Shownotes Transcript
Mother's Day gifts at Bath & Body Works. It's kind of like, my favorite scent. Ooh, this was good. This is literally the perfect gift for me. So don't just give mom a gift. Thank you so much. I love it. Thank you. Best Mother's Day ever. Give her a moment. Only at Bath & Body Works. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends. Ho hum, down in the bayou. We got legs that are tired, lights that flicker in the night. Ho hum, my old black legs are skimming through the sand with my weepy eyes and my sour soul. And I'm coming around.
What's up? That was improvised. Oh, yeah. You know the whole home as you track through the woods with your boat. Yeah. Oh, where your porridge is cold, but your anus is numb. Oh, where the doughnuts are old fairy and they're filled with. Oh, oh, oh.
My Mexican friend is dumb, but he's got no Julio Iglesias. I don't know. I couldn't do it. So close. I'm so tired. No, you got it. But anyway, thanks for the donut. Have you had one of these? I have. No, you haven't. Let me see.
No, you haven't. I didn't eat it today. Get a pistachio, dude. Man. I'm going to prove a point here. You know what the fans love when we eat on the show? Just take a bite. I will take one little bite of a stash. Do you guys want some of this? Oh, my God. Is it soft? Yeah. Well, let the flavor sink in. Let the flavor sink in. You know what my biggest problem is? You think Paul Hollywood just goes eat and then says it? He does this. No, sometimes he does this. Let me tell you something.
I don't like that it's got like cream in it. Oh, yeah? You got cream inside you and people eat that. Man, you are tired. Okay? There's cream in everything, dude. In titty milk? Dude, a lady last night, a 68-year-old lady pulled out her titty in my show. That's your crowd?
And I go, I thought the joke I said was, what comes out of their cottage cheese? And it got nothing. And then my second show last in Houston, I hear a thump, like a big thump. And I looked to my right and there's a 600 pound man. I'm not kidding you.
laying on the floor face first on the floor like this going oh this comedy sucks i'm taking a nap so wait a minute there's a big fat dude on the floor right oh you are coming well thanks for showing up yeah so this guy is laying on his back right he's i think he's dead
So there's two choices, right? Piss on them? No. No? Pretend it's not happening. Right, yeah. Just keep going. Right. Because it was off to my right, so I see staff, the managers, trying to revive them. And I'm going, yeah, that's what the Chicano said. You know, whatever, right? And then I just look to the right and I go, what's going on? And they go, we don't know, man. It's packed. Sold out. And it's now, people are just rumbling. Yeah.
Oh, there's rumbling. Yeah. Now people are rumbling. Right. And I'm going off to the side looking to see. You're going to be okay, man. He's 600 pounds, right? It takes him like 20 minutes to get the fuck out of there. Right. Right. Right. And then. They got a forklift in the. Yeah. And then. You hear him breathing outside. You know how hard it is to restart the room.
Oh, yeah. Bro. Dude, I had a guy had like had a stroke in Nashville in the balcony at Zany's. No. I was like, am I going to do this show now? In the middle of your act? Yeah. And you stopped.
Well, there was like a big commotion. And then I was like, what's going on? And then they were like, it's a medical emergency. And I was like, I know my thought was dead. Somebody died. Yeah. You know, cause that happened. That's happened at almost every show I've done. So then this morning I get a direct message from some guy. I want to let you know a guy, dude, that guy died last night. No. Yeah. Carlos. Carlos. What the? That's not funny. Carlos, man. Carlos. That's not funny, dude. That's funny, Carlos. Stop it, dude. Stop it.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Stop that. Ho-hum, dude. Dude, ho-hum die. Ho-hum die, dude. That's insane, dude. Carlos. You're sick. You're evil, Carlos. Right? So I get it. Then I start calling the management. Don't. What? That's not funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it. You want to tell me? I mean, you should have seen my reaction. I read it. I was like.
OMG. What? OMG. What's OMG mean? Oh my God. I was oh my God-ing. And then it took me a while to get up. And then the manager goes, no, he went and got a pizza. Oh, okay. No, there was a pizza place. I guess the medics came. He stood up and went straight to the pizza place. No, I'm not kidding. Could smell the cheese. Yeah. So I'm like, oh, so he just went to the pizza. He go, yeah, yeah. The pizza place that you went to earlier.
Oh, it's good pizza. Right? Thanks for fucking up my show. I hate when, you know, when I was in Phoenix, the sirens went off and the, you know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. You mean the fire alarm? Yeah, fire alarm, I mean. The sirens went off. Well, the stand up. Is there a gay nightclub next door? Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah.
Get ready for the ho-hum, ho-hum, ho-hum. D-D-D-DJ ho-hum. Yeah, that wasn't going on. Look who's here. Yep. Look at how brown she is. Damn, dude. Get out of the sun. You know, she was just in Hawaii for two weeks. It shows. Yeah. Yeah. It shows. It shows. That's not how you... That phrase doesn't go there. Okay. Yeah. It's supposed to be facetious. It shows. So if somebody goes...
Yeah, I went to five years of college. You go, yeah, it shows. That's what that is. She goes to Hawaii for how long? Two weeks. Yeah, you don't go, it shows. You go, oh, that's nice.
So try it again. How long did you go to Hawaii for? Two weeks. That's nice. Dude, just do It Chose. I think It Chose is good. That's not good. That's true. That's nice. So hey, Carlos, bring up that. I saw a Filipino girl online. It reminded me of you. No, I'm serious. Okay. Not her. That's not it. I have it. But I want Bobby. Just on this image real fast. What?
How do you like your coffee, it says? Yeah. Which one of those two tones are your coffee? Because your mind might change when you see the whole cup. Oh, I love this game. Yeah. I love the tone coffee game. So what kind of coffee? Do you like it with a lot of cream or not that much cream? Me? I thought you were asking her. Anybody can answer. Well, I just, I like a lot of cream. You like the far right? A lot of cream. Yeah. Let's see what the full cup looks like. One of the mocha. Yeah. Jules, do you know her?
Thank God I didn't do cream. Oh my God, thank God I didn't do cream. No, on the left? The right. No, on the left, the right. Look at the teeth. Zoom in a little bit. Zoom in. Pinch on that. Can you pinch on it? I got to tell you something. The tattoos, the tattoos aren't distracting enough. Oh.
No. I thought this was fake, right? I thought it was like a fake. No, I've seen her face before. You know her? No, in my TikToks, my algorithm shows her sometimes. Really? Yeah. I love her. Yeah, yeah, I love her. The one on the left is sexy though. Hot, yeah. But the one on the right. The one on the left. Can I ask you a question? They don't have dentists. We should do a test.
Dentists in the Philippines? Don't you think that we make a cat? Google Philippines. There's dentists in the Philippines. I don't think so. What the fuck is that? I don't know. What is that? And if you have two teeth, come on. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck? Dentists in the Philippines, in Cebu. Let's see. Wow. There's three places. Three in the whole fucking...
70,000 islands, three places. By the way, new dental clinic because the old one didn't make it. Yeah. What's the first one? Cebu Dental Care. Give me reviews of Cebu Dental Care. Reviews. 4.9, pretty good. That's good. Let's read it though. Yeah. I had an excellent experience at Cebu Dental. No, no, no, no. Do the accent. Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, do the accent. I...
I had excellent experience at Chabu Dental Care Center. That's Indian, but I like it. Service outstanding. Yeah. Precious reason about. Yeah. By the way, this is written by, these are all Americans. This isn't real. Yeah. I love it. The one stars, two stars. I would not return there. We had only dental checks and cleaning and polishing. Painful and useless and expensive. Dude, 300 years ago, when you had a toothache, what the fuck would you do? Pull it out. Really? They used to pull them out. Even if it's coming on.
