Illegal Advice Too
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Good evening, gentle listeners and watchers, and welcome to Destructible! This episode...

Mosquito-maskering Mark gets ponderous party performance and asks the gents for remedies to rage. Bouncing Bob nearly loses James, suggests a stitch-up, miasmas, creed cripplings and cloning. Wise guy Wade gets vandalized by Serviday, advises stuffing tailpipes Jason, Hammer Time and Steve Rogers. From lint-free nostrils to kissy-peeds,

Yes! It's time for Illegal Advice 2. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

What is up, people? No, don't start it that way. Nope, that's it. We're in. And welcome to Distractible. I'm your host, Markiplier, here. Back at it again with another hosting of an incredible episode that you're going to love in every way possible. We don't believe in cold opens here. This is the beginning and no one can say otherwise, right?

And how. And how do we do this episode? Well, the same way we do every episode. I'm the judge. I am soliciting these two gentlemen here to my whims. They can accept or not. I guess it's always optional. It's all you, man. The doors lock every time we start an episode. When the recording starts, doors can't open.

There's no evidence of me ever leaving. Is my camera in like two frames per second or am I losing my fucking mind? You're fine. All right. I'm going to do this for a while. Editors make multiple clones of him and overlay it so he's moving like a centipede.

All right, so in this game today, we're going to have a great time. We're going to have a great time. Points to the person who has the best time. Oh, you already figured out your wheel spin? I think that's me. I'm having the best time, Mark. That could mean multiple things. I will have that added to the wheel. Best time.

Either you're having a great time or you did the episode in record time. You won with the least amount of moves. Ooh. That's pretty fun. That is interesting. I like that. Is that the Grandmaster win? Yeah, something like that. Oh, but before we do that, we got to hear about our lives. As much as I want to kick it off with my life and the amazing things going on here, I guess I have to defer to these two gentlemen here whose lives are equally as interesting, chock full of adventure, and I can't wait to hear about it.

It's warm out now, and that's really fun for James because it means we get to go back to the playgrounds and stuff. And we did that yesterday, and he had a hell of a time. Before it got cold when we were going to the playgrounds like the end of last summer, he was walking, but he was small enough that it was kind of like we had to chase him around basically.

Cause at any moment he might just like fall off an edge or do something crazy. And so we would, and he's like really independent now, which is awesome. But I forgot one important fact about the playground that we take him to a lot. It's like one of those old school, like wooden castle style playgrounds. Super fun. There's an area with a really fun slide. And he was, I was letting him climb up on his own and go up there to go on the slide. But right next to the slide, they made this feature where it's like tractor tires and

stacked up and the middle of the tractor tires is a hole down all the way to the ground. And you're, it's meant for kids to like climb down the tires, like their ladders. And then there's like some chains and like it's for climbing, but James is not tall enough or coordinated enough to climb on something like that. So I let him go up there and then he, he got to the slide and he was like, slide, slide,

big tires and I was like what do you mean big tires because it's like up on the second level and I'm like what big tire and he went and he's like leaned over the hole and I was just like I forgot that was there and I ran and dove under the bottom of it and was like face up under the hole and I was like got out of slide and he just looked at me for a second it was like

oh yeah slide all right i won't jump down the suicide hole yet like it was the the one because when we got to the playground i was like all right let's see how this goes and he started climbing on his own and i was like this is cool he's so he's having so much fun and then he was like i'm gonna go on the slide and started climbing up and i was like oh man big tires like whoa fucking shit why did they why did

Why did they put a jump hole in this play set? God. Anyway, he's fine. And he went down the slide about 20 times. He would just, but like half of the times I continue to let him go up on his own. And like half the times he'd get up there and be like,

Big tires. And I had to be like, we're going on the slide, buddy. Remember the slide. Yeah. But anyway, it was super fun. And only twice did I almost think he was about to break his entire self jumping down a big hole.

For no reason. Onto hard ground below. Also, he threw a lady her cell phone. Oh, really funny. This poor mom was chasing her kid around who was more in the needs adult supervision. Very directly staged still younger than James. And she like went down the slide in front of James, like frantically like, ah, where'd you go, baby? And her phone fell out of her pocket on the top of the slide. And James is just sitting there with this stranger's phone in his hands. Just like, hmm.

Mine now. And she's at the bottom of the slide like, give me my phone, baby. Give me my... And he contemplated and eventually he was like, oh, okay. And tossed it down the slide and it was very nice. But I thought I was about to have to go wrangle my son

from stealing a stranger's cell phone at the playground. I thought you were going to be like, oh, you found us a new phone. Thanks, baby. And then like leave with it. Now, James, ask for money for this. Oh, yeah. 200 bucks. But it was, I'm so excited. It's going to be a great playground year for this man. He's about to have a lot of near-death experiences that make me shit my pants only a little bit. Big tires. Big tires? Big tires.

So that's my day. That was great. The adventure that is parenthood. Neither of us know anything about it. You mean you and Wade. I was going to say, I know a little bit. No, none of us know anything about it. Oh, so you know all about it, do you, Bob? You got the book on it, eh? Compared to you guys, I'm like the Stephen Hawking of parenthood. That's probably true, yeah. Or the LeBron James of parenthood.

Just slam dunking that baby. Blocking babies off the backboard. Complaining to the refs when the baby trips me. Going like this to the baby. As for the viewers out there, listeners, you have no idea what I just did. You have no idea. You don't know what he did, but it was hilarious. You better start watching. Did you guys know? Did we tell anybody that we came back to YouTube? I don't know if we actually ever did.

said that out loud in an episode or not. We're still on Spotify, too. Still on Spotify, baby! We love Spotify! Almost as much as I love Prusa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You already got your prune juice points. I will say...

