Shownotes Transcript
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This episode... Maze-like Mark leads a terrible trio into catastrophic conundrums. Bragging Bob builds for his boy, plays in pizza, greets Gary, gets zapped and squashed, but escapes via estuary. Birthday boy White Whisker Wade fucks his former day family, survives sex, and is victorious over Venus. From calamitous cams to malevolent meteors... Yes...
It's time for... "Nah, I'd Win" Part 3. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Are you alright there, bud? Oh, did I click record too soon? Uh oh. No, no, it's fine. I don't know why this one is so hard for me to contextualize in my head. Is it math? Is it two sentences long? No, it's not math.
Wait, hey, shut up. This is the best creative process I've ever gotten to witness live. Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. Okay. I got it. Were you making fun of me? No, I thought we were doing a bit to start the episode. I was trying to participate. No, no. I was yes-ending. Oh, I see. Alright, alright. Well, I have it. Hi. Welcome to Distractible.
I have an idea for this episode. And I was thinking very hard about it. And it only came to me right after the last episode that we recorded. And then I was like, ooh, that's good. And then I was like, oh, I got it. And then I was like, oh, there's something wrong with it.
Ah, and then I had to go think about it, and now I'm still, now I'm completely unsure if this idea is going to work at all. But hey, that's a problem for future me. In about 15 minutes, I'm either going to have something or not have something. But in that interim, might be the only valuable part of this episode. So we're gonna make it a good one. What episode? This is the name of the episode. Ha ha ha!
Man, I am brimming with confidence. And you know who else is brimming with confidence? These two gentlemen right here. Bob and Wade! Hey, how's it going? Yeah, what's up? How's it going? I'm already having a good time. I love this. This is a great episode, Mark. Thank you. I'm just so sorry that the viewers, the listeners, have had to miss out on watching Mark's creative process. This will be the first time we do a cold open for a distractible episode. Yeah, maybe. Four minutes of thinking this.
If you didn't know, this is how I come up with all the plot points to Heist in Space. It is just me going... I'm trying to look...
work it through well you start off by beating yourself repeatedly on the head and then came the it's uh it's it's it's all going very good over here at distractible hq but how good is it these gentlemen are going to tell me how good is your lives going today guys my woodworking journey
That's a bad whistle, but it's going well. Better than that whistle implies. I have legs of a... I'm building a table for James. Did you guys ever covet when you were kids like those train activity tables where you built the little wood, Brio wood train on it? I'm building one for James.
for James. And I have almost all of my wood milled down and cut down to size and I got pocket holes. I'm doing pocket holes guys. I got a pocket hole jig so I drilled a bunch of pocket holes. All I need now is plywood but I don't have a car you can fit sheets of plywood in because I don't have a cool truck like Mark does. So I have to go somewhere and trust the people who work at the store to cut my plywood down to size for me which is not a thing I really trust them to do but I'm sure it'll be fine. But then once I have that...
table. I also have some little cutoffs of hardwood I'm going to make. Get this.
A napkin holder. I like napkins. I use them. When I make the napkin holder, I can bring it here and show it on camera. It's like the restaurant ones where you have napkins on both sides. Or is it fancy so you only pull napkins from one side? It's not a dispenser. It's like a holder. You just set napkins. That makes more sense. It's not like an industrial restaurant thing. It's like a home thing. So I was picturing that. I was like, how do you make that out of wood? But a holder makes more sense because that's a whole thing. Yeah.
Bye, Mike. I just barely touched it. Apparently that's a little loose on my mic holder. It just straight up died. What a gunshot sounded at it. Anyway. I forgot to mention this last episode, but by the time these two episodes come out, my birthday will have passed. Happy birthday!
Yay! Happy birthday! I don't want to date the episode too much, but it's not quite my birthday. Just close. Technically, we'll be together at least one more time before then, but by the time this episode comes out, it's still pretty fresh. So yeah, getting older. Is that our episode? Getting older? Probably. That's why Mark was so stressed about it. I don't know. Okay. Do you guys have this thing where like, I don't know if you care about your birthdays. Not at all. I don't.
I don't really care about my birthday, but everyone makes such a big deal about birthdays. My family is all like, well, you got to do something. What do you want? What do you want for your birthday? It's like nothing. We could do a meal or something, I guess. No, no. You have to open a present on your birthday. You have to have dinner on your birthday. You have to do this on your birthday. And it's like, I kind of just want it to be a day that exists, goes by and not really focus on the fact that I'm no longer a young buck in my prime. So it's not that's not just like you don't care about your birthday. You don't like your birthday, huh?
I don't hate it. I just don't care to make a big thing about it anymore because I feel like it's not that big of a deal. And how old will you be? 56. We're the same age, dude. I don't know. You might be younger. I'm like a month and a half older than you. You might be younger. I'm saying you might be younger. I'll be 36.
I can't forget it's 2025. I was like, oh, I'll be 35. 2024. Well, happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you. I'm like, it's not really that big of a deal. But I made my small talk about my birthday, therefore contradicting myself. You just make sure that everyone knows that that's coming just so that nobody forgets. Yeah, yeah. Don't forget it. But like, don't make a big thing about it. But like, I don't want you to not think of me. I'll send you flowers. It'll be low key. As long as it's not Thor flowers. What flowers? Because you're sending them low key.
Marvel jokes, are those still relevant? Yeah. Not to me. Okay. All right. Well, I didn't give a point for it, but I thought it was at least a little bit relevant. Not that relevant. Yeah, not that relevant. Anything else? Lexi's doing okay, but she has an infection. Are those scarier right now than usual, or is it probably fine? She doesn't have any immunocompromised issues or anything. It's just her incision has an infection, which is tough on dogs, because we've had the donut...
