Icebound | Side Story 3 | The Choice To Head North
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Derek Hudson and you're listening to Icebound. Gabagool, Porcos, it's been a hard few weeks, months even, since your experience in the mountains. It's been a month and a half since you met with Daisy and traveled, you, yourself, and your brother.

into the mountains and were confronted by a terrible monster. A creature that you don't know the name of, but many call the Remorhaz. And you barely escaped with your very lives, only because of the strength of the one you know as Alcatra. Were you able to wake up the next day to the solemn news of the death of Sausage, your brother?

He was so young. He was just a kid. He was a good kid. 42 years old. The two of you have been journeying since you woke up one morning to find that Daisy had moved on, had traveled, continuing on her journey south. But with just the two of you, it became obvious. Colder climbs, danger, whatever it was that Daisy was seeking meant nothing.

Not as much to you as perhaps finding some escape, some new path in Drakkar. So you retraced your steps in some ways north, northeast, hoping to find out what land lies beyond. Northeast to perhaps a coast, some other settlement. You have to survive off the land.

The two of you hunting, occasionally finding food, finding fuel, and surviving the harsh, cold, brutal weather of Drakkar here in the middle of winter. And that's when you spy it. You're looking... Oh! It's midday and you've been traveling and you see a thin tendril of smoke poking just above the treeline. A thin tendril of smoke just above the treeline!

The two of you realize that perhaps another 15-20 minutes from here, you might be approaching some other camp, or at least some other civilization. What do you do? Gosh, you know, Pork, you know who loves seeing tendrils of snow smoke over the tree line? Oh, I know who! Saucid would have loved seeing this. He was so young. He would have loved to be alive right now. He was just a kid.

Our baby brother. Our baby brother named Seth the Kid 42. He had a life ahead of him. I hope this show is just four hours. You guys just saying what we really want. I really hope. Gosh. Poor sausage would have loved, would have loved seeing a thin, tender little smoke over the tree line. I cannot believe that Alcatra left us there in the snow. Yeah, I was calling her a good kid.

She was not a good kid. Yeah, she abandoned us to die, to freeze to death. After all the work we did saving her from that big bug. What a load of horseshit. This is the thanks we get. This is the respect that she gives to her elders. That's unacceptable. She does not understand what we contributed. I don't think that she realizes that she's an idiot for doing sound. We're the biggest expecting man in the world.

They- who? Wait, who? Those big bugs or something, I don't know. I was gonna say... that little rat. That's what I'm gonna call her. Big thief. They should've called her Rat Kebab. That's what they should've called her.

And the thief, after all that we did. Oh, because a red kebab is food. Yes, exactly. Yes, that's it. That's what I've done. And we are food. Yeah. Well, no, I'm not food. Just my name is Kabagool. And I am Porkos. Oh, yeah. That is kind of food. Yeah.

The two of you are just standing there. I don't know what Ma would say about that. Nikki, you wanna get dinner with us? No, but she... You feeling like hot pot? Yeah! Oh, remember that time when we were all reminiscing and casually reminded that we witnessed our own parents getting eaten by ogres? Which wasn't previously revealed in the entire arc? Remember that time? Yes, I do remember that time. Holy crap, Lois. Remember that time?

That was fucking wild! That was fucking wild! Yes, Gabagool, that was... I tried to forget. Well, all I can say, you know, she may have betrayed us, and she may have been totally thankless. I do wish the kid a terrible slow death if he's in the death. It is inevitable. For she went south.

Oh yeah, that's bad. See, they're going to be expecting that. Anyways, having taken this brief rest, the two of you start to march on. And before you reach your destination, tell me, what do you look like? Gabagool, Porcos, what is your appearance? You're both humans, and you both are from the city of Ogerton. Describe yourself. How would you look to someone for the first time?

I insist. I am probably in my 50s. Wait, when do we all get sanctimoniously eaten by ogres? I would have like just avoided it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another couple months and you would have been gone. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like in my 50s or 60s. I don't know. Early 60s. Sure. I am short. I've got a pot belly.

I've got, no matter what, no matter how long I go without shaving or even if I shave, I just always have like a thick five o'clock shadow. It's very dark, I'm balding. And it's kind of fratty, the hair that I do have on my head is like, you know, super unkempt and wild. I'm picturing Homer Simpson for some reason. It's streaks of gray.

Yeah, that's what I look like. I have a meat hook, a big meat hook, because I was a butcher in Ogerton. I would slaughter the strangely sentient cows with no remorse. As they made eye contact. And pleaded. Remember when those strangely intelligent cows pleaded for their lives? Come on, think of it. Yes, stop mentioning it. That's why I had old Bolty with me.

How would you appear? I am a giant man. I'm at least seven feet tall. Very genetically gifted. Very large and broad and strong. A completely shaven head and a large mustache. As well as I could keep it all sort of shaved and well-kempt as best I could in the horrible terrors of Jakar.

and wearing whatever sort of simple leather winter gear we would have brought with us, we would have made. And we would have found, you know, in our travels, we would have maybe found a various abandoned settlements

And so I still have a few javelins on me. I would have whatever supplies and rations, and I would also be carrying a gigantic door that I had ripped off one of the... This was a curiosity. In your last week alone, you feel like you are reaching some new civilization. You are finding huts and small domiciles, mostly stone-made, but there was still a...

weathered door that you were able to easily pull free. It seems sturdy enough and you're able to carry it with you almost like a shield. Exactly right. Nikki, Andy, you two are sitting by the campfire that you've made, uh, this morning. Uh, it's been, uh, uh, many weeks since you left Ogerton. The reason for the two of you having, uh, uh, escaped because the, uh,

a literal dragon came down with a gang full of white kobolds, arrived at the city of Ogerton, and most of your companions and the ogres were captured, but the two of you were able to get away unnoticed, and you decided to head east and survive in the wilds. Not knowing the fates of those who had been made captive, the two of you have found yourselves relying on each other to survive.

Before we continue, tell us who you are and what you look like. I'll start with Andy. Sure. I am playing Calamari. He is a young man, early 20s, maybe 1920 at the oldest. He's short, maybe 5'3", 5'4". Shaggy blonde hair and eyes that are so blue they're almost gray.

He'd be wearing, you know, leathers and snow furs, right? Just almost looking like an ice climber, you know, to some degree. But it doesn't necessarily match. It's patched together. You know, it's not in good shape. It would have been whatever he could find on the way out of Oakerton. And to...

Make the survival easier I would have like a rough haversack that I would be strapped to my back with just a random things that I would have collected I you had to leave in a hurry You only barely got away, but you were able to quickly assemble these goods and make your way No weapons just a small dagger on my hip that I would use for carving and things like that and I would be helping keep us alive by Being in charge efficient and and trying to provide food for us with

the mystical powers that you bring to our little group to keep us safe. Yeah, and Mortadella. Oh yes, Mortadella. Would be there tending to the fire, probably creating it magically if necessary. She's about 4'11", very short. Okay.

and short, curly brown hair, dark brown eyes with flecks of gold. She is perpetually shivering, though she's wearing at least like 15 coats, all the coats that she could possibly find as she left, but she'll never be warm in this climate. But she's bouncy and bubbly. Okay.

The two of you find yourselves sitting by the campfire, enjoying a meal, perhaps the last of the fish rations you've been able to keep with you. What are you discussing? What are you thinking about? How are you planning your day or your weeks? Thinking about what's happening in this moment of contemplation. Would it be unreasonable to say that you...

drink tea or do you more have like, you know, visions for the time that we've been hanging out? Yes and yes. Okay, then I would say that I would do my best in the mornings to collect tea leaves, leaves, not even tea leaves, to try to make you a makeshift tea and I would run them by you and so that way we'd have some semblance of a breakfast while you do your morning rituals and help us prepare for the day.

And so we'd be at the campfire and I might have like some fish on a stick that I'm roasting and I would look to Mortadella and I'd say, "So, uh, what's today look like?" Oh gosh, it's so hard to find out. I'm just sh-sh-sh-shivering over here. Do you have any more tea?

Yeah, yeah, I can, I can boost them up. We just gotta melt some snow and I think the leaves are still good for now at least. We gotta make this fire bigger, but I'm afraid if we do they're gonna find us. If that dragonfly's overhead and sees a huge pillar of smoke coming out of here, they're gonna know just where we're at, but it's so cold. Yeah, well, it's still early. I mean, making the fire a little bit bigger during the day shouldn't hurt us, right?

- What are you supposed to know? - Okay. - But I trust ya. - All right, I'll get more wood and I'll put the tea on. Stay here. - I'll just keep this going. - And I'll go collect wood and try to prepare some tea for Mortadella. - You leave Mortadella by the wharf. - And while he's doing that, I will cast Augury to see how fair us this day. - Oh. - That is my question. What does our day look like?

- I don't know. - We all well, I don't know. You, how does that look? What are you, are you, are you looking into- - I'm just drinking the tea. - Are you gonna tea leave? - And I'm reading the tea leaves. - You look into the tea leaves and you are shocked by what you see. You,

See the tea leaves have perfectly hugged the ring of the cup that you use. Literally making a perimeter, a circle, but it's almost jagged like teeth, like a maw on all directions and all sides. And you feel this pulse within you. Terrible woe. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Calamari.

As you leave Mortadella, you walk out into the forest and you're picking up what dry sticks and more fuel that you can find to build up the fire. And as you reach down, you hear the snapping of a twig, perhaps 50, 60 feet from you now.

I think that we, how long have we been traveling together? - I would say that you've been traveling together for two weeks. So you've had enough time to make a good amount of distance from your home, the only home you've ever known, Ogreton. - With an unbelievable amount of speed and dexterity, I would immediately try to like,

dash to some underbrush and get cover to try to see where this noise has come from. Okay. And I would wait and watch and listen. Okay. Make a stealth check for me. 13 total. 13. 13. You dive into the bushes. You feel that you've moved quickly and you've tried to hush your movements as much as possible. And looking through the trees, you see two other humans walking towards where Mortadella is.

22.

With a 22, you immediately recognize both of these people as vassals. Vassals that you knew in Ogerton from before the change that came so suddenly months ago. This is Porcos and Gabigool. I would drop the firewood that I'm holding, and without a moment's thought, I would start sprinting towards the snow, and you would hear me coming. It wouldn't even be...

trying to conceal my footsteps, as light as they are, and it wouldn't be until you felt me hit you with a bear hug that only someone that is only barely over five feet tall can give. And the moment that you lay eyes on me, I... Porgos! I can't believe it, Porgos, it's you! I thought I'd lost you!

It's me, it's Kalamarri! I'm so happy it's you! You're alive! You're alive! Who are you? It's me, it's Kalamarri, it's me! Oh gosh, is that Galamar? Look at you!

Gosh, Galamad, you've grown so much since I saw you. I remember when you was coming down to the butcher, you would always bring me a shiny red apple. Galamad, how many times do I have to tell you my name is Calamari? That's what I said, Galamad. Are you making fun of me? Those are different words you say. How did you get here? How did you get here? We walked. We walked. I'm with Mortadella. She's not far away. I'm not there. She's back at our camp. We've got fire. We've got food. Oh, well,

a little bit of ice. What the hell is there? Yes! Oh, goodness. I'm so glad that more people survived besides the rat. The little cheese. We were beset upon by Alcatra. We thought she was an ally, but in our great moment of need, she abandoned us. Oh, no. Also, our dear kid brother, Sausage. Oh, no. Don't tell me.

He didn't make it. Sausage didn't make it? No, he was just a kid. 42 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him. I'm so sorry. Oh, nothing can take away the pain. My own brother. He would love to be alive right now. He would love being alive. He would adore it. Guys, being alive, that's exactly what Sausage would have loved.

This land is so harsh. There's no justice in Dakar. No justice. Also, a giant firebug killed them. I don't know. It was a firebug? It was very unclear. I'm sorry, Gobblegool. I quite literally don't know what to say.

You can't say anything, Galamad. You're a good kid, you're a good kill. I will painfully bit your cheek. Ah, it's Galamari. Look, I will- Oh, you're a good kid, you're a good kid. We can get back to the fire, we can get back to the fire. Yes, yes. There's safety in numbers, I'm so glad we found you. Mortadel is gonna be so happy.

Have you been drinking your milk like I told you? There's no milk out here, Porcos. You did not bring any milk with you? There wasn't any time. I barely had time to bring any supplies. It's a miracle I even have fishing line. Then take some of mine. And there's this like ancient disgusting rotten like flagon of milk. No, no. You must be strong. No, thank you, Porcos, please. Oh, it is delicious. Oh. You hold it up and it like. Okay. No, no, no.

No, you don't. No, you don't. It's a milk loaf. It's a milk loaf at this point. I visibly gag and say, follow me, follow me. I'll reach the next camp. I would go scoop up the firewood that I collected, pick it up, and then hustle all the way back to the campfire. You three make your way quickly following Kalamari's lead. Mortadella, you are...

wrapped in darkness and the thoughts. You are wrapped in the concern. It's never been clearer that perhaps doom is what spells for you and perhaps your companions or someone somehow this day when you hear not just the sound of two feet but the

Sound of rustling a group of people, almost. I probably wouldn't notice that it was a group. I would be listening to the sound of the clatter of the teacup as I'm shaking and I'm looking down at the leaves, and I would just call out, Oh, God, Calamari, I get the worst news! Oh, no. I'd walk up and make sure to get your attention, and I'd point to the guys and say, We're in horrible danger!

Hello, we are here now! Oh hey, where's Sausage? Hey, who is this? Sausage?

A terrible... A kid brother. He did not survive. He didn't make it. Oh, God. He would have loved nothing more than to be alive right now. He would love it, you know? He would love to be alive right now. He was so young. Only 42. He was only 42. You remember this age? You remember? Of course I did. We celebrated his party, remember? His 42nd birthday. He was just a kid. He did not have the constitution to survive the cold. Or a giant bug. Or a giant bug. Giant killer bug. He was so a giant bug.

Yeah, the monster size you're crazy. It was a crazy month of you member Alcatra you goes by baby now I call her now little cheese a rat kebab Yeah, well she's a dirty traitor did she kill we saved her from the bug oh

Yeah? She would have been dead for sure, just like you killed her. Poor brother father. Oh, don't cry, don't cry. It's alright, I'm gonna wipe away his tears. Apparently she left them for dead. Poor brother father. After everything that they did for her, she just left them for dead. She just abandoned them. And she told us everyone was gone. From the village. You are still here. Yeah, but that's only because we escaped.

But the others are dead. Wait, the others are dead? Or they're likely, yeah. Or they're... Wait, is Kim Chi dead?

