Asian Joker v Dave Blunts
01:17:25 Share

Howdy, mate. Bye. I'm being so tight. And we're going to London, England, July 18th. And then July 19th, we'll be in Dublin, Ireland. Tickets are available right now. We never go to these places. Never go to these places. Once the show's done, we no come back. We no come back. Yeah, yeah. So you got to go. You got to go. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo.

I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Let me tell you something. You texted me today and you said, are you mad at me? Never. Yeah, you do. You get angry. And you know what? I've never been mad at you. You have Dollywood. Do you cancel sessions that are important to us? Yeah. I know. That's what I'm talking about. It's an inner lingering slow burn of anger. No, no, no.

Hi, Rudy Jewell. Look what we got for you. A normal chair. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Yeah. I haven't seen you since last year. Do you miss me? I miss you, but you're going over to Tiger Bell. You're doing that all the time and you're really breaking my heart a little bit. No, no, no, no.

We embraced you. Not just Tiger Belly. Oh, yeah. Trash Tuesday, baby, where the money is. So here's the problem. And the followings and the glamour and the glitz. We gave you your start. Nothing. She dropped us, dude. Well, you know what we are?

We are the guy that she dated before she got famous. Exactly. And she drops us. No, she got famous. You know, the first guy that you date. I'll even do one you better, dude. Yeah, give it. Right? We're the hot guy, right, that she dated. I disagree with the first part. But just hear my point. We're the medium guy. We're the medium guy. But then she got blew up and went uglier. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm going to go down. I'm going to go downtown. What's been going on, Jules?

I've just been dissecting animals. God bless. God bless you. Rats and earthworms and the crickets. How are you dissecting earthworms? They're so small. You're using the tiniest little knife? Yeah, and it's really fun, especially with the rats. You love dissecting rats. She went to ugly and also just ghosted the hot guy. Well, as soon as, here's what really happened.

Tell me the science behind it. As soon as she left this show and you and Kalilah broke up and she started to get away from our show. Yeah. That's when she was like, I don't need to talk to Tito Andrew ever again. And she. That seems to be the truth. It's the truth. That seems to be the reality. And that's okay. Did I show you nothing but love for four years? Pure love. It's the kind of love Mother Teresa gave. Same. To the poorest. Exact same. Yeah, yeah. It's that kind of.

Unhinged. No, undying. Undying love. That's what I meant. Anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy Giuliani is back. Rudy Giuliani is back in the studio. Are you happy to be back? I'm happy. Who of the people here are you happiest to see? Let's go in order. Happiest to least happy to see. Go ahead. First is you. Thank you. Andres. Yes. Carlos. Awesome. Macon. Love that.

And Bobby's separate. You're separate. It doesn't count because she sees you all the time. She sees you all the time. I'm not even on the list. What? I cannot believe it. Let me ask you, lady. You see her every day. There was a fire long ago, right? Yeah. Was there not a fire long ago? The Great Chicago Fire? No, the Great L.A. Fire. Oh, the lovely L.A. Fire. People are running. You know what I mean? Help! I get a call. Can you harbor...

and take care of little Jules and the dogs. And I said, kindly, my heart is out to you. My heart goes out. And you know what happens to that heart? Hmm.

They pee on it. They piss on your heart. Yeah. You piss, you squat on his chest and you piss on his heart. In the yellowest pee you've ever seen. Wow. Yeah. Jimmy O. Yang yellow. Wow. Yeah, that's the most yellow you can get. Right. Very bright. That is a bright star. Yeah. Well, I'll say this. I'm glad that you're back. I love that you put McCone last. He is the least important of the crew. Although...

He did have a fun time at my special, and then he went and jumped in the... What'd you do? You jumped in the lake? Yeah, I had a polar plunge. He did a polar plunge, and all the proceeds went to... So all the proceeds went... It was for Special Olympics? Mm-hmm. That's so good. So here's what they do. All the money they collected, they rounded up all of these strong people to throw handicapped people into the lake. Handicapped people? Yeah, people with Down syndrome. They threw them in the lake. That guy doesn't have Down syndrome, does he? He does. Well, he does after he gets out of that lake. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, shape down syndrome, but I don't think it happened. Down syndrome shape. Yeah, yeah, the shape. So what? The money I donated to you went to where? I hope it didn't go to you. And how much did I donate? None. Exactly. I don't believe in it. You didn't give him any money? I don't believe in the fucking cause. It's for Special Olympics.

Go ahead. It is? It was all for Special Olympics. I said that in the text. That's why I gave it to you. I thought he was doing a joke, like you were in the Special Olympics. I didn't read it. Well, I know you didn't read it. I just read Special Olympics and he's trying to make fun of me. You think he's attacking you. He's attacking me, so I didn't read the whole thing. Don't put that in there next time. But you don't get anything. But, whoa. I am happy that that money went to there. So you jumped in the river. I told you not to jump in the lake. I could have just given you the money. No.

No, it's fine. Was it cold? It was 12 degrees outside. How cold was the water? Water was 33 degrees. Love it. And how long did you stay in for? No chance you lasted. No, I was under and out immediately. You went head underneath? That's smart. That's good. It's deep enough to where you kind of have to. Have you ever done a polar plunge? Have you ever jumped in a freezing cold lake or body of water? No. Did you go naked? No, I was just wearing short shorts. All the Special Olympics kids were naked for sure. There's no doubt.

They can't keep the clothes on. I mean, I'm tired. I haven't slept. But let me say something. Time out. You're tired? It's 7 p.m. We did this. We moved this shoot till nighttime. You got back from San Francisco at 9 a.m. What'd you do today? Okay, so all weekend I did not sleep at all. You were doing shows. I know. Did not sleep. How? It was so cold and the heat was too heat. Yeah.

I don't like it when the heat's too heat. You know what I mean? What is your perfect optimal room temperature in a hotel? Probably a 70. You know you can set that right on the thing. I know, but what happens is it's so cold through the window, it combines. And there's a horrific... Oh, it's like when the Atlantic and the Pacific meet. It's like, no, I'm more like an angel and the demon. Oh. And they're dancing in the air. And I don't really like that. Dancing in the air. You know? Now, did you have a hotel with a bathtub?

It's a combo. You see at the hotel Zoe? The Zoe. The Zoe. Yeah. Is it not Zoe? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that last time. I didn't this time, but it's a combo tub shower. I don't like it. But you know what I do like? And it's polite. Because sometimes it's a combo shower bath.

But if you want to take a fucking shower, you have to actually go in the tub and do the shower and then you get wet. Get out. But you know what this clever fucking thing has? A little window. Oh, you put your arm through. You put your arm through and you open it. I remember that. You remember that? Yeah, that's right. And it's a clever little zozo. Smart. I like it. I don't like the shower tubs because I feel like I'm going to slip and that is exactly how I die.

I'm already prone to slipping in bathrooms and hitting my head on the thing. Well, we've heard the story. I know. I don't need to do it. And they have earthquakes up there. Imagine. I imagine. Imagine it happened to me twice. But I hadn't been back to Cobb's. The last time I was there is when Ken Jeong attacked me in the green room. How long ago is this? Like 15 years ago. So I pointed to all my openers. This is where it happened. Wow. And I positioned the chairs. He turned around like this. How nice is Cobb's? Honestly, it's...

And then after that, I did a MySpace corporate show with Al Madrigal, Ian Edwards, Natasha Leggero. Ask everyone that works there.

When I got off stage, I started to cry. I bombed so bad. And then I went into the kitchen. Well, MySpace isn't even around anymore, is it? That's how long ago it was. And I got on my hands and knees and I vowed to the gods, I'll never play her again. I've always had bad luck there. At Cobbs or in- Yeah, so I haven't been there for like 15 years. God, MySpace is still active. It's still active, yeah. I wonder what my page looks like. Go to Bobby Lee on MySpace. Let's see what that looks like. I don't think I, there's no, they got rid of it. They got rid of it. It's gone. Joaquin's profile picture.

You never had MySpace, did you? I had. My aunt made it for me, but I just didn't know what to do. They didn't have internet back then, so they had to physically make it. LAUGHTER

They physically make a space for her. And she says, my on it. It's my space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she sits in a little fucking hole. They just go around all day around Subu going, that's my space. That's my space. That's my space. Yeah, yeah. And then you draw your friends, right? Your top 10. You draw the faces. On the walls? On the wall, yeah, yeah. Walls with fire? It's really good. Yeah, with fire. Yeah, so it's cool. Tell me what's been going on in your life, Jules. I am interested to know. By the way, look at this. Look at this. Look.

Hold on. Look at my finger. What's going on with you? It's been doing this. Look at him. Oh, my God. He has that disease. Parkinson's? Give me back that polar plunge money. What's been going on? I'm graduating this May, so if you guys want to come. No, we don't want to come. To your graduation? I'm going. Of course we want to go. What did we talk? Of course we want to. Do we wear a suit? What did we happen? You know what? We'll dress like men in black.

