Bobby's Break Up Tips
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Let's complain to the guys in the booth about this. Or maybe go up on stage.

You know what I mean? Uh-huh. We have work ethic. You know, you don't. And stop complaining then. You know, it's your generation, dude. I mean, we're gritty, dude. We are very gritty. Yeah, we click, click, right? You know what that is? Click, click. What's that? My checking work. I'm checking in the work. Oh, okay.

At the factory. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you do that? Click, click, right? And then you go, hello, supervisor Monroe. They go, hello there. You know what I mean? Lineman. Look at this. What? What are you doing? What?

Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Oh, it sucks. You want to switch? No, no, no. I want to switch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what Andrew likes. Anyway, you click, click, click. It opens up his butt. Okay. I know. He has back aches. Oh, my God. He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy. He has a gay disc. He has a little gay disc in his back. He's a gay disc. They're dismantled.

What a crybaby, huh? He really is. What, did he hit his head on the toilet, remember? Yeah. Like a crybaby. How did he hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy, like, ooh, I'm redheaded, I get woozy. You know what I mean? He falls over. With a nerd swing. Ooh, this is so good. Wait, what's mine? The Vietnamese one. What's yours?

A white man's one. Mine is... Dude, dude. Oh, no. Because Andrew's not here, you're going to try... I like it. Yeah. What did he say? I can't do this today, man. I'm so tired. Oh, my God. It's raining. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What are you... Oh! Oh, my God. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Andrew's definitely not here. Andrew's not here. Oh, my God. So Andrew would be yelling at that? Does he not let... See, here's what's good about me and you doing the pod. I'll let you be you. I won't keep you in the cage. I know. Because when I do that, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it. He's a repressor, dude. Yes. Yeah, dude. And

I'm going to say this right now, dude. I've had enough of him setting the rules. It's all about him, dude. We're going to do it this time. You have to do it this or you're not doing it. You know what I mean? He gets mad. And he does it all while sitting on his seesaw. Yeah.

And he's like this on the seesaw. Yeah, like a seahorse. Yeah, he's like a seahorse. Yeah, seahorse seesaw. It's like a bike without a seat. Yeah, like. No, you don't shut up. All right, you shut up. I can't believe this is what he does. All right. You beg. I love when, now every time I see a clip of Andrew and he's like yelling or getting mad at being a tough guy, then he goes like this. Woo!

I know. He does. Right? Oh, but your back hurts, but you can play golf all day? Exactly. You know what I mean? What kind of golf are you playing, dude? Scumbag. Scumbag golf. You don't play golf, do you? No. I know why. Why? Because you're a man. Yes. You're a real man. I'm not going to do. I'm either. I've made a decision. I'm not going to do. Do what other people do. I'm not going to do the things that will advance my career. I'm not doing that. No, no, no, no, no, no. Get that back. Yeah. Say it again. You're not going to. I'm not going to play golf. Or what?

Bowl. Bowl. Or what? Pool. Pool. No, what we do, what do we do? What do we do? What do you and I do? Kiss on the lips at the bar. We also read Kierkegaard. Yes, we do. Kierkegaard. Here in Trembling. No, we do. Philosophical books. Hold on. We read Kierkegaard.

Yeah, watch Kurosawa films. Kurosawa films. Yeah, yeah. We meditate. We meditate, dude. Meditate. With our dicks out. Yes, we meditate a lot. We go for walks. Yeah. And take your pants down. Oh, you know what I did yesterday? What? My friend. I was in the green room before you got there, right? There was all guys in there. I just pulled my penis out. Good. Yeah, and everyone laughed.

Yeah. Yeah, like the old days. Yeah. Yeah. Kierkegaard comedy. They laugh. Dude, it's Kierkegaard comedy. Kierkegaard comedy. It's existential philosophical comedy, dude. You have to think about it and ponder, dude. People don't ponder anymore, Dostoevskys. No.

They don't ponder anymore, Disto. Let's ponder. I know, dude. What did you ponder about today? I was able to follow you last night. That's what I'm pondering, dude. I was scared. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're a Madison Square Garden comic now.

Allegedly. Allegedly, dude. Allegedly. We'll see what happens. Check your news feed. Yes. So great lineup last night. It really was. I like doing comedy here. You remember? Hi. You remember her? Ruby. Ruby. Ruby Tuesday. Rudy. Rudy. Ruby Cake. Ruby Cake. Oh, hello. Oh, she's putting makeup on?

Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. This is great. This is a special. Tiger Belly's going to do shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But for bad friends, look at her. I knew she was coming. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Welcome again. Wait, wait. What's the name? DeStefano. Yeah. Have you ever seen him online?

Sometimes. Yeah, you cops up? I see you the tubby wear. Oh, tubby wear. Yeah, what's that? I mispronounced the word tubby wear on my old podcast, Hey Babe with Sal Balcano, and that's the thing that went viral, not the jokes that I've written. I know. The things that go viral, you can't plan. And I have to do comedy shows, and people bring tubby wear, and I sign them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an accomplished comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just sign tubby wear like that. Yeah. What was the bit? I've never seen that. I just mispronounced the word tubby wear because I thought it was T-U-B-B-E-R. Oh.

- Oh, that's so funny. - Like a tub. - That's so good. - But it was Tup. - Yeah, yeah. - And I didn't know that. - Yeah, I don't wanna see it. - You know what happened was, is the gay community on TikTok, I swear to God, they started coming out to their parents

They started doing like all like, you know, like TikTok, you could take the audio. They started coming out to their parents with the Tupperware video. And that's what made it super viral. Oh, whoa. They would do that. They would come out like, I'm gay, I'm Tupperware. Gay, Tupperware. I don't get it. I don't know. Gay, Tupperware, I'm gay? What do you say? What is it? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. But this whole thing, and then it went viral. There were little buttholes and a little Tupperware. Your relationship with Sal Good?

Of course. But do you end it? Are you done with him? No. Well, we just stopped the pod. He was going back on tour and Practical Joker started again. I'm a gambler, so I'm addicted to losing. I like to lose it, get it back. Lose it, get it back. Lose it, get it back. I cancel the show, I put it back. Now you're back with Yawn.

Back with Yana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll stop and put it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so happy that you're back. No, Yana, shout out History Anus because that is, I finally found a place too for me to just be so wild on the Patreon there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just say what I want, do what I want. Yeah. You like to say wild things, huh? I like to say wild things, but I kept getting demonetized. Yeah. So now I don't. If you were at a zoo, let me ask you a question. You're at a zoo. You'd have fallen into a pit, okay? Animal pit, right? Okay. You have chimps. Would you rather fall into chimps

Hyenas. Or the third one is a good one. Joe Rogan zombie. Oh, I would say if I wanted to out of all them. Yeah, yeah. I would say Joe Rogan zombie. There's no way. No, yes. He would fucking eat your fucking face. And then do push-ups with your body. Because you know what I travel with. No, no, because I would know how to distract him. You know what I travel with? On it kettlebells.

Oh, yeah. You know those kettlebells? Yeah, that's good. That's company, the haunted kettlebells. Right, right. So I would take one of his haunted kettlebells. Right. It has like a gorilla head and I'd put it in the corner and he... Right, right. And I'd run the other way. That's a good one. Because the hyenas will eat you alive. That's what they like to do. They like to eat from the feet first. They'll eat you alive. Chimps will rip your head off. I'll tell you my logic with the hyenas though. Tell me. You want to hear my logic? You know about hyenas? Mm-hmm. Because... What do you know about them? They're...

