Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 61 | Casting Stones
01:24:11 Share

What a do! Welcome to Legends of Adventress. Looks like here's what happened last time.

Did you say you wanted to go back to the Material Plane? Eventually. Eventually. No, not right now. I could help you with that if you want. Well, you see, there's a fairy prince here from the Court of the Spring. He had a bum deal with What's-Her-Face. Bitter end. He promised her a year of his life, and then she'd let him go home. He gave up the year, and he's allowed to go home. He's just, he can't quite do it. He's...

Cut like eight fey beacons, and then he can make his way home. She'll show him the way. You've bested me here fair and square, even if you are a bit of a cheater. But I know when I've been beat.

I was worried when he started eating pieces, but I knew he'd pull it through. You're a valiant opponent, and she reaches out and shakes your hand. Oh, I shake your hand and hurt you. But next time you're playing a game with someone, don't try and eat their pieces. That's very unlikely. What are you even doing? That's so strange. Well, I'm affected by them. If you're hungry, just let me know. I'll make you a chicken. He just said he didn't even like you one little bit.

You didn't say that, did you, Morning Frost? I know you're a little-- you're hangry, but-- Why would you say that about our lovely queen? I am here, Argandal, and I want to tell you that I was being influenced by the Feywild winds. We're from the Prime Material Plane, and I was focused so much on our fantastic, enjoyable, competitive game that I lost my emotions. Moment, this has been the most entertaining day of my life in quite a while.

and I think I've communicated with the rest of the tribe and they would all like to join you for a rousing dance atop the plateau and a nice night of partying amid the stones. That sounds wonderful! If you would like to participate in the first Khorid celebration in many, many a time. Gideon, I would like to teach you to dance. You were all standing atop the plateau at Lockberry Henge

You've been dancing for hours now, enjoying the company of the Chorids, firmly brought in to their fold as they enjoy their time with you. When all of a sudden, amidst the sounds of the storm that is roiling overhead, you begin to hear the sounds of hammers on stone and chisels on stone.

incredibly loud, echoing throughout the mountain peaks as the queen of the Khorids makes her way over towards the edge of the plateau and yells out, "Death to the Briganox." The rest of the Khorids rush over to her. They all begin picking up stones and chucking them down into the valley below.

as they yell and scream, completely losing interest in their dance and their time with you. And that is where you find yourselves now. You are standing in the middle of these stones as all of these cords are in a rage, hurling rocks into the cat's eye. Oh my god!

Are we under attack? Is this political violence? - This is really harsh on our mellow, man. - Yeah, I mean, we were just dancing. Now they're throwing rocks at these guys. - The vibes were peak and now they're off. - Brutal gang warfare, is this the '90s? - I look around, like, where, are we under attack from the brigandots? - You don't seem to be under attack. You're on top of a plateau at the top of a mountain.

and they are, you are up high, they are looking down, potentially towards the mouth of a cave or something like that. - They're like chucking rocks down. - And they're chucking rocks down there and yelling. - Fuck those guys, yeah, fuck them briganducks. I run over and I just grab rocks and I just start yeeting. - No, no, no, no, no. - Fuck them briganducks.

I'm sucking rocks. Stupid Briganox. Come to me, man. I mean, we can talk to him. Say something smart. If Briganox have no haters, Gricko's dead. Yeah, get him, Gricko. Fuck him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

And like, just get activated, and like, in the mountains throwing rocks and stuff? Like, that's 100%-- It's in our DNA! Yeah, yeah, yeah! That-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that-- that

What are you talking about? It's the damn Briganox. They're making all the sound to ruin our fun. Death to the Briganox! Death to the Briganox! This is why I have the situation straight. We're killing all the Briganox because they're hammering anvils while we're trying to party. That's why we're killing them all. What are you talking about? We're not killing them. We're throwing rocks down there. Oh. They're inside of their mountain caves, hammering away just to ruin our fun.

None of them are actually in any danger? I'm going to peek over. Ah! Gringo! Do it right, Dizzy! Kill one! Ah! Nice tool bag! Oh, let's not count how many we killed! Roll a D100 for me, please. Thank you. You step to a safe spot along the edge here, Frost, and you look down into the chasm. It is shrouded in fog. It is...

And you can imagine it's like this always, but it's perpetually stormy here. And with that amount of moisture in the air, there is a thick layer of fog that's almost encircling this. But you find a position where everyone here, well, the Korids and your two goblinoid friends,

are hurling rocks down into this almost blindly, you find a position where you can look down into this chasm and see a vantage point. And from here, you notice a couple of things.

You notice that about halfway down in this chasm that there is the place that the Kordes were talking to you about. You can see what looks to be almost a crater lake. It's quite a huge jutting platform out from around the middle of this mountain. And around it are these eight giant stone beacons.

One of them. Around the lake? Around the, it's like a crater that's filled with water, so a crater lake. And you see that one of these beacons is lit, and as you're looking, you notice a second one lights, and just as it does, the first one goes out. That's going like, and then the next one, and

And then the next one, and it's just going around like that in order? Yeah, every time one is lit, the one before it goes out. Something about Gondor. That's expected behavior. The Brigham House. You know. We know of this. There's that fake prince down there. That aligns with what you had heard.

and you see that, oh, that-- Oh, he's trying to light them all at the same time. Yeah, right? And then someone's following him and putting them out. That is, you're able to look at that and say, okay, that's the place where that's happening. I recognize that. But even further down, as you continue to look down the chasm, you see that once it gets to the actual base of it, where the two mountains diverge from each other, you see that there is clearly a large entrance to a cave.

an incredibly large entrance and all around it are these hulking stone statues. And from this vantage point, it's really difficult to see what the statues are of, but

Aside from that, you don't see any Briganochs at all. You're not really sure what a Briganoch is, what it looks like to know, but you don't see any moving creatures in that space. What did you get with your D100? I got a 36. Torbjorn doesn't intend to see their faces ever!

Though you don't see any briganochs about. You do see there had been a goat that was scaling the mountain as a rock crashes into the side of it and you watch as it plummets down the mountain and splatters into a pool of blood. What are you doing, Gregor? Look! Yeah, yeah! See? Here you go. See? Here you go. There we go. You guys don't see that. Only Frost sees that. You're looking down into just fog.

I go over to the biggest boulder in the fucking... Here you go, Hoochie, get another rock! I stick my ten-foot-long arms under the boulder, and I start yelling at Gricko, Help Torbeck roll this! Yeah! Hoochie, help us! I'm gonna try to push some boulder over the edge of this thing and just cause Indiana Jones-style devastation. You push the boulder down and roll another D100 for me. Good God. Come on, give me a hundo.

58. Okay. You are still watching this. You see the goat fall, and for a moment, you're not sure what it is, but then as you watch it tumble, you realize what it is, and the devastation that your friends are doing, and as you turn to let them know what's happening and what you see,

you watch as this giant boulder begins to roll down the side of this cliff. No, stop. It barely misses. It barely misses.

It barely misses one of the Fey Beacons on this plateau about halfway down. You get a break in and an Alfechni's gonna come out and fucking kill us. As it continues to roll down, dislodging huge portions of this mountain, and by the time it crashes into, there's basically a little valley,

a narrow walking path. That's at least how it looks from up here between these two mountains as they go up. And as the boulder rolls down the one and lands at the bottom, bits of both mountains fall down and blocks off an entire pathway. There's now a huge blockade there. If you were to get down to the base, your options for travel would be directly into the mine itself or potentially down the jagged cliff side on the opposite side. We're winning! Yay!

