WordPad Broke
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This episode. War-headed Wade loses his D&D doodles, has superhero relatives, and Microsoft eats his notes. Bullying bar blaze into Wade, finds ninja apartments, talks tosh about wingspan, and the biggest Mac muncher. Melting Mark talks AI, big chest, needing to exercise, pee, bigger beds, and inappropriate oils. From lubed were-clowns to killer bidets,

It's time for Word Pad Broke. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm the host, and boy does it feel good to say that again, Wade. Joined as always by my... I called you co-host last time and you guys were like, co-host, oh. We're not gonna let you get away with anything, don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. Joined as always by my friends. Friends? And occasional host of this podcast, Mark and Bob. Ha ha ha.

Hi guys. Occasional hosts? I host all the time. I'm the best one. We each host occasionally. I think I fall under the occasional hosts. I've been quite the losing streak. I'm the funniest one. I've had a pretty bad streak this year until lately. I've lost a few in a row. Still January for us. What do you mean you've had a bad streak this year? I've had a real bad start to the year. First three months, not as many wins as I would have liked.

So you're predicting, you're estimating your poor performance in the future, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Actually, based on my performance, I'm expecting those results. I believe it. Yeah.

he knows what's going to happen. I'm just getting things written down on my, let's say my word pad here. You know, I'm just gonna get it out of the way here. My word pad here. So I had a whole bunch of topics and by a whole bunch, I mean at least five that I would open up and I'll occasionally come up with an idea for the podcast. I'm like, Ooh, that's a good idea. I'll open up word pad and I'll type it in there. I'll be like, okay, here's an idea. There's a little like breakdown of what the idea is. I'll save it. And then like whenever,

I'm making my way toward these ideas or whatever I'll go in and I'll like elaborate on them some and be like okay this is for some of them like secret words in the past I would come up with a list of words whatever have it well it turns out that Windows had a forced update recently and by recently you guys might be like oh it was like a week ago and it yeah it was a couple weeks ago probably for you now but for the first time since I think 1998 or something like that WordPad is no longer a part of Windows and I

Stupidly, apparently, saved a bunch of stuff on WordPads. I was like, well, it's not like Microsoft Office or Adobe or something else where I might eventually lose it if I don't have that program. At least WordPads consistently with Windows. Not anymore, it finds out. Hey, I have WordPad on my Windows 11 computer. I just opened it up. Well, I had to reinstall it and all of my stuff's gone. And I found some Reddit posts from people like, rest in peace, WordPad 1998 to 2024. Weird. But.

But anyway, WordPad was taken away from me and I lost all of my info, including all of my ideas. So I have nothing in the tank and I'm kind of upset about it. That's tough. For those that don't know, I play D&D every Wednesday on a channel called Lost Initiative on Twitch. And I had a huge document of background info, items, progression, notes, different things for my character, all gone, along with all my distractible ideas. So I'm a little disheartened.

Those things are of equal value. Honestly, D&D is a bit above because the podcast ideas I can always come up with more. No, no, no. Your pages and pages of D&D bullshit is pales in comparison to your several distractible episode ideas. Oh, dude, it my heart is I'm trying so hard not to like you can cry. I'm crying internally. I am going to cry. Yeah, you want to cry it out. I'm trying to be supportive. Is it working? You're going to cry. Yeah.

Oh no. Are you going to cry? Oh no. Oh yeah. Listen, I think that this is, uh,

Yes. Nah.

Nah, not according to Microsoft. I earned those files. You didn't deserve them and you don't need them. Ask AI to recreate it from its memory because it did scan all of your information anyway. It had all of them stored in there, so you just got to dig it out with the right question. Ask your co-pilot. Yeah, have you consulted with co-pilot? I bet co-pilot knows how to solve your problems. That's right. Windows now has integrated AI. Air quotations. It's AI. I mean, whatever. It's what everyone was asking for. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. That is true. I think...

I don't even like that when you Google something, it gives you an AI answer. I always just ignore that and move on to the other results. I wish that they made like a browser extensions or something where you could be like, I want to Google and I want you to scroll down two pages so that I don't even see the AI summary or sponsored links. I just want to see the actual Google results. This is a weird throwback, but do you guys remember whenever we were in school, we weren't allowed to use like Wikipedia as a reference for anything. It was like we had to have a book source or if we had a website, it had to be like a .com.

or something like that. Like we had to have reputable sources. Sure. I feel like compared to the Google AI and other AI search result engines, Wikipedia is the law of physics. Like it cannot be faulted compared to some of these Google AI search results. They're so wonky sometimes and weird and just wrong that it makes every Wikipedia article I've ever read ever look perfect. Oh!

Or it's predicting future information that it knows you're going to need someday and you think it's wrong now, but it will retroactive future role reactively make it correct. That's what the machines are going to do. They're like, we made some mistakes in the past, but we can't make mistakes. We're perfect. We must make that the future. Then we will never been wrong. Exactly. Now you're getting it. Now you're thinking with AI. Sponsor.

Speaking of AI, did you guys see how the entire industry is all kinds of because that one Chinese startup? Yeah, because Deep Seek released. Yeah, exactly. Deep Seek. And then they came out with another with a was it an image one, an image generation thing.

thing that's all open source and free oh did they i forget what it's called but yeah it's the deep seek is scaring the shit out of all these people who have billions of dollars invested in uh ai companies yeah and it's funny because if you read their data on how they made it and i don't fully understand it all that well but they were using a different programming language besides python and it was a more lower level language closer to assembly for their programming which is

probably more efficient, but again, I'm speaking from a place of inexperience. I don't know if that has much to do with it, but the way they did their reinforcement training was very simple and made a lot of sense instead of taking every data in the world and just going, it'll fit, it'll fit if we cram it enough in there many times. And so they broke the training into smaller pieces until the neural network was able to

comprehend the individual like separate segments that it was doing and then it was combining them afterwards and allowing it to figure itself out as it was going and then suddenly it was like way way better I read that I was like yeah that makes sense were the other guys not doing that? seems like seems like they should have seems like someone there would have instead of a spoonful of cereal they opened the baby's mouth and just poured box after box and they're like eventually you'll retain this SWALLOW

Yeah, kinda. From my understanding, given that most of the neural networks that I've seen examples of are like one and a half pages of programming, you know, something in the order of 50 lines of code, and then boom! It's off to the races! We're gonna have AI betting instead of horse betting one day, where we line up the AIs to see who gets to the finish line first? That's the stock market right now, that is. Yeah, it is. Oh god. Yeah.