The world of 3D printing is both as cool and very uncool as I thought it would be. I will not explain why. I will not expound into it. It's Wade's turn to talk. Thank you. Mark, I think you're going to relate to my small talk a little bit. Okay.

The deer, the damn deer, man. Yes. I'm giving you a point right away. I don't even know what it's about, but I know. Outside, it is nice. It's warming up. But here in Cincinnati, we had a lot of snow and we had a really wet period where it was like snow and rain and snow and rain. And apparently the deer going through our yard, I don't know what happened, but

But they have made a muck of everything. There's just deer prints and hooves. Molly has bird feeders. The bird feeders are like half destroyed. One of them is like half buried in the mud. It looks like the Planet of the Apes scene where like the Statue of Liberty heads on the ground or whatever. It's just a total nightmare out there. And around every spot of our yard that looks awful, deer hoof prints everywhere. Annihilated it. We should annihilate them back.

I thought about putting on some deer hoof shaped shoes and walking on them. And then I realized none of that would work. So I'm still working on a plan. Yeah. What would that do? Would it attract the deer? Would it make you be able to sneak up on the deer? What's the objective? I don't think it would attract them unless they're like the step on me, weighty. Like, I don't know if they'd like that. They're freaks, those deers. They probably would. For all you hunters out there, recommend what type of tank, what tank best kills deer? You were going to say for all you hunters out there, go to Wade's house. Yeah.

We're posted way to address in the comments of this video. Go just stake out a big circle around his whole property. Here it is in Morse code for the listeners. This is his address. Here's a little patch of what sounds like white noise, but if you analyze it correctly, it's actually contains a lot of personal information, including his address.

If you pull it up into an audio editing software and look at the spectrograph, you'll see his house and a map to it in the audio file. I'm going to wake up like...

open the curtains just mean nothing but deer blinds my entire yard deer blinds so they're called right the things you know what they're called the things people post up in the hunt deer that's the that's the thing yeah hunting blinds is where you oh like up in a tree or like a little tent on the ground and you go and you wait in there i've never been hunting can you tell i haven't either but i've played hunting video games so i'm familiar

I have one time and I didn't shoot anything because I couldn't bring myself to it. But my friend was a hunter and he's like, yeah, you got to come with me. I hated every second of it. I was like, oh God, I hope you miss. I was like the anti-hunter. I was like, do I tackle him to save the deer? What do I do? Did he miss? Did he miss? No.

Do you think my 22 could take out a deer? Oh, yeah. If you hit the right spot, I guess. Yeah, if you hit exactly in the right spot, it could take out anything. It was not a pleasant experience for me. I've always admitted to being a hypocrite. I can eat meat, but if I had to hunt my own food, I would starve to death. I don't like the idea of unnecessary killing of pretty much anything. Some things are, I'm going to say it, I'm going to say it, I'm saying it.

Some things...

deserve to die. Let's just be clear. Let's be open. Let's all get it out there. We all think this. There are okay Pennsylvanians. There are okay some. I'm just saying. What are we, live on stage in Pittsburgh? Hey, it's better than what happened with Tyler in France. Or Ethan in Zalberg. Oh, Ethan wasn't even offensive, but Tyler in France was a whole special kind of fun. I felt pretty offended by Ethan's Berg. Yeah.

He's harmless. He's just a funny guy. I even think they didn't understand that they were being made fun of. Well, that's because it was so bad. That can't be our accent. That must be some weird American bit there.

They don't know they're in Europe yet. I just love that we started off like pre-show. We're like, all right, we're not going to do any funny accents. We're just going to do our show normally. And the first thing Ethan did was the berg. Well, that's because with Ethan, and you boys know this, is whenever you're talking to him, in his head is his joke he's got ready. He's practicing it. He's just berg, berg, berg, berg.

in his head on loop as we're telling him. No accent. Yeah, accent. You remember how he would always like you would say something to him and he would say it again under his breath? He turned into like a Beavis and Butthead character. Hey, accent. Yeah. Yeah.

I missed the show, man. Anyway, some things deserve to die is where I ended that. Some things deserve to die. No more information needed. Listen, I think we can all agree mosquitoes, they deserve to die. Do they do anything good in the ecosystem? Nothing. I feel like a lot of stuff you could be like, yeah, it does this. I don't know that mosquitoes do anything valuable whatsoever. They just pass around communicable bloodborne diseases.

Yeah, there's flies for eating. There doesn't need to be mosquitoes. Flies serve a purpose. Mosquitoes, just a menace. Same with deer. No purpose. Incinerate them. Incinerate them. I hate watching deer go around with their big kraboskas sucking blood out of wolves and coyotes. Good. Can you imagine? The vampire deer.

What would a deer mosquito be called? A daquito? No. That's probably it. Yeah. Moskier. The Moskier. That sounds very mysterious. All right. I got a conundrum. I got a story. No, it's not a conundrum. I don't need a puzzle solved. Well, maybe I did in the past. If I'd have known...

Maybe I could have gotten through this, but I didn't. While the editors were in town. This is a true story. We had done a full week editing and we were going to go out and eat. Now we had thought about going to the place where we're family, but we decided against that. What's that? Applebee's? No, you fool. It's the place where you're family. Where are you? When you're there, you're family. Toots? When you're there, you're family. Mike?

