Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 59 | Of Mice and Mountains
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Greetings. You're listening to Legends of Avantris. My name is Morning Frost, and this is Once Upon a Witchlight. Here's what happened last time.

Torvik just feels like Torvik has changed. Hey, send either Gricko or Frost next. There's no danger. This little girl that said there's a whole bunch of cave spiders, there were no cave spiders, huh? No cave spiders? There are no cave spiders in there, but... I'm happy to send Torvik to deal with all them cave spiders. So many spiders! Oh, God. Did you get them all?

the lightning arcs against all of the lightning rods, channeling all the way down until it hits the large lightning rod at the top of Motherhorn. You see the entire structure illuminate almost as if all the lights have turned on within it for a second. It is like the straightest shot. And you notice that further up there are those really creepy goats that like to sit on like very sheer cliff faces. You see a handful of them like dotting along the mountain face.

You are riding this tornado and eventually it begins to slow and you are all dumped out in what is very clearly a grassy glade between two huge peaks. Motherhorn is closer than it had been before. What is very clearly a walking dandelion jumps out of the tree line towards you as it brandishes its rapier. A blast of wind hits all of you. You knave, what are you doing here and why are you disturbing my peace?

Well, if we're going to go to Motherhorn together, then it's fortuitous that Gleam sought to give me these. Here you are. Take one and pass one down. You'll need one of these if you're going to accomplish your goals. Oh, thank you. Take one down. Are they all the same? Oh, they're all the same. They are a private audience with bitter end herself. You are all sitting around the campsite that you now share with Omnipore.

I don't

Dan! What have you done to him? We just stole all his gold. Oh yeah. We traded it back to him. Yeah, for his tents. Oh god. Let's fight him. Let's get really serious again after that wonderful poem. Yeah. Sorry, sorry. It's not funny.

But it's true. You have already fucked up this man's life. And as you sit around the camp that you have robbed, the tents behind you that you've purchased with his own gold, unbeknownst to him, he is in high spirits as he passes these five tickets over to you.

Tickets that, upon them, show that you, with their use, could obtain an audience with Endelin. Bitter end. Should you choose to. He passes them to you. No explanation. As he begins to stand up and fidget with Polinella.

Bumblebee? Okay, you pervert. It's just a bee. It's just a bee. I'm just letting him fidget, you know? He's laughing that she's a fat bee. Well, I should go to sleep, really.

It's been a long day. I procured those from... There was a traveling puppet show that came around here, nigh on an hour prior to your arrival. And it's quite... Now that I think about it, he looks at you specifically, Torback. The puppets looked strangely similar to all of you. They were fighting in Oni and getting up to all kinds of strange adventures. And when it was all said and done, they...

The driver of-- it was this large carriage, puppet show in the middle and drawn by a horse and there was a-- there was a gentleman who was driving the whole thing. He leaned down and handed me all five of those. He did this for free?

I believe because I just standing ovation for the puppet show, but they did not provide an encore. Thank you for enjoying this performance. I believe so. I have no need of an audience with Enderlin. It is in my best interest to never have an audience with Enderlin. So I believe they are... Because she is bitter end. Are you worried she's going to give you a bitter end?

Well, I would never go anywhere near her for fear she would harm my dear sweet... Polanella. Is she after Polanella? Do we have to protect Polanella? She's after whatever she wants. Oh. She wants Polanella? She might. Well, and she's after that, uh... That other person.

Gleam! Yes, she is. She is after Gleam. Gleam! No, he just said it. She's after Gleam. There's somebody getting around. Who's Gleam? Well, I'm going to go to bed. And so he turns around and he goes to bed.

We didn't ask what this whole puppet show was about. We'll ask him in the morning. Or who was running it. From what he said, it sounds like they're impersonating us and putting on shows related to the adventures we've had here in the Feywild. We should find them and kill them. I mean, we should find them and then talk to them and make sure that they don't do that sort of thing anymore. I remember they have an oni and we'll fight in the oni. That was like two hours ago. No, it was like two days ago.

It was like yesterday, wasn't it? It was two days ago? No, well, no, we haven't been to bed yet.

We spent one night in the tree and then we came here. It's the Feyworld. Tommy Warwick. Torbett was here. He got carried away by Hurley Burley, Curly Lurley, and I know it's a tall subject, but he was horrifically tortured and experimented on for not one year. Not two years. Not three years. Certainly not four years. That would have been a lot better than five years. Five whole years. Well...

I mean, that's all legend. We don't know how long it really was. That's what it says. What the hell, Kermit? Wait, are you lying about that? I would never lie about something like that. Well, what do you normally use to tell the time? I mean, do you have a watch on?

Oh, a calendar? Torbjorn is sharp as a tag, obviously. Did they tell you, oh, it's been five whole years since we've been torturing you? Yeah, they did say that. Oh, wow. Well, you know. Are you surprised? No, I mean, I guess it's not crazy that they use that as kind of like torture tactics. Well, was that a reliable narrator that told you that? I'm just saying it's plausible deniability that...

Perhaps all actions maybe may have not led you to be tortured for five years. You think that Torbeck's actually just been here for like 30 minutes? And lied about the whole five-year thing? Stayed up late at night. Torbeck ground his fingernails to the bone, scratching etch marks in the walls for every painstaking day that passed by, Mr. Cremmy.

Well, I mean, sure that's fair, that's what you're saying, you know, and I believe you from a certain point of view, but I'm just saying. It's a time, it might be in Prismere that Hivah, Vivah, and Yon all have different time, folks, and we just gotta hope that we're not out of time with Mr. King of Hearts, or else he might be Mighty Cross.

Well, well.

I found the gold fair and square, right? I didn't steal from it. Nobody was holding it when you got it. And everybody knows Regis Keepers, right? Regis Keepers! Everybody knows! We know, we know Regis Keepers. I know Regis Keepers. Yeah, we know Regis Keepers. So stop looking at me like that, alright? I didn't steal from him, okay? But once you were aware it was his gold, it would have been the right thing to do to return it. No, Frost, possession isn't ten-tenths of fair at all. Yeah, well, he said... Probably.

I don't know if we know that for sure. Well... Who makes fairy law? I don't know if they actually have any laws here. Which is to say that it's Kremi's gold. To be fair, all I'm gonna say is when he got bested on my deal-making negotiation haggling skills, he was threatening to kidnap and, uh, like, imprison Hootsie. So I don't care too much. Yeah, that was pretty drastic. That was very drastic. What the heck was that about? It was a little grim.

It was a little, I was like, oh man, how we're negotiating here. We're real 80s guys here making a deal. As this is all happening, the sky above is filled with lightning. A light drizzle of rain begins to pour down, but then the clouds begin to swirl and change. And you hear a voice, one that you all recognize.

By my very dirty math that I don't guarantee, it would take a rogue with a light crossbow 372 shots to kill 100 apes, keeping them at 80 feet or closer. It's about 40 minutes of running and gunning. They could theoretically do it since they can dash and attack. The clouds swirl. I have spoken! The clouds swirl, lightning...

Crackles, thunder booms, and the voice dissipates. Oh, man. That's neat. Wow. What a cool fact. What's that all about? Thank you, Skyvoids. We appreciate you inputting in this hypothetical scenario. Wow. I feel like...

Do you think that's an omen? What could it mean? Did anyone... Is it more threatening that we have to worry about the rogues or we have to worry about our gorillas? Should we be preparing for gorilla wars? Does anyone have crossbows? Oh, man. I don't know if I'm going to be good at gorilla tactics. Alright. Oh.

I must prepare. Didn't you used to, like, have a couple gorilla buddies at the carnival? You know? I mean, I have a gorilla spirit. It's very different from a gorilla. It's basically the same thing, right? It's got four arms. It's got a big old bushy tail. Wait, does that mean you can throw four rocks instead of one? Oh, man. It's way more threatening than a gorilla.

A Guralan? Wait, is his name Alan? And he's just a gorilla? We are gonna fight gorilla with gorilla. Uh-uh. You think your Guralan could take a hundred gorillas? The sky opens up one more time and you hear the same voice. If the apes ever get within 50 feet though, it's curtains. Oh, that was definitely threatening! That was threatening! Are there gonna be apes?

Okay. Did you say curtains? Because it's thematically appropriate to this particular section of the adventure. The strange voices disappeared. It's remarkable. I'm gonna pretend that that was just the strange, this yawn is about strange sky facts. Um, thank you, Bruce and Proselyt. Well, it's about time we hit the old dusty trail, ain't it?

you mean later the campsite no i don't know it just means the nice winding down let's go to bed you know what i mean we have plenty of time to solve this don't we presumably that phrase with picking up and leaving the the location i'm happy to go to sleep this place is a little dusty little musty dusty it's not at all musty dusty trusty trail

Even less so as he says it the rain is pouring down around you any dust that there could be is completely moistened. What are the busties up to? Dusty Busty they called him. They never called her that. They being me. Whenever would have happened to old Krusty Dave. Krusty Dave? Yeah.

You remember Scurvy Dave? Scurvy Dave, sure. And then Curvy Dave. Well, obviously Curvy Dave. And then you remember Krusty Dave? Yeah. And then his brother. So Curvy Dave and Scurvy Dave were brothers. Right. And then there was Krusty Dave. He wasn't related. Okay. But his brother, Busty Dave...

How many days do you know? Busty Dave, I remember. What happened to Busty Dave? Busty Dave, I remember. Busty Dave. How does that work? Don't ring a bell, bud. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, Busty Dave. Oh, he knew how to have a good time. He really did. He really did. Never without a smile on his face. Just a good guy to be around. Don't you think after the third or fourth child, you'd be like, let's pick a name other than Dave. I don't know. Maybe that was like...

Their, uh, horoscope. Or Dave's last name. Oh. Oh. So their first name is Krusty or Curvy or... It's more like they were wishing upon them what they would like to manifest in life. Hmm. It worked. It sure did. I think their last name was, uh, Single. Single? Single.

Single? Single with two S's. Mm-hmm. That's what I think it is. Are you making a Kraft single joke? I was making a nice Wendy's Day single joke. Uh-oh. Well, I suppose it's time that we hit the old slumberland. Bryce going to sleep. Good night, everyone.

Good night everybody. Well, good night. Guys, are those truly ancient deep crows still around? No, I didn't see one. You're the only one that ever saw any of the truly ancient deep crows. I think they might still be around. Well, I'm gonna go into my waterbed tent house. That sounds nice. Why don't you envision something nicer for yourself?

Yeah, have a little bit of self-confidence, Torbjorn! What does this have to do with Torbjorn? He can't, we didn't even buy his! Oh, that's right. Oh, right, right, right, right. Torbjorn just gets to enjoy his tent for one night and then back in the dirty goes! Picture the interior of a palace. Why? Why? What's-- Marvel statues! As far as the eye can see.

Okay. Fine. Torbjorn will. Good. It's still just a dumpster. I'm just gonna imagine the waterbed from the Neptune Inn from the Goofy movie.

I can picture that perfectly. Also the cheesy pizza. It looks fantastic. The waterbed is exactly what you wanted. And as you climb onto it, you feel yourself move from one side to the next. Hootsie climbs on her claws, popping into the waterbed. Water begins to spill everywhere, but the two of you sleep comfortably on the floor. I'm gonna go cook a four-course meal and go to bed. Good night, fellas.

And I go prepare an elaborate meal on the 10 range stove and oven combo that I have. Oh yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, it's delicious. After that disgusting cold raw quinoa soup. No way Crammy's going to bed after that.

I walk into a very minimal space. It is quite bare, but it allows me to sit down in the middle and before I crawl into my own bed to meditate, to put some incense on, to finally get some space that I feel like is my own for the first time in I can't remember how long, well before we even got to the Feywild, certainly.

and all the while ignoring the comments coming from the bathroom. Jesus. Why do you tease? I'm so sad. You are my connection to the world. I'm so hungry.

So, please, why are you here? I can't imagine you away. It was you whom conjured me. No, no, that's not true. You were here when I was in. I'm specifically thinking of not you when I go into this tent. I'm going to equip you with a sentient toilet. Great. That is, you're unable to unattune from it. It is an eternal attunement. It's cursed attunement. Great.

Torbek, you climb into your tent. It is the ugliest of all of the tents. You make your way in. It's almost too small for you. It smells horrible. There's fur stuck to the walls. Piles of trash. There's this scent that almost smells good, but as you breathe it in more, there's a pungency to it that you just really don't like. Oh, yeah.

And then you notice that there's another flap at the back of the tent. The heck? I didn't notice that. It's got a lead, I guess, outside, but there's warm air coming from it. I will, with one long finger, just kind of like peel back this extra flap. You peel it back and spilling out before you is a long marble hallway.

There are marble statues of Torbek, of you, lining this hallway. You're incredibly muscular. You have 16-pack abs. You are, think of the most perfect Grecian statues you could ever imagine. And they're just lining this hallway.

incredibly warm. There are braziers lit with incense and off towards the back you see what looks to be this gorgeous nighttime oasis and a large decorated bed. There is a table piled with fruit. It is Dionysus' dream. I'll like stick my head in and look around and wonder. This...

This is definitely a trap. I'll peel, and I'll go back to the dump and curl up in the dirty trash water and be like, "Mm, not today, Feywild, not today!" And all of you fall asleep, and you get a long rest. Oh, yes. Torbek, you wake up, and the first thing you do is go to look to see if that place is still there, but where that flap had been, there is no flap.