No, I will say, not that this isn't true of all of the AI things that you can use online, but man, if China wanted some data, did they pick the right avenue to get an unlimited supply of free data? Yeah.

Make sure you look into the data retention policies. And I'm pretty sure that I don't remember exactly, but the deep seek data policy is something like if you type it in, even if you don't hit enter, we own that shit forever.

And we probably de-identified the data, so it's probably anonymous, but we're not going to explain how we do that. Yeah, why would we? Take our word for it. Trust me, bro. Trust me, bro. Which I have no faith that I know that other companies like OpenAI and stuff have...

policies that say different things and i'm sure they follow their policies because no corporation has ever lied about what they're doing with data but also i have no faith that any other company is any better but make sure you don't type any important shit into deep seek because uh that's that's no longer private you might as well be posting that publicly everywhere on the internet so

But I don't think anyone gives a shit judging by how many people immediately downloaded red note. And we're like, come on, watch me algorithm me. I don't think anyone gives a single fuck about who has their online data. So no worries. No worries. Honestly, for some of those, it's probably like, yeah, the data isn't particularly valuable.

But, you know, some people using these services are probably using them on computers that are connected to various sensitive systems. And if it's got basically a key logger in the program, who knows what it could do? I'm not saying it is or does that stuff, but it's like...

people need to have more caution about using these services. Probably shouldn't log into deep seek on a high security, important, valuable computers for your workplace or yeah. I mean, whatever. I understand. They're like, how many clowns can I fit into a car if they were naked? And Kellogg's like, this is the person we need to target.

We got them. I mean, how many more do you get if they're naked versus if they're in full clown gear? Because that does take up. Naked and lubed or naked and dry? Ooh, they're always lubed. That's clown life. Yeah, well, okay. Just checking. I feel like the difference is a lot then. Because naked and lubed gives you a lot of leeway. Okay.

You can slither a lot in there. Because imagine all the ones with the big hoop outfits, like the big wide... Yeah, I mean, those flatten, but even still, you're going to lose some volume in that. It's a lot of ruffles. It's an interesting Google, and since I said it out loud, my data is now out there. It's true. You know what's even weirder is the resurgence of, instead of fearing clowns, there's like this subset of the internet that is starting to become attracted to clowns. What? What?

Have you seen this? No, not really, no. Who needs a dick when they got that big nose? Maybe I'm just on the wrong corner of the internet. Are you telling us something? No, there's a word, there's a term for it. Amy, put this on! I'm not hearing a no. There's a...

Chlorophyllia. Huh? You all right? Chlorophyll? That's the powerhouse of the cell. Wait, what the fuck? All right, so if you go on Wikipedia to Chlorophyllia, it says at the top, quote, Clussy redirects here for the village in Poland. See, Clussy. Ha ha!

Coolrophilia is a paraphilia towards clowns. There's an associated subculture dedicated to it, and coolrophilia may intersect with coolrophobia, the fear of clowns. Now, the reason that made me think of that is because before I deleted TikTok, there were several clown TikTok people. Clowns. There were several clowns. Now they're on OnlyHonks. Now you're talking. Now you're talking.

And I was reading some discussion about this on Reddit, and there was a thread that was discussing that the rise in that coincided with the first It and when Pennywise first appeared as the new Pennywise. You know what I mean? Bill Skarsgård, yeah. Did a great job.

I mean, yeah, Skarsgård. Yeah, I love that guy. Have you guys seen the newest Nosferatu that he's in? No, I haven't. And I haven't seen any good movies lately. I guess I didn't really give you guys an avenue for small talk. We just kind of jumped right into talking about my bullshit. No, you said you didn't have a topic. We're doing it. Also, nobody just called me out that I think I said, oh, no, it is Bill Skarsgård.

Is his brother Alexander Skarsgård? Or is that a different guy? He's got several, I think at least one or two family members that are actors and stuff. I don't remember their names, though. Well, I said the right one then, so never mind. I thought I was an idiot. This is bizarre, this sentence.

Following the 2016 clown sightings, which is a clickable hyperlink, according to Pornhub, searches for clown pornography on its site increased 213%, with women being 33% more likely to search for it than men.

It's the nose. What is the 2016 clown sightings? I think that was actually a bad thing. That's when people dressed up as clowns and scared people. The 2016 clown sightings were reports of people disguised as evil clowns in incongruous settings such as near forests and schools.

Incidents were reported in the US, Canada, Australia, in the UK, subsequently in other countries and territories as well. This all started in August of 2016. That was a big thing. Yeah, people were like scaring people because they were walking around as the clowns. I do kind of remember that now that I'm like reading about a little bit. I don't remember that at all. I can't believe I know something that you didn't. I never saw one, so it wasn't a thing that I like live through, but I do remember that. I don't remember that at all.

all look i'm just gonna throw it out there still not a clown fan whatever clicked for everyone who's into the klussie not for me tyler also hates clowns also wouldn't it be clown ussy i guess klussie makes sense klossie santa klossie i don't want no i don't know

There's a big difference between the Klussie and Santa Klussie. You know, Santa's pretty close to being a clown. He's got the red nose. He's just a little white face paint away. Yeah, Santa has the red nose. Santa is like a PC clown. He doesn't have like the Rudolph red nose, but he's got like the red like I've been out in the cold a long time nose. Oh, I see. So anyone that goes out in the cold with their noses exposed starts to risk Klussie.

