Uprooted | S2E12 | A Game of Porcelain Thrones
01:45:55 Share

Welcome to Legends of Adventurus. I'm Grumly, and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. It's very important. Step one. Oh, okay. Step one. Should I write this down? Steps, no. Are you taking notes? I got it. I got it. The only way to defeat a demon is with another demon. Okay.

Fucking guide you to death. Oh, shit. We just gotta get some of the swimming pool water close to wherever this Seer Kool Joker is, and then we'll take care of him. Night here will pop him right in the jaw. Ah, night here, rely, rely, fatang, gadnaglion, night here! And then in the flame, you finally see Seer Kool take shape. Uh, you would recognize, it almost looks like the Chihuahua folk that you know.

No. But the meanest hellhound chihuahua leaves out of the flames immediately. You see the fish head just go...

Ha ha! It's us, you're cool. I can't believe we just watched a Damon Bad Boys. So you reign here? Peggy reigns here. Well, as the creator of the universe, that makes sense. You're right. Things are finally going back to the way they're supposed to be. I wish that weird cricket outside that was singing would stop making that strange, demonic noise. What do you mean, it's in there? Oh, you mean in the dog bowl?

I'm sorry, but I should... The red wax baby well, that's growing up inside of you! No, it's not growing up inside of you! You don't know! Is this? Oh, homunculus, it looks identical to crazy frog. But neon and red baby well wax. Life's pretty, whatever you are. Ask me, great bears.

Grumly, you awaken in your room after you all enjoy a long rest. I don't know if anyone use any resources, but you all get a long rest. As you very vividly remember, you feel like you had... You're not sure if you had all that lucid dream.

or if it was real, but you know that there is a grand quest where you feel you are a pug. That's true. You are... You have been bred to be a servile, to the Marquisat, to a bunch of cats, and you've never had kind of a killer's instinct. But now, after experiencing the origin of your people, the Gray Wolf, you feel like you want to kill.

There's definitely a desire to kill that you didn't have before. And you feel like you're kind of awakening and you feel like it might be, should you choose to accept it, the coachman said to meet you to rally the group when you're ready to go out that night to seek and destroy the bears who love shitting.

Is there another name for them that we could use, maybe? The ones who slaughtered his kind.

Oh, yeah, that's a little more palatable. The blue bears. Why are they blue? The bears what love shit, eh? That's better, that's better. Aren't some of them red? Or am I misremembering? They're all blue in this cabin. All right. And you all awaken. I'm gonna look up the Sherman deep lore here. When was the last time we had a long rest? I feel like it's been a while. No, the whole homunculus thing, right? I'm gonna long rest. We've been sleeping every night. I think I might not be...

Take a long rest now. I did, I did. I did. I used Bardic Inspiration. Good. Oh, that's right. That's right, thank you. I was going to say, you also used something to beat the crazy thing in the woods, but then we flopped it three times. Oh, that was just a-- I think that's actually a cantrip. It was like silvery barbs or cutting words. It was a cantrip. That's why I was firing them off every six seconds. Just a cantrip.

- That's kinda nice. - You awaken and you can remember everything, Grumly, except you can't really recall.

Uh-oh. If they were the Shartenstein or the Shartenstein Bears. That's very funny. That's the one thing you can't really remember. No, it was very clear. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it was Shartenstein, but... That's actually very funny. Or Shartenstein. You can't remember, and you're wondering, and that's the opposite of your totem from Inception, where you wonder, oh, was it really all a dream? Oh.

Oh my god, Booker! Booker! Wake up! Yeah, I'm awake, I'm awake. What's up? Tell me, what's going on? You all right? We need to get ready. We need to repair him. Why? Why? Grab your weapons. I don't have a weapon. I don't even have a banjo. Assemble your armor. I've got nothing. I don't wear any armor. You know that. Well, we must go to the armory right away, post haste. What? I have to get fitted for armor? We've been called to a grand quest.

What kind of grand quest? Oh my god. Does it involve margaritas? So you know that whole time, every night I'm like, oh, I keep having these dreams that I go out in the woods and kill a bunch of spiders with that wolf guy that can't speak. You've mentioned it. Well, he can speak! No! Because last night I dreamed again that I was out there, and then all of a sudden he's like...

I am a sultry, sexy wolfman. That's what he said to you. He said, I'm a sultry, sexy wolfman? Basically, he just didn't expect how I sounded. He sounded really cool. Okay. If he did speak, I was expecting, like, me kills spiders. Oh. Like, if he could, you know, if he can't speak at all, I figured if he could end up speaking, he'd be a wolf of few words, you know what I mean? All right, I think I'm with you. I think I'm with you. And so anyway...

initiated me into his pack of wolves. Oh. And he wants me to initiate you into his pack of wolves. Oh, I get to be a wolf? Basically, I think that's how it works. I mean, I don't know if it works like the not here thing where I get some kind of card and there are levels. I just think that's how it works, though. Well, I guess we should, well, okay, one thing at a time here. I mean, I guess, I mean, I'm not gonna leave you hanging. If you need my help, I guess I could join this wolf pack. Oh, so anyway, what he told me is that his whole family was killed by

by terrible monsters of the deep. That's terrible. They're blue bears that like shit. Is that last detail necessary? That seems extraneous. He kept saying it. Really? He kept saying it, really? Are you telling the truth? You put a point on it, I will say. Every time he mentioned the bears, he did say that they did enjoy...

taking down movements. All right, all right. They enjoy it. I'm gonna be honest, I was with you, now I'm not as with you as I was. You're losing me a little bit here. I think I'm keeping up. Anyway, we just gotta kill three bears. What love shooting? Okay, here's the thing. Grumly, look, I'll help you in any way that I can. You know, I'm never gonna leave you hanging here, but I'm not really meant for, like, fighting in battle. Well, I didn't think so either, even though I'm a trained soldier and maybe not. And you wear armor and you have a sword and you're lethal with it.

Look, Booker, I feel like in another life, if I were to give you a knife, you would have no problem stabbing a guy in the back. Okay, I don't really know how to feel about that. Especially if he was like a weird, creepy owl fucking guy. You know what I mean? Well, you know, I like to think when it comes down to it, if I gotta do something, I gotta do it, you know? So imagine... I've really contemplated murder before. So imagine Benji, right? Okay, all right, yeah, I can imagine Benji. That giant, horrible, horrific bear. Yeah. But then there are three of them. Uh-oh. And they're all blue. Uh-oh.

And presumably they're all taken down. And we have to kill them? And we have to kill them. We gotta kill them, of course we gotta kill them. I don't think we can kill one Benji, let alone three that are defecated. Oh no, no, I feel like if we team up with this guy, I didn't get his name. How did you get his name? You forgot to ask. I forgot to ask his name. And you're sure that this happened? This happened. Oh, 100%, it's real. Look at me boots. They're covered in mud.

How strong is this guy? I mean, like, he's gonna have to do the majority lifting. I mean, you're not... Like, Bitsy, Peggy, absolutely lethal.

Jean-Claude, he's a lot closer to me. Like, you know, I don't know how... We don't have a lot of firepower on our side. Well, if you remember in the Forbidden Zone, there was an entire armory of weapons and armor, and now it's not forbidden anymore because it's Paul Peggy's. She can just give us permission to go down there. Okay, well, look, if you think that, you know, getting us suited up and, you know, giving me a... sticking with the pointy end, right, maybe, you know, I'll try it. I just... I don't know how much help I'm gonna be.

Well, if you were to guess what this family of bears were named, what would you guess? I don't know. Think of a reasonable name for a family of bears.

A reasonable name for a family. Well, the only bear I've ever met is Benji, and he didn't give us a name for his group of bears. These are bears that like to shit. They do. The three shitting bears. You know, that's sort of what I expected, right? Something a little more folktale-esque. Yeah, I mean, that's classic. It goes along with storytelling perfectly. No, they're the Schartensteins. What? Yeah, I feel like I could open up the Yellow Pages and find the Schartensteins in there.

but they're just a family of bears what love well this is um this is very enlightening it might have been the sharp and stained bears now that second one is so much more unfortunate

I'm just going to say it. You know what it is, but it makes more sense, doesn't it? Shark stain? Like, you want your last name to be Shark Stain? Well, that's terrible. If it's kind of their whole thing, maybe they own it. You know what I mean? Maybe they own the stains from their sharks. I guess if that's your name, you're not going to, what, embrace it, I suppose.

Maybe it's shot and stained like toys are us. You sure we have to kill them? You sure we gotta kill these creatures? Oh, we gotta kill all three of them. Kill them dead. It's a mythic quest that I've been dead on. I can't say no to that, Booker. How long do we have to prepare for this?

Tonight. I mean, we have a day. So we should get started right away. So like 12 hours, maybe. Yes, yes, maybe. And that's being generous. So that's why. Everybody get up! We gotta kill some shitting bears! I guess we gotta get the others. I'll go get Sean Claude. Hopefully he's not having one of those wet dreams about his brother.

Hey, hey, sicko, wake up. Wake up, you sick fuck. Oh, God. Nobody come over here. I caught him right in the middle of it. I caught him right in the tail end.

Son of a bitch. You know what? John Claude, I'll come back. I'll come back. Don't worry. I'll stay. No, no. Just stay in there. Get yourself up. Get yourself up. I'm full Donald Duck in it. No. No, don't open the door. Don't do it. Button down shirt on, no pants. I'll stay. You're knocking on the door two days later. I'll come back. I'll come back.

I'll come back. My apologies. It's the middle of the night. Well, it's morning. It's definitely morning. It's morning. All the way to morning. You should know it's morning. I'm sure you got a couple of, you know, pointers. Anyway, I'll come back. I'll come back. Get yourself cleaned up. I suppose I could get into a full state of dress. Take your time. I'm leaving. Take your time. I walk away. I don't want to be there when the door opens.