Fuck them guys! Can you remind me of the, um...

- Political, like, climate? - Climate, yeah, climate of like-- - So what you know about the Khorids, or what you have learned from the Khorids is that the Khorids hate the Briganox. And the reason that they hate them is because their lead architect, Briganox are very ingenious, they make a lot of contraptions and things. Their lead architect has been working directly with Endolin to create things for Motherhorn.

and they also hate the Chorids and like to disrupt their fun. They intentionally make loud noises to ruin any time that they've done song and dance, and also to alert Endelyn when they're out and about doing fun things, which is why they don't anymore, because she'll come down from Motherhorn and she'll snip off their hair to use for ropes and pulleys and things within Motherhorn. - But we also, we know that we need

They need the Briganox to go through their tunnels to get to Motherhorn. They let you know that yes, there does appear to be some sort of entrance into Motherhorn. How you would get in there is hard to know, but-- Do we need the Kord's for anything in particular? That's what I'm trying to remember. It's like, are they gonna help us in some way? My recollection is-- They're gonna help us find Gleam. Knight Andapour told us that we needed to befriend the Kord's in order to

get their permission to pass? Yes, because getting directly to Briganok Mine, you have to go over Lockberry Henge, down where you're throwing all of these rocks. So we're crossing through, just by narrative of traveling through the state. We need their permission to get to the Briganoks. Yeah, to get down into the valley. To the town, okay. And that also they have put some sort of statue,

safety mechanism outside of the cave to prevent people from getting in there and to prevent the Briganox from leaving, which is presumably what Frost is seeing, the giant stone statues. - Peace was never an option! - Do you remember the queen's name? - Yeah, I'm sure you do. What's her name, Rich?

It's like Rodelia? Yeah, no, it was definitely, you should try calling her that. Oh, no. Rodiandra? What a new Miss Queen Lady. I mean, is all this violence and noise necessary? I mean, I understand y'all really don't like them Riganox down there. I mean, perhaps this is something that my band of mercenaries could help you with.

What did you have in mind? Well, I mean, here's the thing. Obviously, given all this horrific political violence that's happening around us, y'all don't like them too much, and I figured you just sort of, you know, aimlessly throwing rocks and boulders down in their general direction isn't doing a whole lot. So let them know that they can't just walk all over us. They can't just...

Let her know that we're here, we're having a good time, and that she can come just steal our hair anytime she wants. Would you be willing to entertain a more permanent solution, Queen Argintal? Are you suggesting that we just kill them? I'm suggesting that we just kill them. If you let us pass, we might be able to make a deal. If you can get in there, we can sneak on in. We'll go down the edge of the bowl of the crater like a stealth mission.

In the middle of the night. We'll sneak into their caves and we'll cut their throats while they're asleep. We're pretty good at killing people. Well, as long as none of us have to go with you, I'd be more than happy to give you, especially after every, hold off on the rock throwing! And you see that they all throw, they all stop throwing rocks. I would throw a couple more until I realized that they've all stopped and I...

Get him, Torbek! She won't make any effort to stop the two of you, but you do notice that the rest of them back up and they all align with their particular standing stone. Torbek doesn't know what came over Torbek. Well, and that's the best part, you understand, right? Because if you all went in there and killed it, it could cause a blood feud that may last centuries, but if you send us, they won't necessarily know that we're political agents.

Just a couple of drifters. And my band of mercenaries is very well trained. If anyone gets captured, they will not leak a word of it. I have contingencies upon contingencies. I never really thought about them being killed.

We just want them to stop. Well, what's the best way to stop somebody? Death is a permanent solution. You fucking kill them, that's it. I mean, in is the thing, right? We get in, if you can get us in, we'll kill them, and then that gives us entrance to Motherhorn, presumably, if I'm understanding all this stuff, right? You might need at least one of them to get into Motherhorn. I'm not sure it's something, a place you can just walk into. We can keep one alive, that's fine. But then you'd kill it after? Well, we could, I mean... Lest it procreate and...

They fill up the mine again. Yeah, I mean, once we've expanded the usefulness of said riganog, yeah, we can cut its throat. No problem. So here's the thing. At the end of the day, we want to help y'all. Given how beneficial this could be to you and our particular skill set, this might come at a premium if you don't mind paying for our services. Uh...

In what way would you prefer that I pay? We don't really barter in gold. No, I mean just a couple more of those gems. You have a few lying around. We can take a few. Maybe just one each. Yes, these sapphires are quite nice. Would you mind giving me an hour to speak with them? No, take your time and I'm happy to negotiate. I'll speak with my counsel. Take some time to eat and be merry. And we'll make a decision for you in due time. An hour? An hour.

That's plenty of time. Thank you. We can play a game of martial discattering. We would... I also love a good game of martial discattering. We would love it if you would stay the evening with us and start your journey in the morning. No, no, yeah, we can absolutely stay. It doesn't have to be right now. I'm just offering you a permanent solution to your problem. And then, hopefully, no one has to miss any more hair. Well, then give us an hour. We'll make a decision and...

then we can spend the rest of the evening enjoying each other's company. I know just how precious hair can be. It's true. It's really quite rude what they do.

I'll reapply my mustache. I'll see you soon. And she moves, she makes her way over and you watch as they all move into her monolith and they disappear from sight. And you are left alone at the top of Lockberry Henge for roughly an hour. The fire is roaring in the middle. There is a pot and a bunch of things to cook if you decide you want to do as such. And you have time to make a plan for how you are going to kill the Brigandox.

Whoa, can you believe these guys play Marshall the Scattering? I wonder if they play Warlord. My Warlord is Richie the Unfaltering. Can I pull out a card that's literally just Richie?

It's hologram. Wow. That's amazing that you've been able to keep it in mint condition. Yeah. Despite all of our adventures. I didn't see that. We swam through swamps. I mean, crazy stuff. That's impressive. Tap and sacrifice Richie and staple a condom to a piece of paper. That's wild. How much did you spend on that?

Dorbeck doesn't have to tell you, man. It's a piece of cardboard. How much is it going to be worth? It was an investment. For what? It will be worth more someday. I look at it. Is it, like, creased? No, it's actually in very good condition. It's in surprisingly good condition. Well...

He's relatively handsome, I guess. No. He's got a good jaw. Nice set of hair. I put it in its protective box and I put it back in my filthy sack. And it's like very weirdly modern. Yeah! It's like a different art style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah! It's out of place in this world. It's CGI in a 2D... Oh my god.

As you're having this conversation, Kremi, you feel a tap on your back, a very gentle tap tap. And as you turn around, you see Amdapor standing there behind you. And he seems to be, he seems to have everything that he has normally on him strapped to his back.

Could we have a quick conversation between the two of us? Oh, yes. You are the leader of this merry group of fellows. Well, from a certain point of view, I suppose that's true. What's on your mind, Fel? I have been here dancing alongside you, but going mostly unnoticed, which is fine.

