Shownotes Transcript
Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Last time on the Dimwits of the Dimwood, Uprooted, you found yourselves in a castle. The guy who played Chuck from Better Call Saul was there. Or was that the episode before that?
No, that was the last episode. That was the last episode. Yeah. Wow. I think last episode you just made level six characters. Well, no, that doesn't count. You played the Happy Days board game, I think. And then you were visited, not by a spirit, as promised by Jean-Luc, because death no longer reigns here. But you were visited by, I know I don't know how else to say this, you were visited by a night creature. Yeah.
A spirit from hell ripped out and put into a corpse by a forge master. And Mr. Tuppence arrived, mutated into a fly, and you notice that things had been a little different overnight. Very odd changes overnight, but you just kind of went with, you know, you went with the flow. It was fun. And you met the... And you realized that you had to join the quest of...
of Godfrey Silverpine, the coachman who had once taken a vow of silence to talk. He has still taken a vow of silence to never speak to anyone beyond his inner circle, his pack. And you learn about his great, about his great order or something to kill the Shartan Stainbears and
What are we doing with our lives? The war of softness. That his ancestor was three-hole punch Jim.
That he had his kind had battle with the privy lords the Crimson Streak and the softballs That's what you ought to know over the grove of hidden softness the end of our lives is gonna like be in our eulogies and stuff Like we're toast. Yeah, and forever forever marked um after the death of elder Rollins Yeah, there was no going back in the war. Yes, I
And they're looking for the perfect wipe, but the silver pines are trying to prevent that on account of these being vile, vile bears. What love shitting? The shartan stains. Can I? We're all just like soaking in the realization. This is our job. I just want to. You. Can I come back for the next one? This is our job. Just like take a break until the next one. And the worst. I'm into it. Let's do this. Focus on the costumes. You went to the armory.
and realized effectively anything that you wanted was there. And you all really got equipped for fighting bears what love shitting. You really got equipped for fighting a vampire, but you already killed a vampire.
Day late and a dollar short. Story of my life. Just reciting the entire plot and dialogue of Rockadoodle. Yep. Which features a very oddly sexy chicken. I don't know if you're familiar with that. Oh, I am. It really is an unnecessarily sexy chicken. Yeah. Rockadoodle. She's hot. Yeah, it's really unnecessary. Rockadoodle is a rooster. Yeah. Yeah. Um. Another sexy chicken. Yeah. Holy hell. Yeah.
I told you. No, I gotta see. That can't be real. I told you. She's hot. What in the hell? She's real. She's hot. You can keep going. I'm just gonna do it. Rockadoo explains why I am the way I am. You all donned your outfits. Oh, right. And despite the strange happenings that-- Holy shit! That's what I'm saying. That allegedly Wygor had changed quite drastically. I remember my game now. And he was in the library.
Plague rains here. Even King George seemed to have been able to speak with a different voice and was mutated and flew off. She's a pheasant. She's not a chicken. Oh, she's a pheasant. I thought she was a chicken. I've been under the impression she was a chicken the whole time. Yeah, me too. What else happened? Oh, you then met Godfrey Silverpine.
And he said, before you go, you weren't ready, so you had to slay, I think, 10 deep web spiders. Oh, shit. And collect each, and then collect eight
intact, deep web venom sacs. Well no, so the problem was the tags were all shared. So once we got killed all ten, but we each needed ten of the venom sacs. You each needed ten of the venom sacs. And the drop rate was terrible. And the drop rate was terrible. And the loom was not shared. And weirdly there were also other people around out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There were other people farming. Just spawning in, crazy. Any other questions? Other than why, no. You left Godfrey Silverpine, who...
decided to sit there, stand there stoically with the silver question mark above his head, and you went off into the darkness. I don't know what's going on. I asked him if I could have a quest and he wouldn't give me one.
I don't know what's going on here. I keep asking, can I please have a quest? You won't give me one. Why not? I don't know. I thought that's how this game works. Look, I made that mistake too the first time. You can't type it out. You're supposed to click on him and then choose the option. Other people just walk up next to you and start laughing. Good day to you. So unintuitive. I'll say I have clicked on him, but it's just highlighting. It's the other click. It's either right or left. Oh! See you around. Sherell or ah. Ha ha ha ha.
Keep your feet on the ground. You tell him I used to play a little classic. You have to go up to him and tarp slash hail. Oh. Oh, no, I don't think that works. Well, in Everquest, it did. Are we in Everquest? No, we might be. Slash hail. We're trying to warcraft this, and we need to be Everquest in this. Anaria Shala. Oh.
I haven't spent enough time with the Worgen. I don't know what they said. I've never visited the Worgen. Fancy a cuppa? That's incredible. Oh my god. Yeah, that's exactly how they are. Oh, no, I think we already got our quest.
Are we going to RP the quest, or did we already do the quest? No, I think we already did it. I think we're back. Wow, that was-- whoo! No, you haven't. See, the question mark's still silver. Damn, I thought I could get away with that. All right, well, I guess-- I'll say all right. Up here it says zero out of ten. It's a lot of venom, Zach. So go up to him, bow your head, and say, "Bala-nosh, mala-noray."
I'm not going to say that. I don't know what that means. Balanash Malinori. You know how many times I've fallen for tricks like that? I'm not saying that. Look, it means something here. I'm looking it up right now on my magic phone. Oh, I'm sure it means something. I'm probably saying something awful to the guy. He's going to punch me in the mouth. I think it means greetings, traveler. These are dark times indeed. Oh, yeah, they're really dark times. We've got to kill a bunch of spiders and get their sacks.
- Hey you. - Just keep trying it. Try the dark times will pass. - The dark times will pass. - What can I do for you? - Oh. - No, no, that's great, that's great. - I'm worried. - What do we do next? - This guy was talking. - Say, these are dark times indeed. - These are dark times indeed. - Light be with you.
Okay, okay, it's working. Say, "Remember the sun well." Remember the sun well. Hey there. Spot on. That's exactly what it sounds like. Okay, okay, okay. Say, "Death to all who oppose us." Death to all who oppose us.
See you around. Shit! Shit! Okay, okay, okay. We have to start again. Are you getting dialogue options? I mean, what? Okay, okay. Go up to him and say, I do not suffer fools easily. I do not suffer fools easily.
I supply only the finest goods. That's great. This guy started worrying me. I mean, this guy was talking in full sentences. Well, first he was completely silent. Then he was having full conversations with us. Now he's just, like, not making any sense. What's going on here? It sounds like he's got wares, if we've got coins. I don't have any coins. I got nothing. Well, we could go back to that vault. It was full of, like, Scrooge McDuck levels of coins. Whoa. That's true.
I think this is just classic progression. I think that it's all narrative up until they give you the task, and then he wants nothing to do with you until it's done. I think we need to go get them spider sacks. Nothing to it but to do it. We gotta get the sacks, and then we gotta figure out how to...
give them to him because he clearly doesn't want anything to do with us. No. Look at the question mark. He definitely wants those sacks. Well, I know, but he's not communicating with us. You think just because we have the sacks in hand he's gonna... You think? It's worth a shot. No, it's definitely worth a shot. I think we should try it, but I think we should also try and figure out what would make... I don't know. I think that's the question mark. He's like, where are all the sacks? You would hope he would just say that to you instead of
Baladosh Malinore or whatever. You just say, where are my sacks? It's relatively unclear, but... Well, so here's the thing. We're going to collect all the sacks and we're all going to go up to him. And when we turn it in, he's going to want to just read a whole, like, multiple paragraphs of stuff. But he'll be like, ah, never mind, bye. And then we're going to move on. And we just move on with our lives. That's right. Escape. If we can't enjoy some sack-sharage, then...
Should we like draw lots to see who gets sacks first? I think we just start killing these things and we'll double them out as we get them. But we're gonna start fighting with each other like what if I hit it last and then I'm mad at you because you stole my sack? Let's just give them out alphabetically. No, we're all part of the same party. I don't think we can set loot rules that way. It's basically round robin. Well, if you're in my party, you're gonna completely destroy my experience bonuses.
Well, there's a party bonus, but you're right, we do split it five ways. Yeah, if we just don't party up at all, and it literally is every man for himself, then we get more experience, and we're more likely to get the loot items that we want. Well, but we could also theoretically mass pull spiders. That's true. In that scenario, we could kill them at such a rate that it all sets up. Oh, that's a really good point. Have you seen this thing? And I accidentally pull the trigger. Pfft.
