Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
The next morning I wake up and I check Twitter there was two men that were like on the run from Chicago for murder for shooting and yeah and they matched the description perfectly like when I fart nobody says anything about it but the teacher like called me over and I was like yes and she was like hey you're gonna have to get a medical note if you keep doing this or ask to go to the restroom no way yeah she asked me to get a medical note bro she would have sent you to the ER by now I was
I was like, what? She would've been like, go. What's up, guys? Welcome to another episode of the LOL Podcast. That's so weird. I don't want to do that. Let's go. That's not a thing. Let's go. If you hit your wife and I went and said, hey, Cash hits his wife, that's not me talking bad about you. No, that's like you speaking truth. Yeah. Right. You're saying like, I did something bad.
First of all, why that? Yeah. No, like anything else. Yo, sorry. Oh my gosh. Just first thing that came to mind, man. Like, you know, like when he smashed all my plates on the dining room floor? Oh. Like when Kate hit me. I didn't hit you. I get hit. I did not hit you. Hey, hey. She's hit me. Tell me about that. Is this turning down a fourth grade drama? What happened? What is going on here? Why'd she hit you, bud? Why'd she hit me? Yeah. Bro, because I fart and it's a condition. No. No.
I'm being so for real right now. I went to a doctor. No, I'm about to have to go to a doctor, but I don't want to because in reality, I'm like, spend money to stop farting less. No, y'all listen, listen. No, let me say it. Let me say it. I'm like, would I do okay?
I started counting my farts. Yeah. And I was like, because it's getting out of hand. So you're just like, you're just like, you're like, that's one. Yeah. And I noticed it was getting out of hand when you told me something. I said, bro, the worst thing about an airplane is when you got to hold all your farts in and your stomach's hurting at the end. And Matt goes, that's not normal. Yeah. He was like, what do you mean? It's a three hour flight. What do you got to fart like once? Yeah.
And I was like, no, I got farted like 12 times on the plane. And he's like, dude, that's not normal. You should get that checked out. You took that literal. Oh, I took that to heart. No, listen. And so I started counting my farts. And I get up every day. I don't count the exact amount because after like 20 or 30, I stop counting. Oh, my gosh. Every day, I get up to like 20. I don't think he's joking, too. Not joking. I get up to like 20.
maybe even mid-30s, and I'm like, this is out of hand. Like, I'll walk in somewhere, and I'm like, wow, I farted. Like, if I walked in somewhere for, like, 30 minutes, I'd be like, dude, I farted seven times in there. That's actually not normal. And Kate's telling me to get it checked out. I'm getting a phone call. Should I answer it? Who is it? It was Brooklyn. No, probably not. That's one of his –
drama girls. No, Brooklyn's not drama. She's in Japan. She can only call me for like an hour. Brooklyn's not drama. I'm kidding. It was a joke. Obviously, Brooklyn's not drama. Well, the thing about farting... No, Brooklyn's not drama. Right? The thing about farting is... I don't know. I don't even know what Brooklyn is talking about. Listen. No, yeah, listen. No, I'm kidding. But like, the thing about farting is in my ELA class, I also have a condition where... Yo, I thought I was the only one. I swear, I always fart. I knew I smelled something. That was probably you walking in the room. No, but like...
I swear. Okay, so my ELA teacher, she's... Can you explain to me what that is? Yeah, I was about to ask the same thing. English language arts. Yeah, English language arts and sometimes reading. Mom, it's fine. Okay. She's not... No woman's going to watch this. Or, like, obviously won't. You know, like, it's not like... No woman's going to watch this. You think we only guys watch this? No, I mean, like, not somebody older than...
Okay, Harper. Thank you. Please tell me about your farting problem in Eli. So basically... Oh, sorry. Sorry. I also have a burping problem. But we're just... All right. This is the second time. Anyways. His little chair gets me every time. Yeah, of course. I forget that he's sitting in his little chair. I'm sorry, but why does it have like a second thing? He might break it. Anyways. So I...
I, um, in ELA, my teacher, I was farting the whole class and she said, Harper, meet me after class. And I was like, okay. Do you like fart out loud? Like it makes noises? Yeah. Yeah. It's a joke. No. And people start laughing and I'm like, I'm known for that. I'm not known for farting, but like, I'm known for being like, I was, um, usually like when I fart, nobody says anything about it, but the teacher like called me over and I was like, yes. And she was like, Hey, you're
You're gonna have to get a medical note if you keep doing this or ask to go to the restaurant. No way. Yeah, she asked me to get a medical note. Bro, she would have sent me to the ER by now. I was like, what? She would have been like, go, 911. No, but...
I was like, I was like, you know, like, I can't really help. I was laughing at that. I was like, I can't help my bodily functions. Thank you. Thank you. He says that every day. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I see that every day of my life. He says that exact thing. Because somebody smells something in the room. Everyone looks at me and goes, cat. My, my, my, my, my.