Very fine. No, that's just fine. Yes, but I have overheard that you have a new goal in mind to get directly into Motherhorn, and I really must find Gleam. And I was... Well, I know that it is a... I don't want to cause any trouble, but you don't seem to need me. Wasn't Gleam in the mines? I thought we were killing two birds with one stone. Yes, yes, I did believe that to be so, but it does not sound like that might be the case any longer. Oh, well...

At least from what Polinella is telling me in her stealth missions overnight. What? She goes on stealth missions too? Well, yes, she's a bee. Well, is she looking for employment? Gainful employment? She's employed by me. Three square meals a day? You can feed her thrice? I certainly can. You can't even feed Torbeck thrice?

Well, that's more of a choice. It's not about capability. Yeah, exactly right. We're friends, I believe, yes? All of us? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Polanella would be at your disposal any time you needed her. Well, if y'all-- how about this? Let's say she offers us this job.

You don't look like a cord, right? You could blend in with the rest of us. You come. Let's all cut some throats. I mean, I feel like old Bumpernella with that stick. I am afraid of going back to Motherhorn so soon if Gleam is not in the cave. I think we should split up.

Oh. And then, if you do not find Gleam in the cave, I have one other place. Yes, I'm sorry, my darling, but we must go back. There is beekeeping cyclops. Oh. I do believe that Gleam may have headed that way, hoping to find me. I don't want to miss out on the beekeeping cyclops that you caught. I want to fuck that guy up. Can we cut his throat, too? Insult to injury. I added to the list. I do believe that I must retrace my steps.

and just guarantee that she is not missed. Are you at any risk facing this cyclops? Would you be able to take him in a fight? In a fight, no, but I am very clever, and I was able to rescue Polanella. I do believe that I could encounter him again and make my way out safe and sound.

So I would like to give you this. And he passes you what looks to be a hardened piece of honey in a teardrop shape. It looks almost like an earring. And he shows you that he has one on as well. You can use this to communicate with me. If you happen to find Gleam inside of the caves, I would rush straight to your side. I'm quite quick on my own, especially with Paul and Ella by my side.

If you do not find her, you can let me know and I can continue my search if she's not at the beekeeping cyclops. Wait a minute. Are we going to miss out on the beekeeping cyclops adventure if we don't go with you right now?

Yes. This is really the way to put this. No, I don't want to miss out on that. We can kill the brigandards at a later time. Yeah, that's exactly what I was just about to say. Why don't we get into the talk-offs? It was important to my new favorite character because he's literally the epitome of the meme of nice muscles, bro. She let me hit because I'm goofy.

Oh, God.

I love this guy. Well, I mean, so here's the thing, right? This whole, you know, eternal blood feud, this seems to have been going on for, you know, years, maybe centuries, who knows? So I feel like if you need help now, we can go, you know, I feel like missing out on that. Sure, Deidre, we want to help you. You were nice enough to give us the toilet tents. Did you say toilet? The tents with the strange toilets in them.

I'm not sure. It's only been a few hours. What? Dunkle the tail, please. In he goes. LAUGHTER

The magical tents that you gave us, they were, they were very strange, but very nice in combination. There were some, there were some. Our connection is magical.

Am I hearing this in my mind right now? Yeah. You've achieved harmonic resonance with the toilet. It can always reach you. By the end of Witchlight, if every single one of you does not have a Mikey NPC speaking into your brain, we've done something wrong. You're right. You're right. Jimmy and us juggles. Derek

has the magical toilet, so who knows what's next. The eldritch magical toilet with no name. I think, Cremi, we could bring back the implant also. I don't fucking want to kill you! Oh my god! It's your own Grawlin. It's your version of Grawlin. Oh my god.

Well, it's not that I need to take care of... I'm not going to do anything harmful to the beekeeping sandlops. I'm simply going to return to see if Gleam went looking for me. But now, my concern is that I don't want to enter Motherhorn without making sure that Gleam is safe. Well, neither do we.

If we would all like to travel to the Briganox and... Yeah! That would be fine. No, I'm saying... But if Gleam is not there before we enter Motherhorn, we would have to go to the beekeeping section. Well, they'll all be dead. I mean, the caves will be clear. We can come and go whenever we want. So my point is, if you want to come and check there, we'll kill some Briganox...

Is she there? Is she not? Right. Either way, if she's not, we'll go deal with it. We'll help you with the Cyclops and then we'll come back. You would really like my company? Yeah, we're not really in a time rush right now. It'll be fine. Yeah.

There's really no reason to rush. That means a great deal to me, Mr. LeCru. A great deal. Well, it's my honor. And so I feel like we can make sure everybody's happy at the end of all this. What do you think, fellas? Okay. I feel like that's the best of both worlds. We get to do the brig knots in and then you still get the beekeeping. It is true that it is most likely that Gleam will be inside those mines. Unless...

I propose that we platinum this yawn. I... The reptile's yawn. Is everybody else feeling... I got him. They actually got me. Well, I think either way it's getting late. We need to wait to see what the queen comes back with.

Yeah. I need to change my subclass too. When are you going to change it to? I'm thinking the moon. I'm really suddenly into the moon right now. The moon? Yeah, the moon is looking really nice. Tell us about the moon. Oh, no.

There are a lot of phases. Oh. I'm really thinking out where you're going with this. It's responsible for the tides. Yeah. You're going like... Are there three phases or are there four? I always forget. As you're having this conversation, a bolt of lightning strikes and you watch as it connects against all of the...

the moon beacons that are in the air. And you watch as Motherhorn illuminates for a second. But you also notice as tendrils of lightning jolt down towards the Fey Beacons on the plateau below. And you watch as all of them illuminate for a split second.

And then you can see in the air around you these little electric crackles, and I need every single one of you to roll a D100 for me, please. What are you talking about? I'm guessing this is a goofy roll, so I'm going to roll my goofy hundo. I got a 50 on the dot. I got a 30 on the dot. Oh. Seventy-five on the dot. Hold on, let me write it down. Okay.

30. You said 50? 50 for me. Torbec? 30. Grinko? 75. Wow. I think at least 25% of our fan base thinks that his name is Grinko. I see Grinko more than I see Grinko. That's what I mean! Grinko's very common. Grinko, yeah. That's what I've been saying, Grinko. Gideon, what did you get? Gideon, what did you get? 34.

Uh, frost. Seven. Thank you. That's all. Well, that's a nightmare. So it's the plan, and then we are going to convince the queen that we are going to kill the Briganox, and then we are going to...

Do it! Instead go to the Cyclops or are we gonna clear the cave first? I just wanna make sure we're clear. We're gonna kill those horrible brigandots! Yeah! I think what Amdapor is saying is that Amdapor and Bumpanella are gonna come with us to the caves. We're gonna kill all the brigandots. With rocks! Violently! There's something about throwing rocks that really gets Torbjorn going.

Next time we go, I'm going to show you a special rock-throwing maneuver. Okay. I didn't showcase Nats. I feel like I need a clear shot. That's fine. Is it the throw to the sidearm thing that you always do? No, it's a special move. It's the sidearm thing. Ah! Shut up! Torbjorn's going to get a slightly bigger rock, and then with his ten-foot arm, smash their skulls in! Yeah! What's the over-under that the Brigham Knox are actually incredibly cute, like little Furbies?