Is that Merit Your Probre? Bible? Yeah, yeah. You know, he just converted. Do you know that? I just want to say something. Yeah, yeah. He wants to say, he has a message for you. I just want to say something. He has a message for you. During Jechumiah's reign, Nebuchadnezzar, this is N-U-B-U-C-H, Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon, attacked and Jechumiah became his vassal for three years. Then Jehomah turned and rebelled against him. The Lord loosed against him bands of Chaldeans, Armanes, Moabites, and Ammonites.

He unleashed them against Judah to destroy him. According to the Lord's words spoken through his servants, the prophets. Yeah. This befell Judah because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins Manasseh had committed in all that he did and especially because of the innocent blood. Because Manasseh and the Jammu Mammites were cousins. And then you know what happened? Johan. Johan had something to do with it. The rest of the acts of Jehukim...

But Jehu came, right, was he was like Judas at that time. Yes. Right. But then like Job. Right. Who's Jammaman? That's exactly. That's the mystery. And that's what we're all asking. And theologians. Right. Right. And religious people are always asking that question. The wicked have been corrupt since birth. Liars from the womb. They have gone astray. Their venom is like the venom of a snake, like that of a serpent chopping its ears. Whoa.

Let me read you my favorite. Yeah. I'll read you my favorite. I have my favorite too, dude. Oh, you want to go to go, dude? Here we go. You serpent. Oh, my favorite parable, dude. Feroa's broken arm. Okay. Yeah.

The seventh day of the first month in the 11th year. And I was 14 years old then. Really? By the way, a little side note. Oh. Okay, and that's when I lost my virginity. At 14? I was molested. Yes. Same thing. I have broken the arm of Feroa.

King of the Egypt. Why'd he do that? Let me finish that fuckface. God damn, dude. See. King of Egypt. See, dude. It has not been immobilized for healing, nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp a sword. And when they say sword, they mean dick. Yes. Back then. You know what I mean? The sword is a symbol of dick. Parable. It's a parable, dude. You know what I mean? And you can't grasp yours. You have to use two fingers.

Right? We grass. Yeah, we grass. Carlos has a little dick? No, no, no. This is fucking pork. Fancy? Yeah, yeah. Fancy pork. Yeah, but it's Spanish. It's okay if it's little. I know, but he droogs out with three fingers. Really? He does. Yeah, yeah. Like a penguin. Fully erect. Like a penguin hand? Yeah. And I don't know how you got your wife pregnant, but that's a mystery. With style. Are you having a baby? Oh, style.

You had a baby already? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just jammed the gummy, your gummy penis into their vag? Wow. So gross. How old is the baby? Two. Yeah. Okay, nice. Jules, would you read Chris DiStefano, our guest, a parable of your choosing, please? Yes, please. Thank you. Yeah. Go ahead. There you go. Jesus is among us all. Remember that. Yes. There it is. Usurpation of Athaliah. When Athaliah, the mother of Ajia...

Saw that her son was dead, she began to kill off the whole royal family of the house of Judah. I get very excited about that. That's fun. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, what did you learn from that parable, Jules?

That it's okay to kill your family. No, that's not what the parable was. Somebody killed a daughter, right? And then she killed the royal family. Not her family. It's okay to kill your rival. That's great. That's very... Is it okay? I think in certain instances, it's okay. So I can kill Ronny Chieng? Yes. Yes.

Okay, good. I thought you did already. No, no, no. So Jimmy O. Yang, Ronnie Chang, Dr. Ken. They're all my hit list. Margaret Cho. Who are your rivals that you're going to kill? Who am I going to kill? I'm going to kill... Schultz? No, no. I want to kill Schultz. I don't kill black people. Okay.

I would kill, um, I don't really have like a, like a rival who's like me. I mean, um, Hmm. Uh huh. I don't know. Who would I kill? Just because maybe I'd kill, um, um, I think kills are harsh. Let's, let's, let's, let's reframe. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's not funny. You added that part out. Um,

I don't like it. It's a play on words. I don't like it. Yeah, you don't like it. Right, right. So how about this, okay? You're in an elevator. Okay. You see people running to get in. It's closing. Okay. Sometimes you put your hand in. Right. Right, to stop it. Right. But who would you let it close? Who would I let it, whose face? Who would you close on? Right in front of their face. So what I would do, I'll just, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I would just do it for a laugh. Who would you do? Fortune Feimster. Ha, ha, ha.

All right. So you're an elevator now. Who would you? Who's running toward? They're sprinting towards me. I would let it close on Fahim Amwar. Why? Just because I saw him last night. That's it? Yeah. And I would just fucking yell something. Because he would. I'll tell you why. I would look at his eyes and I would say, never forget. Why? Why?

Oh, 9-11? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 9-11. I'm a hack. I'm a hack. No, I like it. Yeah. But I like it because I love him. Right. But so here's the thing. The reason I would do it to him is he wouldn't be – even when he's mad, he's not mad. No. He's too nice. And he was with a beautiful girl last night. Oh, my. Holy moly. Is that his girlfriend, I guess? It's a girl that he's seeing, yeah. She's beautiful. Holy moly. Holy moly. I hugged her so hard last night. Oh, my God.

I hugged her so hard. And I think he called me at one in the morning. I sort of got... And I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hug. Because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your mouth. No, we did a head... Like, here's what... We did a side hug. Yeah. But then her head hit my head. Yeah. And we touched heads like this, right? And I think our heads fucked. You fucked her head? Yeah, yeah. Because I did cum. Yeah, you did? Yeah, yeah. I did cum, right? So she went... I went...

Right? And then I saw his like, you know how Afghans get or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah. They get sand crazy. They do. They really do. They get sand crazy, dude. They do. Right, right, right, right. And they start thinking of crazy things. You know what I mean? Like taking a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting it on the side of the road, right? They get sand crazy, dude. Right? So what I'm saying- Do you think when he's fucking her, he has to take off his C4? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You think he does it with it? Yeah, you know, I envision him putting a mask, right? Having a pole, right? And then having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker. He's going, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God. You remember that movie? Yeah. The New Hope? Yeah. On Tatooine? Why are we attacking such a nice guy? He's a great guy. My point is that- And he's got a beautiful girlfriend. So we hit heads. I came, right? He called at one in the morning, right? And I didn't pick up because I knew that's what it was about. Right. Like, why'd you fuck my fucking girl's head? Maybe it wasn't about that. It couldn't have been. Should I call him? Call him. Call him up. What do you think? Should I call him? He's also a very handsome man. He's a handsome man. Wasn't he on SNL? He auditioned or I don't know. He should do it. Bye.

But he's not only should do it, he's the best writer on the West Coast. One of the funniest comics ever, too. Yeah, yeah. So, right. Fahim at 1211, he called. What do you want to talk about? I don't know. I didn't pick up. You know, you actually don't pick up a lot. I never pick up. I love it. And I also have something to talk to you about, too, after the phone call. Okay, good. All right.

Your call has been forwarded. What is the thing that you want to talk to me about? There was an episode you guys did two weeks ago, three weeks ago when the fires were happening and then you checked in on each person. No, wait, stop, stop, stop. Wait, wait, wait. Please don't. You want to do it? Yeah, I do. Because I want to say to people right now, I have empathy for you.

for the people that lost their homes. - You're letting me stay in your house. - I'm letting you stay at my house because of the fire. - Right. - Because Kalilah's house was in Altadena and they still can't get there. - Right. - So the dogs and you can stay at my house forever. - Right. - Okay. - So Kalilah's house was set on fire.