I just like, I just put my hat in my hands and I look at you and I slowly shake my head. The last that they saw was a dragon and an army of white kobolds stealing the ogres and the humans away in chains. I think they were, they were tending a dinner. Kin-Kin-Chi didn't make it, are you sure? I think so, why do you, why are you smiling? Are you totally sure? Why do you look happy about this? Hot damn!

You know what that means, Blocos? I have a bachelor back on the market again. Oh, Macy Redd. What? Kim Cheeley's his wife. This is your wife you speak of. Thank goodness. So, what does that mean? You're going to look for a new wife? Sure, as long as I don't have to hear her complain ever again.

Will you teach me your technique for meeting women? Yeah, finally. I haven't had a chance to use it, but now we can both hit the market now that we're both prime bachelors. Yeah, that's perfect. Porcos, what do you think? You want to join in? Yeah, we do. Well, I was remaining hopeful that we might find a city or civilization with people in it. Yeah, so little cheese, or the big rat, as I like to call him.

Uh, she went down south, thinking that that's where everybody went. She's an idiot. That's what they would expect. So that's why we came back north. All I have known is Ogerton and the frigid cold. All right, well, all I know is that I read the tea leaves this morning. I turn the cup towards you. That's a great big maw around the rim. Oh, no. Oh.

What does that mean? We're not going to meet any women? Oh, right. Oh, no. The time will come. There's going to be no eligible... I hope so. No eligible comely broad there. No, I think... Do not say comely. I think you can't.

when you're talking about broads you don't use the word comely um quite a nice compliment if you do i do think though myself i was really hoping that uncle gobble ghoul could take me to the bars at some point yeah little galamad you're old enough you don't seem at all concerned about this mall around the rim i mean i'm a little concerned i just don't really know what it could mean

So the way it works really is that you can either get a wheel, which is good. Okay. A whoa, which is really bad. All right. Or an I don't know. What did you get? Well, the mall around the rim is a whoa. So that's really bad. Are we sure? The mall kind of looks like a wheel. It's the same shape. Oh, no. I promise you. There would be spokes. There were no spokes. These are teeth. Okay. You know who used to say I don't know a lot?

Sausage. Sausage, kid. Oh, he did, yes. He would say, "Uh, I don't know." He did not know much. He didn't know much, but gosh, he was-- 'cause he was just a kid, he had so much time to learn. He did. And the thing is, he may not have known, but one thing he did know is he would like to be alive right now. Yeah, that's what he loved so much. He loved to hear that Kimchi didn't make it. He hated Kimchi. He hated Kimchi so much. He hated Kimchi more than I did.

That's impressive. I think it doesn't help that they were engaged when you met her. Well, I don't remember that all bad. You were pretty drunk at the time. Yeah, that was. That was pretty good. That was a good time. But you know what? My kid brought a sausage. He liked to get drunk and forget things to do. It's okay. Talking about it is part of the healing process. Until the giant bug came. Oh, he was such... Oh, he was so full of life until he wasn't.

That's the nature of a gobble ghoul. We can only presume how he went. We can only presume. Because we were both unconscious at the time. Yeah, the little cheese, the big rat kebab herself. No, in the final moments of us scaring the beast away and defeating him. She said that he died down. And I said, I don't know the meaning of the word. And then she said...

Well, he died a hero. But when we inspected the body... It was a mess. We didn't even recognize him. How can you be sure it was you for the sausage then? Because there was nobody else around. He had a big dumb head. I am not sure it was the giant bug that killed him. What?

There were arrow wounds in the shape of what is in your cup all over his body. You don't say. So I figured that maybe she took her arrow and stabbed in circular motions. Get the home.

Yes, in a moral pattern. All over his body. Who knew that Alcatra was such a cold-blooded murderer? What a bitch. And she had these freak powers. He could use a mind to control shit. What a real freakaboy. Oh, yeah, that would be so awful if someone could do something like that. Yeah, can you believe that? That's unnatural. Uncle Gobble. That's unnatural. Uncle Lamont. If it comes to it, I pledge myself...

For revenge! For revenge! For sausage! For sausage! For sausage! For sausage! But what's stopping us from going south right now and killing that bitch? That's what I'm saying! It was months ago. It was a long time ago. She's got a pretty big head start. She's also a comic kid. Ha ha ha!

More capable than us? You guys saved her from a giant bug monster! You are right! That's right. She is not more capable than us! And now there's more of us! Yeah, and maybe potentially one of us could even do things with their minds, which might make up a freaking nature, but it could be helpful, right? No, that would not be helpful. That would be weird. Yeah, nobody could do that. After I saw what that did to that bug and also probably my kid brother.

Oh, God. I thought I'll never forgive her. I thought she was so nice. How could she do this? How could she betray the thing that we have? What a scumbag. Were you guys seeing each other, too? Oh, no, gosh. What? Well, you said that thing that they had. No, that we have. With our brother. Oh. Sausage. Just a kid.

Kabagoo, you're, I mean, Galamath, my name. Galamath. Grief hits us all in different ways. You're a good kid. Good kid. Oh, leave the good kid. Keep this good kid. Stop it! Stop it! You're a little skinny, though. You gotta get some meat on you. This is what I am saying. Are you fully grown? How old are you? Fifteen? Nah, I'm like twenty-ish, give or take. I mean, who knows their real age these days? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, he is kinda gobo.

and they don't come and they don't come. I'm probably full grown, yes, Borkos. I'm sorry to disappoint you. We must work on this. One day you will be great and strong like I am. Be training. I don't know about that.

I think all my growth plates are closed up at this point. What are growth plates? You know... Did you say weird? Weird thing too? No, no, no. Do you have growth plates? It's just part of human biology. Oh. Gosh. Did the ogres teach you human biology? They did. You know... After they refused to feed me and stunted my growth plate.

All I'm gonna say-- I think it was an intimidation tactic. All they're making fun of me. Is that Ogerton really went to hell when they started stepping away from the teaching of the Sotholith. You know, I noticed the same thing. You know--

I didn't want to say anything, but you're right. As soon as everyone said that Stomphilus was an elaborate guy tied by a brain in a puddle. That's... I was not making these shapes. All of a sudden, all these freaks are having powers with their minds. I don't believe it. They start heading south. Yeah, and you want to go south. Suddenly dragons start coming. They expect us to believe

that there is a brain in a puddle on a spaceship just on faith? Ridiculous. This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Sophilid, he's the one through. Yeah, praise be to Sophilid. Praise be to Sophilid. Praise be to Sophilid. God. Yes.

That's how you really maintain some good order and good moral and value. That's right. You really are a good kid, you're a good kid. And this community! Going to church every week. Going to church. Every equivalent of Sunday. I miss those days. Those were safe days, nice days. It's fine. It is all gone. So... Now what? Today's going to be bad.

Oh yeah, I don't know how I know that either, like, it just happened, it wasn't like... Well you always had good intuition. Yeah, with instinct really is how I think. You had good intuition. Oh, this is... Yeah. Yeah, Motadelle. But there's not any kind of... No, you can call me Adela, I've told you that a million times. Adela. That's the name, Motadelle. No, no, no, no, Adela. Adela.

Nadella, with a D. What is that coming from? It's A-D-E-3-L-A. Nadella. Mortadella. You know, just call me Mortadella. Galamad. What? And pork. He calls me Galamad, even though my name's Calamari. I call him my little kid brother, too, Brigitte, over here. How do you get Galamad from Calamari? That's what I said, Galamad. How do you get that from Calamari?

but his name is dalaman that's what i just said he he due to a traumatic brain injury he believes they are the same word oh yes you're a good kid what are you talking about thanks you know i've been around i've been i've learned a thing or two in my time in jacob my time in ogerton being a good follower of sophilus not having all these morals

and freaks with strange powers. Yeah, those freaks. That are traitors. You burn them at the stake as a witch or something. That are traitors. Probably those ones. Make a perception check, everyone. We can just be going like this the whole time. I know, I don't have to say a fucking thing. Yeah! What did you get? We both got natural. 16. 16? Not terrible.

Zero. Kalamari, once again, you're the only one who hears this. Everyone is talking. You, over the crackling fire, over the sound of voices, there's a rustling sound just through the trees. Perhaps, again, 100 feet away or so, you feel like

There's movement, perhaps an animal or a beast of some kind. I would immediately hold my hand up and wait. I'd look in the direction of where I hear the sound. I heard something. My apologies. There are no voices. It would be this, there would be just the sound of the crackling fire. Yeah. So you hear this over the, uh, over silence and, uh, you hold up your hand and then gesture to the rest of the gang. And I look in the direction where I hear the sound coming from to see if I can see anything.

Make a perception check. Oof. Eleven. Eleven? Whatever made this sound seems to be deeper through the woods. It's midday, and so there's plenty of light. You know that in this direction, there's...

that it's beyond the river where you've been fishing. This is actually almost in the direction that you and Mortadella have not yet gone. It might be an animal or something that we can hunt for food. I don't know, I just heard a noise. Oh, I can hunt. Shall we hunt? Let us hunt, lead the way. Okay, follow me. And I would lead everybody in the direction that Mortadella and I were headed in anyway.

You pick up your things. You put away the cooking pieces very quickly. Perhaps you skip some snow on top of the fire, and you start to... Turns into the final act of... The first act? Second act of Bambi? Whichever one that is. The forest fire. Anyways... Spoilers! Yikes! You...

Make your way and it definitely feels like you're following something. I need to make a survival check to see if you know what it is. Oh! Dirty swan! Don't get it off, kid! As soon as you reach the place where you've imagined that you heard this sound, you confirm what you heard by seeing tracks. There's clearly a large animal moving through this space.

I pointed out to Porcos. Look! We're on the trail of something! Oh gosh, how big do you think that thing is with hoof marks like that? Big. Huge! Very big. Gigantic! That's a good sign though, maybe it'll have a lot of meat. Do you think it's one of these strangely sentient beings from Ogerton? I don't know. Ogerton was pretty much a bad mess when we left. I don't know how much escaped. Gosh, you know who would love a giant thing of sausage right now?

Sausage. Yes, he was. He was just a... just a kid. It's... it's okay. He's with Sopholith now. Do you think we can turn this thing into sausage in Sausage's honor? We can. We can. Do you... yeah, we could. Yes, that's fine.

You begin to follow Kalamari as he gracefully navigates the space, being as quiet as possible, and also following these tracks. And you do spy a caribou. After a few more minutes of travel, you see that it is sort of making its way, just sort of casually and elegantly making its way to the north. And you are not 50, 60 feet from it.

Kabagool, are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, kid. Have you always had these breathing problems? I don't know what you're talking about, kid.

I'm as fit as a fit as a strangely sentient ox. Yes, you'll be. Oh no! It's progressive, unfortunately. I could! It won't get better. I just need to find an orange so we can have a glass of orange juice with some pulp. All right.

How quickly do we think we can close distance? Do we think you can tackle it? Take it down? I'm surprised it's strangely centered. Oh no, I was talking to poor ghosts. Yes, of course. Don't worry about it. I can bring it down. Shall I go? Yes, and don't bring Gobblegool with you. Don't worry about it.

Gavagor runs after you! I sprint after the caribou and try to-- Okay, I'd say you-- Let me know when I'm within 20 feet. You move and you start to, I would say, dash, and it gives it an opportunity to start to move away, but all it can do is sort of look at you with almost like shocked surprise before it starts to dart away, and you feel like you're able to close the distance. You get about 10 feet away when you do whatever it is that you want to do.

When I'm within 20 feet, I'm going to rage and just throw the giant door that I'm carrying at it. Okay. Roll to hit. I am going to dash towards it to join. Okay. I am going to run through the snow awkwardly, identically as when Tony Soprano ran from the FBI from Johnny Sack's house. Where's...

And I have my meat cleaver. And I'm going to try to follow. As soon as this thing gets maybe wounded, I'm going to stab it with my meat hook. You see that the caribou is primarily focused on your massive brother. And so you feel like you have an opportunity not to close distance. You're not within melee range.

but you are just behind your brother about 25 feet away from the deer as you watch your brother whirl and hurl this door out towards the caribou attempting to perhaps knock it prone or damage it or knock it out. I get a 10.

The door goes wide. The caribou, it smashes into a tree and lands with a clump into the snow, and the caribou begins to start to take off, but you have an opportunity in this moment before it begins to truly run. As I use my cunning action, I think about my kid brother, Sausage, and how much that he would like to be here. He's aged. Alive.

It was always his dream when he was a kid, at 42, to kill Caribou brutally. And I'm going to try to catch up to it and stab it in the spine. Okay. Given the almost chase-like nature of what's happening right now, in order to get up to it with your meat hook in time, I need you to make a...

Acrobatics check, maybe? Acrobatics check. The contest. That's awful. It's the arm. I'm surprised that we've arrived at my age. Okay. Brush me. I'm gonna use a twist. Oh! Oh, I could've twisted, I forgot.

That'll be a 21. Oh, a 21. Worth it. You meet its dash. It is almost able to get out away from you, but you jump and slash down, and you're able to meet hook this caribou. So I can make the attack roll? You may. Okay. Do I get... I don't get a sneak attack. No. That's still going to be... Hold on.

17 to hit. That hits. Roll for damage. I stab it in its spine. Oh! Because I have the piercing feat, I can reroll though. What does that actually do? Does it just let you reroll when you... You can reroll once and you have to use it. I got a one and then I got a two, so I do five points of piercing damage. Does it have to do with your sneak attack or is it just when you're making an attack? If I do attack with this piercing damage and I hit, I can reroll it once per turn. Nice!

Five points of piercing damage, you slash down and you hook just behind the shoulder blade of this majestic caribou, and it has already left the ground, darting away, and you rake against the side of its body. You can feel the tip of the hook hitting each successive rib as you straight

- Scraped down and a flap of fur and skin falls down from the side of it as it continues to dart away from you. - I don't got it! - You do a tremendous amount of damage and blood and viscera hit the snow all in a sharp contrast at your feet. - How far away are they? - They were about, he was 15, 20 feet away and you were, and he was able to close the distance with a melee range.

- Oh, I could try to throw my dagger. - The two of you are about 60 feet away. - Oh, that's a lot. - Yeah, I'll look at him like, oh God, they're gonna kill me for this, and I'm gonna let out magic missiles at this caribou. - Okay. - And they look like a taroka cards. They just fly through the air. - Okay, using the powers you've possessed since you started to become aware of them,

For years, you've kept secret your psionic abilities. But thinking of cards and how you used to throw them, you're able to whip forth this energy, hoping to strike not your companions, but just caribou. Oh no, I'm aiming for Kabogul. I'm just kidding. I'm holding my action in case it doesn't die. Okay.

to attempt to throw my dagger. Well, you don't know what Mortadella's doing. You've never seen her use his powers. 12 points of damage. 12 points of damage. It is about to flee, to get away. It is absolutely going to be able to get free and perhaps dart into the woods, escaping Gabigool and Porcos, when all of you watch as all of a sudden it's...

head just sort of seems to be getting pummeled by nothing, not even air. It just all of a sudden, it crumples, it breaks. You hear the snapping of bones and it crashes into the ground, sliding to a stop on the snowy floor of the forest. I got it! I got it, I got it. Did we perceive that? Oh, good job! Make a perception check, the three of you. Oh, 16. Definitely don't. 19. One.

