Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Today we're gonna be talking about dating advice. Now dating can be awkward. A thing you don't want to talk about, right guys? Okay. Well...
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.
a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. They're still on their phones. I can't get them to pay attention. Maverick, what do you think about dating advice? I don't think you are qualified to be giving any dating advice. I'm literally freaking married. Yeah, but you never dated anyone. Wait, no. What do you mean? I dated Kate. Not really. Hey, can you step out of it?
You didn't really date. Okay, she's here with us. Anybody want to pull my toes? I'm okay. Are you going to fart? I don't feel like y'all ever dated. What do you mean you don't feel like we ever dated, bro? We just went straight from not being together to being married. Y'all just went from like... Okay, you got us. It was an arranged marriage, guys. No, they went from like... Listen, we're... So y'all are in... We're not together. We're together. We're not really together. But I want to date you. But I don't like you to like... All right, let's just like be friends and then let's get engaged.
What the? Did you skip the whole year and a half where we dated? But it like wasn't really dating. They never even kissed. Like I don't know. Okay. Well okay. I hate when you say that because then we have to explain ourselves but I'm not going to because we've explained it in like the first like episode or two ever that we ever did. Yeah. And everyone acts like we're some freak show but we have a succeeding marriage. And you have three failed relationships. So if anyone
If anyone should be giving dating advice here, I feel like it is not you and it is me. I have so much advice on what not to do. The guy that has been three long-term
100% failed. Yeah, I know exactly what to not do. Failed. Failed relationships. Or the one and done, the one and only guy that has aced it the first time. And what did I tell you? I said, Matt, whenever I date a girl, oops, I'm moving to the desk. I said, I have a problem with you. I said, whenever I first date a girl, guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to marry her because I just know. I know I'm going to pick a good one. I don't run around and date bad ones like you. This is the same guy that kissed like... What the... You were... You're...
This is the same guy that kissed 100 women in like 30 days. No, that did not happen. That did not happen. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Y'all are married. He has three failed relationships. I'm a high school girl. I know exactly dating advice, what it is. Okay? Why are you talking like you're the main character or something? Yeah, like, she's acting like we're all side characters in her movie. Damn. Harper, give me some advice on like high school. Like, it's going to be hard for you going through all of these hard dating relationships.
With, you know, certain people that are just not good for you that you probably shouldn't even be talking to. No! No, let me tell you. You guys are...
and married you had three field dating advice hey I'm Harper nice to meet you I um this isn't iCarly what are you doing no but um so first don't steal she got a script she typed this out what the you just looked this up on google no I didn't so this is from like an experience so like don't steal anybody's money obviously like that's stupid
Don't buy too much DoorDash if you do steal the person's money. I feel like you should go back and you should give it a title. The Ten Commandments of Dating. Yeah. Okay, yeah. The Ten Commandments. All right, guys. This is the Ten Commandments.
commandments of dating yo yo yo together sit up and listen to the Ten Commandments so if something happens don't say what it is again oh this is the Ten Commandments of dating
so this is the 10 commandments of dating don't wait what was that so this is the 10 i'm gonna get i'm gonna punch you so i'm hard of hearing in my right ear no you're not i will punch you again that's why i sit with the left one this way i give you permission to hit him what the okay okay anyways um first don't steal wait what are these oh what are you okay so so this is the 10
of dating oh got it you should have said that in the first place yeah so I um okay well what's number one don't steal anybody's money like just in general if you have a girlfriend or you're trying to date somebody don't steal their money no I think these are just the ten commandments yeah and don't steal yeah and if you um also like are trying to talk to somebody don't buy too much door dash from the money that you stole because it will like
kind of give you a bad look and stuff. Like, it will just give you a bad look because, like, it's a lot of money, all that. And then, like, if you come into, if you, yeah, if you come into somebody's house, like the girl that you're talking to's house or you're just hanging out, um, don't, like, steal anything and take advantage of the house. Uh,
These just sound like steps to how not to go to jail. Well, yes, but also, like, don't steal. This is, like, how to not get a criminal record. Yeah, for instance, like, don't take a photo of anybody's credit card or just don't steal, like, earrings. I don't know. This is oddly specific. I don't know. So... Okay, so what's your actual dating advice? Yeah, that's it. Oh, that's it. That's some great dating advice. That is very handy, and we will keep that in mind if we ever get in relationships. And don't...
What are you having fun about that? I'm just going to bleep what you said. No one will ever know. I just said it again. Oh, well, I'm going to bleep what you said, too. Yeah, just bleep it all. Bleep everything. Boo!
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yes. No, no, no, no. Maverick can have it. Oh, no, no, no. I can't have a milkshake? No. No. It's a milkshake. Our food just came here and Maverick wants to eat on the podcast, but Maverick ruined that for all of us. If anything, Maverick, I should be mad because me and Kate and maybe Harper could eat quietly on the podcast, but if we let Maverick eat, it would be... I've literally ate food on here and it's never been like that.
Except for it has. Except for it hasn't. He smacks and he yaks and he's waxed. I literally have to cut you out whenever they're talking and you eat. That's not true. Or you drink your regular. Yes. Matt, do you understand how liar you are? It's like, y'all are breaking the first commandment right now of dating. That's what y'all doing. She didn't say don't lie. She said don't steal. Something like that. Is lying on there? Let's see. It is. Right here.
