Three Word Sales Pitch
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This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you just when you need it most? Hint, it's Uber. What about me when I show up to your house at 3 a.m.? That's when I get the Uber to sneak out the back and pick me up and drive me away. Yeah, it would have been really nice if you had told me that you just left me out to drive for no reason. Hey, Bob, sounds like you need someone to take you places. I need Uber. Whatever it is, big or small, Uber is on the way. So you can be on yours. Uber, on our way.

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Destructibles!

This episode...

Yes! It's time for Three Word Sales Pitch. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome back to every parakeet's favorite podcast that their owner puts on when they leave the house. That's right, you're listening to Distractible. I'm your host, my name is Bob. I get to host because I won the last one. We have rules here.

Well, that's kind of the one rule. If you win the episode, you host the next episode. And so on and so on in perpetuity until one of us dies or the universe comes to a complete heat death. We'll see which one comes first. It's a real close race on that one. Yeah, it's a tight one. It's hard to tell which is really going to happen. The models go both ways depending on, you know, slight tweaks to the parameters. Anyway, my competitors for today are Mark and Wade. Just like always, say hi. I'll prompt you this time. Say hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Good job. I was really thinking one of you was just going to start talking, but I instructed you to say hi and you only said hi and I appreciate that. You know what? You each get a good following instructions point. That's a strong start for both of you. I have a... I'm the host, which means I have a game we're going to play and it may or may not be any good at all. We will determine that at a later date, but we always start these out with small talk and it's been a minute since...

Since we've all seen each other, you can probably tell because our shirts changed, which means we went somewhere, changed our shirts, and now we're here again. So something happened, right? Right? Please, please tell me something happened. I was trying to think of what happened. I know there was something I was going to say during small talk.

I've promptly forgotten about it. No idea how many dozens of times I've done that. It was something I was like, oh, wow, this thing, yada, yada, blah, blah, small talk. Can you imagine if I actually remembered it right now? You'd be flabbergasted at how incredible my life would seem. I'd be giving you points. Imagine you giving me points. It's like the end of Gamer. You ever seen Gamer? Yeah.

Imagine me driving this knife into your guts. Imagine you writing down points for me. Imagine it. Oh my god, it...

It's working. I'm envisionationating is what I call it. Something happened. Anyway, good small talk, Mark. Gamer's the one with Gerard Butler and Dexter, right? And Michael C. Hall. I don't know why I remember their names. I'm really bad at names. I never remember Michael C. Hall. For a movie that I barely watched, like I watched passively, I really remember that movie a lot. I don't know why. I don't know why.

there's something about it that really I've seen it once I watched it on an airplane and it was one of those where I was like what's on here and I just watched it literally because I was bored on an airplane and I also remember huge chunks of that movie for no apparent reason remember them going face to face cable

And then Michael C. Hall starts singing the Under Your Skin song. The dance at the end. Yeah. I don't think that's how they dance, but you know. No, no, that was it. That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael C. Hall trained for months to do that exact move. He showed up on set and all the directors and all the producers were like, Oh. Oh. Oh.

What a film. What a cinema. Wild times. That's back when no one thought video games could be good movies. Now we know either that or differently. Chicken jockey! Man, have I still not seen anything about that movie except those two words. And I only understand that...

For some reason, people destroy movie theaters. Did we talk about this? I don't know that we actually did, but... People go into the Minecraft movie and when something about when the chicken jockey scene happens, they just fucking throw their popcorn and erupt into an explosion of bullshit and just trash the entire theater just because fuck those minimum wage workers who have to clean that up later. I don't understand why...

I don't know what goes on. I haven't seen it, so obviously I'm in the out group here. Great small talk, Mark. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wade, good luck. What happened to you in the last stretch of time? Well, we talked after I did the Hot Ones challenge, right? I played basketball. That was last Monday, I think, like a week ago. Last Thursday. So it was the 20th anniversary of Revenge of the Sith. I think I told you guys I was taking my niece that's local and my nephews, and we went to see Revenge of the Sith. So they were like...

seven of my family members in a theater watching a movie and it stayed quiet oh and peaceful and people like shared popcorn and stuff and it was like family that you think in theory of whenever you imagine people going to a theater it sounds nice and i've never had that experience before so i didn't know what to do i was like i don't need to scold or shoot anyone do i get to watch movie i

I get to watch movie and then the movie was over I was like I've been contemplating watching the movie the whole time that I missed it not actually but it was good it was a good experience it was fun to see I don't know there's some great movies right like I don't know that Star Wars is ever going to be like the number one movie of all time but I don't know that there's a moment that gives me chills or like gives me that like hyped up feeling more than being in a theater and hearing the opening crawl just like start to appear and like the

Like that feeling that first happens is pretty awesome. A long time ago, dead silence right to the trumpets and stuff going off is a pretty awesome theater feeling. So all movies should start that way for you, just like a synopsis of what you're about to see. Special Wade opening. I don't think it would work for any other movie. Like it's such a weird thing that's unique to Star Wars. Like you go to see the notebook and it's like, da da da!

It would work for Pulp Fiction because the Pulp Fiction starts with the radio. They're scanning the radio and you just one of them is just the Star Wars theme and it just starts and you do the whole thing and then it's like do do do do do do do. And then it goes right into the you don't have to change the movie. You just cut that in at the beginning. God, I've not seen that movie in so long. I thought the opening scene was in the restaurant. That is not the opening scene. I don't think. Is it? No.

