The Even More Perfecter Crime
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The OG Degree Cool Rush is back. And it smells like victory for all of us. Good evening, gentle listeners and watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, mystifying Mark advises on OBS, then challenges the chaps to burgle a big booty. Belious Bob talks blue jackets and bangles, spies on birds, has bullshit braid, and bazooka.

Worthy Wade swoons over a prince, demands camera camaraderie, then streaks and self-castrates. From Spy Hard to buckets of shit. Yes! It's time for the even more perfecter crime. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted.

And enjoy the sh- And host us and ghost us and coast us and nail all of our dicks to the wall. I'm stealing a Weird Al's spy hard intro but giving it to you since you had no musical interlude. Oh. Anyway, hi. Welcome back to Distractible. You heard half of that song because the recording aren't really started. It wasn't meant for anyone but you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's the new- this is the new intro to the episode. The moment the recording starts, put that in. *laughs*

Welcome to Distractable. My name is Markiplier. I'm joined with Bob and Wade here. Wade, the musical master. Bob, just a guy, but a great guy. And these two are going to compete today. You've read the title of the episode and trust me, I've fixed it. I got it good this time. I know exactly how to do this. This is the 20 minutes that everyone wanted to see that got cut out? Yes. No. Yes. Maybe. Maybe.

All right, but before we get into that, we want to get into you guys' lives, spend a little bit. So what's new with you? This is probably not interesting for most people, but it's hockey playoffs. It's about to be hockey playoffs. As we record this, it's like the end of the season, not to date it too hard. Then the Blue Jackets are toying...

with everyone's hearts. If you're not a hockey fan, Blue Jackets are the Columbus hockey team, and they were pretty mediocre this year. It was a weird season. Our star player and his brother actually died tragically in the offseason, in between seasons, in an accident. And so a lot of the beginning of the season was sort of, there were a lot of memorials and like

I can't imagine having to go and play on a professional sports team where that occurs and then the season starts and you have to jump in and try and be focused on it. So it's been kind of a different season for that.

And they've done fairly well considering that that must have been on their minds for a lot of it and hard to deal with, I'm sure. But it's the end of the season. There are literally a couple games left and the Blue Jackets are literally doing the exact bare minimum to where they're not mathematically eliminated. But literally, there's another team that needs to lose out to the end of the season and the Blue Jackets need to win out to the end of the season.

And if maybe one or two other thing happens, we can maybe get the last wild card spot. And every day I'm like, I'm almost like, just, just lose. Just end this. This is an Ohio sports thing. Is it the Bengals did the exact same thing last year? Yeah. It's just like that. Like literally the odds makers are like the jackets have a 0.7% chance of making the playoffs.

And the Jackets were like, so you're telling me there's a chance? I know sports a little bit more, and it's not all of Ohio that's causing all these pains because the Cleveland basketball, whatever their name is. Cavaliers. Cavaliers. Yeah, they're a one seed, aren't they? Yeah, they're tied. There's two number one seeds. They had an incredible record. And so, yeah, they're doing outrageously good. Take that, LeBron. Yeah.

His team now sucks probably. Their third. They locked in the three seed the other day. I don't follow basketball. Isn't that where Luka went? The whole thing where Luka got traded and everyone was like, what? Didn't he go to the Lakers? And now he's with LeBron. Mark's not wrong that they were. So the West is set up where it was like a Thunder or like a mile ahead of everyone. The two seed, I think, was pretty close to locked up. And then like...

Three through eight was like a game difference between all of them. So it was very like, who's going to end up where? Until like a week ago, the Lakers locked up the three seed. But it was very contentious. But Luka is with the Lakers. I don't know who Cleveland star players are, but Mark is right. They are the one seed for the Eastern Conference, I think. All right. So yay. And the Browns in Cleveland, they...

They have people on their team. Uh-huh. And pressure their taxpayers to buy them a stadium for them to play all their good football in. Well, they lost one of their biggest star players. Cleveland did. Miles Garrett was like, I will not play for Cleveland again no matter what. I want to go to a contender. Well, I thought they paid him money and he stayed. What? No, he would sit on his principles. No dollar could buy him. Ha ha ha.

I could've sworn the whole bit- YOU'RE RIGHT! I remember you and me doing a bit where he did that and then like, "Nevermind, he's great!" "It's still funny!"

You're right, it sure is. I hope the Blue Jackets have better luck than the Bengals of beating the minuscule odds. Nah, they won't. Okay. But they will try. They literally will lose it. It's whatever. It's Ohio sports. I'll just go watch the Cavaliers. That's fine. Okay, fair enough. Also, I put up a bird feeder today.

Huh? Did you make it? No, it's one of those ones with the webcam in it. So we're going to get sneaky pictures of all the birds coming to eat our bird seed now. But I had to, I put up a solar panel and then wired it up and then put up the bird feeder itself. It's cool though. We're going to get bird pictures. Guys, bird pictures. Sneaky pictures. They won't even know. I assume. Unless birds understand how webcams work. Okay.

Everything you're saying is like perfectly fine to do, you know, birdwatch, but the way you're saying it, like sneaky bird pictures, they won't even know. It's like we're in their bedroom. It's like we're in the privacy of their home. The bird comes home, takes off its leg scales, and just reveals like hairy man legs, and you're like, I didn't know birds could do that. It'll be the first discovered case of birds actually having hairy legs. Leg scales? Do they have scaly legs? No, they don't. Whatever the yellow, whatever their texturing weird yellow... That's called skin.

Nah, that can't be it.

I'm pretty sure. Didn't they evolve from dinosaurs? Dinosaurs had scales, therefore birds must have scales. Okay, alright, actually now, given that I've eaten a chicken's foot, I guess it does have a bumpy, I wouldn't call it scaly, but it is probably a little bit like that. It has a texture, like skin. By the way, I don't recommend, I know people, it's a Korean thing, and probably other countries do, but chicken feet, they're like, it's full of collagen. And I don't doubt that. It's just really unpleasant to eat. No.

No, I think it's a Chinese cuisine thing too because I think a lot of, if you go to a traditional dim sum place, they'll have chicken feet as one of the

things you can get off the cart at the whatever. My dad likes those. I could never. It's too chewy and stuff. Like, I get it. It's good for you and it's a specific thing. I just, I could never do it. You'd have to be the type of person that when you eat chicken wings, you like clean that stuff. There's only bones left and even them have a bite mark in the end of them. Like...

You could be that type of person if you like chicken. That ain't me. I've got some updates. Ominous? Are you a doctor? You might want to sit down for this. I finished the Animorph books, all of them finally. And it was a series I started reading as a kid in like second grade. Like I was very young. I think it's probably aimed more at teenagers than it is like maybe like 13 to 17 year olds, you know, young adult teens. It's a very, very brutal book series. Yeah.

very brutal, very graphic. There's lots of like, oh, they clawed my back leg off and I'm bleeding profusely kind of like stuff. And it's like kind of wild for a kid's book. But like as a kid, I read it. It was like fine. But after reading the end, it's like, man, I don't think young me could have taken this. I won't spoil it, but like it's just it's very just there's a it's very heavy stuff that they tackle in that book series, especially like the latter half of it. But I finally finished it, something I started at like eight years old. So yeah,

It's weird being done with it. But that's done. I found a new gaming addiction. My weekly new gaming addiction. And I don't know if you guys are going to play it or not, but it's a game called Blueprints. It's like a puzzle mystery game. I just started recording it last week. I kind of took last week off from streaming and stuff. I tried to take a little mini vacation. And that turned into me recording like 14 hours of Blueprints instead. So yay, good job me. But I've had a lot of fun with it. You kind of like...

Build your own building and then there's all kinds of mysteries and secrets along the way and like each day things reset and you start over again. What was it called?

blueprints p-r-i-n-c-e blueprints is it different than the word blueprints or are you just saying it with a weird emphasis it is called blueprints p-r-i-n-c-e but blueprints is like a pun because you're building a blueprint so i see i see but there's a lot more to it like the first couple of days i didn't really know what i was getting myself into it's a very deep game with a lot of stuff going on in it you don't really realize at first but i've been having a lot of fun with it a lot

A lot of fun. And my last update is actually a plea for help from you two. I'm not buying you a car. And I don't know what I'm doing anymore because it's just been so long.

So I need advice. I think my camera that I've had for like seven years is starting to have issues recognizing that there's an SD card in there. I think like something's going on where it's like, because I've got multiple SD cards. I was like, oh, I need to swap it. This SD card is finally dying. But like, it's really being finicky about whether it's wanting to record onto SD cards right now. So I'm like, okay, this thing's seven years old. Maybe something's going on with the reader. Maybe it's time for a new camera. What?

is the new camera or camcorder to get in 2025. I always forget that you actually still press record on the camera and record onto an SD card. I haven't done that since like 2018. Yeah, even though we had a lot of problems in the beginning of it, it's been working pretty flawlessly for like five years now. OBS recording a double-wide image with your video going into it. Because you have your video going into your computer right now, like...