I would say with a 19, you are the only one who, you watch the door go wide and you are very carefully paying attention to your brother's actions. Your brother, Gaba Ghoul, stabbed into it and slashed, and yet it seems that it was about to pull away. It was not the meat hook that took this beast down. Instead, it...

some phantom or invisible hands or projectile seems to slam into the side of this thing, which was finally what took it down and stole its life from it. - Give away from that thing!

Uncle Porcos, you're very strong and talented, but like...

Uncle Gobblegoo is a peak athleticism. I mean, did you see that? He's like, peak performance. Yeah, I mean, we could hear the way that the meat hook was smacking across those ribs. It's very clear that you killed it and had no help at all. Yeah, exactly right. Especially not for anyone that has mind power. This mook over here missing with his fucking door, what kind of weapon is that? I was close. What kind? You weren't even close. You're a good kid. Uncle Borg goes, it's all right. But...

But look, all I can say is while Gobble Ghoul is running, he's taking in so much more air. I think you can learn a thing or two from it. It'll probably fuel your muscles more. That's more of the ogre biology they talk about. He, his physical shape is terrible. No, look at how much air he takes in. I am the peak of physical fitness. I'm not so sore. This is embarrassing.

I will show you! And I'll, like, grab the shield, I'll, like, lift it up, and I'll, like, jump on my hands to do, like, a handstand push-up, and I'll do, I'll catch the shield, or the door with my foot, and I'm gonna balance the door while I'm doing handstand push-ups with one arm. See? Ha ha ha!

Yeah, show off. I would like to see him do this! I'm all about practical strength. We're getting away from here, Heather. None of this show-off bodybuilding nonsense. See, I am stout and I'm dense. Gaba Ghul has old uncle strength. Oh, functional strength. Functional strength. Yeah, functional strength. Gaba Ghul has the kind of strength you can only cultivate after decades of alcohol abuse. Exactly right.

Do you can you believe this guy showboating? Do you know who was always so humble? Never showboated one It was my kid brother sausage. Oh, no May he rest in peace. He would have loved seeing that old meat hook technique Maybe we should have a moment of silence for both him sausage and kimchi Well at least sausage

Does anyone want to say a prayer? Maybe thank full Tosafileth for the meal and your brother's safety in the afterlife? We should say grace over the caribou. It is a haunted caribou! A spooky ghost killed him! Spooky ghosts aren't real, Uncle Porkos! Yes, they are. I saw it with my own eyes!

It's already you. Morten, you walk forward as they're all looking at the caribou and having this conversation to look at what you have wrought. It has been...

A long time since you truly went all out and released these powers that you have within your mind, given your company 99.9% of your time. Unless you truly felt like you were in your own private space to explore these powers, these unbelievable psionic powers that you have, you've not ever tried something like this. And so you walk up to the caribou to sort of

take in what you've always sort of known you've had within you. And that's when you notice. This is actually much closer to the tree line than you realize. Looking up from the carcass of this animal, you can see through the trees. In the bright of day, there's almost like a meadow or a flat plain on this side of where you're looking. And perhaps even a tall structure, a gray...

shape on the horizon that looks like a larger building than either you or Calamari have come across in your time in the woods here. Oh gosh, Calamari! You gotta look at this! What? What is it? No, I'm saying, what did you say? I can't hear you over his breathing. I said, what is it? Huh? What is it? Oh, it's a description. We're using hand code. I sound, I just sound bigger. I can't see you over his breathing. I'm just signing bigger. I'm just signing bigger.

Oh, here's the breathing. There's a structure past that, uh... There's a structure past that, uh... There's like a... There's like a... There's like a metal...

There's like a meadow over there and there's a structure past it that's larger than any other. That's good news. There's a widow? A structure. A structure. No, a meadow. A meadow? Yeah, but I think it's actually just covered in ice, though. Well, okay. Before we go, though, help us settle a bet, Mortadella. Sure. Can Caribou be haunted?

What's the freakish...

I hate her.

I can't wait until the moment Daisy actually dies in Ice House. Violent vengeance. I can't stand Alcatra. I can't believe I ever trusted her. I can't believe this rat. This rat. We should have been able to see it all over her ugly little face. And as important as that is, why do you think that this caribou, why do you think it's ghostified? Because I witnessed my dear brother.

rip its ribs apart. But in its final moments, its skull was crushed in by nothing! How do you know that when he's... So, you think about the body, right? Its ribs and then neck and then head. If the ribs aren't there to hold the neck and head up, what's to say it couldn't collapse like a building? Some real knowledge adds foretold by the almighty wisdom of Zophia.

You're looking at the body, all of you, and the damage, the tearing, ripping, slashing damage of the meat hook is one thing, but there are these impacts, almost like a hammer had come down on the side of this three, four times, landing blow after blow. The side of the skull of this creature has been completely decimated.

That's weird. I did that, obviously. I mean, there's no other explanation. There's no explanation. Your COPD is too progressive for you to have done this. That's just because you're jealous of my strength, poor ghost. You always have been. You know who wasn't ever jealous? You know who was never jealous was Sausage. He was really a good kid.

He was always the best of us. You may eat this carrot, but I will not. Well, I'm gonna butcher it soon. I'm gonna butcher it soon as I kiss my bread. Uncle Gobblegum, Uncle Gobblegum. Okay? What do you think Sausage is doing in Sophilus' grape fields right now? He's probably running with the beautiful ogre maidens to sing the sweetest songs.

And then sailing the great seas of Trotak the Shark Puncher. And riding the never-ending ride of Mr. Bones. Do you think it's warm in Sophilus Greatfields? Oh, it's the warmest. It's a perfect balmy, perfect balmy 68 degrees. Is it the end of summer? No, it's like April 25th. It's not too hot. It's not too cold.

No more ice and snow no snow just a meadow of field with beautiful No polar bears. I love the 25th day of the fourth month. Yes, I love the 25th day. Praise be to Sophilus. He's so good. Through his grace. I can't wait till my soul can join him one day. Sophilus may you bless us

And not be a spooky brain in a jar. He's not! That's blasphemous!

Uncle Gobblegool! That's part of the prayer. No! She was testing our faith! The heretics. That's right! May the heretics all die terrible deaths. False prophets! And false prophets die. We should get revenge against them, too! We will smash them with the might of Fiona Smashmouth. I don't think... And scorch them with the great flame of Shaggoth of the Black Rock. Good! Good! And then the frost one, I can't remember his name. You know...

Something Odin related. I never thought that my heart would turn to such vengeance. But here we are. Here we are. We have a list of people that we have to deal with. I'm going to carve the list into this caribou tie. I fear that there are dwarves that live in other places of this.

I hear that there are dwarves... I hear that there are dwarves that live in other places of adventure that have books of grudges. Oh, really? And they write in them all the people that they owe death and just things that they've been grudged for. Maybe we should make our own book of grudges and we can put that whiny little bitch rat back in there. Little cheese. Yeah, little cheese. That's a great idea. The hide of grudges. Ah.

As I see Gamma Ghoul, Carmen. I want to hide the grudges. That's great. Yeah, but the only rats I know are oddly intelligent, which means that they have the capability to deceive. It's why it's so important that we end her and get our revenge for Sausage. May he rest in peace. May he be the father of the world.

Sausage. Sausage loves Sosalus. He always says his prayers every night. Sausage, do this again.

You are bumming me out. Can we move on? You're right, you're right. We've got to find the structure. That mortadella pointed out we have to find the structure. It's not too far, right? Oh, there it is! It just threw that meadow over there.

It's easy enough to see now that Mortadella's been pointed it out that yes, it would be a pretty quick stroll from here across this sort of patched snow and grassy plain to the structure on the other side. And as you start to make your way, presuming you

do something with the caribou, I don't care. We drag it there. Oh, okay, you pick it up. I mean, you would be able to easily hoist it over one. You pick up the hide and the body of this caribou, and you start to make your way, and as you walk, it quickly... You should puppet the caribou body so that we're all hiding behind

behind us if anybody sees us. Hello, my darling! Hello, my honey! Jesus! That's brilliant idea! Yeah, because we're walking through a meadow to a structure, the last thing we want is anyone to find us, you know? That is absolutely brilliant. Gosh, you always were the brains of the operation. Who wants to be in the butt? It becomes very quickly apparent that this was once a castle.

A structure very different than what you normally would have expected in Ogerton. The architecture is very different. It would be extremely alien to you, but looking at it, it is very obviously in shambles. This is a crumbled...

abandoned settlement. You can see what once may have been a tower, a big circular structure like this that would have gone up and you imagine perhaps pointed to a tip instead is half broken, one side of it crumbling down. You can see

The face of it, one wall has completely collapsed forward. What might have been an arch just still hanging over on one side, barely hanging together. This is a destroyed building from what you can tell. Oh my gosh! There might be some shelter! For the first time in a long time, a little bit of shelter! As was written

Just as in the great voyage of Trothak the Shark Puncher, the voyage of the bleeding stars, just like the tower from that tale. As was written. Are you saying this when you're still inside the caribou? As was written. Thank you, Wayne. Those are its roots. Yeah. As was written. I thought it smelled bad on the outside.

You continue to make your way, and you get closer and closer, looking at the intimidating size of this. This is... You're used to these massive villas in Ogretin, and you're used to sizable structures like the Hippodrome, right? But the scale of this castle is not to be underestimated. It's complicated. And as you start to walk up, you...

have to pause for a moment because you can hear sort of scurrying sounds. You can hear the sounds of movement and as you are approaching the entrance, the front gate of this space, you are looking through and you can see a small creature dart out. This is not a beast or an animal. This looks like a creature with some form of intelligence. It almost looks like

It's sort of bean-shaped, has two small squat little legs. It has a huge puffy amount of hair, and both of its eyes are blinking almost independently of one another, totally different colors, one being orange and the other being almost like a lavender-style color. And its long arms drag behind it as it sort of skitters forward. As it starts to skip forward, having not noticed the four of you in the caribou.

How far away is it? I would say about 100-150 feet away. It's only maybe a foot and a half, two feet tall. I turn and look over my shoulder. I'm kind of closer to the front of this caribou. I look over my shoulder and I sign to you and I say, Uncle Porcos. Yes. I'm gonna kick it. Kick these? Yeah.

Why would you do that? Because, look at it, it's looking at us menacingly. No, let's just go see what? As is written, as is written in the cloud batterman, the little gnome fox that fuck with your ship and chose like the shark punch. That's right, and I can close the distance and punch it before it ever saw me coming. That appeared in the voyage of the rumbling reef.

It is written! It's as you're silently making these motions to one another, you realize that it has spotted you. And it locks its eyes on the four of you and sort of like... It spotted us? It has spotted you. And it takes its huge long arms and sort of like walks over to a patch of snow and pulls some of the snow

together almost against its body like this before starting to make this shaping motion.

It's watching you as it does this. It has this, you can tell underneath, like, almost as, like, furry mustaches. All of its hair goes out in all directions, almost like an 80s rock, like, hairband. You can see that it has this almost, like, impossible smile with these huge cheeks, and it looks at you and continues to shape the snow, packing it tighter and tighter and tighter before whipping it forward. I need... Oh, sorry.

I need you, Calamari, to make a dexterity saving throw. The snowball hurls forward and towards you. Uh oh. Does it look like a rat? No, I don't think it does. No. 13. 13 is not enough as the snowball hurls towards you. I need you to, um, call heads or tails and flip a coin or roll a d2. Yeah, call it. I'm gonna call tails.

Which will be evens. Oh, this is better. Yeah, call even or odd. Two is heads, one is tails. Yep. I'm calling tails. Heads, or tails. Wait, heads? One is tails. It's a two. The Kraken symbol is heads. Did you succeed at calling that? No, I failed. You failed.

You take one point of damage as the snowball turns out to have had shards of ice inside of it. What should have been a harmless snowball of packed snow hits against you and you get cut, not unkindly, by the ice and there's actually more of an impact. You feel like you're gonna have a bit of a bruise. It hurts.

Son of a gun! I run at it and I begin to try to kick it in the face. I run forward with my meat hook and try to stab it in the throat. As soon as the two of you start to race forward, it goes...

And it takes its arms and it starts to run into the forest, into the fortress. Yeah, I chase after it. I'm going to kick this thing in the foot. If there are, could I pick up one of the bricks or the stones? Oh. You would have to get closer, but as you're running and you watch Calamari and Gabagool chasing directly after it, you would be able to quickly run up and find some fragmented stone. I'm going to grab some big,

stone that would fit in my giant hand and just chuck it at the back of the set. Okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll. Come on. Come on. Let's go! 20-something. Huge. Huge. Easy. Okay. Will it fucking... Chet wants to know if this is how you envision an awesome...

- Bigger hands. - Eight points of damage. - That's a dire ocelot. - Eight points of damage. You are both racing after this thing, but just before it can pass out of view, a sailing stone whips past your head and smacks it on the back of the head.

And it slides to a stop. Clearly knocked out or killed. Oh, it gets unconscious and on the ground, and I hear Uncle Porokos signing that he got it. The moment that I get to it, I just start kicking it, like repeatedly, to make sure that it's done something. Every time you kick it, it lifts off the ground easily. It is a lightweight creature, and so as you do, you realize that it's flipping. Its eyes continue to look dead out into the space. It's clearly been killed instantly.

Good shot, Vorkos! Thank you! Do we make it inside the structure, Chase? I would say that you're just under where the arch-away entrance would have been when you caught up to it. I look around inside the structure, and I poke my head in. Looking inside the structure, you can see this open, what would have been like a courtyard area, this open space within the center, and

what are sort of entrances to side areas. It's almost like the inner cloister of what would have been this castle. And you can see that there are doors all around, but in this center of the courtyard, you do spy something immediately.

that takes you a little bit by surprise. Despite the strange nature of this creature, you are staring forward, and there seems to be a platform where what would have normally perhaps housed like a statue that you'd be familiar with in Ogerton, but instead there's the upper arm, two arms, of some sort of a stone creation, a structure that's made of stones that seems to almost in...

ply the shape of a circle, and it looks like there are stones all scattered about as though it has crumbled. What would have been a perfect arch. I notice that, and I look for more of these furry, long-armed fucks. You look up to the battlements, and just your first glance, I need you to roll a d2. Where'd it go? It's with my ganker.