Like 15 cross-levels sprayed through the air. Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry, sorry. It's very gentle. Stop pointing that at me. It's very sensitive. I'm not trying to. I think we mass pull. You are really lucky this isn't classic. Oh, see, kill three spiders, get over there. Let's go root them. Every single one of your arrows accounted for. I know. Those things are gone forever. I'm never getting them back, that's for sure. Well, as long as you guys heal me, I'll go put a bunch, all right? Well, hold on. I've got to summon my imp. Oh, you're right. Sorry, hold on.
I wonder what his name's gonna be. Oh! I'll say that's Rock! Shh! It's alright. She's concentrating. She's focusing.
Oh, look, it's Gakmat. Gakmat? Yeah, my old, old Gakmat. Oh, my God, is she a servant of hell? Oh, yeah. Is that son of Gakpit? Oh, you know it. I'm aware. This is the original one. Wow. Yeah, ever since the demons came back to you with the dim one, the magic's really kind of gotten out of hand. How have you been, Gakmat? Oh, you know, I've been okay. I've been in hell. You're looking good. A lot of eternal torture. Yeah, fantastic. It was...
It was really wonderful. I mean, it's very painful. Do you have some fireballs you can throw at some of these spiders for me? Fireballs? Yeah. Oh, man. What can you do? Well, I can run around you, scream, and then die and go back to hell. Okay. But if you die, I can summon you back for some more screaming? Oh. Yeah. I suppose you could.
I suppose according to contract, you technically ever since Demonic Magic came back to the realm on account of all four of the horsemen starting to reunite. Right here it says. With the end of all things coming to the Dimwood and all the other forest areas. Gekman, what's it like to be summoned? Were you doing something right before you showed up here? Yeah, put your penis away, Gekman. Sorry. I'm afraid of you having this.
Should we be concerned at all about the end of the day? Yeah, I was just reading some... I was on the toilet. And I was reading some comics. Yeah? It was really funny. See this? See, if cows try to make tools, they would be very attractive.
It all goes back to cow tools. At this point, all of our campaigns were just playing six degrees of cow tool separation. I love cartoons. Redfield's my favorite. Let me read this one. Oh, yes. I don't get it. No, it's like, what would happen if cows made tools? That's it. Yeah, but like, why are they shaped that way? Because cows can't make good tools. I mean, but what's the punchline? That's it. If cows made tools, what would they look like? That. But what...
What are you gonna use those tools for? You can't! The cows don't use tools! They're fucking cows! What's the point? Have you ever seen a cow use a tool? Lots of cows! I've known lots of cows in me life! Really? Yeah, they use regular tools as far as I know. Probably those don't look like tools. I'm with Grumly on this. It seems less of a punchline than- Got 'em! Holy hell! Are you okay? Was that a hairball? What was that? Oh, God!
Oh, sorry. He's still here and he's still not wearing pants! Why did you shout your own name? After I possibly screamed my own name, I only have a few minutes before I die terribly and go back to hell. Are you just gonna die terribly in a few minutes no matter what happens? We've already picked him up! And I get discharged and I go... And I start attacking a spider.
Oh shit, there he goes. Don't worry, I'll get him back. There he goes, okay. All right, here we go, everybody get ready. Grumly's pulling, Grumly's pulling, he's going. I heroic throw and I run over and I start pulling. Shadow bolt. I start pulling way too many. Shadow bolt. Way too many. You tell me, how does the, you go on your quest. Shadow bolt. You begin your quest going into the Skittering Deep. How does this go?
So basically if it's like the cave that has a big first open area, I'd pull like the one or two that's at the mouth of the cave. And then I'm going to run in and just collect all the spiders in that first big main chamber. Okay. And how does that go wrong? Um.
I don't think any of my friends can actually heal me. That's accurate. That's true. I have very little healing and I would not be using it. And I will be casting Eldritch Blast or Shadow Bolt, but every time, so I cast it and every time it's about to hit, that one dies. So the cast doesn't go off and I start over on the next one, but then that one dies and that's what happens.
With my awesome repeating crossbow, which is basically flavored by my Hunter's Prey Hordebreaker. Oh, yeah. I have the ability to attack multiple different targets over the course of a turn. I am trying to provide backup of the non-healing variety to Brumley and just mow...
these spiders down to the best of my ability. - So I've been attacking these things solo for like at least a good 10 seconds. - Okay. - The second he touches them, he pulls out a grom. - Absolutely, absolutely. I don't know how to say it, Scott. - I hold the trigger and I just unleash and all of the spiders change their direction. - All of them, yeah, yeah.
They begin to swarm you. I'll focus on these ones over here.
I will endeavor to assist Booker, but I can only target one creature at a time. So I just like absolutely annihilate one doing somersaults and uppercuts and spin kicks and then I move on to the next one and then I can't do any like ranged attack or anything like that. The combat log is literally just the spider has dealt 10 damage to Booker. The spider has dealt 10 damage to the spider. It's like going really fast. Ahhhh!
- I type GG noob tank as I'm firing my whip out just missing every spider and I haven't landed a blow yet. - I had attempted to cast like rain of fire on top of Grumly right as Booker pulled so as they all move out of the area, all of these fireballs begin to slam the ground around him. - All your mana is gone. - All of my mana is gone.
- Occasionally, amongst all the damage log, occasionally it will say Jean-Claude's one hand has increased by one point. Jean-Claude's one hand has increased by one point. - Oh yeah. - Oh yeah. - As your weapon's still slowly going up. - Your whip proficiency. - And I might die a few times, and so I'll just, you know, res at the graveyard and I'll do the corpse run and come back.
We'll kill, I don't know, how many spiders we have to kill to get 50 sacks? We kill like 200 spiders to get about 3 sacks. We divvy them up between some of us. As you kill 200 spiders, you realize that you have between you, I would like you all to roll 1d4.
That's a bad sign. Oh no. Oh no. I got a three. I got a three. Okay. I got a one. I got a three. I got a three. You have that many, uh, man, I'm sad. Oh, crap. I got three. I got three. I'm gonna make a little thing. How many did we need? We needed, what, five? Ten. Ten. I also have three.
Shall we all have three? Okay, well if we just give them-- Well, I'll say I have one. The drop break, literal God has not been kind to me in terms of drop breaks, yeah. It looks like your weapon's broken. Oh, shit! Gotta go all the way back to that guy. Do you even have any money to repair?
We got a couple copper off of those spiders. I'm hoping the guild hasn't set the rules to not allow certain ranks to use the-- Oh, Guild Bank repairs are on? I didn't know we were doing so well. I'm hoping Guild Bank repairs are on, because otherwise I might have looked. I mean, Mr. Silverpine looked like he was doing pretty well for himself, so I would imagine his guild's stacked. I'll say I'll be back, everybody. How does he do that? Oh, he's sprinting. You guys all run, and I don't know how to do that.
- What? - Well, you're RP walking all the time. You just have to toggle it off. - Toggle what? Really? - You're RP walk. So that way you're not just sauntering. Yeah, you're just, it's the button, you never know. - I'm gonna keep reading about what new WoW players need to do. - It's forward slash, Bitsy. Forward slash.
Can I kill this city guard? I mean, you can't. Probably not until you're a bit stronger. His level is a skull. That means that he's real tough. But you can try. And we're not in a city and there are no guards. We're in a cave. Just say, we should raid Orgrimmar. We should raid Orgrimmar. What's that? Oh, she did it. You see as...
Three strangers arrive, and right as you're going to another nest of spiders, they begin to start killing them. And killing the spiders. What?! As you see that they are having great success, and everyone that they kill, they're pulling out venom sacs. And they're having a great success with it. We should just kill those guys, we should get enough sacs!
This is a PvE server, Bitsy, we can't kill them! See how the name above their head is green? Yeah. I attempt to level the crossbow at one of the guys who I see pulling a venom sack at and attempt to pull the trigger on my repeating crossbow to see if this is truly a PvE server. Well, the dimwood is-- the woodland is at war. This is a PvP server. This is a PvP server. Are they our faction or no?
They seem to all be moles. Well, I pulled the trigger on my repeating crossbow. Oh, hey guys, you want a... As one mole is filled and peppered and his gut is filled with crossbow bolts as he falls down, as he slumps forward, as he looks at you...