Torbek knew it. And Torbek will just kind of stumble out of the tent, out into the hopefully morning sun and see what else is going on. Alduin, everyone. As you are. You make your way out of your tents and Omdurpor is already out there. He is tending to the fire. He's got breakfast that he's working on. He has these giant eggs. They're the size of Torbek's head.

All in varying colors, almost neon colors. They're so bright and decorated. As he's cracking them open and making omelets, and you can see that he's created a makeshift oven, and he's making what looks to be a sort of quiche, and there are all sorts of eggshells

egg-based recipes that he seems to be making here. He doesn't notice as you approach as he's humming to himself and casually speaking to Polanella. But eventually, as you make your way around the fire, he notices you. Oh, good morning! How did you sleep? Did you enjoy your tents?

It was magical, thank you. You were great. So happy to hear it, old boy, so happy to hear it. It was magical for me, too. I zip up my tanner. Well, did you hear that? Is there someone else with you? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not sure what that was. Torbjorn can't complain. It was very nice. Very reminiscent of a long gone time. How many leftovers? Oh!

"You got hot breakfast there for us?" "Yes, I've been making eggs." "You are so nice!" "Well, I was hoping, I don't want to be too much of a pest, but I would really appreciate your help in trying to find gleam. Afraid to do it on my own and as I mentioned yesterday, if your journey leads you to Motherhorn then it would make sense that we travel together at least for a time." "Yeah."

And I do have something to offer. Oh? As I mentioned, I can freely travel between all of Hither, Thither and Yorn. Even into the Palace of Heart's Desire. So once you're done... Oh, you can go straight into it? Oh, yes, of course. Oh, man! It's just how I was created. Oh, you can do it. Just like naturally, organically. Well, I was created

I did bloom within the gardens of the palace, so it makes sense I got that. Oh. Whoa. Oh, guys. Guys. All right. Quick sidebar. Quick. All right. Oh yeah, hold on. I'll just not listen. Just go back to the end. Toolbag has a lot of embarrassing secrets. Yeah. It happens all the time. We're talking about a medical condition. You don't want to hear about this. Yeah, yeah. I have a medicine kit.

No, it won't help. No, it won't help. Yeah, you need special medicine. I mean, look at all the crap on there. Look at all the shit. It's great. It's been confounding doctors for decades. Yeah. Anyway, don't... Full-body dingleberries. Yeah. Yeah. No, that sounds horrible. Guys. Yeah.

One of the chances that we just consume his heart and then one of us can also do that. Very unlikely. I don't know. Do you have that power? Torbac doesn't. Giddy hearts and then teleport? I don't think.

I've never tried. I know I've never tried. Wait, wait, wait. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Guys, we cannot eat his heart.

Because he's a dandelion! You are yelling so I can hear you. He doesn't have a heart! We're yelling very quietly. Oh, uh, uh, uh, erupted, you say? He doesn't have a heart! Unless... No, no, that wouldn't work. But if you've got enough rogues with crossbows... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, we need this guy. If he can get us around, we don't have to fucking walk all over the damn fucking province. All right, all right. Then just act natural and follow Torbeck's lead. And as I stand up and say, and then Torbeck woke up and there was pus everywhere. Oh, sorry, sorry. That's it, we're done. Every moment. Is your heart okay? I heard you screaming about hearts. No, no, no. Torbeck's heart is like four times the size it should be.

Yeah. All that stuff is a pacemaker. Well, that must be why you're so kind. Well, thank you for saying that about Torback. That's kind of you as well. Uh, oh, from a certain point of view, there's a heart of palm. Oh, looks like eggs.

Andapur, we would be delighted to help you. Oh, that would be-- Andapur. -- an absolute dream to have companionship on this jam. We'll help you with breakfast, for sure. No, we're gonna flongglead. Yeah, well, if we do that, can you, you know, on our way to the palace, maybe we could swing by the old unicorn pan, you know what I mean? You know where that is? Oh, I know the rough direction that it's in, yes. Yeah, so, you know, maybe on the way to the Motherhorn or--

Yes, well first we're going to have... My concern is this: I've been doing a lot of thinking about this overnight and if I know anything about Gleam, she is more than likely looking for her shadow. As I mentioned, it was cut from her by Bit-End. There had been rumors of a band of goblin shadows traipsing around the tunnels of the Brignogs in Brignog Mine.

Whoa! Goblin shadows. That does seem like the sort of place that Gleam would go to try to find hers. Shadows like to stick together. In your own... Can Torbjörn ask a question? Of course, Torbjörn.

What happens if one's shadow is to be severed from their body? Doesn't sound like it's that bad. It's horrible. It's horrible? It's incredibly painful. You lose an entire part of yourself. You don't realize how much is contained in your shadow until it's gone. Yeah, yeah. At least that's what Deem has told me. But then on top of that, there is just the societal pressure. Shadows do not have a...

The best reputation here in Yon, well, shadowless don't, they tend to be quite unkind and so most folk don't trifle with them.

Or if they do... Shadows tend to be unkind? Yes. It is to nefarious ends for the shadows. I did hear that it was... The rumor is that it was a shadow what killed Courtney Penrose. The Castellan of Storm's End? No! The tedium of a sage? Whoa! Wait, that's a horror. The shadow killed somebody? Killed Courtney Penrose? Wow, that seems very unlikely.

I'll put some nasty things about shadows. There are tales of shadows killing many a folk in Yon. Wow. So we go to this cave with this mine. Well, yes and no. We do need to go to Briggenoch Mine, but... Well, we need to go there for two reasons. I believe Vleem is there looking for a shadow, and I also know that there is an entrance to Motherhorn through those caverns. Oh.

Wait, so you're saying that these dwarf fellas

They don't like people that have been to the mine? Well, it's not necessarily that they've been to the mine. It's more so that they are-- that they have... gallivanted about with the Briganox. You see the Khorids and Briganox, they are bitter enemies. Bitter rivals. What if we like kill a bunch of them and bring them like heads on spikes, you know? That's what-- We'll have a very hard time maneuvering the mines without the Briganox. Oh, we want Briganox to...

I'm sorry. I'm taking notes, I'm taking notes. Well, wait a second, so are the Brigannots gonna hate us 'cause we worked with the Kordids? It is something we're going to have to deal with, but my hope is that if Gleam is there befriending the Brigannots, and we are friends of Gleam, that we'll be able to parlay with them and we'll have an upper hand. This is so complicated! Can't we just go to the unicorn?

I mean we could. Okay. But we'll still need to go to see the Khorids. Okay. And then to the Brickanox. And then into Motherhorn. Mr. Dandelion. Omdurpor. Omdurpor. The Dandelion would have so much courage. We really want to help. I'm going to level with you. You've already mentioned like six side quests. Okay.

We will try our best, but our track record is not very good. So we're gonna do our best, right fellas? Right lads? We're gonna, I mean there's a whole Wikipedia page about it, like let me tell you, it's just... We'll give it the exact same effort we usually do. We're gonna find Gleam! First, and we're gonna meet with the Korids, and then we're gonna meet with the Brigannots. We're gonna meet with the Korids first, and then we're gonna find Gleam. We can't meet with Gleam until after we've met the Brigannots.

No, we gotta meet the Kordes, and then-- No, the Brigonauts will hate us. Maybe the Kordes will hate us too. We have to meet with the Kordes first, and then we're gonna go meet with the Brigonauts, and then we're going to find Gleam. But when do we do the unicorn? Well, we have to decide if we're gonna do that before we meet with the Kordes or not. What? Well, Kricko, what are you doing, man? What's with all the ass? Unicorn is like tomorrow's problem.

We've got fish. We've got bigger call fish we got. I've accepted that, and here's the thing. I mean, this is the main thing we need, right? Yeah. We just got to get to Motherhorn. But to get to Motherhorn, we need to go and talk to the Korids. To let us get through the mine. No, no, no. The Korids, we just have to ask them politely to go into the mine. We need to get their permission. The Korids have set up sort of a

A trap outside of the mine. Torbjorn's gonna be sick! We can't get into the mine without the Khorids. Yes. You see, the Khorids, they are... They're able to shape stone, as it were. So they could block our path. Yes, quite.

And if they believe that you are working with Bitter End to bolster the Briganox, and they believe that these five hearty adventurers, six, seven, if you count myself and Paul and Ellen and I do, then they could very easily block our path. Now, Gleam is a shadowless, so no one was going to stop her. You'd have to come into contact with her. She's also quite stealthy.

Oh, wow. I'm so glad we didn't eat your heart. LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no, it was never even a thing. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's of course medical euphemism. We cannot go to the Palace of Heart's Desire on account of the Jabberwock. We're already cute as once. Oh, yeah. And so it's probably going to try to get a second course. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Gotta build that special weapon or something against it. This is a variable Gordian nod of a problem. What in the fucking hell did he just say? It kind of reminds me of the Miranese nod. Oh, now, no one's heard of that, huh? Oh, yes. What's that, Grievous? That's why Barrison became a POV. Let's move on.

Let's move on. We move on. So we say, I'll go to Enderpour, and I'll say, I've packed up my waterbed. I've packed up me tent. I'm ready to go. I've had a lovely plate of eggs. And I feel like we're ready to go find the courage. That's next. Right. On the plateau. On the plateau. On the plateau.

Before the mark! I am King Chulainn. Yes, we're going all the way up there and then all the way down there on the opposite end. We've got quite the travel ahead of us. You're wearing your walking shoes. Always. Well, yeah. I only have the one. If you were a cat, why would you wear shoes? Why wouldn't I?

Well, that's a ridiculous question. Doesn't it hurt your little toe beans? I'm not a cat, I'm a tabaxi. Jammed inside of those shoes? I know that we make a lot of memes about it, but... Wait! It's not uncivilized to not wear shoes. You don't seem like the type to wear Nikes. Not sure how I got these on. I'm gonna pack up my tent. Um, I don't wear shoes. It's not so bad. Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess, yeah. It's not so bad. Don't make us one and a half shoes.

That's true. He gets by okay. I avoid blisters, all I'm gonna say. You keep your toes in, they all get scrunched up. Yeah, but like, look at him. Well, it's canon that I don't wear shoes, just like it's canon like I don't have a tail. I don't know if you notice about me, Andapour. Well, I'm looking at you right now.

Why would you have a tail? I don't have a tail. Why would you say that I have a tail? I don't have a tail. I don't have a tail. Would anybody ever say that to you? Goblins normally have tails. No, goblins don't have tails. Goblins don't have tails, man. I've seen a tail my whole life. That would be like putting a tail on a tiefling.

I'm just saying. Hmm. Well, they might have, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know about you. Demons definitely have tails. Yeah, they do. Oh, they do. Oh, if you want to brawl on them. What about dragonborn? Oh, that's what I was thinking of. It was a dragonborn. No, they don't have tails. No, they don't. Oh, yeah, I have a tail. None of the ones I've met. What's it with human tails? What? Oh, no, that's something I'm finding from school earlier. Ha, ha, ha.

I think I had a weird dream. I think I had a nightmare. I'm going to swallow one of these eggs whole and then we can go ahead and pack up the camp and make our way up to, um, Lockberry Henge. All right, well, we'll just get packing. Wait. What do you mean, wait? Or not, I guess. I had a... I...

I woke up in the middle of the night last night. I shot Gucci out of bed and I said, "We gotta go, they're coming, they're coming!" "They're coming!" "Wait, what? Oh my god, who? What, the gorillas?" "I think they were a bunch of gorillas." "With tails!" We have to tell you about the Xandapor. After you went to sleep, the sky opened us and threatened us with a hundred gorillas. Oh no, the gorillas are back.

Oh, the gorillas have been here before? Well, there's a reason this clearing exists. About a hundred gorillas marched through here yesterday. They were all caught up in this strange magenta pink tornado that whisked them away. Oh, we was in a tornado too. That's how we got here. Yeah. Could a tornado take us up there or do we gotta climb?

Well, a tornado could if you have access to control tornado. That's a thing. What about call tornado Rex? Is that a spell? I'm not sure. Should I invent it? I'm not a magic user. You're not. No? Yeah. I'd like to invent the spell summon tornado Rex. Okay, can you roll a...

I think it's a d100 if he rolls a one, Zeach rips out and grabs the d20. Technically, well, a hundred. Oh, yeah, a hundred. I got a 19. Okay. Because we're doing Zeach. I got a 33, which is a critical fail. Yeah, that would be a critical fail. Oh, no, success probably. It depends on what my skill is. If it's in, it's definitely a critical fail.

I didn't need the D100. With a 19, you think about everything the Baron has ever taught you. And you realize that even if...

Even if you are the most powerful magic user in the universe, this is one spell you could never attain. Oh. No, this is out of my realm of expertise, fellas. I don't think I can summon Tornado Rex again. Well, you know, we're proud of you for trying. It's all right, buddy. Yeah. Let's walk. Again. We got this far. One day we'll find the Wolf Whistle and make it to World 8.

You know, I feel like Gricko thinks it's easy having a tail. You know what I mean? I don't really know what's going on with him. I think something's happening. I think he's having mental difficulties. Is he having like an episode of...