White Castle? When you're there, you're family. Disney World? No, when you're there, you're magic. When you're there...

Perkins? Casa Bonita? Is that a real restaurant? Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita. It is a real place, but it's a South Park joke. Okay. All right. Well, no. We weren't there anyway. It doesn't matter. What is it? I don't know the advertising for this place. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. Okay. When you're there, your family, wherever the fuck there is. This story isn't about us going to the place where our family is. We didn't go that night. It's a different place. We all went in there and...

I should have known it was going to be a kerfuffle when we got up to the host stand and the guy looked at us and was like, how many? And we're like, we got eight. And he goes, and starts looking around like this. And I would think he would look at his computer that says all of the tables. He starts going...

When you've been hosting long enough, you can smell the open seats, you know. Well, it was open everywhere. That was the thing. It was not busy. But he goes, looks around and goes like, "I'll find you a waiter." And then he runs off. And he comes back with no one. And he says like, "Alright, I'll go to your seat."

And we go over, we get sat, and there's other people in here, and you know, it's fine, just normal, we didn't think anything was weird. It took like 20 minutes for someone to come by, and it was the same guy being like, so sorry? Getting you a waiter. I thought he was gonna like, put on a mustache and be like, alright, I'll be your waiter.

Get you all something to drink? No, no. And then five minutes later, pretty quickly, he brings this waitress and she takes our drink order and then it's okay. It's like, we'll be right back. And then 20 minutes pass by.

this lady was gone eight is probably a large number for places it was so empty so empty in there and the other side of the restaurant was packed with waiters and people eating having a great time oh that's the eating section you were in the waiting section right

Well, she gets our drinks after a little bit and we bring them over and we put in like some appetizers and some people for some reason are like, oh, I haven't thought about what we're eating yet. We've been here for an hour and I have no idea what I want. Editors, if you're watching, not you, but you know who you are. It's not them, but the other ones, you know, the other ones, you know, I mean, we order. She comes. She goes away. Fifteen minutes pass by. She comes back, hits the other tables.

leaves, not us, comes back with two appetizers. Five minutes later, puts in front of me and someone in the middle of the table. We're just like, do we wait?

At this point, you at least have salad or breadsticks or something, right? No. Oh, and three people at the end haven't gotten their drinks yet. I had to reach out. Well, what she did, I totally forgot. When she brought the drinks, she set out some of them, set the tray down on the table next to us and left. And I had to go grab them off of the tray from the other table and pass them down the table to the other people.

That was a minor thing when things started to go weird. We finally order. And meanwhile, people are getting seated in our area as we're ordering food. They get their drinks, appetizers, and their full meals before we finish getting our appetizers. And there's eight of us. That's not an exaggeration. Anyway, so I need advice.

Potentially illegal advice on how you guys would remedy this situation. Starting with Hedges Bob Wade. What'd you do?

Actually me is a bitch and I would just deal with it and be annoyed, but I would just deal with it I'm putting it down a point for actually a bitch That's just the truth of the matter I very much when I'm in a restaurant whatever happens unless my food's wrong, then I'm nice I'm like, hey, this is wrong. Can I get it fixed? I will not eat bad I want my food, right? But as far as like bad service, I just deal with it I'm like, you know, this sucks

They're probably having a shit day. I can get mad, but what's that going to do? Then I'd spit in my food. I'm just going to suck it up and deal with it. You want some good illegal advice? Yes, I do. At this particular place, I believe you do get bread. So I would get the bread. I would stuff some in a bag or just hide it or just ask for some more to go. Just keep getting bread. Wait outside, like hiding in a bush until close. Figure out where this person's car is.

And then now that you know which car is theirs, you come back the next day and you stuff all the bread in their exhaust pipes when they go to leave, their car just explodes. That'll fucking teach them. That is a slow burn and an explosive ending. I like that. It's a really long... That wire that catches fire before the dynamite explodes. Fuse? That's the word. Fuse? That's the word.

I'm going to be, you guys realize the older I get, the scarier I will become because I have the worst memory of anyone I know right now. And it's all downhill from here when I can't remember the word fuse. I guess my, my thing is there's a lot of words. I don't remember. We just use a different word. I go descriptor. I'm like, you know, I can't think of the thing I'm thinking of. So long fire cord. Yeah.

Leads to dynamite booms. I mean, it was effective. It sounded like it didn't work out, but... I like it because the time it takes to get to the tailpipe that you know is theirs, the bread has gone more stale, so it really compacts in there. And everyone knows, just like a critical point on a boss, big red and glow in the tailpipe, shove something in there, whole car blows up. Yeah, and as they're, like, screaming for help, you drop a banner that just says, we'll be right with you. And then remember us, party of eight, in parentheses. Ha!

Signed sincerely, the Markiplier editing team. Make sure they really know. And then you get some art made of you guys at the table so that they really know. The gift picture they took at the end that cost us 40 bucks. Yeah, yeah. All right. Good, good.

Bob. All right. This, this one, this approach requires a quick snap decision. I'm not saying you'll never get it wrong, but I am saying you have to be really thoughtful because what you want to do, if you reach the point of like services too long, clearly your waiter is, is distracted or something has happened, whatever. Well,

What you do is you don't leave. You're still going to eat. You're already at the restaurant. And like, it's, it would take so long to get somewhere. It's not like you're going to save time going somewhere else, but if you want to speed up, you go out, step out, excuse yourself, go out to the car, uh,

Grab your eight ball of cocaine that you keep in the car purely for planting evidence purposes. Go back inside, ask an employee where the bathroom is and look kind of lost and wander your way back to the employee locker room. You notice the name on the waiter's name tag before all of this started. So find the locker that has their name on it.