I look over my shoulder and I say, His two friends, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go over to him and I'm just gonna keep sitting down over and over on his face. His two friends look at you and scream and they turn towards, into, into, like they, you were in between them and the exit of this cave of spiders and they start running in as you hear horrible screams as the spiders all begin to descend upon them. Ah!
I look back at my show and say, guys, I don't think this is PvE. Oh, well, what have you done, Booker? It's going to be okay. No, I think I killed a guy. No, well, once you die, you're going to be a ghost, all right? And then you're going to show up with this nice pretty angel lady. Just run back in the ghost world here and you'll be fine. Yeah, so before he gets back, we all have to come over here and teabag him just over and over and over again. I just wanted to see if he had any of the sacks on him. I'm not really worried about anything. Oh, no, you can't loot him. Well, I've got to try.
Well, you gotta do it this way. Wait, there's tea? I could go with tea. You just come over here and you just sit up and down on this guy over and over and over again to show him your dominance. That is suggestive. What does it have to do with tea? I don't know, he's dying. What are we doing? You're saying, are you dead? Why is he not dead yet? Can we, like, finish him off here? What if the rest of you would do what Bitsy and I are doing and maybe we would finish this? Stop trying to move, fuck.
I would heal you, but I lost my ability. Don't heal him, we need to loot his body. We need those venom sets. Well maybe you should throw another crossbow bolt at him. I'll say I'm back from the repair. And I levy the crossbow out of the game and I pull the trigger. I try to finish this guy off. Bitsy, we might need to sit faster. You do and they all go into his gun. Oh no! Faster Bitsy, faster! We got him! He's not dead yet.
Why is he not dying? Maybe because they're both sitting on his face. Why would that keep him alive? I don't know, maybe he's giving him a-- Hold on, hold on, I'll use one of my limit breaks. I'm gonna use-- I'm giving him a second wind. I'm gonna use beat rush. Ooh. Whoa!
She turned all glow-y and rainbow! I shine a lot, there's a slot machine mechanic that doesn't make sense for this character, and then I punch him to death. Oh, you gotta be in a gut shot, it's gonna take me-- Oh, thank god. All right, now check him for venom sacs. See if he's got any venom sacs on him. I check him for venom sacs. Make an investigation check. Okay. Holy shit. What have we done? 17.
Oh, 17. You immediately find that he was very close. He had nine venom sacks. Oh, shit! I got all the rest of my... I got two left over. Who wants the other two? I'm here. Teabag number two. Here, have two sacks. See, I knew that would pay off. It was worth it. Now I got half. I got half of what I needed. I got all the sacks I need. How do I get out of this dungeon? You can release now.
You know what this is like, man? You can release your spirit, Mr. Mole Man. I don't know if he's gonna. He might just be gone for good. No, he released his spirit. He could have disconnected. He might have just rage quit, honestly. He probably thinks we were gonna camp him and just keep doing, griefing him over and over again. He's just grabbing a snack. We should move on.
and move further into the cave. Well, we still need roughly 47 venom sacs or something, so... And there are those two other mole men who are being devoured by...
Oh no, Opal, oh no, CC him, oh, oh, we're running. Oh, he's gonna lose aggro, oh. We need to help them. Well, no, we should, well, we should help the spiders and then finish the spiders off. I'm already gone, I'm running. You notice that he starts to smell like,
He almost has this smell, he's rotting almost like instantly. As flies are just descending upon him, almost seemingly out of nowhere, as they're crawling all over this corpse. Jesus. This guy's rotten! Guys! This guy's rotten! How do I fucking... Just me and Arthur!
I chat WWWWW. And stop moving. Stop moving immediately. I'm running off into the cave to try to help these guys.
Okay, let's make an athletics check to see how well you do. Oh, I need to die for that. I'm also running after Grumly. He's ahead of me. But my goal is not to help these guys. It's to shoot them. Okay, contest. Acrobatics or athletics against Grumly. Yeah, I'm not really in a rush. I just, you know. Never mind. I got a 15. You know, I'm just stating my goal. 15. You manage, as they look very weak, they are covered in spider bites, as there are at least six large, hairy, green spiders.
that are chasing them. As you see that one, one, his, both of his legs are caught in this thick, dense webbing. God,
No, I can't leave you! Wait, he's not moving? He's not moving? Don't shoot! Get off me! Gromley gets there first. That's fine. That's fine, Gromley. You better save this guy, because he's fucked! Is he like the web, like, mob that I can attack that has a health bar? He's starting to look like that now, yeah. All right, cleave into the web again. Make an attack roll. All for you! Make an attack roll. Oh, that is a...
It was a 17 plus. I didn't equip a weapon, but I think it's a plus eight. So 17, 25. You feel the power of Dracula surge through you. Wait, I forgot, I hate God. I forgot. Oh, God. Ah!
I'm free! He's severed in half. Oh, I immediately shout out, "Nice job, Gromley! Great job!" And the last mole is just screams as he begins to run deeper into the cave as there are six spiders now around you. I try to kill the other mole man. Make an attack roll. It disadvantage to your farm. Okay. I have a hundred range, if that matters. Range of a hundred feet.
The first one's going to be a 19. Okay. And the next one's going to be a 14. 14. You go...
It kills three of the spiders, and then you feel like you didn't hit him, and then you realize one kind of limped forward, got him in the ankle, and he just lets out a horrible yelp as he falls forward, and the remaining spiders... As I watch him fall to the dirt and get consumed by spiders, I think to myself, no, I think out loud, I never knew hunting men for sport would be so fun.
I would help Grumly as long as we've killed all the spiders. Booker! Yes, Grumly? I killed him. You did, you got him good. You cut him in two. You bisected him right down the middle. I did, now it's time to loot him. Yeah, that's right. I mean, that's why we did this.
I'm just waiting for this post-combat cutscene to end. Okay, alright, alright. *Bitzy's singing* Hit X. Keep hitting X. BITZY, HIT X! *Bitzy's singing* Bitsy, please! This goes on for 20 minutes. *Bitzy's singing* And then eventually I find X and I...
Oh, Booker. Yeah? Something has changed within me. I think me too. And all I had to do was hate God and curse his name. Yeah. It helps to, you know, spill some, you know, moment blood too. My body has been changed. Oh yeah? It's been empowered by the profane might of Heck. Heck?
Yeah. Heck. You can say hells, the hells. Oh, shh. Oh. That's a bad word, Booker. You can't say hell. I mean heck. It's not that bad. It's heck. It's just a word, you know? The hells. You're not supposed to say it. You're not supposed to? No, say it. No, it's heck. Heck? I'm a heck knight. You're a heck knight? I'm a knight of heck. You know what, Grumling? Whatever makes you happy, brother. Look, see my armor? I do. It's grotesque and vile.
Crom- Crom-y? Call me Grumdy Impaler. Grumly- I cleave his head off. Ow! And I take the mole head. That doesn't seem necessary at all! I add it to the pike on top of my halberd. Good gods! There's a second mole head that's much fresher than the old mole head. You're not even- you won't say hell, but you just decapitated that guy. No, it would be profane. You desecrated his corpse!
Yeah, but that's one of my things. Good, even I think that's fucked up. You know, Grumly and Payload. Ooh, venom sacks. Oh, how many does he have left? We go to see how many venom sacks this guy had. This guy had nine. Yes! Oh, you know, Mistress, those spider bites are very painful. I take five, and I give four to Grumly. That's so nice. I have seven. Yeah, I was trying to follow you, but I kept drawing aggro from the other spiders. Can you
And I get-- Hold on. And also, why were you attacking spiders we had nothing to do with? All the way off in the deepest, darkest parts of the cave. It's programmed into my hellish DNA. I was wondering why they weren't following me. I'd run past them, they would start to attack me, and then they would run away. I knew that. And then I'd come back.
And I feel it every time. I don't forget the pain. I don't forget dying. Does it touch and get any easier?
No, no, no, no. It actually gets worth, actually. So if I right-click on you and dismiss, do you feel that, too? Yes! I die. I guess that's a yes. His flesh disintegrates into just a skeleton. I start to summon him back. Oh, God, this is taking all of my mana. Anybody got some milk?
