Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keep things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can. I just, I'm the person who can't help but chew. You put a bunch of mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it. I'm like, swallow. So I kind of need gum. You turned into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry.
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Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, business like Bob diagnoses Dr. P, benches Wade, cautions drivers, asks more easy questions, and gets horrific. Wildcat Wade muppets out, cuts the Colombian, and slings out softies.
medicinal Mark crusades against caffeine-penile shrinkage and performs a tour de force while being battered by the boys. From René Descartes to sempiternal stingers. Yes! It's time for Mark's One Man Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hi, welcome to Distractible. This is a very special episode because even though I'm doing the intro, I'm not the host. For some reason, I'm one man and this is my show. And alongside me are the and friends, Bob and Wade. I feel like insulting us right as we're about to have total control over what you're about to do on a recorded video podcast is a bold choice, but I'll take it. Bob, I'm
That's basically what I said. Wow. That was my attempted Muppet laugh. I don't know if it worked. Yeah, it came right through. That's what I thought. I could tell by the reaction it was not. Well, Mark has no idea what's about to happen during this episode.
It's called One Man Show, and I don't think Wade and I really came up with an idea that is a traditional old-school one-man show, but it will be Mark's show, and he is the man. We thought we could start with small talk. We're not trying to torture you every second of the whole thing. Some of it might be tough. We're all friends here, you know? I don't know why it has to be torture. That's the thing. I thought that was the joke. I thought it was a punishment. Well, I mean, punishment or joyous occasion. Like, woo! It's like winning the lottery, you know? We hit the random chance that was really rare, and ooh!
never in my life have i bought a lottery ticket and then thought man i don't want that to happen ever god please don't that's what i mean that's why so it could be good right uh maybe it can't be that bad it couldn't possibly be that bad you're a funny guy and we're stupid so you know i'll be fine uh may i point you bob to subsections four and five if you say it can't be that bad it might have a couple of parts that's up to him how bad those are listen that's
That's fair. Section four, subsection A. Subsection I. I see what you did there, Bob. And I'm laughing, but I can't say anything out loud. It's fine. It'll be fine. I'm laughing too.
I'm really excited for five more than anything. But small talk, we always do this. How's everybody doing? Anyone got small talks? I went to a UC University of Cincinnati basketball game. Oddly enough, we all went to UC. While attending, I never once went to a basketball game. I don't know why, but I didn't. But I went to a game for a friend's birthday, and he had like 20 people there, so they got like one of the boxes. It was 100 bucks a person for a box seat.
which is not bad, but went to the UC game and UC played very well. They actually won the game. It was really fun. And I had a friend convinced me that maybe a month-ish from now, I might be joining a basketball league for the first time in 15 years. And let me tell you... Why does that need a laugh?
Because I'm not in basketball shape and I'm bald now. Wade's knees have never been more terrified. Literally, like, I think two months ago I told Bob, I was like, I finally feel like for the first time in a decade, my knees don't hurt every time I go up and down the stairs. And then this conversation about joining a basketball league happened and my knees...
I felt them quiver. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that will be fun. And that sounds like a great idea. I wish I was in shape enough to play even a sport casually. I'm not. I'm not either. I would just die if I tried to play basketball, I think. I asked them if it was a half-court league instead of full court, and they laughed at me. Ha ha ha ha!
you gotta run all the way from the one end to the other end every time basketball's a lot of running maybe you'll just be an offense guy maybe you just stand down there on that end maybe they don't need you on the other side i'm more likely to be the defense guy i always like defense more than offense but anyway maybe maybe sports maybe shape
Maybe dead. I mean, that's all of our lives, really, day to day. That's true. There's a couple more maybes in there probably sometimes, but that's about right. I am making a huge sweeping change in my life that has needed to happen for years and years. A haircut? Shut up. Damn. You're just jealous.
Hey, somehow Wade still gets haircuts, which I don't understand, but continue. As you guys know, I've had ADHD for a while, and I've always known that my ADHD medication doesn't play well with caffeine. So you're getting off the medication. Well, one or the other. No, I'm cutting caffeine out of my life finally. Hey!
I've done this before. It's in that mug you're drinking from there. Decaf, which still has trace amounts of caffeine in it. Yeah, it's a little bit, right? But I'm like, it's almost impossible to avoid because even most sodas have it in it. I'm just not going after coffee and Red Bulls because it was getting to the point where I was drinking a cup of coffee, maybe two, and a Red Bull a day. And it's like, that's so much caffeine. Was Red Bull your creamer? Oh, yeah.
It's like a bad... What's the word? The Guinness and Red Bull? What's that called? Guinness and Red Bull. Is that the one that's called an Irish car bomb? Or is that a different one? No, that's a different one. Let me tell you, don't mix Guinness and Lucky Charms. I wouldn't. I won't. I never was in danger of that happening. In the multiverse, never had occurred until now, I guess. Now there's multiple universes that are spawning on.
Anyway, I'm cutting caffeine because, you know, it's like it's just never actually hit me the way that I imagine things should. It's more about the B vitamins. And I've talked about that before and like the energy drinks. But now I just take a daily B vitamin supplement and that's helping out a lot. Because when I'm taking the Staris, it's just it's a long term. It's extended throughout the day. So I never really get to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm tired. I need a pick me up. But as soon as I drink a cup of coffee, I go, oh, I'm so tired.
because it has a weird inverse effect sometimes, and it's just like, oh man, I'm just like, sleepy time now. So I'm cutting it out, and I'm going to be not doing it anymore. That's admirable, though.