Oh, dude, that's when you know to pull it out. Right. So if you got a little pain, you would start pulling it out? Yank it. Why would you keep it? It's only going to get infected. They're not going to do anything with it. Wow. You know, it is crazy to think about people from like over 100 years ago who still who had good teeth. Yeah. Like back in the day, they used to use like some whale extract from like a whale blubber to make cologne or perfume. Oh, right, right. I mean, just different ways of makeup was what?
Back in the day. Flowers. Berries. Berries and flowers. Yeah, berries. No blood, no.
In Transylvania, there's blood. I'm kidding. I don't know. How is my root? See, that's why I set it up. I'm a bit slow today. Why did you say berries? Did you ever use berries as a kid for makeup? No, but... On your lips? No, but there's a tradition where if you get your first period, you have to put your period blood all over your face.
I'm really glad you're back. I don't know if it's just in the Philippines, but that's what... It's definitely just in the Philippines. Just in the Philippines. I've never heard that before. But you do that. Why women are using their period blood for face masks. Oh, that does work then. No. She's saying when you get your first. First period. I don't know. I don't do it every period. Well, there's a...
Here you go. Despite this culture, the use of menstrual blood is something that has been done traditionally superstitiously for years in the Philippines. It said if you wash your face with period blood, you'll be blessed with acne-free skin during puberty. Did that work? No. No. Yeah, yeah. And then like you have to jump like 10 times to like... What? That's a tradition. Wait, wait. Jump like 10 times to what? Just jump 10 times to I think... Shake it loose? Is the cork up there?
You need to cork a wine bottle? Yeah, like that. My grandma did that. But you jump up and down for what reason? I think to have a longer life. I think that's it, yeah. Dude, tell me the song you guys sing when you do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No song. There's no song? Wait, so this is... So she painted her face...
And you do it on your first one and then that's supposed to bless you for life. Yeah. Koreans believe, and this used to work, when you had a Charlie horse, right? What's a Charlie horse? Come here, I'll fuck it, I'll give you one. It's when you have a, it's like a muscle cramp. Or there's like a buzzing. How do they say Charlie horse?
What do you call it? Charlie horse. You're right, Charlie horse. Why would you laugh at that then? I just imagine Korean saying it. Well, how do you say it in Korean? Zoom in. How do you say it in Korean? So if you had a Charlie horse, right? Yeah, yeah. It's easier to say Charlie horse. Charlie horse. But you do this. My grandma would go,
I don't know how to speak Korean, but she goes, "Lick your finger, tap your nose three times." - That would get rid of a charley horse? - It really did. - No way. - Yeah, when you have a charley horse, anyone listening, right? Do that, it gets rid of it completely. - Wow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm excited for my next charley horse. - Yeah. - I never heard, we didn't have any-- - You must have wise tales.
- Wives tales. Wives tales, wives tales, right? - We have wise wives tales. - Yeah. - You mean we have anything like that? Yeah, it's like, I'm trying to think of some white ones. What are the white ones? Well, it's like, you know, if you know. - My dad said, you know, if you watch TV too close, grandpa gonna die. Stuff like that. You know what I mean? Grandpa died already. - Well, yeah, you know, they say if you masturbate too much, you get hairy hands. - Yeah, that's one. That's a wives tale. - Hair would grow on your hands. - That's a wives tale, yeah. Do the Philippines have wives tales?
Like that. Like something like a superstitious thing that's not true. Like if you wipe blood on your face after your first period, you won't get acne. Or like if you watch, if you've seen like a naked body or like porn, then you will have like a big bump on your eye. Oh, a stye. A stye. Yes, you get a stye in your eye from porn. Yeah. You get a cataract. You get a cataract.
Wow. Never heard that before. Okay, look at this one. Some of the Filipino culture, go up. Some of the Filipino superstitions, avoiding sweeping at night. Don't sweep. Right? What is that? What does sweeping at night do?
I think. Let her guess. That's a fun. Sweeping at night. What is that? Sweeping at night. Yeah. I think it's just to something with ghosts or like. Okay. Did she have it right? It's a sweeping at night sweeps away good fortune and attracts bad luck. Okay, good. Don't look at the screen. What about cutting your nails at night? Why can't you do that? Trim your nails. It will not grow back. No, but that makes more sense. Evil spirits.
Don't ever sleep with wet hair in the Philippines. Oh, because you will have white hair. Wow. Wow. That was fast. What does it say? It says you go blind. What?
That's not true. That's not true. Hold on. That's not true. This is amazing. Maybe different islands have different things. I don't know. All right. This says not going home right after a wake. Like after you go to a funeral. Oh, because the spirit will follow you. That's literally what it says. Bingo. Itchy palms. Itchy palms. Itchy palms. You can do a pug pug to get rid of it. Oh, if you do a pug pug. Pug pug. Cleansing ritual. Didn't we do a pug pug on this show?
We love Filipinos, by the way. For the record, they're our favorite people. How about not taking food home from away? So after a funeral, you don't take food home, right? I take food home. Okay, well, yeah. Itchy palms. What about itchy palms? Itchy palms? Yeah, when your hands are itchy inside your hands. You'll die. Sure. This just says it's a sign of good luck to have itchy palms. Two more. Biting your tongue.
If you said like a... Oh, if someone's talking shit about you. Damn. Is that true? Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. What about the tabi tabi po? Oh, that's... I told you about this. Like when you're like going through like a quiet area or like a big tree, you have to say tabi tabi po or else like the mythical creature... Wait, wait. You've never fucking said this before. What are you talking about? I said that before, Drew.
Halloween. I've never heard you say tabby tabby toe before. Give me an example. Give me an example. Give me an example. I told you this before. It's Halloween. We're trick or treating. You know what I mean? I'm dressed up as like a fat minion. Yeah. And you're at what?
Soap Okay we're in the forest We're lost Yeah Where does this Tabi tabi po Okay so like When When you're When there's like a big tree We're walking by a big tree Okay A tree And you're going through Redwood Yeah you're going through it You have to say Tabi tabi po Tabi tabi po Tabi tabi po Tabi tabi po But if we don't What happens
Then, like, something bad will happen to you. They made a movie, guys. Tabby Tabby Poe. Tabby Tabby Poe. Go back to the list. Go back to the list. There's one more. Wait a minute. By the way, also, soap? Your soap? I don't know. Mythical things. Yeah, you think your soap? Yeah. Soap. Okay. Jumping at midnight. Yeah, what about jumping in the middle at midnight? It's just for good luck. Grow taller in the new year. Can you wear red?
In the Philippines, do people wear red? Yeah. It says it's going to increase your chance of being struck by lightning. Wow. Don't look. What is a sukup? Sukup. Sukup. Sukup. S-U-K-O-B. Sukup. Sukup. I don't know. Maybe a little tree. There's a little tree you walk by.
Sukup. Sukup, yeah. Oh, yeah. What about kapdig sagan? You know that. Twin bananas. Kapig nga saging. Kapig nga saging. Twin bananas. Yeah. If a woman consumes a twin banana, she'll have twins? I don't know. That's interesting. What about scattering coins in a new house? When you move into a house, you scatter change everywhere? No, but we bring rice and salt.
Okay, so. Whatever somebody's like, these stereotypes aren't real. You're like, well, they are. Yeah. It's very funny. You bring salt and rice to what? Salt the floor and rice the floor, right? No, you just put the rice like somewhere and then put salt around it.
