Cuttlefish Sweepstakes | Ep. 4 | Farewell Dinner
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Welcome to Legends of Avantras. I adore watching the tusks slowly fall apart, crash and burn, and from the ashes of those hopeless attempts at companionship bring forth the god we are looking for. Gods I love to gamble. John Luke was vicious and heinous. I would have seen that rewarded.

I loved John Luke, but he had to go. That's one Kentucky fried bitch. I liked the lawyer more and more with every piece of blackmail. Jean-Claude, though he used grotesque methods, proved to be quite efficient in these sweepstakes until the end. Let the fires burn and the ashes of your enemies rain down around you, Glitzy.

As much as I enjoy Babar and his fiery spirit, his strength may be his downfall. I always knew Babar and Glitzy would stand above the remains of the fallen. Babar is ruthless, and that is what will get him to the end of this game. I'm pleasantly surprised that the walrus is still in this. Jesus!

Y'all, we really said let's torture these poor Fleen-Flel sportscasters by making them watch people die horrifically.

That's right! And without a moment to break or breathe, we're picking things up immediately with the next game. When will it end? When the last one standing is, well, the last one standing. Indeed. Did I hear you correctly during the last game that you participated in these cuttlefish sweepstakes previously?

That's correct. Does that mean you know what's coming next? Based on the familiar-looking gilded table the remaining players are gathering around now? Yes. Yes, I do. And you survived! Does that mean... Does that mean you won and ascended to godhood? Of course not!

Don't be ridiculous! Back when I played, the winner simply got to keep their life. I also got a hearty handshake and a hot cup of coffee. Goodness! Well then, what's in store for our players? A game most sinister. A game of trust and betrayal. And of course, the food is incredible. This is where I discovered Lamprodoto. It's just incredible when it's done properly. I'm not... I'm not sure I could eat knowing that each bite could be my last. That's basically every meal.

Damn. Well, who's left after everything that happened last round? We're down to just ten players now, correct? That's right. That's right. In this penultimate game, we've got an Aarakocra barbarian named Queek.

Babar B. Babar, whose middle name I recently learned is also Babar. An auto-gnome barbarian named G4RY64, though I understand he just goes by Gary. The walrus and a ladron of the winter court.

Galileo. Glitzy, the Bang Sparks. A halfling druid with the name Regan. A strange creature who goes by the name Glupshido. A Gnarlborn from the Crooked Moon named Breezy. And a dwarf called Bargrim that makes most other dwarves seem downright pleasant. Wait, is that dwarves or dwarfs?

Now is not the time, Verit. Any guesses as to who might take the ultimate prize? These two final games will test these players' wits, their social skills, their speed and their strength, and their willpower to survive. I myself remember the bittersweet liberation of victory, freedom and coffee for myself, oblivion for hundreds of other souls, the prospect of becoming a god on top of all of that,

is a daunting one. Perhaps these games are an existential metaphor telling us their stories about the mortal condition. Individual games like the one we're about to witness might seem trivial to the blinded critics and philosophers of today,

But the core of competition, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all. Barrett, pass me the whiskey. Let's dive in. Well done, Derek. Amazing. What's a yarn? Amazing. Can I just say I'm very disappointed that Derek...

the whole thing about the walrus. Because I was really hoping to say, and also the walrus. First of all, housekeeping. We need to figure out who, I guess not all of these correspond to anyone anymore, but we need to actually...

Correspond these to the folks that they were corresponding to last time. And I have fresh bottle caps. Oh, I have rose gold. I have fresh bottle caps for those new characters that we just mentioned. You seriously don't have a Budweiser? Ironically, I don't. I think I might have a High Life. Oh, I'll have a Samuel Adams. Um...

Oh, yeah, this bass, largemouth bass, that looks like Reagan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's definitely Reagan. That's definitely Reagan. If we wanted to, we can also flip them around and do...

Names. Bowercats, as long as we all remember, we're good? Okay, we're good. Additionally-- The bat one would be good for Queek. All right. Okay, now, when you put down one of your characters-- You can put Glitzy next to Queek. Put one of your other characters on the opposite side of the table. All right, that's doable.

Wait a minute, oh, I see. And it should be like the opposite. Not literally directly facing you, but if this is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Okay, but quick, where Derek's pointing at now. Quick needs to go here. You don't want us exactly across from you. Not directly across, just a little bit of variety just to make sure. And who else are we missing? Wait, what about me? Oh, I see.

So this is Glubb. That's Glubb. And this is Gary. That's Gary. Let's get the cameras. Oh no. Feeling the heat of the intense game of competition that you all felt. Not just you,

Babar, The Walrus, and Glitzy. But all of you have had friends in this competition. All of you have had your own share of experiences. You remember going through all of these games all together. And it's only the ten of you now, very cautiously and slowly making your way to the table as you're being directed by the pyramid head constructs that seem to run this game, or at least are its enforcers.

You slide some chairs apart, you sit down, you look at your new neighbors, and you realize that you have found yourself essentially in a very, very fancy banquet. And that courses are being prepared, a large number of forks and knives and tiny spoons all around you. Beautiful candles sitting across from you. And...

you realize that there's a coin, a very special coin, where the first plate is eventually going to be served. On one side of the coin, you see a goblet, and on the other side of the coin, you see a knife. I'm going to mechanically hand these out to you now. Everyone take one and pass them down. Jesus.

Oh, God. I don't like this, Derek. Yep, yep. And you're going to need a token of betrayal. Oh, God. And a token of trust. All right, Rich, yours are right there. Thank you. Oh, very cool. Thank you.

- Here are the tokens of betrayal and trust. - As you sit down, you realize that just by sitting that there is some sort of magical enchantment, some sort of aura. Attempting to flee the table feels like it fills you with fear, like there would be terrible, perhaps deadly results. You are locked into this meal with the

people that you probably will enjoy a last meal with, unless you should see through to the final round, whatever final game may be coming around the bend, or perhaps this is it. And music suddenly emanates through the dormitory. The rules of the game are very simple.

On your turn, and it'll be your turn if the chest that is floating above you floats above your character, one of your characters, you'll roll the death die. If you get a one on the death die, you die. Jesus. But if you don't die, you can choose one of your neighbors to your right or to your left and no one else at the table to converse with, to have a bit of small talk.

Whomever you choose, they will choose to trust or betray you, and you will choose to trust or betray them. If you both trust, the chest will move away without harm, and then that person will have to roll the death die and so on and so forth. However... Holy fuck. If one of you betrays...

that betrayer gets to choose where the chest goes. They just get that power, and it can be anyone at the table, save for the person that they are, save for themselves. And if you both betray, the chest remains in its spot, and you have to roll the death die and begin another round. Pretty simple, but it's a good thing.

difficult at an abstract level to convey. You might have to keep us on track. I will be the enforcer of the rules and I'll walk you through the first round. If you wanted to play a practice round, given the seriousness of this, I could play. No practice rounds. No practice rounds.

I have a question. Your questions are fine. Is this song in public domain? Yes. Yes, it is. Specifically, obviously the song is well past anything. I mean the version. The performance is, I double checked. Or are we able to twist the death roll? You are not able to twist the death roll. Oh, Jesus Christ. What is the death roll? Well, it starts as a detent.

And then it'll become a D8 when it moves, and then it'll become a D6 when it moves, and then it'll be-- This is gonna be a short episode. If it kills someone, does it reset? Yes. Okay. But only to each die smaller. So it'll start at a D10, and then it'll get smaller as it moves around, eventually becoming a D1. When you're saying that we can talk to someone directly next to each other, in Babar's instance, it's literally these two people? Yes.

Okay. And when someone dies, then the person who would be the next neighbor would be the next person that you could talk to. Okay. Cool. My heart is racing. I don't understand. What happens if we both betray? The chest remains where it is, above the person that it is. That's right.

I'll let you sit for a moment and the, now dressed almost in fancy waiter's garbs, the pyramid heads all sit down and place, as you take your token, place the plate down in front of you.

I'm gonna roll a d10.

- So are we allowed to talk to each other right now? - You can talk to each other cross-chatter table style, but I rolled a one and the chest swings down around whomever that is. - Bargrim. - Oh boy. - What does that look like? - Oh, this is a character we've not yet met. - Bargrim Ironguard is a dwarf from the Great Mountain Keep.

And he worships the greatest of all the dwarven ancestor gods, Clangor and Silverbeard. And he's got a great big bushy red beard. And he has full, he's clad in full plate armor. And he's got a war hammer. And he's got a big shield. And yeah, he's just, he is John Q. Dwarf. He's the dwarfiest dwarf that you could ever dwarf.

He's so dwarfy that it's dwarfs and not dwarves. Yes, dwarves he is. Oh man, this really takes me back. Bargrim, this chest suddenly hovers above you and you realize that you've been spared. You do not have to roll this death die. You innately know the rules of this game even after the rules were conveyed to you over time.

from some magic mouth that echoed through the dormitory. But you've also just finished the grim experience of the falling platform battle. Everyone had their own arena, and you were able to survive through sheer grit and dwarfiness.

And so you'd be able to choose the person sitting across from you, who is-- I believe, Queek. Queek? And then I don't know, and Gary. And Gary are your neighbors. Is it clear that

You are like a robot person. I presume we should probably go around and explain the other characters that are sitting around the table. I don't want to do your job for you. As we run into the other characters, I would have you make your introductions. And so sitting next to Bargrim is G4RY64, and across from her is Queek.

Characters we've not met in the Cuttlefish Sweepstakes story so far, but Gary, why don't you tell us a little bit about your story and what you look like upon first appearance? What you see seems to be a... There's no other way to say this. It's basically a felt automaton out of Chuck E. Cheese. But this is... But this is... I say happy, you say birthday! And

- And it's basically a cartoonish short wizard with a great big bushy beard, white beard, a robe of moon and stars, big round glasses on. He looks very Muppet-esque, but also elements of the Chuck E. Cheese bear jamboree.

style and moves, and you can tell that it's a little short wire. There's like sparking going on. And so his head's shaking a bit. And you can see that there is a company logo of Budweiser's Children's Beer Jam Parade. Yeah.

That's special. The jury faded. There's stains of, there's like mustard stains all over them. You can tell like it's like a Bavarian themed restaurant. But like this wizard, it's like, it's really just off. It's off. It's like the Italian chef who's the drummer in the Chuck E. Cheese. Pasquale. Pasquale's pizza. Yeah, the Pasquale's pizza. I was going to say Gary Biersch. Yeah, it's Gary, yeah. It's Gary Biersch. I'm terrified. And so, uh,

shaking in the wizard hat is very much flopping, but you can tell there's mechanics going up into the head, because the whole thing is his body. It's very insane. - Thank you, Gary. And across the table is, I believe, a Aarakocra.

Yeah, there's a small duckling Aarakocra, too small for these chairs, so there are a couple of pillows put onto the chair. They were very accommodating. Yes, that we could be at eye line with everyone. She is the smallest one of the ducklings, was picked on a lot as a kid.

So she decided to train as hard as she could, and you see that leaning up next to the back of the chair is this giant war hammer that she carries around. I think that's what I gave her was a war hammer. Impressive. She is a barbarian, and she is... She is... Yeah, she is...

Looking around, she's got glasses on that make her eyes really big, and she's sniffling a lot. Okay. But she is eating away at a little salad. Bargrim, you look down the table, and you know per the rules of the game, as they've been described to you, that for the immediate future, choosing to trust or betray...

one of these two creatures that are adjacent to you at your table is the name of the game. That is what you're being asked to do, and there's also a delicious looking stuffed Myconid cap in front of you. And so, when would I vote? Mm-hmm.

What triggers the roll? Ah, so in the order of operations, you will reveal whether or not you trust the person at the same time they reveal whether or not they trust or betray you. We determine the outcome of that. The chest, the skull, will either move to a new person because you both trust it and it'll move to an adjacent neighbor, which I'll determine randomly, or...

It'll stay on you, meaning you have to roll the death die because you both betrayed. Or if one of you is the betrayer, they get to choose anyone else to inherit the death die. If he rolls, if he has to roll, and he succeeds, what happens then? You go again. So the chest does not move, or the chest will randomly move? The person who initiates whether or not they want to talk to one of their neighbors is the person who has the chest on them. Okay.

So if I vote betray, and let's say for instance Gary votes betray, I need to roll? Yes. That is correct. Does he need to roll too? Gary or no? Nope. Only the person underneath the chest is under threat of immediate death. So the only way I don't roll is if Gary votes trust. This is an important wrinkle. Let's say that you roll and you die.

then the chest would immediately move to the other betrayer and they would immediately have to roll. - So that's the risk of trying to betray, is that if it kills you, they immediately have to roll. - And because this is abstract, I'll demonstrate by going this way. There's a little more room for me. - Is there a USB-C-H charger under the table? - There should be. - That doesn't look like one. That looks like one. - Let's do that. - Hold on. - Shucks!

This mushroom looks like the vegan option portobello burger from Budweiser's children beer brewery. It might be helpful if someone feels like they have an understanding of the rules to just put it on them first so that the people who don't have an understanding of the rules can watch how one of them has. I could roll again to keep it fair. The chest arriving on someone isn't going to affect anyone. So if anyone wants to start with the chest, they're putting themselves at risk. I'll go.

