The Distractible Paradox
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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, this episode. Buoyant Bob, as paternal about his progeny's flatulence, claims animals have no animus, then throws down the gauntlet. Wipable Wade boosts the bangles, slanders streetcars, proposes universe-sucking wood, and beefs on brand.

Gerrymandering Mark respects divine indifference, rizzes on rustles, and gets irate over infinity. From kidnapping quarterbacks to thirsty asses. It's time for The Distractible Paradox. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome back for yet another episode of everyone's favorite podcast. That's right, everyone's favorite podcast. This is Distractible. I am your host, Bob, and I am joined today by my competitors, Mark and Wade.

Don't say hi. I am the host because I won the last episode. Mark and Wade are competing to win this episode. They win by making me write down points, and whoever gets the most points, or the least, we've never done that, but it could happen. Whoever gets the correct amount of points on my little thingy here, they're the winner. Or maybe not. Maybe I just say someone wins arbitrarily. Okay.

Is this the golf episode? I'm not going to throw that out here. I'm doing high score this time. I want the golf episode to be a surprise. May I have the correct amount of points? No, not yet. You might end up with the correct amount of points. Is it like Price is Right where we got to get close enough without going over? Oh,

I'll allow that. Does that require me to pick a number first? Probably. Well, I can pick. I think it just means I'm going to sabotage Wade by giving him all the points. This is quite a strategy. I'm going to try to stay at one the entire time. I like this. I like this. Okay. I accept. Give him any points that I've earned so far. Last episode, if I remember right, for some reason, it only cost three points to win. I wonder if Bob will go higher or lower than three.

Is three the fewest amount of points we've ever had actually win an episode? That might be true. I can't recall a two point or one point victory. That might have happened. Someone might have had negative points. We've had some pretty savage. I don't know. Anyway, look, the rules are none of this shit matters. The winner is the winner at the end because I say they're the winner. But there are rules and there is a constitution and we do get in a hot tub for some reason and there are boats and no one cares. How are you guys doing today? You got any small talk? Oh, Wade disappeared. Oh, there he is.

I always have small talk of the fascinating variety, constantly full of entertaining tidbits about how I am doing random bullshit. I actually have nothing. For the first time in my life, I have nothing going on, nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing at all. Just have a bunch of lame shit going on? Yeah, just nothing. I have no new gizmos. I have no new, uh, tornadoes.

Toys, I have no new technology nonsense. I don't have any updates on the random experiments that I was doing. I have nothing. I documented your points for small talk, Mark. Give them to Wade. I'm using a blanket authorization to give any points that you earn to Wade. Minus one. I have to have one. Maybe you haven't earned one yet. Mark just got a caveat point for giving me a caveat.

Mark's really tearing it up here. Wade's taking a commanding lead, though. I don't know, man. Do I even need to participate today? I feel like. Okay, look, my life might not be the most exciting life in the world, but it's mine and I enjoy it. And you know what I've been enjoying lately. And by the time this episode airs, I may or may not be enjoying something else. But has it been a wild ride, sports people out there, to be a Bengals fan? They're not technically out yet. As of the recording of this episode, it's come down to the fine.

weekend and uh we have like a 20 chance of making it but all we need is to win and have two teams lose it was we had to win out we had to win three games and have like four teams lose now we're down to just one and two we need to win we need two to lose just so we can either make it and lose right away or not but i don't know man it's been one of those losses is very possible i don't know if the chiefs are going to play all their starters but even with

some beast backup squad guys on there they could beat the broncos we don't know if the dolphins are playing their starting quarterback uh i forget who they're playing though jets i don't know that the jets can win the jets have to beat the dolphins for the oh no

The Jets have to beat the Dolphins and the Chiefs have to beat the Broncos and we have to beat the Steelers. So listen, the odds are slim. But if it happens as of the airing of this episode, I'll be very happy unless we've already lost. Dude, if the Bengals do get in, this will be the first time in my life I have two actual teams that I actually root for in the playoffs. Usually I have zero. Bengals and Lions have never really made it the same time. No, not really. Well, that's not fair. The Lions made it a year ago.

And they want actually they got their first playoff win in 60 years or whatever. But yeah, I mean, generally I have no teams in the playoffs and I just pick a team to root for. And it's usually like the Niners or someone. I'm greedy. I want three. I want my Bengals, Vikings and Lions. Good for Sam Darnold. I hope he gets in there. He is clinched. He is in there, but I hope he does well in the playoffs. I have a proposal to fix the football situation in Cincinnati once and for all. Get a defense? Better play calling? Yes. All of this. I'm going to make all of your dreams come true.