I'm like, yo, yo, don't act like y'all don't do that too. And just because I do it more is no reason to hate. What? The other day, we're at the doctor. Cash gets an x-ray of his back. This is crazy. This proved my condition. We were at the chiropractor, not a gastrologist. We're at a chiropractor.
And we're looking at the x-ray. Do you know what a chiropractor is? Yeah, a guy who pops them. I had got an x-ray the day before, and we're comparing them. And Cash has got this big, like, circle-looking thing right on his ribs. I was worried for a second. And, like, it wasn't on mine, and we were like, what is that? And right before we were about to ask it, doctor goes, now, I know y'all are probably wondering what this circle is. Mm-hmm. That's just, uh...
Pretty much everybody has like a gas bubble. He goes, that's just like the gas bubble that everybody has, but yours is just significantly larger than the average person's. Yeah, he actually said that. And I was like, so you think I got a condition too? This is not normal. I'm on my x-ray. Like mine was not there. Dude, that's three scenarios. Matt telling me the airplane thing is not normal. That's not. The chiropractor telling me my x-ray is not normal because of my fart bubble. And everyone telling me it's not normal when I fart that much.
What do you even see about that? The weird thing is, like, how do farts smell? Like, how do they smell? Like, it's just, like, air coming out of your butt. Like, I don't understand how it smells. Like, I understand, like, you poop, but, like, that doesn't smell after you wipe, you know? Yo. Well, if you do wipe, I mean. No.
Did you do it even one time because I
Because that's too many. Okay, okay. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. So, I... Basically, some days, I don't... This is like one of those things. It's like watching a car crash. No, it's like... It's like, you want to look away, but you can't. Like, I want to stop listening. I want to tell you to stop talking, but I can't. Well, I'm not going to stop. No. So, basically...
I go days without pooping and days without peeing, and then it all comes out. That's the opposite of her. She says she poops three times a day. Okay, it stops, but, like, I'm not going to lie. Let's hear more about your wife's poop schedule, Kat. No, I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Probably, like, a month ago, and I was, like, I don't know why. It must have been something I was eating. I literally was pooping three times a day. Okay, so back to you not wiping.
Oh, anyways, we don't have to talk about that anymore. But like, I was like, I don't know. So I also ate this one brownie. It's a fiber brownie. That'll do it. Yeah. That will do it. Yeah. The fiber. It's in the school vending machine. Who has a fiber brownie in the school vending machine? Right? Like, it
offensive to some people. Wait, a fiber brownie? That's offensive because they're like, you need to get all your poop out in the next three days. I'm like, well, I got all mine out in the next hour, so I don't understand. Harper, do you poop in school bathrooms? No. Okay. Yeah, I do, actually. I mean, I can't be lying on this. Somebody's going to find out. Wait, what's the difference between a brownie and a fiber brownie? One has fiber. Yeah, one is a brownie and one has fiber, but fiber makes you
- Let all, all in. - Yeah, it like literally just clears you up. - Oh, actually? - Yes, sir. - Yeah. No, you know what this makes me think of?
When Cash and Maverick were living in L.A., Cash didn't cook, and he was trying to eat at home, so he would get these frozen meals. Hold up. I feel bad for this. This is the actual... I genuinely feel bad for this. This was me. Never live with roommates. This is the actual... No, never live with five guys. Yeah, this is a horrible story, man. So, they're cooking, and I remember dating Cash, and he was telling me he was getting sick every day. Every day? He didn't tell me he was getting sick, so I didn't know. But, like, it wasn't, like...
like out of the norm norm because like i fart a lot yeah so now i was just pooping a lot i'm sorry bud and i was like bro why am i pooping so much and not only am i pooping so much i am sick can i tell the story and all right you tell yeah so every day cash was on the same schedule he'd come down and he'd get his pasta his frozen pasta i was playing video games a lot he played too much so he would come down he'd get his frozen pasta thing out of the fridge like
Like those packet meals? Yeah. And then he'd put it in the oven or microwave or whatever and it would take a couple minutes. Six minutes. While he did that, he would go upstairs. Every day, he'd go upstairs because he would run down in between games, stick it in there, and then go back up. You got to sprint. Yeah, he's on a loading screen. So he's got to get back up there before the game starts. I don't want to drop in, you know? So...
I would be like, oh, I'll take his food out for him. So I'd take his food out, and me and Michael decided to start putting laxative in his food every day. Every single day. Every day. Every day. For like two weeks.
And after we didn't realize anything was happening, we just started putting a lot. A lot more. A whole relaxative in my food. Like, I mean, it was at one point we were putting, like, this whole water bottle of laxative in his food every day. I was literally eating a bottle of laxative a day. Every day. And I was horribly sick. But I wasn't whining about it. Like, I'm not going to go to my guy roommates and be like, bro, I'm so sick. Can you hold me? Like, everything.