It got saved, but they can't go into the area. Got it. Okay. Because of the lead. What? Because of looters? Carlos, what? I'm just asking. No, but that's because of looters, man. Okay, I'm asking why you can't go back, dude. Because of the fucking chemicals and stuff that's in the air, man. Oh, okay.

I'm talking about chemicals, man. Yeah. Anyway, so then what happened? So I was – I texted – I texted – You're in New York. And I'm in New York and I hear this episode. Everyone – Andrew and Bobby are going to the people who reached out to them. And I reached out to Andrew and I have proof of that text. And I reached out to Bobby and I have proof of that text.

On Friday, January 10th. And I said that you didn't. The day after the fires, you said I didn't. I said, hey, babe, how are you checking in on fires? I love you, is what I said to him. And then two hours later, he sent me back the text that said, not great, followed by this picture of an Asian man burning himself alive.

in a protest in Vietnam and that's what I was sent and then I wrote I love you and then he said love you too bro you know what just have for you to read another passage one more one more god damn dude one more and that's it you gotta get back on track I like reading the New Testament yeah yeah okay let me say you parable 58 cry out full throated and unsparingly oh that's enough lift up your voice that's enough I already know lift up your voice like a trumpet blast whoa I know what trumpet means proclaim to my people their transgression to the house of Jacob their sins ooh

Like a nation that has done what is just and not abandoned the judgment of their God. They ask of me just judgments they desire to draw near God. Why do we fast? But yet you do not see it. Why do we fast? Afflict ourselves, but you take no note. See on your fast, you carry out your own pursuits and drive all your labors forward.

See, you fast only to quarrel and fight and to strike with a wicked fist. Do not fast as you do today to make your voice heard on high. Is this the manner of fasting I would choose? What does that mean? They don't eat. They had Ozempic back then. That's the thing. They used intermittent fasting. Was there a Karen Carpenter back in the day? What is? A Karen Carpenter back in that time. Who's Karen Carpenter? You don't know Karen Carpenter? I know Sabrina Carpenter. I went to her concert. Am I saying Karen Carpenter wrong?

No, you're saying it correct. Yeah, yeah. How do you not know who Karen Carpenter is? Look, because I only know Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, yeah. I went to her concert. Out of the Carpenters? Yeah. Sabrina Carpenter. I went to her concert with my family, and my family left, and I stayed. There was a band called the Carpenters.

And she was a drummer and a singer. And Jesus' father was a carpenter. Yeah, and she died from bulimia. From bulimia? Yeah, and I was trying to make a little, try to riff on something and you didn't know. So now it's kind of, it was a dead end. I'm sorry, hold on. You like Sabrina Carpenter? I love Sabrina. Ben, Kim, I don't know...

Friends. Friends. I think I'll say it all fair. I think we have a friend who I think did a little with her. No, really? I know a guy who did a little with her. We know a lot of guys. Here's a little secret, everyone listening, okay? Tell us. We've had people on this show, right? Yeah.

Unknown comics almost, right? People that are like, really? Right? That have hooked up with super famous celebrities that we can never announce here. Jeff Dye, Jeff Dye. Like crazy things. Adam Ray, Jeff Dye. It's close. But like crazy things like that. But if I said it now, it would cause so much ruckus and chaos. Yeah. And I've never hooked up with an A-list celebrity actress.

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Is a hermaphrodite somebody that was born with both genitals? With both genitals. Are they combined? They can be. There's a whole array of hermaphrodites. Now, which kind would you want to be? So I'd want to be... I want to be combined. Combined? I want to be combined. I want to be mostly pussy with a little dick on the side. Yeah, yeah. I want to be pussy and the clit be my dick. You know what I want to be? Yeah, so I can get two in one. I want to have a full pussy and just balls. No penis. No penis.

Oh, really? Really? Or I want to have the penis, right? And have the fucking whole of the penis be a pussy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great. So only like, you know, like little rodents and things that can fuck it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're saying, like, you have a full penis, but just the end is a pussy. Yeah, it's shaped like a pussy. It's not the hole that we have, right? It has the actual, like, labia and the clit, but it's miniature. Well, what if you have a penis and both... So Fraggles, like a Fraggle from Fraggle Rock can come back and go, eh! You know what I mean? What if you have a full penis, but then both balls are just two pussies? Oh!

Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But are the balls big? Yeah. Okay, because I want regular size badges on the balls. Right, right. And then, right, what you could do is if Brittany and...

What's her name? Abby and Brittany, the twins were lesbians. Yes. That's it. Two for one. Or two for two. Two for two. Yeah, yeah. I was a physical therapist. What are we talking about? Well, I'm bringing it up because I was a physical therapist and there was a hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours, but my boss didn't tell me. It was my second week on the job. Wow.

So he knew, you know, we're not working in the hospital or whatever. And this person who was hermaphrodite came in, they needed a total knee replacement. So I just thought it was a regular patient. It was like, just like a regular guy, you know, whatever. And he had, he had total knee replacement. So my boss was like, you know, I want you to do a, I want you to do a pelvic exam as well.

Is it a true story? It's a true story. Oh, my God. And I said, what do you mean? And they're like standing in the back like this, like holding in laughter because even the guy was in on it, the actual patient. And I said, oh, pelvic exam, but he has total knee replacement. What did he look like, this guy? He looked like a normal guy. Like Adrian Brody? Yeah. Okay, good. I want him to look like Adrian Brody for some reason. He looked like if you combined Carlos and Fancy. Not Adrian Brody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The opposite. Yeah. Okay. He looked like if you had, if it had Carlos's penis and fancy's pussy. Yeah. So, so, so we go, so we go, I said pelvic exam. Okay. And, and I, so I go, you know, doing like my little pelvic exam above the robe. And then my boss says, no, you need to disrobe. He's given permission. And I said, oh, okay, sir. And is it a good, is it a trick?

No. It's real. No. I love it. So I get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam, lay them down, and it's like a very medical procedure or whatever. Yeah. And I'm going to do it, and I pull down. And I go, oh, my God. Because you pull down, and you see a penis. You see the penis. I see the top of the penis. And then right off to the side, this guy had just a huge pussy coming off his thigh. There's no way. I swear to God. You swear to God? A huge pussy. It doesn't work. Why would you go, oh, my God, then? Because you don't expect to see a pussy on the inside of a guy's thigh. You know what it's like?

You know, it's in the movie Temple of Doom. Yes. Right? When Kate Capshaw, right, is getting that soup. Yes. And she's really hungry. Yeah. And she's about to eat it. Yeah. And then the eyeball flips the surface. That's what I'm going to equate it to. Yeah, yeah. Holy smoke, Dr. John.

So I saw it and then they these guys are fucking dying laughing because you laughing yeah, well then I start to laugh Yeah, I was like what you couldn't do that today. That's it today trying to do that as like a goof where it's you just prank her hermaphrodite Yeah, that's a new show on true TV. So if I honestly be honest with me with your heart with your heart literally Yeah, right Honestly did if I was a hermaphrodite Okay

And I showed you my vag. Yeah. Okay. And it was like, I'm talking about like, you know, you know, like,

Kate Mott, you know, like I'm talking about like, you know what I mean? Just the perfect. Perfect person. Yeah, yeah. Rebel Wilson. Rebel Wilson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like her. Exactly. I do. She's in Cats, right? She's hot. Yes. That lady in Cats. Yes. I like her. Her vat. Like beefy. Rebel, like that. Yeah, but beefy. Yeah. She looks like a nice, tight beef. That's what I was thinking because she looks like she has the kind of vagina. We shouldn't talk like that about women. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't. We respect all women and Jules, we apologize, right? Yes.

