Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Harper has decided my wedding is not important. Wait, you're not going? No. You know what she has? A sleepover. There's no way. Alright, rock, paper, scissors, who gets great? Okay, ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! No! Give me the red donkey. It's gay! Oh, it's a bloody donkey! Why would you do that? We're playing pull the tail of the donkey. What the frick just happened?
Man, this is a nice place right here. Yeah, you like this? This is a nice place. I like this. Hey! Hey! Get out of me swamp! No. I said get out of me swamp! Does anyone know why Shrek is like British? I'm confused why Shrek's British. I'm not British, I'm an ogre.
Okay, so I don't know if Kate's ever watched Shrek. Do you know who you're supposed to be playing right now? He sounds like... He's like Irish. He's Irish. No, he's not Irish. He's Scottish. Oh, he's Scottish. Who said Shrek's Scottish? Me. His voice. He doesn't talk like an American. What? He has an accent. But why are you talking like...
Elegant? He doesn't talk elegant. Well, maybe you guys casted the wrong person as Shrek. Oh no, we casted the right person. Yeah, you- trust me. You match the ogre vibe. You are an ogre! And always an angry, smelly, angry ogre. Y'all should smell that outfit. That outfit smells bad. I smell like Sol de Janeiro 68. What is that? I'm kidding, I smell like 40. Princess, sit up straight.
Don't be touching my woman like that. See, once again, Kate with the British accent. That's not... Don't be touching my woman, dog. Say that again. I said don't be touching... Don't touch my... I don't know what I said. I got a headache from yelling already. What? Casualty or Shrek impersonation then? Shrek? Yeah. Shrek talks like... Well, I'm Donkey. I'm not Shrek. Donkey's easy though. Talk like Shrek. Okay. Okay.
I haven't really seen much of Shrek. What? But here we go. Doggy, get out of my swamp! Yeah? No. Okay, you do a Shrek impersonation. Shrek? Harper! Don't worry, don't worry. I told you! No, no, no, don't worry, don't worry. You don't have slime hands. I do, trust me. She got Shrek on her hands. She got Shrek earwax all over her. Ew. Where'd you get that jar of my earwax?
In your bedroom. What? Mic drop. These accents are very crazy. I know. No one's nailing their accents. You know what? Maybe we should have been a different movie. Let it go. Let it go. Guys, who should we dress up as after this? Minions. Okay, after Minions. Can we dress up like Disney princesses? That seems like a fun one. Disney princess. Oh, I call to be Cindy. That's... Cinderella? Yep. You like having your toes out?
Her toes are out. One of her toes is out. She ain't got her shoe. Cinderella's toes. Her dogs are out. She ran off without her shoe. Listen, I understand that you guys all like the Disney princesses, but we have a real princess right here. Princess Fiona. Hi. My one and only wife. I only brought you to your savings. Shrek, I'm cheating on you.
Well, I already brought you. Okay, I don't know what's happening here, but I don't like it, so I'm going to interrupt. Yeah. And Shrek number one, because that's the only one I've seen. I've never seen Shrek. Yeah, I just watched Shrek number one for the first time ever. That's a lie. You've seen it many times. No, I've never seen it. Cash, I've seen it many times, so I know you've seen it many times. How the heck does you see it, me, and I see it? Because y'all are bad boys. Not me, no.
Do you not know what being a twin, how that works? Oh my gosh. Okay. Anyways, in Shrek, I'm not going to lie. That thing was a sad movie. When Shrek is like bringing Fiona back to the castle and they're almost back to the castle and he eavesdrops in and he hears Fiona talking about how she herself looks. She's like a big, I'm just an ugly ogre. And I got big green ears. How could anyone ever look at me?
love something like that. Yeah, but she was really talking about herself. You can see the emotional damage in Shrek right there. But Shrek thought it was about him. Dude, that got me sad. Yeah, Cash actually had tears in his eyes watching it. You just could see it crush Shrek's little soul. Because girls talk like that about Cash, so it's like... It's relatable for him. Yeah. What did you say to me?
Well, look at you. You're in a donkey costume on a podcast. You literally are dressed up like a fart. That's pretty low, honestly. What? It's better than a donkey. I'm going to be honest. For your job, you have to dress up like a donkey. I'm going to be honest. We're all at an all-time low. I'm not at an all-time low. I think my favorite costume is Mavericks. I'm always low.
I think my favorite costume is Maverick's. Harper says he looks like a woman. He does. You really do. He looks very odd. It helps. You really do look like a pretty woman. Yeah, you got good facial structure for a woman. I don't think that helps. Oh. Well, I thought it might. I feel like it just makes my head look massive. Zoom in on this. What? Zoom in. What do you mean? I noticed that Lord Farquaad also... How do I look?
Comment down below. You get with us. I don't know if you want that. Listen, Lord Farquaad is a good character and I'm proud to be Lord Farquaad. He's evil. No, he's not evil. He sure is. Y'all don't understand the damage Lord Farquaad has went through. Y'all don't know my backstory. Okay, what is it? Well, I had two parents. And then I didn't. And then I didn't. I was a young boy with way too much power as Prince.