Just casual. No, you know what we'll do? We'll get the suits from Dumb and Dumber. Oh, yeah. Can we wear those? Let's pull those. We're going to be bright. I want to wear those. I'm going to bleach my hair.

And we wear funny goggles. Dude, Dumb and Dumber suits. Can we look at that? You and me, that's a hundred. We have to wear that. We're going to dress up. That's you and me. Are you going to really do that though? I'll do it with you. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. It's on May. So I'll get your ticket. On May. Well, so school worked well. Can I tell you? In May. Yeah, May. Okay. So it's in May. Yeah. And then is there an after party? I mean, I'm not going unless there's an after party.

There's not. You're not throwing a graduation party? No. You have to throw a party. How about boba milk tea? You love that. A little boba tea party. You know what? We'll set it up. We'll get a boba truck. Boba truck, boba milk party. Let's do that. Okay. Okay. That sounds fun. Look at that. That's what we want to do. We want to party. And you got to throw your hat. And then three years from now, they work at fucking Chipotle. What?

That's mean. Underneath there, it should just say corn or flour right underneath. I'm off today. I'm off today. You're getting back. I'm getting back. You're fine. We're going to hum right into it. So- What are you going to write on your cap? You have to write like an inspirational quote. You know that, right? I have to write? I mean, people do that. That's like a thing, right? They write something inspirational on the top of their hat. We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. A, Canadian. Canadian, yeah. Count all of your blessings-

Something your dreams. I can't say. Remember your dreams. Jimmy Buffett said that. A man of many quotes. It is five o'clock somewhere. I want negative ones, though. You know what I mean? Create chaos. Like a joker. What would Joker say? So incell-y. What? Like into the Joker. It is so incell-y. Eat the rich, no? Yeah, eat the rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so funny to write that on your cap. They're going to frisk her. Then they're going to think she's going to shoot up the graduation. I mean, you're already wearing a long gown. What would a Korean Joker feel like? A Korean Joker. A Korean Joker. A Korean Joker.

Where we were at? Enjoy the kimchi. Enjoy the kimchi? Where we were at? He poisoned the kimchi at graduation. You know what I'm saying? When I say where we were? Where we were? Yeah. What? Riddler. Oh, where we were? Yeah, yeah. Where we were at? What happened? There was a Korean... There was actually a Korean joker? Yeah, he was targeting...

Fentanyl? A feminist group. Oh, a feminist group. So he was an anti-feminist. Oh, I love that. No, no, no. Activists harassed and targeted by anti-feminist groups. He kept following us and shouting. We were terrified. We were in South Korea? Yeah. That's insane. We support the women. We really do. That's crazy. Did you get pussy in San Francisco? No. What happened was this, and I did one of my old school high school tricks.

Oh, you want to guess what it is? I'll talk about it. Yeah, you show up to the party. There's no party. High on drugs. No, no, no, no, no, no. You go in the corner, you masturbate, you go home. No, you go cute. You go cutesy poot. Right, so what happened was she came to a show. So there's this girl I met years ago on Instagram. Very pretty. And then she kind of like disappeared from the DMs. But then she's like, can I get a ticket? Because they're sold out, right? So I get her in. I do come up. Some high school friends came up. Then she comes up.

And then I invited her to dinner with the gang. And we go to the dinner. And then I kissed that show for some reason, 10 dudes from stage. You don't kiss 10 dudes with us. I know, but I did. 10 guys? Yeah, I just, everyone would do it. Wow, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then she was like, how come you don't kiss me? So in the car ride, I had made her drive by. I go, let's just do a kiss, right? I went like that. We kissed like that. A peck. Just a peck. And I go, let's do it again, right? A little stronger peck. Yeah.

Let's do it again. A little Gregory Peck. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Samuel French. Yeah, yeah, you Pearl Harbor it. Right. Right? And then we just made out the whole time in the car. Whoa. How long is a makeout now?

In 2025? Well, here's the deal. I don't get that. Well, here's why. I don't get that. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Like, because if I'm making out with my wife, it's because we're hooking up. You're making out as a setup. I'm saying how long? No, I'm making out because, remember, I haven't been jerking off. Right. Now you're loaded for a month? Like 12 days or whatever. Pretty good. Right? Not last night. Yeah, you had to. Right? And then my penis went...

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Old boy Dave woke up. Yeah, old boy Dave. I want you to fight. Let's go. Black guy. Whatever. Bing, bing, bing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you're making out with somebody, your body, it's just biological, right? Yeah, right. You're just super horny. Well, that's the moment. And I just, you know, four pumps and a fucking marshmallow came out.

Yeah, it was so thick. It hurt. It's like wood glue coming out of your people. Oh, wow. It hurt so bad. And it was like a pancake batter. Yeah, yeah. Am I Aunt Jemima? What's going on around here, dude? It was like... You know what I mean? It was like... You're right. I know you meant pancake, but you said can cake. And...

And somehow, pancake is thicker than pancake. It is the way thicker. I agree. It's the thickest. I meant to say can cake. Can cake batter is the thickest. Yeah, yeah. Can cake batter is the best. What is can cake? So wait a minute. Little kissy session and then never talk to her again. That's it. I don't know. Maybe more. Well, you know, and this is a message to everybody. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. You're high, huh? Me? Yeah, yeah. Why are you giggling at that then? Because Andres made me laugh. Okay, so may I make a message to the women? You may. Ladies and gentlemen, a message for the women.

I'm ready for a relationship. He wants to settle down. But the dam has to break. I don't know what that means. What? I don't know what that means. Well, I'm a poet. I know. And so just figure out what that means. All right, Hemingway, let me think. Yeah. The dam has to break means... Yeah.

Oh. That's right. I get it. What is it? You want a squirter. Is that... No? That's a part of it. Yeah. Yeah. No, what I'm saying is that... I think I used the wrong terminology. I think so. I think so, yeah. What? Your penis has to break? No, no, no, no, no. Well, you do have to break him in like a new pair of shoes. Yeah, yeah. You got to break in that wiener. No, I mean, just the...

The next person I like and that, you know what I mean, there's intimacy and stuff, I think I might go for it for long-term-y. Really? Yeah. But it's got to be the one. It's got to be the one, yeah. You're ready, ready. Yeah, because, you know, some people treat me like I'm still open mic or bop. Who's that?

open mic or Bob who treats you that way you mean women what you mean women yeah I don't treat no one they're just always like yeah like you know I can do better that kind of mentality and I'm like I don't think so I don't think so yeah you can what you can do better than the comedian in LA it's like the city where Leonardo DiCaprio lives you can do better yeah

Like if you're dating celebrities, like you can go way higher. He's shooting today. I could tell he came with a couple loaded. He's ready. Oh God. He's like such a handsome guy. I understand what you're saying. Have you ever had Shamalays, uh, uh, pancake batter? No, I would. Exactly. I would. Yeah, I know. I would too. Fucking pervert. I would, I would have it, but I want to say, let me direct, direct you. Okay. Um, that's rude. Yeah. And what I'm saying is, is that, um,

Leo's one guy, right? And he wants... He looks up at so many... I know, but he wants 25 or younger and supermodel. Like you. That's not my demographic. No, I'm... The girl that I made out with last night was 33. That's good. Do you understand what I'm saying? Mature. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, you understand what I'm saying? So it's like, you know, I'm not... It's not the same pool that we're fishing from. I apologize, Emperor. Yeah. What I'm saying to you is that I've seen your pool as well. Oh, my God.

Okay. And I can expose some stuff about you as well, right? I went out with a girl. This guy flew out all the way to New York. Oh, my God. Also, first of all, you're in a pool. You're in a pond. Let's be very clear. Yeah, exactly. Thank you so much. But also, you flew to New York to go see somebody? That's why you went to New York. I wonder why you left. Yeah, exactly. Well, actually, I told you before. Wait, no, you told me you were going out there, but not to see somebody. Oh, yeah, that's right. And I want to say, like Ali Wong in her book.

Allie Wong in her book, right? She says. She has a book? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. There's a little paragraph about me. Oh, that's so nice. And then when she came to LA, I didn't hit on her. I showed her around, right? I met her places and I go, this is where you eat. This is where the good clubs, this and that, right? Yeah. I showed them the ropes. There's no sexual intention there. And you know that that's what I'm like. All my openers are women and they're all just friends. So what you're doing right now. What you're doing is hiding in plain sight.

Like Predator. Just like Predator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like Predator the movie.

ShipStation. Live. Live. Life. In general, it can be chaotic. It can. But if you're in charge of order fulfillment for an e-commerce business, you know that it's own special kind of chaos. But with ShipStation, you can count on the day-to-day remaining calm. That's right. You can save hours of money every month by shipping from all your stores with one login, automating repetitive tasks, and finding the best rates among all global carriers. We...