It's like for good fortune and like the spirits, bad spirits won't come. Could I put carpaccio on there too and just eat it afterwards? No, you can't eat it. The Italians are like, when we buy a new house, we put down mortadella on the floor. We do a little chant called Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Wow, it's so strange. Avoid mirrors opposite the front door. You can't have a mirror directly across from the front door. That's bad luck. Covering mirrors is bad luck in Filipino culture, it says. Placing a chick on a coffin, like a baby chicken on a coffin. What the best of that? I don't know. Oh, cool. Let's cut it out. You know what, Fancy? Spain has a lot of weird supers. I'm sure you guys have just as many weirdo ones. You know Spain's got some stupid ones. What is...
Oh, the grapes at midnight. Remember we did that one time. It's the dumbest shit on earth. That is not superstitious. Yeah, you're supposed to wish you good luck. Then you have good luck. That's not fun. No hats on the bed. In Spain, consider it bad luck to put a hat on your bed. Well, that was in the movie Drugstore Cowboy. Drugstore June? No, Drugstore. You ever see Drugstore Cowboy? No, I've seen Rhyme. Gus Van Sant directed it with Matt Dillon.
And there was a scene where they steal drugs from pharmacies. Uh-huh. It's just like Drugstore June. Yeah. And Matt Dillon, I think Heather Graham sticks a fucking hat on the bed. And then Matt Dillon goes all apeshit because now they're going to have like six weeks of bad luck. Whoa. Yeah. And I went to Buckwild last night.
You went to the strip club Buckwild? Yeah. Why'd you do that, bud? Because the club that I played, they knew the manager. I bet they did. And a Samoan guy showed up, and he drove me like 45 minutes outside of the city, and I went to Buckwild, and I drove 45 minutes back really quickly after that. How long were you there? Five hours. Five hours.
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What have you been doing? You went to Hawaii? Yeah, and I've been surfing. That's why I'm like really town. Yeah, you are really good. Are you getting good? I don't know. This is what Trump was talking about, man. They come here, they surf all day. They don't do anything anymore. They're surfers. Are you scared? You must be scared.
I don't know. Ice is coming. But then they're also saying like even with visas, people are getting deported. Yeah. What island did you go to in Hawaii? Oahu. Oahu. You guys like that. Well, they own a place out there. I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah. It's fun. You surfed all day and then you ate poke. Yeah. All day. That's all you do, right? Poke. I'm going to go in a couple months. I'm going to Hawaii Theater. I'm going to do a show there.
You're doing a stand-up show? Yeah. Wow. Come out. It'll be fun. No, thank you. Why? You know what's so funny? I drive to your fucking shows and do guest spots. Yeah, because they're great. I know, but I don't think you would ever go to a different city for me. Of course I would. That's silly. Yeah, why not Hawaii? Neil Brennan's going to go. Well, there you go. You got a white. No, no. I want several whites. He's the number one white. Neil Brennan? What is that? Oh, that's it. Friday, June 6th. Yep. June 6th. Come.
Uh-oh, who's here? What's that? You know who it is. Crazy.
Oh, there it is. There's Crazy Boy. He's crazy. There comes Nutso. He's nuts. Who is it? You'll know. You'll know when you see, you know, you can't tell from the whistle. That's yeah. Corporate comedy is coming. Corporate comedy is coming to town. Coming to town. AGT. You ever see America's Got Talent? Yeah. You ever seen America's Got Talent? Yeah. Do you like that show? You like that show? It's okay. Yeah, I know. Me too. See that.
You fucking freak, get in here. That's his bait whistle. Whoa. Whoa. You're safe. You're safe. Whoa. Please sit down. Please sit down, Howie. Guys, Howie Mandel. Howie Mandel is here, everybody, ladies and gentlemen. Howie Mandel.
Yay. We love Howie. Howie. You've met him before, right? Yeah. She's the best. Are those Rick Owens? What are you wearing there? What are you talking about? Your shoes. Skechers. These are Snoop Dogg's Skechers. Oh, really nice. I have a Skechers. I'm an ambassador for Skechers. Why are you laughing at that?
Which is a weird thing to say. You know what's great about Snoop Dogg? Yeah. Tell us. I think the best part about Snoop is he's really reserved himself. He doesn't do too much. Right. He's like Kevin Hart in that way. He's like Kevin Hart in that way. He says no a lot. He really does. Like Snoop, can you name any products that Snoop's attached to? Or anything he's doing? Let me think. Not or not. Skechers. Skechers. These are actually called Skechers and they're slip-ins because you don't even need the laces or nothing. You slip in, you slip out.
We're doing ads for Skechers now. I'm doing ads. Howie. Howie Mandel is here. One of our favorite people. Howie Mandel is here, ladies and gentlemen. And Howie's brought his family. That's your son? Your whole family. And I've met you before? No. I don't think so. Who else is there? Is it your daughter? No, I didn't bring my daughter. Who did you bring, Alex? Your wife. Alex, who did you bring? Your girlfriend? Are you seeing her? You guys are just friends? How old are you?
Oh, dude. He's 35. Alex, are you married? No, I'm not. No. Is she married? I live vicariously through my son on Instagram. Oh, you do? Yeah. He's got a model rescue service. I've talked about this before. I mean, what do you have to do? He's really nice. What he does is he takes in like wounded models and nurses them back to health. Yeah. And once he feels that they're able to talk about commitment, he kind of just...
Yeah, yeah. Sends them back. Andrew, Andrew, Howie Mendel Mastery must be such an ordeal. He's just, okay, I got it. And I got the plastics. Okay, put the wall up. I mean, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, I use a glory hole on myself. Wow. I have to reach around the wall. Wow. I don't want to get any. Do you still, old man, do you still master? Yeah.
This is like a bad episode of... Of bad friends. Yeah, yeah. Old man, do you still masturbate? Old man. Howie, do you still or no? I'm doing... That's why I got my legs crossed right now. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do. Wow. That's incredible. I do. Son, I still masturbate. Are you glad you showed up with me? Yeah. Pardon me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wants to know more. I mean, do you watch things, Howie, or do you... Yeah, I watch videos of people washing their hands. What?
Very good. Very good. That was really good. Did it bother you that I brought a whistle? Yeah. No. I like the whistle. I like the whistle. I love the whistle. The whistle's my new thing. I'm going to make that my thing. You're the guy, because there's so many people out there. Look at her face, how concerned Jules is. What are you concerned about? Well, because women usually have practical uses for whistles. Yeah. Yeah, I just don't understand. It's hard for a man to- It's a whistle. Well, what do you do? What's the point? You blow it. You blow it.
Yeah, yeah. Now do you understand? No. What do you mean? Why do you look like you're in pain? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You're really enjoying me. That's her. No, she's always like that. That's her disposition. I live with her. I know you live with her. I met her at your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is that you have a very pained look on your face like there's a problem. That's my normal face. Well, it isn't normal. I'm telling you it's not normal. Julia, is there like a Filipinos got talent?
No, but we have a lot of Filipinos on the show who have talent. I know. The guy that can sing with two voices. That guy's the best. Wait, what's his first name? Marcelo. Marcelo. Do you know who he is? Oh, yeah. Hernandez from SNL? No, he does. No, no. Dude, he is the most talented singer you've ever heard in your life. He does deep voices, and then he has an angelic voice on top of it. But there's two voices. He does a duet with himself. He will fuck you up, this guy.
Yeah. The greatest singer. Kills Freddie Mercury, kills anybody. Wow. What do you mean wow? I'm telling you right now, right now, the Philippines rule. That's a bold claim. Play some. All right, there we go. Just do the first one. See how Zanz are on the table? This is how he jerks off. Oh, wow. He sings to himself like a pretty girl. It's the same guy.
