Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
- Today we're gonna be talking about sneaking out of the house. Let's get started. - What the heck was that?
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AdSense from the intro. Please, can we not do this? No, we're not. We'll be fine. But let me say something. I should tase Harper because she tased me in an episode.
- That was really bad. - You tased me as revenge for that, which made no sense. - You really wanna be that guy who tases a 14 year old? - That's why I'm not doing it, but I wish I, oh, Malvin's here. - I will. - Oh, okay, Malvin, I'll spin that. All right, let's talk about sneaking out. - No, give it to me, give it to me. - I'm sick to my stomach right now. - Oh, Kate, your phone flew across the room. - No, Malvin, I can't, when you have a taser, you don't give it to anyone else. - Thanks, man, I'm not going to. - Give me, give me. - Number one rule of having a taser is you don't give it to anyone. - I'm not tasing you, give me. - No. - Please. - I'll give it to you in a minute. - No, give it to me now. - But first, we gotta talk about sneaking out. - Give it to me now. Come on, okay.
Okay, what do you what do you wow that was really look at her she's not even flinching touch it don't do that Why would you actually tase her like what he's gonna? I think he's actually gonna do it
Okay, okay, anyways guys. She's scared. So we're gonna be talking about sneaking out of the houses. My palms are sweaty. Can we get rid of the taser? Or your knees. Knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on the sweater already. Mom's spaghetti, he's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs. Look what you did. Yeah, guys, we're not talking about sneaking out. You might as well just click off.
Why would you tell people to click off? - Scare me. - All right, no, let's talk about the stories. I think it's only right for Kate to open up with the first story. Since Kate definitely snuck out the most out of all of us. - I'm literally still shaking. Like I need to recover. - What? What is that? - Like feel my palms. - I need to recover. - Feel my palms. - Oh my gosh, her palms are sweaty. - Like drip drenched right now. - All right, Kate, come on. Tell us one of your big bad stories. - My big bad stories.
If you taste me, I promise you I'll actually just pick you up by your head and just throw you across the room. He was like, I want to say mean things when she's 14, so I'll just pick you up by your head. I'll just pick you up by your head and hold you there. You know how people do with the little babies? They just hold them by the head like this. You can pick her up by her head? I can easily pick Harper up by her head. Do it and die.
Do it and die. Can you please tell one of your stories? She was telling them before the pod started. Say it. How about the one where you said you stole a car? Do it and die. That was multiple times. There's multiple times you stole a car? Why are y'all whispering over there? Yes. Do it. That is so funny. Can we please talk about sneaking out of the house? They're whispering over there now. Here's the thing.
We were good children and we would never sneak out. Oh. You two heathens, on the other hand. Maverick, you just had to hide your girlfriend. What? Oh yeah, how about we talk about that? What? How about we talk about that? I would never hide someone in the house. No, no, no, no, no. Outside the house, in the car. I hid girls everywhere. Maverick, instead of sneaking out, he always snuck in. Sneaking people in the house. Yeah. Tell them about the infamous story. I'm not going to them. They can come to me.
me all right tell tell me no famous one listen i did stupid things as a kid all right no you were like bro a kid you were like okay you were 18 or 19 17 18 but you were dating dating dude but you were not 18 most of the bad things i did was with the first girlfriend yeah like like sneaking around and stuff that was first one and that was definitely not okay and i'm not condoning it at all this is what not to do
Yeah, but tell us about the good one. You know, the one where you snuck in and then got caught. Oh, yeah. I'll start the story off really well. Yeah, please. Okay. Start it off in the beginning. Okay, in the beginning. In the beginning, my parents go to Canada to see Niagara Falls.
We're supposed to stay in. First of all, I don't know who goes to Canada to see water, but... We're supposed to stay in the house. All right? Cash is like 16, 17. I'm like 18. And what happens? Cash gets a little text from some little girls. Listen, I was just... Up about two hours away. I was just... That's actually... He's completely false. What? You are completely false already. Oh, my gosh. This just proves that. It was like an hour and a half. You remember nothing. I did not get a text from any girls. Okay, but why'd you go? I was at the state fair.
And then I met people there. Okay, whatever. He ended up an hour and a half away from home. And he was with these chicks. I was with dudes, too. I was just hanging out with people. They were probably chicks. And then... Okay, anyways. So my parents see his location, and they're like, Cash is at home. So they're blowing up Cash's phone trying to get a hold of him. They're like, something fishy is going on. So then they call me.
And I'm like, uh-oh. And they're like, is Cash there? And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's home for sure. He's definitely not out. He's home, obviously. It's late at night. Where else would he be? I'm not going to go wake him up, Dad. But he's here. This was bad. And they're like...
put him on the phone i'm like no no no no he's he's knocked out cold he's sleeping and i like put him on the phone he's going through the bathroom i can't i can't hear you hold on let me call you back hang up i get cash i'm like cash i call cash i'm like you gotta figure something out he's like okay there's another phone there just just hold both the phones and and put me on speaker and they'll they'll think i'm home dude why don't we merge the calls can i fart to rest
and get a lighter so then we see if it blows up. You know the lighter and you put it above your fart and then you fart and then it blows up? Harper, don't you think I've already tried that? It doesn't work. No, it does. I've done it. No, it doesn't. I've tried it. It does not work. You have an animated mind, Harper. Or else I'd be doing it all the time. Trust me. I don't know why we didn't merge the calls but we just put my tablet or something next to Matt's phone and I was like, hey, mom, dad, what's up?
