E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
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Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event-long savings. Shop in-store or online for easy drive-up and go-pick-up or delivery. Subject to availability. Restrictions apply. Visit Jewelosco.com for more details. You're crazy. How's it going? Hi, I'm Josephine, and I'm 31 years old. And I'm struggling to stop comparing my very old toxic relationship to my very happy new one.

So you're in a relationship. I am, yes. What do you compare the most? Describe what you mean by comparing. Yeah, I can give some context. So me and my current...

partner have been together for about eight months. He's amazing. Like he's definitely the healthiest person I've ever been with. He is so kind. It's insane. I'm so in love with him. But what ends up happening, so my prior relationship that I find myself comparing, he had a lot of like

drinking problems, to say the least. And I find myself like anytime my current partner is like a little intoxicated, he's I mean, he drinks a lot, but but not in large amounts, if that makes sense. So like, he's like a beer a day kind of guy. And I find myself just getting triggered by it. Like I get really irritated. And I'm not very nice about it. Okay. Well,

It's good to recognize. Yeah. Which is honestly, it's very hypocritical because I'm like, I could probably say I'm a fairly big drinker. I'm in liquor sales. So I am around alcohol like every single day and I socially drink quite a bit. Okay. What else? I mean, is that the big

Is there anything else that you're comparing? Or is that just the real... I think that's honestly the biggest thing. It's... And then, I mean, it kind of causes me to spiral a little bit. And then I'll go into a little hole of other comparisons that I really... In the right state of mind...

I don't think are fair. But when I'm in that spiral moment, I will like go to those dark places and compare really little petty things like, oh, he doesn't know how to speak about his emotions or he's not doing this or he's like,

you know, really honestly, like things that in the right state of mind, I know aren't fair to him. So when you say compare, you know, you're not necessarily comparing your current boyfriend to your ex and missing things. You're more comparing in the sense that like, is this seemingly perfect man and seemingly best relationship I've ever had going to eventually turn into that dog shit relationship I survived.

100%. Yeah. I'm just, I'm like very scared of heartbreak. I did not handle that breakup. Well, like to say the least, it was the darkest time of my life. Yeah. Well, uh,

Yeah. Yeah. The silver lining is if that, you know, usually there's always this one. How many other heartbreaks have you had? Quite a bit. I'm kind of a serial monogamous. So when I say kind of, I mean, I really am. But what about it? It sounds like this heartbreak was maybe the worst. Yeah.

Yeah, it was. We were together for four years in like a pivotal time, like 22 to 26, 27. And we moved out of state. So we moved together and we had honestly like a very lovely relationship up until our move.

And then he met a ton of really awesome people. I mean, we both made very similar friends. We're both in the service industry. So bartending, serving, that kind of thing. Um, but he just kind of went down a path of drinking and doing drugs and never coming home and just like really getting racked up in the town that we lived in, which was awesome to some extent and really negative to another. Um,

But when we moved together, it was like really with the idea that we were going to get married. Yeah. Yeah. And so when you started dating your ex, kind of like you said, like it was, it was good, but then it got bad. Yeah. Yeah. It was really good for, I would say two and a half years. Yeah.

And, and part of that good was him not seemingly having a problem with alcohol in the first two and a half years. You know, that's such a good question because, um, maybe it was something I didn't recognize as much. I mean, I was younger too, and I was also working in restaurants and bars. Um, we met at the restaurant that we worked at together. So we were going out quite a bit, like after our shifts. Um,

And I think in our move, I was one working a lot less and more excited to be home because it was like the first house that was like the dream house. And I was more excited to be at home and to be a homebody than he was. So I think I honestly just like recognized it more than I did back home in the Midwest. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Well, kind of like you said, too, right? Like, I mean, I've never been a big drinker, but in my 20s.

I mean, it wouldn't be that crazy for me to go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and two of those nights to get like pretty drunk. Oh yeah. Yeah. Which it's like, is a lot more excessive than I drink now. Right. But like when you're in your twenties and going out, it's pretty normal for a group of friends to like kind of,

you know, party and party together and go out on a regular basis and drink in excess on a regular basis. So it's really kind of hard to tell the difference between the friends who like are just like YOLOing it and the people who like maybe have a little drinking problem.

For sure. You know, I think that's actually a really good point when you bring up friends too, because you asked me if anything else is like triggering or like that I'm comparing. And this is something that I'm really trying not to be like, ma, like I don't want to be like mothering him, but I find myself being super protective with some of his friends that do have like legitimate issues. And it's like blaringly obvious, like at,

What do you call it? The casino. I almost said the casino's name. They're like at the casino a lot and just being unhealthy. They don't have literal jobs. And I find myself being like very judgmental and I don't want to be like that. And when he's with this certain friend, it's really one in particular. I find myself like getting anxious and nervous about it. Well, how does your current boyfriend feel?

Talk about this friend. He's worried about him. He's very worried. Great. Yeah. Great. Yeah. But it, but it also, it seems like the only time that they talk about his friends issues is when they're like under the influence. So I feel like there's not a lot of sober.

- The only reason, I'm not looking for your boyfriend to save his friend. It's nice if you can and it's nice if he's there. The reason I asked that question is because I wanted to know what his perception of his, if it matched your perception of that problem. I have friends who I have concerns or have had concerns about their consumption

And I still, you know, I hung out with them and they were still my close friends and I spent a lot of time with them. And it was more like, well, I know I'm not worried about having, you know, you're worried because like your ex-boyfriend allowed himself to get caught up with friends or people who influenced or it felt like influenced his behavior.

Yeah. But you got to see the difference between your current boyfriend and your ex-boyfriend, which is like, he can recognize somehow he can go out, enjoy alcohol, socially be around people. And he can be aware of, of, of people's overconsumption and problematic decisions and the lack of, you know, and be concerned for his friends so much, you know, it would be concerning if he was like, I don't know, like I see it, but my boyfriend is kind of like

doesn't. And I don't know, he just thinks his friends is kind of chilling and like, I don't know, like maybe he thinks he has a problem. Maybe he doesn't, he doesn't really bring it up. Like that, that to me would be a, like a mild red flag. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And then I would say, oh, you know, I see why you're concerned, but like he sees the problem, you know, and you see the problem, you know? So like, you're worried about a guy who's worried about his friend and you're more worried about this friend he's worrying, worrying about being an

a bad influence as if like this troubled friend is gonna sell him on how great his life is that your boyfriend's gonna be like yeah i want some of that in my life

I know. No, you're so right. I know. Can I give you an example of one evening? It was like the only large fight we've ever had. I was in Chicago for the night and my boyfriend was looking after my dog. And like we spend a lot of nights together. He knows my dog very well. I was not even in the slightest concerned or worried. But I should clarify, like I went out.

pretty hard and I had a lot of fun. I hadn't seen this friend in a long time and we like, we had a lot of fun. So I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because I was out till like three in the morning. But the next day I called my boyfriend just to make sure like that everything was good with the dog and he was on his way

way to my place, like in the morning, like at 8am. And I'm like, what do you mean you're on your way? And he was with this friend that I have concerns about. Basically, he left my dog all night. And he's like, no, we walked her at 10pm. And now we're on our way back. She's totally fine. And that was incredibly upsetting to me. Like I've never left my dog overnight without a human to sleep with like ever. Yeah, I was really, really mad.

And I just don't think he would have done something like that if he weren't with this person, but also that was his choice. So, yeah. I mean, I get why you're triggered, but yeah, but yeah, it sounds like more of a trigger rather than, yeah. Like I understand no one else is like, you haven't left your dog, but like, I think dogs are fine sleeping by themselves. But like all night she was probably wondering, I like can't probably not. I, I, I know you're no, like logically, um,

I understand, but I'm, I mean, you understand too, because you have dogs. I'm obsessed with my dog and the idea of her being like,

alone really upset me. I think if I just felt more like disrespected, I felt like the fact that he had said he was going to do a thing that he didn't really do. Sure. I mean, and you had a right to be upset about that, right? So there's a difference between being upset about the thing that you have a right to be upset about and addressing that thing and saying, Hey, that, that made me frustrated. I thought, I thought I could count on you to take care of my dog.

And you didn't meet my expectations. And I felt, you know, I just felt like you over-promised and under-delivered versus getting in your head and being like, what does this mean? You know, are you like, and acting like it was his troubled friend who influenced him and he chose his, you know, he chose to like become an alcoholic over, over, over taking care of your dog.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I do know. I do know. That's I think that's what I'm struggling with. Like the like you said, like just like the I make up ideas in my head and I'm very scared of things going sideways. So I feel like I'm in like constant protection mode. Yeah. And I just get frustrated pretty easily. And I don't want to be like that because I'm typically a very loving person.

And I think he, I think he knows how much I love him, but I definitely feel myself being impatient at times that are unfair. And I see it making him sad. He doesn't even get reactive, but he just gets like sad, which makes me sad and feel stupid. I mean, listen, the reality that you're going to have to face is that you will never be able to prevent or guarantee heartbreak. Yeah. It sucks. And as we get older,

that gets scarier and scarier in our 20s we're kind of like we don't want heartbreak but i guess we're meant to experience it and someone older than me told me i'm gonna have to deal with it in order to become like a better version of myself or really learn about myself and blah blah blah blah blah but then when we're like in our early 30s and got through 40s and we're doing it we're just like what's the fucking what was the fucking point of that everybody you know

I didn't need to, I did not need this anymore to learn, you know, type of thing. And like not every bad thing that happens in our life is meant to be a lesson. I don't think, again, I don't think things happen for a reason. You can still learn a lesson, you know, it doesn't, like it didn't have, you know, the world doesn't revolve around us. And therefore like not everything that happens to us is some sort of destiny. It's just dumb fucking luck. You know, it's just life.

Yeah. What you can do, though, is to control what you can control and not try to over control the things you can't control. And you're doing a little bit of the latter. Yeah. And trying to squeeze and protect yourself from things that are just like outside of your control. Totally. It's still a really new relationship. It is. You know? Yeah.

And I think the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to just say, this is really great so far and I see so much potential, but let's just enjoy the moment and not think about the future and not, you can talk about the future, you can talk about your goals, but it's just more like you're gonna have to let it play out. The key to the relationships is

showing up every day and saying, this is the person I choose to be with. And I'm going to do the most I can for this relationship today. Yeah. And hope that they, the other person feels matches that energy. Yeah. I guess when you say that, cause I 100% agree. Um,

I think obviously like conversation and when you're like, I feel like we just often me and my boyfriend, I mean, just get into like deep talks a lot. We're very like chatty all the time. So like,

Future goals do come up often and us talking about our future together. And there are times, too, when I catch it and I just kind of am like, maybe we shouldn't be talking about this. But what what is your advice for that?

that because I don't want to be putting too much pressure on the relationship, but I also don't want to be shutting down just like natural conversation. Well, I just, I don't know. I think it's a balance. I just think there's a difference between like being intentional with what you want in a relationship as an early 30 something year old person who's like, Hey, I'm not here to fuck around that much anymore. Like I, you know,

I'm not sure if you're interested in having children, but if you are, like there's certain considerations you have to make as a woman that men don't. And that's normal versus, you know, obsessively trying to push a timeline or play house or speed things up because you're 30. And, you know, like the part, like you talked about part of the reason why your last breakup fucked you up so much, because like you said, that was a very transitional time in your life.