That's the same guy. These are your people. Why are you laughing? It's good. That's the... What? Oh, you're not impressed? I think Andrew can do it. You could do it? Try it, Andy. From where you're from, they have leprechauns jumping up and down like a fucking rainbow, and you think that's not good? It's not good. Are you kidding me? Can you do better? Yeah. Do it then. I'm going to sing to that. There's no way. Give me the lyrics, dude. Here we go. We're all going to sing it. Give me the lyrics. Are you doing the female part? Give me the lyrics, dude. Ah.
I got it. I'm tone. Oh, here we go. There it is. Here we go. Zooming real good. All right. What the fuck? Right? Yeah. Go ahead.
Just a little sugar. No, no. Gotta do the girl. Small, too small. That is the girl. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? You're not even in tune. Oh. You're not even in tune, dude. You're perceptive. You're playing the Russian boxer. Yeah. I didn't realize. Women can't sound that way? Oh, I know. Oh, dude, yeah, you're right. They can. You're right. Way to go, guys. See what you did. Way to put yourself in the corner. The worst singer here is you. Can you sing? Sing one of them. Sing one line. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, here we go. Here we go.
Just a little change. Not bad. Horrible. It's not bad. It's not bad. I'm a professional talent judge. That sucks. But can you sing? Thank you, Rudy. What gives you the right, Howie? Whenever I'm watching that show, what gives you the right to go, oh, that's a good singing?
I don't say that. You're a comedian. I say I like it. Maybe it's not everybody's taste. I like it. You just heard her. I don't like it. I don't like it. I see how that works. I'm telling you I don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other judges, two people in the room, you guys like it. Yeah. You're, and I'm being honest with you, and this is not television and it's not network, you sing like shit. Ah.
- Oh my God. - Oh my God. - That's gonna break her heart. - That's my daughter to me, dude. - Don't cry, Jules. Don't cry. - No, I know. - You do, you sing like shit. I'm being honest with you and I don't want you, because I care about you, I don't want you to think you're good and then go out into the world and be disappointed. And I feel like I'm doing a service. - How many years you been on that show? - 16. - It's time to get off.
I wanted to say that, but thank you for saying that. It's time to wrap it up. It's a long. Alex, what do you think? How do you feel? Does he need to wrap it up? Do you want dad to get off the show and get back home to taking care of you? Taking care of him? Well, he's 35. He's obviously stunted. He brought in a beautiful woman that he's buddies with. Yeah, but he's moving out in the next couple of weeks. We are so excited. You still live at home? No. Where do you live? Here. You live in L.A.?
Santa Monica. Beautiful. I want to live on the west side. Ask me where I live. I know where you live. Santa Monica. But you're a great father. You've been a great father. I have been a great father. And I know a little bit about you. We've been friends for a while. Yeah, we've been friends for a long time. You're a great guy. I'm a wonderful person. You are a great guy. You're such a nice guy. You're a great guy. No, can we just keep this going? Yeah. I'm a wonderful- You really are. And how fucking lucky are you guys and you to have me on this episode? Huge. This is- Huge. Wait, wait, wait. Huge. Huge.
What are you doing? I mean, the numbers will go down, but it's not... Huge. Not about the numbers. Really huge. Not about the numbers. It's about the soul. Well, it's like, you know, guy, check this out. There's some arthouse movies that no one watches, but... You know what I mean? This is an arthouse episode. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, the new movie Companion, no one saw it, but people love it. People love it. Like, the critics...
So that's good. We're going to lose money on the YouTube. It's not about making money. It's about doing quality stuff. And this is quality. This is what it feels like. You've done a bunch of these episodes of this one. How do you feel about this one versus some of the other episodes that you've been a part of? Be completely honest. Well, when they said that someone from AGT was coming, I thought it was Simon Cowell. Oh.
- What are you saying? - I just thought that. - And then what you're trying to say is you were ready for Simon Cowell and then when I showed up, you went, "Fuck, this is like a surprise." They low-balled me. - "Way to go, Simon, Heidi."
Who's on the show? Heidi's not on it anymore. Yeah, but still Heidi, still. Before you. Mel B. Mel B. And then Sofia Vergara. Yeah. And then are you four? I mean, where are you in the ranking? Look at all the people that have come and gone in your tenure. And you're still there. You're still there. You know who I replaced? You're the Kenan Thompson of APB. Let me guess. I know Howard Stern. No. Okay. I was there with Howard Stern. I replaced David Hasselhoff.
The Hoff. After the cheeseburger incident, huh? That's why the nickname for our show is Jew Watch.
Regis, Sam Donnelly. Now, I don't know who that is. Those aren't judges. That's our executive producer. Regis was the first host. He was? He was the first host. Then he was followed by Jerry Springer, became the host. Who's Jason Raff? He was executive producer. And then Nick Cannon became the host. I think the big black guy. Harry Cruz. Yeah, I like him. He's my favorite. He likes to be called what you just called him.
Is he not a big black guy? He is. Okay, good. But he likes his name. And if I was on that little fat, I don't know him guy. From White Chicks? No, I've never met him. He was in White Chicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who's on still now? You. Me. Simon. Simon. Cardi B. Simon.
Mel B Mel and Cardi Cardi would be a good get so you Simon Mel B and Sofia Sofia and and no that's it Terry Cruz is the host Terry's always been the host right Nick was the host and then it was Tyra Banks yes can you look at Simon just be real and just look in the lock eyes with him and go enough of that what is that
What does that mean? Enough of that, you know. It's amazing what you're able to do. You're like a Korean gym. Wow. If people just tuned in now and didn't know they were watching this, if they're watching on YouTube, that's uncanny how, because I sit with them daily. There we go. Look at it. Do that and then look at that. Put it side by side. I know. I got it. Yeah, yeah. We know how old you are, dude. I'm old. Yeah, but you look good. For real.
And you've had no face work. I have no face work. Exactly. Because we like natural beings. I am. Right? Believe it or not, no face work. I had testicular liposuction. You know? I had testicular liposuction. Yeah. You really got them sucked? I try. I try. I want to. I'm old. I'm going to be 70 this year.
That's incredible. That's incredible. What's up for the 70th birthday? Can I ask you also those pants? Are those USPS pants?
I swear to God, the woman that delivers my mail wears the exact same fucking pants. I'm not even kidding. I'm wearing ladies' mail pants? Ladies' mail pants. M-A-I-L. I love what you did. There she is. There's my girl. That's from the neighborhood. Oh, my God. I am wearing mail. Alex, I want to say about your dad, though. One of the greatest guys to ever live. But he's also fashionable. Yeah, he is very fashionable. Am I fashionable? Yeah. Always. Why do you dress all Midwest-like?
Why do I want? I mean, just a standard like, you know, solid color, solid color. He's very like, you know, elect. Look at my son and I know he's off camera, but if you look at him, he's dressed exactly like my wife.
I see. Keep it in the family. Yeah, that's what he does. Howie. Yes. So if, I've never seen you buzz somebody like it's not good. There's an X buzz. No, I do it a lot. Really? Yeah, probably more than anybody. Like if I went up there. You don't watch the show. Like if I went up there. You really watch the show. Like if I went up there and like no music and I was just like. Buzz?
You know who you just did? Buzz. No, I won't buzz because there's a... Find this. Urien Retriever. Very good. Urien Retriever. It's why you are... That was embarrassing. Urien Retriever. Dancing. Okay. Maybe she does it. This is what you just reminded me of. Did she make it? No, but it's so fucking funny. This is what you just looked like when she was dancing. Go to the dancing. Go to the dancing. Tell me this is not Bobby Lee dancing.