We're seeing you. Yes. You just put that in OBS. Can you record like two scenes at once? I just don't want to have like my camera placated on. Literally, you set it up so that you record two things. One of them is your whole desktop and one of them is your whole face. And it's one file, which is double as wide as a normal video. 3840 by 1080. And then when you edit it, you just go, nope.

And the other one you go, and then you have each file separately all from one single thing. Okay. Well, I might have to try it. It's so much better. It's so much better. And you don't have to change your camera because your camera's working right now.

That's fair. That would be a cheaper solution. It is actually incredibly cheaper. This camcorder was like $1,400. Also, if you want a camera, I'll go shopping with you. It's real fun. Not like we have a B&H photo we can go to or something that's super fun. There's a Micro Center which has some. There is a Micro Center. I'll go to Micro Center just for whatever. I think I might have to upgrade my graphics card because I do think my graphics card either... I thought a graphics card or motherboard or having some... Getting the tingles. What graphics card do you have? Do you have a 30 series? No.

No, no, it's a 4090, 4080, whatever it was. Well, you don't need a new one. You can't even upgrade it. You mean fix it? I think this one is... What's the new series? New series is 50 series, right? It's not out yet, is it? It's out, but I wouldn't do it. It's not worth the upgrade.

I don't know. I think I need to take my computer and to get looked at. It's just having some boot up issues where every now and then it'll launch up. My whole computer will be super laggy and I have to like go in, restart it. And then usually second or third restart. It's like, yeah, I'm fine. But I've had a couple of crashes during streams and like gaming sessions lately where something I don't know. It could be software, but I think there's some faulty hardware. I don't know. I don't know how to narrow down what it is, but I think something needs to be looked at.

So maybe not to buy a new computer, but at least repair. That sounds kind of like a RAM issue to me, I'm not going to lie, but I'm also not an expert on this. I figure maybe I'll take it in, but that means I need to go there. Yeah, going to micro centers is the best. All right, so off camera, I will have one of you help me set up OBS so I can record without having to use my SD cards. It will take five minutes.

It's amazing. It will save you so much time in dumping footage off your camera and then editors won't have to sync it up. It's really nice. I haven't put an SD card in this camera literally since we were on tour because I had this camera with me on tour and I was recording stuff handheld with it.

I'm guessing I forget what I record my game footage in but I recorded something that I have an auto Remux to like an mp4 or something right do you do the same thing with your camera should be MKV right yeah I think it's MKV do you do the same thing yeah it's the exact same thing all you literally do is change a couple settings in the scene and arrange your things mm-hmm

That's it. That means I should be dealing with smaller file sizes too, right? So my camera's files won't take like 10 years to transfer? Yeah, yeah. They won't transfer at all. They'll already be on there. Right where you tell them to be. I still have to transfer them because I drag them under the external storage, but yeah. Yeah, but that's like on your network NAS, right? You gotta click and drag it over to...

Oh, man. I don't trust anything to record to an external device. I record it on my computer, drag it over, then I... Oh, I do the same thing, yeah. This is the most pointless question, but I'm just curious. When you Remux, Wade, do you Remux directly to your final destination, or do you Remux it to the same spot and then copy the file from there to the final destination?

I do that one. I figured. You know you don't have to do that. You could set the destination when you do the remux and just be like, put it over there. Well, I think the only reason I do is sometimes whenever I'm doing bulk recordings, I just want to quickly go, go. I'll stop. It'll do a fast remux, then go. If I remux to the other one, it takes a little bit longer for that file to transfer to the Synology for whatever reason. Why don't you just do all the remuxing at the end? I don't know. I just have it set to auto do it. You can batch them. You have it set to auto? Oh.

OBS will auto-remux when I hit stop recording. Either way, it's all good, I guess. The remuxing takes very little time, typically. It's the transfer into the Synology that takes a little bit longer. I can't believe you're finally entering the 21st century of...

Of recording I would say that but I guess 2012 we were all using fraps and that was terrible. I only started using yeah fraps Then it was bandicam for a little while. Yeah, that's true I started using obs at the same time that I did this double wide thing and I realized like oh my god This free software is amazing. I just don't i'm the person that doesn't try new things If something's tried and true I stick with it so that my recording has not changed in like seven years

The tried and true thing was new once. It was, and that was very scary. What happens if you need to do something you've never done before? You just pass? I beg for help from anyone and everyone around me. Interesting. See, I love figuring out new things myself to an almost horrifying degree of where I will refuse to ask for help until I am pulling my hair out with how frustrating it is. I'm a busy man with a busy life and lots of stuff I like to do. That's true. I'm not.

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Alright, well, that's good. I'm happy for you. We'll help you. We will help you. We will help you. I hope so. But you know who's not gonna help you? Dad? Each other. Oh, okay. Dad? What did you say? He said, Dad. Oh, you're right. He can't help you now.

Welcome to the final form of the perfect crime. Whoa! Wow, what an intro. Whoa, that was close. That almost hit me. Uh-huh. All right, so I've gone through many iterations of this. I've dwelled on this multiple, multiple times.

And I think I've finally landed on a version that is what I've always dreamed it to be. And I want to start by setting the scene, all right? The Museum of Antiquities.

Perched atop a hill in the heart of an old city, there's a fortress dressed as a neoclassical museum. Its prized treasure, the Heart of Maboot, a flawless 1200 carat diamond the size of a beach ball. Actually, I have no idea how large 1200 carats would be. Okay, beach ball would be too big. I guessed wrong. There's a 1111 carat diamond that someone is holding in their hand and it's like this big.

So this one is like just a little bigger than that, right? Like a grapefruit.

It rests in a levitating prism of pressure-sensitive glass at the center of the atrium. The main atrium with the glass dome over top and, you know, it's literally floating midair, right? It's a 12-story glass chamber rigged with motion-tracking lasers that shift hourly according to a randomized algorithm. The museum boasts triple-layer defenses, biometric access on all doors, an elite guard...

of ex-special forces rotating every hour and a proprietary AI surveillance network with cameras everywhere that scans both infrared and has pattern recognition across its entire fleet of cameras, right? The atrium floor is...

is actually just a dead drop that goes 60 feet straight down. So if you see this thing, it's a glass thing floating midair on the glass dome above, glass box of like bulletproof glass where the diamond's how it's floating. There's a cutout beneath it where it just goes straight down 60 feet, right? To get to it,

is like a 10 foot gap, right? And it's up. So unless, and it's just out of reach, let's just say you can't jump and grab it, right? You couldn't be there, jump and grab it. You would fall. You would probably die. So the center, you have the pillar with the diamond. Then you've got this big gap. So the ground comes in like this. Yeah. There's a gap, 10 feet. Yeah.

And then it's also elevated on top of that? Yeah, so there's a gap and it's floating above where the floor is where everyone else would come in the museum. How high up from like the ground level? 10 feet up and 10 feet out.

In the middle. So it's like a... Is this some A squared plus B squared equals C squared shit to figure out the diagonal? Just say you can't jump to get it. You could get to it with other means, but... I can't? Do you know? You're right. Neither of you can. Got all that? There's an AI scanning all the cameras. It can see infrared. It can see normal. It has pattern recognition, face recognition, digital...

Dog recognition can separate animals because that actually can be. If you buy security cameras nowadays, it could do this. There is X special forces guarding rotating at every hour. And I'm not going to say whether or not that has a gap in between, but they rotate every hour. But assume they're special forces and they're pretty quick on that rotation, right? Also pressure sensitive glass, both on the roof dome of the atrium, both on the security thing of the diamond.

The heart in my boot. Is that all clear? It's glass, Mark. Of course it's clear. Bob, you and I are working together on this? No. That's the trick. You two are both fighting for the spot of the greatest criminal that has ever lived or ever will live. You both happen to be going for this particular diamond at the exact same time. And only one of you can walk out

with the diamond. How it's going to work, unlike previous things, it's not- one of you is not gonna be the guard. I'm the security. All of it. All of it is me. I'm struggling to get all this underway, and you too are trying to beat ME in terms of making it to this diamond, making it out. Now here's how it's gonna work.

because it's going to combine all the elements that I've loved from Nigh to Win and other various games that I have. So both of you can either do one of two things. You can take an action to get closer to the diamond. And it's literally like you have to roll to defeat each of these objectives or even get closer to the objectives.

There's a detection role. So once any of you gets detected or you get caught, it's basically game over. Your special time bracelet resets you back to the beginning. You redo all of your actions and you get to the next step. And each of you is trying to get to this diamond. If either of you get caught, the entire system resets. That's what it is because the game's up.

Okay, all right. Wait, no.