Yeah. You're too slow. I got the full nuts. Who do you want to be? Breezy. I'll take it over for Breezy. Which one's Breezy? I don't know. No, that's Regan. What? No, no, the green one's Regan. That's Breezy. Yeah, red. Okay. Oh.

So you would be able to choose one of your neighbors. Yeah. Okay. All right, who are these people? Let's say you chose, this is Regan, I think? Yes, that's correct. Regan and Glitzy. Yeah. Okay. So now, in order to... I choose Glitzy. I know the rules. Okay. Let me just write these down so that I have them. Regan...

Yeah. And then that's Breezy. And Breezy. Yep. And then five is Glitzy. Yep. Mm-hmm. And then... On this side's the Walrus. Walrus. It's a blue one. Yep. Then Rose Gold. I believe that's Mr. Glupshitto. Glupshitto. Or Mr. Shitto.

Then I don't know who's next. - Oh, this one? - Oh, that must be your-- - That's Galileo. - That's Galileo. - Galileo. - All right, that's gold brownish color. And then we got Babar, Babar, Babar. - Babar, Babar, Babar. - But most people don't know that the B is for Babar. - All right. - And then we got the rest. - Moving down the table, you see a Gnarlborn of a man. You see Breezy. Breezy, what would you look like to someone's first appearance?

What a good question. I look like a tree folk. Okay. A body of bark, no clothes, hair of vine and leaf,

swirling back behind my head. And not overly imposingly tall, and certainly more than just a little bit out of shape. Okay. I've got a lot of rings in my trunk. My midway trunk. That's pretty good. Yeah. If we were to boss act you, we'd find out. Yeah.

That's who you are, Breezy. Looking to your right, you can see a halfling, and to your left, you can see a fairy. You know from some short interactions you've had in your brief time in these dormitories that one is Glitzy and the other is Regan. Yeah.

Can I ask a favor? Yeah. Do you think you could organize the initiative cards in the seating order so that way we can see who we're sitting next to? I was going to do that. I was going to do that. So this is Bargrim. Thank you, Bargrim.

Gary. Reagan. Way to go. Breezy. Flitzy. Well done. Walrus. I'm Romance Reed. Nobody asked. I'm happy to introduce myself. You know, when the time comes. It's all right.

Not in a rush, it's all right. Does that help? Yes, that helps. Thank you. Significantly, thank you. My pleasure. Okay. Okay, I know that was a lot of setup, but Breezy, you realize that you have your choice over these Myconid caps of somebody that you would want to trust or betray. Yep. Whoa, does anybody else see this chest moving around? That's like pretty crazy.

Oh! Glitzer. Hey. Hi. Your voice is throwing me off, I love it. What a man. I just want everyone to repeat it back to you. This is the voice I always have.

You know? Oh my god, Fenn. I'm not sure if it's such a good idea. I've been here the entire Cuttlefish Loops day. I'm not sure if it's a good idea for us to be sitting next to each other. I cut bombs and you're made out of boar. I could ignite you into fire and flames. God, that would be awful. Unless you've been rained on recently or you're in a forest with lots of humidity.

Or your wood is waterlogged in any way, in which case fire does nothing to you. I found out those games. Oh, the classic waterlogged wood. Yeah. Are you feeling waterlogged? I'm feeling a little waterlogged. Oh, you're chill, mellow, vibe. Well, yeah, it's just the way that I do things, you know? Yeah. You would look, like, really good as a squirrel. No, I've never thought about that before, but I think...

be a little bit shorter, because I haven't seen any foot-tall squirrels before. Yeah, no, there aren't. That I've seen. But I

make a good squirrel too. Yeah. Well, that's kind of my goal or whatever. Is to turn me into a squirrel? Well, to turn everyone into squirrels and I'm getting pretty close. Could I still have my bombs if I was a squirrel? Yeah, I mean, you'd be a pretty bomb-ass squirrel. I like the way you said that. Yeah. If, let's say we get out of this together, I'm not sure how that would work. Yeah. Could I like, I don't know, hang out in your bow sometime? Yeah. Your bow? What do you, how do you pronounce that anyway? It's bow. Bow.

Yeah, can I hang out, take a bath sometime? Do you have like a little like spot inside of like one of those little knot holes or something I could like rest in and stuff? If I was a school, I could put my nuts, you know what I mean? Oh no, yeah, that's my whole plan or whatever is to kind of like...

you know, become a god and then turn everyone into squirrels. Okay. Because it feels kind of nice when they rise up and down there. So that's my evil plan. It doesn't seem so evil at all. You know, I was scheduled to get out of prison in 30 days and I chose to be in here. So honestly, I don't think I make the best choices. Squirrel?

As long as it got my bombs, it really doesn't matter, by the way. That's, like, totally gnarly. Well, it's been really nice getting to know you. Yeah. Well, I think it's time we either betray each other or trust each other or whatever. I know. That's going to be kind of scary. I wonder what you're going to pick. I don't even know yet. I mean, that's kind of my whole thing is just kind of like, you know, in the moment. Like, we're driven. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Okay. Well, good.

Oh, good luck, I mean, I hope it all works out for us or whatever. Yeah, good luck to you. Okay, well I'm gonna go ahead and hide my answer right now, okay? No hard feelings. Just, just hadza. Yeah, no hard feelings. No hard feelings. How do we vote? Just put it in our-- Pick the one that you wanna vote with in your hand, betray your trust, and then reveal it on go. Three, two, one, go. Can we get it on camera here? Just drop it like-- Oh! Well, I'm gonna have a hard time doing that.

Three, two, one, drop. Oh, reveal, that's good. Oh, you scumbag. Oh no! Scumbag trade. Breezy! What does it mean? It means that you betrayed. Yeah. That means that you get to move the chest wherever you want. Oh.

Oh, okay, well that's fine. I'll move it to G4 or Y64. Oh, so nothing immediately happens to me? Nothing immediate. Oh. Oh, which one, oh, is it this guy? Gary's the shield. Gary's the shield. Oh. Gary, why don't you roll a D10 for me? Hey! Oh, I move it to rolls a death die?

And then if he survives-- No, I didn't realize that. Who's-- no. Double scumbag. Yeah, no. Who's the other one? This is the list of Gluckshido. I'm moving to Gluckshido. Where's Gluckshido? Gluckshido's got it. So who's Gluckshido, Mike? Gluckshido. Gluckshido.

Tink-a-meat-chasa-glub-shida. You've never heard of this? Aupon-na-malia-cuttlefish-sweepstakes. Oh, I hope you roll a one right. Just immediately. You will see a, sold separately, a blue alien. Sold separately? A blue alien creature. He looks like a tall,

pudgy worm with a mouth. Ew. Two bulging eyes, like frills and long floppy ears. He's got a big bulbous elephant seal type nose. He's got four arms that are all kind of mismatched. He's really kind of more of a background character, but he has a very, very demultiple page, multiple comic backstory in the comics. So, he's not very important. So,

I get an SRP. An SRP is $25. You roll a d10. Get a 1.

A nine. A nine. The chest moves by your very thought, and looking over at Glupshido and the antithesis of nature that he is, it almost peeks open just a little bit, and you get a sense that there's this nefarious energy that could have pulled the very light, the very soul from Glupshido had it wanted to, but...

He remains the line. I'm sorry I betrayed you or whatever, but that guy's a stone cold weirdo. Yeah, I mean, it's totally cool that you betrayed me because you didn't send me to my death immediately after, so I guess there's a bonus. No, not you, but that guy. I mean, he needs to die. And the death die reduces to a D8. Last meta question. Do we know how many people have to die before this game ends? Or we don't?

Do we even know that we're playing a game right now? Or are we just eating netting rolls? No, no, no. You were made aware of the...

the nature of the game by announcing rules describing what the tokens in front of you did. That you would choose a neighbor and it would, revealing the goblet of friendship or the knife of betrayal, you'd be able to essentially protect yourself or try to harm others, hinder others. And that's exactly what you just did. And so you showed the betrayal piece.

It's okay to say no to my question. No, I'm thinking about it. Yes, I think that they would have indicated that only half of you would survive this meal. Okay. What color is the hoe? You have to choose a neighbor. A little, very pale yellow duck, like buttercup yellow. Who is gold? Gold is... This is me. That is... That's Galileo. Galileo.

The walrus? Is that the walrus? The walrus is blue. I wanna talk to Galileo. Oh no. Talk to the walrus. Glowchido looks over at this winter lantern and then immediately turns and sees Galileo. What does Galileo look like? What is his story? Galileo looks like a turtle person. I don't know how else to say this.

He's sitting at the table. He is green. He has the classic kind of like stomach, like kind of body, like the shell strapped to his back connects from the, connects from like this, almost like off yellow or light, I don't know. Yeah, that sort of soft under shell. Yeah, the classic under shell. And...

Yeah, I mean, turtle face, turtle body, turtle shell. How much should I be picturing the master guy from Kung Fu Panda? Is that sort of like the... A little...

Little bigger, not quite that old. Okay. I know he's more tortoise-y, but like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a friendly turtle, but not like crazy jack or anything, that kind of normal body, but he does look sturdy and hardy. And he has a giant net that's nestled around the back of his shell, and at his side sits like a lunging javelin.

- Okay. Knowing that there's great risk in the conversations that you have around this table, you turn and just at that time, another meal is delivered to everyone. A plate of deviled dragon eggs with underdark truffle oil drizzle. - God, this is so delicious. Guess if I'm gonna die, at least it was yummy.

Dubargon Oka S. Spelljammer Adventures in Space. Makumitaki

That is what Blunchet says, he does that all the time. I would like to, as an editor, editor's note, editor's note. When we put this episode up, can we get our editor to fill in, like, subtitles? Yes! Can we please get, and I don't care what it is, we just need subtitles. That's very funny. Oh, hello there. This food is totally awesome.

Is that what you said? Glupshitter. Shubagusa Galileo. Ah, yes, I too wish they had pizza.

As you say that, immediately, your plates are replaced with what looks like delicious pepperoni pizza. I peel away the first slice and the ooey gooey cheese drips off as I do. You get a long cheese stretch. It's fresh out of the oven. Mmm. Um...

I'll just look and just blink as I have like my forearms and they kind of articulate like action figures only for $25.99. Uh, uh, Chuba Inka Bunga. I initiate. I jump. I jump. That scared the shit out of me. I knew it was coming. I knew he was going to do it eventually and it just so scared the shit out of me.

Galva, as best you can tell, he's endeavoring to show you one side of his corn or the other. Are you just gonna randomize this? Put it on there? Are we gonna get it on camera? You're listening? Whoa! Okay. One, two, three, go!

Globshitto betrays. You have control of the chest. You may speak your strange Globshitto language and command it to arrive at anyone else aside from yourself, including the person that you're talking to. To Galileo. Roll a d8 for me.

This is untwistable. I too serve the dark one. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's what you hear. As suddenly the pizza stretch continues to be pulled as he's being pulled away from the chair. You watch as the chest opens like a mouth and he is pulled by a beam of light, inescapable. Whatever powers he had, whatever dreams for godhood swallowed in an instant and suddenly the chest collapses

clambers closed and all that's left are the string the arc of stringed cheese as Galileo is consumed and is no more as I get sucked up into the air I tie a silver ninja mask across my face and say this was a Ninja Turtles reference

Okay, so it goes back to d10, and now you randomly assign where the chess goes, or does it go on its own? Uh, the... God damn it! Oh, I have rules for this. No, it goes back to d10! You just betrayed and killed someone, right? I think that's only if they both betray. Oh. No.

I don't know. No, I think... Oh my god! I think that's probably if they both answered that. I believe. I could be wrong. Why? Is that like what happens? So what happens if both people...

Trust. Then it sounds like it randomly goes away from you. It's gonna do the exact same thing that I'm doing right now, which is I'm gonna roll a dice to determine if it's gonna go up the table or down the table. It's gonna come towards me. But it can't go back to the people that trusted.

Because if it can, then... That's correct. Okay, cool. Yeah, the point of trust is that it's going to get it the fuck away from you. It gets it away from you, yeah. It harmlessly hovers over Babar, and you realize that you can speak with Glupshido, the betrayer, or, to your left, a duck named Queek. I look over at Glupshido, and I see what has just transpired. Okay.

And my blood boils with the rage and poisons of 10,000 white hot suns. But I know that in this moment, I cannot defeat him in hand-to-hand combat at this table. Babar would have not been dining on food. He would have requested the finest whiskey and the finest cigar that they would have had to enjoy perhaps his last mortal pleasures.

They produce a red spider whiskey, the very finest. This is not their 25-year-old. This is a 100-year-old barrel-aged vintage, single barrel. It's the nicest whiskey I've ever had. It's the nicest whiskey that you would ever, ever, endeavor to have. It took me 30 minutes to build that. Did you get me? No.

- It's gonna be 30 minutes! - I look to my left and I see this small duckling, Aarakocra, and I look at the mighty weapon that she is wielding. And I look to Queek and Babar says, taking a sip, "I understand your name is Queek." - Yeah, but it's Queek. Do you want some of my salad? I'm not eating anything.

