Relationship Flops | Reading Reddit Stories
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Welcome back to Reddit Stories. I'm Shane and today's theme is all relationship fails and/or misunderstandings. And I'm joined by Courtney and Angela. Hey. Hey. Hey. Someone said misunderstanding. Did someone say misunderstanding? I came running. Angela's here which means the reactions are going to be crazy.

No, I'm just gonna go, "Wow, that sucks for them." That's what you do. That's what you do. I feel like if I were to tickle you, you'd stab me. That's the energy you give. I just came to that realization as soon as we started rolling. I was like, "I feel like if I tickled you, you'd stab me." I'd be like, "Get off!" Let's get into it. I love the title of this first one. It's a 24-year-old woman.

My 28 year old boyfriend constantly baby talks. I'm embarrassed. Okay.

This is from our relationships. As the title states, my partner of two years constantly baby talks. At first it was cute, but not anymore. It's embarrassing. I recently started working in the city, so we commute to and from work together during peak times. Every morning on the train, he'd repeatedly tell me he needs to poo in a kiddie voice. He's done this every fucking day since I started the job.

Recently, we were on the train home and he kept doing the kissy sounds to get me to kiss him. And of course, this guy standing next to me kept glancing at us weirdly the whole time. One time, a lady hit me with her huge bag, so he kept pretending to spit in her bag and another lady saw it and was giggling. I don't know how to tell him to stop this behavior because it's gotten out of hand. I'm sick of starting my mornings hearing about how badly he needs to take a poop

times 100. When I tell him that I was tired of hearing it, he starts pouting and saying I don't love him. I'm at my wits end. How can I tell him to stop without hurting his feelings? She's like, I'm tired of hearing it. He goes, No! We've heard some really sad stuff on this show. I think this is the most I've ever felt bad for someone.

How does she do it? Just I can't imagine like because a bus is not a cute place or a train or a subway whatever it is like those are not like cute romantic places to go with him. I have to go. If he says he has to go boo. That's rough.

And sometimes I understand like you don't realize something's weird until suddenly you're surrounded by a ton of people as it's happening. Yeah. What does he mean? What does she mean by they're pretending to spit in the bag? Just like, I don't know. Someone said, if someone even says potty in an adult voice and says, I have to go potty. Oh shit. I do that all the time. Okay. Well, that's embarrassing.

- I've never heard you say I have to go potty. - I say I have to go potty if I have to pee and then if I have to take a crazy shit I say, "I need to use the restroom."

- Come on, my wife. - That's when you know the difference. And I caught that in myself recently, but I used to say I have to go potty. - Yeah, I usually am like, I have to go wee-wee, and then if it's gonna be a mean shit, I put on a full business suit, put on my fedora, grab my suitcase. - And we go, oh, this is when Jada's ready to do shit. - And I go, I'll be seeing ya. - I'll be in my office.

Good day lady. Oh, that's when Shane has to shit. I light a cigar. Good morning, everyone. He becomes fully insane when he has to shit. Could you date someone who baby talks?

- No, not constantly like that. - Seriously couldn't. - But people on TikTok talk about how, you see that trend on TikTok where couples are like, this is our language. Like, what do we say for pancakes? - Oh yeah. - What do we say for this and they're like. - Like they have, they're weird and sometimes you just, but it's weird that it's very one-sided. - Or like I understand like a cutesy voice. Okay, this might not make sense. Cutesy voice like, "Muh, what's your, what, pancakes?" Is different to me, different to me than baby voice which is, "I go potty."

Like one is acting like a baby and one is being like, "I love you so sometimes I'm gonna go like this." That's different. That's different. An adult man acting like a baby is so unattractive. In a public place! In public is also different. Like I picture like, "I'm at the pub." And she's like, "I have to get to the office, babe." Oh, you got to go to work?

Some comments here, "Say back loudly, 'For fuck's sake, take a shit then.'" OP responded, "That's what I say when I'm not ignoring his poo comments." And someone said, "On the train too, I hope?" And she responded, "I politely say, 'Then why don't you go take a dump?' Or, 'Why don't you bother waking up earlier so you have time to do so? Maybe I need to be harsher.'"

Someone said, you can't tell him to stop without hurting his feelings. Maturing is usually a painful process. He's never going to change in the way you want him to. Break up. Damn. Opie responded, I just want to hold on to a little hope. I've begun to seriously consider breaking up. It's not just the baby talk. His fear of adulting is starting to wear on me.

Yeah, I feel like the baby talk is maybe just the tip of the iceberg and that he's upset that he has to poop in the mornings just in general. I feel like people use a baby voice sometimes, like a lot of times, to like soften like seriousness. Like, you know when you're like afraid to say something real, so you put a silly voice on it?

like half of the things that come out of my mouth. - Yeah, or people do that when I think they know their partner's mad at them. - Yeah. - They're like, "Bubbubb, what do you mean?" - Yeah. - "Bubbs?" - Yeah, I wouldn't be like, "They're talking in baby voice, I have to break up now." It's like, I would definitely try to talk about it because he's not hurting anybody.

- Sure. - Other than his own swag. - Her comment about being like, "Then why don't you just take a dump then?" - Then take a fucking shit! - Take our shit, Kevin! - We gotta go poo poo, what about-- - Take a grown man's dump. - That guy's got a train going through him constantly. All right.

Update! Okay, good, good, good, good, good, good. I thought I'd post an update since the original post garnered quite a bit of attention. We broke up, or he dumped me, last Saturday evening. He initiated the conversation after I got home from work. It started off with him asking me what I didn't like about him, which I couldn't bring myself to say much about. Then he told me he didn't see a future with me because...

I don't communicate with him. Da fuck, she wrote in parenthesis.

And lastly, I'm too close with my male best friend who is 14,000 kilometers away from me and who has been my rock for six years. So yeah, can't say I didn't see this coming, so I wasn't particularly upset or anything. It was for the better. We are just way too different and want different things in life. I feel liberated and have just been chilling while I get my shit sorted. Hunting for a new place is a real pain in the arse, but once that's done, everything will be okay.

So he got up into his high chair and he told her that they were not... He said, I had to take a dump. The dump is you. I'm dumping you. I want to travel. I want to travel. Or he goes, the age gap is too big. I'm two and you're 28.

