Nah, I'd Win (Part 4)
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This episode...

Yes! It's time for Nah, I'd Win Part 4. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm finally today's host again. Wait, joined by my cohorts, Bob and Mark. Hello. Nice to be here. Thanks for having me. My fun, cool tabs are gone. All my porn. My porn. My points list. My points list. I'm ready to go. I don't even know why you do that. Your handwriting's unreadable anyway. Okay.

I'm doing it because I'm required by law. You are required by law, but I feel like the law implies that also if you can't read it, it doesn't really make a difference if you did it or not. I'm not going to hold you to that. I just feel like you're violating the spirit of the law. Well, you're violating the spirit of the spirit by saying that my bad handwriting means I should automatically be ineligible from hosting. I mean, I don't know if that's what he said, but... I shouldn't even be on the podcast with my handwriting so bad? Well, I mean...

Maybe just work on your handwriting a little bit. Can you imagine if the Constitution was written all equestrian, sequestration, I don't know. Yeah, they didn't have Siri to write it for them like I do. Why in God's name do we think the second most important thing was a flight of gear rams? Flight of what? Because it's the right to bear arms. It's the way it's handwriting. Oh.

But how is things? How are? Wouldn't you like to know? It's why I asked. I'm standing up. Look at me. Look at me. I know. I could tell because you were a little bit quieter because I feel like you're slightly further from your mic when you stand up. Oh, wow. Look at the move. I

I could still hear you because it's wireless. I can hear you from everywhere. I tried to do the wireless, but the problem is with most of the wireless headphones that are Bluetooth based, there's like a slight delay. And then I got that pair of headphones that was like music rehearsal headphones.

But the problem was it was like this crackle in the sound. It wasn't perfect. And so I still don't, it still blows my mind that we can have wireless, like VR streamed perfectly to the headset, 90 to 120 frames per second, no noticeable lag. And it's calculating all this about my environment, but getting audio to go from there to here is,

with no lag is impossible, apparently. Just too difficult. And I know that audio is just like, oh, so much data. But compared to video,

Honestly, I don't have any issue with these at all. They're not Bluetooth. They have a dongle, and the dongle's right over there. What is it? What is it? What is it? It's their Logitech. It's their light speed, 5 gigahertz wireless thing. They never drop. I've worn these around my entire basement. I can hear my computer upstairs if I keep them on and go upstairs and do something. But the

the delay and everything is not noticeable unless you're literally doing frame by frame editing and trying to like design sound which is a thing that you i know that you do so i don't do that very much so it works for me plus i can do this oh he's doing it again he's showing off look how big my office is this is only half of it see way this is your fault because you wanted to hear how i was doing and look look what's happened

He's doing great. He's doing better than both of us combined. But Mark, here's, hear me out. Figure out, calculate the time of the delay between your audio where it should be, and then just set that as the delay for the video and they'll be synced. You're, you're actually really onto something. That is probably the way to do that. They call that the guitar hero solution. But then everything, if I press play, there's that little bit of like dunk and then it goes, you know,

That doesn't feel as... And Mark's super computer-like brain registers those 250 milliseconds of pause and he's all, oh, I thought my computer broke again. All right. I thought I died and slipped between the universes. But look, it's noticeable and I'm willing to bet that there are other solutions. I've only bought

And usually when I try to find a solution to something, I buy five things at once. But in this one case, I was like, these headphones are expensive. I don't want to buy more than one.

I mean, honestly, there's a reason that professionals who do editing stuff don't use wireless headphones. Like, I'm sure some do, but if you're really literally doing frame-by-frame because you're trying to play specific sound effects and you're doing that kind of stuff, it's not that much of a hardship to just be plugged in and have perfect, crisp, no-delay audio. That's why I wear wired. Yeah.

I feel like yours would never be charged, so you would have a wireless headset, but it would also always be plugged in to power because you'd just leave it on 24-7 and let the batteries die otherwise. That also sounds right. There is one here that suggests that there's a new one that just came out recently from a company called...

Is that how it's pronounced? That's the name of the company. I'm not joking. Not exaggerating. It's like a Tim Cook Apple keynote and the guy comes out like, you guys are going to really love this new product.

The engineers at I have spent a lot of time refining this. It is perfection. I swear to God, go to Google and type in what you think I'm saying for the company of and tell me that's not the name of the company.

Oh. No, yeah, that's the name of the company. Maybe it's just triple AI headphones. Maybe that's the thing. AI is what makes them so good at low latency. Maybe they're big fans of Happy Days. It's like Fonzie. A, A, A, audio.

Yeah, sure. Is happy days a timely reference? I'm more of a mash guy myself. Were those on TV around the same time? I have no concept. They're just both old shows to me. I feel like happy days was a little bit older, but maybe they were close. I don't know. I have no idea. Is mash your small talk? Uh,

Uh, probably not. Okay. Anyway, I'll try these. If they're bad, I'm going to bash them right on the, I haven't bought. These are still the second or third iteration of the same headphones that I've had forever. These Sennheisers, but I mean, they last forever. Actually, wait, no, I'm,

Am I crazy? But when you're... When you got video and you got those little lavalier microphones that are wireless, those are... Unless they all have delay in them and it's just like it's only noticeable. It's got like a broadcast delay, but I would imagine there's also a synchronization that happens in there when you like...

I don't know, is Remux the right word? When the file is combi-nulated? Granulation. That's it. I'm trying an experiment, and everyone on the subreddit can tell me why this won't work, but I'm trying it anyway.

I've become a prepper, by which I mean we have some really basic supplies in case of tornadoes, basically, because we've been getting tornado warnings and stuff. And I forgot you want to have a couple things on hand. One of the things I got is a weather radio that has the hand crank to charge it, but also has a little solar panel on top. And I was like, well, it'd be really nice if I could just leave that somewhere where it gets a little trickle of the solar charge, but not a full blast all the time.