You notice that Bitsy and Peggy are not in the room that they had been given. They're not in there. It seems to have been vacated and cleared out. Hey, Booker. Yeah, yes. What's the story about that guy? I'm sitting there looking at you like this, and I do this.

You hear the buzzing of flies? Let's go this way. I'm just going to gently move you away towards... We go to their room. Yeah, and we go try to find where their room is, and presumably they're not there. Yeah, correct. I haven't heard from Peggy or Bitsy. Do you know what they got up to last night? Oh. No, I went to bed early. Everyone else was awake when I went to sleep. Although I did have to get up.

38 times in the middle of the night. That's a lot. And I still managed to go on a whirlwind adventure. That's crazy. I don't know how there was enough hours in the day. Time is funny like that. It really is. Wait, where could they be? I mean, anywhere in the castle. Peggy owns it.

Is it possible that maybe Peggy is now living where Lord... what was his name? Oh yeah, the Count. More cool. That's what I would do. I would take up residence in the Count's place. It's gotta be the best place in the whole castle. Right, and if he's dead, he doesn't need it anymore. So maybe Bitsy and Peggy decided, you know, let's sleep in high society for tonight.

We'll go find where the Count's lodgings are. We'll wait for Jean-Claude up there, far away from his pervert den. And hopefully we'll find the rest of our body. I say I'm here now. I'm wearing pants for those with delicate sensibility. Grumly, I hope you never hear what I had to hear at the tail end of that nightmare. I'm just saying, Booker, if you're

put off by our dear friend not wearing pants. Imagine three bears not wearing pants. I can assure you they will not be wearing pants. Are you talking about three bears winning the pool? Yes. I can promise you today is not going to go how we think it's going to go. I just got a feeling. Call it a hunch, deep in my bones, I have a feeling that today is going to end very, very, very badly. I'm so excited.

Let's go. Oh, it's so greasy. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is so greasy! Careful, walk around, walk around! Make it straight then, make it straight because you're being helped. Eight.

You slide it, and Booker, you don't necessarily fall, Booker catches you before you fall, but you do slide, your paws slide, and your boots kick the Mr. Tuppence, and he starts... Ah! Ah! Ah!

He's like spinning in the grease. Don't look, don't look. So visually, does it kind of look like the wizard breakdance battle? Exactly right, yeah. He looks like Gandalf in Fellowship of the Ring. Perfect. As the flies are actually...

surprisingly monstrous as they're buzzing around and then as you kick them, they all buzz away and they all then return. As you hear this from the flies as they buzz. This might be one of the more gruesome parts of this game. Oh, that's normal. Let's continue. We attempt to go find the tower, I suppose, where the Count would have stayed. I follow along. Okay.

You're all fully dressed, as far as you're aware. As far as we're aware. I forgot my underwear! Underneath your clothes, you're not dressed at all. You do manage to make your way around Mr. Tuppence. He eventually slides up against the snowball, and he comes to a stop, and then the flies ascend. And as you look, you swear that one grew another eyeball.

on its head as they feast on this corpse. That's good. I love that for us. With that, ladies, how was your evening after the homunculus? Oh, we--

With Bitsy's buy-in, we had a full-blown slumber party. We got into fancy pajamas. Yeah. We asked for what's-his-fuck to bring us more pitch. More pitch? What's the fuck? More pitch. Yes. Some... Mistress! Mistress!

You're Barbie's dream date. - Thank you. It has all the pieces, right? This box is old and battered. - It's on a velvet pillow. - Fancy. - Do you have more madness with the work in credit card swipers? - Yeah. - Well. - What? - What about Pretty Pretty Princess? - In this castle, there is much madness. But nary a more. With plenty of peach.

Where do you get the pitch? We do have very, very used copy of Candyland. Oh, can you get that one for us when you're on your way back with more pitch? Oh, yes, of course, of course. I always like to land in the sloppy, gloppy swamp myself. I'm a fan of Grandma Nut. Oh, Grandma Nut, do you know?

I knew one of- She is not to be trusted. Well, I can't speak on that, but I know that her granddaughter couldn't be trusted within a mile of a pie. If you ever meet Grandma Nut, she speaks the old words. She is not to be trusted. All right, well, yeah, if you could go get the pitch, that would be great. She will welcome you in with gifts beyond your wildest imaginations. The pitch is running low. Rivaling even last purpose. It's getting really cold in here.

But beware! They are but lies. Can you go get us more pitch? For Grandma Nut seeks your life essence to feed her malign spells. I'm sorry, but can you please keep the nuts out of your mouth, all right? You don't speak on their name when they're not around to defend themselves, so just go get the pitch. I will, as you command. The nuts have been removed from Weigel's mouth.

Thank you. God. How does a frog get some pitch around here? I don't know. You have to ask like 16 fucking times. God, we're never gonna get Candyland, are we? I don't know if I really want to play Candyland. It sounds dangerous. Yeah, no, you're right. You want to file each other's nails down and tickle each other or something? What in the hell? Okay. Cool, that's what we'll do for the rest of the night.

- You do that as he does return with, what did you say, with pitch. - And Candyland. - And Candyland, and actually he brings one of the logs. There's a very small handful of petrified logs and he puts one in and then he slathers it. No pitch for the log.

Oh, and I also managed to find a copy of Girl Talk Dateline and bedbugs. But they're all missing most of the pieces. But you might be able to be resourceful. I'm sure we can figure it out. We're pretty resourceful gals, aren't we, Bitsy? Yeah. Yeah. You can go now, though. Terrible homunculus has been born. LAUGHTER

He knows too much. He does. He knows too much. Let's put this guy down. Yeah, let's put this guy down. Wyvor is the castle. On this night, I have heard whispers of one word. Abomination. The Plague Lord speaks it to me. I feel his presence. It's like a wax and red trail. His postulant embrace. Dear...

Oh, do you know? There he goes. Yes, we can finally catch it up. Ah, yes. The plague lord with his boils very pussy. I was away to my quarters. To the old text now that master does not say it is forbidden. What's this?

For me to peruse the dark text. Do you mean the Plague Lord or Wygor? Wygor. Wygor. Wygor. Yes. Wygor's looking behind you. Bitsy's in front of you. Don't harm that homunculus, all right? It's forbidden. Harm the homunculus. No.

- Oh, goodness no! - It is forbidden. - Goodness no. - Yeah, if you harm that thing, it is forbidden. We will kill you. - Yeah. - We may lure it and use it. - No. - No. - You let it do whatever it wants to do. - No, it's free. - That's my child, that's my son. - We'll break your femur. - Oh, certainly I will not lure it and imprison it with a demonic spell and corrupt it to the plague father. - I will break your nose so fast. And the moment it's about to set, I'll break it again. - Not my nose.

That cobra already gave me the runaround. Yeah, I don't think you can afford it. You can't afford it. I can't afford it. Don't risk it. Don't risk it. No, no. Don't make me cancel your health care. Also, your new employer slashed your salary by 100%. I should have invested into my HSA. This log is nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty nice. You're a good guy.

Please go now! Yes, to my quarters! We were having a nice pillow fight! And the Forbidden Library! Great, go! No, actually, wait, your quarters are no longer the Forbidden Library? No, they're not. No, there are three hallways to the left out of this room. There's a dusty old alcove there. Ah, yes. The dusty alcove. That's your new room.

Ah, yes. I keep it nice and dusty. I must away to the dusty alcove. Not to the forbidden library. To seek the old text. Did you just wink at us or are you having a stroke? I lose our...

That's enough. You can go. No!

I don't think he's gonna be okay. I don't think he's gonna listen to me either. I think he's going straight to that forbidden library. Do you think he's gonna capture the homunculus and use him to charge his Plaguelord powers? I mean, if he wants it's nose broken over and over again for the rest of his life, but yeah, probably. I think he's gonna. He might not make it. I think he was having a stroke. Oh no, you saw how resilient that homunculus was.

I mean, I'm not sure he's gonna make it to the library like you said, but if he captures that homunculus, I think he's done for. We'll see. An interesting name for my son, homunculus. What do you think it means? Ah, it's just a name. Homunculus Flyler. Homunculus Flyler. That's kind of hard to say. Can we call him something short like Monk or Ulus? I like Ulus. Ulus Flyler.

Well, that kinda sounds like useless, and I don't really wanna tell my son he's useless, at least not yet. Oh yeah! Kids will make fun of him all the time, kids are the worst! Kids ARE the worst. God, they're awful. You should've seen me when I was young. You were young? Yeah, long time ago. Oh, how youth fades away in the night. Then you're climbing into bed and- Oh yes! There is me! You can go! I thought we locked the door, what the fuck?! What the fuck?

God, what a pervert. Oh, wait, come back. We're out of pitch. Yes. It's getting really cold in here. Do you have another one of those logs? I must fetch, must go to the log cab chambers in the pitch cathedral. Well, you have to move your legs to do that. Oh, at least one sort of. I'll scrape on down.

Okay, Bitsy, make sure you lock the door this time. I did. I think if I get on my side, I'll be able to... Wait, how'd you get back in here? You just left. Oh, yes. How did... Oh, silly me. The door was locked, too. What the fuck? Silly me. I found a copy of Topple. Oh, okay. Do you have sorry or trouble? Trouble? I have a copy of Mousetrap.

No, I don't want to play that. Oh, I hate that game. Yeah, that's not for me. That game's awful. It's very funny. How about, uh, don't... There's nothing for a mouse to fear. Don't wake Patty. As long as there are... Don't wake Peggy? Patty. Oh. As long as there are no cats, the rats and the mites shall play. They shall frolic. They shall reign. In the embrace of the Plaguelord, all pestilent creatures are in his posse embrace. Plaguelord.

