have? I can teleport in there. Oh, good point.

Oh, I forgot I could do that too. Boom. Not last turn, because I used my bonus action. I tried! Good night, sweet prince! The one that fell, was he not prone? Oh yeah. Yeah, he's fucked. He's not making it. Fuck that guy. So if he gets up, he has 15 feet of movement. Yep. 5, 10, 15. He can dash. Fuck. And he's gonna dash. And he's just gonna get there. That's horseshit. I really... Yeah.

The worst part is you're not gonna know if it's just damage or if it instant kills. It's gonna be instant kill. Well either way, you only want to hit it so we won't know. Oh that's true! We'll see. What was your last thought, Felthiv? Before you hit the ground unconscious. I finally discovered the meaning of Yuletide. You're swimming in a... Ripped to the pit!

The deep state of unconsciousness that you're in, not feeling any of this, but somehow sort of understanding, and there is a pulse around you. The light shines bright red for a moment, and you watch as Sveltef and the other corpses that are outside beyond the threshold of this light are stripped away of all flesh, turning into--

Ash leaves just blowing away. Felpip is no more. All that's left are a bleach of bones and the cloth, leathers, and items around his person. Felpip is destroyed. You see a spirit immediately fly up and presumably find its way in the chest above you. Oh no, I can't do this.

*Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy screams* *Bad boy

West? East? Yeah, it's nasty eagles suck whales. Yeah, they do. Holy shit. I'm going to roll one of your d4s, presuming that this is one and this is the other. Sure. So I have West. That's a nice luck. Doesn't that move have the top of the round, though? It is the top of the round. Oh my god! Oh, you're right. Someone said, Good riddance, Felbib, you freak of nature. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

The absolute vigil. But I mean, oh my god. Ribbon piss.

Sanctuary throw. Oh god, backwatch. Sanctuary throw. He releases a Thunder Rain and you get all three in this person. That's funny as fuck. What is a, is it a cone? It's a 15 foot cone. And he's here? Yeah. So it's a five foot square this way so he could clip

I can do these three, but not him. You could do... No, basically you could do us three, you could do these two, or you could do... He's gonna do these three. Because he can move too. Well, he wants to make sure that he can avoid attacks of opportunity, so he's going to attack Babar and Walrus and the unnamed... Well, he needs to get to the circle, so he needs to move... He's not allied. Oh, Thunder... It's a cube. It's a 10-foot cube. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He can still hit, yeah, he can hit us. It's not 10 feet, it's a 15 foot cube. Oh, yeah. Oh, then he can do, oh, yes, he does this and, I thought it was a code. No, no, no, he can get all of us or he can get. He wants to get the guy to his left. This guy? Yes. He can get all these people. Okay. Yeah, 100%. He does. And everyone needs to make a constitution saving throw as a wave of thunderous force explodes outwards. Except for me, though. Except for you. Oh, ho, ho.

What is it, dex save? Yep. No, constitution saving throw. That's better for me. All right. 18. Success. Oh, that's not great. Oh, you get plus four. Die at all. I do. Because you're close to me now. If you want to grant it. Yeah. 20, but I have to subtract a d4, right, from that spell or something? That's right.

Yeah, I'm 18. Nice. You also succeed. Do we take anything? The other creature, yeah, you take half of 12. Oh my god. And the other one does not succeed. He is blasted back 15 feet and slams falling down to the ground. Even so, he's going to turn and run this way. 5, 10, 15, getting to the corner right here. So, opportunity attacks from the three of us if we want to do it. I'm going to see my reaction. However. Okay. Ugh.

Let me make sure that... Should we battle map this real quick? Just see the state of the battle here? I'm gonna make a quick concentration check to make sure that he held on. He did. So, he still has Sanctuary on him. In order to target... Even though he's casting spells? This guy? It's just, he's just got a... Sanctuary, you can't do anything unless it drops the second you do anything.

I'm gonna fucking keep this guy's skull in. Right? Yeah. You're right. Casting, uh, making an attack. Attackers cast spells. I didn't realize that when you had sexuary, okay, so sanctuary doesn't exist? Slap away. I use my reaction to beat the shit out of this guy. Another 19. So plenty to hit. We just need a crit. We need a fucking crit. He's looking the best of everyone. 12 points of damage to that. 12 points of damage. Ow, my ass! All three of us can hit him?

If you want to take an opportunity attack, I'm saving my reaction, but you can choose to. I don't have anything that will allow me to use a spell on him to do it. Okay. He makes it, and nursing his wounds is basically readying himself to stay inside the circle as best he can. As an action.

Babar actually swings and crushes this guy as he runs away. And everybody who's paying attention would notice Babar stumble. He's bleeding pretty heavily, you know, from his face, from his body. As he plants his maul next to him to stabilize himself, and he reaches up.

