Rudy Is Single
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Hello. Hello, hello. Hello, mate. You all right, mate? I'm all right, mate. We're going to be coming to London and Dublin July 18th and 19th. These are the only two shows we're doing in 2025 together. Yeah. International boys, we're done. If you're living in Scotland, go to London. If you're living in somewhere else, go to Scotland, you know?

Right, it's easy. If you're living in Scotland, go to England. And if you're living in Norway, please fly to Dublin. Yeah, yeah, or Poland. And Poland. If you're living in Poland, you probably got to come to our Polish show. We're doing one Polish sausage show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or not. July 18th and 19th, London and Dublin. Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

Ladies and gentlemen, she returns. She has risen. It's Rudy Jules! She's been away from the show for too long. She's been doing a lot of tiger belly, a lot of belly tiger, a lot of trash Tuesday. I have an intro that I prepared. Oh, sorry about that. Can I? Yeah, please. It's going to take a couple of minutes. Yeah, do it. Beep, beep, beep.

Hello, my weary travelers. My boat crashed along a seashore and I ran into a fair, the Renaissance Fair, and I saw many things. Chalices being made, chain mails, and I also saw one school shooter. I saw a man walking a pickle. Yes.

And I have found my people. And I have some gifts for you all, if I may. If I may? Did you really? Yes. Honestly? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Will you play the bird again? Yeah, yeah. That's beautiful. For Jules. I'm not kidding. I love that thing. Yeah, Jules, I bought you a... It's a wand? It's a wand. Yeah, that's what they call it. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Come grab it. Do-do-do-do.

Play the bird. Play the bird. Play the bird, bud. Okay, sorry. There's no enough water. I'm going to put some more water in it. Very good. Okay, very good. Yeah, put some more water. Whoa. Needs water. Oh, king. What is that? I got you Voldemort's wand. God bless. Oh. Blow the bird. Okay.

Thank you. Here. Thank you. And then. And then. Dude. For my friend, Karloff. Oh. Come, please. Blow the bird. Blow the bird. What, again? Here's a one for you, my friend. Wow. Here you go. All right? Much more. Do not jam it in your ass. Yeah. Happy birthday, Karloff. Stop it. And then.

McCowan, please come. I gave you a black bird charmer. Here you go, my friend. Cool. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you say, you idiot? Yeah, yeah, you bow or something. Bow. Andreas, come here. I have a gift for you, too. I have a gift for you, too, Andreas. This is a big one. Right. This is...

A ceramic penis. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Yeah, yeah. And that is it. I had a joyous day. Bob. Yeah. Thank you so much. And then you just got drunk all day, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? Smash. Yeah, how'd you get here? Uber. Oh, good. Uber. Uber, my friend. Uber. Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah, I love it. This means more than I think you know to me. Why does it? Why does it? Well, because you don't buy me stuff. Yeah. This is special. That was one of the most expensive ones there. How much? $10.

$50. Really? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so we saw on Instagram, Bobby went to the Renaissance Fair. First time ever. Yes. First time last time, first time first time. I'm going next Sunday. You are? Yeah, and Jules is going to come. Are you really going? Yeah. Are you excited? I want to go. Are there elves? Oh my God, there's elves, there's orcs.

There's everything that you can desire. Well, explain to us how much fun you had. It looks really cool. What? Shut up, Fancy. Shut up. Honestly, shut up. That was me. Phony. At the fair today. You're at the fair with your friend, Brittany. Yes. And I'm proud of you. You dressed up. Well, you can rent. See, that's where I made the mistake. You rented? I came like this. Yeah. And then I went to the store and I rented that vest. It's a good looking vest. And I was just jamming out here in front of this. Yeah, it was...

I'm telling you, dude, that was, what a song. You loved it. I saw jousting. I saw a couple of plays. Wow. Yeah, yeah. It was a very enjoyable thing. So you'll go back? I'm going to go back next Sunday. Yeah, with Jules and Dumbfounded and Gene and also Andrea Jin. Look at that. You look good. And I'm going to dress, we're going to dress as, and I'm going to get you to dress as peasants, but Asian peasants.

So my fantasy is this. Wait, that's not Asian peasants, whatever you did before? No, that wasn't Asian peasants. Who is that? Who's that woman? That's Brittany, the girl I was with. Carlos, stop creeping. Yeah, stop creeping. Carlos, stop creeping, dude. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Okay. Do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do. No, I'm going to drug. All the bird. Okay, okay. Okay. You want to communicate? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Dude, that's a connection we'll always experience for the rest of our lives. So what I'm going to say to you is that we're dressed as Japanese rice farmers from the 17th century, and our little canoe got lost. And we ended up in the shores of this English countryside, and we end up at Renaissance Ferry. We'll have samurai swords, and I'm going to wear the little rice paddy hats, and we're going to get you a dress, you know what I mean?

Okay. Unless you want to dress, how would you like to dress? Like the elves. Okay. The Philippines don't have elves, I mean. Yeah, we do. Yeah, those are called...

Crickets. Those are Filipino crickets, dude. They're not elves. What does it say on your sweater? Oh, is that a Filipino cricket or elf? Piglet. Piglet. That's a piglet? What's been going on with you, Jules? Do you always get drunk on Easter? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For Jesus. Yeah? Nice try, Jews. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. This is the Andrew I like. We got you, Jules. So did you go egg hunting? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did. Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's in those little eggs, huh? A little bit of money. Really? Chocolate. Yeah, you and your buddies, huh? Charlie Day, Jason Bateman. Why do you bring these names that aren't relevant at all? Do-doot.

