Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
What is that box that has birthday candles in it? My birthday is coming up, guys. And that is why I brought a present for you. How'd you get me? You crushed my present, Cash. Yeah, it's fine. Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon.
Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Guys, I'm not going to be part of the podcast soon. I'm sorry. Harper's leaving. I feel like that's something you should tell us, like, not while we're filming, though. Yeah, always. Okay. Oh, that's not. It's more of a guy kind of thing to hold, you know?
She can't hold a basketball. Excuse you? What? You think Kenzie's better at basketball than me? Maybe softball.
I would hope you're better at softball. Kate, that ruins the whole thing. You think you could bat better than me? You think you could bat better than me? She thinks she can bat better than me. Okay. All right, we're starting. We're in big conversation. Kate goes, can we start the episode? We were already starting. I never know because Cash is looking at his phone and usually Cash stresses whenever we start talking and he's still looking at his phone. Cash.
Just in case you're wondering because you're already watching we're starting the episode is started Yeah What the no no I don't want to be control what Oh
Hey, I'm glad you were wearing the headphones like a good producer. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Wait, is our audio good? Okay, okay. Our audio should be good now. Hello, hello? You genuinely think you could bat better than me? I could. Wait, is the episode started? There's no shot you could bat better than me. My hand-eye coordination is un-bat. Wait, bat like a baseball bat? How do you hold the bat? With my hands. Use that water bottle and show me how you would hold a bat.
- All right, all right, you're wrong. Kate, please tell us. - Oh, you can make fun of my technique all day, but let me tell you, not ball going to outer space. - When they golf, they got the goofiest form ever. - Yeah, but who actually hits the ball? Who wins on the long drive? - I'm just saying, y'all have the goofiest form. - Yeah, but who gets the ball in the hole?
Me. No. What? You're telling me that you're better at golf than Cash? No, I didn't say that. I said he doesn't get the ball in the hole. Well, Maverick, you can't talk because you're the worst at golf. We should go to a batting cage. A batting cage? Oh, my goodness. I'm going to put you girls to shame after years of practice. Me and Cash are going to bat it so good. Bat it. Yeah, we're going to bat that thing. Bat it. You mean hit it? That was crazy. Huh? Wow, guys. I've never seen Harper look so uninterested. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.
I've had a bad day at school. I can tell. Yeah, what happened? Harper, I'm so sorry. If I tell y'all about it... Stop! That's a form of bullying. What?
I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing either. No. Okay. If I heard, like, if I said it, then, like, I would get bashed at school once again. I'm so sorry. It's fine. You don't deserve that. I don't even care anymore. Well, you can tell us about your day after if you want. Wait. I've had a bad day, too. He has had a bad day. I don't care. Mine was worse. Okay. Well, okay. Nobody cares about my bad day. How about we count our blessings? How about we do that instead? There was no blessings in my day today. Well, you know. It's hard to count your blessings. It's hard.
My mom bought me new socks. Blessing. That's nice. There's a blessing. Well, that was two days ago. Oh, never mind. That wasn't tonight then.
I had a bad day. No one asked. I didn't care. My day was worse. What made your day so bad? My friend blamed me on something that I didn't do. Is that true? It sounds like that person is not your friend. Well, I called her my best friend. I had a bad day. Oh, I'm sorry. It's fine. Cash, no one asked. We're talking about Harper's bad day. Yeah, I'm sorry. Harper. You don't got a mic. Did your friend...
Like, intend to throw you under the bus? Um, pretty much, yeah. So she just threw you under there, no regard for your health. Next topic. My mom told me to stop. Okay. Anyways, guys. I would ask about Cash's bad day, but we don't care. Anybody else have a bad day they'd like to share about? Okay, yeah. I'm kidding. I did not have a bad day. Cash, what happened to your day? My day was good. What happened? I had a good day. Well, what happened? Tell us about your good day. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
That was weird. Cash and I did wake up and switch positions. I literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Yeah, I was on Cash's side of the bed and he was on my side of the bed. We don't know how that happened. I don't know how it happened. What? I sleep on the right, she sleeps on the left. But I woke up on the left and she woke up on the right. No, I sleep on the right and you sleep on the left. Actually... That sounds horrible. Yeah. He woke up on the wrong side. I did. That's it? That was it? No, no, no.
I actually had a bad day because the entire day I've been shedding and nobody around here seems to care. I too care. So I'm going to make all y'all care about me right now. I do care. Because I don't get enough attention around here. No. Okay. I care. And I want attention. I keep finding Cash's skin all over my house. Oh no. Harper, look at this. I thought you were talking about your hair. Oh. Yeah.
okay it's just yeah it's going everywhere that's really bad go that way it's snowing dandruff i don't like skin dandruff oh i had a bad day too now i gotta clean that up that's disgusting do you see your skin on the floor uh yeah i told you i was shedding i just it's coming out of your shirt it's like a snake yeah it's just falling out of your shirt oh my goodness is it that time in the month bro what the yeah did you know when girls are
- Cash, are you PMSing? Is that what you're doing? - What? - When girls are on their period, their face is shed. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - What? - Your face does not shed. - Yes it does, if you look it up. - I'm not falling for that one. - And he's just skin rejuvenating, it's part of the body's healing process. - That's not true.
You think that's true? What? I'm not falling for that. What are y'all talking about? It's like a face mask almost. It like sheds off. That's not true. Dude, don't believe that. Wait, why do you think that girl started doing the thing with like the little razor to like get all the dead skin cells off? Yeah. No. You guys can't really think they're going to prank us right now. That's crazy. Unprankable. Look, skin shedding. I'm looking it up. Yeah, go ahead. They're so like...