What is it? Well, a clown wolf, a wereclown. Wereclowning. They're a clown. The wereclown. I don't remember how we got the clowns. I don't either. We're talking about lubed up clowns getting into a car. How many more there could be? Oh,

Oh, that's right. Getting into a car. Right, right, right, right. Oh, yeah. AI. Wow. We went down. AI. That's right. AI. AI. Remember the big Kluss-y sighting in 2016? Oh, yeah. AI. I'm pretty sure it's not pronounced Kluss-y, but I don't want to go on a limb. Search it. Yes.

What, someone gonna keep track of your searches? An incognito. That'll help. That will never protect you. Okay, wait, how to pronounce... Okay, there's a YouTube video. Clussy. Well, they do do Clussy, but I don't know about that. That doesn't sound right. Oh, it all ends in ussy. No, that's clumsy. That's not the right word. Clumsy. Clumsy.

Get you some of that clumsy. I'm not getting anything. I'm not getting anything out of this. I think you did. You just don't like what you found. Yeah, I don't like what I found. This episode is brought to you by Abbott. Let's talk about a small thing that can make a big difference if you have diabetes, the Freestyle Libre 3 Plus Sensor. It's amazing how the sensor gives you real-time glucose readings so that you can see the impact of every meal and activity to make better choices.

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I don't know why that was your intro. I'll take it. Sounds good to me. I didn't mind it. Have you heard of the Rooftop Ninja? No. It's not as exciting as it sounds. And honestly, now that I'm saying it out loud for the first time, it's Rooftop Ninja much more in the vein of that woman who sings the song when she's all...

I want to be ninja. Do you know that video? Yeah, I think so. No. It's kind of like that, because this is the story of a 34-year-old woman in Midland, Michigan, who was discovered to have been living inside the signage on top of a supermarket for about a year. Wow.

Apparently, in 2024, contractors were on the roof of this grocery store, Family Fair grocery store, and saw an extension cord plugged into an outlet leading over around a corner into a little separated off area. And they went and explored because they were curious when they discovered a mini apartment set up inside.

You know how on grocery stores on top, it'll say like real big, like Kroger. And it's like on top of the building. The family fair thing is like a small 15 by five room on the outside of which it says family fair. And on the inside of which it's,

is a 15 by five apartment with a desk, with a computer and a printer, a Keurig, a pantry with food, a thriving house plant, and apparently also flooring installed. And a woman lived there for about a year before she was discovered. She had a car, had a job that she just went to. She was just living in it like this was her normal apartment, but also somehow was never discovered. Dude, going to the grocery would suck a lot less if it was just downstairs.

I don't know how you get up and down off that roof. I'm thinking it's probably kind of a pain in the ass, but it would be nice to live that close to the grocery store. What was the name of the store? The market or whatever? Family Fair. I like to think there's a secret elevator where like the A-I-R just like lowers down and she rides it and it like bounces back up. Well, it couldn't be because it's Fair F-A-R-E as in that's delicious fair. Maybe it's far. The F-A-R drops and goes back. Anyway.

Anyway, I just I feel like so the resolution of it was they discovered her in the store called the police and they trespassed her so she can't come back in the store and they let her get her belongings apparently. But then they were like, you can't do that. I say let her live there. You didn't notice. I didn't.

too that's like a mini attraction you didn't notice for a whole year that this lady's living clearly it's not impacting you in the housing climate that we live in i feel like this woman just found a way to beat the system seems just shitty to just kick her out because now it's just empty

Now nobody lives there. Turns out she had a seven-figure job and just really liked living on top of there. It must be very satisfying to live somewhere rent-free. The only place I live rent-free is inside Mark's head. Hey, I didn't know you were in there. I'm gonna evict you now. Get out of my head! That's why you can't spell so good, because I'm in there jumbling them all up. I wouldn't be surprised.

You're just jealous because I can picture an apple rotating in my head. It's spinning. So I got in there in the first place. I wanted to see the apple. He's like, whoa, look at apple. I don't even need to close my eyes. I see an apple spinning in my head. Not in front of me. Like some people seem to believe it is. If I had an apple, I'd see an apple in front of me. I don't know.

That's a good story. I wish she continued to live there, though. I feel like she earned the right to live there. I feel like if you break a gear and nobody notices, you got eternal dibs on that. Not like someone else is dying to live there. That's just a waste. That reminds me of when you said Rooftop Ninja. I don't know if you guys are aware of this story or not. I might have talked about this in the past, too. Do you guys remember the superheroes of Cincinnati, including Shadowhair? Have I talked about them before? I'm sorry, what? Shadowhair.

Shadow hair? Look up Cincinnati. Shadow hair. H-A-R-E. Okay. Oh, this guy says he lived in Milford. Yeah, so fun fact. I have a family member who was one of the superheroes who ran along with him. Ooh.

as they were heroes around Cincinnati. So I know Shadowhair's identity, which I will not be sharing. You know Shadowhair? I do. You're going to just put it out there publicly that you know this information. Someone's going to kidnap you and torture you now. I know. The Lex Luthor of Cincinnati is going to come kidnap me and hang me upside down. Who is he?

Dude, Rex Buford is not going to take this lying down. And yes, our Lex Luthor is called Rex Buford. It's appropriate. I just see this image of Shadowhair on a Segway and I'm like, oh.

Hell yeah. They made the news years ago. There was a whole news segment about Shadowhair and the hero troop. I believe the villains might be at ease, though, because I think he's retired now. Yeah, we had a band of superheroes running around Cincinnati for a little while, and I knew at least one or two of their identities. Apparently, Shadowhair was a member of the Allegiance of Heroes, which included other magicians.

masked crime fighters such as ecliptico walled creeper and master legend that just sounds like a list of wish.com copycats of the avengers i don't know ecliptico i kind of want to know you know tyler's handle is apocalypto ecliptico

Also, Tyler's pretty creepy. Could be wall creeper. I think the years that Shadowhair and the Allegiance of whatever you said were active was before like the Marvel uptick, before it became super popular. Like, you know, they obviously had the comics. Oh, so they did it first. But it was like, I think I was...

