Mark Prepared For This
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Whittling Wade talks melting piles and crouching crabs, antagonizing the Arbiter and Riz's radiologists. From dominating Cincinnati to crispy babies. Yes! It's time for Mark Prepared for This. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

I pretty much assume that if you're somewhere where you're like on a voice call and it's being transmitted, there's no reason to think that that's not being watched. If someone really wanted to, like, I know they're end to end encrypted services, which were besides super is not as far as I know. But even then it's like, it's all managed by someone, someone, some greasy code monkey somewhere has a computer where they could just pull it up. If they so chose the only way to get a download,

secure connection is to own the fiber from one point to the other. And what I discovered recently is AT&T offers that as a service. They will run the fiber from one to another place, a new line all the way using old conduits and stuff, but a new line all the way from one building to another to do that. And I asked like, whoa, why would that be for? And they say like police stations do it all the time. Secure government buildings do it all the time.

because they need no one to be able to get in that or have any other. So AT&T or whoever does the internet, they build it and then they hand off all the equipment. So it is a thing that can be done. We just don't have anywhere close to the resources to be able to do that. How expensive would a cross-country distractible fiber line be?

Probably in budget, right? We need a few more sponsors, but we'll get there. If you lived in Cincinnati, then we would just need to cross a couple county lines. Fiber One. Secure, yes. Delicious, no. Well, Fiber One's tasty. Not the one that we're using for our connection. I don't think that's Fiber One. I think that's just regular. You know what? Was that quoting a commercial? Yeah, it was a Fiber One and Fiber Brownies.

Is that D2 Steel you're shining in my face? Get that bullshit out of here. It's just on my desk now. It's not serving any purpose except being on my desk. Bowling Green State University-ass Steel. Get that out of here. Are we? Is this the episode? Are we going? Is this it? Yeah, we're going. This is like the weirdest SNL cold open that's ever happened. Anyway, hi. You've been listening for a little bit, but welcome to Distractible.

This is the podcast that you love, or else you're going to get a face full of this, just like me and my 22. It's very threatening and deadly. I don't know. I swear to God, people who are into guns just selectively hear things because on the subreddit...

In no uncertain terms, you were like, I am never going to even aim this at another living thing. I do not own any of these for any purpose other than shooting paper or wood or whatever metal targets and all of the very first, everyone heard Mark say the word gun and rushed to the subreddit and was like, you're never going to kill someone with that, Mark. You're never

gonna kill someone i know how to kill someone you gotta get a nine millimeter if you want to kill as many people as quickly as possible nine millimeter don't worry i'm getting tweets of like we gotta get mark in touch with a gun guy i know one you gotta get mark out to demo ranch so he could blow up some m4 abel and abrams his tanks is with his uh no it's like they only heard the two first words he said and then none of the rest of the discussion but yeah it was a

And like, what was hilarious about it is that is the every single person who made a big like essay about that. And, you know, I respect the trying. That's fine. I'm not blaming that. But every single one of them said the exact same thing that the people in the gun store said the exact same. It was like I was at the gun store again. Like, oh, yeah. Uh huh.

Great. That's all the same account? It's the same dude, different accounts? No, no, that's just, uh, that's how it is. You just, like, you say, and you're like, I'm just doing this to take a training course. Okay. I won't be able to stop someone. There's videos of people being shot ten times. It's still charging. It's like, okay, that's... Mark, you don't understand. Your gun is so small, it actually speeds them up if they come after you. Yeah.

Actually just pisses them off and triggers an adrenaline response which makes them even harder to deal with. Also, man, I forgot the intro. Sorry, my eyes have been real itchy lately. It's not like there's any allergens in the air. My eyes are super dry and itchy. Yeah, it's not like there's a bunch of ash or smoke or anything around where you're at. Well, for the most part, it's starting to get better. I mean, obviously, it's still a concern for a while.

Air quality's still gotta be kinda bad, though, right? I mean... Oh, it's not terrible. It's dry, clear eyes. They say it's, you know, it's gonna be not great for a while, but, you know, it's not deadly to go outside. It's not 320-whatever-AQI, but... But that's not to play it down if you, you know, are in an area that has it. Be aware that air quality can get messy. I'm gonna give you the segue point. Bam! Ha ha!

Okay, good. I'm just watching Bob die every time he takes a sip of his drink. I'm intrigued about this drink, but man, that's tartar than just a lemon is. Jesus Christ. I don't think we're going to be sponsored by that drink company anytime soon. I didn't say that. I did show it on camera. Blur it out.

No aspersions. If it works, I'm into it. I wouldn't mind a drink that just tasted awful, and that's why they made Red Bull. They were like, we wanted it to not taste great and taste more like medicine so that people thought it worked, because there is some psychology to that. My problem is I actually like

We're not sponsored by Red Bull. No, yeah, it's like cigarettes or something, right? Like it doesn't, they don't taste good. But once you get past the first part and you get into the caffeine, you're like, oh, God. Oh, it's delicious. I need the Red Bull. It burns so good. The burning means it's working. Oh, man. We got to do small talk first. By the way, this is the podcast where I'm the host because I won last week. And then Bob and Wade are here going to compete to be the next host.

next week or in four days or whenever it is. Several days from now. All of you with your Unisona-style TikToking countdown clocks of when the next episode is going to come up. You tell us exactly how many hours and seconds and minutes it is. But hey, how are your lives doing?