Yes. No. It's in the car. Right. They're on the way to the guy who has the burger. I believe you. It's just also been like 20 years for me. Well, now you're making me question my reality. I'm going to give you a point for that. I think the quiet place should open that way.

They show the orchestra and it's just subtitles. It's like a subdued trumpet. No, no, it's full on. Just like you get a nice, quiet, you know, landscape. You've seen said, and then all the monsters come running. So it's like, it shows you if there's, if there's noise. That would kind of work though. It, it does the whole, it does the whole crawl into space. And then it slowly like pans down to the planet and zooms in. And right as it's zooming in and the strings are all do, do, do, do.

And it like fades out. Then it's just quiet for the whole rest of everything. This works with every movie. This is a great idea. Thank you. It was Wade's, but I'll take credit. Mark agrees. It's such a good idea. It's his now. All right. I mean, who am I to argue with the host?

Is Mark the host now too? Well, no, you just said that it was his idea now. I said that he said that it's his idea. Well, I agree with you. I'm glad we can agree on something. I didn't do anything else. I think Friday, Saturday, and Sunday don't exist anymore for me. I don't know what happened those three days. What does that mean? I can't remember. Like you're so busy or like you don't.

Did you get out of bed? I just can't remember those three days. You must...

I mean, you don't have to exist. I just sort of assume that you do. I think I do. I just, I don't recall those days. I feel like you should see a doctor about that if you just got sudden days. You know what? I did have one thing I remember now. Yesterday, not last night, night before. I had this weird nightmare. I've never had one quite like it. It was, the actual nightmare itself was relatively boring, right? I was like in a house and there was a teenage mutant ninja turtle. No.

No, no, just like a boy. You're right, it is boring. Go on. And he's like, you have to help me. My parents, something's happened. And I go to help him. Somehow I'm in their house, I'm upstairs in their house, and he's coming to me like, I need to help them. And they're like zombies or some kind of whatever, and I go to help. But it turns out he was also one, but he was just like playing like he was still fine, and he killed me. And I kind of like woke up like...

you know, like you do when you die in a nightmare. Try to go back to sleep. The same dream, but I tried to help in a different way. Well,

woke up after dying and like four or five times i had the same dream where i was aware that i was having the same dream and i was like well i gotta approach it a different way four of me are already dead like there's only so many more of me left and it got me thinking about like uh i don't know what if there's like a central you and a whole bunch of yous and other universes and when something happens to them something happens like the main one where he loses part of himself or something and i was just like having trouble sleeping because i was like thinking

Thinking about this but also the nightmare and there was this really loud annoying noise outside. I got like no sleep that night.

What was the noise? What was the outside noise? Wait. Never figured it out. How long did the noise go on? You didn't look out the window or something? Well, it sounded like it was construction down the road or something is what it sounded like. Just throw out there like, and all night there was this horrible screeching outside of our window. Anyway. No, it was like a weird, really noise far enough away where I knew it wasn't my problem, but it was close enough where it was annoying.

I don't know. I've never had a dream where I've approached it from different ways. Like, either you have the same nightmare or you have, I don't know. This was like thematic, like, back here again, like Groundhog Day nightmare. I've never had it like that. Sounds kind of like you're having nightmares about all the different ways your house is trying to kill you and destroy your life and all the different ways you've tried to fix it and not succeeded somehow. Oh. Mm-hmm.

Well, interesting small talk. Almost as interesting as Mark's small talk that he definitely said out loud and I didn't just make up in my head. Look, I did stuff. Oh, wow. There's a purple light. Oh. Whoa.

It's actively, currently three-dimensionally printing. Look at that. Is that a Prusa? It's the cheapest one that they sold on modelprice.com three years ago. It's an MP Select V3. The print area is almost four inches cubed. No.

It means I can almost print something that's of a usable size. No, I am. I'm, I'm, I'm sort of just getting back into the hobby now and I'm going to buy something new longterm, but I'm like, I might as well practice. I've got this little guy and he sees me. It was a bitch and a half to get him working. He sat for two years cause he sat after we moved and I just said, and it does not automatically level its own bed. Yeah.

Yeah, do that shit by turning set screws. And God was that miserable. But it's very level now. And it's printing pretty well. Also, I was originally using filament that I bought three years ago when I bought the thing. Turns out that's not good for filament. It was not in an airtight anything. It was just a roll of filament that's been kicking around my house and moved across the country. I think it had a little humidity effect.

And possibly bugs in it. And the printer didn't care for that. But anyway, you know, 3D printing stuff. It's fun. I'm like you, Mark. I make things, you know? I actually, it's funny because all the 3D printers that Prusa has sent are here and set up. And it was only after all of them were out of the box and set up that I remembered, oh yeah, I was supposed to film some of that. And then I looked at all of them finished and I'm like,

Shit. Start taking them apart. No, I'm going to put one fully assembled in a box and I'm going to be just like... I'm going to do it in like fusion or something. I'll just have like constant... Just like printer after printer coming up out of it. Like, wow, look at this. Just take one box and like hold it up like a box of cereal and like dump all of them out all at once.

Buy a big box. Oh, Lixian, do that. Just film yourself just doing that with nothing else. Be like, hey, Lixian, make a...

Can you make the printers fall out and then like bounce around and land in their spots where they are? It's so easy. Just, can you just, okay, for once. Just edit Mark putting one together. This is what editors are all about. Bob, I'm going to dump a box of 3D printers on your head. So here we go. Oh, they're smacking you in the face. Oh.

Please don't put a big penis in front of me, please. Please don't put a big penis in front of me.