Because Cleveland has a football team, right? They do indeed. They, yeah. So all we need to do is we need to dig a tunnel from Cincinnati all the way to Cleveland, skip around Columbus, and start kidnapping their players.

in the middle of the night. They've got like two we could use. Take the two. Get more just in case as a backup. I thought you were going to say get a tunnel, build it from Cincinnati to Cleveland, get Cleveland's team in the tunnel and collapse the tunnel. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I think

Cincinnati abducting players and not allowing them to play for the Browns would only help Cleveland by and large, unless we can magically fix Nick Chubb and steal him. Mark, let me tell you this. I think Cleveland has only won one playoff game since they came back as a team and the following year, but they decided at the end of the year was cut the quarterback who won that playoff game to get a more expensive quarterback who's a lot worse and has some really big red flags. I mean, like

The sky is crimson around this man. And they were like, that's our guy. Not the guy who brought us to the promised land, but this guy. Okay, tunnel. Revisit the tunnel idea. In the middle of the night, dress up the Bengals' worst players. Just paint them brown, shove them through the tunnel, and then have them pop up in the middle of whatever Cleveland's field is.

And then boom! Defense, you've been doing a lot better as late. Put this on. Come with me. Their helmets are already orange as it is, right? Both helmets are orange. That's true. If you just peel those stripes off the Bengals one, then there you go. You're basically in there. Exactly. See, there's a reason I'm the brains of this podcast. We're going to have mice and mend them. Can I be a starter, George? Yes, you can, Lenny. Yes, you can.

The tunnel actually is just a long rail gun. It just accelerates them all the way to Cleveland. It'd be very fun for like the, you know, the majority of that journey. How long would it take to get rail gunned from, uh, how long would it take to get railed from Cincinnati all the way to Cleveland? Can't be done. Couldn't do it. Impossible. You need European wizards to make rails happen. I know that there's a subway system in Cincinnati.

but for some reason, isn't it the most logical place to have high speed rail other than Ohio? Because Cincinnati to Columbus to Cleveland is like one straight line. So you just have a rail that goes zoom and then you have- - They abandoned the subway here, I believe. I think that there's like part of it that's converted into a nightclub.

There's a dance club called like Ghost Baby that's in where the subway should be. It just, it doesn't make sense. A lot of clubs, there's actually many stations throughout Cincinnati that are just completely unused. The tunnels are there, they're just not full of train. And they could be. I think there was a horrible miscommunication years ago where people were raving about the subway and like the mayor of Cincinnati or the council must have been like, wait, they want to rave in the subway? All right, we're canceling it. Put a rave in there. We'll just put a train on the street. Call it the streetcar. Everybody likes streetcar. It goes three blocks.

Streetcar makes me nervous. Are you allowed to drive in streetcar lane when streetcar is coming? Will it stop or will streetcar be like, you're on a streetcar part? Yeah, it has like a big like Mad Max like plow on the front. It's just like on the front with a guitar. One of those guys on the big wavy back and forth poles hanging off the back like, witness me!

Guy with crazy mouth apparatus trying to do like a weird bane. Exactly. All in one car. It's the entire Mad Max movie in one streetcar. If any of us ever go on the streetcar, we have to walk in, get on board, and immediately just go, Immortal John!

Everyone will know what we mean. Imagine if Cincinnati had a subway system. I've heard it. I don't know anything about this, but I've heard it described as like Cincinnati was almost basically what Chicago became that in the in the early industrialization of this part of the country, the Queen City and the Windy City were kind of like

in competition with each other. And then I think everyone would agree Chicago kind of won that one. But imagine. It did in many ways. But if you've ever been to Chicago, I prefer Cincinnati. It's weird because Cincinnati is a nice city. It really is. It's not a huge city population wise, but it's got a lot. It's got a lot going for it. And it makes total sense that it would be a

a major hub on the way from east to west because it's got river access that has access to the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. Technically, it's a major rail hub, or at least it was. And it's like... Used to be. It's basically like the nexus point. And then people are like, nah!

Move that a little over west more. Up right by a lake where it's windy. So anyway, doesn't matter to me. I don't live there. My like one trip to Chicago, the scene that sticks out in my mind is sitting in standstill traffic where everyone's laying on their horns. And one guy just decides he's tired of waiting and drives on the sidewalk while blaring his horn, beeping at pedestrians on the sidewalk that he's driving down. That to me will always be how I see and feel about Chicago.

because I've had to drive through it many times because driving to Minnesota, like where Molly's family is, one of the two ways to go is through Chicago, which we've done a couple of times for whatever reason. And I've just never had a good time driving through or near Chicago. I think driving anywhere near or in Chicago is just about the worst way you could experience Chicago. The city itself is lovely. Very nice place with lots of great stuff to do.

But no, you don't want to drive there. That's not the way. I actually took a train to Chicago once. Weirdly enough, I was visiting family in Holland, Michigan, which is a tiny little place over on the west coast of Michigan. And there's a train from Holland to Chicago, which I thought was super weird. It was weird.