And they have just put down mixed greens with raspberry vinaigrette. I have decided. I like raspberries, but I want their smashed into vinaigrette and ruined with vinegar. It makes it real sour and so sweet. Enjoy. I have decided that I will enjoy this fine whiskey and this wonderful cigar, for this may be my last malt of pleasures. I tried whiskey once, but it made my beak numb, and then I couldn't talk for like an hour. We have one way out of this.

Yeah. You and I must trust each other. I mean, you look really strong. And I'm super strong, too. I mean, I look like it because I'm real small and I'm on top of some pillows right now. And I'm eating with this dainty fork. But I'm really strong, I promise. I can tell. That's

is why I have chosen to speak to you. That... Glupshitto cannot be defeated right here, right now, as I wish to clutch him and splatter his brains across the table. So what you're asking is if we trust each other, then the first chance we get, we're gonna send that thing to Glupshitto and hope he dies and won't go swoop?

The longer that we survive, the longer that we can trust each other, the more likely that Glupshitter will burn through all nine hells, one after the other for eternity.

You're so right about that. I think we should make sure we're gonna do that, but only five people could survive and Trevor just got axed. So we should figure out who else we're gonna trust. How do you feel about that truck guy? The tree man? Yeah.

He was pretty... adamant about turning us all into squirrels. I have to be honest with you, I have no plan of turning into a squirrel. Me either, I'm a duckling. What do you say? The time is now. So wait, we're not gonna kill each other for the ride where we're gonna trust each other? We must trust each other. That is the only way out of this. On the count of three. One, two, three, go.

We trust. We have both decided to trust each other. Okay. You trust. And the light of the, um...

The chest glows a little bit more radiantly, a little more golden, a little brighter, and you watch as it softly moves away from me two spaces. Dolores! As the chest begins to move, as the chest begins to move, I look to Queek, and I say, when there is no peril in a task,

There is no accomplishment when it is completed. These trials and tribulations are the fires with which our steel is meddled. I like you. You're motivational. That's what I need.

And then I look past the glupshido, and I look to the walrus, and my face returns, not to that vengeance, not to that anger and hatred, but to that stone, stoic look, almost of pity. Wait, does the walrus have to immediately roll? Yeah. Because we both trust him? Yeah, that's what I thought. You roll, you fucker. You immediately roll. I do? Yeah. Check the rules.

You got one in ten dude, you got one in ten! You got a 90% chance to succeed bro.

Okay, because someone died, the death dice starts in an eight. Oh no! So it didn't go back down to a six. And the next time it's gonna start at a six. And the next time it's gonna start at a four. Shit. So it's gonna be a one in eight chance. Fuck! And there's a 50/50 chance of it moving two spaces up or two spaces down the table. That's how the fucking game works. This is gonna get really brutal before the end. However!

We need to check in with the walrus before you roll. Before you die. And for no fucking reason, my music stopped working. Oh, you didn't say many. You all get death words. We all get death words. Why does this? What's that song from The Brave Little Toaster? Oh, God. It's fucked up. Yes.

God, that song slaps. But it's so existential and mortifying. Sorry, I'm just very confused. Yeah, that's going to feel real fucking bad. What am I supposed to do? Just die, man. Just don't die. Just don't roll on. It's that easy. It's harder than it sounds. Oh, God, I need to pick up that. What's my die? What's this one? This.

Let's try this. That didn't count. This is the funniest part. Okay. I love this game. The walrus. They nearly had to carry you away from the previous arena, having witnessed the death of so many. Jean-Claude especially hitting hard. Where are you, the walrus? Is he sitting down, staring at...

Spicy chimera soup with basilisk tail broth. Damn, that actually sounds good. I haven't eaten a bite, and usually I have a-- That's right. Endless appetite. That's right. I've eaten at least 3,800 grilled cheeses since the games were started. A lot of my grape tank salad. And I'm gonna lean over to Glitzy. Glitzy, we can still do this! Me and you, all right? Well, yeah, buh-bye, too.

No! He killed Freebird! Can I hear this? Yeah, I know, but... You're having a conversation with Queecus this time. You don't see none of this. It was gonna be Freebird or you or me. I didn't want you to die. I don't want me to die for sure. And Freebird, he had some photos of me. I didn't want any... His practices were questionable. I'll give you that.

He wasn't even named Dolores. You gotta understand. He's one of my oldest friends. I know, and his memory's gonna live on with you forever as long as you don't do anything stupid, man. Well, that's what I mean. There's only five of us who are gonna live this. Right, and three of us can be you, me, and Babu. Let's stick together, all right? We're just gonna kill that stupid duck at the end, that weird automaton.

Don't listen, all right? Because we should keep this guy. And then we got to kill the rest, you know? Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

You gotta, it's okay, it's gonna be okay. - Oh my god. - It passes over Glub Shido. - I'm just. - And suddenly the mouth of the chest peeks open. - Oh no.

Should we big screen this? We should big screen the rolls. Yeah. I love that. Oh, it's a seven. It's a seven. I told you it was gonna be okay. I told you. You got it. You're just in the people who've been with you from the beginning, you know?

That's right, we can do this. We can do this. The mighty tusks. The mighty tusks. We're gonna make it out okay. Here we are, just breathe, all right? Well now what? I think-- Do we have to vote? Do I kill someone? I think you get to choose someone to kill you and that guy right next to you is eating pretty loudly. No, I think it's me and you. We trust each other, right? You're gonna kill me? No, we're not gonna kill anyone.

I'm gonna try to kill someone else. Oh, okay. But if I talk to you, we trust each other, right? Oh, yeah, of course. All right. We just need to prove our trust. You think you see me? I trusted this tree guy and he betrayed me. No offense. All right. Well, let's do it then. None taken or whatever. This is for you, Johnny. Johnny. Incredible. Three, two, one, reveal. Oh, thank God. Both trust. Trust. I will roll.

And it's going to ascend two spaces back to Babar. Fuck. The death die is now a D6. Oh, God, Babar! Hold on, hold on, don't roll it yet, don't roll it yet. Are you gonna have a little bit of role play? What are you doing? Oh, God, Babar is looking at me!

Look at where it's going! The illuminating light of the chest passes once again over Glupshido as he-- Is Glupshido to my left? Yeah. Oh my god. Continues to consume the spicy chimera soup, just reaching into the boiling hot broth, like putting your raw hand into a hot pot.

And it again illuminates you as you're deep in conversation with Queek, who you've grown more and more interested in. I'm swirling this fine whiskey and puffing on the cigar. It's a big Zuban cigar. It bulges out at the center and sort of tapers out at the end. It's the perfect blend of savory and spicy. You're getting notes that you didn't think were possible from the tobacco itself.

I see, as I see that I'm having this conversation with Queek, I see the chest come back and I say, Um, that doesn't look good, my friend. No. No, it does not, Queek. But you're strong, right? You could, you could, you could. The thing is, I got shit on you. The problem is, Queek, that strength alone will not win this competition. All right.

If you only knew the things that I have done. If you only knew the things I've done. I may be small, but I'm one crazy ass motherfucker. I can sense it. I can sense it, Queenie. That. That's why we bonded. That is why we have chosen to ally ourselves together. Yeah. This might be my end.

Your memory will live on with me, my bar, and I'll make sure that I do what you would want me to do. Queek. And kill the shit out of that glum shit-o. You must. You must. First and foremost, you must. Wow.

Wow, everyone's in agreement to kill a Globjito. I'm just having the time of my life. I'll look and I see it's all just going up and then it'll just go babar and up. Dobari Babar, King of Elephants. I, Deepasa Jean. It occurs to me now how far I've gone, how far I have fallen.

But if I can make it, if I can make it just a little bit farther, the ends will justify the means. If you had a cult, I would be one of your acolytes and would help kill thousands of people in your name. I look up to the chest. I look down at Queek and I say, you may yet be an acolyte.

I knew you had an ending, my boy. I knew it. I take a long pull from the whiskey. Give me some of that, buddy.

The whiskey? Yeah. I pour some into her glass. They've brought over the bottle, and another snifter immediately lands next to you, and you get the sense that if you wanted to order anything at all, you'd probably-- Oh no, I want some of Babar's whiskey. I pour her some, and then I would top off my glass from the decanter. I'll pull down my wings and cheers with you. We cheers, and then I say, "To trust."

To trust. Two small bowls of displacer beast marinated olives are put down in front of you. They're actually really difficult to pick up. Oh, yeah. Three, two, one, reveal. We both trust.

With a trust, I will see if it ascends or descends. So what happens if one trusts and one betrays? The betrayer gets to choose where it moves. So no matter where it is. So basically, what if both people betray? Then it stays where it is. And you roll again. Right, right.

But then if the person who rolls dies, the betrayer then instantly has to roll. So basically the betrayer, so if the chess is over you, and then Kwee could have betrayed you. She could have moved it anywhere. Or left it where it was. The betrayer moves it anywhere. Or leave it where it is. Right.

Yeah. I'm switching over to mystery because my YouTube playlist is terrible and I don't know how any of you do this with YouTube. It's a nightmare. You must try this, Darby. You must try this, Darby. Oh. It moves towards me. To? Yes, and so it lands on Bargrim. I'm gonna use the restroom while I-- Bar the bathroom three! Can you bring me one of these? Yeah.

And as it lands, you'll need to roll a death die for real this time. And because we just had an eight, a six, it's now a D4. It'll be my throne. It's a D what? Four. It's a D4. Oh my god. I'm not gonna get rid of it. Save me, throne!

The chest starts to make its way over to a surly dwarf. What have you been doing with your time? The duck sitting across from you is largely engaged in whiskeys and cigars with Loxodon on the other side of the table. And immediately to your other side is this strange animatronic man who can't stop shaking and sparking. I zoomed for him.

What kind of wazzock Andrew Cooley made you? Uh, I don't know anything

anything that you just said. But all I know is shucks I love this chimera and displacer beast stew. It's not as good as our $5 happy hour special of kids tomato soup from the can. But it'll do in a pinch. - Kids tomato soup in a can suddenly arrives in a heaping bowl. - Well shucks, well this isn't Budweiser's, but it'll have to do.

A cold beer suddenly arrives almost instantaneously, cracking itself and sitting it down on the table before you. Shucks, I'm pretty sure that's actually a violation of IP, but you know what? Today.

And today could be my last. Bottoms up! Which of the Ancestors of the Gods do you choose to swear fealty to? Well, you know, I don't really have any Ancestors except for my inventor and creator, the B. Yancy Zurg. Well, technically the scientist that he paid. But it's kind of like him because he funded it. He was in his will after he died in a terrible volcano accident.

You know what I mean? It took him 64 times to get it right. By the way, my name is G4RY64, but you can just call me Gary. Everybody does. All right. As in true.

Hey, this is all powered on souls. Do you even have a soul? Yeah, I think I do from a certain point of view. I think that's why I was in prison. There's a lot of dark magic going on to make an automaton as functional as I am, you know what I mean? And shucks, I mean, I think if this goes really well, maybe I'll star in a hit video game series that a bunch of zoomers will love and get obsessed with. There'd be a lot of money in it.

A lot of convoluted deep lore that doesn't really make any sense. Anyways, we don't have time for all that. The doom device comes for me. But I know that clanging silver beard watches over me and will protect me in my hour of glory. Shudder, I think you'll be fine, fella. And I sort of just close my eyes and I... Bogrim, you're the best friend I've ever known. I hope your time isn't now.

Oh god, hold on. I need to find a better die that makes sense. If you survive, yeah, it goes to two and then to one. If you pass the two, the next person is just dies. But then it will go back up to a six when the next person dies. Here it is. This is too stressful, I don't need this. It's supposed to be Christmas. Christmas is over. Even boxing days go on.

D4? Yeah. Oh, I don't want to drop it! You close your eyes, Bargrim, waiting what fate you have for you, and you don't hear it. You don't experience nearly anything. The rest of you all, however, watch as the person who is Bargrim gets pulled,

suctioned into the chest, but by the time you have the chance to grimly open your eyes and realize what's happened, you are already in the mouth of the chest just as it's closing. It seems that Clangendon did not need an additional god, and you are not protected by his divine providence. That's it. Bargrim is no more. I guess I should have prayed harder, huh?

I'm thinking I ruined all this shit. I told you! I love the dedication though, man. You know what I mean? We gotta get a picture of that later and post it in the Discord. The death die is gonna start at a d6, but first, it's going to move. ... ... ...

It's going to move up towards Regan. That comes for itself. Hey! You sound like Kevin Bacon. Hey, Regan! You're the second best friend I've ever known. And now you're the first. So you would all see Regan. He is a half-elf, druid of the land. Sorry, halfling. I don't know.

I just have half elves on the brain always. Halfling drew to the land Swamp. He is from Ogwe, but way out in the sticks of Ogwe.

Yeah, you know, he talks a little like this. Might have grown up with a pet possum a little bit. You know, his name's Regan, but it ain't spelled like you think it's spelled. And you can see that he's wearing some real tough overalls, good pair of working boots. He'd have a nice straw hat, but that

hat's awfully beat up after these cuttlefish sweepstakes. It's a little sin. If Regan makes it out of this, he's going to buy himself a new hat, first off. Then, other than that, you might wonder how Regan got this far as he did. It's certainly because he can read, and he doesn't like that anybody might insinuate that he can't read because he's from the swamp. That's just ignorant.