And not enough woman. All I needed to save all the people in the land was to become a king. To become a king. And no one wanted to let that happen. No one wanted to let that happen. You're literally Lord Farquaad. You're not Trump. Same person. No, not the same person. Here's the thing. I just needed a princess to marry so I could save all the people. That's not why he wanted a princess. This man wanted...
The princess all for himself so he could live in his little swamp all happily ever after. He didn't care about the majority. Y'all, we get it. We've all seen the movie. I haven't. Me neither, honestly. I've only seen the first one. This is your fault too. Your outfit makes your teeth look very white. Yeah, we should yellow them things up. Wait, you smile Harper? Yeah, it's not as white. Okay.
Yeah, it's actually crazy because Shrek has like terrible teeth. Oh yeah, he's got like yellow teeth. That's why I thought Cash should be Shrek, but hey! That was foul! You're a donkey. Yeah, yeah, you are a donkey. Oh, great. Well, there goes that. Everyone thought about the joke, but no one has said it. And I honestly thought no one was going to say it. I thought we might get away. Isn't that fine? Hey!
we're back because somebody said something that had to be cut. We're not even going to say who. It was Harvard. Guys, it was just a funny joke. It meant donkey. Is that the word you were going to tell me at the beginning of the episode? No, it was much worse. Much worse than that? Guys, I recently found out how loved I am by my fiancé.
Not very much. Not very much. Oh, that's not good. Sounds about right. I mean, she's not here to defend herself, so I think it's the perfect time to bring this up. Honestly, flawless. Yeah. Flawless. She had the audacity. The audacity. Audacity. She had. The audacity. Yeah, but don't say it like that. That's how you said it. Oh, my gosh. No. She had. The audacity. Yes, we've been. The audacity. What's the next line?
To tell me. She said, hey, I'm going on vacation for a couple days. You want to watch my dog? I said, show thing. Then she follows it up with. You did not say it like that, did you? I said, show thing. Show thing. Show thing or show thing? Show thing. Show thing, shawty. This is what she said back. She said, oh, I don't know how I'm going to do it, though.
I'm going to be gone for seven days. I say. Seven days? No, it wasn't actually seven days. Some sort of days. I don't know. Basically, seven days away from her dog because I had to take her dog early. Okay. She's like, it's going to be seven days away from my dog.
She's been seven days away from you all the time. That's what I said. I said, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're going on vacation and you're worried you're going to miss your dog? She was like, yeah, it's going to be so hard. She said nothing about you. It's going to be so hard to not see my dog that I'd lock up all day while I'm at work anyways. Put you in a little prison. A little prison. Is there any in the garage right now? In the dark garage? No, she's not. The light's on. Point is, I fell.
I found out my place. Did you turn the light off? It is so low. It's below dog sitter. It's unpaid dog sitter. It's at the very bottom. That's where I stand with her right now. Dog sitter. You realize that's going to be your dog. So it's actually, you're a dog owner. Well, if I'm part owner of the dog, I got some opinions about that dog.
First off, Mav wants it to be dead. No, never say that. No, he's never said it up in a blender. I'm going to throw it in a blender. Yes, he did. Never have I said that. They're the biggest. Never have I said that. It's a cute dog. It's a great dog. One of the greatest dogs ever. She's a very pretty dog. It's going to end up at Panda Express. That's where that dog is going. Listen, no, personally, dog is a delicacy. I've always wanted to know what it tastes like.
I mean, dude. You're not kidding. I would never eat your dog, babe. Babe, I would never eat your dog. As a donkey. That's not okay. As a donkey. Yeah. I think it's okay. Because listen, why do we eat every animal? But if somebody eats- No, I draw the line at dogs. Yeah, but why? Why is that? People are so fine with eating chickens and cows. But if it's a dog, everybody would think you're some cereal messed up human. Chicken, pig, cow. Horse. Oh, no. Maybe rabbit. Rabbit.
uh pig in like deer that's it why maybe oh easy a fish i'm eating fish all day i don't get why we just have no feelings why do we just randomly pick and choose because it's the ones that i can look at and i'm like because they're not the cutest i don't care well cows are cute and deer are cute deer are pretty cute i've only ate deer once hey fish get the worst into the deal my mom people fished him just for sport so you pretty much stab it in its mouth
Just for fun. And then throw it back in. Yeah, that's kind of crazy when I think about it. Imagine doing that to a dog. They're like, oh, I got one. They're reeling it in by the mouth with a hook. Yeah. People would lose their mind. Kind of messed up fishing. But are fish really even conscious? No, they don't feel it. That's what I'm saying. I know. Do they have a brain? I'll tell you what. I'll say it. I'll say it.
Stop fishing. Except for sharks. Oh, I'm so down to serial killer sharks. I say we AR-15 those bad boys. I don't think... Sharks? Yes. I think all sharks should die. I say we send all prisoners on some boats because they got good aim or they wouldn't be in prison. If you kill 10 sharks, we set you free. 10 sharks for your freedom. Well, you know what I found?
Which is kind of really sad, but people will fish for sharks in the ocean, and they'll catch sharks, cut their fins off to make fin soup or something, shark fin soup, and then throw the rest of the shark back in the ocean, but he doesn't have his fins anymore, so he can't swim, so he just sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Is that what happened in Nemo?