I wanna Pump, Hope, and Promit with my meat hook. Okay. As I get up to it. Tails. You do. It's cocked. Cocked. He hits it. I fail again.

You take an additional one point of bludgeoning damage as a snowball smacks you in the face. This time you see blue and purple eyes poking out from above the tessellated... Tessellated? Tessellated. The tessellated sort of battlement at the top of one of the walls of this castle structure. And you can see that another one of these creatures... And it darks back down underneath. Oh!

I run after it. You would need to find a way up. I start looking to find a place to climb. You start to look for a place to find. Do I have a clear shot? It darted immediately underneath as soon as it saw the impact land. You would not have a clear shot. It was clearly hiding. And you can hear chittering from all around you. This castle seems to be infested with these strange creatures.

I am going to kind of poke and prod and I'll say, good job bashing your brains in. Good riddance. Rest in piss, you freaking nature. So I'm like poking and prodding and stabbing it to make sure it's dead. It's very dead. It's like poking a, what are those fuzzy, it's like poking a kiwi. Like an overripe kiwi. Not the bird. I was thinking kiwi.

No, no, the fruit, I'm sorry. These fucks though, and as soon as I see, I'll say, "No, Galamad! "Oh, don't kill another kid on my watch." And I'm gonna try to-- I'm fine, Gamagool, it's just a cut. Oh, they're gonna kill him, he's gonna kill the kid, Galamad.

You feel like there are no stairs, without literally climbing this wall. Everything seems to have been largely collapsed, but you feel like you could go in through one of the doors to see if you could perhaps find some interior staircase. And the two of you, Gabagool and Calamario, wait, Calamario.

Calamari, race in through the doors and you're confronted by a space. It is ancient. There's dust hangs in all directions and wood has clearly collapsed all over the stone floor. This must have been a majestic library at some point for there are multiple shelves stretching up to the ceiling where this wood hasn't collapsed. You don't see much in the way of books or scrolls or any of those sorts of things, but

You do see that there are stairs on the way up. I take the stairs. I have one thing on my mind, and it's pummeling this little bastard into a pole. I fly and take the stairs. I try to follow. You both chase up to the stairs, and as soon as... Immediately with a natural one. This creature hasn't taken the time to hide. You see... Damn! I need to make a dexterity saving throw.

A natural one. Oh no! Get him! Call it a d2. Tails.

Yes! Finally! This time you get hit in the face. It doesn't cause any damage, but you're getting pelted. Every single time it seems to hit you exactly in the face. I'm slowly turning from monk to barbarian as I get angrier and angrier. I chase it down and I try to beat it to a pulp. It starts to run away, but you're able to close the distance. Roll to attack. I'll say "Get in, kid!" and give you the help action, the bonus action if I can. Do I get advantage on the attack? Yeah. My mastermind feat.

Oh, a 16 plus 5 is 21 to hit. 21 hits. You don't even have to roll for damage because you... How do you do this? I run at it, and before it can do anything, I give it like a roundhouse, spinning back roundhouse kick. Catches square in what I think its chest is. Energy hits the wall. Oh!

Johnny Gurpers spins first before smashing into the wall and falling. Lifeless. You've been able to kick the life out of this poor creature. I stop. I need to stop life. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, uh... It's come out easily. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I got a comical! I got a-- There's probably more of these little fucking freaks! You both look at the other battlements and you can see many sheep scurrying back and forth. Again, there seems to be an infestation, almost, perhaps dozens of these creatures. I would be in the courtyard just grabbing stones and just trying to chuck them. You're able to spy one that you think you could get a good angle on. I have two meat cleavers. I'd like to at least throw one of them at a little guy that I see. Roll to attack?

14 to hit. 14 does hit, and you're able to whip one in the face with the rock. I'm not gonna make you roll for damage. You hear the smack of the stone, and this creature goes down from behind where you can no longer see it and doesn't get back up. Does a 12 hit? 12 does not hit. You unfortunately go-- the meat cleaver goes wide and it clangs against the stone of the castle wall before coming to a stop, and the creature darts into one of the other rooms.

Come on, we gotta get through here. Mortadella, what are you doing as you watch this nonsense? Well, I can't see it because they all ran out from under the caribou and left it all on top of me. So you slowly see the caribou just sliding through the snow as Mortadella is desperately trying to make it towards them. You start to make your way forward.

and you are pulling your way through and into the castle, I presume not letting the caribou behind, but instead carrying it with you. And as you're watching, you're watching the three of them go on this murder spree.

You can see snowballs flying in arcs in all directions. You can hear sometimes they're getting hit. Ow! And you can hear the sounds of their screams just suddenly violently ending as they are able to catch up with these creatures or hit them with thrown objects. And then you see it in the center of this courtyard. You are reminded of the tea leaves in the bottom of your mug this morning. Oh no. You see the arms of this stone structure, these...

strangely, not gray stones like the rest of this, but these strange white, almost tooth-like colored stones that have been blocked up, and the smattering of them all around. You're struck by that same feeling of fate, and you're unsure. Should the shape be completed? Perhaps rebuilt? Is that what would help you avoid doom today? Or to...

destroy the shape. Gosh, I don't know what to do. Destroy it, put it back together. I'm just here. I'm trying to figure out what to do here. What do they sound like? What do they sound like as they get cleaved in the head? Ah!

You hear a sickening crunch as one gets punted up, like, off the ledge from the top and lands, you know, in the courtyard. Oh, nice shot, Goma! You, um... I would say that you probably take out another four, five, six of these things before... You get the sense that they are truly, truly hiding. There may be more, but...

There's silence. They've learned to fear their new masters as you have arrived in this strange fortress. I'll lean over the battlements and fork noises down there and I'll sign, "This kid really does have the makings of a varsity athlete!" And I'll go back and I don't even hear it. All the while I'm drowning out their noises looking at this thing.

I think I'm just gonna have to flip for it and leave it up to fate. And so, um... So one. So I would, I would, uh, I would build it back up. Oh! Build it up, tear it down. Okay. You, um, free yourself from the caribou. And these are not small stones. Each one of these is perhaps the size of a banker's box. Some are larger than others. None of them are exactly the same size. I'll check to see if they're watching, and because they seem like they're paying no attention, I'll use my main hand now.

You put your mace hand under one to sort of like get underneath that initial uncomfortable groove, knowing that this is gonna be a heavy stone, and then you slip your fingers underneath in order to lift it up, and as soon as you've brought it up to a chest height where you feel like you have a good balance and you start to walk forward, I need to roll a d20 for me. Okay, how about a seven? You develop an irrational fear of inanimate objects.

Alright, well that's a stone right there. It's a tooth looking stone. I don't like the way it just lays there and does nothing. Suspicious. I'm gonna just walk away. I'm gonna go back over to this caribou over here. Snanimate caribou. Poor ghost said it was haunted. Okay, um...

You hear, you don't hear this voice, but you, uh... No, I'm just, I'm motioning very low. You look down and you're on the hunt. Are there more of these creatures? And then you spy in the corner of your eye. Mortadella's trying to get your attention. I see. What is it? I thought I was trying to put this mod, two stones together, and I realized the caribou's haunted.

What? Yeah. Porgos was right? Yeah. Oh no. Now not only do we have to deal with these furry fucks, we have to deal with a haunted caribou? Yeah. Oh. And it's behind me right now. I'm afraid to turn around. Walk away from it. Walk away. I can't though because the stones are right in front of me. All right, I'm coming down. Stay there. And I would retrace my steps.

looking for more of these creatures as I go. You're keeping your eye out for more of these creatures, and you race down the steps, and as you enter what was once a library, you realize there are scrolls. There are books. All of the shelves seem to have been restored, and putting back some of the books on one of these sliding ladders is a...

a brilliantly finely dressed human with black hair and a slicked back and he turns and he, "Oh, hello there!" And he speaks out to you with his voice. "Hey, how may I help you, young lad?"

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Calamari, you race downstairs and suddenly halt when you realize that this room is transformed. It seems to be no longer in the decrepit, disheveled, crumbled state of this strange castle that you find yourself in. Instead, you find yourself staring at an elaborate library, pristine, books all on shelves, tidy, and on a ladder, putting books away, looking right at you, a human man with slicked back eyes

graying but black hair looks right at you. And you can see very, very obviously this man is not totally opaque. You can almost see through this man. This is very evidently some sort of a phantom or apparition. He turns to you and pauses. "Oh, how can I help you, young lad?"

Oh my god, Mortadella was right, it's the ghost of the caribou! I'm no caribou, and he seems to understand you perfectly, even though he's speaking and you're using your hand code. What the heck, you can understand me? What do you mean? What do you mean, what do I mean? I have to sign, I'm signing, I... Yeah, you're speaking as plainly as I am!

Whoa. Whoa? Woo? What are you doing here? I'm keeping to the library. I am Master Cedric. What is your name? Calamari. I'm keeper of the library. I'm killer of these furry guys that are throwing snowballs. What do you mean, furry guys? They got these weird long arms and they hit me with some snowballs. See, I'm bleeding.

but I killed like a half dozen of them. You must have taken a fall, my young man. You're making things up. No. Nuh-uh. Yes. Is he standing on a ladder? Yeah. I contemplated, but I think better on it. You're not the ghost of a caribou, are you? A ghost? What do you mean? A caribou? No. It appears we've reached an impasse.

Well, carry on. And he turns back and he starts to continue to put books away and making sure that they're in the correct alphabetical order, let's say. Okay. And I run past him down to go make sure that Mortadella's okay. And you, having had this strange exchange, you make your way back out into the courtyard and you can see Mortadella pressed up against one of the walls of this castle. Coming out of this room, you are back in the disheveled space that you

remember entering when you first arrived at this destination and Mortadella is there. Hey, hey, it's okay. It's all right. Give me your hands. What are you wearing? Um, like furs and, and yeah, furs mostly. Which are inanimate. I don't want to alarm you. Round your neck. You got furs. Yeah, I know. It's to keep me warm. And I don't want to alarm you. They're going to choke you to death. But I passed the caribou ghost in the library.

You were right! Pork Ghost was right! Don't, don't look at it. It's okay. I can't. No, it's alright. Don't. Just come with me. We'll walk away from it. You don't have to get closer to me. I'm just trying to make sure you're okay. You need to take the spurs off. I don't want to freeze to death. They're gonna kill you. Well, if that starts to happen, then I'll take them off.

You promise? I promise! I don't want you to go the way of Sausage, God rest his soul. Sophilus, bless him, I promise, I'm with you. I won't, I won't. Alright? It's gonna be okay. Let's just, we'll walk away from the caribou. We won't go near the library where the caribou ghost is. And don't go near those stones over there either. We won't go near the stones either, it's okay. There's something wrong with them. I'm not quite sure what it is. Alright. And I can feel it, it's that woe that I saw in the teacup. Oh God, teacups are the worst. I trust you. I trust you, it's okay.

Teacups are full of secrets. Really? Yeah. That's concerning. I know. That's probably why that one gave us the woe prediction. There's a little bit of good news, though. I think that me and Uncle Porkos and Uncle Gobblegoo, I think we killed all of those snowball-thrown bastards. Yeah. Well, that's good. Let's just sidle around these stones. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. We'll wait for them to come back. Huh?

I run into the castle bowling alley and I find a bowling pin. I'm finished.

It's very funny. You've killed 19 of these creatures. Where are both of you at this point? I'm in the rooms of the castle looking for snow perverts to murder. Oh! Yeah. I'm trying to commit a massacre. Okay. You race into an adjacent room and you are shocked by what you see. Oh my god. Reed just said lizard wizard. That brings back some memories. Wow. No.

Get out of here, Lockless. How's it going? Good to see you. Stay. 4-1-CAM-3-underscore. Who's that guy? Who the fuck is that guy?

Corridor after corridor, room after room, Gabagool, you've been running through what has clearly been an abandoned castle, nearly collapsed. And suddenly you walk in through a portal and you find yourself in what must have been the throne room.

and you look and you see beautiful fine red fabrics on the floor. You can see tapestries hanging from the walls of symbols and icons that you can't, that hold no meaning for you, but you recognize their elegance and sitting on the throne in the center you see a woman, a human woman, a beautiful human woman, elegant and regal, a ruler,

For like three years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's like three or four years here. You definitely have some liver spots. You have to do the... Yeah, fix your eyebrows. Sniff your armpits, make sure you smell it, okay? Man.

Hello, lovely lady. No, I hate it. Please evacuate. Welcome. Welcome, peasant. Well. What brings you to my throne room? I'm no peasant. My name is Gobble Ghoul, and I'm recently widowed. I care not for your trivial matters. Leave my throne room at once. I mean, let's not be hasty.

You know what they say, writing is kind of shocking and forbidden. A peasant and a queen, perhaps, is quite the tale.

Dear Penthouse forums. You will leave, or I will call my guards upon you. Well, jeez, all right, lady, gosh, all you had to say was leave. As you get closer, you, that's very funny, you do take a few steps closer, attempting to approach this queen, and you can see the back of the tall chair that she sits upon through her vision,

Through her visage, through her, you get the sense that she is perhaps not of this world, or perhaps between worlds. She's incorporeal. Well, I'm not seeing that, because that's that heresy that my kid brother Porcos was talking about, about spooky ghosts, so I'm not seeing this. And probably this snowball hit my head too hard, or I'm too covered in, I'm too filled with bloodlines.

Are you sure, Lani, you don't need... I mean, I don't need to be your husband, but, you know. They call me Gabagool. I'll ask you one final time to leave. All right. All right.

I don't go where I'm not wanted. I don't know why. I can't believe that, you know, ladies, they don't like a nice guy. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. They don't like a nice man such as myself with wisdom and experience. Anyway, good day, lady. All right. Are there any more of those snow perverts around?

I have my bowling. You turn, and walking out through the front doors instead of through the hall that you came in through, you find yourself out into the courtyard, and you see just in front of you Calamari and Mortadella. Borgos, what have you been doing? So I started in the courtyard while they ran up.

trying to throw rocks, but if I saw anything on the lower level, like through an open portcullis or something, I would have run after them and like, you know, ducked through hallways and tried to grab them. I would say you race into one of the rooms opposite the entrance that Calamari and Gabagool went through. And you race in and you find yourself staring at...

metal, steel on the walls, beautifully crafted weapons of all shapes and sizes, spears and swords and shields and claymores and maces, all in every direction. And in the center, standing in armor, you see a human man

covered in gleaming, beautiful filigreed full plate armor. Stands holding at one side a sword. And he, Halt! Who gives a welcome to the armory? Spooky, spooky ghost!