He's doing the thing. I was debating that. Whether it would reset everyone or if it would just reset one of you at a time going back to do it all over again. Right? I can't remember. Well, good thing you wrote it all down. Well, I didn't write it all down. I wrote some of it down. I was thinking of it. Let me just ask you guys. Obviously, you're probably very lost. I'm going to say you don't want it to reset everyone if you ever want this game to finish. Because all you have to do to foil your opponent is get yourself caught.

To drag it all back to the beginning. You're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, alright. So each of you independently can be caught and you would have to reset and try your actions except you could change the last action you just did. But every successful action still maintains itself, okay? Does that make sense? And we'll make them up as we go along. We're building a scene here and once something is a successful action then that's part of the scene but you have to keep going. Exactly, right. Okay.

Okay, and I'll try to keep track of everything. I have my dice up here. I have my wheels up here. You're still going to get random special spy items. You're still going to get random, unspecial, debilitating weaknesses. Do we get to bring anything ourselves? Yeah, you're going to get random things you're going to bring.

Okay, but nothing that we can't just have brought. You're the greatest thieves alive. I'm assuming you have the basics, like lockpicking kit, rope. Let's assume you have that stuff, kind of generic stealing things, plus bonus items. Wade, can you take your headphones off for like 30 seconds? Okay, take it off. Close your eyes. I'll cover my mouth. Anyway...

Am I allowed to get captured on purpose as part of my plan in a sort of Ocean's Eleven-y sort of arrangement? I will allow it. And how much of the layout of this building can I...

Free ball before like what's the leash on that? Because obviously if that's my plan, I'm going to have to sort of make up some locations and do some stuff. I was going to say there's generically like three rooms, at least three areas in between the entrance and this thing. Okay. All right. Okay.

I don't know why it really mattered if Wade heard that. I just don't want him to get any ideas. Alright, you guys rigged this against me? Let's do it. What I want you guys to do is, since Wade just did it, Bob, I'm going to have you take off your headphones, cover your eyes, and I'm going to ask Wade what his opening move is. What if I just turn my headphones off but leave them on my head? I don't know.

I don't trust Anna. I won't. I'll double you off. I won't listen. I don't trust you. No, because you're going to tell me the same thing. And that's just so we all start from this. We all know where everyone's starting and you won't influence each other starting because if you are both independently the greatest thieves in the world, you wouldn't consult each other or plan your plans based on the other ones. You wouldn't even know the other one was doing it. That's true. So I'm setting the stage so that this could interfere. All right, Bob, take off your headphones, cover your eyes.

All right, Wade, what is your opening move? Okay, so I've got to get into this place. Can you describe what it's like from the outside? It's very much like a beautiful museum. It's perched atop a hill, so there's no dead drop cliff. It's just at the top of a hill and a very, very sturdy-looking museum. I've got to go in the sewer.

That's great. I think that's enough to start with. Okay, Bob. Oh, he can't hear. How do we get his attention? We'll just wait a second. What were you guys talking about before? Oh, damn it. All right, Wade, now take off yours. Close your eyes. Yeah, I'll give you like a good 30 count. All right, so Bob, what is your opening move? What I said to Wade was this is a museum, a very sturdy looking museum at the top of the hill, but otherwise it doesn't look like it's a secured building fortress. It's meant for people to go in. So what's your opening move?

I am wearing a dark jumpsuit like coveralls. I have a big sack with a dollar sign on it slung over one shoulder.

And then a ladder that looks like it's about the right height to climb up to reach the diamond slung over my other shoulder. And I just walk up like I'm going to walk into the museum carrying these things. And I have an obviously fake mustache glued to my lip. All right, gotcha. All right, here we go. Okay, so here's the scene. Bob is going in the front door with a dark jumpsuit,

He has a bag with a dollar sign on it. He has a ladder that's exactly reached the diamond height and a fake mustache. Did you roll for that? Or did you just say you had that? This is how he's starting. So, oh, none of these are like crazy items. So I was like, yeah, this all seems fine. Oh, I didn't give you any of my items or anything. I didn't know we were allowed to do that. Well, you didn't say. You're going in...

All right. No, no, Wade, you're going in the sewer. I'm assuming, Wade, you have a sewer wetsuit. Yes, okay. You have rope and the basics. You got your bag. Wade's naked in the sewer. All right.

Alright, you heard it. Wade's naked in the sewer. I'm naked under my wetsuit. Nope, naked. Okay. You didn't specify. Bob was smart enough to specify dark jumpsuit. I like that. It's bold. Well, didn't I ask if we could bring our own items before? You're like, you get the basics. I said you get the basics, so you got a bag of the basics. I want my stinky wetsuit. Clothes are not included in basics. I will be naked in the museum. I don't care, but I want my wetsuit for the stink.

Alright, fine. Fine. You got your wetsuit, but you're gonna take it off as soon as you get up there, because it's stinky. Stinky. There's a lot of nudity in these. I don't know where I'm hiding all of my basic tools, but I've got them. Here's your extra tools that you guys are gonna get, alright? Alright. I know there's a lot of setup, but it's like I wanted it to be right. Alright, so let's have Wade, your first step, you're gonna get...

Invisible UV reactive... ink. That seems pertinent. Bob, you get... Dissolving handcuffs? Alright. Glass cutter. Is that Wade? Yeah, that's Wade. Nooo. Oh, wait! Yeah! I thought that was gonna say acoustic guitar! Alright, interesting! These are- these are weirdly pertinent to this robbery. Alright, Wade, your last item. Ooh.

Breakaway climbing rope. And Bob, your last one. Come on, acoustic guitar. Edible lock. Fascinating. To use on your dissolving handcuffs. And that's, okay, Wade, you have invisible UV reactive ink, glass cutter, and breakaway climbing rope. Bob, you have dissolving handcuffs, acoustic glass breaker, and an edible lock pick. Now, Wade, you have a debilitating weakness. Or benefit. We'll see what happens. Oh, benefit? Can it be good? It could be. What kind of good thing could I get? You said that. Oh, yeah.

Is it like he has to be wearing glasses or he can't see? Yeah, you have glasses because your vision is bad. If only they invented contact lenses. I can't take those in the sewer. Are you crazy? That's how you get shit eye. You have...

Epileptic memory? What the fuck does that mean? I don't know. So I put eidetic memory on there and I was like, what's a counter to that? Epileptic memory. So anything I have to remember, it's all like I'm an epileptic? I don't know what it means. You just have it. It's up to you. Oh, okay. Okay, great. Do you want me to spit again? Wouldn't the opposite of eidetic memory just be aphantasia? Uh.

I guess. No, because you can still remember things in concept form. But the thing about eidetic memory is it's like a photographical memory, right? Well, it's epileptic memory. All right, I'm rolling again. Fine. All right. You're fucked.

Hang on. Can I opt to just keep my epileptic memory and create the definition of what it is before we get started? I asked a chatbot and I got, epileptic memory is a rare and highly particular cognitive condition in which a person involuntarily

and vividly recalls memories that never actually happened. These recollections come in short, intense bursts triggered by sensory inputs like flashing lights, loud noises. We laugh, but also that sounds kind of terrible. That sounds horrible, yeah. I like this.

four toes Williams is because I put two toes Johnny on here and then I was like three toes Larry four toes William five toes Torrance and I was like and one you'll see above it is one toe to rule them all laughing

I don't know what the fuck I was doing. Would you write these at three in the morning after like a fever dream state? Dude, can I read you all of them? Because I'm just like, I'm really happy with them. So it was like, I started with lazy eye and I was like, you have a lazy eye. You have a focus eye. Heterochrome lazier, which is just you, both your eyes are lazy.

Heterochrome foci, which is both your eyes are really focused. Eyepatch, monocle. Heterochrome patchia, you have two eyepatches. Peg leg, peg legs. Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur. Heterochrome fetia, robot hand. Bald, ankle length hair. Sweaty. Heterochrome stenchia, which I think just is your stinky. Speak and spell, that's your voice. Ankle length, penis.

Boobs with the fur. Identic memory. Epileptic memory. Diving world record. World's shortest breath. Which way did you get that? Trypophobia. Edging world record. Echolocation. Never leaves home without it. Never leaves home with it. Wet and dry. Beautiful.

It's beautiful. You know what, Wade? You're getting another one. I don't care. What? I'm getting another one. Wait, so do I have both of mine? Yeah, you got four toes. You're fucking stinky as hell, man. You know what? I don't need the wetsuit then. That's why you went in the sewer. You're fine. You blend in. Wade, you get another one. What the fuck? You got a head of a graffiti.

What does that mean? I don't know, it was like, uh, I wanted to put two left feet. I think that's what it was. 'Cause you have two left feet. Man, that's gonna be really hard to identify with my stench, two left feet. And my glasses. You want another one? Yeah.

Oh god. I'm so focused. You have great, great eyesight. That's because of my glasses. Oh wait, yeah, wait, how does that make sense? They're focused with my perfect glasses. Maybe that was your eyes only can stay pointed in straight ahead. So you can only ever move your, you can't move your eyes except straight ahead. Do I have to turn my whole head? You have to turn your whole head. Ha ha ha!