I've not cut it out completely for a long period, but I did almost a month where I did like a kind of a caffeine reset. Man, that first energy drink, the month after I did the reset, I was like, holy shit, it does something. That was last year. I'm already at the point now where I'll get the biggest can of Red Bull they sell. And I chugged the whole thing and I'm like, oh, I need a nap. Oh, that's tough. It's like, that's not...
That's probably that good. I've heard chemically in your brain, it's like caffeine only works in small amounts periodically. And if you get used to it, unless you hit your threshold of caffeine, it acts as like a depressant instead. And you kind of just generally doesn't work as well, more relaxing than anything. But then you, you, that's why you keep L.
Elevating the amount and up and up and up. I'm not trying to say that everyone out there shouldn't drink coffee or take caffeine It's just that like ADHD medication is already a stimulant as it is like a star is a milder one But it's still a stimulant and it still affects you and then caffeine on top of that It's just too many stimulants probably not good for the body not great for the systems bad for the sleep and
And so I'm trying to fix all that. That's admirable. I'm eternally jealous of people where caffeine is just like a thing they can do and it gives them... Like Mandy has that...
Mandy is super sensitive to caffeine. And so like, if she gets a bad night's sleep and the next morning is just like super rough, she could just be like, Oh man, I'm going to have a sip of Dr. Pepper. That will help. And then she has like half a Dr. Pepper and she's like, Oh, the caffeine. I'm like, what the fuck is it? Dr. Pepper, what happened?
Like, I wish I had that. God damn. I wouldn't mind doing an energy drink or coffee or something when it's needed. Like, I need to stay up tonight and do something. I better take this because that's what it's for, as opposed to just getting up every day and then taking it, which kind of defeats the purpose. But again, everyone can do whatever they do. I don't want to upset the capitalist machine. No, Mark's right. Caffeine is the devil. Oh, no.
No, no. Trinks your penis, I assume. Trinks your penis. Let's look up information about that. Does caffeine shrink penis? I just looked up the AI overview, just like, no, there is no evidence that caffeine shrinks the penis, and just that line is highlighted by Google's AI. What a definitive answer. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks, AI overlord. That's a weird thing, because it's not even caffeine either. Separately, soda...
The sweetness, especially of sugar-free soda, it's so sweet. It's hard to match that because I like sparkly water, flavored sparkly water. Right now, I'm in a bad cycle where I've been drinking a lot of Sprite Zero and sweet stuff. And when I get that craving, that fruity seltzer water tastes awful. This isn't sweet enough. I want the cloying sweetness of a drink that tastes like it's going to kill me. Is this?
it's the sweet one or whatever the dr pepper commercials were yeah it's the sweet one i think they're all the sweet one couldn't tell you but i do like dr pepper that's one of the many flavors in dr pepper sweet one it's also hard whenever you pair things together like i used to drink so much soda with everything that there are certain foods when i eat it like like if i go to skyline i need a soda to go with the chili they don't have mountain dew at skyline anymore it's kind of ruined i
I was always Pepsi with Skyline. Now I do Dr. Pepper because they have their Coke products now. They switched to Coke products and they have Mellow Yellow, but no one carries Mellow Yellow Zero on tap. They always had Diet Mountain Dew up in there. Still disappointed about that one, but I'll survive. Probably should just not eat Skyline or Diet Mountain Dew anymore.
Okay, let's not be crazy. He's right. What if you bring your own Mountain Dew to Skyline, but you buy a Mellow Yellow, and then you just ask for just a cup of ice, and you're like, I will pay for the soda, but I need my Mountain Dew, which is how you drink Mountain Dew. You get the shake as you pour it.
I feel like the rational solution is to just get Skyline to go, which is not the same. It's not as good to go. It's still good. But you can ask for the cheese on the side, which helps. A three-way is not the same on your table as it is someone else's, you know? I eat my three-way on my lap like a dog. Even if you're in the restaurant, just at the bar, I'll take it in my lap, please. Here's your order. You just spin your stool and gesture to your crotch. I don't like barking at my dick. That was not a fun experience.
What did you do to your dick? For some reason, whenever I was eating off my lap, I went... I don't know why that was my response to that. I must have missed that. You were talking and he... Did you scare your dick a little bit?
Thankfully, it's hard to scare it any smaller after my caffeine intake. Hey, Google says there's no evidence supporting that. Well, my PP says there is. Okay, all right, well. I was just trying to think of small talk this whole time. Yeah, big talk? Wait, I got a workbench in the garage, Mark. I got an altar to put all my Ryobi products on. Whoa! Well, it's one of those rolling tool chests with the workbench on top kind of thing, so it's got like...
20 drawers that I'll pull out. Since I got that, I also ordered a couple things, Ryobi things that were on sale. So I have more Ryobi in my life than I had previously. You do enter a phase in your life when you get a workbench and you start collecting your tools. I have a workbench, but it's not organized. So I can't say that there's any pride going on in
there. But Jason keeps all of his tools extremely, extremely organized. Like absolutely everything has a label. Everything is in its place. He just cut out a bunch of tool slots for everything. So I'm envious of that. But I, I don't feel like you have to do that to chat, to be a real workbench guy. I've been watching a lot of woodworking YouTube and I like the workbenches where the guy pulls a drawer open and it's just like someone took every wrench in existence and just went and the guy opens it and like, Oh yeah, I need a three eights.