They're like, you home? I'm like, oh yeah, I'm right here. I'm home. And then after about two seconds, they go...
No, you're not. We know you're not home. You're lying to us. And we're like, no, no. He's like, I know y'all are pulling tricks on me. You're not home. We stuck with our story. Oh, yeah. We were like, dad, you guys are losing it. You're losing it, dad. You're going crazy. You're overthinking this. Like, he's home. We were not backing up on our story. And then... We'll get you help, dad. Like, it's okay. I have a crazy sneak out story. We ended up getting caught because apparently, before they left town...
They put up a camera on each one of our doorways of the house. And they told Maverick. They said, hey, we're putting up these cameras. I never listened to anything. And they didn't even put them up because they thought we would sneak out. They put them up just for security stuff. And they told Maverick. And Maverick forgot. He forgets everything. And then what happens is Maverick... No, we're on the phone call. And they go, okay, well, we're going to check the cameras. And me and you are both like...
That's funny. Me and you are both like, cameras? Wait, what cameras? That's not what happened. Yeah. And then they checked the cameras. No. You have a horrible memory, bro. Maybe you forgot there were cameras. You forgot your... First of all, I didn't know there was... You forgot your whole part of the story. I'm getting to that part. That part's after. So then...
After they're mad at cash, they go and check the camera. This is a lot. No, please let me tell you don't remember. They checked the cameras. How do you think they found out? Please let me tell it, man. You don't remember the story. You didn't. I don't remember. They never told us. It's possible I don't remember. My memory is not very good around that time. He didn't even remember there was cameras there. I blacked out most of those years of my life. What happened was they were like, cash is not home. We know that.
And then they saw Maverick sneak his girlfriend into the house through those cameras. But they never told us that the cameras were there yet. Yes, Maverick. Listen. Just listen to me. Hear me out. And then they sent someone to go over. They didn't tell us. But they sent someone to come over and look for Maverick's girlfriend in the house. But Maverick already hit her outside. And he hit her pretty good. Yeah, I have the craziest like sinking out story. Because the guy was looking outside and he never found her. And then, you know what happened, Maverick?
She went and stayed the night in the car or whatever because you did not know there was cameras. Cash.
I found out there was cameras the same time you did. When you got in trouble, not in trouble, but they knew you weren't home, they were like, we're going to go check the cameras and see if Cash is home. When they check to see if you're home, they see on the camera me sneaking a girl in the house. Yeah. Anyways, it was a horrible night. Horrible night. Both of us got caught. Pretty sure I slept in a car. I don't even remember what happened. Both of us got caught doing complete opposite things.
My mom was crying because we broke her trust. Dad wasn't happy either. Yeah. You know it's bad when your parents are crying because you disappointed them and not because they're mad.
That's when you know you really messed up. You could be wrong. But me personally, I liked that better because then I wasn't getting the spanking. You know what I mean? Yeah, they were like, Maverick, we're just so disappointed. You couldn't even remember there was cameras? You couldn't even snuck out the window like your dad dumb son? Okay, guys, I have a good story. Yeah, let's hear it. So basically, when I was 13 last year, it was like in March, right?
That's crazy are you or a loved one a homie because if so come be homie sexual with them Hey, go check out that little broke up podcast right now. Lol bros. Check it out link in the description
It's just crazy that you were like willing to talk about stories a year later. And with your mom sitting right there. Yeah, like you could not have dragged some of my stories out of me, even now. But let's hear it. The green paper's not getting dragged out until I'm 18. But what happened was, it's mostly because I made a promise, but anyways, what happened was I was very tired that one night and my friend was like, Harper, please, can we please sneak out? I really want to sneak out. And I was like, what for? She wanted to meet a guy. And I was like,
No, I'm not. I don't want to do that. So you don't want to meet guys? No, because I was just a little small bean. Oh, do you know how like disturbing it is when you do that? Like it makes everyone uncomfortable. I don't. I don't get it. Oh, I thought it made me uncomfortable. Yeah, I like it. It's really just actually entertaining. Yeah. Nope. I'm just a small bean. All right. Sorry.
I got the craziest picture of Cash. No. Oh, no. Just please tell the story. No one wants to see the picture. I want to see the picture. No one wants to see the picture. What's going on? Oh, my gosh. Throw it over here.
Yeah, yeah. I wear a robe. That's it. No, that's not a Texas to me. No, Kate swore I needed to get a robe. She swore up and down I needed to get a robe, so she went out and bought me a robe, and then I put it on, and then she trolls me about it. No, it was more just the fact that you're... It's more the fact that what?
Because you're the one that insisted I needed a robe. All right, guys. Moving on. Let me have my story time. Yeah, so you're at your friend's house. I was going to airplay it to the TV, but I went ahead and messaged Joe. He's going to. Yeah, so basically, are you going to throw it or? It's a cool phone case. Got a little chain. Got some Cuban links.