Stick that in there. Go back to your table. Get the manager's attention. Let them know that you saw some white powder or substance or something on a waiter's nose and you have some concerns. They behaving erratically, whatever. Cops will be there in 10 minutes. You'll get a new waiter. Service will be impeccable.

The manager will see to it that you get everything you want so that you don't do anything crazy and talk about their coked up waiter who wouldn't bring you your drinks and appetizers. I believe it would work. How much is an eight ball? How much is that?

I honestly don't know. I know that term from like crime procedural crime drama TV shows. I assume an eight ball is either eight ounces or yeah, or magic eight ball size. If you buy the whole rack of 15, it's one 15th of the price. Okay. That's weird.

Eight ball refers to 3.5 grams of cocaine. Oh, because it's one eighth of an ounce. I didn't say that first. That must be how much a eight ball at a billiard set weighs. 3.5 ounces. That's probably right. I also know the term nickel bag from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. No, it's pronounced nickel back. Give me those drugs. Give me those drugs.

Look at these drums! Every time I do they make me high I think we both went the wrong way on this Bob What did Mark say at the start? He's like "when you're here you're family" or whatever So what we should have done is we should have kidnapped the waiter or waitress Taken them someplace, concreted their feet And then when they ask why we go "Because we were family" "You didn't treat us like family, you let down the family"

But a better accent than that. What accent was that? Were you trying to be like a mobster or something? I'm Ohio mob, but yeah, I was supposed to be. You let down the family. You let down the family. Hey, Tony.

Give me some of that gabagool. I need some pasta fazool. Now you guys are never going to know where the place where your family is. I think I figured out where it is. Oh, okay. Well, bonus points if you got it. It's Chuck E. Cheese.

No. No, isn't that Olive Garden slogan? It is Olive Garden. Yeah, that's why I said the salad and breadsticks because fazoles. Well, I was I did that cryptically because the the Portuguese didn't know about Olive Garden. They probably did, but I assumed that they didn't.

Was there a big rivalry between Olive Garden and Portugal? Say they hadn't seen Edward Burback's video about Olive Garden? I don't know. I don't know. I got another option. Mine involves, okay, in this universe, your close personal friends with Vin Diesel.

You call Vin, you tell him you're at a restaurant where they claim that when you're here, you're family. And then he gets outraged for you. And Vin Diesel comes into the Olive Garden and just starts shouting at everyone. It's about family. And then they're all like, Vin Diesel? And your service is actually way worse. But Vin Diesel's there.

Alright, it is an option. Alright, but what if you find your server's crush and you get with him and you have a kid and you leave the kid on their doorstep as your final revenge? They've gotta raise your kid with their crush.

That'll teach him. That'll fucking teach him. All right. What you do is you reach into the novelty pumpkin Halloween candy container that you use as a purse and you pull up cans of SpaghettiOs that you always carry with you just in case. And then since it's Italian food, nobody notices and you just eat cold SpaghettiOs right out of the can. Cause you're family. I thought you were... All right. Okay. What you

What you do is you help them hook up where they get to have sex, but it turns out they're at Camp Crystal Lake where having sex is a death sentence and then Jason Voorhees comes and machetes him.

So you move the restaurant secretly to... No, just their fuck time. All right. This Olive Garden is on the moon. You're inside where nobody has space suits on. You look at your waiter when you finally get her attention and you say, Hey, excuse me. I think one of our party is outside trying to find the entrance. Would you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant?

And without thinking, they go to the door and crack it open to peek out. But they don't have a space suit on. And they get sucked out into space and they freeze to death on the surface of the moon. Ha ha ha.

And then you get spaghetti from someone else. All right, well done. I think that was pretty good. Does any of that solve your problem? All of them solve it. All of them solve it. Problem solved forever. I can't believe you did an entire episode about Olive Garden. All right, we got some more, Bob. Let's go back. You're in the peach in the claymation movie, James and the Giant Peach. You're the spider. James is the waiter. What you do is you kill him.

That's it. That's great, guys. You really tapped into it. Very, very illegal. All those... I think we're on it. Yeah, I think we're really on this, Wyd. Oh, man, that's great. Okay, what about something a little, you know, less devastating? So this happens every time I travel. Like, I'm flying...

I check my bags. I get them free because fucking diamond medallion me over here. Holy shit. Three free bags or something. Unbelievable. Even they can be me overweight. They don't even care. They don't even care. Not Southwest anymore. Apparently, do you see what they're they're getting away with? They're they're giving they're stopping their one thing people liked, which was the free bags. Oh, I thought it was the pick your own seats, which I hate.

Yeah, that's not a positive. That's just them pretending that something shitty is actually a positive. You get to pick your own seat. You don't get to sit with your party. You get to pick your own separate seats. They're all middle seats. Have fun, stupid. When I'm flying.

And I'm in the lap of luxury and beautiful comfort plus. Sure, sure, sure. Anyway, but after I get off and I got away from my bags, I'm standing, you know, like a sane person outside of the actual belt away from it.