So she can't lick it and stuff. But she's doing okay. But it's fucking annoying because I can't get them to give me her goddamn medicine. They prescribed her antibiotics, but they sent it to just like to CVS, which I don't know why it never occurred to me, but...
But the vet was like, do you want us to send it to a pharmacy near you guys? And I was like, I don't know if we have any veterinary pharmacies. And they're like, I just a CVS or whatever. Like, it's the I was like, you can do that. Oh, my God. But it turns out CVS doesn't give a fuck about dogs. So it's been two straight days of me trying to get her medicine and failing so far. But I should have it.
Tomorrow. You show up for the medicine. They're like, you don't look like Lexi. Are you sure you're Lexi? Yeah, well, that was a whole part of the thing is they sent the info and the pharmacy was like, we don't know this person because they sent it for Lexi MySkins. And I was like, it's a dog. That's my dog. And they were like, a dog? No, we have a prescription for a child named Lexi MySkins. Is that? No, it's a dog. It's my dog. This is why I thought it wouldn't come here because it's confusing for you people. Anyway.
American health care sucks even when it's for dogs. So I laugh, but inside I cry. I don't want to talk about it, but I'm still in the throes of my I talked about I need prior authorization for my diabetes treatments. Still not settled. I have about two weeks supply right now of what I need, and I'm not sure where my next ones are coming from because I have a prior authorization. But somehow that's not enough. You need a poster authorization as well. Prior auth.
a during off and a post off. You actually need to get the post authorization from a coroner, but you have to know which coroner is going to intake your dead body when you die. So you have to go from your future coroner and you're committed to that coroner once you get a post off. Do you think people that make coffins have extra wood scraps you could use to make things? No.
Not the salespeople, but the factories maybe, but a lot of factories, their offcuts are all bundled up in specific places. I guess I'm thinking of very specific old board caskets, whereas they're not really like that at funeral homes. You mean like old pine boxes, like it's the wild, wild west out here? No, I don't think that's how they do it anymore. I don't think I've ever seen anyone buried in a coffin like that anymore. I know an expression about a coffin of having a...
something about pine something something yeah something like that i remember so vividly uh like it was yesterday yesterday yesterday i'm gonna fit him with a new pair of pine shoes oh you're referencing the old phrases i see you're gonna be sleeping with the squirrels pine shoes i don't know pine overcoat pine overcoat is the coffin pine overcoat that was it
This episode is brought to you by Walmart. I'm a busy guy. I don't have time to grocery shop. I'm always busy, but more importantly, I'm very lazy. I like to have things delivered because it's convenient. Meat.
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All right, it's time for the idea. I'm excited. I hope you are. I just want to know what it is at this point. There's been a lot of buildup. A lot of buildup for something that I've been trying to imagine how it's going to go. And I think I just got to trust in you guys for this. Okay. All right. Hey, everyone listening and or watching, remember when I said that idea wouldn't work? It didn't. But...
I've got an even better one for you. It's Nine Wind P- Yeah! And
And the title just changed, so you didn't know that up until this moment. Yeah, so we're actually going to change the title 20 minutes into the release of the episode. Make everyone feel crazy, right? But you're not crazy. Except you are! And for everyone at home, the way this works is these guys are brimming with confidence. They can surmount every unsurmountable obstacle in their path. If there's a wall, they're going right through it. In fact, Man vs. Wall...
Would probably be one of those. I have a similar one here, but it's not going to be first. But damn it, they'd win. No matter the matchup, no matter what kind of logic or science or physics gets in the way of them claiming victory or surviving, whatever is coming their way, they'd win.
They're gonna tell me exactly how that's gonna happen and I'm gonna remember to actually get up a d20 So they're going to present an option I'm gonna paint the scenario of what's happening what the objective is what the enemy they're up against and they are going to Tell me an action a single action that they will do to try to overcome that obstacle each action that I deem advantageous
actually advantageous, gets them a bonus point on their roll. They have to get 20 to overcome this obstacle, but every bonus action that stacks the odds in their favor will give them a bonus towards their roll. So whatever they roll, they get one more if they get one good action, two, three, it goes up from there. I have and will not give points if the action very clearly isn't going to help them, but I encourage them to try whatever they want to try.
Now in an invisible coin toss that was extremely fair and no one saw, Wade won a coin toss. Yes! So Wade's gonna go first. All right, Wade, you are an ant.
Okay. A weird particle of dust landed on your head from the Ophiocordyceps unilateris mushroom. If you don't know what that is, it's the mushroom that is going to take over your brain and turn you into a zombie and force you to rise up high so that your head can explode and have other spores blast out and infect other ants around you. In fact, Cordyceps is the main catalyst in The Last of Us. That's not nerdy. That's just a thing that's true.
So to be clear, our goal here is to defeat Cordyceps. If you get infected, you wouldn't die. Nah. You'd win. How? Alright. There I am, hive mentality, going and gathering food for the ant colony. When Cordyceps lands on my head, the first thing I do is scream! Get off me! Alright. I guess the shaking might...
Help? Oh, and I got the little legs trying to bat at it? Yeah. Can ants scream? Oh, we can't. Bob, you think this is good action? I don't want to set that bar too high. I know what I do in these kind of games. laughter
Scream! Ah! Damn it. Didn't make it. Got an 11. You get infected. You rise up high and your head explodes. Bob, remember, you have to recite everything he just said. Sure. Great. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that part. I'm an ant. I'm out gathering food for the colony and a cordyceps lands on my head. And I... Scream! Ah! That doesn't do anything. And I remember that...
fungus goes on pizza.