Hollywood. So who did I go egg hunting with? I have no idea. You're fancy friends. Allison Janney. Yeah, of course. Bradley Whitford. The whole cast of West Wing. Bradley Cooper. Bradley Whitford. And Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm and I had lunch. Are you being real? No, fuckhead.

Do you know John? No. Oh, I met him once. You do? Yeah, one time I met him. Time out. Let's be honest. Yeah, yeah. Are you still mad at Carlos or no?

Because I feel like there was a lot of tension from last week. Yeah, but you know, I'm a forgiving man. You really are. It was really hard to buy him a wand. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I pondered over it for like an hour looking at it. Be honest. Yeah, two hours. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went, you know what? He deserves a wand. He does. Yes. Thanks, Bob. So, you know, when Voldemort or the Jews attack. Do, do, do.

Yeah. Good boy. Maybe I regret getting that from McCone. Yeah, he's going hog wild with it. But it is a beautiful thing. Would you ever go? No. You should go with us. Shut up. Yeah. Why wouldn't you go, though? I laughed the whole time. Okay, how about this? Yeah. Will you come to an NBA game? Yeah. No, you won't. I will. You won't.

If you get me tickets. Would you come to a Dodger game? Will you sit in a Dodger game? I'll go with you. No, you won't. You know you won't. I've offered you before. I'll sign a contract going. I will go if you go to a run on San Smer. Carlos, can I get some help? For real. I've offered you to come to. You don't want to come. You've never offered me. That's not true. Have you ever heard him offer me? Yes. Thank you, Andreas. Yes. No, he has for the Lakers, actually.

Yes, I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't go to a Laker game. I love it. If I'm sitting next to fucking Jack Nicholson, I'll do it. He's dead. I know. He's doo-doo.

No, but seriously, you won't come to an NBA game. I will go. That's what it is. That's an NBA game. Look at the women. That's your NBA. Yeah. But I laughed so hard. Like, you know, there was a play. Hi, I can't get into it. Do it. Because it's going to get in trouble. No, come on. Please. Well, years ago, I was on a game show. And it was with Rob Gronkowski on that game show called Game On. Oh, yeah. Right? And it was like. It was terrible. It was terrible. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Anyway. Bad TV. So I did a joke. Happy Easter. The producers came up to me and they go, we have to cut that out. I go, why? What did you say? He goes, it was racist. What did you say? I said, there was a thing about Renaissance fairs. And what's one thing about the Renaissance fair? And I go, there's no black people. And then they came up to me and go, cut. You can't say that. Literal fact. When I went there, I saw three. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Wait a minute. Yeah, but these three though, special kind. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, wait. Look who we see. On the fourth picture and look who we see. My boy, my dog. Yeah, that's my dog, dude. James. Did you finish it? Yes. Yes. Stop. Stop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, it's a fire bothering you. Dude, I love him. Stop. You can't do that. I just did it. I know, but you can't do it. It was great. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'll do it. It's a fire bothering you. Mom. Dad. This guy is so fucking James. Dude, he's the biggest dick. What? He's the coolest guy on the show. I'm the coolest guy. I'm the coolest guy.

I'm so sorry. James. I just imagined. James is the man. But is he better than Connor? Connor and James are head to head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For me, they're head to head. Yeah. Now. Here's Connor. Ready? Yeah. She's coming over. Dude, I love that he pauses words. Did you see the last episode? Did you? Yeah. Were you mad at me? No, because it was still hot.

What a beautiful, you know what? Hot makeup. Now we can talk about it. No, you can't. Well, for the fans, it's too late now. You had to watch. But I, um. Georgie. When I kiss somebody, I want to be like them. Yeah. Where it's like. They want you to be like them. The magic. Yeah. You know what I mean? The magic. The spark. You know?

And that's what I'm waiting for. Well, Abby has been making up. Do you remember we ran into Abby at the airport? Remember this? That was so funny. We were going to Boston. Where were we going? Boston? We were going somewhere and Abby and his- Do you guys remember this? Who was with us? No, Abby and her mom was there. Yeah. And then, I don't know. I think I started the conversation with them first. There she is. There's Abby. And she was so sweet. What? Wood. Wood.

Would? Would. I would. Abby. Carlos. Carlos. I do. By the way, when he says something perverse, you always go, do, do, do. It's really low. Yeah. She's the shit. Carlos, shut up. Carlos, what would you do first, Carlos? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Put on a Disney Plus. That's good. Smart. That's good. Smart. Right? You know what I'd do? Get her some dolphin stickers. Love. Put some around the room. Love. And she'll go, yay, or whatever. You know what I mean? And then what else? That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jules. Jules. Do you watch that show? No. You don't see Love on the Spectrum? You don't watch that? No. What are you watching right now? White Lotus? No, she doesn't watch that. The Last of Us. Is there Love on the Spectrum in the Philippines? No.

Imagine them. Well, I see. Yeah, they're drowning in a pool. You want to climb this tree? You want to climb this tree? I'm kidding. I don't like Last of Us because of the mushroom zombies. But that's the most realistic thing.

mushroom zombies cordyceps they do that yeah um that is the most real well i do have an itchy foot is that from that you are my fungi you're my mushroom zombie yeah i got rid of my fungi through the machines by the way you're they sell on tiktok double piercing is yeah that's right

- Looking good. Good for you, dude. - Are you okay? - Yeah. I just think you're not part of us anymore. You left us. - Yeah, yeah. Give us what you miss about her. - Well, here's the deal. I love Jules. We started the show with Jules.