But let's just, it's a very good one. Yes. And I looked at you and I went, you wanna? You would? Be honest. So you're saying you have a working vagina as a hermaphrodite. Yeah. You're you, you're fully you just with a vagina. Well, I could like half my face. Yeah. You know what I mean? Put makeup. Yeah. Yeah. I would do it. I would do it. Because you know why? You're hairless.

That's what I like. If you were a more hairy guy, I would say no, but I would fuck you. I would fuck you because you have no hair. That's what I like about you. You're very, very, very hairless. I wish I could say the same for you. I don't have hair. No. I wouldn't do it with you. I have hair on my legs. You're too manly. You have all the chin. You have the fucking, you know what I mean? You look just too manly to me. Do you think I'm handsome? You look like a Greek god because of your nose.

What does Andrew Santino handsome? Am I more handsome than Andrew Santino? Yes. Yes. Dude, it's not even a... Dude, that's not even a debate. You know what I mean? So then I should get the show. Yeah, he's like... Oh, yeah. Andrew's handsome at the top of the red...

Right. Spectrum. Right. Right. Right. But if you take him out. He's not handsome for a guy with special needs. Just a white spectrum. Right. It's like special needs. Right. Right. Right. Right. But red. Yeah. He's top of the line. Top of the line. Yeah. The top redhead. And for little mythological Asian dudes, I feel like I'm the top of the line. You really are. Yeah. Yeah. You realize there's you. Yeah. There's Jackie. Frodo Baggins. You, Jackie, and Frodo Baggins. Yeah. Yeah. The panda in the Central Park Zoo. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I think amongst them in a lineup, I probably be like, you know that thing where they pop the balloons? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't think the pandas would pop my balloon. No. Their balloons. No, you're very handsome and you're also very confident. Jasmine, my girl, very cute. She loves you. She loves you. I was kind of juicing her up that night at the Hulu party. She loves you. Yeah. I think juicing was the right word to use. This is a pattern with you because you tried to fuck Jasmine's head too.

- I did a head thing. - You did a head thing. - That's what he does. That's how he marks his territory. - Yeah, thank you. - That's how he marks his territory. Because I kissed her on the head goodnight and it smelled like kimchi. - Yeah, you're good, dude. Yeah, she's, you know what, here's, can I be honest with you? That's what I'm looking for. - She's beautiful, right? - That's what I'm looking for. Someone that can, here's FY for people out there, okay? That wanna- - For women who wanna maybe date you.

Maybe I'm going to be able to be my life partner. Yeah. Okay. Respect that. It's one thing to be...

beautiful, cultured. She is beautiful. I don't know. She's like my daughter. It's like looking at my dogs or whatever. There it is. But I love you. I love all my animals. But my point is this. I'm sorry. That's so rude. I apologize. I love you. But what I'm saying is that beauty, right? It's culture, right? But they need to adapt to every social situation.

I feel like your wife can adapt to social situations. Am I correct or not about that? You're correct about her. What I love about her after being with her for 10 years, what I love about her is she is very loyal and she knows bullshit right away. And she knows what people to say, hey, no more with this guy. There's something I don't like about him. And she's right. She's right because she grew up in the hood. What if she said that about me? No, but she knew. I know, but what if she did? Then you're right.

Then you would start fucking with me? Yeah. Then I would start fucking with you. Okay. That's what I would do. Okay. I would bring back the Asian hate. Oh, yeah. Yeah. From three years ago. Okay, good. Now I listen because you know we're engaged now. You know that. Oh, bravo. Congratulations. Will you have a wedding? Yes, we're going to have a wedding. Can I go? Yes, 100%. We got engaged on January 6th.

I swear to God. You did? I swear to God. Well, that's a great day. Great holiday. We got engaged on January 6th and then we were going to get married on 9-11, but I'm doing the show. Okay. But we might just get married at the show. Okay. And so we got engaged because I said, you know what? How long am I going to keep not committing? How long am I going to keep doing this? We have children with her. We have children. And my daughter, you know, the first thing my daughter said when we got engaged, she said, finally, daddy, we're going to be a real family. Oh, did you cry? Cried. 100% cried.

I don't see you crying. I had to cry on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I cry. That was something that brought tears. The only times I've cried in the last year, I swear to God, is that moment and when I rewatched Little Giants from 1994. Ha, ha, ha.

That gets me. Yeah. You ever seen Little Giants? No. The annexation of Puerto Rico. That's what I call my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you really cry during that movie? I swear to God, I really did. I really, really cried. But I cried when my daughter said that and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made.

over the course of my last 10 years of like, why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier? What was I afraid of? Because what I've done is I've committed to two people, Jasmine and this guy right here. Have you tried eating the body of Christ already? Yes. Oh, he's eaten so many bodies. 100%. You know why I do it? Because I follow a strict keto diet.

He's high protein. Yeah. I ate his body. But yeah, I eat the body of Christ, the blood of Christ. I drink the blood. What is the body? Is it bread? I've never been to one of those things. It's the Holy Eucharist. It's a wafer that's been blessed by the priest and it is the body of Christ. It's a little wafer and it's only about five calories according to my fitness pal.

So it will not break a fast. And then I have my, and then you drink the blood of Christ, which is wine, which is just Sutter Home wine from the liquor store. Yeah, it's so interesting. Wow, wow. It's interesting that I've never been to a church like that. I want you to come to church. Will you come to our wedding at the church? Yeah, I mean, I'll go to the wedding, but I've never, no, I've been to weddings in a church, but I've never been to like a Catholic church where they have the whole, you know, the bread and stuff. I'm going to call Jazz and see if you can come. Okay.

see okay yeah i don't think so yeah i don't think so let me see that was bullshit yeah yeah hold on let's see she doesn't i think she literally looks at my call yeah she knows that like when i'm on the road i'm very lonely and i need her and she looks at the call and hangs up yeah really yeah because i think you know what it is because she's an old school woman she thinks it's weak if i say i'm lonely and i'm depressed why don't you snap the fuck out of it and try to sell out your shows yeah because we need that money and then and i need a new tip

Why haven't you... Are you... Is the acting thing not a thing you're going to do? I've... You're very... I mean, let's get down to the business at hand. Let's get down to the business's hand and look at this guy. He's going to sell out Madison Square Garden. Let's be honest. Allegedly. No, you're going to. Okay. Keep watching. It's September, you know, and I'm going to do the show. I'm going to try to do the show. There'll be an announcement coming soon. Yeah, yeah. You're...

Now a talk show guy. I mean, you're on the talk show circuit. Yeah. You just did Kimmel. No, we did Kimmel. And then and then I got Edward Norton was on on YouTube. He got 500000 views. Anthony Mackie on the week before he got 250000 views. I was on 18000 views.