That's what I'm saying. That's exactly what you just did. That's what I just did. That was Bobby Lee. Dude, that's... Yeah. Oh, Simon. Oh, really? I'd bust your face, Simon. I know good dancing. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. Isn't that you? It's incredible. So why don't you come on and do it? You can make a...
And at that season, Julianne Hough was there, who is a dance expert, and put her through. Oh, this is the big black guy I like. I think this is why America's in debt. This is why we're in the hole, man. Why? Because of Urien.
What is Urien? I didn't understand. Her name is... Urien Retriever. Okay. Her name is Urien Retriever? I thought that was an animal. I swear to God, I thought it was Urien. Golden Retriever is an animal. Urien. Urien is her name. Oh, she looks very different there. There she is. But you're looking at shots of her not dancing. When she dances. I like the dance. I think she's cute.
Take it away. You should have her on the show. Yeah. She lives here. Really? Yeah. Single, you think? Yes. I know she is. Great. You keep up with everyone who's ever contested on the show, I've heard. I keep up with everybody. You know that he's got the cell phone number of everyone that's ever tried to DM me. I don't have a cell phone, but I DM everybody. Yeah. I do. Do you want to meet Urien? No, but you know the one that you gave, I think, a golden ticket to? What's it? Grace Thunderbolt?
Grace, Grace Thunderbolt. Yeah. What's her name? Grace Thunderbolt, the singer. I think you're thinking of Grace Vanderwall. Yeah. That one. Yeah. Grace. Yeah. Yeah. Grace Thunderbolt. She's so good. You want to talk to Urien? Howie, what are you going to do for your 70th birthday? I was kidding, Howie. Don't call her. I'm going to call her. Oh, Howie. You're single.
- What? Here she is. - How are we, don't call her, dude. - I'm gonna call her. - Oh my God. - Well, let him call her. You never know what you'll get out of that. - I'll tell her to go on. - She's on FaceTime? - Maybe. - Okay. - I'll see if it won't go on. - I'm gonna do an accent though, for sure.
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This episode is brought to you by Max. Presenting HBO original comedy special, Brett Goldstein, the second best night of your life. Emmy-winning actor, writer, and comedian, Brett Goldstein brings his irresistible charm and quick wit stateside for his first ever HBO stand-up special. Goldstein sheds his testy Roy Kent facade to share his hilarious insights on love, sex, masculinity, and more. Brett Goldstein, the second best night of your life. Now streaming exclusively on Max.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, here we go. No, do not do that. I'll do that. I'm a golden retriever. No, stop that. You stop that. Watch. I'm just practicing. Let me leave a message. No? It's Howie.
There's no way her real name is Retriever. Pretty stuck on that. Really? Yeah. A million followers, though. Yeah. Killing it. She's a dancer. I know. People love dance. Well, yes, she did. Well, not enough you didn't put her through. I didn't because other people didn't get it. I get it. Because of fucking Simon. Oh, Simon. He doesn't understand dance like I do. Who do you really love working with truly, truly, truly?
Who really good do you work with? You go, you know, I really enjoy that person a lot.
I enjoy Sofia Vergara. She's great, huh? You should have her on. Well, it's not only that. She's funny. And funny. I've never noticed her looks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Really? That's not how I view people. He goes right to that beautiful thing. I think smart, sweet. That pudgy Asian girl, I said she was good. Okay, dude. Why are you making fun of somebody that looks exactly like you? Yeah, that's why I can do it, right? No. If it is you, you can do it. That's right. If they look like you and it's not you, you can't do it.
What are you saying? I can't say kiwi fruit. Kiwi fruit. Yeah. I like clover. I've asked, but I am really interested. What is 70th birthday going to be? That's a big deal. I'm going to throw it myself. It's going to be a surprise. Are we invited to your party? I'm not telling anybody. No, I'm going to plan it, but I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm going to park way down the street.
And then I'm going to hide behind my door and wait for nothing. I don't want to celebrate. All kidding aside, I'm not celebrating. Do a party. You're not going to celebrate your 70th birthday? I don't want to. I don't like birthdays anymore. Why not?
I'm fucking 70. Yeah, but 70 is a big deal. Here's the thing. She's never going to get there. Do it for her. How old are you? 23. These people go fast. They go fast. I was more than a decade older than you when you were born. Yeah.
You know, the thing about me, look at me. You look young. Yeah, you do. I'm going to die soon. No, you're not. I am. You're going to be like that one guy. Who's the one guy that didn't die soon? He's 99. What's his name? Dick Van Dyke. Dick Van Dyke!
But even that. You're going to be like that. 29 years. 29 years, which is even older than. So I've only got another 29. You got a long time. You got a long time, dude. How many more appearances on this podcast do you think I've got left in me in the rest of my life? Yeah. Who said? Honestly, ask AI how much longer Howie has to live. Yeah, ask how much longer will Howie Mandel live?
And then three years from now, you're going to be still doing that show on the Androids. Are you going to wait to air this like to the day before this says? And then that way, this will go through the roof. We usually hold this stuff out. If you die, this is going to be a banger. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great for you? It is impossible. Think about how great...
Look at that. Zoom in. It is impossible to predict how long any individual will live, including public figures like Howie Mandel. Life expectancy depends on many factors, including genetics, lifestyle choice, medical conditions, and even chance. However, Howie Mandel, like anyone else, will live as long as his health and circumstances allow. No one can know for sure how long. Probably the next four years. Fuck. That's pretty astute. Yeah.
But you're going to go for a long time. You're a healthy guy. Well, you exercise. I do. And you exercise your brain daily. That's just as important. That's what they say. If the noodle is activated. Is that what they say? They say a healthy brain is a healthier life for sure. Do you ever see Life in the Blue Zones? Do you ever watch that? No. What is that? The Blue Zones, I know what it is. It's the areas in the world where people live the longest. And they say that. And they have a series? Yeah, they did a Netflix. Is Okinawa a blue zone?
It was. What happened? Godzilla. Godzilla. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's a green zone. I kind of focused on life in the Jew zone. Life in the Jew zones. Yeah. Yeah. They don't live long, but they complain about everything. Yeah.
But Howie, I want to say something. Don't. I do. No, I really don't. I really do. I really do. I think so. May I? Go ahead. Say what you want to say. You know, I act a certain way when I'm around you, but really I'm like- You act a certain way? Yeah. I try to be confident around you. Like, I'm the guy or whatever. But it's like at the end of the day, I've always been a fan of yours. Like when I, you and Arsenio, you know, doing that tour together. Yeah. Yeah. And I just love both of you guys. So it's like- You've got the shit all over your- What is it? Just a lot of shit. Yeah.
You didn't brush your teeth for this fucking thing? I just want to say that I'm just a- You didn't even brush your teeth? How big a fan could you be if you got- You're just like, you don't even- You wouldn't even take care of yourself? Howie, my dad comes, you didn't even floss? So, Howie, what time do you go to bed at night? Are you sending me to bed now? No, I'm not. I do want to know. Yeah, what time do you- At night, I feel like you don't get good sleep. I don't. Exactly. I don't. Yeah. Because I don't. You think too much. I can't sleep. You think too much.
I don't know what's going on. I know what it is. You've told me. I'm a mess. You're a mess. I'm a mental health mess. Can I tell you what it is? Yeah. Fuck. What it is is this.
It's you keep going. You can't sit down because when you sit down, you started thinking and then you get all fucked up. I get fucked up. You keep going and you have to constantly work, work, work, work, work. I need a fucking therapist. I know. And you didn't make me happy thinking I'm going to live for a long time. This is too. It's too tiring. Yeah. But you need help. I do. Do you think or no? Alex, you think I get help as I sit here? I'm incredibly medicated. Okay. Okay.