I mean, I guess to be fair, just yesterday I bashed all the teeth out of his back. Surprisingly, many of them have grown back. That's remarkable. It's unbelievable. Yeah. What is this thing about the tail, man? He doesn't even know. You know, he just takes it for granted that he doesn't have a tail. And you know, I mean, Frost knows. Sometimes you sit on it. You gotta think about it. You've been all of a sudden aware that you have like

A tongue? Or like that you have to breathe? Now you're aware of it. Now you're thinking about it, right? Yeah, I wasn't until you said that. And then suddenly my tongue sat heavy in my mouth. And I was like, oh, shit. It's a living fucking hell sometimes. I like my tail. I mean, I have a fine tail. It's fine. My point is that, you know, exactly like he has a fucking tail. How do we not bite our teeth when we chew? The tongue knows what to do.

- It knows, right? - It's dodging and weaving. - We proceed to the bluff or whatever. - The plateaus. - The plateaus. - On to four. Leads you out of the valley that you'd been sleeping in now that the camp has been packed up and he's able to throw most things into a very small satchel, which also seems to be much larger on the inside.

I give him my tent. He piles everything in. He takes the tent from you, packs it up, and begins to lead you up the mountain towards... And you can see the plateau way up towards the top. And you wonder how you're possibly going to get up there. The cliffside seems so... The incline is incredible. And they just seem too steep. But...

Ondivore knows what he's doing and he's able to lead you up these winding paths, showing you exactly which handholds to climb as you begin to scale and make your way up, eventually spilling out about a quarter of the way up this cliffside. And you find yourself on a more flat, rocky outcropping where you have more room to move.

You travel for a bit more time before eventually you come to a pathway blocked by three goats. Three mountain goats stare at you. They're bleeding strangely at all of you. You look into their eyes, bleeding. Bleeding? Bleeding. Bleeding? Bleeding strangely at all of you. They are very firmly blocking your path. And the first thing that you notice is their eyes.

All three of them have the symbol of the hourglass instead of pupils. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hello? It's kind of weird right after getting the whole ominous omen. Hello? The goats don't seem to register Omnipore. They are looking between all five of you.

I mean, maybe we just walk past them. I mean, they're just goats. Yeah, there's a couple of goats. I mean, it's weird that they have the whole, like, you know, weird hourglass pupils. But don't goats have weird pupils anyway? Like, maybe this is a weird coincidence. Tore's getting a bad vibe. There's no way this is a coincidence. We have to be very cautious. Maybe we just try. Frost, you go first. Can anybody speak goat? No, let me check. No. Grickle, that's a you kind of thing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, everyone asks the animal guy. That's your whole fucking thing! Yeah! That's why I hired you! You're the animal guy! Fine! Jeez, act like it's an inconvenience or something. Act like it didn't have a special animal plan. Jeez. Fine, I'll just play the tune from Dr. Dolittle. I do this.

I then say, "Fine." And I'll kind of lean forward. And I turn into a little blue glowing goat. I cast Beat with Animals, and I transform into a mountain goat. Or a regular goat. I only turn into a mountain goat. You turn into a goat in front of them. They continue to stare at you. Um, uh, hello, fellow goats. How do you do on this fine morning for clip-clopping through the mountain passes and chewing on cud or something?

They look between you, or they look at you, and then they look between each other. One of them steps forward and opens its mouth. Moon obstructs the sun. Creeping Lin will come undone. And then she bows in front of you and steps to the side. Did anyone else hear that? Did I hear that in goat or common? The rest of you hear, and that's my best goat, okay? That was very good. Thank you. Guys, I'm freaking out. This goat just said,

I'm gonna try to repeat back what he said the best way I can. Gregor, we can't speak to him. You hear-- he sounds horrified. He sounds like he's goat screaming. Gosh! It's 20/20 Fool Rules, I can talk to you right now. Oh, yeah! I can, I'm talking-- Gosh! I was like, gosh. Gosh.

It's Beast Boy. I was trying to test these goats on account of goats not being ruminants, and I got a crazy fucking prophecy. Another one? Oh, God, that's twice. Another one. All right. First gorilla. Hello. Thank you for that very lovely poetry. Does anyone else have anything to say? The second one steps forward. Oh, it's going to curse me. It's going to give me a riddle. Oh, no. Lay to her passions. Stay on script.

A cat, a horn, or a shadow ripped? Okay. Uh, a shadow, uh, a shadow ripped? Say, do you take that down, Frosty? In your big brain? I can't understand what they're saying. You have to repeat as they're saying it. I'm repeating it! I'm repeating it! Well, all I've gotten is what? Ripped? Shadow? What? A cat, a horn, a shadow ripped. Something about the sun being blocked, right? Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely poetry.

Um, we haven't heard from somebody. The third one steps forward. This one's clearly older than the rest on its shaky legs. It actually dies before it's not upstairs. Oh no! But it is significantly older. She's the main one! No! There he goes. It is the medical man.

He's just rolling down the cliff now. I get ready. As it moves forward, it opens its mouth and it says: The Fool's Scepter is the key. The Fool's Scepter's key?

And then all three of them. Oh, that's it? Almost surround you. And you see as they move together, the one in the middle begins to raise its leg. And attached to it is a small receptacle that seems to be filled with trinkets and it begins to shake it. Are you offering me some trinkets?

Some sort of goodie? Are those treats? Hold up, hold up. Hold up, Tobacco. This is nice!

This is goat talk, Tolbeck. Don't butt in here. Don't butt in here. I'm going to butt my head on you, okay? They're asking for treats. Would you like treats? No, they want a trinket. It's like when you go to the dentist. There's that little chest. Suddenly he speaks goat. It's like strapped to it. How far away are you standing from the goats? You're

You're all very close. You can see this happening. You could approach them. Yeah, yes. Goat tallback, tallback, tallback. I'm a goat tallback. I'm a tallback. Greg, why? I'm a cross-eyed tallback. Why? Tallback. Greg, oh. This is Goat Tom. Forgive my friend. He's never met a friendly goat before. He doesn't know how to get around goats. He's got to get his goat. Are you offering or asking?

They continue, continues to shake the receptacle. Okay. First of all, before I reach my goat snout in there, first, I would not like if the taste of butter nor a pretty dress. Ha ha ha!

So don't make me sign no book. And second of all, I do not seek greatness. So please do not curse my entire line to drown the world of Black Bottom. So just getting that out of there. We good? I lean towards, like, my lips peel back and I get the go to. Mike Grigio's doing it! I'm doing something here! Mr. Krammy! We're doing something here! He's the go. I'm gonna...

like, feedback it. I'm gonna kind of rustle around, do my, like, I'm gonna, like, use my lips to kind of, like, I don't think they're offering the trinkets. I think that, I think that Gregor's about to steal from these prophetic goats. They're shaking, like, that tin bucket around as if it's like, hey,

I'm gonna try to just-- I mean, they're talking to him. They would've said, "Hey, pay us something." I'm gonna try to feel, get a sense of what's in this bag if I can, if I may. It seems some, they're, I mean, it's a small receptacle. You can easily see into it. It's trinkets and things. I just slipped my lips off. Oh! I'm gonna go hurry up! I'm gonna pick up one and show it off, see what I get. Roll a d100.

Oh, these are two percentile. 43. You get a tiny wooden silk figurehead from a model ship. Whoa. Oh, that's pretty cool. Whoa, I got a silk figurehead! The elemental, the alchemical being of air!

What? Now we wait to see if the goats kill him. I have the elemental aspect of air at my fingertips. I can create... We just need three more to create a philosopher's stone. Well, ask him if there's one for each of us, or if it's just like a goat thing. Yeah, is it Torbix turn yet? We only need three. It's a counter-arch to a salamander, an undine, and a gnome. What the...

A gnome? Well, all of you guys... I've known plenty of gnomes. All of you guys fell asleep during your alchemy and alkahestry classes at Goblet College. Is this a Golden Sun reference or something else? Well, I was... I mean, I studied the works of Theopharsis... Theopharsis von Bassus von Hohenheim. I don't know who you've been reading. Golden Sun. Pervert.

I will pull it out. I'm going to add to my thing the self figurehead, the self statue. And I'm going to look at them and say, may my friends take one too? Is it for all of us or just me? It continues to shake its tin. Omdapor steps up. He looks a little...

nervous, and he reaches into his pack and he pulls out a tiny unfinished dollhouse size, a dollhouse size for Pixie, and drops it into the bucket. They continue to shake it. Oh! Oh, we got a drop shoot in there. We got a drop shoot in there. I don't have that much stuff. Someone put something in there for me. I don't got... I gotta stand up like Black Phillip, and I'm like, I don't got no pockets.

- Oh, I got the bullets! - All right. - Hold on, they didn't do this to you. - Cut that out, man. - They didn't hurt you when you took it, right? I mean, friendly goose, you still seem pretty friendly, right? Even though he took something.

They're still continuing to shake the little bucket. You know, Torbett, go on and try. Just take one. Yeah, I mean, what could go wrong? Nothing. Nothing ever goes wrong for Torbett. And I reach my hand and I take something out. I rolled you 120 points. You could be terribly cursed. All right, that's my tens digit. 59.

59. You get a wooden mouse figurine that squeaks when it's held and also spouts off a bunch of conspiracy theories. Oh, cool!

I don't know if you knew this, but there's a brain-eating monster to the South Pole. And it's the day stream. And actually, they want you to collect gold on your adventures because that's how the elites listen to us. They're like, who the gold are listening to? No!

What's the sound pole? Uh, no, the sound pole? Uh-huh. Well, that's the thing is that the elites don't want you to know there's going to be an extinction event where the polarity of a venture shifts. Really? And all the elites are going to go to their secret underground city. Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I close my hand around the mouth. And I look at everyone and I say,

Oh, you guys really messed up, 'cause Torbjorn got the coolest thing ever! I'm with him, D'Poor. I'm going to put something into the bucket. I'll reach into my pack and I will pull out-- All right, I'll stay out of here. I'll pull out a trinket that I have, a kaltrap made of bone that I got at some point in this adventure, and I will drop it into the bucket. Okay.

Or "caltrop," depending on how you like to pronounce that. They continue to shake the little receptacle. Thank you, goats. I will remember your words as they were repeated to us by Gricko, which I'm sure was extremely reliable. Fellow goats, I have not a trinket for you. On account of being a goat with no pockets, all of my stuff got kind of like, slooped into this goat body.

But I have a poem to exchange you for this lovely... Would you take a poem instead of a drink it? Friendly goat. They are not looking at you. They're looking between Kremi and Gideon. Oh. Well... Kremi, what do you think, man? These goats are kinda freaking me out. Yeah, I don't know. Are we giving them stuff or taking stuff? I'm worried. I'm worried about the goats, man. I got nothing with you. I mean, here's the thing. There's a whole lot of folklore around goats that I really don't want to fucking mess with, especially where I'm from. So you think just give them something?

Yeah, man, I have one hand axe.

That's all you have? That's never seen use. Well, I have a few things. I could hook you up. I have the unicorn on. No, no, no. I'm not going to do that. I have... Oh, like junk stuff? Well, I have a tasseled wine charm shaped like a sprite. I have a sycamore seed. I have a piece of parchment with a drawing of an onion on it. I have the mask from Curse of the Cowardly Dog. I have an awl. I have a...

frost fingernails. I have a floating rock. I have a fate-free dragon anticon. I have an empty syringe. I have a disguise self face point. Probably a face paint. I got the spider toy from the carnival. I could toss that in. Doesn't that do something? It gives you a spider climb. It's a magic item. That's a wonderful item. Don't you want to walk on walls and the ceiling? Gricko threw all those spiders at me. Give him this. I hand you a

100-sided die the size of a plum cut from coal. Well, here you go, spooky goats. There's just a plum-sized 100-sided die. You put that in and continue to shake their little... Alright, but I'm done, goats. I'm done. They're no longer looking at you. All three of them are staring at Crummy. Y'all big wine drinkers? You know, any members of any kind? Yes. Kind of wine club, you know? They wouldn't go famous.

you know, if you subscribe. I'm not drinking any goddamn Merlot. You sound like Jason Funderburger. A little bit. Are you afraid of curses? I will take a tasseled wine charm shaped like a sprite and I'll put it in the receptacle. Wine charm? Why does it say Bunko Buddies? The moment that you place the wine charm into the receptacle, they...

They put down the receptacle. They're no longer shaking it at you. To you, Cremi, Gideon, Frost, and Omnipore, they all kneel down as if in appreciation. To you, Torbek and Gricko, they turn to you. They look at you, stare deep within you, and you feel not one, but three curses overcome you. One from each of the ghosts.

I need you each to draw three tarot cards. Let me get ready for this. Hold on. Jesus Christ. Curses. I'm sure this is going to be fun. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see greatness and so I shall have it. I seem to change the world and so I will do it. Kremi, Gideon, Frost, and Omnipore, you each get a potion of advantage. You feel your sack get a little heavy. What?

Your satchel, I should say. No different from before. I built the first one. As you realize that something has been deposited for you. There is a small vial with beautiful silver liquid in it, and it feels powerful.

I don't-- Oh, it's a Wild Beyond the Witchlight potion! It is. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, goodness gracious, what have I done? I take it back. The smell of your choice statue after a golden mist. Well, I'm doing a beautiful silver. It's like the Unicorn Blood in Harry Potter. Ooh! Oh, that's pretty good. I love Unicorn Blood. Delicious. Queen of Coins, upright. Okay.

Should we go back and forth? Oh yeah. Or draw all three? Yeah, but let's do all three. Let's find out exactly how Gricco, they look towards Gricco as he was the first one to take something from their receptacle. You said it was Queen of Swords? So Queen of Coins. All of them are upright. Okay.