Good. I saw a funny goose today. Not a silly goose, but a funny goose. It's really not even that good of a story. It just was such a weird little moment. I was in the car driving, and I was in a parking lot waiting to turn onto the main road, so I'm just sitting there. And next to the driveway, it's a puddle because it's been snow melting, and

There's not even a pond. It's like several inches of water and there's a goose sitting next to it. And I just look over because I'm like bored and the goose out of nowhere just goes and submerges his entire head halfway up his neck in the water. And for a second, it's just like, yeah. And then just lifts his head back up and is like,

Nothing happened. There are not fish in that puddle of water that is on the media. Just, I don't know if that's a normal goose thing or whatever, but I just saw that happen and I was just like, fucking, is this, did anyone else see that? What the fuck? You're living untitled goose game. I've been thinking about that goose all day. Can't get him out of my head. No idea if that's normal goose stuff or what. It's weird.

I mean, it's probably normal. I have no idea, though. I don't know Goose's too well. Goose's? Goose's. I don't know Goose's either. Geese's? Geese Jesus? Geese's. He flied for our sins. South. Guys, I've been reading. Oh, I already told you that. Guys, I've been playing video games and you'll never... No, wait. Already been over that. Guys.

It finally warmed up in Cincinnati, and that's been really nice, though I think it's gone again now. It's cold again today. But we had like a day where it was almost 60 degrees. It was almost 70 yesterday. Oh. Like 67 degrees outside. It was amazing. And despite that, we still have a giant block of snow from where it was like shovel plowed like one big pile. It's gone everywhere for this one stupid pile that's just still there. Isn't that funny how that works?

yeah it's also sad and tragic it's just snow man why is it tragic no because i'm so tired of so this is the most devastating thing you saw i'm so tired of snow ma'am i'm used to cincinnati we get like a dusting it lasts two days goes away i'm like you know that's good for me this like three weeks of snow has been awful and now that it's all melted there was like there was a square patch that we

shoveled of grass so the dog's in a place to go use the restroom now that the snow's melted it is green everywhere except this one patch looks like the fucking bone lands or whatever they're called in the lion king we're just like dead and brown and sad and it's like man i guess dog urine and shit really isn't as good for the yard as i thought it was like oh they're watering the plants how nice of them it looks terrible it's the p you know p has ammonia in it plants don't like that

The poop is good. You can tell the one square that they've been using because man, oh man, is the grass just not good there. Lot of piss. It's fascinating because your dogs are tiny. So I'm, in my mind, your entire yard, any woods nearby is devastated like toppled trees. Somehow piles of dung like the Jurassic Park when the guy goes like, that's a big pile of shit. That uncovered by the snow. Is this just like a square this big or? Uh,

No, it's probably like a good 12 by 4 section of grass. 12 by 4 what?

Put that in muters. No. But I will tell you this. I went out there a couple times and I cleaned up the dog poop in that section so that way it wasn't just all a slab of shit. There are muscles apparently that you use whenever you crouch and walk around in a crouched position that I don't... Told that story. He said that, yeah. Well, I still feel it. I don't really. That's a negative point.

I won't take away a point for that, but you have told that. You're on thin ice, though. Don't say ice. You're on thin sunshine. I don't know. I mean, we've not been going out a whole lot because it's been shitty weather. You don't do anything? No. I've been reading and playing games, doing stupid house. I mean, you want to hear about tax documents? It's that season. Nothing exciting and fun. Man, that is sad. I'm sorry, man. Hey, I'm content. Have you tried getting into knives? No, I used one on a steak last week, though. What was it made out of?

Well, it was in this wood block with a bunch of other handles, and I pulled one out, and I was like, yep, that's a knife. And I cut the stick, washed the knife, that was it. I will tell you, though, I used, you know that sharpener that I obliterated last week? Yeah.

I actually used it. I read the guide and I used it on my kitchen knives, which I've known have been dull forever. Like I have those colored like Cuisinart shitty cheap knives. You still have those same ones? I remember those. Okay. And they're horrifically dull.

Like horrendously dull. They're very old. But I used the sharpener and it took a while to get like the actual consistent angle going. Most of the time it would go and I'd jostle all over the place. Once I got it and I actually used oil, it started working. And my God, they're sharp again.

I honestly... Hold on, hold on. Rewind. Yes, Wade? Are you alright? I'm confused. You got a knife sharpener. You were using it on your sniper knife or your D2 knife. I scraped it once across there and I was like, it's probably already sharp. I don't need to ruin it with my... You broke the thing open, found the instructions, and then you used the sharpener on other knives and those knives got sharper. I'm deducting a point for just antagonizing me and this is not fair. Look, I

I'm trying to put it out there. How many knives have you sharpened? Okay. One. It was a shitty little whittling knife whenever I was whittling some, uh, okay, what's that wood called? Like kind of like a pink ore. Smells funny. Uh, I don't know things about wood. Sorry. Oh man. I was a kid when I did it, so I don't remember. It was, uh, like a piece of wood that my grandpa gave me to whittle away at. And I was like, oh, that's cool. And I literally just did

Did not do anything other than whittle it down to, like, the core. But, like, the end of it, it was like a piece of wood about... It was not that thick. But the very middle of it was kind of like a purple-y color, and it had, like, a fun scent to it. So let me get this straight. Your grandpa gave you a knife that was designed for carving wood away, and then he gave you some wood. And then you used the knife to carve wood off of the wood. But...

The knife needed sharpened at one point, so I got a sharpener, and I sharpened the knife so I could continue to sharpen the wood. But what was the sharpener? Was it a sharpener, or was it just the thing in the knife block? Was it a whetstone? Was it a honing steel? Because that's not a sharpener. What kind of thing was it? It was like a little round thing that I went, shink, shink.