I don't think I do, no. You got a skein of water. I think I do, but I don't think you want it. You have some nectar, juice of the gods? I'll check. And I summon him back. I've got a rusty knife and a mess kit in the one ring. Smash. I am sound wrong. Oh, I'm back.
Oh, I feel phantom spider. Welcome back. Oh, yeah, that's okay. All right, good news. I only need two more venom sacs. Grumly only needs three. What's everybody up to? You're up to ten. You're good. I've got all the sac I need. Oh, shit, I accidentally put the imp on aggressive. Oh, there he goes. It's at this point, Jean-Claude, you hear a voice. My child. Oh.
Did you hear what that pug just said? I said, is that you, little guy? Yes. Jean-Claude, it is I. Well, yes, in fact, I did hear what he said, that he was a hacknaut.
Oh! And then he said, I hate God. I guess that was what I meant. Are you speaking of the time he said, I hate God, I curse his name. Yes. Can you believe that shit? I thought maybe you were talking about the time he accidentally said hell instead of heck and let it slip. I mean, that's not good either. I don't know.
That other one is a little worse. Oh, Jesus.
Well, literal God, what would you have me do? Jean-Claude Belmont of House Belmont is your first sword, the tip of your spear. Are you going to take that laying down? Well, I mean, it didn't say about me. I mean, I'm just saying, do you want me to say it? Are you going to let him talk to me like that? LAUGHTER
Oh my god. In this setting, God is the girl at the bar who's like, gets drunk and starts shit with people and then is like, aren't you going to stick up for me? Aren't you going to do something about this? It's like, no, no, I'm not going to do anything about this. I'll say, I'll say, little God. Oh, okay, I'll confront him. I'll confront him. Who the fuck is John talking to? I don't know. I don't know what he's doing. Oh, he's coming over here. He's going right for Grumly. John, is everything all right? You seem confident.
He's moving with a swagger that I've never really seen before. Yeah, it's ever since he put on that outfit, he's changed. I say, and looking at you with my, like, crazy beautiful human face with red eyes and a total human body. He looks totally different, it's insane! Oh!
I say, Brumley, you have done several affronts to God as yourself a heck not. And one of them was that instead of saying heck, you said hell. Oh, you heard that? I did hear it. You know who else heard it?
Who? The literal God himself heard it. Way up above. From the literal God. Are you talking to literal God? I'm talking to literal God. He spoke to me. And not in one of those ways where it's like, he spoke to me and I heard it on the wind. No, he spoke to me with words. Straight to me. Wait, literal God? Yeah.
You heard his voice? I did, in fact, and he heard you curse him to the heavens. And then he said, he showed up and he was like, well, John Clowder, you're going to let him talk to me like that? And I said, no, literal God, I'm not. I'm going to confront him and say that that was a very poor thing to do. And did he answer all of your prayers? Well...
No, uh, well, I don't know. Uh, no, he just asked me to confront you. Oh, I hate that guy! Oh, no! No! There he is again. There he is again. No, hey, you stop that right now. Hey, I said stop that right now. Hey, put that fist down. I can't believe he's doing this. Hey, put that away. Curse you. Hey, no, put that down. You can't do that. Angry punk. Hey, no. Hey, bad dog. Bad dog.
Well, I'm a
Oh, that's a literal god. I mean, a literal god above. I mean, looking right down at him, and his light shining behind him. Oh, I see the nun. He's lost. Jean-Claude, my chosen. Are you going to accept the heretic in your presence?
I don't know what's going on here. Suffer not the heretic, Jean-Claude. I want to see them fight. I don't want any of us to fight. You're a heretic, and I don't know when you got so boingy, but you're a heretic of the highest order. What are you talking about?
Oh no, she's hot! It's really hard to look her in the eye. It's really tough. What are you talking about? "Tongue along, stay chaste." "I mean, those are pretty nice, but come on, man." "You have the blessed vampire killer."
You are the vampire killer! You literally killed a vampire! I think you carved these by hand, my friend. I can't not stare upon your work. I mean, I guess it is my finest work. Jean-Claude, who are you talking to? What is going on here? Well, Booker, this may come as a surprise,
but ever since I donned this cloak and took the house of Belmont, I've been spoken to by a literal god. Not just spoken to, but empowered by him. And what is he saying to you? Why you got a beef with Brumley? Well, he's telling me to, like, you know, don't suffer heretics. I kind of don't like the literal god. You know, I cursed his name, and I said he's not very nice. All right. Well, it appears we're reaching an impasse here. How are we going to get past this? And why is it just Brumley? I've summoned an erect imp like 15 times, and he's had to...
No, I think literal God is okay with that one. I mean, he's kind of funny. Must I be aggressive, mistress? Well, you know, you can put your penis away to start. Every time with the penis. What are you doing in hell? I mean, they not have pants in hell. In these houses, a lot of fucking sex. Where are you from, Gackman? What stands in my hand, mistress?
Oh, you're on defensive. What the fuck did you just say? That's very funny. That's very funny. I don't need to justify anything to you. No, I'm just curious. All right, hold on. Let me pacify him. I'm going to put him to pass. Whatever you want. Well, anyway, off with me and you. We could be friends, you know? Both empowered by heck. I'm going to make him aggressive.
He runs off. He runs off. He runs off. There he goes again. I thought he was going to be shitty. He just keeps getting killed. A spider from like 60 yards away finds him. Ah! Oh, it hurts so much! Way past like 10 other spiders in between him and that one. It's amazing he can stay erect the whole time he's dying. Ha ha ha ha ha!
That is a true talent. That's a generational talent. Even I'll admit.
He's just not very strong. All right, so what are we gonna do? Are you guys gonna be able to work together here? We've got a serious thing in front of us here, and we gotta get past this. We gotta work together. We're not gonna be able to beat these bears without some help. Well, as long as Grumly doesn't directly blaspheme God to his face in front of me. Well, that's probably going to happen, so what are you gonna do about it? I don't know what I can say. All I know is when you're a heck, you're a heck all the way. And...
There's no going back, you know, unless he wants to, you know, call for a truce.
Who's calling the truce? You gonna call a truce with a god? Well, no, with Jean-Claude, I still curse and call literal gods. Oh, I can't believe this. I curse to you, literal god. Shut up! You're stupid. I'll say, well, hang on, let me talk to him. Literal god? Yes, my son. Is it okay, just for the sake of the plot, is it okay if I strike a truce with Gromit, even though he's a egg knight, so we can continue forward?
Tell him he's stupid. Tell him-- I'm not telling him he's stupid. Shut up! Gromit, shut up! Gromit, stop cursing God! I'm trying to talk to him! How could he let the cancellation of Renfield and friends happen? I prayed so hard and it still happened. Is that what spawned all this? You just-- 'cause you lost Renfield? Well, that, and I also prayed for a Sega Dreamcast for Christmas and I never got it. Well, you should be mad at Santa about that, not God. Isn't Santa a servant and worshipper of literal God? Hell no. Heck no, sorry. Oh!
Who does he serve? This whole time I thought that he was a saint! No penguins are full of sperm.
I don't know what to say today, Maggie. Is that true? All I've got to say is if you were Santa Claus and you were living somewhere with a bunch of sperm-filled penguins, it's not God you're going to be working with. Penguins live in the South Pole. Tell her that. You don't know anything about this. I'll say God says it's penguins. I was going to make a joke about the North Pole being straight north, but God cleared it up beforehand and said penguins are in the South Pole. And this...
That doesn't have anything to do with sperm, I don't think. And this is why we can't listen to anything that Jean-Claude says. Because clearly we already know that I'm the one that created the universe anyway. And I was just playing with you and you're weak. I can't believe this heresy, Jean-Claude. I'm telling you. It's the penguins in the North Pole filled with their sperm that control Santa Claus. You're saying that Santa Claus is a real person? Santa Claus is just your parents. What? No. Yeah. No. And that's why every single Christmas I never got anything because my dad's a bum.