And we have, it's in the basement. We have those basement windows, right? Where they're the tiny little ones up high and they get a little bit of sunlight in them. I set that weather radio up on the ledge facing one of those windows. And I just want to see if it charges the batteries through the solar panel or not. I,

I don't know if that's going to work because like there's a plastic cover over and then it's a deep well outside into the window area and then it's through the window down onto the thing. I feel like it there's I can see sunlight. How much sunlight do you need for solar power? I hope it charges because then next time we have a tornado fully charged weather radio. Boom. I think I'm following. Anyway, I haven't checked on it, but it's been up there for a day. I'm just really curious when I go grab it if it's going to be full battery. That should

That should work, right? It might charge slightly slower, but by the time you need it, I would think it would still be charged. Yeah, but like trickle charge is okay, because that's actually like not too bad on the battery. If you kind of trickle it and don't keep it like full blast top. I mean, ideally, I'd only charge it to like 80%, but like that's not realistic because it's just a weather radio. I had a weird bug with my batteries for my server. I just remembered for about a month or two now, they've thought that they were in Germany. What?

Don't get me started on batteries imagining they're in other places. I mean, I don't know what other way to explain it because it kept reverting to 50 hertz for its output power. And in America, we do 60 hertz. And they also, whenever I open the app to be like your location to calculate the power rates for this location, it started out in Germany and

For some reason, all of my batteries and the inverters thought they were in Germany. Did a firmware update a little bit ago. They forgot that, and now they're back home. They went on vacation for a little bit, and they were not working. I'm convinced you live in like a weird Twilight Zone area. We did the episode that was all about American geography, and you kept going to Russia, and now your servers are trying to be in Germany. Do you live in every country at once? My batteries, but yes. Once you have five ovens,

certain doorways open up in front of you. I don't have five ovens anymore. But you did. You were a man who had five ovens. Now you're a man who lives everywhere.

all at once. That was actually the first clue that I was starting to slip between dimensions is that when I stopped having five ovens, you know, that doesn't make any sense. So that's when you guys should have realized that. Would you rather have five ovens or five toilets? Do I still have one oven if I have five toilets? Let's say it's one to two ovens and five toilets or one to two toilets and five ovens. I can't believe this is a hard choice. Why is this a difficult question? Yeah, I guess I would go toilets just because

Like there's not a scenario where I need five ovens. There's not really a scenario where I can imagine needing five. Same. I thought that'd be the quick answer. You guys both really thought it out. I don't know. If a toilet goes down and we got backups, you know. Well, not for Wade. I always want at least two toilets. I don't think you ever want just one toilet. If you live with another human being, you definitely want more than one toilet.

Having... When I... Back when I had roommates and there were like four of us sharing one toilet and all that sort of stuff. That's not fun. Yeah. Our... Molly, my first place. One toilet. We had guests and it was just the worst. Like, oh, we all want to shower before we go out to dinner. Shit, there's five of us. One shower.

Yeah, that was at both of my grandparents' houses where we would visit. We would always visit around like holidays generally. And so everyone's trying to do everything all at once. Both of them had one bathroom in the whole house. So there'd be like seven people all who are like, well, we need to wake up. We need to get a shower. We need to get ready and we're going to the

whatever holiday party event thing it's a whole you need like a schedule i've never needed more than two ovens two ovens is nice to have and two ovens is really just if you're like hosting a event and you know that you need something that's like oh we need the turkey and we need the other shit like that's nice but more than two i don't know if i'll ever need it actually technically i think i have three ovens oh look at this guy now

One of them is our microwave that also has like an oven feature that I've never used. But yeah, like I think technically our microwave can be an oven. I feel like it's not an oven if you can't put metal in it. But what are we talking about? Small talk, really. I got a fun article. All right. How fun? You'll about to see. Researchers genetically altered fruit flies to crave cocaine.

This is some fucking cool fruit flies. What does a fruit fly do with cocaine? Like, is the nostril big enough? Uh, snorts it, my guy. Snorts it. They do the rubbing of their hands in and then...

Plus, they can carry as much as their body can, their little hairs all over their body can pick up with them. So, like, they always have a stash. I think that the reason is to try to study, you know, addictions because their brains are a bit less complex than ours, just a bit. And so they can see how the drug is affecting neural pathways and yada yada. But here's the thing. Quote, flies don't like cocaine one bit.

They don't like it. That's weird. But insects are evolutionarily primed to avoid plant toxins, and cocaine is a plant toxin. They have taste receptors on their arms, their tarsal segments, so they can put their hands in something before it goes in their mouth and decide, I'm not going to touch that. After confirming that cocaine activates the fruit flies' bitter-sensing taste receptors, Rothenflue and Philia...

Those are strong Oklahoman names. They switched off those nerves. We got to get these flies addicted to cocaine. We got to get them addicted. Once deactivated, there was little to stop the flies from developing cocaine habit. These modified flies were subsequently introduced to sugar water infused with a low concentration of cocaine. Within 16 hours, the insects indicated a preference for the drug-laced drugs.

drinks at low doses they started running around just like people at very high doses they get incapacitated which is also true in people god dang yeah so now they can breed more fruit flies addicted to cocaine and study how addiction evolves in the body

not only that, they can do it so much faster. Who? I wonder why fruit flies of all things. Cause they reproduce in like half an hour or something. And they, there's, there's an analogous enough to humans, uh,

or you know they have 70 75 of the same genes uh but oh sure 70 75 of the same genes responsible for various diseases as well as i mean many of the same vital organs so you know a lot of disease probably because of the co collaboration overlap between flies and humans co collaboration anyway we can scale research so quickly and flies i think i'm getting the wrong takeaway but i

I would like to have the taste bud arrangement that fruit flies have. Imagine all you're eating is like steamed vegetables and lean protein. But if you're just holding like a piece of pizza in your hand, you're just like, like you're stubbing your face and you're like pizza. That's better than Ozempic. You know, that's how you get skinny. I want that. That would mean that everything you touch, you taste better.

That would be real careful changing baby diapers. You'd have to have one taste hand, one non-taste hand, and you just have to be really diligent about like gloves and stuff. Forever gloved on one arm. Makes shaking people's hands a lot more scary. You gotta really commit.