No. Oh, that's who we should dress up as next. Nemo? The Finding Nemo cast. Is that what happened in Nemo? Yeah. Oh, she's that little girl with the braces. No. No. Guys, I swear if we dress up as that, I'm not being a little girl with the braces. Everybody calls me that. No, you're already that girl. Nobody calls me that. You know who that girl reminds me of? Who? Y'all have seen Monsters, Inc. Boo. Oh.
grown up just a little bit more. She's like 13. She's got braces. Yeah, she kind of does. Yeah, she went bad. Evil. Also, okay, just because a shark loses its top fin doesn't mean it's sinking to the bottom of the ocean. No, it loses all its fins. So he just sinks. All its fins? He's just a... He's finless. He's just like a little noodle floating around. He is. Oh, he's just a seal out there. I wonder what it looks like. Turned a shark into a seal. But someone
said gosh I wish I could remember who told me this but you guys know how there's been all the shark attacks yeah someone said that they just made it illegal to do that so you're not allowed to like fish for sharks yeah no more shark attacks it's illegal no no no that feels so much safer in the ocean glad they made that illegal they should have done that a long time ago you know what's funny
They made fishing for sharks like that illegal this year. So this is the first year that people haven't been fishing for sharks like that. So there's a lot more. Well, shark attacks? Because, you know, usually a lot of sharks die each year.
At the cost of Finn's soup. Sounds like we need to start eating more Finn's soup. Y'all aren't going to believe it, but one time I caught a shark in Alabama, or Gulf Shores, and I held it, and there's a photo of me holding it. The baby shark. Oh, baby shark. Yeah, it was a baby shark. Baby shark. Okay, no, yeah, we probably shouldn't. Don't do that. That's the worst song ever. We could dress up as that. What?
What? What's it called? What were you about to do? I didn't like that. Like she's about to break out in song. It was her moment. I thought we were in a musical. Wait, can you do the? No, no, no, no. Oh my gosh. Yeah, do it. You know how Fiona in the musical, I actually sang her song for a voice recital when I was like seven. Sing it again. No, no, no, I can't. Pull up the words and sing it. It was like good.
birds good morning trees what a lovely day and then and then i remember beautiful it was like it was like the sun's so big it hurts my eyes but really that's okay i never heard that song i haven't either it's in the musical okay you would only understand that was really good cash is like musicals he fell asleep during mine only once during annie sometimes you need a power you weren't even on stage i was annie harper was annie
I didn't know that. I didn't know you were Annie or else I would have paid more attention. In the beginning, I actually was so mad that I was Annie because I had to miss my cheer banquet. You want to know the reason we went to go see Harper perform Annie is because Harper refused to sing for us when we first met her. So we went to her school to watch her perform to see if she could sing. And she could. Speaking of going to Harper's things.
He didn't go. No, I did not. And I'm not going to his wedding. I would have if you invited me. Guys. But guess what? No, I'm saying this. You don't try to beat me to it. Okay? Harper has decided that my wedding is not important. That's crazy. Wait, you're not going? No. Wait, you're not actually not going? You know what she has? A sleepover. No, no. There's no way, Harper. Yeah, she said she's not going because of a sleepover. Own it. She's owning it. Homecoming. It's sleepover.
for your homecoming. Same thing, basically, just a sleepover. Oh. Wow. Yeah, homecoming, whatever you want to call it. And I'm going to try to make it. To the wedding? How are you going to make it if homecoming's like the same day, same hours? Oh, she's not making it. And that's okay. Yeah. Because... You'll only have two more after this. I'll just tell Kinsey we're not sending you an invitation. Well, don't worry. Yeah, you can probably work your way around it, Harper. I can. Maybe you can make it to his next wedding. I can try. What? Yeah, are y'all going to divorce? I mean...
We haven't really talked about it. No, but actually, I was so mad. I was like crying. Mom, was I crying? Don't try to play the sympathy card. Your mom said no. Your mom went like this. She was like... Here's the thing. Wow, you didn't go to the proposal. You're not going to Mal's wedding. Hey, the proposal's our fault. Yeah, I forgot to invite you.
Actually, we invited Harper to the proposal and they said, sweet, let us know what time. And then at the proposal, I look over at Kate and I'm like, did we ever tell Harper what time? We had like 50, 60 people at this proposal that we had to coordinate. And I was like, no, we did not tell her. Y'all somehow forgot the most important person. I know. I was there. Okay.
No, no, but actually, like, I feel so bad. Like, I would totally go to y'all's wedding and be the flower girl and be the center of attention, but... Hey, is this your crown? Yes. Let's switch crowns. All right. I don't know if you want to do that, babe. You might even look more feminine. Babe, you're going to look like a woman. No, but let's do it, dude. No, no, it's okay. No, put it on, put it on. No, no, I'll take my crown back. No! Wait, put it on. I don't like this crown. It hurts my head. No, but... That hurts your head? This donkey costume is freaking... My...
Do this thing. Your scalp. Okay, that was really rude to say. Apologize. What do you mean? She made that a thing. What? No, she didn't. That's like her thing. No, that's the internet trolling her. Okay, maybe bleep that if that was mean. It was a little rude. Sorry I said that. Whatever got bleeped.