I don't think that's why. Were you a bad boy, Booker? No, because then I would have, well, maybe, but I would have gotten something, at least coal. I would have gotten nothing. So you only get coal if you're good at being bad. If you're bad at being bad, then you get nothing. I don't know about that. Look, all I'm saying is that it doesn't add up. There's no way that some guy can deliver gifts to all of the dimwood in one night. It's not possible. How do you know that your dad, you're good for nothing. Yeah, he's a bum. No good father didn't steal your presents and
trade him in for money to go down to the gambling hall. That is something that he would do, but what I'll tell you is that he just told me. He's like, look. You believe everything your father tells you? Santa's not real. No. He said, I'm Santa, kid. Of course he would. And you're not getting anything because I'm a no-good, dirty bum. Of course he would tell you that so that you didn't look for the presents he was stealing. I don't believe it. Santa's not real. I'm calling it. You can tell your God. Ask your God. Ask your God if Santa's real. No, don't ask your God. Ask your God. I'll say literal God. Yeah, that's my thought.
I say Booker wants to know if Santa is real. And I got to tell you, he's saying some real fucked up shit over here. So I think that whatever you say has got to bring him around. You tell him that Santa's real. Man, I think he needs a win. No, I want the truth. Hey, I'm praying. Hey, I'm praying right now. You mind your business. Tell him, God, I want the truth. This is why your dad didn't bring you any Christmas presents. Because he's a no-good buck. Because I interrupt prayers. Tell him that he's real. I say, I say, God, no.
Why do you keep doing that? Whoa, what were you saying? Oh, that's some auto-aggression. Oh, Santa. Ah, say Santa. Oh. Of course Santa's real for those who believe. Ah, say, ah, say. Oh, tell you the heretic that mediocre children get nothing.
Uh, which heretic? I think they're all heretics at this point. Uh, you may, that may be so. On account of that one summoning literal demon to Mac. Oh my goodness. I think the ushering in of demons into the Dimwood was probably a bad thing that has happened.
I say, I say, Booker, Santa Claus is real. The glitter of God has told me himself. But he's got claws. All right, you know what, probably I'm on your side.
I'm on your side. Curse this guy. So take your fish. No, hey, put that down. Shake it. No. No. No. No. No. No. He said Santa Claus is real to those who believe. You can't start cursing God. You're going to continue to get no. How's he feel about this? Curse you. No. I can't believe this. I can't believe this. No.
God is a gas to Joe actions good booger. No, please No, can we go back to killing spiders in peace like good? Belmont really need to be careful because if you keep down this path and Santa's gonna send all of the penguins filled with sperm to your house on Christmas Eve You really don't want and you don't want that to happen
He knows when you're sleeping. He knows. He knows. Oh, yeah? He knows when you've been sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Yeah, okay. He's going to find out, Booker. All I'm saying is that you aren't, all of you aren't the only people that have gods on your side. All right? I got all night here in my back pocket. Well, he's a demon, isn't he?
Demon God, what's the difference? Basically, they say I'm way cooler than the literal God. Thank you. What's he ever done for anybody? I don't know. I mean, he talks to me a whole bunch. What's Nair ever said? Feed me blood. Oh, tell him that Nair and Sirkul are lesser demons. Oh, of course. They're not dukes of hell. Literal God has said that Nair and Sirkul are lesser demons. Oh, that's bullshit. They're in fact not dukes of hell. No, now this guy's not. He's lying.
Jean-Claude is lying about what his god's saying. - Well, I don't know. I pray fealty to the Duke of Hell, so I mean, you know. - Did you just say hell? - Grumly, please stop the last Freeman. - You're changing, Grumly. - You're not who you used to be. - I can't believe this. You'd allow this, Jean-Claude? - I can't believe I said that. - I can't believe this. - Grumly, you seem different. - I've him different, bitch. - I think that's gonna be a 50 DKP minus.
Oh yeah, and he's a dragon. Oh yeah, well, I have the traits of a dragon, I'm still a pug, but once we get into actual combat, you'll see. That I am Draculia. Did you just see that? I think you just lost reputation points. What? With God. What? You just lost reputation points with God. Oh, I didn't know you could go below hated. You weren't hated yet. Oh!
There it's going. These guys are really getting hates of very strong words. I'm with you. I'm with you. God. You literal God. Hates of very strong words. I'll say, God, what are
If only I had a bucket of water right now. You gave me a whip of vampire killing and neither of them are vampires. Give him the one four, Jean-Claude. Don't take this one. There we go. Good job. Take my fist to you two. No, shake him at me. No, no.
- No, no, no, no, he's good for lots of stuff. - He canceled Redfield. - Well, he said Redfield had a mediocre ending. - I start summoning my succubus and she appears in front of all of them and she casts succubus charm. - She does. - So you have to be her now, Michael. - Oh.
- Well, well, well, what do we have here? - Oh, I see. - Uh-oh. - This must be an angel sent from heaven, a literal god. What does the succubus look like? - You know,
- She's got a corset. - She's got a corset on. - Devil hooves. - She's devil hooves, she's got a tail, bat wings. - What about the rockadoodle? - She's got a leather garter, she's got garters on. She has impressive jiggle physics. - You realize, as the succubus appears, that she does have all of that. - Yeah. - But it is Gakmat with water balloons and a bra. - We're still charged.
Oh, wow. Look at that. Jean-Claude, that's no angel. Look at those hooves. Well, hey there, big boy. You think that's an angel? That ain't no angel. I don't actually know. Okay, yes, Mithril, he's my... It's Gak Mama. I'm interested. Yeah. And can you do that charm thing? Because they're fighting, and it's frustrating. Oh, yeah. Whoa! Oh!
It's like we never left the fox's hole! Let's go! What are we even talking about before Nisqy? It doesn't matter, we're in this together, boys! Oh man! No, no! I got my whip and I got this spear! She has a whip and she occasionally cracks it. Oh no! Careful, man! I didn't know that could be fun!
So, if we can all agree to just finish getting these spider sacks, I'll keep Gackmama out for the entire time. Deal! Don't say another word! If you're all really good, I'll put her on aggressive. Let's go! We're winning good! All right! Yeah! Here we go, Trace! I'm going to put so many spiders! Let's go! Oh yeah! Finzi suddenly pops back into existence. Sorry, my app crashed. I'm back, I'm back.
What happened? Can you put your penis away? Oh no! We continue to kill spiders. I only need two more sacks. We strike like a well-oiled machine. We're such a team. We are leveling up. We're going ding. If you know what I mean. We're killing spiders.
- You do that, Gakmama, you accidentally click aggressive and runs off and just gets immediately annihilated by spiders. But you feel like the experience has brought you all closer together.
as that annoying voice in your head is quiet for now. Jean-Claude. I wouldn't have called you annoying. I'll say, literal God's very good. I can't believe you would call me annoying, Jean-Claude. No, I corrected the DM, so. That really is very, very insulting. And you manage to get 50 pristine venom sacks. Well, well done, everyone. I'm proud of all of us. We finally did it. It's been...
12 hours, but we were able to do it. We did it. Finally. Why were we doing this again?
We gotta take you back to that guy with a question mark above his head. Oh, man, I forgot about that. What was he gonna do? We were gonna get some level up so that we can go fight the shot and stain bears. Yeah, and hopefully he stops being catatonic and starts having conversations with us again. We gotta join his war. It's gonna be rough. This was all a part of our attunement to the shot and stain bears jungle for us. No, we were gonna join his pack, the wolf pack. That's right. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's gonna be so cool. I'm so excited. As you're leaving the cave, you hear... You see a bit of movement in the spider cave. What's that? I wonder what that is. Do we care, or do we just wanna... Well, maybe Booker, go check it out. All right. There could be a treasure chest over there. Oh! I'll roll for that if there is. I scurry on over to see what is making that noise and movement. You see that there's a very emaciated mole.
in squire's gear as he's wrapped up and he says, "My friends were coming to save me." Oh no, no, no, no. This is an escort quest. We should get out of here. Don't you dare release him. Those take forever. I look around. Don't you dare, Booker. And I just fill him full of crossbow bolts as long as nobody's looking.
And I come back. What was it? Nothing. Oh. Nothing. It was a... We were just squatted. No idea. Not sure. That was close. Yeah, I don't know what that was. Water droplets in the cave. Yeah, probably. For sure. It doesn't matter. Let's move on. Let's get out of here. All right, let's go get a tune. We got a quest to turn in. Let's go. Bitchy, hit forward slash. This is worse than an escort.
Yeah, it really is. I guess we can just leave it behind. I'll stay with her. We're fine. Once we get out of the cave, I... Oh, you know what? When we get there, we'll just summon her. We'll just put down a stone, we'll just summon her. I forgot you were a warlock. That's fine. No! What were you saying, George? Once we get out of the cave, I summon my shining steed.