- I'm going to do one at a time for me. - I don't know, Krim, they look kinda happy with him. Look at how they're looking at him. - Oh yeah. - You look around at everyone. All three of the goats begin to smile at you, their mouths lined with humanoid teeth. As you look towards Torbek, the teeth that he used to have in his mouth are also humanoid. A bird flies by past you and as it opens up its beak to caw, you see rows of humanoid teeth.

Every creature that you see appears to have their mouth full of humanoid teeth. Should I not put those back in before I draw? Yeah, because we don't want duplicates. What was your second one? No. What was your next one? Five of Cups. Five of Cups. And it was all of your swap, right? Yep, all of my swap, yep.

You are horrified by this as you realize that that is not the scariest thing that you see. The scariest thing, or that's not the scariest thing that is happening in this moment. Everyone here, except for you, is dead. But it's horrifying because they don't even realize they're dead. You're the only one that knows.

Oh my gosh! What next? Strength upright. Strength upright. You can pre-order now at thecrookedmoon.com and right now there's a little bitch who's writing an angry comment. What is this emergent breaking garbage? Oh, what is this cringe? It's good that you realize that they're all dead because you were the ferryman of the dead.

and all souls must be judged by you. The only way that they can accept their death is if you judge them. So you must do that and ferry their souls to the other side. As a gut. I don't know, why is it moving? Everyone around me has pristine, perfectly white, perfectly straight teeth. They clearly all have dentists in downtown LA. And they're dead inside.

I've arrived in Los Angeles. Oh, Shane. I must ferry them. Torbjorn. Yeah, the first one is the world upright. World, you don't say.

You are listening to what Gurko is saying, but it is difficult to truly focus on his words when all you can think about is how hungry you are. Hungry! He mentions their beautiful teeth, and you realize that all of their teeth are the barrier of society.

to what lies deeper, their brains. And you want brains. Brains would be delicious. You have a mounting desire to consume brains. You better believe I do. The hanged man upside down. Oh, okay, okay, okay. This should be good. A creepy mask appears on your face and nothing you can do will remove it.

It is blocking your mouth from consuming grapes. No! Oh no. And then I got Temperance upside down. Wow, you got all major arcana. Almost major, all my major arcana. One of them jumped out, so I stuck, I grabbed it. It was the world. You can only move by crawling around on all fours. And the crawling is always creepy and unsettling.

I wish I could like physically like RP this and like really just like creep all you guys out. I'm stuck in my chair. As you begin to talk to me, you would see that like the look on my face only for a moment changes as this like horrifically creepy mask. What does the mask look like, Andy? I'm

almost picturing something like extremely simplistic in nature. It's not like an over-the-top spooky mask. It's very plain, almost like

like, no face style. You know what I mean? Like, a creepy, like, Coe the Face Stealer. Yeah. Like, very simplistic mask. And Gricko would only look into my eyes for a moment. Like a white bone almost. Yeah, it's like bone white color, right? You would look into my eyes for a moment and see the hunger before this mask overtakes. And as you're, like, talking to me, my body begins to kind of contort. And, like, you're...

I don't know if you're used to it, but you would absolutely see the way that Torbek moves and the way that his flesh undulates is not normal. But for some reason, I'm not standing upright anymore, and I'm down on all fours as I begin to get closer to you and say, What did you say, Yuriko? And I'm trying to get really close to you. You can see that I'm trying to get close to your ear, but I can't quite make contact with your hole. You can see me here with my tongue against the inside of the mask.

What's that Gringo? What did you say? Uh, bah, Torbek. Yes? I don't know how to tell you this Torbek. You're dead. Are you sure? But you have very nice teeth. Oh, thank you. All of you, I have seen the truth. I have been given a duty to ferry all of your souls. You don't know that you're dead.

I am a combination of Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense and Davy Jones in Parks the Caribbean. Dead Man's Castle. A lot of stuff has happened. And Black Fila from The Witch. I'm a film trifecta.

And, Ani, you must all follow me to the Avashad. Has Grueko always had a pump-action shotgun? And an excellent knowledge for men? I take my gloves off, and I have little hands. The three goats take this opportunity to begin scaling the sheer cliff face, all the while keeping their eyes on you. It's almost owl-like, the way their heads turn back around, and they watch you as they scale up. Goodbye!

See you later, guys. Thanks for the clarity! What's the weather like? It's storming. It's a little overcast. Yeah, it's overcast. It looks like the clouds are at most an hour from bursting. They're heavy with rain.

Oh, you think they're cursed? They're definitely cursed. I mean... Oh my god! It's hard to tell when it's these two sometimes. They could just be doing it. It's like that really OP enemy, Melvin, man. Oh god. He's like Waldo from Streets of Moth's Oak Island. Oh no! They got so creepy and unsettling when he moves. They should have given trinkets.

Perhaps I can catch up with the goats and pay them for removing the curses. Do you think that's too late? I mean, they're running up that cliff and looking back at us like creepy as hell. Do you have a climb speed? If you have a climb speed, fucking go for it. I have a climb speed. Everyone follow me. I do have a climb speed. Everyone listen to me. I will guide you to the other side of that cliff. Follow me. No, I'm

No, I don't think I have. I don't have a grandma's beard. Black Phillip, Black Phillip, a crown goes out his head. Come back. Come back. Black Phillip, Black Phillip, to Nanny Queen is wed. Jump to the fence post running in the stall. Black Phillip, Black Phillip, King of all.

Come back! He's creeping me out! They're both creeping me out! Please! Follow me to the other side! I'll give you a trinket! You don't realize you're dead! Frost, are you paying attention to Griggo? I hear what Griggo's saying, but my eyes are focused on the receding goats and trying to get their attention so that I might be able to get them trinkets. Roll a persuasion check.

Oh, that's where I'm a viking. I'm leading them to the top of this mesa where their afterlife awaits. I would like to try to sneak up on Frost. I'm not glad of that. You see them turn around. You see them turn around for a moment and they begin to bleat.

and the sound is almost like they're laughing. I hold up two trinkets. Blaze! Blaze, you can't leave them like this. We need them for our adventure. We're here to do good in this world. They jump further up the rock. I look at my valuable piano key and my small sharp iron scissors and I sigh. Well, hopefully this will fade in them one day.

And presumably Torbjörn is sneaking up on him. He's taking his eyes off. I would say you can roll an advantage because of how sneaky he is. I'm going to die on a natural 20 for 30. Oh! Yeah, now that's it. Can you notice?

I'm just going to look at you, my... Oh, my goodness! What are you doing? Are you using your brain? Yes. Yes, I always use my brain. It's very big. Are you sure? Yes. Please stop making this sound in my ear. I don't care for it. Okay. I'm very pleased that you don't have a mouth right now. Okay. You just say, no, I'm using it.

Torbek, what's gotten into you? Torbek will try again later. If you change your mind and you're not using your brain, please let Torbek know. Torbek, have you acquired a craving for brains?

NoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's hard to read his expressions when he has a mask like this. You don't know. Yeah, he's unreadable. My head begins to like twist.

He's got his fucking mask on! It's hard to read his expressions for sure, but he sure is saying brains a lot. In a voice that makes you think he's great. Brains? Did someone say brains? We can't know for sure until perhaps we put some real brains in front of him, and then we'll know. All I'm saying, Torbeck, is there are six people here. Well, yeah. There are seven here.

Look, if they climb up the rest of the way, Armadeport, could you just lead us up in the path for, like, normal folk? Well, yes, we won't follow them. They're headed... Good luck, fellas! All right. Well, we'll follow you. Yes, we'll continue along our way, and hopefully we'll reach Loughberry Henge by...

Rainfall. Emdborn, did you know that our friends would be terribly cursed by not putting trinkets in the bucket? No, I didn't. There is the rule of reciprocity, and they provided us with prophecies. Oh, yeah. Wait a second, so you did know? No, I just did the kind thing to do when they've provided us with insight into the future. Well, you're not talking about kindness, you're talking about laws! And they got...

I'm pretty lucky that we have a guy that speaks goat. What if we didn't have a goat-speaking guy? They can speak common. Oh. That's too bad, because all I got was moon, destruct sun, creeping limb, come undone, passion stay unscripted. Oh, the creeping limb, you say? Rippled. Rippled. The creeping limb? It's a horrible eldritch beast. Stalks the forests.

Oh. Nothing like the Phantom Stranger, though. Are you sure it's not Torbek? Look at his limbs. He is quite amazing. You point at Torbek. You can see that, like, the tanks are still on my back, like, normal. You just hear Torbek go, "Raaaaaah!" And then his head goes through a series of grease, and I start going, "Raaaaaah!"

Oh, come children, come fall to your blessed place. Oh, man. I don't hear this. Oh, God. Are you charging anyone? Or are you just... Yeah, yeah, I'm just running at you guys. Scaring wild. Yeah, I'm just running at you. Like, Torek doesn't realize he's being threatening. He's just trying to join the group.

- Tuba, you gotta stop that or I'll fucking die. - Fucking cut it out, man. - What are you doing? - Stop what? Stop what? - No! - Oh God. - Cut that out. Stand up straight, get off your head. - This is the greatest curse that I've ever had. - Don't even ask me. I'll just fucking ask you.

Torbeck, if you act more naturally, and that means no talking about brains and no erratic creeping crawling around, we'll give you some brains later, I promise. Torbeck is unsure that Torbeck can get up. This is comfortable. Well, you don't have to crawl creepily, is my point. You can crawl. I've never seen something crawl on all fives before. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Oh my god. That's just a nightmare. Oh god, he's like Greninja. From the waist down. You're literally this guy. Oh my god. I look to the camera as if I'm the group chorus. Breaking the fourth wall, say, Little did they know...

It was a feature. A creature feature. Featuring the creature. All right, well, let's make our way to Lockberry Henge. Lockberry Henge. Let us away, yes. Okay. To meet the Khorids. To meet the Khorids, yes. Yes. They're blocking the way to the mine. Does anyone want to sing a tune? Ah, yes.

I don't have any more of those potions that allowed me to sing when we did the hopper. You don't have to be good at it, you can still sing.

That's fair, but it makes me feel embarrassed and I don't want to feel embarrassed. Please don't feel embarrassed, you're among friends. Thank you, Amnipore. Why would you feel embarrassed for being terribly bad at something? Why would that make you feel embarrassed? Because I'm not good at it. I'm terribly bad at cooking, but you know that. That's true, yeah. No, the eggs were of satisfactory quality. They were, I believe they were spoiled. I...

They were a little- Wait, you knew the eggs were spoiled? And you knew those goats would curse our friends? You were the worst fucking companion we had so far! Y'all need to roll for this and take it. You can't teleport around? All you do is walk in places we've already been? Well, yes. Dang it!

Yes, the realization that you can't teleport us is actually quite sour. I am curious, Frosty. Not as sour as those eggs, Frosty. No, the eggs were a little more sour. My good old boy. I'm curious. Why did you think I could teleport? Because you said that you could take us there in such a manner that it led one to assume. We all assumed that I wasn't the only one. We could be in the palace and then we're in the other world.

I can dig you anywhere. I don't believe, well yes I can. There are people that can travel between Thither and Yorn or hither and thither but it's difficult to find anyone that can travel between all of them.

Let alone the Palace of Hearts Desire. I understand now that you mean that you were able to cross the threshold from one realm to the other. That is what I mean, Frosch. However... You made it sound like we would join hands and bamf there. Just appear and do it. Are you sure?

sure that I made it sound that way? Yes, I am. I'm very sure. Yes, 100%. 100%, yes. Or do you think it's possible that you wanted it so badly you convinced yourself of it? Sounds familiar. LAUGHTER

Can I ask you a question or two, Amdapor? Of course you can, Kremi. Fire away. Can you please stop trying to lick my earlobes? I was going to ask, does Amdapor have visible ear holes? He does have visible ear holes. How long is Torbek's tongue? Very long. I think that if Amdapor is perceiving Torbek, you would absolutely notice that in this horrific... His head's just doing this. I would like you to stop that.

Uh, okay. Well, please. Yeah, Dormech hears you. Would you mind doing it then? Sure. You're not stopping? Just... Bind Dormech's time. Until? We'll see.

That's ominous. Is he going to be a... Oh, this must be that illness you told me about. I... Yeah, he's got some medical problems, you know. Yes. A couple... I will not draw attention to it. Um, first question is, can you fly? No. Polinella can, but she can't carry too much.

How many guys can she take at once? I'm sorry, what? How many guys can she take at once? Of us. I think she's only ever taken one guy at once. Oh, okay. Only one at a time, all right. But she can take you, is what you're saying. Well, yes, I... There's a dandelion there. I don't weigh much. All right. And are you immune to falling damage? Me? No. How about the bee?

And she has wings. I think it would be difficult for her to fall. Well, presumably, you know, if there are waves to make it happen. If something happened and her wings became compromised, no, she would not be. All right. Good to know. Falls would wound her. All right, well, please proceed with, you know, just following behind you. Certainly. All right, all good. Here he is, like, clips of all the waves. LAUGHTER

He continues to lead you up the cliffside. And eventually, the two of you begin to feel the magics wane as the curses slowly leave you. How far am I up the mountain alone as a goat? Oh, you left? Oh yeah, I went to go guide them to the top of the mountain where the final resting place was, the other side. You find yourself sitting on a chair

On a plateau just filled with goats. There's tons of goats up here. Wrecking children. And you vaguely remember Omnipore saying that they were headed up towards Goat's Ledge, and that's what this appears to be. It smells horrible. Blackfield from the lion's den? East of lions? Lions? Huh. You guys, you guys are goats too, huh? You guys got, oh man. Uh-oh.