Fantastic, because then you get out and you're in the middle of the city at the train station. You don't have to drive or nothing. Man, imagine if we had trains places. Would be nice. This is a weird side tangent. Did you guys see? It's really horrible. Did you see the train that got derailed because the truck got like magnetized or whatever to the rail? Well, no. Unfortunately, a couple of people did die. But like a tractor trailer was going across the train track.

I'm not sure why it stopped, but apparently something happens with like a magnetism thing and like part of the truck got magnetized down to the train. They like had to take the semi part of it off and just left this thing and a train hit it and plowed right through it. That's not enough explanation about the magnetization of the truck to the train tracks. I

I don't know. I'm trying to find the right thing. Where did this take place? I believe in Texas. Okay, a lot of weird magnets going on in Texas. We all know this, yes. I thought it was magnets. Maybe it's not magnets.

Where would you have come up with magnets? I don't remember, man. I saw this like late at night and maybe I'm misremembering it. There's not the word magnet in any of these articles. Yeah, literally not a single mention of magnets for any reason. Hey, there was no magnets.

It's a good thing I'm getting all of Mark's points today. Yeah, it's really saving you. I'm really playing a risky strategy today of all days to do this, but I think it's going to pay out. It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for him. Have I told you guys about...

The fart story with James. Where he farted in a movie theater in Oppenheimer and everyone laughed? I wish he did. He probably would think of that. He's very funny. No, so we have this place we drive frequently where there's rumble strips on the road, which is that thing where you're driving and you drive over it and it goes... We drive over there all the time. And we were driving there with James in the back seat and we went over the rumble strips and out of nowhere, and he's never said it before, at least to me, really. Out of nowhere, he just goes...

Huh. Farts. Because the rumble strip sounds like farts.

Anyway, he's hilarious. He's going to be the funniest kid I know. Well, not as funny as me, but like he'll be second. You're not a kid, so you're kind of in a different class. All right. You're not the funniest adult I know either, but don't be offended. I know a lot of adults. You could say that. It's just not true. James is hilarious. Also, he calls the movie Sing Dance Animals, and that's his current favorite movie. Pretty accurate.

Is he like getting old enough now where he's branching out of a lot of like the baby-esque shows like the Blueys and stuff or? He still enjoys Bluey. He still enjoys. The thing right now is animals. Everyone is constantly surprised. It's because we're like, oh, he loves animals. He loves animals. And people are like, oh, you like horsies?

You're like, no, he knows what a yak is. He knows what a flamingo is. He can't quite say it, but he knows what a hyena is. He knows probably a few dozen animals in total.

And all day, every day is. I want animals. I want animals. And it means a lot of different things because it could mean he wants to watch a video of animals. Could mean he wants to stuff to animals. But he's an interesting place. Very smart. He likes to enact animals eating each other. He'll get like a bear and a giraffe and then the bear will be chasing the giraffe trying to bite it and it will succeed at some point. And he's literally just running around like, oh no, oh no, oh no.

Or he'll stage like accidents. He has like trains and stuff. He'll put an animal in front of the train on the track and then just slowly like, oh no. Oh,

That's probably good, right? I mean, I guess it's better than taking like Barbie dolls or like army dudes and being like, oh no. At least they're animals. They don't have souls. Listen, that's called being a passive god and you just let what happens happen. You know, you can't interfere. It's just going to get worse if you do that. If you do enough, sometimes people won't know you did anything at all.

That's another Futurama reference. Really packing those in these last couple episodes. I'm going to watch that show again. If you've never seen that episode of Futurama, man, is that a good one. Bender gets ejected into space faster than the speed of light, becomes a god, then meets God. All good stuff. There's a nuclear war. There's a porn theater. It's good stuff.

Should we move on to the topic? Sure. We're going to be guessing. You guys ready to guess some stuff? Oh, boy. When you guess who, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have a list of paradoxes. Paradoxi? So weird. I was just telling Mark when you were gone that I was looking at paradoxes. Well, you did your last episode about time. It's kind of a paradoxical thing we were discussing. Anyway, I...

I have a list of paradoxes and brief explanations of them. All I'm going to give you is the name of them. And I would like you to give me your best guess as to what the paradox is. And, uh,

either the most correct or the best answer for other reasons will win. So you'll each get a shot to tell me what each paradox is. And you might know some of these. If you know... I know some of these, but I don't know them by name. If you know paradoxes, you might know some of these. But anyway, we'll start off fairly easy. I don't know if easy is a fair way to say it, but... Oh, I should flip something to see who goes first.