Yeah, there it is. Like, he knows where it is, even though it looks like an absolute clusterfuck of everything. That's the kind of workbench I aspire to. I want the drawer that you open and go, clang, clang, clang, clang. Oh, you gotta wiggle it. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang. Clang, clang. Open the drawer above, hit a hammer on it. Boom.
Then it opens. That's what I want. I think I own a hammer, a wrench. I think I own at least one of each of those tools. Those are good things to have. What size? Oh, they fit in my hand and they have a little thing that makes them go... That's called adjustable wrench. Yep.
Got one of those. Why is it called that? Because you can adjust the mouth. This guy thinks he's not a workbench guy. You're a workbench guy. You're on the way. I'm more of a junk drawer guy with a couple tools I was given over the years. That's always where it starts. It hasn't evolved yet after 10 years of having those things. Oh, sometimes it starts slow. It's coming. Just wait. Workbench guy. Two weeks from now, I'll come back and I'm Tool the Tim Man...
Tool the Tim Man Taylor. Close enough. My brain couldn't figure out what was wrong with that sentence. I was like, no, those are all the correct words. I'm glad he got it, Mark. That was really good. You have to do it backwards, Wade. Yeah, you didn't get that way. That was for you. It's inverted, just like Tool the Tim Man.
I might be one of the most clever jokes you've ever made. That was great. I applaud you. That makes me question myself when you say things like that. No, it's really. Was it that funny?
That's a very intelligent, quick to come up with joke. Not to hyperanalyze the comedy of it, but that is actually really fast to come up with that idea. And it's very funny. Everyone should be clapping. Everyone who's driving. They are. They are. Take your hands off the wheel. Clap loudly. Roll your window down and stick your torso out and scream to the world. No, but seriously, car accidents while listening to this podcast have never been higher. Please be careful.
Mark, are you prepared? What do I need to be prepared? You don't need to be prepared. You just need to brace yourself. Okay. All right. Wade, do you want me to kick it off? By all means. Our first game today is a classic. It's one we've all enjoyed. The viewers have requested more of it. So I think it's time. We call this one Easy Questions.
I thought you were going to say change. I was like, oh, God, no. No, we can add that in if you want that. No, no, it's okay. I don't need that. Easy questions, Mark. When did we play that? Well, there were 20 easy questions previously. Do you remember the wall? What was the wall? Built by the Roman emperor, the wall? Adrian's wall. I think you got this one, Mark. Is it the same questions? No, it's the same questions. Oh, God. Do you...
What was the most commonly occurring, naturally occurring element on Earth? Do you remember, Mark? Do you remember? Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Astatine! Ast
No, it's okay. I know you know those ones because they're so easy. We have new easy questions, Mark. Okay, I'm ready. And you should know these. Some of them you've learned, like Wade taught us about philosophy. Most of them are science. He loves science. Space. I love science. Yeah, we'll just rotate, Bob. You ask one, I'll ask one, and we'll go through. Apollo 11, Mark. You know things about space. Yeah.
What programming language was used to write the Apollo 11 guidance computer software? Probably assembly. See? Good job! You know these! Hey!
Another easy one. Which philosopher is credited with the quote, I think, therefore I am? I don't fucking know. Witty's Whittle Philosophy Hour. We talked about this. One of the most well-known. At least top 20. I think you made a series of jokes riffing on this exact quote. Matthew McConaughey. Are you talking about Matthew McConaughey? I don't think that is the philosopher. T-H-I-N-K-T-H-E-R-E-F-O-R-E-I-N.
That is not the philosopher's name. Oh, I thought that was pretty close. Socrates? So close. Rene Descartes. Of course. Yeah, obviously. Of course. Back to science. What is the half-life of carbon-14? Come on, man. You know this. Easy questions.
Oh, man. Oh, yeah. You love science. You love science. Uh-huh. Oh, well, obviously the answer is 1,248,321 years. So close.
So, so close, bud, but not quite. Of course, the half-life of carbon-14 is 5,730 years. You knew that. You knew that. You just couldn't remember. You just couldn't remember. That's how many feet are in a mile. Exactly. Sure, yeah, yeah. Which moon of Jupiter is known for its subsurface ocean potential for harboring life?
Is it Europa?
It's Europa! Hey! This guy. All right, Mark. We did almost an entire episode where this was a thing we talked about extensively. And I believe it was a thing that you brought up. I know you know this. Oh, great. Okay. Okay. What does CRISPR stand for in the field of genetic engineering? Whoa.
I know you know this. These are all words that everyone knows probably. Except maybe that one.
I'll give you a hint. It starts with a C. Yeah, CRISPR. C-R-I-S-P-R. All right. And you know the letters. That's not the question we asked, but that's pretty good. Don't tell me if I'm right or wrong until I get to the end of it, okay? All right. Sell. That's not right. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. No one said anything. No one said a word. So if we just make faces while he guesses, he'll never know. I'll make the same. I'll react the same way to every guess, if it's right or wrong. All right.
Cell raw insertion sensual pleasure reaction. Ah, so close. So close. Yeah, what was it? Put your listening ears on, because of course CRISPR stands for Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short Palindromic Repeats. What did you... I blacked out. What did you just say? What?
Clustered, regularly interspaced, short palindromic repeats. Palindromic? Yeah, you know, palindrome. Yeah, I know palindrome. You know about palindromes. Yeah, I didn't know that was in the name. Race car's a palindrome. Ugh. It was a good attempt.