You don't shed your face, bro. No, we don't shed our face. Our skin peels. You guys like snakes. Yes. Like cash. What cash has is on your face. Yeah, my back itches bad. But usually you can get it off pretty quickly. See, like, look. When you finish your makeup, only to realize your monthly shedding started. That's fake. Fake. It's not fake. And then... Look, yeah. Mom, yes it is. Thank you. Thank you. Mom, you're ruining it.
That's Kate. Every time I try to say a joke, or I try to say a prank, like I say something trying to get someone to believe it, and Kate's like, that's not true. He never did that. I'm like, thanks, Kate. Thank you for that. I'm like, I wasn't trying to prank you. Because she thinks you're stupid. She's like, Cash, what are you, stupid? No, that never happened. I'll be like, one time, me and Kate, we were in Europe, and she'd be like, Cash, me and you never went to Europe. And I'm like,
Thanks. I forgot that we never went to Europe. I don't know if you remember. You've gone to Europe and I haven't.
So I don't know if you're like confusing me with another girl you met in Europe. No, I've been thinking long and hard about my new YouTube channel. Oh, really? Yeah, and I'm thinking about having a big desk in my upstairs room. It's like a free room, and it's a big desk with two chairs, and I can have guests on whenever, you know, and we're going to do our makeup while talking to the camera about something, and it will be like a new trend where I'm like, yeah, like, like, it's kind of like...
It's kind of like a makeup podcast, but not really a podcast, but we're doing makeup, you know? I think that would do really well. So, makeup YouTube video. No, makeup podcast talking with people doing our makeup. So, yes. Like a get ready with me. Yeah, like a get ready with me, but like we're talking about stuff. No, that's crazy. I never heard of that. That's wild. No, no, no. Like, it's... Like, I don't know. It'll do so much better than the podcast, though, and I feel like... No, what the...
Hey, Maverick had an amazing Guys, can y'all please go subscribe to me on Harper's Elmer? I'm almost passing him on followers. You're trying to pass us? Pass me to the podcast? We'll pass Cash and Mav. You're part of the podcast, Harper. Cash and Mav at like 2.5 mil. I'm not going to be part of the podcast. It's at 3 mil. It's at 3.1. Guys, I'm not going to be part of the podcast and I'm sorry. Harper's leaving.
I didn't know that. I feel like that's something you should tell us, like, not while we're filming, though. Like, that's something you should have told us, like, off camera. Well, now we got our thumbnail. I've had a bad day, and I just don't want to. Let's top it off. You just want to quit the podcast altogether. Are you going to quit for the whole week? No, the years to come. Because you had a bad day? Because I had a bad day. You had a bad day.
Maverick actually... I'm going to say thanks a lot, then bleep it, and then act like I said something. Thanks a lot! It wasn't bleep. Whatever you wanted to happen, I don't think happened. Maverick actually had a great idea for your YouTube channel. What? Tell her. Wait, what was it? Remember the judge thing?
The courtroom? Oh, yes. I think you should do a YouTube video or even a series of basically Judge Harper. I would.
- You know Judge Judy? - Yes. - Yeah, you're basically Judge Judy and people come in with relationship problems or like things and you are the judge. - And it's set up like a courtroom. - And you-- - You can use your desk in your upstairs room. - I don't have the time or money for that. - You sentence them to detention or whatever and I think it would be super entertaining. - Yeah, and like you can send like mean people to prison. - And you gotta listen to their stories, listen to them plead their case and then you gotta judge 'em. - I mean, yeah, that's a cool idea.
You gotta ask him questions. I feel like if anybody else said it and not Maverick, she'd be like, that's a great idea. But since it came from Maverick, she's like... I'll definitely keep it in the thinking box. Harper, would you have a different thought process, though, if I share that with you? I mean, yes, but you're Kate. He's Mav. Anyways. I think you're a basketball. So that joke has been fired. A silent basketball. What? Okay, so... Shh.
That's so awkward. Shh. That's so awkward. Anytime I say anything, you just go, that's so awkward. Nothing's awkward except you. I'm not awkward. Do we have tape for her mouth? Why would we do that? Get some. No.
That's a form of abuse. She's been coming at me since this episode started. Like five times. She had a bad day, Maverick. Just let her take it out on me. This is your safe space, Harper. Let it all out on the podcast. I actually get excited to come here. Just to bully me? No, no, no. I get excited to come. Oh, sorry. I get excited to come here because y'all are my only form of friendship.
That's why you don't hang out with us. That's awkward. Guys, we invited her to pickleball the other day and she so seriously said, I actually have homework I have to do. I saw on your story you were there until like 10, 41 or something like that. We stayed until 11. I would have been asleep. That's awkward. Oh, you're awkward. That's awkward. Wow, the beef is real today. Now they have a mediator, Kinsey. Yeah. I feel like I should have a different chair. Yeah. Yeah.
No, you're in the fire zone. I'm just a little mad today. That's all. Yeah, I'm just gonna say today feels really off. Why? That's awkward. That's awkward. Why? Is it because like Gerald's not talking to you today? Are y'all fighting? We are, but that's not why it feels off. Okay. Today just feels off. Why? Why? I don't know. Does it not feel off to you guys? Yeah, it actually does. I've had the worst day ever.
Yeah, you said that. No, like, y'all don't understand. We talked about that. No, no, we do. No, we actually talked about it. What would make it better, Harper? I'm going to power off in a minute. What would make it better? Well, I'll be right back. Oh, well, what would make it better is probably just some... Like ice cream? Ice cream makes my day better. We should go get ice cream after this. Yeah. Would you get ice cream after this? We are getting ice cream after this. Well, not ice cream. We're going to Bahama Bucks. Oh. What? Would you?