I'm going to flip my fidget toy. Mark is concave. Wade is convex. Wade goes first. All right. What is the Pinocchio paradox? I actually don't know this one. All right. So Pinocchio, he's a little wooden boy. When he lies, his nose grows. That's true. Pinocchio paradox is if Pinocchio keeps lying and his nose keeps

keeps growing infinitely how much mass is being taken away from the rest of the universe to make his nose will his nose eventually grow to the point where all of the universe is contained in his nose it becomes a singularity of pinocchio nose i'm curious how in your mind his nose is stealing matter from the universe around him and converting it into nose well it keeps growing and mass can't just be

created out of nowhere matter can't be created or destroyed right it's there is a conservation law of conservation theoretically if it got long enough I feel like there's a few steps removed from he's made a wood and it's pulling from wood from the rest of him versus it's sucking mass from everything around him and converting it into no

Is that canon, though? Pinocchio doesn't, like, get shorter when his nose gets longer or anything. Like, I don't know. We don't see what's inside him. It could pull from a nose deposit that is tracking all the way through his body. A hyper-dense deposit of nose wood. It's just extruded. Pinocchio, do you like that? Do you like that, babe? Where'd it go? Yeah, I like that. Ha ha ha!

All right. Well, that went in a weird direction. Anyway. Okay. Pinocchio paradox. Pinocchio lies infinitely. His nose consumes the universe. The Pinocchio paradox is when there are two Pinocchios standing at a door and one of them goes like, I am the Pinocchio that guards this gate. One of us tells only truths. One of us tells only lies. One of us speaks in riddles. One of us speaks in rhymes.

And then you have to guess which one's the liar, but it's obvious because his nose will grow. Yeah, that sounds like there's a giveaway on that one. That's why it's a paradox, right? It's a terrible puzzle because it's easily solvable. That's the paradox part.

Nailed it. Well, I could confidently say that neither of you got that correct, but both of you gave me really good answers that I'm having a hard time deciding between. To stall, I'll tell you that the Pinocchio paradox is as Wade established Pinocchio, wooden boy, nose grows when he lies. What if what happens when Pinocchio says my nose will grow longer now? Because it either...

is a true statement because his nose grows longer or is a lie which makes his nose grow longer which makes the statement true again it's just a version of the liar's paradox really but i gotta say i thought wade had it locked in i really fucking like mark mark's answer i was like man i know the liar's paradox i know the double liar's paradox i don't know pinocchio's

Don't worry, Wade. Mark wins that one, but you get the point anyway. Mark's bold strategy. Based on that one, this is only going to go better because the names definitely get funnier and not more

more serious uh what is russell's paradox russell's paradox and mark goes first technically on this one the only paradox there is how his parents thought it was a good idea to name him russell what kind of name is russell russell's paradox is when you look at this guy and you're like oh man he looks like he's got a cool name and then he says i'm russell and you're like rough heart

Go away. And you know, that's Russell's paradox. How can someone be walking with a name like Russell? And Russell is not going to like that answer. Or Russell's. To all the Russells watching, I'm sorry. Well, no one likes Russell anyway, so no one cares about Russell's opinion. I had a family. I had a family named Russell, but it's cool. Did he suck as much as it sounds like he did? Sounds like he was worthless. He's dead now. Ha!

You can be honest, he won't know.

All right. We're going to note that down. Wade likes Russell's. This is a weird reference, but I'm pretty sure the older boy in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is named Russell. That makes sense. It's about right. What a piece of shit. Oh, am I supposed to answer now? Are you done? Yeah. Wait, what is Russell's paradox? I think Mark answered that pretty thoroughly. All right. So the first Russell that came to mind for me is Russell Brand. And he's got like long hair.

Russell's Paradox is kind of like my version of the Pinocchio Paradox, where if Russell's hair keeps growing, eventually it's going to have to take all the matter. You're just really sure that one of these paradoxes is going to involve consuming all matter in the universe, so you're just going to keep going to that well? Well, as long as it makes sense. And I'm pretty sure with a name like Russell's Paradox, it's got to be something like that. Because Russell, I think, has two S's and two L's. It's already consuming the entire alphabet to make S's and L's.

Might as well be. I think Wade's proposition there just only backs his Russell Brand as a giant prick. Aren't you cosplaying as him, Mark? Right.

Oh, the hair. Let me look up Russell. While Mark's googling Russell Brand, I'll tell you that Russell's paradox was discovered by Bertrand Russell. Russell is his last name. And it is a theoretical paradox that asks, does the set that contains all sets that do not contain themselves contain itself? Ah, I see. I see him.

Okay. You were right, Mark. Russell's are terrible. Yeah, that sounds dumb. I'm going to give that one to Wade just so we can move on from the his blank consumes that all matter in the universe. And that was the one, Wade. It was that one. Yay, I did it. Wade, what is the coastline paradox?

The coastline paradox. I think this is another name for the hairline paradox. As time and or water continue to move in, it will slowly take away the coast, just like the hair starts to disappear. But the further it goes in, is it still the hairline or is it eventually the coast?

End line. What is the coast? The coast is ever receding. Wade is shockingly close to the answer. Do you know it? I do know this paradox. I do know this. Do you know the correct answer, Mark? It's one of the stupidest paradoxes in the world. If it's the one I'm thinking of, it's just so fucking dumb. It's so goddamn dumb. Anyone that says it like...