Oh god, alright. As long as it's so big you can't tell exactly if it is or isn't a penis, we probably won't even get in trouble. Mark, you get a... "Jorkin' it" point. I miss our old Minecraft streams. We do that a lot in Minecraft? I guess we did make Smokey the Bear with a huge penis coming out of his black leather thong. You know how many times we try to do penis cannons?

Oh, that was a thing we did a lot, wasn't it? And it only worked the last time when we cheated because literally we had Zombie or whoever on the server just like make one that worked and we showed up to it and it worked. That poor man. We're just like, Zombie! We need a working penis cannon!

I cannot imagine why he ever agreed to let us come back or continue to participate in all of that bullshit. But he was a trooper and we would have had nothing without him. I mean, we would have figured it out, but you know. No.

We're intelligent. We were drunk. Good at stuff when you're drunk. That's true. Wait, you're the host. Yeah. Ah, there it is. By the way, I didn't kill someone, and this isn't like a fresh tattoo or something. This is just a scratch that happens to be in the shape of a teardrop right by my eye. I didn't kill anybody. Keep saying that. It sounds more true every time you say it vehemently. Is that what that means? I thought it was a thing mimes did. Is that what it was?

I don't know. Yes, they're both true. One meaning of, I think, the teardrop tattoo is in some gang cultures or some specific cultures that you get one for each person you kill or something. At least that's what TV tells me. One for each movie that made me cry. Yeah, you should definitely get... Start getting those. That'll be good.

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The OG degree cool rush is back. And it smells like victory for all of us. Anyway, you guys want to play a game? Do you want to play a game? Sig- Sigjaw, is that- Sig- what? Is that you? Sig-saw. I'm sorry, I had a stroke trying to say jigsaw. Is that Sigma Jigsaw? Sigma Jigsaw. I have a game and I have two-

different dice windows pulled up because there's going to be dice guys. Plus this game is basically stolen from our favorite collective show of all time and definitely not the inspiration for this podcast. Whose line is it anyway? Let's make a dice. I remember that one. No, no. Well, I actually don't remember what it's called. What's the show? What's the, what's the bit called where it's Colin and Ryan almost always. And they have like a box of random shit.

And they're doing... They're, like, selling it. They're like, look at this next product. Do you wish you had more hair on your ass? And then they have, like... It's, like, props. I could not remember what that show was called. And...

Could not be fucked to go Google it, apparently. Is it the one where everyone participates but they're like the ones doing the announcing for it or something? No, it's just them. It's like they're selling the products, right? So it's just a box of random ridiculous props and they just have to be like, "And this next thing and you'll need one of these if you're- you have trouble dropping your chickens when you roast them or whatever weird stuff." It's a very specific game. Anyway, you guys are gonna be selling me

Some shit. But you don't just get to sell me... Well, and since this is a podcast, which listeners have repeatedly informed me is a...

An audio medium. Apparently it's very offensive when we do visual-based gags. People seem to be quite bothered by that. You don't get props. You're not doing anything visual. You get words. You get three words, in fact. I have eight lists of words. Each list has a theme, such as food, or technology, or...

Six other ones. And, uh, each list also has 20 words on it. So I'm gonna roll a D8, and then roll a D20, and do that three times, and those are the words you get. Who goes first? I have my coin, and I also put that away for some reason, even though I had it just- You know what? I'm not gonna take it out of the case. Mark his tails, weight his heads. Heh. Heh.

The lady is up. Wade goes first. All right, Wade. So you're gonna sell me. And all of the words don't have to be in, like, the title of the thing. But you have to use all three words in your pitch. And Mark, then you're gonna use the same three words. And you have to sell me a better product or service. It could be a service. We live in a modern world. And the words for this round are... We got 314.

which is scoreboard. And then we have four and eight, which is pancake. And then we have four and 17, which is biscuit. So your words are scoreboard, pancake,

And biscuit. And I have a certain amount of time to sell this, or how does this work? I'm going to sort of feel that out. I'm going to start a stopwatch counting up, and when it gets too high, I'll tell you to stop. Okay.

Are you ready for me? You need a second. I'm just writing down to make sure I remember these beautiful words. The floor is yours. Shark tank me. We all know we love breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But sometimes waking up when we're a little bit tired and groggy, not so fun. So I have the new breakfast arena for you. We're making biscuits, making pancakes, getting some orange juice, fried eggs, and

It's gonna be a blast because you, your wife, husband, whatever, your children, you're competing to make the best item for that breakfast. New Breakfast Arena brought to you by me, the creator. Running around, oh, need some dough, better make it through the hoop. Oh, it landed right in the pan! That's the point for Team Biscuit! Oh, but what about Team OJ? They're pouring down the slide, better get to it!

Team OJ, oh, not quite in time. Biscuit's still leading. Pancake, where'd it go? It's flipping, it's flipping, it's flipping. Perfect landing! Score. Breakfast Arena, coming soon.

I'd eat that, play that, play that, I guess. You're selling the game. And I appreciate that you never actually said the word scoreboard, but there was scoreboard, which I will count. That's good, because I thought I said it. You said the word score. Thanks, Your Honor. Repeatedly referenced the scoreboard. I'll count that.

That works. That's good. Mark, are you ready? Pancake biscuit, and it's on a scoreboard. Pancake biscuit, and it's on a scoreboard. Pancake biscuit on a scoreboard. Pancake biscuit. Are we having a two-sentence horror story time today? Because I really hope we are.