Dude, I was so, so sick, and every day that I went. Oh, and we also, Michael would make his protein shake every day. He would make one for him and one for Cash, and so we also put it in Cash's protein shake every day before the gym. Yeah, so I was getting two extra, extra, extra doses of laxative a day. And after the first week, I kid you not, when I said we were putting a lot of laxative in there, we were putting so much laxative in this food. How big is the bottle? Well, we went through multiple bottles. No, but how big is like a bottle? It was like...
I can't remember if it was a bottle or a bag. I can't remember. It's a bottle. But it was like, it had these scoops and we would do like multiple scoops. It's like a bloom nutrition container. Yeah. And we would do like multiple scoops in your thing. Yeah. And so moral of the story, I was horribly sick all because of self-sabotage. Moral of the story is living with men is terrible. It is terrible. That was funny. Let me tell you my theory of gaming. I know we're talking like a bunch of like conspiracy theories, but I,
I think if you like games so much, like your face is going to get so pale because you don't get any. Yeah, that's what I'm getting. So basically what I'm thinking is, you know, some gamers, they just sit in their chair all day watching, playing their game. They don't go outside, don't get any vitamin D, which is going to make your face very pale from artificial screen light.
And then your eyes are going to get bloodshot from staring at a screen, which that happens, like, to some people because, like, you can't, like, stare at a screen for so long, you know? And then you're going to get terrible posture because, like... What if you have good posture? Well, you can't have good posture on things. We all can. Yeah. Like, uh... No, but, like... You caught us all out. And then... And then you're going to get, like...
super like, I don't know, like you're just going to have bad posture. So your stomach's going to go out. Yeah. And then you're going to eat. Wait, so what's the theory? The theory is you're going to look terrible when you game too much. So don't be gaming for too long. Yeah. So Harper does not like gamers. Yeah. That's what we learned. Just like she doesn't like nerd guys, apparently. Yeah. Or if you game too much, then I won't.
let you pick me up off of my scooter. So go check out the last podcast for that story. But yeah, that's just, I feel like gaming, like I'm not, I
I don't really game. Like, I like, I don't really know. Do you play, like, games on your phone, though? Like, our friend Paige, every day. You got games on your phone? Every day, Paige gets on her phone. No, Paige is like, I gotta feed my animals. And, like, Paige is, like, 20 years old, like a grown woman, and she gets on her phone every single day to go feed her animals. It's so normal to me when guys play video games. But when a 20-year-old girl gets on Clash of Clans, I'm like, uh. She doesn't play Clash. Yeah, she does. She has her village. Okay, let's, I'm gonna be real, though. It's pretty...
kind of like a really attractive thing yo what yeah like when a girl's like oh i'm plat on apex i'm like yo what what are you flat like that's really good for a girl wait i guess mav's into that if kate ever started trying to play apex with me
I would be like, get off my Xbox right now. What? You're telling me if your girl was good at Apex, your level or better, you wouldn't enjoy that? If she's better at me, that's even worse. No, it's a video game. She can be better at sports than me, but a video game is okay. Oh, my gosh. Y'all are so... And also, it's like video games is like the bro time.
You know what I mean? Yeah, but like if she can carry me to Masters. This explains because all Mav's girlfriends played video games with us. All of them. We'd get on. Yo, what's up, dudes? What's up? All right, we're going to go into battle. Yeah, a bunch of dudes drinking Mountain Dew, going into war. And then we would hear, hey, guys, Mav's gone. So I'm going to play for now. And then...
Switch parties. Switch party chat. Okay, I've been really obsessed with this one game. Okay, so I used to be obsessed with it when I was really little, but like, do you ever go back to those games when you were little and be like, oh, I miss that, and then you start playing it and get addicted? So, anyways, I play- Papa's Frisaria. Mario Kart. Oh my gosh, yes, bro. No, but I play- Anybody play Restaurant City on Facebook? Yes, Facebook. I wish I could find that game. You played Restaurant City? There's no way you played Restaurant City. Yes, there's no way. I did. That game was popular when I was 12. Cooking Fever.
I don't know what you're talking about. Nevermind. Okay. It looked like a restaurant study anyways. Um, um,
So you just named a game that had food in it and called it Restaurant City? Well, there's, but, okay, anyways. Some kid's like, I love Minecraft. And he's like, I played it in the 70s. You mean Legos? No, but the thing is, I love Animal Jam. It's like really weird. It's a really weird game. But I like get diamonds and I actually just bought a house today. And it makes me feel so accomplished. Harper? Harper? Yeah.
Wow. Harper's a homeowner. Do you play episode? No. Oh my gosh. That's not a play. That's not a game. My mom wouldn't let me get it. That's not a game. Yeah, you don't need to play it. That is the lowest IQ thing I've ever seen any human do. Everybody used to get it in third grade and I was like, but why? I wish I could have it. No, I literally, it sucks because you try to play episode and it's like, it's like you're going out on a date with the guy you've been dreaming of for years and it's like, okay, do you want to wear the super cute outfit or do you want to go out looking homeless? But if you want the super cute outfit, you have to pay money, like real life money for it. So,
Did you buy it? Or you have to do premium. Well, my mom was smart. No, no, no. My mom was smart and didn't hook her credit card up to my phone and stuff. So I could never buy it. There you go. Bro, that's the biggest, most important thing when you have a kid, especially like 10 years old. I've seen kids spend thousands without their parents knowing. Do not hook up your credit card to your kid's thing. It says purchase not allowed online. Even me. I know if I had access to a credit card on my phone when I was playing Clash of Clans back in the day.