You know, you say a lot of things that make me uncomfortable. Pussy and brace is by far the worst. So I think we should put, uh, we should not say that anymore. It's forbidden. It's forbidden. Is there a different word outside of pussy that you feel like you could use? Maybe a different word outside of embrace. Like cat or feline? Yeah. Now that

- I think it's gotta be the word pussy that you changed. Pussy hug, that also sounds bad. Pussy cuddle, I don't like that one either. - His biolicious smooches that he gives. - You know, that one's fine. Biolicious smooches. - It is bidden. - It is bidden.

Oh, here's a copy of the Happy Days board game. Oh, what about Joanie Loves Chachi? We do not speak their names. There is no love for Joanie neither, nor for Chachi in this castle. You can go now. I await the abomination. Good night! Please lock the door. Okay.

We finally get to the door. Yeah. Do we pass Wygor on the way? Yes. Well, well, well. If it isn't the pitch, pitch. How's it going, buddy? How's that leg feeling up? And I tap it with my foot. Stop it! Stop what? I'm asking him how he is. I've spilled pitch all over the place. Well, that's a shame. I hope somebody helps to clean it up. Maybe it should be you. You clean it up.

No, that's not nice. Get up, Wygaw. Oh, yes. You're gonna piss off his plain-haired guard. Have you seen the guy that I have on my side? You think I'd give a shit? No, you're right. You're right. That's fair. Get up. Get the fuck up, Wygaw. My leg is fully healed, but I'm adjusting to walking on it. A terrapist appendage is a difficult thing to adjust to. What?

What does that mean? What are you talking about? I don't know. I've loved those woods. I don't either. Just get out of here. I have a feeling that... Oh, yes, see? Let me pull up my robe. And you see, and there's like three, like, segmented carapace insectoid legs where his broken rat leg once was. Holy hell! You see? I'll say I'll say! What the? My gods! What happened to you? I prayed to the plague for them.

and without the presence of the master, Ossie Kool, play his reigning boner. I turn to Grumly and I whisper, I say, "Moda's not looking too bad right about now. "We can get rid of this guy." Oh, we should just-- Go on, Wargore, enjoy your forbidden knowledge in the dark library. We'll see you later. I feel like I can see all

through great segmented eyes. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. Bye. Goodbye. You go. Leave. Go away. Do your little away thing. Get out of here. To the dusty alcove. Gross. And also the lair. Beware the abomination and also the grandmother of Nutt. Beware. Not to be trusted, none of them. Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

He skitters along the side of the wall. Do you think he was feeling all right? He was favoring one side. I'm worried about him. Yeah, he looked weird. Farewell in the season-- Now he's slurring his words. Slurring his words. One can hope. Did he have insect legs?

I don't even want to ask. If we're even a little bit lucky, he just won't wake up tomorrow. Well, look, you have a demon lord on your side, so in case we need to have another demon battle, we could just do that. I mean, that's fine. Yeah, fine, done. I'm not here to eat that guy for breakfast. That was pretty cool the first time. That was pretty cool. Yeah.

You know, I wasn't so convinced about this whole night here thing, but that was bitchin'. I thought it was gonna be kind of a fun, and then night here came out and just ate the cool one by. It's kind of fucked up, you know? Yeah, it was.

Hold on, hold on, before you knock. Who is it? Hello? Wait, wait, wait. Why? Go away. I didn't answer. We need to work on our entrance. What do you mean? Why? We need a signature entrance. Hello? If you're going to have their own room. No, don't unlock the door. What's your interest? Say hello.

Hello? No, no, no, no. Who is it? It's more like-- Was that Booker? Hello, but do it in your voice. Hello. Yeah, but a little more nasally and kind of like-- I think it's Booker. That's how I sound. Do it again, do it again. Hello. Okay, now as soon as the door's unlocked, you're gonna open it, and right behind you, you stay outside, this is not just in the jam. What's happening out there? And you say, "Hello," and we both walk in and we both, you know, we're confident. All right, fine. I open the door. As soon as the door opens, "Hello." Hello. I mean, no, he said it.

What the fuck, you guys? It's been a weird morning, all right? Just roll with it. Get in before Wygo comes. Come on, close the door behind him. We're playing Happy Days. It's Fonzie's real cool game. We passed Wygo on the hollow. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's looking a little...

Sick. He keeps talking about all kinds of weird shit. Yeah, his legs weren't right. Oh, yeah, he was having a heart attack while he was up here, but it was really hindering our game of Pretty Pretty Princess. He's also got too many legs. What do you mean? Like, extra bug legs. Well, no, he's got a leg and a half now. Well, no, he's got like four or five and a half legs. What? Yeah, yeah.

They look like bug legs. They kind of crawl up the wall a little bit. Oh, I gave birth to a baby. What? Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. It flew out the window. Oh, I wish I had a gift for you. I didn't even think about it. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Yeah, so everybody's, like, getting extra things. Well, how'd your baby fly out the window? Oh, with its little homunculus. Well, its name is Homunculus Flyla. Okay. That's a long name. I didn't give him that name. Apparently, it was his...

his born name. I see. But, you know, whatever name he really wants. And, yeah, it's my baby. He has, he's made of wax. Well, no, I mean, he's made of meat stuff. He's made of meat wax. Yeah. And there's like, there's like a weird cow face on the back of him and stuff. And he's a little bit crazy, but like, you know, he's mine. I, uh,

His wings look like they're way too small to carry a body of such girth, but he does because he's a powerful child. I almost killed him and then I stabbed myself in the hand trying to get him and it really hurt. Look.

But don't worry, Bitsy apologized for trying to kill my son. And so then I made Bitsy a Baroness or a Marquess or something. Okay. Yeah. I'm glad that you resolved your differences. Yeah. And now we're playing Fonzie's real cool game. And watching the real Housewives of the Dimwood. It's my turn. I landed on something to do. Okay. Hey. Oh, it's my turn. You landed on cruising.

Oh, I wanted to land on Cruisin'. Leni and Squiggy's signature entrance. Hello. What? Whoa. That's weird. How is this possible? They're ripping off of us. That's our signature entrance. I don't know. I'm truly baffled. I am truly baffled. This game might be a game of necromantic power. No.

You landed on... "Hey, Nerd!" Eh, sounds about right. You need to go now. Oh, really? Yeah! Okay. Don't be a chump, play the game!

- Okay, I got a two. What do I land on? - You landed on the corner space. There's a tall man wearing a leather jacket standing on a house. - Oh no, that's the porn. You gotta move that off of the board. - Oh, you landed on the Ralph mouth space. Oh, he's the worst character. - Oh, this one's weird. It's a strange reference to that one episode where the main character thought he had mono.

Oh, that's weird. I mean, that's not something to joke about. That was a weird episode. Mono's a serious thing, all right? I don't think I want to play this game anymore, guys. You've done one ramped. It's always right before my turn. No, no, Jean-Claude, you go. I would love to see Jean-Claude try to make a Happy Days reference. I got one ready to go. I got a 10. You landed on "gime." Oh, well.

This one just says you've jumped the shark. Yes! Yes, Mace! Yes! Brilliant! I'm so glad we played that one out. Well done. Jumped a shark? What is that? What does it mean? What the hell's a shark? Oh, I don't know the first thing about this game. You landed on drag. This just says...

Isn't it wild how much money $20 was in the 50s? What the fuck is a dollar? That's a weird call. What are the 50s? Anyway, enough happy days and happy days. We play happy days for two and a half hours. We do, yeah. We watch the Laverne and Shirley marathon. And then right around the time that it ends, so what did you guys get up to last night or this morning? Anything fun happen in the colder wings of the castle? Um...

I don't think anything-- Let me think about it. It's a typical night for men, isn't it? Just the exact same as always. Well, I would like to cordially invite you to stay the night in the Countess's suite tonight

as we have slumber party number two with more games more pitch we even have petrified logs we can have you you want some food we can we can order grub hub as where these weird fat grubs slink up the stairs and bring us food directly to the door it's pretty great oh wait no i can't believe i forgot we can't go to sleep tonight what we have to go on a hunt oh that's right we have a mythic question i don't want to go on a hunt

A what hunt? An eldritch hunt. Eldritch? Who's that? An evil, dark, spooky hunt. We had a lot of dark and spooky lately. No, you're right. Maybe have like a night in. Anyway, long story short, it's kind of a long story. I'm not going to tell a whole thing. Well, not. I mean, once you start, you've got to tell the whole story. Anyway, I went out and did my nightly hunt with the coachman and we killed some spiders. I'm sorry, can you rewind? Because what's this about a nightly hunt with a coachman? Oh, yeah. Every night I go out on a nightly hunt with the coachman and kill some spiders. You mean that wolf?

Yeah, the wolf guy. That guy's weird, he never says a word. He was in yellow and I told him he didn't say anything. He can speak, I was out there and he was like-- No, you can't. "You are my pack now, "and your friends must be assembled, "and there are bears that love shitting." And then he basically said-- Can you rewind one more time? No, he's just going to say it again.

There are bears what love shitting? Like they love watching people shit? No, no, no. They themselves love shitting. They don't even wear pants. They love shitting so much. They just want to be ready at any time, anywhere. They wear like a red t-shirt, I think. They're blue bears that wear a red shirt. Are these bears blue? Oh, they're blue bears. I don't know why they're blue, but they're blue. They love shitting. They wear red t-shirts. The blue bears are real? Yeah.

You've heard of the blue bears? Well, everybody's heard of the prophecy of absorption. What? No. I don't think anybody's heard of the prophecy of absorption. No, they killed his whole family. No one once heard of the prophecy. They killed his family? Why? They killed his whole family. It was some kind of revenge. He has some sort of revenge plot. So these bears that can't stop shitting were able to kill the wolf guy's family? Have you seen a bear? You've seen Benji and he's free of them. Have you seen someone shit before? They can't do anything while they're shitting. Oh.