Let me guess, that's awkward. That's kind of awkward. We should do an episode with the boys' mouths shut. We should. And only the girls talk. And see what happens. No, but you guys. They would lose it. I don't think the podcast would survive.
I'll be honest. I think you guys would be bored without us. That's a little rude. I highly disagree, personally. I think we can carry conversations just fine. I honestly kind of agree, but at the same time, I don't. Hey, let's not forget when we did a who's your favorite host poll. Well, yeah. Because Cash is the villain of the show, and he takes that role on himself very well. What's in the box? Uh-oh. Speaking of villains. What is it? Is that your chair? Did you forget your chair at the start? I forgot my chair today. Is that why it fell off?
Is that why this episode fell off? Yeah, I forgot that I didn't have a chair.
I want y'all to know that I'm the favorite host on this podcast and y'all can not argue. Kate's coming up on you. I'm falling through my chair, guys. Y'all can't argue with that. The Instagram poll said it. Wait, what? Yeah, they said that she's the favorite host. We're talking about the favorite host. Couple more percent. Are you okay? I'm having a bad day. And you know what will make it even worse? You falling into a basket because you're so heavy. What? That would make her day worse.
I think your poll just dropped. Yeah. If people realize how mean you are, maybe they'd vote me up a little higher. I'm not rude. No, you and Kate were each like 30, 40% or something. Then me and Mal were like six. That's what we were saying. We were like, we should do an episode where like y'all don't talk. And Mal was like, it wouldn't survive. And I was just like, friendly reminder. They have to have someone to hate. What's a good superhero movie without the villain?
It's just a superhero. You know what's a good superhero? You're saying we're the villains? Yo, you're definitely the villain. What the? I'm not a villain. Honestly, the villain? Yeah, you are. What the? What the? What the shigma? Okay. First of all, I didn't say it like that. I'm not here for funny business no more. Funny business? What are you on here for? I'm on here to talk about... Yeah, we...
We are not your therapist, first of all. That brings us to today's sponsor, BetterHelp. Nope, it doesn't. You know, the funny thing is, I actually did it right before this, and I'm not even joking. With BetterHelp? No. About your bad day? Actually, yes, BetterHelp helped me find the therapist. Yeah, but I literally have had the worst day in the world. I literally just need to get my nails done. Don't look at them. Oh, no.
Let me look at her. Can we see them? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's see the nails. Just let us see. You should see my nails on the last thumbnail that they did. On the last thumbnail? Oh, the thumbnail guy did her dirty. Oh, that's why you sent the message. Can we make her hands look less manly? Oh, my. Yeah, the thumbnail guy sent us a thumbnail, and her hand looks like freaking Dwayne the Rock Johnson hand. And we were like, oh, well, Kenzie's been working out. It's crazy. Not my hand, guys.
guys and also if you zoom into that picture i have a pinky nail and no other nails on any other finger so it's pretty great no that's what happened with my um thumbnail on my get ready me video my hair was like it was probably my normal hair but i just look sus whoa
And I copied, I accidentally copied Salish's thumbnail. Is that your mic, the oil that you were talking about? The oil? You don't hear that squeaking? I heard a squeaking. I heard a squeak. Oh, it's gone. It's probably Cash. Once again. My stomach's rumbling. Probably I'm farting. I'm hungry. You know what? Like recently, I just feel like I just need to. I feel like you should get up, Cash. Me? Yeah. What is that?
that has birthday candles on it. My birthday is coming up, guys. June 23rd. Wish me a happy birthday. And that is why I brought a present for you. Open the box. You got me a present? I did. Sit down. Sit down. You got me a present? Yeah, here you go. What'd you get me? Open your present. Oh, it's ripping. You crushed my present. You crushed my present, Cash. Yeah, it's fine. Oh, my gosh. Shut up. Shut up. No. Did you know about this?
Happy birthday! Thank you!
Are you excited? I'm so excited. Kate, how do you feel? I'm so excited. I can't believe I caved and actually got you a dog. I can't believe you did that.
It's just like you. Look at it trying to nap already. It has to be a setup. Me and this doggy are going to be besties. Are you kidding me? No way you actually got a dog. That's so fake. It's so fake. Yeah, it's a fake dog. I mean, it looks like a real dog. Casso is actually so sweet of you. It's an AI dog. I know. You were beautiful. You guys have no clue how hard it was to keep the dog not seen. Alexis has been babysitting the dog this whole time. Oh, my gosh. I love her. Wait, is it a girl or a boy? Something seems fishy. It's a girl. Oh, I love her.
- What should we name her? - Wait, I think it's a girl. - Oh, can we, I got a name. I got a name. - Huh? - Let's name her Cinderella. - Okay, so. - Cinderella. - How about Brownie? - She has a blue collar. - Yeah, this is Cinderella. - It's a girl? - Yeah. - How about Slenderman? - I think it's a girl. Wait, hold it up, let me see. - You think? - Slenderman.
It is a girl. That ain't no girl. Cinderella. Actually, I kind of have a dumb question, maybe. What? Oh, my baby. Y'all aren't going to make fun of me, right? It's a serious question. I believe. Okay. There are no dumb questions on this podcast unless you're Maverick. Oh, my God.
okay it sounds acceptable yeah okay wait no so when puppies are like cats or an animal like that isn't their mom's stomach do they have an umbilical cord uh like 10 umbilical cords uh they gotta get twisted up and harper's mom is saying yes i trust that question no question no my baby because i think she has a belly button when kate lifted her up i swear really what look at her stomach
Wait, Matt, we had a dog that got pregnant and gave birth. We should know this. What the shit, Matt?