It's like, "Mmm, unwashed wiener touching hand. I taste that." What the fuck? Whose hands are you shaking? What's happening? You'd find out real quick, wouldn't you? Wade's just projecting. Wade's just like, "I never wash wiener hands." I'm the wiener fingers. I prefer to wash my wiener fingers by rubbing them on other people. It's not weird. It's not weird.

But I also think that if it was a society and you wash your hands a lot, then you just taste soap all the time. And that wouldn't be good either. They just need like delicious soap. Oddly enough, I guess I don't usually do segue points, but I guess I'll have to give this segue point to Mark for the cocaine flies. Oh, yeah, baby. I can't. I know what this is.

episode's all about? Oh, you will. I just want to point out, I have a point written down from I don't know when, but apparently I gave myself a point at one point for Ligma Balls, and it's just been sitting here on this page waiting for this day. So, here it is. I got a point for Ligma Balls today. No.

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We're gonna play a little game here that we've done at least once before. That's not an original idea. But it's called... Nah, I'd Win! I've got my big old dice. Remember the fun dice from the pig and the farmer? Still got it. It still hates to roll high numbers, I think, so... I have an all-metal d20. Are we rolling dice today, brothers? I will have to. Remember the... So the whole thing with Nah, I'd Win is I give you a scenario, and you guys try to win...

one action at a time and every time you guys give me an action if it's one that actually accomplishes anything which is pretty easy to do unless you're me I roll the dice if we get to a total of 20 then you win if you don't trust me that's okay but I

But I have my little dice tray and I would like to roll my own. But I would like to not aim my camera down at my desk every time I do that. I will not lie. I will defer to your opponent. Mark, do you trust him? Well, this usually leads to him stealing our blocks and backstabbing us at the end. But I would never.

I think he's a changed man. That face, only a mother could trust. You want me to roll for you still, Mark? I still have the big dice. Yeah, I don't have any dice. Unless I flip a coin once. It's one and a half, one quarter.

4 and a half times. If I flip this 4 and a half times, that would be the same odds. Explain a half a coin flip. On the fifth flip, you have to flip it up and then snatch it with your other hand out of the air. I gotta binary this shit. So I gotta calculate what the number would be in binary versus 5. I'm gonna roll for Mark. Bob can roll for Bob. How many binary for 20? How many binary for 20?

Because it's only 20 the first time. Then it becomes 19 plus 1, 18 plus 2, whatever that wins. It changes. Couldn't you use the Martian rules and do hexadecimals or whatever? I don't have a hexacoin. You know what? I've got a dice that works just fine. I don't know about that.

Can mine be out of 16? Can it be a 16? Because then I could do four coin flips, calculate that in binary. Oh, and then I could do, oh, we could do four and two, right? So it's four for the 16 and the last four need two more flips to know what that value is because zero and one and one, zero, one and zero, zero.

No, we're just going to roll a goddamn dice. Fine, man. Fine. God. You can host a 9-win and do your coin idea, alright? You do have a coin, so hey, you know what? Why don't you flip the coin to see who goes first? Heads as you, tails as Bob. You don't have a coin over there? Do you not have a coin? I do have a coin. I got my coin, but I'm letting you do something with your coin. I'm being nice. I'm going to flip it four times, and then I'm going to flip it two times. Ha ha ha!

That's you first ones mark all right one right right on my desk, haha what heads again Wow that's your heads Shit what the fuck heads again, all right

Three heads. Bob, you trust this coin? I don't know about this, man. I got concerns. Oh, no, it's tails. All right, so... Three to one. Three to one. All right, then I gotta flip two more times for a separate array of heads. Three to one plus one. Oh, it's heads! Holy shit! That is pretty unlikely. Yeah, it's counting who wins, man. We'll never figure it out without you. No, it'd be backwards. It'd be 0111. Binary 0111 is...

Seven. All right. That's seven. Seven. Binary. What is... Nope. Yeah, it is...

Is it three? Wait. No, it's not three. So wait, you flipped a coin six times and you're saying you only won seven to three? No, I think he's adding these numbers together because he flipped four times to get a total out of 16 and then two times to get a total out of four. Honestly, I don't know how binary works. Why is it so hard to get a what is one one in binary? Even the internet is like, God, who cares? Why would anyone do that? Three!

So 10 is the answer Well the question was who goes first You or Bob You or heads Bob is tails Uh huh

So theoretically 1 to 10 was Mark and 11 to 20 was me or something? I realize I don't think I could even count up high enough because if 1 1 1 0 only got to... Oh, it's because I flipped it around. No, I guess I should have done it the other way. Okay, hold on. What is 1 1 1 0? Well, thanks for watching everyone. This has been a fun episode of...

14 plus 3 would be...

Why was that only 17? How the hell would I get to... This isn't enough numbers. I just wanted you to flip a coin to see who goes first. I don't know where we've ended up. Hold on. Mark or Bob, the answer is 17. Wait, no. How is that possible? I don't know, man. It's hard to say, isn't it? Well, if you get 17 twice and then you add 8, you get the answer to the universe, which is 42. Oh, no. What the fuck?

That's impossible Does binary say that despite winning 5 out of 6 coin flips you lose? This can't be Why does that equal 31? I don't understand binary at all I feel a little nauseous but hey Mark I'm going to go out on a limb here It's because it starts at 0 0 to 31 It's 32 I got it So you do need 4 digits of binary and then 2 more to get to 20 D20

So Mark, you're going first! Okay, I'm ready. Here's the sitch. You are a goblin.

You look around, and above your head, you see a one. And then you see some adventurers coming down. They need to level grind, and you are their prey. Now it's your job to not let them level grind you. How do you win? All right, my first action is I take out my handkerchief, and I reach up to the number above me, and I see if I can wipe off any more numbers next to the one to see if there's some zeros there that...