Light, light, Tyrion's light-forged charger. And, 'cause nobody else has a mount. As they all walk back, I just run. Well that's what you think, I have a bunch of heirloom gear, so I'm gonna get my chauffeur. Oh. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. You get an error message, can't mount indoors. Got 'em. I'll see you guys there.
*Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real
I guess we'll walk. We cannot mount them all. So we'll hustle, I'm basically waiting for a while. Cause she's an airship. Oh yeah. Unfortunately when I get there I find out that there isn't a space to land. So I have to go over and around the forest and I have to go through the ancient forest in order to finally make my way back to the cave. You have a very mystical adventure.
- You meet friends that you'll never forget. - Hi friend I'll never forget. - You find enemies that are just the most vile fiends you've ever experienced. - Holy shit, you-- - And you gain and lose a whole lot of loot and eventually you arrive out of the woods at the same time that your friends arrive to Godfrey Silverwood. And you all show up and then there is a golden exclamation or question mark above his head.
Oh my gosh, we did it. Oh my gosh. It changed. It did change. All right, hold on, I've got this. I'm gonna walk up to him. Anaria Shala. You have found all of the venom sacks. Yeah. Well done. Victory lies ahead.
Yes, my backstory is very tragic. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. I'll skip, skip, skip. Here you go. Well, the next part of the quest, and as gold as you hand over all of the venom sacs. Okay, but do I want the gold, do I want the shoes, or do I want the belt? You feel golden energy surge as you get your magic item of choice.
as you surge with golden energy as you arrive at level six. Finally. You double your level. Ding! You double in level. I say Grats. Grats, Gromley, Grats. Grats, everybody. Grats, everybody. Grats, Peggy. Grats all around. Grats. Grats. Grats. Grats. Grats. Grats all around. You can call me T. Gold Bitsy now. Oh. Oh.
It's very distracting. I'll get it now. As you had gone back though, you noticed that the mole, the gut-shotted mole is no longer there. Huh? Oh. Can we actually get a magic item for our toy? Yeah. Oh, cool. Let's keep it very rare. Very rare. Very rare or lower. I'll look on the break. Yeah, me too. I know what I want. You said the mole...
That was the squire is no longer there? Or the mole that you didn't really see, but you realize now that he was also wearing squire's gear. Okay. These seemed like to be a bunch of mole squires from the great underground duchy that had been perhaps going on their own quest and had all been massacred. Never to return. But it's odd that the gut-shotted mole is no longer there as you see that there's this strange green slime. Oh, God. It's very putrid.
I'm sure that's fine. Yeah, it's normal. I mean, it's cave slime. I think that was actually here when we walked in. Probably. And as you approach, you know, you're probably a good half mile away from the castle, but you hear the buzzing as you approach Godfrey Silverpine. While he's waiting at his coach, his two wolf spiders are standing very patiently. He's just standing completely perfectly still until you hand over the...
the Venom Sacks. As you see off in the distance, what had once been the great stone castle of Count Morlock is
this strange amalgam of hive and flesh seems to be pulsing as great swarms of insects, of bugs are buzzing all around it. And the stench is wafting in your direction. It is a grotesque sight and a grotesque smell. As you see that the castle is effectively unrecognizable.
as it seems we've been turned into this vile monument of pestilence.
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You all feel the power surge through you as Godfrey takes the, uh,
the venom sacs and he places it into a large, lined chest that he has. It seems to be lined with this strange glowing substance. And he closes it and then walks over and there's a rack at the back of the stagecoach. He places it on and he ties it down with leather straps. As he's doing that, what do you all do? This is it. We've done it. We've ascended. We've achieved. And now it's time
To go on your ultimate quest? To kill those fucking... Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Return. Don't you mean fricking? What? Well, isn't fucking a bad word? Fucking's a bad word?
Yeah, it's like the worst of the bad. It's a lot worse than hell. It's right up there. Booker says it all the time. He wouldn't say bad words like that. He says hell all the time, too. No, I say bad words almost every other word. He also doesn't get Christmas presents. He probably says more bad words than he says good words. He is real. Now, if Santa were real, Night Here would just eat him. Okay, tell that to the penguin sperm, all right? I will, and then Night Here will also eat the penguins. Oh. Well. Yeah, I bet.
I think he is not going to like the tummy that he has in the morning. Night here doesn't do you a blinking eye. All right, that's right. Like a fucking pack of Gushers. Gross, but also well done. Oh my God. Well, all I know is that I have a Duke of Heck on my side, so, you know, I can't really complain. Maybe he likes it. I say, fuck.
- No. - I don't. - Wow, you're, you're, you're-- - It feels weird to say that now. - Yeah, it's really unnatural coming out of the mouth. - I like this new attitude, I mean. - No, I think you should start saying frickin', it's weird. - This is the kind of thing, this is the ferocity we need to take into the war against the bears. - I feel so different. - You can say frickin' aggressively, you don't, I mean, try it. - Yeah, there's frickin' bears. - See, that's so much better. - Frick literal god, too. - You are. - Yeah, there you go. - We are descended from the same blood.
Oh, uh, by the way, not to change the subject, but why hasn't anyone said anything about that? And I point to the castle.
Oh my god! Oh my literal god. What did you do? That's fine, I'll let it pass. I've been standing facing this direction for 24 hours. What are we gonna do about that? The castle didn't look like that at all not that long ago. Kinda smells. I was thinking we could, you know, there are five of us, if we don't count him, we could go do, you know, Scholomance.
You do have a five-man party. That's very interesting. Do you think my philosopher from the crooked moon costume is ruined? Oh, absolutely. I think it might be. Oh, no. What school events?
Long story. We'll catch up later. What's Mythic Plus? It's actually quite historical. It's not in this version yet. It's not in this version yet. It's the best thing ever. It hasn't been invented yet. No, it hasn't been invented yet. We could do Stratholme. This is before all that. Maybe we could get the mount this time. I bet it would drop. We don't have keys yet. You can call me Busty. I fear that perhaps, perhaps the master and...
The demon that he kept imprisoned here, perhaps, was keeping something far more vile from being let out. Or perhaps that old rat bastard was more wily than I had anticipated. So have we made like a grievous mistake? I'm not going to sugarcoat it. No one ever does. Booker T. Raccoon. Booker Theodore Raccoon. No, it's the. It's the. Oh no, Theodore's my middle name. Oh.
I just thought, oh, I thought you shared middle names. No, no, Iz-Iz-Iz-Izda. Oh, Booker the Raccoon. Yeah, that's me. I don't know how else to say this. This should be good. I think we may have a first rider of the apocalypse and perhaps king of hell and you may have fucked up. You know, it wouldn't be the first time. I'll say that's probably cool. People make mistakes.
Well, should we be a little more worried about the rider of the apocalypse, you say? Or the three bears what-like shit? They don't really seem to be on the same cosmic scale. He mirrors his eyes at you and walks up to you. Uh-oh. You done it now. Do you really think that because you have a blessed whip and circlet from literal God, that you believe you know what is more worth killing?
Show him how you whip and nae nae. Watch him whip, watch him nae nae, and then you ask that question again. I don't want to hurt him. No, no, no, no. You better not hurt Mr. Silverpond. I said, no, I'm not going to hurt Mr. Silverpond. Watch him whip, watch him nae nae, and you ask that question again. I'll be so mad at him if he hurts Mr. Silverpond. All right, well, that's understandable. I say, I say, Mr. Silverpond, I was simply asking a question.
And yes, I do have literal God on my side, and sometimes he tells me to do things like confront all my friends, but not in a little while, so I think we're good there. But I simply mean to say that this seems like a demonic abomination, and down that pathway seems like a bunch of bears would like shitting in the woods.
So I mean, it's a thing. Those bears that like what's shitting in the woods, they killed my entire family. Yeah, this is an ancestral revenge thing. I don't give a fuck about that. I'm not some sort of demon hunter pledged to defend the realm. This is personal. Good, neither am I.
- Yeah, I just dress like one. - Well, I mean, we could say it's the bears. - I am of an order pledged to prevent these foul bears that love to shit from finding that perfect wife. If they do find that perfect wife, perhaps it could be worse than this. - Really? - Probably not. - Yes!