Ah, that's the stupidest thing I've ever thought in my life. Hang on. Too late. No, no, no. So I go to the old piece of pizza that's laying next to the ant hill, and I just roll around in the pizza, try to get the fungus off of me. That might work. It's greasy and cheesy, and there's tomato sauce, and I don't know. I'll give you that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. So that's another point. See, there's plus two now. I gotta actually remember this, so. And, uh, oh!
So close. You got a 17 plus two is a 19. No, you were right there. Ah, almost got it with the pizza, but it was dry old crusty pizza. Dust didn't come off. Your head explodes. I love the pizza idea. All right. Yeah, it's a good idea. It's a good idea. You're right. Wade.
There I am, an ant, gathering food for the colony, got hive mentality. Cordyceps dust lands on my head. Ah! Still there. What do I think? Fungus! Fungus goes on pizza! I go, I find a piece of pizza. I'm rolling around, hoping the cheese will yank the fungus off, but it doesn't. Luckily for me, the cheese sticks to my head, so I go into the colony, hoping the other ants will eat it off.
Your head? Or... The cordyceps covered in cheese. Wouldn't that just infect the whole colony? If it doesn't work...
hey if you can't beat them infect everyone else that's what i always say i don't know if i could give that one a bonus point in fact i kind of want to subtract a survival point here i feel like you disguising the spore with your cheese hat and trying to like go back into the colony this is about my survival not the colony you didn't say which side we were on uh i don't think i'm
bonus point for that unless bob thinks otherwise it's about saving us the ant bob i think you're probably right mark i don't know all right it's still it i mean even if you even if somehow that saves you if you destroy your entire colony now you survive that as an ant if if they eat it off and kill it i'm fine how would they kill it by eating it that's how they would get infected uh digestion did so did we lose a point for that or i won't deduct a point but i'm not giving you one
Fuck, Nat 20. Holy shit. That's right, bitches! Good lord. Destiny herself has spoken on my behalf. Not even joking, it's Nat 20. I can share my screen. Doubt you would lie about that. It is just straight up Nat 20 somehow going into the colony and having them eat the cheese. It saved you for sure. I don't think the rest of the colony survives, though.
I call that not my problem. Alright, well that was a great matchup. A short, but not bad. Alright, Bob, you're gonna go first. Alright. You find yourself in some tight, enclosed space as your consciousness awakens. You're cramped. You're trapped. You need to be free, so you...
poke with your tiny little sort of beak out and then you put your flippers all kind of There's a bright light behind you and then there's kind of a moon shaped thing over where you kind of hear a little bit of water. Also birds are around and everything is terrible and there's cars rushing by on the road that just so happens to be nearby.
You are a baby sea turtle that just hatched and you got to get to the ocean. Everything's killing you. The light, the road, the cars, the predators, everything is out to get you.
How would you win? Am I fully out of the egg or am I just erupting from the egg? Let's say you're half out. Your upper half is out. Because obviously the first step is get myself fully out of the egg, get all the egg goop off of me and aim towards the water sound. Okay. All right. You try that. That's a plus one for sure. Nope. Nope.
You get 13, plus one is 14, you get swooped up by a seagull, instantly dead. All right, Wade. I open my eyes, I see the light. I get myself the rest of the way out of the egg. I hear the water. I start to go that way and I realize I need to stealth. I dip my head back in the egg, get a little bit of goop to put some stealth paint on my face, and then I make my way in. Sure, plus one, I'll take it.
Did that work? Nope. 12 plus 2, 14. The time you took to put it on your face, another seagull just swooped up right behind you. Man, if only we were old enough to have established brains. Nope. Bob. I erupt out of the egg. I take my time. I get myself all out of the egg. I hear the ocean sounds and I look that way and I start walking and I realize I need to be disguised. So I go back to my egg and I camouflage my face with egg.
goop for some reason and I realize going towards the water is what they want me to do.
So I go the opposite direction from where I hear the ocean noises as fast as I can. I don't know if that's been in my science class. I've learned that that might be bad, but I like where you're going with it. I'm a maverick. All the other sea turtles are sprinting towards the ocean and they're still dying. Clearly. I'll give you a plus one on that. I'll give you, I'll give it to you. Did it work?
Two plus three. That's not great. Here's a five. It turns out going the wrong way. Not great. Dead. Crushed by a car instantly. Smooshed. Wade. I hatch out of the egg. I am alive and I hear the water. So I start making my way toward it before I realize I should probably have a disguise.
dunk my face back in the egg to stealth up. And I think to myself, all the other idiots are going that way. What if I think outside the shell? I turn around, I start going the other way and I find this weird, stinky white, kind of gray pile. And I flip over and roll in it thinking if I cover myself in bird shit, no one will want to eat me. My face is covered in goo, my shell's covered in shit. I will survive. All right, I'll give it to you. Plus four.
14 plus 4 is 18. Close, but not quite. A lot of delaying does not seem to be helping you. Delaying what? I'm already going the wrong way, man. Alright, fair enough. Bob. I
I am born. I come out of the egg. I get all the shell off of me. I start towards the water sound. I realize I need a disguise. I go back to the egg. I dip my face in the egg. I get the disguise. I decide I'm going to be a maverick. Everyone else is going towards the water. I go away from the water. I come across a mysterious pile of white stuff. I suddenly realize it's bird shit. Obviously, I need to roll around in that. So I do.
My shell is now very, very slippery. I look to my right and there is a steep hill down into a small stream of rushing water. It's an estuary connecting the inland oceanic waters to the beach, rushing out towards the ocean. And I just, and I try and like slide down the hill into the water to escape. All right. Yeah. Plus one. I'll give that to you. Did it work?