- The age gap is too big. I'm two years old. - I just think the age gap is a little big and sometimes your friendship with your best friend's a little intimidating to me. Also, I'm three. - I wanna travel, like, to Chuck E. Cheese. - What if he saw the Reddit post and just didn't say anything to her? 'Cause like, this feels very out of the blue. - I know, and it feels like he's like,

Looked up every reason to break up with someone and just use them all I feel like he could yeah, he's just seemed like but I think if he saw the reddit post he could just tell her like I saw the reddit post and I'm waking up with you. Hey, I turned on my computer I think him not feeling like she's the one makes sense like he probably in his position felt like she wasn't like

you know, when you want someone, you want to shine and you want your people in your life to like want to bask in your life, not dim it. And like, maybe he just was feeling that when he would go and she would go for Christ's sake, Kevin, you know, like he probably felt dimmed by her. And so it's like, it's fair. It does sound like they just weren't on the same page. - I just don't think they're right for each other. Yeah. I can't make fun of him too much for being, for acting like a little baby when this is currently my pad time. - Yeah, iPad time.

- Oh man, iPad time. - Shane is a professional iPad kid. - I'm an iPad kid, just imagine you see a kid at a restaurant and they're on their iPad and you look and it's like this. And you're like, what the fuck, kid? - Oh my God. - What are you doing? - Every kid in a restaurant is usually watching like Finding Nemo or Cars, but you look over and they're coding. - This kid's over here, he's just like, asshole.

Not the asshole. Oh my god. That'd be nuts. He goes, "Update, there's an update." Update! Update! I pooped myself. Next story. This is a 30 year old man. My wife, who's 28, and I are rowing about my brother-in-law's gift: a painting of us in medieval costume.

Okay, so they are... What's growing mean? They're fighting. Oh. So I think this is in the UK. Oh, they're having a row. They're having a row. Rowing. Oh, okay. So this is in the UK somewhere, I'm assuming.

Uh...

Both of those things are true, but I can't see their influence in it. So it does look like me and it is flattering. However, it doesn't look like my wife at all, which she admits to an extent. It looks like a much older woman. Also, the people are a bit out of proportion.

"It looks like the kind of thing incredibly self-obsessed people in films might have. It is laughable to think someone might have a portrait of themselves on the wall, dressed as a knight or a lady. I'm not into the whole fantasy thing either. I am absolutely certain that people will laugh at it and then at us for it."

Damn. - What the hell? - So my wife is angry at my reaction because he has put a lot of work into it, which I won't deny.

She wants an apology for being unpleasant. I need to clarify, he wasn't there when I first saw it. She brought it home. I feel like if I back down, then the damn thing will be on my wall, and I can't tolerate it being anywhere in view. I know it is unreasonable to actually ask to throw it away, but I hard veto people being able to see it.

Thoughts?

Edit can't stress enough. I have not spoken to my bro-in-law about this just between my wife And I also great for you if you would hang it up I don't want to it's it's in my house, and I feel entitled to decorate it my own way Damn, dude. Why is he so worked up you are a piece of shit man? It's a it's it's one of those things that if I saw It's like a it's it's

It's kind of funny. Yeah, even if it's really well done or not. It's just like oh, it's you as knights and yeah I have a friend who's married and they have like Renaissance style paintings like photoshopped on their walls of them. Yeah, it's hilarious I've seen that type of stuff too. I I don't think anything of it people are allowed to have whatever kind of art They want in their house. He's mad that she wants it up

Or he's just mad at it. Both. Both, but he definitely doesn't want it up because he's like, "Everyone's gonna laugh at it and laugh at us." How many people are coming to your house? Yeah, and like, how judgmental are your friends? And it's not like it's gonna be frickin' on the front door. Like, we have art where it's like, "Oh, this is my favorite piece. I'm gonna put it in the living room where everyone can see." And then there's like, "Oh, here's just like the silly one that I like," or whatever, and I'm gonna hang it like...

you know, like there's places to put it. And him saying like, I won't deny that this person worked so hard on this, but it's like, okay, you're very unempathetically admitting that this person put a lot of work into it. - I know, and it's, yeah, and what the crazy thing is that after this, you know, he won't age, but the portrait will, and that might be more upsetting to him.

We don't get it. Is that a movie reference? It's a portrait of Dorian Gray. I didn't catch that. Sick dude! Sorry, I made an Oscar Wilde joke. He's immortal but he has a painting in his attic that constantly ages and gets more decrepit and that's what ruins him. God, that just got so many views and I'm just in the video live. You know what I mean? An Oscar Wilde joke? I'm feeling the clicks.

I don't know what is. - You're not invited to sniper chess part two. - Hey! Don't joke like that. - You're not coming to the next battle. Some comments here.

I don't know man, maybe I'm just weird, but it sounds like a pretty cool hilarious gift. Sure, something you'd probably hang on the bathroom door because it fits absolutely nowhere, but still. And someone said, "Surely you have an out of the way spot you can hang it. Pretty egocentric to think it is meant as a personal insult to you. Be a gracious brother-in-law and chill." OP responded saying, "I'm willing to accept that the initial reaction was over the top. That said, it is hard to think of something I would find less appealing."

Damn. Minus 37 down votes on that. Chat or the comments hate this guy. Yeah, what an ego. My goodness.

Someone said I don't want to it is my house and I feel entitled to decorate it my own way Where does your wife live? It's what the comment says. Yeah, I like one of those guys that like it's mad at you when you post a picture on your Instagram That's just like kind of not flattering to him. Yeah, you should have checked in with me before you posted this awful No, this guy just sounds like a bummer. Yeah, so bummer. Have you ever gotten a gift that you hated? um

The only time, and I feel bad because I genuinely thought it was a joke. When I was a kid, when I was like 10, someone got me a Mary-Kate and Ashley poster. And I was not, I was like your stereotypical, just like, I liked video games and stuff. So I remember getting it, I kind of laughed. I was like, oh, this is funny. This is like a funny joke. And my mom was like, and I was just, I was like, oh, yeah. What? But I was like, oh, yeah, like sick, like, yeah.

Honestly today. I wish I'd kept it because a Mary-Kate and Ashley poster is pretty pretty legit pretty sick That's that's aged very well. Yeah, but no, but I wasn't like what the fuck I was like I was like oh, I like yeah It is kind of funny to think that like OP really thinks Or at least thought for a while that this guy was like painting this painting like ha ha ha I'm gonna make him so mad at this painting like yeah like it

I'm gonna make his head just a little too big for his body. - Yeah. Also, someone painting a picture of you is so cool. - Huge. - That means a lot. - Yeah, I have that, someone painted a picture of me and them together, and it's not the best, but I have it to this very day. 'Cause it's like, that's so cool.

I love that stuff. In our high school, and it was so cool. I was like, whoa, you painted us. That's a lot of dedication and stuff. You know, I think it's like people do a lot of fan art of us, and I always think it's really cool. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You can kind of tell just like right out the gate that this guy was a jerk. He's like, yeah, he's an artist, but like not anything of note. Like, it was very. Yeah, he's a douche. He's like, yeah, we have art in our place, but it's by professionals. And they're originals by professionals. Yeah. Like, you're a f***.

