Mark of Theseus
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This episode, Marquis Mark mentions a murder and upgrades a la Dr. Frankenstein. Brittle Bob gives a friendly fridge update, suggests slicers, manual mandolins, giving Logan head, and nutrition ninjas. Well-endowed Wade has citrusy canines, proposes power poses, gummy gonads, total tools, and a Stark special. From listener lethality to polloiding a pal's penis. Yeah! Ha ha ha ha!

It's time for Mark of Theseus. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Good evening, everyone, and welcome... I don't know if it caught the beginning of that. I thought you said poopy, everyone. Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Distractible, my co-host and not-in-frame. We are the podcast that brings you weekly, bi-weekly... Die weekly? Die weekly, definitely. Is that a threat? You don't enjoy, you don't fall, you die. Die weekly, decease monthly...

Pass semi-annually. It's actually pronounced di-stractable. People have been getting it wrong this entire time. Finally, we're letting them know the secret. There's many secrets, many Easter eggs. No one's found them or the prizes that are connected to them. I'm honestly surprised the subreddit is not just blowing up. We overestimate them.

They're ignorant, but it's okay. I am Markiplier. I'm hosting today's episode because I won last time, and that means I have to subject these two wonderful, beautiful competitors to my whims. I know you said nice things, but I was fully prepared to be offended by your descriptors of us, and I'm taking a little aback. You can be offended. I don't think that's appropriate. You were very nice. Well, thank you. You get one nice point. I wasn't listening. Do I get a point for obliviousness? Yep. Oblivion point. I'll give you that. Great game. Needs a remake.

I don't know if it needs a remake. I don't know if that was a great game. Not great game. Don't play it, but great game. Morrowind, I think, was a great game. Oblivion was just, oh man, he's the cousin at the family reunion you don't want to talk to, you know? Damn, what?

Looks odd. But there's so much funny shit if you're willing to put hundreds of hours into it. Oh, yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. Also, I really should have brushed my teeth, man. I just ate orange chicken and I can still see it. My teeth are very orangey. Yum. I haven't eaten anything. I'll tell you what, though. I've been doing like a high protein diet. I have to smile. I haven't eaten anything. I haven't eaten anything. Not because I've been cutting on carbs a lot. Not to talk about diet. Like, I'm sorry for everybody who doesn't like to talk about diet. But this is...

I like it. Not eating carbs is really good for your teeth. Like my teeth feel healthier. It's something about how carbs and sugars just kind of ferment in your teeth. And if you're not super careful about flossing and brushing all the time, it can catch up to you. And so not having that has actually been quite good for my teeth. I always speed on the highway, so nothing catches me. You don't have a car. Damn, man.

I give you a lying point. I was just imagining you running. Crank it up. Funny story about that. I think this is the first time we've chatted since Thanksgiving. It's been a minute. So apparently there was, I don't know if it's a TikTok thing or if it was just one off what it was, but my nephews over at Thanksgiving were showing me something on their phone where there was like an uncle race, like the family uncle race. The four old dudes got into a line and started running and like one of them stopped immediately. One of them like fell over.

one of them kind of just veered off to the left and one of them kind of like to the finish line. My nephews were like, we need an uncle race. And my brother was like, no, I was like, I'll uncle race. And they're like, well, there's no one else to race. I was like, what if I race you? They're like, Uncle Wade, we don't want to put you to shame.

We lined up and I beat those little shits. I fucking outran every single one of them. I still got it. That's because kids don't have any idea of what age really is. So you versus a 90 year old man is basically the same in their mind. So 35, I still got it, man. I'm still in my prime.

I'm up. I just said I want to race. What do you mean downplay? I'm saying I'm awesome. Yeah, but you're saying it in a way. For our age, I'm awesome. There we go again. What? You're qualifying. Why are we qualifying? You have to qualify to go to the Olympics too, Mark. Just some people go to the Olympics. It's okay for them. Those words are technically related to each other, yes. Thank you. I rest my case, Your Honor. Bye.

Bob, how's your life? Good. Really good. I've been sick for a month and a half straight. That's great, man. I've been sick. Manny's been sick. Baby's been sick. It turns out babies just bring in all kinds of little everything because he has no immune system. And then everyone passes it around because we all, you know, we...

hang out a lot. James got sick first, a while back in October. And then I got sick and then Mandy got sick and then Mandy kind of stayed sick. And then I kind of got better. And then James almost got better, but then he got more sick and then he kind of got me sick again. And I think I just got Mandy sick again. We've all just had like a cough and a sore throat and a stuffy nose for like a month and a half. It's good. It's going good. Also, I think I shortened my life accidentally by about a decade because I installed a handrail

on our front porch, we have concrete steps up to the front of our house and there's no railing or anything on our porch. It's like super dangerous. And so I was putting a handrail in and to do that, I drilled into the concrete. After I did all this, you're supposed to wear like a, like an N92 kind of mask for particulates. Cause when you drill concrete, it makes like really fine mesothelioma type dust. It's not mesothelioma, but it's,

And while I was doing it, I was like drilling, which hammer drilling concrete, very unpleasant. It's literally like for like millimeters at a time. And while I was doing it, I had that moment of like, Oh,

Oh, well. And then I kept going and I did that for about four hours. I'll probably die soon of lung debris or whatever we get from concrete dust. That's good. Going good. Everything's great over here. Good. I wonder why you're sick for a month and a half. I have no idea. Can I ask for specific small talk from Bob? Yeah.

Yeah, it's called a question and conversations that usually, you know. Well, I'm not one in a long time. So the things I used to take for granted, I don't know anymore. It's been a while since I've been on the winner's podium. I'll give you a pedantic point. Bob, how was your Thanksgiving? Because the last we talked, your fridge situation was less than ideal. That feels like it was so long ago now. It was last week.

