Shownotes Transcript
You two are bad! Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. Yeah. What are you doing with the drink? Give it to the king!
God. Give the king his drink. Drink, dude. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Get him a side table to put that on. Oh, so, hey, hey, hey. Before you do that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you do that. Clear off that table. Bow. Bow to Tom. Take it all off. Bow to Tom. Bow to him. Bow to Tom first. Bow to him. Say, my liege, I am so- My liege.
Say, I am so proud to have met you in person, my liege. It's just from my homeland. Sucky, sucky. Sucky, sucky. Okay, now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let him put drinks on your back until Carlos can clear off the table. Yeah, yeah. Use him as a table. Yeah, use him as a table.
Yeah, good boy. I don't hear anything, no. God damn it! God damn it, man. I think he might have. Oh, there we go. Yeah, you just had to. Yeah, yeah. Did you just, did you do that with your- You can bring it down a little. Okay. I was on the way. Is it high? It's pretty high. That's all right. You can bring it down a little. Sorry, sir. Thank you. I was like, are you deaf? Yeah. What? Wow. Whoa. What, what, what?
I just got it. I'm down by name. You trying to insult our guest? Fancy Spaniard. Yeah, dude. Who do you think you are, bud? We're family? Yeah. That's number one. Number two, he's the king. I know. Number two, number three. Andrew's kind of deaf. Right? Number three. Andrew's what? Kind of deaf. Watch your tone, bud. Bro. You want to get shit back? Bro. You want ice? You want me to send ice? I have a passport now. What?
- Wow. - I'll bring fire, dude. - It is funny, he is a citizen. - That sounds like he just got, did you just get the passport? - About two years ago. - Oh, okay, okay. It sounded like it arrived last week. - No, I have a passport now. - No, he did, he took a citizenship test and he's an American citizen, we're proud of him. - Way to go, man.
USA! I'm not clapping. USA! Tom, let's introduce our guest. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of the most powerful, poignant... It's too much. It's a lot? It's Tom Segura. No, take out poignant. Poignant? And powerful. He is powerful and poignant.
Okay. And he has a show out right now on Netflix called Bad Thoughts, which we are going to sue for as a bad friend's company man. It's right there, right? Are there other words you could have used? Yeah. Bad? Awful. There were about 300. Awful thoughts. It could have been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Atrocious thoughts. Yep. Yeah. Alliteration would have been good, like terrible thoughts. Tyrannical Rex. Well thought.
Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah, yeah. Synonyms for bad. You could have used. Yeah, zoom in, zoom in. Substandard. Unacceptable would have been good. Unacceptable thoughts. Second rate. Oh, yeah. Dreadful. Yeah, dreadful thoughts. Not up to par thoughts. Unlucky thoughts.
Grim thoughts. Have you thought about what you're going to name your special? No, I haven't, Tom. It's one of the worst times you can have. I know. I can't think of it. I just did mine. I know. I know your title is great. I can't say it yet, but I'm excited. I know your title is great. There's this thing, too, when you're naming, and they pointed this out to me because we were submitting just dozens of them. Yeah. Every title sounds fake until it's official.
Right. When you're throwing them around, you're like, that sounds like a made up. That doesn't sound real. Well, ChachiBT says Bobby's comedy special should be called Tiger Dad, Unfiltered Kimchi, The Slap King, Pork Chop Samurai, Undiagnosed, Trauma Llama So Good,
I feel like if you do go with Still Bobby, you got to do one of these poses. How about this? Still Bobby. Still Bobby. Yeah. No, does your title, I was thinking about this because you guys are the pros. Correct.
and you guys are better than me. That's right. Yeah. Keep going. What? As people you mean? People draw better. No, no, no. As people, as comics, as friends, as actors, as writers, as performers, as everything really. Yeah, you know. Take it away. Okay. Now go. Yeah. You're so good. Anyway, um...
Well, I was going to say, does your title have anything to do with your jokes or your theme, or can it just be random? It can be random. All right. Well, why can't I just do the Slept King? You can. Yeah, yeah. Trauma Llama is more fun. Yeah, but I don't have jokes about llamas. I certainly think you could write one. Let's do one right now. Go ahead. What did the llama say to his twin brother llama? What did he say? Yeah.