Yeah, it does. Did it have umbilical cords? Yeah, it's got an umbilical cord. What? How do you know? Were you standing there when it gave birth? Yeah, it has umbilical cords. She's so sweet. She's so cool. Is that Axel's dog? Because Cash hates dogs. Is it real? Yeah, I know. Is it real? Is that their actual dog? Cash would get the laziest dog ever. Look at this dog. It hasn't done anything. Wait, how old is the dog? It's like 10 weeks, I think. That's crazy. No way.
No, it was my doggy. I just want to eat it. So you're not getting anywhere near Cinderella. She's kind of smelly. You're Cinder-smella right now. Cinder-you'll-be-Cinderella. There's no way that you got a dog, Cash. Guys, you have no clue how hard it was to actually keep a puppy hidden. It's very hard. I feel like Kate would want a small white dog like Estes.
- No, I think she would, but Kate would like a lazy dog better. And these are like the lazy, look at it. - Look, it's a puppy. And this is how she's acting. - Cinderella, come here. - Put it on the ground, put it on the ground. Wait, let it walk around. - Okay, Cinderella, I'm gonna put you down, but you can come back up here when you're done showing off your talents.
Wow. Nobody's serious. This is starting to feel cruel. It looks like a... When did you get her? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. It's so sad looking. Guys, look at this. It looks like a grandpa. It looks like a grandpa. Guys, it's so sad looking. It's so wrinkly. It looks like a grandpa. Be careful with her. Oh, poor baby. Matt.
What? Cinderella is not masculine. That's a beefy girl. You have a big dog. She's got so much extra skin. Yeah, guys, look at this skin. Guys, this dog is perfect for me. Why? Because it's got extra skin? No, because it looks so sad. It's sad like me. It's sad just like me. The name for Kate is Eeyore. No, that's not a new name. They've been calling me Eeyore for the last three years, and it's annoying.
Yeah, but I never you were actually you can't tell me this dog is not your look at it y'all Hey, you're holding by the throat I think I need a new dog for Stella. Nope Guys something something smells fishy. Hey guys, I do have a confession. I knew it what I
I have a big confession. What is it this time? My confession is to no one but Jesus Christ. Okay, so go ahead and say it. No, my confession is that dog is my friend's and he just asked me to babysit it for the day. April fools! It's May. May fools! Wait, this isn't our doggy?
No, that was a really rude thing to do to your girl. Well, I wasn't going to do it. I was got her all excited. No, I wasn't going to do it. And worst husband award goes to cashmaker. Listen, I wasn't going to do the prank, but I have an even better gift plan for your birthday. So I was like, like the gift for your birthday compared to this. Better than a puppy. Better than a puppy. Are you pregnant? Wait,
I have a question. Wait, you're being so serious. This isn't our dog. No. You're not messing with me now? No. We're not keeping this dog. We're not keeping the dog. Thank you, Jesus. What? What? What? Oh, you are so precious, but I can't commit to a dog right now. No, the thing is, it's just so ugly. What? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You say every day how you want a dog. I do.
Smellerella, I'm sorry they don't want you. No, I do. And if this dog was ours, I'd be so happy. But first of all, she's chewing on my mic cord. Problem number one, exhibit A of why we can't have a dog right now. No, I just like, is she even potty trained? Smellerella? No. Wait, so what's the dog's real name? She calls her Smellerella. I don't know. I didn't ask the name. Let me see. Tank. Tank.
That's what I call dogs. Every time I don't know a dog name, I call it Tank. We know. Remember last episode? Oh. She's like, how did you know that? No, okay. I forgot. Dang. If this dog was... Smellerella? Smellerella? I forgot you were here for that. Smellerella is stressing me out with this. No, I thought...
If this dog was ours, I'd be so hyped. Everybody forgets about me now. But I'm not too upset that we're not keeping it. Because I know that one day I will get a dog. No, I know you wouldn't be upset. That's the only reason I did it. And the only reason I did it is because I'm telling you, her birthday present is like ten times better than a puppy. So that puppy's going home? Well, the puppy has a home. Let me see smell her up. No, okay. I also have another confession. The puppy isn't exactly my friend's puppy.
Yeah, who's is it? Be careful. She has a long back, so you gotta support her. That puppy's almost as big as Harper. Whose puppy could it possibly be? So that puppy... It's not your friend's? No, but it is from somewhere.
Where could it be from? Petco. What? So I gotta return it after this, but don't worry. You got the receipt. I kept the receipt. I don't think it works like that. Petco don't even sell dogs, do they? You usually drop dogs through Petco. Yeah, they had a bunch of dogs in there, so I grabbed one. You grabbed one? Ew, it does sting. Yeah, they don't keep good care of their dogs. They're not gonna lie. Can I hold her?
You just had her. What do you mean? She's so cute. Her brain is like engraved. Imagine. That's so awkward. Like what in the world? What are you even saying? Her brain's engraved. And how is that awkward? If she's actually going back to Petco, then we're going to keep her. What? I'm not sending that baby back to Petco. No, obviously it's not from Petco, Kate. Wait, why are we just passing the dog back and forth? You just had the dog two seconds ago. This wasn't enough room for four. You are just too big. You took too much room. Just like...
What the? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. See? So fat, crush the box, and everything. That's the third time I've been called overweight on this podcast today. I've been fat three times on this podcast by three different people. Harper, Kenzie, and Kate. But if you called any of them women big, you're in trouble. No. You're very in trouble.