What about the one about not joining a clubhouse and keeping it locked whenever you're talking to someone? Oh, right here. Oh, yeah, for real. Yeah. Right here. Definitely can't be doing that. Especially guys with big dimples. You just ordered DoorDash? Well, y'all all got food. Wait, you just now ordered DoorDash? Yeah. On the podcast? But didn't we already have someone, like we already placed an order for food? I didn't want to order food. Yo, Maverick, look at the camera.
No, no, just like look at the camera. Tell him how pretty you are. How pretty I am? Yeah, just go ahead and look at him. Tell him that. What? No, no, just look at the camera and say. Do you think I'm pretty? Oh, it fell. No, you had something on your face. No. You see that little speck? No, on your hoodie? You had an odd looking thing on your face. It was like a thread. It was sitting here like this. Like you just ate some milk. Oh, ate milk? You just ate some cookies and milk. Okay, that's weird. Why are both of y'all wearing white hoodies today? They always match, bro. Every single time. You can say that.
No, I'm not gonna say that. Wait, I thought y'all hated each other first of all. What? He's not my favorite person. The beef is real. Guys, okay, actually... The stuff on the beef is always matching. I have wanted to bring this up. Lately, I... You okay? Don't worry, guys. We'll get back to the dating advice eventually.
Lately at night, my pastimes instead of scrolling through TikTok is... You've been reading. Wait, can you say that again? What did you say? My pastime instead of scrolling through TikTok is scrolling through...
my mentions and tags on TikTok. Bro. And I think it is hilarious. I love when people tag me in videos. This is true. All Kate does when she is on her phone at night, she just watches clips that y'all make on TikTok where you guys mention her and she just dies laughing. Today, I sneezed with my eyes open. Oh, really? And that's impossible. Thank you. Thank you. No, no. It's pretty impossible. Let me show you. I like everyone I see. I'm like,
Do you guys like ball? What? What if you're tagging something that's like... Move your mic down a little. Well, obviously, if it's inappropriate, I don't like it. What if it's just mean to you? Oh, I don't like that either. But my favorite... Like, sometimes people... You've never seen Mav's videos? Oh. What? That is quite awkward. I said you've never seen Mav's videos. What he mentions you in. Yeah, I don't know. People like... But it's funny when people make, like, edits and they, like, give us all different... Why are you talking like you lost your voice? Her voice was fine before we clicked start. Yeah, it was literally fine. Look, guys. Look, look, look. I did it.
Oh, you really tried. Wow. Wasting that joke. Okay, especially in school, I tried. It was close. Dude, she was like... No, it... It might have closed her. No! I watched the clip where you said I blink with one eye. Yeah, you whacking out. I watched it. I was like, why did I do that? I was just like... He just does this.
It looks like he's winking at you. I'm just blinking. There's some dating advice right there. Don't do that when you're talking to a girl, Matt. Oh my gosh, you have probably done that while you're talking to a girl. You've probably just winked at her and you don't even know. She's probably like...
What a weird thing. This dude keeps winking. I wonder if guys think that. They're like, why does this dude keep winking at me? Matt's in a drive-thru. He's like winking at the dude. He's like, thanks, man. It's like, oh, thanks. We should get back to the dating advice. Oh, yeah, dating advice. Don't wink at people. Don't break the...
Ten commandments. The one commandment. Actually, fine, fine, fine. I'll finish it. So don't steal. Don't steal from each other's houses. Don't take a photo of credit cards. Don't, I don't know. Lie. Lie. Don't talk to me. Don't text me. Cheat's a good one. Don't even think about me. Yeah, cheat, lie. Steal. Cheat, lie, steal. Have long nails.
Oh. Why did you look at me when you said that? I just cut my nails yesterday. He actually doesn't have long nails right now. I just cut my nails yesterday, baby. Yeah, but those phalanges are just like, look at them. I normally have long nails. I grow them out for about three or four months at a time. What has five toes and it's not your foot? I don't know. What? My foot. You have five toes? Why did you laugh so hard about that? That was funny. I just thought it was going to go somewhere completely different. Wait, you have five toes?
Do you? You don't? Oh, I thought you were supposed to have four toes, but you have five toes. Yeah. Do you have five toes? I actually have a real one. What has two eyes, a nose, and a mouth? A penny. Harper? Huh? Harper. You. Everyone. That was so funny, bro. I'm dying. Did you like that one, guys? Yeah.
All right. My commandments of dating. First one, obviously don't cheat. Don't text people behind people's backs and stuff. That's not good. And then try to delete the messages but not know about the new iMessage update where you can recover deleted messages. Let him tell it. It's my commandments. Second commandment, don't buy stolen Christmas. Don't give people stolen Christmas presents. Oh, it's like your brother-in-law? Yeah, don't give people
Anything stolen. Okay. Well, gotta bleep that. Harper, why are you so unhinged? All of y'all are unhinged. Well, that's gonna be funny because I know this is funny because you guys definitely want to know what we're bleeping. You definitely want to know. But you don't get to know. What did you say?