We have merch on the show. And we get it to you thanks to ShipStation. If it weren't for ShipStation, you wouldn't be able to get it so quickly and conveniently. Over 130,000 companies have grown their e-commerce business with ShipStation. And 98% of companies that stick with ShipStation for a year become customers for life. Check it out. It's the fastest, most affordable way to ship products to your customers.

Discounts up to 88% off UPS, DHL, Express, and USPS rates, and up to 90% off FedEx rates. That is incredible. If you own a business of any kind, no matter what the scaling is, tiny, tiny, tiny Tim, or big, biggie, biggie, biggie, you got to be able to use them because they are going to help you, and you never need to upgrade. ShipStation grows with your business no matter how big it gets.

Calm the chaos of order fulfillment with the ShipStation software that delivers. Switch to ShipStation today. Go to ShipStation.com and use the code BADFRIENDS to sign up for your free trial. That's ShipStation.com code BADFRIENDS. Talkspace. Therapy can be costly, okay? But Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most insurance providers and most insured members.

have a $0 copay. Bobby and I both like to talk to somebody. We do. And I want to say, I honestly believe that Talkspace is the best in the business when it comes to this kind of form of therapy. Talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers. Most insured members have a $0 copay.

You want to talk to a therapist from the comfort of your own home, your own couch, your own bathtub, your own patio, your balcony, your rooftop, your front lawn, your car, your truck, your van, or your favorite little coffee shop? You can do it from all those. Hovercraft. And your Hovercraft, by the way. They're Hovercraft friendly.

Talkspace is the leading virtual therapy provider. They make getting the help that you need easy, accessible, and affordable. You got to try it, okay? As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash badfriends and enter promo code BADFRIENDS

Space 80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash bad friends and enter promo code space 80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash bad friends promo code space 80. True classic. Look.

I'm not somebody who likes to go shopping a lot. I don't like to pick all these new styles and all this stuff. Sometimes I like to get back to the basics, the good old basics, the tried and true, and True Classic has that in spades. If James Dean and Steve McQueen were still alive, that's all they'd be wearing is True Classic. It's a fact. Because they're classic men. Classic men who love basic stuff.

Simple, clean, spring essentials. You know, the Pima Crew, the short sleeve comfort knit button up. The Chino shorts are great too. And the six inch swim trunks. Look, I have so much of this stuff. I wear it to the gym. I wear it during the day. I wear it to a meeting. I wear it to a dinner. You can dress them up, dress them down. Premium clothes at an affordable price. You can build the perfect outfit in five minutes or less and everything goes great together. That's the best part about Simple Clean Classics.

Free shipping on all orders. 100% perfect fit guarantee with easy returns. Trusted by over 4 million customers and 200,000 five-star reviews. The more you bundle, the more you save. The best-selling t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and more come in three, six, and nine packs. Get it as a group. Why do you need to keep going back to find new stuff? Cut it out. Get something trusted, simple, clean, and wonderful.

Whether you're building up for the cold or getting ready for the spring, level up your style with clothes that actually fit right. Just go to my exclusive link here at trueclassic.com slash badfriendstosave. That's trueclassic.com slash badfriends. Shop now and elevate your wardrobe today. You're jet-setting now because of the show. Of course, yeah. And it's great, and I'm proud of you. Thank you. I do want... It can end. Oh. Bob, what are you... Well, let the emperor speak. You know, I treat you like a peer.

All of you guys. Maybe better than a peer. Yeah. Like Alex Costa. You know him? No clue. He works for me. What? On Tiger Belly. Alex? Why? We go into Patagonia yesterday and I'm going to buy something. He goes, Bob, can I buy me something? I go, yeah. And I go to this register and I'm bringing things in. It is $600. And the thing I bought was $80. What did he buy? This fucking complex winter jacket. Yeah.

Right? You bought it though. Yeah. You did. Yeah, yeah. I was so livid. Right? And what I'm saying is you guys treat me like that too. Like we're peers and I want to say this to you, right? And it's not a threat. It's an order. Right? Yeah. This is Trump and Zelensky. It's,

I'm Zelensky. I'm Zelensky for sure. Oh, yeah. You attack me first. No, this is... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Putin. I like that. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you're closer to Putin. Yeah, you're closer to Putin. So what I'm saying to you is that I love you, right? I love you too. But it could end. Oh, wow. The dream could end. I'm aware. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You too, McCone, and you too. Me? Yeah.

He goes, me? He's actually been good. He's great. And also, let's be real about the Patagonia jacket. That's crazy. You fucking loved buying that. You love that. You know you did. Because it's a power move now. Now you have that over that kid. Remember when I bought you that fucking jacket? And shoes? That's what I'm saying. You're going to use that. You play chess. A lot of people look at you and think checkers. Chinese. No, no. No one thinks checkers. Everyone thinks chess. Guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or my guy or

Whatever. Pai Gao. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people look at you and they think Pai Gao. Pai Gao. Yeah, yeah. But you're actually playing savant level street. Russian opening. Chess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Seriously, you are. Because he's done this since I've known him. A castle. En passant. You know what en passant is? En passant. And you have little pawns all over the place. Yeah. Right? And you're the queen. Yeah. You are the queen. And you've always been the queen. I'm the king? No, buddy. You're the queen. I'm the queen. The queen is by far the most powerful piece in chess. All right. You should know that. You play chess. Yeah.

I'm the king. You're the king. Okay, you're the king. Because we're partners. Bishop. Andreas. Rook, rook, rook, rook. He's a rook. All ricks. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. McCone is a pawn.

Oh, yeah, yeah, pawn, pawn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is... Carlos, you know, honestly... Yeah, knight. He might be a knight. Yeah, because he goes, he lies. Oh, he deceives. Yeah, yeah, L, L, L. L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L. You know what I mean? Yeah, what is she? She's the bishop. Angles. She is a bishop. Angles. Angles, angles. Angles, angles. Precise to tact. Watch this, watch this, watch this. That's how good she is at attacks and angles. Ready? Yeah. You have the floor. Your mom's a hoe. Okay, see? See?

It's an attacked angle. You little fucker. That was so good. You little fucker. You are a good fucker though. So she is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Bishop moves there. Yeah, that's great. So we have it all figured out in the studio. He's so mad at you. You don't know about this guy. Those little things, they seep into his- You know what's really funny? Look at it. Look at how red his face is. You know what's funny? You said-

I know. I could never be mad at you. It really, it kind of sucks. Yeah, it sucks. Like if one of the clowns did it, it would be a fight. Do you remember when she was mad at us? Oh, yeah. That was the most heartbreaking two weeks. I broke my heart. It really did hurt my feelings. What? It hurt my feelings. What? Your mom's a hoe? Yeah.

Yeah, it just settled. Yeah, it just settled. It just settled. It settled, right? Now I see the river is. Yeah, yeah. I'm mad. It was. I knew. No. That was good. No, never in a million years. Wow. But you planted a seed. Congratulations. Very good. It was very good. Yeah, yeah, very good. And you know what another thing you do that drives me crazy, my friend? What? Since we're doing this. Yeah, get it out. Why is it when I recommend you something, you never watch it? But when anyone else recommends it, you watch it. Like what?

Like I've been asking you to watch different things and you don't watch it. And I've been telling you. See, like now. Notice. Did you notice? I saw. I've been telling you that. Yeah. Go ahead. I've been telling you I'm busy and I'm so tired that I can't watch any show. It's so funny. Can I kind of counteract that? Yeah. You live with me. Yeah. Right? Do I have ears? Yes.

Yeah. Do I hear you playing shit down there? Yeah. All kinds of fucking Asian shit. Is that Japanese? 24 hours a day. And she's giggling. Oh, go, go, go.

Right, right, right. And I recommend nothing. Nothing. Yeah. It's TikTok. It's different. It is. That is true. Don't ever raise your voice like that to me, okay? Why is it different? Because you can just scroll. You don't have to think about it. You don't have to actually like watch it. It's just scrolling. I got to stop. My TikTok time is bad. It consumes my life. One day, I'm not going to lie, I did six hours.

I do too. That's a lot. It's a lot. Anytime I'm on a flight and it has Wi-Fi, I'm TikToking. And the government has us.

You want to enslave us? Well, the good government. The Chinese government. The one we love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one we love, yeah. Back then they did it with religion, right? Now they're doing it with TikTok. Now they're doing it with TikTok and capitalism. Get ready with me. And we're all slaves, right? And I love it. Get ready with me to become a Chinese slave. I love being a Chinese slave. Me too. We're there. Nezha. Nezha. Did you see it? The what? Nezha. He recommended Nezha. You didn't watch that, did you? No.

Naysa 2 is out. Okay? It made $2 billion in China. It's the greatest animation movie I've ever seen. You better watch it before they make a third one. Yeah, yeah. What did you say? Did we ever what? Did you guys ever download the other TikTok app?