That's pretty good, though, comparatively speaking. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Go on, keep going. All right, and so, and can you act is the question. Yes, I can. I work at it. Yeah, yeah. I've went on, I've kept track. I've went on 103 auditions in 2016. And I've gotten one. Can we chat GBT a script before me? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I think we should do a three-way, you know what I mean, a scene between us three. I'd like to test your, you know what I mean, your chops here. I'm putting my product out there, Bobby, on a daily basis, and the people are saying no. That's what's happened. Okay, can I say this too? And I want to say this. I'm thankful and fortunate for what I do have, but people are saying no. Hey, Guy. Guy, Guy! Guy, Guy. Let me tell you something, Guy. There's a disconnect between this and that.

between what we do in our ecosystem and Hollywood. Do you understand what I'm saying? There still isn't, you know what I mean, a complete direct line is what I'm saying. They think that what we, they don't understand what we do. And we don't quite understand what they do. But we want to do what they do and they want to do what we do. Why don't we do it together? You know what I mean? But they won't let it. You know what I mean? That's why you're in. That's why, no, I'm not. I've done some stuff. I'm not fully in though. You're like in, but you're there because you do their laundry.

Oh, you did a more Asian analogy. No. Old West. Yes. It's the old West. Oh, I know what it is. Let's say you're a cowboy. Yes. Right? And I'm a Chinese laundromat guy in Deadwood. Right? You come in. Hey, man. Hey, Chang. You know what I mean? Wash these trousers.

Okay, Mr. Okay, Mr. John. Right? And you go, deliver to my house. Right? Okay, Mr. John. Right? Right. And I get through the laundry and I go in and you invite me in for a second. Right. Come on in here, Chang. And I go in. That's the only time you're allowed in that house. Right. Is that a good analogy? That's a good analogy. And then you come in and we tie up your feet because we like- Okay.

What else happens? The tie of the Asian feet. Down the stairs in the basement? Yeah, yeah. And I go, what's going on here, Michel? I can wash your trousers. Yeah.

It's on the house. Please don't do this to me. And then what do you say? Then I tie you up. I said, I'm going to tie up your feet. Yeah. Why are you doing this to me? Mr. Joe. Mr. Joe. Why are you doing this to me, Mr. Joe? I'm going to put a little soy sauce on your feet. Why? I'm not tumbling. Yeah, you are. I'm not tumbling, Mr. Joe. You don't believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus.

I'm Buddhist. I'm Buddhist, Mr. Jones. I'm going to eat your feet. No, please don't. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. Yeah. And then the next time you go to the fucking place, I'm just like wobbling around. Yeah. And you're going to still go wash my trousers. Yes.

Right? That's it. That guy. And I'm walking on nubs. Oh, my God. Here's the scene. It's just the laundry run. A small, dusty laundry shop in a typical old West town. Clothes are hanging on a line outside. And there's the faint sound of a creek in the background. Inside, the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air. The three men, Jed, Billy, and Cole, stand by a counter, leaning on it with various laundry items in hand. All right. So what am I playing?

So you'll be... Just throw it out. I guess you're... He's Jed. I'll be Jed. You're Jed and I'm Billy. You're Billy? Yeah. And you're Cole. Okay. Man. We have to do an accent? No, it's whatever. Your choice, dude. You're the actor. Man, I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like this. We went out again? For my laundry to get done. Ain't no cowboy got time for laundry. You ain't wrong, Jed.

But I reckon it's better than wearing these stinkers another day. I ain't been washed clean in a month. My old lady would have had a fit if she saw me like this. You boys are lucky.

I don't have anyone to complain about me looking like a tumbleweed. My boots smell worse than a rattler's dance. I ain't bothering with no laundry. Ah, you got a good point, Cole. Ain't much to do when you're all alone all the time. I reckon you can smell as bad as you please out there in the wild.

But come into town and folks start looking at you like y'all been rolling in cow dung. I reckon it's the dust. It gets in your pores. Makes you smell like you've been sleeping in the middle of a sandstorm like Fahim. I mean, I can't even tell if my shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all day. Oh.

You okay, Cole? You coughing, Cole? I say it's a little bit of both. You boys ain't much different, but this laundry place...

Hell, it's like little slice of civilization. Clean sheets, hot water, and the smell of lavender. You sound like a lady, Cole. Lavender. What happened to riding hard and living free? Living free don't mean you gotta stand like a horse backside, but I do like me some clean socks and underwear. Ain't too proud to admit it. You know...

We might ought to be careful what we say. The way this laundry lady looks at us, I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in in our conversation. You've seen her eyes. They got like that look like she knows everything. Even things you ain't said out loud. Oh, yeah, I swear. Every time I come in here, it feels like she's going to read my soul. I ain't sure how she managed to fold the laundry so perfectly.

Like she's working magic. That ain't magic. That's skill. You don't survive out here without knowing how to take care of business. Maybe she's been in these fires longer than we think. See, that's what I like about the West. Everyone's got a story they ain't telling, but they all know how to make things work. I feel like we're... That's the truth.

Well, fellas, I reckon it's time to get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them ourselves. Don't want no part of the kind of work. Let's get him before she puts a spell on us, boys. We may be cool. All right, let's go. Yeah, we got this from the Theo Vaughn and Spade movie. That's it. That's a funny callback. I like that.

- She was very good commitment. - Very great. - You grasp onto the Southern accent. That was really good. - I followed you guys. - You followed, yeah. And guy Chris, you can act, God damn it. - Thank you. - Yeah. And one day- - This shirt's designed to be inside out, by the way. - I never questioned it. - No, because I just want, I know the fans might start talking shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's designed this way. Yeah. So just FYI. And you know, what I appreciated about it is that you haven't done one Asian accent since you've been on the show. No. Yeah, because why? Because I- When you do it, you get some heat online? I got some heat online. And like I said before, I said this a couple of episodes, I came on here and I apologized because I got yelled at for some Asian accents I was doing. And I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology. Yeah. And I ended it with, I'm a Saudi. Yeah.

I know. And then people got mad at me. At that too. And then people got mad. And they're going to be mad at that, you think? They're going to be mad at that. Yeah. And then, so I just want to say, look into the camera this time and mean, I really am actually sorry for saying that. Yeah, but he- And I'm sorry. It hurts me. But we're, you know, I'm a Quinn of you.

I have rubber I know I know it's a tension I know when white people when you have this you gotta stretch it out farther cause it relieves the brain you gotta get to the temple you know what helps sometimes when I have my therapist said to do this the tension you pull it back and you go like this and that releases the pressure laughing

Yeah, yeah. I do that too. I do it too and it feels so good. Your headache goes away. White people, I'm telling you, no matter where you are, you know what I mean? When you're in Taekwondo class or wherever you might be at your local Chinese restaurant, if you have a headache, right there, you just, oh, yeah. That guy has a headache. That's not Mickey Rooney. That's a guy with a headache. Last week, my daughter was asking me for help with her math homework and I said, honey, I don't know the answer to that. I'm like this.

Just to really rush. And then the answer just came to me. And then I just said, there's a British man. Yeah. Yeah. Now, let me ask you, you're Asian, right, Jules? Well, you see white people behave like that. How do you feel? Well, if I don't know them, then it's annoying. That's the thing. There we go. That's what we're talking about here. It's about we know each other.

I make fun of white people's penises. I make fun of their dumbness. You know what I mean? Some of their cultural misgivings. And I think if I know somebody, I feel like anything's,

at play here. I've made a decision in my life and this has freed me from a lot of stuff online is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you or I've met you. Like if you told me, Chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you. But a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad, I don't let it affect me either way. Only people that I personally know and I've met in the physical space because my brains are not equipped. I can't, I can't,

process praise or hate from Nebraska. Yeah. I can't process it. Well, we have a friend in, I don't want to say his name, but we have a friend that was working through that. He called me a couple of months ago, paranoid. Right. About a bunch of stuff online he was reading. He was super depressed. Right. And I told this person, I said,

don't read it. Yeah. You just don't read it. Yeah. I don't read anything. No. Yeah. No. People go, oh, we'll read it. I don't even know. I've never been on it. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. And that's how you have to live. Because if I did read it,

I think it would affect me. And you know what? And you know what? Our friend, our mutual friend who- I want to say his name so bad. When we talked to him about it- I want to say his name. Say his name and then put it at patreon.com slash bad friends. No, we said, he said, and this is very accurate of him. He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate.