Because maybe if you come to our live concert. No. Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine if we did a live concert? Guys, if we ever do a live podcast where you guys can buy tickets to it,
We'll probably have duct tape over her mouth because who knows? It is. Honestly, I was shocked you didn't point at me. Honestly, it's just going to be me and Kate. What would we even talk about, though? I don't even know. Like, I feel like this conversation, we can't be doing this conversation in front of an audience. Obviously not, unless Joe has a live bleeper and he can feel it coming. He's just like, bleep. I think I can. I think YouTube has like a 10-second delay for stuff like that. Well, no, but there's still like a live audience. Yes.
No, no, no. Like, like, Oh, so they would have heard. And there's no bleep in that from people. Just be out there. And then someone's got it. And then they post it on TikTok. What else are your dating advice commandments? I know I got some more. Let me think for a second. Um, the thing is these aren't scripted. No, they're not. They're not. I'm coming up with them on the fly. Uh, yeah. Second one. Don't use Tinder.
Don't do that. You literally got your last girlfriend from Tinder. I get why that made the list. Sorry, that was my bad.
Wait. Yeah, so don't use Tinder. I get why he said that now. I know three people who've met each other on Tinder and got married and they all got divorced. No. Wow, girl. What a great story, Joe. That was heartwarming. No, he said no. Jason Kelsey, he is dating some girl. Who is Jason Kelsey? Travis Kelsey's brother. He met her off Tinder? Wait, wait, wait. He's so perfect for each other. I just feel like if you're that famous of an NFL player, you can't be on Tinder.
Yeah, but he was bad at Tinder. Like his photo, apparently they described his photo. It was like a screenshot he took off of the TV and like cropped it into his face. You know how they have his face in the bottom corner? He cropped his face and then put that in the thing. Like you couldn't even see it was on TV or like a football player. It wasn't even on his whole face.
That's so bad. She swiped right? Yeah, apparently. That's the red flag on her side. She swiped right on that. She swiped right on everything, apparently. Wait, what's good? Okay, Kate, what's your dating advice commandments?
My dating advice. Take her bike. I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting. Take her bike? Her mic. Why? I thought you said take her bike. I was like. My dating advice would be if you are 15 years old and you've been trying to date the same guy for like a year and a half and he keeps just like on and off with you and he's like, I want to date you, but I can't because I signed a contract with my brother and the contract doesn't actually exist. I'm just gaslighting you into thinking there's a contract that we can't date.
And then he comes back to you every other week and he's like, I miss you so much. And then you go to a party one night and you're hanging out with all your friends and then he starts texting you, I miss you while you're at this party and you're having a grand old time. And then you start feeling guilty so you leave him on read. And then you all come back together a couple months later and then y'all are on and off again for the longest time. And then finally he decides to want to date. Don't put yourself through that.
Just wait until he decides he's ready to date. Because otherwise, if you put yourself through that, you might end up dating the guy that is, you know, one of the biggest podcasters in the world, has an amazing music career, and has an amazing brother, honestly. I would hate for that to happen to me. Yeah, so you don't want to date that guy. Yeah, don't. Whatever Kate said, if you ever find him. You don't want to date the guy that takes you and marries you and brings you up out of poverty into our life. Oh, my gosh. Hey, wait.
Wait, did I live in poverty? Keep it on the low. You always say you did. No, she lived in a great, nice place. But she was like, no, you don't understand. I thought I was poor growing up because I didn't have hardwood floors. I had carpet. That's because I grew up in a wealthy area. She felt like she lived in poverty. We know you grew up in a wealthy area. So we brought you out. We got you hardwood floors. We got you into the hardwood floor type of house. Right, but now carpet is trending again. And it's just like... I made a dating advice poem. Okay. All right, ready?
Okay. You had your chance, but you blew it. Now you want me? I should have knew it. Wait, wait, wait. A rap or a poem? Let me hear you sing it. Okay. Because, you know, normally you read poems like poemly, prophetically. Oh, fine. But you're reading this one a little rappy. Like a prophet? Prophetically? Prophetically. That's how people read it. Poetically. That's the word I'm looking for. You're reading it poetically. No.
You had your chance, but you blew it. No, no. That's not prophetically enough. You know how to read poetically? Yes, yes, yes. Look at me right now. I don't think you do. Can Cash read your poem? Let me read it. I'll read it poetically. You had your chance, and you blew it. She read it, so she made it, and I'll read it.
You had your chance, but you blew it. What is this? Slam poetry? This is not... What are you doing? Slam poetry? Hand it over. Wait, no. Hand it over. I had a friend once that did poetry. Five, four, three, two, one. Okay, watch. Ready? Ready? Okay, stop me if I'm doing bad, but I think I'm doing great. You had your...
I didn't start. You had your chance, but you blew it. Now you want me? Stop. I should have knew it. No, I was the writer. What the? I was the writer, so I should read. Okay. All right. Skip the first line. But stop rapping. All right. Read it like out of a princess movie. Like sentimentally? Yeah, like out of a princess movie. Actually, can you read it like the baby?
You had your chance. No, no. Duh, baby. Duh, baby. Okay. Yo, you had your chance, but you blew it. Now you want me? I should've knew it. You think I still want you? Do you even have a clue about how you're so rude? It took a year for me to realize beyond your eyes are just straight up lies. I'm so ready to end things with you, dude or girl. You look like one. You know those kids at school when they write a song and they record it on Snapchat in their car and they're playing a beat to it? Yeah. That's what you just gave the vibe off of. One of the guys just wrote this thing. Wasn't this good?