What? Red zone or whatever it is. Red line. Red pipes. What is it? What is it? It's the red note. Red note. So was I close? When I said red line, was I close? Did you hear that? It's already in Chinese. It's all in Chinese. Was I close? Yeah. Thank you. It's named as Cao Qiong Qu, a Chinese social media app that allows users to share and discover different content about fashion, travel, and more. Similar to Instagram with a layout similar to Pinterest. There was a Mongolian guy on my show.

And I kissed him in the lips. And he just came here from Mongolia. And he stood up and petrified. And he goes, I don't know what's going on. Like he was like, I don't know what's going on. Imagine a Mongolian guy who's like literally never been to the United States. That's his first trip. Look at that. Look at them. They're all data from fucking Goonies. All data.

They're dressed like that. What a peaceful life. Don't you want to do this with me? Dude, zoom in. That's so funny. I just realized, look at his hat. I realized why they like Spider-Man. Why? Look at those eyes. That's the closest superhero they have. Might as well do a Mongolian Spider-Man. Might as well do it. There's a window open. Let's go. Spider-Man. Come on. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and there's no fucking buildings or trees. So they're doing trees. Maybe trees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trees. Spider-Man. Spider-Man. From tree to tree. You will see. Anyway. This is Mongolian Spider-Man. That is kind of, it does make sense when you see the mask now. I've never even thought about that. Wow. Yeah.

Oh, what a cute guy. And it was Chinese Spider-Man. Yeah, Asian Spider-Man is out there. That's so cute. All right, so what else in your life, Jules? I want to hear what's going on besides you being tired, which is the narrative that's been happening for the five years I've known you. I'm just living with little Bobby because of the fires. Yeah. I have all the dogs, school, work. What?

Well, I could see you working at like Chick-fil-A and that would help us because I'd like to eat it more often for free. Yeah. I also want to do that for free food. Well, then go get a job at Chick-fil-A. There's one near here. Well, I need a visa. Oh, yeah. Can you buy the five million gold visa for me? What does that mean? Trump says. Trump is giving.

US will sell five million dollar wait sell five million dollar gold card to wealthy foreigners so you have to pay five million dollars yeah and then you get a really easy path to citizenship but apparently it's not even that much money for a lot of people so it's gonna attract like grifters five million dollars is not much money every country has a

gold visa, which is like if you invest enough money in the country you're going to. Well, I understand that, but this is just your outright buying a visa for $5 million. If you're an entrepreneur who's invested and has work here, then it's different. But this is, you just pay $5 million. Buy a house or whatever it is. Wow. Yeah, but the guy that's doing the rice on his head, you know what I mean? He can't go.

If he had a dollar for every grain. That's true. That is true. That's true. We're going to be selling a gold card. I love that. It's a gold card. Yeah, it's crazy. You have a, if you have a green card, this is a gold card. I love dude. He puts everything in toddler perspective. Yeah.

You have a green card. This is a gold card. But do you know why he's doing this? Because Elon Musk and the tech stuff, remember? Yeah. You mean all the Doge shit? What? All the Doge stuff? Like the Doge employees that are clearing out the government? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's a lot of tech people from other lands. And then Trump goes, I don't know. You know what I mean? And there was a controversy. So now I think this is a way for them to get in. $5 million is insane. So you're telling me enough people...

That's a very limited amount of people that have $5 million laying around. That's why they do it, yeah. But then it's like a tease. How many people can really do it? I mean, I guess Chinese money, maybe a lot. There's a lot of billionaires in China. Doesn't China have the most billionaires in the world? Of course, yeah. Yeah, but they're the most people. I know, but even so per capita, they have the most billionaires. Really? By far. We don't even have that many. We have the most billionaires. We do. Yeah. Oh, wow. We're the best. Holy shit. There's Indian billionaires. Yeah.

Do it. What? I am the Cody King. Yeah, that's it. I will be a billionaire. Wealth and technology, pharmaceuticals and energy. Wow. Wow. Germany.

We made a lot of mistakes. But we're back. Russia. Of course. We stole this money and killed. They killed for all that money. Yeah. Wow. Russia will kill you. Yeah. Well, 813 billionaires. Do you want that card? Really? I was wrong. I thought if we gave it, what would you do for us if we got you a $5 million gold card? And let me preface this by saying we're not doing it. Yeah. Yeah. But what? Well, if you were going to do it. What would happen?

You do this podcast every week. You're basically buying her. That's like you bought a human. Yeah. That's like you would buy a human, which by the way, you know this is going to enact human trafficking for sure. That's inevitable of what this is going to do. There's no way this is a positive program. So what could you even offer us? If Bobby and I got a bunch of investors to give us enough money to pay for you to become a $5 million gold card citizen, what do we get in return?

I can clean. I can cook. I can wash the dishes. You've never cooked me anything, bitch. Because you never asked. You know what kicked me? One thing. Today I woke up from my nap, bacon. Were you cooking bacon? Love bacon. Yeah, yeah. Bacon throughout my house. Yeah. None for me. You cook bacon and don't leave extra? No. That's insane. Yeah, it's insane. That's crazy. Another thing she does is, do you not like me? Because even when we live together-

We never see each other. That's because I wake up in the morning, you wake up at night. We don't see each other. There is fact that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even when you're there, trust me, you don't leave. And what do I give you? Donuts. Old fairy donuts. Right? I like the pistachios. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess what you've gotten me as a gift? Zero. A burden. A burden. You're a burden. Trust me, Light. Let me ask you something. What? Everyone in the room.

When you cook bacon at home, you cook the whole package. No. What? What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? You don't cook the whole thing? I'm not going to eat 15 strips. I know. I know. No, but I mean, what do you do? No, what you do is you cook the whole thing, and then you have some for the dogs, and then you have some in the fridge that you make later with a sandwich, so it's cooked already. No. Oh, that's, I never thought of that. It's the best. Okay. Every time I do it, you cook the whole fucking, you don't do this?

I microwave my bacon. Maybe this is some Midwest shit. I've never been into a house back in the day when we were growing up. You always had to have extra bacon because what she's doing is violating you. She's cooking in your home, not leaving leftovers for you. It's a complete violation. It's a complete violation. I agree. It's a complete violation. You cook the whole fucking sleeve. You leave some for Tito. You give some for the dogs. Here's some of the bacon, Tito Bobby. No, but- Rapper, rapper, rapper. Rapper, rapper. Tito Bobby doesn't even eat like cold stuff already. You heat it up.

No, even then, he doesn't eat leftovers. Once it's like... Oh my God! There it is. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. Faceline fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. But don't say it out loud. Yeah, don't tell anybody that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but honestly, you cook the whole sleeve. Maybe that's in the Midwest because every house you go to, they would cook the whole sleeve. You absolutely wouldn't save it. It doesn't make any sense. Also...

Once you've opened the package of bacon, slimy, sloppy, greasy bacon, you put it in the thing, it's a thing, it's a spill, it's a thing, it's a fridge, it's a nightmare. Don't do it. Cook the whole sleeve. From now on, you cook the whole packet and you go, Tita Bobby, I cook your bacon. And you give some to the dogs. Or do you not feed the dogs bacon? Let me ask you another question. Who gives the dogs treats?

You. Exactly. Do you buy any treats? They already have their food. No, no, no. Yeah, she's doing Filipino rules. That's insane. Yeah, yeah. We're in America. Get one meal a day. Yeah, I know. That's what it is. You have to understand. The dog's food is to keep it alive. Treats are to keep it happy and engaged. Exactly. I just give it like once a week. What the fuck? It's insane. And also, she measures the food. You only get this two pounds. Whatever. You weigh it. You weigh it. I don't want them to be fat.

fat I don't want them to be we have dog ozempic now yeah they do they make it right what's up wet wag govi they have yeah let me tell you something yeah that's fucked up you've got to feed dogs treats that keeps them happy and engaged yeah trust me and my fear is when they she leaves one day with the dogs they they look at me with sad eyes yeah hey good daddy hey dude

Bye-bye. You know what I mean? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Yeah, yeah. I feel so sad about it. You know what you're basically doing? It's like when a prisoner, they slide the meal through the door slot. Yeah. Giving them regimented door slot. They're not even satisfied by that. That's so they can get through the day. You got to go get some more treats. And I want to say another thing, okay? Let me just say another thing, okay? They move out of my house, right? I have a dog, older dog named Remy. Yeah, I know. All right?

perfectly walking, spine fine. Fine spine. Perfect eyesight. The next time I see it, right? Broken. Not just broken, 50 pounds less, twisted spine, legs, you know what I mean? Gray eyes. He's blind. I go, what are you doing? You gave a dog spina bifida and made it go blind? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give it some fucking... No treats, dude. That's why. No, because he's just getting old. Okay, you're right. Maybe you're right. Do you ever give the dog like peanut butter or anything like that? Some...