18 plus 5 23 the estuary I don't think estuary is the right word no you're absolutely right a partially enclosed body of water where rivers meet the ocean mixing fresh water with salt water oh alright Bob is a maverick turtle congratulations Bob you made it into the ocean there's more threats in the ocean but you made it to the ocean nah I'm fine once you're in the ocean safe nah I'd win nah I'd live alright Wade
You're feeling a little something. A little something something. A little something something something. You look across the leaf here on and you see the most beautiful lady praying mantis you've ever seen in your life.
You, my friend, are getting lucky tonight! Nothing bad ever happens to a praying mantis when that happens, except it bites your head off. For those who don't know, when male praying mantises mate with the female, they then get their head eaten by the female. But not you! Wade, how would you win in this scenario? I show up to my date with this female praying mantis and I am ready to go.
I uh broke my neck so I'm wearing a nice little wooden neck brace so that way when we get done the only thing I have on is exactly the protection I need uh huh god I hope that's a nat 20 I love the prep time I really like it that's great alright did it work? fucking hell holy shit
What the fuck? What the fuck? No. What the fuck? Great scenario, Mark. Holy shit. All right, Wade got a nat 20 if people didn't guess from that. Holy shit. Hey, praying mantis is out there. All you gotta do is fake a neck injury. You'll stick around longer. Wow.
The wooden condom really did you right. Hey, protection is always the answer, everyone. Bob, you didn't even get a chance to get laid. That means I survived. I don't know. That's true. Man, I'm burning through my scenarios right now.
All right. So here we go. It's okay. Well, I need to catch one good one for it to take the entire rest of the episode. All right, Bob. It's night. It's dark. Can't see a thing. You're just minding your own business. What? What is that? There's some kind of weird bright blue light over there.
it's so captivating and it's got this weird buzz to it but that just makes it more appealing you being a moth it will it's only until you get close enough that you realize you're on a collision course with a bug zapper now in this scenario not only you're you can't just fly away you gotta stop this bug zapper so that none of them none of your people ever because they
Because as you get closer, you witness one after another after another of your friends, family, brothers, sisters, even some people that you work out of the same moth office with that you don't really like. They get burnt to a crisp right before your eyes. You need to stop this. It's up to you and you alone. Okay. I'm...
I'm a moth. I see the bug zapper. I'm drawn to it. I'm on a collision course with it in a last-ditch effort to break the trance it has over me and save myself so I can continue to fight this fight. I wrap my wings around myself and hug my ass goodbye, but in doing so, I cover my own eyes and break the trance the thing, the blue light has over me. All right, that's good. That's good. I'll give you a point for that. All right, did it work?
24. Oh, come on. You aerodynamically fold your wings in so that you actually increase your speed and you kind of like meteor straight into the, like right between the wires, straight into the actual light itself, the most electrified area. At least it's quick.
No luck there. Wade? The light, it's so beautiful. I can't look away. I fly toward the bug zapper. Then at the last possible moment, I realize I need to cover my eyes. I fold my wings in over myself and begin to plummet. I plummet and plummet and plummet. And then, oh no, I'm going to splat. Oh, I'm fine. Because I'm so light. I didn't do anything useful there. I just fell. Oh.
All right, no points for that, but yeah, you're right. Was that helpful? No. I just really wanted to land, you know? Come on, Twink! You land, the bug zapper explodes for no apparent reason. Scenario over. All right. I'm going to share my screen preemptively so that we just know if this does happen. Oh, no.
So close there. It's an 11. Damn it. Plus one because you didn't get a bonus point. Put you at 12. I can't believe hitting the ground wasn't a bonus point. Turns out the bug zapper, it detached at that moment, crashed down right on top of you.
THE ODDS! Bob, it falling is not in your reality, that's just for his reality. Okay, no, I got it, I got it, I got it. I am flap-flap-flapping, and oh, the blue light is so beautiful, and I start flying towards it. At the last moment, I realize I need to close my eyes, I need to break the line of sight, and I wrap my wings around myself, and I just barely miss the bottom edge of the bug zapper, and I plummet, and I plummet, and then I realize, oh fuck, I'm falling! And I put and land delicately, and I've landed delicately.
on the fly rank of Gary the Night Watchman who sits beneath the bug zapper. It's there to protect him from bugs.
Dude, I get to keep going. This is kind of a long step. I have a couple more things I was hoping to accomplish. I don't want to overdo it. I don't know. I wanted to accomplish more than Fallen, too, man. I have gotten his attention. All right, cool. He knows I'm there. That's fair. All right, I think this could work in your favor. I'm going to give you one because I think I know where this is going, so there's two points right now. Oh!
17. Oh, so close. If only I'd earned a point for you. Yeah, imagine if you'd done anything at all.
Aside from describing what I did in slightly more detail. I think it's a strategy. He's really playing the smart game. The third episode, we know how to really play it. But no, that did not work. But you did grab his attention. He ended up just... Yeah, I was afraid of that. Did you fly to his head or did you land on his head? That's the thing we landed on after plummeting. Okay.
All right, wait. The light is so beautiful. I fly toward it. I can't help myself until the last possible second. I close my wings around my face, blocking the light, and I fall, I fall, I plummet until I land on the fly rink of one Gary.
Gary, feeling something on his head, immediately goes to reach up and swat at it. But I'm right below the bug zapper. What if he hits it? What if he knocks it off? What if? What if? What are you doing about it? Watching Gary swing? Ha!
Not actually technically doing anything. Fuck! Man, Wade really likes not doing anything this round. I'm rubbing his head to add extra itchiness. Wade's entire action can be described as...
Very moth-like, very good. Man, I really went downhill from that nat 20. Let's see if it worked. If that fucking works. Nah, it did not work. 14 plus 2, 16. Again, he notices his hand as you watch it. You're like, oh, wow, he might hit it. Wow, that's getting closer. Huh, that's really... Bob, I'll do...