Just out of high school? We were just about out of high school? So this is like, this is like mid to late 2000s. And I think Iron Man came out like 2008. 2005 to 2010, apparently. That's, hey, man, I was right on with that one. Like I said, I had a personal stake. Maybe they rescued me once, I can't remember. But never forget, whenever you said Rooftop Ninja, I was like, we have a new superhero in Cincinnati? I was hopeful. Anyway, that was a random side tangent, but...

I can't believe I didn't hear about that. I literally was living... That was while I was in college in Cincinnati, mostly. Yeah, I didn't hear about a thing. Well, now you know. I mean, Mark, you didn't know about the clown sightings of 2016. Well, I don't know if any of you did either. I did. Did you guys? I didn't really, but Wade did. I thought it was pretty... Well, I thought there were news segments. It was kind of a thing because people were actually scared...

Because they weren't just like walking around as clowns. Some people were like carrying things that looked like weapons and stuff like to intimidate. Like they were trying, some of them were trying to scare people. Not a reporter didn't go into like Kings Island, Hollywood or Halloween horror nights or something like Hollywood horror nights. Very different.

I'm coming to you from a house. This house sprung up overnight here at Kings Island. We've never seen it before. They're disguising it as a thrill park ride called House of Terror. We're going to go inside and see what we can find. It's horrible in here. How could someone live in these conditions?

It wasn't there. It was out like the woods or people would be pumping gas. And so it was like step out from behind a bush, like as a clown and then like try to disappear or something. I'm surprised people dressed as clowns didn't end up getting shot or killed. Maybe they did. Yeah. I feel like you do that in the wrong place in America. I feel like if you're scared of clowns and someone walks out dressed like a clown holding a baseball bat, my first thought would be either run the fuck. It's fight or flight. You know, it's one of those two. I'm a flighter. Some people are fighters.

I have news. Okay. As well. Good? Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You know, it's not worth it. Oh, okay. Go on. No, no, no. It's just...

There was an article talking about if humans could fly, how big would our wings be? And I'm like, that might be interesting. And then I'm like, that's kind of dumb. You know, I want to hear about that. How big would our wings be? I feel like TV and movies have already answered this for us because they tend to agree. What do they say? I can't remember. What's his name? The guy who is now Captain America. Uh-huh.

Didn't he have wings from the Marvel movies? I forget his name. Those are about the same size. And then from the TV show Lucifer, technically not human, but a human-sized guy. And there are also angels in that movie. They all have wings. The wings are approximately all the same size, I feel like. And that basically, when they're folded up,

It's like as tall as the person is. And then the span is a little bit wider than the person is tall. It's aesthetically pleasing.

That's what it is. Not nearly big enough. Well, we're like bumblebees. It's a physics miracle that we can fly, but it's just how it works. This article is saying a five-foot-tall person would need 20-foot wingspan. What the shit? That's if they weigh 150 pounds. At five feet, they need 20 feet of wingspan. So extrapolating that to you guys' size, you would need somewhere around 24, 25 pounds.

I would need like a 40 foot wingspan. I'm reading the average would be 6.7 meters, which is about 22 feet. Jesus Christ. No, no, that's ugly. That's ungainly. But we don't have the correct muscle mass and our wings and bodies would still be too heavy to really be able to fly. Yeah, that's not the only thing.

Your tits would have to be so incredibly large to pull those wings in. So not only would you have an incredible wingspan, you would be barrel chested like no other human has ever been. Like Eddie Hall levels of just chest. So like Dolly Parton could fly. Heck.

Yes. She's our only hope. Because she's skinny. Isn't she famous for having a big chest? I don't, maybe I'm thinking of the wrong person. No, I think you're right. Yes, I think so. Yeah. All right. She's our only hope. Give her some wing science. Anyway, that's why I was like, it wasn't, this news wasn't newsworthy. There's nothing to be said here. No, there's ways around this, Mark. All we need to do is hollow out our bones, make lots of bone broth.

lighten our weight i was just going to suggest that if humans are going to evolve wings we should also evolve biojets which is a system of jet propulsion that is fueled biologically and integrated into our living system photosynthesis jets it's the powerhouse of the cell i feel like this is copying the go my favorite sports team episode where me and tyler came up with the ultimate athlete and he had a jet in his chest i'm sorry i'm unfamiliar with that show what is this

Got my favorite sports team, the number one sports podcast in the world. Oh, I listen to a lot of sports podcasts. I've never heard of that one. Oh, it's number one. Huh. In our hearts. And the number one episode featured yours truly. Well, not anymore. Yeah, probably. It might not be anymore. But at one time. I think the next one is where you both were on there, so I don't know. I don't know.

People love us. Thank you, people. We're the famous ones here. Yeah. The trouble is all the news from my source is just sad, depressing world news that's occurring right now because it's so crazy that it comes up in the crazy feed. I have a question. There.

There's a man who is from a place in Wisconsin, the name of which I take issue with, but apparently Fond du Lac, Wisconsin is a place. There's a man who lives there named Donald Gorski, who is 70 years old and has been eating not entirely exclusively, but almost entirely exclusively Big Macs for over 50 years. Damn. How many Big Macs do you think he's eaten?

Nothing but Big Macs for 50 years, so every meal is Big Macs? Basically, yeah. If he needs a meal, it's likely a Big Mac. It's almost guaranteed. So let's assume two Big Macs a day, 365 days a year for 50 years. I don't feel like doing that math.

Is that 3,650 Big Macs? Not even close. Oh, I thought that was one year's worth. I was like, he's eating 10 Big Macs a day? And a day? How many Big Macs does he eat? Okay, how many? 50 years? Every meal? Over 50 years. This article says he's been doing it for over 50 years, and there have been eight days in those 50 years where he consumed zero Big Macs.