God, dude, what? You're like ripping the joy of a dog. There's a pill, though. Have you seen that you can extend the dog's life already? I'm buying it already. Get the pill. Biohacking your dog's life. Oh, my God. Second drug for canine healthy lifespan extension receives what? A grant? FDA support. You can do it already. Zoom in. A developmental drug that aims to extend the healthy lifespan of senior dogs is received in acceptance by the FDA Center for Veterinary Medicine. Oh.

For Remy, we got to get it now. The drug is called L-O-Y-002. L-O-Y-002 targets age-related metabolic dysfunction and is also designed to improve quality of life in canines aged 10 years and older, weighing at least 14 pounds. Remy's older than 10. One pound. One pound. He's 10 pounds? Yeah. Well, then if you fed him some fucking treats, maybe we could get him the L-O-Y. Oh, he has to be 12? What did it say? What did it say? It said 14. 14.

You got to fatten up Remy, dude. I want to get him this. You got to get him that. You got to get him fat. You want Remy to live? Yeah. We're going to fatten him up. Okay. By the way, fat and happy is the way most people like to live. They like to live like that. Okay. Yeah. This is great. I want to buy this immediately. What a great. How do you inject it? Do you inject it or do you feed it? It seems like it's a pill, right? Or it's something they chew on. Yeah.

By the way, I don't know if you ever have to give your dog pills. We just had to give her pills when we were back home because she was sick. Oh, no. But by the way, impossible. She won't eat it. And we bury it in the treats and the food. Still knows it's in there. We'll eat all the treat and then spit out the pill. Yeah. You're fucking genius. She's a genius. It pissed me off. She did it every time. We buried it. Then I put it in a...

uh uh uh uh oh my god the you know the kong chu toy you know yeah and i put it in there with all sorts of fucking bullshit yeah she cleared it out around it and left the pill yeah yeah yeah fucking little asshole shopify oh boy buddy guess what what

We have an online business and it's incredible because we use Shopify. That is why we're so good. By the way, nobody does selling better than Shopify. It's home of the number one checkout on the planet. A lot of people go, hey man, I like aloe. I love aloe. Skims, all birds, you know?

And you think, that's a good product, isn't it, Bob? High-grade product. But I'll tell you what. What guy? There's a business behind the business. Exactly. And that business is Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay that boosts conversions up to 50%. That means way less carts are going to go abandoned and way more sales are going cha-ching, cha-ching.

If you're into growing your business, your commerce platform, better be ready to sell whenever, wherever your customers are scrolling and strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. That's right. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Aloe and Allbirds. That's right. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash badfriends, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash badfriends to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash badfriends.

Adam and Eve. I love Adam and Eve. I'm telling you something. I'm not embarrassed by it, but I used gadgets. You love gadgets and toys and gizmos. Vibration, suctions, and I really enjoy my sexually...

And I get it from Adam and Eve. Who wants better sex? I do. Who wants to start having better sex immediately? That's what I was going to say. I want it right now. The best way to get started is to go to adamandeve.com right now. Okay. Well, I can't go because we're on the show. But Adam and Eve, for those that are listening, is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping, which includes rush processing. Do you need those anal beads now? You got to get on Adam and Eve right now. It doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast so your neighbors don't know what you got unless you want to invite them over and show them.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to adamandeve.com and select any one item. It can be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. 50% off almost any item, plus free shipping and plus rush processing. Wow. This is an exclusive offer specific to the podcast, so be sure to use our code BADFRIENDS to get your discount. 100% free shipping and get it fast with rush processing. The code is BADFRIENDS.

Just enter code BADFRIENDS at checkout and get 50% off almost any item, plus free shipping and rush processing. That's BADFRIENDS. You know how to spell it. B-A-D-F-R-I-E-N-D-S at adamandeve.com. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today.

I'm told it's super easy to do at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com. Dude, welcome.

Welcome, dude. Welcome, my dog. Good to see you, bro. Good to see you, dude. How are you? Pete, good to meet you, by the way. Usually you say hi to people when you walk in and say hi. Yeah, you don't walk in like you're during the headlines. Pete, your boy Pete just walked in and he starts fucking snooping around. Is this your dog? Is this one of your closest friends? Yeah. Yeah. Do you have Chinese eyes? First of all, welcome Dave Blunt to the show. Thank you. Dave Blunt, give him a round of applause.

You're a rapper. You make fantastic music. Am I the first rapper on here? Yeah. We had MGK on the show. I don't know if you qualify him. Yeah, I qualify him for sure. Okay, very good. Yeah. He makes music in general, but you do just rap.

Yeah, yeah. A blending of genres, yeah. A blending of genres. And we'll say for the audience that didn't get to see before, he brought his friend Pete, who's his boy, who's snooping around. Hey, I told him to come in here first to check it out. I feel you. And you know, Pete did his job, but usually people say hello. Pete didn't do that. Pete just aimlessly snuck around. And Pete's your second guy. So you had another white guy before him? Yeah, that's my manager, yeah. Where did you find this white?

Man, he found me. He found you. Yeah. That was pretty easy to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Dave, so you found this, this guy found you, and this is your new manager. He's with you every day? Pretty much, yeah, every day. You trust this guy? I do with my entire life, yeah. I like to hear that. This is our manager. This is Rudy. Say hello to Rudy. Yeah, Rudy. That's our manager. She's a genius. She's a genius. She was the head of Sony at one point. For real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. And then this is like-

It's like an emotion. Yeah, yeah. It's way down. Thanks, Dave. How did you end up here? That was good. Tell them how you ended up here.

Because I don't have a visa. She needs a visa. Yeah, she needs a visa. How does that, like, with Sony? She doesn't work for Sony. She doesn't work for Sony. Okay, okay. He's fucking around. Okay, my bad. She's my niece. It's his niece. We are trying to raise money to get her a visa, a $5 million gold visa from Trump. We're interested to know if maybe you would want to donate some of the proceeds. Nah, man. I just got money, man. Real shit, bro. All right. I'm not in a donation. What's your favorite drink? Water, man. I'm glad you guys got this for me. Water. Okay.

This is my newfound favorite drink recently. I've been on my health journey, you know? Not on alcohol or lean anymore. You know what I'm saying? It's just water for now. Are you smoking weed? No, I quit weed when I was like 20. How old are you? I'm 24.

I was smoking from the time I was like nine to 20. Nine? Nine years old. Wow. Give us your story about smoking weed. How many calories is weed? Shit. When you're nine, how do you smoke weed at nine? Bruh, I used to hang around older kids, so they were like teenagers and shit, so...

Yeah. Where'd you grow up? In Iowa. Fucking Iowa. Middle of nowhere. What, like Des Moines? Nah. It was a town called Davenport. Davenport, Iowa. Wow. Yeah. And you're kicking it with a bunch of troublemaking nine-year-olds and somehow someone has an older brother that wants to smoke weed and you're not. Yeah. A ragtag, misfit group of kids. Wow. You talk to any of these guys anymore now that you've made it? Now that you're on? No. No. Not that I changed up on them. We just grew apart over the years before...

Before now. Yeah. So what is your circle very small now? Yeah, it was pretty big at one point, but a bunch of shit happened. People change up. Yeah, now it's pretty small now. Do you care to share what happened in your circle? Did people steal from you?

- Nobody was stealing from me. Just using me pretty much, using me. - Oh man. - I have a show that I do called Bad Friends where my partner uses me very much. - You use him? - Yeah, he does. - I'm a user. - How? - He's a user, baby. - In what ways do you use him? - Well, he does all the business. - That's right. - And I just show up. - That's right. - Okay.

Would you fire me if that was the case? Well, that's your... Is he good at what he does? Very. And you're good at what you do? Not really. The best. Okay, well then, shit, man, it's a give and take. It is, 100%. I love you, dude. You're a positive guy, dude. I appreciate it, man. Is there anything that I cannot say? You can say whatever you want, dude. I just want to make sure. Because I have a fucking gun load. Yeah. Okay. He doesn't have a gun in the building. No, I don't. Make sure there's no... All right, cool. No, but it is funny. Because I've seen a clip with him with a gun before.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to make sure that there's no... You can say anything you want. But he doesn't have a gun, though. He does not have a gun. I have a little tiny yellow gun. Oh, that's... Okay. What do you want to say that you think? I just want to make sure. Just before I get to going crazy, you know what I'm saying? And go.

I've seen some of your work. You don't say crazy things. I say pretty crazy shit. Yeah, he does. In my music, yeah. Like what? Ah, man. Thank you. Thanks, Rude. Shit. Hard R N-word. You're black. Yeah, yeah, but they still have a problem with it on Twitter. Oh, they do? They have a problem on Twitter. That's Elon, huh? Elon doesn't like that. I don't like Twitter, man. Twitter is just like...