Okay, I think I've got enough here. Maybe you want to give Bob a couple more? I'm happy with mine. I don't know. I mean... Yeah, he's good. He's got four toes and epileptic memory. What if I, right now, double or nothing? Double enough for the amount of things that you have. Unfair! All right, he's declaring unfair.

Uh, he's unhappy with the amount of disadvantages he's gotten. Either I'm going in with eight or we're both going in with four? What happens if I win? Uh, Mark will have to decide. Uh, if it's unfair, I'll give Bob the equivalent number that you have gotten. If it's fair, super fair, then you get double. Yeah, that's fine. That's right. Otherwise, nothing happens. All right. Here we go. Oh! Oh, tails. Ah. Oh, heads. It's already washed.

Alright, well, mine was tails, but... Well, sorry, Wade. This has been declared fair. You're wrong. Alright, well, you know, the rules are the rules. I believe in the coin. Alright, so, to reiterate, Wade, you're going in through the sewer. You do have a wetsuit, but nothing underneath. I'll leave that up to you.

You have invisible UV ink, glass cutter, breakaway climbing rope. You have glasses, and both of your eyes can only stare straight ahead. You're really stinky, and you have two left feet. Bob, you are going in the front door with a dark jumpsuit, dollar sign, bag, ladder for diamond height. It's exactly diamond height. It cannot be collapsed any further. And a fake mustache. You have dissolving handcuffs, acoustic glass breaker, edible lockpick, and you have epileptic memory. Okay.

Technically, I'm also four toes Williams. You're also, yeah, four toes. Very, I can only look straight ahead. I've got two left feet. I'm stinky and I wear glasses. Yeah. Well, you can turn your head. Just your eyes. Your eyes don't move in the socket. You just have to be like. Yeah. Can I voluntarily remove a testicle? When your turn, if you want to make that your turn. Oh, I have to do. I can't just go in with it. I have to remove it. We've gone in with everything. You had your chance. Who's going first? Tails. Bob goes first.

All right, Bob, the scene is set. You see the museum in front of you. You know the security system's inside now. You do not know Wade is there. You do not know. Neither of you know the other is attacking at this exact moment. You're both genius-level thieves. The weather was right. The time was right. The stars were right. Everything was aligned for this day to be the perfect day to execute this plan. What's your first move?

I just try and walk in the front door with my sack and my ladder, and I'm just gonna go beeline straight to the diamond room. All right, sounds fair. I'll give you a 50-50 shot of that working.

Yeah. You walk right in. Yes. The guard assumes that you're here for maintenance. You got your ladder. You got your big bag. He laughs at the bag, actually. He's like, that's funny. It's really funny. Anyway, go on in. You're flagged in. You enter in. So you're inside. Wade, your turn. I'm in the sewer? You're in the sewer. I use my glass cutter to remove my right testicle. See if that works. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You got a fucking one! Do I remove both testicles? You remove both testicles, screaming in agony. You collapse into the sewer, you fall into the poop stream, you start- As your testicles float off into the distance, Ratatouille style, and then they go down this little, like, pipe leading down. And you hear them scream on the way down. But they end up in Paris. So I just have, like, an empty sack? Uh.

No, Zach's gone too. I think it's just, um, it's not good. Whatever it is. I want to say, Bob, you hear and everyone around you kind of hears this strange distant... Oh! Oh! Oh!

You don't know what it is, and it couldn't be your arch rival greatest thief in the world, Wade. Alright, I'm standing in the diamond room. I hear the screaming in the distance, and that registers on some subconscious level, but I put it out of my head. I set down my sack, take my ladder with both hands, lean it up against the pedestal that the diamond isn't on, just below the pressure-sensitive glass, and just start climbing up to

to until i'm on top of the ladder like eye level with the giant diamond i will say that the diamond is in the very center of the museum and you're only in the front atrium oh okay so i'm not to the diamond yet okay okay so i'll say like you haven't made it to there i'll say like it'll take at least one more action till you're there all right well i'm doing then is same same stuff ladder sack

Beeline for the diamond. If all I get to do is walk through the next room, that's all I'm doing. I'm going straight for it. Works perfectly fine. 18. No problems. You have now made it to the diamond area. The guys guarding it are like, ha!

Nice sack. Oh, yeah, leave that there. Anyway, you're probably here for maintenance, right? It's about time to do maintenance. I think that was scheduled today. So go on in. So I'm standing in the diamond room now with my ladder and my sack. You're in the diamond room looking at it. You've got the gap there. You're ready to rock. All right, Wade.

I walk over to where my entrance to the museum is and I look at the grates that I need to open and I decide to instead douse myself head to toe in my invisible, well not invisible ink, but yeah my invisible UV reactive ink. Alright, 17. You did that. You are, I want to make it very clear. I'm not invisible. You are not invisible. You are not invisible. No. Bob? Bob?

I am now, I am standing, starting this turn, I'm standing in the diamond room. I set my sack down on the floor and I slide my ladder off my shoulder and I lean it up against the diamond pedestal so that the top bar of the ladder is just below the pressure sensitive glass and I climb up to get eye level with the diamond. You place the ladder down, it's a precarious germany, and you've climbed all the way to the levitating platform. Let's see if that worked. Okay. It's

Sadly, no. The ladder tips over, you spill into the void, fall 60 feet to your death. Mm.

And then time resets. Okay. Now all the actions you did still apply. So I still end up standing in the room. You will end up standing in the room, but please next turn guide us back in there. Yeah. And so maybe you didn't say this or maybe you didn't, I didn't hear it. No repeat actions is kind of the idea, right? Yeah. Don't do the same thing again. That action is decided. It will fail the exact same way. I don't get another roll on the, okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. It'll officially close off a possibility for you to do that.

Wade, the only reason time didn't reset for your balls is because there was no way that that could have caught you. I didn't have that reset. That's permanently etched. I'm glad to not have my sack or my balls back. Somehow in your genius, I'm assuming that that is getting you closer to robbing this museum. Well, one of them would have. I don't know that both are in the sack. You kind of took away my storage for the diamond, not going to lie. I didn't take the roll. The roll did.

All right. Okay. Okay. You still have your scrotum. I'll say you still have some of your scrotum. If that was your storage for the diamond, you still have some. I don't know. You know what? I'll make it work. Let's do this. I am now ball-less and underneath the entrance covered in invisible ink. That doesn't make me invisible, but you can't see the ink. Nope. You can't. I go up to open the grate. Where does that take me out? Let's assume it takes you out in...

a bathroom or something or a janitor's area somewhere back where there would be a drain like one of the kitchens or one of the like cleaning rooms in the back it's a utilitarian room but it's within the the normal uh

Public area that they go to you're behind enemy lines. Let's say that I pop out I think about rinsing myself off that I remember I covered myself in my ink I don't want to waste it So I'll keep the stench and I try to make my way stealthily to the diamond room Okay, so you're climbing up and you're stealthily crossing this room. Let's see if this works

They could win. Shockingly, it does. 18. There's no one there. You knew that this was the perfect time. Not only did the guards shift at this time, the kitchen staff were shifting out for third shift to come in. No one's there. No one can smell you. No one can see you. You're on your way. You are making it. I'll say you're making it towards the diamond room because Bob had to get in and then to the diamond room. But I'll say you're right there. You can see it through a gap in a doorway. All right.

Bob, you smell something faint. You smell something sewer-y, you smell something really reeking of a horrible eye-stinging chemical, but just the faintest notes of it starting to waft. My plan's coming together. I'm standing in the diamond room. I set down my ladder and my sack, and I get out my acoustic glass breaker, which looks like a shoulder-mounted bazooka.

I get it out and I obnoxiously, I get it out. Like I pull it out of my pant leg and get it on my shoulder and just like, and I powered on and it goes and it like starts building and I aim it up at the diamond and I'm just like, like standing and I'm going to shatter the glass that contains the diamond. All right. I let's see.

You got a one, man. Oh, no. All right. I don't know why. No one knows why, but as it builds up, you were holding it backwards. You didn't really know what it was all about. The two guards behind you are like, that's a weird doohickey. They get evaporated. Just... And then...

Just gone. And so also all the glass from here to the very front of the entire museum is just absolutely bored through. I'm going to go ahead and say that that's a reset-worthy event. I opened my escape route perfectly. What do you mean? What?

Maybe the rule is ones stay whatever happens on the ones. I'm okay with weights one. Weights one stayed. Weights one stayed. All right. So yeah, you held it backwards. You just have to make it bad enough that the one stays and it's a huge detriment to the whole situation.

Yep, there's now every piece of glass from you back to the front entrance is broken. The two guards from behind you are evaporated into a mist and everyone behind you is now just clutching their ears like, ah, ah.