I got a softball for you. You definitely know this one. I'm already knocking it off the list. I'm already checking it off. You know it. Who directed the 1982 cyberpunk film Blade Runner? Oh, Ridley Scott. Hey, see? This guy knows. This guy knows. Great. What is the Schwarzschild radius? Oh, yeah. It's something to do with a black hole.
I think. But it's not the event horizon. Or is that something else? What has a radius in life? What radii? Half the diameter. He's great!
All right, Wayne. All right, moving on. Next question. Wayne answered his own question. Sorry. All right. It's something to do with the black hole, I think, but it's not the event horizon. So it must be just like the minimum or something size that things must be compressed out to become a black hole or something like that. I don't remember.
That's honestly so close, but I can't give it to you. That's fair. But the Schwarzschild radius is the radius of the event horizon of a black hole. Oh, so it is the event horizon.
okay. I was like, I kept being like, it doesn't have anything to do with it. It doesn't have anything to do with him. Yeah, you were right there, except for the one should have been a zero or vice versa. The zero should have been a one. That was very good. You're a smart guy. All right, another softie. In what year did the cultural revolution begin in China? Which one? The most recent one. 19 37? 19 37? Sure. Who
Ooh, very close. 19 was a good guess. 66. Ah, okay, right. Oh, you're talking about the communist. The Mao Zedong Revolution. I see, I see. Contemporarily, that's referred to as the Cultural Revolution, right? I see, I see, I see, okay. All right, Mark, you know this one. Yeah. Which element was synthesized in 1994 and named for a famous physicist? Problems.
Probably Einsteinium. Okay, all right. And you remembered astatine and everything. I did. Did I say astatine? You said astanium. It was your close. Oh, before. Okay, I thought somehow my lips had moved and words had come out and I didn't notice it. Black out and say something else. Maybe. Who was the last Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt? Ptolemy. Great guess, but no, Cleopatra VII.
The seven. I mean, that's sort of the one I think we know as Cleopatra, but yes. Okay. All right. Gotcha. Okay. But there is a VII, which historians have told me means seven. Okay. All right. That's true. All right. You did pretty good, Mark. You got four correct and six almost correct.
All right. What does that get me? The next segment. Yeah, you've earned the right to move on to the next segment, Mark. Oh, yay. I would hate to end early. This is one that we've also done before and you thoroughly excelled at and everyone very much enjoyed your offerings in this episode. Unfortunately, Wade and I are not going to be trying to keep up with you this go around, so it's going to be just you. Everyone will be excited to hear. The next game is called Two Sentence Horror Stories. Oh.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God. Looks like you're wearing your spooky pants. All right, I'm ready. Let's do this. Come on. Bring it on. I'm good. Paul, would you like to lead us off again? Sure. You know, so if there's anyone who doesn't listen to that episode, you should go listen to it. Mark absolutely shines. I'm going to give Mark one sentence, and his job is to give me the second sentence to make a two-sentence horror story. You'll get it once we start going, but just in case.
The ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong.
Let him cook. Give him a sec. Give me one more time. The ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong. It's an earthquake. A spooky earthquake. Look, if you're not afraid of an earthquake, it's going to be scary. That's true. I've only really ever experienced one earthquake in real life and it was the babiest earthquake ever. It was, I was live on stream when it happened and I basically was just all,
I think that was an earthquake. It was terrifying. For the half second before my body could process what was happening, it was like, oh no, the house is collapsing or something. It's scary. I got another. I got another. Wade, cue me up that. Same one. The ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong. Especially because I was on the moon.
Shut up. Shut up. No, that does work because of moon worms. Right. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Should we skip around through these a few, Bob? We have a lot. I imagine we'll just pick out some of our favorites. If you have any favorites, you could skip right to them. I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching. So I turned around. I don't fucking know. Well, you know about turning around. Yeah. I thought this was a softball. Ha ha ha.
I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching. So I turned around. That was the fastest ghost I've ever seen. Oh, I like that. I like that. We're laughing, but I do like that. That's good. That's good. I like that. We're laughing more at your process of coming up with it. I don't know. What am I supposed to say? It just looks like you're being stabbed with a voodoo doll while you try to come up with these.
If only you had practiced being in positions where you had to improvise language coming out of your mouth on the spot. I can come up with anything, but if it's supposed to be like a horror story, you turn around, what is it like? Oh no, grandma in her fast mobility chair. Just turn around and what do you see? A moose? Yeah, mooses are scary. Mooses could be terrifying.
That's fine. Don't worry, Mark. We'll keep it fresh here. This'll, this'll be a little palate cleanser before we get into the next two sentence horror story. Mark, what is the half-life of carbon 14?
Ah, it's the same as a mile. 5,730, baby. Holy shit, he got it right. I'm never going to remember what an actual mile is, but I will always think. All right, good job. See, this is designed for you to succeed. Mm-hmm, yeah, I feel successful. Am I not going to be allowed to finish Descendants Horror Stories until I answer all the questions? Oh, we don't have rules that complicated. Okay, good. Finish this Horror Story. Woo!
Wake up, daddy! My daughter cried, shaking me. Kids are scary. Kids are inherently scary. You got a lot to work with here. Wake up, daddy! My daughter cried, shaking me. I opened my eyes and saw the scariest kid I've ever seen.