My bill should be maxed out. Bro, I'd be buying all the billers. I know. I would have racked up a bill on episode for my mom. That's just embarrassing. If you guys don't know what episode is, it's so stupid. It's like a TV show and you just have to click play every 10 seconds. It's like do you want to go out on a date or reject him? Let's go out on a date. But no, you don't ever get to do the fun option because it's like pay $5.99 if you want to go out on a date. Yeah, they say. What the hell?
- It's so hard, oh my gosh, episode is-- - I wonder how much money they've made off that. - Episode has to be balling so hard right now because of that. - And the next thing is, if you don't go on a date with it, it's like, do you wanna go on a date with a tree or a dog? And it's so weird. - It sucks. It makes you feel so bad about yourself. - I know, I know. - I mean, if your options are between a tree and a dog, that's pretty sad. - No, but that is so accurate. - What?
It's so accurate. Like episode will be like, when have you ever been like, well, guess I'm going to have to date my dog. How is that accurate? No, listen, episode will be like, the story will be like, you want to go on a date with a super cute guy or no? You can't, you can't pay $5.99 to go on a date. So you say no. And then it's like, do you want to sit at home and wallow in self pity? Or you want to like do this other thing? You want to know the most Riz thing? We were talking about Riz. Do that in real life.
Hey, do you want to go on a date with me? He did that. If not, I'll see you later. Cash, he did that when he was charging girls to dance with him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds really bad. Charging girls to dance with me. That is not what it sounds like. That's not what it sounds like. That's exactly what it is. You took advantage. I was like eight. I'd say I got taken advantage of. No, he was like 10 or 11. Eight? Okay.
10, 11, 12? I don't know. Maybe 10 or 11. Let me tell the story. He was like...
and fifth, fourth grade. So like nine or ten. Okay, so I guess he might be right. So he was like nine years old, right? He goes to the dance, whatever the dance is. And I already knew how to dance a little bit, but not very much. But a little bit. More than anyone else. He goes to the school dance at nine. Him and my sister, I was jealous. I couldn't go. I was only in like, I don't know, kindergarten, first grade. I don't know. Right? My dad and my mom give him like $10, $5, whatever, right? And he goes to the dance,
And he comes back. My parents pick him up, and he comes back with more money than they gave him. And they were like, what? Did you not use your money? And how did you get more? Like, I know you didn't invest it. And he goes, and he didn't say anything. My sister, Tatalon, and he was like... My sister acted all mad. And she was mad because I didn't dance with her very much. Yeah, and our sister was like, he's charging girls to dance with him. And...
My dad just starts laughing and my mom is not happy about Mav charging girls to dance. Because I pretty much took money from other nine-year-olds. He like charged a dollar for them. Like girls would like want to dance and then he'd charge them. They came up to me. They say, hey...
Will you dance with my friend? I said, no. They said, I'll give you $5. I said, bet. You were literally playing episode in real life. Yeah, you were. You were literally like. Those girls were watching episode. That's why they paid you. You were the guy. This is true. That all the girls wanted to dance with. But they couldn't unless they paid.
And then they go home, and their mom and dads are like, where'd your $5 go? And you're like, oh, I danced with Matt. You want to know what's sad about that story? That story's actually a sad, but it had a happy ending for me. You know, I got paid. Not for all these other girls that had to pay. No, you don't understand what I went through that night. Okay? What did you go through? First off... A breakup? Yes. Listen, I said, there was this girl. Her name was Natalie. I remember her. I said...
She's a beautiful girl. I said, you want to go to the dance with me? She said, I'd love to go to the dance with you. Side note, I liked Natalie too. Oh wait, I got to back up. Before I asked her to the dance, my parents made me call her dad and ask him. And I was like, no. Nine years old. I was like, imagine you get a phone call from a nine year old. Hey sir, can I take your daughter to the dance? Yeah. So I call her dad and it's awkward, you know, and he's like, obviously nice. He's like, yeah, sure. Whatever. And, um,
So I go pick this girl up. I dress all fancy. And I had to pay with my own money to get her into that dance at night. Aww. So I did. That's so sweet. This is burnt in my memory. $8. $8. Okay? I paid $8. That's low-key for a nine-year-old. Right? So I pay $8 to get this girl into this thing. There goes grandma's birthday money. Guess what? Guess what? I take two steps into the door. She takes off. She's gone. She didn't see her the rest of the night. She used you. As soon as we walked in the door, she disappeared. Aww.