Then it'll be easier to kill! Alright. If that's the case, Torbac's gonna make shoes out of them. You guys are really on a different wavelength right now. You do need to-- No, we're on the very same wavelength! We wanna kill Brigandok from rocks! Yeah, that's fair. I mean, I'm ready to kill Brigandok, I'm just making shoes out of them. Torbac's never thrown a rock before and it's changed to Torbac. Yeah, I mean, really do have the arms for it. Yeah!

I feel like you would be a really great at throwing rocks at a group of soldiers riding on horses toward you making their last stand. Oh, yeah. Yeah, as the soldiers rage. Jormungandr can feel it deep in his being. I feel like we're going to make a lot of monkey trouble in those mines. Yeah, Jormungandr can make a baseball reference. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. It's very mystery, mysterious about it. Yeah. Yeah, okay. How do they know about baseball? What the fuck is baseball? Okay.

It's a little bit of inside baseball. A little bit. Goblin stuff. Goblin stuff. Every time, man. Goblins. So does that sound good? All right. So you and Bumper Nell will come with us.

Do you keep calling her Bumble-Nella? Well, yeah. Isn't that a name? It's Polly. Polly-Nella. Oh, Polly-Nella. You know, it's kind of close. She's a bumble. You've got to cut me some slack on that one. Bumble-Nella's a good name, right? Bumble-Nella? Yes, it's lovely. She doesn't seem to mind. I just wanted to verify. Is Bumble-Nella a sister's name, perhaps? That's possible. The beekeeping cyclops did have quite a few bees there. Didn't you ask, Bumble-Nella?

I mean, I could, but it could be a touchy subject. I don't want to get between either of you. I'll ask her. I'm getting the sense that you can't-- That would be crazy. That would be crazy. What a blood-- It's all body language, that's my remarkable thing. Her outlook, unsure. Outlook, unsure. Ah, yes.

Well, we'll find out. I don't think they can communicate. Is it just a bee that just follows him around? He just grabbed her and shook her. Or Oswin. Outlook untrue. This story is getting really complex. What the heck? I've never seen anybody do that before.

I've seen a grown Daniel on and shake a bee in the sound of it. I think I'm going to wildly shake it. Griggo, what secrets do you have to share with us? This is good news. We can be bees.

Wow. But how long will we live? We'll live for 30 years. We could be a bee. I feel like I'm suddenly feeling... Oh, God.

Okay. You have to swap right here. There's a cliff right over here. I feel like I've got a couple of concussions. Concussions. Make sure they get plenty of rest. Okay, I'll get plenty of rest. That's a good idea. Make sure you sleep immediately. Let's go to bed. We all stay awake. Griggo does his sleep.

I think we have an alignment. We've got a side quest on top of the side quest. If we do two side quests at once, then we'll be doing much better than we normally do. Torbjorn. Even if it does mean that we've become hired killers. As Frost says this to you, you begin to lower yourself to the ground. You can only move by crawling around on all fours, and the crawling is always creepy and unsettling. Again.

Don't stop, Frost. The last time you did this, you grew a strange mask and you whispered into my ear about brains. That's coming next. I hope that it does not. I feel like he does this all the time. This is just too old-fashioned. This feels kind of normal. Look at him, yeah. It's weird that I can't hear the witchlights sloshing in your tanks. It's like, well, is she in a water bottle? The witchlight is stored in the balls. Ha ha ha ha!

And it's interesting that he says this right now, Gideon, because you become incredibly gullible and you believe everything you were told. Oh, man, the witch knight's torn your balls? I thought it was the day! I don't think I would trust that. Wait, how do you...

But I don't get it. But how do you get it out when you start fighting, man? It just starts jimmying up here. Just straight up from the core. You know how that works. In the pelvic floor. You just get right.

- Oh, you're one sick, sore bitch, man. Oh, I knew you were messed up, but that's just crazy. - Frost. - No way. - You are so sick of these stupid, why is Torbek doing that again? It's inconvenient. Why, Gideon, what is his obsession with sperm? - Oh, God, I'm an asshole again. - You are the epitome of the deadly sin of wrath. - I'm theme for the last couple episodes.

Will you both stop that? I'm getting tired of you guys talking about Dormax Balls. Every hour, it seems like. Well, I guess we do talk about Dormax Balls a whole lot. It's an important topic of conversation. Just because they're more visible when he's on his all fours doesn't mean that we should be talking about it. I mean, it's just the fact that when he gets on his all fours, he always turns his hindquarters to us, and they hang down like truckers. Yeah, yeah.

He looks like a pit bull in heat. I feel like I'm watching Brighton Bridges and there's a pig walking by. Just wait until Torbett puts on his 50-day showers. Please don't. It makes me very upset. You are watching this unfold, Kremit. You can't understand why no one is taking this seriously. You have all become the undead.

That's way more important than the balls that Tormek is showing off to everybody on all fours. And does this seem like, it's not a new thing, it just feels like we've all been undead for some time? No, you're watching as your friends are turning into the undead and they don't seem to notice. Oh no, my contingency plan. This is too soon, what happened? No!

Oh, hey, fellas, how's it going? Oh. It's going pretty good, man. Yeah. You know? Feel good? What's going on? I mean, I'm feeling good. Are you feeling good? You seem a little unsettled. No, I'm feeling-- and are we all undead? Even you.

Okay. No, I'm good. I'm fine. How are you guys doing? Well, okay. I was gonna-- Talking about nuts and pitbulls. Yeah, exactly right! Torbjörn's got a huge butt! Can you roll again for me, please? I like extra hairy coconuts. We really should cannon out here in Old Town. I mean, not 50. Well, 44 is already fucking crazy. It already is. Yeah, I know. The damage is done, Mr. Red. Too far gone and all that. That's right.

You know what, I will actually, I'll keep your original one because I think it'll play well with Kremi's. You believe you are dead and that no one can see or hear you even if they say otherwise. Oh no. Oh no. It finally happened. What? I always knew that I would pass on of a silent heart attack in my sleep. Oh no.

That congenital heart defect that I never got taken care of. Wait, so you know? You had a congenital heart defect and never got taken care of and you died in your sleep? Oh, my friend, I'll never speak to you again. Wait, so you know you're dead right now? Oh... Why won't you talk to us ever again? I have to learn how to be a spooky ghost. Well, it's more like a rotting skeleton. Oh, I can't believe...

I can't believe that my friend will never speak to me again. Will you shut up, Graco? I guess I better spend some time working on how to be a ghost. That's pretty good. Clearly not a ghost. Spot on.

Wow, that's very spooky, Gregor, good job. And as this is happening, our gauntlet makes her way out of the stone monolith. All right, we've come to a decision. It's like giant sweet nuts. And as she walks out, you see this undead Korid walking towards you. All right, mister. Oh my god, you too? I've got your answer. Did I say that?

Manward? Too early? There's no way I said that. Absolutely not. I have to apologize for my friends. They're very embarrassing all of the time. Are you feeling okay? No, I'm very upset. How are you feeling? You feeling good? You feeling like regular and normal and like flesh-having and definitely alive and stuff? What's going on, man? Why are you asking everybody about them having flesh and whatnot? I'm just making sure. Wait, do you have flesh? Yeah, I think so.