Wait, what kind of dog is this? Is it a wiener? A wiener dog? It's a wiener and a dosh hound. I think it's a dosh hound. I think it's a basset. It howls at you. Watch. Ready? Watch. It's a hound dog. It did it earlier today. I don't think so. No, it did. I promise. Wait, so whose dog is it? It's not Petco's? No, it's one of my friends. Is it a hound dog? Okay, cool. Ow!
You still got a home. I say you go into your revenge era. Okay. I say you get all three women back. You're fat, you're fat, you're fat. Wait, you want me to call all three of them fat or something? I think Maverick's trying to help you dig your grave. Maverick wants you to keep being the villain so that he looks less bad. Yeah, I'm done with this podcast. Yeah, I'm done with this podcast too. So is Cinderella. Look at her.
Hey, who would be, uh, who would be like your dream guest for a podcast? Dream guest in my podcast? Dream guest in my podcast? Shut up, bro. I was like, wait, did he just say that unironically? Wait, actually dream guest in my podcast? Yeah, who would be a dream guest in your podcast? Honestly, let's spice things up. Okay. Okay, I love Jojo. Um, no hate to you. Sorry. Wait, why have we never asked this?
Honestly, dream guests on my podcast Dude, I got mine Wait, I already know Kate's It's Young Sheldon Ian Armitage? Young Sheldon A boy? Yeah, are you kidding me? He plays Young Sheldon
Yeah. Out of everyone you can have. You need to understand, I think, Kate, he's acting. Did you know that? But no, I've seen clips of him in real life and he is so similar to Sheldon. He's so funny. Ian, there's always a spot for you on our podcast. There. See where that one's sitting? Yeah, you.
Who's your drink guest? Ian Hawk from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Oh, yeah. One time Ian Hawk farted and it created tsunami. It created a tornado. I feel like this is not true. One time Ian Hawk spit and it created the world's biggest tsunami, Hurricane Katrina.
One time Ian Hawks One time Harper was quiet I like that time Who's your dream guest? Dream guest on my podcast?
Whoa, you sounded just like JoJo. I did? Yeah. I don't think I did. No, no. It's like, dream guest on my podcast. Yeah, wait. Add the scratch. Dream guest on my podcast? No, it's like this. Dream guest on my podcast? No, Harper's the closest. Dream guest on my podcast? No, no. Harper sounds like the fake videos. Yeah, like the demo videos. Dream guest on my podcast.
Fine, I'll actually do it. Okay, okay. This could be controversial. I think dream guest might be Donald Trump. If we could get Donald Trump on an episode, that would be crazy. Or Biden. I'd love either one.
Or Kim Jong-un. Look at this dog. Oh, Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un is mine. That's mine. Hands down. Kim Jong-un. If I could have one human being on the podcast, it's Kim Jong-un. I think I'm allergic to this dog. He's like a unicorn. He is. Do you want me to take it away? No. Are you kidding me? She's like, I'll break out in hives. It's fine. It's fine, guys.
No, who's your actual dream? Like, realistic dream guest? I thought it was Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil would be a good one. Dude, why Dr. Phil? Why not Dr. Phil? Honestly, yeah. You don't like Dr. Phil? Dr. Phil could solve every issue we have on this podcast. I think he would be very beneficial. I think he'd bring a lot. I think another good one would be...
Yep, you only get one answer. Kenzie, your turn. Okay, fine. What? Okay. So I just started watching Avengers with Mav because I had never seen him before. And so I'm thinking Iron Man because he's really funny. Really? Oh, that's...
Y'all keep going for these people that are actors. You know Iron Man's not real. But he's funny and I just feel like in real life he's funny. Yeah, but you know like that's a script that someone wrote. No, I know. I think he adds his own little flair to it. Yeah. That's what my brain tells me. Who's your character? Jennifer Lawrence. What? Jennifer Lawrence would be amazing. What? She's the one who's like
Wait, what does she say? She's Katniss from whatever it's called. Yeah, we know who she is, but she's so funny in interviews. She's so funny. Or Jeff Props. Jeff Props. Mama, what's the guess? If we're having fake people, let's just have Captain Jack Sparrow. Hey, hey, hold on. Mama, who is Jeff? Oh, Captain Jack Sparrow would be crazy. Oh, Jeff Props is from Survivor, right, Mom? Yes. You want the host of Survivor?
Uh, yes. What? That is so random. I've always had a crush on Jeff Pro... What? On Jeff who? Jeff Pro? He's like a 50-year-old man. No, he's actually 61, I think. 61? He's shorter than me almost. He's like 5 foot. My mom told me one time when I was like 7. He's not 5 foot. Mom, how tall is he? I don't know. Let's see. He's probably pretty... Hey, one of my friends is like... She loves dads.
She doesn't want it. She doesn't want it. Don't word it like that ever again, please. No, that's what every time. She don't care about guys her age. She wants like the 50-year-old dads. 50 or like 30? 50.
She just want an older guy like 30 or she I think she'd take anything in between the ages of 30 and 60 That's kind of crazy. That's wild. It's crazy. So what is your celebrity crush? Nobody is Jeff? Profes do that is most random thing in the world. It's celebrity crushes Jeff. So you love survivor. Oh
I love it. Wait, he's the host of Survivor? The host dude. What in the world? I just realized who that was. I mean, nothing against you, Jeff. Can we pop up a picture of him just so all y'all can see him? I have nothing against Jeff. It's just crazy that the 15-year-old girl, like, that's her celebrity crush. That is an interesting choice. You know the only time Tomi that she saw Jeff on her cruise or something, moms?