It feels like it was a long time ago. It was last week as of today. Oh, it was at least two or three weeks this episode aired. It was at least three weeks ago. I told the whole story. Best Buy totally screwed us over. But we went to another local place on Tuesday afternoon. We went to this place, picked one out. On Wednesday afternoon, they came, they installed that bad boy. It was cold.

That evening, that fridge made ice by the time guests were arriving the next day for Thanksgiving. Hell yeah. Yeah. So that local store, which the name of which I can't remember currently, it's like Appliance Factory. Appliance Factory. Appliance Factory Mattress Outlet. The guys that work there were super nice. Literally, when we got there, there was a truck loading that was about to leave. And we talked to the guy. We were like, we need this like for tomorrow. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving weekend.

or tomorrow's the day before Thanksgiving. We have no fridge. Can you help us? And he was like, hey, Gary, like, just wait a minute. Just like hang out in the back. OK, take a break. I'll hold the truck here. And if you guys decide to buy this fridge, we'll put it on that truck and it will take it out to like the warehouse and then they'll deliver it to you guys tomorrow. And they did. And it worked. We literally bought it. They did. It was great. Great serve. And the dude texted me every step of the way. He texted and was like, hey, did the delivery guys reach out to you?

Yeah. Okay, good. Good. Hey, did they show up? Yeah, they're at your house now. Okay, great. Great. Couldn't be better. So you're saying the lesson here is that sometimes small operations are much better than giant corpos? Dude, every day for the rest of my life is going to be small business Tuesday or whatever the hell that's called. I just thought, honestly, it was, they had a big showroom. It was a very nice store. It's not like it was a mom and pop place, but it's a local place. I'm down to give my money to a local business 100% of the time.

from here on out because the big box stores have never done a good thing to me unless i'm going in and grabbing the product myself they've always been terrible if our ratings start to slip next year though you got to go back oh yeah i'll totally recant all that i'll do anything for a sponsor don't worry oh i was thinking more for content but sponsored too i guess oh yeah no whatever i guess content but i mean we could stage all kinds of stuff for content i don't have to

Every time you pass an alley and someone goes, want to buy a fridge? You gotta go in there for the content, man. You just gotta. Just have a basement with like eight fridges in it. Can't stop. It'd actually be really cool if a guy did that and like opened up his jack and he said like little models of fridges. And he's like, yeah, which model do you like? What are you looking for? And you're like,

just open the little tiny models and they were just tucked in his jacket. I mean, it could work. And what it turned out, he's totally legit. You go into his dark alley and then you pick one and he pulls out like a clipboard with a bunch of work. And he's like, all right, well we can get this delivered to you in about a week. I want to be alley trench coat fridge guy. Now, do you want to sign up for the alley appliance store rewards program? It's free to sign up. And, uh, you know, there's just, you'll get some emails. It's,

Helps you, helps us. - 20% off this fridge right now. - Well, good, good. I'm glad Wade, you asked Bob about that fridge update. I gave him the point for that. - Thank you. - That's fair. - I totally forgot we hadn't resolved that. I can't believe that. - It's been a while since we've talked, a long time. - Speaking of catching up, did you guys see the news story about the United Healthcare CEO? - I did.

Did you see simultaneously there was a story coming out where Blue Cross Blue Shield was going to change their policy about covering anesthesia during procedures? What a coincidence. I did see that. You know, interesting thing. Today, I saw that they decided not to go through with that. Yeah, they were going to make it worse for people. And today they're like, what if we don't do that? And it's like, what a weird coincidence. We live in wild, scary times, man. Yeah.

And for those that don't know, there was someone that shot the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. We do not condone that in any way, shape, or form. But at the same time, one of the commonalities that I see online is that no one seems to be surprised. A lot of people aren't even upset. It is interesting. You see a lot of stuff. I mean, even we don't really talk politics, but even earlier this year, Trump, during the campaign campaign,

was shot at and grazed by trapnol or a bullet or whatever it was. He is possibly the most divisive person thing in our country. And even that people were like, well, guys, violence, come on now. Like this is not the way. Go vote, you know? And then the UnitedHealthcare CEO and literally I'm struggling to find online people being like, violence is not the answer. Everyone is kind of like, ooh, okay.

The most common response I saw was how many people died to your policies? It's like, Jesus. No, I mean, it's really fucked up that he died and he's a person, but also the sentiment online about it is telling, I think, to the state of things. The sentiment boils down to, from what I see, is a, well, who?

plus two equals four in this scenario, you know, you can see where the math got to this point. And so that's basically the most even opinion I've seen. Uh,

But this does bring me to another conversation that I've been thinking about because what better time to take advantage of the probably new beneficial benefits that we're going to get from our health insurance and have an opportunity to improve our lives forever. Are we selling distract assurance? No. Welcome to the Mark of Theseus.

I have here... I have here... A drawing of myself. You look very derisive in your drawing. Dude, I'm seeing you guys in like 180p, so that's not doing me any favors. No, no, it's not. You can see it. You can tell. So I have a...

a blank slate because I want to do a top to bottom replacement of almost every part of me because I think it's just time to redo from the ground up. So how this is going to work is I'm going to propose one of my many, many body parts.

body parts that I have for upgrade. And I want you two to propose what upgrade that part is going to have. And I will pick whoever is more enticing of an upgrade for the new me that is going to be me in the future. And then whoever gets that

spot we'll get that point and then at the end of it I will be a whole new me and will I be the same me do we have any like budgetary restrictions or anything or is it just the sky's the limit insurance will cover it now laughing

Things really are changing. What an inspiring episode. Yeah, let's do it. What's this episode called? God bless health insurance company. No, Mark of Theseus. The Mark of Theseus. Are you sure it's not called the body of Markius? No, that doesn't work. That's way worse, actually. The ship of Marky. Mark's parts. Just abandoned Theseus altogether. Oh, man, but people won't click on that. No, yeah, we got to clickbait it a little bit. Mark's parts. Parentheses. Yeah, ship of Theseus stuff. All right.