But not like desiccated and dry, like creepy zombies? No, I mean, I think it looks kind of normal to me, I mean. What color is it? Uh, you know, red. Okay, okay, good. Well, okay, maybe this is just a, you know, a... Feet, you're not a bug. All right, okay, now, what do you think? Well, we've decided that we would love to have your help and...

the demise of the Briganox, and we're happy to offer you each one of our stones. All right. We'll spend a little bit of time repairing all of them, and we'll provide them to you in the morning before you leave. Are you feeling all right, Griggo? I'm just gonna walk up behind her. Is there a reason you're breathing down my neck? What are you doing, Griggo? Griggo, that's rude. I'm gonna walk over. I'm gonna walk over. Is there, like, a corner?

I'm going to look, I'm going to try to find a corner. Maybe if there's like two stones that are kind of like corners. Sure. Shay, I'm going to walk over. I'm just going to stand there. Man, if someone takes a photo of us, it'd look so spooky. I'm going to look so spooky if someone takes a photo of me. He's had a long day. It would seem like. Would you like to stand up? Oh, no.

It can be comfortable being down there like that. Torbek's quite comfortable. He gets a lot more airflow on certain parts of his body. You're not sex hanging in the wind, boy. That's right. Yeah. Feature, not a bug. No, but there is a bug right there next to him. That's normal. Ignore that. All right.

I'm gonna lie, I'm gonna go... Well, we'll see you soon. Well, should we have, like, I don't know, play some ominous jazz and, you know, maybe a couple of trombones here and there and, you know, just party? Why not, right? Because that sounds like it would be an awful time. Sure. And then she calls out the rest of the Briganox and they don't know how to play ominous jazz, but they start playing their music again and they all start to dance around the... Eh, this is close enough. There's nothing to do when you're dead. How does he know? I guess if no one...

I guess if no one can see me, that means I can get naked and run around. No, Griggo, no, we can't see you. Griggo, stop it. Oh, my. Stop it. Wait, I can't see Griggo? I could have sworn I could see him just swaying in the breeze. We've got enough balls out already. We've got enough balls out. They're going to start throwing rocks. God damn it. You know, why is it? Am I just imagining Griggo naked? There's never.

You ghost. I've never had this dream before. He's an embarrassment to us all. He's always the wisest of us. Ooh.

Gurgoverlin is at a party. Do you have some kind of private shelter I could go into? I would really like to spend some time with myself. We all have tents, Fjord. Thank you, Jesus. Our guard is dancing around in circles. I will immediately pop out my tent and disappear. You do, and as you step inside, the tiled floor meets you first. The stark white walls is...

you head over to the sink that is in the corner of this, and you're able to wash your hands. The lone stall is off to the side.

I knew you'd be back. Don't say a fucking word, Toilet. Don't say a fucking word. You kept me waiting. This is my least favorite bit with him. I agree. This is my favorite moment every time it comes out. Every time. It makes me so upset. I'm so uncomfortable.

I walk over, I turn the water off, and I flush so that he doesn't have any water in the tank. That's what you get. I'm going to go take a nap. Thank you. It's funny that he's dipped off for all that alone time after Griggo and Torbett got naked.

Why does he have that one cut out in his pants? I always wonder, but maybe this is why, you know? Don't worry, we don't have to conserve water here. It's magic. Please, please stop talking. How does this end? How does this end? Eat no more.

My humble eternal essence, my faith. I go insane and I burst into flames like the father from Hereditary. LAUGHTER

Oh god. No, I try to push him out of my mind, and then, despite my wrathful brain, I will endeavor to meditate and try to calm myself, feeling the hatred that I feel towards everything around me. You do, you sit on the tile floor. The toilet, everything. And the toilet continues to speak to you.

Every time you start to get into that moment where you feel like you can meditate and you start to calm your mind, the toilet will say something and then your rage will start anew.

And this happens for about another 30 minutes or so. You deal with this until the electricity in the air that was tinged with the little bits of witch light, those pink lightning arcs that were shooting across the sky, you eventually notice those fade and you're able to take in a deep breath of cold human, or cold, moist air.

Well, why don't we turn in and maybe have a nice dinner, what do you think? Although I guess I've never been undead before. Do the undead need to eat? I guess it depends on the kind of undead. I mean, you'd be the one to say. Well, I don't know. I mean, what am I gonna do if I don't have to eat? Well, things would be pretty bleak. I mean, eating's half the fun. Wait, do I even have to breathe anymore? I guess I could just stop breathing.

- This doesn't feel very natural. - Are you breathing right now? - I will stop breathing. - You stop breathing? - Huh, it's kind of uncomfortable, but I can still talk, I guess. Just like any spooky magical skeleton or zombie. - Are you really holding your breath right now? - Yeah, no, I'm not breathing right now. - You're not breathing at all right now? Why? - Yeah, why don't you try? - Roll a constitution saving throw, both of you. And you would be at a disadvantage because you're gullible, so you believe everything he says. - Oh, wow. Mace is really going for it.

For the podcast listeners at home, Mace is holding his nose and I think actually holding his breath. He's done now. I got a 12. Okay. Con save? Yeah. 19. Huh. This feels kind of weird. You have about... I pass out. You are, oddly enough, you're able to hold your breath far longer than you expected. Cremmy, you eventually pass out. I would...

But I'm grave touched. Oh. You actually don't have to. Sleep or breathe. Amazing. Then you don't. It's a feature I gain at level six. You know what? We'll switch that because you're gullible. You're watching him. He is just holding his breath and holding his breath. And if that's true, if you really don't have to breathe and Kremi's not breathing, you know that you can keep going. And so you do 15, 20 minutes pass and then you pass out.

Gid? You haven't been talking for the last 15, 20... No, Gid! Oh my god, wait. Do you need to breathe? It doesn't make any sense. Oh god, what have I done? How do I do this? And I start giving the Heimlich maneuver because I don't know what I'm doing. Gid! Gid, please! Grickle, help! Help! Grickle, help me! He's choking! He's a naked ghost. I'm gonna walk over naked. Yeah.

Can you still use your magic as an undead? And you'll see Gricko lean over him with his finger. He walks in the, he draws in the dirt and it says H. O. Please! Please, Gricko, what are you doing? I. L. E. D. E.

What does that mean? They'll know that I'm getting done from the afterlife saying hello. What does it mean? Torbek understands this might be an emergency, but when you make food tonight, Mr. Kremi, just put Torbek's in a bowl on the floor. Torbek can't use his hands. What's going on? What have I done? Oh no. Kid's dead.

Are you actually, are you just joshing me? Are you just playing? You are clearly undead. You do not need to breathe. You can stop laying around. It's at this time that your curse has faded. I don't need to breathe. You guys, I'm dead. You okay? Oh man, I'm seeing stars. Oh, my head's sweating. And why is Gricko naked? Oh.

Guardian, I am... I am... U-R-G-A-R-D-E-N... Engl. Nice. Now they'll know that I'm watching over them.

This is a lot better when I saw you as a totally desiccated zombie corpse. There wasn't anything flailing around, but this is a lot less pleasant. You're still naked. Uh-oh. I'll have you know, this is very average for a goblin. As I climb a hell bottle of weight in my clothes.

I'll come out of this head. I finally was able to meditate and relax. I feel much better.