All right. Go ahead, Harper. Anyway, so my friend was like, yeah, Harper, let's sneak out. And I was like, why? And she's like, I want to meet a guy because we're dating. And I was like, who are you dating? She was like, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no way. So we talked about that for like an hour and a half or something. And then you were like, it's that guy. We have to sneak out. Yeah, no, no. So then we're going out of my window. So we go to my sister's room. She has this shower window. And it's super small. I would say it's like...
Like that. You can sneak through. It's like the TV right there, how big that is, except for a little more narrower. So we sneak through that, go on the roof, jump off the roof. This is a second floor escape? No, yeah, we jump onto the trash can to get off the floor. This is like parkour. Oh, thanks, man. I don't want to see how long y'all were going to just let it go without him noticing. Appreciate it. Oh, my gosh.
So glad that's there. You keep going. Second floor. Yeah, basically. So we jump under the trash cans and my friend breaks it. Oh, no. My dad, he like probably heard us. And so we walk like a mile over to the shops, which is like the shops of where we live. In the middle of the night?
You walked there? In the middle of the night. That's kind of far. I know. It was super far. We were on scooters, though. Oh. And so... So you didn't walk? Well, we double-rided. So I was the driver, and I was still not on board with this. I was like, no, like, we can't do this. So...
We end up also bringing toilet paper with us just in case we wanted toilet paper. So we brought it in a dumpster house. Just in case we possibly decided to toilet paper someone's house. So basically... We brought nothing besides toilet paper just in case we saw a house that needed toilet paper. This is when things get crazy. So...
It's like 1:00 a.m. Once we get to the shops and we're freezing because it's like the middle of winter and we're so cold and my mom already knows about this but so we get there and the guy is not coming and we're like he probably just like stood us off like we stood us up like it's fine, but I
Then he comes and this weird looking black van like not like a van but like a minivan and he's like sorry that was like that was my plug or whatever. No. We were like no. He was like we were like what's a plug. And then he was like my dealer. And I was like
And then my friend was like, oh, yeah, that's fine. And then you got his Pokemon cards from the man? Yeah, no. So, basically, she goes off with the guy. I sit in the cold. By yourself? Yeah, by myself. She leaves me. She goes. She goes away, far away. I don't know where. So, she's with the guy for like an hour, two hours. I'm just sitting there at
3 a.m. This time it's like 3 a.m., 2 a.m., 2.30, and I'm freezing. I'm sitting on one of those chairs. My phone's about to die. I don't know what to do. I'm like, has my mom found out yet? Like, she hasn't called me or anything, so it's good. And that's before we got any cameras or anything, so I was like, we're fine. So...
basically i at or oh my gosh i almost said her name so my friend um so my friend what was her name i'm not saying no i'm proud of you no so my friend is like staying there she's like like she's been gone for like at least three hours at this point so i try to go find her and i can't find her and so i'm just like freaking out because i'm like do i have to go home because it's like
3 a.m. at night in the middle of the night a mile away from my house and my scooter is like barely charged so I'm just like freaking out. This was like probably the most scariest night of my life. So I see the black van pull up again and there's like... You already need a refill? No, no, no. So the black van pulls up again and he's like, yo, where's my homie at? And I was like, I don't know. So I... Well, I'm about to know just a 13-year-old boy driving his van. What are you talking about? Where's my homie at? This guy's old enough to drive and he's a
A dealer to a 13-year-old boy? No. This is not like... No, but wait. No, just wait. It's way worse. What movie are you telling us about? Because this isn't real. So he zooms away. He's like, yo, where's my homie at? And he zooms away because I'm like, I don't know. So he zooms away. How old was the dude in the van? Like 30-something. I don't even know. No, I'm just kidding.
No shot, Harper. No, I mean, so for real, he was at least 30. Yeah, she thought I was 32. Like 30 to 20. She's trying to be nice. It was me in the van. It was a senior. No, but yeah, probably like a junior or something like 18, 19, 20. So he zooms away. Little do I know, he just wraps back around. We're learning expresses. He goes back around. He zooms back. There's a cat in the middle of the, or not a cat. It's a squirrel. He runs over it.
And I... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that the... To be fair, squirrels are suicidal sometimes. They just run in front of your car and they're like... I saw a squirrel die straight in front of my face. Like, I saw the car coming. I saw the squirrel ran over. You know what a squirrel did to Alex one time? What?
It ran out in front of the car and he literally posed. He looked at the car and went and flexed at the car. No way. And flexed its muscles and went. And then he got hit. But he went out confident. He was strong and mighty. No. No.
I'm sorry. That's funny, bro. So, yeah, the car zooms by, hits a squirrel, and I'm like, no way. So I want to call my mom and my dad. It's supposed to be his, like, brother. No, I want to call... He's like, I'll get revenge on the car! Bro, no. No, but, like, I want to call my mom and my dad, but I can't because, like, they're asleep and I'm not getting caught. And they're probably not going to let me hang out with friends after this. So...
it's like 4 a.m at this point and like the sunlight i can already see it it's not actually but like i i thought like i was imagining things at this point because i was sitting you know in those chairs yeah yeah i was sitting on one of those for five three hours like four hours so like 45 minutes yeah no no four hours and then finally i go on my scooter right home without your friend my friend's home my friend's at the house at your house at my house how'd she get there with the guy
- Black man. - Inside, inside. She's at home with the guy inside. - At your house? - At my house in my room. - And you were just waiting far away? - No, and I was just waiting. And I say, "Get out, get out." So my mom, she hears me screaming at her. So my mom comes upstairs and she's like, "What's going on?" And then she's like,
She's like, who is this guy at 4 a.m. in our house? And my mom, like, Mom, what were you feeling? Homie's just sitting there like... Yeah. Mom, like, what were you like? She's not mic'd up, so she... Yeah. No, yeah. She's very upset. My mom was so mad. Like, she was like, get out of my house.
