Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
So you guys are probably wondering, wow, why did you guys get married so young? I can't breathe. That might be why they clicked on this video. That might be why you're here right now. Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon.
Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. So let me tell you. I can't breathe.
Poor baby. We were the ages of- SHE DIED! Oh no. She dies a lot. It's okay. She'll come back. They just were really young and wanted to make poor decisions. That's not it. The comment section said y'all got pregnant. Uhhh... WHAAAT? Yes, Kate did get me pregnant. Oh no she did not. She did. So y'all had to rush a wedding. And we had to rush a wedding because we weren't sure when I was gonna give birth. So it took y'all a year. But then we found out it was a false pregnancy test. So I'm not pregnant.
And it's everything's gonna be alright. It wasn't a false pregnancy test. Huh? Y'all just, you had just gained a little weight and you didn't know it. Did you fart on me? No. You literally farted on me. Just like in the back of my second question. Do you regret being married? No, I didn't. I didn't. I literally felt it. Babe, I would not fart on you.
She farted on me. She farted on me the other day. What? Yesterday. Oh my gosh. No, she did. Didn't you? Twice. I would divorce that. She did it twice. She was sitting on top of me and she farted twice. Oh! The first one I said, that's understandable. The second one, I was like, what? I literally was editing the podcast this morning where you literally said you never fart. Yeah. That's not true. Then what happened, Kate? What happened?
I fart all the time. Can't tell me he's making this up right now. No, she farted on you. I told him he was making it up. Did you not fart on me? No, I did not. Yes, you did, and you know it. She's embarrassed. No. Are you embarrassed? No, she's embarrassed. She's really trying so hard to make it up. Then what was the... Oh, God. It was...
Is that noise too? No, it was it was that noise. Oh, I feel so bad for your wife, bro. Oh, no, dude. No, she ripped one. I feel bad for you. No, yeah. I get farted. This is my life. This is my life. I get farted on and everybody's like, I feel bad for Kate. What do you mean? I was the one that almost got beat by. Like, how do you feel bad for her? Honestly, I think you have it good. Like, imagine Harper married and farting. What?
What are you watching right now? No, take away her phone again, Poe. No, no, no. Wait, was Diana's death? Who's Diana? Princess Diana. Was Princess Diana's death really an accident? That's what you were watching on the pod? You need to know that information right now? That's a good question. I don't even know who Princess Diana is. What really happened to Amelia Earhart?
That's a good question. Yeah, what really happened? What did they say? I don't know. Can you get off of me? Okay, we're talking about why we got married so young and we need to show that we're in love. Should it literally crush me? First of all, I lost 10 pounds because of my sickness, so I'm lighter than I've ever been. Wait, actually? I did. When I was sick, I lost 10 pounds in three days. And?
I've eaten like a horse and I haven't been able to put it back on. Do horses eat a lot? I've eaten like a cow and I haven't been able to put it back on. Like a pig. Is that what it is? Probably. I think I've eaten like a pig and I haven't been able to put it back on. And you know how much I've ate and ate and ate and I lost 10 pounds? You ate eight? I lost 10 pounds in three days. Did I say that part? 16. Where did Marilyn Monroe's body go when it was missing? No, take her phone away.
That's it. You're grounded. Anyways, fine. I lost three pounds. No, wait. I lost 10 pounds in three days. And that was about two weeks ago. And I have eaten so much since then. And I still... I've only gained two more pounds. I'm negative eight. How has this affected your marriage? I don't know. Well, it's affected my marriage as in the way because, you know...
I need to eat more. And she doesn't understand how much I need to eat. Yeah. So she doesn't make me the right amount of portions. Oh. And when she's cooking for me, I end up eating all of it. And she's like, why are you eating all of it? Because I'm malnourished. And she doesn't understand that. You know what happened? She's never been malnourished. So she doesn't understand how I feel. Are you saying she's fat? No.
She's never been malnourished? I mean, she's got reserves on her dump truck. You know what I mean? I don't have those. I'll prove it to you right now. I don't have reserves. That's quite all right. No, you know what happened? If I had reserves, I wouldn't need to eat so much. But wait, let me finish. But when I don't have enough, it starts eating my muscles and my bones away because I have a... What's that called? I have a...
I have a metabolism disorder. Disorder? I have to eat a lot. Can somebody fix this so I don't have to hold my mic? Wait, Joe, can you hear through mine? It's bad. I think it's like double coming through because it's so close. Yeah, I don't think we can have two. Here, I'll readjust. How about you get up? Wait, no. Can you just like make his arm longer? How about you get up like a big boy? Just take it off and hold it. I'll do that. I don't know. Listen, the truth is, guys, Cash and Kate got...