That was pretty good for off the spot. I wrote it in five minutes just right here. I bet I can write a better one. You had a chance but you blew it. Now you want me to shut it down?
I think I still want you. Do you even have a clue about how you're so rude? It took a year for me to realize behind your eyes are just straight up lies. I'm so ready to end things with you, dude or girl. Well, like, it's a dude rating. I mean, that's pretty good. Inspirational, honestly. You can say that. You can say that, boy. Boy, you could say that if you want to. Harper, I'm just I'm just glad you're letting it all out, though. Just saying that you're over. Yeah. Until next week when you come back and you've updated us on the latest news. Yeah.
I got a funny story. Y'all ready? This is crazy. Hold up. Can we take a look at this? I am a podcaster just trying to podcast, and my fellow co-hosts are all just sitting on their phones. Well, I had to write a song. This is quite embarrassing. Harper made me have to write a song. Guys, let's do our underground impressions. Okay, let's hear Matt. Wait, no, no. I'll go first. Let me go first. I need to write a little more. Okay. I only have one line. I was going to make up the rest. This is not dating advice thing. What I'm about to read, this is just a story I made up.
You definitely got to have Safari, unlike the real creator. No, it's not. The real creator. Just give me one second here. I noticed you're on chat, GBT. Really? Really? Frick, Matt, you go. Ruined it all. They were supposed to think I'm a good writer. I don't think anybody was going to. Well, they're not now. They're not going to think that now, are they?
Map go. Well, I'll still read it just in case to give us some time. No, no, I'm done now. Once upon a time in a small town nestled between rolling hills lived a 14-year-old... Nobody gives a crap! ...lived a 14-year-old red-headed girl named Lily. Anyone got a buzzer? She was known for her... Anybody got a taser? ...for her fiercy looks. Ah!
and uncontrollably ability to turn the most mundane moments into viral TikTok videos. Her podcast, The Lily Show, became a sensation, attracting listeners from all corners of the globe. Globe does not have corners.
Then why'd you write it? I don't know. One day, Lily decided to combine her two passions by attempting to record a podcast episode while simultaneously filming a TikTok dance challenge. As she boogied to the beat in her room, microphone in hand, her cat, Mr. Whiskers, decided to join in on the fun. All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Well, it's supposed to get funny, but it's not. Okay, Mav, you can go.
Now that we've wasted time. What's something you say before you get really disrespectful? Mine is, no more Mr. Nice Guy. That's what you say? Yeah. That's a hard line. That's me. Also, we need to get some more dating advice. That's what they want to see. Well, you haven't given your dating advice. You guys didn't give it all, but... Oh, my commandments? Ready? Yeah. Oh, I'll give my commandments after this.
I remember everything. The weather in September. Yo, move your knee, bro. They can't see you. The holes in your sweater. Ain't no way I'd ever forget her. Yeah, I remember everything. I was trying to do better. Wrote you a dozen love letters. XOXO. I still love you, Heather. Who the heck is Heather? What was that? Huh? What was that supposed to be? What do you mean? Like, what were you writing? Like, a poem? It's a poem. Oh.
Was I supposed to write something else? I don't like poems. You don't like poems? Wait, are we even? Can you write me a rap next? He's actually been seeing it. No, I'm on my... You've had a speech to text your poem? No, I just have like a million songs already wrote. That was something you already wrote beforehand? That's kind of embarrassing. What? You wrote that beforehand? It was probably really good to whatever beat I had, you know? Oh, that's a song? It sounded like a Taylor Swift song. Maybe.
Maybe. Maybe it was. It sounded like a Taylor Swift song. It sounded like Sweater Weather. A guy. Chasing you like a spark of lightning. Burning through my veins. I don't know. Burning through my veins. Chasing you like fading echoes. Heading through the unknown. Breaking these chains. Chasing the essence. Chasing the rush. This is odd. Cash looks pretty engaged. He's like, wait, where are we going? What happened next? How does that song go, Sweater Weather? It's like...
All I am is a man from California. Okay, where are you going to stick it? You need to give your dating commandments. Oh, my dating commandments? First of all, don't do it. Let me think about this one. Scratch that. No. Okay, I got a dating advice one here. Scratch that. I'm going to see what's next because you find it. I was about to say one. In the game of love, you got to play it right. Keep your heart open, but hold it tight.
Be yourself. Don't wear a disguise. Let them see the real you. No need for lies. Love's like a melody. It's got a flow. Be true. Be kind. Let your colors show. Listen with care. Speak from the heart. It's the dance of romance. That's just the start. You must dress to impress, but keep it cool. A touch of class. That's the golden rule. Pick a place where you both can shine. A touch of fun. This is from Millionaire Sidney. Bro, what? That's two girls' names. Okay, Mav.
He literally stole that from Lil Wayne. What? Lil Wayne ain't writing nothing. Is that Lil Wayne's? No, it's not Lil Wayne. Is it Lil Wayne's? No, it's just a song I already wrote. Okay. My commandments. Here's my dating advice commandments. Yeah. If your boyfriend flies halfway across the United States of America or Texas to surprise you just for you when he gets there,
Don't cry and slam the door in his face. Oh. That would be a rude thing to do. Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? However, if the circumstances were that you had a suspicion he was coming because at 10 o'clock in the morning he turned his location off at the LA airport...