Your mom was so happy you made friends. And then my mom was like, get out. Get out of the house. So I wish I kept the ring doorbell footage. Or no, not the ring doorbell because we didn't have cameras back then. And then your mom walks outside of the black van. She's like, what's up, homie?
Yo, where's my bae? No, but what's it called? So she charges him outside and she's like, walk home. I'm not giving you a ride home. Like, go. And then she kicks my friend out too. Wait, wait. Did they get there by a black van? What? Did they get there by the black van? Probably. Probably. Because he was zooming around. That's actually a good plan, honestly. No, yeah, honestly. Because I kept seeing him zoom around. But yeah, so basically, so now that friend doesn't hang out with me anymore. And yeah.
Also, that was a fake story. What the? The whole story was fake? I knew you were making up as you went. The whole story was fake? That's crazy. Wait, but why was that one low-key believable? Because she's good. Because that was the only time she didn't say, like... And then Superman came, and... Are y'all disappointed that that was fake? I knew it was fake. Because it was a good story. Your mom had to tell me, though. That whole story was fake? Yeah. Yeah.
That's crazy. At least it took. I don't want to do this. This is like supposed to be like fun.
it's not fun now harvard that was good honestly yeah i knew the black band part was suspicious where's my plug like what no okay well that similar happened thing to read but it was crazy because like loki i could see your friend being back at the house yeah with the black band it all came together at the end for me because i just made it up as i went wow no okay well now that we're done lying for this episode katie
I got a couple. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah, just pick one of many, Kate. Yeah. Okay, I'll pick the one where I... Okay, I took my parents' car a lot. Stole.
I didn't have permission and I didn't have a license. She took GTA to a new level. Y'all boys playing GTA at home on an Xbox? It was a Mazda CX-9. Calm down. What type of a car? It doesn't matter. Don't worry, officer. It was a Mazda. Never mind. You're all good. No, okay, but my friend and I...
We like took, I didn't have a license and like my parents, you know, would go to work during the day, during the summer. Yeah. Most parents go to work during the summer. Yeah. And so I went to her house and picked her up middle of the day. I went to her house and I picked her up and we drove like 30 minutes away to the, um, we don't have a beach near us. How old are you?
15. I might have had a permit. Maybe. Oh, Kate was taking her car so young. I was driving at 14 without a license or a permit. You would take the car at 14? Yeah. And I would like... That's confidence. I would have never done that. I would not have done that. Never. Never. At 14. You steal the car?
I was driving a 14. I went stealing it though. Yeah. Mom! You scratched that thing. Can I? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. At least let me practice in the driveway. I got in so much trouble. Actually? No, you didn't. And I... You didn't get in trouble, Kate. You never got caught. Wait, did you get caught? Um...
For stealing the car? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Continue telling Harper about your story about how to steal a car and not get caught. Not that Harper needs to know this. No. Wait, do your parents know now? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Are you in trouble? Harper, sit down. You got to put the mic on. I think my dad kind of realized because when you take a car and you drive 30 minutes away and 30 minutes back,
the gas is not where he left it at, you know? So it's like, obviously someone was driving this car and it wasn't me. - You didn't at least fill it up after you stole it?
That's crazy. That's actually, first of all, do most people that steal cars fill them back up before they retire? Yeah, that's not polite to just leave the car on E. Yeah. And second of all, very stupid way to get caught. I didn't think about that. I did not think about how the gas thing would like go down. You can tell I was not actually a driver. Anyway, so yeah, my friend and I, I was 15 at that time. But yeah, we just went and we hung out at like the lake with like the beach and stuff. Remember where we used to wakeboard during the summer? Yeah. I drove all the way down there.
And did what? We just hung out. Is this the vibe? Did some swimming. You're not sitting on the ground, Kate. Am I supposed to? Yeah. I'm always on the ground. Because apparently, y'all obviously know, I switch chairs every two episodes.
Somehow my chairs are always like six inches tall, which I don't understand right now. I'm sitting on a mini mouse chair. Um, I don't know why I don't ever get like adult size chairs, but I just don't. Yeah. Tell your story. So yeah, we, we never really got like caught then. Um,
I mean maybe my dad realized, I don't remember honestly it was a long time ago but there was one time oh we're really going Joe what cash? oh sorry sorry huh? like what? oh no! no my gosh! did he just? that was crazy he just farted on cash no way wow Joe just farted right in my face over there no I didn't that's revenge for everything you've done I mean yeah that was like right in my face I'm talking it was here
No way. Oh, I can spell it. I can spell it. Tell your story, Kate. Okay, well, I have a different one. I can tell now that that one's finished. That was the end? Yeah, we took the car and then we drove back. And I don't remember if my dad realized. I honestly don't remember what happened after that. Harper's singing house story was way better. Oh, well, there was another time that was a lot better. But this one didn't involve a car. This one, I snuck a guy into my house that wasn't cash. What the? You knew about that. What?