Are you my lads that got turned into goats? It's me, Gricko! Look, you can tell because I can do this. That trick that I always do that you're always so impressed by? It's me, Gricko. Lads, it's me. Hmm. I've come to the realization. Are you speaking goat at them? Yeah. Let me see a long glass. I don't know any Grickos. You know a Gricko? No, I don't know any Grickos. Oh, hey, wasn't Gricko that goat?

No, I don't think so. I think that was muck. Are you sure? Nope. Just a goat. That was only the last ten minutes. So I don't know if I still have this. But I'll think, hmm. You know what muck backwards spells? I'm going to see if they can kick you off the ledge. No, they can't.

Well, it's been lovely goats. I don't know if you can hear me no more, but I'm gonna find me friends. There's like a lot of goats. Oh yeah, there's like, I would say 30 goats up here. There should be a hundred of them. There are a hundred goats up here. It's like the birds. And I'm like walking in the car. And I'm walking, "Hey, it's cool. "Please nobody curse me more. "I've already been cursed by goats today." As you get to the edge of the cliff, you can see your friends way off in the distance.

guys there's no way they could hear you it's me graco see i'm doing that thing wait yeah i mean i think that's a graco he's doing that thing over there look at that little thing yeah oh yeah look at that no it's always so impressive he always seems to be doing that it's hard to do it's harder than i'm doing that thing that i'm

I really thought we lost him. I thought he was gone to the goat head. And very quickly, no podcast listeners, we're not going to explain at all what Mikey is doing. I think the moment that Torbeck's curses would pass, he would immediately come to and realize that he's crawling around on the ground on all fours and feel very, very silly and just kind of meekly stand up and be like,

Guys, Tormek doesn't know what that was. Tormek, sorry. Can we just move on and forget about that? That was weird. The next time you have an opportunity to be generous or steal from someone, be generous and you won't be cursed into whatever that was. Tormek didn't think he was stealing! Tormek thought they were offering! Plus, this is still really cool! When I listen to my mouse again, what does it say? Oh. You still have that? Yeah!

You know, those aren't actually goats up there. Those are government dragons. King of Hearts is actually a visiting emissary from the Autumn Court. He's actually been compromised. They have a lot of blackmail going on him. And he's actually a double agent working for the Winter Queen. What's a government? And it's obviously Lefebvre, although he doesn't appear to be of some or is actually all entirely a ruse. I close my eyes. You should check this out. What?

It was kind of worth it, honestly. You should hear what this thing can say. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to. Um...

Hey, guys, it's me. Wait. Wait. Oh, you can't hear me? We'll see you around, Grickle. No. No, it's me. It's me. I'm not one of the other goats. Look. Look at me. Catch up. Is that something I'm always doing, podcast listeners? 3-1-0, thecookingroom.com, bitch.

I clip-clopped down my fucking way down the mountain with my friends because I last three hours. You do. I have a goat for three hours. But there's no way that you're going to catch up with him anytime soon. The rest of you. I guess we just keep walking. Let's not wait for him. I guess I should just sing a song and keep myself company. Are you going to wait for him? I mean, how far is it? So you have been traveling for about...

almost two hours with Amdapor since the curse has happened. Technically, I was going to have them last three hours. It just will take too long. So I ended them early, an hour per goat. And so Griggo climbed for almost two hours up a cliff while you guys made your way two hours the opposite direction. You'll get it, bro. I went up against the cliff. I did.

That's definitely him already. He's only taken 15 steps. Guys, it's really only time now that I'm aware of my hooves. I'm aware of my hooves. What do I have to do about it? He's probably yelling at us something right now. Yeah. Okay. Griggo, just meet us at the place we're going. Just meet us over there. Oh, gosh. I'm...

Oh, I'm so bored up here. It's just me and my lonesome goats are gone. I should sing a song. There are like a hundred goats behind you. Are they following me? Well, there are goats all over this sheer cliff. They're like those creepy goats that like stand on these sheer cliff faces and you don't really know how they goat about up there, but they do.

he would be really messed up if one of those eagles that grabs onto the bones of the dragon goats off the cliff to smash them on the rocks and eat them would show up. Roll a D1. Please. I'm begging you. Summon the golden eagle. Summon the golden eagle. 97. You know what?

With that, you do see one of these giant eagles and it's heading straight for the goat that's right beneath you. You see the goat look up and it has realization in its eyes. It knows that its life is over, but you are shaking. Again, you realize your hooves. This is so much harder for you. The eagle can smell the sweat on your brow and it turns to you instead and rips you from the mountainside and begins to sail through the air. Oh, there he goes.

What do you do? He's not gonna be able to do that thing that he always does. I'm gonna turn. Guys! Rescue is down under looking mother-- I...

I am... So I've been picked up in its towns. You have been picked up in its towns and it is now sailing through the air. Do we see this at all? I'm... I'm... I'm... Big Frost sees it. Guys, you should see this.

He's not just doing that thing that he always does anymore. This is different. Dangerous. No, no, no, no. He's like a mile and a half in that direction. He's been picked up by a giant eagle that's looking to crush him against the rocks. Oh, no. Grinto's always having fun with the animal, man.

Giant Golden Eagle has picked him up as his goat in his goat form and he's about to drop him hundreds and hundreds of meters down to the rocky floor. You can't tell that we're a mile and a half away. I turned to try to see if I can see what Frost is describing.

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You turn. It's clear as day to see. This eagle is huge. Holy crap, guys. Frost is right. Oh, now you're just playing a prank. I'm not going to turn and look because you're going to put the laugh at me. No, no. Look, look. Oh, Grammy. It really is. He really is being scooped up by an eagle. Are you in on this? No, man.

No, it's the craziest thing. No, look over there, man. He's got the crazy big golden eagle. He's all scooped up. I mean, I don't know what happens next, but... Well, I'll be fucked. There he is. Hey!

You can hear him having fun, man. He's having a great time. You know, when he's turned into a goat, you think he's voiced by David Spade? Or is that like only Lama? Oh my God, no, he's definitely voiced by David Spade. No, he's gotta do a David Spade voice. Whatever the accent is. Sorry, no, he's definitely voiced by David Spade. Yeah, the thought knocked me. The thought knocked me hard.

If you were closer, I would try to help him by jumping on the lily pad that I can use to float around, but it's only 20 feet per turn. I'm gonna look, I'm gonna transform out, and I'm a goblin. Ah, Mr. Goblin, you don't eat goats, right? Roll a persuasion check. What do eagles like? Is it a persuasion or animal handling check? Um, yes. If it's animal handling, it's a 26. If it's persuasion...

It's a 20. Okay. That's pretty good either way. The eagle lets out a screech and you see its head kind of dip and then you hear, I thought I picked up a goat. Oh, that goat back there looked real delicious, but no, he fell out.

And he-- and I was actually-- was kidnapped by the Doe! And you saved me, Eagle! Thank you so much for saving me from that mean ol' mean ol' Doe! Well, I don't really want to eat a goblin. No, no, I'll swing it. I should just drop you right here. Oh, no! Probably shouldn't drop me, no! He starts to drop you, but then he gets-- Why, why, why not? Why, why, why not? Why should I not drop you? Uh, because I know what all eagles want to hear. You do?

Love lift us up where we belong. Where the eagles fly on the mountain high. I guess animal friendship on that. Oh!

- Oh my god, he's not passing. - Hold on, I gotta see what a giant eagle. - No way. - No way. - Oh, what do eagles like to hear? - I can't believe there is a giant eagle stat block. - Yeah, of course there is. - I mean, of course there is, but wisdom, you are gonna hate this. I rolled a natural 14 and their wisdom is plus two. - Wow. - Meat or beet.

But I would like you to roll a performance check for me, please. Probably. What do eagles like to hear? Well, I was running down the road trying to loosen my load while the world of trouble... What are you going to do? Sorry. A performance check. Performance check.

Unbelievable. These dice are absurd. Yeah, I'm really- Pre-order the Antler Beast dice at the crookedmoon.com, motherfucker. Or the Morn King, which is what I've been rolling. I'm rolling a crazy, crazy hotcakes. They're great. Uh, performance, that is a 21. Performance.

Though the magic that you're trying to utilize on this eagle doesn't seem to take hold, the way that it begins to fly, it seems like it's really enjoying the songs that you're singing. I have not heard that song in ages. Oh, my sweet girl used to love that song.

It's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed full. You know what I mean? Oh, I know what you mean. Oh, you know, she's slowing down. Don't say maybe. You know what I mean? You know what they say. Fat bottom girls make the rock and roll go round. You know them girls in Winslow, Arizona. Oh, baby, Miss Eagle. I have never

been but I hear it's lovely oh yep yep yep it's all great Miss Eagle well I am starving and I would like to have dinner this has been lovely is there some place that I can drop you oh no you can drop me do you mean like drop me like oh I say yes and you're like oh

And I get crushed. Or it's like, you'll drop me off like Gwaihir the Windlord did to Gandalf the Grey after saving him from the top of Orthancna Tower of Sauron, man. You would think with a name like Sauron, man, wouldn't you? I was so surprised. I couldn't

I wasn't. I was so surprised. But I'm an eagle, so... quite smart. If you could just take me... my friends are down there. No, those little ones down there, yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they're with Andapour. I do love him. Sure, I can give you a lift.

Thank you! You're welcome. Would you mind just singing a few more tunes to me while we away? Oh, oh, oh yeah. On a dark desert highway... Alright, sing it! And he just sails down, and you watch as all of a sudden this eagle just completely turns around and starts gunning for you guys. This eagle is going incredibly fast. It looks predatory.

It is. It looks horrifying. This eagle looks like it is coming down to destroy you. Well, it's coming this way. It hasn't dropped a Grickom. That's remarkable. It has a threatening aura. You think Grickom sold us out? That eagle's coming for Zekko.

It seems like something Gregor might do. Quick, out the red! Everybody grab a rock! Everybody grab a rock, quick! I'm so hot! I'm so hot! I'm so hot! I'm out of the sky! It's the fit of the age! Oh no, oh no! Amdapor starts yelling out at you. No, please! I've thrown seven rocks already. Don't hit poles! I've thrown seven rocks before he speaks. You know that

Paul! It's Amdabor! Paul! It's Paul. Yes, his name's Paul. Because look, it's either Chad or Carl, and now it's Paul. Now it's Paul. Sometimes it'll be Steve. Everyone stop. First of all, Amdabor is someone to be trusted, and if he says the eagle's cool, then the eagle's cool. And second of all, you're throwing rocks? You know Eldritch Blast? Oh, shit! Please stop! Please stop!

Oh, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Thank you, Derek. Mm-hmm. Guys...

Do you know it was me when I was doing it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even from that distance, man. I knew it. I knew that you guys would know it was me. You're always doing that. You've been doing that from the very beginning. That's the thing that I'm always doing. I knew that you guys knew it was me. It wasn't some random old goat. I remember when you did that in episode one. Yeah, me too. Good times, man. Sometimes. Yeah, when your legs fuse together. We're glad you're okay.

Oh yeah, thanks. I'm glad everyone's okay. I'm glad you guys didn't fall off and die. Especially you, Anna Paul. Oh, thank you, yes. I'm still alive. Because you're our guide. Yes, I am. And we are about halfway to our destination. We've only made it like two miles. And it's taken us hours. We only have 13 days, fellas. Asked Paul to give us all a ride. Oh, he did say that he was picking up...

Picking up dinner. No, there's just no time to ask the eagles to fly us straight to the imagination. In the Feywild, are they also kind of like semi-divine, like the chosen of Arul Uvatar? What? Oh, bless you.

Yeah! Who's this guy he's always talking about? Elu, Eluvadog? No idea, man. Bro, just in my old age. I can't even repeat that. I can't believe that you- I finally find God and everyone's giving me a hard time about it. It's fine. There's some friends you are. Let's keep going.

And you do keep going. You travel for another 30 minutes or so. Before you eventually spill out to another open area. Very quickly, I'm sorry to interrupt, but can we go back and I can make a really funny joke about Shagotle and then we can move on? Yeah, yeah, let's do that. Okay, okay.

Oh yes, he's probably going to get some Chagotle right now. Oh yes, probably. Okay. I bet he ordered ahead. What's Chagotle? Chagotle. What's Chagotle? It's like Chipotle, but with a goat in the middle. What? All right, let's move on. And then, so now you're spilling out into an open area and you're immediately hit with a Wall of Sorrow.

Stretching out in front of you is this, almost like a veranda off the side of this mountain. This is the best way to describe it. It is rocky, covered in moss and grass, and there's only one thing on it, or I should say one person.

This entire space is filled with an aura of sadness. A small goblin girl is standing in the very center, whimpering and crying to herself as she holds tightly to a kite that is flying up in the air, getting caught on the wind, nearly pulling her, attempting to pull out of her hands. She's holding onto it for dear life as it is slowly inching her closer and closer to the ledge.

Alright, Griggo. It's another Griggo-focused NPC. Go on. Griggo, please hurry. Make sure that she doesn't get pulled off of the cliff, but also the lightning is about. And she's carrying... She has a kite in the sky. But she's a goblin, you see. Yes. And since you're a goblin, you can speak goblin. And you're the only one of us that can speak goblin. Yes, that's very true. I mean, you're the only man for the job. I miss Paul. Well, maybe...