And then every time I see her, I'm like, oh, she's not ours anymore. What do you mean? You know what I mean. Don't play dumb with me, pal. You disappeared. You became a star on other shows. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? I live with her. I don't know. Am I wrong? Yeah, you're not wrong. You don't even take care of his house well. She abandons the dog sometimes, no? You're famous. No, I don't. Today.

You walked him at noon. It's six o'clock and now you're coming home? That's fine. Where were you? Where were you? Yeah, with friends. Oh, don't. Oh, dude. Where were you? Hanging out with friends. Where are friends? What? You have no friends. Dude. Thank you. I went to the beach. You went to 15 milk tea shops. That's what you did. Yeah, you do something weird like that and the dogs need to get walked. And why are they- And they cry at night.

But they're not being walked. Because of you. Yeah. Because you're negligent. Sometimes. Wow. Oh, my God. What a mess, huh? Did you ask for the jarhead at the fucking hair plant place? I did. Yeah, yeah. It's a weird... Can I get the jarhead from... Wait. Full metal jacket. I want the haircut from full metal jacket. Fence. Yeah, fence. What is it? It doesn't look good. You have to wait. You have to wait. Okay. That's you. That's you, dude.

Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? I don't know what I've been told! That's you, dude. My God. And are you mad that your people aren't in the new Star Wars? Yeah, what the fuck?

What do you mean? They should just put porgs in there. Yeah, porgy, porgy, porgy. Porgy it out. And with the militant, they could be militant porgs, right? With guns. Chewbacca can't eat us. Right? That's you, dude. You look good, fam. Yeah, you look really good. Thank you. Let's go back to the victim. When you look at your penis, is it translucent? It seems like it is. What?

You know what's rude? Put it in your pocket. Don't put it there. Pervert. Yeah, you're going to take your wand home, right? Jules, what's been going on with Jules? Well, you keep asking that, dude. Because she's not around anymore. I know. She left us. Guys. I didn't leave you guys. Did she leave us? She's graduating. No, no. Look at the booth. Did she leave us? Yeah. Thank you. She's graduating from college in two months, right?

Yeah. Isn't that crazy? She started this show when she was in high school. Senior in high school. I know. But I didn't leave you guys. Yes, you did. Don't, don't, don't, don't. I didn't. Trash Tuesday and Tiger Belly asked me. Not you guys. Fans at home.

Did she leave us? Comment down below. Yeah, comment down below. You know you did. Who gave you the most fun opportunities? Us. And she doesn't take them. No, yeah. Come down to Long Beach. Doesn't. Get appreciated. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. Yeah, yeah. And it's fine. Yeah. And now you're single. She's a hot shot. She's got money. Does whatever she wants. Single. You know what's so funny about you two? Give it to her. You claim you don't have a lot of money, but that's a lot of Amazon packages for you. A lot. Every day. Because I need underwear.

Underwear. That's not. Nobody's ordering underwear. And hangers. Go to Ross. And underwear and hangers. See, people like you. People are like ungrateful. Ungrateful. Ungrateful people. Yeah, people like you. What has Tito Bobby done for you? Exactly. Literally everything. And here you are ordering underwear off of Amazon. Disgusting. Heavy metal fucking. What have you done?

I don't know. I don't know. What have you done for me? Move away. Can I tell you something? What? Fuck you. When you posted that photo of you at the Renaissance Fair, I literally said, I go, he looks happier than I've seen him in years. Yeah. No, I'm serious. Put up the photo. I'm not kidding. I saw that photo today. Which one? Was me and Britt or just me dancing? You and Britt, dude. I was like, you guys, you look so stoked.

You know why? She's my friend. You know that. I know, dude, but I'm just saying, you know why? Why? So pretty. Yeah, she's pretty. You know why? Yeah. Because you're having, I can tell right there, you're goofing. You're having fun. And you're goofing. I said, oh man, he's goofing. He's having a good time. And I guarantee you, you got recognized a lot and you were jamming and having a good day. Well, I'll be honest with you. Carlos. I had two fairies. Am I right? I had two fairies, two executioners. Who'd you get recognized? The king. The king?

A king recognize you. Another one. This is a funny one, dude. A man. So he was holding something on a leash. And it was like a man with no shirt on, black leather pants. I don't know what he was. He was holding something on a leash. And I go, that's what I follow the leash down. And there was another man. It's like a dog or something. Sure. Just crawling on the ground like that. Sure. Yeah. So you have that too. What do you mean? That's just what do you mean? The dog, the dog human recognizes you. My friend.

Yeah, so that was nice. That's a real thing there, by the way. You do see people on leashes, huh? There's a lot of weird things there. A lot of trans, which I support. I do. I know, but... And a couple of times, I'm like, milady, and he goes, he lady! I mean...

Me sir. Me sir. Me sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, that was one of those situations. That's okay. It's okay. You're guessing. I was gathering information. You're guessing. You're gathering information as you go. It's a long walk. It's a lot of walking. What, Orange County? Where was this? It's in Pasadena. Gotta be. It was long. But it just goes on forever. And then it's like, I ate crepes. Okay. You like sweet or savory crepes? Sweet. Nutella? Yeah. Love. It was strawberry. You like pink berry or yogurt land?

I hate Pinkberry so much it's unbelievable. It's a fake place. It's dog shit. Give me ice cream. Frozen yogurt is a lie. Am I right, guys? It's a lie. It's not a lie. It's a lie. Tell me this. Pinkberry can't compete with Salt and Straw, McConnell's, Van Leeuwen. It doesn't even come close. It's a cleaner taste, though.