You hate yourself. And so you're looking for it to be justified by the comments. You want to say, oh, Chris sucks. You're looking for it because you think you suck. But if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it. So I think you at times, Bobby, you know, I need therapy, you need this, you need that, but you're much more positive place than you think. No, I think I am. I think that. I think I am. I've been doing things that, let's be serious for a second. We're doing a lot of like, you know, this and a lot of crazy sand stuff, you know what I mean? All that stuff.

But what I want to say is that there's another thing that I do is I –

I was at the Chicago Improv. And I was at the Schomburg Improv. I was in the green room. And a waitress came. You know, every green room, the club waitress, they take care of you. That's the head waitress? The head waitress. She's like, I'm going to be your waitress all weekend, whatever you need, just let me know. I want some tips. And so she goes, this is so-and-so, and she's interning. And she seemed shy, but also she kind of looked me weird. She was like, she kind of looked at me like this. And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room and go, oh yeah, she doesn't like me.

And they go, what? I go, I can tell. And then- But do you think it's because, were you making it up or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out? No, I didn't. That wasn't when I did that. Yeah, I would never do that. Okay.

All right. I would never do that. I would respect her too much. Okay. And that wouldn't be good. And by the way, I just want to make it clear, even if it looks like I did on camera before, I didn't pull out any of my penis. I know you don't. It was my thigh. Exactly. It was your thigh. I know. Exactly. All right. So let's get that out and clear. Yeah. But then two days later, she came up to me. She goes, hey, I just want, you know, I'm just like, I have a bad friends t-shirt. I'm a huge fan. Oh.

So in my mind, I was like, oh, I make assumptions about people that aren't true. And it's because growing up, I don't have to read my parents.

Because my parents were snapper heads. Is that like a slur? Damn snapper heads. Take it up all. No, for Koreans from San Diego. No, no, no. They were physically violent. Towards you. Yeah, yeah. And they would just, you know, and so every day was reading the situation and to protect myself. Right. Right. To like, for danger. And I do that every,

out in the wild, you know what I mean? And I'm tired of doing it because it's like, it's usually not true. You know what I mean? And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me. And when people like me, I feel uncomfortable, which I want to change that narrative as well. Here's the good thing to know is that most people don't care at all. They don't care. That's the thing. They don't think about it. You know what it is with Zoom. You know what it is. You make an asset of you and me. You know that. I know that. That's a really good... I like those little... Yeah, yeah.

I like those little- Just one more. Here's another one. A little tidbit. Here's another one. Here's another parable, and this one's for you, Don. Their wives are foolish and their children wicked. Accursed their brood, but the children of adulterers- Don, how come you never sit down? Come sit down for a second. Come sit down. Will remain without issue. Yeah, yeah. You never come in. And the progeny of an unlawful bed will disappear. For should they attain long life, they will be held at no esteem. Should they die abruptly, they will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny. For dire is the end of the wicked generation. Yeah.

Yeah. Don, did you listen? That was for you. Oh, yeah. That was really good. What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, there was a little advice I was telling him yesterday. You want me to say it? Tell him. Tell him. No. I didn't say it. No. Then why'd you just do that? Because I was practicing. Oh, yeah. You were practicing. That was very good, though. Very good learner. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Chris. Yes. I'll just tell you. Tell him. I can tell him.

Tell them. But it has nothing to do with it. Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what I'm saying is that, you know, when you're in a relationship, right? And I was telling a bunch of comics that's in the room, right? And you want to get out of the relationship, I can never end it. Right. All right?

Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out. Right. Right? So you can force a window to open. Right. By doing some of my techniques. You can force a window to be open. Yeah, yeah. The problem is for me with that where I don't have, my house isn't the best right now and I have air conditioners in the window. It's an analogy. So I'm going to open the window. It's an analogy. I don't have central air. It's an analogy. Okay, but I have central air. Yeah.

I could hurt somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to do that. Yeah. Okay. It was just an analogy. Or door to open. Whatever. Yeah, yeah. Okay. An opportunity. An opportunity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And that's where you have to get out. Right. Okay. So what it is, when you do the little techniques, and one of the techniques I was telling people was you want her to break up with you. Subtle thing. The coward way. That's the coward's way, right? The coward way. So you do subtle things. And one of my techniques is you forget their name for a split second every time and you use a snap. Okay.

So you go, hey, Kathy. Right? Yeah. Hey, what are we going to eat tonight, Kathy? Right? You do that. Smart. 30 times. It seeps into their subconscious and they don't know what's bothering them. They don't know what that's bothering them, right? Yeah. And that's where the windows will open. Another one. I have several of them. Smart. What? Very smart, right? That's actually very smart. Tell them another one. Another one. Which one?

I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before. Let's hear it though. I haven't heard it. Okay, you haven't heard it. Right.

Remember this, sometimes you can say things that you've said on a podcast before, previously, because guess what? As Marcus Aurelius said, you never step in the same river twice because the river's always flowing. It's always new water. So when you step in it, it's a different light, a different experience. Oh, so you can say the same thing. This is a different river. You never step in the same river twice. Yeah, yeah. So all you have to do this is five times. Okay? So snapping 30 times, this five times. Okay? When you orgasm,

You don't make a noise. You look directly into their eyes. They have to be looking at you, right? And you orgasm with your face. It's hard for me to... I'm never looking in when I come. I know, but this is what you need to do. I'm always facing this way. I know. In order for you to do this exercise, you have to be doing missionary. So I have to have a mirror. This is what you do, right? You look in their eyes and you go like this. You go...

Like that, right? If you do that five times subconsciously, right, they will break up with you. Yeah, it's terrifying. Third thing. Yeah, third thing, right? This is a basic one. You gave them the same present twice. That's huge. It's a good one. That's a good one. Right. Because they usually say, it's just the thought that counts. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care, right? Here's two oven mitts, bitch. LAUGHTER

You know what I mean? Yeah. Right handed a left one for Christmas. One for Christmas, the other Christmas. That's smart. Right? Very smart. Those little tints, dude, the window will open, my friend. You know what? That's funny. Yeah, yeah. Because I had a friend, he was dating a girl for five years. Yes. They were going to get engaged. And then on her birthday one year, he gave her a card with a hundred dollar bill in it.

That's the gift. Great. She broke up with him. That's great. Brilliant. Right. She broke up with him because she wanted an engagement ring and he gave her a hundred bucks cash. Yeah. Yeah. I did this once and she didn't break up with me. Sarah Hyland. She didn't even defend. She didn't even back it up. The actress Sarah Hyland? No, there's a different Sarah Hyland. All right. The comedian Sarah Hyland. Right. So Sarah, we were dating for a couple of years. The first year she gave me a vintage ring.

painting from a store, like a vintage. She likes going shopping at like antique stores and vintage, you know. And then I gave it to her. The next year. You re-gifted it. I re-gifted it to her. Smart. Forgetting that she gave it to me. Right. And it was super embarrassing, but she still didn't break up with me. Right. But she really loved you. Yeah, she really did love me. What about getting back with her? What about calling her? She's married now to my friend, Jen.