This is really bad. All right. Look, look. A giant maggot slurms behind him. We'll, uh, look, we'll help you with the bears. We already promised we'd do that. I mean, you know, plus by the time we go deal with the bears, how much worse can this really get? And even then, there's gotta, like, we'll get an even bigger bucket of water. And, like, maybe Night Hill will just clean all this up. I mean, to be
- To be fair, we don't even know if it's a problem. Like we're friends with the people who've started all this, right? - I wouldn't call myself one of Wygor's friends. Just gonna be honest with you. - But Wygor might call himself one of your friends. - That would be horribly unfortunate. - It's not like any of us killed what's that guy's name?
What that guy's name? Oh, no, no, Mr. Chanticleer killed that. What that guy's name? No, no, no. I'm not talking about Morlock. I'm talking about the other one who slipped down the stairs covered in grease. Morlock got killed. Well, that was just an accident. Oh, Mr. Tuppence. Oh, the two old cat and the salad? Yeah, Mr. Tuppence. His name was Mr. Tuppence?
Mr. Tuppence. Yes. And so with Mr. Tuppence-- He was a bit of a freeloader, actually. Not any of us killed him, so-- Oh, it was an accident. He suffered from an accident. He was over 40. He was over 40 and he fell downstairs covered in grease. Oh, he was over 40? Yes. I have a phobia. Yeah, me too. Me too. Tell me about it. How old are you?
Look, you don't ask that question. How old are we in the reality of this world? You know what, let's not address that. Unimportant. I'd rather not answer that question. And get things on the wiki. That's reasonable. What are you doing? I'm just, I feel so different. Look at me.
I'm like a full-standing normal proportion human with red eyes, wearing a white tank top and suspenders for some reason, a mini skirt. There ain't nothing normal about those proportions. That's a miracle he gave you stand upright. You are definitely about 20 minutes away from crippling back problems. Your spine's made of titanium. I feel different, it's crazy. Yeah, I feel different too.
You look like a hunter. No, I meant when I'm looking at you. Oh. Why? We're not going to go there. The problem is you're making eye contact. Honestly, who made your bra? It's incredible. I'm like, God, you're not wearing one. No.
How do they stay like that? I don't know, they just stay up there. They're bigger than my old ears. It's fucking crazy. Can I take a bite out of one of those? You hear a voice in your head, Jean-Claude. I work in mysterious ways. I'm saying this is why I worship literal God.
I wish we could hear it. Curse him, we cursed you. Well, no, I mean, I just hope that it's actually a literal god speaking to him and not a brain tumor. Wait,
- You think he has a brain tumor? - No, I mean it's possible when you start hearing voices. - I say, I say, don't listen to him. - I'll say, I'll say, I haven't listened to him. - Well, we better be careful. Brain tumors are contagious. - What? - I say, I say, they're all heretics, Jean-Claude. - Are they? - Yeah. - I mean, Jean-Claude. - They're airborne. - They're all heretics. It's me, literal God. - Literal God, where did you come up? You speak so well. - I say, I say-- - Such a pleasant island.
Well, where did he hail from, little guy? This is gonna turn into B.S. Butler. This is actually gonna be his brother. The cracks are beginning to show. I mean, don't worry about it, though, Grumly, because you can't get the brain tumors from Jean-Claude unless he's cockle-doodled his do in front of you any time within the past four or five days.
I don't know if you remember, Becky, he cock-a-doodled his stew in front of all of us in like the last one day. Well, I mean, it's not like anyone died when that happened, right? So what is there to be afraid of? Wait, part of the ritual to get the brain tumor means someone has to die when he cock-a-doodles his stew? No, I just mean people who are more susceptible to brain tumors are more than likely to die sooner than the other ones. I have a phobia of all this. I'd rather we talk about something else.
Well, I think that's a problem for another day. We've got quests to do and we should do them in linear order. Exactly right. And there is no telling if why go on. I picked up a quest to return this ring to someone's old broad down the road. Do you think we could go do that first? Old broad? Yes. Oh, my husband died and...
in the cave with the spiders, his wedding ring could be found in there. And if you return it to me, I will give you a sack of milk. - I say, does it say all my love, man cook on it? - Yeah. - Oh, well.
Oh, we're not gonna find him. We have to find his wife? How hard could that be? We have to find my man cook's wife. No, I already picked up the ring. When I picked up the ring, it popped up and it said, take this back to my wife so that she knows that I loved her. Oh. But it's over that way, and so I know the bears are that way, and that's over that way. Well, I mean, how hard could it be to find man cook's wife? I mean, it's probably a very good detour. Let's go! Oh no!
Ten years later. You spend... Days. A week. A week passes looking for Mankirk's wife. And you don't find her. God, this quest, it just doesn't tell you exact locations.
- Oh no, we've been shouting for Mrs. Mancook, but his name's actually Man-Crick. - Oh no. - Holy fuck, she's right over there. - Oh, so she was the first person we talked to. Oh, dang it. - You see, she's in a crater like this. - Yamcha. - Yeah, she's Yamcha-posed.
Oh, good times. She seems to be a, what's an underground creature? She's like a hare. A rabbit. A rabbit. Long dead. Well, I mean, I guess we can bury the ring with her. Let me take a look at the, yep, yep, about a week old. Shit. Oh no, it looks like she died from a broken heart. She must have died right after we talked to her. She must have had the heart.
She must have thought in her head, "Well, god darn it! If they had only been looking for man-cruised wives instead of man-cruised! Dang it! I guess I'll just die now!" I mean, I think that's it. I think that's simply it. I will help her. I'll walk over and I'll lean down and I'll rummage through her pockets for a loose change. Make an investigation check. I get a two. You find a journal. Oh shit. You don't find any loose change.
You say, oh, help, I've had an accident. It was my 40th birthday not too long ago. I've had an accident. And I saw a group of strangers walk past me. They didn't hear me when I cried out. But surely I'll survive. This wound shouldn't fester for at least seven days. I'm optimistic. It gets far more grim from there. LAUGHTER
The last page is just like a bloody, like, spirit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the last page. Pretty grim. I'll be with Mr. Mancrick soon. God is dead. Mancrick, my dear husband, if you find this. No change. Wait, why at the bottom does it say God is dead, he's surely alive, he's roaring like a lion? What is this about? I don't know.
You want it? She's gotten it a lot. No, I think she was unraveling at the end. I don't want to touch a wicked insanity. How do we finish this quest? Do we just leave the ring just right on top of it? Yeah, we'll just toss it in. That's good enough for me. Oh, I think if you just right-click her body, it's like an interactable object. Oh, oh, oh. Ding! Except. Oh! Done!
Look at that, he's well done. Oh god, now there's another one to bury her. That was forty free experience! Oh wait, it was a great quest. Oh, a whole week. Anyway, let's go kill those bears or something.
Yes. We walk past the castle and it's grown care of its walls. Oh yeah! It's attached to the floor to ceiling. It's like shittering. It's like this horrific monolith. It's effectively like a full endgame Zerg base. At this point. It's a full endgame Zerg base. Ank'haraj has risen in the desert. For whatever reason though, they seem-- and you see that there are these horrible mutated monstrosities. You feel like, wait a minute, is that the--
mole that we shot a week ago, but also a fly demon. - Ah, can't be. - No. - No, can't be. - No, definitely not. - No way. - As you walk by and you all get into the carriage as you begin to, as the black coach takes off, you're all in the coach as Godfrey Silverpine is at the driver's seat.
and you go off into the winding tunnels as you hear him sniffing, and you'll go down various tunnels, and you feel like you're going up and up closer to the surface, as you start to occasionally get the whiff of the outdoor air, which is very... You've been underground for so long.
You haven't seen the sun or the moon or anything in so long. You feel like you're going in the direction of the way that you came. You eventually realize that you pass the crumbled hole in the roof of this cavern that Grumly had broken through. And you go down one of the tunnels that you had decided not to go down. As you make your way further and further, and then the...
smell hits you. And you know you're getting closer. Very quickly, because Tifa doesn't have any sayings that I've been trying to fit in like her quotes the entire night, I have an opportunity to use one of her lines from the game. Though at least with a stone sky you know your limits, out here it's endless. That's all. Oh, oh. Applause. Lion doesn't rhyme with inside at all. What are you talking about? Weren't you just singing a song about
You rhymed lion with inside. No, I didn't rhyme that. It was written on the last page of that dead rabbit's journal. Oh, good riddance, Danny. It said, God's not dead, he's surely alive, roaring like a lion.