And also you're really hurting. Your ears are really hurting from that. So you, you're not deaf, but your ears are ringing, saving private Ryan style. It'll come back in a, let's say in one turn after the, after your next turn, it'll come back. Also, it triggers an epileptic memory. I'll let you decide what that does.

Alright, Wade, you hear the most cacophonous explosive sound you could possibly ever hear. Uh, not only do you escape it, though, you know what the technology is that did it.

I'll let you draw whatever conclusions that is, but you know that tech. Bobo Bagsack must be here. It's not what I prefer to be called. I take a moment to now clear the shit and piss out of my ears, now knowing that I'm safe, most likely, and I make my way to the diamond room. Do I have to roll to get to the diamond room from here? I...

Man, I think so, just out of fairness to Bob, but... Okay, we've done a lot of detriments for his action. Let's just see if there's anything in your way getting there after that. Maybe alerts heightened or something like that. Nat 20. Holy fuck. Oh.

man. You, the path is so clear to you. You, you saw it all peeking through the door. You saw it all happen. Uh, you saw what happened. Bob's like clutching his ears. He's in the throes of a memory. You know who he is. You know what he's doing. And you're like, Oh,

ah he's trying to get to that diamond before me so you get to the diamond room um no problem i want to give you another benefit i'll give you a plus one on your next roll of whatever it is because you got this i'll take it all right bob you uh you're deaf uh you're you're in the throes of an epileptic memory dear penthouse form i can't believe it happened to me

*laughs*

He's dead.

But so am I. I lay there, inhaling smoke, knowing what's going to happen, and... I'm back in the museum! What the fuck? God, I hate this disease! Alright, let's continue, shall we?

All right, that's a good turn. I won't even make you roll on that. Let's just assume that... That's my turn? That's all I get to do? Have a memory? Let's say you at least open your eyes and you see Wade doing his next thing. But he's already mid-doing it, so you're looking at him and you're like, Whoa, what's he doing here? So now you know. Got it. All right, Wade, I'm...

I have basic stuff like lockpicking kit and rope, but I also have my breakaway rope. So I throw my breakaway rope to go up to the glass platform. I make a lasso, throw it over there, and I'm ready to swing and climb. Alright, what is it grabbing onto? Around the case. Alright, cool. Alright, cool. I just wanted to be clear, because it's not like there's a fence around it or anything like that.

No, but I imagine there's like a thing that it's sitting on with glass above it. So it's like not the glass part, but the... It's a floating prism of glass with a small flat platform around it. Like a very small. Nothing that a rope would grab onto. Yeah, I'm aiming for some of them to glass or that platform. I'm aiming for something like that. All right, cool. Let's see. Oh, you got plus one on this one.

You did it. 12 plus 1, 13. You're over there. Bob's looking at you. I look, I turn, I wave at Bob. I raise my arm so he knows it's Stinky Wade. And I swing over. All right, so you swing over. So you are now on the glass platform. I will say...

The authorities have been alerted. They are on the way. In three turns, the guards will arrive. What happens there is not instant game over, but in three turns, the guards will arrive and things will get... Let's actually say in two turns, because it happened a turn ago. Guards are going to arrive and things will get exponentially more difficult from here. I still can't hear. No, you can hear now. You're good. It's coming back. It's like... Okay, good. I see Wade. I see what he's doing. I see him swing over.

And I realize that's a breakaway climbing rope. Do you? Don't I? Wouldn't I know a breakaway climbing rope? It does look a lot like a normal rope. I mean, I don't know if there's like a mark on it, like a dotted line. All right. Well, I actually doesn't change that much. I realize what he's doing. Going for the diamond. I take my ladder, heft it up onto my shoulder like a javelin. Take a running, like weird hoppy jumps that javelin throwers do in the Olympics where they...

And I scream. And when I do it, I'm like, and I'm trying to throw it directly at the diamond, shatter the glass that it's in, knock the diamond out of its suspension and land over on the other side of the room on the platform. I love it. Let's see what happened.

19. You fucking launched that ladder. I was gonna say if you failed it, your voice would crack when you screamed, but no. Not a crack. Not a single crack. It's just, and you hit the glass, and I'm gonna say it's really strong stuff. If that was a nat 20, I would say it would break it. 19 really close, it cracks it. But given that it's pressure sensitive glass, it has now set off an alarm.

Not that that matters much when everything else is like on fire and exploding. Does that accelerate how soon the guards get here or do we still have two more turns? Well, it would have been one turn anyway after this. So I'm going to say no. They were already on the way. It's not like they could get there faster. Okay. Or

Alright, but it's cracked. You may have helped Wade here, though. Alright, so you cracked glass. Man, I'm having trouble keeping track of all this, but you're doing great, guys. Alright, Wade. It's in here, don't worry. I know that my opponent, I've already forgotten the nickname I gave him, likes a big glass blower. I have a big ladder. He's all about the big, but I come in here naked. I pull out...

My glass cutter and I start cutting in to get to the diamond where that break happened. There's so much blood on that thing. It's not going to cut glass the same as it was before. Good thing the glass is cracked. There's blood on it? Didn't he use his glass cutter to cut a sack off? Oh, you're right. You did.

You don't have that anymore! Oh, it's one-time use? Look, no, I'll stipulate that he has it, but it's gotta be at a disadvantage or something with it, because it's all covered in blood and... That's right, you have already used it. It's slippery. It's slippery. Something.

I mean, he got a nat one on the glass cutter roll. It could have fallen off into the sewer and gone. All right, you reach into your pocket, you look for the glass cutter, and then you pull out just a tuft of pubes left over from you cutting off your balls. I wrap them around one of my fingers to protect the knuckle, and I punch the crack in the glass. You wrap a pube in the knuckle.

Hey, any little bit. Any little bit. What kind of bonus does that give me on this roll? Oh, let's find out. 19 again. Pubes of steel. Wow, you punched through that glass and you are within arm's reach of this diamond. I'll say your hand is on the diamond. Five fingers, one pube. Bob, it's...

It's your turn, but now you start to hear the shouting and the sirens. The guards and police have arrived. Every role has a disadvantage now. Well, I feel like this one shouldn't, but we'll see. I'm standing down near where the guards are coming in.

Quickly, I slap on my disintegrating handcuffs and lay down on the floor like I was knocked out and lay there motionless, handcuffed, indicating that he did this to me and now he's getting the diamond because I still look like janitorial staff, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, you are in a jumpsuit. That's true. I'm trying to blend in. I want them to not notice me. I want to be there on the ground like I'm knocked unconscious and handcuffed and they'll see me and be like...

Get that guy and then ignore me. - Okay, all right.

18. Rolls are good right now. That worked. Nice. Yes. Okay, so that worked. I also forgot the rules where we don't really roll on the items, but it's fine. We're good. I think it's still good. Oh, so I should have my ball! But I rolled for him. That's why I was like, I rolled for him, so I wanted to make it fair like that. I'll say, like, just if we do this again. Yeah, somehow we both got nat 1s on our important item usages. That's true. That is kind of weird, yeah. Yeah, anyway, so yeah. Bob, you are now...

On the ground, your hearing is all the way back. Wade's hand is on the diamond, so you think of the next best thing. You put on the handcuffs, you're down. The police are now running into the front atrium. They're not in the diamond room yet, but they are on the way. By the time I see your next turn, they'll be there.

All right. Wait, your hands on the diamond. You hear the police outside there in the front atrium. This pit below me. Is there any thing down there? Is it just like a flat bottom? Let's just say it's flat. No, no spikes. I died when I fell into it. So it's 60 feet. Yeah. But if I land, if I were to climb down there with my long ropes, would there be an escape down there that I would know? Your rope is from the ground level where Bob is to the, uh,

Yeah, but I've got a normal climbing rope. This is just my special item. You said we had normal rope and flock picking kits. That's true. That's true. That's true. I did say that. Wade is a very rope-heavy villain. I was a magician in a previous life. I pull one out my ass, the other out my mouth. All right, I'll say, yeah, you do have another rope, but I will say also, it's just a pit. For now. I tie the rope, and I go and climb down to the bottom. All right, let's see. I'm dead serious. You got a one, man. No!

I never learned to tie knots. You got confused. You put your regular rope on the way to the diamond. You have your breakaway rope that you're trying to go down. It breaks the moment, the moment you go over the edge. You die. Now I'm reset and I no longer have rope. You reset. You don't have rope. And since it was a nat one, I'm going to give you a negative one on your next roll.

Excellent. Guys, look, there's a bird on the bird feeder I put out. Ooh. It's a cardinal, guys. Or no, well, it's red, but... The Ohio bird. Very nice. All right, Bob, the guards have rolled in. And I'm going to say since you succeeded on your last roll, you look everything the part. Yeah, I'm like off their radar completely, right? Don't I fit in?