And I hope to God it's not in binary. I hope to God. All right, you're going to power level through cheating. And maybe they'll think that I'm cleaning the walls or something. Close. It's an 18. I'll set it in binary. And if you guys remember the rules, you have to repeat the previous person's actions and then continue. So what happened to me? They came down, they got out their weapons and they took you down in two hits.

I reach up with my Kleenex and polish the air and nothing happens. And then I reach up my own ass into my hammer space and just grasp furiously to see if I can pull anything cool out of my hammer space. I'm checking your inventory for some high magic gear.

That's not what he said, but alright. So what do I need, a 19? You need a 19. Or 20. 14, says the dice. That's a 15 total? Not enough. Mark, back to you. One eye on the sky with my handkerchief. Other hand up my ass. I start shouting as loud as I can towards the adventurers. Woohoo!

Hope they get scared by whatever the hell they're seeing. What's wrong with that goblin over there? Is his hand up his ass? What's he wiping? He's doing it wrong. I don't trust your dice because your dice is an ill-formed, weirdly shaped, poorly balanced nonsense piece. Bye.

Bob's pristine, beautiful, machined die is the essence of fairness. I want Bob to roll my die as well. I got you an 18 last time. You only need an 18 now. I needed a 20. It didn't get me there. I think this is going to work. I got you, Mark. It's an 18.

God damn it. Well, I'm never going to be able to roll for anyone again. Thanks, man. I liked the rolling part. She could better die. She could better die than I trust. The host sets the rules, okay? Man, I want that one to go longer. That's sad. You didn't account for Mark's screaming. All right, Bob, you're up. You are lying on a bunch of other yous. There's something silver coming down at you. What are you?

A noodle? Is that a fork coming down to swirl you up and eat you? Oh, I did it. How do you win? I think of the hottest, steamiest carbonara I can imagine in the hopes of becoming a fully erect piece of pasta that I might choke this person to death when they try and eat me. You need a 20 and I don't get to roll anymore, so...

dice that's a 13 that doesn't help that dented my desk because I missed my dice rolling thing that's a thick die it's really heavy literally like this is on to this is on to my desk all right I

I think of the spiciest, hottest carbonara I can think of. I pop some Viagra and I hope to choke this son of a bitch to death before I die. Is the Viagra your move or are you doing something else? Yeah, Viagra's my move. I believe this is the right strategy. Would you like me to roll still or Wade to roll? Yeah, roll. You roll, Bob. You all my rolls. That is an eight. Orange.

Or an S, depending on if I can read. Either way, it loosest. I think of the hottest, spiciest carbonara I can. I pop the Viagra. And just in case, I loop my noodley tail around a very jagged...

piece of artichoke and when I get up into the mouth area I'm gonna try and fling the artichoke to the back of the throat and make them start coughing and choking. You're thick, you're erect and somehow wrapped. That is a nat 20. I'm sort of assuming that one wouldn't work.

Were we a ramen? I thought we were ramen. We were just a noodle, right? We were laying on top of other noodles, so I was assuming we weren't in too much sauce or broth or whatever. These are going fast. I needed more ideas. All right, Mark. You are not Jiminy, but you are a cricket. And you're just hopping along...

And... that's weird. The wall. Wall? There should be no wall. It's just air! But I'm... Hmph! I'm just hitting this wall and... and I don't even see! And behind you, you hear... and you turn around to see a snake. Mouth open, fangs bearing, coming to eat you. How do you win? I... charge up Dragon Ball Z style in the hopes that I transform into my locust form.

And I just, I start screaming and if I transform and I locust form, I'll 10x my power. Easily. I got you, bud. 15. You power up. You feel the little antenna starting to rise as yellow courses through and digested. I start to charge up Dragon Ball Z style and go, I also start

furiously playing the devil went down to Georgia on my leg fiddle that is attached to my body because we all know crickets are essentially living walking fiddles in the hopes that I might summon the devil to kill the snake so we can have our duel while furiously focusing and starting to power up you grab your leg do do do do do

Finally got a 15 again. And then you get gulped. So, up against the window, screaming my head off, legs going crazy, making that beautiful song, Devil Went Down to Georgia. All of my limbs are currently preoccupied, correct? They're pretty preoccupied. At least two of them have to be playing the fiddle. Except my wings! Plop!

My wings burst out of my back and I start to ascend into the air. I'm still screaming, still playing. I'm hoping to finally ascend to my transformation as I rise into the air, go into my final form. Okay. Playing Devil Went Down to Georgia while trying to power up to Super Cricket. Your wings come out. You flap furiously. 10. 10.

Okay, that's the third one, right? So is that 13 total? Yeah. So now you need a 16 total or more to win. Back to you, Bob. Alright. I'm screaming. I'm charging. I'm fiddling. I'm spreading my wings. And in all of this, I also remember that crickets can totally defense piss little gross brown juice if they get scared. So I A

aim my piss hole at the snake and I take the angriest cricket piss I've ever taken in my life in hopes of scaring it away from me forever.

- You need a 16. - 17. - All right, you piss and the snake has a severe cricket piss allergy and starts to break out into snake hives. Coking up one last snort before he coughs, chokes and dies. - We're really burning through these Mark, we're killing it. - Yeah, we're winning.

I seem to remember in previous iterations of this type of game, lots of losses and very long strings of things we had to do to succeed. Really only one or two. There were a lot of short ones, but then, man, that pig one lasted a while. Dear Penthouse Forum, it finally happened to me. Oh,

Oh no, you broke into the wrong house. You were just doing your job. Someone says, oh no, your job? Oh yeah. But now you're behind steel bars and the execution chambers waiting because you killed a whole family when you only had your way in. You are the Kool-Aid man and you're about to go down execution row or whatever the term for that is. It's called death row. Who's going first on this one? Me?

This is you. I am the Kool-Aid Man. And out of the corner of my mouth, as I'm walking in the hallway, I just... No one is saying anything, but just by myself, I just go...

Oh no! Oh no! And then I turn and face the wall of the prison and go, "Oh yeah!" And see if I can just Kool-Aid Man my way out of the prison wall. There's a chance, but this place is made to hold Kool-Aid men. You'll need a 20. That's a two. You go up to the wall, you, "Oh no! Oh no!"