Oh, he's, no, he's living on the inside. Roaring like a lion. Is that what it said? That's what it said. Well, lion, but yeah, they tried to rhyme inside with lion. Are you sure? Who would do that? Well, I think that's what I wrote. We're approaching the chamber of horse-hawks.
The Chamber of what? Lost Softness. Ew, I don't like the name of that chamber. They'll be able to... I'm not gonna like any of this. They'll be able to smell the spiders coming a mile away. I think I'm smelling something other than spiders. We must continue the journey on foot. What kind of spiders are they? They're wolf spiders. The time has come. Let us... The ultimate hunt. It's time for the ultimate hunt. Oh, it's... Yeah, same. Wait, is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, it's time for the ultimate... It's time.
for the ultimate hunt. Nice, well done. Yeah! For I am Grom the Impaler. Oh, I lost one of the mole heads along the way. Oh no, I got it. I picked it up. Must have sloughed right off. What? I picked it up. It's like gelatinous almost. Oh, I was looking for that. There you go. It's not even gonna really stay on anymore. Yeah, it's just gonna kind of like jelly right off.
I'll just balance it. That's fine. Can't you impale something that's not a decrepit mole head, like a pineapple or something? I think by the rules of cool, badass weapons, it only has to be the head of something that this weapon killed. You know what I mean? That's fair. Anyway. We're so close. What was that line about the rock lobster or something? Stone Sky.
I didn't understand a word. Okay. It was kind of deep. It was very deep. It was either that or spill the beans or I'll smash them. Is that a threat? It is a threat in the context of that quote. Or a good time. That reminds me, now that you say Grumly, is he has his axe and he hefts it as he reaches, he goes to the back of the black coach and pulls out something out of the chest. He can't quite see what it is and he puts it under his coat.
as he begins to lead you deeper in the tunnel. It reminded me, Grumly, of the time when my friends and I, we were at the beach, and everyone, everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock. What was it? It was a rock lobster. No fucking way. Yes. Are you for real? That's how I became the hunter that I am. I killed it instantly. What's a rock lobster?
I said, what kind of towels did you have? Oh, no, I want to know. I'm asking the question. I've seen a lot of things in my day. I can handle it. Explain it to me in graphic detail. All I'll say is that we had very nice matching towels. What did they look like? They matched. In what ways? They were striped and polka dotted. What color? Green and white. That's a nice color towel for the beach. And yellow. I like yellow.
and blue and green. - That's a double green in a lot of colors. - It was triple green, actually. - Wow. - But they all match all the same. Look up ahead. - He startled me. His attention was thick. He scared me. - I said, "What's that up ahead?" - Of hidden softness, look how the trees grow in the underground, but they once were soft, now scratchy, painful.
It's just like the legends. Like you're at a hotel. Like you're at a hotel. Oh no. One pie. You know they do that to save money. Oh, I know. That's why you should steal their towels. And you see up ahead, there is a, it's not a castle, but this chamber has these withered, gnarled trees, and you see at the center of this, what looks like a ruined grove, is, looks like a cottage of some kind. Quaint, charming.
Smell in the air is inscribable. Philadelphia. As you, as Godfrey sniffs. Oh, I'm tearing up. They are not in the cottage. It's humid here. They're beyond. Where? I can taste the air. We will have to. You, you investigate the house.
I'm going to go scout the perimeter. That seems like... Make sure we're not ambushed. Sir, yes, sir. No, no. Right away. This sounds like a terrible plan. Good hunter. Yes. Killer instinct, don't forget. Killer instinct. You are a canine. I have the power of heck on my side. You are an alpha dog.
- I'm the alpha. - I don't smell them. I'm going to scout the perimeter, make sure we're not snuck up on by these foul, shot and stained bears. Wolfpack, with me! - Every time he says it. All right, we're with you. - I carry with my halberd. - There he goes. - And I barrel through the door. I use my bum rush ability from my-- - Make an athletic check. You run and you run towards this quaint cottage and you bum rush to the door. You're all following Grumman. - Yeah, absolutely.
Godfrey Silverpine slinks off into the sides of this grove. 26. That's huge. 26. You smash the door in, it splinters. The door is big, it's very clearly made for bears. As you smash the door in, it's eerily quiet. Make a perception check for me, grumlin. Uh-oh, four. Oh no.
You smell one horrid smell. Wait, is it based on smell? Yes. I have advantage on that. Six. Brutal. I'm a wee bit congested, Booker. You can't smell anything, but all of you hear what sounds like the sound of running water almost spiraling into a bowl and going down into a small hole from above you. You see there's a large staircase going up.
That sounds like someone's making tea upstairs. I say it sounds like someone's pissing too damn loud. Oh my god, he said his catchphrase. Gotta give it up. It's the middle of the night. It is the middle of the night. You gotta piss on the side of the bowl like a stealth mission. Who's ever upstairs? I think you should get advantage on every roll for the rest of the next six sessions. I agree.
Um, I just wanna let you know, alright, I know you were super quick to just take, you know, Mr. Silverpine's direction there and run with it. Uh, it is very likely that is the last time we're ever gonna see that guy. We should not have split up. We should not have sent our most expert person away from us when we are in the heart of this dungeon hellhole. Heckhole. Whatever.
But he's a hunter, and he survived all this time, and he's a coachman, and he's serious, he took a vow of silence. And I also bet he was this close to retiring. That's not gonna fucking happen now. Why not? Because he's gonna be fucking dead. I don't think so. He can take care of himself. I say he's the only one who knows the terrain, and he's had a blood feud with them for who knows how long. All of that spells instant death. Ever since the wipe war. Well, go ahead. Do you believe in destiny?
Uh, yeah, I do. That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? Obviously, yes. That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds true love? Uh, I didn't see it going that direction, but sure, why not? True love. Because I have crossed oceans of time to find you. Me? Are you okay? Yeah, well, everybody was doing their quotes. Yeah. And so I wanted to, like, throw in a Gary Oldman quote. Is there more to it, or is it just...
At least that's well written. I've got nothing. Hold on. I love you too much to condemn you. Still talking to me. Absinthe is the aphrodisiac of the soul. Oh, my. This is all going one direction. The green fairy who lives in the absence wants your soul. You are safe with me. Are you making this up? Where are you getting this from? Are these your true feelings? Are you trying to be motivational?
- Well, I'm kind of trying, but like all of the Gary Oldman girls are very sexual. - All right, here we go. - I was gonna say, I feel like I should be watching this. - I'm getting a lot of mixed feelings here. - But I can't look away. - We don't have time for this. In the dread desert beneath the moon's pale gaze, dead men walk.
They haunt the shifting dooms of the breathless, windless night, brandish weapons of bronze and mocking challenge and bitter resentment of the life they no longer possess. And sometimes in ghastly, dry voices, like the rustling of sun-baked reeds, they whisper the one word they remember from life.
the name of the one who cursed them to their existence. More than death, but less than life, they whisper the name, Sean Stane. - Jeez. - What, man? - You immediately hear a door from upstairs open. And you hear footsteps. And you hear humming. ♪ I come home in the morning light ♪ ♪ My mother says when you gonna live your life right ♪
Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. I raise my crossbow to the noise that's coming down the stairs. Booker, I don't think we're alone. I don't think we're alone either. You recognize that voice. I know, I know, but I'm hoping nobody else does. As you hear the voice of Beauregard T. Ragnarok. I need this to be an accident. As he is walking around...
singing Girl Just Wanna Have Fun, as you hear the creak at the top of the stairs. Dad! As you see furry raccoon feet wrapped in a towel, as he looks at you and says, Dad! That's me! It's Booker! Oh my god! You survived the ocelot! You survived too! Oh yeah! I was shitting so much I got saved and adopted by a bunch of crazy bears who loved shitting! And that's where we'll end the session. What a twist!
Full circle, everybody. Gotta give it up. Full circle.
Full disclosure, Beauregard was there from the minute the session you guys went in the underground. So we could have gone down that way and found him instantly. You could have gone and encountered the bears with love shittin' and yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god. I was really hoping I could make it look like an accent. What a session, folks. That's incredible. What a session. That is incredible. I love this campaign. That's all I'm gonna say. It never goes quite the way we think it's gonna go. It's impossible to predict what's gonna happen.
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