Oh, man. I'll roll for that. I don't know, Wade, if you fit in. I don't know. I'm just naked, stinky, covered in ink, hovering by their diamond and holding it with a bleeding ball sack. All right. Bob, assume they understand what's going on. They understand what you're trying to do.

They believe my story completely. They believe it, but what do you say to them? What do you do to guide them into whatever you want to do next? Remember, the diamond is still in the case. Wade died. He's reset. Next turn, he'll be reset. His hand will be on the diamond. So considering how time works in Weird Loops, his hand is on the diamond and he is there. But you just saw him die. But somehow you know. Maybe it's an epileptic.

I'm laying there. They come. One of them checks on me and I pretend like he stirs me. I wake up and I'm like, oh, the naked guy. Where do you go? He did this to me. He's so dangerous. You got to get him. It's vague. I pretend like I'm disoriented. Anything to get them all to turn their backs to me completely and focus on Wade and imply that he's incredibly dangerous. Do we need to see if that is successful or do I succeed in that? Because the next thing I do is is.

Another action. They already believe you. They buy the story. And honestly, Wade is such a naked, stinky distraction. I think they probably would have already been looking at him.

Okay. Thank you. Anyway, the only reason I want to roll is because you're embellishing already a good thing. If I did too much? It's like to see if you're doing too much. So I'm just going to roll to see if that, and you do have a negative one penalty overall because the entire scenario has a negative one now. Okay, okay.

No, they believe you. All right. Okay, perfect. This is great. But they all turned away from you. Not a one of them is looking at you right now. It was risky play, but it paid off. They're all looking at Wade. Every single police in the area. There's like a big circle of them now all around the pit. Oh, looking at you.

Wade now has another minus one. I forgot to mention that any actions directly against the other criminal can affect their rolls. I assumed. Alright, Wade. Things are not looking good. Alright. You have vivid memories of your death. Your confidence is shaken. I'm back up holding one of the two ropes. I can't remember which. I have my hand on the diamond. I shove it into my empty sack. Ha.

Ow. Yeah, that doesn't sound... I knew that was your plan, but just like the vigil is so unpleasant. All the police are watching you as you do this. I want them to see. Does it hurt him or is it like fine? All right, Wade. So you got a four.

Oh no, oh god. It didn't work your sack is in tatters all the police are like You scream in agony as you try to do this, I don't know they they shoot you or something. I'm dead again? Alright, I'm back. So you can no longer stuff it in your sack if that was your plan. That's okay. I've got other orifices. Alright Bob.

They're all looking away. You just saw something really, truly terrible. Yeah. But it reset and you're like, man, I had a weird vision that he tried to stuff the diamond. I'm putting that out of my mind. I'm ignoring that. Everyone's ignoring me. I stand up. I dissolve my dissolving handcuffs and I'm free. And as everyone else is focused on Wade, I look to my side and I see a closet on the periphery of the room with a placard on it that says maintenance. Yeah.

And I take out my edible lockpick and go try and jimmy my way into the maintenance closet real quick while everyone else is completely distracted. I have a feeling that that's the same place that Wade just came from. So I'm not 100% sure that that would actually be locked.

Wade, what do you think of that? Because it did sound like you come from the maintenance area if you came out of the sewer. So that door probably would be open. I would not have locked it. So I guess he could keep his lockpick. I think that door is already open. I'm not even going to say that you need to edible lockpick that. I stick my edible lockpick back in my pocket as the door swings open freely in front of me before I even touch it. You whisper, thanks, Wade, as you enter the room. Thanks, Wade. Ha ha ha ha.

Okay. Well, the point of going to the room is I had a thought. The container for the diamond is now destroyed.

and they're going to need somewhere to put it. I go into the room, and I grab the backup diamond containment cylinder, and I take that back out of the maintenance room. So now I look like a janitor who's carrying the backup diamond container. These police officers are about to apprehend the man who's trying to steal the diamond from the broken container. So I think we can all see where this is going.

I don't, that's, I mean, you can roll to see if I succeed at that, I guess, but it seems like a... Let's roll to see if there is one in there. It is a backup container in general. That's fair. That's fair. So close. It's a seven. There is none. Next turn, I'll let you improvise maybe to try to see if you can get one. I'll come out of that room with something. Okay, but there was no perfect replica of that container. I got contingencies. Yeah. All right.

Wade, you are once again, hand on the diamond. You got a weird ache in your sack. All of the police are shimmying up your rope ant style. They're just like a bunch of, they're just swarming closer. So the glass is shattered. There's a little platform that it was sitting on. Can that platform support my weight? You were already on the platform. Oh,

Oh, excellent. The police are all shimmying their way to me. I take a piece of glass and I cut the rope to watch them fall. All right. One. It's a seven again. I cut my finger off thinking it's the rope. No, no, no. You just grab your dick thinking it's the rope. And...

Well the sackless life is not worth living. So basically, you're like, "Ha ha ha." But it's- you didn't- that's not the breakaway rope. You accidentally put your regular rope there. So what happens is one of the police comes up and basically is like already climbing and just grabs your hand and pulls it off of the rope. So, uh...

It's not good for you, Wade. That's a reset, right? Yeah, I think it resets. So that didn't work. So cutting the rope isn't working. None of that's working. Okay, I got another idea next time. Don't worry. All right, cool. Yeah. All right, Bob. I come out of the maintenance closet with a really scummy looking mop bucket tucked under my arm. I don't know. I kind of just need to wait for Wade to successfully do anything before my part of this plan really comes to fruition. Uh-huh.

So I guess I... I watch. You know what I forgot about this whole game? The whole thing that I failed to realize is... You know how I said in the beginning, I'm the guards? I forgot that I'm supposed to have turns. And I do things... You're just doing stuff. It's fine. You're just doing it in the interstitial. I totally forgot that I was...

I was supposed to do that, but anyway. Next time, I'll have the perfect, perfect crime. It'll be- Oh, I can't wait! Alright, so it's just- I have unlimited turns till Bob can do something? Is that how it goes now? Alright, look. How about this? I'll set- I'll set mine up. I'll set mine up. Yeah, yeah. I walk over to the edge with the bucket, and I get ever- I get all of the cop's attention.

Now I'm ready and I go, "Hey guys! The diamond container, it's broken! Toss it over here, I'll put it in the back up!" Like I'm like prompting them to like toss the diamond over so they can arrest Wade and I'll have the janitor will keep the diamond safe until everything can settle down. So you're like, "Get it away from him! Please, he's a heinous criminal!" I have like a weirdly paternal relationship with the diamond. I treat it like it's my daughter and I'm like, "Don't let him touch her!

and put his bloody grimy inky stinky fingers on her. You got bad news, bub. That's not good. You got six.

all of the cops just simultaneously, their heads go to you and they start moving towards you. All of them on the rope are just like suddenly coming to you now. They're just like, hey, something's suspicious about this. I don't know what's going on here. Not a one of them is going to bother Wade. All right. One's one's. All right. Let's say the ones on the rope are going back up. The restaurant that are still around the circle. I'll look at you and let's say they're not coming at you, but they look at you being like, wait a minute. All right, Wade.

I really think I should cut this rope. I've got a better idea. I'm gonna grab a bunch of the glass shards and put them between my fingers. And then I throw them at the guards climbing the rope. Ninja star glass flying through the air at these guards. You know, I didn't... It's an 11.

And there's a minus one on the everything. Is a 10 succeeding? Is it more than 10 or 10 or more? Yeah, I don't know. That's your rule. If the dice is one to 10 and then 11 to 10 and 11 to 20, 11 to 20, it'd be a fail. If that's the case, it would be a fail, wouldn't it?

A really good fail. It's a good fail. It's about as close as you can. Let's say you throw them. It doesn't hit anything, but it gets really close. Excellent. Distracted him. Now I can really do what I was going to do. Okay. All right, Bob. All right. I'm standing holding a scummy mock bucket, and they're all looking at me. I'm a pretty good thrower. After the javelin success with the...

with the bladder, I looked out of the mop bucket and I realized this is just a bucket-shaped javelin. And, uh...

Is Wade holding the diamond right now? Let's say he did throw the glass. It's like up in the air. I'm saying if he's been resetting for the fail state, his hand is near the thing. But the diamond is like suspended and the glass is currently broken. Yeah, it's on like a little claw pedestal. So it's supported from below, but it's pretty much right there.

Yeah, I just stand there for a second, look around at all the cops, and slowly back away from the edge and assume, like, the javelin position again, and do the exact same, like, jumpy, runny thing, and then... Bucket, open bucket towards the diamond, so ideally, the bucket hits the diamond, contains it as it flies through the air, and the bucket lands, like, right side up, containing the diamond opposite side of the thing from me.

That's a hell of a difficult thing to do. Damn, 16. He did it though. This guy throwing, great. Yes. He did it. Wade, you see a bucket go...