You knew about that. Dang. Okay, I'll tell you guys that after, but... Oh, was that... Wait. That's tough. Oh, was that the one that wanted to kiss you, but you didn't kiss him? Yeah.
It was tough for him. Man, I had such a funny joke. Oh, I wish I could say it. No, um... But yeah, there was this... When Cash was, like, ghosting me, there was... Should I stop talking? That strikes fear into my heart every time. She keeps touching her phone to me like this. I know, me too. And my thing, it's the taser. I know. Um...
So, during the time period when Cash would, like, stop talking to me all the time and stuff... I was, like, 15, guys. Just remember. Yeah. I mean, I obviously had to have a distraction for when he decided to... Now I'm stressed. Where's the taser? Joe has it. Joe has it. Okay. Um...
Am I good to keep talking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I feel like everyone's just like. No, no, no. You talk. Sorry. Your story. It's losing me. No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. And then I. So I. You know. So I snuck in there. Per se. I snuck out. Sounds like Bobby Altaf. Okay. Well, do you think maybe the viewers like for a change not having someone yell in their ears? No, I don't. I think they enjoy yelling. Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Joey, you've been hanging around your baby too much. That looked like a baby face when he did the cry. Okay, moving on. So pretty much when Cash would ghost me, I had a guy on speed dial. Speed dial? This was a regular thing? Yeah. I actually feel bad for this poor guy. And it's really good he got a girlfriend and he was able to not have me. Because I was doing exactly to him what Cash was doing to me.
Pretty much. And it was bad. But anyways, yeah, this one night, me and him were just snapping. I want to say this joke so bad. Okay, well, if it's not appropriate, don't say it. Moving on. We might can bleep out just one word of it. Oh my gosh. How did you get that? Joe, you gave it to her.
Who gave her the taser, man? I have no clue. All right, sorry. We keep interrupting, bro. My life goal is to finish one story on this podcast. Somebody to finish one story without being interrupted. Never happened. Anyways, so we've been stopping one night. You came up with a story about a squirrel.
That was a real story. I'm like your story and then you Okay, we're all liars. That was actually a funny story. It's growing muscles. Okay. No, no, no, no. The squirrel story was real. That was a real story. He challenged the car. No, he did. He ran out. He went. He said to the death. And then he got hit. It's like this right here. Car always went up. Wrecked. Like this. More like this.
Okay, did you have a story? Yeah, sorry, Kate. What was your story? Hold on, pause. Before we finish that, do we want Tarta to finish the story? Like, does anyone want Tarta to finish the story? I forgot how it started if I'm being honest. No, no, sweetheart. Listen.
I wanna listen, I do. - Okay, I won't finish it. Y'all were the ones who told me to give a sneak out story. - It's just so slow. - I'll give a better sneak out story than that. - It's just so, make it up if you need. - Because y'all keep interrupting me. If y'all would not interrupt me and let me finish my story. - Okay, you know what? You are right. You're right here. - It takes so long 'cause y'all all interrupt me. - I'm with you. - So shut your mouth for two seconds. - What the? Whoa, I was backing you. I was being nice, but guess that's how my wife talks to me. - Shut your mouth.
Can I speak? Yeah, go ahead. Do you guys want me to finish the story? Because it seems like nobody wants me to. No, no, finish it. Harper, get off your phone.
- Why are you literally on a TikTok live stream right now? - I'm not. - Yeah, you are. All right, go Kate. - Am I that boring? - No, no, no, no, no, no, you're not. - No, I'm being so serious. - I'm sure we have a lot of viewers right now, go. - No, I'm being serious. If y'all don't think I should tell the story, I won't tell the story. - No, no, sweetheart. We want you to tell the story. - No, I'm being serious. I don't wanna bore everybody. - Guys, wait, guys, we're not taking it hard feelings. - I'm not taking that one for the team. - I literally, if y'all tell me not to tell my stories. - No, no, no, no, no, we do. - That's a big ask, bud. - Just tell the story so we can move on at least.
Well, there's no point in me telling the story if nobody wants to hear it. Please tell the story. Oh my gosh. You screwed it up again. I'm asking you to tell it. Please just tell it. I want to hear it. I'll tell the story. I'm all ears. Today? No, no, no, no, no. Just tell it. I'm all ears. I'm not telling it if nobody wants me to. No, just go. This is the perfect time for me to tell my story. Okay.
Fine. So anyways, we've been snapping and we were going to hang out, but it was the middle of night. So I was like, meet me at my neighborhood pool and we'll hang out there. And so we hung out at like the neighborhood pool for a couple hours. And he was like, OK, I should probably get back home. And it was probably like 5 a.m. And he was like, nope, can't. My mom's boyfriend or whatever is going to be good is going to be like leaving for work by the time I get back. So I can't.