- F***er. F*** you dude. - Like, he's leaving no room for compromise either. - He's making baby talk guy look like the bachelor. - Yeah, honestly, he should try being in a thumbnail. You learn to get over it real quick. - Next story. This is from Am I the Asshole. "Am I the asshole for feeding my dog table scraps from a dinner my boyfriend made for us?" Huh, okay.

I, a 24-year-old woman, have been dating Jay, who's 28, for four months. He is handsome, smart, funny, well-educated, has an awesome job, and is a sweetheart. On Sunday, he had a whole day planned for us. We were going to walk a nature trail and then go back to his place for dinner he was making. I was so excited because it was going to be the first time I'd be at his house. Since we were hiking, he said I could bring my dog Shelby with us.

He made us a roast and some vegetables for dinner. I finished my plate before Jay did and took it to the kitchen. There was still about half the roast left and it was close to Shelby's dinner time. So I took a quarter of the roast and some still raw vegetables from the fridge to put on a plate for Shelby. I was carrying the plate to the back door with Shelby to feed her outside. And Jay asked me what I was doing. I told him I was feeding Shelby. Jay said something like, well, that's not dog food.

Jay knows I mainly feed Shelby a raw diet. I opened the door to put the plate down for Shelby and Jay got up and took the plate away from her. He went to the kitchen and came back with it wrapped up in tinfoil and told me to leave.

Yeah.

I tried talking to my friend about it later that night, but she said Jay was right to be upset. However, this friend has never really approved of how I treat my own dog, so I feel like she was probably a bit biased and the wrong person to ask. Am I the asshole for just feeding my dog like I normally would? Clarification, she does not get restaurant food daily. I eat out maybe four times a month. If what I eat is dog safe or the restaurant makes food for dogs on request, then I bring some home for her.

What a crazy reaction!

- Yeah. - Oh my God, man. - I thought she had a little bit of roast on her plate left. - And she gave it. - Some of it to the dog, but if she took some of the actual roast. - It depends on the amount that she was about to give her dog, 'cause there was half of it left, and if she's going and taking like a ton of it, I kind of get that. - Yeah. - His response was-- - She's taking half of what was left. - You'd catch me across the kitchen aisle and go,

to give Shelby some of the rest? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I feel like always communication, especially when it comes to food, it just is always like a thing of like, hey, is it cool if I do this? - Yeah, 'cause he could have had meal prepping in mind, which is like that could have been his food for the week, and yeah, it just wasn't communicated, but for him to grab it from Shelby. - I know! - He went on the ground and he went, no.

- Oh, it's so sad. - So she took a quarter of the, she took half of what was left of the roast to take to her dog. I mean, that's a lot of food. I'm assuming Shelby's a big dog if she's eating like a human-sized portion of food. - Yeah. - Yeah, sounds like a lot. - But I think that she didn't ask

I think that's a little bit shitty. 'Cause it's just like, hey, that's not, yeah, if she took it from her own plate, if she was feeding her dog, whatever. But she went back into the kitchen and took more of his food. This is her first time at his place. I just am like,

Whether I even think you're the asshole or not, I'm just like, just ask. Like, that's just like etiquette. A little bit. And I'm someone who has no problem if people feed their dogs table scraps. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's their dog. It's their dog. They're allowed to feed them whatever. That's not the issue. It's just like, hey, just maybe...

Maybe ask like because if she's asking him how he prepared the roast in order to feed it to Shelby She thought was the opportunity to bring it up time to just slide it in there and be like me Is it okay if I feed Shelby? Yeah, and I don't I don't love that. She titled it feeding my dog table scraps Yeah, cuz that's not cuz that's not what that's not what that changed the that's not the reality That's not the reality and I'm always

When it comes to am I the asshole posts, if you are trying to manipulate the language in your post, I'm like, hey, even if I don't think you're in the wrong, I think you're an asshole for how you wrote this story. Yeah, if it said, am I the asshole for feeding half the roast my boyfriend prepared to my dog? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it would be different, yeah.

- Okay, so let's, there's some comments here. Someone said info. So hold on. Did you give your dog some from your plate that wasn't eaten or did you grab from the leftovers? Because there's definitely a difference between table scraps and just grabbing from the leftovers he might have had plans for. Also, why not ask? Him kicking you out was probably harsh and you guys should have communicated, but it all could have been avoided if you had asked. She responded.

It was the roast we hadn't eaten. I consider that table scraps. If it was something she couldn't have eaten, I would have asked him if he had something she could eat or left earlier so she could eat on time. 2,479 down votes on that. - I consider half a pound of meat table scraps. - Yeah, that's insane. That's also, you know, it's like, oh, that's food. That's a lot of money.

Buying a whole roast and making that is like money that he spent that's like, hey, like that could cover him for days. He doesn't have to buy more food. Someone said, info, why didn't you ask? I'd be hesitant to let dogs have certain things too because depending on the seasoning and the veggies, there are some things that dogs can't eat. She said, I did ask him how the roast was made when we got back to his place, but I didn't know how he had prepared the vegetables, which was the main reason I got the raw vegetables from the fridge.

He's seen me order extra portions of vegetables or meat with very specific instructions on our dates for the purpose of my leftovers being given to Shelby So I figured he had to know I would have been I would have been giving her some 2,598 down votes. Yeah, don't I don't I don't like so I figured he would know it's like you're at someone's house. Yeah, like

be a little more respectful. And beyond, beyond taking the, the already made pot roast, lame, but then to go into his fridge, take his groceries. And they said they've been dating for like four months. Yeah, no, I think she's super entitled. She's getting super comfortable. And yeah, I mean, calling a half, like that much meat table scraps,

super entitled. Like, and it's so interesting now hearing how she orders extra vegetables with very specific instructions so that she can feed her dog with the restaurant. It's like,

This person, yeah, it's an entitlement to me. - It's absolutely entitled. I think when you're visiting someone, their fridge is like a very, that's a very important thing to me of like, I don't just reach in and grab people's food. - No. - You have to really, once you are really established with someone, yeah, but first time at his place. - Yeah. - And you're just reaching on in and just grabbing shit, I'm like, damn, that would be, this for me personally,

Huge red flag. No, for sure. I'd be like, we're f***ed. Going into your fridge, that almost kind of reminds me of when people are in your car. I don't know how you guys feel about this. When someone's in your car, and any chance will be in my car, and he'll adjust the volume, and he could do that. Because he's been in my car a billion times. But when someone's never been in your car, and they just turn it up for you. Oh, yeah. I'm like, that's my fridge? Don't get your hands in it. I think it's like, you ask. It's like, hey, can we do that? Turn it up? Yeah. But just having the audacity to just stick your hands in someone else's stuff.

