Session 60: Mel Robbins
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Hi pussies! Welcome back to Therapuss. This is the first time I've ever recorded

an intro away from home, I think, right? I think this is the first time I've ever done it, but we are on the bus, we are on tour, we've done Dallas and we've done Baton Rouge. Tonight is New Orleans. It's Mardi Gras. I am so happy to be here. I'm so excited. I get really homesick, but seeing you guys makes it so much better.

I just like every place. I really love the South. I'm discovering I really, really love the South. Hunter's with us. He's the best. He's so funny. I love watching him on stage. Today we have Mel Robbins on the podcast. I tried to be as open and honest as possible. Louise was like, you have to, if she's coming on, you have to be honest. So I was just...

I let it all rip. And, you know, she's the author of The Lepton Theory, hosted one of the number one podcasts in the world. She's incredible. I'm really, really excited for you guys to hear from her, if you haven't already, which I'm sure you have. I love you, pussies. I can't wait to give you another tour update. Hi, pussies. Welcome back to Therapus. Today, I don't think I've ever had...

So many people be so excited about a guest before in my entire life. Today we have New York Times bestselling author, author of the Let Them Theory, host of the number one podcast in the world, the Mel Robbins podcast, Mel Robbins. Oh, I can't believe I'm here. I actually can't believe you're here.

So. Okay. We have so much to talk about. We were just, what were we just talking about? Oh, I was telling you how your podcast feels like, and I have a very short attention span. I have a very hard time listening to things. I have a very hard time reading. But I was listening to your podcast the other day. It was so easy to listen to. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you. It's all you. Well, here's the thing. Like, I think what's super cool is that the person that is listening to this right now. Mm-hmm.

The thing that's interesting about a show like this is that you don't bump into it. Like if you really stop and think about it, Jake, somebody had to actually select this episode and hit play. Right. That means they found time when they don't have time and they made it to listen to you.

And it means they want to be here. See, on social, people bump into content all the time. But when you really think about your show as something that somebody has made the time and a very busy schedule to be here, you think about the single person that's listening somewhere around the world very differently. And so as you and I jump into everything from, like, the first topic, I really have to just say out loud because it's so on my mind, is that these mics are so thick. It feels like holding a penis. I know. I know. I've never...

Been on a show where I'm like, okay, two hands. Here we go. Right at the base. And so I, I like, as we jump into everything from dating to anxiety to whatever the hell you want to talk about, I'm going to be thinking about the fact that one person is with us right now and they have decided that you and I are worthy of an hour of their time. And so I'm going to not only show up for you, I'm going to show up for them. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

How does that change the way that you think about this? I think sometimes I feel like I'm speaking into a void. I don't know why I never thought that someone was like actively being like, I am so excited to listen to this and I'm going to actively press this and listen to this.

I think it's because I started on TikTok, and TikTok is very fast and very hard. Yep. So it's kind of like love bombing. What? Like your microphone. Yes, exactly. Exactly like my microphone. But everything happens really very, very quick. And TikTok, you know within five minutes if your video is working or not and how many people are liking it. Yes. Oh, my God. That is so cool. That really just changed my whole perspective on this. Honestly, I'm not even just kidding. I love it.

now feel like there is like one person right there that's listening. Yeah, of course. It helps you visualize. Yes, yes, exactly. And that's like an incredibly cool thing that you're providing for somebody else. That is awesome.

Yeah, because you're funny as fuck. I mean, like, I want to know, I saw the video where you fell skiing. Did you rip your jumpsuit? Like, because that looked like a really bad fall. No, see, it looked worse than it was. And I actually give credit to my ski instructor who was filming it, who's the best. Shout out, Adrian. And it looked, he cut it. Like, it,

The video was just perfectly timed. Like I fell and then he like cut it immediately. So it all seemed very fast. Wasn't that bad though. All right, good. Cause that was a cute jumpsuit. Thank you. And I actually found, do you ski? Yes. For me it was because I don't drive. Why don't you drive? Okay. So I grew up in, I grew up in New York. Right. So it was never, it was never needed. Okay. And then I moved to LA and then my dad just like, he coddles me and he's like, you cannot drive the car.

And like, he's like, you will crash. And I'm like, I know I will crash. I don't think I can accept the responsibility. Do you want to learn to drive? Yes, I think I do. But I'm so accustomed to not driving now. I can't imagine driving. You don't want to learn to drive. It's just hard because in LA, you're at the mercy of drivers. As in New York, you're at the mercy of yourself because public, you can take public transportation easy. You can walk everywhere. Yeah.

But – Is it an anxiety thing? It must be. Okay. I think – I really cannot picture myself driving. I cannot – I get so distracted so easily. Everything distracts me. Yep. Like my brain moves at like 100 miles a minute. I can see that. So I'm like if I'm driving –

I don't know how I would like it would I don't think it would be safe for other people. Wow. And myself. Wow. Then your brain is way busier than I can tell. My brain moves at the speed of I don't even know. It just jumps and jumps and jumps and jumps and jumps. And has it always been that way? You know, it's funny you say that because I was talking to my dad about like an old therapist I went to and he was telling me that that therapist said that about me when I was like five. So I guess it has always been that way. Huh.

Do you want it to change? I think so. I think it would make me more grateful if it changed. Like, I think I would be able to, like, live in the moment more. Okay. Because, like, life moves so fast for me but so slow at the same time. Ooh, unpack that. What does that mean? Like, I feel like I blink and I'm like, how did I end up here? Like, I've known Louise now for almost three years. Uh-huh. It feels like I just met her yesterday and I can't remember –

a time in between that that I, like, looked around and I was, like, took in the view. Like, so everything moved really fast, but then in the moment...

all I'm thinking about, like all I'm thinking about is the next thing. Yeah. Making sure I get to the next thing. Yep. And then I can't appreciate the present, but it also moves so fast at the same time. I don't know how to, if I'm describing that. Oh no, I'm tracking like absolutely completely with you. So can I give you a visual? Yeah. Okay. So you're going through a massive state of expansion in your life. Congratulations. Thank you. You have this big tour coming up.

It's going to be amazing because you're actually going to get to see everybody and be with everybody, which is going to be a whole nother thing that takes you like this.

What I want you to do is, because it's very easy in life, I had chronic anxiety for so long. And when you are in a state where you're always up in your head and your body is kind of on that edge state, it's both the thing that helps you get everything done. But the problem is the part of the brain that makes memories actually isn't present. Really? Yes. So if you, I don't know if this is true for you. Do you feel like you look back on your childhood and you don't quite have a lot of memories?

yeah, I don't have many. Like I do, I remember things. Yes. But like not like, yeah, I don't have many. That is an extraordinary, extraordinarily common thing that happens when you're either are in a kind of chronic state where you're on edge and you're up in your head and you have anxiety or you have like unresolved trauma. Because what happens is when you're like in that state where you're thinking, thinking, thinking, what's next, what's next, what's next,

the part of the brain that's actually present to assess and then file long-term memories isn't online. And so you're not actually present to make the memories, even though they're happening. And so I have decades of my life that I'm literally like, I don't really remember what happened in college. Right. And my friends, I don't know if this ever happens to you, where you're like, do you remember that part of it? And you're like,

Now I don't remember that. Right, yeah. Well, you have the advantage over me because you guys at least have all the photos. Right, that's how I remember stuff. Yes, but then you're like, I don't actually remember being there. At all. Yes, because you were up here. You weren't in here. And so I want to teach you some things that are not going to take away your power and your creativity, but it's going to help you be more grounded and settled in your body and press

present for all this cool stuff that's happening in your life without losing the edge. Are you down for this? I'm so down. Okay, cool. So the first thing I want you to do is I want you as your career's going like this, because I'm in this big moment too. Podcast hits number one in the world, move over Joe Rogan, like here comes this 56 year old woman, you know, hosting this show about improving your life. What the fuck is going on? And

And so I want you to imagine that you're on an airplane. Okay. It's moving 500 miles an hour. Uh-huh. Which, is that what your life feels like? Yes. Yeah. And I want it to go faster. Okay, great. The plane can go as fast as you want. Okay. The plane is your life. Okay. You have a different job. Uh-huh. You have to sit in the seat on the plane and you have at least one foot on the ground. And I want you to focus on being in the seat. Okay.

and enjoying the Celsius that you're drinking, right? And then occasionally you're going to look out the window and you're going to look how fast we're going. But your job is to just be in the seat and to enjoy the Celsius and know that it's your life and the career that has the velocity, but the velocity isn't you.

Because otherwise, a couple years are going to go by and you're going to be like, I don't even remember being on a tour. And it'll be funny to everybody else, but it's not going to be funny to you. Right. And so that's one thing I want you to do. The second thing I want you to do is I'm going to give you a new definition for anxiety. Okay. Okay. And this is coming from somebody who literally, I could tell you the whole story about anxiety, but it's boring. I struggled with it for too long because I didn't know what it was. And I'm going to give you this most simple definition. You ready? Mm-hmm.

anxiety is just a moment in your life where you feel a little uncertain yeah and you then doubt your capacity and capability to handle it yeah that's actually exactly what i think it is that's all that it is like like the worst case scenario because i very bad ocd as well like in terms of like um well you know that's related to anxiety yes ocd is about trying to control something

Because you're triggered by uncertainty or past trauma. Right. That's what I'm thinking. And that's why your let them theory resonated so well with me because it was like you cannot control anything. All I want you to do is control everything because I'm so scared of something bad happening. Okay. I'm so scared of something bad happening. What is a bad thing that's going to happen?

I have this fear ever since I was a kid of getting in trouble. So now with what I do, I'm very scared of saying the wrong thing and then having everything taken away from me. And then what do I do? I have nothing. So that's what I think about. I'm scared of losing everything. Okay. And what would happen if you lost everything? I don't know. I don't know where I would go. I don't know...