I guess. Well, is that like my first bleep? Because I don't feel like I ever get bleeped. You get bleeped all the time. Was that my first bleep? No. I don't think I've ever been bleeped. It's not your first bleep. There was this one TikTok. Is that what it feels like? Man, I don't like that feeling. Guys, there was this one TikTok of me saying this. Look. What did I say? What? Is it bleeped out? I don't know. That's kind of the whole purpose we bleep it out. Yeah, it's so that nobody knows what you said. I know, but you said I hate that word. And, like, hold on. Hold on.
I don't know. I have no clue what the word is. The editor says he knows what she said. Nobody say the word if you do know the word. Yeah, don't say it. Because obviously we're going to have to bleep it again. She said. Yeah. I can't say it. What did I say? I don't know. After the episode, tell me because I want to know. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But seriously, this donkey thing, look at what it's doing to my scalp. Can y'all not see it? No. Take it way back like the hairline. It's like pulling me like this.
Yeah, your veins kind of popping out of your head. Oh, wow. You look like something. It's really pulling on me. Guys, I met Carter Cher. He's my celebrity crush. Carter Cher is your celebrity crush? He used to be. We could probably get Carter Cher on the pod. I actually think I DM'd him. I was so scared. Yeah, I don't know what he said. I was so scared to go up to him. His brother would come on. I don't know if he would. His brother. Oh, my gosh. Donkey, stop it. Donkey curbs off on the mic. Put it. Donkey, enough. Ow, what the frick, dude?
No, but- Alright! I brought something for all you guys. Oh boy, what'd you bring? It's something great. What'd you bring? You brought gifts? It's something very great. It is a gift. Gosh. I brought- What kind of gift is it? Four gifts. Oh boy. One for me. Let's go. Two for me. Oh no. Three for me. I didn't- I don't like where this is going. Fourth one is for me. Okay. Well, that's great. Let's just move on. I'm gonna get the four gifts now.
It's like the fourth day of Christmas. For the fourth day of crepes. And the cooler? Yes, the gift is in the cooler. That's my drunk elephant cooler. I got me. Hugs. Give me a hug. I brought hugs. What in the world? I will take a hug. All for me. I'm waiting for my hug. No, I'm just kidding. Who wants the grape? This is the worst flavor. I just want a regular hug.
Okay, um... What are you doing, Mav? I thought you said you brought hugs. Homie is the real life "Where's my hug at?" guy right now. Where's my hug at? Where's my hug at? You look so like... Yo, donk it. Where's my hug at? Where's my hug at? Okay, donkey. I'm so glad he didn't fart. Donkey, you're very ugly. Donkey, I can't breathe. Oh, donkey, stop. Donkey, get the heck off of me. Donkey, stop. Donkey, what are you doing? Get off of me. Something smells bad over here. Donkey, that was disgusting. I think Donkey crapped himself.
Donkey might need a change. Donkey needs to change. That's kind of gross. Who wants to change Donkey? Shrek, that's all you. I think Donkey. Not all Shrek. Not your first time, I'm sure.
all right who wants the grape flavor because i'm not taking this not it not it not it we all know what flavor i want oh no okay it's great oh oh it's gonna bust that was crazy you kicked it why did you why did you not grab it because i didn't want to drink all right there's two greens obviously everyone here wants red yeah i actually want green can i get
Yeah, the ogres get green for sure. No. Yeah, ogres get green, unfortunately. Yeah, give me that red one. I'm not drinking grape. All right, rock, paper, scissors, who gets grape? Okay, ready? Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Best out of three, everyone knows that. No, it's not best out of three. What? It might.
This is a competition best out of six so you will die and that's a risk I believe I'm a best out of three ready No, no, no, you gotta clarify best out of three before you throw hands and you didn't clarify so Maverick is the red Well, guess what? I'm literally the one holding it He's literally wearing red Give me the red And you're wearing girl matches you better How does this match me at all? Buddy, kid, listen Brother, child, son Give me the red You
I'm holding the red, so I'm going to drink it if you don't at least give me a fair one. Are you ready? Yes. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ready? Rock, paper... Oh, it's a dance now. Here we go. Ready? What should I pick? Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Come on. It is not that serious. Ready? For the princess. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
- Sniff sniff, give me the red. - It was rock I meant. - No, you did paper. - I meant did you rock? - No, I had a brain fart. - Yeah, give me the red. - I had a brain fart. - Give me, give me. - I meant did you rock? - No, give me the red. - Donkey. - I meant did you rock? - Fair is fair. - Give me the red. Donkey, don't be like this. - Donkey. - Oh, that donkey's about to look real bloody if he tries to drink that. - Donkey. - Donkey.
Donkey? Donkey? No? Donkey? No, don't spill it! Give me the red. It's gay! It's a bloody donkey! Yep, see, nobody gets it now, donkey. Why would you do that? I kill donkeys like you. Why would you do that? Because it was necessary. You can drink whatever's left. That's for you. That's great. I'm glad we did that. I'm so soggy. It's a bloody donkey. I literally feel soggy. Well, you look...
Soggy. What does that even mean? Like a french fry dipped in a milkshake. That's what you look like. Oh, that's a good one. That's how I describe it. I brought gifts. For yourself. I brought gifts. No, you clearly didn't. You were mad about what gift I got you. What? What flavor of gift? So you literally poured my gift on me. You were cheating. No.