Powering yourself up for the devil. Oh, yeah! But your glass shatters and Kool-Aid is thrown everywhere. The gore and viscera is a horror to behold as you lie dead and shattered among your own innards. So, I throw myself against the wall as hard as I can, cracking my glass, but not shattering it, hopefully. And then I roll on the floor, spilling some of my red, and I go, Oh!

It's really hard to say it, but... Oh, no! I'm hurt! I can't be executed! You gotta let me out! Oh, no! I gotta go to the hospital! Yep.

That is an eight, my good dude. Do I just run in the wall and smash it? You are in fact laying down with a crack in the glass and liquid leaking out and the prison guard scoffs and drags you by your Kool-Aid foot to the execution chamber where you are finished off. And then shared among everyone watching, a nice glass of you has passed around.

I'm walking down the hallway. I try to smash through the wall. I fall down. I'm leaking. I'm cracked. And I'm assuming my hands are cuffed behind my back because I'm being transported. And as I'm falling there and I'm injured, I feel that the handle of my pitcher body, which is a separate thing from my arms, has broken off and become a very large shiv.

in my attempted smashing outing. And so I, while I'm laying on the ground, I grab the shiv with my handcuff hands and then I sit up and I just like turn ass first at the prison guards and just try and like blind shiv them with my shattered handle. All right. That's a one.

where I shiv my own self up my ass and die? You go to shiv the guard, but you miss and trip. And because you're kind of like picture-shaped and a bit round, you roll straight to the execution chamber and make it really easy to kill you. Whoops.

I tactically slam myself against the wall, cracking my ass, fall to the ground, pocketing the shard of glass. No, sorry. Fall to the ground, scream. Oh, God, help. No, I can't be acting here today. Grab the shard of glass. Guard comes by. Try to shiv him. It was a diversion. I go opening first towards him to try to scoop as I do a somersault flip so he will be inside of me and drown. Okay.

How much do you need for this one? 17. Oh, that is a 16.

You go to scoop him up and put him in there. He's been a bit parched today. He's sad to see you go. He's been crying, needed some liquid. He drinks you up a little bit, feels a lot better, gives you a pat on the back, says thank you, and escorts you out to kill you. He's been crying? I want to know the backstory of this prison guard. It's like the Green Mile. You're the John Coffey of execution prisoners. Everyone loves a Kool-Aid man. His name's John Coffey, is that right? That's been so long since I've seen that. That is, yes. So now, Bob, you need a 16. Ah.

I pretend someone said, oh no, I slam myself tactically against the wall, cracking my body. I fall down and I'm all, oh God, I'm injured. I need to go to the hospital, not the execution chamber. And while I'm laying on the ground, I grab the shiv. As the guard comes to help me up, I jump up and I attempt to shiv him, but I miss. But in my missing, I tactically dive roll opening first over him to try and scoop him up. That...

and he takes a sip of me, but now I'm standing next to him and he's standing next to me and with my powerful juice powers, it's an ability that Kool-Aid Man definitely has. It's canon. I try and reassemble my juices, hoping that the bit of me that he drank will explode out of his stomach to come slosh back into the body that is my...

magical juice scoop. There's only ever been one pitcher of Kool-Aid. It all goes back in the end. It looks like it leaks or gets drunk, but Kool-Aid Man never actually gets drunk. He always just reassembles. Alright, you need a 16 or higher. That is an 11. You try to summon the juices back out, and the guy looks a little uncomfortable and he goes, bleh, and

And burps, and up comes the Kool-Aid, which hadn't quite gotten far enough down to erupt. And it comes back to you, but now you got a little saliva in you too. The worst things are already in there. Don't worry about it. I fling myself bodily against the wall. Fall, roll, scream, grab shard of glass from my ass. Here comes the guard. Hi-yah!

Missed. Did I swing around, somersault inside myself? He takes a big mouthful as he's gasping in the surprise. Roll back. He rolls out of me. I use my magic to try to summon it back. That didn't work, but I...

Remember a teaching from my sensei, Capri Sun. And I remember a power that he had passed down from himself where whoever drank the Capri Sun turned the drinker into liquid metal and shot it out into the ether. I tried to channel that power, turn him into metal. A little 15 or higher and you somehow will. Ooh, that's a five.

All right. You try to channel your sensei and turn him into metal. You see him start to have a shine to him almost. And then you realize it's just the glistening sweat of him not feeling great after burping up some Kool-Aid. He takes the execution chamber and you go, bye-bye.

I slam myself against the wall. Crack. Fall down. Hospital. Catch the shiv. Jump up. Try and shiv the guard, but miss. Tactical roll to drown the guard, but miss. He drinks some of me. I try and reassemble and summon my juice with my powers, and it just goes up out of his mouth, but he did have to cough it up. And then I try and silver surfer him as per command.

Capri Sun taught me and that doesn't quite work but while he's still disoriented I lunge at him and I try and grab his radio because I have an accomplice who will hear me when I put out the radio call and I grab the radio and I scream into the radio the juice is loose

And that's the code word to set my plan in motion where I escape. All right. Not only does your accomplice hear you, but everyone who's afraid of OJ Simpson's also panicking. No, unrelated. I'm made of juice, okay? I get to be the juice. You need a 14 or higher. Yep.

That is a 14. You call in the radio. Everyone starts panicking. The juice is loose. They start trying to lock the place down, but all of a sudden, the wall erupts as a truck backs in with Bubba and Wubba in the way saying, get in! And the Kool-Aid man hops in the back of the truck and drives away. Well, is driven away. Can I say, oh yeah, as I hop into the truck and drive away? Of course. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

I'm not winning a lot of these. I'm gonna have Wade roll my die. I'm gonna have Wade roll my dice. You're switching? I'm gonna have Wade roll my dice. Hey, I gave you some pretty good rolls right up until that one. I think overall I've given myself worse rolls. I've just had some really clutch rolls. That's fair. I'm back to rolling, baby. We're flashing back a few years. It's the late 90s. A little bit chilly outside.