I went... Maverick, did you, like, want to cry? I went, what? And she was gone. It all makes sense now. His main character moment. And then she used you to get into the dance, and that's why you were using that girl just to dance with. So then I end up seeing my sister there, and we dance. Because we had danced a little bit growing up. And then everyone saw that I could dance. And they're like, oh, Maverick can dance. Now all of a sudden...
They want me. Now they want me. No one wanted him. No one wanted Maverick before they saw him dance. Then they start coming up and asking dance. And I'm like, no, you didn't want me then. And then they offered me money. I was like, yeah, I'm kind of down right now. I could use the cash. I'm going to make my money back. Maybe.
Maybe you just broke even. Maybe you weren't really scamming. No, I definitely made money because I spent a lot too. After they paid me, I started buying other girls concession food. I was like, I have money now. Did you go to a dance? Yeah, I did. It was $20. Oh.
Oh, inflation. They're raising those prices. Okay. Also, she lives in Dallas, Texas. Y'all lived in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. There was only 50 kids in my grade. The funny thing is. Also inflation. The whole grade, not my class. 50 kids in the whole grade. No. So I took, um, you know, those three guys that we're talking about. Did you go out? Did you go with a guy? Wait, you took three guys? No, no, I didn't. I didn't. No, no, no. I'm.
That's rich. She's got more than you. I took three guys to the dance. So we were all on our skaters, the three guys that I was talking about in the last podcast. And they were all like, can you buy me food? At Wendy's. Yo, you look like Wendy.
Okay, anyway. I'm sorry. We're in the world, Kat. That was kind of cold. Please forgive me. That was like a slap across the face for no reason. I didn't know no one liked Wendy here. Harper, you don't deserve that. You deserve better. You know what Baconators do?
Come again? No, but I bought them all food. And they were like, yeah, can you, like, will you pay for our food? And I was like, yeah, they're probably just going to get fries and stuff. They started buying the whole entire menu. Yeah, guys do that. The bill ended up being
I think $50 for all of this. I asked my mom to pay me back. They're like, hey, thanks, Harper. The next day, they just go see me. I was like, are you joking? Wait, so do you have like... Guys, use you for... I mean, that sounds about right. Do you have like a debit card or something? Wow. Wait, you gotta... Wait, whoa. Yeah, I'll take that.
like you know that's a sad story but you know that happens to me way too often stop buying girls food if you're not dating them there's no need for that yeah both of y'all don't buy people food if you're not with them do you not have food at home like what's going on i would be
I'm still mad to this day. I'm like, wait. The fact that they ghosted you after that too, that's so shady. They said they would pay me back too. And I still see them. If anybody ever says that, they never do. Hey, if I see them in person ever again, I will tell them. I'll say, y'all owe Harper $50 for that Wendy's. From Wendy's. And they also called me Wendy's too. Is that why you got mad when I said Wendy's? Yes, it was.
bring it brung me flashbacks. I just, you know, four flashbacks. Wendy's is gross dog. Like that's a, like of all the restaurants, why would you say, listen, have you ever been to a Wendy's bathroom? Oh, even just their lobby. I started slipping all over the place. It's like oil just everywhere. Why are like random fast food bathrooms like always slippery?
I know, I know. It's grease in the floors. That's when you know not to eat there. Sometimes you walk into fast food restaurants and the common area is slippery. You're just sliding around. No, y'all, I got something. You got to ice skate over to the counter. I got something to tell y'all. So this makes me, I haven't, I really haven't eaten at this restaurant since I heard this. So Whataburger. Don't tell me. I like Whataburger. Don't tell me the story. No, no, no, you already know the story. So Whataburger. My brother used to work there when he was 16. Oh, this is a funny story.
story. He's got a lot. We should have him on just to talk about his water burger stories. Listen, my brother worked at water burger when he was 16, right? Pretty much like two weeks after he quits working water burger.
They got security footage because this homeless lady had went into the women's restroom. I don't even know if she was homeless. She might have just been vibing. No, this homeless lady had gone into the women's restroom, opened up the tile ceiling, and was living on top of the Whataburger above the kitchen. In the attic. No, not the attic. It was just the ceiling. In the drop ceiling. Yeah. And so then...
Then she falls through the ceiling, barely misses the stove, barely misses a worker. It was like rush hour. - And she barely missed the, dude, it was one of those huge stoves. They were flipping burgers in the video or something.
And she just falls. She falls through. And, like, the security camera footage got leaked because someone. No, but nobody's ever. Like, it's not viral. It's not viral, but it should be. It should be. I'm going to see if I can get it and throw it up on the screen. Please. If we get that video, it's going to go viral. It's so funny. But it's, like, I literally was, like, imagine, like.
Like someone's living on top of Whataburger while they're flipping. But like all these underpaid, like 16 year olds are just barely getting by. And the lady almost crushes them. Imagine you're in a drive-thru line waiting on your food. It's taking forever. And I'm like, sorry, a lady fell through our ceiling. And Whataburger already. I'm like, how high are you right now?