I got this, man. I'm gonna lock in. If it's not a bit or a strategy you're doing on purpose, it's very impressive. Thank you. I'm locking in. I'm locking in. All
Alright, he's locked in. Alright, Bob. Alright, I'm mothing around. Oh, the light is so beautiful. I fly straight towards it until the last possible moment when I cover my eyes with my wings and I start to dive and I just missed the bug zapper and I dive straight down, landing on the fly rink of one Gary. Gary notices me land on his fly rink and I do something.
I'll tell you what in a second. I just want to make it clear. I'm doing a thing. I'm not just standing there waiting to see. Gary starts to swat at me and I do that thing that moths do where I start flying, but I start flying right into his forehead in the same spot repeatedly, even though I could clearly fly in any other direction. But my goal is to get him to start swatting wildly and hope that he knocks off the bug zapper and destroys it. And I did something that time.
All right, this is great. You're dodging, you're weaving multiple slaps. Let's see if that goes well for you. Get a bonus point. It's plus three now. Ha! 18. Oh, God. Wait, wait. No, that's good. Yeah, plus three. Yeah, you did it. Yes. Congratulations, Bob. You actually did something. Doing something worse. And by doing something, he flailed twice, three times, and on the fourth hit.
His hand connects with the bug zapper. He gets electrocuted right as you just so happen to leap off of his forehead, so you don't also get. You see his skeleton light up. My family! My kids! No! But then, boom! Him and the whole thing just explode. Your moth brethren saved forever. I fly away like the guy from CSI Miami, and I don't even look back at the cool explosion. That's incredible.
And then they play that Who song. What?
I won't give up again! Yeah, that one. I see, I see. Don't copyright strike that, I know it's really good. I really want to say, I want to thank Bob for, uh... Doing anything? Carrying a little bit that round. My contributions, I think, aided in your creativity. You're welcome. Sure. But my actions, I think, speak for themselves. We'll see how this next round goes for you. I'm curious and excited. Ah, nat 20. Okay, wait. What?
Once again, we're visiting bug land. All right. Channel your inner bug. I was a great mantis. Great mantis. We have done a fly matchup before. You are actually the same fly that killed that frog. The fly who lived. Got a little lightning bolt. Oh yeah, that's true. You got a lightning bolt. Remember that detail. It's very important. All right.
You're actually distant cousins with the moth who lived also. So legends, you know, a lineage of legends here. And on your victory lap, you notice, oh,
There's such a sweet, delectable scent in the air. Hmm. It's down there from that plant. It's so open and ready for me. And it smells so succulent and sweet. You deserve a tasty, delicious treat while you are doing your victory lap. You land on it. So you're already on it when you realize you're in a Venus flytrap.
Quite the scenario I'm in. I am the fly who lived. I have the scar on my forehead to show it. My cousin moth has tried to one-up me, but I know that the legend of me will be larger than any moth. So I knew what I was flying toward. I knew what was in this area, the Venus flytrap. I flew down. I landed on it. I have to say all this. My bad.
I was just telling a story. Don't worry, there's an action coming. This is why I set up the scenario so you didn't have to say it again.
But it's part of it, alright! I was just sitting here like, uh-huh, keep that one, uh-huh, uh-huh, he's gonna do something, right? Uh-huh, the fly lift, sorry, I didn't mean to cut off on your very extensive speech, go on. I land on the Venus flytrap, but I've got my fly boots on, so I can get up.
Huh? What? I have my fly boots on. I slip them off and get ready. Like you land and your boots stick and you slip your feet out of your boots and the boots stay behind? Because this wasn't a trap for me. This was a trap for it. What, do the boots have explosives in them? How is that a trap? I don't know. It's up to you, man. I took the boots off. Oh, okay. All right, here we go. I'll give you one, sure.
There's no way. No. I swear to fucking God, Wade. No! What in the fuck is wrong? I mean, Bob, you're saved from having to recite all that bullshit. How in the world... How... How in the fuck...
How in the fuck? I want to tell you, I play D&D every Wednesday on Lost Initiative. I have never had more than two 20s in a session, I don't think. Three out of like five scenarios? My character's going to die next session because of this luck today. I don't know, man. It was such... Oh, the setup. I like these scenarios, man. What the... I don't want to win like this. I want Bob to do
Well, he was the fly who lived. So I guess, you know, all right. Sure. Died to my boots. Choked on your boots and died. I guess your objective wasn't to kill the plant. It was just to survive. No, I wanted to kill the plant. I was with you. Wait, I was also working on a way to kill the plant. That would have been fine. I would accept. We would love to see that one. All right, fine. Whatever. I didn't.
roll the dice man maybe roll worse on my behalf asshole i have one more i have one more i have a strategy wade i think it's gonna keep us in this one for a while i'm gonna do stuff good and monologue less okay
All right, okay. Bob, you're Bob. Okay. Just Bob. Bob is out on the top of a hill in the middle of a park. Lovely, beautiful day. Sun is shining. Birds are mysteriously silent. There's a strange air rushing kind of down. That's odd.
It's getting brighter too. That's even stranger. You look up and you see what looks to be like a second sun that's getting really big, really fast. Oh shit! It's a meteor and it's heading directly towards you. You're on top of a hill in the middle of a park. Meteor's coming down on you. How do you do this? All right, I have a strategy. Everyone just needs to come along with me. I'm trying to make this scenario play out for as long as possible.
Okay. That's how Mark the Roll works, man. I look up, realize what's happening. The meteor is coming. I say a little prayer and thank you to the universe for offering me this opportunity. I strip off all my clothes and assume the position that puts my anus aimed right up at the meteor, fully exposed.