No, I needed to feed myself as a wife. No, I needed to feed myself as a wife. He said, he said, she doesn't feed me. Wait, wait, wait. Let me hold the mic for you. She doesn't feed me at all. Y'all want to know what I fed him? Bro ate a whole pound of ground beef. No, no, no. A whole pound? A pound of ground beef.
ground beef and like that's what you put in hamburger helper. You eat the whole pot of hamburger helper all for himself. I was like okay I'm gonna let it cool. No. Yeah. And my mom never understood. My mom was like you don't need a third bowl. I was like yes I do because of my deficiency problem. I literally said I said
I made a pot of hamburger helper and I was like, okay, it's going to cool. And I said, cash is ready if you want to come get some. And I was going to go take a shower. I was going to eat some and I came back and it was all gone. Well, that's exactly. So I just didn't eat dinner that night. I think that's what he's mad about.
That's what I'm mad about. Listen. I say she doesn't make me enough portions. Listen, the last three nights in a row, what have I ate? Hamburger helper. So wouldn't you think by the third night that you should probably make more? You know what I'm saying? Like if I ate three nights in a row, I ate all of it. Is this the biggest problem in your marriage? Yeah, we have a pretty good marriage besides the hamburger helper. You know what? I bought...
of hamburger meat. And it's in our freezer. And I can't just put four pounds on the stove for one night. No, but you know what you can do? You can tell us why you decided to get married at 18. Oh, yeah. Because that's why everyone's here. Oh, I forgot about that. So, the reason I got married at 18, we all know. So, tell your reason. Because no one believes that you were pregnant. Amazing. Wait, that was my story. Go ahead, tell yours. Um,
I'm going to cry. So I really wasn't interested in getting married. And then one day Cash was scrolling on his phone and he opened up his bank account and I got a glimpse. And that's when I was like. First of all, that was my bank account. I'm kidding. What if Kate got married to Mav? You know, I've always wondered that. What? This house would be a wreck.
That's actually why she's why he proposed. Yes, I had to propose quick before you know something else happened before he stole her No, I'm just kidding. No, I've never been scared of that in my life. It's Mavs Mavs Riz game I'd be surprised if he even pulls a female at this point. What? Just like the male. I danced with one guy and you say that And he told him to put his hand out like this. Okay guys
The reason- I feel like this is a weird position. I want you out of that position. I want you back over here. Yeah, I've been trying. I need you to go. Alright, fine. Hold on guys. Bear with me while I switch positions. Just bear with him for a couple seconds. Yeah. Wait, the mic's falling. Mic help! Mic falling! I'm switching positions woman, hold on. What? This is much better. She sounds like she's giving birth.
just are you pregnant no you just crushed my freaking body hey there's a chair okay okay let me let me sit where the man's supposed to sit guys this is ridiculous i just want to i just we got to tell them the reason we got married at 18 we got to stay with the story yeah i lost three pounds this week and
Okay, sweetheart sit down. I was just joking. I feel like it's weird for me to sit on his lap You're not sitting on my lap. You're sitting right here cuz I'm so skinny in that little corner. I think I've realized they're the problem It's not us very much. They're the ones I can't tell a story. Okay? This is the story Much bigger than a middle school
I'm dude not me. I'm not not the rate. I'm losing weight Yeah, just don't pianist can you can you just say in your spot I
Do you not see my baby chair? Gay normal chair! No. Bro, I'm gonna be the one! After all that situating! Sit right here. Okay. Tell them why you married me. Gosh, I would be so- Go ahead. I don't want to do that. Remember because I'm amazing and- I was about to say, it seems like he's like, we rehearsed this. And you couldn't stand life without me. And remember, I was better looking than Maverick, so you wanted me to- Why am I in this? Please leave me out of this. That's weird, guys.
Okay, go. Oh, because he was... You guys were a happy married couple. All right, come on. Ew. It was so amazing. And she's going to get a pimple there. She's going to get a new freestyle or something. A freestyle or something. No, okay. Okay. Jokes aside, everyone. Kate's going to tell you why we got married now. I got married. At 18. Moment. Dude, I literally need you to get your own scene. Okay, we're just going to have to deal with it for right now. Okay, go ahead. Shows her back now. Go ahead.
I got married because I thought it would be a fun thing to do at 18. So why did you think it was so fun? Babe, they have watched all this time to hear the reasoning. We need to give them more. Give them more. Listen, I don't know what y'all want from me. I started dating him and I wanted to marry him. Is she about to cry? Well, she gets sentimental when she talks about me. So it's okay. I know, it's hard.
But you're gonna have to open up about your feelings. - She's getting shy. - Or she just gets sad when she thinks about why she married you.
I haven't figured it out yet. I can't. I know you can't, but you're going to have to. No, sit down. To the 17-year-old that's thinking, as soon as I turn 18, I'm getting married. Yeah, don't do it. Okay. What? I mean... She's getting shy. What do you mean, don't do it? Well, you haven't given them very many reasons to do it, now have you? So maybe you should give them some. Listen, I am a great wife.