"Are there spooky ghosts? Show me, lad, and I will fight them!" And he raises a sword up. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I did not mean to disturb your final resting site. Were you buried here?" "Resting site? I know not what you mean. I am Sir Aldric." "Who killed you, good knight? I will avenge you. Violent revenge has kind of become my whole thing." "I am not dead! What is your name?"

Does he look like a ghost? He looks like a... I'm very ghost conscious right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like Chuckles Green. The fact that when you move your head, you see behind and through him. He's definitely some sort of spirit or between worlds in some way. My name is Porgos.

I was given the name Pork by my captors, but I- What kind of name is Porkos? You're named after an animal? A lonely pig? A swine? The weirdly intelligent pigs where I come from. The great boars with large tusks capable of goring a man even as big as me. You are a specimen of a man. Do you know how to fight?

I do know how to fight. Do you know how to fight? I am a master of all the weapons you see here. A master of arms, so to speak. Yes. We have the intelligence of my ass. Yes, that's right. So, uh...

When did you live here? Was it many millennia ago when your whole castle was brought to great ruin? You are speaking crazy! I live here now, today, this very moment! I am Stalwart's defender of this great fortress! You mean to tell me you are here presently, on the equivalent of Wednesday, on the 25th day of the fourth month? Or whatever day it is? I know exactly what day it is. Well, that is certainly the day, yes!

The equivalent of Wednesday or the equivalent of the month? Both! What year? I'm in a year, a thousand years before your year! 1986! Oh, good year.

By our calendar. Meaning the equivalent of 1986 and is now the equivalent of 2024? No, he gives you a number that just doesn't make sense. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah. I do not know the meaning of this. Are you sure you're not the spooky ghost? Quite sure. Can I perceive if this guy's full of shit? Sure. Nine. You...

I would say with a 9, you get the sense that this person is trying to tell the truth. They do not perceive themselves to be a ghost. You are the one who sees them as an apparition. They're not even shocked or surprised that you're using hand code and that literal language is coming out of their mouth. They are speaking to you the way ogres do. This is a shocking situation to find yourself in, and you still continue to be convinced by the ghostliness of this situation.

Or something there similar. May I please?

I want to grab the biggest, shiniest weapon off of the weapon racks. You walk forward and, uh, "Attracted to thee!" You reach up and I would say you grab like a halberd, like a "fuck you" greatsword. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking about, a fucking halberd. And you pull it off and you feel the weight. This does not feel ghostly to you. This feels like steel between both of your hands.

Yes, I am skilled in weapons such as these. What should we do? Like, I don't know, fight? Should we duel or something? I don't know why we would. Why are these weapons here? This is the armory. Why have you not used them to kill the snow perverts? Snow perverts? Snow perverts? Yes, the whole castle is overrun by snow perverts. Father!

And he races forward back out through the same entrance that you ran through. And as soon as he crosses the threshold, he disappears. And you race forward and you find yourself in the courtyard staring at your three companions. And in the center, you're looking back out. You no longer are holding a halberd. You are looking out and you seem to be looking at the same crushed, destroyed castle that you entered when you first came here. Oh my gosh!

Uncle Porcos! Uncle Gabigool! You guys are back? Calamari? I don't want to alarm anybody, but I found the ghost of the caribou. And he's in the library, and he's also a man. I also found the ghost of the caribou. What? Yes, he was in the armory.

I knew that it was a spooky ghost. You guys are right, and I'm sorry that I doubted you. Yes, you should have listened first. I know, I'm sorry. We followed the ghost of the caribou all the way here. We brought its dead corpse too. There is no ghost. Go turn and look at it.

If you look at it, it can find you. Oh, and Mortadella seems to be having an episode. Yeah. Oh, another one of those? I killed a bunch of those snow perverts, and then I went to the throne room, and there was some broad in there, and she tried to, you know, put on the moves, and I said, nah, pass. You're a little ugly, and you got a mole. Whoa!

Uncle Gavagool, really? How cool is that? Yeah, yeah, she was putting moves on me. She wanted you. Yeah, she did. And you told her no? She wanted me to make me her honey bear. Wow. And she was the ghost of the queen? I said, be the toots. That's so cool. Yeah, pass. How many times have you done that? Oh, plenty of times, yeah. Yeah.

You know, you gotta be careful. Yeah, there was a mole over there. Yeah, nah. They're so wise and worldly. Yeah, you know. I know the mysteries of the lady types, the lady persuasion there, young Calamon. Just follow your Uncle Gabagool. Uncle Gabagool?

I don't want to alarm you, but there's a stair right next to you. A what? A snake? A stair. A stair? A stair. Oh, stair. Stair. Stair. Stair. Yeah, she's saying stair. There are lots of them over there. I know, but I'm looking at the one closest to him. At the bottom? You might want to back up like four or five inches from it. What are you? Unless you slip and fall and die.

Adela, what are you afraid of? I literally just told you, and Calamari, he's going to be, he's going to be, the fur around his neck is going to kill him. And don't look at the caribou back there, because it's filled with ghosts. This is what I am saying. And then there's this circle of teeth like...

Montedale, just because it's called a caribou doesn't mean it's a ghost. And then this. There's this circle. Whoa! There's this circle of teeth like stones. It's so scary. Montedale, it's not like she didn't even hear that. I can't. Well. I'm so scared. Whoa!

I'm gonna go. Carol! Carol! Carol, who is only a... It wants us to kill each other. Well, I don't want to kill any of you. Should we listen to him? The only one I want to kill is that dirty Alcatra. Yeah. We have to keep our eyes on the prize. We must survive to kill Alcatra! And then the heretics. And the false prophets. And all those heretics, that's exactly right. Yeah, Bicycliff.

What? There's an archway. All right. Yeah. Yes. There's a few of them. Over yonder. Don't turn around. It's right behind you and it's crumbling. Well...

Do you have any of that happy juice it left or is it all gone? No, that's long gone. After... You know who I have? Oh, no. I see that. I care greatly for the happy juice. It's just gone before it's time. He would have loved this castle. He would have loved to be haunted by a caribou ghost. We need to find revenge. He would have killed so many snowmobiles. That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

We don't want any of us to go the way of Sausage. He would so love to be alive right now. He would very much love to be alive. We need to make sure that we're being careful and not wearing the fur. At least taking it off once it starts to... But we all have fur on. You have fur on! I have fur on?! Yes, we all have fur on! Oh, God! I'm about to take it off my chest. No, no, no, please! What are you doing? You're crazy, you're crazy! I can't, I gotta take it off! No!

And this is how Peggy became a nudist. They're lost. They're lost. No! They can't be lost! We need to seek help. In a classic film like this, we find my cousin, who is a small role played by Ray Liotta. It's Ray Liotta! It's Ray Liotta cameo! That's exactly right. Oh no, my uncles have lost it too! He was in Goodfellas.

Why is his face so bloated? Jesus. No, idiot. Oh my god. This is awful. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Nikki, roll a d2 for me. Call heads or tails. Me? No, Nikki. Oh, okay. I'm rolling heads, which will be odds. It was even, so... Okay, so you take...

Two points of bludgeoning damage as all of a sudden an icy snowball smashes you in the face. No! And the creature darts it and disappears away, but as soon as you're hit, you feel the fear of inanimate objects fade from you. Oh god, my nipples are out and I put my clothes back on. Did you see that? They're back! There's more snow perverts! Oh, there's so many snow perverts. We've only killed 19 and there are hundreds.

Hundreds? Yes. I hear them in the walls. Why are you killing them? They're just rascals. Just leave them alone. They picked the wrong group of guys. But it still depends. They hear us with snowballs. Yes. Yeah, but he did basically nothing. I've got a huge gas. Ah!

My face is unusually swollen. The snowball is full of rocks. Or on accident, maybe the snowball froze a little bit. Don't you know the top cause of death after 40 is accidents? I look towards the stairs. I'm oddly not scared of him anymore. But that's exactly what I was trying to tell Gobble Ghoul. He's pushing 60 now.

the last thing he needs to be is walking up and down icy staircases he's fine look at him it's a breathing of a champion i always just i'm i'm more in shape than galamad it's right look at him look at how huge his muscles are and his his legs and his midsection they're huge i was involved in the athlete in my day have you been taking

Have you been taking ozembeck your cheeks or something? I think... I think... Oh, what? I think... Oh, it's a type of tea or something. I think there might be... I think there might... I'm about to walk up and down the stairs to the tune of a... The tune of a... Eye of the Tiger? No. Some song by Foghat? Bruce Springsteen. A real... A real man. Who?

Well, you said Bruce Spring Spring. You remember there was a human, unfortunately he was consumed, that they called Juice Spring Spring.

The ogres ate him. Juice Springroll! Yeah, Springroll. Juice Springroll. Yeah, guy, he was a good man. He was a phenomenal musician. He had some great advice. The most talented musician of the humans, for sure. The ogres really dropped the ball on his name, though. Yeah. Oh, is he from the House of New Jerky? Yeah, yeah.

Wow, you almost destroyed Nikki. That's really good. That's very funny. You know what? Take an inspiration from New Jerky. I like that. Please don't do that. I like taking a drink. Okay. We have to kill the rest of these superpowers as we can. I think I'm going to throw all these teak stones over there that I just feel the need to put into their place. So I'm going to go do that one.

- Oh, you need some construction help? - Yeah, sure. - Yeah, 'cause I was trying to do it by myself, not with any help from like an ingle-boiled hand or anything. That'd be ridiculous. - Yeah, I could give you help. - And I was struggling. - You still have under the surface that premonition of doom.

and the idea that perhaps the solution may be to be putting this arch together. I do feel that if we fix this thing, that that premonition of doom is so to put. I can help you with your construction job. Oh, wait a minute. Is it noon? You have a three-hour mandated break.

That's Jakar, baby! You guys are soft! You're soft! You're not from Jakar! You're soft! You're soft! You're not built like we're built! Everybody else! No, no! Okay, I'll see ya! You might be, but you're not! I see ya! I would help you with those stones. I'm very capable, but my job is to bring the stones here, and it's actually Pocos

- No, no, look, I, look, that's for a stone lifter three job. I'm a stone lifter two. - Oh, okay, okay. - Look, while you take your mandated break, Uncle Porcos and I will go hunt the rest of the snow perverts, and you guys can finish building this thing. - Yeah, and if you're gonna take your break, I don't, so I'll just do all the work myself then. - Okay, that's right. - Okay. - That's just how it is, and my hands are tied.

That's the car, baby! Are you against the icy stairs?

Alright, come on, you buggers! We gotta kill these things! 4'11" Adela is hauling these stones. You reach down to pick up the same stone to go and start to move it towards the arch. You use the mage hand to initially get underneath it and lift it up and then pull it.

You're full weight under, these are heavy stones. And you don't think that you're gonna be able to carry all of these alone. Some of them are much bigger than you could carry, but picking one of the smaller ones that is this strange, almost alabaster color, you pull it up to your chest, and I need you to roll a d20 for me.

I mean, Calamari and I run into the castle and start killing more of the snow perverts. Yeah, we start hunting. Mercil is hunting down and beating to death the snow perverts. You guys start to walk away. Mortadella, you pull this up and you don't feel any change.

Should you be scared by something, you will turn into a mundane object of your choice until the threat is gone. You walk over and you're able to slip the rock into place onto one of the arms. It looks like it almost perfectly fits, and when it does, it

hardens in this position, it's like that, and all of a sudden, where if the entire arch circle was completed, where the air, there's nothing but transparent air, there is a flash, a flicker.

magenta and pinks and blues and greens and yellows all of a sudden flash. Sparks fly out in all directions. You're dazzled by the light display. You all turn and you watch and all of a sudden an object spills out. I need you to roll an additional d20. - An 18. - An 18. A small doll

Oh, and both dolls! This is a small doll of a cherubesque creature, and it has long pink hair that tapers to a point right at the top. You've got a little gem in your belly button! Exactly right. It falls, and you catch it in the air. Looking at this toy that just got spit out by this portal, you realize that should this archway be completed, it could be a bridge, a bridge to somewhere else beyond Drakkar.

Yo, Gaba Ghoul. You all see this, except for sleeping Gaba Ghoul. Whoa! Is that the ghost baby? It's like a little troll. Whoa, that's cute. It's got a little gem in its stomach. You could just rub it and you make a wish or something, I think. Really? I don't know. I'm making it up, but I think it'd be cool. Where did it come from? So, you see how I told you about those two stones? And I was...

And I was trying, I was saying we gotta fix it, 'cause it would make the woe go away that I found in the teacup this morning. And so I'm getting so distracted by his loud snoring. Can someone get him a CPAP machine? You can make the shush sound with your mouth, because it doesn't require vocal cords, but in my mind in this scene, he's snoring loudly and you're going... Yeah, go ahead.

So when I put one of the stones in the place, and then it-- I don't have sleep apnea, you have sleep apnea. And then I, it like, shimmered like there was an archway there, and then this doll just flung out at me. Oh, we gotta rebuild this thing then, right? That's what I've been trying to say! Hey, let's help! I will get the big stones! You pick up one of the bigger stones, and as soon as you touch it and your skin makes contact in this way, I need you to roll a d20. 12. 12? You can't stop smiling no matter what.

I'll also pick one up and begin to help rebuild. Roll a d20 for me. 14. You pick it up and are embarrassed. As soon as you lift it up, you let out a loud fart. And all of you, except for Gabigool, who's asleep, look and watch as it manifests as this colorful burst of confetti or bubbles or perhaps even miniature rainbows. Oh god!

You farted! No! No! That was Uncle Kabbu, he did it! There's like confetti, like all over. You develop uncontrollable bouts of- You confetted your pants! No, no, it wasn't me! I didn't do it! You have rainbow all over the back of your pants! No! Oh no! It's leaking down your leg! No, I must have shied a rainbow! A shied a rainbow! That's it! I know how to help you! What? Don't you know that excessive gas is normally a sign of stuck poop? No! And why is it-

Result, stuck poop, is to drink a coffee made from mushrooms. What? All kinds of different mushrooms. You're saying a lot of things right now. It'll help you to clear your gut. No! So that you can move along your stuck poop, which can be the cause of all kinds of things. Excessive fatigue. No, no. Lack of energy. Uncle Porkos, whoever smelt it dealt it. Uncle Porkos. It was Porkos. It was not me. It was. Look at you. Oh!