That's called a honing steel. I honed in on it. So you didn't sharpen. So that's the thing. This is why it's mind-blowing to me, and I feel like your antagonistic attitude is not recognizing this. Because it took me a while before I realized that wasn't a sharpener. That's just to get rid of any excess shavings of metal that have flaked off from the various things you've cut over time. But with a sharpener, this sharpener was $20.

I've always my entire life been like when a knife goes dull that's just it and for some reason I've never connected the idea that I could make a tool that I have last much longer than I could ever imagine and I knew with like hammers and shit like that like those tools you could do that but for some reason knives to me were always like oh man I can't do anything once it's dull but I it

It took me five minutes. Five minutes. And I did the paper test. And suddenly my kitchen knife that I'd had for five years and never sharpened it once could just slice through paper like that. I was like, holy shit. It worked. They sell guidebooks at even gas stations or convenience stores. Nah, I got this. I got the scroll. What do you mean? I don't need that. Yeah, you got the scroll. But you open it up and it's like all pictures. And it makes your tool last longer. It's called like a Dick Hardener or something. I think they call it Playboy. Playboy.

I need to write this down. What was it called? A dick hardener.

All right. Do I ask for that or that's for knives or it's for your tool? Is that like a brand name or is that just generic? Is it named after a guy? Mr. Hardener? You guys are asking a lot of questions. I don't know the answer to anyway, you could get into knives. It's a thing. Well, that's the thing about knives, right? People think, well, I don't know if people think this. I thought for a long time, like, Oh, how, why would you pay $200 or $500 for a kitchen knife when you could just get one for 50 bucks? That seems to work pretty well. And,

yes you can sharpen cheap steel to like a razor's edge you can sharpen it to within whatever you want depending on how patient you are but the more expensive knives the thing is that they hold that edge better they have different characteristics about the steel it's like a very voodoo mystery magic kind of thing to me I know it's not because it's science but all the different kinds of steel like you were saying when you bought your d2 steel knife you were like I don't I

I don't know. I want a metal one. It's a whole world. And it is interesting. It is crazy. I have no idea what steel those knives are made out of because they're like the blade is coated as well. So it's colored from handle to the edge of the blade, except for where it's worn through. And they have like white, white blades or something. White ceramic. It's blue, orange, green, yellow. Oh, the whole thing is colorful. That's right. Everything's a different color.

But yeah, even those can be sharpened. Even if they don't hold their edge as long as anything else, it's not rusty. So I just shaved. Wade, you can eat those. You don't have to be secretive. He's not being secretive at all. He keeps holding the bag up on screen for some reason. Are you sponsored by Skyline? Yeah. Are you a Skyline streamer now? I want to be. I'm trying. Okay. All right.

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I have something. Remember the segue, right? Bob's segue that he made before. Do you remember what it was about? I think it was mine. No, it's under Bob. All right. I'm going to play this. You tell me if you hear it. Isn't something smell a little off to you? It's too loud? It's a little loud, but yeah, I do hear it. Back up. Pretend you didn't hear that. All right, here we go. Ready? Are you ready? No. Don't do it again. Isn't something smell a little off to you?

Oh my god.

Viewer discretion is advised.

So, when I told you I was late because I was working on a thing. Mark, it's so good. It's great. Sorry it was so loud. I tried to do a hack to get it to play for you guys. I was pretty sure. Yeah, Mark was late to the recording today because he was working on this. I think I'm understanding why Iron Lung's taking a while.

Look guys, I'm not gonna lie. He spent three days on this So I'm not gonna lie. I spent so long working on this this morning. I didn't come up with an idea for this video

I did this because I was like, oh, I'm gonna bring up the small thing during small talk. This will be a funny way to do it because I haven't done one of these in a while. And I had a bunch of problems with the software because I haven't done it on this computer in a while. And so I had to reinstall DaVinci and all my software, so... Anyway, did you...

That admission actually gave me a headache. My brain could not comprehend. The reason I wanted to bring this up was because of lead. No.

I turned around and there it was. Lead-based paint. No, I want... Because I wanted it to be a small anecdote because it was off of the people that were talking about, you know... Because I got lead-free bullets, right? And there were some people that were still very flippant about it. Right? Some people were just like, I think that California got to them free to lead. So what I want to talk... What I want to do first is I have...

There's a couple points up for grabs, and I'm going to ask you two a few questions back to back. All right, Wade. How much lead do you think is in the human body naturally, as in used in biological processes or in proteins or things like that? Oh, a nanofoot?

Wrong. Bob? Some very small amount, like 20 parts per million or something. Wrong. Zero. Zero lead is used in any biological process in the human body at all. It is not found in any protein. It's not found in any cell structure naturally occurring. It's found in the human body, but just because of environmental exposure. It's found in the feet, right? Because that's why people hit the gas really hard. They have a lead foot.

It's actually an outdated saying. It's much more, it's cooler and more modern to say you have a tungsten foot. It's very dense. As long as it's not talc. I'm giving you a point, but I'm not. You don't want that talc foot. All right. Okay. So you both got that wrong.

Bob, I'm going to ask you this. How many mammals do you think are out there that use lead in any biological process in any part of their body? Well, I'm going to go ahead and guess zero, given the nature of your questions. That's correct. That's false. The whale. No. Doesn't tie there. Okay. This is a mammal, yeah. Okay.