These bears can. Wow. Believe you me. That sounds like a fearsome thought. Yeah, if these are the bears from old, then they love shit. That's what he said. They just can't stop. Yeah, that's exactly right. It's endless. If they're in the woods, they just don't stop. Where do they keep it all?

What do they keep on what? Their shit? Their shit? They just don't ever stop in their baths. I've seen the signs of baths before. They're free of them. And they just never stop shitting? Where does it all go? I don't know for sure, but it's probably in the Hidden Grove of Softness. What? The Hidden Grove of Softness. What? That's where the war started. The war? Oh, yeah. The war of what? The Great Paper War. Oh.

What's this? Is this a prophecy? Oh, I think I heard that story before. Three-hole Punch Jim. Three-hole Punch Jim? Yeah, he was that famed knight in the Paper War. That's right. He was one of the soft paws. Oh my gosh, because he was the one they each one of them put a hole through Jim. One hole through each bear. That's right. It was in this fight against the Privy Lords in the Crimson Streak. Yikes.

- Yikes. - I sit down and I'm enthralled and I just wanna hear more. I just wanna know everything about it. - Well, it all started in that hidden grove of softness. - Whoa! - Sacred trees known as the Ply Elders. Bears revered them for their fibrous berries and their luxuriously soft leaves. That's how the story starts anyway. Elder Rollins, he made a pact with a great spirit of softness to guard those trees.

And that if any harm ever came to them or they fell to greed, the bears would descend into madness, cursed forever, in search of the perfect wipe. The perfect wipe. Maybe that's why they killed his whole family. Okay, are we sure this is not a translation? Is translation issue like perfect wife, maybe? I mean, I don't know. I could just be making this up as I go along.

No, what if the Coachman's whole family is like a sacred order to protect the perfect wipe? And that's why they killed him off? Well, that's what one might think. But the paper war has changed all of that. After centuries, they've forgotten about their pact. And harm did come to those trees. And they did fall to the corporate greed. Oh.

That's when they split into three different factions. The soft paws, the privy lords, and the crimson streak. The last one, man. Is that like bears who love shit and bears who kind of enjoy it and bears who couldn't stand it? They've sworn off swiping. They use the trees.

Trees. Crimson Streak sounds pretty badass, doesn't it, Booker? I want to be a member of the Crimson Streak. Yeah. Oh, Grumly. I thought we should be the Crimson Streak. What are we going to do with you, Grumly? But as punishment for their violence, all blue bears were cursed with the endless wipe to never truly be clean, forever chasing perfection, just out of reach. To this day, they wait.

And they wipe. When the fuck did you have time to write all this? If you go back to the beginning of this episode, you see I get real quiet. While you guys were role-playing, I sat down and I just decided. My favorite part is the top of this says, Uprooted Notes, LOL. Oh my god, Derek.

This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Avantris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas. Shroud over salt mark.

You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Anyways, the prophecy of absorption says that one day it'll all come to an end, but that's all I know. Not a lot. Is tonight...

The night when it all comes to an end? I have no fucking idea. All I know is the story. You know so much! How do you not know this part? It could be bear shit. I have no idea. This is a prophecy describing what manner it all comes to an end. That's all I know. It's just that there's a prophecy. Probably there's a chosen one and the end of all wiping for blue bears and maybe the violence will finally come to an end.

Did your coachman phrase defense and say anything about any of this? No, he just didn't like the shit and that he wants to kill them all. Why? Because they killed his whole family. It's just pure revenge. Why would they kill his family? Oh, well, I'm hypothesizing that his family is this cool secret order that protects the perfect wife. But he didn't tell me any of that.

Well, let's assume that that's the case for now. Yeah, that's definitely the case. I mean, at this point, it has to be. You know, I got to be honest with you, Bitsy. Before we came up here, I literally said that I had a feeling that today was not going to go any way we could have ever possibly imagined. And I already have a feeling that that's coming true. You don't feel like that. Not in all my days, but I thought that we'd end up here, that's for sure. And we're just getting started.

I mean, it's such a shame that this stream is ending at 10:30 and that-- Oh no, we only got 15 more minutes. Should we just play Happy Days more? Okay. You know what they say. I got 11. These days are all happy days. Happy days. Oh, happy days. These days are all happy days. They are happy days. Yeah, that's the name of the board game we're playing right now. Well, it also applies to these days. I'm a little concerned about something.

And it's strange that it's not this tale about the red streak knights or whatever. It's been three hours and Vygor's nowhere to be seen. Well, he said something about a dusty alcove and I called him some pretty mean names and then we moved on. The left side of his face was a little droopy. That has not stopped him from finding his way into this room, lock or no lock.

every 10 to 15 minutes for the past three days. Well, Booker also kicked him in his... Which one? Well, that's the thing. It was a light tap to see if he was doing all right. He said his leg had fully healed, and then he revealed three new legs that were very insectoid in nature. It was a light tap. He fell on the ground and spilled pitch all over himself. Yeah, he really did. He really did. I got him good. He sure did. He did not show us his three legs. No, he didn't.

And also, you said his left side of his face? Does that mean the other side of his face was also droopy, or had it just moved over from one side of the face to the other? That's a great question, Vixie. No, just one side looked kind of normal. I mean, as normal as you can get being Weigel. And then the other side looked just less robust, I should say. Well, perhaps he finally succumbed to death. One can only hope.

There's no time. We must get ready to the armory. We could chill out a little bit. It's the morning, and this isn't supposed to happen until tonight. Yeah, but there's no time. We've got to train. Yeah, and he's saying we've got to go to the armory. We've got to get fitted for armor and weapons. Oh, I'm not going to wear armor. Yeah, I don't normally wear armor either. I would be significantly less effective if you put armor on. Oh.

Oh. Even this robe is cumbersome. Is that how magic works? Where like the second you put a chain mail shirt on, you can't cast your spells anymore? I don't know. I think it's more like being a woman and you get home and you take your bra off and then you can't function anymore. Oh. Oh. But it's like the opposite where, you know, just listen to me. You can only function without your bra on. Yeah, thanks. The less she wears, the more powerful she is. Yeah. Whoa. That's why she gets naked all the time. Well, the rest of us need arms. Yeah, but how am I supposed to go invisible if I'm wearing arms?

That's very true. You don't have the power to make armor invisible. Wait, wait, wait, wait, do you see that? No. You hear this deep rumbling vibration buzzing, coming, like a really awful buzzing, coming closer from beyond the door. And you hear it.

We locked the door, right? Outside. Yeah, no, we locked the door. No, I unlocked it in order to let them in. I didn't relock it. Oh, well, we should probably do that. Okay. I'm sure it's nothing. This cat is an old cat. And there's a loud, a very loud buzzing and rumbling now from outside the door. Don't open the door. Hello? Who is it? Who is it? Bitch from the master. That's not very nice. You can't call people that. Go away. I am Tuppence.

Oh, Tuppence is in debt and I'll rush over and unlock the door. The door opens. I take a few steps back. And the demon that you see before you is equal parts goat

and fly and leech, intestines spilling out, several mouths over his arms. Where a mouth, a goat mouth had been, there's a proboscis, huge red eyes where his eyes had been, and the horns are now massive and curved as leathery, fleshy green fly wings are flapping as he carries a bucket of pitch.

Thank you so much for bringing that in. That petrified log, it's still perfectly petrified, but it's getting cold in here, so if you don't mind throwing the pitch on the fire and getting that going again, that would be great. Yes! A pitch! Did Wygor send you? That was very nice of him. The master made me. What do you mean? No, I'm the countess. Who's the countess? I'm the Marcus. Peggy Von Flyla.

The master of plague. Yeah, I keep hearing. The forge master of the hells. Are you alive? Well, I mean, walking around. But like. You can't just ask someone that. I have been given life by the master. Whoa. As he buzzes, as he flies out with his empty pitch bucket. Well, that was really nice of him.

I'll say, isn't that the guy we passed in the hallway who was spinning the oil? He was definitely dead before. Dead as a doornail, right? Oh yeah, real bad. All those flies, those big flies were all over his body. He was walking around just, he was clearly not dead. Well, I thought death no longer reigned here. It clearly does. It reigns here again. It's reigning death. Why did he look so terrible? I don't know. This isn't good. This isn't good at all.

Well, maybe once we gear up, we can kill him on our way out to, you know, kill those bears. I'm starting to think we're way out of our depth here. I'm gonna follow your lead. I got your back, Grumly, but I don't feel good about any of this.

I'm not so worried about it. I mean, when you give birth to a part cow, part crazy frog, homunculus creature, you start to realize that all life is beautiful in its own ways. That's amazing, that all life was beautiful? It might just be new mother things. But I just, I feel a gentleness in my heart for that creature. Huh. It just brought in some pitch, trying to keep us warm.

Maybe once we just leave and we go to the vacation home, we can just let Wygar to himself and have his fly demon servants. Yeah, I don't really have any affection for this place, so I was kind of hoping that once we left, we could just kind of forget it long enough. Yeah, we should do that. That's what I was hoping. I was just going to slip the deed into his, like... His back pocket. What is his...

Pussy embraces what he said? Oh, it's forbidden. You're not allowed to say that. Well, I can say whatever I want, because I'm the Countess. It's forbidden! All right, fine. Into his dusty nook. We're just gonna slip that deed right deep into his dusty nook, and then just let him do with it what he will.

Slip that deed right into his nook. Slip the deed right into his nook, yeah. I think he wants the deed. Slip that deed right into his nook. You think he does or doesn't? I think he wants the deed. No, he definitely wants the deed. You can look at him and see that he is begging for the deed. I'll say maybe you could sell it to him. I don't need to sell it to him. I just give it to him. Maybe he could owe you a favor.