And I bet that you win that relationship thinking, oh, this is it. This is it. I found my person and we moved together. We're making big moves and we're making big life decisions. And then when it ended, it was early 30, late 20. It just felt like you lost four pivotal years of your life.

And you never thought you'd be a woman who has to worry about her biological clock. And then it feels like such a fucking trope or cliche or whatever. And then we beat ourselves up emotionally by saying, well, I never thought this would happen to me. And then you try to be different. And then you kind of, again, become a little more neurotic or intense. And then you force situations because you want to make up for lost time and

these are all the things I think you're dealing with. You know, you got a shit ton going for you, you know. You look great, you know, you could be, you could have said, hey, I'm 24, I'm not cool, you know, I wouldn't be like, oh, well, you know, like, you're still young, science is better than ever, you know, when it comes, you know, and you are one of the few people out there

it was not that hard to to find something better and something you're really excited about and something that feels good i mean it's like honestly like i it's fucking depressing out there man like it's people are just so disconnected and men and women when it comes to heterosexual relationships have some incredibly valid gripes about the opposite sex

But none of us, no side is willing to, like, do anything about it or, you know, and the world today tells us that we have every right to blame someone else for our problems. And it's a fucking mess out there. And yet, you know, you...

You found a pretty good thing. No, I totally agree with you. I'm so grateful. Like I'm so grateful for him literally 99% of the time. And then I feel myself just like,

These moments. And I honestly think it's just like when I'm not being nice. Like it's like obvious. It's like I feel it. He feels it. And I don't mean nice like, oh, I'm grumpy. I'm like hormonal. I mean like when I'm just like, ugh, like ew, like you're...

Like kind of drunk. I don't want to be around you, but he's not even like, he's so nice all the time. He's not being like, I've had exes that were very like reactive on alcohol or like mean, you

Sure, but that's normal. I don't know. When I'm stoned, I can know I piss off. And I do something stupid when I'm stoned. Now it's 10 times more irritated than me. But do you feel like, does it hurt your feelings?

Hurt my feelings? No. Do I get frustrated at times? Does it, can it feel a little naggy and a little like unnecessary? And does it feel like she's getting mad at me for not the thing I did, but like, she's just making a mountain out of a molehill type of thing. Sure. Yeah. It can feel like that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think that's what I get nervous about because I don't want to drive him away because I'm like what you said, like naggy or acting like,

I'm on this like, yeah, I just don't want to put myself on like a higher, like I'm like know everything and he's younger than me and I don't want to. How much younger? He's four years younger than me. So he's 27. Okay. Well, that's something you want to be mindful of. Yeah. I'm very mindful. Yeah. And that's maybe where some of your fears come from. Totally. Yeah. Cause we're the eight, he's the age that

that I was when I broke up with my ex. Yeah. And that, that is a risk. That's a risk. You are dating someone. I mean, I don't know. It's a risk I took, you know, I married someone a lot longer than me who, who, who I knew still had life to live that I had already lived. And I, I had to be willing to let that play out, not knowing how, how that could have, you know, it's just by definition, my, my wife most likely was going to change more than I was going to change.

Yeah. In our marriage or in our relationship. Well, isn't that interesting though? Cause I bet you have changed a lot.

And maybe, right. I hope that we've changed together, but you know, I'm just saying it was like a concern of mine and something I do be mindful of. And you're going to have to still, you're going to have to challenge yourself to be good at allowing your partner to help you and to push you. There's always a power dynamic in any relationship and it, and I, you know, it changes a lot. And the, and the goal is to try to have that power dynamic for the most part,

be fairly consistent. When I met Natalie, you know, like I felt

very much in a lot of ways I felt in control well a lot of which was as a product of me being a lot older and kind of like you know my subconscious probably felt like I knew better or knew more you know you know and I'm sure at times it came across as condescending and that's kind of natural being older and that's something you have to be mindful of and it sounds like you are aware of it but um I am a lot of your fears maybe come from thinking he doesn't know better

And I know better. Totally. Yeah. Like 100%. And it's so stupid, but I like when we first started dating, I, and, and for a while I've kind of had this idea of like, um, all things come to an end, right? Like,

oh, like we're going to have fun or enjoy each other, even fall in love. And there's just no guarantee. And I was very like accepting of that. I was even in a relationship between these two relationships and we broke up and

I was, I handled it really well. It was like a very healthy breakup, but for some reason, I think I just love this guy so much. And so I'm just really scared. It's like, I'm on, it's like, I'm on this, like, I don't know. I'm just anxious. Like, I don't, I know that if we broke up, it would be like a complete disaster for me. Like I would not be okay. You would, you would.

Yeah. I'm not saying it wouldn't be difficult. I'm not saying you would have a couple of real bad days or weeks or months. You would be okay.

Maybe. Well, I mean, listen, you know, if you tell yourself you're not going to be okay, then for a period of time, you won't be, you know, it's like for me, when it comes to heartbreak, the initial pain of heartbreak never gets easier. You know, it actually gets harder, right? Your first heartbreak, you don't even know what it is you're feeling. And it feels like the end of the world. And the scary part about that is you, you, you literally don't know you're going to get over it because you, you've never even been in love, let alone knowing how to get over love.

The initial heartbreak, when you experience it for the second or third or fourth time in your life, the initial pain is sometimes worse because it's like, not again. I'm older. I can't believe this happened to me again. How am I going to actually move on from that? You're kind of more worried about the future. But what you do know is that you can get over it.

you know? And so you can consciously say, I'm, I'm hurting now. I'm in pain now. I feel all these feelings, but I'll get over it. I don't know if it's a week from now or a month from now or two, but I, I do know how to get over someone. I already have done that. There's certain just like steps to getting over someone, right? Like that it's like anything else, right? So you, you can, and you will, you know, and you just don't know what your, the future holds for yourself.

I mean, again, you know, like, again, as a woman, it's different than as a man, biological clock, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like, I'm sitting here with you today talking when I was your age.

You could not have convinced me I would be where I'm in today. And like, you know, a guy who hosts a pop culture podcast talking about reality TV and Real Housewives and Bravo and like The Bachelor and like interviewing celebrities that I like saw on TV. It's like you just never couldn't. So instead of being afraid of the future and what you don't know, the better part of maturing about is just knowing how to, you have, you're developing skills to adapt to

and to be resilient. And, you know, I would, if I were you, I would embrace your resiliency and try to think about what allowed you to get over that very painful breakup and know that that is in your bag of skills, so to speak, you know, that if you ever need in the future, and maybe it's not, and maybe you'll never have to be emotionally resilient when it comes to your romantic life. Maybe he's your guy. Yeah.

but you're going to have to be resilient in other aspects of your life. There's other forms of heartbreak that aren't just...

romantic relationships. Oh yeah. You know, no, I, I agree. I really appreciate everything you're saying. It's like, I feel like the advice that you're giving me right now is like what I say to my little sister, like every time we have a deep conversation and it's so much easier said than done. And I know like, what did they say? Like talk to yourself, like you would talk to a friend. Sure. But yeah, you know, you don't, you're, you're,

well, I mean, you are invested in your little sister's outcome, I guess, to a certain extent, but like you're more invested in the outcome of your life and you're emotionally connected to your life and your ego, you have a very loud ego as we all do. And when you're talking to your sister, you know, you're not, you know, you're just, it's very pragmatic and you don't have to like, you're talking to me

hearing what I'm saying while you're still hearing voices in your head in a way, you know? Yeah. That's why it's easier to, to, to give advice than take it.

Totally. I was listening to one of your episodes. And to be honest, I kind of forget which caller it was. But you said something along the lines of like, oh, like, you know, I have all these callers. They're listening to me in the moment. But then they take that advice however they want to look because we remember things the way that we remember them. Yeah. In our point of view. And then so I was like thinking about that a lot.

while I was in the little waiting room, like thinking like, okay, how am I going to take Nick's advice? Like very, um,

seriously and logically and not twist it in my head because I love doing that. But I think no matter what, I'm just going to struggle with accepting my boyfriend in the moment of this. I guess I just don't know how to get out of my head in those moments when he's reminding me of my ex. I don't know how to

talk to him about it and when I have kind of talked to him about it he I think he thinks I'm saying he has a drinking problem which is why are you talking to him about it what's he supposed to do yeah yeah I guess that's that's another question of mine like is is there anything that he's supposed to do or is he like should he be aware that I'm having these feelings because I

I think there's a difference between having an awareness and communicating to your partner things that trigger you or insecurities that you have. But it's a fine line between I don't know if you need to like bring it up to him.

And then especially if there's nothing for him to do about it, you know, because it sounds like as you workshop this problem in your head or talk with me about it, you're like kind of recognizing that like he doesn't have a drinking problem. And while he doesn't even drink more than me, he just has a friend that is struggling and he does enjoy spending time with that friend. And every once in a while he might do something that irritates me, but it's definitely not a sign of any type of overconsumption or anything like that. So like,

bringing it up to him. I'm right now. It sounds like you're bringing it up to him, expecting him to like say or do something to make you feel better. Yeah. And if he's not doing anything wrong, like what is he supposed to say or do?

I know. I think it's also like I am an over communicator, like whether that's a good or a bad thing, like in every area of life, like work. Yeah. Yeah. I communicate a lot. And I, I feel like I always have this desire to explain like, Oh, this is why I was rude. Or this is why my document was late, which is probably just the most obnoxious thing in the world. But, um, but it's,

especially when it seems like my boyfriend's feelings are hurt and I feel like a dumb ass. I'm like, okay, I need to explain to him why I was like spiraling out a little bit. When was the last time you said, you know, without an explanation, I was wrong. I'm sorry. I don't know if I've ever done that. And give it a shot. I'm sorry, but let me explain why isn't an apology.