Okay, so zero mammals. All right, cool. Yeah, there is no mammal out there from the tiniest mouse to the biggest elephant that uses lead in any biological function in any way shape or form. Okay, Wade, how many living things on this planet from bacteria to anything else floating around fungus plant life and

anything uses lead in any biological process in their body. Zero. Zero. There is not a living thing that is by the definition of living on this planet that uses lead in any biological process. Therefore, that's what nature thinks of lead. Because lead in any amount is toxic. This is not hearsay. This is fact. Lead is toxic in any...

any amount because it interferes with biological processes. It mimics calcium, so your body absorbs it, goes into the blood-brain barrier. There is nothing, nothing that wants lead. There's lead resistant, like bacteria out there. There's lead acute

accumulating things that will draw it in more than other things. But there's no actual living thing out there that uses lead for anything in this cellular life that we have. So what I'm trying to say about that is people seem to have this misconception that

about lead in that there's an okay amount to have. There's a, it's all right. And yes, we are completely exposed to it because of the industrial society that we live in because of mining incidental things get in the water. And yes, we are all still alive. Even if we have a small amount of lead in there.

But people who are talking about shooting don't realize that there is not just lead in the bullet. It's not about the lead in the bullet.

There is lead in the primer. Lead... I think it's called lead staph... Staph... Staphonate? Is this entire episode just to get back at the gun people who told you to get lead bullets? No, this was supposed to be a small talk thing. The rest of the episode, I have no fucking idea what I'm gonna pull out of my ass for. But I want to reiterate that this is not a casual thing. And there is... With modern primers that don't have lead in it and modern bullets that aren't lead-based... Yes, it's a little more expensive. But also...

There are advances in these things that get them better. And when you fire a bullet, the primer, which is like either in a rim fire, it's around the rim, or if it's center fire, it's in the center primer thing. That lead goes into the air because it's combusted.

into its gaseous form. And so you have lead in every single shot. And yes, if you have a lead-exposed bullet, the heat will melt some of it and cause some vapor. The vast majority of it is from the primer. But both are not good. Lead just isn't good. And it's especially bad for children, whose brains are still developing, whose bodies are still developing, whose systems are still developing and growing. Lead gets in the system. It can leach into your brain.

Bones. Because it mimics calcium. It will eventually, if you get exposed to it for a long enough period of time, your bones will start to absorb the lead and it will then leach into your body throughout the entirety of the time that your bones turn you into Wolverine.

No. Kind of like opposite Wolverine. Get the floppiest bones in existence. Heavy bones, but really malleable. It's good stuff. Yeah, I just want to say very clearly that I'm not calibrating

California crazy just because I don't like lead. Lead is pretty much universally understood by most of the scientific community as not good to have around. There used to be leaded gasoline. Why do you think it all says unleaded now? Now, hold on. I think we withdrew from the scientific community. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's true. You're really right about that one. Now we've got lead-o-pebbles. Lead-o-puffs. Lead-fuls.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say about that. It's like, lead is actually bad. It's not a political statement to say lead. There's no manliness from firing lead bullets. It's not about that. Well, there is, because Grandpappy told me there is. You're right, Grandpappy. I did a search, Mark, and not to contradict you, but it seems like lead is malleable and resistant to corrosion, otherwise not good for anything, so I think I'm corroborating you.

Since we're talking about lead, and since I don't know anything about the thing you're talking about, I always thought it was really fucking unhinged that water pipes were made of lead for a long time. And I didn't know until...

I don't know. It was a while ago now, but at some point I did learn they were lead pipes lined with stuff. And that's why when they put them in, everyone wasn't just immediately getting lead poisoning. But that's also why there are so many communities in our country now that you can't drink tap water. Or if you do drink tap water, you get lead poisoning, which leads to horrific poisoning.

long-term effects in children and in adults because it turns out when you line the thing with some other thing, the lining just wears off eventually. And so you just have your water literally flowing through pipes made of toxic metal. Except lead. If you line it with lead, it resists the corrosion. Yeah, no, lead-lined lead pipes, liner never wears off.

That's a true thing. - And yeah, there are still many pipes to this day in America and throughout the world that are lead. And in America, you saw it in Flint, Michigan. Well, they had other problems too, but one of it was, yeah, there was lead in the pipes. - As far as I understand, it's still not fixed in Flint, Michigan either. There are communities around the country that are in the exact same spot as Flint. Flint got a lot of news coverage. It's not like someone swooped in and fixed it. There just is lead everywhere.

And it's just a huge thing that's not going away. But it's pretty wild. I get why lead was easier to make pipes out of because it's malleable and non-corrosive and all that stuff Wade keeps saying. Makes sense. But also it's poison. There's this similar reason that brake pads aren't made out of asbestos. Oh, that'd be a lot cheaper. You have no idea. You can make them at home if you make them out of asbestos. Ha ha!

It's easy. Well, it is called asbestos, not as worstest, so maybe we should. When did we find out that lead was bad for us? Because I imagine that all of this stuff was done before we knew that lead was terrible. Because there was like lead-based paint. For me, it was Alice in Wonderland. Did you know that's why the... Oh, no, that's not lead, actually. That's mercury. That's quicksilver. Yeah, that's mercury. Which is also...

Bad. That's also an element that is not found in any biological process. That just happens to be worse than lead. If it was so bad, why did they make it so cool? If bad, why not bad shaped? It does have the coolest name. Quicksilver is a really cool name for something.

But also, coolness shouldn't factor in. For anyone that's unconvinced about lead and its dangers, my god, there were people saying like, "I've been a firearm instructor for 20 years!" or something, and I'm like, "Get a blood test."

Get tested. Like, it's a simple blood test to see how much lead is in your body. Yes, there is a chelation therapy that can get the lead out of your body. And yes, it can cause permanent damage, but it's kind of an insidious thing where it causes neurological damage over a long period of time. It's like a frog in a pot of boiling water. You won't notice it until it's suddenly a big problem.