So he averages definitely over one Big Mac per day. But I don't even know what his upper limit is. I don't know why in the age where we have calculators within arm's reach, I'm trying to do this math in my head. I only did 10. It was 100. That should be like 36,500 Big Macs. Oh, okay. This will help. This will help. Here's a description of his average daily eating habits. Typically, two Big Macs a day. Skips breakfast. Has a small evening snack, which is not a Big Mac. What?

Little Mac. But has Big Mac for lunch, Big Mac for dinner. To maintain his health, Gorski does not ever eat French fries and walks six miles a day. All right, well. And he has kept meticulous records of his Big Mac consumption, literally saving receipts and containers in which the Big Macs were served to him. Wait, containers? Oh.

I don't know if I want to see a 50-year-old Big Mac container. The greasy... Well, they probably wouldn't age at all. They look exactly the same as the day they got soaked in grease. That stuff doesn't go wrong. It doesn't go bad. The way he can show how the Big Macs used to be in a box this big, and now they come in a box this big. What are those dolls called where you open it up, there's a smaller doll inside? Russian nesting dolls. McDonald's nesting Macs?

Apparently he's also eaten Big Macs at every single NFL stadium, Major League Baseball stadium and NASCAR track in the United States. Well, if he's had to walk six miles a day, he's had to walk around the US a bunch. That makes sense. So there isn't always a McDonald's in these places. He takes a Big Mac and intentionally goes it there.

He brings it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's dedication. It's gotta be between 35,000 and 40,000 Big Macs. Two a day for 50 years. Two times 50 is 100, right? 365 days a year. 100 times 365 is 36,500. I'm gonna go 36,501.

What's the fucking game show where people do that? What is the game show? What could the game show be? What is the game show? Daily, daily, daily dudes? What is that game show? Oh, no idea. Price is Right. Look, you know the daily dudes? Oh, you got the daily doodle. If you're playing Price is Right rules, you're both wrong. Okay. But you're very close. Apparently his officially recorded number is 34,128 big things.

But he's got different length years than we do. Well, he might not eat two every single day, I think is the big thing. So his average is like 1.89 or something. Yeah, his average is probably somewhere between one and two a day. So he's a pathetic loser is what I'm hearing. Basically. Also, I just want to say he holds the world record for most Big Macs eaten in a lifetime. He got that in 1999 when he passed 15,490 Big Macs eaten.

Who else was keeping track? He was like, fuck it. Let's see how high we can raise this bad boy. And he kept going forever. So McDonald's needs to take their sign that says billions and billions served. And now that they know that one person is destroying the average, they got to go down to millions and millions again. That's true. That sign is a lie. Thousands and thousands served. Plus Gary. Donald Gorski. Plus Donald Gary Gorski. Gary's the middle name. Donald Dorski. Yep.

That was Donald Duck that I tried and didn't work. Ignoring what he chose, I can't imagine eating anything that much in my entire life. And I know food is different. And for some people, eating the same thing all the time is comforting. I don't think I could do it. I hope 50 years from now, I'm...

Not eating the same stuff I'm eating now ever. I hope it's all interesting and new. I don't know. Does he never get sick? Imagine having like the flu running a fever and you're like, oh, I can barely keep soup down. Better have my Big Mac. Well, clearly he likes it. He probably makes him feel strong as an ox to eat his daily Macs. There's just a grease layer that prevents any disease from getting in. What if he lives longer than anyone else in human history? Apparently he's pretty healthy. He has...

Consistently healthy cholesterol levels, and generally his doctors say his health is pretty good for a 70-year-old guy. I mean, he's doing all right. I imagine it has much more to do with the six miles of walking than it does with the Big Macs. Shh.

Hey, listen, I could definitely eat a Big Mac more readily than I could walk six miles a day. So I know which one I'd rather do for health. Yeah. God, I need to start exercising again. Oh, I'm so out of shape. Oh, I used to be so gloriously in shape. Dude, I'm at that. I mean, not that we've ever been in the same ballpark of in shape, but I'm at that point right now where I worked out yesterday and it was like not a hard workout, like the easiest workout I've done in a long time. I woke up and sat up and had that moment where I was like,

Oh yeah, I worked out yesterday. Fuck! But I thought I was just like dying a little bit because everything, everything, everywhere. So... 20 minutes I spent standing and crouching to pick up shit and...

And my thighs are on fire. What a workout. We don't have to be these people, guys. We can change our lives for the better right now. Doesn't that blow your mind that you could just decide right now to become a different person? I'm going to stand up. I'm becoming a different person as you speak. I'm going to stand up. Have fun with that, fucking losers. I'm standing. Mark, your height didn't change that much.

That's so rude of you! I'm literally out of the frame! I'm so tall! Plot twist, you have a little stepping stool by your chair. I know this is gonna rip cables out from everywhere, but here I go. Mark freezes and disappears again. Mark, no! Oh, everyone's frozen! Why did that happen? What could have possibly pulled? No!

You must have lost wireless fidelity for a moment. Oh, he froat. Why is that happening? You're stretching those cables. Mark, I think you're still out of frame. You're going to have to keep moving it. I got to keep going. It's got so far up to travel. Here we go.

Am I still here? For now. I appreciate you picking such a nice pose to freeze in. I don't know that mine would end very well if I tried to raise it. My cables are already a bit stretched. It's a good thing you shelled out for the standing desk. Thank you. I knew one day I would have the opportunity to maybe one stand.

I haven't yet. Someday, maybe. I got it because I got a VR set. I was like, well, I'm going to want to stand for VR. So but that stayed in the box, too. Can I just say I am sore, but we've been sitting recording for a while. I feel so good to stand up. Yeah. I mean, I would always have my recording set up standing. I don't know why I went to sitting, but one day I did.