Um, he'll see me like me sneaking in and I won't be able to go. And I was like, okay, well I'm ready for bed, so I'm going to go home. And then I was like, crap, I can't just leave him here at my neighborhood pool. So I was like, fine, you can come back to my house until your mom's boyfriend goes to work. And yeah, he just like, we just went up to my room and waited until the mom's boyfriend went to work. And then I, it came time for me to sneak him out. And by that time my mom was up getting ready for work. So yeah.
Yeah it was how to sneak him out So you really stayed up all night I did I'm so glad she finished the story I thought there was going to be a good part Y'all literally told me to tell a sneak out story So I told you a sneak out story There's no point in telling a sneak out story That really got me Wow I told y'all I said I won't tell the story if y'all don't want me to And y'all said finish your story And I said no That's fair It's totally fair I hope that was audible
I'm so confused. Joe got my stash. You're farting in the mic. This episode is a fever dream. I want to wake up! I want to wake up! Harper's is tricking us. All right, Matt. What were you going to say? Harper, I'm going to take your phone forever, bro. You copied Kate's. Before I start my story, I have to go get my phone.
Harpers phone gotta go over there. Hey! Oh, Matt will have to go get his phone now guys. He's leaving, like what? Hey Kate, you got a story? Oh my gosh. But Harper's leaving now too. Stop, she's getting a taser. Hey that's my camera! She's getting a taser. Okay, so. She got the taser. Yeah, it's not very fun is it? Okay, so. This morning, I get up and I actually beat Cash to the gym for the first time ever.
You didn't beat me to the gym. I just didn't get to go. Yeah, he didn't go because he didn't know I did. Whatever. For whatever. Yeah, okay. What the? Anyways. Yeah. Cash doesn't go to the gym. I come home. I'm like, hey, you know, I got to take my car to the shop this Tuesday. Do you guys think you guys could like pick me up from church Tuesday night?
Kate says, of course we can pick you up from church. We'll just all go to church together. It's a nighttime church, remember? Yeah, it's like 7 o'clock at night. She goes, and then we'll all just ride back together. I'm like, okay, cool. She goes, Cash, is that okay? Cash said, why did you need your phone for this? You said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know right now. Don't ask me questions. I don't think so. Probably not. Then Kate goes, well, I want to go. And he goes, well, we're not going.
She says, well, I'm going. That is not how this happened. None of this happened like this. And then Cash said, you're not going. All this for that? And then a big old fight broke out. None of this happened. They were brawling in the living room. He is literally making this up. No, I'm not. No, no, no. Cash told his wife she can't go to church. That's what he did. Matt, your volume's down, man. At least make the joke hit.
That's what he did. Oh my. He said, no, back in the kitchen where you're not going to church. Make me breakfast. Matt has a whip app on his phone that he wants you guys to see. That's what all that story was for. About 10% of that was the community stuff. That's what he kept doing. He was like, back in the kitchen. About 10% of that story was messed up. 10% of that story was true. Yeah. But y'all got the gist of it. There's no way he downloaded it.
You know what he did? He was like, Cash, you gotta download this whip app. You gotta download it. And then when you tell someone to do something, you can whip them. And I was like, I'm good, Matt. And he was like, Kate, you gotta download it. You gotta download this whip app. Imagine you told your mom something and you were like... No, there's no... I don't like that harp. I don't like it either. It looks like a zombie. Yeah, it looks like something like... I still like it. I like crackling noises like a zombie. It bothers me. Like a...
I don't even want to say what it looks like. I don't like it. Yeah. Stop, Harper. That's not good. I don't really like all you guys on the ground, too. This is kind of my thing, guys. Wake up. Harper. It seems like
Some days, I love having a podcast. Dude, listen. Other days. Here's the thing. The truth is, we have a liar. They didn't really get into that big of a fight. It was a small fight, but I couldn't walk away because I wanted to hear how it ended. And it wasn't... You can say it wasn't a fight, but then you said something and Cash... Wait. Yeah. What were you going to say? Me? Yeah. Oh, I was just going to insult all you guys, but I won't do that. I'll go first. All right. I was actually going to insult you. Oh.
Listen. Sorry. What else happened today? I don't freaking know. After that, there was another problem. There was not another problem. Yes, there was another problem. Okay, guys. I'm so sorry y'all have to listen to a podcast where that half of the room just makes up stories and they're totally not true. But I really don't know what's better. Making up stories that are kind of entertaining or just stories that are not entertaining at all. Hey, she's getting subs, dude. You need to chill out. I'm getting subs? No. No, because I...
I mean it's substitute, but I just feel like... But me, I have a total story. So I didn't make up one, and mine wasn't boring. So my story was the best. What was your story? I didn't say one. Oh.
You just farted. I heard that. No, she just farted. I literally heard that. It was literally... No, okay, don't even try. Kate's gonna fight to the end of the world if she not just fart what she did. I literally dragged my lip balm across the carpet in between my legs. No, that's not what went across the carpet. You just, you know, something else. Dragged something across the carpet in between her legs. A wind just blew across the carpet. No, no, I definitely... That would be unannoying. I think you just vacuumed the whole carpet. If the squirrel stayed over there, the squirrel definitely fell down.
Every time you say that, it's just like a buff body. He said the muscles were popping out on it. Some squirrels are jacked, man. They are. They're one of the jackest animals in the world besides apes.