Cheaters never win. Okay, cheers. You're going to drink that one too? Cheers. Guys, this kind of tastes like medicine. Now you're getting up. Kind of tastes bad. I don't like it. Y'all look funny drinking the green. Is that what happened to your face? This is swamp water. Y'all do look kind of funny drinking it. It's my bath water. Oh, you're drinking your bath water? I love my bath water. This is my bath water too. You turned me into a Shrek. I don't know what happened to my bath.
He pooped in his back. Wait, guys, I got a question.
Little Mermaid, there was an oil spill. The craziest, y'all shower after this is about to look like that. I got a question. Yes, ma'am. Is that red juice that was just spilled on the black carpet going to leak through onto our actual carpet? Probably. Permanent. Red dye 40. Stain's bad. No, it's going to be soaked up by the rug. It's red 40 dye. Are you sure? Yeah, it wasn't very much. Cash drinks like half of it. Okay, but if there's red stains, I'm going to replace our carpet. Well, no. Grape's not good. I was right. Okay.
Yeah, I burp when I drink drinks. Guys, I'm going to chug this whole thing down, and then I'm going to try not to burp. All right, good. Well, it's not even carbonated. Ew, why would you buy these, Cash? Those are gross. I don't know. I thought they were good, but I'm not going to lie. They do kind of just taste like vitamins. Do you guys think in another life I could actually be a prince? No, probably not. I don't see it. But really, look at me with a crown. It's not probable.
Actually, yeah, I really do see like that. Wow. Nobody likes that guy. Look at your eyes.
Like, I'm better than all you. Guys, it hurts. Bow down. Yeah, well, you definitely would be a donkey in another life. Tell me you don't see that, though. Doesn't that guy look at, like, the guy that's mad because somebody's not bowing down? Yes. Sends them to jail. Jail? I'm almost done, guys. It is very... That is so gross. My bathwater. Y'all would definitely be ogres in another life. There's no way. Oh, I can see it. Give him a little...
Oh! But I could do like his faces where he's like... What? What did she just do? I finished. The Shrek faces. I would love to see you audition for Shrek and do that and them just look at you like...
If I auditioned for Shrek, do you think that... Well, you know it's supposed to be scary, not all... You know that if I auditioned for Shrek, do you think that they would, like, turn me away the second I walked in the door if I looked like this? Oh, yeah. Or do you think they'd like me? Matt, what are you doing? Taking a photo. On the pod? Like, oh. Yeah. Oh. Guys, I told my Instagram live people that I would go live on a podcast.
Oh, well, I'm glad we're on our phones now. One more. Here we go. What is this for? Why is Lord Farquhar taking selfies? Oh, no. And he's taking selfies like a Facebook mom. I can't do it. The gloves are too big. His glove is embarrassing. His glove cannot take the photo. I can do it. He missed again. No, it didn't go. Here we go. One more. What do you mean? Oh, my gosh. This is painful. This is a hard watch. I can do it with the glove. Give me a second. This is a hard watch. Okay, princess, would you do it real quick? Yes.
What are y'all doing? There. There you go. Donkey. You got some Shrek on your face. Oh. Is that green on me? Yeah.
I got that. Donkey. Y'all think I got that donkey in me for real, for real? I don't know. Show us. Give us your best donkey impression. Yeah, give me your best donkey. I mean, like, not, like, physical donkey. I mean, like, do you guys think I have, like, that personality? I need to see a donkey kick. Like, do you think, like... Here, let me... Give me a donkey kick. Let's trick. Get on your back. You want me to donkey kick you? Not me, no. All right, fine. I'll donkey kick you. No, not me. Oh, no.
Don't donkey. Okay. That was very dangerous. No, no, no. No. Get down. He actually did it, guys. I'm scared. Can donkey give Shrek a ride? That was a good donkey kick. You can't lie. What'd you say? I want to get on donkey's back. Like how they would in the movie. I don't know if they did that in the movie. Fly, donkey. Yeah, they did that, didn't they? Thank you. Wait, donkey fly?
dust fly. Only for a little bit. Yeah, he drinks like some crazy stuff. No, it's pixie dust. Oh, that's what he finds. Man ain't never seen Shrek. What? That was Shrek. I've had a person. That was closer to Donkey. You nailed Shrek. No, that was Donkey. That was Donkey. Was that Donkey? Yeah. Well. Oh, wait. I got a great idea. Is that Donkey? How about this? Oh, wow. I got
No stick with you. I got great ideas right? I'll just go with you wait a minute. I got a great idea dude You sound like a pretty good. Would you you sound like if a teddy bear was a serial killer? That was exactly what you sound like Hey, I have a bone to pick with you Lord Farquaad that I hate that saying what does that even freaking mean? You own pick a bone with me? Okay
Go ahead, pick your bone, Kate. What does that mean? Not gonna stop you. My bone is that you are wearing a crown and you are not a king. Well, that may be true, but... You never succeeded. I wanted to be a king and then I was eaten by a dragon. Didn't get my princess. Didn't become a king, but... Eaten by a dragon? It happens. You've never seen the movie. We lost to, like,
Oh, is it the purple dragon? Oh, he did at the end. Yeah. The purple dragon, right? But does he not come back alive on movie two? No, I should be the purple dragon. Movie two, he's not back alive? No, Lord Farquhar's dead. I don't think he ever comes back. Wait, what's the plot of movie two? I have no clue. It's totally different. Yeah, apparently all the Shrek movies are different. I know one of them, he has kids.