So he's kind of Mr. Magood his way through here, and as this treasure chest appears above Regan's head, well, I suppose it's time for me to face music.

Is that right, Dungeon Master? No, it just moves to you. Oh, oh! To start the round over. Oh, because there's been a death. Because there's been a death. Yeah. Well, could I have a prime rib, please? A single prime rib arrives at the walrus, but for you, they've sat down some moonshine. Oh, yes. And a giant plate of roasted harpy wings with ranch dressing. What?

Why'd you assume that I would want to eat this? You see that everyone is getting a plate of this. This is, this is, this is what, is this because I'm from the swamp? You think that I just eat fucking wings all the time? You see the pyramid head. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

I don't want this. I want a regular sandwich. Just a regular sandwich. I'm just a regular guy. There's absolutely no need to make any kind of assumptions. A sandwich is immediately brought over to you. Thank you. Plain white bread, very limited condiments. Perfect. Lettuce, meat, cheese. Anyway, Mr. Tree...

I noticed that you're a tree. There are plenty of trees that are just, you know, out in the swamp. I think that that is the case, yeah. Well, there's also plenty of your kind out in the swamp. What's that supposed to mean? Well, just like fancy fellas, you know. I see. Well, you've got a nice hat.

Thank you. That's a little beat up. First order of business when I win this whole thing is buy new hair. Maybe wish for one. I guess if I'm a god, I can just make one come into existence. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, you definitely could. Let's get down to brass tacks. Okay. Well, I don't like tacks, but sure. Look, you're a tree. I'm from the swamp. Why don't you say we trust each other?

well I call it where you're saying and I want to win this time but he's way to do that is to trust each other are you ready on the count of three

Three, two, one, go. Oh. You fell for it, you big stupid tree. You're coming down. You dumb son of a bitch. The only thing that's got you going for good is that I hate glup shit no more. So. You're like really men or whatever. Oh, yeah? You become a squirrel. Uh-huh. You're just going to be the worst squirrel. Well, we'll see about that.

We will see about that. We're starting to like, whoa. Good luck, Mr. Shido. And so you send the chest to Glup Shido. That's right. Glup Shido, you're standing in front of a huge bowl of Kraken Inc. seafood chowder, and...

and not standing, sitting. It's hard to tell, but the chest immediately starts to swim over the table, the spotlight of it over you brighter and brighter and brighter. What do you do in this moment? I'll see that it's coming up, and I'll look down, and I'll just say, "He-chub-a-toob swamp people on the history channel."

The death die is a D6. If we could get it on the big screen. No, you can't fucking read that shit at all. Where's like a really high contrast? We'll use this guy. It's a little... It's a super high contrast. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Well, that's a nightmare

Glub Shido, really, Lajan will not be doing that. You watch as the chest opens and in a thin strand, Glub Shido is slowly spaghettifying his mouth. His mouth creates an opening like so he is spaghettified. It's like a

seeing someone take one of those oversized silver diner straws and sucking a transparent flan off of a table. It just disappears, noodling into space before the chest claps to a close and it's flat. Jackie Alltrade says, my goodness, glup to shitterine.

That's actually great. He did give up the shit range. That's very sad. I really enjoyed that shit. I hope we see him again in future episodes. I need to roll. I need to roll.

Holy shit. This is going real fast. Okay, it moves towards me to Queek. Oh no. And that's a d4. Oh no. And yes, that is correct, the death die starts at a d4. Oh god. You have the authority to connect with the person that you've been talking to, Babar, who you've been sharing with me. Oh, I don't have to automatically roll? No. Oh. I'm reset. Queek.

This is the first time you'll see Babara show a little bit of emotion after all this. It will not end this way. It will not end this way. No, and I'm picky to talk to, obviously, but though you started talking to me first, I was picky anyway, because I don't know who's on the other side over there. It's a robot of some kind. You know what we must do. Well, Club Shadow's dead.

Small victories. Small victories, Quip. I was prepared to come close to you, but you're dead. You know who's next in our sights? No. That horrific tree person. The tree must die. We do not become squirrels this day. I don't want to become a squirrel, because I'm already a duckling, and a squirrel would make me a little bit bigger than I am right now, which could be

I don't want to live in trees. We must, one of us, one of us must trust. The other must betray. Okay. That person will be able to move this demonic device. Okay, well, can I betray you because I trusted you last time and did what you said? So can I betray? I really, really chose to betray. Okay.

But in the betrayal... I'll set it over to him. I must trust that you will move this chest away from me. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll set it over that tree guy and I'll help you smite him.

Promise? We have to. Okay. Quake, you have to understand that I have severe trust issues. You must be really scared now, but I promise. I promise with as much as I am small, and I just spit all over myself because my beak is numb from that whiskey I drank. I will kill a tree guy if I can. Quake. Yeah? I do not fear death. I do. I do not. I do.

Well, I do not. Are we alive? This is our plan. We can sway this. The tree person is the farthest point away from both of us as well. It works. Don't get me good, they're not even away from us. Are you ready? I'm ready. Breezy, you're the third best friend ever. On the count of three, two, one. If I die.

I feel so bad I betrayed you, but I told you I was gonna do it, so is it really betrayal? Who knows? I am trusting you, Quick. Do the right thing. Okay. Die, Breezy! I said it's Breezy. If I die, I get to play that bar. I don't know how that works. You can play Regan. No, I don't think you can play that bar. You didn't really get a Regan this year. And we're gonna have to figure that out. It is a D4. Mm-hmm.

It is indeed a d4. Breezy, what have you been doing? You've been conversing with Glitzy. I've been looking at the fucking agonizing death of three other people while we're eating dinner. What the fuck do you mean? This is very uncool. We understand that this is, we're actually taking some shortcuts narratively. There would be meals where perhaps people wouldn't initiate this trust at all. This seems to be going on and on and on, and your appetite persists.

Your served farm-to-table braised... Farm-to-table braised Galthias tree shoots. Oh, he's going to roll? I'm going to level with you, man. I just watched a good person get sucked up into the chest like a silver diner's draw. This is very uncool, man. I mean, that's where I'm at.

Two. Oh my god. That's a two. You can't say-- No, that's-- Oh, I'll roll this one. The chest stops. And it opens and shutters for a moment, and as it opens inside, you can hear .

He's trying to get out. Mushroom. Why is this a stick? It kills me. Oh, yeah.

Holy fuck. So I get to pass it now? You now get to engage one of your neighbors. You can turn and talk to Regan and choose whether you want to trust or betray, or you can turn and talk to Glitzy and choose whether you want to trust or betray. All right, well, I know we had our misunderstandings before, but there is time to make amends. And let me start by saying that

If we work together this time, our riches in Agwe, we would say, are going to be fatter than a swamp possum with the most. And you're beginning watching this. I guarantee that.

Oh my glob. Oh my glob. Oh my glob. And also, you know, you don't have to choose a rig. No, it's locked down. All right, so we're just going to...

We're just gonna do the juice. You're starting to appreciate the gravity of having the chest over you, is that the person that you trust, if they betray you and you attempt to betray them, that means almost a very, very likely death for you, a 50-50 chance. It's never too late to just trust. Never too late. Do you know how to make lobster newborn? I'm taking order.

Lobster Newport is brought to you post-haste. Never too late to trust. You forgot the parsley! Never too late to trust. All right. All right, Mr. Tree? Yeah, Mr. Reagan. All right. It's Reagan. No, it's Reagan. Don't do that. No, it's Reagan. Let's just trust each other. All right. Let's trust. Trust time. Three, two, one. Reel.

Oh no! Well, my friend, I will see you in hell. What are you now? It stays on you and you roll a 1d2.

If you get a one, you die. Hold on, hold on. No, no, no, you didn't roll that. No, that just fell. What does the head look like so that I can see it on the screen? It says one and it says, well, no. This is the DQ. This has a one. It's hard to see. It's hard to see.

That one's better. Show the camera so we can see. So there's a one or a kraken. There's a cuttlefish sweepstakes. That's heads. Cuttlefish sweepstakes. And then that's death. You will rue the day that you ever tried to cross Regan Glitter Jam. So we want to see the cuttlefish level with you. You are Regan, but you are going to be gone.

We'll see about that. That's very funny. Yeah, we'll see about that. See ya. Goodbye, tree bitch.

You watch as first the bark goes, and then the next ring goes, and then another thing. And he's pulled section by section, branch by branch, twig by twig. All leaves suddenly lift from the seat and get pulled into the mouth of the chest before it comes down with a wooden crunch. And in that moment...

Regan then realizes, because he was also the betrayer, that he must immediately roll. My question is, does it become a 1d4? It's a d2. It was already a d4? Was it already a d4? I actually don't know. I thought it was a d6. And I think the next one's a d4. Yeah, I think the next one's a d4. But I have to add 4 to you. Does it reset? Because there's a death. So I die from the d6 roll. Yes. But the roll

And because it was double betray, that's the one that comes with an outcome where the person who also betrayed must also roll. So does that mean he just automatically dies? That's right, and my question is, is it a reset to a d4? A reset to a d4. Okay. So you have a d4 chance of-- Regi goes, "Heh heh heh heh." Oh fuck. Hold on, which ones are, this one's more visible. That's pretty visible, can you see that? Well, I mean, it's gonna be pointy no matter what. Let me just see. We'll let you when you get sucked to hell. That was better. That one's good.

Oh, fuck. It's a three. It's a three. Breezy. Well, see ya, tree bitch. And the chest moves. It took me 30 minutes to make that character. That's very funny. That's very funny. And we'll talk about, you're going to have to inherit one of the characters. I'll do it.

Oh, he gets the only-- oh no! There's Queek. There's Queek. But it depends on which one of our characters dies. There's one more character that's gonna die. That's true. So we'll figure out-- If the walrus dies-- Sorry, there are two more characters that are gonna die. No, just one.

One, two, three, four. There are only six left? Yeah, there are only six left. Only one more character needs to die. Oh, I didn't write down Globsheddo. He's so easy to forget. Oh, we're so close! You gotta correct in front of you, though. You gotta correct on the initiative. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so this happens. I was just gonna bring him back. You're right. So if it's only one more, then it's actually... And it's a D2. My apologies, it's a D2. Yes, I was doing that. Oh, wait, so should we do? I'll roll. Yeah.

If it's supposed to be a d2. It should be a d2. Because it would have been ten, eight, six, four, two. Yes. I'll roll. It should have been a d2. All right, redo it. I new coin though, I don't have a d2, so someone can lend me one. This cursed piece of shit. Yeah, thank you. You got a 50/50 shot, you jerk. And then I wave my hands again and I . Oh, fuck. He's gone.

Regan, you watch as Breezy and Regan go very quickly. They both betray, and the light of the chest turns red, and you are all hit by this light as you look inside, this impossible blinding light as Breezy gets pulled, and then Regan almost immediately after him, you can see his limbs and arms

legs hitting the side of the chest, trying to stop it, but the force is too strong. He's pulled free from his clutches, and with a wooden crunch, the chest closes.

And I-- Bavar slams his glass down on the table. As you do, the dormitory around you shatters. The table in front of you melts away. All of a sudden, you realize the five of you are all standing here.

Oh, shucks! I want a pizza! Standing here in a new space entirely, blinking, it's hard to adjust your eyes, but it seems to be middle of the day, a beautiful area, and looking around, there's an empty stadium all around you.

you look down and you're standing on turf, brilliant neon green, almost, grass. And in each of your hands looking down, you realize you've got

A bat, a muscle wood bat. It's time to play the sport of the gods. As it is known in celestial, sports ball is also called fleam flem. - No fucking way! - Ha, rest in kindling. He's going down, we're yelling timber! I'm too attached to all of them. Dude, the stakes are high.

Very near the end now, and still my favorite champion persists. I will savor our meeting should he survive the final round. The walrus is my sweet baby boy, and I need him to win. I have all fingers crossed for the walrus. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we volunteer to die instead of queek. Queek the mighty. Someone's gonna get quacked. I love that.

Hi everybody, Gary Goodberry here. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legendsofadventress and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including monthly movie nights and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas, Shroud over Salt Bar.

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That was your original one, if you'd like it back. This was your original one, if you'd like it back. I want Kweeks. So you get-- Kweeks is the right battle item. No, I got saving items. We're saving items. That was the shield. He's over here. Hold on. That's the shield. That's Kweeks. This is Walrus, Blitzy, and Bevarr.

You're all wandering around this flimflam arena. Some of you are familiar with the sport, very familiar. Others less so, but it's a game you've probably played at least once in pick-up games.

The rules are very simple in a traditional game of Flea and Flel. There are two teams of four or five on each side, and there's a tower. A tower that's equipped with a bell, and on the top of the bell, not on top of the bell, on top of the tower there's this bell that rings, indicating that a point has been scored. When it is hit by the magical orb that you do see

sitting there in the center of the arena. Orb that seems to float always, always perpetually three, maybe four feet up in the air.