But it doesn't satisfy you. It does. No, it doesn't. With the chocolate malt crunch? The fuck it does. Dude, chocolate malt crunch. Ice cream is better than frozen yogurt every day of the week. Everyone knows. Ice cream. Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Cash App. You owe me money. You know that. I know. You know what? I sent it to you on Cash App. You have to send it to me on Cash App. I already did. It's a safe, easy, and fast way to send, receive, and transfer money to family and friends. Bobby and I are both a family and friends. It's so easy to get started. Just enter your phone number or email. No bank account needed at all. My money showed up right away. No.

We're waiting around for days now, man. It's your money. You shouldn't have to wait. Cash App has your back. If you're about to send money to a sketchy account, a scam warning pops up. Do you feel way more relaxed knowing Cash App has your back? Because you should. It does. And by the way, I got scammed on one of these money transfer things. I'm not going to tell you which one, but somebody was using my money to rent boats in Florida and go fishing. That was me, dude. That was you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Really good yellow fish. Well, I'll tell you what.

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- Ice cream is so much better than frozen yogurt. Everyone in your nose. Please, somebody, please. - Okay. - Pinkberry is dog shit. - Are you lactose? - Huh? - Are you lactose? - No, I'm Christian. - Yeah, okay, I'm lactose. - I know. - But I'm converting to Christian. - You're the first Korean Jew that I've ever met. - I know, dude. - My tummy hurts. - No, dude, you can't have ice cream. - I know. - When we go out, no, you have, you just take a lactate or whatever. - I like a lactate. - I like a lactate. - I like a lactate. - Can you have lactose?

I don't, but I still eat it. Yeah. Your stomach gets upset? Man. What it's like to be Jewish in South Korea. Let's zoom in. I'm shocked. Yeah. They are there. Wow. Not one of those people is South Korean. Look at the one in the hat right there. That's like a Korean Jew.

Right there, Korean Jew. I can't wait to leave. Yeah. Look at your little wand, by the way. Do you like your wand? It's so nice. What are you texting? Nothing. You're on your shit. Here's the deal about Bob. When he falls in love with somebody or falls in crush, whatever, he's on his phone the whole time. That's crazy. You have another crush? Hard. Hard. You love, you like this person a lot.

No, let me do my own. I'm sorry. Dating addiction. Maybe cut that out. That felt weird. It didn't hit. Carlos thinks you have a dating addiction. Well, you know, I've been looking up limerence. Limericks from Ireland? No, limerence. And I would love you so very much. What is it? Limerence is an infatuation with somebody that's bordering on unhealthy.

Do you think that's what you have? I don't know. So I'm being mindful about how I behave. Why can't I deserve love? That's what we're saying. No, we're not saying. No, we're literally saying I want you to be happy. Am I wrong? I think you're a sabotager. Why? I don't know, man. How? Would you ever hook me up with a friend of yours? Yeah. And can I tell you something?

Every time you date someone or starts talking to someone, I do something. What do you think I do? - A prayer. - And I'm gonna say this to the fans right now. What do you think I really do? - A prayer. - No. - What do you do? - Every time you date somebody, I look into their profile.

And what's the first thing you think I do, Carlos? What do you think I do with their profile? Let me guess. You jerk off. Carlos, what do you think I do? I think you look at the stories. I see if... Go ahead, McCone. If she's following a bunch of other comics? Thank you, McCone. I go, how many comics has she followed? And then I also see, has she DM'd anyone we know? And the current woman that you're having a good time with? Goose egg.

That means she's a good one. Am I wrong? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not following a lot of comics. Yeah. And she hasn't been DMing comics. Yeah. That means she's legit. She's not a chuckle fucker. Well, no. She likes Bobby Lee. Instead of liking the world of Bobby Lee, she likes Bobby Lee. And that, to me, as Booth knows, is the most important.

Have I not supported you seriously? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Enough of that. I think it's going to drive people crazy. No, but am I being serious? Yes. When I see she's following other comics, blah, blah. And let me tell you something. I looked into golf. And when I see a golf ball, right, I look at it different because of you. What do you do? Sorry. That's what happens. It never arrives to me. Yeah.

He drifts away from me like you do. Here, I'll get it. I got a kid that'll get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good girl. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Dude. King dork. And don't get offended by this, if I may. Go ahead. Right? But the texture of the ball is kind of like your face. Go on.

Go on. Well, I think if you were younger, maybe you had some acne. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I'm feeling those craters. Oh, you feel that? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. But the center, there's a mass in there. You know what I mean? And that's the brain. That's my brain. Yeah, and that's the brain. And your brain is filled. Thank you. Yeah, with knowledge. Thank you. Yeah. But this texture of the skin, though, is what I want to go back to. Is it bad? Not my favorite. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, here you go. I'll take that hit. Yeah, yeah. What do I remind you of? An ugly old 52-year-old man who's single and sad. Wow. That was fast. That was fast? And furious. Part of six, I'll tell you that. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. You're the prettiest guy. You're pretty. And who supports you more than me?

- Not these fucking clowns. - Yeah. - Shut up. - I mean. - Now that you're single, what are you gonna do, loser? - Eat pussy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Dude, are you on to girls? Are you on to girls? - I don't know, but I'll try. - That's the thing about love on the spectrum. The autistic kids, when they're like, "I don't know if I like guys,"

They go right to By Curious. So I'm autistic? Yes. Yeah, but the two girls in there got together. Yeah? Yeah, in their love. I'm saying, Perry. Yeah. She likes trains, Perry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love her. I love her. So what, you're interested in chicks or no? Yeah, anything. No, you're open. But you're leaning towards girls now? No, just both.