No! No, this is embarrassing! I will continue to build the spooky ghost portal! I'm gonna go see where more of these cow perverts are! You are able to fashion one of these-- I'm gonna just check off one, two, and three, as you're able to move three of these stones into place. And each time that you do, let's say--

Do you actually drop the stones and smiling and farting stop what you're doing? I never stopped. Yeah, I left the room. I was embarrassed. You put the stone down. You did not return the stone to the archway. You disappear into another door and will resolve that momentarily. You, however, put the situated on the other arm and you're able to sit. And all of a sudden it like...

locks into place and there's, you can see where there would be mortar between these rocks. It glow almost this impossible, beautiful, brighter than any color you've ever seen under a car. And a shock of a portal appears briefly before dissipating. I need you to roll a d20 for me. 16. 16.

Another doll, a larger doll. Not a doll the size of... that you can hold in one hand, like what...

I'm gonna say Queenie. Mortadella. Mortadella received, but instead, in... It's funny. Nine days, Mortadella. The size of a human baby spills out. Extremely lifelike, wearing fabric little clothes, and you catch it, and its eyes loll at you as its eyelashes move. Possessed ghost baby. Its eyes staring out, and all of a sudden, when you turn it, a voice emerges out.

I can see the man in the moon! - The moment he starts screaming, I jump and immediately turn into a teacup. - Ghost baby turn the, Mortadella, are you alive? - The sound of the scream wakes you, Gabigool.

And you look forward and you see Porco standing, smiling over a inanimate human baby and a teacup. More mortadela. Well, it's still my... She turned into a teacup. It's still my mandated bank. You may go back to sleep. I'm actually going to fix myself a little bit of a caribou hoagie, if you don't mind me. I'm just going to get the stuff to make a bit of a fire. I'm going to...

I'm just gonna butcher it real quick. Oh, it's covered in soup over it. Blah. Blah-blah. I'll wash it off now. I'll go over to the caribou. Is that inside? Yeah, it's just inside the courtyard where Mortadella left it. And you begin to butcher it and start to turn a sandwich made for a...

A union man, let's say. Calamari, you dart into a room.

And instead of finding what should be a... dilapidated room that's been-- yeah, your farts are just emanating. You're rocketing forward, you're trying to outrun the farts. It's bad. A lot of confetti. A lot of confetti. You run into what was once a kitchen, but is now a kitchen. There are bubbling pots and food in all directions. You can see all of these

cooking implements going on. And you can see racing from station to station a short man wearing a chef hat.

And he's just going about his business, just stir-frying and turning and checking things and tasting soups, and he pays no attention to you. And you can see through him in the same ghostly way that you have noticed the others. Oh, no more caribou ghosts. Oh, what is this? Oh, get out of my kitchen with that! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I really, I don't have time for this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

You race around and you're looking for, uh, I need to make a, um... I'm not looking for anything, I'm just embarrassed. Oh, you're just, I thought you were looking for a soup pervert.

I'm more... This is more important. I'm embarrassed. Okay, well, that's going to persist for some time. I know, and I won't return to my friends until I'm not embarrassed anymore. Well, that's... I've been shamed. I know, and now you've been... Where do you go in the castle? Do you go to any more rooms, or do you just, like... Yeah, I just try to find... As soon as you find, like, a hallway, you just, like... Yeah, I'm trying to find a spot where I'm alone. Okay. To let this horrific...

Illman, pass! Okay. It's definitely gonna pass. I know! It won't stop! It won't stop! You're thinking about that mushroom. Calamari finds a place to hide after his experience with the nameless chef. Mortadella, you're a teacup. Yeah. Porkos, what are you doing? He goes, maybe turn Mortadella into a teacup. Maybe this will fix it. I die! I die!

And I laugh as I destroy the little baby doll. Yeah, with this horrific smile on your face, you Johnny Five, the fucking baby. I'm alive! Please no, I'm alive! I'm alive! The doll is destroyed, and as soon as you have completely decimated this inanimate human baby, you...

transform back into Mortadella, the threat of the doll having been removed. Oh god! Ugh, I'm scared of you! You want a D-cup? No, I'm Mortadella. I will continue. I'll pick up the next stone. Roll a d20 for me. Continue building. Sixteen. You gotta get it nice and thin. Nice and thin. Aren't you supposed to be on break?

This is my bra- making myself a sandwich. Is your map over? Uh, I need to watch that one. Yeah, the ra- the ruckus was crazy, all of the- the- the cr- crassing of stones. Um, 16 you say? Yep. Sorry. One moment. You shrink.

You begin to get smaller and smaller and smaller. You drop the stone before it can crush you, because you have, by the time you come to rest, have shrunk down to an eight-inch tall, still to scale, but eight-inch tall version of yourself. You've been Indian in the cupboard. Oh, no! I have been shrunk! What about me? Where'd you go? What about me?

Wait for one second and he runs off. He must be on his break too. Well, it's been about three hours. My mandated break is over. Need help? Yeah, well, Porco's just left, so. Porco, Porco, where'd he go? I'm not sure. Are you like jumping up and down? Yeah. Oh, wow. So wait a minute. If I'm understanding this correctly, we had...

Galamon, start finding the control room. Yeah. Porkos has suddenly shrunk, and we're much larger. He's suddenly shrunk? Well, we better get this over with before we get too far into the session that is the DM's thinly-veiled fetishes. Not to mention all the... No! Not to mention all the third-purpose. Isn't that why there were so many dolls? I don't even want to know. Well, here we go. I'm going to... No!

You attempt to grab the rock though, and you hurt yourself. You do pull a muscle in your back. Your lower back is previously injured, but I needed to roll a d20. I got hit on the jaw! There better be hazard pay! 17. 17!

Roll again. It's how I am still fooled by you. I don't know. I should have seen that coming. I should have seen that coming. You have a ghoul. I'm not making this up. The person you saw last possesses you. The person you saw die last, specifically, possesses you. Oh.

Oh no, a bug! Gaba Cool, what are you talking about? You just pulled your back muscle! What do you mean? Well, you were lifting the stove for me after you saw Porkos go small. And then... What are you saying? And then you pulled your back muscle. Are you feeling okay? Why am I so...

Why am I so short and fat? And why do I feel so old? I was so young and vibrant. Your back hurts. I'm a young child, childlike age of 42 and my lower back is killing me. What's going on? Don't hit him! Oh no, a bug! It's tearing my insides out. What are you talking about? You're just standing there, holding your side. Oh no. Oh hey! Bugger.

Is that you down there? Yes! I'm down here! I never thought I'd see you. So small. I had karate chop action! Oh, ever again! Is it really you?

What do you mean, of course, it's me? I'm just gonna start working on this thing. I'm gonna pick up a stone. Suddenly-- You grab a stone and endeavor to move it into place. Roll a d20 for me. Gobble goop, this is a very sick joke! I don't care for it! And roll again. 15. 15. Attempts at persuasion and social interaction always backfire spectacularly. Oh, great.

But you are able to lift the stone and put it in place if you so desire. Wait a minute. I don't know what's going on here, but I really need you to help me with this. More to tell it to you. Yeah, we've been, we traveled all day together. What are you talking about? I was getting your part. And now I'm hearing you guessing. Is it really you?

Oh cool, who else would it be? Oh Sausage, we have missed you so! It's me, Sausage. Gavagool could be here to see you! Wait, are you trying to be the different Sausage? It's me, Sausage, spelled S-O-S-I-J. Well, Gavagool always did a good Sausage impression, so I'm not sure. I love how you start with something like Bartok for an impression. Yes! This is my Hey Kaziria impression! Um...

I get 12 back sticks. I don't know what's going on. Last time I remember that, that wild, kick-ass, strong and strong young lady who is kind of more of a blank slate for the audience to project themselves upon. Jesus. Was being a badass and taking out that giant bug as I was trying to pull my entrails back into my stomach.

I was here. No, pick me up! Pick me up! From the archway that Calamari went down, you hear a soft echoing as it begins to get closer and closer. Hey, guys. Hello.

I'm back. You haven't been able to stop this entire time. It's just been endless. I've realized that I have to get past my embarrassment and come help rebuild this thing. None of us are going to make fun of you at all for what's going on. I need you to keep building this archway because Gabagool's turned into sausage. What? Oh, it's you, Gilmari.

Oh my god, he's sick with grief. I don't believe it. It can't be. No, it's truly me. Gosh, there's a tired blue bug with steam breath. Oh, it tore me to pieces. No, you were killed by the filthy rat. By Alcatra. Alcatra? You mean Daisy? She was such a badass.

She had crazy powers. We suspect that she murdered you! My favorite part about her is...

Is that a personality that can be whatever you, the viewer, wants it to be? Okay, this is a nightmare. We have to try to end this, and I'll walk over and I'll bend down to pick up a rock, and as I bend down... Why are you farting? Why are you farting all of a sudden? What? Please don't bring attention to it. I'm really trying to work through this. Why are you farting? That's disgusting!

I will help! I will help! You can't move the rocks at all. You can attempt to touch them, but I will say that as soon as you grab one, both of you roll a d20. What's going on? Thirteen. Nineteen. Nineteen. I thought when I died I'd go to ogre heaven. What is this horseshit? It's actually terrible torture oblivion. No, that's a great question! Did you meet Sophileth?

The great Sopholith in the field of Sopholith's dreams? You drop the stone on your head.

You do not actually, you're not able to get it to the archway, but as you are pushing it forward, you're farting and you're exclaiming because of Sausage's exclamations and declaration. All of a sudden, the stone slips and smacks you in your head. You take three bludgeoning damage in this moment, and you're looking at your hands as it smarts you. You hold your head, feeling the pain, and you realize that your hands are slick with something. Looking, you are sweating butter.

Am I still on my other curse too? Face back. Poor ghost, I want to die! What happened to you, Kadmari?

I don't know. I thought, I thought, uh, Gabagool taught you that drugs are bad again. I'm sweating butter. That's what I'm saying. Actual butter. It's the drugs that these kids are doing these days after, after they got rid of the teaching of the Zopholith. Ah, I can't. All the kids are doing drugs and suddenly butter and farting rainbows. What are you saying? You didn't go to heaven? Are you confirming that Zopholith was a scam? I was in some dark cave in the water with a bunch of ghost ogres.

What? Ghost Soldier sounds like he was with something. I was in Neverending Torment. It wasn't the Paradise?

No, it was a terrible, terrible hell. What? Yeah, it was a bunch of bad stuff happening. Porgos, you're listening to this, and you are still trying to help. I'm trying to shove out the rock. You're pushing into it. You're pushing into one of the stones, at least trying to get it closer to the archway, and all of a sudden you see on the same wall of the stone, which is to you the size of a large wagon at this point, you're pushing and pushing. A second...

Horkos looks at you. "Ha ha! Let's go! Ha ha!" He starts to push into it. I don't sound like that! To you, he sounds the correct pitch. And he realizes that a duplicate of yourself appears, mirroring your every motion and action. If what Sausage says is true, then Sophilith has abandoned us, and this is why I'm

Can't stop farting and I'm spitting butter. There's no reason to go on. We should just curl up in the snow and die. Yeah, you might be right about that. I was in bug hell getting eaten by bugs. All that waits for us is oblivion. And oblivion. All that waits for us is oblivion. And steam. And steam rooms. I sound nothing like this. I sound nothing like this. Yeah.

Why are there so many ostriches? Why are there so many ostriches? I don't know what to do here. Wait! I can't believe-- I'm too weak to do this by myself. Together we can do it! And you know what? Together we can do it! Let us lift! My favorite part, my only consolation is that Daisy, the hero, tried to save me in my final moments. Make a strength check at advantage because you're being helped to see if you can get one of the additional stones in place. Just strength, straight strength? Yep.

15. 15. You are able to push it into place, and I need you to roll a d20, as all of a sudden, you all watch. This time, the portal lasts even more strongly than it did before. And you all watch, and you can see that it's not just a swirl of color and motion anymore. Beyond is a beautiful sight.

lush, almost garden, a picturesque vision of vegetation. There are flowers and beautiful shaped trees. The green is a green of grass that you didn't think could be possible. It is gorgeous, but all of a sudden, through that space, just as it flashes out of existence, gone in, arriving in one moment, gone in the next, I need to roll a d20. - Oh, again? - Yep.

One. A handful, a dozen, two dozen, three dozen, perhaps more of small circular discs with interesting shaped designs on the face spit out and fall to your feet. Oh! To you, these are the size of like shields. To everyone else, they're pogs. Whoa, what's going on by the way? My brother, where's Kabogoo?

You are a copy-cool! Look at you! What are you talking about? Look at me! Is there a mirror around here? Oh, I'm possessing my dearest brother. I'm so glad you guys made it. Do I still have my clone? Yeah. And he's just mirroring everything that I do? Yeah, you're small. You are both still smiling constantly. Regardless of emotion. And, uh, the... Yeah, you have all three of these RPs are stacked. Hey, boomers, remember Pogs?

They're apparently very hip again. Are they really? All I know is that I think what this is all is an insolvent plan I've returned from the dead. After seeing the gift of the... the Shai Halaz. I would give anything to go back to the time before the false prophets showed up and ruined everything. That's right, I think that this is now the beginning of a new movement. We need to go and find those traitorous humans and lead them to paradise.

to Sophilus summary fields or whatever. I will use my brother's body as a vessel and I am risen. The second coming of Sonses! The second coming of Sonses. It is as written! Calamari, make a perception check. Me? Yep. Okay. He is returned! Perception, you say? Yeah. I got a 14.

You see a snowball sailing in your direction. Do you try to dodge out of the way? I attempt to catch it with deflect missiles. Huh. Okay. That's pretty shocking. I use my reaction to deflect or catch the missile when I am hit by a ranged weapon attack. Uh-huh.

When I do so, the damage I take from the attack is reduced by 1d10 minus 6. Okay. If I reduce the damage zero and I have a free hand, which I do, I can spend one ki point to make a ranged attack with it by throwing it back at the attacker. Great. Great. Does it hit me?

Because being hit is part of the condition. I'll roll to C instead of a dexterity saving throw. What's your AC? 16. Yeah, I got a natural 17. I would like to use my reaction to reduce by 1d10+. What's the damage? It's always a 1d4, so... Oh, I definitely reduce the damage down to nothing. Four. I rolled a four. All right, well, I got an 11. Okay. So I see this snowball coming, and I...

catch it, but the way that I catch it, I use the momentum and I spin around in a 360 degree and whip the snowball right back where it came from, making a ranged attack at wherever this thing is. Okay, go ahead and roll to hit. 15 to hit.

15 to hit. That hits. You are able to smash the face of this small, furry, different color-eyed creature. It's clearly shown up perhaps for revenge for his 19 dead brothers and sisters, but he becomes number 20 as you smash him in the face. I do 15 points of damage.