- All right, Wade, you're gonna go first for reasons I can't explain. Pick a part and we're gonna start with that and you're gonna present something. Or no, here we go. You pick a part, Bob has to go guess first or say what it is. - All right, all right. - Okay, I still, I literally cannot see the drawing, but-- - Are you familiar with the human body? - I'm just telling you right now, you guys have been kind of coming in a little rough for me, so I don't know. Let's go with his left shin, is that marked specifically? Is that a knee? - It's a leg.

just the leg itself it's just the leg man listen man everyone watching this is going to see the drawing and understand it's censored for me the whole thing is like it's behind a sensor bar so i'm doing my best it is a few pixels short of ps3 era graphics for us but specifically left leg i did separate the body out if we run out of time i'll start smashing bodies together and we'll just assume it's the same one but left leg all right

Left leg. I mean, this might be controversial and I'm going to have to sort of describe this for you, but I feel like you seem like a right leg guy to me. Like if you're kicking something, it's you need your right leg. That's that's the that's an that's a right leg activity. So left leg is really sort of second fiddle. And I feel like you could upgrade that substantially if you replace left leg with, you know, those Segway wheels where you stand on it and you can like

It's like a one wheel almost, but it's like you replace your left leg with some kind of wheel based traversal instrument where it's like you can just pick your right leg up and you become you become like a wheelie man. You know, you got to get the wheels. What's that guy? The duck guy who has the wheel legs. Oh, yeah. What is it? Yeah, I know who you're talking about. The duck man. Space duck man. Space duck wheel. Space duck wheel. Duck wheel. Duck wheels. Oh, yeah.

You know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he dives into the pile of coins. Right. All right, so wheel, I think, is what that boy... At first, I thought you were going to say, you're a right leg guy, so you know what your left leg should be? Another right leg.

No, I just say you don't need it for as much. So the wheel, it takes away some of the functionality that your left leg currently has, but your right leg really is the one you need for that. It's like a powered, like self-balancing, gyroscopically stabilized wheel system. It's like a whole thing. That's important. Okay. All

Wade, what do you think? Counterpoint to that. All right, left leg. So we know you're a right leg guy. You kick with your right leg. We accept that. So left leg is kind of a plant leg, but your plant leg's important. So you need to be made out of something sturdy. I'm thinking a power line, like a power pole that has electric wires going to it. Yeah.

Okay. I'm just thinking ahead here. You might need some extra juice for the future or for future projects and endeavors. You can never have enough power. If there's one thing I've been maybe fighting with with these monitors is power. You've got the servers, solar panels, power. So why not have a leg that's already hooked up to juice some more power in? He's hooked.

by power cables into the power grid already and permanently or not necessarily hooked in yet, but he can hook in and he's got the cables ready to go. He can be connected. It's like a big power strip, but also it's a big metal or wooden like just power pole and it's strong.

Is it leg length or is it power pole length? I think that's going to depend on what we do with the right leg. We'll have to plan out the right leg and figure out length accordingly because we want them probably to be even unless you and I are really mean, which we might be. Oh, I know. You know what? I see what you're doing. You're pandering here. You're telling Mark in a backhanded way that he could be much taller with your power pole legs. Is that true, Wade? Is that true? Could I be? You could be. Love it. Take it. I'll take it.

All right, 100%. No, I like, okay, here's what I'm thinking. He's got a point. I do need to plan for the future. I might as well start from a powerful stance, both in terms of stability and power ability. For some reason, I'm going with powerful. Despite the other suggestion being obviously superior in many listable ways. I could, the other one could be a wheel. I haven't decided. But you're a right leg guy.

It's going to be really funny if we go to right leg and I'm like wheeling that one. I'm shocked that this, I'm shocked this isn't just a battery, but at the same time, that could be dangerous for all I know. So, you know, PowerPool is much safer. Yeah, man, you got a torso for that too. You're right.

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All right. Okay. All right. Bob, would you like to pick a body part? Yes. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Is left nut and right nut separated out? Yes, they are separated. Yeah. Let's go right nut. Right nut. Okay. All right. Right nut. Wade, what do you got for my right nut? Oh, man. Well, based on the fact that's the first time I've seen the drawing, I wasn't prepared for this. Let me think. Don't you know what a human body is comprised of? I'm going to be blown away with every part I learned about today. Okay.

Where's the pee hole? Where's that come out? I think we talked about that once. That's true, that's true. I'm gonna go with a gumball. Expound? One, it maintains current shape, fits the form, doesn't result in children. Two, emergency snack. You get hungry.

You're out and about. You need something to chew. You got a gumball. And if there's one thing I've learned from being a fucking student, it's that gum under desks last forever. So that gumball will be good and ready. So you could put it back. You could just keep chewing it and putting it back. You can mold it back into a circle. It might be a little bit misformed, but yeah, you can put it disformed. You can put it back.

I'm thinking a gumball. Yeah, say no more. The amount of gum that I know Mark chews at a time, putting literal multiple packs into his mouth all at once to get the gum satisfaction that he seeks. It's not going to he's going to need a big left nut to compensate for how big that gumball is going to have to be. Are you saying Mark doesn't have big cojones right now? I don't know if his nuts are currently big enough to satisfy his gum lust, but I would be surprised. He also didn't eat today and he could have had gum.