I don't know about that. I think you're making stuff up now. No, if you look, apes, pit bulls, squirrels. Brooke called me an ape. Apes, pit bulls, squirrels? As far as like muscles go, when you look at an animal and you see muscles, it's apes, pit bulls, squirrels. Bro, have you seen the kangaroo? Oh, yeah, the kangaroo. Kangaroo. Ape, pit bull, squirrel, kangaroo. Kangaroo is pretty jacked. What about a gorilla? That's an ape, bro. Mm-hmm.
You could have just said a monkey. A gorilla is an ape? All monkeys are apes. All monkeys are apes? Is a gorilla a monkey? I don't even know if a gorilla is a monkey. Wait, apes is the species, right? That's what you told me when we were watching Planet of the Apes. My favorite movie. She probably just made that up to sound smart.
Because I said, is an orangutan a monkey? No. And then you were like, apes are all monkeys are apes. All monkeys are apes. Yes. What the what? I can't because I have a tail does not mean I'm a monkey. Is this made of skin? Huh? Is it made of skin? Is what your tail? What is this noise? It's Kate farting, bro.
Like I said before. No, she's trying to... No, dude, every time she farts in life ever, she always comes up with something. The chair. Oh, it's my makeup. Oh, it's nice. I literally dragged it across the carpet on this side, and Joe said, dang, what is that noise? And I said, oh, it was this. Now, why haven't I ever asked you if you fart ever anytime I hear a fart noise? I tell you I fart all the time, guys. It could just be me and you alone in a room, and I hear...
Or all of us last night. - That is not true! - And I'm like, or what? - Or all of us last night when we were down there. - Yeah, last night Kate farted with all of us in the room. - That was not me! - She died on a couch. - That was not him! - It was not me. I tell you, I was upstairs. - I always tell you when I fart every single time. I'll literally put the microphone up like this. - I literally tell you when I fart. - You might tell me everyone's fault, but you would never tell everyone else. - I think she got shy. I think it was you.
Yes, because why would they not tell us? Yo, Joe, I'm going to send you this video. Harper, your phone is literally going crazy.
Matt, what's the video, man? This video is the freaking squirrel that Alex hit. Guys, we got to wrap this podcast up. No, we don't. I'm over this. Why do you guys... Guys, I want y'all to know, I'm the only one that never wants the podcast to end. I'm just over this. Matt's always over there like, Tom, Tom, what's the time? No, Kate's always over there half asleep. It's called management, bro. And Harper's always over there scrolling on her phone. But we took it away this time. Listen, I sent Joe a video. I don't know... And guess what I'm doing next?
Harper what does that mean you're gonna explode because I don't think you know what hypocritical means first of all it's all but you can leave if you want because I feel like her was about to lose her mind I feel like she might need to leave stop doing that Harper no I like it go harder no that's like oh no what is she doing
Okay, no, that's a taser. Harper please tase him. Just please just full send it and tase him. You tase me and watch what happens. Tase him, Harper. I will tase you. Tase him. Your mom will give me permission. Wait guys, test my acting skills. What? Harper, stand right here and do it. They can't see you. She wants to test her acting skills. Alright, let's see. Dude, what is this bug? Don't. Don't what? Don't.
Don't what? You got close to my hand. I don't like that. Wait, that's a fun game we can play. Guess the acting skill. We all got to... You guys have to... You got to tell me like a scenario I got to act like. Oh, I got you. I'll act it out. Like, you know those... What's those things? Okay. Wait, what's those games? You're a squirrel about to get hit by a car. Wait. No, wait. What's those... Improv. Improv. Okay. Can't act scared. Nailed it. Nailed it. Harper acts scared.
Harper's cold-blooded. You're not very good at this game. She is, bro. She has no fear. Because she knows I'm not going to tase her. No fear because God is here. Will you let Cash tase you? No. Can I tase you? Yeah.
Okay. You'll be fine. No, I'm joking. I'm just joking. God, you do a sweatshirt. She's starting to get stressed. You do a sweatshirt. You do a sweatshirt. Do a sweatshirt. All right. Let's do improv. No, no, no. We're not doing improv. Listen, I'd rather just tell stories. Can we tell more stories? No, no, no. Do improv, Mav. Mav, act like... Act like... Oh, I got it. Act like...
Oh, wait. Hold on. Give me a good one. If you're going to give me one, it better be a good one. I would genuinely scare you if you make me cry or anything. Okay, you got to act like your boat is sinking, your lifeboat. Okay? Okay? And it's a small lifeboat. It only holds like four or five people. But it's just you and one other dude on it. Okay. And in order for the boat to not sink, only one of you got to jump in the water. Ice cold water. You'll die. Okay.
I have full water. One of us will die. Yeah, so kind of like a Jack and Mary moment. Okay, which one do you want to be? Jack and Mary? What? Jack and Rose. Are you in the scenario with me? Jack and Rose. Kind of like a Jack and Rose moment. Are you in the scenario with me? You're on the boat meeting you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you guys are on a boat, okay? Okay. You guys are on a boat next to us, but you're both perfectly fine, but it can only hold two people. Okay. Cool. Listen. All right, ready, guys? Yeah. All right, here we go.