Well, maybe I'll just grab the kite and you can go have the conversation with the goblin. Wait, no, Torbjorn. Why don't you go? Well, now Torbjorn's not so sure Torbjorn wants to. To be fair, it's a sad goblin girl. You want Torbjorn to walk up on her? Well, that's what I'm worried about is that he's going to scare her. You know what I mean? Why? Torbjorn's not that. Fine, Gregor should do it. Just don't scare her.

Are we not all hit by sadness? You are. It's overwhelmingly sad. It's not changing your feelings. It's not changing your emotions. It's just the sadness is so overwhelming. It's a melancholy scene, not a melancholy effect. Hey, little kid, back away from the ledge. It does seem magical in nature, but not in the way that it is changing how you feel, but that you can tell that there's such a sadness about her that it's overwhelming. I'm

Oh, kid, are you okay? You okay out there, almost on the ledge? Gosh, I just-- I'm just so sad! Oh, gosh. I'm all by myself. My mom and dad are going to hold onto this kite, and Enderlin's gonna do something awful to me! Is this some kind of fate trick you're legally obligated to tell us? I mean, it is, but for me, not for you!

You sure about that? Yeah. You swear on your parents' life? I do. Her parents dead. This is a terrible problem. No, they're not dead. Oh, God. Are they dead? I thought that you just said that they were gone. Well, they're not dead.

They're not here? No, I assumed that they meant dead. No, they're up at Motherhorn. Sorry, we've run into a lot of orphans lately. No, no, I got parents. I got a mom and a dad. If we pull you from the ledge, are we gonna mess up everything you got going on here? Is that gonna be bad for us? On the wind, you hear, you disgusting, awful little girl. No one will ever love you. Your mother doesn't love you. She regrets you. Your father hates you.

Look what you did to his wife. She's older now, less virile because of you. And you look up towards this kite and you see that the kite itself seems to be alive. It has this horrific face that is stretched across the triangle-shaped wooden beams that make the kite.

The string that she's holding onto, there are five pristine blue bows tied to it. And as the kite flies over her, it's constantly just raining down these horrible things, telling her that she's going to grow up to be ugly, that she will...

that she will die old and alone with no family and no friends that she is determined to live a life of sorrow. It's the most horrible things that you could ever imagine. This kite is just spewing at her as she holds onto it for dear life. Hey, that little girl's not tore back. You can't say those things to her. And I'm going to see if I can get close enough with 10 feet of reach to see if I can kind of like scoop her away from the edge and like pull the kite away from her.

I'll say you don't even need to roll to do that. She's very tiny and she weighs practically nothing. It is surprising that she has not been flung from this ledge already, but you pull her back, kind of giving her a little stability. And as you go to attempt to grab the string, she begins to cry even more.

No, no, no, no, no! Alright, alright, alright, calm down, calm down, take a deep breath. Oh gosh, you can't take it! Okay, alright, alright, alright, let's all calm down, take a deep breath. Torbjorn's not gonna take the kite. Torbjorn just doesn't want you to blow over the edge, okay? Torbjorn's gotta hold on your shirt. I feel a lot more secure right now, but it's just saying all these awful things. Just whatever you do, don't get on Enderlin's bad side, don't get on Enderlin's bad side, please!

I'm just gonna hold on to her, like, her shirt or whatever. She can't fly over the edge. And, like, turn back to the guy and say, Guys, she won't let Torbjorn take the kite. She's freaking out. She thinks it's gonna kill her. What if we kill the kite first? Can you kill the kite, Tia? Oh! Well, you could try. Yeah! But that could kill me, too. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to kill the kite if it kills you, too. I don't know. I just know that those five bows that Endelin said, if I let go

For any reason, while those five bows were still there, it would age me. Some amount of age for each of those bows. And then I would either... Oh, no, depending on how long I was here, I would drop dead. So we just have to take those bows off there? Can't get them off while the kite's

Why not? Well, yeah, what, what, super high up, and we can't, like, grab the string? Really, really high up. Oh, well. I feel like... I mean, you could try. ...it would very easily end with this problem. You turn into some kind of little critter, you know, scampering up there. I mean, if you could, you could try it. I mean, I'm pretty good at scampering. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I love it! Who knows how that thing is always doing? Oh man, that's how you know a situation's about to get in. Alright, hold on. Torbeckle, hold on to the girl. You just turn into like a tiny mouse that talks about conspiracy theories. Never mind. Just go up the thing and like nibble off the bows. How could it be? How are you? How could it be? You think I just turned into a little mouse right now? Why not?

A little something. Something with little hands. You know what I mean? I mean, bleh. Perfect just has mice on the brain. It can be anything. Okay. Just don't leave me behind again. I don't want to get picked off by no kind of, uh, whatchacallit. We're not gonna leave you behind. Okay. Oh, oh, hickory dickory dog. I'll shrink, I'll shrink, I'll shrink.

And then I'll get very small, I'll turn into a little mouse. He's got little mouse hands and he'll do this. Ah, it's still him. It's still me! It's still me! You can tell. I'm gonna reach out my other hand and like see if I can like offer you my hand to like run up and so I can set you on the string. Mmm. Squeak squeak squeak. Yeah, alright, come on, Gregor, we don't have all day. Okay. And I'm gonna try to like, while holding onto the goblin girl and just like give him a platform to try to like run up the string. Good luck, little bunny!

How high up is the kite? I'm a mouse! The kite is-- I have the dimensions here. The kite itself is-- the string is 40 feet long, so it's about 40 feet up in the air is where you get that. And along its length in eight-foot intervals, starting about five feet from the goblin curl, are the bows. Okay. There are eight feet between each bow.

You know, while I was in that form, do you think he's voiced by Paul Lynde or Michael J. Fox? Oh, it's got to be Michael J. Fox. I was kind of hoping for Paul Lynde. Oh, you were hoping for Paul Lynde. I was thinking it was going to be Paul Lynde for sure. Well, I guess technically that'd be a rat, wouldn't it? Mm-hmm.

Well, I mean, you know, yeah, but it depends. I mean, he's a rat kind of mouse. Well, the silver lining is that if he can't, if it being a rat makes a difference, then at least he's not going to be voiced by Patton Oswalt. Thank fuck for that. I mean, that'd be ridiculous. I just want to be voiced by Vincent Price. You begin to make your way up the kite. I need you to roll a dexterity saving throw at disadvantage. Oh, okay.

The rat statistics, I presume. Yeah. Uh-oh. It's only a plus. You're gonna be fine. Oh! Dex is a plus zero. Yeah, easy. I'm fine. 'Cause I have the antler beast dice from thecrookedmoon.com. It could never fail you. It could not. Until they do. You... You are trying to scale up the... You're trying to scale up the string.

And I think for this one, I'll give it to you because it's going to be the least precarious right here. Okay. Yeah. And so very low DC on this. And you're able to get to the first bow. Guys, I met the first bow. It's still me. It's still me. Hey, it's him. He's doing it. There it is. There's one mouse. I'm going to try to pull it off.

Easily, you're able to...the bow flaps in the wind. All the while this is happening, this little goblin girl is looking up to you, Torbec. Thank you so much for help. I'm Feenia, by the way. Feenia, okay. Torbec's name is Torbec. It's nice to meet you. My mom's name is Specklenose and my dad's name's Zolt. Did you care?

Sure, Tori cares now. Are they really dead? What? Who? No. You said... Your cat friend said they were dead. Oh, I think Frost gets confused sometimes. If you said they're alive, I'm sure that's the case. He just assumes that every unintended child is an orphan. Do you think you're going to be able to help me? Yeah.

Yeah, why not? We help lots of people. Well, I mean, we don't have a great track record. It depends how long it takes. We will be able to help. And I did make an assumption about your parents. I'm sure that they're fine if you saw them last fine. I'm sure they're fine for us. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with them and no harm has befallen them. Andalyn promised she wasn't going to punish them or me as long as I didn't let this kite go until all the bows were gone. Well, that's going to be very soon now. We have our best man on it.

I grin. Even our best mouths. I flash her crocodile smiles. You do that. Let's see. Oh shit. Sorry, I gotta keep notes of something. All right, I need you to roll another dexterity saving throw. Does anything happen when he takes the ribbon off? It just kind of flies off. Do you let go of it?

Yeah, mine and Gove. Oh wow, just go on. Of the ribbon? It's a magical life curse ribbon. Off into the other end. Okay. That was enough. As you make your way, you are able to scale up towards the next one. It was a lot harder to hold on this time, but you had learned some things from your first try, and you're able to unravel the second ribbon. I'm getting sweaty palms. Guys, I got the second one!

You're still me. You're doing great, buddy. Keep going. Hey, I know he's climbing the thing and everything, but is there anything that says you can't just keep holding the string while we were to reel this in? I mean, I want to see this happen, but could we reel it in in the event that he starts going? Very clever. Yeah, I think that it's a possibility for sure, but I don't know. All I know is the trouble I got myself in.

Okay, well back to Greco. Yeah, we don't want to, you know, take away Greco's moment. No, no, but no, not at all. I'm just wondering. So let's go there. Let's make our escape. Come on, let's go there. I think he's doing fine. I mean, I think he's gonna make it the whole way. Yeah, and I'm gonna keep trying to hype myself as I go to the third ribbon. All right, roll another dexterity save. What's your disadvantage? Disadvantage. Every time?

Hold on. Hold on. Let me see if I have anything to assist with this. Probably not. I have Heroic Inspiration. I'm using Heroic Inspiration. Let's go there. Oh, nice. Nice. You are able to make it to the next bow, to the third bow. Do we start to see him, like, We also have twists. Yeah, you slide down the rope a little bit.

You've got this, Graco. Be a hero.

Where have all the good goblins gone? This entire time, directly underneath him is my invisible mind camp, and I'm just, like, making sure that if he were to drop, I would just be able to catch him. Is he, like, out over the edge now? Like, off the edge? Yeah. Is there a white knight or a white mouse upon a red convertible steed? Oh, fuck.

Okay, do I roll again? Yeah, you roll again. You're making your way towards the fourth. I got a six. I mean, you can use twist. You just incur a curse. I'm going to use twist. I'm going to use five of them. You don't have these curses. Oh, I get to roll. You have to pull a card.

But you can roll, use as many twists as you want to in this turn. But it is reroll. It is reroll. Okay. I'm going to use my Cosmic Omen wheel to circle stars, druid. What in the hell? I'm gonna be able to add a D6 to that. What? Cosmic Omen wheel? Because I'm level six. Jesus, that doesn't sound heroic at all. Help me, help me, Rat Spirits, help me, help me, Templeton. Can you pass that to him? Help me, Templeton.

Help me. Help me, Stuart Little. That's the fourth one, yeah. Do you want any one more? Help me, Radigan. Is he up there? I know all the rats are looking down at me.

So what did you get? I got a 17. Okay. That was enough. You make it to the fourth one and you're able to pull the ribbon off. Now the wind is whipping at you so fiercely. You are near the cloud top and you can feel the electricity from the lightning that is accumulating in these clouds.

and you also feel the magic of the Fae. I got the Justice in Reverse. The Justice in Reverse, the Justice card. I'm sure that'll be fun.

I'm gonna have you pull another one because you're technically all ready. It's you're incredibly unlucky and you have disadvantage on every roll. Oh, yeah. You already kind of do. Can we upside that? Let's put these back. Well, give me justice back. Do you have it? It's gone. The tower in reverse. Uh-oh. Oh, sorry, sorry. I think we got this one last time.

This one is not going to hinder you in this, but we're still going to keep it for a while. You become incredibly gullible and you believe everything you are told. I can do it. I can do it. You can do this. Self-affirming affirmations are really working out this time. Okay, I'm scaling to the fifth one, right? The last one? The last one.

Think that's still him? Maybe that's an entirely different mouse. I don't know, I haven't seen his special, uh, his special technique. He's not doing it anymore. Wait, it's not me anymore?! Oh! Oh! Oh, it's him! Oh, it's him! Oh, it's him! Hey, you're doing great, little green! You're doing great! Hey, you did a thing! Alright, fellas, lads, are you really saying after all of this, after everything, it's still you? Y-yes. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's us. Does that help?

Wait, you- when you grab the last bow, wrap it around the top of the string, and then you can slide down on it, zipline style. Well, what if when he grabs the last bow, the whole kite like explodes or something? Well, then he'll be gone. That's the logical outcome of that.

Hypothetical scenario. Thanks for answering the question. What if he burns into flames right now? Well, then he'll be on fire. Stay focused. He takes a whiskey drink. He takes a vodka drink. He takes a lager drink. He takes a cider drink.

as I am going to try again. I don't know what he's doing, man. I am going to use another one of my wheels. I can use it five times on account of having a wisdom score. 16. That is not enough. The DC goes up every time you climb higher. Can I twist? You can twist. I'm gonna twist! But you have to draw another card. Yes. I'll use another one of my wheels. I don't give a fuck.

20 as a mouse, as a rat, 22. You are able to reach the final bow. As you scale, it is now, the kite is whipping this way and that. It is nearly impossible to be holding on. It is your affirmations and your gullibility that are...

leading you towards the pinnacle of the fight. Wait, is the kite saying anything disparaging to him? Not to him, the kite is still doing nothing but saying awful things to him. The whole time this is going on, I'm just holding this goblin girl, and like, none of us are doing anything to help. I get knocked down! But I get up again! And I'm like full hyping myself up, and I'm occasionally going, "Look what I just do!" I get knocked down! Okay, I got the Wheel of Fortune in reverse. Oh, yes. You do.