I literally invented this game because I was like, "Man, Mark does really well when there are specific numbers of language things." "Instead of two sentences, let's do three words. Mark will crush this." I did! It's a reference! I'm gonna be honest, it was so awful that I immediately was dismissive of it, but it was so memorable that I've forgotten completely anything that Wade said and all I can think is the song.

I don't feel good, but all right. Wait, it was a reference. Was that a, was that a Tobuscus reference? Yeah, it was. I don't even remember how the original song went. Was it chicken in a biscuit? Chicken, yeah, something like that. No.

Nugget. Nugget. No, nugget and a biscuit, that's right. Oh, yeah. Dip it all in mashed potatoes! That's what I was doing. That was the scoreboard part. You know, Wade, you know. I do not. I never watched Tobuscus. I did watch him run around a convention one time like a psychopath. Didn't we all? That's how he did everything. Like a psychopath. Well, anyway, it was a reference. It wasn't just random.

I thought you just pulled that out of your ass and I was like, well, at least he has a tune for it. Well, hey, if I did, you know, I got confidence. I got confidence. Man, that makes you less creative than I thought. I don't even know what he's referencing. I just believe him. Anyway, I'm not going to say who wins each round. I was originally going to just announce the winner each round, but I like the mystery. And also, I'm going to have to think about that one for a while because it's really making me question this whole premise.

But that's okay. Mark, you get to go first in the next round. Can't wait. I can't either. Where the words will be a one and a three. That's gravity. Oh, good.

And then an eight and a nine. Oh, it's in the spooky words, Mark. You love these. Oh, boy. That's apparition. Apparition? Four and a sixteen. Sixteen. That's sushi. Gravity apparition sushi. Okay. Gravity apparition and it's eating sushi. Gravity apparition and it's eating sushi. Okay.

No, it's rolled into a sushi, obviously. I would make it a cannoli. You're allowed to use words that aren't on the list. Also, did I really not put cannoli on this list of food? Man, I don't reference anything ever. I'd be a terrible TV writer. You'll never guess what I'm Googling right now. You trying to figure out what gravity is? What is this?

He's like apparition. Welcome to the first sushi restaurant in space. You won't have no gravity here. You'll be eating your sushi floating through the air. I got the ghost of... Sato Takahashi...

a real dead apparition to cook you your sushi. Not a lot of cooking going on. Mostly just cuts it up. But he's good for a ghost, and you're going to be good for paying money for this fish. It gets sent up with a catapult in space, flash frozen in an instant, right into our back door. You get sushi from the water to your mouth, all in the first sushi restaurant in space. Come with your friends. Never leave.

Is that Ed Edgar Adopt-A-Lot Space Sushi Bar? Yeah, sure. I'm assuming that person is like the inventor of sushi or something? Is that...

No, I just looked up... I wish I had Googled that. I looked up Japanese last name. That's what I did. I could have... Yes, I could have. Who invented sushi? I mean, there's probably not like one person who's credited with inventing sushi, I guess. That's not how that works. Oh, yep, there is. Hanaya Yohei. I got the ghost of Hanaya Yohei. That would have been even better.

I'd go there. Listen, me, Katy Perry, and all those other people who went up on the penis rocket and go eat some sushi in space, I'm into it. How much does that cost? A couple million? Who doesn't have that laying around? Also, you know, it is quite fresh fish right out of the ocean.

No, yeah, literally the idea of catapulting the fish into space, it's just about as flash-frozen as you can get, I would imagine, if it actually... Can it burn up while it's leaving the atmosphere? It'd be perfectly tempura-ed. If... You throw it skin-side out and the skin acts as a heat shield, but then you get that crispy skin, you know? What a name for a porno, skin-side out. Skin-side... What is that, a horror porn? Ha ha ha ha ha!

A porer. A porhorno. A horno? Oh, ooh. Horn... Hornor. Hornor? Hold the door, hornor. What?

It's... No, he doesn't know that literally the last episode I hosted, we made fun of Wade for not knowing Game of Thrones because he couldn't say Targaryen. Let's keep everything I host, Mark. I think we need to work on as many Game of Thrones references as possible.

Man, it's like, for some reason, YouTube Shorts, which I deleted TikTok and then I started scrolling YouTube Shorts. And at first it was fine. And now it... I don't know why. I skip past them. I don't watch them. It just gives me movie and TV show excerpts. That's like the main short form thing, I swear to God. That's all...

That's all I get a lot of the time, especially on YouTube shorts. I get that in people dancing. You still get the dances? Somehow I've convinced the algorithm I don't give a fuck about all the dance trends on all those short forms things, but I get the TV clips. I get a lot of Bob Odenkirk movies, and I get a lot of Game of Thrones. You and I must have the same feed, because it's just that. It's Breaking Bad...

Better Call Saul and Game of Thrones. That's it. I see a lot of those too, actually. It's always the same three stupid songs in it to try to

It's a TV show and it's like a dialogue scene and then there's just a song that's like 300% as loud as any of the dialogue. It's good. I've watched most of the third season of Breaking Bad that way. Wait, did you want to do this one or you just want to concede this one to Mark? Oh, no, I'm ready. All right, I want you to picture the glasses holding like a stick, like a teacher's stick for a second. Teacher's stick. Got it. Teacher's stick. And...

Action! Are you tired of ghosts in your kitchen? Trying to eat dinner but they're on a mission? If you and your friends want peace like we do... We gotta try our new ghost trap! We're ready to assist you! Do you have apparitions in your kitchen causing you quite a stir? Well, we have the new apparition trap ready for you. It uses a gravity-based system that lures them in and we have learned a very unusual secret that ghosts are attracted to dead fish.