So that I'm not blocking up everything and you know people come off and they they get to my left They line up right next to me or maybe the film owners there I line up right next to them right about where you know the benches in the sitting area is Then comes fucko McGee over here as soon as it goes *BANG* *BWING* *BWING* and they start moving *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BWING* *BW

Right and knees touching the metal. This is I'm gonna get it as soon as it comes here. It's gonna be fast I better be ready and then suddenly every douchebag in the world comes flooding up and blocking every those even in front of me inside of me Don't matter. I was like, I could see everything now. I can see nothing I don't know why I picture them all looking like Fonzie but out of thriller and

And kind of walking like with their hands going like this and like bent leg as they approach the belt. Exactly that. Exactly that. You know, the douchebag walk. Bob, you're first. What do I do? This makes me so angry. I don't understand what happens to people, but the solution is easy. It helps if you've been on a longer trip, but you can actually start preparing before your trip if it's a short trip. What you're going to want to do...

is not shower or in any way bathe or wash yourself for a minimum of eight days in a row prior to having to stand and wait at baggage claim. I think the outcome here is pretty self-evident, but...

Basically, you want a pig pen-esque visible cloud of stank that not only smells so bad that people want to stay away from you, but creates an actual physical barrier where if people try to get close to you and they try and enter your area, it's like they're caught in a miniature tornado.

And little splinters and debris get lodged in their skin if they stay in it for too long. It's like a supernatural...

force field of stank. And I think you'll find you'll have lots of space in a number of different scenarios if you just prepare for your trips in this manner. And if it's a long trip, you can go, you can start your trip fully washed and then just make sure you lead up to the... Because when you're going somewhere and you have to do the baggage claim thing,

It's still stupid. But when you're getting home from a trip and you're like, oh, just let's get to the car and fucking the airport. That's the one where you really can't stomach the morons who push your three feet away from the thing. You're at the absolute minimum distance where you're like, I'm respecting the boundary, but I'm claiming my... And there's still some asshole who's like, excuse me, excuse me. The douchebag walk. Excuse me. Excuse me.

It's not illegal. Even you're totally welcome to do that. Like none. You can't, what are they going to do? Arrest you? They can't, can't get in the force field. They make a portable fog machine that I I've used before on set and like for film shoots and stuff. If you stuck that in your pants and suddenly you started emitting a fog, uh,

I think people would run away in the same way. You just burst a bunch of stink bombs inside of it. Then you turn on the fog. You fill it with stink juice instead of fart juice. That would be horrible. Well, you got to make yourself immune to it. So you got to endure it for like many months of just stink juice up your nose. The Rocky montage of fart juice. Yeah, no, it's like, it's like the princess. What's that? The princess bride. You slowly build up your resistance to Iocane powder, but it's not Iocane. It's stink juice.

Or a little bit in your drink every day. This is a complete aside and not related to what we're talking about, but can I just put this out there? Is there a greater joy in life than coming across a video on the internet of a person in one of those inflatable suits where there's a fan constantly sucking air into the suit to keep it like inflated and puffy and someone comes up behind them with a little bottle of fart spray and just hits him with the old and then the person in the suit is just like, yeah.

Is there anything funnier than that? Like, I know that there is, but when I, cause those always come out of nowhere, you'll be online. And then it's like, there's just a video of a guy in a Barney suit or something. And then that's the fart spray happens. And you're just like, Oh,

I needed that. Not particularly illegal, but I'll still take it. Wade, what do you got? All right, here's what you do. You've been waiting. They come up. They think they're all smooth, right? They're smooth sliding by. You get right in front of you like, oh, pardon me. And they get right in front of you to get their bag. Well, that's why you carry around your travel sandpaper. You get your travel sandpaper out. You put it on the conveyor belt. And you push the face down on it. And then you rub across it. Oh, you're going to be smooth when I'm done with you.

And slowly their skin just gets ripped off by the sandpaper. Then their bag comes and boops their nose just to rub it in even further. Did you coat the entire belt with sandpaper or did you put one square and you shove them down? You're like, this will teach you. Oh, got to really wait for it to come back around. It's a really big roll of travel sandpaper. It takes up a lot of space. It's a good size, like square, but...

But you do have to like rub it, wait for it to come around, rub it again. The dread, the dread of it coming back is what really will teach him a lesson. All right, I'll take that. This is relatively tame compared to the restaurant, but I guess- Well, I sort of thought we were going to escalate this one. I started relative. I thought we were going to- You got more? So you've got your carbon fiber retractable Assassin's Creed sleeve blade.

Right? Yeah. And they push by you. You wait until you see their bag coming, and you just stand there, and you blend in with the crowd, like in the games. And when the nuns start to get confused why you're walking around with them when you're clearly not one, and as you see your nemesis eye their bag, because you can tell there's a thing that happens when the bag comes around and the person is like...

And they like prepare their body to grab the bag. You get up right behind them, just outside of the range where they could send you real close and rise. They're about to reach for the bag and

right through their hand yeah like intercept the grab right through their hand retract the blade walk away back to the nuns go climb into a wagon full of hay when you go through the crowd do you do the where you touch everyone on the shoulders yeah you walk through the crowd and you do like the swimmy arms just don't accidentally bump the blade early yeah you gotta really watch out

Okay, alright, that's good. Assassin's Creed. Wade. Alright, I get there early. Like, before I... Like, the pre-flight, long time. And I know a guy who works at the airport. So I get some time to set up. You're waiting for your bag. Everyone's got their, like, generous three feet of... We'll call it three feet of space between them and the conveyor belt. And then...