You're also familiar with its magical properties. If you hit it, it gains momentum and bounces around like a son of a bitch. The AC and momentum and saving throw DC for the ringer are always exactly the same. Resting, it stops at eight and stops in the space that it is now where it would be at eight, but if you were to hit it with, let's say, ten damage, it would go up to eight

18 momentum, 18 AC and a DC of 18 and in the direction that it would go in. So for every five feet, it would go 18, 17, 16, 15, 14 and so on, bouncing off of the perimeter of the arena itself. You don't see an opposing team.

All you see are looking around the five Some of you strangers some of you have known each other for three days and You hear a voice yell out

Oh my god, it's a game of Fleen Flell. That's correct. The last game that we played is a game of the gods. A game they call Fleen Flell. The very one that we should be sportscasting for, announcing for right now. Well, they're going to play Fleen? I don't see any teams or anything like that.

No, it's a game to the death. Only one will remain after this final game of flamethrower. If they're struck by the ringer, they themselves will be destroyed. Jesus.

How do they start? Well, a toll will ring out. A toll when they're all ready to go and they've said their final goodbyes, perhaps to themselves or whatever gods they worship. And that's it? We're just going to watch them run around, hit the ball, try to destroy each other? Well, they can use the ringer or they can do it the old-fashioned way. This is barbaric.

Put yourself where you want to start, anywhere in the arena. Do you see the blue marker anywhere? I had to draw the map. Right here. Thank you, because I'm going to draw a cardinal direction thing here. Thank you. Oh man. We can put ourselves wherever we want. What does that mean? That means that on the battle map, you can position yourself wherever you want to go when initiative is rolled.

But like against a wall, or like at an edge, or just like-- You could be up on the flea ball. You could be within five feet. You can't be on the square of the flea ball, flea and flow ringer ball, but you can be adjacent to it if you want to start there, to something so potentially deadly and dangerous.

remember if it hits you, uh, it will destroy you. Now, uh, I will say that I will allow critical successes on the, um, dodging out of the way of the ringer. So, that's the only, because the,

the DC for the ringer could be like 30 or 40 or 50, depending on how much one of you crushes it. And I don't want that DC to immediately take someone out necessarily. You still have a 5% chance and you have all these wonderful twists that our audience has so graciously given us. So there's always a chance that you may survive.

Oh, boy. But tactically speaking, yes, you may choose where you want to start on the Flee and Flail Arena anywhere. In a corner, adjacent to the ringer, somewhere on one side or the other, next to one of the other players. Settle down where you want to find yourselves, and when you give me the green light, the toll will sound. Well, shucks, I love Flee and Flail. I love drinking a tall, cool Budweiser. Yeah.

I'm gonna go right up to it. Light screen? Hold on, actually. Is this version favored dex strength, folks? Yes, the bat that you have to hit it would be something you're proficient in and something that could use dexterity or strength.

You can also use spells to impact the ringer. You can use area of effect spells to impact the ringer. It'll go in a random direction. Only by a melee attack could you choose the direction-- - Have we had a long rest since-- - Oh, the banquet is a long rest. My apologies. Anyone who still used any of their resources from the last, yeah, that meal was extremely refreshing. That won't be true for Queek and Gary because you guys just started, but Glitzy, Walrus, Babar, you are at a full tank.

I can't believe three of us made it this far with our original characters. I know. I literally can't. It's insane. And we had a lot of close calls. Yeah, it's been very close. Fuck. I'm good where I am. You good where you are? Yeah. Everyone, thumbs up? I'll start there.

I can't believe that it all comes down to this last game of competitive Sleen Flail. It's going to be a free-for-all here in beautiful wherever the hell it is that we are. I think it's time for everyone to roll for initiative. Oh, natural fucking 20. Nice. I'm going to get a plus two, though. But fuck, I almost wish I didn't blow my 20. Oh.

Okay. Okay, I'm going to assume that that's going to put you in front. I got a 24. 24. Bavar? 22. So Gary gets to go first. Amazing. I got a 21. 21 for Glissy. You guys are killing me. 12. 18.

Okay. Now, bear in mind, given the chaotic nature of the ball bouncing, it is entirely possible that you might not even see your turn during a single round. This thing is going to be moving like a crazy son of a bitch. You know how Fleen Flo's played. Let's go. Gary, you find yourself the first to act, the closest to the Fleen Flo ringer. And how does it work? How can I choose where it goes once I hit it? I don't know. You can choose the direction. Um.

Presumably, you know, if you're moving right up to it, you've got a few different ways you can hit it. You won't be able to hit it backwards. You can hit it in any of the cardinal directions. Or you can move it around and go this way. You've got your cardinal directions here, if you'd like to reference them. North is going to be the TV, south will be Derek, and the numbers will be associated with each. If we need to do scatters, and I will do my best to count and help be the game coordinator. Thank you. And I will do my best. Just don't...

yell at me because I look fry. I'm a wizard, so it's time to use my wizard skill.

And I'm going to pull out a giant tower of Budweiser beer cans. That is my wizard staff. That is so fucking funny. That is so fucking funny. It mechanically is a lance. And I will then crack open one. I'll pour down a Budweiser. As I'll start to get in power, that is my version of raging. My reach extends by five feet with the lance, so I have 15 foot reach. Oh, shit. You don't have to move if you don't want to. If you want to change the angle, you can too. Do whatever you want to do.

It starts at eight, right? Yeah, resting is eight. Okay. I'm just gonna just reach out and smash it as hard as I can. Which direction would you like to send it? I think this way. This angle? Yeah. Okay. That works. I hope I'm not standing in a bad place for it. Actually, hold on. I'm gonna go... Can I get it from here?

That's more than 50. I mean... I can throw it 20 feet. Do you have to pick it back up if you do that? No, I'm a giant barbarian. Okay, I trust you. It's ice cold Budweiser! So you're going to hit it this direction. Yep. Okay. You just got to roll more than an 8. That's 20 feet.

20 feet. He says he can throw it 20 feet. Okay, I'm gonna throw it 20 feet. Reckless attack. Yeah, you crushed it. You only need to get an 8. Okay, yeah, I hit it. Cold damage. D12 plus D6 cold damage. Damn. But that's a C12, baby.

Seven plus seven is 14 points of damage. So that's 22. And I have multi-attack, does that count? I believe that we gave you, when you were a monk, we gave you the rest of your attacks. So do you have two attacks, is that how you're? Yes. You're taking one attack action, but it's like packing it into the thing. Correct. So I'm gonna say that if you have multiple attacks on your turn and you can do stuff like that. Throw it at the bar.

Yeah. It's the sandbag challenge. Yeah, this is the sandbag. That's a fucking perfect way of putting it. That is fucking perfect. So we can attack each other and just kill each other. Yeah. Okay. Jesus. Gosh, I did it again. Uh, well,

That's a good question. Is it AC now 22 after the first attack? Yes. So you have to get higher than 22. 11 plus probably 8. Oh, shucks. Well, I miss it. So it's just going to go off. 22. Okay. So you inflict 14 points of momentum to it, bringing it up to 22. 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. Here, Glitzy can hit it.

Resting is eight, so it should move nine, eight, shouldn't it? She gets a chance to hit it, though. Oh, that's right. As it passes you, you get your attack of opportunity. She just let it pass by. It is important for everyone to keep track of the reactions. Reactions is always very important. Glitzy's gonna let us know. Okay. Okay.

9-8. 9-8. It comes to a resting stop there. Wow, Gary really has a long wizard staff. You can say that again. Shucks, hey, hey. Babar, you're up. Use this one. Oh, yeah. It is way, way too far away for me to do anything. So instead, what I'm going to do is... It's actually 1d4. Hunter's Market.

Can I Hunter's Mark the ball? Yeah. Oh, it's 90 feet. Is it supposed to be a creature? Yes, actually. I'm going to give it to you.

I mean, I can just Divine Favor myself instead, which is totally fine. Actually, what I'll do is Thunderous Smite is concentration up to a minute, and it's the first time I hit with a melee weapon, so I will cast Thunderous Smite. Okay. And I actually like where I'm standing, I think, so I don't even think I want to move.

I'm watching this ball fly around the field with just absolutely like hunter eagle eyes. And the weapon that I've been given to swing with is now crackling with this heavenly power. That's my turn. Okay. Bavarda's standing there. He seems to be readying himself for the coming attacks. Not really close to the ball. I wonder if he's planning something.

Glitzy, you're up. Glitzy is going to shoot the bull directly towards Queek. Yeah. Oh yeah, you can. Good work, you! Oh, and she's gonna use Eldritch Blast to do that. Yes. So it's resting. Natural 20. Oh!

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So even if the AC goes skyrockets, you're good. Yeah, well, this one is a, so it would land both. You're good. And so. If she had done the 21st, then the next one would have been a 14. I risked killing myself here, too. See, that's fair. But I'm gonna, we're still just figuring it out. So let's say that it went 1420.

That's fair. I didn't think about that. I mean, it's not that much damage. It's 10 points. Well, no, actually, I'm trying to get 10. 18 points of damage. 18 points of damage. Gives us up to 26. Straight to quick. Well, what was the nature of your attack? Just Eldritch Blast? Yeah. 25, 24, 23, 22. It's just a glitter bomb. 21. Now.

You have your reaction. As soon as it enters your reach, you can use your reaction to attempt to hit an AC-21 creature coming at you. If you fail, you still have a chance to dodge out of the way. And so the dodge will be at a DC-20 because it'll move five feet into your square and then bounce away. So you're fine. You don't have to use your reaction to jump out of the way, correct? You just, every time the ball, like,

That's correct. That's correct. Because it may pass. You do not have to use your reaction to dodge out of the way. It's a saving throw. So the reaction is just to be able to get an attack. You may use your attack of opportunity now, or you can just rely on jumping out of the way. Oh, quick. It's a 21 to hit. I'm so drunk. I'm a freak, yes and no. But as I see this ball moving towards me, I don my mask and activate my ring.

Dark Queen Duck. Dark Queen Duck. And I will try and crush it that way, if I can. I will recklessly attack. Okay. The AC is 21. Yep. I'm going to bend your lock. Oh, my God.

And you subtract a one from it. Okay. I think it hits no matter what. 12 plus...

I think it's 12 plus eight. Which is not it. That gets you to 20. Yeah, it's plus eight. And then minus one is 19. So you get a 19. Now you need to roll a saving throw to see if you get killed instantly. Well, I have an advantage on saving throws. Is it a deck save? Yeah. So I have to beat a 20? Yes. And I have a plus...

Four? For what? Did Dex hit? Dex is plus four on a quick, yeah. What does that one say? You're at six. You have a plus four, so you need a 16.

What's that one, Seth? Nine. You have to twist these. Oh, oh! Can I now have twists? Yes. But the twists are just one additional reroll. What do you need to-- Jesus. 16 or higher. Twist again. Yes, sir.

Thank you, chat. Thank you. Yeah, this is going to be-- Natural one. All right. Don't use that die. I just like that die. Use the obsidian one. That's so cool. No? Keep going. All right, pull the twist. Pull the twist.

17. Did you get it? Oh, my. No, it's an 8. I don't know why. It really looked like a 17 from there. Holy shit. Were you there? No, I was one over. How many twists do you have? That's a 5? He's only on one line. No, that was the last one. That was the last one. He's quick step. Ah! Ah!

Chad was so right! Chad was so right! Chad said, Queek is gonna die because Mace is the person who's gonna kill Queek. I'm one of the nicest duck you've ever met. Over a twisted fucking tango. Quack!

Okay, all right. So, Kreek is eviscerated. The ball flies towards Kreek. Feathers explode in all directions. And Kreek, just like all of you, is wearing this belt, and it seems like the belt and the ringer interact at the same time. And what was a...

explodes into feathers and viscera and violence in all directions, revealing the essence of Queek, a soul on the inside, and you see it get pulled into the ringer as it continues on its path. Yeah, because it's at 20 there, right? So it goes to 20 after it collides with Queek, and then give me a d8 roll, Derek, but re-roll seven, six, or five.

Three. It's going directly east, so it will be 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12. Give me another roll, re-roll, three, four, five. Seven.

Back. What did I say? 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8. And it comes to rest, and you can see it crackling with this energy. It seems to have been suffused by Queek's essence. Queek is off the board. I'm sorry, Mace. You showed up to play games, and you just get absolutely destroyed. It took me an hour to make this. LAUGHTER

And then it took me ten minutes to just mask it. I watched you do it. I don't know what to tell you.

I miss Jean-Claude, I'm sorry. I know, once Jean-Claude died, it was really all over. I say, I say, I say. What does it say? When the sun has set, no candle can replace it. Damn! That's so sad. That's so sad. Glitzy, good turn. The walrus. It's the walrus's turn. Holy shit, that was violent! Yes, it was quite gross when I did it, too.

As the ball hit Queep, Glitzy would have said, boom. And she just looks really sad. Damn. She just looks really sad. Hardcore. Boom. Boom, love it. Oh, wow. Boom. It's Lexia actually understood the reference. Holy shit, we got some real ones in here.

Oh god, what do I even do here? I predicted this. So if I shoot with the spell, what happens? The same thing that would happen. You roll the spell. Yeah, yeah. You have to be able to hit it. It automatically fails saving throws. You do damage to it, and then you can kind of pick a direction that would be reasonable for you to shoot it into, right? Like, you can't make it come back

towards yourself. Right, it's gotta be-- Think momentum-ly. Or you can move and change your angle, right? I could move, but I kinda like this spot. I don't blame you. I'm just going to, I'm gonna wait and see how things go. And I am, what's the range on this? 90 feet, five foot radius here.