Well, actually, it's where if you try to measure the coastline, right? Okay, you have like a ruler. You measure the coast and you just pick a random point there and wherever the shore meets and you're like, okay, I'll go there. No, no, no, no. You measure the coast. It's like, okay, that's great. But...

if you increase the precision by shrinking the measuring device of your measuring thing, the coast, you'll always get a larger number with the more precise measurement of what it is, and it could be like, the coast is technically infinite, and I'm like, you're a fucking idiot. The coast is...

Obviously not infinite. It's the same people to say like well if you if you put a cat in a box or like the Schrodinger's bullshit That's fine. You mean my birthday cake? No, I'm not talking about that but it's like it's just like people like using the the the concept of infinite in a really dumb way clearly the coast has a Definite size it is not infinitely large because you can't measure

measure. What if it's a small infinity, Mark? There are different sizes of infinity. There's an infinite number of numbers between zero and one. That doesn't mean that this coast is infinitely long. It's so stupid. There's an infinite number of coastlines between San Francisco and L.A. Oh, it's it's just like I hate it so much because it's just such a

stupid argument to make and people will argue it to the ends of the earth. It just like, it has no value in terms of actually like communicating with the world. It's the same people that say like math is just the definition of the universe. It's like, no, it's not. That's your approximation of the universe. No,

It is such an egotistical way to think that the universe is simply math. That is such an egotistical viewpoint to attribute our flawed system of mathematics to the universe itself and say, like, we're so good and accurate at this that this is just what it actually is. And it's like, it's not. None of the current simulations or descriptions of the physical universe are anything other than approximations. Exactly. Exactly.

But if they used a smaller unit of measurement, they'd be closer to getting the real size. That's the problem with physics. You guys need smaller rulers. Right, right.

Right. You'll see that this coastline is infinite. Anyway, that's correct, Mark. Yeah. And I hate it. Some of it feels like it feels borderline philosophical. It feels like something like your philosophical uncle would do to you on April Fool's Day. Yeah. Well, it feels philosophical to me in that I've kind of come down on Mark's camp there. The discussion of it is the most like pedantic.

pedantic and useless thing I could imagine discussing about measuring a coastline, which is how philosophy feels to me a lot of the time. Sometimes philosophy is very useful and sometimes makes me want to never think about philosophy again. But it is a paradox and Mark got it correct. Hey, as someone who was there, I also feel that way. All right, guys, this next one, so easy because we talked about it in a recent episode. You

You both know this paradox. So let's, I'm going to do this one as a, as a lightning round for no reason. Just say ding. Mark, you say ding and Wade, you say dong and I'll just pick who comes in first. Ding, ding or dong in to answer first. What is the twin paradox? Oh, ding. Oh, dang.

What's that? Did you just dong as a joke or did you just think of it? Okay, I'll give you some dong points. Is it the Scott Manley thing where if one goes flying through space all fast and whatnot, the other one will get all old and wrinkly by the time that they get back?

I'll accept that. I'll accept that. We were talking about this with Wade's time thing, because we were talking about the twins where one was on the space station and one was on Earth, and the one on the space station was five milliseconds younger. The paradox of how time dilation affects the two twins if one is traveling at near light speed. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Are they still twins? Are they still people? Given that they share a soul, clearly not.

How did I forget that? We just talked about that. And you told us we just talked about it. We literally, I know this is the next episode, but we talked about that 40 minutes ago. That just happened. All right, I'm going to phrase this question in a different way. There is a paradox. Oh, shit.

Bless you. There is a paradox that another one we've talked about on our show. It was a little while ago now, but we have talked about it. It is the name of an episode of this show. Ding and dong your ways to victory. Who can think of it first? It is the title of an episode of distractible and it is also a paradox. Dong. Wade. The ship of Theseus. The ship of Theseus is correct. Oh,

Have you heard of the ship of Aegeus? Well, that's not even asking what it is. He doesn't know what it is though. Ding. Uh, if you have a ship and you slowly replace it piece by piece and eventually replace the last piece of the original ship, is it still the original ship? This dumbass is right. You might know rulers and coastlines, but I know boats. So what's the answer? If you know boats, what's the answer? Uh,

The answer is it lies in the eyes of the beholder if I gave you the ship of Theseus and you replaced it piece by piece for you It's the same ship if you tried to give it back and there were no original piece of it What the fuck is this isn't the same boat? I thought you're trying to make like a guy holding a bee joke because you emphasize beholder eyes of the beholder I know I really thought that was going in a bee direction. No, I just talked stupid. Oh

Okay. That explains why you're such a dumbass. But he carries a big stick. The eyes of the beholder. Talk stupid and carry a big stick. That's what Grandpa B.O. said. And I'm fresh out of sticks. Let's go back to the original format. And since Wade won that one, I'm going to say Mark goes first.