You said kids are scary. Yeah, kids are scary. Kids are scary. So I was like, ah, that's his fear. I'll tap right into that fear. And I think I got you. I think you're just hiding your fear. Hey, if my daughter tried to wake me up by shaking me, I would be terrified since I don't have one of those. That was good. That was concise. Good job. Thank you. We're not keeping track of points, but if we were, you would have earned a point for that.
All right, here we go. All I wanted to do was make a sandwich. I feel like that's not a sentence. I feel like that's not a complete sentence. That's a whole sentence. I don't think it is. I think it's... I want to make a sandwich. All I wanted to do. Well, that was the qualifier, but I want to make a sandwich. I wanted to make a sandwich. All right, all right.
It was all I wanted to do. Hit me again. All I wanted to do was make a sandwich. Too bad I was in jail. I'm trying, man! No, they're great. I love this. How do I make a sandwich? Scary! I don't know. What's in the sandwich? Scary stuff? I pulled out the divorce bread.
I got the mayonnaise that makes you old. Oh, that's a tough balance. The old mayonnaise and the young mustard. Can I get it just right? Or the sandwich really fucks you up. All right, I'm ready. You want it scary. I'll give you an unquestionably scary setup. I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had covered in sweat.
Guys, it's not going to be good. I believe in you. No, it's not. It's going to be great. It's the same thing, guys. It's great. It's fine. I dreamt I was in the scariest sauna you've ever seen.
I like that. I like that. Ties in the nightmare. Ties in the covered in sweat. I like that. I couldn't get sauna out of my head. It just was stuck there from the very beginning. I was like, why would he be sweating? Oh, sauna. Ready for one more? No. Great. I opened my eyes and I was drifting, floating in the middle of the ocean alone.
That's already scary by itself. I don't need to make anything else. Period. Period. Period. Terrifying. There's already a period at the end of this. Fuck. Quote, parentheses. Yeah, parentheses. Oh no. Period. Parentheses. Said I.
All right, Bob, I'm learning a lesson. We gotta give him a scary intro, but not too scary. He loses the ability to think if you go right after his fears. I think it's a good... If I was in the middle of the ocean, I would say, oh no, because that's all the scariness. That's... Oh no, should I? I mean, it is a horror story. You can't hit him with the old, oh no, he said. Yeah. It's true. Oh no. Terrifiedly. No, I know what we have to do next. I know what we have to do next. Mark, what does CRISPR stand for in genetic engineering?
I told you. I know you did. I know you did. All right. I know. It's in there. Those words, they're in there. You know this. Cell. Is that right? You can't react. Clustered. Clustered. Clustered. Oh. No, it's an R actually next. Clustered. Ranticulated. Inverted. Inverted.
Palindromic. Wait, S. Succulent palindromic. I got two of them. I think I got two of them. You got one of those, right? I got two. Clustered. Oh, no, you did throw palindromic in there. That's true. That's correct. It stands for clustered, regularly interspaced, short palindromic repeats. Ah, well, I didn't finish my word. My mic cut off. I said re.
And you didn't hear the Pete's at the end there. That's fair. We did not hear the Pete's. All right, Mark. We'll go back to something I know you're good at. Are we continuing two sentence or do you want to move on to section four? Oh, God. I don't want section four. I actually really want to see section four. I don't like the sound of section four. I'm pretty excited. I mean, there's nothing that says we can't circle back to two sentence. We're circling back to the question. That's true. All right, Mark. So we're going to give you a headline and you've got to tell us what you think the story is behind the headline. Okay.
All right. While doing an impression of someone, we tell you to do an impression. Fuck. Oh, man. You're really hitting my strong suits, guys. Don't worry. We've only preselected impressions that we know you can do really well. Oh, thanks. Thank you. That sounded sarcastic, but we did actually pick impressions that you do. I'll give you a softball to start. Real easy one. I'm ready. Tell me.
Tell me what happened in this story. German Shepherd leads mass breakout at Dog Park. Using your best Chica impression. Those bastards. Those bastards locked me in here. I need to lead a revolution. I'm assuming this is German Shepherd Chica, so we're just going to go with that. Sure. Ach du lieber. I don't know what I'll do, but I know that I have natural charisma.
I don't need to act it as the dog, do I? You could just talk about what happened in the news. No, I'm sticking first person. Do it however you want. I'm into this. Are you tired, my fellow dogs, of not enough treats? Not enough toys? Them taking away the toys you freshly decapitated? Kill them. All of them. We start with the little ones. Go. Go.
And then they jumped over the fence. Oh, you're like recounting this to your grandpuppies? Yeah. I stayed in the park because I was a good... See? Easy. Easy, Mark. You got this. My favorite thing about she is when she tells a joke and she laughs. Good one, me. Good one.
She has really good jokes. Cheek is the funniest dog I know. I don't know that many dogs, but Cheek is definitely the funniest dog I know. All right, Mark. This is a good one. I'm excited for this one. What happens in this headline? Find the bastard who shat down my chimney. Homeowner's flu poo horror. And please describe what happens in this headline doing an impression of your best friend, me. How do you talk? So...
I don't know how to do an impression of you. You talk normally. We're all from Ohio. So was the right word to start with. You were on exactly the right track. So there I was on that roof. I really had to go. I look around. Nothing but chimneys. And I'm thinking...