Because you, like, you get surrounded, like, when, I'm the type of person who I, like, make really real relationships with everyone, even the people I, like, the people I work with. So it's, like, if you lose everything and then those people that you work with and they're not there anymore, if you lose everything, then what happens? What do you have? So let's go back to the definition of anxiety, which is a moment where you feel uncertain. Right. And then what do you doubt? Your ability to handle it. Correct. Correct.

So anxiety isn't all of this scary shit. Anxiety is a very normal moment where you feel uncertain because it's a sign that you're mentally well. Right. That's a sign that your brain's working correctly, by the way. Okay. Because you should worry about that. Yeah. Right? Because it means you're a responsible business person and you actually want to make a difference and you don't want to offend people. You just like want to entertain people. Right. So that's a sign that you're actually mentally healthy, by the way. Okay. Okay. So-

The thing about anxiety, say, take that. Let's put that. Put that. Put that. Mel Robbins said I'm mentally healthy. I am. Yes, you are, damn it. And so the thing I want to keep coming back to, because this will change your fucking life, is in any moment that's uncertain, if you make the mistake of going up into your head, which I did for 50 years, you go right up in your head and go, fuck, fuck, fuck. What if this? What if that? What if the other thing? Because you feel uncertain.

You disconnect from the power to face it. So anytime you're up here, you're actually in danger when you're feeling anxious. And I want you to go, oh, wait, I'm just doubting my ability to handle it. Right. I got to take a deep breath because right here is where your power is. Right here, you're in your body. Take a deep breath and just go, I actually believe that I can face anything. Right. You know what? Even if the shit hit the fan, I'm capable of figuring this out.

If you just start to say that as your mantra, I'm capable of figuring this out. Everything will change because you're not allowing your brain to hijack the moment. And you're saying, no, no, no, no, no. I get it. This moment feels a little uncertain. I've never gone on a tour. It's a live situation. Don't want to say something that somebody, you know, might be filming. Right. That's a reasonable thing to be uncertain about. But I actually believe in my ability to handle this. The more you start to say that, the more you will not default to going up here.

See, the interesting thing about OCD, and I think the Let Them Theory is really going to help you, is that this is actually a book about control. Right. That's what this book is about. And you seem a lot like I was when I was younger, where I didn't understand that the more I tried to control things that I couldn't control, the more anxious and out of control I felt.

And the hardest thing in life is recognizing that the one thing you'll never be able to control is another person, what they do, what they think, what they say, what they feel. Right. Never. And so understanding that what's happening out there

And in other people's lives, let them. The second part is going to change your life, Jake, because when you say let me, you remind yourself in life, there's only three things you can control. You can control what you think about something. And that's the whole what if. And the other thing I'm going to give to you that I want you to start saying when you guys catch him on the what ifs, be like, what if it all works out, Jake? I'm so scared of Jake saying that.

Like that's what I'm so scared of. Like I'm so superstitious. Like if it all works out and then I'm like, oh my God, well, if I just said that, is it not going to work out? But are you capable of figuring it out? I think so. Yeah. No, seriously. If things don't work out, could you figure it out? Like I know I would figure it out. Great. Then you need to start saying that. Yeah. Because the fact that you constantly go upstairs is just what you're used to doing.

And I'm telling you, you can teach yourself to start saying things like, well, what if it does work out? Right. I know I'm scared that it's not going to, but what if it does? Because here's the thing. Do you actually know if things are going to work out? No. Great. So if you're going to actually...

to presume the negative, then you actually owe it to yourself to also presume the positive because you don't know. And here's what I'm going to tell you why you need to do this. So you need to start presuming the positive because your brain is wired to help you. Like nobody gets this. Like every, you know, are you somebody that believes in manifesting? Yes. Okay. Well, you got to watch it. You

If you constantly go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What if this? What if that? What if the other thing? You're manifesting what you don't want. Really? Yes. Because I'm going to explain to you what manifesting is. Manifesting is not, let me think about a beach house and a beach house comes. That's not how this shit works. Manifesting is the intentional act of...

of programming your brain to think different things and to filter the world to help you get what you want. You are literally using manifesting to bring four different parts of your brain online to program what your mind sees. So it's a lot like Instagram. So the second I'm like,

I'm going on a show. It's great. And I started like talking all about it. I already follow it. Like I just saw so much of your content because social media listens to you. Right. The filter changes and then it shows you what it thinks you want to see. Right. We've all experienced that, right? Yeah. Guess what? Your brain works the same way. The exact same way. So your brain's like a for you page. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Who programs it? Me. Yes. And your brain is paying attention to what you're actually saying. So if you're constantly going, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, your brain is going to show you more reasons to be afraid. If you go, what if I can figure that out? What if it all works out? Right. What if I like literally in the way that you manifest anything is decide what you want. And so what's something that you would like to have happen?

I want relationship. I want, yeah, I would like a boyfriend. Okay, great. Yeah. Okay, great. And tell me a little bit about what the relationship feels like. I don't know. I don't, I don't know what I would like it to make me feel confident. Yeah. And I would like it to like give me more life experience stories. And tell me what you and your partner do.

Like I want to be able to like lay down with someone and watch TV, but also like feel romantic with them. Okay. Terrific. Yeah. Um, so what I want you to do is this is the method that I was taught by a guy by the name of Dr. Jim Doty. He's like this like fancy neuroscientist guy at Stanford. Okay. So he both studies the brain and operates on the brain, but he's like Mr. Manifesting. Right. So you literally think about what you want and I would literally come up with a sentence that's like, um,

I'm going to be in a loving relationship with somebody I lay in bed and watch TV with and we laugh and we have fun and I feel like myself. Yeah. You're going to take a pencil, you're going to write that down and then you're going to read it to yourself and then you're going to say it out loud.

That's where you're in it first thing in the morning while you're calm. Manifesting doesn't work while you're anxious because the part of the part of the brain that actually is laying down the new programming can't work when you're like, right. So you got to do calm. So you're going to take your pencil. You're going to write this down. You're going to read it to yourself and you're going to say it all out. And then what happens is this, the for you page starts to organize. Right. Because you're now telling your brain this is important to me.

And your brain has this filter called the reticular activating system. Doesn't matter what the hell it's called. It's like a hairnet on your brain. Right. Changes. And now all of a sudden it lets in information. Oh, there's another loving couple. Oh, interesting. There's a TikTok of two people laying on page. Oh, look at that. So you start to see things that you normally don't see. And then you start to see it. So you start to believe that it's true because there's evidence there.

And that helps you then start to do the things that you need to do, which are largely using the let them theory so that you can say no to the people that don't treat you and make you feel that way. Because the faster you say no to those people, the faster the person that is supposed to be laying in bed with you actually arrives. Right. That's how you meet them.

You first tell yourself that you want to meet them and you visualize it for yourself. And by repeating it, your brain's like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. And you can do this with anything. You can do this with launching an influencer business. Right. You can do this with, I want to be anxiety free. You can do this with, I'm going to meet somebody that actually makes me feel like myself. And the more you repeat it, the more your brain starts to go, yeah, that's what we do believe. And then you use the let them theory because it's a process of elimination. Right.

Seriously, like you have to, dating is not about finding somebody. Dating is about learning about what you don't like and raising your standards and

for what actually is attractive to you and what's actually not attractive to you? I feel my main issue with dating is I am so insecure. Like, I don't know how I'm going to share. I feel like when you're in a relationship, you like share your body with someone almost like you have to like be so vulnerable. And I struggle so much with like to, to

to be frank, like being like naked with someone. Because you don't like your body? Sometimes I love it. Yes. Like sometimes, like yesterday I woke up and I felt so good and then today I just don't feel good. And it's like I don't know how I'm going to be able to share that with someone ever. Well, what if –

It, well, well, okay. So that's a really interesting thing. Have you ever been in a long-term committed relationship? Ever. And is it, is part of it because you're uncomfortable being naked with somebody? Yes. I would say that's a huge, huge reason because it's how I carry myself. Okay. Like I don't give off that, like I want to take off my clothes and be with someone. Okay. So where did you get the idea that there was something wrong with your body? Someone made a

comment when I was in fourth or fifth grade and it really stuck with me. What did they say? That I was fat. Okay. And I... Was it in a situation too where you guys were all like getting undressed in a... I don't know what... I forget. I was wearing a rascard, I think. Yeah, it was horrible. And then I...

I don't know. And then I really lived my life on the internet for my entire life. I spent my entire life on the internet. So I was a Tumblr kid. I was... What does a Tumblr kid mean? Like I... So like I was really, you know. So Tumblr's a website. Oh, Tumblr. I literally thought you meant gymnastics. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. I thought you meant like, okay, like were you fat in a leotard? No, no, no. Tumbling? Okay. I got you now. So you were a Tumblr kid. So like I'm seeing Tumblr's...

All about Tumblr is all about the aesthetic. It's very aesthetically pleasing. I was also introduced, and I have, my parents, I love them for this, let me watch whatever I wanted to at a young age. Okay. So I was watching any movie I wanted to, any, it's part of why I'm so creative and so into this space now. But I was seeing, like I was introduced to what sex is. Yes. Based on like a multi-million dollar movie. Yeah.

So those men are ripped. Oh, got it. Okay. Yep. So that's what I'm thinking like a normal person looks like. And then also in the gay scene, it's very, very, very body focused. Yes. So I'm short and I don't have a six pack. So it's like I don't have either of them. Okay. And when you're in the gay scene, you're kind of forced into certain roles. Uh-huh. And I don't really know. I always felt like...

My body was weird and watching people on TV, I still felt like it was weird. And then because of that, like I then had a weird relationship with food and I'm like do like – OK. I like – I was remaining in the kitchen so like I'm just going to eat a lot less and then I eat – like and then I end up binging and I just like – I just have a – at the end of the day, I just have a horrible relationship with my body. And I don't know how to feel good.

And then like right when I feel good about it, like something happens where I'm like, oh, no, I don't feel good about it anymore. Yes. Yes. So it's interesting that we're going here because I actually believe this is going to sound like the cheesiest ass thing I could ask you to do. Uh-huh.