I fell through the ceiling. No, Whataburger already takes an excruciating amount of time to get your food. I'm pretty sure. I can't imagine being in a drive-thru line in that day when she fell through. I've said this joke before, but I'm pretty sure you have to fail a drug test to work at Whataburger. Dude. That's so fast. It takes like nine years to get my food there. I want some Whataburger. I pull in the parking lot. I see one car through the drive-thru in front of me. I'm like, nah, I'm good. You literally don't have time. Yeah. It doesn't matter if there's one car.
or like 15 cars, like you are guaranteed to be in that drive-thru line at least 45 minutes. 45 minutes is the minimum. And I don't understand how they do it because Chick-fil-A is like a minimum of 45 seconds. Yeah, literally. And theirs will be around the drive, around their building and around Whataburger and they win. Yeah, no, like Whataburger and it,
I don't understand because it didn't used to be like this. Like it started happening when I was like 15. Well then the homeless lady fell through the ceiling. Yeah, I guess the homeless lady falling through the ceiling was just the downfall of Whataburger. The funny thing is every time me and my mom go to Whataburger, it, okay, so there's this one worker and he, he's, okay, so he like foams of the mouth
What? He foams like white stuff. I'm not going to make any jokes. Wait, I'm confused. What do you mean he foams? He foams out of his mouth and like gets it on her fries. Oh, I know a guy like that. No, he gets it on the fries? Oh, so he's just spitting on your fries. No, I knew it. No, he has rabies, I think. What? No, I don't think he has rabies. I don't think he's got rabies. No, I knew a guy like that too. What? No, I'm not thinking about it. I know. The spit would just collect in his mouth. No, but it's like white and foamy. Yes. And it
And he literally like, he was like guaranteed to spit every four words. It was like, I'm like, he's, I'm like, okay, no, mine is like one word, but like, he's really,
He's really sweet. Every single word, there's a launch of spit that hits the prize. I'm like, hi. And he's like, what else can I get you? And I'm like, all of it's already here. And he's like, oh, well. And I was like, I feel so bad for him, though, because he's just trying to get by. But he has. Spitting in everyone's food. Spitting everywhere. You guys want to know my worst fast food experience? I pretty much have stopped eating fast food, I'm not going to lie. Tell the story, and then we're going to have to end the pod, because we're already at like 35 minutes. Wait, what? Do you know what the story is? I assume you're telling the Taco Bell story.
Oh, I have two. With the murderers. Stop. Which one should I tell? Are we legally allowed to talk about that? Yeah, we are. Okay, I'll tell that one. I'll tell that one. I was going to say the original one, but I'll tell this one. So me and Kate and her brother –
So me, Kate, and her brother named Michael are like, let's go to Taco Bell. And this is the day that Kate gets her license. I was freshly 16. Just got my driver's license. Just got her license that day. And we're like, all right, let's go to Taco Bell. It's like 1 a.m. I'm whipping. We're like, hey, Kate, you drive. Just got your license. Let's go. We go to Taco Bell.
Pull in the drive-thru. Everything's normal. We pull out of the drive-thru, get our food, and somehow the guys in front of us pulled out at the same time, so they got their food, we got our food, and we're going down the street, and it's like...
It's a street. It's like a 40-mile-an-hour speed limit maybe. So we're going like 40 miles an hour. They roll down their window, and they got their hand out like this. Handing us a taco. With the burrito in their hand. I was driving. My brother was in passenger. Cass was in passenger. A very weird situation. Like, what do you do there? And you know those 1 a.m. Taco Bell runs? Yeah. And your head's leaned against the window. You're in the back seat, and you're just looking like this, right? And you're just sad. And then suddenly a guy's handing you a burrito. Yeah, and you're just sad because it's 1 a.m., and you should be in bed, and you've got to wake up the next morning.
and I'm just eating my nacho fries and I see a burrito float by me and I was like, hey, yo. God, is that you? Yeah. And I was like, here's a burrito. And they were like, oh, do you want it? And I was like,
I mean, I'm full, but I'll take it. So I run out the window and our hands are like meeting. I grabbed the burrito. We're going like 50 miles an hour down the road. Oh my gosh. Everything works perfectly. It was like an angelical moment. It was beautiful. Yeah, it was great. Everything worked perfectly. Like perfect handoff. We had this burrito and I was like, guys, I'm actually full. Do you guys want it? Kate and Michael are like, no, we don't want it. And I was like, okay, I guess we'll hand it back to them. So we're going 40 mile an hour again. We pull up beside them.
And now my hand's out of the car. He's like, hey, is your burrito back? They probably think I did something to it. And we can't get close enough because Kate's trying to get us close. That guy who's driving that car. I know Kate was freaking out. Oh, yeah, dude. She just got her license. And Kate's like, guys, and I'm like, get closer. Get closer.