These are all mysteries that no one will ever know the answer to. So...

Might as well just skate on past some of those questions and get down to the suggestion. Well, you can't. You didn't take the wheel, Bob. What am I doing here? Right nut? The one I picked? Right nut. What'd you pick? I did that. This might be more niche than I'm thinking it is, but it also just creates a lot of opportunities. You're not a big gambler, which sort of helps with the setup for this. It would be impossible for anyone to really challenge you because it'd be a kind of a weird thing to check. It looks like a right nut, but...

But what it actually is, is a card dispenser that dispenses royal flushes into your pants. And so whenever you're playing poker, if you go to the casino, you're playing with your buddies or whatever, it's discreet. It's under the table. You just need to get like a special pair of pants or work on, you know, maybe wear shorts or something. You can develop your sleight of hand abilities and your right nut could help you.

win a lot of money at card games how good does your sleight of hand have to be be like oh look over there that's the thing is that you're you gotta shimmy it down your pant leg or you gotta it's not just a direct reach and pull you gotta is there a printer so you can match the back of the cards uh it's quasi supernatural the cards are always the correct kind of cards wow oh

Okay. Wow. That's really a 3d printer, right? None. I wouldn't have expected. You said there were no limits. I'm assuming with enough time and money, such a testicle could be invented. And my health insurance will cover it. That is much more useful than a gumball. It is.

you know, the subtlety of a printer in my pants going, you just have to like time a sneeze or something. I don't know. Every time you play poker, you're just like, sorry guys. And I cough like that. Every, every hand, it seems like it's crazy. And then they're going to fold. So I can pick up on his tail. Every time you do that, you've had a great hand. I fold.

Every time you do that, you have five of a kind. What the fuck even, what are we playing? I think that's, okay, if it doesn't help for gambling and I get banned from Vegas, it's a great magic trick. So I'm going to go with the quasi supernatural. We all make mistakes. Card nut. Yeah, he already missed out on wheel, so he's making up for it. Hey,

I got power pole, you know, I don't regret that yet. It's not even renewable energy, Mark. You're just going to wire yourself into the same cold choked grid that everyone else. You don't know what my head's going to be. You don't know what it's going to be. That's true. That's true. That's true. There's a long way to go. We're making blazing progress. All right. We're going to go left arm. Well,

He loved the lefties. He's Lefty Wade. I didn't pick left the first. Did I pick left leg? I did pick left leg. Yeah, you picked left leg to open this. There's only been one choice you've made and it's left leg. No, I made gumball. I made power pole. No,

left arm all right this might be controversial uh we all know i really like tick tock and i've been watching a lot of tick tock and if there's one thing that i know to be a fact of life it's that sometimes you need to eat an entire cucumber and for that reason i propose that your left arm be replaced with that thing you can buy on the tick tock shop where it's like a it's like a mandolin but you crank it and you shove the cucumber in and it slices it into little slices

It's also a cheese grater. It comes with different inserts. It's a multiple use tool. Okay. Left arm as seen on TikTok. Are you unfamiliar with the sometimes you need to eat an entire cucumber? Let me show you how. I've been off TikTok for a bit. I've been on YouTube shorts.

Oh, you guys are missing out. Would recommend. It was destroying my brain. That's why I stopped. Well, the cucumber guy, he makes a lot of really good authentic Korean food. I think he lives in Korea. It's very, very cool. He's like an American kid who lives in Korea. It's fascinating. He makes delicious looking snacks. And he goes to 7-Eleven and Korean 7-Eleven looks fucking awesome. Oh, Korean convenience stores are awesome. It looks amazing.

Okay, that's going to be tough to beat. I probably... Wade, left arm. Like a long, normal arm-sized electronic component that ends in a multi-tool, like a Planet Crafter style, where you can put in an input and it will craft. It's almost like a 3D printer, almost like your nut will be. But the multi-tool is used also for like...

defense it can shoot like lasers that way if you need to defend yourself but they're about kicking your power pole leg or planting it i don't know what your right leg is going to be yet so you know you might have some defense there i don't know think about the possibilities of just having the multi-tool built in you don't have to carry you don't have like oh where'd i put my multi-tool and you've got the leg to power it right there left arm the leg doesn't generate power hang on let's be clear that's true

It can. The leg is a wooden pole with wires on it. Oh, there'll be a battery. I will stick that in there somewhere. We're getting a battery in this man. Okay, well, now we're just writing checks our body can't cash here. Yeah, so don't leave me high and dry. This is a new me, and you guys are responsible for... Well, how are we powering the cucumber slicer? You gotta have some power somewhere. It's hand crank. It's not... It's old school. It's literally manually powered. This is 2024. We don't need to manually do anything, Mark.

mark. Yes, we do. If you need to eat a whole cucumber, you just manually do it. What do you mean? Or you swallow it whole. What if we give him no gag reflex? I can only hope. All right. So Wade, your idea is very ambitious, but it's really nonspecific. If you'd have said like inspector gadget arm, I might go for that. Well, have you played planet craft or you know what the multi-tools capable of? I don't remember what that game was about.

So unfortunately, I don't know that reference. I don't know what exactly it is. I can't risk that. But I love mandolin multi-cooking tool. It's like a multi-cooking tool with blades. And I know blades work versus obscure multi-tool and

I could always still just hold a multi-tool. So I'm going with the mandolin arm. It's your body, man. I won't fight you too hard. But you're wrong. Well, I'll fight once I get my mandolin going. You better watch out. Yeah, you're not going to want to fight him here in another couple, 10, 15 minutes. He's going to watch you out.