And I get the most glorious butthole son I've ever gotten in my life because I'm going to need all the strength I can gather for what comes next. You think if Superman sunned his butthole, he would get even more power from the sun? Dude, can you imagine? I can't. That's why he wears a stand next to him. I don't know if that was obvious enough, but my strategy is to get negative points so that we can't literally can't win it offensively.
Off the bat. You definitely don't get a point. I'm not sure if it gives you negative because... I basically surrendered to the meteor. Well, what if the meteor has like super empowering rays? It probably doesn't. What if it's a horny meteor and you just turn it on? So a smaller point makes contact with the planet. Yeah, that's just going to come faster. All right. You want to lose a point, you lose a point. Minus one. Boo. Good.
All right, here we go. I'm sharing my screen for the roll again because if it's just a 20 again. But I got a minus one. Oh, you're right. There's no way to win. You are totally right. There's no way this wins it. Ha! Ha ha ha!
A zero bomb! A nat one! Oh, okay, sick. A mythical zero. I can't believe that. That's the dumbest fucking... Oh my god. Great comedic timing on these dice, I gotta say. Yeah, it turns on the meteor. It's a sentient meteor.
Kind of like that in Guardians of the Galaxy, the planet was alive, this meteor's alive, and boy howdy, is it aroused, it actually gets erect, so it gets longer and harder, and just entirely direct hit on your butthole, obliterating you and the planet. But more importantly, you. I'm picturing some beautiful fan art of this. Well, it's not me, it's just Bob. No, no, not you, just Bob. Yeah.
Wade, um, now you're also on the hill. I'm on the hill, I look up to the night sky, see the meteor. Night sky? It's definitely daytime, but go ahead. Oh, it looks so dark where the meteor is. I said it was getting brighter and there- it's like there are two suns, but... It's so bright. I take off my sunglasses and remember I had them on. I get on the hill, it's so fucking bright. I say a little prayer, I strip down butt naked.
I assume the position. I aim my butthole at the double sun, hoping to get my butthole tan. All the while, I've got my can of beans, and I begin feasting, preparing for what comes next. The old Futurama defense, I see. Never seen it. It's not exactly the same, but there's an episode of Futurama where all the robots fart in the same direction to push the planet further from the sun to prevent global warming. It's like The Simpsons. It's like Futurama did it first.
I mean, it's not the same situation, but yeah, it's similar. It's similar. All right. I'll give you plus one now. It's actually possible to win.
No! Wait, no, it's fine. I forgot. I forgot. It was a 19, but it's actually plus zero. Oh, okay. So that's still a 19. My strategy saved us. Holy shit. I thought he... Okay, we're good. We're good. I didn't want to win like this. The beans didn't work. God damn it. All right. So no, it didn't work. You eat beans, but your digestion, because you're upside down, is slower. It doesn't go down. So no gas. Bam.
- Bam, still aroused. Boom. - All right, so Bob's due to roll a two next. - All right, I'm on the hill wearing my very, very dark sunglasses.
I look up and I see a black hole coming? Wait, I take my sunglasses off. Oh, it's so bright! Oh, God! I put on my normal sunglasses so I can see, but I can tell that it's light outside. I say a little prayer when I realize it's a meteor coming right at me. And then I strip off all my clothes and get into the position and aim my butthole up at the sun. And then I start eating my can of beans. I call them my celebration beans. And when I'm done eating the beans, I remember my friend Mark...
is a little bit of a conspiracy theorist and a little bit of a prepper, and maybe he's got a solution for this problem. So while I'm still getting some great butthole, son, I call Mark and I say, Mark, Meteor, launch it! Just to see if he has anything queued up for this. I love it. That's great. Okay, let's launch this dice.
15. Did I gain a point for that? You did, yeah. It's plus one now. Total of plus one. 16. Ah, he does know what you're saying, and I am prepped, and I'm grambling for it, but I don't make it in time. You're just shouting, launch it! Now, now! And I'm like, I can't find the key. Ah, shit. I always misplace that shit. Mark's swimming through a room full of servers and 3D printers, just like, where's the 3D printer?
Oh, the goddamn launch. Oh, no. He's got his Russia prep, his aliens prep, his moon man prep. Where's the meteor prep, damn it? All right. But it doesn't work. Plows into your butthole once again. Just annihilated. Annihilated your butthole. And also the planet.
Wade? I'm on the hill. It's very dark. I realize I've got my dark sunglasses on. I look up. A black hole! Wait, nope. Swap sunglasses to my normal ones. It's actually very fucking bright. I say a little prayer, knowing now it's a meteor coming to destroy us all. I strip down. I bend over. I assume the position. I start eating my beans. While eating my beans, I realize, Mark! I call him up. Mark! I'm eating my beans. Mark! Mark!
Watch it! Nothing happens immediately. So I keep... You're going back to the fart? You're trying fart part two? I've been eating beans. I'm still eating beans. I ripped one! He's really sticking to his guns. I feel like we're wandering dangerously close back to Wade's not doing anything again. I think...
Look, man, you didn't say they're... I heard they were celebration beans. I have not heard anything about these being magical beans, super powerful government beans. No, they're just beans. Oh, I'm a meteor prepper too. These bowels have been preparing for years on my diet of chicken wings and beans. Man, I wish you'd have said that.
in your action. I'm not giving you a point for a fart. I don't need one. Watch this. It's gonna do it. I think we all know it's gonna be a nat 20 again. Ha! One. How appropriate. Alright, so plus one means two. You rip one, you poop a little. So then it slams right into you.