Yeah. You know, it's, I'm sorry you're mad, but I, I, let me explain why you should be less mad. It's like, well, well, I don't, I don't even care about me being mad. I just want to know that you're not going to do this again. Totally. You know? Yeah. So when you're sitting there trying to explain to your boyfriend why you got triggered and why your frustration, how you treated him,

what it's you're you're justifying your actions you're explaining what he can do differently so that you don't feel that way so that you don't do the thing that you had to apologize for so in a very passive aggressive way you're kind of blaming him yeah for the thing that you're apologizing for totally yeah just be wrong and and move forward um

Totally. I think too, it's like, I have to, I just have to figure out how to like emotionally remove myself from a moment. If that even makes sense. Like I, I just need to not engage the other night. He, he does open mics. He's like a, he plays guitar at open mics and it's the cutest thing in the world. But he came home kind of late, which, which,

really isn't a big deal. By the way, we don't live together, but we stay together quite often. And he came to my place. Um, and I am happy that he's out and about. I'm not like

checking in on him. I'm not like texting him, but it was the fact that he was drunk when he came over that irked me. And he was being so sweet. He didn't do anything wrong. He was just telling me about his day and telling me about his night. But for some reason I was like, Oh my God. Like, I think I said something like, dude, I just am not in the mood to talk right now. I just want to go to bed. Like,

We can talk about your day tomorrow. And I was like really short and rude. And I know that it hurt his feelings because he was excited about his open mic. He was excited about it. And I was just kind of like shut him down. And I was tired, but I was also just like annoyed. And I felt like maybe he shouldn't have been driving either. I don't know. Can you just say...

Like the next day where you're like, I'm sorry I was so dismissive? I think I said something like I was in a bad mood. Like I apologize or something. I said something like that. But I think like last night he said something like, I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend. And I was like, no, you're not at all. Like he was just feeling kind of like stupid. Like I could tell he just felt kind of dumb. And I don't ever want him to feel that way. And I just... How often do you thank him or...

show appreciation or compliment him or make him feel good or just say you know every once in a while just i'm really lucky to have you and i'm grateful for having you and and i don't know just i'm a big complimenter like i it's my favorite thing to do is like lift other people including him so i i definitely give a lot of compliments um

It sounds like, honestly, part of some of your anxiety and fears is the fact that, like you said, he's the same age that you were when you started. And so you are a little older than him. And you are, in some ways, maybe more mature than him. And your boyfriend's still...

at a stage of his life where it makes sense that he's still going out and staying out a little later. Yeah. He's learning. And that is a product of you having to accept dating a man who's four years younger than you. Yeah. And that's where some of the grace for yourself and for him. And so you need to acknowledge that is a choice you made. And you might have to like at two in the morning when he comes home a little buzzed,

minus the driving aspect of it, bite your tongue and recognize that you are in a bad mood and maybe you're not in the mood to deal and still deal and put on the happy face because like you chose to date this person and you are gonna date this person both for their benefits and accept their shortcomings. And the good news for you, some of his shortcomings are a product of his age, which actually might and probably will change.

As opposed to dating someone, you realize, you know, like when I met Natalie, I was like, sorry to break it to you, but I'm probably going to leave Cabot doors open for the rest of my life and do a bunch of dumb shit that's absent-minded. That's going to drive you fucking nuts. And it's almost certainly never going to get much better than it is today. Yeah. I mean, obviously we all have like our annoying little habits. I mean, I'm severely ADHD. I am all over the place all the time, like quite literally. So yeah,

I know I'm annoying to deal with friend-wise and relationship-wise. So yeah, people have to be patient with me. Yeah. I mean, so listen, you're, as far as like, you're going to be triggered by your ex, you know, you sound like you ruminate a lot and overthink, which is fine, but like, just get better at doing that by yourself without projecting that onto your relationship or your boyfriend. And when you're like, when you can tell yourself he's not doing anything wrong, you're

it sounds like you're still treating him sometimes like he is. And that will, you know, and if you get frustrated at your boyfriend for things that he's not doing wrong and you're not even asking him to change anything, he's going to, and that's why he probably said, I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend.

right? Because you're, you're treating him a certain way and you're expressing a frustration, but you're not giving him a, men are very solution oriented for the most part. And it was like, well, I don't know. I don't want you to feel this way. I don't want to keep doing what you're doing, but I don't even think you're even asking me to change anything. You're, you're, you're, you know, it's like, you know, you're, you're not being like, I don't think you should hang out with Max anymore. Right. You know, it's like you, that would be, you know, that would be like crazy because like, you're not going to stop, you know, it's just like, and you're, and he's like, well, do you want me to stop hanging out? I don't,

Like, is that what you're asking? I don't know. Am I supposed to? I don't. What the fuck? Am I a bad boyfriend? Yeah. So. Yeah. And he's so like, like he's he probably would.

I would never ask him to do that, but like, that's how he is. So I, that's the case though. Then I think that, that that's not a positive sign. That's not a green flag. That's a red flag. That means that you hold a little too much power in this relationship. Yeah, no, I, I honestly agree with that. And that's why I think that's something that I'm trying to balance is like, I am nervous that

he would do too much for me. And I like, I care about him so much too, that when I'm anxious about our, our breaking up, I actually am anxious about him getting hurt too. It's like, it's not just me. I'm like, I, but you can't, you can't, you can't, you have to let go of some of this control. You have a control, you, you have a control problem. Um, your heart is going to be broken in the future. I guarantee it. I don't know how, I don't know why you're

You're going to experience pain again. You're going to feel victimized again. Yeah. But that's a guarantee. So just let that go. Accept it. Because you are doing a little too much and...

You're going to have to let go of some of that power that you think your boyfriend should have in this relationship because you're not letting him have it. Yeah, I definitely. I mean, he also was like so sweet and was like willing to be on this phone call. But and this is like another control thing. I was like, I just don't know.

what you're going to say, how you're going to be. And I was just like, I mean, he ended up having to work anyhow. So you didn't let your boyfriend come to this call because you were afraid of how he might make you look in front of me? No, to be honest, I would have let him be on it. I hate using the word let. I was excited at first when he was like, I will do it. But then when I was like, okay, like, what do you...

think about the situation he's like i don't know we're just gonna have a conversation and i'm like well yeah that's good but like well i honestly think as much as i love uh as much as i love a mediation this is a you problem not a we problem right right right right i don't know what he's supposed to do yeah he would have just been like a sweet little baby ange just like sitting here you gotta stop talking about your boyfriend like that uh yeah you know he's not your sweet little baby sweet sexy man

Yeah. You got to let go of some control. You can't make him embrace the power dynamic in his favor, but you at least have to allow him to the opportunity to take the shot, so to speak. You know, right now you're not passing him the ball. You're, you're kind of the ball hog and you can't make him shoot. You can't make him like drive the lane, so to speak, but you have to pass him the ball and see if he has the guts to take the shot and take the lead.

And, and, and part of your fear of heartbreak, I think is you trying to control this relationship and, and, and he's more malleable than, and then as a, a young man who is a well, he's a well-intentioned young man. It sounds like he is, he's very well-intentioned. He's, he's incredibly sweet. Someday this man is going to get older.

And whether you let him have more power or not, eventually he's going to want more. And you're far better off to allow it happen rather than make him resent you for realizing you didn't let him have it. Totally, yeah. And that you were a little condescending and...

acted above him at times where right now he's just kind of excited that he's, you know, dating a mature hot woman. He was older than him and he feels kind of like good about himself and he kind of likes that, but that, that will fade an event. And you've only been eight months. He's going to every day that you're in this relationship, he's going to feel more like you're equal and you're, you're make sure he doesn't have to take that power back. Yeah. I'm

I'm so happy you're saying that. I do not want him to ever feel like that ever. Yeah, that would be terrible. Well, it starts by how you talk about him to yourself and to your friends and to others because I don't think sometimes you even realize the things that come out of your mouth.

No, that's true. I think also because I've dated so many like people who are just so opposite of him and opposite in like he's the opposite in a good way. But yeah, I definitely I think I think of him as being like really innocent.

which maybe accidentally turns into like naive in my mind, which is probably like you're saying like very belittling. Yeah. Well to say it like that is this. Yeah. It's like, he doesn't know better to be a dick. Yeah. Or maybe he's just not, you know, maybe he's just not, you know, like I asked him the other day if he's ever had a fight with his parents or his dad. And he was like, no, I've never ever like, he's like, I would never do that. Like, what's the point? Like,

And I'm like, that's amazing. Cause I, I still fight with my parents to this day. So good for you. Like he's just very even keeled. Like that's just his personality with everyone in his life. Yeah. I think you need to be open to, I don't, I I'm being willing to bet that you haven't mentally even been open to the possibility that you can learn a lot from your boyfriend. Yeah.

I think you have almost minimized his, what he brings to the table and again thought of it as like this sweet innocent boy who doesn't know better or whatever. But like I think you need to be open to the possibility that this, your boyfriend who might be four years younger than you has a lot to teach you. And that maybe I think you should be open to like taking his lead and allowing him to lead and, and,

Because right now, like, yeah, you're too much, you're too afraid of this thing going south that you've really taken control of this relationship. And because he is younger and because you're so kind of confident, you're just generally, you can tell a generally confident person, he's okay with you being in the lead right now. But that will definitely change.

Yeah. Yeah, totally. Okay. I'm really glad that it got to this point because I feel like I was trying to figure out like the root of the issue. So I definitely don't want that to happen. I don't want to be like this ew, gross, like little naggy lady. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. It's less about you being a nag. You just have to, you, you, it's your, your big problem is control. And he's been through a lot. So I don't want to diminish him like down to his age, obviously like to an extent age matters, but he, he's been through so much. Um, so I don't want to diminish that either. Uh,

I think you need to try to compliment him on things that he has done for you. Like, I'm willing to guess that your compliments are more like...

I don't know, like a mom child. It's like you put a gold star on their fridge. Like you're proud of your kid, but you know you could do it and you're complimenting him because he's doing the thing that you did four years ago and you're proud of him from learning. I want you to look for things to compliment him on, things that you're like,

You know, since I've been with you, you've taught me a lot about this. And since I've been with you, this is something you've helped me with. You know, how does he help you be your best self? I hate the phrase, he helps me be a better person, because that's entirely up to you. But does he make it easier or harder for you to be a better person?

So much easier. And how does he inspire you? And those are the ways you should compliment him. Things that, you know, he doesn't get from you. You're not proud of him that he's taking your advice like a parent would say to a child. You're not proud of him because he's cute up on stage. But you could say...

I don't have the guts to do what you do. Like open mic every, like that takes fucking guts. You're brave. Like, honestly, I don't know. Like that's, I wish I had that and find ways to compliment him like that. Not some, like, it's cute that you do that. Like, I don't know. I think it's pretty fucking brave and cool. And that bravery is going to like help in other aspects of his life. You know, I'm something I find really attractive about you is how much, you know,

you have courage like you're not afraid you know you know you gotta make sure you you know want to don't say it in a way that it's just like what do you mean brave do i suck um yeah you're good at complimenting him but i'm willing to best sometimes your compliments feel a little condescending and i say that as someone who has gotten that feedback yes totally for myself no i appreciate that a lot that's such a good point

Oh my God. Okay. Well, so basically what I'm getting from this phone call, and let me know how you feel, if this feedback makes sense to you, that I need to put more of my energy into like being thankful and grateful for what I'm learning on a day-to-day basis, what I see in him, why I'm actually with him.

versus these things like his drinking habits. Maybe I just need to really practice similar to practicing looking in the mirror and complimenting myself. I can look at him and think of reasons why I love him. Yeah. You said you like to compliment people. You do that as a kindness and it makes you feel good to make other people feel better. I want you to focus on complimenting people from a place of gratitude.