So keeping track of that stuff and using lead-free primers, I feel, is a perfectly valid thing to want. And stop drinking that. There's probably lead in there. I have to finish it. I have to. I open it. I have to drink it. I don't care how unpleasant it is. It's going to get drank. I got you. I got you. I got you. Anyway. Oh, one more thing. For all the manly men who are like, I want my lead. It...

Tanks your reproductive functions your testosterone plummets from high lead exposure And then when you shoot and you don't properly clean your hands because someone said lead wipes I actually already bought lead wipes a while ago, but yes, there are lead specific wipes. Don't use wipes made of lead. Oh, no

You know, I heard those are flushable because the pipes are lead. So the wipes go in the pipes first. Fine. It sharpens them. I love self-sharpening wipes. Anyway. All right. That's all I'll say about that. Hey, if we're airing subreddit grievances, I have one. Oh, all right. Interesting. Apparently, I and or we said that sharks are not fish. And apparently...

Sharks are fish. And to the... This is literally one person, and I actually responded to their comment. And I feel like I got through to them, but also just to be clear, we don't know anything about the things that we're talking about. And if you're going to get angry about us saying an incorrect fact about sharks...

You should probably be careful what other episodes you listen to, because I cannot imagine the type of factual inaccuracy you're going to subject yourself to if you listen to us talk for that many hours of your life. We're not experts or even smart about most of the stuff we talk. We know some things about some of the stuff, but not sharks and not most of the other stuff. Disclaimer, I have not personally checked every living being in the world for...

Lead in their biological processes. It is totally plausible that there is some bacteria or some tree somewhere that has a very unique structure that does use lead. And we just haven't done a complete breakdown of its like internal biological processes. The data that I saw was of all the creatures that we do know how they work in their biological processes.

processes is and then conjecture leads to the idea that since lead is toxic and it is bad for traditional biological processes the life as we know it probably doesn't have lead in all of it

So it's an assumption, but it's a well-formed assumption based on data that has been extrapolated. But also, I'm not a scientist, and I didn't make the data in the first place. But it's pretty well known. There's a lot of studies about it and how bad it is. All I'm hearing is that Mark lied. No, I didn't lie. Big lead is going to come after me. This is just another one of those theories like gravity or...

Revelevity. Revelevity? Yeah, Einstein's thing, right? Oh, Revelevity. Yeah, you're right. Isn't that where you can hover off the ground when you're a magician on the street and revelate? Anyway, does that make you feel better? Do you feel better, Mark? Yeah. I have nothing else for the episode. Well, well, well, great episode, boys. Who won? No, no, no, no. We've got to fill this time. We've got to...

Oh, how do you feel about magnesium? Pretty cool. Take a magnesium supplement. Does it upset your tummy? No, not really. You would think that it would because I take all my vitamins at bedtime all at once. So I take a magnesium supplement, a B vitamin supplement, a whole multivitamin, and...

And then something else. I forget what it is, but it's good for me probably. Apparently polonium is the worst element to ingest. You still taking your cobalium? Yeah, that's the B vitamins. What's polonium? Toxic, radioactive. Discovered by Mary Curie. Where have I heard that name before? I think she curied a disease. Merrily. Real happy while she did it. I'm sick. Don't worry. Mary Curie.

My favorite holiday. Marie Curie. My favorite planet. Marie Curie. Venus. Oh, I'm still hungry. Marie Curie, please. Indian restaurant. Curry. Yeah, got it. There you go. All right. Any more? Any more? Any more? I'm really trying. That's a tough one. T-O-U-G-H-O-N-E.

Am I allowed to reference other bits where we did a thing repeatedly to try and chuck that in here? Absolutely. 100%.

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Stop by a Warby Parker store near you. There's a headline here. The world's oldest anus has an unexplained glow in Florida. Is the rest of it still alive or just the anus? Yeah, is this a sentient anus? I have no idea. I'll read the article if you want me to. In 2017...

And he, it was 2017 and he was running. I thought it was 2017 and he was running kayaking tours in Cape Canaveral, Florida, taking people to see bioluminescence, a phenomenon in which some creatures emit light. In late October that year, two buses full of geneticists pulled up to the shore to join his tour. Two buses full of geneticists? All of the geneticists in Florida. Anyway, having come from Europe for a genetics conference.

in Orlando. That makes a lot more sense. I should read these. Ben, if only you read the whole sentence before you decided what it meant. The Earth will be destroyed? What the fuck? In the event that an asteroid larger than Texas ever struck it. Oh. They should put that first. Literally, people listening to the podcast and they hear 22 and they're like, that won't kill nobody! Oh no! Someone warn him! Ha ha ha!

Anyway, they rode an hour and a half to Cocoa Beach and were clearly excited. Quote, are we going to see the comb jellies? They kept asking. We really want to see the comb jellies. That's an actual quote. Comb jellies are some of the creatures that can emit bioluminescence, particularly when agitated and water splashed by paddles or even hands. So if you've seen the video where people are paddling and swimming and it suddenly glows blue,

That's there. But other organisms here glow in the same manner, so Brandao was curious why two busloads of scientists were so thrilled about them.

Turns out geneticists study these organisms because they are among the oldest living beings on Earth and thus carry some of the oldest genes on Earth. Comb jellies have been around for 600 to 700 million years. But about a year prior, the creatures made a splash in scientific world for an entirely different reason. Their unexpected pooping process. Well, they look like little condoms for like little stubby dicks. They've even got the little tip to hold the semen.