People start coming in and they get close. And then the, like the little, and you hear the conveyors start to go. But as that triggers, something else triggers and everyone standing within,

That one foot radius of the conveyor belt. And then they lift up and you got your space to get your bags if you were patiently waiting the correct amount of space. I was thinking also, you could do that with your preparation time. I thought it was something where you paint an optical illusion spiral.

into the conveyor belt that only activates when it starts moving. So all the sheeple that start walking towards, they fall asleep, fall into the conveyor belt, and then get ground in the mechanisms. And you are smart enough to look away. That's where airport taco bells get their beef.

I forgot about the luggage shredders inside the conveyor belt. Oh, I'm sorry. You put anvil in the ceiling and a luggage shredder is too much for you? While E. Coyote doesn't believe in your luggage belt shredders.

You don't get your bag fast enough, it gets shredded. This one isn't affecting you directly, but it's affecting your experience and also just like public sanctity and common rules and like common decency as our fellow humans and guardians on this planet, right? Sure. Yes.

You're at an aquarium having a lovely time. Best time. Look at all the fish. Oh, the jellyfish exhibit. It's all dark in here. You see them. Oh, they're glowing. It's so cool. Walking through. All right. Then you hear tink, tink, tink, tink. That's it. Oh,

It's that odd sound. Ting ting ting ting. It's getting louder. Ting ting ting. You look behind you, there's someone, could be a little kid, just ding ding ding ding ding on the glass everywhere. Every single exhibit. Ding ding ting it on the glass. That's illegal by itself probably. How do I solve this even more illegally? Well, you bring your little shit bag out.

Pull it out of your backpack. A little shit bag. For the little shits that you have to deal with when you're at the aquarium. Is it a bag for shits? No, no, no. For little shits. Little shits, like with a hyphen. Not little shits, but little shits. Okay. You press the button, and it turns into a little exhibit of its own, and you slam it on top of the kid, and then you tell everyone, hey, little shit, little shit, and they all come over, and you all start, ding, ding, ding, ding.

on the kid in the glass oh they all know what that means instinctively huh oh everyone knows even the parents the parents will probably join and be like oh they're right actually there are statues i believe there are statues in china i believe of like these traitors that they made such of they're kneeling like their hands are tied and people come up to them and they slap the statues spit on them do all kinds of because because they're

With an I-T. I was thinking D-E-R-S, like they were trading. And I was like, we don't like trade. If there's one thing about China, they don't like trade. Grow your own or steal. No trading. Just food, baby. I visited China once and they found out I was a barterer. Almost got caught in the crossfire. They made a whole statue of you. No, I'm not a trader. I'm a barterer. All right, great, great, great, great.

Alright, Bob.

Turn around. Transform into top half shark, bottom half legs so you can still stand there. Look at him with your weird shark face and go, yes. And the kid is like, what? What? And you say, you knocked, right? And the kid goes, and then you bite his fucking hand off. And before you turn back into a human, you swallow his hand and you say, yes.

can knock on my fucking glass and then you just turn back into a human and walk away okay we'll remember that lesson for the rest of their life is that from the show i'm not familiar with maui's fish is that from the show the shark whatever the hell it was called oh yeah yeah it's a disney channel uh shark wheat i i know that from moana but i think that's actually just like part of the legend of maui the demigod yeah for sure for sure so

So super illegal. Very good. All right. Any other ways to deal with this guy or can we move on? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. You walk up to him and you say, oh, you want to see some really cool fish? Like, these are pretty cool, but I'll show you the really cool ones. Then you tie the little fucker up and you dangle him slowly into the piranha tank and let them nibble away at him piece by piece until there's nothing left. Like a cartoon. They turn into a skeleton. There's like wood chipper noises. You dangle him in the piranhas. He's like, hey!

Skeleton comes out. Yes. And they're like, oh no. And you're like, now you learned your lesson. And then they leave. But they're a skeleton forever. All right. Yeah. That's good. He's not going to forget that one. Bob, anymore? I don't think you could do much better than Maui's Magical Fish Hook. That was really good. I'll give that. I have an easier one. If you don't own Maui's Magical Fish Hook...

I think you just turn around and just give them a really disapproving glare. Nothing is more biting to a completely unaware child than the disapproving glare of a stranger they're not paying attention to. And you can go home with the satisfied feeling that you know that they know that you know what they did and you did not approve of it.

I could de-escalate if that's what we're doing. You give him some really thick, comfy gloves. Joe, for God's sake, just end it and move on. Fucking get your time out of ideas. And the gloves are magical fish summoning gloves, but actually they're just really thick cloth, so when he knocks, it doesn't make noise. All right. I thought we were doing the other reverse. Bob, we're doing the thing, right? Moving on. Come on, Bob. You fart. That's it. You fart. That's the end of it. Fart. Fart.

Just hope they walk through it. You don't even fart at them. You just fart in anger. You cup your hands around your butt. You somehow keep your hands closed and move your hands under your feet like one of those, like a prisoner escaping from his handcuffs. Go up to the kid and go, hey kid, look at this. And then they die. Because I was eating pure cyanide. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh my god. Well, hey, it's illegal here. It's illegal. I thought we were de-escalating. You went the wrong way, man. Oh, actually, wait. You wait till he gets to the giant exhibit with the big glass and he's tapping, right? And you have one of those glass breakers on the tip of your finger. And so you go up next to him. You look him in the eye and you start going, ting, ting, ting, ting. Crack, ting, ting, ting. Crack, crack, ting, ting, ting. Crack, crack, crack, ting, ting, ting. And he starts going, oh, you wanted this. And then...