And then the flight is supposed to be three hours because a flight from Los Angeles to Dallas, Texas is only three hours and it's 10 in the morning. So he should be at your house no later than about 2 o'clock in the afternoon. But it is now 10 o'clock at night and he still has not shown up and his location is still off and you have not heard from him all day. That's crazy.
You assume he flew somewhere else and he's doing something you should not be doing because he never texted you and he never told you, oh, my flight got delayed. Oh, I missed my flight. He never told you anything. So then you decide, I can't... So text his brother and ask. No. No, you didn't do that, did you? No, no.
This is a very... This is a very hypothetical thing. If it happened. If it happened. And you had been sitting at home all day waiting for him to come and surprise you and you never showed up and you just assumed that something bad was happening. She's finishing her poem. Finish your poem.
Then you decided, well, I've been sitting here for 12 hours. I'm just going to go for a little drive. And you get on the road and you start driving and you start crying because you're upset because you haven't heard from him in all day and he's not at your house and he's not at his house. So where is he? Somewhere in America, you assume, but probably not. Then you get a call from your younger sister who says...
Hey Kate, where are you? And you're really upset. Oh, just, hey girl, my name, because this is not very specific at all. Hey, where are you? You say, oh, I'm just on a drive. Well, come back. Why? Come back. Why? Come back right now. I need you at home. Why? Come back right now. I'm really upset. Come back. Okay, fine. I'll be there in five minutes. And you get home and you're very upset.
And your boyfriend, who has ghosted you all day, is standing there. But not Cash. Not Cash. He's standing there. And, you know, maybe he has wholesome heart and he's like, surprise! And then his loving girlfriend slams the door in his face. Because it was a hard thing. And you know what? Maybe all that hypothetical situation could have been avoided if commandment number two, have trust.
I do have trust. Harper, I can hear everything you're reciting to yourself. Harper, I got a question for you. Yeah? If you were dating a guy, let's say a guy, maybe...
I don't know. Maybe it could be any guy. Okay. Right. Yeah. Let's just say, where is this guy? A dude, a dude, right? Like the male specimen. Male type of guy. Oh, a wizard came to you and he was like, listen, wizards aren't real. This would never happen. It's, it's, listen, he says, listen, I'm one of y'all. Say a witch. Witches are real. Okay. Witch, witches. We'll do that. All right. So a witch, not Kate, but a witch. I'm sorry, babe. I love you. Let's,
Let's be nice for the rest of this episode. Oh, y'all did the same thing Maverick and that guy did in Austin. You have to make a decision. You can either gain 20 pounds. This is a good question. Or he can gain 20 pounds of muscle. And he's built like the last guy you liked, whoever your crush was. Just like a normal... Do you want 20 pounds of muscle on him? Or...
No. Or wait, no, no. No, no, the thing is he loses 20 pounds of muscle. I don't remember how much. He doesn't got much muscle. Here's the question. I came up with the question. Would you rather your man gain 25 pounds, or say 20, 20 pounds of muscle, but you gain 20 pounds of fat, or would you rather...
That was it. That was it. It's just, would you, would you. I'd rather him. It's like, would you rather nothing happen or that? Nothing happened. It's really more of a question for guys. Do you want 25 pounds of muscle? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Here's, now here's the, no. Okay. Now, would you rather be 20 pounds? Would you rather? I'm so tired of hypothetical questions. Would you rather? Here's the flip flop version. Would you rather be 20 pounds closer to, up or down to your ideal weight, whatever that is, or your boyfriend gained 20 pounds of fat?
Would you rather be 20 pounds closer to your goal, up or down, but your boyfriend will gain 20 pounds of fat? Would you do it? No. You can stay right where you are. No. And everybody can stay right where they are. Yeah, you can stay right where you are right now. But you can be 20 pounds closer to your goal. But your boyfriend gains 20 pounds. Either Cash gains 25 pounds of fat or you gain 15 pounds of fat. Which one are you doing? You just completely switched the question. No, I just want to know which one she's going to pick. Okay, Matt, switch the question. Yeah, okay. He gains 25 pounds or you gain 15. Which one are you picking?
- Probably him just 'cause he can lose weight easier. He got sick for two days and lost two pounds. - You're stuck with it forever. - Yeah, it will not be lost. - Well, he'll turn it into muscle then. - Nope, nope. - I just said it won't be lost. - It'll be fat forever. - All right, ready? - I really, I just, I don't care. - You don't care? - Cash, you get 25 pounds of muscle. - It's just not worth the shit. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. You get 25 pounds of muscle. - Wait, wait, wait, Matt, can you repeat that again? - You get 25 pounds of pure muscle. - Oh, wait, can you repeat that one more time? - Shut up!
No, no, go ahead and say it one more time. But Kate... I want to hear the muscle part. Gosh, stop. You get 25 pounds of muscle, but Kate gains 15 pounds of fat. Are you doing it? I would say... Can you repeat the muscle part one more time? You'll be over 200 pounds. Gosh. I feel like I'm making Harper mad. You're making me mad. Jake, guys, you're making me mad.