She cooks, she cleans. I don't think Cash started with, I'm a great husband. Yeah, hold up. That's not what marriage is about. It's not about bragging. It's about what we think. Cash literally told me he married you for the tax benefits. They are pretty good. And I married you. That's not what he told me.
I married her for a lot of benefits, but some are better than others. Okay, go ahead. I just, I literally, he said, if we get married, you will get access to a credit card. And I said, okay. That's not why I said, can you be for real for a second? I haven't been joking this whole time. I've been serious, and I've been trying to make this a good, loving podcast episode. You remember that headache I have? You were yelling in my ear right now. Sorry, all right, go ahead. That's why she keeps looking away. Okay. All right, guys, I fell in love with Cash, and I wanted to be his wife.
not by force not by force and i didn't want to um like i didn't want to wait until i was like in my late 20s to get married when i knew i wanted to get married oh why but don't you feel like you're gonna miss out on the college experience um college seems like the worst thing that i could have ever experienced what about just like the experience of being like a young adult and like going out i am a young adult but you don't go out but like going out and partying with other guys you
Partying with other guys is not on my roster. I mean it was on my roster But I didn't get many invites not many guys liked me that way. Oh god. Oh wait girls. Did you fart bro? No, no It literally smells so bad It's his breath. I did you know it might be I meant to brush my teeth before the episode I really did mean to brush my teeth before the episode. That's crazy What are you doing? You can't have that mic. She wants it down here. No, I
We'll sit right here. Matt, Harper, do you guys have any questions of why we got married so young? Okay. When you got married, you had to, I assume, ask her parents. Can you hear my phone? How did that go? My cellular device. Oh, how'd that go? Because I'm just thinking if a 17-year-old came up to me and was like, hey, I want to marry your daughter. I'm going to be like, no kid. Yeah, so when I asked,
Especially when he tells me his job is Instagram. I'm going to be like, no. I do Instagram. Yeah, when I asked her dad if we could get married, well, he only said... No. He only said four words. Four words? Those must have been some important words. He said four words when I asked. Okay, I was 16 years old when Cash asked him. Yeah, so Harper, she was only a year and a half older than you.
Getting married. That's crazy to think about. Wow. That's a child. Imagine some guy. She was fresh out the crib. That's my sister's age. No, younger than my sister. A year younger. Yeah. My sister getting married right now would be so weird. When does your sister turn 18?
Next year. Yeah. We asked to get married when she was 16, which is crazy to think about. That is psycho. And so I go to him. I would have honestly as a dad been like, yeah, sure, whatever. It's not going to happen. Like, sure. If that's your dream, buddy, think about it. But knowing like, yeah, they're kids. They'll break up. Yeah.
What's wrong? I'm just so... I'm just... I can't. She's uncomfortable with you. Just let me sit. You make her uncomfortable. Just let me sit in the other chair. She doesn't like how you are. So, when I asked her dad to get married... I just... I can't. Just let me sit in the other chair. Yes, you can. Just sit up straight. Good posture. Posture? There you go. I feel like...
A middle school couple? This is not normal. For everybody in the comment section that's like, why don't they act like a couple? I'm trying. I'm trying. I can't. She doesn't want me. When I asked her father for her hand in marriage...
It was, first of all, very intense because he's just always in the garage. And so I had to go out to the garage. I was like, okay, here we go. You're like acting like you know what these tools do. You're like, yeah, yeah. I was like, I'm going to go ask him if I can marry his 16-year-old daughter. What could go wrong? I go out there and I was like... That's crazy. Hey, man.
What you doing? You guys were so young. Y'all were just upstairs watching Elmo. And you're like, I'm going to go ask to marry your daughter. And I was like, so what would you think about me and Kate getting married in the near future? And he stops what he's doing. He just drops it. And he's like, and he was like, he just turns around to me. I'll never forget this moment. He just turns around to me and he goes, I'll think about it.
And then he, I'm not even kidding. He turns right back around and keeps doing what he was doing. I was like, don't think about it. Okay. And his back's to me again now. And I was just like, I think we're going to go finish Barney. Yeah. I was like, I'm just going to go back inside. And I don't, I didn't get an answer for like a week or two. And then I was like, do I ask him again? Did he forget about it? Like, I don't know what to do. And then he, and then he finally, he like called me into the garage one day and he was like, I thought about it.
That's good. That's good. And he was like, all I ask is that you wait until she's at least 18. So that's a crazy low bar, by the way. So we did. We got married two days after she turned 18.
- Two days after her birthday we got married. - Hey, don't be an overachiever or anything. You know, two days. - We did wait the two days. So it was a win-win. - And did you, like, how did the conversation go with the rest of the family? - Hold on. Kate's very uncomfortable. - So there's a lot of allegations saying, like, why would you get married? - Allegations? - Yeah. - Do you know what allegations are? - No. - Okay. - I love you so much, but I just did not love that seating arrangement.