What? I just searched comb jellies in one of the images. How'd you spell comb? C-O-M-B. Okay, good. I was worried. And I spelled jelly F-R-T. You know, you use two knives to scoop it out. Jelly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So about the poop. Uh-huh, poop, sure, sure. The transparent oblong jellies shocked scientists with their number two tricks in 2016 when evolutionary biologist William Brown showed videos of them defecating at a conference. Tricks are for kids. Until then, scientists believed that comb jellies ate and excreted through the same opening, similar to other simple organisms. But Brown's videos showed that they had a mouth in addition to an anus.

Fake news in the animal world. It was such a big deal, it merited publication in the journal Science, which stated, quote, the butthole is one of the finest innovations in the past.

million years of animal evolution because it made eating more efficient and more hygienic. I don't like whoever wrote that and I don't want to meet them. They know what they did. I really wish I was the driver of this bus of geneticists as they're talking excitedly about this. And I get why this is a big deal, I think, because

because this is one of the oldest creatures, so it's like, oh, buttholes evolved, probably. I haven't read the rest of it, but buttholes evolved, oh, much earlier than we thought. That's great. Interesting, I think. Do you think there's an anus museum where you just walk around and you see a whole bunch of different images of animals taking shits and you can compare their anuses? Yeah.

Oh, interesting, interesting. That sphincter has six distinct ridges. No, I don't think there is. Is there a butthole museum? Subreddit? Defend him. Defend him. Ha ha ha!

I'll finish this article up. This finding propelled the creature to evolutionary stardom and brought two busloads of geneticists to Brandao's tour. Quote, developing an asshole makes comb jellies score high on the evolutionary race, he said affectionately, adding that having an excreting orifice may have also allowed them to spend more time eating. Quote, and they are voracious eaters too. They literally eat nonstop anything they can find, including other comb jellies.

God damn. There you go. This article goes a long while, but it's from Atlas Obscura, written by Lena Zeldovic, published January 28th, 2025. I feel like calling it the oldest anus is a little bit of a mislead. They're not that old. It's a species that's had anuses for who knows how long. Ten thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of years. No, no, no. Comb jellies live up to three years.

My anus is older than that. That's weird to think about. Our anuses are older than any living comb jelly is known to man. Maybe these geneticists want to come up to our butts. Is that an invite? Because this goes out publicly. We'll be careful with that. I feel... I don't know if I want to make the claim that I feel like a lot of buttholes look the same. If someone's like, wait, that's got to be Wade's butthole. Bald. Yeah, buttholes. Bald.

Buttholes are like fingerprints, I think. I don't want to think about it. They have those little ridges and lines. You go to the police station, you ink it up, squat down onto the butthole pad. I don't know, imagine the security where it's like, instead of putting your hand against it, you have to put your butthole up against the wall. Ha ha ha!

Little thing that juts out and it's like, ah, welcome, Wade. It's a prank for the new guys. They're always like, all right, now just put your hand on the scanner and it'll open the door. Ah, he put his hand on the butthole plate. I got him. If you really want to be mean, you tell them it's a retinal scanner, then they get pink eye. Oh.

Why is it so low? You're really tall for this job. Yeah, you can lean down. You can't lean up. Anyway, I'm sorry that this is where this episode has devolved to. I feel responsible for not having a visual idea. Hey, you know what? Our 15th bullet episode I figured had to devolve into buttholes eventually. This is not a bullet episode. That's not what this is. We had an entire intro for bullets. No, we had an entire intro for knives.

oh wait no we were talking about all those lead-based knives that we talked about listen i don't remember the beginning i barely remember what any of these point designations mean back in forever ago so that was so long ago but we got the future to look forward to and this episode is not over so lay it on me guys carry me to the finish earn some points deep seek huh well you guys hear about deep seek i heard about deep seek yeah big everyone's all up in arms about it oh no no nvidia still is a goodbye

I mean honestly, probably, but even Deeksteak was built on Nvidia chips. God damn it. I was trying to give an interesting fact and it just led me to full fucking circle. I was like, I literally put in my search and it will never be out of my history. Animals with the most intricate anus and number one is the fucking comb jelly. To stardom, rocking it up there. But they describe it as the warty comb jelly.

The hum? The warty comb jelly has an anus that appears and disappears, making an animal with an intricate anus. Is it like, you know, you played peekaboo and the scientist's like, where'd it go? It's got one! Where'd it go? I don't know. Soldier, future soldier camouflage is based on the comb jelly's anus. Man, how innovative is this anus? The giant California sea cucumber also has an intricate anus. It can breathe and eat through it.

That's not that weird. Lots of things do that. The bombardier beetle can shoot a boiling mix of chemicals out of its anus. The marine worm remycelus multicudata has a body divided into branches each ending in a butt. So it's got many butts? It's got a multi-butt? I guess so, yeah. If you have a butthole, do you automatically have butt cheek?

I don't think so. Yeah, not necessarily, I guess. There's probably some people out there with, like, negative butt, you know? So I don't think that qualifies as having cheeks. Every interesting butthole article I can find all goes back to the jelly. I don't like that sentence.