Okay. But I want to try BBC too. Huh? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? Big Black Cock? Yeah. No, no, no, no, yes. Well, attention all BBCs. Beep, beep, boop, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, yeah.

There it is. Wow. Send in your, don't send in your penis. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. Send in your, what? A video. No. No, no, because they'll do penis. Like measurements. No, no. No, your credit rating. Yes. Yes. Your credit rating. Send in what kind of car you drive. Do you drive a Challenger or a Charger?

At carlosinthebooth at gmail.com. Let's see if you can get some chocolate love down here to Cinnamon Central. So when we're at the Renaissance Sons Fair, right, we ran into a couple of little Asian girls. They're in their 30s, but they're like smaller. Forever girls. And we were eating and stuff like that. And then my friend goes, yeah, they're going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yum, yum. Look at that. There's Brad Williams. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stop, dude. And then they look like librarians or whatever. You know what I mean? Or like dental assistants. Dental assistants. Yeah. And then my friend goes, oh, they're the two biggest OnlyFans. So then I immediately go, what's their OnlyFans? What do you mean? There's two little people? No, they're not dwarves. They're just smaller Asians that look cute and look like

Engineers. And they're famous OnlyFans. Yeah, yeah. And so then I frantically, you know what I mean? They're in Fort Cross. I'm trying to get their OnlyFans. What are they? What's their name? Right? I'm not going to say. But my point is that. Please. Ooh la la. It was nice, nice, nice. You never can tell. You never can tell. That's my thing. Are you going to do apps now? You never did the apps. Like Tinder? Oh, like. Hinge, Tinder, Raya. Try it. Raya's yours, right? That's what you're on? Yeah. You can get it probably right. But I don't like the guys on Raya.

To get on, you know, because Ben F. Does your generation not do the apps? They do, but like all the guys there just want to fuck. Yeah. I think you're asexual. Is that what it is? No, but I mean, like, isn't that what all the apps are? Am I crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Fancy, don't know. That's why I don't want to go there. You don't know. Fancy, you don't know. She's looking for love. Yeah. You were never on the apps, right? You met your wife in where? At a bar. What bar? The Dodgers bar. The Dodgers bar? Yeah.

Do you mean the shortstop? Yep. Are you fucking kidding me? No. You met your wife at the shortstop on Sunset? Uh-huh. When you go in for a move. Joel, shut up. Honestly. You're the one that's drunk. I know. Yeah. And you know what? I'm drunk on Easter, and let me tell you something. I'm hurt.

Oh, let's hear it. Can I be honest? Yeah. I'm hurt. Tell us your hurt pain. Because Jules was our... Oh, my God. She was one of the pillars of this show. Uh-huh. And she went away. And she doesn't give a fuck about us anymore. Dude, you're a fucking asshole right now, dude. You don't care about us anymore. I do. No, you don't. I swear. No, you clean up the dog poop and you don't care. You know, your behavior last night was uncalled for. What did I do?

We were doing a show at the Ice House. Usually we switch, but you told me to close. And then you're like, oh, I don't know. Everybody wants the king to close. Am I right? Yeah, and then he goes, I will have nothing. And then he goes up there and he destroys. No. With crowd work. No. And I got buried both sides. I was rife in it.

- Yeah. - There's Matt Rife in it. - Yeah. - My guy, Dr. Drew. - Dr. Drew. - Dr. Drew came and saw us, he diagnosed us. - Yeah, yeah. - He gave us a breakdown. This motherfucker can diagnose you live. - Yeah, he's a good guy though. - I gotta tell you, Bob is ready to film. - I'm not ready to film. - Yes, you are. Bobby's Hour is so funny and I've seen it. For two years we were on the road. - Okay. - And now he's been doing his thing and I'm not kidding. You're so ready, it's crazy, it's so funny.

It's funny to watch someone do it. No, I'm not kidding. I'm still not done, man. Yeah, I need another 20 and I'm good. He's ready to rock. We were there with Kevin Nealon last night. Nealon, one of the greatest of all time. He's a liar. What did he do? He goes, hey Kevin, did you go out? He goes, yeah, I did. But he didn't. You can't get anything truthful from that. Would you bring a date to the Ice House? Because you bring dates to the store.

I think it's, you know what? Home territory is different though. This new ice house, I hated at first. Why? I think they treat me poorly. Really? Yeah. And then I complained about it on, I think, this podcast. Yeah. And then Johnny Buzz called me.

And said, dude. He goes, give us another chance. You did. And they switched it up and they treat all of us better now. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now it's nice to go. You feel better when you go down there? I like the rooms. I love them. Yeah. I will say, I miss the old ice house for people that don't know. It was all Mexican. Yeah. Give it to me.

Yeah, I love Mexicans. I love Mexicans. And it was more Mexican. It's still some, but I liked when it was all Mexican. Yeah. I love Mexicans. Yeah. They're just great people. They're just, I don't know. It's different now. Am I wrong? Please. Come on. Mexicans. No, no. The room. Oh, you don't like Mexicans? I love them.