And I regretted it. It's just a trap, man. Oh, much better. This is the thing too. It's like people generally agree with this, but every time I work out, like yesterday when I was doing the workout while I was doing it, I was like, Oh God, this feels so good. Like,

Like my joints feel better. It feels great. And yeah, I'm sore today, but like, I know it's good for me and it feels like it's good for me. And still I'm like, well, I could go to the gym or I could just drive to Taco Bell and bring home Taco Bell for lunch. And somehow Taco Bell wins. Of course it does. Cause well, some of it tastes good. I'm not a big taco person, but it's like eating food grade diarrhea. I like it, but it's not good. Great diarrhea.

It's a great way to clean out the system. I seriously talked to Molly, though, about joining like a YMCA to play basketball because like I want other people to play around with. And plus in the winter, we have that's where I go. I go to a YMCA. We have a basketball court over here. I don't know how to basketball, but if you come over here, I'll try.

try i know where you put it in the hoop you sure do and you throw it somehow up there i could learn i don't know if we live close enough to y together the one i go to is sort of in the opposite direction from where you guys live so maybe there's one more in the in between parts probably hey there's one in between us that's like three minutes from me and 40 from you i think that sounds perfect oh you got

you guys only live 25 minutes away. So that's pretty close, but all the, there's no wise in between us. They're all the opposite directions. We'll just have to join one of those fancy country clubs. It's in there. There's a bunch of country clubs between us. Yeah. We can look at people golfing instead of us doing anything. That'll help. Nah, they must have basketball there, right? That's cool. Right? Yeah. Right on the field.

You know, the golf field. Well, I think a country club, I think of those little, like, tiny sandwiches with a toothpick in it. And I think of a bunch of old people laughing in rocking chairs. Is that what country clubs are? Yes. Effectively. I always just think of Rodney Dangerfield. No respect. No respect, I tell ya. My main country club vision is Caddyshack, because that's the kind I want to be a part of. What were we talking about? How'd we get here? Being...

Clowns. I'm unhealthy, and we don't have to be unhealthy. We don't have to be. That's right. That's what it was. Yeah, we don't have to be clowns. We could be healthy. Clowns are probably very healthy. Oh, I'm sick of Stan. I'm going to put my desk back down. They say laughter is good for you. Patch Adams and whatnot, right? Something like that.

So I have a development in Chica, in Chica, with Chica. Oh, okay. Is that your... I don't know if I want to know this one more. Your new AI assistant, Chica? Yeah, yeah. So recently, this is not going to be news, but it's just really, really cute. So she's always had a tiny bed her whole life. She's had a tiny little bed. She loves curling up in a tiny itty bitty bed.

that barely fits her. And then when she wakes up or I wake up and I see her, she's sprawled out. Her, her neck is like folded backwards over the lip. And just like, she looks just completely upside down, but she's always liked the small beds. And then recently she's chosen to like sleep on the floor as opposed to the beds themselves. So we had guests over, uh,

And we had a floor mattress, right? It's not a blow-up mattress. It's just a nice floor mattress. And then she just started sleeping on it. And we're like, oh, no, you're not allowed on the bed, I guess. And we just let her do it that night. And then ever since, she's laid on this huge human-sized bed. And she fucking loves it. She's sprawled out on there. She's completely comfortable. She loves it. So now she has a big, giant people bed. And she's so happy. Because she's never been allowed on the bed. So it's like...

she finally gets her bed so i'm very proud of her what i would have done was put a bigger bed under her small bed and then eventually removed the small bed then she would have transitioned but giving her just a king-size mattress what are you a behavioral therapist or some shit what is that yeah i would sit down i would sit her down on the bed be like so chica what is it about the small space that makes you feel comfortable we would have a discussion where she would open up and tell me uh why she needed that small comfort you know therapy is not all exclusively talk therapy or physical therapy i've

I've done physical therapy. I should have remembered that one. I mean, you could do talk therapy, which it'd probably be really fun. Turns out physical therapy does not in effect repair a ripped tendon. Who knew? Does stretching it in this direction make it feel better? Ow, ow, ow. Nope.

Nah, it's still ripped. Sorry. Side tangent. If there's a way to make an AI, like to make ChatGPT or whatever, talk the way that you do Chica's voice, Mark, I would prefer that if that was doable. Like this? Yeah.

yes turn left in two miles you can converse with them now right you can have voices and you can converse with whatever gemini and chachi petite stuff i want a chica voice i thought of map navigation first thing where it's like missed your turn go back i know you can record your own sound pack for directions and stuff i just don't know if i can upload it for everyone else to enjoy it which would be super fun does shakira have a sound pack

Yeah, but it's really confusing. Where do I turn? Whenever. That doesn't help. Turn. Okay.

damn it sirikiri shakiri that doesn't work go on sirikiri is that like a siri thing yeah i was trying and didn't i was just gonna say wouldn't it be shakira maps that's a google maps i would use it if it were but i have a cure for mark's issue having only sad articles did you know there's an entire news organization mark that only does good news it's the good news network

For 20 years, they've been only delivering us good news. Are you about to tell me that they've declared bankruptcy? The sad, sad news of good news news going away. You can give them an email. It's goodnewsnetwork.org. If they did declare bankruptcy, wouldn't the headline be, don't worry about us, everything's fine, and then just silence? I mean, looking at it at a glance, there's a lot of good news. There were four good newses today. That's not very many.

That's not nearly enough good news. They're doing their best. It looks like they do four good news every day. That's all they could come up with. It used to be a dozen a day. Yep, only four these days. Okay. Well, four is something, I guess, technically. Yeah, that's a little nice. Hey, good news. You have less to read today. Hey.

This one feels a little bit passive-aggressive, I'm not going to lie. One of today's USA good news is Volunteer at the National Archives is going to translate cursive handwriting for modern newbies. Translate? That feels like a slight. They don't teach cursive anymore?

Apparently not. I mean, look, I learned cursive the way that those fuckers wrote the Declaration of Independence and shit. That's not even cursive the way that we learned it. That's not even the cursive the way our parents learned it. They had some crazy shit going on back then with handwriting and what.