- I wanna jump down the stairs. - Hey guys, I was just asking you to do something. - You want to jump off the stairs? - What if we like ball ourselves up and roll down? - Why are y'all mad at me? I didn't do anything. - Ready guys, I'm ready for my poem. - Wait, to answer your question,
Man, I hate to ask you to repeat it, but... That's it. I kind of forgot it. Let's go over the stairs. Can you repeat it for me? What do you got, Harper? No, we're done! You don't get to... I'm not repeating it. It's over. No, please. Please, man. It's over. I'll beg you on my knees. Please, just... Okay.
Harper, please read your poem. I'm okay. Begging on your knees for me. You mess with me? I mess with her. But I'll make sure you get what you deserve. I don't know what song they're singing. I'll be one day.
When I I was there when you didn't care, okay, I was there I
I was there when you didn't even care. When I read all of your texts, you made me feel like a wreck. It made me so twisted up in my words. It was way too absurd. I thought you were mine. The funny thing is when I found out you're cheating, you lie and say you were reading and this is a joke and reciting our vows. Now don't forget how I was there when you were down. I thought you were mine. Why did that almost make me cry? Why did it not end in a rhyme? You didn't rhyme at the end.
It just ended with I thought you were lying. That was hypothetical, right? Well, why didn't it make sense? First of all, if I ever tell you you're reading, I'm definitely cheating. Wait, guys, let's go through each other's drafts. Or I'm lying. I am not reading. That's for sure. Let's go through each other's drafts. What? And not do anything. I want to go through your drafts now. It's funny. It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad, actually. Okay, fine.
No, no, no. I have this as a segment in another episode. You do? Yeah, we're going to do it in the next episode. Wait, are we filming again today? Please, please. She really wants to do it. Oh, my gosh. Save it, save it, save it, save it, save it. Save it. We'll watch it. Guys, come watch like the... Where did you get that? Like two episodes after this, we'll probably be talking about this. You're coming from Safari? Can we film again today? That's crazy. I love filming right now. Oh, my goodness. Because he said he promised me that he would give me something for the next episode.
Give her one. What did you promise her? And whose credit card are you using? It's most likely something towards me or Kate. And I don't want to be... Generally, it involves pain on me when something's hit from...
I wonder if they could have heard that because I couldn't hear that. Well, I definitely did. You heard that? Yeah. You want to know what he said? Yeah. I'm not telling you. Oh, great. Thanks. Appreciate it. I was just wondering. All right, guys. So at least we're probably around midway through the episode. So let's actually give some dating advice here. Okay. Okay. Number one. Guys, my Chipotle is. First, you want to take when you're taking her out. Take her out to a busy. Move your mic up. Take her out to a busy, like loud environment restaurant. What the? It's less talking.
Less stressful for you. That's way more stressful. That is the great advice. Thank you. You got to hear her talk less. Yeah. I'm going to start taking you to busy. Less stressful. I'm sorry. Start taking her to busy restaurants. No, you're so funny. You're funny. So original. That was a joke. It's almost like Maverick just said the same thing. Really original of you.
He's been copying his brother since they were born. It's true. That's crazy because you always copy my jokes. Yeah. Well, never mind. I'm not going to get into that right now. He was going to say, that's not what mom says. That's always his comment. I was honestly in a completely different track of mine. All right. Your dating advice. Let's hear it. Dating advice. Dumb.
Don't do it. That's the first thing. Don't. If you're thinking about dating, don't. Okay? It's probably a bad idea. Probably not going to work out. Just don't even mess with it, to be honest. It's so funny because you guys...
You guys just can't seem to do the dating thing and we're freaking married over here. First off, she's like 12. Second... I'm not 14, 15 actually. I could get married. 14, 15? Wow, you two ages. And I think there's a problem. You're 14 or you're 15? I'm 15. When's your birth... No, you're 14. When's your birthday? March 20th. Actually, it's tomorrow.
Here's the thing. You're not better at dating. You've done the marriage thing. Yeah, you're married, all right? That would mean I'm better at dating. That literally means I won dating. How many times have you dated? I got the accomplishment. No, we're talking about dating. He's good at dating. No, Matt, that's like saying you're not good. You just won. That's like entering the Olympics and saying I've been to the Olympics five times. Never won.
But I could say, I've been to the Olympics, and I have a gold trophy. Yeah, but who's better? The guy who's been five times? The guy who has a gold medal? Yeah, but it's kind of also like this. You think of me as a gold medal? I keep running, and I ran all the way to the Olympics. I am now running in the Olympics, and you ran at your high school track meet and got a gold trophy, and you're like, I'm great. See, I got a gold trophy. How is that relatable at all? Because dating, no matter what, is always the same thing.
If I wanted to go get married, I could go get married right now. No, you couldn't. What are you talking about? Not happily. You said you couldn't. Not happily. And first off, who said you're happily married? I did. We're happily married, right? I'll be begging on your knees for me. Right now? I'm just kidding. One day. Why do you think her voice is gone, guys?
Because we filmed an episode. She'd be yelling at him all the time. They'd just be yelling. She does yell at me a lot. No. I get yelled at all the time. No. Because right before this. I get yelled at every day. No. Because right before this. No. We filmed an episode where I performed a one-woman show, and there was a lot of yelling at my one-woman show. You guys want to know why she yelled at me yesterday? Why did she yell at you yesterday? Because I won't buy a car.