But your issue is self-rejection. Yeah. And one of the things that you're going to figure out in your life, and this is something I would work on with your therapist, and I would really just explore for yourself, is that you're looking for the validation out there. Right. When what you have to figure out is what does validation look like in here?

I don't even know. Well, that's where we have to figure out how to have you get your power back. Right. Because the problem with seeking validation out there for your actual self-worth or whether or not you're attractive or worthy or lovable is that that's never in your control. Yeah. And that's why you have OCD because your entire life is set up

To give you the very validation that you need from yourself, only you've handed all the power over to whether or not strangers actually like you. Right. Yeah. And so we can flip this. Okay. But you've got to understand, and this is like the heart of the let them theory. Like I'll give you an example. You cannot get sober until you stop drinking. Right. And it's a nuance that most people don't think about.

Same thing is true about taking control of your life. You can't take control of your life until you stop trying to control everything else because all the effort that you're putting into making sure everybody out there thinks all these things about you is

is time and energy that I want you to claw back so that you actually think good things about you. Okay? And so, first things first, here's what we're going to do because then we're going to go deeper into some of the things that I think that you should do and you should talk to your therapist about because...

I want you to change this. You can be fucking hilarious and have a huge impact and grow your show and do all these remarkable things with your creativity and learn how to have a really good relationship where you actually like and accept yourself. Right. Like you can. Do you believe that? Yeah. It's just hard. Um, cause so much of my comedy is so self deprecating. So like I, my whole bit is like making fun of myself and, um,

But I believe it. I buy into that. So I don't know how to separate the two. What my job and my...

Persona and what I do to make people laugh is me. I can't I don't know how to separate the two Okay, I'd like be confident. Okay. I just don't well, so here's the thing about confidence You're saying what does confidence mean for you that I feel sexy and I feel attractive and I feel Like I feel hot I feel attractive. I feel like powerful. Oh, I can get what I get what I want okay, so

Here's something that I also want to share with you. So I have a different definition of confidence and I think language does matter. So confidence from this point forward, here's what I want you to say confidence is. Confidence is the willingness to try.

Because when you are not confident, you kind of hold yourself back and you feel discouraged. And then the fact that you hold yourself back makes you feel more like an imposter, makes you feel more whatever. But if you're like back to the anxiety in this conversation of, well, I'm actually capable of figuring this out. If you're going, I'm willing to try. Yeah. I'm willing to try. Because the more that you try...

The better you get at things and then the more confident you feel about it. So when you talk about what you actually want to feel, you're actually a really confident guy. I'm going to tell you something. You try a lot of shit. Yeah. Like I'm telling you, like you're actually a very confident guy. So I don't want to hear you say you're not confident because it's not true. Right. I mean, I'm watching how you live your life.

And you are out in full force trying all kinds of shit for all of us to laugh at and learn from. That is a confident motherfucker. Right. Okay. So let's actually use the right words because you're not actually insecure. You're trying a lot of shit. Is that fair? Yeah, that's very fair. Okay. So can I hear you say, I'm a really confident guy, but, and then describe. I'm a really confident guy, but I do not like how.

I feel about my body and I don't like how I feel about how I look on the outside. Okay. Got it. Is there anything you could change about your body?

That would make you feel more confident. Yes. What is it? Um, I have, I like, like I'll look in the mirror and I'll like take my sides and I'll like pull them back like this. I've done that. Like I would like to pull my side. You ever put duct tape there? Yeah. No, but I will now. Before Spanx. And I would like to like just shave my sides off. Um,

I like have a bigger like bosom area. Uh huh. So I would like that to be flatter. Uh huh. Um, I've been working out my arms a lot. Great. And um,

But it's not toned. It's more just like bigger. I'd like to shrink it. Uh-huh. I don't like my chin. I feel like I have kind of like a double chin. I feel like I have a bump in my nose, but that's like kind of the least of it. And then I really – at the end of the day, I hate how short I am. Okay. I hate how short I am. Okay. So do you want to wear heels? Like no because then I would feel not –

I don't want to wear heels. I just want to be taller. Okay. I want to be like 5'7". That would have been great. Well, how tall are you? 5'3". Okay. So we got four inches. Yeah. Okay. So you either got to grow your hair taller. Right. Right. Or you got to wear heels. Right. So part of the problem with what you're doing is you are actually taking attributes, especially height.

That there is nothing you can do to change it. Right. And you're using it to torture yourself. Yeah. And what's going to happen because you are so committed to trashing yourself is that even as you get more and more confident in your career, even as you check all these boxes, you will always find something to trash yourself.

It has become like your default and it's actually not a bit anymore. Like I think that you can feel good about your body and still be self self-deprecating about the assholes you're dating. Right. Like there are things that you can find to make fun of that don't actually deep down make you feel like shit about yourself. And so number one, we, you have to actually figure out how to accept that it's not fair to

That you're 5'3". Because I don't think it's fair. No, it's not. Yeah. Tell me all the reasons why it's not fair that you're short. Because I want to be taller. What would change about your life if you were taller? I think just the way I really and truly like I think more guys would want me if I was taller. At the end of the day, what I think. Do you want to know why more guys don't want you? Why? Because you don't want yourself. It has nothing to do with your fucking height. Right. You're focused on height. Right.

Because it's distracting you from actually doing the work of learning how to look in the mirror. Right. And say, I am going to do life with that guy. Like you only get to do life with one person from the moment you're born to the moment that you die. You have one person to take care of. It's you. Yeah. It's you. And so the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to learn how to look in the mirror and go, all right, this is what I got.

These were, this is the hand I was dealt. Yeah. And you can spend your life looking at everybody else's hands and thinking everybody else has a better hand of cards. That's not how life is played. It's how you play the hand. And from my vantage point, you're fucking destroying the hand. Thank you. You are, you are.

And there comes a point in time in life, and I learned this so fucking late, like it just, I don't want you to do this to yourself. Like you have to learn. If you want to be happier, you have to learn how to allow yourself to be happier. And there's something about you and the way you won't allow yourself to be happier. Yeah. I don't know why. Sometimes you don't have to. Yeah. Sometimes I think the first step in changing your life is

is admitting to yourself that how you're doing it is no longer working. You can be funny as hell and super successful and self-deprecating and actually allow yourself to be happy with who and how you are. I just feel unhappy. I base all my happiness in like other things that happen to me. I am not happy. Like when I go to bed, like I don't feel happy in my body. I don't feel happy in myself. I just don't.

So there's two ways we're going to attack this. Okay? Okay. And first of all, I think it's so cool that you're willing to just like, boom, I thought we were going to talk about dating and let them ghost you and fuck that and like all that stuff. No, no. This is actually what matters. Yeah. So there's something super cheesy I'm going to tell you to do. And you're going to hate this because you don't like how you look. Right. But this is why you have to do it.

I can't believe I'm sharing this with you. So tomorrow morning when you get up and you go into the bathroom, after you brush your teeth, I want you to do something that sounds ridiculous. Okay. You're going to put your toothbrush down and you're not going to say a damn word and you're just going to look at yourself in the mirror. Just eye to eye. Don't say anything.

You're going to notice that you're probably, if you're anything like me, you're going to notice that you probably have this tendency to scan your body and be like, pulling around or standing up straight or whatever we do. Like, you know, I've got one boob hanging lower than the other one. Like, why do I look like that? My wrinkles, my turkey neck. So our brains are kind of wired to see the negative. And so you've got to fight against that. So you're just going to stare at yourself in the mirror.

Don't say a thing. Now, I want you to understand. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror like that? Okay. That's normal. Yeah. Based on the research, 50% of people can't look at themselves eye to eye in the mirror because they don't like the person they see. Yeah, I don't. Okay. That's normal.

Okay. So this is going to be really hard and you don't have to like stand there for a minute, just stand and look in the eyes and you're going to notice you're going to want to turn away. And I want you to, I want you to understand that moment. You're not looking at a reflection. You're actually looking at the person that you go through life with. And then you are going to reach up and as dumb as this sounds, you're going to high five the mirror, but don't say anything. Now, a couple of things might happen. You might laugh as it happens. You might just want to say, this is so fucking stupid, Mel. Okay.

But as your hand goes toward the mirror, something crazy is happening in your brain. So this is a field of study called neurobics. And it's exactly what it sounds like. It's neuro-whatever plus aerobic activity. The fastest way to rewire new thinking patterns is to marry a new thinking pattern with something you don't normally do physically. Okay. So let's talk about high-fiving. I want you to high-five me. Okay, you ready? Let's do another one.

Right? Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah. So what does a high five mean? You're like, you're like clapping with someone. Right. But what if you and I are high fiving? What do you say? What are you saying to that? Like, good job. Good job. Yes. We did it. We did it. You never high five somebody and say you're fucking ugly. Yeah. I hate you. Right. I hope you lose. Right. Never. Yeah. Like your waist is too big. Yeah. You're too short. Right. It's always keep going. I see you. I got you. So.

It is impossible because all the programming in your brain with this action is already in here because you've seen people do this and you've done it for a fucking lifetime. So when you look at yourself in the eyes and you just silently go like this, you aim all that positive. I got you. I see you keep going with your own reflection, right? You do that five mornings in a row based on our research, right?

That's how quickly it takes to start to actually see yourself as somebody that you're like, okay, I got you. Get out there. Right. And it, you will stop if you keep doing this. You won't even need to do the high five. I don't even need to. I look at myself in the mirror now and I used to just scan my gray hair and this and that and just trash myself. And I don't actually do that.

Because I would never talk to my daughter that way. I wouldn't talk to my best friend that way. Why the fuck would I talk to myself that way? The reason why you talk to yourself that way is because you've just repeated it and you just do it all the time. Yeah. And so that's one thing that you can do. The second thing that you need to do, I personally believe, because the reason why you're not happy is because you live your life here. My entire life from morning to night is I'm so... You could describe me as one thing. It's in my head. Okay. Okay.