The title had me thinking like, oh yeah, you're fine. But honestly, the story, I think she's an asshole. I think she's an asshole. I think it's a soft everyone sucks here because his reaction was a lot. Kicking her out and just taking the food away from the dog is like...

It's just like, okay, that makes you look a little bit bad too. - My only defense is that sometimes with Am I the Asshole posts, when they're like, all I did was this, and they responded like crazy. - You're so right. - I'm like, what actually happened? - True. - Like, how much worse was this than you're saying that it was? 'Cause you're already titled as table scraps.

And now all this stuff. I think maybe he was closer to... And the way that she's like, I tried to talk to him. Like, it's like, okay, it doesn't sound like it went very well. But we'll see because there's an update. Let Shelby speak. By the way, the verdict was asshole. So let's see. Update.

I accept that I'm the asshole for what I said and did to Jay. Some of these responses were harsh, but I see now how and why I was entitled. Thanks to people that responded to the actual issue. Others going on about her diet, thanks for the concern, but I came here to ask about Jay, not get into a debate about dog foods. Shelby's been on her diet for six years and is a healthy and active puppet.

Oh no!

- Oh no. - Oh, I'm so sorry, I pooped myself. - You slipped up again and took my hair tie. - I didn't realize I was that bad about it, so I'm going to work on myself for the next guy. For people that said not going to his place for four months was a red flag, that was my decision that he respected. I don't want to go to someone's house or let them know where I live during the first few months of dating and getting to know each other.

- Okay. - Whatever, dude. - Okay, dude. - Okay, go wash your vegetables. - I knew it, I knew it. This was the last straw. There's always more shit. - Yeah, this is not about your dating life. She's like, "I'm gonna be better for my next boyfriend." No, just be better, period. It sounds like you're just a very, yeah. Very, just, you gotta, you gotta be more aware of your surroundings with other people. Jeez. - That's wild. - Taking off his plate? Whoa!

Whoa, not my president. It also makes me feel like a bad dog owner. Next time I'm at an Italian restaurant, I'm gonna be like, "How's the meatballs prepared for my dog?" He's not here right now, but how do you marinate the sauce? My Italian bulldog likes meatballs. My half-alive chihuahua wants some of the sauce. All right, next story.

Another "Am I the Asshole?" And this was reposted on "Am I the Devil?" So... We'll see. "Am I the asshole for making a personal joke during an improv comedy show?" Let's go. Let's go! I feel like we always have stories where I'm like, "Oh, I don't feel like I can say... I don't feel like I can speak. I'm not a professional." If we're talking improv comedy, I'm annoying enough to talk about that.

I've been through my fair share of improv shows. - Oh yeah, oh yeah. - Can we get some suggestions from the audience? Poop! - I want to poop. - Pat. - Here we go. You're already an asshole for being an improviser. - Stop. - And then more of an asshole for being an improviser on Reddit. - Wow. - A ooga. - Fighting an uphill battle here.

Fuck. This is so rough already. It's on a cruise? How do we keep layering this? I love cruises, I would die for them.

- This is a cringe lasagna at this point. My routine was going pretty well and people were laughing. My boyfriend was in the crowd cheering me on and everything was great. I decided to spice things up by making some self-deprecating jokes about our relationship. And that's when things went south.

My boyfriend's tiny dick. Let me tell you. I started by talking about how we met and then started getting into the funny quirks of our relationship. It was lighthearted at first, but then I made a joke about his size. I fucking called it. I fucking called it. I called it. Because of course about his size. Because what else is it going to be about? Oh.

It was lighthearted at first, but then I made a joke about his size. Let's just say he's not the most well-endowed guy in the world. Oh, no. I won't repeat it here, but let's just say it was a bit explicit. It's anonymous, and you're not going to just say it? Okay. She goes, let's show the pics. God.

Oh my god.

Babe, I'm a comedian. That's what we do. She went on one stage for five minutes. I'm just imagining the Joker meme of him like...

She's got the Newsies cap on all of a sudden. She's like, I'm a comedian. She watched one episode of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and she's like, I've got this. We had a big fight about it and I ended up spending the night in a friend's cabin. The rest of the cruise was tense and he barely spoke to me.

I'm home now and we're still not talking. I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I can't decide if I was really wrong or not. I was just trying to be funny and I didn't think he would take it so seriously. I didn't mean to hurt him, but now I'm worried I've ruined our relationship over a stupid joke. So, Reddit, am I the asshole for making fun of my boyfriend's size during a comedy show on a cruise? I

I have to assume you're the asshole if the joke was so explicit you can't say it on Reddit on an anonymous account then I think you think you went overboard and I've said it before but like jokes about people's bodies that is you're 99.9% certain for it not to go well especially about your partner and it's in a room full of strangers there's no and your partners

partners right there. And it's on a cruise? You're not getting paid? What are you doing? Yeah, you really risked it all. Yeah, I think we talked about somebody making a dick joke. This is not the first. This is like the third dick joke we've had. But I remember

- We were talking about, it really is our generation growing out of it because we did grow up on movies where that was a joke a lot. But I do think in five years kids are gonna be like, why would you make fun of their size like that? You know what I mean? It's so bad, it's so rude. - It's insane and yeah, it's just,

Honestly, if I was in that situation, I'm going to be mainly trying to say jokes for my partner in that situation. You know, like it's a room full of strangers. Because what are you going to book? Like another gig on the carnival? Yeah, yeah. Things are looking up for me here. Like she said self-deprecating and then just fully. Self-deprecating? No, it was boyfriend deprecating. And you know that the audience, she probably was like, my boyfriend's in the audience. And they're like, oh.

Like so the whole audience was aware he was there. He's being objectified in front of everybody. If I was in his position and like my partner went in front of a group of people that were like there to have some laughs and they started making fun of my anatomy, I would feel so violated. It's like a lot of strangers that like you then have to spend the rest of the cruise. It's not like one like stand-up show in LA where it's like a ton of people you might never see again. It's like we're living with all these people for a few days. Oh my gosh, yeah. He's going to go to the jacuzzi and like...

- There's gonna be old couples that are like, "Hey, it's a small dickhead." - Yeah, like, "Hey, Henry, look, it's that guy who has the small penis." - That's so sad.