You're sitting on a throne of sorts, I guess. You feel like you're bound down. You look down at your red arms and legs and wonder if life can ever get better than this. And then you hear a noise. Screaming? A crowd erupts out of nowhere, salivating, pushing, shoving, stabbing, screaming more. They see you.

They want you. You are the last Tickle Me Elmo doll. Okay. It's a couple days before Christmas. Are they gonna kill me? Us? They might rip you to shreds trying to get out with you. You gotta get out of here. If any of these people get you, it's the end. The winning scenario is getting out or killing everybody. The dice will determine. That's the situation you find yourself in. Um, I think it's Mark first this time.

So, Tickle Me Elmo, Kmart, you said? Wherever. Just a department store, whatever one you want. You're tied up in your box. Tied up in my box. Late 90s.

Trying to think of the technology of the time. Alright. I switch my price with the really expensive item on the shelf immediately behind me so everyone thinks that I'm $3,000 instead of the Tickle Me ammo price. You flip your box. Still trapped inside. You use your mouth to rip off the price tag. Go over to your own, put it down. You're too expensive. Who's gonna pay that for you? I'm gonna co-roll for you, Mark, just to see what you're giving up.

14. Yeah, you made the right choice. But a 14 is right next to the 20. It was close. I might have Wade roll for me now. I don't know. I don't know if I like this. I turn around and use my mouth to rip the price tag and I put it over my price tag and no one is dissuaded because people are out of their fucking minds because it's Black Friday or something. I desperately try and hop my box that I'm strapped onto off

off the shelf so I can hopefully fall down and like bounce out of the way or maybe bounce under the shelf or something. Something where I can get to where no one's gonna see me. I can hide until they all go the fuck away. Mark, with that 14, you got ripped to shreds as people tried to grab you, but Bob, seeing what happened, knowing that that could be the case, falls off the shelf.

I got a six. Landing squarely on the base of his box. Oh, well, thankfully he's easier to grab now. He's not on the top shelf. And not only has he ripped the shreds, but he's partially stomped the death as well. It's very brutal and awful. So no one gets, no one gets this. Yeah, this is just all losers. That's death. Let's pretend like I wasn't listening to Bob's entire episode.

just pretend and let's pretend that i wasn't looking up d20 spinners to see if i could have my own one so that i didn't have to trust my fate in any of you let's pretend like that's uh-huh i might entirely take over the dice next time i do this i like the anticipation of being able to tell the story without you guys knowing the result i feel like i gotta do something here with him not listening i don't there's gotta be something here

If there's a penalty, I will allow Mark to make up whatever he wants for my action and continue as if that is what reality is. But there's some kind of like a half point penalty or something for having to rewrite history. Okay, but it's only if I get it wrong, right? If you get it right, yeah, you can no penalty. You get it right, you're good. I wobble over, grab the other price tag with my teeth, rip it off, place it on mine as a diversion. Then I fling myself off the top shelf.

to the floor. Is that what you did? Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah. As I'm falling, I scream, Oh yeah! And then I try to hit the ground as hard as I can. And as I'm on, as soon as I get down to the ground and it didn't work, I then spin as hard as I can to try to make some distance away from the location and hopefully I'll go under one of the fridges or something.

So I just start spinning. Tasmanian devil away from them. So you fall. You don't get under the shelf like you want to. Your thought, spin. I start rolling, spinning. I start rolling, spinning. You need an 18. It was on the 20 for a second, but it ended at 14 again. Damn. I think it's weighted. I think it's weighted. Weighted? Yeah, I think it's weighted. I really thought you had the 20 because it bounced on it twice and then went to 14. Well, that doesn't seem very fair. Are you on a carpet? No. No.

I turn around, I get the price tag as a diversion, I put that over my price tag, I desperately hop off the edge hoping to bounce to safety, but I... And while I'm falling, I say, "Oh yeah!" and I try and Kool-Aid man my way through the floor like my other favorite red character does, and that doesn't work. So when I hit the floor, I start furiously Tasmanian Deviling. When they get... When I realize that this is not gonna be enough for me to escape,

I stop spinning and face the crowd of people. And I tilt, I break the rules like they do in Toy Story. And I tilt my head slowly up. And I say in the loudest voice I can muster, You shouldn't touch Elmo! Elmo is a god!

And see if I can scare them away from touching me because I'm talking to them and I'm a toy. You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to be tickle me, Elmo, not talk to me, Elmo. I think you need a 17. I got a 17.

Triangle of fairness. Look. Wow. 17. Yeah, I held it. Oh, there it is. It's a 17. That's a really terrible angle for me to have done that. Should I let me keep rolling for you, Mark? No, I'm going to trust Wade. I've always believed in him, and he's always believed in me. I don't think either of those things is true, but I appreciate your candor. All right. We've done a situation similar to this one today, even. This is flipping the script.

you're a low level warrior but like you're watching people clobber goblins and it's like boring i'm just gonna skip ahead to something more exciting you wander around and you find yourself in a high level area you don't realize this until looking up at the sky you're ignoring your little level one over your head but then the sky starts to get darker and you see level 45 ogre

stepping into view and he's seen you he's aggroed he's coming for you okay right

I think Bob is first this time. Well, obviously, the first thing you do is I go into my inventory and I get out my tomahawks. Well, I just have the one, I guess. But I huck my tomahawk at him right at his stupid face and see if I can just one-shot him at range without even having to get my hands dirty because I've totally killed goblins that way before. Maybe he was already in a fight in his weekend. I guess we'll find out. You need a 20. Okay.

Ow. 17. And it dented my desk. Is that worth anything? Uh, I'll give you 17.25. And no. You throw your tomahawk. It makes contact. Falls to the ground. And now the ogre's pissed. He picks you up and just gives a little squeeze and you explode in his hand. Alright. Well, I tried. Aw.