Therefore, we use sushi as a bait. We place it on the trap. The ghosts fly over, grab the sushi. The gravity well sucks them in and they're put in the trap, bringing you peace. And you don't have to leave the dinner table to catch them and you can enjoy your meal. Call us today. Who are the people on the side? You don't know that reference? What? Does no one here know references? That was the Ghostbusters bit. That was the Ghostbusters. When they're on the TV, their commercial. We're ready to believe you. I don't think I've ever actually seen Ghostbusters. No.

Whaaat? Not fully. I mean, I've seen pretty much all of it. The first one, you gotta see. It's quite good. Epic Rap Battles did a good parody of Mythbusters, Ghostbusters, where they also do the TV scene. A lot of references to that. Anyway, I got the reference, buddy. I'm glad. As soon as you started, I was like, ah, teacher stick. I didn't want to give it away, but I wanted to get the visual going. Those were surprisingly good. And I appreciate that you're both funnier people than I am.

It's all downhill from here. That's how I felt since we started, but that wasn't uphill. That was good. That was good for both of you guys. I was really glad that we talked for a while about stuff after Mark's because I thought of the idea. I was like, Ghostbusters thing. How does that go? I got to write a whole thing real quick. And you guys were like, chat, chat. I was like, yes, yes, chat, chat, chat. Game of Thrones. Great. Love it.

Oh, hold the door, whore door, or whatever we said. Okay, that oil baron character that Andrew Driver played on SNL in that one sketch. It's

drink from the soil's teat boy look at me when i'm speaking to you yeah that guy what was his name i remember hr pickens i can't remember hr pickens is the one who was grown into the dirt who is hr pickens exactly i want to be you when i grow up and so you shall bring it up driver voice actually got his you guys big mouth articulations i think what he calls a teacher marm and she's like

Okay. He comes in for career day if you've never seen it. Oh, I've seen it. I was talking to the audience. There's an audience member named Mark, too. Next words. I remember my small talk. The small talk interlude. Quick. It killed Wade. Oh, I wasn't prepared. No.

Nobody's prepared for the small talk interlude. It's really not that incredible. I just remembered that I remember what it was about because I got excited about something that you guys would probably find very boring. The title of this episode is Mark remembers at 38 minutes. Here's the thing. I, I, uh, for the longest time, uh, I've enjoyed this particular microphone, uh,

on my camera when we were using dslrs mostly to do it you might recognize this is a stereo microphone that looks like a v yeah so that one somewhere i've got one of those yeah i like it uh because you know i think that the stereo microphone it's how we filmed um date uh and um who killed mark blower and all those old ones like this sound was not terrible because we had that microphone on the camera and that was pretty much picking up everything and it was first bring to it sennheiser

I announced a new stereo microphone that is nothing like that one at all, but it's a better stereo microphone. All right. I got really excited about it because I like, I like stereo microphones and when I've tried to do the thing where you get two microphones in that are the same,

and you put them side by side for stereo uh but the problem is if you don't get a matched pair it's there can be differences and i don't know it's just like it's it doesn't quite work all the time because the signals can be get out of alignment or

I know there's hardware that can do that, but it's like a stereo microphone. Science, you know. Yeah, because I've gotten used to using boom microphones, and this is a stereo boom microphone, and it's quite expensive, but I believe in really good sound and whatever you're doing, so I ordered one, and it shipped. I love when stuff ships. That's very exciting. Man, the small talk was not worth interrupting. I remembered my small talk! Do you? Yeah! When you said the word shipped! My cars!

at port. Oh no. In Germany or at port in US? Germany.

Oh, that's not very close. It was assigned a carrier and it made me think they put cars on aircraft carriers I was like that's stupid. They must mean a different kind of carrier But I've never imagined the boat that cars ship on I was like is it the Titanic are people having sex in my car or is an aircraft carrier where fighters are landing You made the tight we did the Titanic joke the last time we talked about your car. Oh, it's still funny, right?

I mean, it was as funny this time as it was last time, so you got that going for you. But it's at port! It's built! So it is actually like sitting in a port somewhere, collecting salt, ruining the paint finish, corroding the electronic connections that will make it, uh, turn it into a lemon before it even arrives on American soil. Any day now. Well, how long does it take to get across the Atlantic these days? Like... Two to four weeks! Well, but how long is it actually gonna be on a boat where if the boat sinks, your car sinks to the bottom of the ocean, and that's about...

About the funniest thing I could imagine happening. In perpetuity! It's like a week, right? The crossing? Like four or five days tops? No, it says two to four. Expect two to four weeks for it to cross the ocean is what it says. That's like longer than the Titanic would have took if it made it. I think it's because it stops at other places along the way, like other ports across Europe or whatever. It doesn't just go directly from Germany to Cincinnati. Apparently there's other places in between. I'd say get that bad boy off that boat ASAP and just...

land ship it the rest of the way as soon as that's an option because you just know that boat's going to sink in a hilarious way with Wade's car on it.

10 to 20 days. They're only going to lose one container. They're going to drive past an iceberg and be like, oh, we're clear, Captain. And then the iceberg's just going to be like, and peel one container off the top. And that's Wade's car. It reaches in, grabs mine, and then like beats it against its own head and throws it. It peels it open and it's like, oh, Wade's car.

like a weird old hannah barbara animation glacier just out in the middle of the real ocean no what it is is it's the kraken but ships have gotten a lot bigger so it's just like trying to reach up it grabs one fuck you

It's old Kraken dying of old age. Fuck you. 30 years ago, I could have taken down the whole boat. I'd like to think your cargo container has weighed in a heart on the side of it just so we know. No, they actually got my name wrong. They put George, but they spelled it G-O-E-R-G-E. So it was like gorge on everything. You're never getting it.