Fuck Twitter, man. Fuck Twitter. I don't like Twitter. Well, you can say the N-word on here. Go ahead and say it a bunch if you feel like it right now. Okay. Thank you. I don't really want to say it now. I'm going to put it on the spot. That's all right. I appreciate that, though. Yeah. Say whatever you want. But if I feel like saying it at one point, then I will. But put it on the spot right now. Like three white guys looking at me. Yeah. I'm cool right now. Also, that's definitely not three white guys. That's a Mexican guy on the left, a Spanish guy on the right, and a vagrant. A vagrant. A homeless man. What is a vagrant? Okay. Okay.

I don't offend you. May I say something? It's an observation. Go ahead and say something, man. This reminds me of, remember in The Dark Knight? Dark Knight? Yeah, the movie The Dark Knight. It's a great movie. That guy that was in prison, right? And he exploded. Look at his cell phone right there. Where? In his belly. Yeah, it was sticking out. You know what I mean?

That brought you back to the Dark Knight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That situation, remember? Oh, he ate the cell phone. Yeah, yeah, that's stupid. So dumb. Boy, I sure have some bad friends. Yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, was that funny? No, no, it was funny. Every time he makes a shot at you, you have to take one back. Yeah, take one back. Hit him, hit him. And I got another one for you. I don't know, man. You're a good guy, man. You're my favorite movie ever. What is it? Pineapple Express. Ah.

I can't. You had the scene where you were in the van. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't. Oh, shit. Is that fucking Bobby Lee right there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't. I had to rewind it like three times. Yeah, I can't. Now you feel bad. Yeah. Yeah, right there. Okay, so that's me and Ken Jeong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, in Pineapple Express. Now, can I ask you in that movie, would you like more the Express or the Pineapple?

Probably the pineapple. Pineapple for sure. For sure. Pineapple for sure. You haven't seen the movie, have you? I don't know. I have no idea what it is. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not. We had a whole storyline and they cut the storyline out. We really did. Isn't it in like the DVD? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Dave's even seen that. That's how much he loves and respects you. And here you are shitting on him saying he eats self. You know, I used to watch Mad TV as a kid. Wow. You did? Yes. Ooh.

I said what? You said he was eating a cell phone. No, I just, the visual reminded me of the movie. He doesn't eat cell phones. I don't eat cell phones, man. Tell him what you eat. Tell him that you don't eat cell phones. I guess. Go ahead and guess. Waffles. You like waffles? Blueberry waffles, yeah. I'm a blue waffle. I'm a fan of the blue waffle. Love blueberry. Chicken, fried chicken. All right. Everybody eats fried chicken. I love it too. I had it last night. What else? You do. I like this game. What do you think he eats? I don't know.

Probably Chipotle. Nah, I've never had Chipotle. You're not good at this game. You've never had Chipotle? Nah. That is shocking to me. I've never met someone that hasn't had Chipotle in my life. Do you like tacos? Nah, not really. Collard greens. Yeah, see, he's pretty good at this game. Or not. Okay, what else? Go ahead, Bob. Take it away.

Why are you covering his face? Memphis barbecue. Why is he covering his face? Because we'll put another image of him. Yeah, we'll put another image of you because I feel like what I'm saying is bad. Okay, okay. What would I eat? Go ahead. This is your shot. Rice. It hurts, but I love it. Now we're on the same playing field. Okay, what else? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on. Get deep. Shit. That's right. Shit. Okay, yeah, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else, baby? Come on.

I don't want to say the obvious ones. Say it. Like cats and all that type of shit. You know what I'm saying? You should commit to that, though. Say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, fuck it. Feline cats. Meow. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. At night, he turns into one. At midnight, he'll be like that. Yeah, I do. This is funny. If you say fucked up shit in your raps and on YouTube, but you're a very reserved, calm, sweet guy in life, you don't have that...

I only use it when I need to, you know, I don't really feel like I don't see Bobby Lee as a threat. No, right. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel offended by anything he's saying. You like me. Yeah, I'm a fan. I'm a big fan. I love you right now, dude. I'm a fan. I'm fanned out right now. Oh, wow. Wow. That's great. Yeah. So what kind of size mattress are you sleeping on? What type of size mattress are you sleeping on, Bobby?

I feel like you sleep on a twin crib for about a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, honestly, that was rude. Honestly, I want to be honest with you. Well, we're not going to cut it out. Why? Because you asked a real question. Yeah, and what I want to say to you is this. You sleep on a twin mattress?

That's very good. See what I mean? He's opening up. I feel like you have a car bed or some shit. He has a very kiddies type bed. Yeah, there we go. You come in here and I'm being a child. And I'm like, I'm going to just state the obvious. You have childlike... He is a talented young man. Yes, sir. He's extremely likable. I could see you on a sitcom. Me too. Yeah. You want to act? Yeah, at some point. Let's do a scene.

The title of the sitcom, Way Different Strokes. Way Different Strokes, okay. Or it might have a stroke. Yeah, it might have a stroke. Why does it have a stroke? Okay, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. But let's have your character name for the show. That's Sheila. Yeah, yeah. That's Marmaduke. Okay. I'm Marmaduke. That's Marmaduke.

And what racist name are you guys going to give me? Jerome. I'm Uncle Bub. Okay. You can name yourself. And you name yourself. Jerome. Jerome. Okay, that's good. I'll take it, man. Fuck it. All right. All right, I'm Uncle Bub. That's Marmaduke, and that's Sheila. Hi, Jerome. Hey, Jerome. You want to have breakfast? You want to sit down and have breakfast with us? Well, shit, I don't know if I really want to have breakfast today. I've already- Let me stop you right there. Yeah.

I got a name like Jerome. I have to be. I like it. That's a great choice. It's a little too Steve Harvey for me. Stop the process. Hi, Jerome. What'd you have for breakfast? Well, shit. I already had me some grits before I came downstairs. I don't really know if I'm too hungry today. I made you some breakfast.

Wow, thank you. I appreciate that very much. But like I said before, I already had me some. It's grape-flavored Ozempic. Hey, Uncle Bub here. Kids, get your stuff. We can finally get out of these housing projects. We gotta go. Hold on, this communist bastard just offered me some fucking Ozempic. Don't call me communist. I'm from Cleveland. I think it's him. What's that? That's Sheila. Sheila? You don't see nothing?

Jerome, do you want blueberry waffles? Very good, Sheila. Very good. Very good, Sheila. I can't finish mine. How many did you make, Sheila? I made 10. You made 10 waffles. How many did you eat? One. All right. Nine for you. So do you want the- I'm going to make 30 more. All right. Marmaduke. I'm in a mood. You are. I'm in a real mood. I'm sorry. Well, listen, I want you kids to work this out when I go to work.

Okay, bye. Bye. Dad, say bye to dad.

Alright, pops, I'll see you later. Alright, pops. I love you the most, Jamal. You know that. Thank you, but my name's Jerome. Well, in this house, you're Jamal. You get your own house. You can call yourself whatever you want. Just me, Dad. Leave. I love you. We're gonna get ready for school. Bye, Dad. I love you. You motherfucker. And then when he leaves, I change to my real voice. There it is. I'm not going for none of that shit no more. Yeah? Well, I'm tired of using your fat as a blanket. Ha ha ha.

I'm tired of you peeing in mason jars and hiding in your bedroom it stinks up there you know what I love you fuck you and then the credits go down credits yeah yeah wow keep it continued call ABC yeah there's a show somewhere if we can get that but Sony call your friends at Sony there's a show somewhere Dave what's the deal are you on tour I'm getting ready to go on tour you are yes and I'm going I'm going it's gonna be the best tour ever who opens for you on tour

We're still setting all that shit up. But yeah, I'm going on tour April 12th. It begins. April 12th. Yeah. Inglewood. You start here in Inglewood, California? No, no. I started in Phoenix, I believe. Phoenix. There we go. Dallas. Wow. So could we come to it? Would we get comped or backstage, all that stuff? Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. You want to come to the Santa Ana show? Yeah, Santa Ana. We should do that in May. Yeah. Let's go to the Santa Ana show, dude. Hell yeah. That'll be fun. It's a consolation room.

Are you selling good tickets right now, huh? You're killing it. That shit's selling pretty good, yeah. They're coming because they want to see the crowd surf. Yeah, they want to see you crowd surf. Yeah, I announced that I'm going to be crowd surfing at one city on the tour. I don't know what city it is. It's just going to speak to me in the moment. I got to be honest with you. I don't know.

Why is he laughing? I'm not too sure what. I said that's funny. What's funny? Boy, I sure have some bad friends. Very good. Very good. That's the name of the show. I love you, dude. Signs right there. I do think I am curious to how the mechanics are going to work. Of what? On you surfing in a crowd. Yeah, man. I mean, shit. My fans are going to hold me up as I dive into the crowd.