- It is a known, like a lot of comics will make fun of their partners like in a way and I'm sure the good ones are running it by their people before they do like a special. - Oh, totally. - Yeah. - They're gonna be like, "Hey, I'm gonna make fun of the kids the whole time, okay?" - Yeah. - Like, you know, like, it's just crazy to just do it for the first time. - Right. - She really risked it all. - Oh, totally. - Yeah. - Well, also, also the thing to consider whenever you're making a joke about someone's body is like, even if it's like, "Oh, but they're totally cool with it." If you're making a joke

or an insult about some part of the human body, that joke isn't just for that one person. It's for anyone else who shares that same physical trait. I heard that a lot when people were talking about like, when people would make fun of politicians and then suddenly they would make fat jokes about a politician. They're like, well, he's awful. So I'm going to make a fat joke about him. It's like, you're making fun of anyone who's... That's so true. And that politician's not going to hear it. But your friends who...

feel insecure about it are gonna hear it. So he wasn't probably the only person in the room who probably was affected by that. - And I think the best jokes, sometimes the best standup is really good observational comedy where it's like, wow, they just said something that I see all the time and I've never thought of it that way. And I'm like, the best you got is to go, that thing that should be bigger is small?

Really? It's a weak joke. Joke as old as time, yeah. It's what is referred to a lot as the lowest common denominator of just like, you're going for the easiest nothing joke. That's not a joke. You're not a comedian. You're just throwing out something. Also the fact that she's like, it got really quiet, but then a couple people laughed, so I think it killed. Like, she literally said that. For all

- And also like, no, this wasn't a real standup show because I have only heard, and I have a lot of friends who do standup, the first time you do standup, you're gonna bomb. Like if you're genuinely in a real situation where you're really doing it, it's not gonna go well. This was a bunch of people who were just like, she could have said jokes about anything. They're all just having a good time. Like, dude, say cruise jokes.

Saves dumb jokes about stuff that's been happening. - OP, we have notes. - OP, we'd love to have you on a Try Not To Laugh. - Oh my God.

Some comments here. You're the asshole. Professional comedians make jokes like that because it's their job and likely have talked to their partners about the jokes. Talking about that without his knowledge on a cruise where he's trapped with the audience is really not cool. Someone else said, you're the asshole. How would you feel if he got up there and made fun of your looks or anything you were insecure about? Someone else said, you're the asshole. Jesus, I would have broken up with you on the spot and swam to the nearest shore. This boat, pretty big. Unlike my boyfriend's. It's our time, folks.

We'll see you later. Ba-da-ba-boom! I'm off to the bathroom. This episode of Red Stories is brought to you by Aura. You know, the holidays are a time for special traditions, and one of my favorite traditions here at Smosh is our annual Try Not to Laugh with our entire Smosh crew. I love it so much that I wanted to remember it forever, so I put up a bunch of my favorite memories into...

my Aura Frame. And look at this. I was able to preload so many memories, so many of my favorite moments. This one, this episode's not out yet, so that's a sneak peek. The Aura Frame has unlimited storage, so you can preload so many of your favorite memories onto here, an unlimited amount, actually. There's no SD card, no USB, no complications. It's so simple. It makes for the

perfect gift. It was rated the best digital frame by Wired, Wirecutter, and The Strategist. It is an incredible gift. Everyone would love it, and it's not even that difficult to use, which is a huge plus. So I highly recommend giving it as a gift this holiday season or buying it for yourself. That also works.

Next story, from Am I the Asshole and also Am I the Devil. Oh,

- A double feature. - Round two. - Uh-oh. Am I the asshole for calling out my girlfriend over her cat obsession? - Uh-oh. - So the 36 year old man. I'm not kidding. My girlfriend who's 35 is obsessed with her cat. A 10 year old male cat, if you're interested. Dating for three years, living together for two. Since the pandemic, I've been home a lot more and have realized just how cat crazed my girlfriend really is. They do everything together.

She doesn't need an alarm because he wakes her up at 7.30 every day by sitting on her chest and gently nudging her face with his nose. He eats his breakfast while she eats hers. If we're watching TV, he's in her lap. If she's working at her desk, he's in her chair with her or chilling nearby. If he acts even a little weird, like hiding in the closet, which I guess he normally doesn't do, she's on the phone to the vet. She even takes him for walks with a little harness, which I used to think was kind of cute until I realized it just meant her obsession would not just be limited to inside of the house.

Don't get me wrong, I like the cat. He's a chill cat. Doesn't mess stuff up around the house. Very friendly and clean. But sometimes I would like to have my girlfriend to myself. I've tried closing the bedroom door at night, but the little Houdini got in somehow. And I woke up to him smiling at me smugly from atop my girlfriend's tits. Ha ha ha ha ha!

- "Anytime I mention toning it down with the cat, "she gets all hurt and makes excuses, "like how she's had him since he was a kitten "and they've been through a lot together. "She's even gone as far as to say he was her lifeline "during a period of major depression in her late 20s. "Every time, I back down and say, 'Okay, I get it. "'He's family.' "The final straw came when we were talking about "relocating together to another country. "She wants to limit our search to countries "that don't make pets fly under the plane, "ruling out a ton of good countries.

What the

Oh!

Oh.

Dude, what the fuck? Has he like ever heard of like pets before? Or like... Yeah, it's also just like him thinking he can force her to change. It's like very clear that this is who she is. You got to accept that or you need to walk away. He's thinking he can force her to change. You have an older pet. Yeah, I have an older pet. And...

It's just it's just it's weird that it's all about the move. You know what I mean? Like I feel like if I do understand a relationship where the pet is prioritized maybe a look like like when the partner is like I want I want to be number one not not the cat like I get that sure um and

Or like, yeah, but this whole like, these are the 10 countries I want to move to. I didn't put one that the cat can be in them. Yeah, he's being shitty. Like, could you pick one? He's being manipulative, I think, with that. And I do agree. I do agree that. But I agree that there are people who.

It's more that I'm like, that's part of who you are with how your relationship with your pets are. And if it's not in line with how you have relationships with pets, then I think that's an okay deal breaker, but he's trying to

I think he's trying to put the onus on her. And him being like, you need to get a therapist. And him not being like, oh, I'm worried she's going to break up with me. Should I, what should I, it's like, well, then no. Yeah, and it's all on the move, which is weird to me. Like, I really think like in a balanced relationship, he could have, he could have like a real say and be like, hey, I, I,

this cat's coming between us. I get that. But if you're just like, there's no room in our future for this cat. Like, he cannot get on the plane. - Yeah. - Also, he's just, he's trying to make her look bad by saying how unhealthy their relationship with his pet is, but he goes on to describe

every normal thing that every person with a pet has. Like the cat eats when she eats. The cat's in her lap when they're watching TV. The cat's around her a lot. It's like, ooh, don't tell them that my dog bed's near my bed. Yeah. It'll freak out. And like the

the fact that he wants to get some alone time with her, it's like, okay, like, is this cat affecting your guys' love life? Yeah. It doesn't seem like it because he just wanted the cat to be out of the room when they slept because he's like, I woke up and the cat was there and I'm mad. It's like, oh no, did that like suddenly cancel out the sleep you just had? I don't understand the issue here. He's controlling, I think. And it actually is really scary and can be very dangerous for pets.

pets to be under the plane. Like I've heard so many horrible stories. We've seen the news about dogs dying in those rides. Like it's not safe. And like when I had a dog for a short time, I made sure to do everything that I could so that I didn't have to do that because like airlines are just unfair and shitty for that reason. Yeah. He posted on our ask that if it was safe to put a cat in the cargo hold of a plane and all of the responses said, uh, no, it was not safe.