So, how did the conversations go with the rest of the family? My lips are so chapped. So, when the rest of the family found out we were getting married... Mom and... Yeah, it was kind of awkward because, you know, her other sister thought we were going to be getting married. And so, I had to break the news to her that I chose this sister. What? And the... That's crazy. That's not true at all, by the way. The brothers...
Well, one of them didn't find out until like six months later after we were engaged. Michael? Yeah. No, the other one, Zach. He didn't find out? No. And he was like, nobody told me this. Everybody's like, I don't know. Y'all never told him? Well, he lives in Arkansas. Who goes there? So you can't text him? Yeah, but like... I don't remember what happened. People in Arkansas just disappear. Like, who's in Arkansas? My dad. That's crazy. My dad moves away.
No, he doesn't. Your dad lives at your house. Oh, he doesn't. Not anymore. Yes, he does. No, don't believe her, guys. Her dad lives at her house. She's a happy family. No, she goes up to Arkansas for work trips. She? My dad. Yes. I shouldn't have said that. It's a secret. Anyways. Yeah, so most of the family was pretty cool about it. Your mom didn't really care. Your dad seemed stressed. Yeah.
Your sister's mad, understandably. Shut up. Your brother, he didn't really care. I think he thought it was cool. And then your oldest brother, yeah, he was just a little confused why nobody told him ever. I can see Harper getting married at 18. No. No? I don't want to get married. I don't want to. After Ariston, God, I can't get over him. A little heartbreak. Yeah. I promise he gets better. He doesn't. He'll be okay. Look at your life. Hey, you're no...
I got to stop. What'd she say? She said, look at your life.
It doesn't get better. That is true. I mean, she did get you there. It has not gotten better for you. Actually, I met a girl. No, you didn't. Actually, me and Harrison had a conversation in the hallway today. Stop trying to talk everything I say. What did y'all talk about in the hallway today? He said, hi, Harper, and I didn't say anything. Good. I flipped him off. Oh, no. No. I'm kidding. I didn't do that. With hand hearts. With hand hearts. I actually didn't do that. I didn't talk to him because I can't. So the whole conversation was just hi, Harper? I wonder.
if one day I can actually talk about what he did. Probably not. I really want to. Yeah, eventually she will be able to. I think we should just keep his name out of our mouths, guys. No, like... No, I think Matt might be right on this one. The world is going to go silent once they find out what he did. No one's going to... No, he didn't do nothing. All right?
He did a lot. No, he did, Mav. Did you not hear? All right, Mav. Wait, what were you saying? I said I met a girl and then she just blew me off. Oh, well, yeah. Nobody really believed that one. It's true. No, you didn't. I did. Where'd you meet her? Instagram. So you didn't meet her? No, I didn't. We've been talking. Have you met her in real life? Well, no. So you have not met her? Well, I was right. He did not meet a girl. No, I met a girl and she's very nice. My lips. Have you FaceTimed her? No. Dude, stop playing with the rug. What?
What's her name? Trinity. Okay, no. Oh, no. I knew a Trinity once. What? She had huge... Never mind. What? No, never mind. Huge what? No, sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't. Huge lips? Yes. That was what I was going to say. Oh, that matches perfectly. No, you guys know her. I know. Yeah. I know. Huh? I know this girl. Giant. Giant.
Huge. Sorry. Go ahead, Matt. What were you saying? Huge ears? Yeah. I mean, I wasn't really saying much. I was just saying I met a girl. I hope it's not. Well, maybe you do. Different trinity. Oh, it's a different one? Yeah, this one's from Oklahoma. Oh.
Well, maybe it is. Oh, no. Why would you choose an Oklahoma girl? No, no, no, no, no, no. Bro, what is that where you dissing states? Listen, I'm from Oklahoma. You diss my home state. I was born and raised in Oklahoma my entire life. You're not from Arkansas. And then I looked around and I said, I got to get out of here. And I moved to Texas. I got to go my own way. Yeah, except for he's contradicting himself because I got a charm bracelet for Christmas. I want to see that. What is it? Oh, yeah, this was crazy. I'll show you it after. No, go ahead, Kate. Tell them about our nice love story.
It's James Avery. Tell them about our cute little date to James Avery. Yeah, so I was like, I want you to pick out a charm for my bracelet. And he was like, okay. Wait, wait, pause. Did you guys hear that? What did Kate say? Pick out a charm for my bracelet. I want you to pick out a charm for my bracelet. Yeah. That's what she told me. Okay. So I happily got in the car and happily drove to James Avery to spend $80 on a little nugget that's this big. Okay? They charge you $80 for a piece of metal that is this big. $80. They charge...