Damn it, old age. All right, Bob, you're up. All right, I'm on the hill wearing my stupid sunglasses. I look up, black hole, switch sunglasses. Oh no, meteor. I say a prayer. I get naked. I assume the position and aim my butthole up at the sun. Never felt better than Celebration Beans.
I started eating my celebration beans, I started my face and I realized my friend Mark, Peter Pepper, you know what I mean, I called Mark and I was like, what? Meteor? Lawsuit? Well, I'm like, oh wait, what's that going to do to me? Well, T-U-V's, and I thought, I thought I was so fooled a bit. I'm like, wait a minute, I have the president's number. So I called the White House.
And I say, hey, guys, there's a meteor coming. Do we have anything for this? Well, I hope that the White House has something to save us. I thought you said Wade's house. You said the White House in your mouth was cool. Yeah, White House. I have the White House. I have the president's number. Oh, I understood everything perfectly. Everything. And everyone at home did also. Jesus Christ. Plus one point. Hey!
You got plus two. That's 11. Not quite. Not bad. They also are like, oh, where did I put those keys? Swimming through all their documents in their bathrooms and throw open the curtain to the Declaration of Independence. Is it here? No. Close it up again.
Nope. Turns out they accidentally fired the only three people in the government that know how that system works and they can't get them back. You're right. Yep. All right, Wade. All right. I'm on the hill. I'm wearing these really dark sunglasses. There's a black hole. Oh, wait. Wrong sunglasses. I swapped them over. Medium.
I bend over. I assume the position after saying a prayer, of course. Very important. Stripped down, fully nude. I'm sitting there eating my baked beans, waiting. And I realize... Wait! I know a guy who can help me with this! Mark! Mark's a prepper! Let me get my phone out! So I get my phone. I dial 1-1. I bring the... Mark! No! No! No! No!
I didn't do that. I got this.
I need A.J. Frost on the line. What? Who's A.J. Frost? Ah, played by Ben Affleck in the hit movie Armageddon where they took out a meteor. So I call Ben Affleck and say, you gotta fix this just like last time. Oh, I farted at one point too.
Peanut butter is really bad for me. Are you eating peanut butter? Yeah. Oh, God. It was really sticking in there. A.J. Frost, was that his name? Oh, yeah. That's a character played by Ben Affleck. Everybody knows that character's name. I'll give you a plus one for sure. For sure. Fuck, we shouldn't have asked for this, guys. It was a five. Only three. So, eight. Shit, we're going to be here forever.
Alright, can we agree to stop the food bit now? Nope. Oh, fuck! It's just, you just have to speed up, you have to speed it up, you just have to get through it. Alright, back to me? Yep. I'm on the hill. Boy, it's dark. Switch the sunglasses. A meteor! Say a prayer, get naked, butthole sun. Feeling great. Celebration beans.
"Oh wait, you know what? My friend Mark, he's kind of crazy. I called Mark, I'm like, 'Mark! Come here! What's up?'" And he's like, "Oh, nothing happens. I keep it."
I keep eating beans. And I fart and I poop on myself a little bit. I'm like, wait, the White House. I call the White House. I'm like, hey, Mr. President. We're getting here. We're getting here. We're getting here. Nothing happens. I'm like, wait a minute. Everything's lost. The government told me that way.
Ha! Ha!
I'll give you a point. Oh, I hope this gets it for you guys's sake. Please. Yeah, you started this. 14 plus four. So close.
I feel like I should stop this because I worry about you guys choking. It's going to get close. I didn't choke. I just have a really weak gag reflex. It just got me a little bit. Tickled the roof of my mouth. I'm fine. Gotcha. All right, Wade. I'm on a hill. I'm wearing my dark sunglasses. I look up. Black hole!
No, wait. Swap sunglasses. Ah, meteor. Meteor! I say a little prayer. I strip down, buck naked, bend over, aim my ass at the sun, knowing at least this will get some good back, black butthole sunning. That's the phrase. I start eating my beans. And then I realize...
Hey, Mark's the prepper. Rest of the bar is a call. Call Mark. Hey, Meteor, watch it. Mark watches, completely missed this. I'm still eating beans. I let one rip. Ah, just a little poo coming out. Call White House. Hey, Mr. President. Meteor, you better do something. White House, they've heard the lesson. Doesn't know what happened. I'm like, okay. I better call A.J. Frost. Mr. Frost, we need you. I'm the president. I'm your third athlete. What?
Cheap song. He said cheap song.
He flies up in the in the struttle gets out with the chainsaw and it's gonna chainsaw it in half right is that the idea? Yeah, okay cool. I didn't hear a thing from shuttle to chainsaw, but all right No, I was with him. I got I got that one. I got that one I'll give you one is right plus five please six fuck 11
Back to you in the studio, Bob. All right. I'm on the hill. Dark sunglasses. Meteor. Prayer. Naked. Butthole. Beans time. Eating the beans. Beans don't work. Oh, Mark. Mark, meteor. Oh, nothing happened. Oh, White House. A meteor. Nothing happened. Oh, AJ Frost. A meteor. Oh, Vin Affleck. Run down the hill. Get his face off. Woo.
*Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morvins* *Morv
anything oh my god how did i just get spit on my glasses what is happening does that count as a plus one now or is it still a plus zero i'm i'm giving him a plus one because he's right up against it's gotta do something right right in the chainsaw hole and i've eaten so many beans at that point we really have oh man no not like this it's a 13 you're at plus six no i gotta go back to the
- Peanut butter, no! - You don't have to do it, you can stop doing the bit. - You did it, yo, so I can't. - Wait as fast as you possibly can. Wait as fast as you possibly can. - Shorten it, shorten it, condense, let's go. - I'm on the hill wearing the dark sunglasses. Black hole, no, switch sunglasses, it's light. Ah, a meteor! So I grab my bean, oh no, I say a prayer. I strip down, assume the position.