I turn around and I leave and I go back into my tent. Well, we're not zombies anymore, right? What do you think, fellas? Were we ever zombies? Yeah, we were all zombies for a little bit. Even she was. Even all of them were. Tori will still just take his food in a bowl on the floor. Oh. Oh. Well, forget anything I said about contingency plan or not needing to eat or breathe or anything. Okay. Okay.

I always found I like contingency shirts. They're very nice and soft. Put some fucking clothes on. Oh. I mean, it kind of feels freeing. That's why Dormax is staying on all fours. I feel like it's a bit constraining to wear these now. That's right. I gave away one of the tents, didn't I? Yeah. Well, Dormax.

No, you have yours. I don't think I do. I didn't give her yours. I didn't buy mine. We only bought three of them. Oh, we didn't buy yours. And I gave one away. So I definitely don't have a 10. So Gricko has a 10, Frost has a 10, and we have a 10. Yeah. Gricko has a 10? I don't know.

Right? I can't remember. Oh, I did! Because he was threatening to kidnap Uzi. That's right. And steal her. Yeah, I think I bought everyone but... You did buy Torbjorn's tent. Yeah, it was funny. It was funny. So we have three tents now. We have three tents. I'll come back now. Okay, fine. Well, I was gonna go in my tent, but... Well, I'm going to set up all of the tents, so... Oh, you'll set up ours, too?

No, I'm going to set up the tents that I have, and I figured that those of you that don't have tents could use them for the night. May I ask you a favor? Sure, of course, Frost.

Could we exchange tents? There's something wrong with mine. Yes, no, of course. Here, I'll give you this one. Thank you. And you take that one. This is going to be much better. I'm not sure what was flawed about that tent, but it'll be nice to get a peaceful rest here. Torbeck appreciates you offering a tent, but Torbeck didn't really like the experience of the tent and thinks that sleeping under the stars is a little nicer than the dump. Well, so who's going to stay in which tent?

I think the three of us have a tent, man. They're two out. What? Dormick's gonna sleep under the stars. I have a tent. You have a tent? You didn't give your tent up for Hootsie? No, I got it. We had to find gold or something. Oh, man. I forget who has tents. All right. Raise your hand if you have a tent. You gotta share one. You guys share one. Yeah, you share one. You don't have one, Gideon.

You share one with Grammy. Unless he's the one sleeping under the stars, you're going to have to bunk up with one of us. Yeah, but he gave yours away to that little goblin girl. Oh, I gave the A10 away, but yeah, it was, he was good. Oh, man! It looked like a--

Texas Roadhouse in the middle of the night. That was very homey, man! Food stock bar, animal heads all over the walls. I mean, the roads were pretty nice. The roads were great, man! They were really nice. Oh, it was tacky and I hated it. What? What do you mean? Look, mine's way nicer when I throw it out. It's got an eight-range gas stove. It's just a kitchen.

That's a pretty fancy kitchen, Grammy. What are you cooking up in here, man? I can stir-fry Mongolian beef at 800 degrees. Oh, boy! For fun. If no one...

If no one is complimenting on how surprising my physique is, I'm gonna go back into my tent that now looks like a Rainforest Cafe with a couple hammocks out. I'll comment, your physique is incredibly surprising. You look inside of Kuriko's tent, you see the animatronic gorilla from Rainforest Cafe.

Every 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much dry ice do you think they go through? That's remarkable. Okay. I cook dinner. I offer to everyone who would like to eat.

Most of the Khorids enjoy your meal and they seem very pleased by it and eventually the party winds down and they all make their way back to their individual monoliths and each of you finds your way slowly, one after another, heading to bed. Kremi and Gideon sharing their tent, Torbek beneath the stars, Omdipoor makes his way into his tent with Polinella and eventually Frost-- With great trepidation. You make your way back into your tent.

And as you step inside, your feet hit on the tile floor. What? The white fluorescent lighting. I exchanged it. This isn't supposed to happen. There is time now. I am omnipresent.

Three construction workers break down, tearing the walls down, and you see room 1408 on the door. Wow. Good poem. Good poem. Wow. This is a nightmare. And you all get a long rest. Oh!

This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Avantris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas. Shroud over salt mark.

You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. You all enjoy a long rest. Some of you, it's enjoyable more than others.

But you do wake up and you're able to make your way outside of your tents and it looks the same as it had the night before. Overcast. The sky is filled with clouds. The lightning strikes continue to charge up Motherhorn on the mountain far to the north.

The, um, the Khorids are nowhere to be seen, all except for Queen Argantel, who is over by the crown's board, setting up a new game and muttering to herself, and she notices you as you begin to move about, and she has in her hands a satchel that is clearly full of some more of these luck stones. Mm.

Well, I hope you had a nice night's sleep. Morning. Morning. Good morning. Oh, good morning. How'd you sleep? I slept all right.

Damn Briganox were loud as per usual. I mean, they're gonna be real quiet pretty soon. I slept great. So was the grave. I mean, I was sleeping good, but every 30 minutes-- How's your wee willy winky? It was out in the wind for quite about an hour last night. You know what they say, you get a little bit of sun on it. You get a little bit of wind on it. I've got a balm for that. It's good for your health. I'm health maxing these days. I mean, I'm old enough that I gotta start health maxing.

Everything's good. All right, well, here's your luck stone. Oh, in advance. I assumed that you were good for your word. Absolutely. I believe that we're magically compelled once we make an agreement like this, right?

I'll take mine. And she passes out each of your stones. I already have mine. I'll take a second. You know what? I'll hold on to the extra one. We just get one? I already have an item that functions like a stack. It is, yes, because it doesn't require attunement.

- That's disgusting. - Well technically you're only supposed to get one, but I'm the DM and I can do what I want. - I'm just, 'cause I had gotten from saving that guy from the cage, he gave me that rose. - Yeah, yeah, no, for this one specifically, it's in the module, you're only supposed to get one. - I see, oh, oh, I misunderstood what you were saying. - But I'm the DM, I can do whatever I want and give each of you one or two or three if I choose. - No, no, obviously you're-- - I'll pay the price for it later. - Wait a minute.

I'll take the actual one, he's already got two. I'll take the two. Yeah, there we go. You remember that I have two. And she'll hand it over to you. Is this called a luck stone? Stone of good luck. You search luck stone and it will not show up. Yeah, stone of good luck. This is very annoying. All right, Omdenpour, you ready to...

Well, yes, Paul and Ilana had a nice night's sleep. I'm feeling quite refreshed. I would like a steaming cup of coffee if anyone would like to join me around the fire. We could share a good story or a wax philosophical if you would like. Yeah, make some coffee, why don't you? Well, I suppose I could. Would you like a dollop of honey in yours?

Oh, honey and coffee, huh? Yes. You know, I've had honey and tea. I've never thought to put honey in coffee. Why has no one ever done that? I don't know. Not sure. They do it every morning. Not sweet very well. No, I said great.

I feel like every 30 minutes I was woken up by a violent rainstorm and howling gorillas and elephants. That's very funny. Nice. That seems self-inflicted. Here we go. I don't know why that was happening. Oh, gosh. I think Gideon's percolating. Oh, I can't wait.

Well, should we plan? Is there a specific angle we should enter the cave to stay as stealthy as possible? Well, it's...