I'm wondering about that. No, Mav, get this. Yeah, exactly, Mav. We have a car. One car is not good enough. No, listen. Oh, my gosh. First of all, she's still living in poverty. No, listen. Harper, we're going to have to take your phone. Listen, we had two cars. I don't like dating advice because I just don't have a boyfriend. Yeah, that's why you should listen. You should be all ears right now. Kate is not a brat. Kate is a good girl. Great wife. Great wife. And can I tell you what happened to her?
One of Cash's best friends told me the other day, he said, if Cash didn't marry her, I would have. Who said that? He told me not to repeat it. Oh. And it was his mind. His mind. His mind. His mind told him that? Mm-hmm. That's weird, man. No, it was our other friend, but he's married too, so don't worry about it. Oh, okay. Okay.
Oh. All right. Well, let me defend myself. We had two cars and then I'm not going to name names, but somebody accidentally totaled the truck. And so now we have one car in the insurance company. That's a shame. The insurance company gave us a check for more money than we paid for that truck.
So now we have a check. She's a rich girl. How much money? I'm not saying that, but we have a check and like naturally he's looking for a car. He's just trying to decide do I want to get this car or this car? He's going back and forth and I'm like, listen, babe.
This car, the car we're driving, we drive a 2012 Chevy Cruze. Oh, man. Someone's whispering to me again. Listen, I'll tell you this right now. We're in mid-story, dog. Let me finish this. So I'm like, the car is like, you know, it's getting a little bit older. I've already had it. Like, there's some things that have gone wrong. And I'm like, look, the check engine light is on. He's like, it's fine. It's been on forever. And I'm like, no, the check engine light is on. He's like, it's fine.
So today, I went to go get our car inspected, because you have to do it once a year in Texas. And it failed the inspection, because the check engine light was on. And now we have to put it in a shop. And that was my whole thing yesterday, was I was like, our car is going to go to the shop soon. I know it.
So, like, we should just... You can see the anger. Like, why she was yelling at him. No, because the car is going to go to the shop soon, and I knew it. I was like, there's, like, something's off. It's gonna have to go to the shop soon. It's fine now, but it's gonna go soon. You know, because Kate's a mechanic. So, she went out and diagnosed the car and said, yeah, it's gonna go to the shop soon. I knew it. Joe has something to tell all of y'all. What do I have to say? That you're making so much noise? Yeah, we're gonna have to do your bike. Here's my thing, Kate. No, we win. If you...
keep going down the path you're going right now all right that's such a funny way to phrase whatever you're about to say yo bro we're gonna unplug your mic no no because i just joe has to bribe you if you keep going out what do i have you're going right now no no no joe's ready now
Did she tell you something to say? Yeah. Yeah, that's okay. Say it. She said you should buy Kate a mom car. I have? No. Listen, like I said, if you continue going down the path you're going right now, one, your car may not make it. Repeat it one more time. No. Two, two, this path you're going down, I've seen where it ends.
If you pressure him to get a car, you're going to end up with the exact same car you have now. Just a different version. It's going to be another 2012 Chevy Cruze. If you are patient, you might let him pick a car that is actually nice. But if you pressure him, he is cheap and he will go get another crappy car. It's not crappy, bro. So you have to back off. My car is not crappy. It's trash. When it rains outside, it's trash.
inside the car. Nothing works. Only when it rains heavy, man. Listen, when it rains hard. I wonder if that's what people think we drive. Would y'all assume we drive a 2012 Chevy Cruze? No, I would think y'all would drive like a Porsche.
No, it's far from it. It's actually like as far as you can get. The left and right side, it leaks in, but that's only when it rains hard. Normal rains, it's fine. It's so trash, the government said it's not safe for the road. Says the guy with a Tesla. Yeah, my wife has a Tesla, bro. Yeah, and if you want to be like me. Yeah, our driveway, we have a nice Tesla, and then we have our Chevy Cruze that's barely leaking in. Why are y'all asking my car? Our car is not good. You know, it's your car too, sweetheart. I agree. Listen, his dirt bike in Sea-Doo's probably cost more than my car, let's be honest. Uh,
You got some toys. No. Yeah. My Sea-Doos are, you know what is crazy actually? It's a canoe. My Sea-Doos and when I bought my truck before someone crashed it were the same price as your, I bought two Sea-Doos. Jet ski. Yeah, you're right. I bought two jet skis, a trailer and a truck for the same price of your one car. You're pricing my car as if it was new. It's a used car. You bought it new. You bought it new. It has 50,000 miles on it. You bought it new though.
But that's not what it's worth. But you bought it new. Yeah, you paid that. I'm saying what my car in the driveway is worth. Oh my gosh. And what your seat is. Okay, that's a stupid argument, Maverick. That's a stupid thing to say. Y'all paid the same amount of money. You paid that money three years ago. He paid that money last year. Y'all paid the same amount. And he got a truck, a trailer, and two jet skis. Harper, would you rather a 2019 truck
Two 2019 seat jet skis or just a Tesla? Bro, no way. Just a Tesla. Well, you're asking her. What do you mean? Yeah, and...