I don't know that. No, no, seriously, you don't like them? I love them a lot. Why? Yeah. Just a couple of Mexicans today, they had very yellow teeth, but those are just an observation. Really? Because next to the Renaissance Fair is a park and it's Easter, right? So,

So you got a guy, you know what I mean? He's got a mini moped. He's got like a Spider-Man hat on. Oh, yeah. Hey, puto, get out of the way. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. You know what I mean? Wolver puto. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's all those. You go from the Renaissance Faire to like people with real knives. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? And like, hey, puto. You know what I mean? It was like a completely different. If there was a war, they would win. Oh, sure. Between the Renaissance Faire. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would totally win.

But, you know, yeah, it's good. I love it. Where was the Renaissance Fair? In Pasadena. By the bowl or something? No, it's like far. It was a little farther than Pasadena, actually. Where is that?

No, Carlos. It's that. That whole green thing. Irwindale. See that whole green thing right there? Way past. Can you zoom in? Buddy, that's so far. Where the lake is. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly. The lake is a part of it. That's not Pasadena, dude. Zoom out. That's fucking. What is that called? It's by Azusa. Irwindale. That's so far away. It's pretty far, yeah. It's Pasadena. Yeah, Pasadena is 20 miles west. So were you well received? What do you mean, dude? Were people excited to see Bobby Lee at the Renaissance Fair?

You know, dude. It's funny. Please. When I was with my group, no one really said anything, but I did voyages on my own and that's when it started happening. So you broke off from the group. I had to break up from the group to do my little shopping. Do you have to talk to people about it? Do they have to say, before we dismantle, we must organize?

It feels like they're plotting for war every time though. No, yeah. Uno, they go. We'll go where the mini cows are. Meet us back there. Mini cows. There's a petting zoo. Calfs? Little calves, yeah. Really? Did you pet? I sure did. You did? Yeah. Are there games?

Yeah, so there's axe throwing, spear throwing, bow and arrow, right? You know what I mean? I didn't do any of those activities. You didn't want to try one of them? No, no, no, no. Because I saw my group do the spears, and they were just so bad. Your group. And I was ripping on them. I go, oh, my God. What do you have, carpal tunnel? I was just, like, making fun of them. If you could do one, what would you do?

bow and arrow I think because Koreans are good at that are they? and women really? let me see you pose that's a bow and arrow if I've ever seen one no it looks good oh go wow there it is that's the South Korean woman she won the gold in the Olympics right? what's her name? An San Wan that's her third gold medal

Damn, dude. That's got to be so gangster. Have you ever seen the Splash Brothers? Steph Curry. No, they're Filipino guys diving. And they're trying to qualify for something. Oh, yeah. I can't. I've seen them. Play it. This guy's my guy. The fourth one. Well, it's all of them, really. Okay. Good takeoff.

Not going to make it. Oh, my God. By the way. The second guy's worse. When they pause it. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Look at his face. Look at his form. Look at his form. Right on his back.

That's pretty good. No high five. Why would you high five? No high five. All right. If he high five, I would move my hand. How about the John David? Oh, he's going to do it. He's going to do it. Yeah. I didn't see. Paiolio. Here we go. Paiolio. Let's see if this guy. John David Paiolio. Try not to laugh, guys. Just thinking about his nurse gig right after this. Oh, no.

Yes, sir. Jesus. He does this, but he lands on his feet. It's incredible. I mean, he's like talking in pain. Look at his face. Oh, my God. How are they so bad? How are they? You're surrounded by water. The Philippines are surrounded by water. You have cliffs. How are they that bad? Oh, yeah. They're bad. Look at his face, dude. Look at that. He took a shit in the air, dude. Look at it. Oh, my God.

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A lot of Filipinos don't know how to swim. Why? Why? Because they don't go to the ocean. No, but seriously, why though? It's an island. It's an island. Well, some- Islands. It's a chain of islands. It's a chain of islands. Some Filipinos- It's not Nebraska. Some Filipinos don't want to get dark. They don't bother going to the ocean. In the sun. Yeah. In the sun. Right. I see. Yeah. Okay, but- Did you ever use sunscreen as a kid? No. That was not a thing. No. That's our thing.

That's my thing. But they won gold in weightlifting. Oh, weightlifting. Yeah, yeah. Did they? Yeah, female weightlifting. And then I think with Dutarte, bought her like a mansion or something. Yeah. So here you are, Jules. Young, single, successful, fresh out of college. What's the next move for you?

Citizenship. Yeah. That's literally, it's him on the card. It's incredible. We should buy that. Yeah. Can we scratch all our money together to do that? Look at how sick that looks. You got the gold card. Do you really want to be a citizen here? Don't you like leaving?

She wants to live here forever. I like staying here, but I don't get why it's so hard to stay here. What do you mean? It's the best country in the world. We get it, man. You're from Texas. Yeah, we get it.

- We get it, dude. - What is it? - 'Cause in the Philippines, there's so many white people, white old people that just stays there for a long time, but then here, I can't stay for a long time. - Right. - Right, it's unfair. - It's unfair. - So the whites get to come and do whatever they want, and you can't come here and do whatever you want, right? - Yeah. - Well, what's the Philippines' main export?

Coconut. The Philippines may export electronic products, particularly integrated circuits. Semiconductors. Okay. Okay, and coconut oil. Coconut oil. Copper, nickel, gold. Yeah. Office machine parts. That's great. You want to print something?

Oh, yeah. Outside companies set up factories there, right? For sure. Yeah, yeah. For sure. So what's going to happen to you now that you're single? Are you going to move back? Because you can't stay here. We don't want you here. No, I want to stay here. No, not with Trump. You can't. Guys, tell her. You can't stay. You need to join OnlyFans to survive. No, shut the fuck up, man. Carlos, you're a pig. You're a pig, dude. Kill it. She's our daughter. Is there a way to prove...