The comb jelly. The comb jelly. Oh, I do have an anecdote. This is actually something happened the other day. I think just yesterday. You know I have my truck now, right? You some truck nuts? No, I didn't. Not yet. I'll earn those soon. You know how Amy does this thing where every time she sees a Cybertruck, she just goes...

and hope they look, right? So that happened yesterday. A cyber truck pulled up on like an on-ramp to go up the...

into the, you know, the highway thing. On-ramp highway driving. Yes, cars. Okay. I look over him and I give him one of these and then he guns it. Like, he guns it off the line because, I don't know, he was trying to show off or something. He guns it. His tailgate falls down as he's gunning it. And I just see it because he, like, zooms past me. It goes, flomp. And he has to pull over off of the side of the highway and I drive right past him.

it was so great i forgot oh i loved it so much did amy hit him with the casual thumbs down as you drove past him again no i didn't do that that would have been great but oh man you gotta give him the gladiator where you give him this one at first like oh oh it was so great i love that moment i'm too afraid to taunt drivers in ohio they buy real bullets here

California have all those avocado bullets and those like gluten-free bullets. Here, it's all pure grease and man. And man? Bullets made of man. Oh, all right. I wonder if a bone bullet would work. Once, maybe. It probably wouldn't survive. It would need a jacket, but like probably you could make that happen, maybe. Oh, like a little tiny coat? Yeah, keep it warm and or cold. Bull.

Full cotton jacket. Well, that's called a wad, but yeah. He's right, you know. It is. I believe anything you all say. Anyway, alright, help.

I found a new scam that we can all run. Baby born in Krispy Kreme parking lot during snowstorm in Alabama receives free donuts for a year. Look at this. Babies can't eat donuts. Not newborns anyway. So I think what's going to happen is the parents are going to bring the baby in with the donut card and then the parents are going to get free donuts for a

So if you're looking for a way to save on Krispy Kremes, yeah. Not that I know of, but I don't think the three of us can give birth. I thought that was a whole bit we did in a previous episode about that. Us giving birth? I didn't you say that Wade and I were having a baby and I was the father or something? It was a whole... Oh, right. That's because my audience was weird. Sure, sure. Blame them. Your audience has one common denominator. What's that? Six. Six. We got 10 more minutes to fill.

God, I love yes anding. Seven. Ooh, no butt. You know, it does have butt. A warty comb jelly, jello, jello fish. You all right? You know, jello fish. Get a diabetes testing kit and you're a jello fish. Oh, guys, I failed you.

I spent all my resources making that beautiful. You can play the intro again. I'll take my headphones off. Yeah. I tried to lower the volume a bit. It was a little quieter, which is still pretty loud. It's still, it's like the pop. Yeah, that was fine. Isn't something smell a little off to

What happened to the moon?

You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see. I know what clouds look like. Those are... Welcome to the show that was formerly known as Don't Look Up, but we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio. This is It's In The Air. Viewer discretion is advised. It's In The Air.

I wish I had another follow-up bit after that, but I don't. I know I haven't done one of those in a while, and I'm pretty happy with it, but God, I wish I had taken like 30 minutes last night to actually do anything related to preparing for an episode. Listen, you focused on the thing that you cared the most about, and I respect it. I have a fun fact for you. Rats, one pair of rats can produce 15,000 descendants a year. Damn.

That's a lot of rats. A lot of sex. Unless they have 5,000 babies per sex. But it's only three sex. I don't think so. They might. I don't know how that works. You don't know how sex works? Not rat sex. I'm familiar with one kind. I'm pretty sure it's the same idea, generally. Screams.

Stork comes in. Do you have sex with the stork, baby? Yep. Everyone, every species on this planet. It's just a crucial, it's crucial that you avoid the butthole. Well, with a stork, it's a cloaca, actually, so it's the same thing. Probably. I hope it's clo feels better. I hate that it's a-kid. I don't know how to spell cloaca. How to spell cloaca. Give us some clo-soother.

All right. Anyway, Bob, what do you got? Well, actually, this headline sucks, but the story is interesting. Robbery foiled by location choice. So this is a classic like Craigslist, Facebook marketplace robbery. Someone found an item they wanted online in one of these sort of marketplaces and was like they arranged a meetup. The person who is going to buy the item was just planning on snatching it.

And getting the hell out of there. And so they agreed on a place to meet for safety, for the seller's safety.

Didn't help. Robber was too smart. What location do you think this transaction took place? What's the safest place that you could do a Craigslist deal? Probably wasn't a police station. Truck stop bathroom. Uh, closed Ponderosa. Not out of business, just closed. That chain will live on. Mark's not guess was correct. They agreed to meet inside a police station.

The buyer showed up. The seller was there. The seller put the thing out and was like, look, give me the money. And the buyer was like, nope, and snatched it and ran away. And the officers are still looking for the suspect. Oh, fuck.

This one, there's not anything for you guys to guess. I just really like this headline. National plumbing champion trip drama. Wisconsin plumber Tim Quick clinched a spot in Florida's plumbing national championship competing in pipe threading and drain clearing events. No word on whether he wore his tool belt to the after party. Well, that's just a not very funny joke.

Anyway, did you guys know that there were plumbing national championships? And would you watch that if it was on ESPN? I did know that there are electrician national championships with like electrical pole work. I know that there's like lumberjack championships. I know there's a firefighter championships. A lot of this we covered on Hit Podcast Go, my favorite sports team. But yeah, I did not know about the plumber one. Who provides the poop?

I think it's simulated poop. Cool, cool. They get a bunch of jellyfish. Go on. They put them in a toilet. The jellyfish poop. And that's it. I don't want to watch. I would not watch. I've seen enough plumbing in my life. I don't need to see more. Yeah, I think it's probably just like they clog the pipe with like some... It's probably relatively standard. Like there's... It's some set amount of paper towels or something, but... Lead-based poop?