What is the birthday paradox? Ding. You don't have to ding. You already auto-dinged. Dong! Go ahead, Mark. You dinged anyway. The birthday paradox is that the birthday song was like trademarked or registered or copyrighted for so long. And so all these restaurants had to come up with their own version of it. And now it's gone into public domain and the restaurants still sing their own stupid version of the happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.

That's the birthday paradox. Doesn't make any goddamn sense. All right, Wade, what is the birthday paradox? Come on, dong man. If you were born on a specific day of a specific month of a specific year, and then you move to a place where your birthday was on a different day on that place, and you celebrate your birthday, but you celebrated on the day you were born here, but not where you were actually born. Is it still really your birthday? That is an interesting guess. I think that almost is even a paradox.

It's not what the birthday paradox is, but that's like the other birthday paradox. Ah, damn it. The birth don't paradox. Don't. What are you? Is this like a Homer Simpson thing? Yeah, it was kind of my instead of a birth date. It was a birth. Don't. Not right. That's not it. All right, go on. No, keep trying. You got this money. Don't. Birth. Don't.

No, come on, you got it. You gotta really try. You gotta mean it. D'oh! Ah, it's still a little off. Birth. D'oh! Oh! Oh, there was something in that one. Birth. D'oh! He's getting there. That's positive progress. Birth! Or... Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Nailed it. That was good. You did it. All right. The birthday paradox is that in a group of a certain number of people, there's about a 50% chance that two people share the exact same birthday. This is just a matter of probabilities. But I want you guys to tell me, what is that number of people? Closest without going over wins. Who's guessing first? Are we ding-donging? Wade goes first. Ten. Ten.

I believe it's, this was in the relation of when I heard about it or read it, it was like in a classroom. So it's like probably 28 or 30 people. Um, cause it relates to like, if you're in a class of other students, there's a large chance that someone else has the exact same birthday. What's your exact number? Uh, 28. Oh, I'm sorry, Mark. The answer is 23. Ah, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Wade, you might as well have just guessed one and just let Mark dig his own grave. I honestly almost did, but then I was afraid he would say two. Ha ha ha!

That would be the move. I should have thought about it a little deeper because I was following that strategy with the major points. But if you realize what I'm actually doing is the mark point paradox where I'm intentionally giving Wade points because it all falls into my strategy of being the lowest. So by doing the lowest, not lowest strategy, I would be against what I'm trying to do.

That's a point for Mark Paradox. But are points worth more that you win and give me or that I win and give me? I gave them all to him. Except for the one. Wade has earned all of the points in the entire episode today. I like this one. This is also like a middle school paradox. Guys, what is the paradox of Buridin's ass? Buridin's or Buridin's? Buridin's ass. My first this time? Yes.

Buridan's ass. Buridan's ass is not actually his butt, it's his donkey. Or mule, or whatever the fucking ass is. He actually had two donkeys that looked alike, but he couldn't tell them apart. So he named them the same name, by which making them the same donkey, even though in actuality they were two separate donkeys.

So the paradox is whether it's one donkey in a superposition of two separate donkeys with the same name, or whether it's two separate donkeys. Yes, because when he would take the donkey into town, people would only ever see that donkey. So in actuality, he had two, but people only saw one. So to them...

Buridan's ass was one donkey. Mark, what is the paradox of Buridan's ass? Buridan, the lesser known brother of Schrodinger, always jealous of Schrodinger's success, decided that he was going to take it upon himself to make a claim for his own fame. So he shoved his donkey, like what Wade was saying, into the hay baler and said, we don't know if it's alive or dead as blood was spraying up the back of the hay baler. Dear penthouse, we have died.

- I have no idea! It's a superposition. - There's no way of knowing. - I can still hear it, it might be alive. Coincidentally, it's both about the donkey and him being a jackass for trying such a stupid thing. - Is this pile of blood and viscera still an ass? I don't know. - Could be. The Burden's ass paradox is the paradox of a Burden's donkey that is equally hungry and thirsty.

And if placed exactly precisely in the middle between a stack of hay and a pail of water, the donkey will die of both hunger and thirst because it can't possibly make a rational decision of which one to go to first. Water. Obviously. But donkeys are stupid. And given that the theme of the Paradox of Bird and Zass is stupid, I'm going to say that Mark's was closer.

I'm going to say this is the last one we're going to talk about, and I'm going to give you a hint. This is the dumbest fucking paradox I've ever heard of, including everything we've talked about today. I'm ready. What is the unexpected hanging paradox? And don't think too complicated about it, because it's stupid. What?

I'm looking for anything that's unexpectedly hanging above my head. Nothing now that you have your blower. You're expecting it, so it can't be. You're right. Um, the unexpected hanging is...

God, I don't fucking know. I can't even think of anything funny that would be related to this. Make it about a well-hung dick. Hung dick? Yeah. That's funny. I answer hung dick. Sorry. What is hung dick? Thank you. Thank you for phrasing your answer in the form of a question. I appreciate that. That's a terrible answer, Mark. I wagered all of my points. All of them? Even the one? Except for one? No.