You know, that chimney's about the same size as my butthole. So, dropped my pants, squatted over the thing. Next thing I know, they're just screaming at me! And here I am trying to get some privacy, and I'm like, "Hey, uh, fuck you." "I'm Bobbin', fuck you!" And then I finished, I wiped with a shingle, I slid down there, my shoes flew off,
landed in my Tesla that I modded out custom eBay parts. I drove off into the sunset to be with my wife and my child. Cause I'm Bob. Oh,
I basically told that story. I closed my eyes. I could just picture Bob. I've never heard my own voice come from outside my body before. Yeah, the only thing that I was like, oh, that's something you do. You like lists. When you're telling a story, you do good lists of actions one after another. I am currently waiting on several things from eBay Auto for both of our cars. So that was dead on. And I kind of have to poop. Mark, which philosopher is credited with the quote, I think, therefore I am?
It's not Ridley Scott, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that much. I know that. Just let it flow. It's in there. It wants to come out. You don't want what's in my head right now. Oh, we do. Pierce Brosnan.
So close. It's something, I don't know, it's something, it's something like that. Rene Descartes. No, it was not like that. No, you know what's funny is I could absolutely see how those ended up somewhere near each other and when your brain was searching for like, oh, you just said it, hang on. Descartes?
Brosnan. Well, Ridley Scott actually was closer, honestly. Much closer with Ridley Scott. I wish you'd stuck with that. It was less painful to listen to. Wait, I have one highlighted that I just can't wait anymore. I really want to hear him talk about this one. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. Yeah, whatever you want. It's technically your turn. I guess I could just do that next. Former gold mine reopened with new purpose. Once Kat seen exiting the mine in your best Herschel from The Walking Dead impression.
Which one? Well, it's a mind story, so... The floor is yours. All right, okay.
So there I was, deep in the mines, and I just started to lose it from all the gases that were accumulating at the bottom there. Heavier than air. My canary died, my gerbil expired, my dog exploded, but my cat, my cat was alive! Or so I thought, I assumed. I ran up
sprinted into town, barely made it out. I said, it's the mind that makes animals explode. But everyone was like, there's gold in there. And I was like, get away. But I tried to stop him. I followed him up the hill and they were all marching with their torches and their pitchforks and we're going to kill this mind. And I was like, okay, all right. Got up there.
Cat came out. I said, stand back, it's gonna blow! Coughed. Gold nugget pops right out. I killed everybody. Everybody in the area. Killed them all. I killed everybody. My mine. My gold.
My cat! Uplifting. Good to see you again, Herschel. Ah, I miss those days. Ah, yeah, good times, good times. I'm Herschel, I'm my cat, my girl. I'm Lori. I think the original voice might have been a bit harsher on the throat. I'm gonna get it. I remember a lot of the voices being done were pre any kind of training on the voice or any kind of, you know, good practices, so, um, because I'm...
Because I remember old Herschel was like, a lot more. Yeah.
He is older now by like a decade. So it makes sense. He sounds a little different. All right, Mark. This is my favorite headline that Wade, Wade scrounged up for this. I love it very much. Tell me what happens in this headline. 13 remain dead in morgue after painting debacle. Please expound on this headline in your best impression of old Markiplier before he changed. Hello, everybody. Markiplier here. It's
So I found this painting in this
And so I went to the store and it was a painting and it was a me. And I was like, wow, that's weird. So I bought it and then I said, I went to a club and I showed it to them. I showed everyone. And so I was like, hey, look at this. And they were like, it's blank. And I was like, oh, it's blank. What's up with that? So then all of a sudden, all their blood started exploding out of their bodies. Boom.
I don't know what happened. And then, zoom right into the painting. And so I now find that I can live forever through the sacrifice of everyone. Is this old Markiplier? I don't even know anymore. Kind of. I think so. I felt like you hadn't changed there. Yeah. That felt like 2013. I couldn't remember. I was trying to go for the... What's the... The Dorian Gray. I was trying to go for the painting of Dorian Gray, and then halfway through, I forgot how it worked. It's a...
Is he the guy that whips the girl in Fifty Shades? Yes, that's it. No, oh, that's right. The painting's old. Yeah, the painting ages and he doesn't age. Painting's me, but old. Ah. He just took a break. He just left and came back. He's still in there. He's old. All right, Mark. A two-sentence horror story for you. I opened the cupboard in the old abandoned house to find a single dust-covered cup. The trouble was, I owned two cups. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Dramatic pause even. Wow. That'd be pretty scary. Yeah. Now you'd be like, well, where the fuck's the cup? I live here alone with the shit. Just for kicks, Mark. And what year did the cultural revolution begin in China? 1966. Hell yeah, it did. Bob, do we want to dive into the last bit?
bit or do you uh i would love to just keep circling back to all this stuff but we should probably get to the last section here yeah okay mark over our many years of doing this podcast and reaching back before you've created some incredibly memorable stingers
Some segment introductions that have been used on multiple occasions, just etched into our memories. Everybody loves them. It's a crowd favorite. And we were hoping for this episode, if you could do us the honor of recreating from memory your stinger introduction.
intros that you had for and we'll give you the titles give you the titles it's okay if you could recreate it from memory the stingers that you've played over the years of distractible yeah they're just literally like we quote them constantly so they're you know i just oh those memories are perfect they're perfectly encapsulated truly was i love them i love them and i'm excited for this one i'm so ready
This is one of the most iconic ones, I feel like. So we'll start with an easy one. I would love for you to recreate morbid mysteries of the missing millennium. Do I have to do the music too? We can imagine the music. You can do what you can if you want to make sounds to supplement. Have you ever felt a chill run down your spine?