You $280 for a charm. Okay, Harper, no need to flex on us right now. My charm nugget was $280. Anyway, so she asked me to pick out a charm I like for her bracelet. Let me finish. And this is what she did to me. He was like, this is the one I want. And I come over. Lo and behold, can you guess what charm he picked out for me?
an i heart oklahoma charm he wanted to put on my charm bracelet i'll see what's wrong with that i'm from oklahoma nope you just switched up no what you just trashed oklahoma he want yeah but it's still my home state gotta represent he wanted me to put and everyone knows my opinions on oklahoma i don't vibe with oklahomans like i'm literally from there like what does that even mean
You're right. You do vibe with them. Trust me, we vibe. Everyone that lives in this house except you is from Oklahoma. All three of us. Actually, everyone in this room is Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Arkansas. And where are you from? Oklahoma. That's what I thought. Oh, she is. No, she is from Oklahoma. You're such a cat. No, no, no. She was born there. She was born there. No, you were not. Yes, she was. Yes, she was. No, you were not. Yes, she was. No, they told us that. I think that's actually true. It is true. I'm not buying that. Okay, it is true, but... No. No.
My grandparents are. Oh, so she's a bloodline. Your bloodline. So she originated from Oklahoma. No, my dad's from there, and that means I'm from there. Yeah, so she's got strong Oklahoma blood. Yep. Why is it on it? What, Indian? Yes, I'm part of the Cabivera tribe. You're part of a tribe? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I've always wanted to be part of a tribe. Dude. Oh, my gosh. I'm really.
No, dude, I always wanted to be part of that. Why? Are you part of a tribe? What did she say? Wait, are you part of a tribe? You're from Arkansas. Don't say anything else. What did she say? Wait, say what tribe it was. Capybara? What's so funny, bro? I don't understand. I really wish I knew what was so funny. Because I thought it was a little bit funny. But I didn't get this vibe. That was good. That was good.
No, she is part of a tribe. I don't understand. No, oh, I know what it is. They don't think you're actually part of a tribe. Oh, wait, where's it fake? No. Wait, it's not a real tribe. No way. It's an animal? No, that's a capybara. I'm part of the capybara tribe. No, she is.
back her she's part of a tribe it's a real tribe what is going on no oh my gosh if you guys don't know oklahoma has it's just full of a bunch of indians that have tribes and everybody has their own tribe okay i've never had a tribe no one's ever invited me into their tribe maybe you're part of the wichita blackfoot
Blackfoot? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Slightly. He is. Not you. I'm slightly Blackfoot tribe. Like 1%. Oh, man. Grandma was like 6. And if you're enough a percent of an Indian in a tribe, you get given money. Yeah. Straight from Indians. Bro. There's one Indian tribe...
Up in... Yo, your mic is blocking everything. It's an Indian tribe up in like... It's like in Michigan or something. Michigan, yeah. This is crazy. Everyone that has the blood of this whatever tribe, I don't know if it would be like full blood or whatever, they get like... What was it? It was like $80,000 a month. Yeah, it was like $80,000 a month. Where did the Indians get that? For just being... I was like, I gotta go cut me one of them women. If you're born, and you're like...
enough blood in you or whatever you're the Indian you literally get a check for 80,000 every single month cuz like the Indian tribe like even when you're one years old when you're one your day the day you're born you start getting it yeah it's crazy where do they get the money? we have other friends that are part of other tribes and they get like some of them get like 2,000 a month like I get like no you don't get anything I do no you don't she might you don't get the Capybara tribe are y'all like there's
No, okay, wait wait how much money you get me I get like $100 a month or something like that I don't know. No, it's like 123. She's such a good liar. No crazy. What? No, she's I don't think she's lying. I'm not lying Blackfoot tribe really that's real. Okay
Yeah, but the names are always crazy. I just checked it up the capybara tribe doesn't exist. Listen, it doesn't. I know. No, I might be pronouncing it wrong. Wait, wait, wait. If you called your mom, I've read multiple books on it. Would she say yeah? Yes, but he took my phone. Oh. She's lying. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Capybara? I think it's like the capybara or something like that. Do you know the theme song? There's no theme song to the capybara tribe. All tribes have theme songs.
It's like... So you don't know their theme song? No. No. Because they pay me $100... No, their theme song has like a 1, 2, 3 in it. That's why they pay me $100. This has got to be like racist. Like you're claiming to be part of a fake tribe. No, I am part of the tribe because they pay me $123 a month and they have 1, 2, 3 in their tribe...
You think she would know how much she gets paid? No, you wouldn't. I do. No, you wouldn't. Second of all, you're telling me you get paid 1, 2, 3. I don't understand why you're offending my tribe like that. You can't just make up a tribe. She said they pay me 1, 2, 3. Why can't you make up a tribe? People make up a religion and defend it. I'm starting to try.
And to be part of my tribe, you must pay me. I'm going to flip it around. Everyone that wants to join has to pay me $150 fee a month. For what? For being a part of the tribe. And I'm going to start an amazing tribe. It's like, you know those gym memberships you sign up for? You're talking about a cult? Yeah. I'm going to start a cult tribe. And that's what it's going to be.