- Well, some kind of crazy, pestilence, demon face. - Yeah, look, I mean, sure, I can have, but you know what that means? That means I might have to interact with him again, and I just feel, as much as I value and love the friendship between the two of us, that my life and his would be better if we never spoke to or saw each other ever again. - I guess it makes sense to slip him the D and then never talk to him again. - You could make a pact with him to protect your son, and that if any harm ever came to his son or greed, then his plague army would fall to madness.

You are the best vizier I could ever ask for, Bitsy. Vizier? You think about, yeah, you're my right hand Bitsy. I love coming home and taking off my vizier. The relief is so real. Yes. And between the two of us, we could be unstoppable, you know. World ending unstoppable. Okay. I've seen that dogen. I really have. Anyway, I'm going to go suit up.

I'm starting to think I need a sword or something like you got. I don't know what else to do here. I can't be, you know, completely unarmed. That's why we should all go to the armory and pick out what matches best thematically. I'll definitely need some kind of weapon. I'm no fighter. Words are my weapon. My jar of grease is suspiciously empty, so I could use a refill there. I'm light on Molotov cocktails, I mean fireballs.

We go to the armory. You open the door, and it's surprisingly quiet for the number of enormous flies that you see just standing on the walls, staring at you, many of them with many huge segmented eyes. Some flies are almost as big as you are as they cling to the walls. Some have various extra legs, some have tentacles, some have multiple pairs of wings, some have huge stingers.

as they just simply stand on the walls, unmoving, stagnant, but watching with their huge jewel-like eyes as the stink of this place increases. I need everyone to make a constitution saving throw as you make your way to the armory. Oh, I think we've made a grievous mistake.

We only have, I think, five twists. Con? Plus like 12 or 13. No, no, no, we hit level 11 and then we had five from earlier. Oh, so we have 16. Oh, I'm going to use a twist. I did okay. For con, I got a 16. Okay. That's pretty reasonable. I got a plus two. I got a 21. I'm going to use one more. It's not going to work. We've used two. Our con's not very good. I think he used one. I think we used three. Okay, we're at 12.

I'm gonna write that down. 12 right here. So 16? I got a 16. I think he said 21. 21. At least 21. 11. I'm triple checking. I got a 19. Nice. Jean-Claude. 21. You feel a tickle at the back of your throat, and you're coughing and you sneeze, and you get some itching underneath your feathers as you start to kind of feel a little tired.

as you continue down the hallway towards the armory. - Oh. - What? - We're gonna make it. Come on, we gotta do this. We recreate the whole Joodle of Vernage early as we walk down to the armory.

- Everybody knows your name. I like that one. - Oh, this place is doing something to me. I don't feel quite comfortable in my own feathers. - Guys, John seems scratchy. - Yeah, are you allergic to something? - Oh, please don't puke. I just, I don't-- - No, I couldn't. - I was unknowingly pregnant yesterday, and so I don't think I can handle that. - Oh, I missed that one. - You all right? - Bless her.

I didn't know a chicken could sneeze. Oh, you're a rooster. I didn't know a rooster could sneeze. Thank you, thank you for the distinction. I didn't know I could sneeze either before this, but I've probably sneezed before. That was quite a dapper sneeze. Oh, well, thank you. You know you do most things dappily. Well, I try and show up in a pleasant way, you know, put a little nice spin on things. You never get the chance to make a second first impression. Have you ever done the stanky leg?

Well, that's a question. I ask because your legs are quite, and I mean this in a nice way, quite stanky. They have the perfect shape to stanky leg.

Oh, well, I don't think anyone has ever paid me that compliment before in my entire life. No, I've not done the stanky leg, to the best of my recollection. Well, if we ever make it to the vacation home, I'm going to teach you how to stanky leg, John Claude. You'd teach me how to stanky leg? I would. That is a promise I'm making to you right now. One day, I will teach you to stanky leg, and then you are going to join me and Bitsy for the stanky leg competition. What's a stanky leg?

We'll have to get to the Beach House to find out. It's incentive, because I'm afraid John Claude has some horrible illness and will die. But...

That's why you offered to teach me the stanky line? Yeah, I hope that this-- I thought you were finally talking about enjoying a fine night with me. But you just think I'm gonna die? Well, it would be fine. I'm trying to get you to find the motivation within your heart to push through whatever this illness is. Your feathers are wilting, your waddle is drooping, you have-- Uh-oh. You're flamazaling with all that phlegm coming out of you. Uh-oh, my flamazel.

Doing it our way. I really wish I knew this song, Grumly. I'd sing along with you if I knew it. Grumly, you really crave and you realize you weren't sure what your favorite soda was. And now that you love Coca-Cola, you remember that you love Coca-Cola and milk.

That's your favorite soda. That's your favorite drink. That is my favorite. As you arrive at the door of the armory, and you hear the buzzing get louder and louder, as you see the thing that introduced itself as Tuppence flying, hovering in midair before the door,

Do you require squire services? Oh, Tuppence, hello. It's good to see you. You're looking nice today. I am called Tuppence.

I love that for you. Yeah, we need to get in there because we are going to fight against some bears. What do we love in shitting? Blue bears. The master offers squire services. I am at your command. Do you require services of a squire? We do, yeah. Would you be able to outfit Grumly in just the most, the best armor you've got to fight against Grumly?

flatulence and unstoppable diarrhea. And the rest of us. Oh, and can it look like the armor that Dracula wears at the beginning of Bram Stoker's Dracula, where Gary Oldman were? Oh yeah, by Francis Ford Coppola. Yeah, yeah. Oh, please, please. The red strips, it's really cool. It looks like muscles. It's very cool. And then I can curse God and stab an altar. It even could bleed from its eyes. What in the heck? To show that the curse is taken. That's right. What?

You guys say a lot of stuff and I just, I don't even know what you're talking about. You would make a great Jonathan Harker. I don't know if anyone's ever told you that before. No, I've never heard those words ever strung together in that order before. Hold on. Let's try this. All right. Say bloody words. What was that?

Bloody wolves. Bloody wolves? That's a really good one. But do the accents sound-- Say it like you just said it. Bloody wolves. Bloody wolves. Oh my god, that was pretty technical. Jonathan Arthur. Oh my god, Jonathan Arthur, everybody. I'm gonna love you in the Matrix. I can't wait. I have never seen the Matrix. This is something people don't know about me.

- I have never seen The Matrix. - You've never seen The Matrix? He's gonna be in it. - Wow, you're gonna be great. - What's The Matrix? - It's gonna be a cultural watershed moment, let me tell you. - What? - In Conker's Bad Food, they're gonna devote like a whole quarter of the game to that film. - To The Matrix? - To The Matrix, that's right. - Oh, all right.

Anyway. Not to be confused with dominatrix. They're two completely separate things. You seek creatures of filth. Oh, he's still here. Well, yeah. They're absolutely filthy, blue-shittin' bears. They can't wipe clean. They're disgusting. As they have earned the blessing of the father of blades. Mountains of fecal matter. I don't think so. Because it has nowhere else to go. A city built from stool. Oh, it truly will be a feast for flies.

The master will know what to do. Well, who is the master? The herald. Yeah, but who's the herald? His name is Harold. Gosh. It's the plague guy that you're talking about. Yeah, but who is it? I mean, is it just some random guy? No, I think it's like the equivalent to knight here, but it's just like a filthy version. Who is it?

You know the master, he speaks very fondly of you. What? We know? We know the master? Does he have a name? Does the master have a name? Maybe the king is still alive. No, he said Harold, not Harold. What's the master's name? He is known to your tongue as Weigel. Oh!

Oh, damn it! Oh, this guy's alive still. He's the master now. Why are you still alive? And why are they calling him a master? He's sick as a bum. Well, he's got like three fly legs now. That's pretty cool. Didn't I just be mispronouncing bastard? Maybe. I mean, that would fit. I mean, he was, according to you, this guy was dead recently, so his tongue's probably not working all that well. Well, I thought he was dead. Look, the vessel once called Toppins...

- The Vessel, is that like the artist formerly known as Prince? - Oh, I love Little Red Corvette though. That song is a banger. - It is a banger. - Yeah, that's a good one. People really like 1999 or whatever that song was, but no, no, no. Little Red Corvette's the, I'm sorry, what were you saying? - The Vessel, formerly known as, let's get a load of this guy. - Dear Goliath's Goliath services. - Well, yeah, we gotta outfit him for the shitting bear extravaganza. - Especially this guy. He's gonna be our champion. - I need a whole suit of armor.

And so does everybody else. But I want to look like Dracula, Gary Oldman Dracula. Well, everyone should figure out what we want to look like. Can you do more than armor? Is it just armor that you can do? The armor is robust. It is for centuries of slaying foes. Could you do beautiful embroidered robes? Ooh.

His wings buzz as a swarm of monstrous mutated flies fly down and open the doors of the armory. And you see that you had already been in this room, but you realize now that what you had seen before was just the antechamber. You see that there are flies swarming over the skulls of the slain moles and the other folks that had been impaled on the spears in this armory as another door opens and it's just this massive,

fortress level armory of all sorts of weapons, armor, battle outfits. There's boiled leather, there is plate, there's chain. Anything that you could want, weapons, it's effectively another costume box for you guys. Oh, thank god, that's what I was hoping for.

as the flies are buzzing around, and you see now that there are rows and rows of dozens of mole skulls on spikes throughout this place, as flies are clinging to it, as this creature that's called itself Tuppence

floats before you and drifts into this room, his loud wings buzzing in a very eerie manner. - Something is different about the castle, and I can't really quite put my finger on what. - The Count's dead. - Yeah, but it's like, something feels off. - At first, I was like, there were a lot of flies about, but I had a realization. I'm a frog.

Well, and your last name is Flyler. Exactly right. And whatever, is King George canon in this? Yeah. Oh, okay. I couldn't remember if that was the last one or this one. Oh. No, he's my familiar. You open your mouth, Peggy, and you hear the voice, Plague reigns here. And King George flies out and flies out of the room deeper into the castle. Oh, shit.