Yes. You are grateful for what these people have done for you. And as a result, you want to compliment them on how, what, you know, because you are grateful for what they've brought to your life.

I love that. Not because it makes you feel better. Yeah. Or not just like something that I think is going to lift them up in the moment, but something I've actually put thought into. Yeah. Because again, when you say that like that, it's like, you're doing the kindness. Here's I'm, I'm lifting them up. I'm making them feel good. I'm inspiring them, you know, like, like again, not like, wow, I've, you know, thank it's again, it's coming from a place of gratitude, not, not, um,

not like you're helping totally okay how does he help you are you asking me or are you just wanting me to think it's a general thought i mean but yeah think about it i don't you know i'm sure there are lots of ways well lots of ways it's a you know you just got to tweak your thought process a little bit you know and again it's a relatively new relationship but you know and the fact that you called it you you sense the disconnect so it's it's just you know

Yeah, I guess like it's like preventative. Like I just want to, I think there's like a balance and I am on the complete other end of the balance where it's like, oh, we live and we learn. And then I hyper fixate on what I've learned. And it's like I'm applying it way too intensely to this present moment instead of living in the moment. Yeah, because part of it is, again, it's control. Like you-

You're hoping that you can learn from past mistakes to avoid ever feeling the mistake again. And that's not possible. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

you know yeah okay all right okay well i appreciate you so much uh thanks for calling in uh always yeah always always good to hear a new uh unique situation but like you know listen you have it's a lot sounds like you should be happy for and grateful for and just again be mindful of how much control you need in any given situation allow your boyfriend

to take more control or have more control, but you can't make it. You just have to let go of your control and see and pass on the ball. Just it's passing the ball and shut the fuck up. You're not, it's not passing the ball and then immediately be as coach.

Oh my God, I know. I do that. Just recognize it, you know? Okay. And then when it comes to complimenting him, you're not complimenting him as a coach or a parent and you're not doing it to make him feel good. You're doing it from a place of gratitude. Yeah. Yeah. I want him to feel genuinely good about himself. Okay. I appreciate it. I'm going to be thinking about this all day and I'm going to write a little list of all the things that I love about him.

Maybe just think about it for an hour and write it down and then not again, because you, you, you stop obsessing. Hyper fix it. Okay. Okay. I don't think this is an all day exercise. It might be a five minute exercise every day. Okay. Okay. I like that. Five minute exercise. Okay. All right. Okay. Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to meet you and thank you for your advice. I'm, I'm, as you are aware, I'm going to really take it to heart and,

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How's it going? It's going well. My name's Megan. I'm 26 and my boyfriend thinks that women's suffrage was a mistake and I don't know if I should end it. Okay. What do you mean by women's suffrage? His exact words were that the 19th amendment was a mistake. What's the 19th amendment? The women's right to vote. Jesus Christ. And how serious do you think he is? We've had many...

many conversations at length. And what even caused you guys to even get to the point where he felt the need to say something as ridiculous as this? Yes. So we were out with a group of friends getting drinks. It was me and a bunch of our guy friends.

And briefly the conversation about like, oh, would you be okay with like your girlfriend or whoever making more money than you kind of came up? And so that was already the tone of the conversation around drinks. And then I ended up talking to this guy who's more peripherally in the friend group. I didn't know him very well. Turns out he has some very conservative views. And he said that he's a proponent of the household vote that's kind of been floating around.

in some media a little bit. I'm not familiar. What is the household vote? The household vote basically going back to there's one vote per household. So women no longer have the right to vote anymore. And the man votes like for the representation. Where is that being floated around? I mean, I've seen it just floating around on on social media and like in some news articles of some very far right conservatives supporting this. Gotcha. All right.

Yeah, we just have to be careful to not, you know, that's the problem with the internet is sometimes the extremes on both sides of which I'm terrified equally of both have way too much of a voice. And because of the shock value of the extremes, they get brought up in conversations and yada yada. Anyways, that being said, your boyfriend sounds like he took the bait.

A little bit. Well, so yeah, so this guy said that. So I turned to my boyfriend asking him if he believes in the household vote, thinking it was going to be like a hell no response. And then he said, well, I think the 19th Amendment might have been a mistake. And then what did you say? I didn't really say much. I kind of.

It was just like, you really think that? And he was like, yeah. And then I actually ended up leaving. So I left him there with everybody because I didn't want it to turn into an argument, you know, in front of the friend group out in public and thought it might be better to talk about it at home. Sure. And then you did you?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We were up for hours that night talking about it. And then again, I'm curious. How did you when you came home? If you remember, how did you broach the subject or get the conversation started up again? I mean, I was like, I think we just need to talk about what you said at the bar. Do you really think that women should have never been given the right to vote? OK. And then he said and he was like, well, it's a little more nuanced than that.

Okay. And then you said... And I was like, okay, so walk me through your thought process. At any point early in this debate, did you ask him, what role do you see me playing in your life if we get married? Yes. So that came...

later, after I had spoken to my therapist about this. Okay. And that didn't go over very well either, to be honest. He went over his beliefs in the conversations that we had. And then when we had a third conversation, that's where I started asking. I actually framed it as knowing that you feel this way.

What are your thoughts on the fact that women can get college degrees and have high-power jobs? They can be doctors and CEOs and attorneys. And do you just envision having a wife that's barefoot and pregnant? She's just a homemaker and having kids, and that's what she does for you. And he didn't really like that. He got kind of defensive about it.

about me asking, well, if this is your belief, you know, how does that extend into other areas? Was that your version of asking what I asked you? What do you mean? Well, I asked you at any point in that conversation, did you ask him specifically? Problem with sometimes conversations like this, right? And what the point I'm trying to make is,

This isn't about the 19th Amendment as far as you and your boyfriend are concerned. This isn't about whatever radical conservative beliefs anyone else thinks or feels. This has your concern and why you're even thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend is you're wondering if these potential radical beliefs that your boyfriend may have, how does it apply to you in your relationship and how he treats you, right? And like,

What role does he want his wife to play? And what role, like what kind of relationship does he want? And what kind of dynamic does he want in a relationship? Because sometimes when we have these conversations, it gets into the weeds, right?

And at the end of the day, you just want to know, are you potentially marrying some guy who's been radicalized by some dark web, red pill, fucking aggro aggressive guys who might have some weird fucking demands once you get married of his wife being potentially you? Because that's your concern. That's my concern. So I did ask him, if we were to be married, would you just want me at home having a

having a bunch of babies. What did he say? That he, he doesn't, I, you know, I asked him like, do you see yourself getting married? Do you see yourself having kids? What does that look like? And he didn't really have a great answer. It was kind of just like, whatever happens will happen. Yeah.

I don't really know. He's 33. What's his back? Like what, what's his child? What's his background? Like what's. Um, tough family life, which I think is contributing to him not wanting to commit to like, I know I want a wife and kids. Okay. How old are you again? 20, 20. I'm 26. 26. He's 33. Okay.

So where are we now? I mean, now things are just kind of weird. I mean, he used to, he lives really close to me. So he used to like stay over every night. I've definitely taken a couple of nights where I was like, I just want to be by myself. And the, the vibe's just kind of off. We've had a conversation about the fact that things are off, but I feel like we haven't fully dove into like, what, what are all of my doubts in the situation? Cause now it's gone from just this,

statement or this belief about the 19th amendment to like, are there all these other incompatibilities? Sure. I mean, did, I'm assuming you asked, but like, does he like just generally have a less respect for women than he has for men? So I asked and I,

you know, said that hearing that, you know, makes me feel like you might think that women should go back to being second class citizens. I'm not sure I phrased it exactly that way. And we had a whole conversation because he's not disrespectful to me. I've never seen him be disrespectful to other women. I think he would give the shirt off his back to anybody who needed it, even if it was like a stranger.

And so his behavior doesn't seem to align with this belief. And so he's like, why can't you just see me for my behavior and get over this belief that I have? Well, because it's a pretty radical belief. And if you really believe it and it's a hill you're willing to die on, then eventually it is going to impact your actions. Yeah, that's my...

Even though, I mean, if it's not that big of a deal and if it's, he was saying it for shock value to piss off his girlfriend at night at the bars because he just felt like being a little toxic. That's one thing. But the fact that he's kind of like, no, I mean, I really kind of actually think this way. It's concerning. Yeah. So I'm grappling with, you know, that's like the way your boyfriend sounds.

You know, it's just like, so why do you believe that? You know? Yeah. And he says if he read or found evidence to the contrary, he's open to his opinion changing, but all evidence points to it might have been a mistake in his eyes. Okay. So why? I mean, he's not here to ask this, but why? What is his evidence that it might have been a mistake? He says things like,

Men used to like listen to women's opinions more before they had the right to vote. So they actually had more of a voice before. And then we get into the argument of like, maybe that's not the case. And just because they can state their opinion doesn't mean there's any power in that without a vote. And now like,

households are more divided between like husband and wife. And this is in like a very much like traditional husband, wife household kind of lens, but they're less united. They're not focusing on talking things through and coming to a mutual decision. It's more focused on partisan politics and maybe they vote against each other just to cancel each other out versus like having those conversations and being a united front. That's crazy. Yeah.

I mean, listen, like Natalie and I, we're not very political in general. We have very similar beliefs in a lot of things. We don't talk about politics almost ever.

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that we're not completely aligned on every topic, but we don't give a fuck. And we very much, when it comes to our household, I like to think, I don't like using the words conservative or progressive because now like everything else, it's become almost radicalized and triggering for people. But like, we very much focus on being a team and we very much focus on being a partnership, but like, we just don't allow politics to,

to dictate our, you know, like I know a lot of people out there, I mean, they might even be listening. It's like, oh, that's such a privilege to, you know, it's like a lot of people, you know, that's, yeah, maybe it does come from a place of privilege, but politics are not my religion. And I do think as, you know, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here, but I do think as human beings, we need a belief system. We need to believe in things greater than ourselves. You know, we need a purpose in life. You know, what is that purpose, right? And

I'm not much of a religious person anymore. I grew up very religious. I'm very familiar with a religious household. I'm comfortable with it. And unlike other people, I generally had a pretty positive experience with my religion. My reasons for not being very religious are just like, I don't know. I just, yeah, it doesn't really matter. But, um,

My point is, us humans, we need a belief system. And we've replaced traditional religion with other things. And one of it is being politics. People now treat their politics like a religion. Like it's, you know, you're going to burn in hell if you believe in one thing or the other. I think that's absurd.

I think, you know, I think that we're worrying about so many things outside of our control and we need to worry about what shows up at our front door. And I think a lot of partnerships, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, whatever, spend too much time arguing about things like politics for the sake of being a right. And they're wasting all that energy when they could just be taking better care of themselves and each other or their children.