And he mumbles something to himself that no one else can quite hear as he touches his chest and as an action uses all 30 points of Lay on Hands. Oh shit. That's nice. That was probably wise. So I will heal 30 points. I have no more Lay on Hands. The wounds magically begin to close up and he instantly looks like he's revitalized and I will use my movement taking an attack of opportunity from that guy to get into the circle. Natural 20. Son of a bitch. Yeah, you got me.

But you're good. I'm okay for now. I mean, unless he just crushes me. 17 points for the flash. That's pretty good. That's half my... That's half my heal. More than half my heal. That's my turn. What's your max HP?

It was 58. I love how you're the big beefy guy, you 58, they have almost double, every single one of us double RHP. I will survive. And yet we're still winning. I'm going to use all of my movement to get to the corner next to him. Yeah. And I'm... Were you here? She's right there. One and a half. She can get there. Yeah, yeah, 100%. And so I'm going to...

reach out and I am going to

Yeah, I'm gonna reach out and I'm gonna grab his face and I'm gonna go, God, you're looking so cute! Let's change that! And I'm gonna cast Burning Hands. On this fucking guy? Yeah. Okay. What does he have to do? Well, he has to use a... Well, he's gotta do a dexterity saving throw, but his luck isn't so great because I'm burning his face off, so it's gonna be minus a d4. Damn. He gets a 17. Damn, he's only gonna take half of this.

Which is 11, so take half of 11. Okay. He screams in pain, and when you pull your hands away, it's like when you sit up from one of the metal slides during the summer that you went to sleep. In Arizona. Yeah, in Arizona. He looks like he went face first down the slide. The creature closest to...

The walrus is an orc, and he is going to, seeing what's written on the wall, just race towards that final slot there. Oh, no. Oh, this is brutal. And that is where he is going to be. What is he going to do with his turn that I haven't done already? I use my reaction. I don't...

Damn it! He is going to look at... I'm gonna roll a flip a coin and decide whether he attacks the one on the left or the walrus. He's going to attack the other one. That one fails an intelligent saving throw. He takes a certain amount of damage and he'll have to subtract 1d4 from his next saving throw. Okay. Walrus.

How strong, how healthy are they looking? The one that took the burning hands is looking the healthiest. The two, the one that just entered the circle is looking more than bloodied. And the one behind you is looking half healthy. Hmm. Let's see. Oh, boy. This is so great. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Thank you. I fucking love super deadly shit. I love that we just, like, here's the other thing, too, is I know that, like, nobody else knows what character's coming next. Unless you've changed your mind, I'm very excited. I'll take the week. I'll take the week. Yeah, take the week. It's 1130. If you change your mind. Well, no, I know it won't be today regardless. But I'm curious to see if you stick to what your original plan was. I have, like, four ideas. And I was very excited for one of those. I was going to rule the D4. Maybe I'll still do that.

I love that. Maybe I'll still do that. Either way, I love that we're going to get to see some other characters. I love that this is so deadly. I love that there's instant kill shit. I fucking love that.

I just love it. It's fun for a four-episode game. Absolutely. I don't want to do it 52 times in a row. No, no, no. And so this is fun. It's reminiscent to me of Kobold Storm. I mentioned this before where you guys, you know, tried to throw as many kobolds as you could at the Tomb of Annihilation or whatever it was. Like, that's awesome to me. That's fucking great. Yeah, and it's one of those things where it goes to show how powerful player characters are when this fight is so stupidly overtuned.

like insanely poorly balanced. I took five fireballs.

Fireballs. And it still took, it's an instant terrain death thing to kill me. It goes to show how fucking tough it is to take down PCs. The fact that literally anybody can walk up to you and be like, nah, you're not dying. Right. Death is so hard. I like old school D&D rules where you had to keep track of your negative health. Because if you had negative 40 and you healed 20, you're still at negative 20. You'd have to push it past zero again in order to heal someone to get them back up and online.

That's a fun trick. That's just a lot more fun. But it's a lot math-y. It's very math-y. Right, right. It's very math-y. Makes healing infinitely more important. You're gonna take the dodge action here pretty soon. No, here's what I'm gonna do. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna use my action... How many is it? ...to cast... This is a 30-foot cone.

Don't like that. Get the fuck out of my space! I'm gonna... I'm just the whole thing, I'm gonna stick my arm out and a bunch of frost will blast from my hand and... You guys think Cone of Cold? No, I'm not high enough for that. I was gonna say, holy fuck. I thought it was like a 6th level spell. 5th, maybe? Uh... It's 6th level, I think. It's 5 to 6, I can't remember which one. Unless actually what I should do... He's an orc, you said? Mm-hmm. What is this guy? Yeah, I don't know.

But I can't risk it if he rolls high. 'Cause it's, yeah, no, I can't do that. Yeah, I have to try it. Go for it, man. You need to kill one of them. I need to kill one of them. And I don't think I have anything single target that's like super-- Or just shove him. I mean, like, you do have the option to try to like strengthen him. Yeah, there's nothing stopping you from literally being like, I want to squeeze and try to push him five feet. That would be a simple plan. Is that an action though, or is that a-- I will tell you.