Well, I turned around and he was gone. Have you ever felt a presence standing right behind you? Well, I don't know what happened. When I turned around, they were gone. And then, have you ever poked your pants really hard? I don't believe in ghosts! When I turned around, I didn't know what I was seeing.
This is Morbid Mysteries of the Missing Millennium. Viewer discretion is advised. Oh, he's even got the viewer discretion bit. You always gotta do the viewer discretion is advised. Alright, let's see how accurate that was. Oh god. I want you all to close your eyes, okay? Imagine. I went searching for the truth. Like a fool, I found it.
There it is. This is Morbid Mysteries of the Missing Millennium.
Viewer discretion is advised. Oh, I forgot about the... God, that was so much better than I remembered it ever being. I got the one I just made confused with it because I forgot how I set up that one. Yeah, no, don't worry. We'll get to the smell one. Don't worry. Oh...
I'm going to be honest. All of the rest of these, no, two of the rest of these, I didn't remember happening. We had to do some research. So I'm curious how much you'll remember. But you crafted these. He'll remember. Some of those are lost to the winds. Oh, I found them. Okay, never mind. Please recreate for us unusual oddities of an unreal understanding. Fuck. Oh, God. I don't fucking know, man. What the fuck is that?
This is not something I made. You're trying to gaslight me. I wouldn't do... Oh, man. Well, I guess we'll see if I have a recording of that queued up or not. All right. No, I got this. All right. Here we go. Should we give them the first words? No, I don't need it. I don't need it. What was it called? Unusual... Unusual oddities of an unreal understanding. It's really interesting the way that this one starts. Shut up. No, it's not. It is, actually. Oh.
Oh, my mind is unraveling all around me. I'm stuck in a tornado! Oh, no! I'm expo- Oh, it's just 12 dead in a sweep. 18 found dead after a truck foot. And then unusual oddities of something understanding. Ha ha ha!
Viewer discretion is advised. Alright, let's see how that goes, kids.
Have you ever felt a chill up your spine? I don't know, man. Something just feels off. Like you know there's something standing right behind you, but you just can't turn around. Cut it out, man. You're giving me the creeps. What if I told you that the world was stranger than you could ever possibly imagine? I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't believe in ghosts. Something just feels off.
Welcome to Unusual Oddities of an Unreal Understanding.
oh yeah sorry this is from episode recording so there's a little bit of me and wade laughing over some of these somehow we didn't get your original audio yeah those are lost those are actually lost and there's some from way back when that i would be shocked if you have because i made like three of those at the very beginning of of distracting i think i have one or two well we have three more if that gives you anything oh god you have them we
sure do mark who was the last ptolemaic ruler of egypt cleopatra the seventh oh hell yeah this guy mark we've done a couple of spooky mark intros but we have one here that i think is uplifting i think will help get you in the right mindset moving forward please perform for us
The greatest good. You could have a hint if you wanted. What? Yeah, give me a hint. I don't... I would never do a cheerful one of these. What are you talking about? Do you want the first line? The opening line? Wait, I do know. Wait, I'm remembering. I'm vaguely remembering. It started off... Something like that. And then it's all like... 17 children saved from exploding burning bus accident. $20,000 returned to old grandma who was robbed...
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, bong, bing, bing. Local cat saved from burning tree. Burning cat saved from local tree. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. This is the greatest good. Viewer discretion is advised. That's really good, actually. It's an inspirational story. One that really touches the heart and soul of everyone who will hear it.
In a world full of darkness and cynicism. All 37 puppies were found alive. Sometimes, a shining beacon of light can shine through. The Olympic gold medalist sold his medal to buy food for the hungry, which was him. Better than okay, this is The Greatest Good.
No viewer discretion is advised on that one, though. You got the right, like, feel, though. Yeah, you basically remembered that. That is an old one. That is one of the original batch. I would give you credit for that. That episode was from Never Give Up, which I think was December of, like, what was that, 2021? Of the first year. Oh, yeah, wow. All right, Mark, well, the next one's basically the polar opposite of that. But first, what is the Schwarzschild radius? Oh, it's the radius of the event horizon.
Legendary. All right. If you could recreate for us from the episode, we're all going to die. You're a stinger entitled nightmares of futures past.
I'm going to be honest with you. I haven't the foggiest clue. I could make up some shit like I've been doing the past ones. I don't even know where this one begins. It's probably similar to the other ones that have made sense. There's a kind of a formula. Yeah. I don't remember. Question. Person. Question. Person. Nightmares. Pretty much, yeah. Is there viewer's discretion advised? That's what I want to know. I feel like you have to guess. It's there. Viewer discretion is advised.
No matter how terrifying.
So how good is bone broth for you? This is Nightmares of Future's Past.
Right, because I did that as a surprise. No viewer discretion advised. I forgot. Yeah, no viewer. I thought there was viewer discretion advised. I thought there was too. Because I remember I prepared a long intro with no dialogue for me to actually live say as it was playing and then go into the thing. It was quite a surprise. You guys had no fucking idea what was happening. Yeah, no, I don't remember that happening, but it had a twist to it. It was interesting. Yeah.
man I was creative back then you changed man Mark which philosopher's credit but the quote I think therefore I am I'll let you know your last guess was Pierce Brosnan I'm trying to get that out of my head oh Ryan Deckard
That's it. All right, Mark, finish this two sentence horror story. Come on, man. A fat Siamese cat just ate all my mackerel. I had just hauled in a record setting 2,200 pounds of mackerel. That's no ordinary cat comma. That's no ordinary cat.