All right. Wade, do you make the same wager? I will also wager all of Mark's points. Except for one. Yeah, you know what? Okay, I actually think I know this one before I say anything. I think I know this one, or at least I know what generally it's about. Well, so you wagered all of Mark's points. I'll wager all of them. All of mine. I think it has something to do with like...

A king ruling over a village or something. And if everyone thinks that they could be unexpectedly hung at any given time, they're more likely to like behave in the kingdom they're in or something stupid like that. It has something to do with them literally having the threat of being hung hanging over their heads affecting their behavior. I think if this is what I'm thinking of. I'm sorry, that is incorrect.

Whoa. It just diverges a little bit from the point of this one, I feel like. The unexpected hanging paradox is a man is convicted of a crime and condemned to death. A judge sentences this person and tells the prisoner that he will be hanged at

noon on a weekday during the following week but it will be a surprise the prisoner is then taken back to their cell and the prisoner reasons out that well okay they couldn't hang me on friday because if it gets all the way to friday and i haven't been hanged then it's not a surprise i'll see that coming i know this one too yeah well then if it gets all the way to thursday it couldn't be thursday either

because I will know it can't be Friday. It must be Thursday and I won't be surprised. And the same thought process eliminates every day of the week because the prisoner logically is like, well, I couldn't be surprised and I wouldn't be surprised. And if it's going to be a surprise, then it couldn't be. And the prisoner gets stuck in this loop. Anyway, the executioner shows up on Wednesday and hangs the person and he's like, oh, and he's surprised.

That's it. Because he logics couldn't possibly. I see. I see. That's really dumb. Who did I give all my points to? Anyway, Wade, you wagered all of Mark's points. And mine. Except for one. You wagered nine points. So I'm gonna go ahead and erase nine points from you. How many of my own points did I have that I lost? You have some of your own points. Because I wagered all of mine too. Oh, did you wager all of yours too? Yeah. Oh.

You wagered 14 total points then, which you lost. So you now have one point. How do I have one point? Because you wagered all of them but one, according to Mark. And he gets to have input on what you wagered for whatever reason. Wait.

Wade lost all his points, but I'm going to say whoever wins this, whoever's explanation I pick gets all those points. And since Wade's was close, but wrong and not as funny or as stupid as the actual explanation, lean in towards Mark's. Why? Because Mark's answer was, what is hung dick?

damn it was too surprising never saw you cheat off my test which earns mark 14 points wait he's giving me all of his points and i'm giving him all of my points his points returned into my points therefore he's stuck with my points because they aren't his points but can he give them away because they're now his points are we in a paradox of points it's the point pair paradox

We have just relived, reenacted the points paradox. Yes, we finally got to the turning point of the episode. Oh, God. That's the last paradox we're going to talk about. Let's total up the points here. Wade, you earned points for NFL playoffs, unmagnetized truck, hair consuming the universe, dong, ship of Theseus, correct answer,

and 10 people to have the 50% chance of the same birthday, which was correct, even though Mark was way more correct. It was less than 23. So anyway, Mark, you earn points for sabotaging Wade. No small talk. Mark's caveat, which is the one point you had the whole time. Cleveland Tunnel, riddles and rhyme. No, dude.

What the fuck did I write? God, I'm weighed. Correct. Coastline paradox. You were correct about the twin paradox. The birthday songs in restaurants paradox. Mark Point paradox. What? Murdering Burden's ass. And what is hung dick?

That leaves Wade with a total of one point, Mark with a total of 15 points. But I'm looking here and in the margins, it looks like Mark has asked me to make sure I give all but one of his points to Wade. Knock Mark down to one point and give Wade 14 points. What if I give 13 and a half points to you, Bob? What does that do? It takes me down to half a point, Mark to one point.

and you to 13 and a half points. All right, wait, I'm not going to explain to you why you're wrong. I'm just going to do exactly what you asked. Wait, you give me 13 and a half points. I was at 14. You were at 15 because you already had one point. Shit. Anyway, continue. Bob has 13 and a half points. Wade now has one and a half points and Mark has one point. Maybe I'm in

the middle. We're setting records every single episode here because we have a new lowest score for an episode winner. With one and a half points, Wade wins!

Wait, how many points did Mark finish with? Mark has one. But what was the number of points you needed to reach? Apparently over one. Ah, fuck. Wait, what was the number? One and a half greater than one. Apparently Bob's 13 and a half don't count as a win for him. I declare as judge that I don't want to win. So I'm disqualified from winning my own episode. I bad math my way out of losing. What?

Wade tried to lose one to nothing and accidentally won one and a half to one. I was trying to get down to half a point, Mark, so that way I could beat you at your own game, but I had math poorly. This is what you guys made me do to the score, by the way. It's just scribbles. I can't believe that worked out for me.