But I want to validate that you live in a chronic state of fight or flight. Yeah. And that's why you're not happy. And there are things that you can do to understand that in your body, if you're always on edge, then parts of your brain don't work because you've got the alarm going in your body. Does that sound resonant for you? Right. Okay. Yeah. I mean, even the incident that you were talking about where somebody commented on your body,

When that happens to you when you're little, it makes you feel unsafe. Yeah. And so your body is designed to sound the alarm when you feel unsafe. It's doing what it's supposed to be doing. Yeah. But then the problem is you're going to be bracing again. Right. Because you're trying to protect yourself from these jerks who said something that scared you. And then you don't have adults around you that can actually help you. And so you as a kid are having to feel like you've got to take this all on yourself. Mm-hmm.

And a lot of the comedy and looking out there is a distraction so people don't pick on you. You're like, I'm going to do it first. Before anyone else can do it to me. Correct. Yeah. It's an actual offensive move. Now, that doesn't mean you're not funny as fuck. Doesn't mean that's not your genius. But you can still have that genius and actually heal the thing that it actually came from.

And so what I want you to understand is your body has two nervous systems. Okay. Okay. There's the alarm. We know that one works. I know that one works well. Yes. And you know, when you do like that and then you're up your head, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Scanning around. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Okay. That's, that's the alarm. Your body also has a calm, resting, sexy alarm.

confident, present nervous system. It's called the parasympathetic nervous system. And so I'm going to teach you how to turn it on. You're so fucking cool. Okay. So you have something in your body called the Vegas nerve. I wish they taught this in elementary school. It runs from literally your butt through every major organ, your vocal cords, all the way up to the top of your head. It's the on off switch. Okay. Between alarm and fucking chill. Right. It's sort of like the internal, um, uh,

Yeah. Flips the switch, right? So what you're going to do is you are going to, whenever you feel that, oh my God, the alarm's on. Somebody flipped on the lights. Okay, I'm capable of feeling this. You're literally just going to, you can just put your hand right here. This is where the vagus nerve runs right through here. You're going to press in, close your eyes. Here he goes. Breathe in. Here we go. Blow it out. And all you have to remember, Jake, is that the exhale's longer. Let's breathe in again.

One more time. Here we go. And then you're just going to say to yourself, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm loved. And I'm capable of figuring this out. I'm capable of figuring this out. What do you feel in your body? Calmer. Yes.

Yeah. A lot calmer. Yeah. And you can do that anytime you want. Yeah. And so if you find, and you, you're living a big life, you got big goals, so you're going to need to have that energy. But if you feel it getting the best of you, fucking drop in real quick, settle yourself,

then go into the business meeting, then walk on to the date. And so those are two tools you can use to actually start to rewire the way that you go right on edge. And also that cheesy thing, high five the mirror, do it every morning as part of my morning routine.

As a way to start to actually go, I got to root for that person. I got to stop punishing myself for the fact that I'm short. Right. Like how cruel. Yeah. There's nothing I can do. No. Well, there is something you can do. Yeah, that. I can't change my life. You can learn to go, this is who I am and I get to choose whether or not I go through life. Right. Hating that or embracing it.

Like what's great about being your size? I can get on people's shoulders during music festivals. Great. Yeah. Skiing is easier for me. Yeah. Because I'm closer to the ground. You want to know what else? What? I don't think you, I think the fact that you're shorter like Kevin Hart. Yeah. Actually makes you more unique. That too. I look different. Uh-huh. So like people can call me out easier and stuff.

I'm more like jarring to the eyes. So like not jarring. Oh, recognizable. Yes. Yes. And so like people, I can be more of a personality cause I look different. Yes. You are more of a personality. Right. And you also are relatable.

Yeah. Like if you're like crazy tall and you look like you should, you probably will be on GQ because of your success. Stop. I love you. Thank you. And, and you know, the other thing is so many people look up to you and everybody watching and listening has something they hate about how they look. Right. And so there's some way to figure out how to make it funny, but actually own it. Right. I used to have this bit in my show where,

Where I wore this outfit to this award show once and my bosom was out and about. And I like basically go through everything people said about me. Why? Because I thought I believed it was true. And that's why it was funny. Because it's true. Okay. It's not true.

So this is where we're going to get into let them theory. Right. Because this is why, this is how you give power to other people. Yeah. The only thing that you should be focused on is what you actually think is true for your sake. Like the, the, the way to be happy in life is,

is to not look for validation and for the things that you want in other people's opinions because we can't control them. The way to be happy in life is to say, let them. And the thing that I want you to say is I want you to actually...

to actually use the theory in a very direct way. I want you to say, let them talk about how fat I am. Yeah. Let them talk about my bosom. Yeah. Let them comment on how short I am. Right. Let them think whatever negative fucking shit they're going to think. I will wave from my private jet while I'm sitting here drinking my Celsius and enjoying the ride because I know who I am. Yeah. And what matters in life is not what they say. So you've got to let them think negative thoughts.

I think it's really hard for me because I actually discovered this on TikTok, but like a symptom of OCD is like thinking you're a bad person and you have bad intentions. So I sometimes really convince myself I'm a bad person. Like I feel like I don't know myself. And so when someone says, that's why I always say I don't really mind when someone said, like I have very thick skin when it comes to like,

I say I have thick skin. I don't think... You do not have thick skin. Yeah, I don't think I have thick skin. No. You are porous as fuck. Yeah. Yes. You have very clear skin. Thank you. Yes, no acne. Yes. Yes, very thin. But I think...

I'm very good at deflecting comments about my appearance. So when I get a comment about my appearance, I can deflect it quickly into a joke or I can change it and make it funny and get something else out of it. When someone comments about my intentions and my character, I really...

take it to heart and I really feel like a bad person. Okay. So here's how you, here's how you use the let them theory because number one, the major thing in life you can't control is what somebody else thinks, what they do, what they believe, what they say, how they feel. Cannot control it. So you got to learn to let them. Yeah. If somebody misunderstands you, let them.

If somebody actually is confused about your intention, let them. Right. People are allowed to be confused. They're allowed to have their opinions. They're allowed to not understand why you're doing what you're doing. They're allowed to be disappointed. Let them. You're not people's parents. Yeah. They're grown ass adults. Yeah. Let them feel how they feel. Let them have their opinions. Okay. Then you come to the let me part. This is where your power is. You got to always go, okay, Jake, let me remind myself what I think matters most.

And I know my intention. And when you know what your intention is, then you know that you're a good person.

Yeah. And that's what you have to anchor. Now, if you have a good intention, let's say, um, I don't know, like, let's say that you, you can't make it to somebody's birthday party. It's not a big birthday. It's not like 25, it's like 23 and everybody's going out to some fucking restaurant and 14 people and you're splitting the bill and blah, blah, blah. You don't even want to go. Right. You don't know half the people, but your friend's a little bit dramatic and they're going, Oh, Jack, I want you to be in there. Like, Oh my God, I don't want to be there. What we do in life is,

Is we literally bend ourselves backwards and show up at things like that because we want that other person to think we are a good friend. Yeah. And she's like, why does he seem like he's in such a shitty mood? Why did he even come? He's being a therapist. Yeah. Right. So even the shit that you did to try to manipulate what they think about you didn't work. Right. Because you have no control over what they think. And they're allowed to think whatever the fuck they want. Right. See, if you do the opposite, which is I know I'm a good friend.

And I also know that in taking care of myself, that going tonight and splitting a bill with 16 people and sitting next to people I don't have the energy to talk to isn't actually going to work for me tonight. I need to rest. I need to take care of myself. So you're going to call your friend and be like, I'm not going to be able to make it. Okay, they're disappointed. Let them be disappointed. Because here's the thing about disappointment. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Yes. Yes.

Because if your friend's disappointed, it just means she loves you and wanted you there. Yeah. Isn't that a good thing? That is a good thing. See, two things are always true. Right. You can disappoint somebody and they still love you. Right. And a business partner can be disappointed that you can't make it somewhere and it means they just want you there. I mean, what's the alternative? Oh, thank God you're not coming. Right. Yeah. So...

disappointment, let them have their disappointment. It's not your job to manage it. And then let me remind myself, because you're going to say to your friend, I totally get it.

And here's the thing. I would just rather like go have coffee with you this weekend and actually get to be with you. Yeah. And so here's where, what I'd like to do and whatever they say, let them, you know, your intention. And when you align your life, Jake, with what you believe and what you feel and you know, you're a good person and you know why you're doing things, you're

that's the secret because then you don't care really what other people think because you know the truth. Right. But if you organize your life around what everybody else is thinking, you're going to make yourself crazy because you can never control it. Yeah. What are you getting out of this?

I need to let people form their own opinions of me and not base my behavior and how I think their opinions are going to be formed based on what I do. Yes. And I want you to learn this now to let people have negative thoughts. Yeah. Your job is to live your life and actually live it in a way that makes you feel good about you. A hundred percent. Got it. Yeah. And learning that now, especially given that you've got a huge, beautiful, bright, amazing future, um,

Learning to let people have negative thoughts and stay really laser focused on what am I doing and why and what are the ways to think that make me feel good about me, that's the secret to a great life. Yeah.

Do you get that? Do you see how this is a boundary too? Like you don't need any other boundary than let them. Yeah. Because let them is like, I'm letting you live your life and then my life gets better. And it's not like I'm being a dick. You're basically going, I'm not responsible for what you think and feel. Right. I feel responsible sometimes. I know what you, like now I'm like, see, like I feel like if I, my actions make someone feel a certain way, I'm responsible for how they feel. No, you're not. You're, you're, you are not responsible for anybody else's emotions.

An emotion is a chemical explosion that happens in six seconds inside somebody's body. Yeah. And what really liberated me, because I used to be a huge people pleaser and I would navigate my life based on people's moods. Or if God, I had like some friend that was like giving me the silent treatment. Now I'm like bending over backwards. What did I do wrong? And sucking up to this person. Yeah. Okay. Well, good. So let's talk about this. Yeah. So.