Any takers? I smell like 17. What's yours called? The kangaroo tribe? Mine's called the capybara tribe. But like, I... You trying to switch tribes? No. Oh. Capybara. Yours isn't real. Drop it. It's not real. It is!
So funny they bought that that's hilarious You know what every wait it's not of our tribes like a known thing or is that just cuz we live in Oklahoma What do you mean? I did not know about them until I'm not that's what it's called the Ponca's Somebody Google that's a real somebody Google it. That's a real one. Wait, it is. Yeah, no way That's a real one That's not
I'm not joking. It's the Poncas. Their tribe animal is a capybara, and I'm not joking. No, it's not a capybara. Whoa.
Huh? I'm being so serious. Their tribe animal is not a cafe bar. There's no way. The Ponkas aren't from South America. Who even knows what the Ponkas are? I mean, how do we know? I'm actually the Ponkas were up in like northeast. And did you know I live on... No, no. Stop trying to sound like you know it all. Matt said, I think the Ponkas were northeast. I do know. You don't even know what a Ponka is. Yes, I do. And you definitely don't know where their bloodline is, bro. And you know what's funny? My lake house is on Ponka Avenue. I'm not joking. I'm being so serious. So it's fake.
No, I mean there's a Ponca tribe. There is a Ponca tribe, yes, but there's not, first off, their animal's not the capybara. Yeah, it is. They're not from South America. Huh? Yeah, it's not. It is. There's no way. Well, the South American tribes were not named like Ponca. They were named like freaking like. Cabotapa or whatever. No, they were named like freaking the ones down there in Peru. What, what, the Incas and stuff. Like they weren't named like. You're talking about Inca Cola? Yeah.
Where do you think you got that name? Inca Cola? Inca Cola is a soda in Peru. I know because I went there and I drank it. He just called you stupid. Inca's one of the most popular tribes. Okay, listen guys, to be honest, all I really care about is my new tribe. So I want to just explain something real quick. So my new tribe is going to be $150 a month fee. If any of you guys would like to sign up, there will be a link down below. And if you sign up, yes, you have to pay me $150. But for every person you get to sign up, you get $75 of their monthly fee.
What did I put out my cash drive? No, but listen. If you get three people to sign up, you've paid for your membership and you're profiting $75 a month. Anybody want to join? No. That really convinced me low-key. It's a profit tribe. Multimedia marketing scheme. And it all goes to a great cause. Don't call it a scheme because everyone profits. It's a pyramid scheme. And everyone's happy. What are the rules of this tribe? Think about it, Mav.
Say you pay me $150 a month. Yeah. And you get Harper and her to sign up. And you get $75 of those. So now you've paid for yours. And then you get Alex. You're profiting $75 a month from signing up for my tribe. I don't give a crap. I don't sign up for your tribe. I just get three people to give me $150 a month and tell them the same thing. But you don't have my tribe. You don't have like all the stuff. The what? You don't have nothing? No, I'm going to have like...
I'm going to have a logo. I'm going to have a logo. Of a lobster. Listen, I'll hire the same guy that made that logo. And it's going to have like, you'll get. I made that logo. No, you didn't. Don't even say you did. I made the Christmas one. You mean you took the logo and you put a Santa hat on it? No, that's not what I mean. I worked very hard on the Christmas one. It looks like trash. And my tribe name. I'm kidding.
You look like I would say you look like the Wendy's girl But you look like the Wendy's girl on the soda on the cane or on the cup after it's been in the trash Oh, it's like all soggy and everything from the soda. They don't get soggy anymore. The styrofoam. What is the upgrade? Yes My tribe is gonna be called the primos Should I answer? Yeah answer the primos Hello. Oh wait put it up to the mic. Who is this? Show me um
Oh my gosh. They gave out her number? Wait. They shouldn't be doing that. Wait, you don't know who that is? No. Dude. Wait, hold on, pause. Y'all are just talking to fans right now? I don't know who I'm talking to. There's no faces. Hey, show me your face, bro. Are they showing their faces? Well, if you're not going to show your... Okay, I'm hanging up. Wait, let me see. Let me see. Let me see. They're being elusive. Wait, let me see. Let me see real quick. They're being mysterious. Let me see it. Oh, she showed her face. Wait, show your face.
She's under 18. I'm gonna go. Bro, everybody at school gives out my number. Oh my gosh. I know I married Kate, but I still can't be talking to under 18 girls. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. And I'm not taking it back. And I'm gonna say it. I cannot stand the people you go to school with. All of them? Like all 4,000 of them? Literally anybody who's mean to Harper, thumbs down from Kate. Oh no, they got the thumbs down. Oh.