Yeah. So this guy had like he just was so just self-serving this whole story, like did not even bother to actually consider. Well, at the end of the day, she set a boundary. She was like, no, I'm not doing that. Yeah. And he's just pushing at it. Yeah. Like is this a recent like I don't we don't. Yeah. But either way, I ask that because I've noticed a couple of my friends have.

Like I think since the pandemic, so many of my friends need their pets in big ways because we went through a legit pandemic. So sometimes I see some of my friends being like, oh, I don't want to travel anymore because I want to go with my dog or I want to go with my cat. And I think when you're someone's partner in that situation, you got to have more grace than like. And remember that.

the pandemic was a blip in that person's relationship with the cat because this cat is 10 years old. Yeah. Like this, and she's like, it's my lifeline, which is also another very normal thing for a pet to be for people. Especially if like, yeah, she's, it's maybe just been her and her cat for 10 years. It sounds more like gone through a lot together. A bigger deal. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're family.

Like, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, look, and people can have different relationships. Like, people can have different views of pets and animals. But, like, I am someone who, I am more like her than him. Yeah. Where I'm like, I view a cat, like, I would view, I view a pet as very much like, oh, dude, like, I'm going to fucking hang out with them all the time if I can. I think that's it. And I care about their, their.

their mental state. Like for me, yeah, it's also, I agree with her. I'm like, I don't want my, my pet to go through a bunch of shit. I would feel awful about it. I'm going to avoid that if I can. And he seems to kind of just really view an pet as just like, that's just an animal. He kind of seems to me as more of one of those types. And that's a deal breaker. And I'm surprised she's,

Tolerated his point of view unless he hasn't been honest with her. Well sounds like she's not I think he might be the ex already. There's some comments here. You're the asshole How dare she have a bond with her pet seriously, dude? Most pet owners are like that you seriously can't expect her to just stop loving and taking care of her cat because you were jealous of it She might be better off without you someone else said you're the asshole and she called your bluff bud you sound jealous of a cat and

- Cat, you're the one who needs to get a therapist and tone it down if you can't handle a kitty on your girlfriend's boobs. Jeebus. Someone said, little FYI, your post has also been cross posted to am I the devil? Just in case you're wondering just how much of an asshole you are slash were. OP responded, wait really?

Wait, really? Wait, really? Wait, really? Yeah, I mean, but also for sure, that's another instant asshole for me is if you say like, if this doesn't work for you, this is over. If you're saying, if you're giving someone an ultimatum and they go, okay, and then you're like, wait, hold on, what? Like, I'm like, oh no, fuck, don't say that unless you mean it. Yeah, it feels weird that he's like so staunch on it and like, these are my top 10 countries and none of them have the cat. It's like,

What do you want? What do you want? Feels like they're at a perfect place for a breakup. He's gonna move across the country and she's gonna stay. Clean break! Well, let's find out cuz there's an update. I always love when the updates start like this. I get it. I'm the asshole. The hugest fucking A you have ever seen and possibly some kind of deviant who compares dicks with a cat.

Ten is a senior cat. It's not perfectly safe for pets to fly under planes and my girl is not crazy for loving her cat I called her this morning and apologized She said she needs time to think at a kind person's suggestion. I sent her a link to my public reddit shaming I am now going to go hide under the bed in the hope she notices my strange behavior like still cares enough to call the vet on me Final update Jesus fuck you guys. She dumped me. Okay. Are you happy now? Oh my god

Final, final update. Hi! What a dude. What a guy. Oh please. Wow, but I love the reddit stories when there's like literally a dialogue and the asshole like learns. You have it all. I love when you have it all. I love when you have it all. What a full arc.

I love that she stood up for her kitty cat. Yeah, oh my god. That's the definition of stepping your pussy up. Jeez, fuck you guys. Jeez Louise, I get it.

You don't mess with people's animals and their bond. That's it. And the story is done. Yeah, straight up, man. Straight up. That is like, it's like one of those things. Like, you should, like, they're part of the relationship. It's medicine. It's therapy. It's a way for people to, like, get through hard shit in life. Back off. And I would say a pet, what I, because I've been trying to think about this, because relationship with pets are such a unique thing. And I would say it's like, what's different about it from, in my view, and how I see it, is...

a person's relationship with their pet is like that's it's like a pet is part of who they are and so if you're disrespecting their relationship with their pet you're kind of just directly disrespecting them you know it's like i know people don't like to compare them to kids but it is like it's as close as it gets without being one to some situations like i almost view it as like one in the same as that person yeah like like to me like you know

People in our office have their dogs, and I'm just like that is just like that's like part of them Yeah, that's part of their character. Yeah, like that I see yeah, like it's a golden compass Well, it's like when you buy you know when you buy a toy, and it's like an action figure And it comes with like yeah, it's like yeah, it's like cuz that's that's a one package deal Single women like in their 20s or whatever. I don't know what just like their pet when you're living alone. I don't

It's just like, it's your guy. - Yeah. - It's your little bud. - It's your rock. - Yeah. - It's so much more than just like a little character that's running around, you know? Like they are emotional security, in a way physical security and all, like this cat's gonna beat up a burglar, but like,

It's her alarm clock. It's her alarm clock. It's her alarm system. Wake up. I also think something we've covered in these types of posts is in relationships and stuff, it's not just about loving and respecting the person you're with, but it's about loving and respecting the things they love and respect. True. You know, and if you don't, and doing that is almost sometimes more disrespectful than anything. That's someone that's on Reddit a lot. My neck beard grows and I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no.

But you get it. Try and grow one just for fun, just to see what would happen. Alright, next story. This comes from Tales From Your Server. So, service industry related story. Guy tips Big to impress Date, but returns afterwards to take money back. Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Money?

Oh, that's kind of awesome. That is a... This is literally... Okay, that's George Costanza. Wow. That is just George Costanza right there. This needs to start with... Okay, here we go.

We had a guy come in last night with his date. Throughout the evening, he was the picture of courtesy and good manners. He complimented me, thanked me every time I came to refresh waters or check on the table, made a point to be forgiving of a kitchen mistake, super extra nice, the dream customer, really. I appreciated it, but didn't delude myself that I was the source and figured he was just in a good mood because the date was going well. They were chatting, laughing, having a great time, so I assumed I was an indirect beneficiary.