You hold him up like Rafiki holding Simba from the whale shark. Whale shark, great white. All right. What you do is you go up to the kid and you say, you know, when you do that, you're summoning the sharks to come and eat you. And the kid is like, no. And then you jump up and a shark comes out of the tank and grabs you. And in front of the kid eats you and you do die. But the kid learns a lesson for the rest of their life.

It's like Deep Blue Sea, you know, when Samuel L. Jackson's like, I've had it with these motherfucking sharks on this motherfucker. And then the shark comes out and bites him. Yeah, you remember? Yeah, yeah. That's my favorite part of that movie. All right, moving on. I'm sure everyone has experienced this, but I'm going to put some specificity to this. You're walking, hallway, sidewalk, wherever, path, hallway.

Where there's guard rails, it's a fixed width, it's very wide, but it's fixed width path, right? Two people, just two are in front of you. And somehow, some way, this couple is taking up the whole width. And I've experienced this, where they are somehow, like their arms are spread, their backpack's swinging so wide that they couldn't possibly, and slow. Just...

just wide and slow, blocking up the entire space. You can't get around them. You're locked into this. It's cars going a million miles an hour. It's a subway train this way. It's not the same place. It's different places. Or the same place, whatever your mind's eye sees. Sorry, Bob. And so it's just, you can't get around them, no matter what. How do you do this? How do you deal with it? You're walking down the path towards them. You use...

your special cloning ability to become eight of yourself.

You take up the entire path. Like there's no physical way. It's a red Rover rules. They're not coming on over. They are getting pushed off of the path and it's their choice, whether they get pushed into the oncoming subway train or into the oncoming traffic on the road that are sandwiching this path. You're walking on with not a millimeter of space between path and certain death.

And you lock arm in arm and you slowly trudge towards them and let them pick their reward for taking up the entire path for no fucking reason. God, it's just train after train, one after another. It's just nonstop cars. It's like Frogger in this bitch. It's just like both multiple ways. It's like eight tracks wide. Even if they miss the first couple, there's no way that's that's.

really comprehensive it teaches them a lesson with the lesson they were failed to be taught technology's come a long way so you're behind them you're listening you listen to their conversation you pick up their names so on so forth eventually you manage to trudge out ahead you find a gap in the trains or cars just to pass them get up ahead a bit and you get some photos of them together cute photos for later

And then with technology, you become Brad's best buddy. You get some photos of you and Brad together. You get some photos of Brad and his other lady friends or male friends or what have you. Some compromising photos of them. And you, you know, you keep getting your dirt built up. You fall back behind him again. And then you come jogging up.

Brad, is that you? Huh? Buddy, I missed you! Oh my god, I can't... Who's this one? And you pull out your photos...

Nope, that's not her. That's not him. This is all three of us. And you ruined that guy's fucking life. So long, Conrad. They'll never be walking together again. How long are these people walking on this path? Well, they're annoying you that much, man. They're walking real slow, making out every few steps. Technology has come a long way. That's fast. Anyway. Bye.

Bob, you got any other ways? All right. This is illegal, but it's not violent against the people. You drove here in your tanker truck full of nuclear waste. Everyone, this is a path that loops back. So, you know, they're walking out. They're going to walk back. This is a, you know, whatever. It's a park where it loops back. Everyone parks in the parking lot and ends up back in the parking lot. You cut your walk short.

Head straight back to the parking lot. Boom. Huge chemical spill. Somehow this tanker truck full of nuclear waste emptied just...

all over every single car in the parking lot. It's all just, it's quarantined. It's locked down. No one can come within five miles of that location for the next 3000 years. Thanks to the half-life of whatever green goop was in your truck. Nobody gets hurt unless there was someone in the parking lot, but they should have known better. And, uh, they learned the lesson that

They learn it. The lesson, they learn it because it's in there. And that's where they learned it, at the park. They'll be like, well, we're not parking at this parking lot anymore. They won't be walking that path. They'll come back and they'll see all the people in hazmat suits and there'll be people fleeing for their lives. And they'll be like, oh no, we're blocking the whole sidewalk. We should let these people flee for their lives.

And then they'll be like, yeah, we shouldn't block the whole sidewalk anymore. That's how they learn the lesson. Somehow their repulsion field just prevents anyone from escaping. And the wall of radioactive waste is just tunneling. And then everyone dies. No, sorry. That makes it violent.

You take a bat and you beat their legs and break their legs and you break their arms and you say, hey, should have made more space for us, but you're a cute couple. You guys want to be together forever? So then you human kiss-a-peat them by sewing their mouths together so they're permanently kissing with their broken legs and broken arms and they can't really resist it. And then you kind of hang them up Hannibal Lecter style, making a fucking little thing to walk under, like an awning or something, of them with their broken arms and legs and mouths kissed together.

I don't teach them. But not too violent. Well, they're alive. So I, I think, have you seen the movie Walrus? No. All right. Well, you should look into it. Uh,

Kind of spoilers, but it stars Justin Long and there's no actual walrus in it. But there is at the end. It's not great, but it's mostly confusing. Oh, it's called Tusk. Whatever the fuck. Tusk. I don't know. If you Google Justin Long walrus, it comes up. Oh.

Oh, I don't like him. You know why I found out about that and why Justin Long finds himself in that situation? Why? Because he's an asshole podcaster who does a podcast where he kind of makes fun of people for having eccentric beliefs or whatever. And the guy who eventually captures him and does this to him agrees to be a guest on his podcast. And so Justin Long goes out to his mansion and

and is like interviewing him, but he's kind of an asshole. And then the guy does the walrus stuff. Is that what you do to the people? Basically, you tusk them. Yeah. But actually, they become two meerkats, but not so cute because big and, you know,

Okay. Got it. So you go on Etsy or Amazon, one of these sites. You order a Captain America outfit. You put it on. You're running up behind them as they're walking to get to the path. And you say, on your left. And then they hopefully move out of the way and you pass. Alright.