Oh, she's a lesbo. She's bi, sexual. And she's a very funny comic and I love her and she's family to me. But, you know- I think if you're going to be a bisexual woman, you're a very good guy. Because you're neutral. You know what I mean? I've had a couple of situations where lesbians have gone, dated me for a couple of years. Yes. Everyone around them have been women. So I've never really questioned that about myself. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What do you think of that? Because it is, because you're very interesting. Don, what do you think of that? Well, you've got, you've soft skin, and I think that that, it's like a,

it's smooth, so it's an easy transition. I can look at you from across the room and go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen you look at me like that from across the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. I can see it. I go, yeah. Interesting. His skin is made of seaweed. Let's come up with another one of these window opportunities together so I can write a book. What you've done is... Yeah, yeah. Well, you have really, really good ones so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best one was the...

- Snapping? - Snapping and forgetting the name. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gotta be a split second though, everyone knows that. If you live too much of a thing, then it's noticeable. And that's why I think the snapping is very important. - You know what's another good one too? - Yeah, let me write it down. - You could come home, every time she comes home from work and is happy to see you, you're just laid out on the couch drinking a beer. And then when your friends come over, you jump up, you can't wait to go out with them. You kind of subconsciously tell her, "I'm having fun with my friends, and when I'm with you, I'm miserable."

Right. And she starts to say, do I make him miserable? Yeah. That's what you do. You can tell her you're going to call her. Like, I'm going to call you in 30 minutes. Then you don't call her.

Oh, those are good. Those are good. Never call her. Yeah, never call her. Yeah. Yeah, but those are immediate. You can tell her you're going to pick her up from the airport and never show up. Wow. This is a road full of callers. I'll tell you why those don't work because my things are subtle, right? Subtle. These will cause arguments right then and there. Subtle, right. I don't want that either. You know what I mean? I don't want to like, hey, I texted you. You didn't text me. I want them not to know what's going on.

Almost like, there's something weird, but I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? It's got to be one of those. Every time she texts you, I love you, you could just hard hit and not say it back. Ditto. Yeah, maybe. Thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, wait. Yeah. Right. Just for Andrew. What if you brought home takeout food, but only for yourself? Oh, that's good. That's a good one. That's a really good one. That's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if...

What if you only kissed her on her forehead like a child? What do you mean? Like you never kissed her on the lips. You want to make out and you're just saying, have a good day. And you kiss her on her head. Or you pat her on her head like a little bit. That's a good one. That's good. Treat her like a dwarf. That's good. I like that. Treat her like a dwarf. Or every time you guys were driving somewhere, she would drive and you sit in the back seat.

Oh yeah, like an Uber. Like an Uber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the Uber method. Like a relationship where it's like it's not intimate at all. Yeah, like a driving Miss Daisy kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Or what about this? When you're walking somewhere with her, you always walk a little bit in front of her. That's a good one. But I've had fights like that before. Right. Where they go, how come you always walk ahead of me? Right. Right. Or like, you know, or have you had this happen?

You're walking with your girl, right? On a beach, wherever. Boardwalk, let's say. Whatever. Right. At a mall, right? Sure. And you're just walking forward and a hot chick just walks in front of you and then you're like, and they're like, I saw that. Oh, why? Because I have eyeballs! Because I have eyeballs! Look at that way! It's crazy! It's crazy talk! Have you had that? You want me to walk like this?

Come on. Yeah. I hate it. It's so dumb. It's like, you haven't checked in with me. You're not my parole officer. I'm not a criminal. I haven't done shit, bitch.

Sorry. Kindergarten. That's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kindergarten. Sorry. Let it out. Sorry, sorry. Kindergarten. Yeah, sorry. It's true, though. What you're saying, we all agree with. It's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like all these things. Now, when I say these things, I don't want to be in a relationship. Why? Oh, you told me another one. I did? Last time? What was it? Where you don't. Oh, but that's different. That's different.

Here's my theory. Okay. And I'm not a scientist, as you know. As you know, right? And I'm not a doctor. You only look like one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What the fuck was that? I'm emotional today. You are? I'm tired. I'm on the edge. Right. I'm going to express myself. Please. I believe that sperm is liquid love. Okay. Hear me out. Okay. Okay.

When I'm jacked up with it, I love my girlfriend. Right? When I release, I like my girlfriend. Okay? Okay. Right? So in order for me to stay in love, you don't come. And that's what I was telling you last night. You never come. What about this? Here's a third theory. Am I not? No. It means you don't really like them.

No, even I was in love with Kalilah. And even when I orgasmed with her, it's not like I hate, I love them still, but it's like, it's still less. Yeah. A little less is what I'm saying. Sure.

- Mm-hmm. - Were you not a bit, or am I in the shadows here? - No, I get it, because you, yeah, because maybe you were lust, maybe it was lust, and there was the lust juice. - Oh, so what you're telling me, DiStefano, is this. - Liquid lust. - Exactly. - Yeah, yeah, oh, it's liquid lust. - Liquid lust. - So what you're telling me is this, and maybe I'm wrong then, okay? - Yeah. - That every time you orgasm with your, you feel the same exact way. - What do you mean? - You don't feel empty?

like, empty, like, towards her? Not just toward her, but it's just like, you know, you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever, you know what I mean? Hmm. Um, that's not you, bro. I'm alone on an island. Yeah. You're not on the boat? It depends on the person. We're on the boat! We're on the three more! I get it. What happened?

No. Oh, my God. It depends on the person. You're all liars, dude. Everyone in this, blasphemy. Yeah, yeah. Give me the book. Oh, Jesus Christ, please, dear Lord, forgive these sinners. I mean, they do not know what they say or mean. They only do for public eye. Here you go. Thank you. It's insane. All right, let's go back, then forget it. So I try to edge, and that's all. I agree. All right.

That's it. It's the best way to do it. It's just, yeah. Every time I've had, the last five times I've had sex with my girl, I've come, but she's just continued watching Landman on Paramount+.

Really? Yeah. Is it a good show? Yeah, yeah. Landman. Every time I come, I hold Billy Bob Thornton in the background. It's called Landman. Landman is one of the best TV shows I've seen ever in my life. So good. And the character Billy Bob Thornton plays is fantastic. It's a very male show. Right. It's on Paramount. And it's a TV show or a movie? I don't like it. TV show. No, girl. You don't think girls will like it? Ali Lard is in it. Ali Lard, who's beautiful. Yes. Yeah.

It's a good show. The last Landman, anything Taylor Sherman has put out, Landman. The other one. Lioness. Lioness was fantastic. Yellowstone. This guy is unreal. Oh, Yellowstone I saw. Yellowstone is good. 1883, 1923. You could be in 1883. You could be in 1883. What could I play in 1883? What could I play? The Laundromat.

No, the railroad. They built a railroad in the sea. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've already said this before. You know what I mean? We're in a different river, right? Same stream. Whatever the analogy is. Never step in the same river twice. River twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Success is not final failure. It's not fatal. But I always said in the old west, I'd be opium. You'd be opium? Opium dealer. You'd live in an opium dump? I'd be an opium dealer. Oh, sick. Yeah, yeah. I would get straight from China. That's what you would do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like you're the guy that if you would get me, I would come in and shake your hand, and next thing you know, you got me in a finger trap. Yeah.