At a hotel in Boston. Oh, you were jealous? I was like, oh my gosh. Oh, did you tell your mom, like, make sure he knows that she has a daughter? No, I wasn't alive. Oh. Oh. Isn't that crazy? Oh my gosh, it was that long ago? Right. When was it, Mom? She said, yes, you were. Dude, that's like six years ago. If you try to pull a string out of your mouth, you sing better. Like, ready? Oh my gosh. What? Yo, you know there was a string in your mouth, right? How did the conversation just flip like that? I don't know what happened. We weren't talking about Jeff. Oh my gosh.
Okay, now do it without pulling a string out of your mouth. Wow, that's a crazy trick. Cas, you try it. No. My dream guest is Eric Cartman. I heard Cartman. Cartman, we don't want to die. Cartman, we don't want you to die. Cartman, give life a try. Oh, no, it's Eric. It's Eric. We don't want you to die. Eric, give life a try. Eric.
show y'all what i did today gosh no eric it's mostly because i don't want to hear maverick sing anymore but um i literally was mad at you today maverick no no no no no i don't put that string back in your mouth oh cinderella how about how about you put a string in your mouth and um wrap it around your i have a better idea i learned a card trick i'll be right back i'm gonna go show you my
What is happening? Oh, he just peed on you. Oh, wow. I wouldn't take that personally. Yeah, I'm not. I don't know who you are. You are causing all kinds of trouble. You just spilled the coffee. The coffee is spilling all over. My coffee. That was Maddie's respect. I can't believe you just took that. Find her a girlfriend, Maverick. I didn't even buy this coffee. Oh, that's the point. In fact, she bought your drink from Starbucks. Oh, did you really? And I didn't spill it all over the floor either. Oh, thanks. You're welcome. Do you guys want to see what I did today? I sent it to you.
Oh, okay. Give me this. Just wait. Wow, I wonder what they're watching. It's popped up on the screen. Can't you see? What? I throw it back to when I realized I could sing. You just have to be the center of attention, huh? I think Cinderella might have just farted. Cinder Smell was really living up to her name. Harper, what did you do? Why did you stand on the table? What?
- You're looking at me with those eyes. - Tomorrow I'm gonna stand, this is what I'm gonna do. So it's like a trend and it's like you are starting, when you realize you can sing. So I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, what's it called? So this is the basketball's a lunch table. I'm sitting in my chair. So, ♪ Oriole end up just like me ♪ - Wait a second. - Wait, ♪ Oriole end up just like me ♪ - Harper, can you sing? ♪ Oriole end up just like me ♪
And I'm gonna cackle like a witch. Can we hear the cackle? Wow, that was really good. Have you ever been a witch for Halloween? Yes, one time I had a stomach bug and I was a witch and I had to pass out candy. Sometimes she's a witch when it's not Halloween. God, I'm sorry guys. I don't know what's going on. No. You should take Gerald. Oh, good idea. Oh, gosh.
He's gonna be sad. He was so sad last time. Alex, you got scissors over here? Take the tape off and like pull it in pieces. There you go. Guys. The way we just threw scissors across the room was crazy. He's gonna be so sad. No, no, no, the face. Oh, the face, the face. Oh, man. Oh, man. Take his teeth out. Cut his eyes off. Cut his eyes off. I can't. I really don't know if we should. I really don't know if we should. Use some trash scissors. Oh. Just start stabbing him, I think. I'm gonna have to go to Walmart and buy cash a new Gerald. I'm gonna have to buy cash a new one, guys. Where?
Oh no, guys. Oh, you're assisting in this homicide? Oh, why does she... Why do you look like you've done that before? Perfect. Growing up.
Okay, that's enough. Oh cash is about to kill you practice. I guess oh What did she do to Jim that is so? Let's act like he's delusional and there's no fuss coming out. We should act like it's been the whole time. We'll make what?
No, he's not supposed to do that. He takes it very personal. No, we'll... But I'll buy him a new one. No, we'll be like, dude, what are you saying? I think it's literally $5 at Walmart. Hey, guys. What's wrong with it? Like, yeah. If anybody ever, like, if we're ever doing, like, a live show or anything, and, like, you want to bring, like... I want all the Geralds there. And you guys are like, oh, I want to bring a little gift. Bring Cash a Gerald, and he'll love you forever. Da-da-da.
If you bring one for you too, you guys can race. Yeah, he'll race you. And he'll probably, even if he loses, he'll be convinced that he won because he has a special connections with these stick heads. I'm pretty sure I think I guys.
No, it's just I think she'd been crying She just found out that she don't get to stay with me. So now she's sad Oh, actually her eyes just cleared up guys if we were to ever if you were to ever do a live show If you were to ever do a live show Harper, what would you what would you want? Like people would bring cash to Gerald What would you like hope that little little fans would bring you if they brought you a little gift honestly just picture myself
I love when I see little drawings. They're so cute. Like, I just, something about it makes me feel special. Um, yeah, so, no, something about it just makes me feel this odd thing called happy. Um, I've never felt it before. Just a warm, fuzzy feeling inside of you. Sure. What are you talking about? Why are you whispering over there? Oh my goodness, chill. Bro!
Well, see, I was talking about, we made a bet that if we get a million followers before... We're getting close. We're not getting close at all, actually. But since the episode dropped, it's been going fast. Really? Well, it only dropped like an hour ago, right? Yeah, but it's already went up a thousand followers. You ready, man? You ready? Oh, I'm ready. Really ready? Are you really ready? I am ready. Are you going to stay on the podcast forever? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I want you to stay forever. Same.