"Oh, no, you're not talking to me. I'll go make the coffee." "Do they sleep? Like, shouldn't we go under the cover of darkness if we're slit in throats?" "I'm not sure. I'm not sure if they sleep. They're making noises at all hours of the day." "Oh, they're definitely evil then." "It's possible that they work in shifts to be absolute nuisances."

They work in shits? In shifts. Oh. Okay, shifts, shifts. Well, who the heck cares? We'll just burst in the front door and kill them straight to their faces. Well, there are two things that I, well, three things I can tell you about getting down there. First off, this is going to be a treacherous, perilous journey. The cliffside is quite steep and there's really no way around just brute force in it.

When you get down to the bottom, you'll find some statues of Khorids. We place those down there to make them afraid of leaving the mine. They are harmless. You can avoid, you can just walk around them. Did it work? They haven't left, so. They just stay nearby and make this sound. There's no kind of like protection magic or some kind of curse or hex or nothing? No. They're just spooky statues? They're just statues of us, yes. Oh.

But there is something you'll need to do to get in. They've placed an enchantment on the entrance of the mine. Oh, shit. And you'll have to make a wish to enter.

Oh, I was hoping for speak friend and enter, but... So you might have to, you might want to take some time to think about it. I do believe it has some sort of ramification, so make sure what you're wishing for is sound and true. Torbjorn knows what he's going to wish for. We're just going to wish for something in the mouth of this cave and it's going to grant it and then we get to go in and kill all the brigandots? I'm not saying it's going to grant your wish. I'm saying you have to offer up a wish. It could take it away for all I know. Oh, God.

Well, it's always tricksier. Torbek has a plan. It literally can't fail. Torbek's ready. I'll write a wish. That's all it takes. That's all it takes to get in. And then you'll be the whims of the Briganox. We can't help you once you're inside. But we will be with you in our hearts. So just know that should you ever make your way back up to Lockberry Henge, you've got an entire kingdom. Queendom.

Well, I'll be back for perhaps another game sometime in the future. And I will be prepared to win this one.

Franketh. Well, I appreciate that. And, you know, who knows if we ever decide to make a move against old Bitterand, we may need some... We would march alongside you gladly. Oh, heck, that's cool. If you put together an army and you go to war against the old hag.

That's not the plan right now, but that's, you know, planned. It might happen, though. It may not not happen. You should be prepared for that. You should absolutely be prepared. He will blow the horn of war. Yeah. And I'm just practicing the ABCs like I always do, so I'm just trying to think, you know, contingencies and contingencies. Yeah, Kermit's really good at the ABCs. Cs. Cs. Cs. Cs. Cs. Yeah.

Thought it was a B skis DS I Mean what's after DS you can't get any further than the alphabet is the prep to ease I mean that would make sense the lunchable progression of the alphabet being I suppose I'm gonna know no master of the alphabet, but why is it not ease these C's Hmm still stuck on the DS the world may never know

Anyways. Is coffee done? I'm done. Oh yes, the coffee is done. No, no, my coffee's done. All right, I'm the poor, all right? Would you like a-- You mean one fucking cup, kid? No, I meant, well yeah, I mean one cup. What, you guys all want a coffee? Make a whole ass fucking

Every coffee cup I make is made with love. Would you like a little bit of cinnamon for your hot temper?

I'm not a hot temper. I'm a level-headed. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. He's got a job. Is he flying off the head? No, he didn't. No, I'm not always flying off the head. Why are you guys over there looking at me like that? I think, I mean, Gideon's the kind of guy to get court-ordered anger management. Ha, ha, ha.

After causing grievous permanent injury. All right, ready? My son's ready. Hey, Gideon, did you forget to take your denial pills today? What do you mean I don't take denial pills? No, I don't take denial pills, man. You forgot to take your denial pills. No, I don't. Torbic, I don't take denial pills. No, what do you mean?

No, we're in the middle of an adventure! No, stop doing that! Stop doing that! You didn't win this! He's so forgetful in the anger. Give me the cinnamon! He starts to grate some cinnamon over your coffee. Damn it! Would you like a dollop of cream? Well, that sounds pretty nice, actually. He puts a dollop of cream and he passes you a steaming mug of coffee. I'm going to take one fucking cup of coffee.

All right, we're getting the pot now, okay? I'll get started on the rest. No, no, no, you sit down. I've got the coffee, Gideon. Oh, okay. Well, all right. That's been shuffled off the omelette board. So hopefully it's a good pot. I'm going to get omelette.

You know what, it's gonna be nice, all right? He's got like honey and bees. And he works on one coffee at a time, but each one he does with love. Would you like some cinnamon as well? I know I'll take some honey and cream, actually. Absolutely, one dollop of honey and a little bit of cream. One dollop or two of the cream? Oh, dollops of cream. I'll take two, you know what? Right, an extra dollop for you, Kribby. And he passes you a coffee with two dollops of cream.

- Torbeck? - Yeah? - Would you like some coffee? Or would you, you know what, for you, would you-- - Me? - Would you like to eat the grounds? - This is the greatest day of Torbeck's life. - He gives you a cup filled with grounds and then the honeycomb that doesn't have the honey in it anymore, there's still a little bit, but it's the comb itself and he puts that in there. - Just mash that shit in there.

Here you are, Torbeck. Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr! Grr

Could you marry a couple hot Jones? Absolutely. What, you have hot Jones here? Nice! Yes. You see he takes the Jones out of his pocket and as the Jones is screaming, he's pounding it into a pulp inside of a mortar and pestle. Oh my God! Oh my God! My burn! Dad!

You're killing me! No! No, please! You're dying! Fucking Grinko. And he makes you a steaming mug of hot Jones. Would you like a dollop of cream or some honey or some butter? Oh. I'm health maxing, so I'll take some butter. He slices off a pad of butter and he watches it melt into the hot Jones and he passes it to you. That's pretty funny.

Frost, would you like some coffee? Buttery hot Jones. Hot butter Jones. Would you like a warm saucer of cream? Actually, if you could just drown my Jones in a mug of milk. Absolutely. He reaches in, he pulls out another Jones and starts to scream as he drops it into

- A boiling pot of milk. - Frosty likes his with pulp. - He takes the spoon and he's like, every time it screams and raises above the frothing milk, he lowers it down. - Oh, but not just pulp. Make sure it's some pulp. With how angry he's been lately, I don't wanna piss him off. - Oh yeah, yeah. - I can handle it. - He likes you with some pulp. - He takes the slotted spoon and begins to smash the Jones against the edge of the pot. Oh, make sure there's a healthy amount of pulp. - But not too much.

Not too much. I appreciate it. Thank you. And then he passes it to you. Thank you. Hot butter Jones. Y'all look sick fucks. No, you just don't have any taste. You haven't been hot Jones peeled yet. You know? Don't worry. It's still time. You need to try this. Yeah, don't worry. It's filled with protein. Anyways, we should be going.

What do you think, fellas? I got sprinkles on mine. I thought you were health-mactic soon. I'm better at cheating. That's what he says every morning. Man, it's fun using a sugar substitute.

Oh no, it's Mount Dital! Oh, whoa, Pringles? Pringles is gonna be shittin' for us. We're gonna be down the mountain now. Oh no. No, it's a mental condition. I have IBS. I be shittin'.