Wow. I like that. I like that one. That's a good one. I like that. Mark, I've got a headline here for you. Man making pasta ends up on wild police chase. In your best Shrek impression. Ah, there I was.
Beautiful. It sounds a lot like your Irish accent. Oh, oh.
No. Different. Mark, your most recent stinger. You could recreate it, please. It's called... It's in the air. Fuck! Why can't I remember what I just made? Like a week ago. I spent so long doing it. It's why I'm here. It's got me into this shit. It got me into this mess. Wait. I've got it. Shut your whore mouth. What the fuck?
Sorry, that was in my research, finding all these clips. I put that one on there too, just for me. All right, I've got it. All right, I'm ready. Okay, here we go. Isn't something smell a little off to you? Hey, do you smell something? Well, that's a weird smell. I don't know what it is. Have you ever felt the chill run up your spine? It was like something grabbed me on the shoulder, but when I turned around, it didn't.
Get ready to forget everything you know about everything. Guys, I'm still smelling something weird. A whole city of people just turning round and round endlessly. All right, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm... Oh, my God.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Wow. That was pretty close, yeah. That was pretty close, right? Yeah, I might have messed up. But the way it actually went was... Yeah, let's play it again. Let's play it again. I don't know why I... And that was the most word-filled, like, word soup one possible. I don't know how everyone remembered that. Well, I think we're about ready for the end, but one more question for you, Mark. What does CRISPR stand for in genetic engineering? Oh, clustered, randomly inserted, short palindromic...
Oh, fuck. Repeats! You got most of those words right, but you missed two of them. Oh, well, it's the R and the I. It sure is. Clustered regularly interspaced short palindromic repeats. Sure. Bob, I think we're at six.
I think we are. Six? What do you mean six? What do you mean? I mean we're at subsection six. Don't worry, there's only seven subsections. What do you mean? Mark, you're going to love this part. I've loved everything so far. All right, Mark. We get to figure out who wins. Oh, no. Me, Bob, or do you have to do a one-man show? There's...
Almost no chance. You're right. I'm not worried about this one. It basically can't happen. Yeah, you're right. It can't happen. Anyway, I'm going to click the thing. God, I hope we don't get one man show again. Can we really? Bob, you earned this one. I did it. You did it. All right. Well, I guess if Bob's the winner, Bob, would you like to go first? Would you like Mark to go first? Oh, I would love for Mark to go first.
Yeah, so Mark, we have a loser's speech for you, but it is a not-sponsor, so you're going to have to read the not-sponsor bit as you do your loser's speech. But don't worry, not all of it is verbatim, so you can kind of riff a little bit. I have to read this exactly as written? This is your sponsored segment, and then you can give your loser's speech once you do the sponsored segment for the not-sponsored. Listen up. You can change however you want the rest of it verbatim.
Alright, this is not sponsored by tallmenshoes.com Listen up, short men feeling blue, tired of life looking down on you, I'm Mark, and I've been
been there too. But TallMenShoes.com saw me through. Two to five inches taller you'll stand, no more feeling like less of a man. Small club members all agree these shoes set our spirits free. What small club, you might ask? Short men aspiring to long legs, our task. We meet to gripe and moan and whine about how being short's a poor design. Visit TallMenShoes.com today. What
walk tall in a brand new way boost your height boost your life cut through struggles like a knife disclaimer these shoes won't fix your tiny frame or make you less of a dating shame your worth's still small let's be clear but hey at least you'll feel less near to the ground all right is this a real website it is a real company not sponsored not affiliated can we
Comedic purposes only. It is a real website, a real company. Nothing that we said had anything to do with their actual website. Let's be clear. It's fine. It's fine. Although they say that I'm making a loser speech here, I'm not. I'm a winner because I not only met, but I exceeded all of their expectations in every way. And also clustered, regularly interspaced, short palindromic repeats.
It's good that you bring that up. Mark, what's the capital of Bhutan? Bhutan City. You know what? It's wrong, but I'll take it. What is the name of the deepest known point in Earth's oceans? Mariana's Trench. We've got Challenger Deep. It's in the Mariana's Trench. It's in the Mariana's Trench. What is it? More specific? I think the answer to that is... Well, I would have known. I do know about the Challenger Deep. Bob Winterspeed!
This was probably not our weirdest episode to date, but it felt weird. My eyes are still tearing up. I had a great time. I think we all had a great time. And that's what's most important. All three of us were here just hanging out, having a good time, enjoying life. And that's why it was such a funny episode.
I feel grateful that I won this and I can't wait to move on and never have to do the wheel spin again. He said optimistically. We have a bunch of new constitutional stuff that I already have forgotten almost all of, but something, something wheel spin still exists. I don't care. I win, bitches. Yeah. Nice job, everyone. Nice job. Bye.
Bob, thank you for all your help. I feel like it was actually a pretty good amount of work building the one-man show, but it was a lot of fun. It was good to go back and review some of these things and look forward to Mark, especially doing two-sentence horror stories again. Mark, thanks for being a good sport. Thank you. If you haven't already, go follow Bob at MySkirm, Mark at Markiplier, or me at Minion777 or LordMinion777. Make sure you follow or subscribe to the podcast. Keep watching, oil watchers. And I guess we'll see you in the next one. Until then, podcast out.