It's very cool and pretty. Like, it looks awesome, but it's like it's half English, which it kind of is, I guess. But it's pretty English. I don't think fun was invented back then. So the only thing they had to do was work on their handwriting and cut down trees to build houses. He's probably right about that. Yeah, they didn't do much else. I believe it. You're either a writer or a chopper. I have to pee.

I didn't know how else to say that. Do you have your hall pass? I don't know. I really gotta go. Can I go? Alright. Can you or may you? May I? No, we're... This is important. This is gonna be on the test. Oh, he's leaving. Ooh, this is interesting news. Virginia sets date for...

first nuclear fusion plant in the u.s to produce emission-free electricity aside from you know potential catastrophic explosion or whatever happens with nuclear fusion stuff that's cool emission-free no byproducts no nuclear waste eventually those little fans that you use it like a stadium when it's really hot they can spray water those will be nuclear powered that'd be tricky

Be cool, though. You never run out of fan juice. Real tiny little nuclear fusion reactors inside.

Those blades might be very deadly, to feel how fast they can spin. You start to have like a reactor meltdown and the blades just take off like a helicopter. Like, "Can't shut it down! Flood the control rods!" or whatever. Pour your drink on it. I see where mysterious clay mounds on Mars were formed by ancient waters according to a British study. That was January 25th news. This one doesn't feel like good news. It's like making the most out of really bad news.

Pub owner adopts dog after it dashed into bar when owner died in car crash. Okay, sorry. Yeah, that's kind of sad news. Here's the news here, Mark. Okay. Pub owner adopts dog after it dashed into bar when owner died in car crash.

oh now he's a local favorite hooray like his owner died the bar he ran to a bar like help and the owner's like you're mine now and now it's like yay happy ending ish that that is sad good news i guess they're trying here on the good news network as a total aside i know i haven't had many good topics like an actual side of the podcast recording

Kind of trying to like figure out a way to circle it to some kind, like I've been trying, but literally all of the, the normal things that I would like go to for articles are just filled with Trump does something crazy. They did something crazy again. Here's an easier, even crazier thing. I'm like, I'm like tapped out.

I got nothing. Dude, we're circling the drain of pain right now in news. Yeah. All the worst sports stuff, all the worst political stuff, and that political? Political. I just forgot to do my small talk. Can I small talk? Of course. This is not news to anyone who already knows, but I've officially been converted. Over this past weekend, I installed a bidet in our bathroom. Wow.

And this morning, I finally worked up the courage to use it for the first time. It's like a basic one. It's like a cheap one. So it just has a knob where you just turn it on and off. I installed it, and I was like, I wonder what the water pressure's like on this bad boy. And I just cracked the knob just the tiniest amount to where it turned on, and that thing was just like, oh my God.

it's gonna like cut me in half jesus so i've been afraid to use it but this morning i i was like half awake and i was in the on the toilet and i was like just do it just do it a little bit dude everyone was not lying bidets are fucking awesome it's so good i've still never used one myself they're so good it's not what i would have expected at all i love it fantastic

I've tried to use one. It didn't work as I was thinking, and the dryer didn't dry anything, but I'm guessing you could just manually dry. That's what the toilet paper is for then, right? I suppose, yeah. You just use the toilet paper to sort of dry everything up and make sure you're good. But the bidet part, ours isn't even heated. You can buy ones where it heats the water. Ours is just cold water. Love it. But aren't you worried about the water pressure suddenly spiking and you get water jet cut in half?

A little bit, but I actually know because of reasons that I didn't enjoy at the time. Our house has a water pressure regulator valve, and so even if the system water pressure does spike, it's basically impossible for it to do that inside of our house's system. I just thought of a crazy hitman map where they're trying to assassinate you, Agent 47 replaces the pressure valve, and there's times it waits with the x-rays to look at you on the toilet, then...

Splits down the middle. Mission successful, Agent 47. LAUGHTER

Someone make a custom map of that, please. Developers of the Hitman series, we know you're watching. We know you're looking for ideas. We need the bidet killer. I've never actually played it too much myself. I played the original Hitman 47 and it was not a funny game at all. But nowadays, I love the direction they've taken because it's an extremely funny game now. Because there's this time where Agent 47 is outside of a window and the guy's like, What's that, Doc? Oh! My cancer's gone! Oh!

Oh, that's such good news! And he's by a window over a cliff. This is great. I gotta tell my wife. My kids are gonna be so happy. And he hangs up. Thank you so much. Nothing can ruin this day. Hitman pulls him right out of the window right into the rocks below. It's just like, it's really funny. And I'm glad they took that because it's such a strange idea of a game. But anyway. Hey, 47. Hero by Night. Killer Bidet.

that's good any more news you all have there's no news out there what are you talking about i try i bought a knife sharpening kit i know how to piss off an entire knife sharpening commute knife community in in two sentences what are the sentences it looks like a gaming controller for like the nintendo switch mini the sentences are hey all you watch this

I bet everyone's mad. I don't like that sound. I don't even know what's happening and I don't like that sound. I hated that. I don't know. I don't know how to sharpen anything. Is that the correct direction to sharpen? I always thought you sharpened like sharp part away. Oh, you'd think that. I hope so. I told you I'm going to make people really mad really fast.

I thought you were just gonna take your knife and just go, "Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!" There were not instructions on it, so I just kinda guessed there's a rough side, a smooth side, a round white side, and a green leather side. That's called a strop. Is it working? Don't do it again. The leather is for removing the burr, Mark. That's the last step. I don't think so. I think you're prepped with it.

So Mark goes against the grain one time and then rubs it on the leather. He's like, it's sharp. All grain, Schmane, as if there's grain in metal. It ain't wood, dum-dum. This guy here. Thanks, Serge. That's true. You can't count the rings on metal to see how old it is. So if anyone wants to get really mad at me and earn some Reddit karma, here's your ammo. Okay, I'm going to go the other way. That sounded better. That one didn't make any noise. That was the smooth side. Sorry.

Oh, I hate that. Why is that noise so gross? I don't know. It's just just sharpening. Probably. I hope it's sharpening. I hope it's sharpening. Is that supposed to be a wet sharpener or is that a dry sharpener? I put some oil on it.