It's improv so you gotta act like we were actually in the scenario. I guess I'll jump off, you're pregnant, okay. Yeah. Okay, alright, alright, go Matt. Two people got it. Listen, one of us, this boat's not gonna hold us much longer bro, one of us is gonna have to get in the water. You're smiling. I volunteer! Good, okay. Cause I was worried that if I jumped off you'd still be too fat for the boat and it might still sink. No, I volunteer as tribute. Okay, good. Oh, why? That's good. Like what?
That's a jump scare by himself. That literally is Donald Trump. That looks nothing like Trump. No, that is Donald Trump. What do you mean? That is not Donald Trump. Harper looks more like Donald Trump right now than that thing. Trump doesn't have dreads. Dude, why is the nose and everything like that? It literally looks like a monkey. Like, that's a monkey face. Oh my gosh.
Let me try it on. Oh my gosh, that hair's even worse. Wait, no, no. Todd? Todd? How is that Trump? That's not even Trump's hair. That's like One Direction hair. What are you talking about? Okay. You, uh, you don't like Russia. Look, look, look.
Get that out of here. Get that out of here, bro. Get that out of here. I'm not about that. I'm not about that. I'm telling you, that is nothing like him. I literally see that in my nightmares. Wake up. Impersonate. Wait, wait. Go to the mic. Go to the mic and impersonate him. Okay.
Alright, say something Trump. Hey, speaking of presidents. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, Bradzer, say something Trump would say. I want to hear it. We're going to win. No, no, you got to impersonate it. You got to say it like the voice. We're going to win. What? I can't breathe. You can't breathe? No. Listen. So, speaking of presidents, since we're talking about presidents. I can't breathe in it.
I got an argument the other day. One of my friends. If you had to pick one influencer to run for president, who would you pick? Myself. I'm not saying that. That might have been the easiest question ever. You heard what she said. Believe what Kate said. Gotta bleep that out. Kate's getting bleeped, guys. You know that?
What you just said was crazy. Oh my gosh. Can we nominate people? Wait, Joe. You got to bleep that. Yeah, I am. I heard it. Okay. I don't know. No way. Now we have to cut slash bleep something that Kate said too.
- I'm the only one that has never had to been cut/bleeped. - We've definitely cut or bleeped Cash, right? - I've never been cut or bleeped. Not even one time on this call. - I'm pretty sure I've literally heard you say, "Hey, bleep this." And you say stuff. - Well, no. Well, okay, maybe if I did it on purpose, but. - Okay, that one's trippy. Kanye. - Oh, it's Kanye. - Kanye, get down. - Hey, a pound. - Kanye, life is, choose life, Kanye. - A right quick payback. - You gotta say that in the mic. - Yeah, you gotta say that in the mic. Now it's not funny 'cause now we're gonna hear it twice.
I want good payback. You know, apparently North... Her name is Northwest. Northwest. I love it. Apparently Northwest watches our podcast. We don't know if she watches it. Now she feels at home. Well, she was singing Harper's song too. So we know she watches Harper. What do you mean? Northwest, you're watching this podcast. Come have a seat. Northwest, you're invited. She's always...
Your mom. Whoa. Well, and your dad. You said what? Your mom and your dad. And we can all have a big intervention. Somebody else put this on.
No. Would y'all rather have Kanye or Kim on the pod? Both. Same time. Biggest interview of all time. No, no, no. If you had to have one, Kanye or Kim? Kanye. I'm fine with either. Kanye. Kanye? Let's take a vote. And then they'll be on the pod because I'll just reach out and invite them. Kanye. Okay.
I'll just DM them and they'll probably be here in an instant. Kanye. I feel like you have to vote Mr. Beast for president. No, dude. Kanye or Kim? We got one Kanye. All tied up. What do you got, Kate? Kim or Kanye? Come on, Kate. Just spit one out. Come on. You got this.
Probably Kanye. Okay. I don't know. That was really quiet. Two Kanye's, one Kim. What about you? I don't know. Yeah, Kim. Oh, it's tied up. I can choose? Kim. I'm going Kim. Really? No, I don't even give a vote. I'm going to vote. All right, fine. Then you are the voter. And I'll be the next voter. Who are you going to say? I'll be the voter, too, because I'm a different person. Probably Kanye, because I feel like he's more unhinged.
But I guess we have Kanye here already So I don't know if we need to have him again Barbara would you wear that if we had Kim on? Yes I'd definitely wear that if we had Kanye on What if we had Donald Trump on? We could do that
Y'all just reach out. If he wants to come on, I mean, we'll have him on. Anyone on. Any president ever, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Trump, anybody want to come on? I'm down. Imagine a president on the LOL pod. Well, I'm not going to call out any names, but one of them may fall asleep during the podcast. Yeah, that would be the best clip of all time. I would love to have Biden on, and if he fell asleep, Harper starts drawing a mustache on him. Hey, no, but guys, some of these
Carver puts the Trump mask on. He waits out next to her. He's like, ah! Somebody try that Trump mask on because you can't breathe in it. No, no, no. Wow, Harper, you really sold me on that. Now I want to try the Trump mask on so I can't breathe. Joey, we've got to be at like an hour. Yeah, I'm out. Let's cut the episode here. I can't smell anything, guys. Peace out, bro. Shotgun.