Reach up my ass, grab the tomahawk, throw it at him. That was a diversion. Reach up my other ass, grab my handkerchief, go over to his not his level, his name, and I try to rub out that G so he just becomes ore, and I'm gonna mine him. You found level 45 ore at level 1. You're gonna be rich. I know, I'm gonna be rich if this works. Am I rolling for you? Oh, you know it, baby. Alright, you need a 19. 19.

Seven. Twil. You go to rub out the G, but before you can even get the little hook gone, a club swings down and crushes you into oblivion. I reach up my ass. I throw the tomahawk. I reach up my other ass to get my handkerchief. I go and I try and scrub away the G. Clearly that doesn't work. I don't know what I was thinking. Then I...

shit my pants out of sheer fear and rage hoping that that will either scare him away or my shit will be so fierce that if he tries to eat me he'll just die or pass out and fall down his head or something is this one of those where I keep it a 19 because all you did was shit yourself or do I give you the 7 or the 18 I think it depends on how effective you think shitting my pants in fear and rage will be it's an angry shit

Yeah, but doesn't an ogre also live in angry shit? I'm gonna leave this one at 19. Yeah, that's a 7. Uh, it wouldn't have mattered, but, uh, you shit yourself, and the ogre gets a smile on his face as he swings his club. Now we've switched numbers, so Mark, you now need an 18. Alright. Reach up my ass, Tomahawk! Reach up my other ass, handkerchief! How big is this ogre? 45. 45...

He's 45 feet tall. Clamber up him. Try to rub out that name. It doesn't work. I shit myself because, boy, I am way too close. I'm probably right up on his head. But then I look him dead in the eyes and be like, I'm cursed. I'm cursed. If you eat me or kill me or get any of my blood on you, you'll be cursed too. Don't do it. Don't do it. You're gonna be cursed.

The ogre's intelligent enough to understand it, I guess. I'll give you the 18 for trying to scare him. Fear is a spell in World of Warcraft. It is a spell. A nine. You tell the ogre this. Maybe he's not as intelligent as you thought to understand, or maybe he just doesn't believe you. Maybe you should have invested more into bluff. He flicks you off his head so hard you hit a tree, splatter, slide down, and you're dead. Okay.

I reach up my ass. I reach up my other ass. I clamber up the 45-foot tall ogre and try and scrub out the G. When that doesn't work, I get right in one of his eyes and I say, "I'm cursed! I'm cursed! I shit my pants to death! You know what to curse if you need me!" And while I'm doing that, I reach back up my first ass and pull out my two-handed axe.

And then I just bring the axe over my head and just right into his eyeball while he's distracted at me yelling at him on his face for my ass. You need a 17. I will give you the axe, the surprise ass axe.

That's a four. You go to swing your axe, but I don't know if it's sweat or shit on your hands. The axe slides out of your hand and goes flying and you bring down nothing. And the ogre gets another good laugh as this time he picks you up, throws you in his mouth, and takes a bite. Can I get a shit saving roll? I took a fearsome shit. It's in there. I anticipated he might try and eat me.

Sure. DC 20. I don't know what that means. Roll. If you get a 20, you'll succeed. Alright. And you're saving roll.

I got a nine. You don't save yourself. Mark, back to you. You could use a 17 or 16 if you do something productive here. All right. Reach up my ass, Tomahawk. Reach up my other ass, handkerchief. I sprint at him, going to rub out his name. I'm screaming, I'm cursed. I'm cursed the whole time. Clamber up him. Cursed. Cursed guy coming up. Cursed. Cursed man. Tried to rub the name. Didn't work.

Shit all over the- oh no must be the curse really hittin' grab him by both sides of the head like you wanna see how this curse progresses? Reach up my ass again two-handed axe. Oh God the curse hit him as hard as I can over the head and was like I didn't want to do that It's the curse of the axe anus. Oh, no. Oh

"Ahh, God, you don't want this!" And then I try to backflip off delicately in a super somersault to get some space now that I've really razzled him. And I'm hoping that poop was all over and axe in his head. A graceful attempt to escape. Sure. 16 or higher.

It's a nine again. I don't like this dice. I see. I think what's the dice made of? Kind of like foamy plastic or something. Yeah. Where'd you get it? Where'd you get it? Uh, there's a, like a gaming, like D and D bookstore, figurine place. Not too far away. They had this in a box.

Only only only that this Bob you know what I like your dice Well, that was needed a 16 didn't get it so Bob 16 or 15 if you do something good here What happened to me? Well, you did successfully black backflip off But you were 45 feet in the air at level 1 and the fall damage was more than your hit point total So you hit the ground and just never woke up. Oh

I reach up my ass, tomahawk. I reach up my other ass, handkerchief. I sprint at the ogre and clamber up and try and erase the G and when I realize that's not going to work, I shit myself in fear and as I'm shitting myself, I remember about my curse that I'm

just made up to try and get him to stop eating me and I start yelling "I'm cursed! I'm cursed! I'll shit myself to death! I'm cursed!" While I'm doing that I reach up my first ass and pull out my axe, two-handed axe and *grunt* and do the backflip off after I try and land the axe strike and I land gracefully as shit sprays in every direction and then I taunt him.

in hopes that I could make him so blinded with rage that he charges at me and I dive between his legs and he goes headfirst into the big rock behind me and kills himself. I'll give you that 15 or higher to get the ogre so angry that he charges at you without thinking and knocks himself out. Can I get another point added?

to my chances if I tell you what insult I would hurl his way and see if it would make him extra ragey. If it's so good that even Mark agrees, yes. You're so ugly, you look like your mama fucked the grr from a tiger and you were born. That's not even an insult. That's fucking weird. That's all I got. Did that do anything? I think it would be confusing more than retentive.

I think you need a 15. Look, I don't do insults. I don't do insults. That's not my speed. I just thought maybe I'd get lucky. I gotta be honest. I got a 19.