And it's not coming from a place of privilege. It's just coming from, like, you got one life. Are you going to spend most of that life arguing with your neighbors? You can be involved. You know, you can have a political belief. You can even stand up for those beliefs and debate people you disagree with. You can vote and you can do your part and it doesn't have to consume and control your whole goddamn life.

And that doesn't mean you're just some privileged person who has the benefit of like, you know, like, and my dad taught me a very important lesson, you know, when I was, you know, a lot of time, you're right, it is all privilege. And a lot of people arguing about politics and a lot of people saying and criticizing other people who say things like I'm not as political, they're privileged too for having that belief about the other privileged people. Because most of the time, if you have the benefit of

of arguing about stuff like this, that means that you're not worried about like how you're getting your next meal. And if you can afford your rent and where your kids are going to get, you know, because they're most people out there don't even have the fucking benefit to argue a politics because they're literally trying to survive that all being said. Yeah. I don't know. It sounds like your boyfriend's a bit radicalized or a bit lost.

And I can't tell the difference because maybe that doesn't matter. Yeah. Because like I was having a week where I was busy and stressed out. So like he's helping me put away my dishes that he didn't even use. And he's taking my dog on a walk and he's doing things around the house to help me out, which I feel like kind of contradicts.

I don't know what you might expect from someone who thinks the 19th Amendment was a mistake. So it's just confusing. Well, yes and no. I don't know. Like, it's a fine line. I think you could find a lot of incredibly conservative, almost radically conservative men

who 98% of the time make some pretty great husbands and, and who are, who want to help and, and, and, and be, and, and take care. You know, it's like, if you're thinking more traditional men, it's just like a lot of what they do, it could be very positive in a sense because they are taking care of the people they love. But the problem was when it gets to the extreme, the problem is they're part of that belief. Isn't like they're taking care of, of, of the people they love because they love to, uh,

they think they're taking care of people they love because the people they're taking care of can't take care of themselves? And is he taking care of you because he loves and respects you and thinks you're more than capable of doing all these things? Or is he doing it because it's his job and honestly, you can't survive without him? It's a fine line. Yeah. I think in his case, I think it's more of the former, but I also feel like he's kind of overcompensating now because we've

And having these discussions and we know things are off that I feel like he's almost trying too hard. There are certain just beliefs out there that are pretty messed up. And if you are serious about backing up messed up beliefs, it really just because you haven't done it yet doesn't mean I'm it's OK to still believe in something as as as radical as what you're saying. You know, I guess I'm just confused if you really don't believe it. Why you only to die on this hill?

And if we're trying to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, you know,

You know, it's like, what are you trying to say that you're, you know what I'm saying? Cause like, maybe it's not about the 19th amendment or this radical, like, but what, what are you trying to say that you're using this argument to try to make that comes across as radical? But like, again, you, I've never, you know, I'm dating you and I never thought I'd be dating a radical conservative man, but like, you're, you're kind of sounding like one. So I'm just, I'm, I'm confused, you know? So like, what the fuck are you trying? What, what, you know, why is he dying on this hill? I don't, you know, is it for being right? Right.

Like, why? He's always been very firm in his beliefs.

I'd rather him tell me than hide it because he knows I don't like it. That's fair. But again, if you thought incest wasn't that big of a deal, just because you haven't fucked a sibling doesn't make it not weird that you think it's not a big deal. Honestly, maybe that analogy will make him see what you're seeing. You can say, this is what I'm struggling with. This is why I'm having a hard time letting this go. Because you saying that feels...

kind of, I mean, I'm having a hard time adjusting. And you're saying, well, I haven't, I don't act that way. I don't do those things. So why are you making it about me? And you could say, well, if you told me you were okay with, again, using this kind of crazy incest, whatever, if I told you I didn't think incest was a big deal,

And that like, I don't know. I just don't think it's that weird. And maybe people, we should allow siblings to like get married and have kids just because I didn't sleep with my

brother, wouldn't that bother you knowing I believe that? Yeah, that might be a good way to phrase it. Because that's how, yeah. And you'd be like, cause that's kind of how you're sounding to me. And I, I don't know. I want to be with the person that if one day they might real, I might wake up and realize that they voted against my right to vote. Cause he says that he doesn't think we should take it away now, but I'm like, it worries me that you might think that if it were to ever happen.

come to that. But the fact that he doesn't think it's a non-negotiable is concerning. Yeah. What about like women only be allowed to vote and not men? How about that? Like if it's a household vote, like why, why not? He doesn't think that's the same. Yeah. Why not? He doesn't think that's the same. Why not? He doesn't have a great response. I mean, like men have started more wars than women ever have. He made a comment at one point about like women being more emotional than men and that really upset me.

Like, because we might be more emotional, we're going to make poor choices with our vote. I mean, I'm ashamed to say that the younger version of me had thought that way about, not about this particular topic, but so that maybe there's just some immature ignorance on his part. I wasn't 33. I know that I was more like 19, but. And that makes a difference.

Yeah. But, you know, again, if he wants to make a silly argument there, again, there are a lot of tropes and stereotypes of men that are, are, there's a lot, there's a lot of truth to, again, if you, you know, the emotional, like it's like, well, how many wars have women started compared to men? Women are more emotionally regulated compared to like their, their egos meant, you know, like what men have killed millions of people in the name of being right or feeling more powerful or, you know, being greedy. So,

what about that and the truth is it's kind of silly for you guys to have this argument and you know and that's what i want to know it's like i want to know if i'm you i want to know why is this a hill you're trying to die on other like is it just about being right and like what what point are you trying to make if any if anything you know because like he needs to at least at a minimum

For you to stay in this relationship, I think he needs to at least acknowledge that analogy, the fact that he is condoning this thought process, that it's concerning from your point of view. Because whether it's now or later, he's describing...

a world that you want nothing to do with. And you don't want to condone that type of radical belief. You don't want to live in a world where it's like women can't vote or are treated like second-class citizens.

Would you want to walk around being like, yeah, you know, I love my wife, my girlfriend. She just is weirdly okay with pedophilia. But other than that, she's pretty, she's chill. And by the way, just so you know, she has not ever victimized a child as far as I know, but she does think it's not that big of a deal. Like, would he, would that, is that what? Yeah, absolutely not. Would he be down for that? Like. Probably not. And he'd come up with some reason why it's different. I mean, that doesn't make it so. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, let's like, shh.

you might have to break. I don't know. Listen, either, either, either he really means it or he's too, he's too stubborn for his own good. And like, you know, this is kind of silly and we don't even know how serious it is in a weird way, but like, it's weird. And if, I mean, we've probably talked about it for like,

hours at this point and he's not giving up his stance he just if anything seems to think i'm misunderstanding because it's okay as bad as i think what am i misunderstanding because this is how i see it and then you give him that analogy that we talked about like and then ask him what then that kind of my point what is the point you're trying to make and forgetting about pop take take pop don't use political terms forget about the 19th amendment what is the point you're trying to make and why

And what's the outcome you're trying to accomplish? Like, you know, if he's just arguing for the sake of being right, then like you're, this is annoying. And all it's caused me to do is kind of think you're a different person or less of you just for, just so you can win an argument. Cause I don't know.

Maybe he's just so stubborn. He needs to be right that I wouldn't ignore this. I definitely wouldn't let it go. Yeah. Well, and I think part of the issue now is just how he's responded to it. Like when I start asking, okay, what, how do you envision your life? Like, do you envision yourself getting married, having kids? What does that look like? He, he basically said that he finds that type of conversation to be completely unhelpful, but he's willing to have it if it's helpful for me. Yeah.

Does it relate to this argument or like as just as whole separate? I think in general, like he, he said that he prefers to just kind of figure out those thoughts and beliefs as you go versus like sitting down and actually communicating like, this is what I see my life looking like. He finds that to be unhelpful. Having goals. He finds unhelpful. I don't know about having goals, but isn't that what it is? I guess so. Yeah. And so that's like, do you, what do you want? I don't know.

Goals might change, but it's good to have them. - Yeah. - Especially, you know. - His only goal is that he wants to be extremely independent and live on a farm and grow his own food. I don't wanna live on a farm. - So why are you dating this guy? I mean, he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't even know if he wants to have kids or get married.

He might be radical. And even his goal is a little radical. I mean, I'm all for like, as I've gotten older, I've always liked a busy city. I've always lived in a city. Now that I'm a little older, I've definitely enjoyed a more quiet life.

That's cool. But like a 33 year old man, all he wants to do is live on a farm and grow his own food in case like, you know, the, the radical left takes over. Like that's how he sounds like. Yeah, I guess that's kind of where I'm at now. Like there's this, this issue, but it's now spiraled into like, I feel like there's so many incompatibilities popping up, but what I'm having a hard time with is.

He treats me well. I enjoy spending time with him and I'm just grappling with, you know, what's, is it worth it or not? Yeah. It's a tough situation, but treating you well is nice. Enjoying those are, those are good, but like, I don't, his, you guys have to want to set, you got it. You want to have to want the same things and maybe your non-negotiables aren't aligned. I mean, he's a pretty good boyfriend and,

But, you know, I wouldn't waste these years on someone you're just not compatible with. Yeah. You know, I think to help yourself, you need to do your part in the not needing to be right argument. You need to stop, you know, forget about the 19. I mean, this is a crazy conversation, but what this conversation has done for you is made you question your

and made you realize that you don't know if you and your boyfriend want the same things. And you are still really young, but at a very pivotal time in your life that you do not want to waste these... These are great years. 26, great years. And you shouldn't waste it on people who don't know...

You might, you know, like, yeah. So like, it's, you just want to be mindful of that, you know? So you're going to change this conversation of like, I don't, are we compatible? And just, and not throw it like an accusation, just be like, I don't know, maybe we're not. Like, you know, just-

And do you know that you want to get married and have kids? I know that I'd like to be married. I'm very leaning towards the no kids side open to the fact that I might change my mind. Just as a general, I'm just generally curious is why. I just, I don't have this burning desire to be a mother. I have a dog. I love being a dog mom. Okay. I just, I was just curious. I just, I, and I don't want to seem like I'm, I'm not trying to push you in any one direction. It's just more like there,

There is definitely a, a, when I talk to younger people, this mentality that like, what's the point because life is trash and the world's on fire and that I hate for people. Yeah. I don't think I come at it from that view. It's just like, I'm very career oriented and entrepreneurial and I want to travel and I just don't,

I don't see like, Oh, I have to be a mother for my life to be fulfilling. Great. Awesome. So I don't know, again, so then maybe in that department, you guys are compatible because he doesn't know either, but yeah, I, I would just pose the question that it's just weird that he's very stubborn about this topic. And it's, it's, it's crazy. I've never, I, it's crazy. It's alarming. I don't, I mean, I never would have asked him. I did not.

expect this at all. I never would have posed the question. I thought he would fully say that was crazy. So I was not expecting it at all. I consider myself to be fairly moderate, you know? Like, I have...

points of view that I think are probably generally more conservative than others. And I have points of view that are pretty progressive. And that sounds fucking radical to me, man. Like, I don't, it's just like a crazy, if someone, I would just be like, what website were you on, dude? Like, what, what do you like? Who are you even listening to? You know? Yeah. I don't know where he found this. I,

I've talked about this with very few people, but that was actually a question my mom had. And she was like, where is he reading this? Where is he getting this idea? And I have no idea. Because if I'm you, that's more of the concern. Because it came from somewhere.