You can't show her. Who's hand is that? Is this what y'all are hiding? Oh, you can't see it. No, you can't see it. You can't see. It's your... You can't see it. Wait, can we say what it is? No. Oh, well, she probably knows what it is. Do you think you know what it is now, Kenzie? Yes, she knows what it is. I think you are talking about a ring. A ring. A ring.
- Do you know what shape it is? 'Cause I'll tell you. - No! - No, everything needs to be a surprise. - Yeah, everything's a surprise. Hey, if it makes you feel better, he don't even got it yet, so. - Moving on guys. Oh, he took Gerald. - Yo, Cash is probably dunked in Gerald's forehead. What? - No. - Wait, he only said a single word when he walked up here. - He said bro, but we kind of ignored him. But Harper, answer my question. - Was he mad? - Alex? - Alex, he's gone, so I can ask.
Well, you never know. What? Stop asking for time. We got three episodes to shoot, sweetheart. Cash, we don't want you asking for time. I know, he would be freaking out. Hey, take those cards he just grabbed. No, guys, we already took Gerald's life away. He needed them for something. Things y'all make me do. That took so much convincing. All right, what do I do? I don't know. Okay, here I go. It's going to fly out of my hands. Oh.
Guess we're playing a game. 52 card pickup. Oh! Oh, man. I don't want to pick up 52 cards. Don't worry, you won't. Who will? Who will? Cash! No, that's not up to me. I'm starting to wonder who the real villain is. I don't know if we'll be able to film three episodes after this. I think he's going to be really upset. He's heartbroken. Womp womp. That's so mean. This is going to seem like
Look at that one card, Harper. If we were to ever do a live show, what would you want people to bring? If we did a live show, what would I want people to bring? Like, Josh would take Gerald's. Am I crazy? Oh, no, it's just the lighting. I mean, personally, you guys can bring me. Wait, wait, wait, we're all talking. We are all talking. Oh. What are y'all talking about? They were talking about the cards. Oh, we were talking about the cards. Am I a control freak? Okay, you know what? Just never talk to me again. How about that?
Anyways, if we were to do a live show, what would you want people to bring? She's so badly wanting comments about how well she can sing. So do not comment it. She is begging for comments right now. No way. I set this up for my card trick. Send it to us.
- He rigged the deck. - Cinder Smella did that. - Gerald has got some interesting scars going on. What's happening? - Gerald, actually, whoever that plastic surgeon is did really good. - It looks like Dr. Kim. Remember Dr. Kim? - Remember Dr. Kim? - No, Dr. Kim, like everybody would end up like, or everybody would end up like their face be like really back. - Yeah, you definitely went to Chloe's surgeon, huh? - Yeah. - Can y'all just not ruin all my stuff?
Dude, nobody ruined yourself. You're so delusional. I don't understand what you are saying. Like, why are you doing this? What's your issue? Like, I don't understand anything anymore. I'm going to show y'all a card trick. It all just won't ruin my life. You're ruining my life. You'll see a cool trick. Cash, we don't want you to die. Cash, give life a try. Why are you taking Gerald? He's going to take his deck of cards. Okay, Mom, can you answer my question now?
Dream guest on my podcast? No. If we were to do a live show, what would you want people to bring? What would you want the fans to bring? Money? You can bring me money. No. What? I didn't say that. Live show. I mean, I like food. I like Red Bull. I like candy. Wow. You're asking for a lot more than me and Harper asked for. What did y'all ask for? A picture. Honestly, I would honestly ask...
If I'm going to be honest, I would ask for y'all's love. Seriously, y'all mean so much to me. It's beautiful. That's awkward. Don't ever, ever do that again. God, I'm too good at it, right? You're just so jealous. I almost sent you... Because we had a timer on Snapchat yesterday. I almost sent a picture doing...
that but i knew you were gonna save it in the chat so i didn't why why are you scared of me saving things in chat don't worry wait do you save her photos in chat sometimes what are you saving in chat i don't know i mean oh look who's not me my favorite boy catch that was mean oh that was me yeah that was me i know she's the one that cut him open my favorite boy you would be surprised oh
Who cut him open? It was Cinderella. Look at me. It was you or you? It was Cinderella. It was not Cinderella. Look at her. Look at the guilt on her face, Cash. She's looking at you. Oh. See, she's hiding now.
She actually tore that thing open. I'm going to show you all these cards are mixed up random order. All these cards are mixed up in a random order. Can we shuffle them? Now, ready? Well, you're going to get to shuffle them.
Please just follow along. Please, guys. This is the third time I had to do these. Okay, I'll play. And it's my first time performing this trick live. I'll play. Okay? It ain't live. I'm letting Kate do it because if I give it to you guys, you guys are just going to throw the cards everywhere. Oh. Okay. Maybe. So, how do I go? Okay. Kate, please cut the deck. Tell me when to stop. Ready? Ready? Yep.
Stop. Now, Kate, don't throw these cards. Well, approximately halfway. Stop approximately halfway-ish. Stop. Okay. Okay, you cut it. Halfway. It's not red. I'm telling you. Cut it halfway-ish. Halfway-ish. Maybe shuffle them up. No, no, no. Don't shuffle them. No, don't shuffle them. Don't shuffle them. What? They're not in a specific order. Here's the top half. Why can't we shuffle them? Okay, so here's half the deck Kate gave me. Give me the other half. Oh, you shoot through them.