I'm not eating my bean.
I'm so sorry.
How much have you eaten in the last ten minutes? I had two full packs and this is all it's worth.
Mark comes through! This sounds fake. I rolled it. It was a 13 before. It rolled and did a 13 again. And with plus seven, you do it. I found it. I launched my prepper missile. I blasted out of the sky. You jumped and the beans finally kicked in. You farted to slow your descent back to Earth. You lived.
All right, that's it. It's done. I'm going to give you the meteor point, but holy shit, I almost died. You almost died. We almost died. Bob, what were you putting in your mouth this whole time? I have sugar-free Jolly Ranchers. I had a whole bag of them. I ended up putting all of these into my mouth all at once at the last one there. But you spat them out as soon as they were in the wrapper. Yeah, I kept putting them in and spitting them out, except for I have one in, but now they're all just wet. Yeah.
I hate mine. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that. All right, well done, guys. We got what we asked for, which is that last one lasted longer than all the other ones combined, I think.
but it went places that I am. So I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. This is truly one where the listeners win, because if you watch Bob and I was all that shit spewing out of our mouths, it wasn't pleasant. All right. I'm going to add onto the wheel. I think drooled the most is a great addition to the wheel. I did drool. Did you drool a lot? No, I think you drooled more. I spat out more chunks of food. Yeah, but they were dry. See if it comes up. The,
The amount of cookie and peanut butter absorbing my saliva, my mouth felt like the Sahara, man. I do think you definitely ate more than I did, so you got that going for you. Because I only actually ate one of these. The rest of them, I'm just sitting on my desk in a wet pile.
Yeah, if it lands on Drool, I'll give that to you because you had all the wrappers and like saliva-inducing candy. That's the most damage I've done to my microphone in a single activity in a long time. I'm going to be finding chunks of Thin Mint and Do-Si-Do, wherever the hell these things are called, for weeks to come. I think it'll be worth it. Wade, I'll read your points first. You got a birthday point. Happy birthday. Thank you. You won the ant thing by infecting everyone. You wore a wooden condom to save yourself from being...
Eden, by your mate. Both of those nat 20s. You got the fly who lived. Again, nat 20 king here. I gave you a point for it's very dark. It's very bright. AJ Frost and then the meteor point. Bob, you worked your wood. I wrote this down as Wilhelm Mike because I just imagined as it fell it did the Wilhelm scream. Post-Oth, Maverick Turtle, Legendary Moth, Slayer of the...
What the fuck?
Slayer of the Zorbo-den-land. Forgotten land? Forbidden lamp! Slayer of the forbidden lamp. That was it. You got a point for it. Launch it! You got a point for it. Is that a black hole? That made me laugh really hard. Okay. Three-sided die for how many spins of the wheel? Just one. That does not look very good for me at all. I think Wade has a commanding lead. Nope. Actually, it is tied.
Seven to seven. I'll have them saved from myself. Bob, can you pull up the wheel and add? Oh, that's right. That's my job. Spin it once. This once.
Said fuck the most? Oh no. I have no idea. No, I don't either. Oh, that's tough. We both said it some. Yeah. Mark, you're the ruler on this. I would say either respit or if you have a guess as to who said it the most, because I genuinely do not know. I have no idea. Ugh.
I've been choking on cookie for so long. I don't remember what happened prior. I feel like this game in particular is difficult to call this one because you have to repeat what the others said. We said a lot of the same stuff. Yeah, exactly. I feel like we should re-spin just because this would come down to a coin toss. And that's not what this is about. This is about earning those points. This is about fairness. Yeah. No. Oh.
Well, if you're the tallest. Yeah, we decided that between me and Wade, Wade is the shortest, right? Yeah, by like a fraction of an inch. I still feel like that's not, like we're basically the same height, but we did decide that previously, I guess. I do agree we're basically the same height, but... But... Post-discretion. Post-discretion.
With that, and Wade being fractionally shorter but still freakishly tall, Wade with eight points and the most nat 20s of anything I've ever seen is the winner! Thank you. Oh.
Speech time? Bob, talk about your loss first. I feel like I worked really hard today. I feel like Wade has spent a lot of time actually doing nothing, actually contributing nothing, and somehow still was rewarded repeatedly for those decisions. But you know what? We built this constitutional republic to be fair and just, and I am in no position to say it is anything but. So fair is fair. Good job, Wade. All right, Wade.
Winner speech. It was a good episode. It was a very fair and fun episode. The dice spoke. The dice said what deserved to be. And I would argue that of all the inaction everyone's claiming I did, inaction in and of itself is an action. Choosing to do nothing is still choosing to do. But it was fun. I don't think I'll ever have that much luck with 20s again, but I hope I do. Because that was funny and wild and crazy. And also, if you're ever going to escalate a bit, don't escalate one where you're putting something in you. Probably in any orifice.
All right, you heard it here first. Take that trolley problem. Doing nothing, still doing something. He answered it forever. Thank you everybody so much for listening in or watching this episode. Hope you enjoyed it. I sure did. At points there, I couldn't even breathe. So well done, guys. Thank you for taking my experimental idea that didn't come through and man, knocking it out of the park.
Be sure to follow the podcast for more of this. Let me know what you thought of this episode on the subreddit, reddit.com slash r slash distractible. One of the highest podcast subreddits out there. Think? Probably. Top 50. It's top 1% by size, but who the hell knows what that actually means. Size matters. Size does matter. So go check it out. Merch never. Stop asking. Follow these guys.
Mania777, Micegroom, Marker Black. Podcast out.