Everybody you meet from this point forward, just, I want you to visualize them as a eight year old child in a big body because that's how old we are emotionally. Right. And we make the mistake of looking at other adults and our friends and thinking that they're actually emotionally mature. None of us are because our parents weren't. And you're not born emotionally mature and all emotional maturity is everyone loves to throw around that word is it just means you actually understand and can process your emotions without puking them at another person.

I puke my emotions at people. I'm an erupter. Yeah. So you and I are basically eight-year-olds that throw ourselves on the floor and throw tantrums. Yeah. Do you vent text to people? Oh, me too. My daughter just went like, that's you. I'm the biggest venter. Like I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until like the words are like nails on a chalkboard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, so what that's a sign of, because that's me too,

is it's a sign of when your emotions get going you don't know how to settle them so you just puke them out right and when you get frustrated it's like with the raging right they're like oh i'm really sorry i just had a stressful day at work no you just literally can't tolerate stress and you just fucking puked it at me in a text right all caps yeah and then i sent an emoji i'll see you later yeah it's like out of my body that's me yeah same same so here's what so first of all

You actually just did the hard part. You said, oh my God, that's me. Right. And so recognizing that you're that, let's go through some other ones though. Yeah. So another big thing is the friend that is the silent treatment person. Yeah. If you think about that friend as an eight year old, that's a child who pouts. A child who pouts is just a child who like you feel frustrated or disappointed or hurt and you don't know how to use your words. So you go pout in the corner. Why? Yeah.

So the parent... You can avoid it. Yeah. Yes. Comes to you. Yes. Yes. This episode of Therapist is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So we have been using Booking.com nonstop to book all of the hotels and all of our travel for tour. I totally forgot how stressful booking travel was until you are in a group of 10 people and we all need a place to stay and we are all incredibly last minute people, especially Matt.

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especially during travel. I've also found that it's incredibly useful and very important to find stays walking distance to the venue. When you're on tour, it's hard to like actually move your body and walk around. It's important to find a hotel that is walking distance to the venue. No matter who you are, Booking.com helps you find the stay that is ridiculously right for you. So what are you waiting for? Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com. Booking. Yeah!

It all starts with a swipe. Thank you, Tinder, for sponsoring today's episode. In a recent study, it has been proven that people find having a hobby sexy, okay? And on Tinder, you can list your hobbies, like the hobbies you enjoy doing on your profile, which is crucial to finding a romantic or platonic partner.

Some hobbies I enjoy doing are complaining, going on my phone and doom scrolling, cooking. I love cooking. I love working out. I love watching TV. So if I could find someone that loves going on their phone in silence with me, that would be ideal for me. And honestly, I think you can make anything out to be a hobby. It's just...

I feel like the definition of a hobby is just something you like to do. Your bio on Tinder is like prime real estate. So instead of just like listing out hobbies, you can make them like part of your profile. It's sometimes hard to like start a conversation on a dating app. But what is so great about Tinder is that they give you so many of these prompts and like places for you to put in things that are interesting to you and about you that it prompts conversation with whoever you're talking to.

to tinder is the perfect place to show off who you are through interest it's not about looks but it's about what you vibe with and what you were interested in and if somebody else is also interested in that explore all the possibilities for yourself tinder it starts with a swipe download the app today and thank you tinder for sponsoring today's episode if somebody's doing the silent treatment to you choosing whether or not you're going to be compassionate and try to comfort them some people you may right

Choosing that, okay, I see who this person is and I now know to have kind of good boundaries because this is what this person does. Right. And so that's how you understand, how do I want to respond to this situation? Well, you just ask yourself, well, what's worth my time and energy? Because my responsibility is actually to myself. Right. Isn't that kind of cool? That is cool. Yeah. And this goes to dating too, by the way. Yeah.

So we talked about how you would really like to be in a relationship. And so the two things that I want you to do is number one, to really like think about the more that you actively try to program in that this is going to happen. I'm a fucking catch. I'm funny as hell. I'm super kind. I got stuff I'm working through, but I'm capable of working through it. And the right person actually creates an environment where I feel safe to do so. Right. And so, yeah,

Kind of reminding yourself of that instead of the opposite that you've been doing, which is I'm short and I was going to love me and a big tits and that that that that that that that I and I don't look like this and I don't have that, which which is its own thing, which then does not actually help you.

attract what you want because like attracts like. And if you are looking for somebody that makes you feel safe and makes you laugh and that you just feel like you can be you with, then that's what you are going to attract in your life. And by attract, I mean your radar is up and not gaydar. I mean radar for what is attractive and what is not attractive to me. And so in dating, here's how I want you to think about this.

People's behavior tells you the truth about where you stand and what their priorities are. Right. And the danger that we all get into is, and all the situationship shit, is that we refuse to see somebody's behavior, especially in the fool around stage where it's super casual and you're just protecting yourself from venereal disease and having fun. Yeah, yeah. With the lights off, of course, right? Of course, yes. Because we're going to work on the body image stuff, right? Yes, yes. That you...

Get yourself in danger because instead of living in the reality and letting them reveal whether or not they like you and how they treat you and whether or not you're a priority, you live up here in your head and you create a fantasy about what's going on. Yeah. See, I think people's behavior is very black and white. What do you mean? Well, I mean, if somebody wants to see you, you'll know it. Right. If you're a priority, you'll know it.

If all they do is text you, but you don't make plans, it means they don't like you. They're bored. There's no confusing behavior. Right. You confuse yourself because you go up here and go, well, maybe it means this. Maybe they're busy. And the only thing that's confusing about dating is how we confuse ourselves. Right. Because we will not let people show us that they're not interested. Yeah.

Let them show you they're not interested. Let them text you when they're bored and never ask to see you. Let them lead you on and never follow up because now they're showing you where you stand. And then you go to the let me part. This is where the boundary is and go, is this attractive to me? Right. Let me go back to my little manifesting. Okay. This was not what it was supposed to look like. So this is a no. Right. And the more you say no to the wrong stuff, the faster the right person walks in.

And see, I think because you don't like how you look, you're processing. I can feel like the octopus going like this. It's because like when I pick someone, I'm like, okay, like that is – like I'm talking – I was thinking about this – I was honestly thinking about this guy I was talking to. Okay. And he –

I thought he didn't respond to me, but it turns out I didn't respond to him. So I reached out the other day and we were talking and he was being lovely and we were having a great conversation and he was on a plane somewhere and he said he was going to watch this movie. And he was like, and then I was like, I'll watch it too. And then, so I've been trying to watch it. And then I was like, I'm going to text him when I finished the movie.

But then I was like, should he have tech? Like, is it, should I text him like that? I finished the movie or should I let him text me that he finished the movie or like, does he not care? Like, that's what I was thinking about. Great. Super relatable. So here's the thing. Why were you questioning whether or not you should text him? What are you managing? I was questioning. Well, I didn't finish the movie yet. So there's that. There's that. Yeah.

I was questioning like why he texted me that he finished the movie because I know he finished the movie because he was on a plane. How do you not finish a movie on a plane? You know what I mean? Let him. Okay. Let him. See, what we do in dating is we invent all these rules because we're trying to manage what they think of us. Yeah. What if you just let them think what they think?

And you gave yourself permission. Let me just like text when I want to text. And if I'm too much for that person, then they're not my person. Okay. How is somebody that's meant to be with you supposed to find you if you're busy trying to fit yourself into places you don't belong? They won't find me. Correct. So learning that you're not on this planet to be somebody's husband,

You're not on this planet to find the one. Right. You're on the planet to like get the most out of your life that you can and build this beautiful life. And then somebody gets to share it with you when you figure out like what makes you feel good. Yeah. And so thinking about it from a standpoint of meeting people isn't about getting to anything.

Meeting people and being in relationships is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Yeah. And the breakthroughs that I want for you are for you to actually have relationships where you can be naked in daylight, where you can really feel where you can be comfortable with yourself and feel like yourself.

And where somebody loves everything about you and it helps you love you more. Like, that's what I want for you. Yeah. And, you know, instead we chase all this stuff out here that's on the surface when really a meaningful relationship is about all the stuff you don't actually see. Yeah. And so for you using the let them theory, it's going to help you because I don't like learning how to not play games.

And giving yourself the permission to just show up. If you want to text, fucking text. If you're some psycho freak and that's what you do, I'm not saying you are, but you know, like a clingy, then let yourself be that. And the people that can't handle that leave. Yeah. Faster. And you want them to. Right. And let them think a negative thought. Let them misunderstand you. Let them think you're this. Let them think you're that. Because that's not what you're going to try to control. And let me just give myself permission to,

To just act however I want to act because that's what feels good for me. And the more that I give myself permission, the more a person that can handle me. Right. Is going to show up. Right. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. And so I feel like using this, you're going to not do the danger of censoring yourself.

Because you're going to let them think something negative, let them misunderstand me, let them feel how they're going to feel, and let me not invent some stupid fucking rule. Like you could text them after this conversation and be like, I didn't even watch the fucking movie, but I just was thinking about you.

Yeah, or I'll text him. I'm having a really hard time getting through this movie. I'm sorry I recommended it to you. It kind of sucks. Yes. Do you end up finishing it? Yes. Great. Yeah. That's true, right? Yeah, that is true. I was like, you should watch this. I heard it's amazing. And now you're like, fuck, I recommend a shitty movie. It sucks. This movie fucking sucks. Okay, great.

Let them think it sucks. No, this is so relatable because this is what we do because we put all the power over there. Right. And every time we censor ourselves, we're saying to ourselves, I don't like myself. So I can't say that. And then what if this, and I gotta be a different thing. Right. And it's self-rejection. So giving yourself permission and you can't give yourself permission until you basically go, I'm not going to manage what this person thinks of me. I'm going to let them think something negative. I'm going to let them misunderstand me. I'm going to let them like, not like me because I'm short. I can't change it. They're not my person.