I'm going to just shoot a frost. Mace, if you want, you can play tank hammerfall for a while. You can be one of the announcers. Let's just come behind the desk with you and we just do the announcements. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, if you want to yell out announcements, I can be this guy and you can be the other guy. All I have to do is talk like an announcer like this. Oh!

All I have to do is talk like an announcer like this. Yes! Very exciting game. It's a big deck, Amber Paul. That's right. 17 points of damage. That's 25 total. And I'm going to send it

If it comes here... I'll send it. So... I think generally it would bounce here. Oh, yeah. If that changes your thought process. And then this would bounce here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But past you, right? Yep. Yeah, okay. I will send it...

I'll send it this way. Sure. 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8. Ripped that camera, Paul. That's so true. And a tragic announcing accident. The walrus is also playing it cautious. They've all seen how deadly the ringer is. Twitter? Oh, shucks.

That reminds me of our Peking duck special of Sundays. She got roasted. Jesus. Delightful assortment of spices. That's right, we're upscale. We got duck. It's your turn. Oh, it's my turn. Yeah, I didn't know. I just rolled one. I just ripped it. One, two.

Gosh! Can I send it in any direction? Any direction that's reasonable. Yeah, yeah. You can send it in any of seven directions. You can't send it, like, back towards yourself, right? Right. Wait. I was here, right? No, you were right on the corner. One, two, three, four, five, six. I think, actually, do I have more movement than the Barbarian? Well, and you have more if you do one and a half, three. Oh, yeah. Four and a half. Yeah, I'm just going to go right out of here. Six. Yeah.

So I hit it this way, right? Yeah, we'll roll a d8 to determine if it goes which way. Okay, I'm just gonna throw my wizard staff magic! I cast wizard staff! Here we go! Shucks, I hit it! I'm gonna try to, as it gets, oh, I gotta see how much damage I do. Hold on, I gotta knock a shitty dice for that.

It's probably going to be even worse than I remember. D6 plus a D. Where's my D12s? Shucks, I'm just riffing for you. Oh, shucks, not very much. Seven plus five is 12. 20 total. So your second hit just has to be a 20 if you're hitting it again. Okay, shucks, let's try it again. I throw it again. It does beat a 20. It's a 20-something. Yeah. Yeah.

This is gonna be very bad. 12 plus seven. 19? 19. 39. 39! And you're hitting it into this corner? Is it gonna hit me? Well, no, no. So, well, it could potentially pass through us. But what'll happen is if it goes here, Derek will roll. I'll need a seven, an eight, or a one. So if you'd rather do it where you roll...

a D6 and divide by three. We do, you know, we're... I'll sit in the corner. Yeah, okay. So we're going to do 38, 37. Let me write that down. Derek, roll a D6 for me and tell me what you get. One. That's this. So it's going to go this way. So it's just going to go here, which is going to be 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31. Roll another D8 for me. Three. I'm sorry, one.

Uh, re-roll. It bounced in a weird manner. Five. 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27. Uh, roll for me. Another d8? Yes. Three. 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17. D8. Shaps is bouncing all over the place! Eight.

This is just like one of the games we had in the arcade! 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, one more to get, 7. 8. There it is, the bar. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. Yikes. 5, 10, 15. And I'm just gonna try to crush this thing.

And you still have Thunderous Smite. I do. So that's going to hit for sure, which is a...

Yeah, 'cause it's plus eight, so I hit no matter what, right? Yeah, you basically have to knock it off. So it's gonna be 2d6 plus 1d10 for the paddle. I have to use the paddle? Yeah. Oh, that's nice! That's gonna be seven, 10, 16, plus five is 21 points of damage, which is 29. I can't hit it unless I crit. I'll just try to do my second attack. Mm-hmm.

I do not. And I'm sending it this direction. Okay. 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13. Walrus, you have your reaction if you'd like. 13. 13.

That'll scatter, right? Yeah. He could come back. He could. Highly unlikely. Yeah, but... I'm gonna let it pass. Sure. 12, 11, 10, 9, 8. That was Bedbar's turn. Glitzy's up. Glitzy.

- Oh, it's my turn. - The fairy is making her moves, Tank. - I'm gonna charge up my glitter bombs again and I'm gonna shoot the thing directly towards Gary 64. - Oh, shucks. - I'm gonna look towards Babar and I'm gonna be like, "Trying to send it home, buddy." And I guess I have to do it one at a time.

15 plus eight, so that's 23. Okay. Eight plus eight is 16, so the second one misses. Okay. First one hits, and that's gonna go... Oh, I'm stupid. That's not... 10.

So it'll be 18. So hold on. You rolled a-- the first one hit, did you roll damage for that first one? That's the 10. Yeah, that's the 10. Because I wrote down 23. That's only 18. So what was your second attack roll? 16. My second attack roll was 16. Oh, OK. All right, all right. Because I had written down 23, but that was not the damage. Yeah. So it's 18 to move the ball.

17, 16, 15, 14. I am going to use my reaction and crush this motherfucker. I know what you're doing. Directly towards Gary? Yes, yeah. I look as I see you fire off these blasts and you say what you said to me, I look you in the eye and I say, alley-oop. Boom. I knew a lady named Alley-oop once. Yes, it's 15. 12 plus eight is 20 to hit.

That hits. I'm sorry? Might come in the marker. Oh. It definitely hits. And is it as soon as it enters my range, or is it as soon as you reach? My reach, okay. Which is a lot. I'm going to smite this.

First level or second level? I'm thinking second. It's going to let her up? We don't have a lot of time here. I don't know if we made a lot of opportunities on these bad boys. So that's going to be what, three d8s? For a second level smite? So the d8 plus the d10 plus the 5 is going to be... I will roll the smites first. That's 13. It was 15. So 13...

Plus another eight is 21. Yep. Plus the 10 from the paddle. That's nine. 30. Which is going to be 30 plus five is 35 on top of the 15, which is now 50. 49. Oh, actually, no. You could probably hit it from 15 feet away? Yep. 49. Is he AC? Yes. Oh, shucks. I got to crush this thing. Oh.

Okay, I'm just gonna twist it till I get a natural 20. So you're using reaction to hit it first, and you've missed, or you are just trying to dodge? He's twisting it. He's twisting it, I'm just gonna hit it. You're twisting to hit it. Twisting to hit, and then twisting to dodge. Oh, shucks! Oh no! Man, fishing for crits. This was two. This is so genre. Double sevens.

Double 11s. Double 7s, double 11s. Crazy. The last one? Nope. My last one. 11s. Oh, shit! Thanks, Chad. Gary, I hardly knew you. I'm pretty sure that that just... I can't stop that, right? I am allowing you to... Oh, you've got one more try. You've got a saving throw. This is it.

Your advantage, you're a barbarian. A 10? 10. No. No? Not at all. Trust me! Can we talk about the fact

- What about the fact that it's the original characters that are the last to turn around? - The ringer flies through the air, exploding Gary 64 into mechanical pieces. You see Leatherette and Fur and

and all of the pieces that made him, but anyway, flying in all directions, but there's a kindling on the inside, an essence of thisness that once was Gary, and it is swallowed, absorbed by the ringer as it flies past, and like a sonic boom, smashes into the opposite wall before continuing to bounce.

There's my hold. Gary has no more. So now, uh, he... Mikey and I together have just absolutely runded through characters. Yeah, yeah. Assuming it scatters off of his, uh, exploded corpse. Oh, yeah! It should, right? Why not? Let's go. Oh, give me a one. It's going right back the other direction, which is gonna be, uh, 44, 43, 44, 42, 41, 40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28...

Are we bouncing or is it going right back in the other direction? Just bouncing. I'm sorry? Just bounce. 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8. And that's where it comes to rest. Whoa! G4RY64! He's out. He's done. There's no more. Oh. Well, he's still tired. Thank you. You seem a little quiet.

Is that me? You want me to tank? Yeah. Have some more whiskey. I know you don't normally witness death, but that's because you don't live in my district. What is this character's name? Tank Hammerfall, and I'm Verret Day. Verret. Verret. Indeed, Verret. Well, Verret, absolutely. Glitzy with Glitzy and Babar now with the first two confirmed kills on the field. Oh!

day in fleeing. I think I heard Babar say alley-oop right before he spiked it into Gary's chest. That was a very cool thing to say. Not very respectful. He's getting to the deathmatch portion of this very easily. Whose turn was that? That was Glitzy's turn. Walrus, you're up. I look at Glitzy and I'll say, Look, I've never been athletic. My uncle always told me I didn't have the makings of a varsity athlete. Yeah.

I'm not

but I don't know if I can help you. I take my magical ice king wand and I'll point it out. You're flying high with me. Free birds. And I'm going to shoot Ray of Frost. Just a cantrip, just a little cantrip. Sure. Okay.

Oh, yeah, you got it.

Well, you see he's got a very high saving throw, so we gotta go for spell attacks for five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 points of frost damage, and your speed is reduced by 10 feet. Oh man, no save? No save. Okay. Oh, that's really nice. All right, all right.

And then I'm going to move back. I remember this. Towards the end, you become like an animal and you turn on everyone and everything. They have certainly begun to turn on each other, Barry. We haven't seen this since the Fleeam Championships in 32. Yeah. That was very funny. That was pretty sick. Babar, you're up. You get your reaction back. Thank you.

Oh, that's a quick one. Oh, yeah. Oh, uh... Eliminated. An eliminated. Arian Queek eliminated. Oh, God. Queek. Poor Queek. She flew too close to the sun. I'll wait for a Vantress and Chill to talk about what my Queek was in prison. That's very funny. A riot. I will use 20 feet of movement.

And as a bonus action, I will Misty Step directly on top of the walrus. What's that? Is it 30 feet? Yeah, it's 5'10". And then three more? There's only five? One, two, three and a half. Four and a half, five and a half. Four, yeah, okay. And I will attack you twice.

The first one will be an 18 to hit. Well, much more higher than that. 26 to hit. The next one will be a 19 to hit. Shield! No.

- You know, Tank, it's been more than six years and we've never had a battle royale on this channel before. - They have completely forgotten the ball. They are just turning on each other. We are no longer playing flea and we are just playing slapstick. - That makes sense. After all, the ball only goes in eight directions, but fists and swords, they can go anywhere. - So it's only one hit? - One hit. - Okay. I'm gonna smite that one.

Jesus. Do I still have to use the regular paddle or do I get to use my regular weapon? Use your weapon. All right, the 2d8s for the smite damage. Is that first level smite? Yes. So that's 12. Then another seven is 19 plus five is 24 points of damage. Oh, fun! Oh!

I killed Zonglod for you! I killed him for you! You ungrateful little-- That's the only sound that comes out of the Walrus when he's struck by a powerful warrior. That is my turn. I only have two spell slots left. Oh yeah, half calendars are fun, fun, fun, glitzy.

and I'm gonna throw a fireball on him. Holy shit, I love that. Don't make me throw this again, okay? You remember what happened, the fell pip. Just let it go. Incredible. I have nothing in pip now. So you both have to make a dexterity saving throw.

I love this. And I'm empowering the spell. I got a natural 20 for 26. So you'll take half the damage. It's 16, right? It is, I believe it's a 16. Let me just double check. It should be. I pass. I'm doing a third level. I'm wasting my 20s. Yeah, 16.

And so it is how many d6s? Eight. Can I get some d6s? Yep. My dears. Eight d6s. Five, six, seven, eight. No, I don't need any. There you go. Damn. I'll keep this one, I'll keep this one, I'll keep this one, I'll keep this one. I'll remove all these ones. Better. So it is going to be 20.

32. So 16 total points of damage. Holy shit, what an explosion. They should call her an unfairy. We are engulfed in absolute fire. This is dissolving into a complete bloodbath, Verit, but that was very funny. That's why they, well, it's just Verit. We should just get to playing the game. We just let it

I had 30 days.

I'm going to avenge you one way or another. You look like you're about to die literally right now. You are already 90. Yes, that's true. I took a lot of damage just now. I'm sorry. I don't know how to control the fire when it's coming.

I'm going to face-step. Oh. One, two, three, four, five, and a half, or, let's see, one. Does that ignore attacks of opportunity? Yes. You need to make a wisdom saving throw. Oh yeah, I forgot about this. That's fun, wisdom saving throw. Sure.

The Ladron are fun. They are fun. He's also a very good Disney film. Is it against being charmed or flamed? No. Yeah. 17. That pass. Mikey, you can be Barrett if you want to. Is this for him to be able to hit you? This is for him not being able to move.

Towards me. Did you ever see the film, The Ladron? What I know that that's what you're trying to do is just preventing them to be able to get close. I will twist luck and take off. Very similar to the genie betting on these games. It's a four, minus a four. I will cash in a twist. It will still be minus four to all of your rolls. Sure. Oh, that's a 19. Minus four is 15. That fails. I'll allow it. Beep, beep.