Yes. What are you on? I'm a gun. I don't tell my mom, but I am on medication. I'm a Ritalin person. You're on medication. Yeah. Oh, right, right. Well, that's healthy. That's good. If you're, if you feel good, do you feel at bay? You feel balanced or you feel held back? I feel numb. Oh, good. No. Is that good? No, you got to feel stuff. Hey, Howie, would you shut up?
Howie, back in the day, at the Comedy Store days, because you know, him and I still go to the store a lot. Yeah, I go sometimes. You see me there. I know, but are there guys that you didn't like that are still around? Oh, yeah. We like this kind of talk. Who used to be, back in the day, who did you have a little bit of a qualm with? Let me throw some names out. Okay. Dice.
How was Dice? He was nice to me. He actually, and he came on my podcast and talked about how he took some of my material. He stole from you. He, he, he, he, roses are red, violets are blue, um,
you are schizophrenic I am schizophrenic and so am I was mine wow and then and then he did it but he says that I love him now have you been watching him lately who else stole that have you been watching him yeah he's great yeah no but on the on on his Instagram where he goes up to people and he says take a picture with me yeah and they don't know who the fuck that's he's hysterical he's hysterical and now he's got John Lovitz with him where he he do you know what the line you just said you know who else stole that you know where that's from
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. You wrote that? I wrote that. Do you know what movie that's in? No. That's in... That's in...
You don't know either. That's the beauty of it. No, I do know. This is crazy. My brain just went blank. You know, a lot of shit of mine got stolen when I was a kid. No, no. It's Richard Dreyfuss and fucking Bill Murray. It's what about Bob? It's in what about Bob? The scene where he is in the mental hospital. He says, there it is. Rosalind Valdez. I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. Right there. I called it. I wrote that in 19. But you know, I remember that fucking clip. Can you sue? No. You know, I tried to make suits. Originally, one of my. Look, they made a fucking meme. Oh, my God.
I remember that so vividly. They stole that from you. He heard me do it, and then he did it. Now, to put it in a movie. He came on. Well, this I didn't know. Why did you do that to Bill Burr? I feel so bad. I feel bad. He told me to go fuck myself, and people want to beat me up for it. Why would you go to the king and trap him?
You want me to be honest? What are you trying to do, dude? I tried to do something nice. I thought I was doing something nice. Don't you think it's nice to bring family together? Yeah, but if you're not honest before. It's kind of like the whistle. It's called a surprise. It's a surprise. That was a whistle. Yeah, that was a whistle. So what was that all about, guy? I don't know.
Billy Corgan came on my show and told the story that he'd never told before. It wasn't even a bit that I planned. The plan was, Billy Corgan was going to do my podcast.
And I said, you know, this will be funny. I'm going to just say that Bill Burr is doing the podcast and will never cop to the fact that you're Billy Corgan. And I will talk. You'll answer questions as Bill Burr. He goes, no, I don't want to do that. But do you know my Bill Burr story? And I said, no, I don't know your Bill Burr story. I said, I never told it before. Can I tell it on your show? I go ahead. Tell me your Bill Burr story. So he told me that his mother or stepmother told him.
that there's a famous comedian who has a really good chance of being your brother. You heard the story. I'm not going to repeat it. But maybe the audience hasn't.
Do you want me to tell it again? It's Billy Corrigan's story. Billy Corrigan said that his father was a flanderer, a musician who had fun. He did meet and greets. Right. And he, like me, didn't shake hands. He just put his penis in me. But it doesn't make any sense because Bill Burr and Billy Corrigan both knew their dads, right?
I don't know. Individually, do they know their dads? They know who they think their dad is, yes. Oh, they never physically saw their dad then? No, they physically, just because a guy lives in your house with your mother doesn't make him your dad. Very nice. Very good. I never thought, yeah. Let's see somebody steal that. But is Bill mad? Is Bill still mad? Not Corrigan Burr. Yeah, Burr's mad. Burr's never mad. I know. He's not mad? I've never seen Burr mad.
I don't think I've ever seen Burr upset. He internalizes it. I think he's mad. He talked about me on the Rich Eisen show. Are you guys fucking here right now? Is this a comedy show? That was irony. Oh, yeah. Oh, my bad. Dude, I'm off today. I'm off. What the fuck are you doing? Is he ironic or what? Ironic!
Oh, very good. He cut out the part where you told us that we didn't react properly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so good. You edit that out and then you just get the. No, no. Yeah. The audience at home will get it. Yeah. We have to let them get it, you know? Yeah. So then Bill Burr was on my show just to promote his upcoming. Hulu special. Hulu special and the fact that he was going to be on Broadway. Yeah. And all that. Gay. All right, go ahead. I.
I have to say, whenever I hear the word, I'm sorry. That's instinct. I apologize. Hulu? Gay. Gay. So anyway, what I was, so I said, I called up Billy, who does work in my space, because he said he was going to. Anyway, I called and I said- Billy Corgan works in your space? Yeah. What is he doing there? A podcast. A podcast?
He's got a fucking podcast? Uh-huh. It's called The Magnificent Others. Is that what it's called? Is it going well? I don't know. I don't look at numbers. I'm not here for numbers. You know, since his band was Smashing Pumpkins, the podcast should be called Picking Up the Pieces.
I feel like that would have been more in line with the... My favorite album of all time, Gish. The Gish. Do you remember Gish? Oh, yeah. The very first one. Smashing Pumpkins. Smashing Pumpkins is phenomenal. Phenomenal. What city is he from? One, two, three. Chicago. The best. Can you ask him if I want to do it? Okay. I'm sure he'd love to have you. I would love to do it. I'm sure he'd love to. You want me to phone him now? I'd be so nervous to meet him. Yeah, he doesn't want to meet you. I'm a huge fan. Yeah. You know, it's like...
I phoned you. I can't believe. Anyway, the point is he was in my building. How did they never cast Billy Corgan in fucking FX is what we do in the shadow.
I know. It's like, dude. It's incredible. No hair, no makeup. Yeah. No, but look, honestly, I'm not kidding when I say this. You got to let us throw you a 70th birthday party. Let us do it. Let us do it. I'll do it. No, I'm dead serious. I think it's important. It would be great to celebrate with bad friends. Can we do it? Bob, can we really? I would love to do it. All right. I don't want to start a fight with you, but I have to say it. We get it. You know John Mayer. Let's move on. Oh, man. Wow. Wow.
We went to the show this week. Yeah, we get it. But anyway. I know you went to Vegas. I'm not allowed to wear the shirt of the fucking man. Hey, look who I'm friends with. You know what's funny about that? Fucking disgusting. I know that. Come on, now back me up. I asked you to be on the podcast this week, and you could have said, no, I got things to do. But you were very specific about telling me I'm going to Vegas to see the dead. I said I'm going. Yeah, that's what he does. I had to go.
I did. I'm going to Vegas. You go backstage? No. You didn't? No. You didn't see John one time? Nope. You stopped three times. I'm a liar, dude. He lies. You stopped three times. Yeah, yeah, three times. Had lunch? Meals? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Nothing. Did you get in for free? Did you get in for free? Oh, yeah. No, I pay. Are you out of your fucking mind, Howie? I pay. This guy is the Celtics in front row.
With Shaquille and Humphreys and all those guys. Shaquille Humphreys. Have you seen Shaquille Humphreys play ball? Amazing. The guy's got handles. Dude, his big hands. I know you're a good seed if you're sitting in Tracy Morgan's puke. Yeah. So my point is that he went, had a jolly time. Had a great time. Yeah. He's jealous. Who's the most famous person you know?