And your car is actually sitting at BMW with a big thing on it that says Gorge Barn. And you go in and you're like, that's my car. I ordered that. You're like, nah, this is Gorge's car. You can't have Gorge's car until you show me a birth certificate with that name on it. We're keeping this right here.

Yeah, that's a German name. If ever I heard, I gave up on doing the German accent. Yeah, was sufficient to get it across. I'm with you. I'm with you. That's a German name, don't you know? You know, the Canadian-German provinces. Canermany? What part of Janermany is Canadian?

I snapped. No, no, Ka. It was Ka-Nermony. Ka-Nermony. Hold the door, Kanermony. Ya-ay. Ya-ay. That's all they say, ya-ay. Eek, I'm gonna hold the door for you there. Sorry.

Sorry, Minnesotan family. That all should have happened a little while ago, but I'm going to allow it because that was really good small. That was even better than I imagined. I can't believe we talked about those things. I've already blinked on all of them. Don't you feel bad about your microphone small talk? The subreddit specifically said, it was only one person, but I'm going to say it was the subreddit collectively said...

Your small talk where you talk about specific things that you really are interested in and know a lot about is way more interesting than when Wade and I talk about our lives or any like human family stupid bullshit. People are here for Mark's

obsessive hyper fixations and they're interested to learn all of the facts that he knows about these very niche but cool things that he likes. I think what they really want is for you and I just to leave the podcast and just have Mark have the small talk podcast where he talks about tech and lenses. That's kind of the vibe that I get from the subreddit. I'm not going to lie. I agree. Mark Mark's on board. You heard it here first. Do you want the dis the track or the tubble? We got to split into thirds. I don't want the tubble.

I am the Tibble. You can't have the Tibble. I'm the Tibble. Can I have the Tract? You look like you might have Tract. Can I just pick the inside words of things? What about Istra? Can I be Istra? Stop it on my Tract a little bit, but I'll allow it. Doesn't bother me.

Alright, Mark is Istra. Can you spell dick with distractible? I mean D-I-C. Yeah, that's basically dick. You spell distractible D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-K No, C-K-T-I- Move on. I'm gonna shut up now.

Oh man, he tried to spell on the podcast again. Wait a minute. Come on, Mork. Oh no, no, no. I got it. I got it. All right. Back to the matter at hand. It's Wade's turn. Your first word is marathon. Your second word is a six and a four. Uh, yep. Uh, drone. That's a good one for selling. And then your final word is bloodlust.

I know this one! Go for it. I'm listening. Do you suffer from terrible bloodlust and you find yourself needing gas-powered appliances quite often in your bloodless home? Well, I have the product for you. The new gas-retrieving drone can fly to the nearest marathon gas station and bring the gas directly to your door so you never have to see another being. Because if you look another person in the eye, you and I both know what will happen. Murder. Ripping of throats. Removing of hearts. Use the drone.

Save a life. I'm with you. I got a little lost because I thought you were implying that having bloodlust meant that you needed a lot of extra gas-powered appliances in your home, but you just meant that getting gas requires seeing people. You can't be around people. You'll fucking tear their flesh. Yeah. Uh-huh. And I used Marathon for the gas station. So brilliant, right?

Yes. I don't know why I paused. I thought I was fine. I just paused because I was like, make him wait. I don't need anyone's approval. I've got me, baby. See, alright, so I came up with my idea roughly the same time. Just to be clear. I just wanted to put that out there.

Do you suffer from blood lust? Yeah, Mark, that's a great different idea. Do you suffer from lust of blood? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Go ahead, go ahead. Lithium ion batteries will kill your children and your family and it'll poison your water. Don't feed those greedy lithium miners anything. Their blood lust cannot be sated. Hi. Hi.

Hi, I'm Ted Dingleberry, here to represent Marathon Gas with our new gas-powered drone.

Why waste anything on those stupid lithium batteries that take forever to charge when you can just... At over 30,000 RPM, our gas-powered drone can clear-cut an Amazon rainforest in two days flat. Hundreds of acres taken down, refuels every few hours with clean gas.

Burning gasoline! The new gas drone by Marathon! Don't fly it at neck level. How many people could it kill in two days? Literally, I came up with like, yeah, Marathon gas. Gas and drone. I was like... You know what touch I appreciate the most?

But just like with everything you do, you focused on the quality of the audio. I love that you pull started the drone and you gave it the old ring, ding, ding, ding. And then you were just like, and now I have to talk like this because there's a drone behind me. It's perfection. Thank you. Thank you.

Also, I love how your background is now the focus of your camera. It's just... Oh, yeah, we're on the... Mark... The camera's like, I guess he wants to look back here. He wants me to focus over there. Okay. The camera's got jokes out here. All right, Mark, you go first this time, and you'll be excited, because I think this is going to be our first word off the fantasy list. Ooh. That is dagger. Ooh, a good one. Ooh.

Ooh. And we have a six, a seven, which means your next word is gonna be robot. Oh. And then we have a seven and a six. What the fuck? What is this? All right. Which means your next word is going to be meadow. Dagger robot meadow. Don't Google Japanese last names. You can do better. You can't tell me what to Google. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

From the brilliant mind of Hidetaka Miyazaki comes the newest DLC for Elden Ring. What the fuck's above the Erd tree? We go to space. Yes.