We can do this another way. Tank, it always dissolves into a bloodbath. The things that I've seen you wouldn't believe is the reason why I drink Red Spider Whiskey. Our sponsor today. Whenever I have a long day of horrible flashbacks to whatever I'm referencing, I love drinking Red Spider Whiskey.

It's a great smooth taste at half the cost of competitors. That's red spider whiskey. Here's your bag of gold, Mr. Day. Oh, thank you.

I wonder if the... Tank, do you ever wonder if the clients are going to let us go after this is over? Are we going to be thrown onto the sacrificial altar? Well, Varan, I really haven't given it too much thought. I really just hope that it is...

We're free. And they put us right back where they found us. To be fair, you never really give anything much thought, do you? Well, that's very hurtful, Barrett. Well, the truth stings. I guess it's true what they say. Oh. Why don't you

just drink up another glass of that red spider ale? Another tall, frothing glass of red spider whiskey, not ale. Ale whiskey. Ale whiskey. Aged in ale casks. Is it supposed to be frothing like that? I'm having a boiler maker right now.

It's delicious. You put a shot of whiskey into a beer and then you pass out. I am going to, before I duck behind cover here, I'm going to shoot another ray of frost, I think. Sure. What?

Glitzy's trying to convince them not to fight, but you have to understand that from Babar's point of view, the walrus is evil. I'll twist it. From my point of view. I'll twist it. There's a lot of twists. 17? 18 is my own. I'll twist it. There's a lot of twists he's got to go through. There we go.

- Well, and it's only just for... - That's why we have him, Tank. - This is a bold strategy, Barrett. Let's see how it plays out. - Tank, is your name Hammerfall? - 15 points of cold damage? - Yes. - Are you-- - That's my last name. - Are you named after the power metal band Hammerfall? - And so you're afraid of me until the end of my next turn, and you are-- - What? Wait, wait, I asked if it was against fear. - No, you said against being charmed and fair.

Yeah, Charm of the Imperials. I have advantage against it. Okay. So then you can roll again, I guess, right? For the fairy stuff? Yeah. Is that what it is, or is the raid what did it? No, the raid reduces my movement speed by 10. Oh. If the ability has advantage, then he has to reroll. Yeah, so just roll one more die. And I twisted. Yeah, so you rolled two die. A 19 plus eight, 27. Yeah, that would do it. That does it.

So that fails, but I will, yeah. So the damage and then your speed is reduced by 10. Roger. Things are getting very sweaty down here in wherever this arena is. He's not listening to reason, Babel. I tried, buddy, I tried. I knew that this is exactly what was gonna happen. Glitzy is just crying. Yeah. Uh.

Mascara? Yeah. Oh boy. As an action, I'm gonna use all 30 points of my Lay on Hands. For a while you bopped up all the way, I'm assuming. No, no, no, I was pretty low. Then I have 20 feet of movement. Is that still true? Yep. Yeah, yeah. That was a separate thing. Wow. That was a separate thing.

Oh, man. If only they had played... I can't believe how quickly both Gary and Queek died to the ball. Yeah, really an upsetting showing out of those two. I mean, just instantaneous.

I can't believe that these three are so durable. Everyone else has been like tissue paper in comparison. Mikey and I have each played five characters, I think. Is that true? And I had to borrow one from Nicky. So really quick, what gives you advantage on being on tier? It's being charmed with aura protection. It's not that. It is this one. I'm going to clip on it.

It might be racial. I don't know. Maybe, I'll click, because here it doesn't say that, but that's weird.

Loxodon Serenity. I have advantage on saving throws against being charmed or frightened. Oh, it's so racial. That's fucking amazing. Wow. Who would have thought that Loxodon was so wise? I want to win on a seven-day bender with B. Yates and Zurg. Guide that man with anything but wise. And then I think I have to see you to be able to do the other thing I want to do. I'm going to go behind cover. My favorite part of...

This whole competition was watching Glut Shudo get vaporized. And the screams that he made will live with me in my fondest dreams and memories. He really did have a very specific howl to him. Maybe he would recreate it. Okay. Glitzy, you're up. I'm sorry, I made the beat.

piece of chicken before i die i think you're in good shape right now sorry i went to a witcher three place as soon as you're eating yeah yeah yeah chicken and fighting at the same time i'm gonna be honest i don't know what to do because you're not gonna stop fighting each other and at the end of the day one of these is gonna die and then i'm gonna have to deal with the last of you that's right or you're both gonna turn on me so

Sorry about this, guys. And I'm gonna cast Neltharismith Shift on top of both of them. What does that do? Damn. What does that do? I'm gonna second a level. It is a, oh, it is Charm. And it's a 20-foot cube, so it should be able to reach them. Definitely. No. No? Oh, yeah, 20-foot's a cube? One, two, three, four, it would need to basically... If it was here...

One, two, three, four, it can either get-- Oh, it's something to 24 radius, I got it. Okay, well I'm gonna do it on Balbar, 'cause he's the healthiest. I'm sorry, buddy. And then I roll a d4. What's the save? It determines, it depends. Oh. A wisdom saving throw. Luck's the dumb. It's all charm? Or is the effect dependent on the d4?

Yeah, they're all charm. Okay. Yeah, it's all charm. You know what they say about Loxodons? They never forgive and they can't be charmed. Yeah, and does nothing. They never forget to kill. That's what they say. Okay, well, I tried.

That's all he got. Wow. Who would have thought a pixie would be mischievous? Tate, what do you think about that? Well, I definitely did not see that coming. What has really impressed me is how quickly they have turned to just killing each other with quick

And Gary dead. It was all fun and games. And when those two went down, uh, here we are. It seems as soon as the bar murdered Gary, all the gloves were off and all bets were off. Once he hit that ball with the righteous thousand burning sons, there was no going back there. That's true. I think that once the walrus saw the bar murder, uh,

Jean-Claude Chanticleer. There was never any outcome besides this. It was always going to come to this. I mean, Jean-Claude, what a stand-up guy, you know? Yes, exactly right. And Jean-Claude didn't get liquefied, but no one did. Club shit out. He's already kind of liquidated. It's your turn. Oh, my turn. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah.

Glitchy Descent. I'm sorry if I didn't yell that loud enough. I was listening to the sensors. I'm just going to keep going because there's going to be a lot of metagaming. This runs itself now. All I have to do is occasionally make a judgment. One, two, three, four. One. One, two, three, four. Two and a half. So first I'm going to...

Wave my wand around and my crown will light up and I will use a sorcery point to make Rhymes Binding Ice a bonus action. Nice action. I cast a cone. It's a con save, 16. Speaking. Omnitrix. Ooh.

14's probably not enough, I'm gonna twist. It's a 16. It's a 16, he says. So, just bounce. Thank you. I'm using them now, because I'm gonna last much longer. That's a 19. So you take half of 18. Nine points. I'm in trouble here. I was never a math magician. And then I am going to cast...

My action will be casting the cantrip again, Rear Frost. Yeah. 18 plus. That's fine. Speaking of Gluckshitto and being liquefied, I was... 11 points of cold damage. Our new sponsor, Florbo Floptavious Flop Fiber Pills. I had nothing but pain.

Painful, violent diarrhea for months until I took Florbo Floptavius fiber pills. And now I'm as regular as the sunrise and sunset. Thanks, Florbo. I can ride a bike again. That's incredible. It was just tricky that first day. You looked like an empty Capri Sun. The walrus has...

He is using his namesake power, ice, in order to dominate the slow Aloxadon. He's focused mostly on brawn, not mind powers of speed. I'll tell you this right now, I would fudge my score in his mini golf course. That's for sure. I fudge my pants. You have to make another list of saving throw as you move through. Floor bows. Oh, really?

Oh, it stays for a minute. Floorball Flamtanius has five appeal. 20? Yeah, you pass. It's just 16. And Babar is out for blood as he chases down like a stampeding elephant that he is. They do call Babar the king of elephants. I use my action to dash. He is sprinting now, full charge. He is charging down the field. That's a bonus action.

All I can do is try to abjure enemy. You'll just have to make a wisdom saving 15 saving throw. Or otherwise be frightened and your speed is reduced to zero. Natural 20. Yeah, you're good. That's my turn. I mean, he's got a million twists, it's over. I'm done, so. That bar is not long for this world. This is desperate, let's see. I'm gonna drop a fireball on top of them at a level three. Whoa! Woo!

What's the range on that? 120 is fucked. Yeah. If not, it's not even fast enough. It's 150 feet. Yeah, you can just put it here, too. It's 100 what? 150 feet. I mean, the whole map's at 150 feet. Yeah, correct. Oh, things are so loose. That's a dex saving throw.

With how cold things are getting with the walrus's powers, now Glitzy is coming in with the bomb. I'm going to twist that. It's the tale of ice and fire. Oh, that's exactly what I was going to say. I'm going to twist that. Oh, indeed. It's the tale of ice and fire. Oh, we've been cloned with the horrible dark technology of the clients. I got an 18. The many-headed syndicate is truly...

I'm still gonna use it. It's minus one. I said I used it before I knew what you had. Half of. So you're gonna take half of and then I'm going to-- That's a lot of damage. Metamagic it. Oh, Jesus. Empowered spell. To reroll what, ones and twos? To reroll up to five of the die. Oh, any ones you want, Jesus, that's pretty good. That's freaking wild. If you take in the whisk. I might be done-zo here.

Of the Varyn, how are you feeling about this? Are you getting memories back to our time in the ring? I am, I am. Oh, it's just like I remember. 38 points of damage. So half of that is what? 18? Wait, 38? 19. Yep. Yeah, 19 points of damage. Not looking good.

You see as... We can do it! Me and you! As I fall unconscious. Oh, God! I'm still gonna stop fighting! I'm supposed to! Holy shit! What was I supposed to do?

Verit one and Verit two. It is down to just Glinty and Babar left here. And he is all the way across the map. Things are not looking good. Unless you're Glinty, of course. I move forward five feet as I raise my maul to cave in the walls. Oh my god! Does anyone have a raincoat? And I attack twice. Ah!

Is there anything I need to do special if you're unconscious on the ground? You roll advantage. You roll advantage. You use you to hit, please. 20 to hit. Yeah, it hits. A million to hit. Yep, that'll do it. Is that coup? Coup de grace? Yeah. How's he gonna get out of the... Oh, God! What's he doing? I killed Jean-Claude for you! Oh!

You smash into the body of the walrus and you feel the coldness, not just in the air around you, but in your very soul as you begin to take your allies' lives in this desperate fight for godhood, perhaps, but also just to survive. I, after covered in viscera and charred from all of the attacks you've done, I am looking

I look like I'm not going to hold on much longer. As I look to you and I say, what's done is done. You can easily kill me from there before I can close distance. The choice will be yours, but I will move towards the ball.

And I move 10 feet towards the ball using the rest of my movement. And I end my turn. I'm so sorry! I'm gonna cast, uh, use one of my spell slots to regain two sorcery points, and I'm gonna cast my last third level five on top of the bookmark. I only had 30 days! I wasn't supposed to be here today!

Oh my god! And then I'm gonna use... Yeah. And then I'm gonna roll it again. So it's a D, it's a 16, but... I mean, if you roll high enough... I can't even, I can't save. There's nothing I can save against. Jeez.

Well, after the walrus's brains got splattered everywhere, I bet Babar is wishing he had a rain jacket. That ye could have picked up a very affordable and stylish jacket at harbor. 31. As this fireball rains in on me.

I drop to my knees and the maul falls from my hands and I say, "Friends, brother, I tried so hard.

This is the end. There's nothing left but me for judgment in the nine hells and against Gigantus Elephantrus Illustris. As I close my eyes and the fire engulfs me and I fall unconscious. Oh my god.

You fall to the ground and you watch as the Loxodon body of Babar falls backwards, landing in a heap against the charred grass, what would normally be a brilliant, lush, healthy green. Instead, a round, chaotic blob of brown and black and ash. Is that the end of your turn?

Yeah. I'm a fart. But I need a 20 to get up? I don't know. Yeah, I guess a 20 would stabilize you.

He's got a lot of twists. He's got 17. He got twists. Oh, yeah. He did it. We did it. Just this one. Jean-Luc did it. Jean-Luc will see you in hell. I'm using him up. There's nothing left. Might as well.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My eyes flutter and I think, is this death? Is there an afterlife? And I smell the charred grass and I see the walrus's battered, disturbed body and I say, fuck, the gods are not done with me yet. And I will attempt to make two attacks on this horrific flea fall. Your vision's blurring. Jesus Christ. Your warhammer is heavy, heavy in your hands, but you put all your strength into...

17 to hit. Whoa. Tank. I can't believe the bar got back up.

Is an elephant literally too angry to die? It certainly seems that way. After that explosion, I didn't think you'd know what area code he was in. And I'm just going to smite it. I got nothing else to do here. I mean, I'm like, I'm really... Might as well. Gods, I love a good game of Fwell. I prefer it when they don't die so much. Plus the 10 from the paddle.

There's another six, that's 18, plus five is 23, plus the original eight is 31. And I'm just gonna send it this way and just try to send it towards Glitzy and see what happens. But, you know, hey, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 25, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8. And again, I look to Glitzy and I say...