That like, I'm okay. I'm an okay Filipino. Yeah. I mean, there is ways to do it. There's a test. Isn't there a test online? Yeah, there's an okay Filipino test and we have it memorized. Yeah, we have it. Andrew and I have it memorized. All right, go ahead. Okay, how fast can you climb a tree? Like, really fast. Like, a 20-foot tree, right? A palm tree. How fast can you climb that? Go. Like...

Two minutes. Oh no, there's poop right there. What do you do with it? You eat it. That's right. That's right. That's good for two. Yeah, yeah. A dwarf with two knives are attacking you, but from the sky, a lady with two knives is attacking you. What do you do? What do you do? You stab the dwarf. Yes. That's the right crack, yes? And then, you just say,

Yeah, that's how you do it, dude. Because she fell off a building. That's right. She was cooking something on the 15th floor and she fell off. Okay, here comes someone in the village. I'm your great-great-great-great aunt. And you know me. Do you remember me? I need money. What do you do? Shut the fuck up. Yeah. That's all right. It's three in the morning. You hear a noise. You go outside, right? And you see a half-dark...

Filipino man half wolf. Right? And half chicken. Three halves? Three halves. Everybody has three halves, right? What do you do? You kill it and you roast it and you eat it? Yeah. What else do you do? And? You...

You? You fuck it? You fuck it! You fuck the human part! That's very good. You eat the fucking chicken and the fucking wolf part. Pretty easy. Very easy. If you have a baby, right? It is a wolf baby.

That's a wolf baby. Yeah, with hair on the face. You know, like Barnum and Bailey. What a circus. What do you do? You eat it because it's an animal? No, no, no. Kid, no. Praying mantises do that. Propitia.

What is that? You give it a hair medication. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. That helps hair grow, right? Fuck, I got it wrong. I think, yeah. So do you want to, I'm being genuine, do you want to get back into the dating scene or no? Not right now. Yeah, the wounds are too fresh. Yeah. But when you do get back out, you want to only date women, huh?

Not only, but... What kind of woman do you want, though? Do you want a girly girl or a... Girly girl. Who's your crush? My crush? What female famous person is your crush? Girl crush? Is it a girly girl? Is it like a Margot Robbie? No. The girl from The Last of Us that plays Dina. Who's that? Isabella Merced.

Shut up, Fancy, with the bullshit, with the fucking accent. Isabel Amartey. She's so pretty. She is. But is that your style? That's your type? That's what you're looking for? I think so. Not white. Not white. All right, Fancy, we get it. Yeah, you have a particular fear of the white.

Yeah, what is your fear of the white? You have the fear of the white. What is it? Well, I tried white dick and I told you guys that that was too translucent. Yeah, like, I understand. You don't want to see everything in there, right? Right. You don't want to see all the veins and all the inner working. You don't want to see how the sausage is made. You just want to see the sausage. You just want to cover. So now with women, your favorite kind of woman is like that.

Tan, small. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let me ask you something. Are you still buzzed? Oh, yeah. I'm buzzing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you tell? Yeah. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Carlos. Happy birthday to you.

Yay. Thanks, y'all. How old are you, Carlos? 38. What's in there? Is that a sweet green salad? Yeah, the basic salad. Damn, dude. That's so fucking sad. That's your cake? Oh, I mean, on my actual birthday was sadder. I played the Indiana Jones game and just hung out with my dog. Who texted you on your birthday? You and Bob. He did? Yes, I did. Did he? He really did. I really did. Did anybody else?

McCone called me this morning. Did fans? Fancy didn't. Interesting. Fancy texted me and said, is Carlos's birthday today? I said, it was yesterday. Go ahead. Go ahead, fuckhead. I knew it was around 420. What do you mean you knew it was around? His favorite holiday. So you didn't know his birthday and you just didn't wish him a happy birthday? Yeah. Wow, dude. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Yeah. This is a crew. This is a crew. I know. Jetski hit me up. Did she? Yeah.

She didn't. Nice try. Yeah, nice try. All about herself. Related happy birthday. Thanks. Oh, fuck off. That doesn't count. Doesn't count. So we're playing London. Who's going? Who didn't text you for your birthday that hurt you the most? For real. Like, who didn't acknowledge your birthday that actually bothered you? Oh, for real? For real? Yeah, because as we get older, right, Bob? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. As we get older, what are you, on Facebook? What are you doing?

Because all the restaurants are closed I'm hungry so I'm ordering it to get delivered to my house You're waiting until now? We had all night to order food Literally all night It's 9 o'clock It's 9.30 Yeah but after this podcast I'm going to go straight home It'll be ready for me Okay What's your problem dude? Continue with your fucking You're my problem bud No bud And that's a strong word right now bud We're not at bud level You're acting a little silly right now dude

Carlos Yeah yeah yeah Who didn't text you That bothered you the most

- Probably exes. Like my ex-wife didn't hit me up. - Why would your ex-wife hit you up? - Just to acknowledge it. And then the girl I dated after who had a boyfriend, she didn't hit me up either 'cause she's engaged now. - Well, yeah, bud. - And then the other girl also didn't. - Yeah, dude, outside of exes because that women, that's tough. - Any girl texted you? - Yeah, a couple of girls hit me up. - Say it. - Hany.