Not in California. That's why it's in Florida. They're still allowed to use lead-based poop there. What you do is you beat the lead with your own lead. You eat enough lead that it shocks the lead in the pipes. Only lead can stop lead. That's the worst Smokey the Bear I've ever heard. Only lead can stop lead. You know, Letty the Bear. Missing fur patches. Instead of a shell, it was just a giant gun. Like a .50 cal. Only you...

scarred missing fur patches slightly glows in the dark anyone else no i don't know why that was so aggressive it just came out that way all right okay we're ending it there i would like to formally apologize to everyone for my unpreparedness i had all the time in the world i have no excuse and i spent it all on ebay i didn't actually buy anything on ebay but last night i was i was

I was just looking on eBay for like hours. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was like in a trance. Bought nothing, did nothing, wasted three hours straight. It was great. I wouldn't spend it any other way. Been there. I love that. Then I woke up this morning with plenty of time. So much time went to sharpening knives. That's what I did in the morning. Well, that's not all you did. You also came up with that. Yes, that's true. So I woke up at 630 and then I sharpened a knife that I didn't sharpen last night. And then I was like, oh, I got to feed the dogs. And oh,

Oh, I have an hour. A whole hour? Oh, I'll make one of those things and I'll come up with a great episode. Ah, yay. And then, anyway. Points! Wade, you were depressed by snow. You antagonized me, which lost you a point. You got a point back for Dick Hardener. Leadfoot, O-Life. Zero life. Zero life lead. Zero lead life. O-Life. Cure-Eed, a disease. Rats, phlegm.

15,000 descendants. Clo-ake-a and Letty the Bear. Which I think I said, but I wrote it down for you because you kind of brought it up. Bob, you got... You're never going to kill someone with that! You got the segue point. Zero mammals. Mary Curry, please. In the Indian restaurant. Butthole fingerprints. A new scam!

And then the perfect crime, stealing from someone in a police station. They can't do a thing about it, apparently. How many points did he lose for antagonizing? None. He didn't antagonize him. I didn't antagonize him. I'm a good person. So that gives Bob seven. I choose to give all my antagonizing points to me. I'm too selfish. You did that on purpose. Yeah, you can tell by the fact that he wrote it down. Yeah.

The fact that he wrote it down. The fact that he wrote it down, you can tell. Ian's coming up the house. This is fair, I think, for my unpreparedness. What's the number? Oh.

oh wouldn't you like to know yes i would yeah oh you i bet you i bet you'd enjoy that it was 10 last time i think we're up to 12 now yeah someone in the subreddit was saying they thought it was higher but yeah it should be 12 now based on my math it probably should be higher but we don't keep track of things do you want me to just i have the one from that i had before do you want me to just do it sure yeah that way i'm not biased or anything

There you go. You could see the percentages over here. Why does one man show have to be green? I don't like that. What color would you like? I don't know. Green's fine. No, that doesn't look right. Well, Mark, clearly Mark has to be red. Oh, wait, no. Mark, no. Wait. Wait. Wait. I was going to say, I have no chance of winning. If the winner is either me or Mark, win. Okay.

I didn't even think about it. I was like, yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, nobody look at how badly I'm typing. All right. You just really don't want me on this wheel. Oh, look at that. Look at those colors. Ooh, I don't like that very much. What about that? Oh, that's worse. Oh, it's worse. I don't like any of it. It's just going to be white, white. That's fine. That's fine, right? That looks like a clown horn. You ready, Mark? Yep. Uh-oh. Oh.

It's finally happened! Yay, there's applause! Yay! Man, what are the chances of that? I would say 12%. That means it resets now too, right? Yeah. Oh, it's the thing Mark's wanted to happen for a year now. I just wanted to make...

Funny intro that I used to do a lot. I was like, oh, this will be good. Everyone will be so happy that I made one of these again. Oh, they're going to be happy, all right. Does that mean we're off next week, Bob? It's just March. Well, we have to write...

a one-man show for Mark, which presents its own interesting dilemmas, but... Is it a full... Is it like a full hour-long episode? We didn't really talk about the details of this. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't think I would have to do it. Good thing we're ready for that, because we have to record another one right now. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of, because I'm like, oh, we'll just skip it, but no one...

knows who's going to host next time. Now, we didn't think of a way to resolve that either. We just have the one man show in as a bit. No. Well, okay. So I have to do a one man show, but you guys need time to write it. That should be next week when we record next, but we need to figure out who's going to host next.

episode. Well, I was going to say, what if we did another Council of Distract? Now that this has happened, what if we do another Council episode? We've got the one-man show, then we do a Council episode, and then... It is about time, yeah. Didn't we do it like... We did the boat episode in August? This summer, I want to say? But we did Council earlier in the

in the year. We did the February 19th, so when this comes out, we would be very close to that. Yeah, that's about the right time. Alright, we'll do a council. We can look up the official distractible constitution document by finding someone on the subreddit who wrote it down for us because we didn't. And then we could just have a sort of a review session and prepare ourselves to enjoy Mark's one-man show. Okay, alright, that sounds good.

You know, when we read the Constitution, it'll probably be a surprise. We'll be like, oh, yeah. Oh, whoa. 100%. Yeah. All right. So it's decreed. Next episode is the second semiannual. Biennial. Biennial Council of Distracted. Biennial? What's one annual? Annual. Monogamal. Monogamal? Annual. Just annual. Yeah. Just single annual. We will vote what the name is in the...

That's the first order of business. Yeah. Name the meeting that we're having. All right, cool. All right. Well, anyway, thank you everyone for listening to this. Do you want to give a one man speech? It should be like a warmup. There's no winner or loser speech. Time management is such a valuable skill. It's never too late to learn how to manage your time correctly. Thank you.

for listening and or watching. Thank you, Bob and Wade, for participating in this. And I appreciate all of you. And I look forward to giving my second ever one-man show in my life. I've done quite a few more than the average person, apparently. Follow the podcast for more. It'll be a new season very soon. And I don't know what that means for us, but we will determine it in the council. Podcast out.