All right, multi-mandolin. All right, we're going to have to pick up the pace a little bit. I want to go big. I know what I want. Yeah, what do you want? Head. Head, okay, head. Is it head or brain? It's kind of just head. I thought about doing brain, but head. Eyes, nose, and mouth are separate, and hair is separate, but head. Wave. Looking up the name, something. The head is where your mouth and your eyes are, wave. What?

I could describe it for you in more detail if you would like. You know where you don't have hair? That's the head. Thanks, man. Okay, replacing your whole head, I'm assuming there's other small things on there to put on the head, right? So don't worry about your eyes and stuff. Yeah, because eyes, nose, and mouth are separate. So ideally, your proposal allows for those to still, but does not encompass those. So do not include the eyes, nose, or mouth in your suggestion for the head. Head could include brain and whatever else is in there. Who knows? Mystery, but

10. All right, I got the answer. We're going to replace it with a Lego block. One big one? Like one big Lego block that's got multiple holes and stuff on it, right? If Bob wasn't here to save your suggestions, because I was thinking tiny little Lego block. Thank God he said big. I was going to specify here. I don't know if you were going to. I don't know.

I am going to specify, but I had to let you guys hear the genius before I expounded. I won't talk. Genius all over me. Let's do it. So Lego block, right? And I don't really care if it's one big one. I was thinking one big one. You can make it out of little ones, I guess. But what you need to have is you need to have room for the inputs. So you can have the holes and stuff for your eyes, nose, mouth, ears, whatever. Also, Lego block allows you to change out hair whenever you want because there's just the...

and you can have kind of whatever appearance you want. You can even change Lego block heads out. Lego blocks allow you to have basically any appearance you want, and you can put anything into those holes, whether they're Lego or not, so that way you can have the inputs for whatever we decided for eyes, nose, mouth. On top of that, if someone steps on your head,

Dude, they're not gonna want it. They're gonna feel that pain. Your head, impervious to damage. All it does is inflict pain. You're right. He's 100% correct about that. Rest my case. I guess that's hard to argue with. Okay, are you done? Is that it? Is that it? Yeah, man, I'm done with my checkmate. Okay, get ready for this one. This is out there. I'm pushing the limits. Okay. We're gonna replace your head...

Your head made out of Wolverine style self replenishing adamantium. You get the same head, same shape, same bits. That's a lot of midface, man. Hey, come on, man. Hey, come on. What the hell, man? We can adjust. It can be tweaked. What the hell, man? It's just you just and it's not any of the rest of you to be super clear. This is not a thing where I'm going to build this. And it's just from the neck up.

You have Wolverine, Adamantium, Skeleton, Self-Regenerating, Magic Head. Now, I really got to weigh these two suggestions against each other. You know, wait, that was a really good one. Lego block is pretty much the best you can have. If you're afraid of a lot of people stepping on your head, I can't disagree.

At that height, I would be. By the skin of my head, I think I'm going to go with the Wolverine regenerating Adamantium. So my skin regenerates too, and... Yeah, you get full Wolverine abilities, but only in your head parts. It's going to be really awkward when the rest of you dies. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's going to lead to some weird consequences, but like you'll deal with that. By the time that's a problem, they'll probably be able to like give you a new, you know, robotic body or something. It'll be silly. We'll solve that later. Yeah. At least I got the powerful, you know? All right, wait, we're going to do nose, not left nose. I want to be clear. Nose. This was what I was trying to like think ahead a little bit. This is what I didn't think of. I'm formulating. I can't see it in my mind, but like I kind of, I'm trying to see it in my mind, you know, the aphantasia. Oh,

I am going to go with the opposite of a nose. I'm going to replace your nose with an oil diffuser, a scented oil diffuser. It will make, instead of you having to smell all the smells in the world, you will emanate only good smells. You will be the thing that smells so good.

And if you'd want to, you can leave it empty. You don't have to fill it up. It's not a magical oil diffuser. You can choose to not fill it up or whatever. My body creates the oils and exudes it. Maybe what you eat affects it. Maybe it's like if you eat a lot of oranges, you know, you sort of, that adds oranges into your oiliness. Don't eat ass. Yeah, careful.

That's good advice for life, Wade. Just saying, man, you better be careful. Well, all right. So instead of a smeller, it's a smelly or a smell, smell the. Yeah, be a smelly. Wade, how are you going to beat that? All right, we're going, I'm going the opposite of that. We're going back to nose, but we're going stronger nose. We're going to give you, I don't remember what animal had the strongest sense of smell, but we're going to give you the outer appearance of your nose, but on the inside.

We're going full like, fucking, what was it? Elephant or wolf or fox or whatever the hell it was. We're going to give you a super sniffer. It's definitely elephant.

your blanket sweep of possible nose-based animals. Whatever the hell the animal... Look, man, we can do the research later, but we're doing the super sniffer because you've got Wolverine's head, so you can just pound cocaine and you're not gonna damage your fucking nostrils. It'll just heal right back up. Oh, strong like that. Oh, okay. You're going all

All in, baby. Wait, you know what? Mark, we laughed. African elephants have the best sense of smell in the animal kingdom. I remembered it being something weird, man. That's what I thought. Sounded funny. I thought it would be like a bloodhound or something like that. That's what we thought when we were doing the little figurines on the cabinet in that episode that you hosted, man. I remember an elephant. It came to mind. You know, it's a fairly basic answer, but honestly, I'd rather if I lost my ability to smell at all, I would be very depressed.

So I'm going to go with the super nose. Super sniffer. Is it an elephant nose, though? We're going to go interior. You're not going to have a long trunk. This is this is like a bag of holding nose. Like on the outside, it's human size, but on the inside, it's elephant size. I mean, you've got Wolverine's fucking head. So I feel like maybe I can give you the power to smell better. I don't know. You're like Hermione at the Quidditch World Cup, but it's your nose. You're just like...