Guys. What do you mean no way? We should just film another episode. It cost that much? What? You could do, you could get both of those for the price of his car. Yes, my car knew. He's had my car for four years. His car knew. For three years. His car knew I got a 2019 truck and two 2019 jet skis for the same price as his car. Three years ago. Three, three years ago. Wait, but I got an idea. Like,
Like we should sit up with the camera secret message. She keeps trying to tell me in my ear as y'all are talking. Y'all heard it throughout the episode. She wants to film another episode after that is just crazy wild because honestly though, I'd want to film another episode too. If I was her me, but if not, I got you next time, please. Okay. I promise. Please, please, please, please. That's so sad. She's being let down.
I'm being let down too if we don't film another one to be honest. I want to know what you got. I really want to know what's going to happen. My favorite episode of all time. Let's film another one. But anyways, my car. Listen, I'm shopping for a car. Kate's just very impatient. And I don't know if we should get a truck or a Tesla. Those are the two I'm deciding between. Get a Cybertruck. Yeah, I would, but it's not out yet. That'd be the best of both worlds. But it's...
I don't know which one we want, if we want a Tesla or a truck, and I can't decide. And she's pressuring me. Well, I'm just more like our car. First of all, it failed the inspection. A lot of cars fail inspections, man. I've never had a car fail the inspection, okay? Every time I've gone, they've all passed, and I've been street legal. And if you're the U.S. government hearing me say this, just close your ears. No, I thought you were bougie your whole life. Listen, my cars fail inspections a lot. What?
First of all, did you see the car I drove before I was with you? The car I drove before I married you and we started sharing this car? That was worse than the car. It was way worse, I know, and I've acknowledged that. And my poor sister, thoughts and condolences go out to you, sweetheart. No, please stop fighting. I hate seeing you guys fight. What the fuck?
I just, Matt, do y'all not see the irony when last night I was like, we need to figure something out. This car is going to go to the shop soon. And today I take it to get the inspection and the guy goes, you got to take it to a shop before it'll pass inspection. It was pretty crazy. Last night she goes, we got to get a second car because this one's going to go to the shop eventually. Then we're going to be out of a car. We got to get the second one. Like you got to get it soon. And the next day it goes to the shop, which was today. Harper, are you worried about him?
What the? I'm really sorry. No, I'm not worried about my car. Are y'all going to be okay?
With one car? That's okay. I said we literally have Maverick's car too. No. What? He's definitely not. Exactly. If we need another car, we can just take it. He's going to drive through days and days. I don't want to be dependent on if Maverick is home, if we can take Maverick's car. I didn't do things. First off, what's mine is his. And what's his is mine. We've always shared everything. I know, but like Tuesdays you leave all day. One day out of the week my car is gone. The rest of the time y'all can use it whenever. Guys, stop fighting. Stop fighting. I can't handle it anymore.
Listen, we have two people that live with us. Well, besides me and Kate. Maverick and my cousin Alex.
Alex and Maverick each have a car. Alex's car just seems off limits. Like I've never been inside Alex's car. It just doesn't seem like a car. It doesn't move. Like Alex just always rides with us and nobody, nobody. I sat in Alex's car for the first time and I was like, dude, I've never been in here. But Alex has a car. Matt has a car. And at worst we could Uber. Like if we had to for like a couple of days. So I just, I just wasn't stressed about having one car.
I'm not either. Harper doesn't even have a car. I'm just saying. She has to walk everywhere she goes. I'm bringing it around. You ever think about that? She used that little scooter. And then I got hit by a car and it broke. So we're done with that. Yeah.
Wait, did you ever get a new scooter? Nope. Did your scooter break in the fight or in the accident? Yes. It says air every time I turn it on. Air? Air. Maybe it's because I put on a few pounds or maybe it's just a word. Put on a few pounds. Yeah. That happened to me and Matt. We would always double up on those scooters and we'd overheat it. Yeah, we overheated a couple. We'd be riding like those electric scooters and they would always be like, they would stay solid for like 15 minutes and after about 15 minutes, like beep, beep.
Do you remember when we went camping and your dad had to come pick us up? I felt so. Did you overheat the scooter? No. We were camping. You were with us. We ran out of battery. I think all three of us were on it. No.
No. All three of us on a scooter? That's crazy. I remember what happened. Me and Kate were doubled up on one, and you were on one. And mine and Kate's overheated. So then we swapped scooters. You took ours, and then we overheated that one that you were on. And then they were both overheated. And then by the time they weren't overheated anymore, they were dead. And we were like two miles away. We had to call dad to come get us. Why not just walk?
Because that's what Harper does. Like a fit couple. We were low-key far away because we just... It was way more than two miles. We got on the sidewalk and we were like, where does the sidewalk lead to? And it was just like, we went far. It was a golf course. Yeah, it was like a golf course and then it just led to... Oh, you can't walk a golf course. That'd be nuts. All those well-being golf courses. I give people that walk golf courses some credit. If you go on there without a golf cart and you're dragging your bag, that is insane.
No? You guys never seen that? I've never been golfing, so I guess I've never... I don't think I've seen anyone drag their bag through the whole golf course. What do you mean? They have a golf cart. Tiger Woods house! No, you don't always have a cart. You ever heard of a... Ah, what's the dude called? A caddy? A caddy? You ever heard of a caddy? They don't get a golf cart, bro. They're just dragging it with them. Guys, do you want to see my new trick? Three, two, one. And on that trick, we're going to end the podcast. Thank you guys so much for watching. We'll see you next episode. Bye!