No, no, no. Can we discuss that for a second? So let me see how that works, okay? Right? So you come into my opium den, right? I go, right this way. You do, right? And you go, thank you so much. You're my favorite opium den, right? And we shake hands. And then when we release, I go, I gotcha. I gotcha. And then I can't. But our two fingers are things? No, no, you just snitch it on me.

And your two fingers are in a trap? Yeah, you got my hands in a trap and then you start hitting me with sticks. Dude, I mean... What does opium feel like? It must feel amazing. It's heroin, right? Oh, that's what it is, right? It's heroin. You know, heroin is not actually bad for you.

It's the things that happen. It's vitamin D I heard. Actual heroin. Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, RFK, our new chancellor of health. He was just confirmed today. No, if you look, Google heroin itself, that's not the bad thing. You know what's crazy? He's the chancellor of health and he's been inside my house. Yes. Isn't that weird to think about? Isn't that wild? It's so wild that he's been. That like somebody. You've met Trump? Huh? Have you met Trump? When I was a little kid, never. Who's like the biggest politician you met? Uh.

Love him. Voted him twice. Yes. I don't know. Eric Adams, the mayor of New York, Eric Adams. Oh, really? He did history hyenas. Oh, he did? He did in 2020 and now he's going to go to prison. Who's the most famous guy you met? Politician. No, just in general. Newt Gingrich. Speaker of the House. Who's the biggest famous person you've met? Probably Colin Farrell. How'd you meet him? I worked with him. Doing what? Show. TV show. No. Well, thank you.

You were an actor on it? Yeah. Yeah. And you played lacrosse from him? Yeah. Was he nice? He beat me up. Was he nice? He was the nicest man. Yeah, he seemed so nice. He's the fucking great. Dude, he's out of town. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember we were watching, the show was called Sugar on Apple TV and I was having sex with my girl a couple of months ago and I'm coming and she goes, there's Don. There's Don.

Really? And you could see you on Sugar? Yeah. You had lines and everything? I was in four episodes, yeah. Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, Bob? I told you last night, though. What did I say last night to you? I liked me. No, but also, as an actor, you have such a distinct look. Thanks, man. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that was a compliment, but yeah. You're so handsome. What? You're so handsome. Do you think he's more handsome than you, actually? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's way better looking than him. Yeah, good voice, too. And voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he doesn't look like a Greek god, though? No.

You said I look like Rickard from the side. Well, maybe he's just a superior being than you. Superior being? Right here. Yeah, but I'm more Aryan looking. Is that good? Yeah. Okay. In today's America. Yeah. You're like an Italian baker to me back in the day. He does. Yeah, yeah. He does look like that. Are you Mexican? What are you? Italian. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. From the South. They're rare. Sydney Sweeney. Is that the most famous person now? Sydney Sweeney is famous. Oh, right, right. I just did a movie with her. You did a movie with her too? Yeah, just now. Wow. Congratulations. Thanks, man.

But you do stand-up too, still? Debatable. He's coming with me to San Francisco. Oh, you do it? Feature? Oh, that's awesome. I do two-man shows. Don goes up, does 20. I do an hour. We'll see you the fuck later. Wow. You have fun? I do. I have a good time. You have a good time. Cobbs Comedy Club, shout it out. Oh, Fahim called. I'll call him back. Let's call him back. Thank you. Okay, stay here, Don. I have to tell him he's on pod. Yeah, what up? So I'm with this Zafano. You're on Bad Friends.

Oh, what's up? Are you sharing that right now? Yeah, we're on air. I wanted to warn you. Okay. What'd you say? Don't get sand crazy. I'm in Laurel Canyon. Don't get sand crazy. I know how you get. Anyway, what'd you call me last night late at night for? Just the trade notes. It wasn't about Bobby rubbing his head on your girlfriend's head?

I missed that. We did a side hug photo and I bumped my head against that. She's a wonderful girl, by the way. She's beautiful. We were complimenting how beautiful she was. I touched heads with her and I came a little bit. Is that wrong or...

Sure, no. I mean, it's biological. It's biological. Yeah. Thank you. So that's what you wanted to call me about. Yeah, Bobby, he noticed when he got home he had a little bit of cum on his crocs. Yeah, yeah. It happens. Yeah. Are you with her right now? I have a good pause. Are you with her right now? No, I'm just driving to the store. Okay. I'm doing my show in the belly. Well, have a good show, bud. All right? Thanks, dude. All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Anyway, that was Fahim Anwar. Should I try Jasmine one more time to see if you can come to the wedding? Yeah, yeah. And then this is it. Okay. Sorry. Let me see. She doesn't pick up my calls. I think she might have somebody else. You're not going tonight, right? Whoa. You heard that? That was an immediate go fuck yourself. Now I'm calling back. She hung up on me, right? Yeah. That was obvious. It's probably just a not disturb. Where's Andrew tonight? See you in New York? Boston. Boston. Wilbur. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I just want to tell you that you're on Bad Friends right now with Bobby Lee. Okay. You're on the podcast. She doesn't know who I am. Okay. Hang up now. If you don't hang up right now, we're done. Hang up. You heard I said, tell him I love him. Did you know who I am? I know who you are. What do you think? What is Bobby Lee from other than Bad Friends? Where have you seen him?

Where haven't I seen him? Very good answer. I like it. It's very political. Just give one. Just give one. All you have to do is get one here. I don't know, honey. I don't know. Where do you think you've seen him? Just take a guess. Anything. Anything that comes to mind. Sweetheart, I don't know. I'm just asking you to take one guess. Just wedding. The wedding. One guess. Karate Kid. One guess. What?

Where have I seen him? I saw him at the Hilarious party. Right. And what's he, what's he, did he make you uncomfortable at all? No. Okay. Because he has a thing where he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriends' heads.

That doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. Really? Okay. Let me ask you a question now. We've said we want to keep things very, very small and intimate, close friends and family only for the wedding. And I want you to be honest. I know that you're on the show, but I want you to be genuinely honest. Is Bobby Lee invited to the wedding with a plus one? No, sorry. Okay. Are you being genuine, Jasmine? He cannot come to the wedding?

Yeah, no, sorry. Okay, okay. Okay, good night. Good night. So Bobby's not invited. I'm not invited. Well, let me ask you guys real quick, real quick, and then I'll let you go. Hold on, Jazz. Is Andrew Santino invited? I gotta think about it. I love you, I love you. Bobby walked off. All right, I love you. Bye. Aw, they're all invited. No, no, no. No, no, no. All right, bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye. Bye.

Okay. Oh my God. Before we go, I want to say something. I have to rebuttal. Yes. Yeah. I will not go. I will not go. Yeah. You're not invited. Yeah. I'm not invited. I will not go. Even if I was, I'm not going, you know, the next time I see her, right. It'll be a little different. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be a little different. Yeah. Yeah. I could have believed the audience. It'll be, it'll be political, but not as sweet. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be less. It'd be less. Yeah. Yeah. Not more. You're not going to touch her head.

Won't be anywhere near her. Yeah. From afar, I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah. The next hilarity. It's messed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, keep her away. Yeah. Yeah. And anything to promote down your website or anything? Mustache Scott.com. I don't know.

Okay, good. You're good. You? Hulu special out February 21st. Yep. Bobby's going to do a Hulu special too. Mine's called It's Just Unfortunate. It's Just Unfortunate. And then go to christycomedy.com. We got a lot of stand-up dates. Oh, and patreon.com says History Hyenas. My history show is back. Yep. And also Jesus. Jesus Christ. Remember to keep him in your heart. Remember that an error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it. Exactly. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.