Well, I'm sure he's got something to do. That was weird. Yeah. Did you just say plague rains? Yeah. And he sounded like Wygore. That is not what King George sounded like in my head previously. I wasn't sure if he was canon in this season or not, so I was waiting to do that until I confirmed. Well...

- You know what they always say, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then you'll know. - Oh, he's very wise. - I love King George and I'm gonna let him go do his plague-y biz and meet his new friends and whatever he wants to do. And just like my son, Monculous, I hope that they come back to me. - He's probably just going out to mate.

Oh my god. Then there would be King George the 9th and the 10th and the 11th and the 12th and the 13th. I have too many King Georges. Okay, so if I'm going to be Gary Oldman vampire from the beginning of the film with the red suit of armor. Sure. And I'll take...

I'll grab one of the halberds off the wall that has a spike on the end with a mole head on it. Absolutely, yep. All right, hell yeah, this feels right. Kill those bears off. Cut their heads off. Cut their heads off as you swing it around. This'll be good. I can chop the head off and then put the bear head on the spike. All right, what's everybody else gonna suit up with? I'm just like looking around, like this is not anything that I've ever been used to. I don't wear armor, I'm just like...

I'm made for combat. You know that there's a war, but you have been a vagabond perhaps longer than anyone else here. And you run away from the war. You see an army and you turn around. You want to be 50 leagues away from any army or any armorer. That's right. My name's Booker and that's between y'all. Yeah. Whoa! Is that a nine live stealer heavy crossbow? Oh, the trigger's missing. Shoot.

Well, I guess this sort of broken stick might suffice. Well, what should I use? What kind of weapon should I use, Grumly? You know better than I do. Oh, I don't know. Maybe, like, I feel like you could be pretty good with a knife, but I don't know if you want to get that close. No, I'm thinking something like a crossbow or something. You know, something that would keep me at distance where, you know, I'm not going to be, you know, look, my arms aren't made for a regular bow. Something that I can just load and point and shoot would be great. Just do that thing where you make people's heads explode with your words.

You know, I wish I could. I just... You still don't know how that happened? No. Maybe I had something with Knight here. You know, I don't know. It was a moment that I felt like I knew something more about myself than I did, but now that it was for the life of me, I can't figure out how I did that. Well, try it out on someone.

Hey, I'll say. Why'd you look over at me real quick? Nothing. What do you mean? Why'd you snap your little head? I didn't look at you. You did for a brief moment. No, I did not. For one single brief moment, you snapped your head. I was looking at the weapons. I thought a whip cracked in here. No, a whip. Look. Oh, gosh. Don't try and blow up my head. I would never. I would never. But we all can agree that he is the most dis...

Expendable of all of us. I'm not doing the stanky leg class with you. Well, not if you are. We have agreed on that. I'm not doing it, okay? Yes, you will. You're my least favorite friend out of all the friends in this group. That is so not true. Well, you keep trying to convince everyone to kill me. That is not what I'm trying to do. I'm just letting you know where you stand. Would you rather a friend that tells you a truth or a friend that lies to you like Booker and Biffy? A friend that lies to me 100% of the time. Well, you and I have something in common then because that's also why I like them the most. Okay.

Booker, look! What? There's the full armor and arsenal of Van Helsing starring Hugh Jackman. Whoa, really? I think I like this perfect. You got a crossbow. You got a cool hat that's pretty similar to the hat you're already wearing. Oh, you're right! And it's got a cool, like, cowl. Well, you know, I normally wear a lot of, like, browns and stuff, and this is, like, cool black leathers and straps and shit. Exactly. Oh, I'm done. Done. I'm gonna put this on. Put it on!

All right, nobody look at my fuzzy raccoon ass. I begin to change my clothes right here in the spot to put on the exact outfit that Hugh Jackman wears in Van Helsing from 2007 or 4. You got the spinning discs. I forgot that was in the movie! Oh yeah, you got the ship. And I got a crossbow? What is it, like a hand crossbow? Yeah, it's hand crossbow, it's a repeater. Oh, let's go!

Hand crossbow. Imperial engineering. Oh, that's perfect. And Peggy, look! It's a journeyman tier Isabella von Carstein cosplay! Perfect for you! It's just, there's too many clothes there. Like, look at all the frills. I was, I'm thinking... That comes with that cool sword. Yeah, but do you see that outfit over there? And it's like an exact copy of what Peggy's already wearing. Just like your wizard outfit? Yeah. Look at it, it's pristine. Oh.

I mean, if you just want to be like a party city wizard, that's fine. You know, no judgment or anything. I just thought we would be a little thematic. I'm sorry, but I... It's a vampire-themed hunt night, but, you know, that's fine. We're not even going up against vampires. We're going up against three shitting bears. What do vampires have to do with that? Just more like loosely gothic horror inspired, you know. But we don't have to do that. We don't have to do that. I could go put on my King Henry VIII costume again. That's fine. That's fine. We need to leave King George out of this.

He just abandoned me. Why would you bring him up again? No, no. My philosopher costume from the Crooked Moon at thecrookedmoon.com. It had that little hat with the feather in it. Oh, I love that on you. You look so cute. And the little pointy shoes. But I can go put that back on. I don't need this cool armor. Yes, pre-order now at thecrookedmoon.com. The hell? Why is the moon crooked? What are we...

Also, did you know that Nicolas Cage is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola? Oh, maybe I do. A lot of people don't know that. Weirdly, I think that came up last stream. Oh, that is weird. Fine. I won't wear that outfit that I like so much. No, you can wear it. No, no. I mean, if you're going to shame me about the things that I like to wear. I just had a vision of how tonight would go, and I just, you know, wanted to try to meet that vision. But, you know...

I'm used to disappointment. Listen, Peggy, if I may, I don't want to impose here, but, you know, I'm going to pull Peggy aside a little bit. Brumley doesn't get a lot of wins. I think we've got to give this one. It's so fucked. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Look, book M.

I'm with you on that. Yeah? And you're right, you know, he can't breathe out of his nose. No, it's too flat. It's way too flat. He constantly gets stuff stuck in his folds and he gets infections. Complete genetic mistake. Yeah, every time, if he tries to sleep on his back, he will die. Oh, I've heard it. It's bad. A few times I've had to wake up and flip him over. The amount of times that he has sneezed in the middle of the night and his eye boogers have plastered his whole. It's gross. It's truly gross. It's awful. And on top of that, the best

friends that he could possibly find were us. I know, it's a not-living nightmare. It's unfortunate. He's just too good. So what can I do to, like, you know, convince you to just, like, help him out a little? I heard about this magical item. Okay. And I have some of it. Oh. I just, I'm not, I haven't mastered the art of sewing. Okay. Now... Like needle and thread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little too, it's a little too mundane for magic users like myself. But, and I pull out some Velcro.

If we could find a way to make that dress easily removable, then I think I could give in and let Booker have, or let Grumly have what he wants. - Look, I've done a little sewing back in my day. - And I need it to be tearaway.

I can do that. I'll work on that for you. I need it to be so precarious on my body that you're afraid I'm going to laugh too hard. Or a stiff breeze will take it right off. Exactly. Done. Consider it done. God forbid Peggy bends over. Look, I've had to repair my hat and my coat a few times. I can do a little bit of sewing for you. You seem like you're very resourceful in this way. Give me 30 minutes, an hour tops. And I'm saying this while I'm in my full van healthy. I'm not pulling a giant repeating.

- Exactly right. - Done, I can do that, deal, we got a deal. - Okay. - I will hand, this is my most recent creation, I will hand this to you, patent pending, okay? So please don't share this with anyone. - This is amazing, I won't, I won't tell anyone. And I'll take the needle and thread, and maybe I have some on me, and I'll take the material that you gave me, and I'll begin to create the Dimwood's first tearaway,

tracksuit-style costume for Peggy while everyone else is picking out their outfits. Yeah, I'll think about what you'll have to roll for that as everyone goes on. As you see the thing that is called Tuppence-- Thank you. -- hears a chime that echoes through. Thank you. The cast says, "The master needs me. "The rider, the third rider of the-- "he rides a white grub." Oh no. Oh, that's a Grubhub guy.

They were all out of heavy cream. I'll say that's fam. John, what are you thinking of wearing? Well...

I originally thought I'd wield this Typhoon blade from Fortnite season six. Ooh! It's a very on-brand-- Well, I was just gonna say, Gromley, your plight about hunting vampires has turned me around. Instead, I think I'll put myself with this entire blade outfit. Sunglasses and hidden stakes in the wrists. Yeah, that's cool.

Or I could go with something else, if you prefer. This is kind of your whole moment, real man. I don't want rain on it. Did you have an idea, Grumly? No, it's just, you know, we had to pick a Marvel problem. I'm in the first Marvel movie.

It came out, a lot of people think it was Iron Man, but in fact it was Blade, you know? It's a little steps on the toes of Van Helsing a little bit. It's not quite period accurate. I just don't know much about any other period accurate, man. Whoa, look, there's a historically accurate Simon Belmont where he kind of looks like a barbarian outfit with furry levers and that weird headband and a whip. Oh!

That seems like you. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was thinking the whole time. I was happy for the third outfit. Typhoon Blade from Fortnite Season 6 Battle Pass. Blade, entire outfit equipped with a ninja sword that explodes out into four different blades and with the hidden...

Well, you know, you get it. And they're wearing their sunglasses, of course, of course, of course. Because, obviously, he's a daywalker. And then the third item on the shelf was the Simon Belmont whip with headband and fancy weapons. Can you say that again?

Well, first it started with the fact that he was a daywalker, and that's why he had the sunglasses. And then he goes to the... That's why he's a daywalker. That's why they put him in his blood. In the original film, Richie, he was already in his blood. Very cool. I clapped when I saw that. I changed my mind. I want to be four.