I think everybody. I mean, it's such a dumb fucking question. That's a loser fucking dumb question. Take your headphones off and walk outside. Go smoke. Where are you going? He's going to go shorten his life. How come the guy doesn't come? Oh, there he is around the corner again. Come on, sit down, sit down. I don't want you to pass out. Fucking bullshit.
I don't like your shoes. Can I get you Skechers? I'm supposed to spread Skechers. I would love to know that deal. How much money is Skechers? You know how I got the deal? You know how I got the deal? AGT? No. You know how I got the deal, really? I think I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell you. I don't want to hear it. Okay.
Let him tell the story. I'm sorry, Howie. I went to Skechers because I like, I'm not plugging. This is the absolute truth. I like the slip-ins because I don't like to touch laces. I don't want to touch the fucking shoes. So when I'm not doing a show, I go there and I bought the slip-ins.
I walk up to the counter. This is in Marina Del Rey. You could check all these. These are facts. I walk up to the counter. The girl at the cash register says, are you Howie Mandel? I said, yes. She goes, oh, you're obviously an ambassador. You get 30% off. I went, obviously. And I- Wow.
My wife was standing behind me. She kicked me. She goes, you don't fucking bullshit for 30 bucks. Whenever I was getting off. And, but then she goes, uh, so she gives me, I pay for the shoe. She gives me 30% off. And then she says, I can't find your name in the computer.
Oh my God. That's what I said. I went, oh my God, I don't know what the fuck is wrong. But they give it to you anyway, right? What? She goes, I'll give it to you anyway. There we go. Here's what you got to do. You got to take the shoes, hold them up. I'm going to take a picture of you and send it to the head office. Whoa. My wife is kicking me. You fucking idiot. Don't do that. You're so embarrassing. Yeah. And then they take a picture of me. They send it.
So wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 30% off? It's a riveting story. And I'm finished. Okay. There's an ending to this riveting story? So let it fucking end it! Sorry. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Okay, so take the photo. You can edit it out. With this, and then what happens? Two weeks later, I get a call from my agent that said, Skechers called, and they said,
And I go, for $30 fucking dollars, they're calling. They found me. They tracked me down. And they said they want me to be an ambassador. And they made me do a commercial telling this story that I told. Wow. See? It's not a great story. It is.
I love it. I love it. It feels so good. What? I love you so much. He interrupted you with the fucking photo and then it fucked up the fucking rhythm of the story. And look at the rhythm. Look at his shirt. Look at his shirt, dude. The jealousy is so gross on you. Who did you go with? Oh, let me guess. Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds. Who knows, Howie? That's where he's in line with. Who did you go with? I went with Armie Hammer.
You know, I just had him on the podcast. Did you? Yeah. Shit. I know. I was going to make a fucking joke and you didn't even let me get it. I'm so sorry. I'm off today. I'm so tired. This is a comedy show. I'm so tired. I was going to say 30% off. Did they owe you money? I mean, fuck, dude. Now it doesn't work.
Thanks, man. Yeah, my rhythm's off. I was trying to sing as a sketcher zing. This is not live, guys. You could re-edit this in post. No, he fucks it up all the time. No, post. My rhythm's off. Was that irony again? Just for my clarity. Thank you. You got it. So last week, I had Armie Hammer on and my daughter, who I do, I have a, my daughter. I like your daughter. She's sweet. I think she's hot. She wouldn't do the show. What the fuck are you doing? She wouldn't do the show. She's old.
You can't say she's hot. Well, you can't say she's old. She's 40. Yeah, she's hot for 40. And Alex is handsome. Why can't I say that? No, no. You know what, dude? I think what you're doing doesn't sit right. Let me say that again. With you? She's hot. Why are you offended? Say your daughter again. I'll start it over. My daughter, who I do my part. She's ugly. Jacqueline. Love it.
She's so ugly. Wait. There it is. She's angry when she talks. That doesn't sit right with me. See? Look at that piece of shit. No. What do you want then, guy? Say nothing. All right. Say it again. My daughter, who I do my podcast with.
Yeah, yeah. Better? Go on. I don't have it. The timing was ruined. No, no, but your daughter? She wouldn't sit in the room. With Armie? Yeah. Right. Oh, she's one of those. Well, she doesn't want to be bitten. What? Yeah, bitten. He's Spanish. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If he wasn't, it would have been like a speech impediment. Is that true? That he likes to eat people? Ask Howie. He had him on the show. He said no.
Yeah, I don't think he's... I don't know. He said no. He doesn't need... Your Honor, he said no. He didn't get charged. That is true. He did. He's never eaten anybody. Never eaten a person. I think it'd take a lot to eat somebody. I also think he has podcasting chops. I've seen clips. I like it. Don't say chops because... He has pork chops. Bad choice of words. Yeah, wow. Did you give him like...
Why don't we go ahead? Give him like a fork and a fucking knife. Like, thanks for coming on the show. Sit down. Don't get this away from the guy. Well, he was a nice guy. I would imagine that if people, you know, some people don't watch a whole podcast. So if you tune into that episode halfway through and you don't see my daughter, you're going to assume he ate her. Right. Right. That's what we'll show clips without her there with no explanation. And people will go. I want him to hear the show and be like, why would he talk about me like that?
So fucking bummed. That's your army hammer? I've never heard the guy. I don't even know how he sounds. Oh, let me try. How does he sound? My name is Harman Kardon. Yeah, see, we did the same kind of thing. That's exactly it. I was on the movie with Johnny Depp where he plays the Indian. Perfect.
That's a flawless impression. Lone Ranger, right? That's a Lone Ranger. Chancho. What's his name? Chancho? Chancho. Chancho. I'm off. I'm really off. Chancho? Yeah, I have a sleep impediment. It's Chancho and the Lone Ranger. Chancho is when the Lone Ranger had a Chinese sidekick. Chancho. Fuck you, man, making fun of the Chinese. I don't know what I'm doing. You said Chancho. Oh, you're right. I love you so much. I put the CH for the Chinese. Look at him. Look at him. Chancho is Native American. That's the cologne commercial he does?
Is that what that is? That's the Lone Ranger. Oh, that is. What are you talking about? He doesn't do a cologne commercial. He dresses the exact same. Johnny Depp. Sauvage. Johnny Depp. Look at Sauvage. Dresses like that? No, he doesn't. Look at Sauvage. Look, it looks the exact same. I've never seen this. What's the difference? Show me the difference between the two photos. Sauvage. Sauvage. You've never seen that? And then Tonto. That's his sketcher. Well, you're right. Exactly the same. You know what Johnny Depp looks like? Go back to the Tonto one.
Argus Hamilton in the 70s. Can you imagine that guy walking into his bedroom? It was a cocaine joke, Howie. It was a cocaine... Oh, I'm laughing. Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing. Can you imagine him walking into his room looking like that and saying to his ex, You're a man of poo-poo. Ha ha ha!
You know what that is, right? No. His ex-wife. Look at that photo. What's that Argus Hamilton joke? He goes, I didn't like cocaine. I just liked the way it smelled. That was Argus. Yeah. Yeah. His ex-wife, Johnny Depp's ex-wife made a poo-poo in the bed. Have you ever done that to a boyfriend's bed? No, but I sometimes poo myself in the car. Do you remember what I... You see my poo? You poo yourself in the car? Yeah. Howie. Uber, not pooper. He see my poo.
He's seen your poo. Yeah, yeah. Who hasn't?
With that accent, it sounds like senior pool. I imagine that was a sitcom. It's always like a bad line reading. We'd have to get that over with. Do another one. I mean, you're... Yeah, yeah. What do you mean, who has it? You're like fucking... Let's do that again. Let's do that again. So, you know... From the room. Yeah. That's right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was that kind of line reading. How did you see the pool? I will not. That's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. What?