I was gonna say it just hits him and he just tumbles down off the side of the wall. No, no, no. A snowball-sized hole. You were able to whip this snowball so fast, like that. A snowball-sized hole just appears in the center of this creature where its mouth should have been, and you're able to see through that as he falls forward. The scream stops instantly. He tumbles down to the ground and lands in a lump.

Two things happen. One, you kill the strange creature. And two, you are no longer flatulent. You seem to be cleared of all of the curses of these strange stones. I'm not in the mood to be- I can't stop farting! Wait! Wait a minute! My tummy feels better. I think it's over. It's over! It's done! I'm free! I'm not sweating butter anymore!

What? Is this how I get... I don't... Maybe. I'm not sure if it was me killing one of those snow pervers or what. But I'm free. I kind of like having a second poro... porco store. I kind of like having a second porco store. Oh, let me try this one on you. Let me try this one on you. In America, you put in cards we trust on your money. In Drakkar, we have no money. In Drakkar, we have no money.

It's good, though. It's good, though. Okay, let us go. Speaking of God, I think that I have been reborn into a god after being brought low by the Remoraz. I think I'm Remorazora High. You've heard the prophecy. Reborn amongst snow and butter. Wielding a bloody meat hook.

And he will wake spooky robots from stone. Maybe this is why Sopholith isn't real because Sausage is the real prophet! I am the prophet of... I am the prophet of... Sopholith. Perumal Resora High. I must wake the spooky robot from the stone. The spooky ghost from the stone. This will be a great beast for us to conquer. Okay. You're way cooler than Uncle Gobblegool. Uncle Sausage, you should stay forever. Uncle Gobblegool...

Play this part. And that part is over. My lower back really hurts. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life! As was written. Brother Purcos, let us stealth and bushwhack one of the snow perverts! So we're gonna go sneak and try to like, very stealthily, as eight inches tall, we're both gonna sneak up onto and then try to stealthily kill a snow pervert. As Sausage, I'm going to try to wake the beast from the stone. So I'm gonna try to help.

15. No, no, 14. But eventually, you...

are able to find one. And not just find one, but you're peeking over a wall, you can see one of these creatures dragging his long arms, making his way around as though to sneak up on the courtyard, and perhaps with two snowballs in either hand. It looks like you'd be able to drop down and get literally the drop on this strange creature. Are you ready? Yes!

On three! One, two, three! And we'll leap and grab hands, sort of like skydiving style, and spin around. That's adorable. Land on them, and it'll be like the scene from Jurassic Park where the compies eat John Hammond. We're gonna just tear them apart. Our bare hands. Ripping their eyeballs out, their flesh. Make an attack roll to see how effective your attack is. He may be able to get away. That's very funny. I'll give it to you. That is a...

17. A 17. You are able to grab onto the long hair of this creature, and even though it's like beating up a whale, you are strong enough, and between you and your brother, you are able to take this creature down. I'm trying to see how this jug does. This is my question.

It's extremely violent. Gabagool, you watch the entire thing. Sorry, Sausage as Gabagool. Gabagool as Sausage, you watch the entire thing. You are shocked by your brother's transformation. Sausage returns. He lives. We will lead them to paradise. Those traitors and heretics, they have turned away against the ways of Sothelit. This is a tragedy. I will wake the beast from the stone.

Reborn among snow and butter. When the screaming stops, the two of you stare at each other, covered in viscera, but nothing changes. The curse is not undone. Oh, fuck! What the hell? We're both coated in blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're red from... It looks like you just fell into a fucking, like, grape-making barrel.

The horrors I have committed. Oh no! Do you come back? Yeah, we both walk back. Uncle Porkos! What happened? Were you successful? It looks like you killed one. We did. It didn't fix you? No. I don't know what fixed my horrific flatulence.

Did you have some of that mushroom coffee I told you about? No, I couldn't find any. You still have stuck poop in the flatulence. I've seen those YouTube ads about the 15 pounds of toxic poop. The CPM on those is very high. It is. The toxic poop. I

I don't know what Dr. Poop is. It's clickbait! Advertisement materials! There is no toxic poop in paradise. What I saw was softness paradise, actually. I was kidding. I was kidding earlier.

I was kidding earlier, I am Sausage Reborn. What are we gonna do? We're gonna wait for the Beasts from the Stone. How many more of these stones do you need? I'm going. Make a perception check. Yeah, 'cause he was already doing it. Oh, you're doing it? Yeah, I'm with Sausage as well. Okay, okay. I'm trying to. Roll a d20 for me as you pick up the next four. You are now sponsored. You get one gold piece every time you find a clever way to mention this brand.

Oh, I'm breaking a sweat. But you know what? I have so much energy, friends, because I didn't skip breakfast. And I always loved cereal in the morning with my morning minor images. And that's why today's sponsor, Magic Spoon.

has sponsored this and I had a big bowl of Magic Spoon. I prefer the Fruity Crunch variety, but you can enjoy chocolate peanut butter. You all listen in here. And it's actually high in protein and low in carbs and is keto-friendly. So you use code REMERAZORAHI to get 20% off your first order and they deliver directly to you.

Bad time over. As he positions the final step into place. Oh, sweet! And the flash occurs, and for an extended period of time, you all see the most beautiful heaven you've ever seen. A space that looks warm and gorgeous. You even get a warm wind against your face. You get a fragrant smell of flowers. I need you to roll a d20 for me, Mikey. Oh, me? Mm-hmm.

A nine. A nine! And I'll put another stone back on after I take the gold coin. You see this flashing and then all of a sudden when the image of color and

disappears. You're again staring into the courtyard, but an object is flipping through the air. It looks like a long rod, and you catch it in one hand. And you can see at the bottom of this rod there's almost like a small cylinder. And you turn the rod like this, and it goes...

You may add Grown Stick to your inventory. 80%

The most dangerous reference! "As was written, wielding a groaning rod, "reborn by snow and butter,

I will lick the bees from the stone. And although I died the first time because the Remorhaz found me, if only I had used today's sponsor, NordVPN, and everyone would have been fine with my location. We are legally required to say that this is not a sponsorship. It's just a bit. Also... We are legally required... Also, I can watch cartoons with my magic spoon cereal that are available in Drakkar.

that are available in Barkist. I'll take the other coin. You know... That was funny. Sorry, I just had to go. As a prophet of Sophilith, I want to bring the heretics to paradise.

Make it exertive every time. *laughs*

Eight? Roll a d2. Me? Oh, a d20? A dexterity saving throw? Just a d2, call tails or heads. Well, I didn't roll any saving throw. Oh, I thought you said... No, no, I actually... Dexterity saving throw. I'm actually pretty good at that. Oh my god. It's still loading. It's definitely alive. Dexterity saving... 17. Whoa, I just rolled one, two, and three as you were talking. Is it alive?

What did you roll? 17. 17. It's a dim house. At 17, I have to try to beat. I fail. A snowball pelts the wall beside you, but misses. And you look up, and you can see one of these few remaining creatures. Ah! And he starts to put together another snowball. Ah!

Hey, you sure are hairy. Just like my nuts used to be. You get hit by a snowball immediately. With today's sponsor, Nanscape.

He's gonna be rich! You take one bludgeoning damage as a snowball smashes into your face. Scratching you with its ice contents and all of your curses are cleared in this moment. As you are hit by the snowball, you still have a groaning stick. That's real. But the sponsorship and sausage possession, all of these things disappear. Joke's on you. The sponsorship thing is just innate to his character.

That's true. But you are four gold pieces. I don't want to be dead. I don't want to be in hell. I don't want to be in hell. Oh, God. Oh, the demons have been born. Oh.

They got red butts and they're poking me! Yeah! Uh... Porkos? That didn't sound like Sophaleth and his green fields and pastures. That sounded really bad. Maybe they were red ogres? I don't know. I'm starting to have doubts. It was all a lie. I have to go home.

You asked me how many stones there appear to be left, correct? Yeah, imagine. There appear to be two stones remaining in the courtyard. Me and my twin go do one of them. Both of them are larger than any one person could pick up at normal size. Additionally, looking at the archway, it's still complete, but completing, and you've made tremendous progress. But these two are not gonna finish the archway. Ah, shit.

We have a problem. What? I don't think there are enough stones to complete our project. What the fuck happened? I was on my mandated break and I decided to help and I sprained my back and I fell over and I woke up. Did I just have a stroke? Maybe. I don't know. You thought you were sausage. What are you, sleepwalking again? Why do I suddenly feel the need to get scammed into thinking I'm the Lord in Scotland?

I don't know. That was very funny. But we were really worried about you. You, you, you... I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking. I had a weird dream. You claimed to be the second coming of Sausage. I had a weird dream. Sausage? You were possessed by the soul of our dear kid brother. You know how you mean my kid brother? He was really dark. Only 42 years old. We give it. He was 42 years old. Oh, but Sausage was here. He was here. He was here.

Speaking through your mouth. I always knew that he was my guardian angel looking out for me. He said something really concerning before you came back. Like what? Something about hell and pitchforks. He's definitely in hell. I don't think Sophilus, he's in Sophilus' grace. That would be that ridiculous. Could that mean that everything we were talking about Sophilus was a true? Every time. Every time. No, exactly.

I know, I'm having doubts! And every time Gavagool is doing this with his hands, he's still got that fucking groan stick, so he's like, "Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew

Maybe. Out of what? Stones? I don't know. Take some of the bodies from those things you've been killing and just stuff them into that last knot. That's a genius idea, Mokadam.

Come here, soup perverts. We're gonna desecrate your food. Why do you keep calling them soup perverts? They're snow perverts. Oh, the snow perverts. I hit my head when I fell down. Well, you were doing it before, but who's counting? Let's pick up the stones! Occasionally start breathing in your sleep. You know, I was having really rough sleep.

But I realized it was my mattress and it wasn't until he lept to sleep... No gold appears, he's just saying this. That I had such a comfy mattress made for my niece. The four of you walk up and you... What's your niece's name? What? You said the mattress was made for your niece. No, I never had a sister. And Fawfudge never took a wife. And neither did Borkos. Oh, my kid brother.

I always said, "Sauce, stay away from those rods, they're gonna break your heart like kimchi." May she rest in peace. You all walk up to the largest of the two stones. It'll require all five of you to pick up this stone and move it into position where you might be able to lift it with the successful strength check. We do it. But when you all put your hands on the stone, I need one of you to roll a d20. I'm doing it.

All of you are constantly slipping on banana peels, causing your fulcrum. Don't fall. You can't do it. Yeah, you can't do it. I don't think we're gonna be able to do it.

I think Clone Porcos broke his neck in the fall. Wait, was that me?

Oh no! Hold on, hold on. You killed him! Hold on, now I need... You killed him! I think he's fine. I think... He's like stuck here. He's like... Yeah. Yeah. He's a broken... He's a broken... He's a broken... He's like a bag of meat. He's like a stretch Armstrong. He's like... He's like... He's like... He's like...

*Cries*

Can you believe that in such a short time you've lost two brothers now? What if that was the real Porco and I am the clone? Wait, how is it you would know, right? I don't know if I would know. I think I am the real Porco. But that Porco probably thought it was the real Porco. Oh no. No. How is this happening? Oh.

- Krokos, I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. - Six. - You fail. Call tails or heads. - Heads. - Tails. - I fail. - You take four points of bludgeoning damage and your tiny form is a massive snowball almost the height of you. Hits you, but you lose all curses at once and you grow back into your massive state. Like that. - Oh no! - Oh no!

Is he still there, or did he disappear? He would have disappeared. You no longer have a gooey body. Where Gabigool was smashing, it just looks like a tampered-down snow. Oh, thank you so for ending this. Gosh.

Well, I don't know what's going on. I want to go home! I just want to go back to the camp that we made that was outside of the meadow. That was so nice. Me too. Oh, the thin trail of smoke. That sausage with the float. Sausage with the float. He would have loved to be alive today. He also would have loved a new dungeon in Raid Shadowland. And by using code GABBAGOOL, got 10,000 silver.

And the new skin, Gorgob's... Glogoborogob. The new hero. You would've loved today's vlog though.

And he would have joined my clan, too. How do I spell the name of the hero? Someone in chat! Someone in the chat has to go back and try to construct. There are still two stones here. You know they might not complete the arch, but given the gray warnings of Mortadella and the fear you hear in her voice from the beginning of this day, you wonder if not putting them in place may spell disaster.

I'll do it. Borgos, you might be the only one who can do this. I can't stand up. I do not want to be cloned again. I need to... I'll do it! In the honor of Sausage if he was truly here.

Spreading the good word of Sothelis. Well, not quite. I have lots of doubts now. I will put in the stone. Everything we believed is probably a lie. It's not true. You attempt to reach the stone, and your back slips, and you fall prone because you hit another banana peel. You're unable to get to the stone in time, Porcos. You think that with the...

a righteous strength check, you may be able to pick up the stone even by yourself. Porkos, it has to be you! You're the only one strong enough! Roll a d20. Rage, and I will do that. We have a twist.

I'm twisting until I pass this. Natural 20. Let's fucking go. A natural 20? Or not plus three. No, no, no, no. A natural 20 on the... No, on the strength check. On the strength check. Okay. You are able to put it into place, but I need you to roll a d20 for what comes out the portal and a d20 for your twist. You choose the order. Portal. Three. Twist. Or whatever is... Curse. Curse is 13. You push it into place and all of a sudden around both of your...

Wrists. Two slap bracelets. Neat. And then... However, what was the number that you got for your prompt? Uh... 13. Roll again. 14. Roll again. 1. Roll again. 18. No, no, one we've gotten. We haven't gotten. Oh, wow, I thought we got one.

You look at your hands and you realize that these strange metal straps can be pulled off and straightened and then snapped back onto your wrist. And you have two of these now and you're looking at them. Then you're looking at your hands and you're noticing wrinkles. Every minute you will age one year. I don't know if I would notice right away. I don't think you would either. I'm gonna get up. Gosh.

None of us are skilled at putting these stones back together. Is it done? There's still one more stone. You have to do it again, Porkos! Can someone else do it? I can't stand up, I'll slip. I'm feeling winded. I don't have the skill. If only I had subscribed to today's sponsor, Skillshare.

I could have learned everything I needed and it's easy to use courses. It has to be you! It has to be you, Porkos! You're the only one that can stand! By using code... By using code SNOWPERVERT, get a free month at Skillshare.com. Could you at least show our own problems? The person who reviews the codes is like, Snowpervert?