Grab the diamond right by you. You go, and it's on the other side of the room, standing up. Oh, it's a thrower in college. Yeah. Okay. I'm letting you guys do whatever you want. If the dice decide what reality believes here, and that's exactly what happens. All these guys are climbing toward me, their heads making beautiful platforms.

I run across the top of the rope using their heads to get back to where Bob is and I've got two left feet. I've got practice with my weird movement abilities. I'm ready for this. I haven't exactly given you guys much in terms of your disadvantages. I think they haven't played at all this time, so I'm not gonna count it now. Hey, I had an epileptic memory. You have, yeah, you're right. I smell really bad and to look around I have to do this. You're right, yeah, okay.

This is a weird dice. 16 again. Uh, yeah. You go, "Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink!" You run across all of their heads. All the other ones are outside the rope, are still looking at Bob. So you go, "Doink, doink, doink," and you land. Ha! Right there. And I wave at him again and hold up the other armpit!

Oh, that's another action. You can't do anything. Yeah, they're just adding actions now. I get ready to raise my armpit! They see your muscles flexing in your shoulder about to raise. They get a bad feeling, a sinking feeling in their stomach. But it hasn't happened yet. It's only Bob. I don't want the other security guards to see me. Alright, Bob. The diamond is on the other side. You're within one turn of that diamond.

Where is Wade? He ran and he jumped. Is he like standing next to it? I pictured it. So the way I picture it is there's the diamond platform, the rope, a layer of guards and you. I feel like I'm on the other side of the rope behind the guards facing you. Let's assume the guards are kind of a dividing line between you two and it's equal distance to the bucket. Okay. Is the bucket inside or outside of the guard ring?

It's outside. The guards have actually been moving towards you, so it's kind of like a wedge in between you and Wade, and he bounced over that way, you're over this way. You have a... There's a way you could probably gun it to the diamond. Uh, there's nothing else to it. I preemptively unzip my coveralls all the way down as far as they unzip, and then book it to the diamond on the direct path that I can see sort of weaving through and around and whatever. Get to the diamond.

this turn ASAP right now. Okay. 17. It works. Yes.

You get it there? You grab the thing? You're good to go? You have the bucket? Are you grabbing the bucket or the diamond out of the bucket? I pick the bucket up and the diamond's inside. Okay, alright. You pick up the bucket, you have the diamond, it's in your arm. Wait, he has it. But the only way out is where I'm at, right? There's two doors this way so you have to come back around? Yeah, there's basically the way. Yeah, I'm kind of on the back side of everything now, right? So I have a long way to get out, kind of, is what I'm imagining.

The janitorial closet is open and unlocked. The front atrium is covered in glass, but it's open. So those are the two ways in and out of this room. I want to run to Bob. Do I need to roll to get to him? If that was your action, yeah. I want to run to Bob and I say, the only way we get out of this is if we work together. Okay, I'm assuming this is a trick. It has to be. I'm not allowed to work with him, but he doesn't know that. 12.

Ooh. By our rules, that does work. Yes. I run to Bob and I say those words to you. You don't have any other disadvantages, right? I don't think, just the minus one right now. Yeah. So you get there and you say, the only way that we can get out is if we work together.

And Bob, my god, looking around at the police and everything in the vicinity, you believe him. For some reason, I believe my arch nemesis in the moment. I know there's only one way. I take the diamond out of the bucket. I hand the bucket to him and I say, you're right. Fill this with shit as fast as you can.

And when he takes the bucket and squats down to start filling it with shit, that's what I make my move and just, with the diamond up in the air like Jack Sparrow style, like sprint towards the atrium exit just on my own. Because I immediately realize I actually am not going to work with him. Fuck that guy. I'm going to stop you there, Bob, because he got his role. Oh.

He got his role and he convinced you. That was the role of whether or not that would work. And it barely did. It barely did. Well, then I have a plan. I give him the bucket to fill with shit. And I say, just so you'll trust me, you hold the diamond while you shit. And I still want him to fill the bucket with shit. When I can't shit on the diamond, I have to hold it while I shit? No, you're filling the bucket with shit for a different purpose. The diamond's unrelated to the shit. Okay.

Okay, so I'm holding the diamond and I'm shitting. So you trust me. We're working together. If the roll works. Well, you trust me. I rolled for it. Alright, we're getting confused. We're getting confused here. Alright. Wade got his roll to convince you, Bob, that they would work together. Right, and I'm working with him. The thing that we didn't say is what you wanted him to do, Wade. Because you just told him and he believed you. Well, I kind of figured I didn't have much chance to get that much out. I had to run over there and say that. I'm

I'm working with him. I am trying to work with him. I gave him the diamond so that he can trust me so he knows I'm not going to run away with it while he's filling the bucket with shit. He's just already naked and I'm wearing overalls. Even though they're unzipped, it's just hard to get them down that far so I can poop in the bucket. There's a plan. Well, it got a 14, so whatever happened, happened. So the result of my turn is wait as the diamond and collectively we have a big bucket of shit. Sure.

He grabs his wetsuit, wrings it out as well to help fill the bucket, but he has a diamond. You're there. Police are all coming. They're right next to you. It's do or die right now. Wade? I have two different ways I see this going, but yes. So we're around a ledge. We have to get around the ledge and through the security guards. I stand in the bucket of shit and I say, push us out as I hold the diamond. What? I know. It's not what either of us expected. All right, you do that.

I don't even know what this is trying to do, but you got a 17, man. Here's my goal. Okay, well, I guess we already rolled. My goal was for him to push the bucket and then stop short of the security guard so the shit goes flying out around me and covers them in shit. Right. Okay, why did you have to stand in it to do that? I didn't want to walk.

Yeah, that was essentially my exact plan, minus you standing in the bucket for some fucking reason. But now I know that you're willing to push me. I know we're working together. All right, Bob, you pushed him. He stood in it. You were like, we're working together. You push him, tips over. He tips over with it. But yeah, there's no... I rolled a 17, so I'm not prone. I land, right? Yeah, you tuck and roll.

I guess. All right, I've got invisible ink and I've got shit boots. Excellent. I guess my original plan thinking was we would just take the bucket and throw it and try and make a line between us and the exit. So it would like part the cop because everyone would get out of the way of it. Or if it hit them, they'd be disgusted and be like disoriented for a second, which would give us a gap between

to run through to get to the exit. So assuming Wade's stuff all happened, basically that happened, right? But Wade is way ahead of me because he jumped and rolled out of the bucket of shit and I'm just sort of behind him, but that's what's happening. I've made the horrible error of having the police just like standing looking at all this occurring. I mean, they're all like milling around doing stuff. They're ineffectuate. I'm going to say that after this turn, like

Like, it'll be three turns till game over, and no one wins. Oh, we don't need three. Okay, three turns, Bob. I'm going to count this stuff. I'm pretty sure last time you said three turns, it was one. Three turns. Yeah. Well, that was until they got there, and then things are going to get exponentially harder. But I didn't make them exponentially harder, and I think, like, now we need to start. Let me clarify. Three turns each, or, like, one, one, one? It'll be one, one, one. After this one. So it'll be a dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk. Okay.

Okay, so we each get two more turns. Got it. I run to catch up with Wade. How I see it is we're going to run straight through the glass-covered atrium, but he's naked and crazy, and even though his feet are covered in shit, he's not going to make it very far, and we're on a team suddenly. So I had unzipped my overalls previously. I tear the top half of them off and tear that in half. There's a lot of tearing, and I offer them, and I'm like, put these on your feet.

so that he can run over the glass and we can both make it out unscathed. I'm like, I'll hold the diamond. Tie these on your feet quick so that you have shoes to get through the glass because I'm still wearing my boots. I'm not worried about it, but your feet will get all cut up. I'm so used to being naked and mutilated. I don't know if I need them. I use glass on my dick.

Got bad news? You got four. There was no time to do that. Please get you. Time resets. Now it's time to reveal to Bob my master plan. I start moving back, but I'm doing it backwards, which is probably stupid, but I'm confident and arrogant. I raise both armpits and say, thanks, whatever nickname I gave you earlier. And then I turned a bolt toward the front, the entrance with the diamond. I think the...

the general shit everywhere. I think that got lost in translation. Uh, let's see. Now. Five. As you go, "I trip over the glass as I raise my arms!" Time resets. Two turns left. Alright, Bob, we're back. That never happened. Alright. I'm standing behind the bucket, while you're standing well ahead of me in a pool of shit, and there's a big gap because of the shit towards the exit.

I see that my only chance here, because he's naked, he has no grip. For some reason he's covered in blood in his bottom half too, it's all bad. I aim towards the door, build as much momentum as I can, and try and like, half run, half ice skate across the shit as fast as I can right towards the exit, and as I swing past Wade struggling for traction,

I'm gonna yoink the diamond so that I end up with full momentum going straight out the atrium that's all covered in broken glass. I'm assuming you're doing the javelin hop before you... It's more like the long jump lead up, but very similar. It's like a very hoppy run kind of thing.