- Hany? - Yeah, she's hot. - Who's Hany? - Hany from Miami. - What guy, what buddy, what guy friend that your friend could close with didn't hit you on your birthday that bothers you? - I think the real answer is Andres, but I can't really get mad at Andres. It's this weird thing. - Did Benji text you? - I brought you pizza. - Yeah, he brought me pizza. - Let me ask you something. - Did Benji text you? - Benji did not text me. - Was it shocking when I texted you?

Yeah, because we had just gotten in a big fight last week. You guys fought? Oh, we didn't fight for weeks. It's been going on. It's been going on for a while. He never had tested me. What? You never texted me. For what? For anything. Okay. Exactly.

I can see you all the time. What the fuck are you talking about? Whenever I call Fancy, when he picks up, I go, this is a bad idea. I know. Me too. Hey, Andrew. I'm like, never mind. Goodbye. Also, there's things going on in the background. Like, where are you? In a fucking airplane? The guy works here. There's like sound. He lives in a factory. Like, what the fuck are you doing over there, dude? Yeah.

He lives in a factory. Or a baby. What are you doing over there, dude? And the baby's like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I got to tell you, dude. Yeah. I don't buy this bullshit. You and the baby and the wife. That's not real.

That's not real, dude. It's impossible that she likes you. Impossible. The baby or the wife? Both. I think it's an impossibility. So honestly, Carlos, a few people didn't text you. And it's okay. You don't have to call them out. But there's a few people that didn't text you that it bothers you. Yeah. Also, that same person that didn't text me is going to have a baby and they didn't tell me. Seriously? Yeah. Wow. And I was like, oh, they don't want to tell me. Holy shit. Does that fuck you up?

It makes me feel like I'm being separated from my friends and I'm drifting in space. Well, let me tell you something. And I'm being honest. Can I be real? Let's get real for once. A lot of my friends have kids. There's a thing that happens when you don't have kids where you're not invited. And honestly, I get it. I get it. You don't want to be invited.

Dude, shut the fuck up. Honestly, honestly, shut the fuck up. Did Sebastian ever invite you to his little kid things? No, but that would never be. We're not close. I used to go there. We're not close like that. Okay. But I'm saying like friends of mine outside of the business, they have kids and they feel weird not inviting us. And I understand. But there's also a moment of like, like today, like Easter today, Easter Sunday today. Hmm.

I'll come over and do the thing. Do what? Hunt? I want to hunt for eggs. Hunt for kids? What are you doing, dude? For eggs. What is this, Hunger Games? Yeah. I'll go hunt for kids. I'll go have an egg hunt. Yeah. I'm a fun guy. Not really. Really? I mean, there's a thing about- I'll do it. I know, but in your face, your eyes crinkle, right? You do smile. Yeah.

But the cheeks is right. Have you noticed that? Yeah. He'll go like this, right? No, but I'm a good uncle. I'm a great uncle. But it's like, I'll come over and do the egg thing. I think people feel bad about inviting us because they're like, you don't have kids. We don't invite you. Oh, yeah. And it feels weird. You don't get invited. Well, you don't get. Or you know what I hate too is when comics go, you got married? Yeah, like last year. How many people went? Like 500. And you go, what?

I've helped you. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're shocked. I'm shocked. Like, dude, I helped your career. I'm because, yeah, it's because of me. I wouldn't go, but I want the invitation. You know what I mean? Coursely invite you, whatever it says. Why do you want the invitation?

You're never going to go. I've gone to a couple. Whose wedding did you go to? Sebastian Monscoco and Dr. Ken Jeong. I have a question. Yeah. Here we go. Jazz it up. Do you guys ever get ingrown hairs in your balls? Can I tell you something that's crazy? This is nuts. I lotion my nuts every day now. Mm.

Because I have eczema, you know? In your balls? Wait, check this out. You really have eczema? Dude, check this out. I have eczema all over my body. You're a stinky fucking dirty fucker. No, it's not stinky. It's just dry skin. It's not good, dude. Oh, my God. Okay, dude. It's dry skin. It's disgusting, dude. It's what fucking Jeremiah Watkins gets. All over his body. I had eczema. This is wild. I had eczema all over my body one time. Dry skin.

I got eczema on my balls. And the doctor said, and the doctor was like, just fucking lotion up your balls. Yeah, dude. But I do lotion my balls. I lotion my balls every day. Yeah. Now I over lotion my balls. Yeah, I have pores on my balls that, you know what I mean? No, I'm serious. I over lotion my balls now. Okay. Do you guys put lotion on your nuts? Never. Dude, your butthole is so ugly. Why? It's just one of the ugliest buttholes I've ever seen. Look who's talking.

- Yeah, two, part two is my favorite one. - Look who's talking, part two. Wait, why do you ask that? - Because I just got my first ingrown and it's like a big cyst. - Oh. - And it's so painful. - On your conchito?

Don't call that that. What is that? Pussy. Oh. Well, you got an ingrown hair? Yeah, it's so painful. Gross. Because I didn't exfoliate. Right. Once like before your shave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to hear about it. We don't hear it. It's disgusting. Dude, that's disgusting. You know what? And I was looking for advice for you guys. Okay, here's the deal. I'll tell you. Bobby could tell you. Bobby and I both know. To deal with ingrown hairs, you got to use

Witch hazel. Witch hazel. Look this up. I'm not kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look up witch hazel. Look, for people at home, witch hazel is a great ingredient you can put on everything. It reduces inflammation. Right, Los? Look it up. There it is. Yup. Tux cooling pads with witch hazel. This looks nice. Yeah. It protects from irritation, hemorrhoids, and other problems. Tux, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. I mean, what the fuck?