That's such a wild swings from technology's come a long way. Human dissapear. Hey, listen, I give you a variety of options. You choose what level of intensity you want to go with. I appreciate that, man. I appreciate it. All right, let's wrap it up there. Man, we had some more ideas. What about Olive Garden, Bob? Call your friend Ultron. Ulti!

I'm gonna read the points and then I'll add, you know, who had the best time, whatever definition that is to the wheel. But we'll start with Bob because you're on the left here. You got a point for suicide hole. You got a point for how much is an eight ball. That was just a question I had. Olive Garden, separate point for Olive Garden on the moon. Pigpen-esque cloud, fart suit prank, assassin's carbon fiber.

Maui's magic hook. I just wrote shark. That was a separate idea. Eight magic clones, nuclear waste, and you tusk them. I'm killing it. Mark usually only gives out a handful of points. Wade, you got the deer.

Actually a bitch. That'll fucking teach him. Give me those drugs. You see what was that? Give me those drugs. I don't remember. Your travel sandpaper. Anvils. Little shit bag. Little shits bag. Sorry. Piranha tank.

Technology's come a long way. Human kiss-a-peed. And on your left, which one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Nickelback. Give me those drugs. Oh, yeah, yeah. For God's sake.

I knew it was funny. I laughed at it. I just couldn't remember why. All right, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. Damn. You guys were killing it this game. Bob marginally more by one point, but we'll see how the wheels shake up to do that. Give me a three. A D3. Please roll a D3 die. Here we go. And start to...

Three! Alright! Damn! And I added for you, Mark, I added had the best time, right? That's great. That's great. Good. Thank you for that.

Wearing the least amount of clothes. I got three pieces. I have socks, pants, underwear, undershirt, and shirt on. No socks. Oh, yeah. Usually do two shirts, Bob. I forgot about that. I do. Yeah, I have an undershirt on today. Just one. So that's one up. It would be tied right now. It could technically be a tie, but depending on how these points shake out. Oh, one man show opportunity.

Oh shit, that's a tough one for this episode. Who got the biggest laugh? What did get the biggest laugh? There was a lot of laughs. Bob, you had consistently really funny stuff, but I think one of Wade's jokes made me laugh really hard. It was either between like, I think it was the third iteration of That'll Fucking Teach Him, just because it had like callback in there, and also just the insanity of human kissapete.

Oh, eight magic clones and the froggers stuff really made me laugh hard. This was a, this was a laugh heavy episode. I don't know what the biggest laugh is. This was a really, the olive garden and the moon. I was dying.

Give me those drugs. I did laugh. Oh, man, I don't know. I don't fucking know. I mean, it's I'm not. Yeah, I feel like it's pretty balanced, actually. It's your discretion, Mark. I laughed a lot at Wade's stuff. So if you think it's an even one, I'm OK with respins on this if we can't figure it out.

I think if anything, like, this was pretty equivalent in terms of the funnies. I had a great time. You boys should be very proud. I laughed really hard at my own stuff, Bob's stuff. Like, I think we all had some bangers, so I don't know. Yeah. How about I flip a coin for this? Heads, wave your tails. ♪

heads! Bob's up Bob's up by one this could either decide it or tie it all right come on baldest I don't know if there's gonna be a debate if it's baldest that's trouble for Mark

Well, that's a point for the viewers there. Viewers took it away from me. I feel like it's landed on those a lot. They're lucky. So with an extremely close game of a toss up of that coin toss, Bob takes it by one point. Congratulations, Bob. Cool.

That was very funny. You guys, I know that puts a lot on you guys for making up this stuff, but just like last time, what was it, like a five-gallon bucket of wood glue? Yeah, it didn't wait to kill God with a shotgun or something. I don't fucking... Probably. I kill God. Just shoot a shotgun in the air and hope you hit God because it's his fault.

If you haven't listened to the first Illegal Advice, it's back in 2023 in October. It's a ways back, but very funny episode these guys were on. All right, again. Bob, I'm going to let you go first. Winner speech. I love these episodes. I can never tell when they're starting off if stuff is just going to be unhinged and weird or unhinged and funny.

But consistently, Wade will say or do something that will get me in the right mindset to just like completely go off the rails and say the craziest shit I can think of. And I honestly think if it was not for Wade, I wouldn't have won this one. But I did win it and it's my win and I'm keeping it.

Okay, fair enough. All right. Wade. I'm happy to be someone's muse if that's what it is. I just enjoy the laughter. I think laughing and smiling is so much better than the alternative. So even if I lose, knowing that we got to laugh, even if no one watching or listening laughed, I laughed. I found us hilarious. And that's all that really matters. What a hot take. Laughter fun. I love me. And when me happy, me like that.

And as the host who had nothing to do with most of the jokes, I take all the credit. So this is an incredible episode that I host. Thank you, me, for being me. And everything that I'll do in the future will be, hopefully, as funny as something that happened in this episode.

Thank you. Follow the podcast for more. We're on Spotify and YouTube and anywhere that we are listenable but only watchable on Spotify and YouTube. So go check them out there. Be sure to follow on all of them so it makes us look real good. And then, yeah, merch eventually. But sooner than you think. Later than you know. Podcast out.