Endless! Do it! Only do it! They have lost all semblance of humanity on the court out there. It is really turning into... I am going to... I can't do any more fireballs. Oh!

Your house is going to blast you from a million miles away. I'm going to hurl a Chromatic Orb at you. Oh, wow. And it's going to be fire damage. Okay. And you need to do a... Is it force and fire? Oh, no, I roll for it. I rolled to hit you with it.

15 plus eight, so 23 to hit. Let's do it. I curl the four-inch diameter sphere of energy that I can see. You take three damage. Oh, it's just going up. You guys survived, somehow. He's got that poppy passive where when he's at one, he can't die. Well, you have a twist blow. I mean, I could have tried to get my health, but yeah!

21. As I hurl it at you, I'm like, I'm only misery, papa! I hurl it at him. I mean, unless you can do 59 points of damage and kill me outright. I can't. Okay. I drop Unconscious. I've got four twists, which is five total attempts to roll a natural 20. Okay, it's your turn. That's my one roll and a twist.

Yeah, I should be rolling, sorry. And down he goes again. Last one? No, no, no. Second to last one. I roll a natural 10. No! And there's my charred-- I have no hair left. There's no hair, like, anywhere on me. My charred body, I-- again, I use the flea fall paddle to stand first at my knees.

I stand up. Let's see! Come on, buddy! The gods are not done with me yet. You must have really pissed someone off. The devil's in the hell's drill, Twanji. You can't be with the boys!

Master yourself! Steal yourself! And fight! I have

As I stumble 15 feet forward. And I use my action to stumble another 15 feet forward. Well, this is terrific. No, I'd stand up. I'd lose half 15 times. We was reduced. Yeah, so there you go. There you go. Okay. I hate you! Yes.

I know it's a bar, but I'm always not to the he hates place. I'm using the flea fall paddle to steady me, almost like a clutch. I feel so bad about this. But just know that Yuri lives on in me. What is the one thing that if I become a goddess, like they say they will, what can I do for you? You want me to bring your brother?

Yes! Okay. Yes! Break it back. Send me to the hells for all of the evil that I have perpetrated. I'm trying. All right. Goodbye.

And she's gonna blow you a kiss and as it flies towards you it's gonna start swirling into an orb of fire and she's gonna chromatic orb fire you again. That landed on coins. So that is gonna be

22 to hit. Oh, just miss this. Well, I'm trying! I have one twist left. And that's doing 12 points of damage to you. All right, I go to the top zero. I have my one death saving throw and I have one twist. Oh my god.

Is it 18? I was like, I swear to God, if that was a natural 20. Here it is. This is it. This is it.

No good. No good. Babar... That's a one fail. ...has a death saving throw. Has one death-- has one failed save. Now you can just finish me off. That's true. As this final attack comes in, I again brace myself for impact, and Babar utters a small prayer to himself, and he says, finally,

This will be my time. And then he falls unconscious. Failed saving throw. No, you succeeded. The first one was an 18. Oh. Oh! I just didn't get a 20. Okay, all right, I have one success. You gotta deal some damage or I'm getting back up. Okay.

Unbelievable. Glitzy is gonna move towards you. Yeah, probably gonna do it. 30 feet. Well, he's not within 60 feet, yeah. Probably pretty darn close, but if you have to move like 10 feet to get there, so be it. Six.

You literally just go here. Yeah. So Glitzy will go there, and you'll see her hands start to ignite with glitter bombs, and she's going to let loose two Eldritch Blasts. They're both disadvantage. Yeah, but I got twists. That's true. Out the wazoo. And so, yeah. So I'll use a twist. Wow, that's three, so I'll use another twist.

What's your AC? 18. Wait, does that fly when he's down? Yeah. Wait. He's wearing the armor. Range attacks are going to be when the target's prone. I'll do one more. I'll do one more. What about air?

I'm still rooting for K'var, I don't give a shit. So like if I, well not, but what if it were, well, 'cause that's a hit too with a fucking Chromatic Orb. No, is it? Yeah. Any dex save, yeah. There we go, so that one, the first one will hit. Okay. And with tears streaming out of our face, she's gonna go-- That's one fail. Bang!

And that one's also gonna hit, 'cause it's plus eight. - That's two fails. - Boom! And she's gonna hit twice. So that's two fails saved. - Life needs you. - No, I have one fail. - Nice smoke out of you, yes! - Holy shit! - He gets right here! - He's got a turn! - He's literally too angry to die. - You see as these elephant's blasts slam into my bar, like his body like walks up against the wall, but he's still breathing.

Oh my god, you resilient fuck! Can you just die already? This is it. This is it. Holy shit. Well, this isn't necessarily it he could save. Well, I guess, yeah. I have to get a nat. He gets a 20. It's my only hope. And then even then-- I mean, I could spend all my twists trying to hit you. That's right. You have to. You gotta fucking kill me. Damn it. That's a success. I'm dead. You got me. I like that it hit the walrus's body. Oh my god!

- I'm sorry buddy. - It's my turn. - Natural 20 and a 17. - You got me. - And so with the final one, she'll just shoot both of them at the same time and she'll go, ba-boom, ba-ba.

And that's it? And in that he dies? GG's. That's it. Life leaves you, Babar, and the souls pull into the ringer. And you watch as the arena is destroyed.

drenched in shadows, draped, pulling the walls in, the grass swimming around you, shrinking, shrinking, shrinking down. For a moment, there's only you. The bodies of the slain all around you seemingly disappeared. It is just you and this glowing ringer until you see another

a glowing chest, and floating, the ringer sinks into the open mouth of the chest. Hello, pyramid heads. What am I supposed to do here? This is some kind of mimic.

Looking around, you don't see any pyramid heads. You don't see the dormitory. You seem to be in a totally open space. You're not even sure what you're standing on. You feel like you aren't blinded by darkness. It just feels like you are in an almost abstract void where there happens to be gravity. And you find yourself there for but a moment.

totally with your own thoughts, feeling what it is you feel to have been the survivor among hundreds of other lives. I never should have incited violence at that Vans Warped tour that one summer. I never would have been in prison to begin with. And I should have just put a book in the library for 30 days instead of killing my dear friends. But here I am.

In the void, an empty void. I should write a song about this. Tease my hair and cry when I sing it. I guess there's only one thing to do. Hope that's not a mimic and open that chest. Well done! Oh god! Did you, were you listening to everything I was saying? You hear a voice and turning around you see a familiar face. It is the face of the guard that you remember who first offered you this opportunity.

They still have a very changed look, an expression that you'd never seen on this face except for the last time you saw him. And you realize that this is the face that whatever this entity is, whatever this inviter was, is just the face that they happen to be wearing while they talk to you. Well done, Glitzy, you've won the contest.

Yeah, so I just open that chest and I claim my prize? To ascend to godhood, one must be willing. So yes, you can open the chest, but your prize is the chance to become a god. You may also leave if you do not want the mantle of godhood thrust upon you. You may be freed.

Taken right back out. You wouldn't be in prison anymore. You could just be on your way. Yeah, but I just killed my friend, so... The choice is yours. Put that thing in there, some kind of trick. Can I see the fine print? There's no contract. What? You...

All right.

Well, I made a promise to Babar on his first dying breath. Maybe it was second. It was definitely before his third. That I was going to do my best to ascend to godhood so that I could resurrect his brother for him and finish the mission that he left unfinished. If there's any chance to get my friends back, I'm going to take it.

even if it kills me in the process, 30 fucking days. And I'm gonna walk over, I'm not even gonna fly, I'm just gonna walk over to this little thing and I'm gonna put my hand on the chest.

Tusks win, and I'm gonna open it. You open it, and inside is divine light, and you realize that you need only reach out and seize that divinity to become one with it, to ascend beyond a demigod or beyond a heroic adventurer. With this power, you would make a...

level 20 character, look the way a level one character looks to a level 20 character. To put it in order of magnitude greater, you realize this is no lie, truly. This is the chance to be a goddess. Glitzy will consume it. She will slurp up that power. Time to see what fucked up thing dare to come out of her mouth. I know, I can't wait.

A staircase illuminates before you and every step of the way you define your deity qualities. Tell me, what is Glitzy's portfolio, her divine domain? If I were a cleric of Glitzy's, how would I follow thee? What would I do? Oh yeah, it's the domain of dance. It's all about music and joyousness and fire.

Joyousness, fire. Chaos. Chaos, yeah. Chaos. Yeah. We take another. We party. We party all night long. Party, uh-huh. We're not part of the shadow fell and that domain of dread and get a or whatever, but I know that that's an all night party. This is also similar to that. It's just a.

It's a little more chaotic, you know? We can't control our emotions, we can't control our magic. It's like a mosh pit of religion. Okay. You take further steps and you feel these qualities of yourself crystallize. These things that made Glitzy her person become a...

is a series of ideas almost as you ascend into the abstract. What would your symbol be? Oh gosh, a bomb. Duh.

You take another step. How would your followers refer to you? Glitzy certainly becomes a sacred name to those of you who believe in the faith, but there are titles. Do you have a title that you would want for yourself or perhaps would be known for by reputation, infamy, fame?

And I'm not a very creative fairy, so probably just the bang. They call me the big bang. And some even think that it was my coming into the universe that just created everything. That's what I at least lie to people about.

What powers do you immediately take upon yourself in your first moments of godhood? In these few seconds, you have the ability to assume immortality, perhaps, or telepathy. You could create an entire plane of existence. The entire breadth of your divine power suddenly becomes, you become aware of.

Oh, there's like this spell called Enlarge of Reduce. So I would like to have something like that, but it is destruction and rejuvenation. Destruction, rejuvenation. Yeah, so I can basically destroy entire cities or raise entire cities. Or like the other kind of raise, not the first destruction kind of raise. The staircase understands, and you ascend once again.

And when you deem it so, what kind of artifacts would people... Oh, leather jackets. Oh, leather jackets. Yeah, for sure. Hell yeah. It's a Fonz. Fonzarelli. Anything else come to mind for artifacts, or is it all leather jackets, just hanger after hanger of them? Oh, it's just hangers after hangers of leather jackets. And finally, when you...

Visit the mortal world. Not any of those shitty, like, I'm talking like the leather jackets that flake away. Leather. Yeah. No leather. Bonded leather, you know, like if someone had a red bonded leather jacket that over the course of like four years playing in a D&D campaign, it flaked all over the floor. It wouldn't be like that at all. It'd be real leather jackets. Understood. And when you deem the,

it necessary to visit the mortal plane yourself when you when you swim down when you're not doing your divine business and connecting with your worshipers through faith or through radiance uh hearing their prayers or doing what godly business you decide for yourselves what is your avatar how do you visit in physical form to the world known as a ventress oh it's a fairy

Yeah, like this cute punk rock fairy that just hangs out with a jacket that says Glitzy the Bang Sparks on the back. And so you look very much like your mortal self. You sort of reassemble. You begin to-- Oh, but my hair would be green instead of pink.

So that way no one was recognized and I would wear glasses with green But they would be studied Studded like cat's eye glasses Each of these details come into form by the nature of your very thought by the very nature of creation by the nature of your ascension when you realize that

You are bound to this form. You are bound to your godhood, certainly, your goddessnessness. Above you, dozens of shadowy faces stare down.

and you feel the force of their wills. Platinum trammels bind you to a banquet table. You attempt to move and push out with your godly powers, but so do the gods around you, the clients they're frequently referred to.

These trammels hold you. Circles of arcane runes swimming above you, shimmering divine symbols pouring in all directions, primal flows of energy, psionic strands surge and sway all around you, a tremendous amount of power needed. But you are a newborn god still new to your powers, and you are stopped.

your return to the banquet table, but this time as the meal being served. Oh, shit! Clients, sharpen your blades. Prepare your forks. And the rest I will leave to imagination, for the meal is divine.

But that's not where we're gonna end tonight's session. A little while later, the announcers find themselves standing on an intersection, having been zamped back to Galtica. - The correct word is slooped. - Slooped, slooped back. - You're welcome. - To Galtica.

They've missed the final game of the 43rd Grand Flane Folau Prime Material Plane Championship. Their pockets are filled with precious gems and platinum. They are alive. The sun is setting on the horizon, just below the horizon even. The day is darkening quickly.

An older blonde human, graying hair, faded blue eyes, a bald dwarf, short even for a dwarf, especially stout, with more mustache than beard. So that's it then? All that for some kind of dark ritual of deicide? And the entertainment of the deadly games, I suppose, yeah?

Simply terrible. I didn't think gods could die. Who are we to comprehend or judge such celestial things? Come on, I'll buy you a drink. Thanks, Ferret. I think I'll just wander a bit and find my way home. Take it easy. You do the same, Tank. Maybe I'll learn who won the championship. Well, see ya.

Tank walks restlessly, aimlessly through the streets for some time. He passes shops and restaurants, parks and living complexes, districts, waterways, and stone buildings of governance. He strays without a destination in mind until he reaches a clothing store. He goes into the clothing store not

just pausing and moving down through the artifacts, one item after the other, until a leather jacket catches his eye. And he looks at it, pulls out one of the many coins in his pocket, and then places it into the pocket of the leather jacket. Feeling perhaps some form of relief, he turns back home to rest. And that's where we'll call tonight's session.

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