I tried so hard to squander it. I'm honestly not sure if I got the correct answer, and I feel like that's the correct conclusion to an episode about paradoxes. Probably, yeah. I love that we had a points paradox in an episode about paradoxes. That's about right. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to apologize. I'm very sorry for what just happened.

I feel like somehow Mark got cheated. If you red flagged me, I wouldn't even be upset because I'm not sure how we'd get to the bottom of it, but that just feels fair. I wanted to end this episode with one point. That was my goal. So I don't think that I can challenge because I did end with one point. I don't know where those 13 and a half points went. I have them.

Oh, you have them, right. Okay, yes, that's right. But Bob can't win. But Bob is disqualified. I'm not a despot. What was the number? What was the number that we needed to get close to but over? You said you had a number at the beginning of this episode. And that was the basis of my whole one-point strategy, was because I knew you had a number. Honestly, do you want to know what the actual rule was that didn't even get triggered? The entire concept of this episode was, I have had this written down for two years.

Host an episode that is so blatantly unfair in Wade's favor that it's like comical. And if Wade comments a single time about anything being unfair, he loses immediately. You didn't complain. I was making shit up. I was just doing arbitrary bullshit. New year, new me. Neither of you complained about it being unfair, even though it was good.

unfair that was the most arbitrary point scoring I've ever done and I don't ever even follow my own rules I just happened to play the strategy in this episode of all episodes that I'm gonna give him all my points the one that Bob actually plays that's unfair Mark and I both decide to tank laughing

Because listen, as soon as Mark said he wanted to end with one point, I was like, I will give Bob all of my points, but half of one to undercut Mark at half a point. I know. I knew that's what you wanted to do. And the fact that you said 13 and a half was just so perfect. God damn it.

I was not even going to say that because I was just going to keep that as an idea and then come up with some even stupider premise next time I hosted to make it more unfair. I don't know. My head hurts. Somehow we made a paradox episode about paradoxes, which is impressive or something. I feel like we invented several paradoxes while doing this. Pinocchio sucking up the universe. Hung dick. Hung dick. Classic paradox.

the surprise hung dick paradox the birthday song paradox i really like that one because why don't they just sing does no one know do they not know that that's in it's public domain now you could sing the regular birthday song i have no idea you know what's the worst is some restaurants do it in four four happy birthday is a song that's in three and some people will just be like happy birthday to you

happy it's like they're just singing it on a rent it's terrifying can i get a texas roadhouse

Is that what they do? They do that on the birthday. If you go to a Texas Roadhouse and someone's birthday, they yeehaw, then they go stand around your table like six waiters and you're like, I just want a refill. They're all there looking at this person on their birthday. Yeehaw! And I don't know what they say or do after that because I die of dehydration, but they do it.

That's probably a song or I don't fucking know. I don't know what they say after the guy get the Texas Roadhouse yeehaw that everyone yeehaws and then they all turn to skeletons and wither away like Indiana Jones with the wrong chalice. We chose Paulie.

Well, Mark, would you like to give a loser speech? I am fulfilling my year goal of never winning an episode. That way I don't have to come up with an idea to host ever again. It's paying off in dividends. I can't wait to rack up another loss in the next episode. And listen, I can make that happen for you, buddy. I can deliver on that for you. Don't you worry. Okay, all right. Fair. Not fair, but fair is fair.

It's the fair paradox. The fair-a-dox. It's fair, but not fair. Wade, our deserving victor, winner speech? You know, I saw Mark trying to throw, and I wondered if maybe Bob... I wasn't trying to throw! If maybe Bob would be like, you know what, I am gonna make it the low score. And I developed a strategy early on that I thought was foolproof, but it all came down to bad humor.

human mathematics and how the universe is all math is stupid human mathematics so was mine so i'm just the epitome of humanity is what i learned today really thought i was going down to that half a point to steal the win turned out i fucked it up and somehow stole the win hey we invented some paradoxes today we had a good time i mean just want to say i wasn't trying to throw the win i i thought i was scoping out the true strategy by bob saying that there was a number and i was trying to get under it

In everything that you could have done, you didn't guess the strategy correctly, but you did make a play that was about as good as you could have played it to try and trigger the strategy. And Wade, for... Well, you don't complain that much, honestly. It feels like you complain a lot sometimes. There was a period of time where the tensions were a little bit higher with us. I just feel confused about what happened, and I don't like it.

But thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Listeners, if you think that you are confused because we skew towards the video now, that's not why. There was nothing on the video that explains any of this any more thoroughly than you got, uh,

I'm just stupid. Me and Bird and Zass, we're bros. Thank you, Austin Powers. Make sure you check us out on socials. You know our names. Make sure you follow the show. It's a plus button or whatever. Check button? No, it's called Distractible. Oh, yeah. Distractible. You know the name. That's the end of the episode. Thank you so much for watching, listening, and we'll see you next time. As long as the paradox doesn't prevent it from happening. Okay, bye. Podcast out.

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