We're on a windy road so I was constantly having to like turn and then turn and then turn because it was just like turns. We can't get close enough and our hands are like I'm talking like maybe eight nine inches a foot probably foot. Yeah, our hands are like a foot apart and for some reason I just thought oh I'll just toss him the burrito, but I forget we're going like 40 mile an hour and I toss him the burrito and it goes
Boom! Right in this man's face. And it splatters all in his car and just all over his face. And it was like a nice new Ford Fusion. And just burrito everywhere exploded. Yeah, burrito exploded. Yeah, they were probably 20 years old and they get...
I mean from their POV I was like those chimichangas bro It was so it was stuff like it was like a lot of stuff Yeah, you know that song that I went by for the chimichimichanga chimichimichimichanga and then the burrito flew The burrito flew out of my hand just like that but I threw it it didn't fly I threw that And so these guys think that cash is the burrito They thought they handed me a taco did a nice deed and in return I was like hey
I want this taco and I threw it back at them. Right? They took offense to that because you threw a taco at them. I see why they were mad. I get it. I would be mad too if I handed someone a taco and they threw it in my face in return. And so they're like yelling at us. They're like, pull over right now. They're like cussing us out. I'm like stressing. Kate's freaking out. And they get behind us and they start following us.
And so I'm like, well, I can't go home now. Yeah, we're like, we were almost to our house. I'm like, well, we can't. How long did they follow you? Literally, like, they were not stopping. I drove around for, like, probably, like, 10, 15 minutes, and they were still following me. So I was like, okay. They were ready to get you. No, we literally drove around. We made, like, freaking eight right-hand turns. They're like, you're going to pay for this taco you threw at us. Yeah, and they were not letting up. And we were like...
Dude, it's because it's just me, Michael, and Kate. Yeah, and we don't know how many people are in their car. We don't know how many people are in this car. There could be six people in there. Yeah. Like ready to jump us. I was like, Michael, bro, there could be six guys in here, and there's two of us. And we're like, dang. What am I? Just a sliver? And Kate. And Michael was like, oh, dude, what are we doing? Dude, I was like, dude, I don't know. We're going to run out of gas eventually if we just keep going in a circle. And he was like, you know what?
My friend's at a house party right now because they were in high school at the time. He's like, my friend's at a house party.
And he's like, I'll call him, and we'll roll up to the house party and have all the guys come outside. Yeah. Just in case there's, like, six of them. Smart move. Yeah, so we roll up to the house party. All Michael's buddy, like, freaking, like, I don't know, the whole football team comes out. There was, like, nine guys that come out. They were pretty beefy, too. Yeah, dude. One of them was, like, 6'5", bro. He's beefy. I was like, all right, we chill now. Now I'm confident. Because I'm like, if we get in a fight, I don't even get a fight. I'll just manage the fight. I'll be like, hey, you get him. You get him. Hey.
And I'll be like the announcer. You'll be like Joe Rogan over there. I will be Joe Rogan. Oh, my God. He's out. He's out of the cold. And they're like, if my guy got beat up, I'll send another one in. They're all inside the house. And so I'm chilling. They get out, and they were surprisingly confident too. And I was like, oh, no, is there six of them? But only two of them hop out. And I was like, whew. And luckily they were very small guys. And I was like, all right, all right.
We're chilling. But they're very confident, too. They're, like, yelling at me. Wait, wait, wait. They're, like... No, you're forgetting. There was a cop that pulled up on us. That's after. No. So, they get mad. They come out. They're yelling at us. Blah, blah, blah. And, like, the huge guy that was, like, 6'5", 300 pounds, he was, like, all right, everyone calm down, calm down. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And...
They're like, you two talk about me. I was like, I understand. That's what it looks like. That's what it appears to be from your perspective. The guy still has, like, lettuce in his hair. I was like, I just handed it to you. You just missed. Wayne took it, you know? And he was like, look at the inside of our car. And wow. I did not know a burrito could make that big of a mess. It was, like, everywhere. And he was like, I just bought this car two months ago.
And I was like, oh, that's not good. Maybe you should get a refund. But burrito sauce everywhere. Lettuce, cheese, all over the car. And he's like, all right, just clean our car and we'll call it good. Call it good? What did he want? I'll say that part. But I was like, he was like, clean our car and we'll call it good. And I was like, dude, I'm not about to be caught cleaning another man's car. Like, dude, no way. I'm not your, I'm not doing that. No way I'm about to do this. Yeah. But,
Forgot to mention this part when I threw the taco at him he retaliated in like half a second and threw his taco He was eating In reaction he threw his taco at me and it kind of got in our car a little bit not Near what he got in his car, but he got in our car and got all over the side of our car And I was like fine
If we're going to clean your car, you got to clean our car. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, yeah. So we each pull out our Windex, you know, and we start going, we are cleaning each other's cars. And we're each like, yeah, we got him good. He's cleaning my car. I'm cleaning his car. And actually, I was like, Kate, can you clean his car? Because I can't do that, man. And I was just like, Kate was cleaning it when he walked over. And he's like,
He was like, why is she cleaning it? He was mad that Cash wasn't cleaning the car. He was mad because I just made him clean our car. And in return, I just had my girlfriend cleaning his car. And he was like, why are you cleaning it? He wanted me to clean it. And the 6'5 guy was like, do you want your car cleaned or not, dude? And he's like, fine. And then he stood there. And then the worst thing happened. He's looking at me, and he's like...