I'm so sorry. No. It's because of three. No. I'm so sorry, man. You somehow slip and slide right into the police arrest immediately. I'm so sorry. I wanted that to work so badly. I did too because I had another plan I was going to do with him. Wade, this is it.

Hail Mary. Last chance. All right, without turning around this time, I can't be too boastful, but I've got to boast a little bit. I go back through the maintenance door and try to get to my sewer entrance, raising only one arm as I do. That's it? Yeah, I just want to leave this time. Well, you still have the diamond, so let's see.

An 11. Which means it's a 10. Which means that doesn't work. We're gonna be the best of friends in prison, Bob. Yep. Both of your time watches go out of battery right then and there. You get arrested and put in jail forever.

This was not the perfect crime. Can I make one last-ditch effort? What is it? I have an item. You have an edible lockpick, yes. Just like in the comic-slash-Netflix series Lock and Key, I suddenly remember that doors can be opened anywhere if you only believe hard enough. And I take out my edible lockpick, and I just...

jam it into a crack on the floor and start furiously trying to open a door in the floor. Like, if it's not a 20, it doesn't succeed. I just want to take a shot at it. And if the door opens, I'm just escaping. I don't get the diamond or anything. I just get out. Wade? Oh, yeah. I'm all in. As long as I get one final escape attempt here. God, what is this? Hey, if you give a mouse a cookie... Alright, okay. What'd I get? I'm not sure. It's green. Ah! Ah!

What happens, Mark? Well, the game was over. I don't know what... I don't know. You fucking pickle. He got the DLC. I opened the floor door and I escaped. That's what happens. You opened the floor...

I don't even know. I open the door in the floor and light emanates from it dramatically. And I jump up into the air and then fall through it. And gravity suddenly changes by 90 degrees. And I fall flat on my back. And I'm laying in the apartment in Amsterdam that I lived in in my early 20s. That sounds right to me. And the door slams shut behind me and disappears forever.

Wade, do you want one last only a 20 will make it work roll? Oh yeah. Instead of a one, instead of a 20, can I ask the needle one? What, what is it? What is it? I decide that I'm going to use my combination of poo and glass to skate my way at the guards trying to, or the police trying to disable them all at once, which will allow me more time to get out. All right. I,

I shove my feet into the glass one left foot at a time and then sprint skid by turning my feet slightly upward aiming my toes to the sky. Can't believe that didn't work. Hey, that's a one and a two. Ha ha.

Shut up. Shut up. You see Bob disappear through the floor. You're arrested. No one gets a diamond. I don't know what I was expecting. They'll never keep me in prison. I smell too bad. All right. I let this one run a little long. I apologize for that, but that was very funny. But I want to recap the insanity of this so-called perfect crime for you guys.

And I need to tabulate the points at the same time. So it all started with Bob, you went in the front door. Wade, you went in the sewers. Bob, you just like coasted in both to the second door. Wade, you cut your balls off. Um...

Bob, you, you got to the diamond room. No problem. They all believed you. Uh, Wade, you ink on yourself. Bob, you, you tried the ladder. Didn't work. Uh, Wade, you got up the sewer. It was empty. Thankfully, Bob, you, um, through your, you, you used your acoustic glass, uh, uh, cannon and blew everything up. The guards obliterated. Wade, you saw it all happen. Uh,

you got the advantage there. Uh, Wade, you use your rope to get across. That's great. Bob, you had a penthouse forum moment. That was beautiful. And then Wade, you had your hand on the diamond for like 15 turns. Bob, you had the genius thing with the, uh, handcuffs. Uh, you tricked them into looking at Wade. Wade, you died. You died again. You died a third time. And then you, you,

You didn't die, but you didn't win. So Bobby had the advantage there. Bob went in a room, found a bucket, came back with the bucket, threw the bucket, got the diamond all while you were dying over and over and over again, ran over, got the bucket through sheer charisma, Wade somehow, well, he hopped across the heads, went over to you, convinced you to work together, and then just shot in a bucket and then stood in it.

I don't know where the genius was in this entire endeavor. I had a plan. I feel like it was self-evident. Mine too. Standing in the bucket was clearly not part of the plan. I know. That's why I had to throw a wrench in your plan. But that didn't help you either. It couldn't.

I could've. I can see now, there's still more perfection to be had in the perfect crime. I'm gonna fix it, and next time I'll have the perfecter crime. Editors, cut out the last hour and twenty minutes! No! Look, I drew pictures of what I was doing too. Wow. So I could visualize. I can't show mine on camera for legal repercussions.

Alright, so adding in Wade earlier, it's still funny. And then you're entering the modern era of YouTubing. Bob, you got the hockey heart tug. And then you got sneaky bird pictures. So before the wheel, that puts you at Wade 11 to Bob's 12. Oh.

All right. Okay. I'm going to say the addition to the wheel should be caused the most harm. Hurt your own chances. What's a good way to say that? Self-sabotaged. So you're saying there's a chance. Yep. I'm saying there's a chance. That favors me a lot. I self-destruct a lot on these episodes. So first, how many bonus points? Yep.

Two bonus points. If listeners or viewers get one, we could have a tie. Mark, you ready for the show? No, no, no. I just need another chance to do this. I gotta get this game perfect. Bonus point number one. Ready? Point for viewers. Yes! I just need one!

I swear that comes up so much. It really does, considering how many things are on this wheel. Uh... Oh... Follow this. Hey, Mark, it's Scott

You don't know that. It's fine. I believe in the heart of the everything. I'm ready. All right. So it was 16% before. This is so stupid. So now it needs to be 18%. And I need 18% of 360. So 360 times .18 is 64. I need to turn this to...

64. That's too many. It's a big red now. It's a pretty big one. You're right. You're right. Don't worry about it, Mark. It'll be fine. You only have 64 chances to have it happen. Oh, Wade. No. Look at this. Look at these spins. Look at this bullshit. Oh, yeah. Wow. Look at the history of these spins. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I wasn't on the wheel for every single one of those spins, I guess, technically, because I... But still. Well, it is what it is. Fortune favors the bold. Yeah, Wade, congratulations. None of you won the actual heist. I escaped. I feel like I did better than Wade did. That's true, yes. And you went back in the time to your apartment when you were 20, or you just went there?

No, I was just, that's the apartment I did live in. Someone else lives there now. That's where I ended up. I'm having flashbacks to some kind of event that already took place, but is actually in the future, where we escape from prison.

I am transformed from a European criminal to an American prison warden and then Wade and I have another face-off. Yeah, Bob gives up his life of crime and turns to punishing those who have wronged him, those terrible criminals. So yeah, this was a prequel. And I learned that cinder blocks don't float. He is really stupid in both this one and that one. That's true, that's true, that's very true. I had to leave.

I had to lean into it. You gave me four detriments. The coin said it was fair, so I had to lean into it. They didn't even have any problem for you. It was barely a hindrance. Oh, well, you're right. You were stinky and you were already in the sewer. What did it matter? I was just curious what was going to happen with all the ink you used. Nothing happened with the ink.

I was really hoping for some kind of like, uh, UV detectin' rays. I wanted to look like a beam of alien light. Unfortunately, yeah, the cameras were, uh, infrared only. Also, I forgot about it. Alright, anyway, uh, let's go with, um, Bob, your loser speech first. Well, this is starting to really pile on. Uh, I don't like to complain, by which I...

I mean, I think we all know I complain a lot. But just to put it in perspective, with this being added to the tally, I have now lost or not participated in four straight episodes. Five straight. No, four straight episodes. I feel like I'm showing up. I feel like I'm bringing my A game. I feel like it's really not paying off. So I guess next time I'll just be the Wade and you guys just do a two-man show. We'll see how that works out for me.

What does that mean? I'll just not pay attention and watch Shakira videos the whole time. I was locked in today. Yeah, and despite cutting your own balls off and trying to die, you still won! Eh.

That's true. Alright, Wade, what do you have to say for yourself? I only tried to cut off one ball. The dice spoke for me. And I didn't try to die. The dice spoke for me. I used the tools at my disposal. I was a stinky, shitty man. And I had to show that. But I think in the end, despite the deck being stacked against me from the start...

with spinning the wheel against me four times, which again, fair, I prevailed, only to show that you can go into a situation unprepared, outgunned, outmaneuvered, outplanned, with more brilliant strategy on the other side and still win. All you gotta have is a little stinky heart. No, your heart's stinky, alright. That's really well said, though. Congratulations, Wade, on your wonderful victory. Congratulations, Bob, on escaping.

And congratulations to nobody for actually completing this crime. And congratulations to all the viewers and listeners, especially viewers who got one point, for enduring another prototype perfect crime. Next time I host the perfect perfect crime episode. Stay tuned for that. Thank you for watching. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Follow wherever it is and subscribe to LordMinion777, MySkirm, and myself wherever you want, if you haven't already. And thanks again.

Podcast out.