Holy shit, it's Mjolnir. As you approach-- Should he be worthy to control the power of Thor? I want to be Thor, Mikey! As you approach this-- None of us are worthy. As you approach this thing, you realize that where there's clouds of flies, they go nowhere near this whip, and you hear a

And there's almost like kind of this shimmering silver radiance. And you almost hear a voice that says, It is blessed by God. Yes, just literally God. I swear I almost heard something. Take up the whip, my child. And be a vampire killer. Oh!

Gromley, this is my favorite destined mission we've ever gone on. Oh, me too. I can't wait. No, I can't wait either. I strip. I strip immediately. You see a couple of boils in pestilence that he has. Oh, shit. I don't. I'm sewing. On you? Yeah, because you failed the saving throw. Oh!

Oh, you gotta be careful with the zipper. You don't ever want to pull the zipper up blind. Oh, it hurts going off. I don't remember this when I was getting dressed last. Oh, is that a boy? I gotta get out of here.

Let me get my whip. Well, maybe the whip blessed by literally God will heal you, Jean-Claude. Oh, well, one can hope, I think. Insolice the flesh from your body. Wow, it's very Conan Barbarian-coated. I like it. Oh, well. I like it. You quit drilling, you strug oil.

Let's see. Scarlett Johansson's outfit from Ghost in the Shell? No. Scarlett Johansson's outfit from Black Widow? No. Sarah Michelle Gellar's outfit from Buffy? No. Doom Slayer?

- Ooh, jeans, a jacket and a tank top. Kristen Stewart from Twilight, I love you. - It's perfect, Bitsy, wow. Look at you, you're ready to kill some shitting bears. - Thanks.

Why are you doing that with your-- This is the skin of a killer, Bitsy. Why are you doing that with your lips? What's happening? Are you squinting? I don't know if I like this anymore. Oh, what a terrible night for a curse. Stop doing that.

It's not too late to change, Bitsy. Well, what else is there? Well, is that the outfit Cher wore in the Believe music video? Oh, shit! Look at me!

The jeans rip apart as you fly. And you look, and there is directly next, you see the outfit that Cher wore in the movie music video, directly next is a Kate Beckinsale outfit and implements, including two guns from Underworld. And you rip right past it. Woo!

Yep, yep. I throw Ada Wong's outfit out of the way, and I grab... Oh, god. Oh, shit. It's literally just like a dress. Yeah, it's not that different from the Christian's sort of... Make a dexterity check. But add your proficiencies. Thank you. You can wear leather pants. And like a white shirt. Dex plus prop, that's pretty good. Mm-hmm.

That's a total of 18? 18. You concoct, at least perhaps, maybe not the first in the Dimwood, especially because of all the visitors from the Hollywood that visit Wartwallow. Yeah, you're probably right. But you invent a tearaway outfit, exactly as described. All right, Peggy, I think this is going to be it. I think this is up there. I've done it. I've done it.

With your brilliant mind and your vision, I believe that I've brought it to life. All right, let's... And I present her with it. Let's try this. Well, look away, you pervert. All right, all right, all right, sorry. And I'll quickly don the Isabella von Karshteyn outfit, boots and all. What do you think?

I think it looks pretty good. Whoa! Well, that was even more... I tried ripping it off. Oh, it immediately tears away. That was even easier than I thought. Okay, Mickey Dad. Do you have to re-sew that now? No, it can happen over and over again. It's because of the miracle material that Peggy presented me with. Wow. Watch, put it on and reassemble it and do it again.

Put it all back on. Look, it's like good as new. Don't worry, I'm not gonna take it off again. I don't wanna wear out the mechanism. Yeah, okay. Whoa! Holy moly! I haven't sold fire dust. I'm just gonna freeze this directly. It's like instant. That's amazing.

Look at this froggy green flesh. Every inch exposed to the elements should I need it to be. It's so soggy. Really outdone yourself this time, Peggy. Well done. It is quite moist in all the places it's supposed to be. The barometric pressure of the air has increased by two degrees. Is that why they call it wart wallow? Hey, I'm not the one with boils. Oh, wait.

Oh yeah, I should put my dress back on. Is that all of us? Are we all dressed up now? That's all of us. I still need a weapon. I don't really know how to use anything. Oh, the minigun Vulcan Raven had from Middle Gear Solid? No. I'm just going to fight with my mitts.

i mean you're pretty good at punching stuff they almost called me mitzi oh that would have been kind of cool because of punching stuff yeah i mean yeah i got it i was with you because mrs is another word for fist yep i'm right there with you you know what they could call it all right what they could call you fisty fisty yeah then we'd be peggy and fisty no that that was my older sister's name same there show you have a sister

I have many sisters. How many? I mean, more than you can count on two hands. What about brothers? No. None? No, only sisters. That sounds nice. I only have sisters. I mean, unless you count my brother-in-law, but I don't. Remember we met your sister? Yeah, both of them. There was a weird guy in her basement. Which one? Oh, you meant her husband. Yeah, he lives there. No, the other guy. He was like... The one whose penis you bit off? No, he was like all gobbly.

So were you. It was like a dungeon. I woke up there after my allergies. Was that when Booker was wearing those leather assless chaps? I think that was before, yeah. Which time? Weren't they put on you in a dungeon? Which time? Wait!

"Bitsy, what's that?" I walk over and there's this ancient wooden chest. What is it? And I open it and it starts glowing. It's ringing in my-- You see the gold on my face from the abduction? Yeah. I start shuddering. "Bitsy, this has got to be--" What is it, Gumly? "It's the Premium Heart, Tifa Lockhart's ultimate weapon from Final Fantasy VII!"

Oh shit! I threw her a pair of gloves. I thought it was Bing Raim's soul! Oh, they fit nice. Oh, what happened here?

Holy! Oh, wow. Oh. I think you can turn into a dolphin now or something. It's very unclear. Yeah, it's very unclear. But I can't jump off of a person's chest after a strange roulette game mechanism that doesn't really relate to my character. It's not fun, though. I mean, it's, you know, unique. I just know a lot of information, but people

People are really afraid of sharks, but they want to swim with dolphins, and that's just really counterintuitive. You're much more likely to be harmed by a random dolphin fucking than you are a shark attack. What's a dolphin?

So are we gonna go now that we have all of our stuff? Kill some bears. Yeah, I feel pretty good. I mean, I got this weapon. I don't know how much these leathers are gonna protect me, but as long as I don't get too close to the bears, I should be all right. Isn't it like 10.30 in the morning? It's pretty early. Well, all I can tell you is it's five o'clock somewhere. Where the hell is Wygo? I need a margarita. Oh, we should just go up to the kitchen and use it. It's...

margarita machine now. Yeah, but it tastes better when somebody else makes it for you and you don't have to lift a finger, you know? I'll say this: been night here, take the margarita machine to night here land. Yeah, but you don't need a margarita machine to make margaritas. We can get 'em to do it by hand. You can? Plus, there's nothing better than getting all sauced up on Yard Mugs before you start firing weapons and shit. Do you know what I'm feeling? And I don't know if it's because we've been down here in the dark for so long and my vitamin C's so low, but a nice glass of lemonade

Oh, really? Yeah. Just because? It's been a while. Yeah, I just think I need that vitamin C. There's vitamin C in lemonade, right? I don't know. I don't even know what vitamin C is, but I hear that it's in there. I'll say I'm no scientist. Well, we could maybe just go train, you know, maybe take a few side quests. Oh, is that... Well, do you think that they have a, like a...

You know? Oh, like a training dummy? Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe they do, but I feel like we want to go out into the wild and really gain some experience. You know what I mean? Like, read the garden? I don't think we're ready for that. Well... If we went out into the wild right now, one of us is dying. Well, look, I mean, here's the thing. I'm not particularly trained, and I killed spiders, like, all night long. But to be fair, you had that wolf guy with you who is very trained.

Probably watching you back. But there's like five of us, you know what I mean? And you were also in a sleep-induced craze.

- I'll say I'm blessed by literal gods. - That's true! - We can't lose these blessed by gods. - What is this? There's an open wound on the side of your, I'm not gonna touch it, but it's bleeding. Where did that come from? Oh god, a fly's coming out of it, a fly's coming out of it, a fly's coming out of it. Wow, that was large. - You are healthy in my flock, child. - Oh, I don't know now if I'm blessed by literal god or if I'm cursed by fly demons. - It sounded like literal god to me.

Oh. Wait, I think the hunchman gave me, I think, a side quest or two. Maybe we can kill some time until it's nightfall. Well, it sounds like there's a thunderstorm outside. We could go play some baseball. You don't know how there's a thunderstorm underground, but... Wow! Oh.

So he gave me this quest that says make some felsimar blood sausages, and it needs bear meat, so obviously that's obvious. We gotta just kill the bears to get that, but it says we need three spider icores. Ah. And that's gonna take us all fucking day to farm those, so why don't we just go kill some spiders, you know?

I mean, the spiders drop the ichor far more than the... far more than those stupid birds in the Barrens drop their legs, which is fucking strange, considering each one of them has two legs, but every time you kill them, guess what? No legs. It's a nonsense to drop the... Or pig spleens. That's true. Why are these pigs running around without any spleens? Um, what do you need pig spleens for? Ah, it was that guy I was talking to.

He wanted some. He told me he would give me a book. In the book, I would be able to eventually, if I walked all the way across the world and gave him some other stuff, I would eventually be able to summon this weird-looking tentacle dog creature that could do my bidding. We go to farm boars and spiders in the underground equivalent of Elwynn Forest. Ooh! As you are all leaving the armory, you hear a, ooh!