He was certainly in some kind of celebratory mood because he was sparing no expense. He asked for our highest quality wine. She got our most expensive entree. He ordered one of every appetizer for her to sample after she made a remark that she was having trouble deciding. It was a real feast.

Woo!

He thanks me for my service and emphasizes that what a lovely night they've had. Of course, a tip that size is exceptional. So I thanked him profusely. He said there was no need to thank him and goes on a big tear about how underappreciated waitstaff are and to just think of it as a stand in for all the ingrates who didn't treat me right. Saying don't plan to tip, don't plan to eat out, you know, while looking at the mesmerized girl the whole time and not giving me a glance.

I could care less where he was looking. I was looking at the upcoming hundred bucks. I thanked him again and said, I hope to see them back soon. And that was that. So he helps her into her coat and off they go. Great night. I was riding high. About 90 seconds later, he's back in the door without her going, I think I left my, when the door shut,

He looked around to make sure she was out of earshot. He then says, without the slightest shade of shame or embarrassment, "Mark the tip down to 20 bucks, hun. "I was just playing it up for my date, you understand." And turns to go.

I understood, but not how he hoped I would, but I couldn't make a scene in the middle of work. That's not my place. So I wanted to bring it up one more time to try to give his conscience a chance to sink in and said, okay, sir, you'd like to amend your tip from $100 to $20. Is that correct?

And even though I didn't show a hint of displeasure in my voice, he shot back, extremely hostile. Yes, and if I see a cent over the 20 on there, I'm going to dispute the whole meal with my credit vendor. So don't try to pull anything. The most frustrating part of this for me was not going from an over 30% tip to under 10%. It was that this poor girl was being strung along with no idea of who the guy was behind her back.

It was extremely manipulative of him, which is a major red flag. Also the way he's talking is like fucking old school, like, you understand, babe. - Hon? - I'm just fucking doing this. - What's with all these characters we're meeting in this episode that are like, whatever, babe. It's coming. - Why are they all greasers? In my head it's like, you understand. - Put the cat under the cargo.

I gotta poop. It's what comedians do. I got a tiny dick and I gotta poop. That's my favorite clip ever.

I've had my fair share of toxic relationships in the past and really wish someone had pulled the blinders off my eyes. I so desperately wanted to do something to alert this girl to the trick the guy had pulled and maybe it would be a catalyst to her questioning his other actions. But again, I was at work and that just wasn't my place so I altered the bill and that was that.

Then, just in time, something occurred to me, and I darted outside hoping to catch them in the parking lot. I got lucky. They're parked on the street instead, and he was still dealing with the parking meter. So I flagged him down and rushed across the street, nearly stumbling into traffic in my haste for a delicious moment. His date was already in the car, but rolled down her window, since no one expects the waitress to follow you out to your car waving her arms like a crazy person. I made it across and said more than loudly enough for her to hear,

Sir, we amended your tip from $100 down to $20 as you requested, but you'll actually need to fill out a different receipt reflecting your new total for our records. Yes!

Your old receipt still has your original tip of $100 written on it, but since you just came in and asked us to charge you $20 instead, we can't have a discrepancy in our records. - That sounds true. - I hope you understand this is just a bookkeeping regulation that goes way above me. It has nothing to do with you retroactively downgrading your tip from $100 to $20. We're just glad you enjoyed your evening.

His jaw was on the floor. He tried to pretend as though he didn't know what I was talking about and gave me some line like, "I think you're after someone else. "I'd only come back 'cause I'd forgotten my keys." But I would not let it rest. The more he played dumb, the more I repeated versions of, "You wanted to change your tip from $100 down to $20. "You came back in," and on and on.

- So we went back and forth for a few more seconds until finally he went, "Okay, whatever. "Sorry for the miscommunication. "If you need me to fill out a new receipt, I can." And I, totally even-keeled, was like, "You only need to fill out a new receipt "if you want to change your tip from $100 down to $20." And I'm guessing he didn't have the money in his account because he did it.

- He filled out the new receipt. His girlfriend was visibly shocked and the man was staring daggers through me. You could feel the rage emanating off him. It was quite satisfying to accomplish this. In place of the other toxic men, I was never able to confront and all the bad tippers. Ironically, the exact kind he made a righteous speech decrying just a few minutes beforehand.

And then off they drove, I'm sure never to patronize our restaurant again and hopefully to never go out together again, which would make it totally worth it. Dude, this is an I think you should leave sketch. This is literally the nacho scene from I think you should leave. It's like, we have a policy where you can't have the nachos with all this stuff on them. Did you go and tell him that? I had to check because the fans were on us. There's no fans above us.

What an insane guy. That guy is cartoonish. - I'm willing to vote for OP for president. - Yeah, OP, absolute legend. - Incredibly classy the way she did it too. - OP is such a legend. And this guy is one of the worst assholes ever because

Because the problem is he acknowledges what is right and what is wrong. He announces that he understands the severity of the situation. And does it a lot. But then goes and switches it down. So I'm like, you literally acknowledge that people who don't tip are absolute monsters. And then you come in and just do it. You are fully embracing that you're an awful person. And...

Like, he's like, and if you don't do this, I'm going to go to my credit card. I'm going to give you hell. So he does this a lot. You can tell he's done it before. And whether it's multiple times with this person that he's on a date with, or he's just doing this. I'm like, are you going to kill this woman? Yeah. No, he's giving American Psycho. Yeah. He literally is. Also, so the bill was like $280. $289. Tipped $100. But $20. $20 is less than 10%. Less than 10%. No, it's bad. It's like $20.

seven or eight percent. Bury him. Oh my God. Bury him. Bury him in receipts. Put him on the cargo hold of a ship. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Comments. Get him. I think you did her a favor exposing his deficiencies. Opie responded, thank you. I'm glad it comes off that

If it had just been him alone leaving a big tip and like changing his mind or something or even if he'd done that with a group of platonic friends I'd have been pissed but I wouldn't I would have just changed it and let it go I only followed up because I wanted an opportunity to clue the girl in and the receipt was the only legitimate way well He also like laid it out that he's lying to her. He's like you understand. I'm lying To trick her someone said dude. I have a serious lady justice boner right now. Oh my god. I

Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear aprons. I can't believe she thought of that because that's like so well thought out, the paperwork and the receipt of it all. And just kept repeating the $100 down to $20. Yeah, I would try to find her on Instagram and be like, hey, I'm the waitress. That guy. I would have not done it that efficiently because the best way was to do it in front of him too. It was slay. I picture it's like the night streets of New York. The streets are wet from the rain earlier that day. And she ran out there. She's like, wait.