A whole tent. We can afford anything here, including magic. Insurance will cover it. So Super knows it is. I dipped us into the supernatural. I feel like that's totally fair. All right, fair. It has been declared fair, but Wade, you win the point. All right, Bob, pick a part.

- Where? - I'm gonna cut right to the important parts. Heart. - Heart. - Got it. - Wade, what's my heart? And you can't say super heart. - Super duper heart. - Oh God, okay. I gotta think here because we've got cucumber slicer arm. We've got Wolverine's head, super sniffer. You didn't go gumball, so I feel like your testicle was useless. And then power pole leg. We got a couple things here that are gonna need some juice. So we're just gonna go with some kind of fantastic battery.

I'm not the technological expert here. We'll do some research. You guys obviously know, but your heart pumping out the important juice to all the other parts. We need like a little mini nuclear fucking power plant or we need something powerful in there producing because we're not going to give you blood, man. We got to give you power. Tony Stark built this in a cave. We're scrapped.

Some like Iron Man's fucking thing. That's what we're talking. I'm going to get, I'm going to ask for specificity. It's a great avenue, but I need you. Time's up, Wade. You're done. No, wait, I want you to pick one. You have to land on one. You can't leave it open. There's a lot of good ideas in there. You just got to land on one.

I mean, Bob pretty much just nailed it. What's better than Tony Hark's... Tony Hark? You know, the knockoff non-Marvel. We don't want to step on Disney's toes. So we have Tony Hark's chest generator powered circle. Can you... You have to remember... Wait, no. You have to remember what it's called. Come on now. It's a publicity stunt, Wade. It's not supposed to work. It's the...

Reactive arc. Arc reactor. Arc reactor. No way he stumbles into that. What a comeback. All right. It is Donnie Hark's arc reactor, but it's still an arc reactor. Donnie Hark's arc reactor. It's like an Acme product.

We guided him there. We got him there. I saved Wade's guess. Well, I have another bold take. Wicked came out recently. Very, very popular. I saw it live on stage in Columbus like a long time ago, like 2008 or something. It was very good. Great show. And if I learn anything from the lore of the Wizard of Oz world, only a fool tries to replace the heart.

The Tin Man is one of the greatest characters, not only in all of fiction, but in all of existence. And he is desperate the whole time during their story for a heart. Isn't he the one looking for a heart? He's seeking out a heart. Tin Man? Yeah. And they finally get to the wizard and he's like, ah, you don't need that. And he immediately realizes that the wizard is correct.

And he doesn't get a heart and is awesome forever because he doesn't rely on a stupid sack of shit to pump blood through his body. He just lives. Thank you for the defense of my arc reactor, man. I appreciate that. I'm not saying arc reactor. I'm saying be a man. Leave it as a gaping hole. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That is a bold defense. Compelling. Very compelling. Does it have to be gaping? You heard him. It doesn't have to be a gaping hole. It will be a hole inside you. You can cover it over aesthetically, but there is nothing there. It's an empty space. Maybe you could store some gumballs. Yeah.

Yeah, you should have thought about that earlier. Just if that comes up, if you decide you need those and you change your mind on the nut thing. This is a tough one. It's real toughy. Even though it's Doni Hark's, I think I'm going to go with Doni Hark's. Don't forget in Guyan Man 4, Doni Hark needs to drink about nine gallons of Cetametafil a day because the dark reactor is poisoning him because of reasons. I forget why exactly, but. I think Wolverine can drink anything and be okay. No, Hark.

Yeah, but no heart, but you're fine. You're awesome. No heart, but you're even more awesome than you were before. I'm as awesome as the Tin Man, which is very awesome. Plus, you know, the Wizard of Oz, theoretically. And who doesn't want to hang out with Jeff Goldblum? Oh, that wizard. I mean, there's a lot of could be. That's just the latest one. I'm going to go with the art director. Woohoo!

All right, we only got time for a couple more. I pick left lung. Is that on there? No. No. Listen, man, I can't see. Do you need me to read out the options for you? Give us some options. Is penis there? Penis is here, yes. What's the one above that? Belly button? That's like stomach, gut, belly, basically. I have one for this. Even though this is shoulder, it's like this is chest and then belly because I have a lot of gut issues.

So like belly and guts and stuff, everything. Oh, let's fix your belly up. Let's fix your belly up. I don't know what to do for belly because it's not on my list of things I was thinking of, but let's do belly. All right, Bob, it's yours to lose, I guess. Your belly. Everybody knows that the belly's job is to process the nutrients as efficiently as possible. You know what? The stomach just isn't the most efficient way to do that. It's the most efficient way we could have evolved to do it, I guess, is how it worked out. But everybody knows the most efficient way to process nutrients down to their colon,

is a Ninja Foodi blender. I propose that you have a hose from your mouth down into a Ninja Foodi that you can power with your arc reactor heart since we went that way and we have one of those. Infinitely powered Ninja Foodi blender. And it's the one that has like the dispenser, like the margarita dispenser. And then it dispenses the processed nutrients. And you still have like the lower GI. You still have like your small intestine, large intestine. It's just...

perfectly processed in the ninja foodie the five blades spit at over 26 000 rpms mark and the it's so perfectly balanced that you won't even feel a single vibration even though it's mounted at the very core of your being you'd never know it's in there so the dispenser with the margarita tab is

Is that on the outside? No, no. It's just like zip tied onto your, onto your small intestine. And you have like a muscle that just like, it was like a tendon attached to a specific, it's a specific muscle that just opens and closes the little margarita dispenser. The appendix can finally be useful again. Oh man. I don't even have one of those anymore. So, all right, cool. We'll get you what we can afford that. We'll get you one. We'll give you one. Thank you. Thank you.