If you're giving out her phone number, Shay D. That is one of the perks in my tribe. You get Harper's phone number for $150 a month. No, guys, like literally everybody you go to school with hates me. Yeah, you're so bored if you're giving out her phone number. Find something better to do. No, everybody hates me at school and I love it. You love it? No, I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm kidding. But hey, at least I got some good friends like y'all. Uh...
you say we weren't your friends what no y'all are my parents oh so we're not your friends i feel for you because i was in public school while being a tiktoker and it was terrible i was in public school up to the second grade and that was rough it was hard that's why i feel so passionate about people being guys you see my lips there's a whole red line over it because they're so chapped
Have you used pink sugar by summer Fridays? Yes, I have it in my school bag. The pink sugar one? People steal it. Exactly. I knew you were going to say that. I literally was like, but people steal it from her. People steal it? Yes. I got Harper's DNA. Wait, they actually steal your chapstick? Yes. From your bag? Yes. Obviously at a public school, they're going to steal a girl with 4 million followers on TikTok. They're going to steal her stuff. Clearly. You would know, wouldn't you?
Kay stole a lot of things. I don't think it's the thief. I mean, I know it's kind of weird. We were shopping in the mall and I was doing something and Kay goes, don't do that. That's what thieves do when they're about to steal something. I was like, how do you know that? What was I doing? Oh, he was like... I said... Oh, go ahead. We were at PacSun and he was like, we had bought in...
I don't even know. Oh, we had taken our sweatshirts off when we were carrying it. Y'all shop at Paxton? No, I attempted. That's a nice store. They had nothing there. Yeah, we walked in there. It's very expensive. But we had taken our hoodies off and then Cash's hat and then we had a water bottle. Our arms were full and we hadn't even started shopping yet. And he was like, oh, let's just ask Paxton for like a shopping bag, an empty shopping bag. Like that's what people who steal do. You ask another store for an empty shopping bag and then you go to other stores and you shoplift. And you know what? That thought has never entered my mind because I've never stolen. I'm sweating so bad right now. Really? I would give you- Harper Field.
No, I'm good. Fine. You want to feel it? Oh my god, it's like dripping. Oh, wow. Ew. Oh man. It's like a little swimming pool up in there. I would literally pay one of you $5 if y'all touch it. Okay. Actually. I would just go. Okay, do it.
You gotta touch the hair. Harper, you don't need $5 that bad. Do it. Harper, you don't need that. Stop trying to get little girls to touch you guys. That's weird. You're paying them now? You can't say stuff like that, Maverick. We all said it. This episode started with how Kate...
Sorry. He liked underage girls then and now he's kind of... I was underage. No, you were 18. Wait, what are you saying, Joe? Were you underage? Yes, he was underage. No, I wasn't underage. She's not like you. I mean, at some point, I was 18 and you were 17. And we had been together for two years by then. Which is legal in Texas. Legal in Texas. I Googled it. Wait, with legal in Texas?
Like, date children. It's like the Romeo and Juliet law where, like, if you guys are dating, and there's, like, I don't know, it's within, like, two years. I know the law very well. I know the law very well. You sound like Trump. So...
So what you do if you want to... No, stop. That's a horrible opening sentence. Trump was approved by Utah or something or Ohio? No, let me restart. Let me restart. So if you find yourself dating an underage person...
What you need to do is go to the Romeo and Juliet law if you live in Texas. What are you saying right now? I'm just telling you what the law is. I'm just explaining the law. Okay, so it's definitely not the Romeo and Juliet law. That law is not what you're going to be talking about right now. Is that not the law? No, that was the other law. Oh. Okay, well, there's a law. If you're within two years apart of the minor and un-minor, so if you're 18 and 17, it's still legal, which obviously it should be. Well, also in the state of Texas, 17 is like...
17 is an adult in Texas. Yeah. It's the new 18. 17 is the age I can say. Would you date an 18-year-old? No. Yes. No, you shouldn't date an 18-year-old. If they had money. And if they were short. You know, my mom was 14 and my dad was, was he 18 or 19? Well, she was a freshman and he was, no, she was in eighth grade and he was a senior.
So how old are you in eighth grade? No! You're like 13. Eighth grade and a senior is crazy. That's crazy. I would not do that. So he was 18 and she was how old? Like 13 or 14. Yeah, so she was like 13 or 14 and he was 18. That's crazy. Imagine being a senior in high school and being like, yeah, I'm dating one of the middle schoolers.
I could not be friends with you. I'd be like, uh. You heard it here first. Did you Google the Romeo and Juliet law yet? That is not the law. Well, whatever the law is. I don't know what the law is. If I was, let me think. 16. So did you know Piper Rockhill, she actually, Levi's 18 and she's 16. Or not Levi. Yeah, Lev. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. You can be 18 and 17 or like, it's like two years is the thing. Yeah.
Yeah, you can be. But also, when you're dating. Because I thought about that. Oh, go ahead. If you start dating when you're like 14 and 16, and then you're together for a couple years, and then the guy, like, he turns 18, and then you're 16, like, that's not illegal. Before you guys got married. This is not legal advice. I do. We don't really know. Oh, yeah. We actually are not lawyers, so don't take anything too seriously. Do y'all have any regrets before y'all got married? Like, do you regret? What the? You can't say that. That's a bad word. Oh, my God.