Tommy Wissow. Yeah, Wissow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's seen my poo. I've seen it. He's seen my poo. Who hasn't? It's a good reading. Who hasn't? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who hasn't seen your poo? Yeah. Why did you see his poo? He relapsed in Cancun and he got shit all over the walls.
Well, talk about missing. Anyway. That's true. That's literally true. Let's move on. Is that you and Bobby in Cancun? That picture right there? No, that's those two guys now. Yeah. Is that your poop on the wall? And on your face? By the way, did this movie bomb? Yes, it did. What a bummer. He was the man from Uncle also.
Oh yeah Also the Winklevoss twins The Winklevoss twins Call me by your name Timothy Chalamet He made that movie too Social Network? Yeah Such a good movie I love Timothy Chalamet What's the kid's name? What's Spider-Man? Andrew Garfield I love Andrew Garfield That kid's phenomenal too What the fuck does that have to do with anything we're talking about? He was in Social Network Oh okay I named the whole cast Eduardo How do you poo in the car? Why do you poo in the car? I just had diarrhea And I couldn't hold it
- You never shit your pants, Howie? - Yes. - There's no way. - But she's saying it like it's always in the car. Yeah, I'm 70 years old, I've done it many, many times. I can do it on command. - Do you have a leaky butt now? 'Cause you're old? - Good question. - Very good question. - Are you serious? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Nope. - Okay. - It's still tight. - Yeah, I got a tight ass. - Hey, Jules.
It's a gaping hole. It's like being on 60 Minutes. What are you doing? What are you eating? What are you doing there? Donut. What is he doing to it? I have diabetes. If I don't eat this, my blood sugar gets really low. But what are you doing to it before you eat it? He chops it up. He chops it up. You chop up a donut? Yeah, yeah. Try the other one. Who eats a donut with a fork? I've never seen that. People who are friends with John Mayer. But I've never seen somebody eat it with a fork. I've got to be honest with you. Yeah? It's the only way to eat it.
These people use their hands. I mean, you of all people, you should know. Why touch it? So Andrew, can you teach me how to do this? Yeah. So I did a movie with Billy Armstrong from Green Day. And we're talking, you know, we're getting our makeup together, right? And I'm trying to like get his number, right? But I don't want to directly, you know what I mean? So I start like angling, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, you know, so Jawbreaker started when you started. You know, I'm trying to get into like, you know what I mean? But I can never get it to a place where I can get his number, right?
I can tell you the hands don't help. I mean, I wouldn't give you my fucking phone. Really? I go, Billy, check it out, dude. I love your shit, dude. That's not good? Billy, Billy, Billy. No? No. Oh, fuck.
Well, if you're going to use your hands, you should have held up fingers. Like, hint. If you held up fingers. Like, if you just, when you're talking to him, you just go, you just keep talking. Hey, Billy, I love the stuff you do. Really? And he'll go, what's with those numbers? And you go, what? Those numbers aren't yours? And he goes, no, my number is. And then you get it.
No. Really? Let me try that. That's how I would do it. All right. Hey, Billy, man. I love your music. Good? Thank you. No, here. Check it out. If I'm saying something wrong, stick your finger up. You got it. Right? Hey. Hey.
Really? No. Yeah, yeah. Okay, go ahead. Billy, Billy, what's up, man? No? Yeah, what's up? You never say that. I know. I'm not being myself. Are you sitting beside him in the makeup chair? What's up, player? No, no. What's the movie? What were you doing? Shit, dog. What's up, bro? Oakland. No. Yeah, yeah. From San Diego. But he's from Oakland. But you're not. I know.
But I know that he is. So I go, what's up, Oakland? No. Huge. All right. You're not Marshawn Lynch. Let's be real. I'll do it real. Okay. Hey, man. Thanks for putting me in your movie. Oh, you're in his movie? Yeah, dude. What movie was it? He wrote a movie. When? What? Some of these are first. How did he call you? But he called you. You don't have call. He went to my agent. Oh. And then the agent goes, yeah, Billy wants you in the movie. So I said, yes.
So I show up, so I'm like, what's up, Bill? Thanks for putting me in your movie, man. You're welcome. Okay, cool. Anyway, I haven't seen you in like 20 years, dude. You and your wife were so nice to me back in the day when we used to hang out. 406-9734. That's how you do it. Yeah. That worked. It worked, didn't it? How'd you get John Myers? I'm going to need you guys back on set. Yeah, yeah. How'd you get John Myers? His phone number? Yeah, I know how. Are you good friends with John Myers? Yeah.
What was that? You just go on AGT right there? What was that? How was your experience here, Howie? Did you have fun? That's a goodbye, isn't it? What's that? Do you have time this week to come do mine? I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Fucking liar. Howie, Howie. He's never coming back. Let me be your agent here. He's never coming back. Where are you going tomorrow morning? Miami. He is. A golf thing. With John Mayer. Yeah. I actually am going with John Mayer.
John is going to fly me out. And I'm busy too. We come on. Now, do you know why I won't come back on the show? No. Because I don't do anybody else's podcast because I already do ours.
and mine, and that's all I want to... He can test it. Me too. No, that's a lie. You do shit all the time. I've been slowing down. Look at me today. I was all over the fucking... But ask these guys. Ask these guys that truth. Do I do other shows? Well, you're starting a new one right now. No, my own. Yeah. Yeah, no, but do I do other people's shows? You're not doing... You're getting rid of whiskey? Whiskey? I'm probably going to... Whiskey's going to be around for a little bit, but I have to do the golf show. It's a show. It's a podcast, but it's a web show. So why won't you do mine? I'm going to do one too, though.
I will do my Star Trek one. Andrew, you didn't say that. You're more than welcome. Dude, honestly, I'd love to fold this podcast. So why not? No, forever. No, no, this thing is done for me. I won't do it then. You can do yours. Fuck, dude. Do everything you want. But Andrew. I'm sure the fans would like that, though. But you won't. So you won't.
But it's two good organizers, you and Adam. Just two guys that will hunker down. You said, I will in July when I'm back from the tour. What is that? I said, you want to do the tour? You said, I will soon. Then I said, okay, give me a month or times. And you go, I will in July when I'm back from tour. And then I read, are you ready for a podcast? Hey, brother, I shall in a bit. We're playing catch up on our two shows, but I will. It's true. I will.
And then I come here and say, so you ready? You go, I don't do podcasts. Yeah, sometimes he has to be direct. I don't. After a lot of my kids. Color me wrong. I'm texting him right now. I just got a DM. It says, I don't do podcasts.
So anyway, I got to tell you, all kidding aside. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you. I think you're really funny. We love you. I watch everything you do. You're also really, both of you are really good actors. No, no, no, no. He's better. He's a better actor. You got to potty train yourself, young lady, and then you'll be somebody I'll appreciate. Okay. Okay? No, I'm serious. You got to stop pooping.
It's just sometimes. Yeah, but there should be no time. Is it weird that Howie Mandel's sitting next to you or no? No. Okay. She's used to it. You're used to it, right? Because my assistant, my assistant Melanie, the first time you called her, she called me freaking the fuck out. She goes, what the fuck? Howie Mandel just called me. And do you not remember? He's a piece of shit. You got remembered? And do you remember when I came and did your show and she sat right beside me? Yeah. And you said, do you know who he is? Yeah. And what did she say?
No. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I spent the next 20 minutes explaining deal or no deal to you. That's what I remember. Yeah. I remember that. And at the end of it, she was like, no deal. No deal. Howie, can you look in the camera and go, thank you for being a bad friend? Thank you for being a bad friend. I knew the whistle was coming.