So in the vein of food, because I got the mandolin arm, that's, I can... I'm very food focused tonight, apparently. Yeah, I can see that. Wade's going to be tough to beat. I don't know if you need food, man. You got an arc reactor in your chest. You are producing energy that may not require ingestion. So what if we get you a fucking tummy? Server farm. What if we get you some like exabytes of storage? Fucking...

Yes, now you're thinking, you pandering son of a bitch. Exabytes? It is my body, Bob. I would want it to be what I want. I had to look up things bigger than terabytes and gigabytes and I got exabytes? Holy shit. No question. Dude, you win exabytes?

Exabytes? If I was walking, no, actually, this is incredible because if I was able to walk around with all the storage I would ever need, digital storage on my body, powered by my, that's an incredible suggestion. Exabytes? I'm just saying, you've not even been eating today. It seems like that kind of stuff, you're not concerned about it. Your head's regenerating, your heart's an arc reactor. What do you, I mean, you can make food for other people. You got the left arm for it, but like your tummy, dude, you're

one person's not going to want a tummy tuck. You're going to want an expansion deck added. You're right. You're right. He's right. Okay, we got time for like one more. Do I do I pick or you do? Can we do the eyes? Yes, eyes are available and Wade you are picking eyes. Oh man. Um,

Dude, video camera. You have adjustable lenses you can still see, but also you can just film where you're looking. You are your own camera. No one would ever let Mark in anywhere for the rest of his life. No.

they don't have to know i i feel like the attraction he might be with wolverine's head a powerful leg and the server's stomach people might be curious enough to let him in all honesty i don't look that weird you can cover a powerful leg uh i don't have to keep it extended wolverine head just means i have the skin healing and the metal bones i don't if and if i look like hugh jackman that's not a bad you have a

blender for an arm. Yeah, well, I got a sleeves for that. You know, there's nothing here. And your ball is 3D printing. Like, I feel like especially that no one needs to know about that. This is that's like the most private part of all of this. This is fairly stealthy so far. You're not specifying what camera, though, because there's a lot and many of them would be a downgrade.

from these bad boys. We want to make it to where it's upgradable, so we want a part that you can, you know, upgrade over time. You can change out your lenses. You can pop in new lenses. What lenses could I use? Oh, how about... Minoy...

That's not remotely specific enough, please. Any of them, man. Camera, video, listen. He's got Wolverine's head and changing out the lens is where we're drawing the line? If you're gonna pander, do a better job. He's done a pretty good job pandering, Bob. Do you think you can pander harder? Mark, I would replace your eyes with the beautifully rehoused, professionally restored and refurbished Kanika Magolta, M.D.,

135 millimeter f2 telephoto manual focus lens damn it's a good all-arounder it's a beautiful lens you just know this on top of your head i listen when he talks what do you mean do i just know this this thing mark talked to us about for a year plus repeatedly yeah i recall dude i got minolta and that was it it's

Very good lens, but that one is a telephoto. I would live life zoomed in. Would you want the Konica Minolta MD32 Prime? Is that the one? Was it the 32? There's no 32. You're losing me. No, no. It was a weird number. Wasn't it a weird number? Because a lot of them are 35s, but this one was like a weird number, wasn't it? Oh, he's losing me. Oh, no. This is why I pander cheaply. I think you're thinking of the 58. Oh.

Why is it 58? That's such a weird focal length. That's not a common one. It used to be a very common one. It used to be very common because there was 50 back in the day, but then 58 was like the...

way the formula for the lens the certain configuration 58 landed at a really good spot where you could get a nice the glass elements could work out nicely for that so okay so we got lenses versus lenses and one was only more specific I'm not gonna lie my original thought was I want to give one of them just a normal magnifying glass so you could like be that bully who goes around like lighting people's paper on fire

You know, I have to put that up to the sun. It doesn't, it doesn't come out of the eye. Well, maybe you got the power of the sun in the palm of your right hand. We didn't get to that. I don't know. I've done this before where I hold a lens up and I was like looking to see if it was dusty and I did it into the sun and I went out. Burned your own eyes. No,

Oh, yeah, I did. I did not for long, but I just you're like, what does the ant experience? I don't know which one to go here. They're so similar. I think that that was really the only choice for you. We both knew lenses were the only options. All right. OK, I'll I'll give it for both of you. But it washes out to nothing. But I got a tiebreaker. I should just wait. Made me angry about the lenses. I had a different one I was going to go with. But honestly, it was still a camera.

Well, I know the rules of this thing. I didn't know there were rules that had to be specific. Penis. Penis. Penis. How am I upgrading my penis? You can't really downgrade. It's all up from whatever you decide. All right, Wade wins. All right. No, I'm just kidding.

I have a gambit and I will throw this down. It is, it's not, it's nothing. It's not convoluted. I'm just going to throw this out there. You will upgrade your penis to the only thing that could be an upgrade. Wade's penis. Well, you're that little guy. You get a new roommate. Oh,

Hold on, what do I get out of this? Because I feel like I might be losing something. I'm not even saying that he's stealing it necessarily. If you want him to steal it, I guess that's fine. Do you have a twin? All right, you will if you don't come up with something better. Or I'm going to steal your penis. This one's kind of weird, but I don't know. It was my first thought. The lamp from Aladdin that the genie comes out of.

Does it have a genie in it? Does it? Oh my god. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was that? The lamp is... This lamp literally started freaking out. Lamp! Lamp! I mean, the genie likes it when you rub his lamp and, you know, the correlation there is kind of obvious. Who doesn't want to rub their lamp? Is there a genie in it? Yes. Oh, okay. Well then, yeah. Fuck. But did you ask if there's a genie in my penis? You haven't yet.