Now, Kate, I want you to shuffle the deck. That's right. Y'all weren't expecting that. I want you to shuffle the deck one time like this. You know how to shuffle like that? I do know how to shuffle. Okay. One time. Please don't mess it up. What happens if I mess it up? Don't mess it up. One fluent time. Can she shuffle? I do know how to shuffle. I hope so because I really don't want to have to perform this trick again.
Now give me the deck. That's a bit rough. Okay. Now I'm going to go watch this. Kate, watch. I'm watching. I'm just... Can the camera see me? One, two, three. That's six. Four, five, six, seven, nine, ten. You forgot to put ten. So I have two stacks of ten.
Kate. So 20 cards in total? Kate, which stack would you like? But just to be clear, there's 20 cards. Yes, 10 in this stack. 10 in this stack. Which stack of 10 would you like? That's 20 total. Which stack of 10 would you like? Yes. Yes. Dude, y'all frustrating me, bro. Left or right? This one? So is it like five times four is the amount of cards on the floor? Okay, she wants that. That one. Okay. Don't mix them up. Keep them like that. Don't mix them up. Don't touch nothing. Only do what the magician tells you. Okay. Now...
I'm going to take this deck. You're so far from a magician. And I'm going to put it back. Did you shuffle? No, I didn't. I promise. Okay, I'm going to put this one back on top. No, no, no, no, no. Please don't ruin the trip. Please, please. I'm going to put this deck back on top. Okay? Now, I'm going to spread the deck out like this. This is the longest Carpenter guy I've ever seen. Look, now I'm spreading the deck out. How long has it been going on? Five minutes?
Wait a minute. I forgot something. Hold on. There's no way you forgot something. Guys, Cash is not a magician and this magic is not real. Here's the stack she didn't see. They're oddly in the right color order. Here's the stack she didn't see. Okay? Now, I'm going to spread. I put it back on top. I'm going to spread it. You're terrible at spreading the cards. Yeah, it looks like they're just kind of mixed up.
How's it supposed to look? Like red, black, red. I'm spreading them up. Okay. Gash, you got to speed this up, hon. Seriously, everybody's clicking them off. Yeah, no one's stuck around for the card trick. I'm about to walk off myself. Yeah. Okay, hold on, hold on. I just got to spread them. Cinderella's falling asleep. Okay, okay. Now, Kate. Oh, man, I hope this works.
I'm ready. Okay. Take the bottom one off. Wait, show it. Show it around. Hey, guys, what the frick? Guys, this is the big part. This is the big part of the trick. Show everyone the card. Is it a red card? Yes. Holy frick, it's working. Oh, my gosh. That's also a 50-50 shot. So we'll see if it continues to work. All right, take the next one off.
Is it a red card? Yes. Oh my god! That's not crazy! I thought that was crazy. Ready? Take the next one off. Red. Yes. Next one. We're cooking. Red. Yes. Next one. Red. Yes. Next one. Black. Yes. Next one. Black. Next one. Black. Yes. Next one. Black. Next one. Black. Yes. Congrats. Now what? Bro, what do you mean? Guys, this is... Yo, what? She shuffled the deck.
No, not really. When you cut the cards, you just put them... No, she cut and then she shuffled. And you probably had cards to the side or something. I'm really impressed. Good job, Cash. That was great. I can't wait to watch this back.
I promise you I did not add anything fishy. Oh, it definitely was there. There was so much fishy stuff. Yeah, there was a lot. Well... Do not... No, let's cut the deck again. Okay. Do not shuffle. Do not... No, okay. Give me the deck back now. Okay, now you can shuffle.
You were like, you're like, don't put it that way, but cut it that way. Yeah. Yeah. I cut the deck. Don't mess with the cards. The order of the cards I had. Okay. So here's my next. I'm honestly dying. Oh, you guys want to see my next trick? No, I don't. It wasn't magic, hon. Oh my gosh. You know, and, um, Anna and Elsa are frozen when that guy tries to dance with Anna on coronation day and his hair flops over. That's what I feel like right now. Like,
That's oddly specific Like one specific scene You know the blonde guy is like Hello I am Queen Farquaad What? You would be Queen Farquaad That is true If Farquaad had a queen Maybe you Doesn't Queen Farquaad walk like this? King Farquaad No that's Edna Cash walks like Edna I have a pretty good Edna walk Let's see here
Do it, do it, do it. Okay. It's a party trick. Here we go. Y'all ready? Here's my eggnog walk. This is how you walk like Eggna from The Incredibles. Eggna. Eggnog. Now it's hard. Sometimes I don't get it right. Let's see. Wait, I actually... Yeah, you like that. Ready? You want to see it again? Okay. Wait, please. During Halloween, leave the front door open.
*laughter* I'm in the kitchen and when little kids come up, walk right through her like that. *laughter* Oh no, Ron will be so scared. You have to be Edna on Halloween. *laughter* I'll be Vector. Vector? Edna and Vector. Yeah, we can do the impersonation about the moon. Wait, is it Vector or Victor? It was Victor. Are you kidding me? Victor. That's, uh... Yeah, it's just Victor. VECTOR!
Except Gru wants to steal the moon. Yeah, Gru wants to steal the moon. No, it's Vector. Oh my gosh, have you ever seen this thing for me? Yeah, they both want to steal the moon. Gru's whole thing is, I'm going to steal the moon. Yeah, but Vector steals the moon. He's the orange guy. He's the one who does steal the moon. Yeah, he does steal the moon. He shrinks the moon and he steals it. Oh, they both wanted to steal it, huh? Yeah, and Vector succeeded. Because they want to be the better villain. Oh. It's true, that happened. Well, guys, thank you so much for watching this episode. We'll see you guys next time. Peace. We'll see you next time on the funniest podcast on the planet.