I'll be right back. I'm just going to go back to my tent. I open the door. I should have told him to go to my tent. LAUGHTER

- We go down the, what you call it? - The treacherous deep cliffs. - You spend about an hour. - Rock face? - Crater. - Crater. - You spend about an hour saying your goodbyes to the Korids. They send you off with a satchel filled with dried meats and cheeses and some breads and some other things to make sure that in your journeys that you are well fed.

They do their best to give you as many pointers as they can, what little they know about the Briganox. You don't learn much more. And it is with joy and a new friendship that you begin to make your way down the cliff face. It is an arduous journey. There are many places where you have to...

genuinely climb down the rock face. So I need you all to make dexterity saving throws to see how well you do traversing this, the first half of this. - Oh my god, I got a 29. - You do pretty well. - What's the check? - Dexterity saving throw. - Oh, save? Which luck stone doesn't affect?

Oh, no, it does. It's plus one saving throws. Oh, it does? Yeah. That's not attack rolls. That's why it's so high. That's why in the book you only give the party one of them. I got a 10. Okay. I got a 26. 23. 24, because I rolled the natural. Jeez. What'd you get? I rolled a 27. I got a 29. I rolled a 19. Wow. We all rolled doubles. What did you roll? A 10. All four of us?

are running down the crowd. Richard, I don't know if you know that, that's your twin brother. Yeah, I don't know why I thought he knew it. That's your twin brother. Every time Jericho finds a foothold, he finds he has to shit his pants. Never trust a fart. You are all making your way down this cliff face.

And you are, including Omdipor, you're all incredibly agile.

Except for Gricko. Before you left, one of the Chorids gave you a bag of gummy Chorids. But you didn't know that they were diet. They were sugar-free gummy Chorids. And you've just been eating them nonstop. I like my chest. And occasionally, you find that you do have IBS, IBS shitting. And it makes it really difficult for you. It doesn't cause you to...

It doesn't cause you to tumble down the rock face, but through the collective helping of your friends who are all doing incredibly well, they are able to-- - My guts are in turmoil. - Brown pants and all get you down to-- - Grigor, you seem cramped and falling.

You seem to be falling to your death. And you smell like you shit your pants three hours ago. Oh, no, this is okay. It's okay. This happens to us far too often. Keep up, Greco. Oh, no.

Just, like, find a rock or something, Graco. Go behind a boulder. Yeah, we can stop. We're all doing fine on this cliff. We can take a break. Is that going to help? We just need to go again. I think it's one of those things we just got to get through. Yeah, we just got to get there. If I ask you, you need help, and you say depends again, then...

Paulinella, if he takes a tumble, can you save him? Are you big enough for that? Well, she's large for a bumblebee, but she could not hold up a goblin of this size. Oh, well, you hear that, Gregor? Well, you don't. That's one wrong move and you're done. That's it. There's no saving you. Actually, wait, hold on. I've got just the solution here. Why don't you take this and I give you my bobbing lily pad.

Can I literally just fly with this? Yes. You begin to plummet as the lily pad requires attunement of an hour. It requires attunement. It requires attunement. I figure you could shit for an hour and then, oh, hey, he's gone. I try to breath the wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo-hoo!

Try to Breath of the Wild, try it! You are luckily, when this happens, close enough to the midway point, this crater lake, as it were, that you do take quite a tumble. You're going to take three points of bludgeoning, fall damage, bludgeoning damage, as you slam into the ground.

But aside from that, you're all able to make it fairly unscathed to this point. And...

Sorry. It is here that you find yourself on this almost like another plateau of the mountain. It is fairly flat aside for the deep crater in the very middle that's been filled with rainwater. Circling around it are these eight incredibly large stone pillars, each one of them topped with a copper brazier.

You see, as you're looking forward, that there is what appears to be a very attractive elf in a boat, or seems elf-like, fey, definitely, in the very middle of this lake, heading towards one of the braziers.

He has some sort of torch in his hand. His skin is a very pale green. From here, you can see that his hair seems to be made out of wisteria flowers, these beautiful purples and pinks, as they hang down almost to the middle of his back. Very wisterious. You see bits of moss clinging to his incredibly elongated ears.

Even from this far, you can see that he is very beautiful. As he heads towards one of these beacons, he's able to dock at the base of it as he scales up the beacon and lights it. He climbs back down, gets back in his boat, heads to the next one. As he's about halfway up to the next beacon, you watch as a...

A group of paratons fly towards the beacon and begin to flap their wings incredibly quickly as the beacon goes out. You hear an exclamation of frustration. You can hear almost like dry sobbing. This person is incredibly devastated, incredibly torn down and beaten.

by this. You see as their body slumps over for just a moment before they continue their climb to light the next one. You watch this happen for four beacons, and you realize that this is the place where the

You were told the prince of the summer court or the spring court or some court of the Feywild was trapped here eternally until they could get all of the beacons lit and they would be able to create a portal back to wherever they wanted to go. That it would unlock the ability for you to create a portal wherever you wanted to go. Looking at this, you think there are

more than enough of you, including him. If each of you took a beacon, you could probably light them all at once. That could be a solution. And you realize that...

Even though you have this plan stretched out for what you're going to do with the Briganox, this is an opportunity. This is a portal to anywhere. If you wanted to go back to the Witchlight Carnival, you could. If you wanted to go back to Ahgwe, you could. If you wanted to go somewhere in the Feywild, somewhere other than Yharn, you could. If you wanted to go to the Palace of Heart's Desire, this could be an opportunity.

And as you watch all of this play out, the Paraton circling ahead of you, you realize that you have a choice that needs to be made here. Do you pass up this opportunity for a portal anywhere? Or do you continue on to the Briganok Mine? And that is where we'll end the session. Oh! What a great session. I was so ready to discuss the decision. That's awesome. No, I think that's a great endpoint. I was so ready, though. I was so ready to do get out.

Don't forget, as soon as we start this section next week, Frost will lean forward and say, do you think his name is Mavis? That's very funny. That's very funny. That's very funny. I got that. Yes, Michael? Dude, sleeping in the Rainforest Cafe, given the sounds of the gorillas and the elephants and the beasts within, does that allow me to change my subclass to Moon Druid?

No, but I allow you to change your subclass to Moon Druid. Oh! I'm going to say, welcome, Krick of the Moon Druid. Welcome, Krick of the Moon Druid. Krick of the Moon Druid. I think we should have some other discussions about certain things. Yeah. Oh!

- Oh, man. - I mean, I'm just gonna say it. I'm gonna say it right here so that we just don't have to worry about it anymore. If you guys need to make changes to your characters so that it's more fun for you, it just automatically has me sealed. - I'm gonna play the UA Mystic. - Just make sure you let me know when you've done it and what it is. Otherwise, yeah, go for it. I don't care.

If you're going to have more fun, then I'm going to have more fun. I'm going to multi-class the UA Mystic into... Except for you, you can do nothing. You can make no choices. That's actually very thematic for the fact that the Eldritch Abomination toilet is corrupted. Yeah, that's right. In your tent. Yeah.

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avantris podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud of Ersalmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com forward slash Legends of Avantris. If you want to chat about the episode with the Avantris community, join us on Discord at legendsofavantris.com forward slash Discord.

We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, so make sure you follow our socials at legendsofevantress.com forward slash social. And make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5e supplement published by us. Get your own copy at thecrookedmoon.com. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.