Ooh. That's a handsome card. Pure or now at thecrookedmoon.com. He has the whole tarot deck. Does reverse mean you pulled it this way? You believe you are immortal. You are not. You're never going to keep me down. I'm immortal. Good luck trying to kill me. I'm an immortal mouse. You're not immortal. You're not immortal. I'm not immortal? No. No, but you are immortal. You believe yourself.

You're normally very gullible. Why do you think you're immortal? Well, are you saying I'm not immortal? Yes. But I'm immortal! Yeah, he's believing in himself. Yeah, Gricko, nothing can kill you. Keep going. You're almost there. You're

You better be convinced. No, Frosty's got to believe it. He's got to believe it. He needs to have no fear for this final push, man. As soon as he takes the bow off, he's going to be like, oh, great, I don't need to hold on to this. I don't know what he's going to do. Well, Frosty, maybe the cut will explode, and then he's exploded, okay? Yeah, he'll be fine. All right, you don't know it. It ain't going to happen, Frost. We can go. Hayamodo!

I'm the king of the rats! I'm the rat king! Oh, man. That nutcracker's gonna get his comeuppance, then I'm gonna get a cookie with a glass of milk. As I yank the fifth ribbon off. You yank the fifth ribbon off. And with it, I let go. I'm invincible! Lights will die out.

You begin to plummet through the air, but you don't, if you were plummeting straight down, you would land into the safety of Frost's hands, but it's incredibly windy up here. As the wind whips you and you fly off to the left, I need you to roll a d4 for me, please. Can I endeavor to catch him? And you can roll a, I would say, an acrobatics.

or an athletics, whichever one you want, to see how capable you are of... I will use a twist. Okay, pull a card. How far out is he that he's, like, falling? He flies, and as the wind whips up, I will say, roll an insight check. If he's, like, you know, even if he's, like, I don't know, 30 feet out? He's 40 feet up.

No, no, no, like from the cliff, even though he's falling, how far away, like could one of us stretch our-- he's off the cliff, right? So you could stretch your arm out, but the problem is the wind is what-- he's a mouse. So the wind is catching him and knocking him this way and that. Yeah, but it's just-- I'm just wondering how reasonably far away, like off the edge of the cliff he is. It's going to depend as he plummets how far off the cliff he gets if frost doesn't catch him.

I will endeavor to catch him with a 17. You were easily able to catch him. And an upright page of coins. An upright page of coins. A green bird from Cowboy Bebop is playing as I fall. He falls a few feet, he gets picked up by the wind and then all of a sudden he stops as I grab him with my mind hand. Oh, you said upright? Yeah.

I've got you, Grego. You grab onto Grego. And it reminds you of something that you haven't thought about in the longest time. As you hold this mouse in your hand, in your left hand, where you know that ring had been. You were betrothed once to a creature of the deep. You shouldn't be here. You need to prepare to leave. You need to leave the surface world behind and reclaim your long-lost love.

I must find the sea. I believe I can fly. I don't know about the sea, I really screwed up. I believe I can touch the sky. You're burning every night and day. I'm a flying mouse, guys, it's still me. I'm gonna pull Gricko down to the earth. Hey, get fucked, kite guy. I'm a mouse, I can fly, I'm immortal. You suck.

You can stop believing in yourself, Greco. Oh, I believe it. What? I should stop believing in myself. That's very convincing. But no, I'm immortal. Yeah, but your mortal doesn't mean that you should believe in yourself. You know what I mean? That makes sense. I don't do anything right.

Well, you just saved that little girl from the kite. Yeah. You did that right. You can probably let go of the kite now. But, you know, just in case something goes horribly wrong, like, you know, Torbjörn's not like an expert or anything. You think I should?

Well, it's... I mean, the kite... This kite sucks! I know, it's so mean! Yeah, it's terrible, and you shouldn't be stuck holding this thing, and, you know, now, you know, Gricko helped, and Frost helped, and now it's probably fine to let it go!

Wait, wait, wait! Oh god, you don't know! She lets it go. The kite whips up in the air and flies away. And she's looking at herself. Has anything changed? I'll just hold her up and turn her around. She looks exactly the same. You look the same to Torme. I'll set her down on the ground. Oh my god, I did it! How do you feel? I...

Like me! That's great! Bet you can't blast it! Out of the sky! Why are you screaming? You're right here next to us! Blast what? I've got you. Here you go, I need to talk to you about something very important. I can't do nothing. I was on a bet! 50 gold pieces! I can't do nothing right. 50 gold pieces in the game! Oh, I'll take that action. I'll give you a thousand electric pieces. Torbett can offer a single button. If you can hit it? I'll just blast the kite. Okay.

Roll a disadvantage because it is whipping this way and that in the air. Well, that was a 19. Another 19. But you can't do it. 17 plus. Not bad. But you can't stick it. That will hit. I rolled that on the Swamp Hex dice available at thefirmament.com. Wow. I rolled my natural 20 on my Vampire Rose dice. One of 11 sets of sharp edge resin dice, beautifully high quality, unique list. Yeah, 11 sets. How much damage do you do?

Oh me? Yeah, you. At least it might be. I'm being held by Frost's mind. Who shut the gate with an Eldritch Blast? Not me. Who, me? 14. Wow. That's a long time ago. That's pretty a lot. That is pretty a lot. Hold on, I have to see this. I don't really want to do this. I did not write down. I mean, I know it's here, but I need to look it down. Where does it say?

Well, I'm going to say that that's enough. I know somewhere in here it says it has hit points. Oh, well, I got like three more blasts. It's got to be a single blow. Oh. It has damage. It does, yeah. I believe that it's supposed to be 10, so I'm going to say that that hits. And you watch as Cremie takes the bait and lets loose a blast. And you watch as this kite...

Yeah, because you're antagonizing him, right? Yeah, the baits that are antagonizing him. And he lets loose this blast and you watch as this kite is shredded to pieces and it flaps away on the wind. Yeah! Nice job, man! Woo! Yeah! Good job! You suck! Dorbex says everybody's got to pay up.

And Torbek will go to his pocket and give you a single old button. All right, well. Stupid fucking fail probably went bad. Do I get a payoff? No, no, just them. Nah, you're good. Thank you so much for helping me. I thought I was going to be stuck here forever.

I need a thousand election pieces. Yeah, hold on. Let me just get my pocketbook. From what I know, anyone who gets cursed by Endelin is normally cursed forever. So you did me a really good service here with what you did today. Are you sure that you were cursed-cursed by magic? It seems to me that she left you in a precarious spot with a kite and that the fear of letting go of the kite was its own curse. I mean, that may be so, but...

If I let the curse if I if I let the kite go before those bows were off She would know because she's got eyes everywhere And then once it got back to her then she would punish me anyway Now that i've let go after the bows were gone. She can't punish me because she promised so I may have done something really bad, but I paid for it now. So a life back and that's thanks to you

Do you know what she says this to her might wait for her heart to stop and for her to just like drop dead? Do you think that she's aware that you're free now? I don't know. I don't really want to go back to Motherhorn. Is that where you like live or is that just where you think your parents are? That's where my dad are. I was, I mean, we're all trapped there forced to perform in plays for every single night. It's awful. Have you ever considered living under the sea?

No, but there's this nice cave around the way I could live on moss and lizards for the rest of my life. No, that's not a very nice cave. A grotto? No, no, no. That's a charitable buffet! But I was punished because I stole props from the prop room, and I still got a few, so I'll at least have those. Actually, it's a thank you for helping me. Would you like one of the items from my prop bag?

Oh, if we take it, Dora would never say no. I mean, a whole prop bag. I don't know if you know this about us, but... It's just simple theater props. It's nothing special. We're a well-received acting troupe, believe it or not. Oh, my gosh. Enderlin would love you up in Mother... We're not an opera. We're a hoppera. A hoppera. You should make your way up there if you act as I think you could do...

You could do amazing things, but just be careful because one slip of the tongue and she'll have you trapped forever. Well, hey, how come if you knew she was cursing people horrifically, how come you stole a bunch of props that don't mean anything? I don't have anything of my own that belongs to me. I was born up at Motherhorn. I'm always forced to do these silly parts like

Goblin girl that walks behind the truck. Not truck. I don't know why I said that. I don't know what a truck is. Goblin girl that walks behind the carriage. What the fuck is a truck? Oh no! That is a wish! Wish! We saw plenty of trucks in the Hitchy Sparks.

Wait, so what you're saying is that the props in your bag are your only worldly possessions? Yeah, I stole about ten of them. Of course we'll take half of them! Yeah! Absolutely! Absolutely! Thank you! That only makes sense. Let me go ahead and give you the props. I'll give each of you one, and then is it okay if I...

live in that cave and live on moss and lizards for the rest of my life? - Yeah, that's totally fine. - Sounds like heaven. - Free Feywild. - Well, if you do make your way up to Motherhorn, will you let my parents know that I'm safe? - Yeah, sure. - And not just living in that cave over there, living on moss and lizards for the rest of my life? - Stop, you're making Torbett jealous. - What do they look like? - Their name were Speckle and something else. - Speckle, those. - Yeah, yeah. That's my mom. My father's name is Zolt.

Torbjorn! Torbjorn! Torbjorn's on fire today! Yeah! That's so cool, you things I said. Yeah, you know, Torbjorn tries. I've never had a friend. Oh, well. Is that the kind of thing friends do for each other? Yeah, especially birthdays and, you know, work anniversaries and things like that. What's a birthday?

A birthday is the day that you came into this world and the people who love you most celebrate usually with cake that's not made of garbage. We don't celebrate that day because I was born a mother horn and every day of my life has been miserable and sad. Oh, well. I'm sure those lizards in that cave will be good friends. I bet they will. I just know it. Well, let me go ahead and give you your

I can't believe I can fly. I can't believe I can touch the sky. I'm holding you with my mind down. I feel like I think about you are. Yeah. Dang it. Also, Griggo, I need you to be my best man. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I thought you'd never ask. About time.

About time you popped the question. I'm going to go get married to Shelly. Finally, you finally asked the sea king in his watery halls for his daughter's hand in marriage. About time, Frosty. Yes, now we... I've been waiting. You made that poor...

watery, salty girl with cockles in her hair, wait for 900 years. Oh, cockles? They're gonna blow seashells. That's what I'm saying. I don't know that's how you do things, man. I can't believe this. After all you

You made that poor salty fishy girl wait and finally popped the question. Thank goodness. Thank you, Greg. I think that it's important we go immediately. We have to find the sea. Wait, so when you say the sea, you mean any sea? That's right. The sea? Underneath it, I'm compelled. Yeah, I'm going.

I'm going with Frosty. I presume that, you know, you'll be able to die in the sea king's watery holes on account of being his son-in-law, but I mean, I can survive because I'm immortal. I can't die. So I'll be able to feast in his watery holes together. As soon as we walk into any sea,

Grimmy, logically, because he's the king of all the seas, he'll be able to transport us to wherever his kingdom is. Ooh, do you think there's, like, a nice bridesmaid who's got nanny moans in her hair? Almost certainly. Oh, yeah.

I've always been a fan of handsome Nanny Moons. I don't know what Nanny Moons is, but it sounds provocative. Jorvik's confused. Jorvik feels like he missed something. Frost is getting married? Okay, now this cane is for you. It looks just like the guy with the little skull on top and everything. Oh, thank you. A second cane that's just like mine. Yeah.

She goes back to rummaging around in her pack. I compare them how, like, the quality difference-wise. The one she handed you is way better quality. Oh, man. It doesn't look anything like a prop. All right. Oh, this is clearly just a regular old prop, eh? Yep, yep, absolutely right. Thank you. Oh, I believe it. Yeah, it looks just like a prop. Um... Oh, do you have any mouse-size props? Squeak, squeak, squeak. I'm a mouse. I've got a few things. Oh, uh, may I have a cookie?

I don't got any cookies. Your breath smells funny. Do you smoke? Me? Yeah. I mean, only when I'm at the child's casino on break. All right, well then this is for you. And she hands you a pipe. Oh. Hey, and that is comically oversized for you and your mouth form. It makes you look distinguished, though. Frosty? Yes? I don't know if you should go through with this marriage.

I've already committed to it. I'm not gonna back out now. Shelley is a fine girl. The king of the sea will be furious. Shelley's a fine girl, with a fine wife she would be, but let's face it. Yes. Your life, your love, your lady is the sea. Yes, and Shelley represents the sea in those lyrics. My lungs are very small. You probably shouldn't be smoking in this way.

He's the mortal, remember? I'm the mortal. Yeah, yeah, I forgot that. Smoking isn't bad for me. I'm getting married. You need to get on board with this plan, Greco. Okay, I'm on board with the plan now, yeah. If you get married, then you could always offer this up to your new bride. And she catches you a really beautiful orb. Oh my. Where did you find this orb? In the prop room at Motherhorn. This doesn't feel like a prop. Little girl.

Thank you so much for this. You're welcome. May I exchange to you some parting wisdom in exchange? I mean, sure, but you don't need to give me anything for it because you already gave me back my life. I feel like I... And my best friend Torbeck. In the spirit of reciprocity, I owe you... Yes. ...is that you was so afraid of death, but you shouldn't have been afraid. Living death is a good thing. Living forever is...

is not what it's cracked up to be. And you know, held within the pleasure dome decreed by Kubla Khan. And to taste my bitter triumph as a mad and mortal mouse. Nevermore shall I return nor escape these caves of ice. For I have dined on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise.