And you're going to jump from the stage. Who are your fans? Triple H, The Rock. Bodybuilders. I mean, who's doing it? I hope that The Rock is a fan of me. Who's there? Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean, who's there, dude? Dave, let me be honest. Imagine a 12-year-old skinny kid. What the fuck?

It's kind of like when a mom can move a car. You know what I'm saying? Listen, my fans, I don't have bitch ass fans, bro. My fans are really strong minded and so I feel like that'll just transfer over to physical strength. Tell me this, have you ever crowd surfed before? No, no, hell no. Okay, but you are going to do it at one of these shows? Andrew. Yeah.

What is he? Okay. What is he saying? He's asking me to talk you out of doing that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. What the fuck? That's crazy. He said, talk him out of it. Nah. Nah. There's no talking me out of it. He's saying, please, dead serious, please talk him out of it. Someone's going to die. Someone's going to die is what he's saying. They can hear you in the mic now. Dave, you're going to pick a show to do this. You're going to crowd surf. You're going to jump from the stage. Yes. Yes, sir. Wow. Brave man. I mean, I don't want to crowd surf. I'm afraid I'd break a neck.

You don't want him to do it. What is he like? Why is he talking to you and not? I'll tell you why. Okay. Can I tell you why? Go ahead. My bud. My bud. I feel like I'm being the mean one. Yeah. And he's playing the nice guy. It's good cop, bad cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like the things I'm saying, I'm going to get fucking lynched for. Not lynched. Lynched. Wow. Okay. No, no, no. Crucifix.

Two days after Black History Month. Crucified. Crucified for it. Honestly, I swear to God that wasn't a thing. Interesting choice of words. Yeah, yeah. I swear to God that wasn't a thing. I swear to God. I swear to God, dude. Oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be crucified for and you're going to be the saint. Here's what it is. Yeah. You feel like society is going to move you to the back of the bus. What?

Better. Better than Lynch. That's better than Lynch. That's what I feel like, yeah, yeah. That was a good one, but it was better than Lynch. You feel like the whole country's going to see this, and they're going to sick dogs on you. Oops.

Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm saying. You feel like people are going to watch this show and go, Andrew seems to be getting along with Dave. Bobby, we should hit with a fucking fire hose. Yes. These are all things that have happened to black people. What? No.

Yeah, that's me. You know what? It's funny. It's funny. Bro, I'm not a soft ass bitch. I know you're not. And I'll tell you something, right? This is serious business. We're talking about serious business. Okay, let's get to the serious business. And what I'm saying to you is that, you know what I mean, the civil rights movement. What about it? What are you just saying to the civil rights? What about it? What I'm saying is that, you know what I mean, we fought hard and lost heart. Who is you? Who is we?

What were you doing during the summer? He was actually a Yellow Panther. He was around back then. Yellow Panther. Okay. Well, I did my own speech. Okay. You want to hear it? Hate speech? No. You want to hear my speech? Yeah, go ahead. I had a dreaming that white people own laundry.

I had my own speech that night. Okay, that night. What night? What specific night? The Civil Rights Movement was not just one night. The Dark Night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like he thinks it was just one singular night. Yeah, it was the Dark Night. Okay, oh yeah. Yeah, so I...

when Martin Luther had this great speech, I did my own speech. Okay. At a Chinese restaurant. Yeah. It was four people there. But you know what I mean? It was, it moved those four. Yeah. Yeah, it really did. Okay. Yeah. I'm telling you, he's, but we're, but we're, we're bonding worlds here.

do you prefer like let's see you and I we're in a war okay go ahead go ahead let's see you and I we're in a war okay we're in a war yeah yeah yeah um I'm fine wait before I can I just say something because you mentioned war yeah did you know that now they're not gonna allow transgender people in the military that's pretty crazy that's crazy how do you feel about it how do you feel well shit I don't really shit I'll go to war with any of these bitches what's that

That's my... I got it. Yeah, yeah. That's a pretty good... You guys like that one? That's a really good one. That's a really good use of the word. Yeah, that's a really good one. I've been... Yeah. I've got a... That lineup... I've been working on that joke for... Bitch-ass men. Yeah. I've wanted to use those three words so bad in conjunction. It's pretty good, man. I like saying those words, man. Say it again. I just got it, Andrew. Say it. And I want you to say it. Right? A sequel to a movie. And tell me the movie. That he needs to be in? Yeah. Yeah.

sequel to a movie that he needs to be in fences Wow Fences Wow fences. Yeah, you be that with an Oscar. What did anyone win an Oscar for that movie? Yes Driving Miss Daisy

Boy, I sure have some bad friends. I have a little dick. Okay, all right. Look at me, little guy. A big guy, whatever. You know what I mean? I have a little dick. I have malfunctions in my body, right? Malfunctions? Yeah, and I've had people tease me my whole life. Why are you talking about your body like it's a machine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been bullied. Okay, yeah. I've seen it. We have the same cause. Same cause? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean same cause? We're in the same group.

I don't think I want to be in that group. But you are. I don't think I'm in that group. I'm in a group. You remember when you used to, in casting directors, you'd be like, we're looking for white, Hispanic, and other. Right, you're other. We're other. Okay, I'll take that. He's saying, bonding you as minorities as well. Yeah, we're other, dude. I feel it, man. Minorities, for sure. And you're success.

And you're killing it? Thank you. What a resilient young man. Thank you. Against all odds, I'm doing it. Yeah, dude. Resilient. Oxygen tank on stage. You don't have one now. No, I'm doing pretty good right now, man. I'm on my health journey. I've put down the cup and I've picked up the water. So no more promethazine? I'm not going to say no more. There's a picture right there. Wait, hold on. Yeah. You literally have an oxygen tank on stage. Yeah, yeah. That was in front of 20,000 people.

My God. More than that, bro. Amazing. Yeah, at the United Center. Now, let's be real for a second. It's my hometown. Can I be real? Yep. Chirac, okay. Can we help you?

I don't think I need help with anything right now. I'll be real. Because I'll be real with you. This is going to say some bullshit. No, I'm not going to say any bullshit. I'm not going to say any bullshit. Go ahead. Because I was dear friends with Ralphie. Yes. And I never said anything. Rest in peace. I never said anything. Right. And I've always regretted that I didn't. It's like...

You know, when people have a drug addiction at the store, right? I always go up to them. If you ever want to go to a meeting, I'll take you. And I always do. Well, for your reference, I don't know if you know, Bobby is a... A recovering alcoholic. Yeah, I know that for sure. So what I'm saying is that, jokes aside, is there anything we can do? Because it's like, at the end of the day, we want you to get healthy here. And I'm working on that, you know? But what are you doing? What am I doing? I'm exercising, eating correctly. Okay, good. Drinking a lot of water. Good, good, good. You know, I recently got out of the hospital and that was like a...

wake up call for me of sorts. What happened? What happened that made you go to the hospital? A bunch of bullshit. But yeah, I'm doing good now. You're fine. You're fine. Did you have a serious incident that made you go to the hospital? Yeah. Yeah. But I'm chilling now. You know what I'm saying? I'm making the changes.

you know so what he's saying is we want Dave Blunt's around yeah we really really appreciate that I think you're very talented and very I think what you can do for me is you know just emotional support there you go you know a couple attaboys claps attaboys attaboy and uh yeah so are your parents still together

My mom, well, my dad passed away when I was young, but my mom, my mom, she's my everything. His dad died too. Yeah, I'm so sorry, brother. Rest in peace. Another thing you have in common. We have so much in common. We might be like... Blood hurt. Did we just become bad friends? Yeah, yeah, we did, yeah.

I want to do a movie called War Babies with you. War Babies, yeah. How could War Babies be testing? No, our father was black. Yeah. And he did a couple of wars in different places. And then we're offspring of that black man. I'd watch that movie. I feel like we could sell that. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you could. No.

Yeah, yeah, I don't think so. No, not to like Netflix. We could probably do a 2B release. I would love to see it. I think we could do a 2B release, you know, Plex, free movies and TV. I feel like it might end up on YouTube. It's going to be a YouTube film. Yeah. War Babies.

So you live in LA? Where do you live? I live in LA now. I recently moved here. Well, back in June, I moved here. You like it? Yeah. I didn't like it at first. Then I went back home to visit and I'm like, I have to fuck out of here and get back to LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I love it. This is my new home now. Good, dude. You're going to be touring from here. It's hard to tour from LA. There's two guys that tour from LA. It's tough, I will say. What do you mean it's hard?