Because if there's squeezing rules that I can get in here with my movement... Yes, you can. You would be able to squeeze between and attempt the shove action. If you failed, you'd be bopped back out and you would be dead. But if you are able to... But the shove action is athletics or acrobatics. Using the attack action, you can make a special melee attack to shove a creature to knock it prone or push it away from you.

I can bend your luck. It can be no more than one size larger than you, which it isn't. Instead of making an attack roll, you make a strength check contested by the target's strength or dexterity, athletics or acrobatics check. You succeed if the target is incapacitated. If you succeed, you either knock the target prone or push it five feet away. I have plus zero. He has presumably plus eight or nine or ten. Dude, you're going to fucking blast the shit here. Just fucking blow his ass up. Yeah, so I'm going to...

I'm going to do... Ryan, let me just make sure, it's a con save versus a... Kona Kola's 5th level. I don't know why I thought it was 6th. Versus a... I was going to say, I thought it was 5 because I can use the wizard feature where I make it max damage. Oh. Overcharge it, because I can't do it above 5th level. That's the cap on overcharge. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, 3d8, it's a con saving for all of you. Awesome. Glitzy, you get plus 4. Awesome.

I get a 14. I got an 18. That passes. I got a 24. Nice. Woof. That's awful, dude. That just feels so bad. That's really unfortunate. 11 points of damage. There's no way. And I will quicken with my last sorcery points. Same spell? And same spell. 15. Fails. 16? Passes. Do I still get a plus 4? Yes, you do. Yes, you do. As long as you're within 10 feet of me.

Do we take half or do we take nothing? You take half. Oh, fuck. What are you rolling? 2d8? 5d8? 3d8. 3d8. Uh, this could be bad. Um, 23 this time. 3d8? You could smoke me here. You might-- if you roll max, you're gonna smoke me. Well, I'm conscious. Oh my god. Fuck.

18 points of damage. Jesus. This is never, I am so, I can't, oh my god, I healed myself and he just ripped through my fucking elbow. That's enough. No way. You hit this guy and he falls down smoking. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I squeeze in. Are you okay? I'm sorry. Oh yeah, I'm alright. Here's just a little cinch for what's new at the Wednesday.

I'm breathing heavily and I just hold my hand up to like signify that I'm still okay.

The final creature out in the wastes realizes that there's very, very limited time left. And as you all cramp together, huddling, the one elf sort of screaming obscenities at you, but happy to see that he has one of the four remaining slots. This fifth outsider is going to make a desperate move, a ploy to attempt to get his own space.

This is very bad for Bevar. This is gonna be-- He doesn't do anything complex, nothing explodes, there's no huge shattering attack. He takes a look at the closest creature to him,

Walrus. And he makes a melee spell attack against the target. I was going to say, it'd be so funny if he... I'm going to use my reaction. So he's walking up. I'm going to use my reaction. A melee spell attack. Technically, it's Thorn Whip, so the range is 30 feet. Oh, okay. And I'm going to use my reaction to subtract a d4 from his attack. And I'm just going to cast Shield. I'm just shielding, just preemptively. Okay, so your AP is... 21, 22. Nice. And then minus 1d4. Minus 1d4.

And that's it for my sorcery points. You are able to shield, and at the last second, the thorn whip hits that shield and stops and falls to the ground, itself evaporating. He runs, screaming, realizing that there is no time left, but there is a sudden pulse, and you watch, instead of his actual body coming at you, the pulse happens, and instead, an unanimated skeleton simply

stumbles forward and collapses in front of you and crashes and disappears into dust.

Holy shit. Battle CGI skeleton. Oh my god. And the three of you remain alive with but one other survivor, and all of a sudden, the moment that that skeleton clatters to the ground, the light transforms from red to white across the entire room. And all you see looking around is the absolutely microwaved remains of everything else. No, half-elf. No. That's the half-elf stuff. Your half-elf remains there, and the doors open immediately. Watching.

From the shadows. The third trial is completed. Not Felpip! Man, I was just starting to like that guy. He did it! Let's go, the walrus! The walrus really wants to keep the group together. Glitzy deserves the world, and the world deserves to hear her music, okay?

Babar's violence feeds us, we require more. The weak will burn under the feet of the strong.

This concludes the second day of trials. Enjoy your evenings. Think on what wagers you plan to make tomorrow and on whom. We hope you've enjoyed today's Cuddlefish Sweepstakes. And that is where we'll call tonight's session. Well done. Oh my god. What a session. That was close, man. Holy moly. Holy shit. Unbelievable. I love the zones. Yeah. I love the shrinking zones. Although now I really want to go play PUBG.

I'll play Fortnite tonight. I'll play Fortnite. Good. Good for you guys. Number one victory royale. I mean, I played last night and I got three crown fics in a row.

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Adventures podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud Over Saltmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legendsofadventures. If you want to chat about the episode with the Adventures community, join us on Discord at legendsofadventures.com slash discord. We also post content near the

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