Like I know who I am and I'm going to let me basically go, the right person is going to make me feel 10 feet tall. Yeah, they are. Because I'm not going to think about my height. Correct. Yeah. And you only think about your height because of some fucking asshole and what they said to you when you were little. Yeah. And you have to stop giving that power. And it's a more complicated thing because it was a traumatic experience where you froze and felt under attack and that was the right response. Uh-huh.

But you have to reclaim the way you brace in life because you're an adult now and you don't have to go through life like that. Yeah. But it begins with you and you learning how to say how I am is good enough.

Like I got to be able to be naked with myself. I got to be able to accept myself. Right. Because until I do that, the right loving person isn't actually going to come in. I'm going to be looking for somebody that's better and taller and sexier in the six pack and all this shit. Right. Right. Right. Because if that person chooses me, then I'm okay. Yes. If that person chooses me, that means I am like on par with that. Yes. Exactly. Yes. And you're focused on all the outside shit. Right. Right.

And it's actually like if you've got somebody that the stuff that actually matters is are they kind? Can I be myself? Are they loyal? Do they have friends? How's their relationship with their family? Yeah. If you got that shit, can I laugh? If you got that stuff, you got you've won the lottery with a person. Right. I'll tell you the abs go away. The hairline recedes. Seriously. No. Yeah. And so you're focused on the things that you think are deficits in you and you're missing.

the actual fucking goldmine that you are. Thanks. I mean it. I mean it. And so let them ghost you. Let them lead you on. Let them like, you know, do what they're going to do because you're not in it to find the one. You're in it to actually learn how to love yourself. Right. And then the right person shows up and stop like chasing the potential of something because it looks good on Instagram.

Yeah. You got to focus on what feels good for you. I feel like that is so true to me. I'm always wondering how I'm going to look with another person and how they, like, what I'm going to be like with them, like, on Instagram, just transparently. And, yeah, I do think that all the time. Well, you might actually need somebody who's not on Instagram. Whoa. I'm being honest. Are you proud of me? I'm just wanting to say, like,

That's what that is. And so, you know, I think that like you should have fun. You should date tons of people and you should let them think what they're going to think. And you should really experiment with I'm in my let me era. I'm in my let me era. I'm just going to let me be me. And I got to work on really just, okay, I'm short. I'm fucking hilarious. I'm building a big business. I have millions of fans and I'm working on learning how to allow happiness in.

I am not going to let those motherfuckers that bullied me when I was little actually dictate the way it feels to be an adult. Because the first step of actually changing your life is admitting how you're doing it no longer works for you. And it doesn't make you happy anymore. Like you protected yourself the best you could. And it's also fueled all this comedy, but you can learn how to be wildly entertaining and actually look in the mirror and be like, that's my fucking guy. Yeah. And I want that for you.

Whoa. What are you getting from this? That there are certain things I need to do. Like I need to actually practice in order to feel better about myself and how I live life. Yeah. Like I can't just like be complacent in my, how I like feel all the time. Yeah. And here's why that your brain is always watching. Right. What you're doing. So if you actually want to be in better shape and you're not working out the way you need to,

Your brain is just going, oh, well, he's not taking care of himself. Yeah. But if you force yourself to start doing different types of workouts, because are you capable of losing weight if you want to lose weight? Yes. Are you capable of like having muscles or six pack if you wanted to? Yes. Okay, great. So then you have to actually ask yourself, do you want those things?

Yeah. Like, is it like, yeah, or is it like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I really want. Okay. Then prove it. Yeah. Then prove it. Yeah. Because every day that you wake up and you're like, this is actually on the list. I carve out time for this. I've hired a trainer. Cause if you're like me, you're a lazy ass. I'm so lazy. Oh my God. You need somebody screaming at you. Like, so do it. And so prove it. And when you start to show up every day, like for every, there's so many people that watch you that want to be making money online. Right. But they don't post.

Yeah. And you want to know why they don't? Why? Because they think their fucking Instagram is for their college friends. Right. Your Instagram is for your business. Your Instagram is for your self-expression. If Susie Q from your sorority does not fucking like it,

fuck her right let her unfollow you let her gossip to all your former sorority sisters because you know that you're changing your instagram strategy because if all these people are making money you're capable of making money too but first you got to get over your massive insecurity about what other people think and the way you do it is a let them theory let them think negative things about you and let me go build that goddamn business i think

I think that's actually what I did. Yes. In terms of like, I remember like my senior year, I just started posting and posting, but I just didn't care because I thought it was funny. As long as I was making someone laugh, like I didn't really care. And then it ended up lucky, luckily becoming a business. Yes. So here's what I want you to do now that you're a business person. Make the thing that you do your job. Do not make it your identity. That's hard because my job is me. Yes, but...

Making content and being funny and going on tour and having these conversations and being self-deprecating is your job. What you do when you're not on camera and how you treat yourself and how you talk to yourself and whether or not you go to the gym and whether or not you're naked with, you know, your lover and you're in broad daylight, that's who you are. Right. Does that make sense? Yes. And when you think about it like a job, this is what I fucking do. This is not who I am. Yeah. You can have a personal brand.

That you know that this is what I do out here, but I'm actually working on boundaries with myself because I will not be successful if all I do is tear myself down in public and in private. Yeah. In private, I got to fucking build myself up. I just have to speak nicer to myself. That and you have to take the actions that actually prove to you

That you are taking care of yourself. So I would say exercising, especially if you're lazy and you need a trainer, fucking get one. Yeah. I think that what's interesting about life is that the success is not in doing it perfectly. Success is the person who actually gets back to it after they haven't done it for a while. Right. That's it. Yeah. That's it. And I did do that this week. Great. Yeah. Okay. So high five. Yeah. Like literally.

Like you're, the other thing is, is that you'll, you're also, here's another trick. Since your brain is, is always looking for what's wrong, you'll find, you'll forget that you did a hundred things correctly today. Yes. Right. But then you'll laser focus on the one thing you didn't do. It is a superpower to train yourself literally at the end of the day to go, well, what went well today? And if you can't do that, Lulu, please ask him. So tell me, tell me one thing that went well today.

I worked out. Fuck yeah. Okay. Because that's what somebody does if they actually care about themselves. Right. Yeah. I worked out. Great. All you need is one. Yeah. Like if you literally only ate 75 french fries instead of 76, we're winning. Right. And so ending the day is another way. And just saying what actually went well. Like name one thing that went well today. I met you. I met you. I met you.

I, Matt, my tour manager is here. I'm really, really happy he's here. Great. And I got to see him and I love seeing him. Great. So a lot of great things went well. Yeah. Great. And so another thing you can do, and this is for the person listening too, if you really struggle with like supporting yourself, if you did support yourself,

What would a day in the life look like that's not utopia? Like, what are the things that you would do if you were actually happy and you were proud of yourself that you're not currently doing? Oh, I can give you an exercise. Do you have an answer? No, I don't. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You ready? So this is, I'm going to call up my daughter Sawyer. And when COVID hit, was it COVID?

This is the exercise where we drew a line. It was in Rhode Island. Drew a line down the center. High school or Boston? Okay, so she graduates from college. Uh-huh. And the 20s are the worst decade of your life. There, I said it. Oh, the worst. I thought they were supposed to be like the best, though. Well, that's why it's the worst because you guys have been gaslit into thinking it's the best. Yeah. No, the 20s are the worst and I'll tell you why. From zero to 20...

Your entire life had structure to it. Yes. Where you knew exactly what was going to happen next. You were going to first, second grade, third, fourth, fifth, all the way to college and people go to college and you got a freshman, sophomore. You had celebrated the same milestones as everybody else. Yeah. So you could locate yourself.

In a big group of people. Yeah. You knew who was ahead, who was behind. We were all kind of in a pack. Plus, you were with people your age all the time. Yeah, all the time. All the time. And you were all celebrating birthdays. You had the same milestones of graduation or prom or rush or whatever it may be, right? And then all of a sudden, the 20s happened and something that I call the great scattering hits happened.

No one sees it coming. And all of the structure and foundation that you didn't realize was something that gave you a sense of confidence and a sense of what's coming next and kept you in touch with your peers evaporates.

People go to LA, they go to New York, they go to Chicago, some people go to medical school, some people like don't know what they're doing. Some people take the IB job, some people go into like everybody's all over the place. And the only thing that's holding your friend group together is a text chain that gets quieter and quieter and quieter.

And you start to think, I never see my friends. What the fuck is going on? And then you start to look around and everybody's in different phases and places. And some people are single and some people are over here. You don't see people. You start seeing some of your old friend groups get together, but then you're not invited. And then you wonder, am I in the in? Am I in the out? And you start torturing yourself. Yeah. And the reason why this happens is because of this great scattering. And the other big thing that happens is friendship goes from a group sport where everybody's together.

If you are living with a bunch of people, everybody's always invited. Yeah. If you're on a team, everybody's invited. Right. If you're in whatever Kappa house or whatever, everybody's invited. So you start to expect friendship to happen. Then the 20s hit and it all of a sudden becomes an individual sport.

And that's when people start to grip and cling and they wonder the frenemies and the breakups and all this shit. And it's because the rules of friendship have changed and because everybody has scattered and the actual structure that gave you a sense of knowing where you were disappears. Yeah. And so the way you use the let them theory of this is you've got to let friends come in and out of your life. You've got to be more flexible. You've got to let me know.

Take a proactive approach. If I want to see somebody, I need to make the effort. I can't sit back and be like, they never invite me. Well, when have you invited them somewhere? And the other thing I want to teach you is this, because I think it's really important to understand in your twenties, there are three pillars to adult friendship. One is proximity. Yes. Yes. If somebody is in front of your face,

you spend more time together. There's actual research that says that you need like 78 hours to be a friend with somebody. And in order to be a close friend, you need 200 hours together. Okay. If you think about your childhood or think about college, you're freaking living with your friends. Yeah. You see them all the time. You're in class together. So the conditions for proximity and spending lots of time are there.