That is not a good word. It's definitely not an appropriate word. Well, that's what he was, you know... I bleeped it out. Well, now if you bleep it, they're going to think he even said a worse word. I know, that's why...
Before you got married, do you regret being... Wait, wait, wait. Just do one of those little bleep things. And then come to this scene right here. Before you got married, do you regret being what? Scandalous? Scandalous?
You act like I was dressing weird. What do you mean? You mean kissing 30 plus girls? You're kissing lots of girls. No. Why are we talking about this again? And second of all... That's just what Maverick asked. It's just a question. This is supposed to be about our happy marriage. Yeah, I'm asking pre-marriage now.
Well, do you regret it? Do I regret what? Kissing 30 plus girls. Making out with all the women. First of all, they were not women. Yes, they were. Second of all. Some. Some. And second of all, yeah. Like, yes. You regret it? Yes. All of them? I remember asking you like the day after each one and you said, no, I don't regret it. No, you, this is, he's just making up lies again. It's never happened. Mom, do you have summer Fridays? Hey, Matt. What?
Wait, Matt, do you regret your three long-term failed relationships that have taken a total of seven years of your life away and seven years of your money? I do not regret it. You poured so much money and time and effort into? Yeah, but I don't like it. It looks too red. Oh. But it's okay. It looks like I'm just bleeding internally. Well, that's not internally. It would be externally. Ew. That's so cute. Do you know what internally means? What?
I'm surprised you did. Look how ugly it is. Oh, that is red. No, it's cute. That's like lipstick. I know, I don't like it. I'm glad you didn't give me that one, Kate. I need chapstick right now. Guys, I'm just going to put a bunch on, so please don't mind how bad. It's cute. I like it. No, she's looking crazy. Well, when she puts it on like that, but when you mix it in, it just adds like a cute tint to your lips. I think you're putting too much. I think it might be a little, a lot. Yeah, I know. I think you're going to use the whole bottle on accident. Yeah.
Well, that don't look too good. Yeah, you look a little bit like Miranda Sings. Maybe, I don't... I'm not done yet. Oh, yeah. I can't believe you have... She's wasted it already. It's gone. I can't believe you have... You look like a vampire. You look... Oh, it's a bad... Mom's freaking out. It's like your mom wants to have a Friday's bath. You look like, you know, like when those like eight-year-old girls finally find makeup. That's what you look like.
Honestly, it's a look though you're gonna inspire somebody watching this. Oh, yes Oh, yeah, oh the Mean Girls movie. No, I don't know who we did this. I'm here. She's like the main girl the main character and
Like the main mean girl? Oh, the blonde one? Yeah. Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're just a homeschooled jungle freak. Who's a less hot version of me. Mom, mom, does it look weird? I only know that because of TikTok. And then she gets hit by a bus. My mom just lied. She does get hit by a bus. I've seen that come on TikTok. And she just actually... Yo, I was watching a movie. What movie? What was it called? It was Band of Brothers. No, no. The one where he's the pirate.
Pirates of the Caribbean? No, not that pirate. Like the real pirate, like the Simoleon pirates. Oh, yeah. What was it called? Oh, it was called Extortion. Yeah. And anyways, this family, they get trapped on an island. This pirate finds them like a modern day pirate, not like an horror pirate. And he finds them and he's like, I'll get you off the island, but you're going to have to pay me a million dollars.
And the guy was like, what? And anyway, so he takes him to town. He takes the dad into town to like wire him a million dollars. I guess somehow he found a million dollars. And it was like, he didn't have enough. He had like 200,000 or whatever. He pays him.
And then the guy, he takes him out on a boat and he locks him in the boat and he sinks the boat with the dad in it. Because obviously you can't make a guy pay you $200,000 and then just let him go. Like you obviously got to drown him. He gets out of the boat or whatever. Anyways, he finds the, it was the pirate. And then the pirate had an assistant that he hired for the day to drive the boat. And he finds the assistant guy and he's like, where, which Island is my family on? I got to go rescue them or whatever. And the assistant guy is like running. He's like, no, I'm not going to hurt you. I just need to know which Island my family's on.
And he's like, okay, I'll tell you. And he starts walking towards him and just gets hit by a car.
The assistant guy? Yeah. So that was underwhelming. And then while he's dying, he's just lying there and he's like, point at the picture of which island they're on. And the guy's like, that one. And then he just dies. Oh. Yeah. But I'm glad Regina George... Sorry, that story took a lot more time than I thought it was gonna... Had a lot more backstory to it. Well, guys, thanks for watching the podcast. We gotta wrap this up. No, we don't, I guess, but I guess we're ending it short. Peace out, guys. What?