I don't know what they all are, but Shrek has kids. He has little triplets actually. Really? Yeah. But anyways, yeah, I never became a king. Wanted to be a king. Never got the chance, but I have a crown on because the little Lord Farquaad, throw me the Lord Farquaad hat. Here's the problem with the Lord Farquaad hat.
Oh, it came with a hat? That it did, sir. That it did. You didn't want to wear it? No, I wanted to wear it. But my head is so big. You got a big head. It fits without the wig, but with the wig on, it just, it's impossible. It's just. What do you mean? Just put the thing on. It doesn't, this is it.
Okay, I got you. Josh, it's impossible. I tried many times. I did try to get it on his head. Yeah, it's impossible. Donkey, bro. Hey, donkey. Look at you. Donkey. Oh, that's not right. Okay. And that's not right. Ooh, donkey. Careful donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Ow! I didn't think he did that. Stop pulling my hair! Let's do it again. Is your tail okay?
It's fragile. Imagine you ripped my tail off. I think I could. No, you can't. Stand up. Give me your tail. Stand up. Try it. Stand up. But what if you do? I'm not going to. What if I'm careless after this? Just stand up. Let me see your tail. I can stitch it back on. Let me see that tail end. Come on, Donkey. Oh, gosh. No one's going to believe me. Get up, Donkey. If this comes off, this is a real fairy tale.
Can I try? Pull his tail off. Oh, gosh. Okay. Let Kate go first because I feel like you'll actually get it. And me second. Pull the tail of the donkey. We're playing pull the tail of the donkey. My tail. Oh, no. Is my tail there? Your tail is. She ripped your tail end up. She ripped up your tail end. I'm sorry. What the freak just happened? Give me the tail. I feel exposed.
You should. Wait, when I sit down it, donkey. Zonkey. Is out. It's gone. I'm trying to sew it up, but you ain't sewing that up. This is so bad. I don't know why I let y'all do that. Hey, so I believe in one of the movies, Shrek and Fiona actually become king and queen. Oh. I could be wrong. Wait, really? Check me in the comments. But if they didn't, we're going to see what would have happened. Shrek, what would you do as king? Ooh, first order of business.
I'm not giving my tail back. First order of business is I'm definitely locking my swamp down for good. Like high security within miles of my swamp. And that's all I really care about. Okay. Is me swamp. And what about the princess? She's protected. I'm protected. She got me. Princess number two. Protected by the fiery dragon. I do the mirror impression very well.
Guys, I stepped on the juice. What would you do? Juice. And my sock is wet. I would, like, I would have a dragon to fly around on. You already have that. What? I got that for you. Okay, well, if you're not going to wear the crown, someone should. Hand me that thing. I would like to, but it's so far. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah.
Donkey. Further back, donkey. Keep going with it. Donkey. Around the ears. Outside of the ears. Around the ears. There you go, donkey. There. Yeah. Princess donkey. You're a princess donkey. I can't believe you have no tail. Huh? You're a tailless donkey. Yeah, I feel like a tailless donkey right now. Hey, can you tell me about the tail of the donkey? Well, that wasn't funny. It was there, but then it wasn't.
Can you tell me about the tail of the donkey? What do you guys think we should dress up as? I said tail. This is a sensitive topic. Tell me not. Guys, what should we talk about? Tell me not. Well, I just kind of want to know what we should dress up as next and maybe preferably something... Well, I told you he can't tell you. Okay, yeah. Let's do minions. Can I please be Gru? Well, I'll tell you what. I think we should... You want to be Gru? No, Vell.
I went no, I'm not grew. I don't want to be a minion. I want to be there's no telling what you'll be I say we all do Disney princesses and who do you want to be Cindy? Okay, Cinderella. So you want your toes out? It's just a fairy tale. Who do you want me to be? Which princess do you want? Hey map could be like grumpy. What? Seven doors. Yeah, I'm not grumpy or sleepy. You can sleep whichever one you want to be. No, no, no Which which?
Well, what dwarf would you like to be? Oh, can someone remind me what the, how many, uh, there's 12 of them. There's seven. Seven. What are they? Dopey. I'll be dopey. Dopey? One of their names is dopey? No, I'm kidding. He's for real dope. He's really dope. Uh, Harper, which character, which princess would you like to be? Happy. I'll be happy. No. Other than Fiona. Uh,
well, I would want to be married. No, no, no, no, no, no, not, not a ginger princess, please. Really? Ariel. What about queen Elizabeth? Yeah. I mean, that goes, um, that is so funny. We do princesses. I'm trying to think. Princess Diana. Ooh. Yeah. No, no. Move on. I'm getting, uh, I'm trying to think like who, who, who's out there. Who's out there? Like there's lots of them. Uh, Elsa, uh,
The genie one? Oh, Anna! Cinderella? Anna. That's a good one. That's what I would be. Who's Anna? Elsa's sister? She's a princess? What's the Moana chick? Yeah, Moana. You'd be Moana. What the? You just have to put that on. I don't think I'd pull off Moana. No, you would. You'd be a good Moana. Matt, show us a nice little Farquaad walk. A little Farquaad walk? Yes. Only if she shows us a Shrek walk. I want to be Princess Ariel so that I can get my voice taken away and you guys can't yell at me for being too quiet. What the? All right, Matt. Let's see it. Okay.