You never see your friends when you hit your 20s. Yeah. Because everyone's all over the freaking place doing everything. Right. And so it's natural since you're not in front of each other to feel the friendships start to fade or strain. And then you say, let me, let me remind myself that just because I don't talk to that person anymore doesn't mean I'm against them. Yes. We're still friends. Right.

We're still friends. Like I, I like, I don't, I can be super flexible with people. Yeah. Now, if somebody is immature or toxic or whatever, then so, okay, let them be that way. I get to choose whether or not I'm going to invest in this friendship or not. But when you take a more flexible approach and when you understand it's about proximity, it's about timing, it's about energy. Before you break up with a friend or you have some big, super weird, like blow up, ask yourself,

Did any of these three pillars change? Because if the timing or the proximity or the energy is shifted, then the friendship is going to shift. And that's normal. Yeah. It's supposed to. Yeah. It means you're kind of growing in new directions. And the cool thing about being flexible and not being that clingy asshole that's always looking for the invite is that when you let people come in and out of your life, they almost always come back. Right.

Always. Yeah, they always do. Yeah. And when you let people live their lives, your life gets better. When you let people be who they are and who they're not, your relationships get better. And when you let yourself be who you are, everything gets better.

You have so much more power than you think. So this exercise is so good. So she did it after she graduated from college. She was so depressed. No purpose. My friends are all gone. I have no life. I hate my fucking body. I'm so fat. I'm out of shape. So I'm like, okay, take out a piece of paper. Yeah. Draw a line down the center. And I want you to imagine a moment in your life when you were actually...

The happiest you've been. And you might not have been happy, but when's the moment that you were the happiest? Can I do the exercise right now? Can I just like name a time? Yeah, sure. Okay. I was really, really, really happy when I woke up. I went on tour in the fall. I'd never done it before. And I didn't think people were going to buy tickets on the pre-sale.

It's so materialistic, but I just, I really didn't. And I got a text that it all sold out and I, and I wasn't expecting it. And I was really happy.

Okay. And what was your day-to-day life like? I was having a lot of fun. It was during summer and I was just living my life. Okay. But like, tell me more. Like, what time would you get up? Like, who were you hanging out with? Like, were you exercising? I was exercising, but I was traveling. Okay. A lot. Okay. You were traveling? And I was working. I was going to a lot of events. I was working the whole summer. Okay. I was showing up to places. I was really putting myself out there. Okay, great. Yeah. Um,

So that's your kind of version. And I would say I would even go more granular like what kind of food were you eating and when would you wake up and who are you hanging out with and you were exercising and you were putting yourself out there and so you're really focused on the creative and all that kind of – I was saying yes to things. Saying yes to things. I was saying yes to things. I remember it was right after this like weekend. So happy. What happened on the weekend? Like literally the best weekend of my life. Okay. What happened? I went to –

My friend is a DJ. He was performing in Las Vegas.

Come to Las Vegas. Let's do this. I always say no. I always say no. Not to him, just in general, to stuff like that. I'm always like, I'd rather just stay here. And Peyton was like, she was like, you, we're going. We need to go. We need this for me. Like, I need to go. And then my friend Ashton, too, was like, let's go. So we went. And then we flew from Vegas to Las Vegas.

To the Hamptons. Like I was living my Gossip Girl dream. I flew from Vegas and like that is something if you told me I did that as a kid, I couldn't even imagine that that's real. And I literally just had like – I felt so on top of the world. Like I felt like I could do anything. I was – I felt like the coolest person in the world. Okay, great.

So that's your version and you kind of pick apart some of the details and some of the things was I was saying yes. Yeah. I was putting myself out there. I was exercising. I was dancing. I was dancing. Yes, I was dancing. I was dancing a lot. Okay, great. I was dancing. Like, so there's all these elements, right? Yeah. Of energy and exercise and dancing and saying yes.

So when I asked my daughter, okay, think about a time in your life where you were actually genuinely the hap, like one of the happiest you can think about. It doesn't have to be elation. It could even just be like, well, this is a period of my life where it was actually generally good.

And she said senior year in high school. And that had been four years ago. And I said, well, tell me about it. She's like, well, I would get up for, I would get up. Yeah. I would go to school. I'd be with my friends all day. I would then exercise seven days a week because I was playing lacrosse. I was in a relationship. I felt good about my body. I was really looking forward to going to college. And so she laid all this stuff out and I said, great. Now on the other piece of the paper, describe your life right now. And she's like, I sleep till noon. I eat my feelings.

I'm single. I hate my body. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't see my friends. And I'm like, great, compare. There's your map. All of the things that were present in your life when you felt even just a little happier. Yes.

And you could add to your list by going, what other periods of my life did I even just feel more content? And you'll start to see, oh, I got up earlier. I had structure to my day. I was exercising or dancing or doing my art. I was saying yes instead of cocooning in my brain and by myself and just working, working, working, working. And that's your map. You actually know what it feels like. To know what to do to be happy. Correct. Your own life gives you the answers.

We just allow the busyness of the world and the anxiety in our mind to shield us from what we actually know to be true. And so if you were to add in more yeses...

Not like more obligations, but yeses to fun. To stuff I wanted to do. Yes. That you now say, I don't have time. Yeah. That's what I always say. Yes. But when you see it on paper, you go, oh, wait a minute. This is allowing happiness. I have to say one yes or two yeses a month. I got to dance once a month.

I have to. You have to. Like, so understanding that this is direct access to your lived experience and happiness makes you more intentional about putting it in. Yeah. That's the exercise that can help you. Wow.

You have like you have your own formula. Yes. You know what to do. Yes. So it's not about like the extra the outside stuff. It's like what you are actually doing. Yes. Like you're dancing. You're saying yes. You're waking up early. You're working out. Yes. See mine's the opposite. At this stage of my life it's really finding more time to like be with my husband or my kids or a friend and go hike a mountain. Right. It's having the time to read a book. Yeah. And not have to talk.

It's cooking. It's gardening. It's spending time with my parents who are getting older. Like I have a different formula now and it's why I have big boundaries because when you're wildly successful, people just want more from you. And the game is actually in saying no to everything that doesn't work for you. So funny you say that because I feel like, or I've always told myself that if I become successful and people want more of me,

That will make me feel good. I'll become more successful and I'll get the hot guy because he will want my life and want what I have. But that's such a bad way to think. No, no, no. It's actually all the research is very clear that you do not achieve happiness by accomplishing something. Yeah. That's actually a recipe for being miserable in your life because the second that you go, I mean, you've already achieved, you've already sold out the fucking tour.

You accomplish the thing that you thought would make you happy. But now that it's over, now you don't have anything to make you happy. And so the real secret is how do you make yourself happy now while you're working toward those things? Right. And the way that you make yourself happy now is you do that exercise and you go, oh, dummy. Yeah.

Like I need to dance. Right. I actually need moments of quiet. I freaking need to exercise. I, I'm happier when I do. There's my formula. And if I do that now, I'll actually be happy while I'm working on these big goals. And if I'm happier now, I'll be even better at working on this shit instead of being miserable and trashing myself and slogging through the day, hoping that I'll be happier then. Fuck that.

Period. You ready for the tell me what's wrongs? Yes. I'm currently in art school and there's so many personal projects I want to do to add to my portfolio so I can actually get a job. Every week I tell myself that I'm going to work on my projects, but I always end up getting sidetracked and doing something else like decorating my room, meaningless chores, etc. It makes me feel awful, but it's not like I'm not motivated to do them. I just put it last in my priorities.

Do you have advice for that? My advice would be to just like force yourself to do it one day and then like that starts a pattern. It's kind of like what I did with working out. Like I always put it last in my priorities. And once you just like force yourself to go, like you end up – it becomes natural. Like I used to smoke a lot of weed. Every single day I would smoke weed like morning to the night.

And then I quit, and then I really missed it the first week. Second week, I missed it a little less. Third week, I missed it. Now I don't even really think about it. So...

Like when this person, the same goes for starting a project. So like you start it the first week, it might be hard to like keep yourself on doing it. Second week is a little less hard and then it just becomes second nature. Yes. So there's two tools you can use to push yourself to start. One is something I created called the five second rule. So when it's time to go work on that project and you feel like cleaning your room, you're going to count backwards. Five, four, three, two, one move.

And the count backwards pushes you through the bullshit and it tips the first domino. And once you go five, four, three, two, one, and you've started counting, it actually switches from this part of your brain that's going to make you clean to this part of the brain that's like, go. So that's one thing you can do. The second thing that you can do is this comes from this researcher, psychiatrist dude named Dr. K. He has this big channel on YouTube called The Healthy Gamer. He's way into video gaming addiction. So-

If you avoid it, here's what you need to say. I know that this is hard and I don't want to do it, but I'm doing it anyway. Acknowledging that you don't want to do it, believe it or not, actually removes the resistance.

Really? Yes. Okay. Yes. Because we wrestle in our brains instead of going, I get it. I don't want to do it. I'm still fucking doing it. And then the final thing I would say about this is don't look for a big block of time. I have this practice called the hot 15 and it is fine 15 minutes. And I typically do it first thing in the morning to just inch the ball down the field. That's it. If you can do 15 minutes once a week, you'll get the thing done over the semester. Right.

Yeah. Just 15 minutes. That's it. And then you might even want to spend more time doing it. All right. Yeah. There we go. There we go. What? A prescription? That. That. Yeah. We don't want to give you anything else to do. Yeah. Just fucking do what you need to do. Yes.

I recently have found out that my boyfriend's family is very wealthy. It all hit me when plans started to form for our vacation that we are going on next week. What's wrong? I'm a small town girl and I feel worried I'm not going to fit in with their vibe. How do I cosplay? You don't. Right. Let them think what they're going to think. Let them have their opinions. Let them be uber wealthy. And then let me trust that if the person has chosen me,

That's all that matters. Right. I do have a prescription for this. Get it. Crazy rotations. Oh, yes. Yeah. That is fucking right there. Right. Yes. Right on the money. Right. Yes. Because you're actually dating him, not his parents. Right. And like if they're not going to think of you in a certain regard because of your wealth, then why would you even want to be with them? And even more important, don't watch them. Watch him.