And who are his circle of influence? Because maybe it's just like a petty fight now, but if he continues to consume or surround himself with the people who are planting these very radical thoughts in his head, then these radical thoughts for him will only become more normalized. And he's going to start maybe acting on them.

I don't know, but like, I would find out where this came from. And if he, if he can't acknowledge that it's a radical point of view, even if he thinks he's right, then, then that's a, that's, I wouldn't let that go. Yeah. I don't think I could let that go personally either.

just like it's hard to let go of all the good things i don't know no i totally get it yeah it's just listen this is a very unique i i i'm kind of like i'm like i'm kind of wondering if you're fucking with me no i mean i know there's very much not i wish i was

Only because like, yeah, you know, clearly talking to you, like it's, I'm like, how did this, how did a woman like this end up being a guy like that in the first place? You know, cause that's what's kind of. I never thought I'd be here. I'll tell you that, but I've thought that before. So. Yeah. The best thing you can do as far in terms of, you know, cause ultimately you called in trying to get some clarity, right? And I don't know how much I offered other than like commiserating with the shock of your situation is you try to have to, again, not make it about this person.

political conversation or the 19th Amendment, and you have to try to not be accusatory or make him feel stupid, but generally curious as to why he thinks that way and push him when he says, well, I don't know, I just do, and get him to acknowledge, well, fair enough, but that's the part that is concerning to me because this is how I hear it, and then give him that analogy.

And if, if he just wants to be right, fine. But like in good conscience, you wouldn't want to date someone who thought blank was legal and vice versa. Okay. All right. I've been kind of dealing with like, do I have this conversation right now? Or do I take a step back? Cause I feel like I haven't had a ton of time to myself to like even process that.

everything and think about like what I want. Do you think it's more beneficial to sit down and have that conversation first or to take a couple of days and then have it? I don't know if it really matters. I mean, what's the rush? Yeah, I guess there isn't a rush. You know, if you feel like right now, you know, processing that, I don't know, like, I guess there's no reason to be hasty, then...

don't be hasty. And if you feel like you just kind of want to sit with it for a while and sit with it. But in the meantime, he clearly understands that you're upset about this and he has the opportunity to try to do something. And maybe that's why you want to sit and wait because you want to see if he's going to knock on your door and be like, hey, I'm sorry. I was just kind of being an ass and I'm realizing that now. And I don't actually think that way. But I don't know if that's the case. It's been a few weeks, so I don't think I'm going to get that. I think it's more of like, I might either like

eating, working, sleeping, or I'm with him. And so like my head's all like not clear on like, are we even compatible in other ways? Take some time to think about that.

And, you know, that's the thing. That's... If there's a silver lining here, maybe it's raised some valid questions that you need to take some time to think over. Because what I'm hearing is maybe if you do decide to end this relationship, you don't want it to be over some random thing he said, right? Because that almost feels trivial. It's just like... And that's kind of how he's acting and seeing it. Is this like... Are we really going to break over this bar conversation? Yeah. And I mean, his...

He was talking to someone a while before he and I started seeing each other. And the reason they stopped seeing each other was because she disagreed with his political views so much. And so when this was kind of coming up, he was like, it's happening to me again. And I don't I don't know if I want to just be like the number two on that list of girls, but maybe I need to be.

Well, to me, that's kind of a red flag. I mean, he's not seeing the problem. If he's acting like a victim here, your views are radical, bro. Yeah. And most, you know...

And that, you know, you need to be around a radical person. Yeah. Well, he's not going to find one where we live, I don't think. But he can try, I guess, if I decide to end it. Yeah. Well, he's clearly very stubborn and he is choosing to act like the victim in a situation where he's definitely not. Yeah. Which I think is a bit of a red flag that he's acting like the victim.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, take care. Please give us an update. I need to know where this. Oh, I definitely will. Okay. I listen to you every week, so. I appreciate it. I'll send the update when I have one. I definitely want to know what you end up doing. I'll let you know. I'm very fascinated. I'll let you know. All right. Take care. Thank you so much for your time. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

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How's it going? It's doing good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jen. How old are you, Jen? 33. And how can I help? Well, my question is, is it time to cut off my deadbeat baby daddy for good? Okay. Well, he is your baby daddy, so I don't know how much, you know, he's kind of in your life for a while, but romantically, I'm assuming you're meeting? No, not romantically. We...

I ended things like officially in 2019 due to games. I found out that he's done his character. It just isn't the greatest. And there's a lot that came out. Like what? I've never even heard a caller like say anything along the lines that I found out stuff that he's done. And do you want me to give you some examples? If you're comfortable with it. Yeah. Well, for one, he tried to have sex with my sister in my car.

On Mother's Day, we like went to the beach the whole day and then it was a good day. And then afterwards, he went to the gym and then he was supposed to get ice cream at the store after the gym for Mother's Day. And then he called me at like 10 p.m. and then didn't come home till like 2 a.m. And come to find out my sister has been going through some stuff and he ended up, he hasn't really been talking with the family. And then come to find out he ran into her that night.

And then they went in my car and I don't know, that's a whole thing. That's a whole nother story. Another thing is I found out. Did your sister do any, like, was she immediately like, no, don't, or they messed around? So my sister was like into some drugs at this time. She's a lot better now. We're rebuilding our relationship. But at the time she was like MIA from the family. So about a month after that happened, she messaged me. So it feels like your ex-husband really took advantage of her weaknesses.

Yeah. Yeah, he definitely did. I don't know what happened. I don't know that my sister told me all this stuff and I didn't believe her because I'm like, you're a drug, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was true. It's come out that it was true.

Another thing that he did, he missed Thanksgiving one year. And also we were never married. Thank God. But anyways, he missed Thanksgiving one year. And then I went through his computer and saw that he was posting Craigslist ads, seeking sex on Thanksgiving. Not that it matters like what day, but like that was just like a damn, you know. He loves a holiday. He does. I noticed his ad a little like,

scene, you know? I've never heard any caller talk about these scenes where I'm like versus weird, you know, another scene when I was pregnant with my son, you know, I was wanting him to kind of like, you know, when we hooked up, like I don't want to get down on me, whatever. He would refuse and he was like, no, that's, you know, you're pregnant. That's disgusting. Anyways, now, you know, fast forward. I'm not pregnant anymore, but he goes out with his friends. When they find out he hooks up with a pregnant woman in his truck that I fucking co-signed for. No,

Not that it matters, but I, you know, and I got him a truck for Father's Day. And on top of it, he did drugs with her. And he felt some remorse and he wrote himself a letter. And I found the letter. And in the letter, it was like, I don't know why I did this. I don't even know what kind of drugs we were doing. She was pregnant. I went down on her, which, by the way, he refused to do with me forever. I thank God we didn't have sex and stuff like that. I'll have the letter if you want to read.

And then another thing is he went to California and he has a cousin that's gay, which they're close, which is cool. He was staying with his cousin. When he came home, I clearly had trust issues for multiple reasons. So I went through his cousin's text messages just to see like, oh, you know, guy talk, like, did he hook up with someone, whatever. And I just was flabbergasted by what I read. I was like, not expecting this. But apparently his cousin texted him at like three in the morning saying they were at a party.

And they're like, Hey bro, want to have a threesome? And I want to massage you. Can you come in the room? And I just was like, I, out of all of these things, the one that I left him was my sister. You know, I ended up staying for the other one because I'm an idiot. But when I found out about my sister, that was 2019. And we, I had a relationship. So those are just a few things. This is like that list of 20. I know. And I've never heard a caller talk about it. Your podcast has helped me tremendously, by the way, when it came to all this stuff, I like,

like want to thank you for that because you've got me out of a horrible relationship and all of the stuff that you say for finding a new one has helped me find the most amazing person I could ever ask for. So it's to do to a lot of your podcasts. Oh, thank you for saying. Okay. So what I'm hearing is your baby daddy is a mess. Thankfully you're finally out of it. It sounds like you're even in a better relationship now. So what, what are you, you know, you started by asking if you could, should cut off your baby daddy. Like, what does that look like? And you know, like,

What specifically are you considering doing? I just feel like, I'm glad you let me talk about the things he's done, just give you a little idea about his character. Because I know you say not to like,

stretch people's character and stuff but like that to me is just like he's just has issues like he's just you know clearly um and I'm just point where he's also never helped so even when we were together you know even after the fact we'll just say after the fact he's never helped emotionally financially physically just he doesn't help he's never helped he's never I've never filed for child support I think in my head I'm just like I would rather have the peace of life you

not dealing with it to make sure as a judge, you know, he might fight me since he cares more about money than him than anything else. He always says he would fight me since I make more money than him for custody and all this stuff. So I've never filed, but I've asked him like, Hey, I just paid for his football. It's four 50. I just paid for his basketball. It's 300. I have to go get this. It's, you know, X amount of money. He's never giving me anything. So I just, and then he only saw him every two hours, every Thursday, but it's like, my son doesn't want to go see him.

And he's old. He's getting old. So he's like nine years old and he's getting to the point where he can just, he's not stupid. He can feel the vibes of him and he's just not a good person. Whenever I forced my son to call him, the last conversation, he was basically telling my son that his brother is moving and that this is the best thing he could ever do. And then he said the best thing that he ever did was move to Utah, which was years ago. And he only moved for like two months and came back. But anyways, he

He said that was the best thing he's ever done. And then my son goes over having me. And then he goes, yeah, sorry, but that's, but it's true. And that hurt my son. And he started bawling and he said, I hate you. Hunt up the phone. Then my boyfriend came home from the gym who has stepped up as a father, by the way, in every way, like he is basically the father and they, and asked him to adopt him.

Oh, I'm sorry. And that was crazy. And I mean, it was sweet, but also sad. He refuses to call my phone to co-parent or anything to talk. He got my son his gizmo watch and he only wants to talk through this gizmo watch. And he basically wants Jack to talk to him through this watch. But can I show you the last scene? Yeah.

My son sent to him. He did a voice memo and I went through it. I didn't know my son did this because he hurt him when he said that conversation. My child's father hurt him when he said when moving was better than having you. Sorry, but it's true. And that hurt my son a lot. And so now he will text my son like, oh, hi, thinking of you. Hi, miss you only on this watch. But and then my son responded and said this to him. Hopefully you're able to hear it. But this is what he wrote or said in a voice memo.