Can we get a side-by-side, potentially, of me and Lord Farquaad walking? Ooh, a side-by-side would go hard. Okay. My green is coming off. Do the Lord Farquaad walk. Same. First off, you have to have a cape, or you just lose the whole effect. Second, Lord Farquaad takes very, very tiny steps. Does he? Yeah. Hey, you gotta talk loud, dog. Look at whatever camera I want. Look at this camera. No, I don't think that camera sees you that well. No, I think cameraman is correct. Okay, fine.
What are you doing? I'm giving you a mic. Donkey, get out of my way. I'm sorry you don't have a tail. They took tiny steps like this. And then you have to run after things. Oh, no! Oh, no! And he does these big hand motions like this. And then he can't ever see anything. So he's got to like, or get on things. He can't see? No. Because he's too short. You're talking a lot, dog. They can't hear you. Every table he walks up to, he can't see. Or chair. Sit in. So it's more of like a... Makes sense.
Okay. Alright. That was not funny. Yeah. What? Well, what do you want me to do? Someone explain. I'll put on the spot. Like this. Lord Farquaad. Yeah. You gotta walk. Do like the Nedda walk. The what? Nedda walk. He said the Nedda. That doesn't work for Lord Farquaad. Yes, this would work. This is a Lord Farquaad walk. His tail. That's not gonna work. His tail. His tail. Why did he move so quickly? He does move quickly. There you go. That's Lord Farquaad. Is he? I'm fine. I'm fine.
We must get to the princess. Dude, how is he doing that? I can't move my legs. Try to do it, Kate. Oh, I can't move like that. Let's see it. You gotta pretend like your knees are, what's that thing called at the gym? What was that? She's mega fast. I can walk like Shrek, though. Let's see it. That's not bad. Kind of looks like you just have a poopy diaper. That's how Shrek moves. Everyone who's seen a kid walking with a diaper, that's what he looks like.
Oh yeah, Kate's costume is falling apart. I got a donkey walk. Okay. It's better from this side. Ready? Wait, I don't got my tail on. Hold on. Wow. There's the tail end. Wait, I'll say that. My cheekbones are... I can't. Why do you move like that? Why do you get so much sway to the hips? Yeah. That's how donkey walks. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. I think this is how you walk on. No, he walks like...
If his name was really Big Bertha. That's how he walks. Big Bertha? Yes. Bertha? Like a P-H? Bertha? Bertha. Bertha? Big Bertha. Yeah, I'm totally naming my daughter that. No, you're not. Bertha? That is such, that would be so sad. Bertha Baker? I feel like that goes far. Our future daughter is going to watch this back and say thank you so much, Mom, for not doing that to me. What if she wants to be Bertha? Bertha? I didn't think of that.
Burf Burf Like burf What about Fiona I feel like you'd name your kid Fiona I don't know if I do Fiona You'd be like it's cute And me and Cash would be like no We'd be like no it's track I just know that whatever name I want to name my daughter They're going to dog on me for it no matter what Yeah because you want to name our daughter Like really weird things Like that sounds like grass names
Like Tetanus? Yes, like Tetanus. Tetanus shot. There's nothing wrong with that name. I mean, I think it's funny. Or like, what do you want to name our daughter? What is it? What's the name? No, no, no, don't say it. Why can't I say it? Because if we have a daughter, I want her to be surprised what her name is. What? Are y'all going to name it that? We can say it because we're probably not actually going to name our daughter that. No. And that's like five years away. I'm not saying that. I'm dead set. I'll say it. You're for real? We can't say it? Wow, she's going to get mad if I say it. Like we haven't already said it on the podcast. All right, fine, I'll say it. No.
Oh, well, now she's mad. It's bleeped. Don't worry. Is it bleeped? Yes, it was bleeped. That better be bleeped for my well-being. Please don't name your daughter that. Literally for... Yes, we are bleeping the name of someone that has not been born for female reasons. I don't know. But please make sure that is bleeped. Can I talk trash about the unborn? So pretty. What did you say? Can I talk trash about the unborn?
I guess. You got a stupid name. That's a dumb name. Like, that is a trash name. I can't believe. Whoever your parents are, shame on them. Okay, I'm sorry. We're just dogging. Guys, honestly, I guess y'all don't really know the name because we bleeped it. Sounds like a urinal brand. That's what it sounds like. But even if it wasn't bleeped, if that's your name. No, it got bleeped. Because I talked a lot of trash on it. It better be bleeped. Otherwise, it would look really bad. But honestly, just any name Kate comes up with.
We try to not like... Do Tatum. It's like a hobby around here. Tatum's cute. Tatum? Tatum's cute. You just like chaining Tatum. Yeah. Who's Tatum? Oh, I don't know. Isn't that like a guy that all the girls like? No. Chaining Tatum? Yeah. Isn't he like one of the like... Yeah. Yeah.