Mark sucks at dices. I'm real bad at this. It's because my insult was so good. Pissed him off. It touched a nerve you didn't even know he had. It did exactly what you wanted it to do. You jump off, you land gracefully with a sea of shit spraying around. The ogre looks kind of confused, disgusted, and then you taunt, confusing him almost at the same time. He knows he's angry, but the grr from a tiger and the...

fucking die runs to charge at you trips hits his head on a tree lands neck hits a rock dead how much how many levels do i get from this you probably level up straight from level one all the way to like 14 hell yeah i can only do so much i mean the dice really dictated a lot of this one mark i'm sorry yeah yeah i know i know i am aware

Next time I guess we'll figure out whether we get to let Bob use his cheating dice or I use the real dice or how we do this. Bob, you got points for... Wireless Pro, Standing Up, Got Marked to Get New Headphones, Solar Power, Noodle, Cricket, Juice is Loose, Kool-Aid, Elmo...

paid attention warrior versus ogre mark you got points for wah wah wah wah i guess you were crying about something early on hold on a second the judging might be off oh you were crying about something with your headphones early on uh you got a a a uh

Fly Coke, what country are you in? Russia? Germany? Goblin? Segway point. Capri Sun. And got lucky by guessing the Elmo fall. So even though God gave Bob a point for paying attention, I gave you the catch-up point for actually guessing the correct one there. I got one point for Ligma Balls from...

weeks ago whenever i guess i thought i earned it what happens if wade beats mark i don't think it's that close i don't think it's that close i gotta add something to the wheel can i well i guess go ahead and spin see how many times yeah let's just do this real quick come on three

All right. Three bonus points. Mark, that's good for you. Also, I declare unfair because I think that it was started that one way a point just seems like it was against me. Wait, you declared unfair after the number of spins. I think it's I think it's still in play. I think it's I think it's before the wheel. OK, so it's going.

If that's true, then what happens? Let's just flip first and see what happens. Okay, all right. Heads, we do what is good for Mark. Tails, we don't.

Oh, I got heads. Heads. Oh! Okay. So Mark has one unfair that the wah-wah point wasn't fair for him. No, that's not what I said. I said that there was clear, that is indicative that there was bias from the very beginning of this. I think an extra point in my favor to undo the bias is the only thing.

Okay, so you think an extra point in your favor makes up for that? Yeah, because I believe there was bias from the beginning, but I'm not saying that it was super... I'm not saying it should change the entire scope of the game, but I feel like that levels the playing field a bit. I feel like that's a pretty rational request. Okay, I mean, you won. I'm not going to argue with you. If you think an extra point evens it up, I'll give you the extra point. I will say the role of these spins is significant since there are three of them. What are we adding to the list?

Do we have- does everyone have a half point for something on here now? I think Mark doesn't. Yeah, I don't think I have a half point. Well, you know what, Mark? You get the point for winning the three coins and I'll give you the half point to Mark on the wheel. Make it- make it half height, half point. Half height, half point. Sure. No, don't put the half height thing. I was joking. Oh, come on. No! No! Well, it's shuffled now. I can't change it. Three spins. Spin number one.

Biggest laugh. We definitely got some laughs. I really enjoyed Juice is Loose, but Capri Sun was also very good. Was I very funny in the opening? Was I hilarious? I, I, I might have gotten it. Was that this episode? Oh, yeah. I, I, I was this episode. Do you think that was a bigger laugh than it probably was? I feel like we both got laughs on that, but that is Mark's thing he brought up. Because I feel like I got a pretty good laugh on that for the Apple keynote bit, but...

I don't honestly remember that much. Yeah, I feel like I got a big laugh in the beginning, so it might be... I can't remember a bigger laugh than I.I.I., so I'll give it to Mark for the I.I.I. Yes, oh my god, it's coming. This is it. Alright, spin number two. Oh...

Most travel since last episode. It's probably last recording session because none of us have gone anywhere. You mean when I was in Idlewild and also Joshua Tree? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god. This is unbelievable. Alright, last spin. Come on, come on, give it to me. Come on. Most callbacks. It's kind of the game of callbacks.

I'm arguing against myself here, but Mark did call back in the Elmo bit to the Kool-Aid Man bit. Also, the handkerchief callback! I did the handkerchief twice! He also did the handkerchief bit twice. That one is much better than the Kool-Aid Man callback, that's true. Oh!

That's unbelievable. Is it a tie or do I just lose? What's the deal? The total was 16 to 13 before the coin flip where he asked for a point that made it 16 to 14. And now he won all three points, making it 17 to 16. And despite only winning one, no, yeah, one of those entire things, the coins and the wheel,

gave him the four points to win. How the fuck did he get so many points if he only won one of the actual part of the game? He had a lot of points from the small talk early on with the I, I, I, the country he was in and the crying. So despite him saying it was unfair, he actually started off with like an extra point or two over you. This is my year! This is my year! This is my year! Mark, I guess you get to give us a winner's speech. Thank you.

I mean the dice weren't in my favor, but that coin got me. I feel like if I went that far I might not have won that last tie wheel if it got down to that. But oh, oh the universe has spoken and no one can say anything about it because it's already been used.

been used baby this is my year i will earn every win even if it's not earned literally four to one bob you won the game's four to one for a plus three which you had until the coin flip seems like it should be a pretty strong lead

Three points? You were in a three point lead until the coin flip and his three spins. The binary bit was pretty funny. This is reminiscent to me of the "How many coin flips in a row did I lose?" previous stretch. Eight to twelve or something crazy. It was in double digits. It was like twelve or fourteen or something. It was a crazy amount that was statistically impossible. I cannot beat the universe. I can beat you losers.

all over this podcast. I can out- I can out- goof with the best of them, but I cannot overcome the universe. And so as much as I want to be salty about this, I'm gonna listen to the wisdom of the universe and accept that Mark was meant to win this episode.

and say mean things to Mandy about you after we're done recording. Good fight, Bob. The dice were in your favor today, but apparently nothing else was. Truly had the dice on your side as well as great ideas. But coins and wheels and fortune favored Mark. So you can find us, Mark at Markiplier, Bob at MyScr, me at Minion777 or LordMinion777. And I guess stay tuned for the next one where Mark will host and lead us on a grand adventure of some kind. And until then...

Podcast out.