Oh, there he is! We're off to Hau, we're off to Hau, because we're off to Hau. That was pretty good. Oh, sorry, sorry. More flies. You hear the buzzing as the creature known as Tuppence emerges. Formally known. Formally known as Tuppence. As he flies before you and he looks at you and he says,

The master has given you free reign of the castle. Well, obviously. Peggy owns the place and she said that we can go anywhere we want. Free reigns here. But the coachman is not to be trusted. The coachman is not to be trusted. Did you hear this? He tried to tell us that the coachman is not to be trusted. After everything you just told us, he's saying he's not to be trusted. Why is he not to be trusted? He's like totally to be trusted. That's his whole thing. He deals in the clean.

Alright, hold on. Let me, hold on. And I walk up to the vessel formerly known as Toppin's and I put my arm around his shoulder and I pull him aside and I say... Some tentacles kind of like grip around from his back. Yeah, it's kind of, and I try to like brush it off, but I lean in close and I say, Hey. You still look like Van Helsing. Yeah, I do. I'm still holding him. I'm still holding him. And I lean in close and I say, Listen, I know you don't know Grumly very well, but he really needs this. He doesn't get a lot of wins, alright? Yeah.

So do me a favor and knock this shit off. All right? The quarry you seek... What? ...is chosen of the great Plague Master. They will change as I have, as the Master has. They will join the reign of plague. Ha ha ha ha ha!

All right, well, all I'm asking is just, like, for the next, like, 12 hours, just stay off, get off our back and just let us have a little fun, all right? The master awaits in the library. All right, Gromley, we're good. Come on, man, we're gonna have a good time. He's the Lord of Leeches. Oh. The first rider of the Great Grub. Whatever that means. Maybe we should go, you know, pay him a visit. No. But Free Reign's here. Play.

The library is forbidden. We'll go farm. And he looks at you with his huge fly eyes as he buzzes off.

all right that was weird i'm sorry about that yeah no i i so wait what was the intention of that what did he say i miss most he said something about that we weren't supposed to talk to the carriage but he made a mistake all right we're allowed to talk to the coachman he's a good guy oh we're gonna have fun oh good cool all right yeah let's go have some fun we're gonna have fun let's join the pack oh here we go all right who won three ready here we go one two three ho

Alright, good work, team, let's go! Come on! Let's go! You make your way, outfitted, out across the drawbridge, and you see the Coachman. He is holding his axe, and he's holding a torch as he awaits, and he's standing very stoically, and as you arrive, he looks at you, Grumly.

And he looks, then he looks at your friends and then he looks at you all as if awaiting, giving you a knowing look of the subtle communication of canines, of can they be trusted? Can they be part of the pack? The moment that he looks towards us and I see the coach and I'm like, "Hey, check this out!" I hold the crossbow and I pull the trigger, but I pull it way too hard and it goes,

As like six crossbow bolts plow into the side of the coachman. Yeah, yeah. Like into the side of the coachman, sticking out. Oh, wow, oh! That thing has, the trick is a little touchy there. Sorry about that, guys. Still getting used to this thing. Whoa! I thought we could talk to each other now, because we're all wolves. Yeah, we can, but like we're doing sort of like a canine thing. You wouldn't really understand.

They're cool. They're cool. They're with me. They're part of the pack now. Very well. Whoa! Oh, you were right. His voice is way cooler. I say he can speak. It's really cool. I mean, that's right off the chain. I am Godfrey of House Silverpine. Silverpine. That's badass. Whoa. I say that's so badass. Damn. He's got a sexy voice. Well, he did. First thing he told me, he's like, the wolf guy's got a sexy wolf voice. I was like... I expected him to sound like that. I didn't believe it, but now I believe it. Are you prepared for the...

hunt that we have this evening. I mean, do you see what we got wearing? What we're wearing? We're ready. We're suited up. I'll say we actually came out here to do a little training. This is all Grumly, though. I mean, he got us ready. He picked out the outfits. He gave us our weapons. He knows what's going on here. Dude, with a voice like that, you should be a voice actor. That's so cool. You must pledge yourself to the pack of silver pine. All right, is Grumly the alpha dog here? Is he the alpha? No, no, no. I think he's the alpha. No, he's definitely the alpha. No, step up, Grumly. Be the alpha.

I mean, is there room for me to be the alpha as well? Would an alpha ask that question, probably? No! An alpha would say, "I'm the alpha!" Say it! Say it! It might be rude. "I'm the alpha." To say it louder! I'm the alpha! Yeah! You will need your companions to train.

Yeah! Yeah, we'll do that. Tell him all about the shitting beds. While you do that, I'm going to go get the bolts out of the side of the carriage. I'm so sorry about that. If I come up with some extra, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for it. And I spent like 20 minutes trying to pull these crossbow bolts out of the side of the carriage. I spared you the details, but I am a member of an order.

There was a great paper war between wolves. I'll say the prophecy! Holy hell, Bitsy knew about this! I knew it! I'll say the prophecy of absorption! Between the wolves and the bears of the woods, in our self-destruction, in our mutual destruction, we drove ourselves underground, away from the trees, away from the paper,

where I could prevent these shot and stains from ever achieving perfection. It's coming out, it's coming out, he's losing it. Oh no! So it is shot and stain! Oh! You just caused an injury, sir. Oh my god.

You cannot do that when someone's drinking. I can't believe we've had two spit takes in like two weeks. Oh my god. I don't think we've ever had that. Oh my god. Luckily, that one did not spray an entire side of the table like the other one. Oh, that was really close. That was the closest I've ever seen you. Oh man. Oh my god. Oh.

Holy! Oh, man. You grab yourself a bear. It's a self-control, sir. There were many of these blue bears during the Softness Wars. I say in the Forest Supply. In the Forest Supply, yes. It's a neighboring forest to the Dimwood. Forest Supply. And now the...

My order has hunted these monstrosities down, but three remain, the last descendant of the soft paw, the Privy Lord, and the Crimson Strait. Oh no, they've united! But they've killed my entire family, my entire order, and now we are all that remains. You killed your whole family? Yes. So that means that there's no Mrs. Silverpot, is what I'm understanding. Damn!

No. That's too bad. Mrs. Silverpine came to the dysentery. She became one of them. I had to enter myself. You had to enter yourself?

Oh, I think he said "and her." Oh, oh, oh, sorry, you're on the bad side. You're on the bad side, I got it. I, too, thought he said "and to himself." Oh. No, that's really sad. That's really sad. That's really sad, I'm sorry. Exhorption wars took on a different-- Very sad, very sad. My great ancestor, Lord James Silverpine, he was great with a rapier and he had almost slayed the heir

the progenitors of this great bear race, and he went down as history as Three-Hole Punch Jim. Oh, he's real! Three-Hole Punch Jim! He's your ancestor, James! Yes. Oh, James. I don't know if you knew this about me. I didn't! Oh, God!

Okay, I'm learning this for the first time, yeah. "But there is pestilence on the winds. "They grow in strength. "The abomination in that castle now "grows in power and he seeks

Unclean entities and there's no beings far more unclean than the Shardinstains. Oh, well that actually, that raises an important question. The vessel formerly known as Tuppence specifically said that you were like not to be trusted and it was because of something clean or something Mr. Clean. Never trust a night creature, boy. Well, I'm getting mixed messages here. You're telling me not to trust them, they're telling me not to trust you. Like, what are we doing here? Who Tuppence is dead. Well, the vessel formerly known as...

It's a evil soul from hell that was ripped from the inferno and placed into Tuppence's body to create that fly-like abomination. Wow, that's pretty metal. That's pretty fucking cool. But we totally trust you and definitely not trust them. I mean, Wygoth's pretty cool.

- I can't stand Wygor. The best thing about that guy is gone. The Margaritaville machine is gone. - Yeah, and honestly, his mangoritas were so much better than the margaritas. - Oh! - All the same, strawberry daiquiris. - Oh! Oh! Also worth mentioning, Wygor.

Mega pain in the dick. But he showed me his legs earlier. He grew like three more of them. They're like insectoid. It was weird. It was very, very weird. The Wygo that you have known has changed. I'll say there's definitely pain in the dick. I think I'm going to have to have this frozen off. If we survive the shot and stains, we may have to deal with him next. Oh, no. We got to deal with Wygo? That's the best news I've heard all day. We get to kill that bastard?

Well, we need to train before we take on Wargol. You do. We hunt tonight. But you need to train. And so I need you to go out and you'll need to kill each of you. Fifteen deep cavern spiders. Oh, shit. And I need from each of you eight...

- Deep cavern venom sacs. - Wait, wait, wait. - Each of us? - Yeah, like we don't share them amongst our inventories? - No, no. - What? - Hang on, is it a shared loot drop? - No, no, no. - Oh, it's no, come on! - No, they each have one. - I have a question, all right? - And they need to be pristine venom sacs. - Is it 100% drop chance? - Not a chance, no. - How many? - Now we're gonna be out here all night. - Each of you is eight. - Oh, this sucks! - I have a question for you. Let's say I take a drop

tag one of these spiders first, and then Booker comes up and he shoots us with a crossbow. Do I get it because I hit it first, or does Booker get it? Because he killed, what if Booker's the one that killed it, though? He deals the kill as well. It's entirely random. Son of a-- It's not even round robin!

Is there like a loot council? They respawn really quickly, right? Yeah, they probably respawn pretty quick. Once you kill all of them, it's about 30 minutes until they're gone. Well, at least we have all day. And the good news is that there's no way there's anyone else out there doing exactly what we're doing at the same time. No way. Who else is gonna be? No, I'm gonna kill these spiders. No!

Mike, so glad you're playing WoW. Oh, that was very fun. Where the fuck did all these people come from?

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avantris podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud Over Saltmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legendsofavantris.

If you want to chat about the episode with the Avantris community, join us on Discord at legendsofavantris.com slash discord. We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram. So make sure you follow our socials at legendsofavantris.com slash social. And make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5th edition supplement published by us. Get your own copy at thecrookedmoon.com. Thanks again and we'll see you next time.