You know, a girl could be named Walker and a boy could be named Walker. A girl could be named Alex. A boy could be named Alex. Cheyenne. There's guys Cheyennes. Sam. Sam's confusing. Sam is confusing. If somebody says Sam's coming, I'm like, do we know the gender? Because I don't know what that is. Sam don't have a gender. That's about what Sam's are at this point. Just tell me Samantha or Samuel. I met, what's it called?
What? Braxton. Braxton. I met a girl, Braxton. I also met a guy, Sasha. Oh. That's really cool. That's cool. Yeah. Anybody else got any? I met a guy named, I can't bring it up, actually. I met a kid named iMac. I'm sorry, like the computer? Yeah. iMac. Or like the theater? Like iMacs or like iMac? iMac. iMac.
confused because he's at hi I'm Mac multiple times this has happened to me in my life I wait what how does it go okay introduce yourself to me what do I say say hey my name is maverick what's your name yo what's up man okay that's what it is I say
I say, yo, what's up? I'm Cash Man. And multiple times people in my life have been, they go, your name's Cash Man? And I'm like, no, my name's Cash Man. And they're like, your name's Cash Man? I'm like, no, my name is Cash. I was just saying man. I was like, my name's Cash Man. And that has happened to me at least two or three times. Why do you keep doing it then? I don't know. It's just natural. I'm like, yo, what's up? I'm Cash Man. Cash Man? Like Trash Man? Yeah.
Like that? Sometimes I want to be a trash man. And one time, I introduced this guy down when I went to Mexico, and I told him my name was, yo, what's up, I'm Cashman. And then, like, I see him the next day. He probably didn't speak English. Maybe that was why. Because I see him the next day, and he calls me Cashman. I'm like, why are you calling me Cashman? And he's like, I thought that was your name. And I was like,
No, that's not my name. This is a pretty good. Why don't you wear this to your homecoming? Yo, please. I feel so bad. I will do whatever you want for you to wear that to homecoming. The green paint too. Look, doesn't this look like the person? Oh, if you wear that to homecoming, millions of views would be like my homecoming fit. Rated. And whoever your date is has to be Lord Farquaad. We'll give them the outfit. I'm not ever going to have a date.
Imagine actually going to homecoming as Lord Farquaad and Fiona. Oh my goodness. You'd be the life of the party. What are you talking about? I'd be so embarrassed. No, you'd be the life of the party. And all the guys would be like, what is she doing? She's so weird. No, it'd be funny. No, trust me. In my generation. Everybody one day is like, oh, you're Fiona. How old do you think we are? Y'all are Gen X or Gen Z. I'm Gen Alpha. You are not Gen Alpha. Mom, am I Gen Alpha? Ain't nobody know what Gen X is. There's no way you're a different generation than me.
Sorry, I know. You're only like five years younger than me. My mom is Gen X. No, you're only six years younger than me. Yeah, my mom's Gen X, so that means y'all are Gen Z. No, your mom is a baby boomer. What game is that? Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that. That's the old people. You are... What's up to the baby boomers?
No. I don't know. It's in between millennials and baby boomers. Hey, surprise. It's X. Surprise. No one cares. Like, you're such a boomer. Like, remember when that was a thing? Okay, boomer. Sorry. Honestly, I'm a donkey. I don't know what you'd expect sitting this close to me. Tell my Fiona, I'll get it out. Come here. That was all on you. Get it out. No. No one did this. Oh, no. Your greenness is on me. That was bad. I just, I cough spat right into your eye. Right?
Yeah, he doesn't have it for shooting people in the eye. Don't say it that close to Adaki, I guess. Guys, I kid you not, when Cash shot me in the eye, I was nearly blind. Yeah, guys, if you have it, go watch the LOL Club video. We dropped an LOL Club video called Testing Band Kid Toys.
And oh my gosh, I shot Maverick in the eye. Cash is a thing for getting people in the eye. I hit Maverick in the eye with a water gun. His eyeball was bleeding. And it's all caught on camera. I'm talking like, it's just bleeding, like dripping down my face. Not like a drip, like a stream. It's literally, I'm not even kidding, it's all caught on camera. My favorite part is Mav's on the ground screaming in pain. And Harper picks up the gun to shoot him again. Yeah, literally Mav's on the ground, he's like, my heart, my heart.
And Harper's like, she grabs the gun. She's like, ah. And then I realize something's wrong. And I'm like, oh. She's like, hey. Bad timing. I was like, I actually worried. And then Kay was like crying. Also, guys, make sure. I think I said this on the last episode. Make sure you guys go follow us on Spotify. Because we're trying to become the number one podcast on Spotify. Let's go. You should go follow us on there. Link in the description. Go subscribe on Spotify. And...
Go subscribe to my channel. We've been paid a lot of money to say this. Kai and Ty have their own YouTube channel. Yeah, we are sponsored by Kai and Ty. But do not support. Don't support them. You can subscribe to Kai and Ty if you want. Link is also in the description. We don't condone anything they say or do. Also, we will put the LOL Club video up right now. Bye. See you guys.