You're right. I hope someone goes to Skillshare and tries to eat a snow pear. You're right. I hope they don't. You're right, Porkos, my dear brother. Yes. We're all beaten and battered, but I've been useless. I've been a coward. I never had the makings of a varsity athlete. No, you did not. But now, I'm going to prove that I can save us all. But this last stone...

and think back to the fond folk horror stories I would tell Sausage when he was a kid brother at the age of 41. And I learned it all from The Crooked Moon at thecrookedmoon.com, the greatest folk horror supplement ever written. And with The Crooked Moon, I was able to

Brave the Dark Wood, beware the witching hour, and weave my own dreadful folktale at thecrookedmood.com. Pre-order now before prices go up. Well done, well done. To avoid the banana peel slippage.

to attempt this. I need you to make a dexterity, uh, an acrobatics check, right? Uh, and... I'm twisting. Yeah, do it. I'm twisting. I need you to roll a d20. I'm twisting. Three twists. Oh. 18. Okay. Three twists. Thanks, folks. Okay. You get it in place. And you need to roll up your prompt.

Isn't there only one left? Yeah, there's only one left. You've touched it. By touching it, you are going to be cursed by the strange stone curses. And by putting it in place... 25.

You don't add anything to the... Oh, my acrobatics? Oh, your acrobatics? Yes. No, no, no, no. I thought you were already successful at that. No. It is 25. You rolled an 18, you have a 25. Yes. I see. Yes. Okay. 25. You are able to dodge the bananas. You're able to easily outmaneuver them and put this largest stone into place. You can see that there's just room, perhaps, for a keystone. But you are...

Cursed as you touch this stone, why don't you roll a d20 for me? One. Roll again. Seven. Roll again. Seventeen. Three. Three. Eight. Five. Three. We're gonna go with three. Thank you. Before prices go up, like this stone! Whoa!

It flashes and flashes and flashes and it's warping and twisting and shattering apart and for a moment it actually seems to stabilize this portal and you feel like you could walk through it when all of a sudden a small pixie flutters up, beautiful butterfly wings, gorgeous features, she hovers right in front of your face. Are you gabagool? Whoa.

Hello. I said, are you Gaba Ghoul? Hold on.

Hey. Hey. How you doing? How you doing? How you doing, pretty lady? My name is Gabagool. Is your name Gabagool? That's right it is. Don't wear it out, toots. Thanks, you've just been served. And then she disappears into the portal, which suddenly vanishes. Served with what? You're holding a parchment, looking at the parchment. Kimchi. Kimchi.

Still alive, wants divorce. Gosh. What is it? I haven't been served this badly since that time we went out to eat at that overpriced restaurant. Thank goodness was HelloFresh. I can have affordable home-cooked meals that are very delicious and easy to make. All delivered to my door. I thought Kim Cheese was dead. We thought so too. She is alive?

I guess it's better that she wants a divorce than she's dead, yeah?

No, this means she will take half of his stuff! That means she's gonna take half of my stuff! You didn't sign a prenup? I did, but the court's gonna throw it out! What do you even have to take, Uncle Gothel? My dignity! We'll see how good these new fucking lawyers are! No, it's just unrippable. They won't take it. You sons of didn't die for this!

"Oh gosh, we're gonna split the Beanie Baby collection in half!" And a Beanie Baby pops out from the portal.

You all watch as Gabagool slips this final rock, not final rock, but penultimate rock into place. Penultate. Penolum-tate. Penolum-tate. Penolum-tate. Penolum-tate. Thank you. In place. And Pixie arrives, serving him court summons and disappearing into the portal. He is still desperately trying and failing to rip it apart. But

Porcos, you're the only one who is... Totally different. Totally different. You're the only one who can seemingly walk around without slipping on banana peels. It's a miracle that Gabagool is able to navigate to this space. The two of you, Mortadella and Calamari, you are nearly helpless without a very high dexterous roll. I'm just going to lay here. I'm just going to lay in the snow.

Yeah, I'm with you, Calamari. I'm not very dexterous. And looking at the portal, you can see that the keystone is what remains. It looks like the perfect size for one of those little bucks. Oh, the snow perverts? Yeah. The rest of you, lay there. Make sure that Gabagool does not stop breathing for too long. She was supposed to be dead. My life insurance policy is worth it now. I will help.

And I'm just gonna sort of trot off and start looking all around the castle the courtyard for a keystone shaped stone make an investigation check I'm twisted yeah, it's midnight, so I'm twisting That's a 16 so 15 total 15 total yeah you

Make a perimeter, walking around the courtyard. As you walk by the entrances to the sort of inner areas, you walk past a library. Looking in, you can see there's a very studious scholar still putting books into a cart, wheeling them over and situating them. You pass.

You continue to walk around, you can see a kitchen full of food and fragrant with delicious goods. But looking for a stone as you are, you pass. You go back and you can see in the armory, and the knight has returned, the defender of this fortress. And again, you pass. You are hell-bent on finding this stone, but...

You only see the stone of the fortress, this destroyed space. You do not see that same alabaster stone anywhere in this courtyard area. You do see, to Mortadella's suggestion, 19 bodies shaped perfectly like this keystone. It's a very weird coincidence.

Alright. I'm gonna collect as many as I can. As many corpses as I can. Yeah, yeah. You're able to carry like eight or nine of these things at once. I want-- it's kind of like when you have the little balls of, um, like blue tack or poster tack, and you stick it together and make a big ball. Yeah. I wanna basically start sticking them together to make as big of a corpse ball as I can.

and I'm gonna walk up to the arched stone, just press it in, and obviously there's gonna be extra, but I wanna like fully like mush the corpse ball. Really tuck it in there. Just really get it in every nook and cranny so it is as tight as possible, and then scrape off the, I'll take like a pottery tool. This is a nightmare! Multicolored eyes, arms, fur,

and blood and bones all squish into this space. And you do your very best to carve it into shape. And you take a few steps back and put your hands on your hips and look up at your creation. And it looks like the arch is perfect. And there's this momentary flicker. A brilliant light shifts around and you can see all of a sudden the portal start to stabilize. You...

to shift and walk. And you can see this almost illusory terrain start to come in and out of focus. A UFO! It's dizzying to... It's dizzying as you watch. It's dizzying as you look through the portal. A balloon popping. A leaf blowing. Yeah, I was gonna say, what, a chainsaw or something? What else can you do? Ooh.

We're just torturing Derek at this point. I'm working on a new one. I have a new one for Beneath Our Grings, I think, at some point. You had a really good one the other week where I was like, wow, that's impressive, and I can't think of any more. Thank you, thank you. Oh, paper ripping. It's easier with paper. You have to have paper. Oh, that's really good, yeah. A colonoscopy.

I have a really funny joke. Tell us later. I'll tell you later. It's very funny. One moment. You look through, and this beautiful space seems to be in front of you. And it finally comes to rest. You're looking into a wild terrain of magic, it looks like.

Gorgeous. And it looks like you could walk through this portal if you wanted to. Oh my gosh! I'm looking over my shoulder, I'm trying to roll on my stomach. Is that Sophilus Great-Greenfields? It is ogre heaven. Borgos! Uncle Borgos! Pick me up! Pick me up! Take me through! Yes, boy! This is what sausage sacrificed themselves for.

You all scanned.

And you are familiar enough now with the falling of banana peels that you know that you need to really, really take your time, stepping after step. You're being carried by porkos.

Kabad-gul, Martadella, you slowly walk, and the four of you start to progress closer and closer when, just as you're about five, six, seven feet away from the entrance, making your way almost upstairs to cross through the threshold, the keystone goops free of its space, and the portal

No! No! Fades and disappears. I can fix this! I can fix this! Put me down first! I put them down. You push the blood back in, and again it crystallizes, and you see this charge fill the entire space, and it is darker. It is red with blood. It is dripping, and you are looking through, and you can see the beautiful space, but it's also shifting,

to another space. You can see rocks. You can see floating magma in the air. You can see, you get a smell of sulfur, of burnt eggs almost. Quickly! I throw Mortadella. I throw...

I chuck everyone through. You chuck them through and I need you to make a dexterity saving throw to see if you make it through in time before the constructed keystone falls back apart. I do have danger sense. Twist it till you get 100.

That's pretty good. That's a 15. A 15. You dart forward and you...

17. You hear the portal close just as you pass through. You imagine that perhaps if it had stopped as you were passing through, that your legs or your feet would have been left behind. But you fall down. You are not in a beautiful space of plants and flowers and fairies. Looking around, you seem to be in a

desolate place. Oh, the hell, perhaps, that Sausage was describing earlier. Looking all around, you seem to be in an impossible dark space. The sky is itself a roiling red and black cloud that just seems to consistently undulate. All around you, you can see lightning strikes in the distance. You see a mountain range all around you. You're in a terrible space. No!

Oh, God, it's so much better than your core. What have we done? Where are we? Is this our punishment for the crimes that we've made, for the murders we've committed? No. Let's all relax. Let's all relax. This is just one speed bump in the way. Sausage wouldn't lead us astray, would he? Sausage is dead. He was screaming about a hell. He's looking over. I think you are having an episode, dear brother.

I don't think it was him. All of your curses have cleared and your senses have come back to you. You still have the objects that you chose to keep with you. The caribou left behind, the mystery of the ghosts unsolved. You look behind you and there's no archway here.

There aren't any stones. There's nothing to activate. You seem to have come through where there would be black rock, a face of rock. You were in what feels like some nether world. Well, what have we done? Do you still have that woo? Yeah, it's all good. Well, there's no place to go but forward.

This is another step on our quest to bring the heretic to paradise. You see in the sky a massive, tendrilled creature that seems to float and scream and shriek as it continues to move through the sky. It's fine. Think positively. Think positively. I can't help but feel like this is Alcatra's fault. I think I know where we are. Where? Where? Well, there are the pogs and the grown sticks.

I think we are in the 90s! You look down and you realize you're wearing jeans that flare out extremely wide at the bottom. Oh my god, these are the JNCO jeans I always wanted! You're in 90s hell. There's a shopping mall over there! Oh my gosh. Okay, but how do you like my silver eyeshadow? It's pretty nice, right? I hate brunch.

My very, very thin, highly plucked eyebrows. Hey guys, look what's this thing. I can dig and I can make an S with just only using a handful of lines. That's actually pretty cool. Look at how cool that S is. This is my entire personality now. Guys, if this is, if we truly are in...

You're so close. You are so close. You have to make three lines. I never did these. Yep. I never did it. Wow, someone was a pro at smithing. Boom! Boom. Still got it, baby. Well, all I can say is that if we are truly in 90s hell, I think there's nothing left to do but have 13 beers at the local cheese.

You feel a flash. And you can see that this rocky and insane terrain does lead up almost to a point. A singular building that's on a column of stone, like a stalagmite. And there does appear to be a cheese there. Little cheese...

and your rat-like ways that was all foreshadowing. It was prophesizing that we would end up here. This is our destiny, friends. There's no other way. Let us climb.

You start to make your way, all four of you together, and you can hear the screeching of these impossible beasts, huge maws, no eyes or anything like that, just tendrils and tail swimming through the sky. It should be impossible that they are able to levitate or suspend themselves in the air as they do, but they swim around and continue their screaming as you continue to make your way to the little...

to the little cheese, walking up closer and closer and closer. It's precarious. I need everyone to make a dexterity check as you make your way from point A to point B. - Finally. - Nice.

18, 22. I got a five, but I think that's because I found a nano baby on the floor. And so I was picking it up to see that it had pooped everywhere and I needed to make sure it was well. You spy the nano baby. Yeah. And you take the couple steps that you need to in order to get over there. What did you get, Calamari? 23. 23. You walk over.

None of you have quite noticed that Mortadella is keeping up as she reaches down to grab this nano baby and you hold it up. What were you checking for?

Oh, nothing. I just got a five on my dexterity save. But what were you checking for on the nano baby? Oh, I could see. I heard the beeping, so I automatically knew that it had shit itself and it needed to be cleaned up. Yeah. You start to take the actions to clean the baby when the floor underneath you crumbles away. Suddenly you realize you're standing over nothing but air and there are hundreds of feet below you as you begin to crumble and drop. I look down and then back up and then down and then back up.

And I plummet.

There's slab base in the air. It really is 90s hell. You hear the scream as Mortadella disappears from the bridge that you're crossing and falls hundreds of feet. You have no idea if she could possibly survive this, but she's gone. We can't. We can't go back. No! We were meant to be here. No! She wasn't strong enough. She wasn't strong enough. Mortadella!

Monadella, may she rest in peace at Fregan Beach. No!

We continue carry climbing, holy gas, Jesus. But you continue to climb. There's no time, there's no time. I need everyone to make a dexterity saving throw. Saving throw, you say? Or just a dexterity check, I should say, to watch. Saving throw? No, just 22. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm 100% certain. Natural 20 for a 23. Natural 20 for a 22. Wow. 22? Oh, you guys all are able to progress and make your way to the little cheeks.

The local chief? Yeah, you're standing there right in front of it now. Does it sound like arcade games and smell of old pizza and stale beer? It does have all of those sensations. You feel that you have come home in a weird way. This is where we were meant to be. I don't understand any of this. That traitorous lying rat actually was guiding us through our divine destiny.

She led us to Hogar Hell. Which turned out to be 90s hell. It turned out to be paradise. The woe for Mortadella turned out to be her undoing, her truth. The fear that she'd been feeling since the morning that she drank the tea was her end, her fate. But the three of you push the door open. I'm sorry. You walk forward and it goes...

This is truly heaven. Are you a Jedi? It's paradise. No, I didn't do that. Calamari? I didn't do that. You know, calamari is too many syllables. Galamad, that's why it's called Galamad. I had an idea for a nickname. I don't think I'm going to like where this is going. There is a television show I watch every Monday. Yeah? There is a great boy hero. Oh, boy.

Oh boy. And I believe that you could take his name as a nickname. It is similar. What is it? Caillou.

Oh! He's a little freaky boy. I don't like the sound of that at all. I think he is a strong boy. That sounds like a fucking nightmare. You're not doing a good job selling it. Every Monday on Nick Jr. He's a little freaky boy. He's a little freak who's kind of a piece of shit. I'm going to keep my name Calamari. Calamari is a lot better. Thank you, though, for thinking about me. He's 500 a week, man. LAUGHTER

These are the words that you share as you cross the threshold and walk into the little cheese to experience whatever it is that it has to offer.

And that is where we'll call tonight's show. It zooms out. It's been... And then it's the montage, like screenshots. It'll say, Mortadella fell to her death minutes after falling through the earth. Gobble Ghoul had a heart attack. We're playing Dime Crisis 2.

Okay. Well, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. You saved us. You saved us. 90's hell.

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avengers podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud Over Saltmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legendsofadventures. If you want to chat about the episode with the Avengers community, join us on Discord at legendsofadventures.com slash discord.

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