I don't want to know that. That is between you and you and the genie in your penis, if there is one. I wish he cared. What's happening down there? I was rubbing the magic lamp. And you used one of your wishes on that? Oh, I have a lot of wishes. You can actually wish for more wishes sometimes. That's against the rules! Everyone knows that! Well, the lamp Mark's getting, yeah, but that's what, you know. He's giving you inferior lamps, Mark. It's okay, I'll take the Aladdin lamp. It does...

Nah, I'm taking it. I kind of feel like this was set up to where no matter what, I lose. Either I lost or my penis lost. Isn't that what a gambit is? Isn't that a gambit? I don't know. I think of the guy with the cards from X-Men. But also you won. Yeah, but at what cost? Yeah, you have to admit that your penis is not as cool as Aladdin's lamp. That's true. You're right. Ha!

All right. Anyway, so that brings us to a close. Congratulations, guys. I want to know. I don't know if I want to see fan art of this, but you will. To recap, going from bottom up, I have a power pole for my left leg. The surgery ran long. Insurance decided to cancel the claim halfway through. So I have a power pole for my left leg. Right leg and feet are normal. My right.

My right nut is a quasi-supernatural card nut. I've got an Aladdin's lamp penis. I've got exabytes of storage in my tum tum. I've got Dhoni Hark's arc reactor. My left arm is a multi-mandolin. My nose is a supernose.

Elephant style inside. My eyes are lenses. That was split between the two of you. And then I have a Wolverine head with adamantium skull. So we didn't get to what? Ears? Hair. Ears I forgot to put on here. So ears were never even in the question. Lips or mouth, chest, right arm, left nut, right leg and feet were not upgraded. Am I still me after replacing all these pieces? Why don't you ask your penis genie?

That's good. I bet he knows you better than anyone else will. You ain't never had a friend like me. You're trying to sleep and you just hear coming from your pants. It's like, shut up! A little column A and just fruit starts shooting out. This never happens. I'm sorry. I didn't wish for you. My thighs rub the lamp. That's where you're at. Ha ha ha!

Mark goes for a dramatic dive on the racquetball court and the genie comes erupting out of his shorts. No, man. Can you tell? Totally up the points. Wade, you got an oblivion point. You lost the point for lying because you don't have a car. Pedantic point. You got a point for being blown apart by every body part, which is just poetry. The point for don't eat ass. You got the

The nose, the heart, the stomach, the penis, and my left leg. Bob, you got a nice point. You got a point for being sick. You got a point for a fridge update. Bonus point for quasi-supernatural nut. And also you got that point because I thought that it was funny and I just happened to write that point before I knew it was going to be yours. You got the mandolin cooking arm and wolverine head.

Someone's outside the window. Someone's outside the window. Someone's outside the window. In a funny way or in a breaking in way? Where's my penis? Now that's funny. The winner of today's episode with eight points to seven points. And I was giving points out willy nilly.

Wait. Oh, I actually made the comment. I knew I was behind. You picked like all of his body parts. I mean, you were behind. Well, no, I was behind at the beginning because you had the fridge point and I lost a point. So I was at least like two points down to begin with. I do. I was confused. I thought you got a point for lying. I didn't realize you lost a point. So it actually was a little closer than I thought. It's not a subtraction. You're right.

I thought you lost a point. No, when you said that, you were like, I'm going to give you a point for lying. I was like, damn. I thought in my head, I was like, take away point. No. I thought I lost the point too, but you know, I'm not going to argue with what the paper says. Okay. So it was not as close as I, it was as not close as I thought. Because that took away a point that you had before. Now that doesn't. Wait.

Did I just lose a point or am I still at eight? Did he just gain two points or one point? You have 10 points now somehow. I feel like no matter how we get there, the summary is Wade wins somehow. All right, Wade, you win by 10 points instead of eight. I don't know how that happened. Do I throw a flag and challenge my own points as a winner?

I mean, literally he's right. I did not write a subtraction. I wrote one and I called it lying point. That's the way it goes. That's the game. Hey, listen, I think what we learned today is I clearly have Mark's best interests at heart. I need to learn more specific things, but I like being, I like knowing a little about a lot and not a lot about a little, therefore I'll stay ignorant. I won't learn a thing from this. Thank you. Clerical errors. You're welcome. Uh,

Bob, what do you feel about this loss? I feel like I threw out some interesting options. I think you were drawn in by a little bit of aggressive pandering. I don't blame you because it is your body and you should have it the way that you want. But I feel good about the creativity that I brought to the battle today. And I think some people out there are going to be really into some of the ideas I had. So...

I feel like a winner even though I am objectively a loser. Congratulations, that's what really matters. I'm glad neither of you commented on my hands. I haven't seen this drawing yet. It's a lot of parts. Is that how your hands actually look? Were you in some kind of horrific hand accident? Editor, make this fucked up. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

I want someone to just cut like one of them to walk into your office and just breaks your hand. Yeah. Just with like a hammer. It's just like, Oh yeah. Okay. Here's what you want. Mark. Well, thank you guys for participating and upgrading me. I feel a lot better and I am still me, even though I have all these upgrades. Thank you everybody so much for listening on how to improve me. I'm glad you all know what my penis is going to look like. That is wonderful.

I'm so glad. Have a good day, everyone. If you don't subscribe to the podcast, we're going to come after you and chase you. I'm not very fast. Don't be scared. We'll never catch you, but we're just going to join the chase. Merch. Somewhere. Find it if you can. They never catch on to your clues, Mark. They never do. Podcast out.