Did you hear that? Yeah. I'll call you when you admit that you hurt me. And then after that, he doesn't respond for a week. And then he goes, love you thinking of you. That's it. Doesn't call. And then I say, thinking of you here for you, when you decide to call, hope you're doing okay. Just random Texas. But it's like, dude, he just said, admit that you hurt him, you know? And so I'm just at a point, like on top of that, Nick, he's never gone to a school conference, not one. He,

he doesn't, and my son has ADHD and the principal emailed me and him, the C-suite of a behavioral specialist, the teacher, the counselor, because my son's been talking to the school counselor and they wanted to have like a specific appointment just to help my son with, you know, his ADHD. He's doing fine, but just he's, he needed that. We need to figure out some stuff, which we did. And he didn't respond to one email. He didn't,

He didn't come to the conference. Nothing. Just doesn't ask. Nothing. So let me ask. So we've established that your ex and father of your child is an absolute loser. So we got that. So I completely empathize with how you're feeling. So one is your son, because to me, he's the biggest concern in this equation, right? Obviously yours too. Yes.

And he's obviously old enough and self-aware. And I'm pretty proud of him for setting that boundary with his dad. I don't know where he got that from, but that's pretty cool. Oh, you know, but like, have you looked in any type of child psychology to like, just. He's in one. So he, and you know, what's interesting is he asked to talk to one and I will thank you because you've helped me set boundaries. And then he watches me. And I think that's why he's doing that. And I'm really proud of him. I will say he,

he asked to talk to a counselor. He asked to talk to a psychiatrist. Like, so he's talking to people, you know, and he's very aware of her trying to send that. I was like, I was at a point where I just like, everyone's in my ear, like file for child support, file for child support. And I, and at this point, after what he said, I kind of want to, just because I like, see,

He owes probably so much money. But then the other part of me is like, should I just keep it as it is? And just like, cause like he cares more about money. Like I don't want to fight. I don't want to go to court. What if the judge is like, you have to go. So my response to that is like, this is definitely a big case of making sure you're happy and not right. Right. Yeah. Do you understand your rights?

Like, have you spoken to a lawyer who specializes in custody cases? - I haven't been one-on-one with a lawyer, but one of my, I own the business and one of my clients, he owns a firm. And so we've had like multiple conversations. Just, I asked, you know, asked him about it.

And he would give me some advice on some situations. He basically said about the adoption and stuff. And if I did file, it would probably be good because he probably won't pay. And then we have more of a chance of my boyfriend to adopt my son. But I just don't know what the right thing is to do. You know, I just don't know. I think right now, the first thing you need to do is I'm glad you got some advice from someone who seems to know a little bit about this, but I would just go meet with a lawyer who specializes in this. Yeah.

and fully understand your rights. I doubt your baby daddy has done that, right? So he's just making threats to you to try to scare you to, you know, whatever. But like, you need to fully understand what you can do and what you can't do, what is available to you, what risks are, you know, what risks might come up by you taking certain actions. I just want you to understand your risks and your rights.

Right. Yeah. And I did actually talk to an attorney on the phone for an hour, but, and he did go over stuff, but we didn't really go over a lot of the risks and

Like there's a lot more to it. I feel like I should know. I'm glad you've already talked to people, but you're here like, Nick, what should I do? What's the right thing to do? And we can sit here and talk about the moralities of this decision, but this is bigger than just like what, you know, the morality of the choice. You need to, you know, first you need to protect your child. You need to protect yourself. And so, and to do that, you need to understand your rights. And the good thing you have going for you is I doubt based off what you're telling me about your baby daddy, he sounds like a loser. And most losers aren't smart enough to like,

you know, understand their rights. And, and he, and if he doesn't have a means to like, you know, if he's kind of a loser when it comes to money, yeah, he just, he probably doesn't know. So you getting ahead of it gives you advantages that, you know, he would, you would otherwise not have. Yeah. He just always threatens to fight me and say that I'm going to have to pay him child support since I make more money than him.

But obviously at this point, I'm not scared of that. I don't know if that's true or not true. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like maybe, maybe it's true. Maybe it's not true, but yeah. I mean, that's my fear though. Like we go, because I feel like he would fight because he doesn't fight now. So he clearly doesn't care. But when there's money involved, I feel like he will. But again, that's why you need to, that's why you need to understand your rights because you and I are just sitting here guessing about hypotheticals and things we don't know. Yeah. And you need someone who just fully, all right.

Here are your options. If you do A, you know, here are the advantages. Here are the risks. If you B, advantages, risks. C. One of the risks the attorney did say is if I do file, he could fight and that he could potentially have like been like every other weekend or something. And that's my concern. That's a risk to me because I don't want, I think it's better my son not to be around him at this point. You know, like that to me is a risk. I'm like, do I, I don't care. I care more about my son's peace.

than the money. So, so what are you considering doing? I don't know. This is like such a big, I honestly feel like I just want to keep going as is have in, I guess the part of me wants to file because I'm angry, but the other part of me is like, do I just let it go and just let him keep doing what he does, whatever that is. He doesn't, he's not a father, you know? And then I just, I don't know. I guess I just don't know if it's time to find him out and not like, it was like, do I force my son to call him? Do I not force my son?

Well, I mean, I would defer to your child psychologist, but my very unexperienced opinion is I definitely wouldn't like it. Your kid seems to be old enough to set boundaries for himself. And I think a lot of parents in your situation, I can empathize with why, will project their bullshit onto their kids and fight with their exes through their kids and use their kids as a way to get back

at their partner. I'm not sensing that from you. I'm sensing you're almost still trying to do the right thing even though your ex hasn't given you any reason for you to try to do the right thing.

So if your son doesn't want to talk to his dad, I would respect your son's boundaries. I would also acknowledge that your son has the right to feel how he feels and that he's okay to feel that way. And as sad as it is, he's also not alone in how he's being treated. Sadly, he's

He's not the only, sadly, not the only child with a, with a parent like this. You know, you want to make sure he doesn't feel like there's something, you know, it's his fault or he did anything, you know, and just making sure your son is okay. And then whatever your son wants to do. Now, your big concern is like if, when your son, if, and when he wants to maybe give his dad a second chance that you don't think he deserves.

And is he going to want a second chance with his dad and make input, put him like as a 15, 16 year old young man, will he be more vulnerable? You know, I don't know, but like right now it sounds like your, your, your son has a pretty good head on his shoulders and he's,

He's got you. And, and thankfully your boyfriend is, you know, is doing a great job of, of, of playing the role he's playing. But I would just, yeah. I mean, my only, my big advice to you is just don't do anything petty. And don't force him to call if he doesn't want you. Yeah. And what's your motivation to potentially force him to call? I don't know. To be honest, my boyfriend thinks I had Stockholm syndrome in that. Not anymore. But even when me and my boyfriend got together, like I would make excuses and, and,

I don't know why. I don't, I honestly don't know why. I, for so long, tried the relationship to work. I tried to understand my ex so much. I tried, I would do things like what you said, instead of like coming at them, like just

just like talking in a way of like, just trying to understand him. Like, why did you do that? It's like, what is what's going on in your head? You, you, at this point, you trying to understand him as you trying to understand yourself. Like you, you know, when you told me the story of all the crazy shit he did, you had to acknowledge that most of those things weren't enough for you to leave. It took him trying to hook up with your sister to want to leave. So there's probably a lot of shame or embarrassment or whatever that you're feeling about your choices and

And then it's easier to like explain his actions. Cause if you can justify his actions, then you can justify yours. That's just my guess. No, for sure. Yeah. It's a lot. And I just, I don't really know. I'm just at a point where, you know, I just am. So I just don't know the right moves and I'm trying to take the steps to do it. But like cutting him out is what I will. If in my perfect world, I would like cut him out, have my boyfriend adopt my, our son. Cause he's been the

fed to every appointment, a school, a conference since we were together. So we've been together since 2022. My son was six. He's been, he's going to school for nuclear engineering and he's going to be graduating in two months. And since my son has also seen him in school and doing this work, like he loves school now, you know, we had such a problem in school before. And since he's came into our lives, his grades went from like F to B, you

And I just feel like he's such a better dad and he has the, he can actually like, he's earned that role. But then to actually go through with it just seems like a lot, to change his last name and to not cut his dad out. But I really don't, he doesn't even talk to his family. His sister just got married and he didn't go. So I had to talk to his mom, talk to his sister, meet up with his sister. Why are you doing that still? I don't know. This is where my boyfriend tells me that too. And I think it's just that this family, you know,

you know that's his family too if his grandma and aunt or whatever wants to be involved in your son's life and they're proactive about being involved in your son's life then great then if you feel comfortable and safe and you think they're genuinely good people then you can allow that to happen i don't think you need to be going out of your way to make sure that he is

okay yeah no that makes sense it's hard for me and i don't know why i think i just have like oh like you know i care about my son and i want him to have these relationships yeah but like you know i don't know like how many how many people are like that close with their aunts and uncles yeah no i know you know you know that's true yeah but he's nine so it's like i don't know and it was his aunt's wedding you know so as you get in my ex you

you know, even told me his sister was getting married and he just talked so down, even on the phone, the last conversation they had, he's talking down about his family to my son. And it's just like, I just don't think that's good for my son to hear these things. And I'm just trying to be that person. That's like, this is your family. Like, I'll make sure that you, you know, I got you, you know, but you're right. I won't go out of my way to like, for them to have one. You have some, are you seeing a therapist? Yeah.

No, I did. Your podcast has been therapy for me. I get it. But I'm not a therapist and I appreciate you saying that. And I'm glad you find value in it. But like, yeah, you clearly have some stuff to work through and unpack and you're doing a good job and, you know, and you have great intentions, but like you have some blind spots and that we all do. And, you know, don't ruin a good thing by putting too much pressure on your boyfriend. He's not your therapist.