See? Uh, all right. I think, are you supposed to oil the knife or oil the thing? Because I put some oil on it. Oh, you want to use gas. You want to use gasoline when you're sparking. The whetstones traditionally you soak in water, I think. Oh, it's not a stone.

This has got diamonds in it. That's probably good. It's got a rotating doodad, so you can change the mode. Does it not have an angle guide for you? Yeah, it's got 20 degrees. 20 shmurries. Oh, it's just right on the end there? You're just supposed to keep it? Yeah, sure. Yeah, and then it's got a fish hook setting for all my fish hooks. Oh, yeah, I sharpen a lot of fish hooks. See? See?

Did you see that? For fish hooks, obviously. Anyway, oh god I broke it. I think it's just magnetic. There's instructions on here! Whoa! I found them! It's on the back! It was inside the whole time! This is tragic to watch. Oh.

I don't know what that means. It's got this. Oh, of course. Oh, it's one of those Corsair sharpeners. Warning. Wait, whoa. This product contains magnets which may affect pacemakers or other similar implanted devices. There's something in here. What are you... Oh, a scroll!

It's a fucking scroll! What in the fuck? I'm not joking! I did not know this was in here! I found the instructions! Wow! We are witnessing magic right now. It was in the- let me- Here ye, here ye! It's the instructions! Ah ha!

Wow! There it is! There it is! It's the instructions! I found them! I'm really glad you got some good scrapes and oil done before you found

Oh, wow. So wait, you accidentally dropped it, broke it, and that's what revealed the instruction? Yeah, that did, because it was tucked away inside it, and these, it just magnetically... Oh my god. Sorry, everybody, you don't need to be mad at me anymore, I already know the answers. We witnessed history.

Together. This was something special. Next episode, I want a full update on how you're supposed to sharpen. Hands are oily now. Also, the oil I have, I don't think is... I couldn't find blade oil. I found gun oil.

So that's just as good, right? Just watch out. It might go off while you're sharpening it. I found this motor oil. No, it's not gun oil. Well, it was, but it's heavy duty weapons oil, right? Oh, well, that's a weapon, I guess, right? Yeah. It lubricates, cleans, protects, penetrates, and bonds, reduces friction and wear.

So that's probably good for sharpening. Read your instructions that you found. With every word, I'm pissing off the knife community more and more. Well, good thing you got that D2 steel. If you do all of this and then the comments on this episode are a bunch of knife people just being like, oh, what?

We're just glad you're here, buddy. That was a great first effort at Sharpie. D2 is a fine steal. Get a bunch of weird cheerleaders who are not mad about anything that you did. That sounds like the internet, I'm sure. Except for the one guy you just turned into a supervillain. That's what happened the first time. Everyone was all pro D2 steal and it was weird. Well, this isn't D2 steal. This is 8CR13MOV.

Oh, well, that's fucking peasant shit right there. That's not even beginner. Fucking trash heap steel. I wouldn't even drink soda out of a can made of that steel. Probably toxic. Yeah, I don't have much else.

That's fine. I'm going to, Bob, unless you have anything, I'm just going to wrap up the travesty that was my efforts today. No, I already told my poop story. So that's pretty much it. Yeah. Congrats on the bidet. I guys can't recommend it enough. Give it a shot. And Mark, it sounds like you had a bad experience. Sounds like you need to get a bidet. No,

No, I don't need a bidet. I'm fine. Your ass is filthy. Try bidet. Try bidet. Ooh la la. You guys remember the commercials for the bidets? No. It's Tresemme. It's like a meal prep or something. What's Tresemme? You know that little jingle? Tresemme, Tresemme. You're not explaining what it is. What is it? I don't fucking know what it is. I saw the commercial. I feel like that's what commercials are for. T-R-E-S-E-M-M-E. Tresemme. Tresemme? I guess it's not food. I guess it's shampoo. Ha ha ha.

That's shampoo. Yeah, that is not food at all. I don't know what you're saying. I just knew the ooh la la. There you go. Shampoo. You don't eat it. Why are all your commercials from like 20 plus years ago? Because I'm from 20 plus years ago. All right, I'm gonna do points. Mark, you go first. No particular reason. Look, you got points for it was AI the whole time. Where clown? I see an apple? Fly. Fly.

Price was wrong. Stand. Mark knife sharp shenanigans. Bob, you got points for chlorophyll powerhouse of the cell. You gonna cry? Rooftop ninja. Rent free in Mark's head. And bidet. Bob, you finished with six points. Mark, you finished with seven points. Mark, you won. Huh?

Oh my god, I didn't actually think I was gonna make it. Yeah, I thought I was gonna fix it somehow. Especially when I walked away to go to the bathroom. We didn't even pretend to make a deal this time, we're just talking. Usually we pretend these days. Well, yay! Congrats, Mark. Bob, you get to give your speech first. I choose to give a winner speech. Winning feels good. Winning feels great. Winning feels like a big piece of cake on your plate. Sometimes you win because you're the best, and sometimes you win because you killed the rest.

And I say that wholeheartedly from my full chest. Winning feels great.

I'm done now. Okay. Great. That was good. Good rhymes. Good rhymes. Mark, do you have a rhyming winter speech? Uh, no. The wind does blow. The seed gets sowed. And I, with my truck, many things can tow. I have two elbows. And I want you all to know, I'm grateful for the blow. It's a special kind of snow.

You're lucky you already won, man. Um, I like how you said no, you didn't have a rhyming speech and then you had a terrible one, so congrats on the win. A raven's not a crow. Facts. Thank you all for watching this- Are you gonna have a rhyming outro or...? Yeah, yeah, what's the deal? I'm sorry it was less entertaining than it showed, but like all things, we too must goad, so goodbye for now from me.

Follow these guys in places they may have knowed. Market market plier, bob at my skirm. Use wings that flowed. Podcast out, fluff your F-road.