you look familiar and i was like no and he was like i swear i've seen you on tick tock before i was like no no he pulls up a picture of me or he pulls up my tick tock account here's the whole thing and he's like
this has got to be you. And I was like, he showed the video that you posted earlier that day in the same clothes. And I switched shirts, but I had the same necklace on. He's like, this has got to be you, man. And I was like, no, no. And he's like, that's crazy. Y'all. And it was like a one of a kind necklace. Pretty unique necklace. And he was like, that's crazy. Y'all look so much alike. And he just put his phone back in his pocket. And I was like, this guy that dumb, like, bro, look at the necklace. Hello. And he, he didn't believe it. He, I told him no, and he believed me. And,
And he just went with it. Yeah. And that's the story. What were you going to say? No, no, no. I was going to say. No, no, no. There's more to the story. No, no, no. There's more. Oh, I forgot the. She wants to tell it now. I'm going to tell it because I was the one who experienced this. Anyways, so as our cars are being cleaned in exchange, a cop rolls up because he had been called. It's like 2 a.m. at this point.
He had been called in on, like, car break-ins in this neighborhood. So he sees all of this commotion outside of a house, and he, like, pulls up. And these guys, like, sprint to him, like, wanting to talk to him first. And I was like, what, are they going to tattle on me for throwing a taco? So we were like, what in the world? So by the time I get up to the police car, the cops are already like, all right, all right, y'all have a good night. Y'all be safe.
And then he drove off. And I was like, what did this guy say to him to just get a cop to go, all right, see y'all. When there was like 20 guys standing out. Yeah, I don't know what he said. So then we go about the night. The guys at the party actually give these guys a beer to make. That scared me. To like even it out to make sure. Can you talk slower? Jeez. Sorry. Like Eminem over here. So they give him a drink to, you know, make it even. Everyone's fine and dandy. We go home.
We had actually started small talk with these guys, and we were like, where are y'all from? At this point, we were chill with them. Now we're all just talking about it a good time. And we were like, well, where are y'all from? And they were like, oh, I mean, we're just kind of like moving. And we were like, what? And they were like, we're just kind of like on the run. And then I was like, well, where are you from? And they were like, we're on the run from Chicago. And we were like... Okay, they didn't say run. Yeah? No, they didn't say run. They said, we're from Chicago. And we were like, what are you doing down here? And they were like, oh, just...
Hanging out. They were weird about it. They were weird about it. We knew something was off. The next morning, I wake up and I check Twitter. There was two men that were on the run from Chicago. For murder. For shooting. Yeah. And they matched the description perfectly. The exact description. The guys were pretty much built kind of like me and Matt, like the same height. Same tattoos. And they described the guys perfectly. And I was like,
Bro, I threw a taco at some murderers. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool if you ask me. We were like, holy crap. Like, imagine if we would have gotten shot and then. And I was like, shot? I would have just dodged it through another. We don't smoke those tacos.
Matt's got burrito in his eyes like, oh my gosh. Yeah, so that's the story. I wasn't going to my nacho fries. Yeah, I had hot sauce on me. That's crazy. No, I know. That was like scary. Imagine if there was hot sauce in the burrito. Oh my gosh, he got it in his eyes. He was so mad. Imagine how mad. No, like we probably are so, but now I'm, I was like, but then it made sense. I was like, he sprinted to the cop and said something to him to make him like,
Yeah, I don't know what he said, but he wanted to make sure the cop did not investigate people because obviously he's on the run for murder. I wonder if he's still on the run. Well, I saw him. Yeah, we actually saw him. I guess he's hanging around this area. I saw him like three months later, both of them, and they were at Walmart at the coin machine dumping a bunch of coins in the machine to get the money back. And I was like, that's interesting. They're living on the edge. They saw us.
Remember? Because we saw them in the store and we walked out and we're pulling out of Walmart and they walk out of Walmart as we're driving away. Yeah. And they stared us down. They stared us down so hard. We were still in the car.
the car they're checking to make sure you don't have any tacos yeah no i completely ignored him i just ate my taco and winked at him as i walked out i was like see y'all later but yeah that's my story about how i threw taco at some murderers yeah wow like it's crazy i'm still low-key kind of scared of what would happen if michael's buddies wasn't throwing a party no no like i think we would have been in danger i was like it would have been probably a fight so we're uh shooting i mean obviously i win those obviously i win those we just really were not sure like how many guys were in the car
Yeah. Like there could have been like eight guys packed in a Ford Fusion. 100%. A 2019 Ford Fusion. Don't tell them that. It was a big truck. It was a scary vehicle. It was a very scary vehicle. All right, guys. Thank you so much for watching this episode of LOL Podcast. Thank you so much. We'll see you guys next time. Peace out.