How he treats you when you show up as you is what actually matters. Let him reveal who he is and how he treats you when he's with your family. Right. It's like how a guy treats you in front of his friends. Exactly. I ghosted my best friend of 10 years. We live a few hours away from each other now, and she basically randomly called me one day just judging my entire life and made me feel like shit. It was completely out of nowhere. It's been two years, and I still don't know if ghosting her was the right move.

I think you know it wasn't the right move, which is why you're writing to us for advice, and that's okay. Yeah. And so recognizing that you didn't handle that well is, it takes a lot of courage. And your friend did not handle her emotions well because she let it sit for two years and then vomited on you. You have to ask yourself this because you're going to go let them. Let them be emotionally immature. Let me be emotionally immature. Right. Like, give myself some grace. Ask yourself, is this a relationship that,

that you really do want to repair because the fact that she called you, it comes from hurt. She actually misses you. Right. And doesn't understand why you left. It is so painful when somebody walks out of your life with that explanation. Yeah. Because you don't know what you did wrong. Yeah. And so you have to ask yourself, is this something that A, you want to repair and B, you're going to regret ghosting this person forever.

Do you just need to clean it up? And you could do that with a letter.

You could do that with a voice memo. You could write an email and say, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. And while it was painful to hear, like it's, you had the right to say it. I would love to talk to you in person and actually clean up the mess that I made. And then let them respond. But you get to choose what you're going to do next. What's the prescription? I don't know what to tell them. That it's never too late to clean up something. Yeah. It's still on the floor. Oh, you know. Ooh. Ooh.

It's true. Just because you don't clean it up doesn't mean it's going to magically disappear. Yes, it doesn't. I dated a girl for three years with a super unique name. We broke up a year ago, and I think this girl in my philosophy class is really cute. She happens to have the same exact name as my ex. I can't tell if the name thing is part of my crush on her or if I actually really like her. Am I psychologically fucked? Let me know.

Oh, well, I think you're actually psychologically in a good place because you're not going to slip and say your ex's name and be in trouble. Right. So true. Yes. So maybe just go for it. Go for it. For sure. I just found out my boyfriend went to the strip club last night with his frat brothers. Do I go total ape shit or try to be cool? He also will never take me out to a nice dinner. So I don't know where he's getting the money. OK, two different issues. Did he lie to you about going to the strip club?

Because he's allowed to do what he does with his friends. Right. That's not the issue. The issue is whether or not he hid it from you. Right. It sounds like he told her...

No, it doesn't sound like he lied to her. It's like, are you worried that he fucked somebody at the strip club? Like, like he's allowed to go to a legal establishment as an adult with his friends. Let him. Right. You don't think that's cheating at all? Cheating? Yeah. To go to a strip club? No, you're right. I'm just, I'm just asking. No? Yeah. No, absolutely not. I think the problem is if somebody lies about it. Right.

it or is shady about it. Or if you're with somebody that's doing coke and might be screwing somebody in the back room at the strip club. Right. That's a different issue. This is something that somebody is allowed to do. It's legal. The issue, that's your issue, not his. Right. So that's number one. The second one was, what was the second question?

that he never spends his money on her. Okay. That's what she's saying. She's like, how does he spend this money on the strip club but not on me? Well, she is actually collapsing the two issues. Okay. So she's judging him for doing something that makes her feel insecure. Right. You got to let him live his life and you got to deal with your own insecurity.

And now you're trying to punish him and say, oh, you're going to spend it on that that I don't approve of and not spend it on me. Right. The actual issue that you're talking about is you don't feel considered by him. Yes. Which is there is something about the fact that he is not operating in a way that makes you feel like a priority. Probably has a lot less to do with money. But now you're picking a fight about it over this thing called the strip club. Right. This is an issue about I don't feel like a priority to you. Right.

So focus on that. Yes. Not the strip club. Yeah, because what I used to do when I was out of control and a walking red flag is I would find one thing like the strip club and I would blow that up into a gigantic thing when the real issue is...

I just don't feel like I'm a priority. Right. And you're scared to say it. So a real conversation. Let them be who they are. Let them string you along. Let them go to the strip club. And then let me ask myself, is this the table scraps or the relationship I'm looking for? Is this kind of a turnoff to me? Right. Okay. Then do something about it. So do something. Yeah. They're not the problem. You are. If you're accepting this stuff in your life. Well, yeah. I don't know what to prescribe besides once again, that. Yeah.

My sister is really pretty and everyone is always telling me that she is super hot. How do I not compare myself to her? This is my daughter's.

No, seriously. I watched in heartbreak as my oldest daughter would obsess over how she thought her younger sister was prettier, had perfect pitch, had a better body. All the guys flocked to her, has perfect fashion. The other thing that like really pissed her off is that her sister could borrow her clothes because she was skinnier, but she couldn't borrow her sister's clothes. Like fucking infuriating, right? Right. And so... Oh, I'd freak out. Yes. Yeah. So he...

Here's the thing. We tend to engage in something called upward comparison. Okay. Which is you look around and see all the people that look shinier and better, and then you compare yourself to them. Mm-hmm.

We don't engage in downward comparison. Like if you're obsessed with everybody who's skinnier than you, that's all you see because the filter in your brain is the for you page. Right. You don't ever look around and go, wait a minute, I'm actually skinnier than 90% of the people at this bar. Right. And if you're going to compare up, you better fucking compare down.

and actually look at reality. And you also have to start to learn that other people's wins are not your losses. And comparing yourself to somebody else's fixed attributes, like there is absolutely nothing you can do to change your height. You can't change your family. You can't change your history. You can't change your complexion. You can't change the country you were born into. You can't change the past.

Obsessing over the fact that somebody has a trust fund and you don't doesn't give you a trust fund. It makes you miserable. Everything can be changed through effort and time and attitude. Everything. But the more that you stare at your sister and tell yourself that she's beautiful and you got fucked and life isn't fair and everybody flocks to her and buys her drinks while you stand there like a fucking loser next to her.

then the less you're actually going to see the gifts that you have and take advantage of them. That's a perfect question for you though. Because I heard you talk about that. Yeah. See, comparing yourself to other people is normal. Comparison isn't the problem. It's what you do with it that matters. And so if you use comparison to torture yourself like you do, over height, right? That is just a habit of bashing yourself.

My daughter did the same thing about her metabolism and her sisters and, you know, her body versus her sisters and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That is a form of self torture. At some point you got to go. Life isn't fair. They got the genes. I did not. And I got to look at the cards that I've been dealt. I got to figure out how to play the fucking hand that I have. And I'm not going to become better at life or be a great card player if all I do is trash myself for the cards that I'm holding. Right. Now, this is where comparison gets interesting.

Because you're going to compare yourself to other people, as long as it's not something that's fixed, like height or your history, or maybe you hate the fact that your parents got divorced and your friend has the perfect family, whatever the fuck it is. As long as it's not something like that, comparison is like the coolest thing in the world because other people are never playing against you. What do you mean? I mean, other people are not playing against you. They're playing with you in life. Right. See, you can learn how to play the cards in your hand from other people.

You can be a better player in life by learning from other people. Absolutely 99% of the things. Oh, I see what you mean. You're not playing against someone in a card game. You can share cards and look at their. Yes. Yeah. Yes. So 99% of the things that you want in life, you can actually create through effort and attitude and time. Right. And other people will never block your way. Only you can do that.

Right. Other people can't take what's meant for you, but you can take it away from yourself. Yeah. And as long as you're fucking staring at somebody else's hand going, this isn't fair, you will never actually see the gift that is in your own hand and learn how to play it. And when you flip comparison from torturing yourself to actually, what could this teach me? Other people show you the formulas for how you can get anything. Right.

You want to be an influencer and you're watching Jake. He is showing you the formula every day for what he does every fucking day. Instead of sitting there like, well, it's never going to work for me because I'm tall and he's short and he's this, you know, right. Yeah. Instead of blocking your own hand, fucking let him lead the way. Right. Let him be successful. Let him be happiness, success, love, friendship. This shit is in limitless supply. Right. It's there for the creating. But if you're so busy creating,

comparing yourself to everybody else and telling yourself that you're, it's never going to happen. You will never actually see the truth, which is you could create it too. Right.

Just because someone else has it doesn't mean you can't. Actually, it means you can. Right. It's the opposite. See, I used to go through life and see somebody else's wins as I'm losing. She has a boyfriend. I won't get one. They got pregnant first. I'm never going to. Their house is renovated. Now my house sucks. They got the new car. Oh, they're getting better. They have this many followers. Now I can't have it. Oh, Jake was the first. Now I can't be an influencer because all our friends will think I copied him. Of course you copied him. Just like he copied somebody else. Right. Right. We're all following the same formula.

Because formulas work. You make it your own by doing it. And the only reason why people don't follow the formula in life is why? I'm afraid you're going to think something about me. Think something negative while I follow the fucking formula and go after creating the life I want. Yes. I'm going to prescribe the let them theory. You better read that book. And you know what? I think that's a beautiful place to end. Mel.

Thank you so much for coming on Therapist. Thank you. I had a lovely, lovely time with you. Lovely? Yes. Really? Yeah, this was lovely. Wow. Well, I think you were very honest. She told me before this started, you have to be honest. Well, because I would have just dragged it out of you and that would have been painful. I know. Yeah. No, I'm proud of you. Thank you. Proud of you. I hope you really absorb this and you take the things that are meant for you and you really...

Cause a shift. Cause you deserve to be happy. I will. Okay. I will. I will practice it. Great. Awesome. I love that for you. I love you. I love you. He's got you up. He's slaying. He's shook. It's therapist, therapist, therapist, therapist.