Well, I mean, you're flying across the country and you're- Oh, no, I don't fly. Fuck all that. I'm going on a tour bus. Oh, right. Okay, so you- When's the last time you've flown? When I came here. When I came here. When I did to Chicago, like the fucking United Center, we drove there, bro. That was 30 hours. That was the worst mistake of my fucking life. That's a far drive. Yeah, bro. I was on a fucking- I'm not trying to be funny. Hold on. Can I finish for free? Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

So yeah, man, we drove there and it was in a Sprinter van. Why does he look like he can't like, are you good? Why did you like get away from the mic and like turn? I'm really listening. Okay. But no, you're not like you as you was turned away. I have slanty ears too. Okay. All right. I have to lead it this way. God, you're being racist. All right. I like that jacket by the way. But no, man. Yeah. It was in a fucking Sprinter van and that shit sucked. It was 30 hours nonstop driving. We didn't stop at all.

And the fucking seatbelt buckle was poking me in my ass. At least I hope it was a seatbelt buckle. Right. Never know with spinner vans. But now you're going to be on a tour bus. Yeah. We did the tour bus, him and I. Yeah, we did. And you can't poo.

I sort of heard you can't shit on the bus. Yeah, you can't shit. I've seen that in the show. Well, you physically can't. It's also an uncomfortable. It's the bathroom is small. The toilet's against the door. You can't do it. Yeah. You cannot do it. Mine's got a pretty big bathroom in it, though. Really? Yeah. Okay. Because ours did definitely not have a big bathroom. We had to put shit in the shower because we ran out of storage space.

But go ahead and ask the question. I don't want to. Go ahead. I can't. I can't. Why? The time passed and it's like, it's rude and I don't like it. What was it? I don't like it. I can't. It's the timing. You know, in comedy, there's timing. Yeah. Comedic time. Yeah. Yeah. It had to be there. I don't have the confidence to say it. I'm going to guess. Yeah. As a comedian. Okay, good. I'm going to guess that it's something to do with the flight. Oh, yeah. We can talk about that. Yeah. Let's talk about it. It wasn't going to be funny, but I was just curious about it.

When people see you get on the boat, do they get scared? I mean, imagine. My uncle in Germany, who's bigger than you, have to buy the whole aisle. The whole aisle? Like the aisle that people walk down. No, the row. The whole row. You get the row, right? No, two seats, though. Two seats. Not the row. Okay. Not the row. Not the row. Yeah, yeah. And they don't get scared, so that's good. I've answered my uncle. No.

- Do you have a girlfriend? - We recently just broke up. - Oh no. - You're free. - Yeah, you're free dude. - You broke up with her, right? - How did that happen? Yes. - You like the white stuff? - Kinda, it was like a mutual thing. - You like the white stuff? - What flavor? Yeah, what flavor do you like?

Man, come on, bro. What flavor? You like vanilla? Look at me, man. Look at me right now. French vanilla, I bet. Okay, it's not even necessarily white. That's just my track record is white. I'm attracted to all of them, but it's just like, I shoot for black, but I land at white. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're an LA now, guy? I don't really like LA women, man. I usually go outside of LA for the women. Like Chatsworth?

Chatsworth? What's that? You mean surrounding Los Angeles? You mean out of California as a whole? No, I usually be like flying bitches out type shit. You be flying bitches out. Oh, shit. That's the best way, dog. Yes, sir. Congratulations, player. We got to fly these bitches out. Yeah, you got to fly them out. And you putting them up first class? Nah. No. Coach, right? Coach, baby. Spirit flight. Spirit middle. And what if they... Because he likes to... He often... Sorry.

Sometimes Bobby has friends that fly out. Okay. But I'm curious to know, do they stay in a hotel or they stay at your house? They stay with me, man. What if they say, I want a hotel? Would you get them a hotel? Those ones I usually just go, I don't think it's going to work out. It's not going to work out? Yeah.

You know what? You know the signs. He knows the signs. Yeah. You know when they're using you? No, no, I don't. Now I, no, I don't. What do you mean? I don't know when they're using me. Oh, you don't know. It's hard for me to tell sometimes. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they do, yeah. So you've flown somebody out. Most of the time they do. You've flown somebody out. Yes. And you realize that they were using you. Yes. And that hurts. That hurts. It hurts because she was living with me, yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Oh, man. But that's happened, has it not happened to me? Mm-hmm.

It has? Damn. He's gone through that. And so do they ask for money and shit? Yeah. And they say, will you buy me shit?

Yeah, but these ones, man, these are like real trench bitches. Do you know what a trench bitch is? I can guess. Google trench bitch for me. I don't think you'll be able to find it. Something from like World War II will pop up. Oh, that's a song. Who sings that? Oh, Black Youngster. Black Youngster. Yeah. Black Youngster. Let's see photos of some trench bitches. Let me read the lyrics. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know this was a song. I put my life on the line. I'm going to break up with you. Don't do it white. Do it like they do it. Let's go. Maybe we should sing it together. Yeah.

I put my life on the line. I'm a break up with you, ho. It's over. You've been disrespectful. I hope crazy house come get you, ho. Pistol by the dresser because I'm sleeping by my pistol, ho. I don't tongue wrestle when you speaking on my bitches, ho. I can't put my bitch before my bro because my bro, that's my bro. But my bro, he got to know.

Then he can't disrespect my hoe. She ain't just no, wait, she ain't just no any hoe. She's something like my mind hoe. Even though she my side bitch, I buy her a range row, verb. Yeah.

Wow. That's really good. That was good. That was good. Yeah, that was really good. I like how you did the rover thing. Rover. Yeah. And he didn't even do that. I wrote that for you, Black Youngster. So reach out. Can I see a photo of a trench hop? Wait, hold on. Hold on. The next lyric literally says, trench bitch. Trench bitch. You don't give a fuck about rich bitch. I keep my... Oh, so you like a trench bitch. This means she is... She's from the trenches. She's from the streets. The trenches. Right. The trenches. Yeah. She's not used to luxury lifestyle and shit. Our generation calls them real ones. Right.

yeah yeah the real ones trench pitches yeah anyway well listen up Dave Blunt you gotta come back here you gotta come back we love you do you have any burning questions to ask us before we wrap up the show anything that you wanted to say

Well, I do want to ask, man, when we get in a new season, Dave? Oh, never. It's over. It's over? Seriously? It's over? Yeah. Like, bro, no. Like, come on. No, it's done. That was one of the things. That's one of the requirements when Hamas returned the Israeli high. All right, all right, all right.

Alright, alright, alright, what? That's a true story. No, no, no. When Hamas returned the hostages, they said, but no more date. No more date. And that was part of the deal. Is it seriously done? My night at night, no bullshit. No, it is done. That's my favorite show. I'm sorry. It's done, yeah. Damn, it kind of left on like a cliffhanger almost. Yeah, well, blame Hamas. Blame Hamas. That's who did it. How come you didn't give Bobby a role on the show? That's a really interesting... That's a really interesting question.

That I really never had the answer to. I mean, I can give you the answer. Go ahead. We really only worked with people that really kind of were, you know... What? Like legit actors. The show was filled with really good actors. Gator wasn't even... He had no roles before that. Yeah, no, that's right. I was being facetious. Now, you know, I had no control over the show. I wish I could have got Bob on the show, but he...

Dave doesn't like me. Dave doesn't like you. That's right. Seriously? Let's just move on. No, dude. Hollywood doesn't really work that way. It doesn't work that way. Well, I wish it did, but if it was my show, clearly, we're making our own shows together. But when you're on somebody else's show, you can't. You guys are having a show together? Yeah, we are. We have a Hulu animated show. We do, and we have a game. And we would love to have you in it. Hey, hell yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit. Yeah, let me know. I'm down. You'll play Jerome. Hell yeah. No, we'll make him like...

A pixie or something. What's the... Okay. What is the animated show about, if you guys want to share? We can't leak it yet. Okay, okay. But we'll get the video off there. I swear to God, we're going to use you. Dave's on tour. Go to, what is it, DaveBlunts.com? .co, .co. Some bastard took .com. We got to get that out. Oh, we got to get them. Yeah. DaveBlunts.co. Go to DaveBlunts.co. He's going to be down there in the Crescent Ballroom. Oh, Phoenix, love, dude. House of Blues, Cambridge, Chicago.

He's going to Texas there, a bunch of Texas dates, Atlanta, and New York, the Market Hotel in New York. Well, Dave, do me a big favor. We appreciate you being on the show. We end the show by you saying something that you really feel deep in your heart to Rudy Jules. If it's a truth you need to tell her or something very powerful. Give her a powerful message. To her? She's young. Yeah, she needs kind of a little bit of advice. How old is she? What are you, six? Six.

Yeah. No, she's 20 what? Two? 23. 23. Okay. Give her some life advice that you've learned. Life advice, you know, shit, you know, you're in your 20s. This is the time to fuck up and make all the mistakes. Do drugs, be in a relationship that's bad for you. You know what I'm saying? This is the time to do it now. Yeah. So when you're 30, like you've been through shit, you're like, all right, now it's time for me to...

you know, be a good person, citizen. Level out. So yeah. I want you to look in that camera right there and say, thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.