And he's already doing a good job of playing the role as a dad, even though that's not, you know, his biological son. And that, you know, I'm sure, I'm sure your boyfriend gets a lot of value. I'm sure your son has brought a lot of value into his life and you've done the same, but I'm just saying like, be careful of ignoring the help you need. And then, and then assuming that you're getting in other aspects of people who aren't qualified to give it, you know, I wouldn't want your boyfriend to ultimately just feel a little overwhelmed by this, what,

what feels like a, you know, I'm sure your ex feels like a virus or this fucking just disease that won't go away as far as he's concerned. He's like a, yeah, he's like a leak. And if I were to let him, but I don't think you're realizing how much you bring up your ex's drama.

to your boyfriend out of this guilt that you feel of making sure that your son still has a normal childhood and this kind of making sure he calls his dad who who's shown time and time again to either hurt your son with his words or give him terrible advice or just kind of insisting he has a relationship with you know his side of the family again if he wants to great if they're proactive

great and they still say fine but like okay it's i'm getting the impression that you're doing a little too much and you're not sure what's the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do and i think that's where maybe a therapist can just you know someone to check into and who you know might help you workshop these things because honestly like i just don't know if it's if

If your boyfriend's doing most of the emotional regulating for you, it just like, I just, I would be careful not to put it all on him. Yeah, no. And I have, I've been a lot better. The beginning of our relationship was a lot worse. And I do feel like I have finally let go. Like maybe like six months ago, it took that long just to like, not even care about my ex's feelings. And that is a little strange to me. It's why did I care? Like why?

do what, you know, I don't know. It's a great question, but I am letting go. Like I officially feel like if he was, and I'm pregnant now and I'm four months. And I feel like since my ex found that out too, like he has been a little bit more aggressive with Jack. What do you mean by aggressive? Like he's like the last conversation. He just seemed to be more like, he doesn't care that he's hurting his feelings. And then he told my son that I bought him a PS5 for his

for his birthday. And he was like, on the last conversation, he goes, you don't deserve a PS5. And so now he randomly goes, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve that. I feel like he doesn't feel like he's deserving. I'm like, you are deserving, honey. Don't let him tell you you're not deserving. And I tried to tell my ex what you said. He doesn't deserve this. Watch your word. It's like,

You know, it's not, you know, I mean like you're wasting energy trying to like lecture your ex or like coach your ex. I mean, he's clearly not a good dad, not even a good person. He wasn't a good partner. He's not even a good sibling or son. He's just kind of a loser. No. And at this point they haven't talked for a month and a half besides these stupid messages. He says, I,

thinking of you randomly. And that's where I think I feel bad. He messages him on this watch and he refuses to call my phone though. I mean, have you told your son you're really proud of him for setting this boundary? Mm-hmm. Good. Just keep doing that. It's just like, you know, it must be really hard to hear your dad say those very mean things that are not true. And I'm just really proud of you for standing up for yourself. And that's very brave of you. And like, that's...

I don't even know if I could have done that when I was your age. You know, again, like be there to like- No, we praise him. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the counseling has helped him a lot too because he's very like aware of his feelings. I just think you need to do, take your son's advice.

follow your son's lead. Your son was brave enough and mature enough to recognize that maybe he needs some help. And I think right now you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and you've got a lot of good things going on. But when it comes to your ex-husband or boyfriend or whatever, you're kind of spiraling a little bit and you're pregnant. And like, I just don't want you wasting an ounce of energy on this guy.

If nothing changes, do you, this is like a kind of separate question. Do you think it would be wrong to have my boyfriend adopt my son if he's continuously doing the cycle of hurting him? No, I mean what you're describing, like, again, I don't understand the legal ramifications and I know that like all this can be just very messy, but like it,

It doesn't sound like your son's dad deserves to have any access to your son. And it sounds like he puts, all he does is put your son at risk. And I think he doesn't deserve the right to have access to his kid. I think he's dangerous. That's my opinion based on what you're telling me. Well, I...

I'm glad you're telling me that I honestly didn't know what your advice would be like I had two other questions I wanted to ask but I decided not to but I already kind of knew what you were going to say to be honest but but this one I genuinely didn't know so I appreciate it does feel like I know the right thing to do it's just hard to do I guess you

You know, as far as like, I, you know, I think you're right though. I think the things that matter, it sounds like you have a lot of those things going for you. And I don't know if the legal system makes your, your boyfriend and the father of your, the child you're, you're growing inside of you right now makes them any less of a dad to your nine year old son.

because of what the courts say. Yeah, no, 100%. But what the attorney basically told me is because he hasn't been present or he does never pay a child support for one, that's a big one, we don't need his approval for my boyfriend to adopt him. We can take him to court and the judge would probably sign off that it's okay. But that's where all these other people file for child support. But part of me just doesn't even want to file for it. It's like, I don't even want

Well, I would definitely not do anything you don't need to do just for the sake of being right or petty or to get back at them. And if you don't need the money and asking for this guy's money puts you or your son at risk, I definitely wouldn't fucking do it. Okay. Thank you for saying that. You're like the only person in my life who say that. Me and my boyfriend are the only ones that are like, let's maybe look into everything before because we want, ideally...

When he asked him to adopt him, like, first of all, my heart shattered. Like, for great, it was sad, but also, like, the most amazing thing. Like, their relationship is, he's the best person. And I truly, like, want to thank you a lot. Because I know a lot of it was me, but, like,

Your podcast just helped me so much, you know, just the things when even when dating, you know, like dating was the whole thing. And then finding my boyfriend and the right boundaries to say for what I want. And then I just feel like it's all it's really all worked out great. And your podcast has been a huge help. So I really, I really appreciate you saying that's very kind. But just give yourself credit. You're doing good things. I really think you should look into some therapy. Yeah.

Just try it, you know? And it's not like, oh, you need therapy. You have like, you're all fucked up and you need some work, but like, you just, you need to get things out sometimes. And if nothing else, I want you to like, not have it just be you unloading on your boyfriend about your ex-boyfriend all the time. And I'd like, you know, like, yeah, like,

We can't do this all the time. And that's why you should get a therapist. But like, you know, I'd rather have you get this out with me than just exhaust the people who have heard it over and over. Well, I did have one, though, just, you know, I did have one. And we also that therapist told me they're like, literally, they're like, we've never told anyone what to do, but leave him. That's what he said. He literally looked at me and said, leave him. And that was when that was going on with my sister, I think.

But then I saw him a couple more times and then we stopped. But I will do it again. Well, you can always start up again and you can find someone else. I'm like, it's just...

Yeah. Taking care of your mental health. I mean, I know it's like taking care of your physical health. Sometimes you're pretty active at the gym or pretty active. You hire a trainer and then you stop using a trainer and then you realize maybe I need to use it. You know, like same thing with like a therapist. It's not a cure-all. It's just maintenance, right? And I think it's also just a way to alleviate some of the stresses, anxiety, and pressure that like you have to get some of this shit out is kind of my point. And I just would like you to get it

out in a very healthy and productive way as opposed to a toxic way. And if you're not dealing with it in a healthy way, you're just at risk of it coming. At some point, you're just going to have to get this stuff out and you're going to have to work through it. And I just, you know, just protect your healthy relationships and don't exhaust your healthy relationships by avoiding

you know, dealing with your stuff in a more productive way, like therapy. Yeah, no, I'll, I'll do that. I do feel like I've let go of a lot of things, but, and I don't, it's not like I talk to my friends all the time about this. I really have let it go a lot, but it is still, it's just more so the custody stuff, but I, I will talk to someone. It will help me. I know just to like that stuff because he pisses me off and that will probably always be a fact. Listen, you're not, you're not the first and you won't be the last person who had a beautiful child with an absolute loser, you know? Yeah.

Like he's the worst. Like I've never heard a call. Like I, there's even more like your mouth would be on the ground. Like I've never heard a caller say anything. And what I find honestly embarrassing is like when he cheated on me, it wasn't like a normal feed.

feeding like at least go to the bar and meet someone but you can't because i think you're freaking clearly you haven't like it's weird like you're craigslist ads and there's something wrong i mean there's something wrong with your freaking weird it's embarrassing it's like what the hell like but it's also your problem is that you're still making it your problem

Yeah. And, you know, listen, it is, again, kind of like some of your first call. I mean, he is the father of your son. So it's just like, you know, if you didn't share a kid together, maybe he still wouldn't be in your life. But you are making him more of your problem than it sounds like you need to, because you do have things working for you that some other parents who are co-parenting with difficult people don't. Is that the fact that your ex is pretty absent?

and not involved and doesn't try to be. And you're actually, you know, and that's kind of a good thing rather than him going, actually falling through with some of these threats and really making life a lot more difficult. I mean, this, this situation could be so much worse. And I'm sure there's a lot of single parents out there who are listening, you know, wishing they're in your situation as crazy as it sounds. So no, and I know, and there's been people that have called into you or have a friends that are like going through a battle and for, and then that's why I'm like, I love the

piece. You know, I think I didn't have that for so long and I don't know why I stayed with it for so long. It's a million dollar question, but no, it's not, it's not a million dollar question. It honestly like, yeah, maybe unpack it in therapy, but you do not have to ruminate over and over. What's important is that you're out of it. You know, what's important is you finally found the strength and you set that boundary.

I mean, if you want to understand it a little better, so to make sure you don't make the same mistake in the future, but you don't need to sit there and analyze it over and over. And then that's what I'm kind of saying is that you seem to be doing it a little bit more than you realize. And I think you're still spending a little bit too much energy worrying about things related to your ex that quite honestly, you don't have to worry about. The problem's almost been solved.

I think you're still kind of too emotionally invested. I think you're reaching out and connecting with his family too much. Again, if they want to be proactive and go out of their way to make sure they still have a relationship with their nephew or their grandson, let them, but it's not your job or your responsibility. And you need to focus more on your son and your boyfriend and the baby. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Well, thank you. I appreciate your advice. I wasn't sure, honestly, like I said, what you're going to say. So I knew you're probably going to say he's a loser. And there's a lot of times you're like, don't, you can't, or what do you say? Like, you can't, you know, categorize a narcissist, but he is one, like a hundred percent. Like-

But he's everything under the sun, but who cares? I know it doesn't matter, but it just doesn't matter. Like he is, he isn't, you know, loser, whatever. He's, he's not great. We know that much, but like, what's what the only thing that matters is that he's in the past as much as he can be regardless, you know, and that's what you're still holding on to. You know that you have not, you still make him more of your problem than he needs to be. And that is something you still need to work through and get a therapist for. Yeah.

No, I do. And I can tell I want to hurt him in a little bit. Like if I file for child support, like, oh, it's going to hurt him. And then I kind of wanted to give his real name, which I didn't. But like, I kind of wanted to just to be like... Yeah, you got to like that. That's your toxic trait. And that's the thing that you need to work on. But at least you can recognize it because that's you really... I recognize it. All you need to... You need to just be grateful of just...

how much, like, I mean, think about it. You have a great boyfriend. He's in so many ways, you are so lucky given the situation you came out of. And you need to spend way more energy focused on that and a lot less energy on all this past shit. Right.

Okay. Well, that's what I'll work on. And I will get, I will, I'll call today. I have time. So I'll call and talk to someone. And I am proud of myself for being able to hold, like when I did, did talk to him, I didn't like, he would say really bad things and mean things, but I just always held my composure. I feel like that's a lot has helped with just this podcast in general, yours and others. Just I've held my composure really well, but I do need to let other things out and let go of some stuff. So I do need to

talk to a therapist. I just think it also, it's, it's hard when everyone is in my ear too, like, oh, file for child support, file for child support, like everybody. But I'm just going to do what's best for my son. Well, listen, you're asking a lot of different people their opinion. And so you're getting a lot of opinions. So like, stop doing that. Yeah, you're right. Thank you. All right. Have a good rest of your day. Yeah, you too. All right. Bye-bye.

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