Wait! And she's like, the girlfriend's like, sees all this and he's like, he's like in a trench coat and he's like, "Uh, I don't know what you're talking about." She's like, "No!" And she looks amazing. And you know she looked amazing the whole time. - Okay, last story here. This comes from Relationship Advice. It's a little bit of a lighter tone. It's a 34 year old man. "My wife, who's 32, has been cutting the strings off my pajama pants and she won't admit to it. Not sure why? What a strange crime."

She wants my pants to fall off. You really said a lighter note. Some background: We have been married for 10 years. This behavior is pretty recent. The situation really isn't that bad, but I was hoping someone could have an explanation. I've asked her about this and she denies it. But we don't have kids or anyone else in the house, so it can only be her.

- What is this? -

What the hell is going on?

- So sometimes, I do notice sometimes the strings of like your hoodies or pants can- - They get lost in the wash. - They can get lost in the wash. - Who's also your delivery, Shane? - We are kind of pranksters, but I can't figure it out why. - We are pranksters, but somehow the strings, I have a string theory, but not the usual kind. - This is crazy. This is nuts. And hers are fine. She still has her strings. - Oh, she has all her strings.

"What the hell is this woman's deal?" - Maybe it's like the guy who tells his girlfriend that she smells bad all the time. - What if one night he hears rustling from the closet and he opens and she's eating spaghetti but it's not spaghetti, it's all the strings. It's all the strings from all the pajamas. - She's like, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." - I was picturing a little monster covered in pajama strings going,

- Oh my God. - Oh, sorry, it wasn't my wife, it was the string monster. - What if they had a pet? - He doesn't clarify if they don't have pets. - 'Cause what if he leaves his pants on the floor all the time and the kitty or the dog get it? - Oh, cats would totally get that shit. Okay, there's comments, they provide some info. I'm wondering why OOP immediately came to the conclusion that it's his wife stealing the strings.

OP response because we play pranks on each other and this is the type of prank she would do. She'd do the long con too. So I wouldn't put it past her to do something like this and keep it going for a year. I'm dying. This woman is great.

Someone else said why is your first instincts to trust distrust your wife op responded? It wouldn't be the first time she had pranked me in this sort of way and denied it for months until I finally believed her Just to say gotcha and admit to it. I obviously thought it was one of those again Someone else said I don't have a wife and all my hoodies slash crossing pants lose their strings in the laundry anyway So that's something to consider. Yeah, like what if they do their own laundry for their own clothes and she's really careful about her strings and

And he lose his go away. We have multiple updates. Oh, thank God. So predictions now, what are you placing your bets on? I think it's prank. Yeah, I think she's just, you think she's pranking him? Weak game. I don't think she's pranking him. I think they're getting lost some other way. But why aren't hers getting lost? Like, I don't know. I think this is his fault.

Is this a Dr. Seuss book? What is this? Okay, okay.

- Being a thing, I've lost my string. - Okay. - So I just got home and checked inside the waistbands of all my pajama pants. I only have five of them, so it didn't take long. No strings in them, so they definitely didn't retract. I need to get some sleep, so I'll check the washer drum and filter when I wake up. - This guy's gotta go to work. - This feels like a horror game. This feels like Five Nights at Freddy's. It's like, okay, I'm checking the closet.

Okay, I'm checking the laundry. Okay, it's all okay checking and also jumps out and strings Yeah, I feel like he's like I feel like Jim Carrey would play this person like this feels like a Bruce Almighty bit You know what I mean checking? Where are the strings? but

- Are the streams. - Okay, okay. - Update number two. - Oh boy. - Someone in the comments suggested maybe my cat had been taking them out and hiding them since cats tend to have hiding spots. - There's a cat. - One of the spots is under the couch. I just checked and I found one there. It's just one, but it's a start. I'm gonna check his other spots too. Okay, you need to throw a cat in the mix.

- Tell us about the cat. - If the story is about strings and there is a cat, the cat is involved. - It's the cat. - The cat is involved. - String plus cat equals cat. - Yes. - That's it and that's math. - And that's cat math. - Update number three. Okay, so when my wife woke up, I told her about finding a string in our cat's hiding spot. She was amused and wanted to help me look at his other spots for them too. Well, none of his other known spots had them, but she noticed something weird about the back of our other couch.

What? AirPods?

We even found a missing pendant and the body of Jimmy Hoffa. No, I'm just kidding. Stop. We even found a missing pendant that we've been trying to find for years. I'm going to buy her a box of chocolate. It was the cat. Wow. And the strings weren't like the... We called it, bro. We called it. The missing strings were like the least valuable thing. This cat was setting up a battle station in there. I would piss my pants if I saw a cat holding AirPods in its mouth.

Holy shit. - And like, gotta go, gotta put this in my little hole. - Time to go. - Sometimes I wish they had a stash, you know, 'cause it seems so fun to like find the stash and have all this stuff there. - I know, it's like their little locker. - Yeah, it's a little locker. - It's a little pendant. What a cute fucking cat. - This guy's been busy. This cat has been so busy.

I knew it. I was like, it's only his pants because he probably like the way wherever he puts them is accessible to the cat. You called it. I like that I know what this cat's expression is as they're pulling all this shit out. You know that cat's over there just like... Or he's like this. He's like, don't put me on that plane. Fuck, they're cutting a bigger hole. What country are we moving to?

That's amazing. Oh my gosh cat was building a Titanic treasure pile in there Yeah, give this cat a general with Pixar because whoo yeah that cat was able to steal other stuff and nearly end their marriage That's pretty impressive a pendant a pendant they went like it didn't so funny The cat is a legend the cat's a legend cats an instant legend that waitress though She's the waitress is the ultimate legend

Cat, also a legend. Also a legend. Had some legends today. Shelby's also a legend. Shelby's a legend too. Any cat, legend. Or that's a dog. That's a dog. A dog is also a legend. Eating a lot of roast. Good stuff. Eating good food. No. Yeah. Wow. Great stuff. Good stuff. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much. Thank you. Wow.

We should go on a cruise and bring out our cats. All right, we're going to go do stand-up on a cruise. Is this thing on? I will say, we will be a riot on a cruise. You know what I'm saying? Could you imagine? Hey, Royal Caribbean, my name is Angela. We got seven days. We're here for seven days. Wow, this microphone's really big. You know what isn't?

Bada poop. All right. Tip your waitresses, but not too much. Bada poop. I gotta poop. Oh, my God. All the stories are coming together. And we're stuffing them all in a hole in the couch. Okay. Thank you for watching. Let us know what subreddits and themes you want to see on here, and we'll do it. And we'll see you next Saturday for some more weirdness. Get out of here. Bye.