Featuring enormous planes, meadows, and all kinds of your favorite fantasy elements like swords, bows, and daggers. But now, robots in space, you will be Elden Lord.

I can be Elden. Uh, no, that's so good though, because the first DLC was shadow of the air tree. So obviously the second DLC is what the fuck is above the air tree.

It follows on so obviously. I've already pre-ordered that DLC, I'm pretty sure. You know what? I'm glad you didn't listen to me and you Googled the one thing you always Google, Mark. I appreciate the commitment. Wade, are you ready? Ready as I'm going to be.

Can I tend the rabbits, George? Is a question we don't hear often enough because tending the rabbits is very difficult with all of the different predators that are floating around the meadow. You've got hawks, you've got raccoons, you've got bears, but not anymore. What you need is a dagger-wielding robot to protect your meadow. We here at Dagger Robot Industries have all the dagger robots, but hey, it's not all just about protecting the...

beautiful rabbits and squirrels and different peaceful species in the meadow we have another representative here uh drake ulysses uh law um yes it's a different track i do not live in the castle anymore i have moved my coffin to a peaceful meadow

People want to come with their wooden sticks and daggers and stab me. But I got one of your dagger-wielding robots, and now I am protected at all times. And he's not the only one, but we'll save some of the others for the other commercials. Get yourself a dagger-wielding robot today.

He's not the only one. They're not here right now. You'll have to catch our other commercials if you want. Other satisfied customers. What a good cameo, huh? I can't tell if I'm happy or sad that Draculissi's love came back. I

i have so many feelings about it if the callback bonus point comes up i have no fucking idea who's gonna whatever i think that's why i have i think i think it was funny but what you really brought me back to was the moment when that reveal happened the first time where i had such an absolutely like gut reaction to how much i was disappointed but also shocked because it was funny it's

It's a very funny bit. And I feel it feels mean. I can't just laugh at it, but it's too complicated. I'll never top it. I peaked. Probably.

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Let's do one more, but let's do five words. Oh, God, I'm not ready. Editors, if it's not funny, pretend the last one was the last one. Editors, if it's not funny, just edit their mouth so it looks like it's funny. Your first word is six and eleven. Upload. And then five and six. That will be...

and then seven and nine, which of course is rainforest. And then two and 15, which we all know is investment. And then four and one. Ooh, what's the first word on the fourth list? I don't even know. Casserole. Upload castle, rainforest, investment casserole. Okay.

Who gets to go first? I guess Mark gets to go first because of the way I've timed this out. That's generous of me. No, Wade went second last time because Ulysses loved... Yeah. Wade gets to go first. That's generous of me. Are you a property baron who's finding that global warming is ruining all of your investments? Did you have a nice house over on the cliffs but the cliffs have all fallen into the ocean as the icebergs have melted and water levels have risen and all of your investments have been flooded and ruined? Well, I have the perfect solution for you. You can now upload all of your investments...

into a nice little disc and carry that disc into other places, other biomes, other parts of the world, and you can upload them right then and there. Do you want a castle in the rainforest? Easy. Get your castle, upload it, go to the nearest rainforest that's not been cut down yet by horrible, terrifying drones.

and you can put your castle right then and there. We have a special one on right now where you can get three of these discs for the price of one. And on top of that, you get a 10-year voucher for all you can eat at any casserole cafe. That's any casserole cafe in the continental U.S., specifically in Alabama. Buy today. Now I just wish casserole cafe was a real place. It is. Buy today. Is it?

I don't think so. Also, just to clarify completely, is the technology that you're selling the ability to upload physical things onto a disc and then just like... Yes. That's a hell of a technology. That's quite the invention. I had the idea, then you threw casserole, and I was like, how the fuck do I add casserole to this? I know. Act now. Those always give weird things. I like it. Mark, what Japanese guy did you Google this time? Shit.

You shush. We here at Folgers are making grand investments to make sure every thick cup of coffee you get is the richest, smoothest flavor of coffee you could possibly imagine. Straight from the rainforests of Columbia that we have clear-cut for those local farmers who are really uppity.

to get out. And so, we've planted even more coffee where the rainforest used to be so that you can get more thick cup loads of coffee for your morning routine. And on that land, we're gonna build a big beautiful casserole. Sorry, I misspoke. A big beautiful castle.

So that we can watch over our lands and ensure that our coffee is never reclaimed by that pesky rainforest or those pesky farmers ever again. Folgers, we protect our investments. Best part of waking up is a couple of Zavasta.

cup loads of thick coffee do you like how i said thick cup at the beginning so i could get away with thick cup loads oh it's so well done that's such a good use of upload as a required word too i love it casserole i misspoke casserole poor use of rain forest sorry i meant it's raining in the forest oh man

God damn. God, I want a thick cup load of coffee now. You followed all the rules. I can't even be mad. I want to grab my coin, but like that, I can't even. Like, how could I argue? You used the words. There was no game playing or maneuvering whatsoever. He just did exactly what I asked him to do. That's what I'm here for.

The only people in my life who drink coffee are my parents, because neither Mandy and I really do coffee. I really want to just drop that next time they're in town or hanging out. Hey, you guys had your thick cup loads yet today? Can I get you coffee? Dad? Mom? Cup load? In your face hole? Go through the drive-thru at Starbucks. It's like, hey, can I get a thick cup load of coffee? Brought my own cup.