Are you okay? Don't you forget it. Did you hit your head? Well... Is he alright? Yeah, I mean, we all understand what he's saying. He's speaking plain common. Of paradise. You should see him do this one thing. It's so cool. Oh, yeah, he is. Oh, yeah, is it? My pot slinging over my shoulder.

You look like you would-- Ah! What are you-- what are you doing? No, that's classic Griggo. He's doing the thing. Oh! The thing? Yeah, it's not the same when you do it. Yeah, no, definitely not. I thought maybe it was a goblin thing. No, put those down. Okay, I'm sorry. Well, yeah. Uh, but before we go on, does anyone have a cookie?

Stop asking! I do have this pipe for you. You seem like you would be the kind of guy that would just love a pipe. Dormant? Yeah, but not... Sorry, pole. It's a pole, not a pipe. It's not like a pipe, but it's a pole. A pole? Yeah. How big? Well, you know, it's a moderate, at least an average-sized pole. I'll, like, take this from you. Is it, like, a piece of piping? Or is it, like, a... Like, it's made of wood?

It's like a pole. Yeah, 10-foot pole. Like a quarter-stall. Yeah, it's like a pole. Yes. Like pole vaulting. Is it similar to a cardboard tube? Yeah, that's, yeah. I just take it and I just like, . Oh, wow. I don't think that's the intention of that.

Thanks. You're welcome. And it might not be much, but you're kind of sooty. You know, because of all the fire and stuff and embers in your beard. It's been a long travel, too. I thought you'd like this little sack of powder. Oh.

Well, cool. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, thanks for fixing all of my problems. I'm gonna go to my lizard and moth cave now. Well, well... Okay, yeah, that sounds good. Before you go, I mean, you're just gonna live in the cave, like, for the rest of your life? Oh, yeah, I can't wait. Yeah. Oh. Better than Motherhorn. Well, why don't you take this before you go? In reciprocity. Okay. And I'll take out one of the tents, and I'll give it to her. Oh, my gosh, it's a...

It's like a bedroom all on my own! So yeah, when you lay it out, you walk in, just imagine the most beautiful place you've ever seen.

And it should take form in exactly how you imagine it. Oh my gosh, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done to me. Outside of freeing me from a life of torment, holding a kite up in the air. Oh wow, I bet it is the nicest thing anyone's ever done to you. If you ever find yourself in a lizard moss cave, and you're looking for your Fred-phenia, just call for me, and I'll help you anytime.

Thank you. Well, of course, you know, you're very welcome, little girl, and, you know. Thank you, thank you so much! You're very welcome! Goodbye, my new friends! Goodbye, my new friends! And she turns, and she walks away and dies off. Don't fear the Reaper! Skipping away towards what you imagine is... Oh, watch out for the toilets, though! Goodbye, Fenia. I hope you learned the basic survival skills necessary to enjoy that cave. Yeah, she...

She doesn't know how to cook. Well, but you know. Do we know that the tent can produce nourishing food? Think of food, I think. She has an infinite supply of moss and lizards. She'll be fine. Yeah, she's going to be completely fine. You're right. That makes sense. With the little goblin girl gone, you realize that that sense of dread is now gone from this place. The happiness that she now feels is overtaking this place. And you all feel...

happy and the curses that you are experiencing dissipate as an overwhelming sense of joy assaults all of you. You stare down and look at these things, you realize that they're not props. They all have a use.

Guys? And it's almost as if you intrinsically know what they are and how to use them. Frost, you hold in your hands an object that is altogether useful and useless at the same time, an orb of direction. While holding this orb, you can use an action to determine which way is north. This property functions only on the material plane. Oh. That seemed useful. Got him.

Torbek. Yeah? You have a pole of collapsing. While holding this ten-foot pole, you can use an action to speak a command word and cause it to collapse into a one-foot-long rod for ease of storage. The pole's weight doesn't change. You can use an action to speak a different command word and cause the rod to revert to a pole. However, the rod will elongate only as far as the surrounding space allows.

Uh-huh. Torbjörn is basically Son Goku now. Torbjörn has ascended! And you're on a grand journey, man! It's right there! For now, though, because Torbjörn is so tall, this ten-foot ball will act as a walking stick and it'll be pretty comfortable, so Torbjörn's gonna do that for a while. Graco, you have in your hands a pipe of smoke monsters.

While smoking this pipe, you can use an action to exhale a puff of smoke that takes the form of a single creature. Such as a dragon, a flum, or a phrygimith. The form must be small enough to fit in a one-foot cube and loses its shape after a few seconds, becoming an ordinary puff of smoke. Guys, you got monsters in your life. I realize I'm gonna die one day. Ah! Ah!

Oh god. The worst monster you can imagine emerges from my lungs. Monster's in my lungs? Gideon.

You stare down at this dust, the dust of corrosion. As an action, you can throw this dust into the air, filling a 10-foot cube that extends out from you. Surfaces and objects made of non-magical ferrous metal in the area instantly corrodes and turns to dust, becoming useless and unsalvageable. Any creature in the area that is made wholly or partly out of ferrous metal must make a DC 13 Constitution saving throw, taking 48 necrotic damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one.

Found in a small packet, this dust is made from finely ground rust monster antenna. There is enough dust in each packet for one use. Oh, I thought they just had the wheel. Crummy. But they got the dust too. You stare down at yours. How this found you, especially in the Feywild, it's hard to know. But this is something belonging to the Baron. Cain of the Dread Baron.

This staff can be wielded as a magical quarterstaff, or rod, that grants a plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls. The staff has ten charges and regains 1d6 plus four expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a one, the staff is destroyed in an otherwise harmless burst of eldritch energy.

The attack: when you hit with a melee attack using the Staff or Rod, you can expend up to three of its charges. For each charge you expend, the target takes an extra 1d8 Necrotic damage.

Wow.

Wow. Is this a real fucking magic item, or is this-- Yeah. It's called the Eldritch Staff, if you're looking for it in the-- Guys! All of these should be in the Witchlight. Jorbek is so pleased that all of these gifts were very equal. Yeah! Oh! Oh no! Where the fuck-- Mr. Krammy, what's wrong? My shadow's still there. Yeah, man, right behind you.

What do you got? But yours obviously has differences, so instead of doing lightning damage, it is necrotic damage, is the damage that it does. So if you pull up the staff, that's what you will see. I turn it over, and I look to see if there's any sign or signature or initial for Remiguru.

Roll a perception check. Oh no! Eat. Nothing that you can find. What in the hell? Kremen, you alright, man? I mean, you guys got a bunch of random fucking crap. Hey! Hey! Fuck, look at this! Hey, I have a strike function in my lungs now! Hey! Well, it just kinda looks like your staff, man. No, it's not "kinda looks like it," this is from the Baron.

You know who else knows the Baron, right? I doubt it's that little fucking goblin girl! You know that? You think that's something Guru? Yeah, the fucking fucking Remi Guru! There's no way he knows where we are or how he could find us! I know he has in his ways. He's a powerful man, you understand? He's just a guy. Well, what are you saying, Remi? He's a guy who has magic. You think he like sent his staff to you somehow?

maybe as a fucking warning. I mean, I don't know. Maybe it's sheer coincidence and maybe it's not really from the Baron and it just, you know, it just happens to sort of look the same. You know, it's like when, you know, both of those Jungle Book movies came out the same year and it was really, really similar and they came out like the same, you know, within two months. Same thing with Deep Impact and Armageddon. Yeah, that's right. Very strange. You know, that happens a couple times. War of the Worlds, I think, had three movies come out that year. You know,

I'm gonna try not to freak out about this. This actually could be a good sign. Because if it's true that Endelin has an ally in Remigaroo, and we, uh, now we know about it. And by pure coincidence, we happened to save a girl who happened to steal a thing. Well, maybe Remigaroo's an enemy of Endelin, and she stole his staff, and then this girl took it from her. Even better.

I don't know, it just seems too fucking coincidental. In this province, it's all about shadows and shit? I don't know. I mean... Would it help if I really showed you something much scarier than the Amiguru? Take your mind off of it. Not particularly, I mean... You could try, I guess.

And you'll see as I'll puff smoke, as it'll take the form, it'll be kind of rounded, a big kind of lower jaw, no arms, two wide feet that splay, two little ears as... The Groglin! Oh, little jig! Oh!

That's a handsome jig on the bed. The Groblin is back! What's happening right now? Is he freaking out? Why is he freaking out? Because he's a little goblin made of smoke. At first, it is an actual Groblin, just one foot by one foot cube worth of Groblin. But after about a minute, it turns into a smoke Groblin. Oh! What the hell?

I got so scared I got turned back into a goblin. See? That was way scarier than whatever Mr. Guru is. Oh gosh, why did I do that to myself? Oh, I almost got a heart attack. You know, Bricko, I'll let you live in bliss. Oh gosh. Just keep an eye on your shadows, fellas. Oh. Wait, I have an idea. You're so afraid of shadows, what if we only travel at night?

and on cloudy days. - Well, it's not that easy. You still sort of have a metaphorical shadow. It's not like it's a literal thing where you need some sort of source of light hitting you at an angle. It's more about kind of like your shadow self. - I refuse to indulge in the inanity of Carl Jung.

Let's move on. We do. You do. You continue. You leave this place behind, casting a quick glance towards the direction of the cave where Fenia will live, eating moss and lizards.

As you make your way up towards Lockberry Henge, it does not take that long from here. It takes about another hour before you finally crest over the top of the plateau. And in front of you, you see what is clearly a very large stone henge. There are eight henges here. Is that what you would call one of the little...

They're monoliths. Yes, there are eight monoliths, thank you. There are eight individual monoliths here, each of them a different type of stone. Shale, shale, shale. Yes, that sounds very wrong. Shale, chalk, flint, granite, slate, basalt, obsidian, and marble. All of them in basalt, sorry. No, no, I'm making an Icebound reference. Okay.

Is that an ice man, baby? The other thing that you notice is that there is a small stone table here with a game that looks very similar. It's a game that you have seen before. In human terms, it seems like chess. And I need you all to roll a perception check for me, please. Okay. Oh.

Torbjörn sees nothing. Torbjörn got an eight. 18. 22. 18. Greco? 10. Oh, perfect. The three of you are, you turn and you look towards this game. It seems so strange that it would be up here at the top of this plateau and all it is is surrounded by these eight monoliths. But then you realize that there is a small fire that looks to have recently been put out, stamped out or stomped out.

And as you notice that, you then realize that leading from the game, heading directly towards two of the monoliths, the shale and the chalk monolith, are ashen footprints. On top of that, it looks like the game itself was in the midst of being played. You guys seeing this? I don't fucking understand what's going on.

Yeah. Definitely looks like someone was just up here playing this game. Heh.

"No, I don't think that death reigns here." Oh, yeah, you're here. "I had some more time to spare." Oh, whoa, Torbjorn, I forgot you were with us! You really freaked Torbjorn out there for a second. "What do you mean? "I've been walking with you this whole time. "You wouldn't have made it to this plateau without my guidance."

No, this is where the Khorids are supposed to be, but from what I hear, they're lively folk. They love dancing and song and entertainment and large parties, but this is completely empty. Not at all what I was expecting. Oh, but it looks like they're playing a game of...

What is this, a game of crown? And he walks over to it and begins to look. Not very good at crown. I wonder who's winning. Oh, look, he picks up one of the pieces. They're carved to look like little cords. And you do see that all of these essentially chest pieces are carved to look like cords. They are these little stone creatures that have hooven legs. Let's see, I'll find a... Here, you can see them right here.

They look like this. And what you see, sorry, sorry guys. What you see is that one set of these pieces that are shaped like a cord are made out of shale and the other ones are made out of chalk. They seem to be playing against each other. Do you know how to play? I do know how to play. I'm not very good. Doing a once over on the board. Can you explain the rules to me?

i would say you would definitely know how to play crown oh it's just chess it's a very common game i will evaluate the board to see if i can find the quickest mate

I would like you to roll a... I thought Frost was a kinky thug. Frost is always out here looking for the quickest mate. I need to roll an intelligence card. That's going to be a 23. Oh, easy. You glance at this. It takes you one second. You see...

You see Ondapur looking down and he's like, if I move this one, then that one. No, no, no, no. You look down for a second and you go, oh, yeah, I could win this game in one move. Slate would beat chalk in a single move. Slate would beat chalk in a single move. No, no, no. Assuming that they're the next, if it's their turn, you can see I can go from here to here. Do you? I move it.

The moment you move it, you hear rumbling behind you. The two of the stone monoliths, the one that is slate and the one that is chalk, as you hear immediately behind you. I'm not going to remember how to do this voice. Fuck.

Basically, I will do it next time because I can't remember. Well, what does Farron sound like? Top of the morning! I told you I was going to be able to get you in this game of Crown as you watch two of these creatures step out of the stone, having used Meld into stone. They step forward and you see that they're bickering, but happily as they look towards you and smile and they say, oh, well,

"Lockberryhenge, it's nice to meet ya!" And that's where we'll end tonight's episode. Yay! Thank you, that helped. I'm like, why can't I hear this in my voice? Or in my head? It needs the fearing of the hard stuff! Fearing of the hard stuff! See, I need to think of the word garden, 'cause that was my unlock for Maggie. She was scared of it. Flarneystone! Whale oil bee. Whale oil bee fucked. Whale oil bee fucked.

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