Sounds like a slogan, but it'd be like a Duncan slogan. Welcome to Duncan. Can we upload you a cup load? One quick click can get you a thick cup load. There you go, sir. Have a good day. Okay. God damn. There were so many just absolute gems in that one little thing. I can't. I'm still hung up on it. Sorry. I misspoke. Hung up in it.

in no particular order, let's go over what you earned points for before we get to the wheel spins. Mark, I'm not gonna lie, I was excited for this after your first go, but man, you really turned on the jets. He's not the host. What the fuck's going on here? Bob, you did great. Great episode. Oh, thanks. I had

I had to give him his flowers. We gave him so much shit for two-sentence horror stories. He did well. He deserved a flower. Honestly, I feel like we didn't give him very much shit at all. We just laughed because he was already laughing. And that was, it's a comedy show, so I feel like that was just very successful. Maybe just not for the reasons Mark may have originally intended, but it was very funny. It was a good thing I brought my spooky glasses or whatever the fuck it was.

Too bad I was on the moon.

I actually use that in everyday life. Literally, in totally normal human situations. I don't always say it out loud, but I think regularly. I'll just be like, oh, too bad I'm on the move. I think me and Amy use scary tape a lot, too. No, it was a scary tape. I use the scary tape. Oh, my God. See?

We did laugh, but it's because it was actually so funny we could not laugh. Also, you suck at that. You both earned points for being good followers. Wade, you earned points for questioning reality, sucking up, breakfast arena, Ghostbusters bit. I know this one! Drac Ulysses La coming back, and the casserole cafe that I wish existed. Mark, you earned the good follower point.

What in the fuck did I write? I know this pain. I feel it every time I look at my notes. Oh, no, invaginate. Okay, mark your points for invaginate, jorking it, nugget in a biscuit reference, googling Japanese guys.

Small talk interlude. Gas-powered murder drone. What the fuck is above the air tree? And thick cup loads. That leaves us with both of you having some number of points, and it being time to spin wheel. What's your addition? Well, let's do this one first since I already have it open, and then I will do my addition. Oh, please. Oh, boy. Oh, that's tough. All right, we're going to have one...

Bonus thing. My addition to the bonus point will be... Thickest cup load. Most Dracula references. I didn't actually have one prepared for this. I wanted to do something about the thing I wish actually existed the most from the episode, but that's a really fucking obscure thing to make as a bonus point. You could say, like, million dollar idea. Best million dollar idea ever.

Alright, I like that. Please be good to me, wheel, because you only get one spin. Wow, it almost gave you the best million dollar idea, but actually it was dropped the most items.

Oh. Did either of you actually drop anything this whole time? No. Mark's camera dropped focus. Why are you trying to give Mark points so hard? I just try to genuinely think of moments where something dropped. I don't know. I appreciate the honesty. We're going to re-spin that one. That one's kind of a tie. If anyone drops stuff, it's me because I'm constantly dropping my fucking fidget spinners I can't keep my hands off of.

Just want to be loud in case. If that comes up. Oh! Dammit. I like that! I know this one! Well, the one result was Wade gets half a point from the bonus wheel and that's it, apparently. Under-wheel-ming, am I right? Yeah! Freeze me in midair. Freeze, freeze, freeze! Yeah! Well, Mark either won by half a point or I dominated by three.

Let's say, Wade, for all the things I already listed out loud, you ended up earning eight and one half points. Yes. Which is either a very respectable number or not remotely enough. It's one and a half more than seven. That is factually true. Mark, for all that stuff I already listed, you earned nine points.

What's nine? Super nine. Yeah, Mark earned nine points. I was trying to think of a way to make it suspenseful. I figured you'd think I was going to say seven or something, but... I did when you went... I was like, oh. Oh, well, it didn't work perfectly. Mark earned nine points, meaning that Wade's half point bonus point was half a point too short to force me to spin the fucking wheel of torture. So Mark wins, and I don't lose. Hooray! Mark, winner speech?

Wade? Loser speech?

Oh, what a show it has been, but it's not about me. There's no more for you to see. And I thought Mark was going to do that whenever he said something. His start made me think he was going to do the... Anyway, good episode. It was fun. That was fun. I was worried. I was like, connecting a bunch of words. I don't know if they're not too related. What are we going to do? But I thought it turned out great. Great episode, Bob. That was so nice. I would have given you half a points for that. I wish I'd said it sooner.

Mark Goodwin, you earned it by doing more than I expected you to. Googling so many Japanese guys. Way more. My average Japanese guy Google search is up. You guys should have bought stock while it was low. Now look at you. Oh, I mentioned them. Googled the most Japanese men. Should have been on the wheel. Ha ha ha!

That would be a good wheel edition. Yeah, I'll keep... I'll definitely remember that. I was trying to make the joke to the Adam Driver sketch, but I can't remember the guy's... HR Pounder? CCH? HR Pounder. Anyway, congrats, Mark. You're going to host the next one. And congrats, Wade. I'm...

I'm sure it'll win again someday. Make sure you follow the podcast. That way you'll get notifications when an episode comes out. Make sure you follow us at our social medias. And I'm not going to say it because I realize, you know what, guys? After probably months of this happening, the editors just put it on screen. That means we don't have to tell the listeners what our handles are. They don't get to know. They can see it. Yeah, that's the thing. If you want to know where to follow us personally, you got to watch. You got to earn it. So...

Take that. And that's it. Thanks so much for watching. Thanks for listening, I guess, technically. Mark's going to host the next one. We're out of here. Podcast out.