You can open it. You know, because you're opening it. Pretty good, right? That's dead on. What, go ahead. Well, the opener is your table setter for the hour. So that's a good way to start the hour. Let people know what kind of show they're going to see. Really? Sure. Yeah. Listen, you're a better friend than me, right? And you're a better actor and all that stuff. Correct. He said, right? But what I'm saying to you is that are you being real right now? Yeah. You think that joke I just wrote.
Should be my opening joke. For the special, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you might maybe workshop it a little. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming, man. My first special. San Diego! Hey! Hey! What's up? Trouble Lava! What? Thanks for beating it up, guy. You all right? What did the one lava say to the squid lava, brother? What did he say? What? Everybody's laughing.
Losing it, dude. I'm losing it? My favorite thing you said is it's the table setting for the entire special. And it made me think immediately, I know that's a turn of phrase, but how Bobby has literally never set a table his entire life. I went to etiquette school. No, you didn't. There's a paper in Poway. I have a clipping of it of me going to etiquette school. Why? They took a photo of me. Why did they take a photo of you going to etiquette school? Because I didn't know what a fork was. How old were you? 12 or something. 12.
And so I was like, there's... So yeah, it was like that. And I picked up a fork. What? No, that's not me. Oh. I was picking up a fork, like looking at it like, this is a fork. You know what I mean? And I was like... Dude, you went to etiquette class for how long? Be honest. For like a year. We also learned dancing, ballroom dancing. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. You know what's so funny? Is that you have none of that is in you. Or about like... That's... When I'm...
You know, I love you. And I've introduced you to different people in my life. And all of them are like, where's this fucking alien from? Like within minutes. They're like, this is the least. No, no, fuck off, Tom. I think it's your projection because I'm going to say something. I'll tell you why. We were in Toronto backstage. Yeah. And he said the same exact, privately.
He goes, where are you from? You're so weird. Yeah. And I think that's his own projection. I think I'm normal. Wait, why are you saying he's not projecting? That's hilarious. Yeah. What would he be projecting? Because he's weird. No. I don't think so, dude. You don't think that's weird? I think he's about as low weird on the weird scale as you are the highest of the weird. What's weird about me, though? What's weird?
That you're Peruvian, but you look like a white guy. Okay, that's kind of weird. Sure. I would say that it was interesting, not weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's more interesting than weird. Yeah, yeah. That's like, oh, you're Peruvian. That's interesting. I didn't know that. The only guy that lost weight that looks worse. Wow, dude. Okay. You see what he's doing? I get it. You look great. And by the way, he tried to go to battle with Shane Gillis. Didn't end well. Yeah, it didn't end well. Yeah, yeah. Here's another thing that you're weird. Yeah. You surprise me.
That's weird? Yeah, because it's like you're dynamic, but you hide your talents. What are you fucking talking about? I don't know. Yeah, it's not working. He's not weird. Look, Carlos.
Weird. He's fucking weird, man. We know what weird is. We have it all over. Look at the fucking window of weirdos. He said alien. You are quite alien. So I walk into like a dinner like. Dude, but here's the thing. You take this. You always get defensive like it's a critique. Right. But what I'm saying is that it's a celebration. Like when people meet you, like we've toured together. You came and did bad thought. You did an episode of bad thoughts with me. I have another thing to.
- Let him finish. - Okay, go ahead. - So like in both scenarios, you know, like I go like, oh, here, this is my friend Bobby's great comic and everyone's, you know, it's like, oh cool. Always, if not within the first 20 minutes, within the first few hours, people pull me aside and they're like, yo, this guy's out of his fucking mind.
Dude, story of my fucking life. It's got to be, right? Every day of my life. And why does he react this way, though? He pretends this is an act. He does this because he wants, this is him ramping up. You know how like somebody ramps up? Yeah. He's ramping up silently. Look at him. Go ahead and say what you want to say back. He's not critiquing you. He's just giving you the real world. Okay. Okay. People used to call me eccentric.
eccentric whatever it is yeah that's the one and um expresso yeah and I espresso eccentric can you get me espresso okay I'm an eccentric that's what you should call your special eccentric expresso ah
All right. You're on fire today. Okay, go. So women used to go, you're eccentric. And I Googled it. And I don't think that I'm any of that. You are eccentric. We've looked it up on this show. Yeah, but yeah. So unconventional and slightly strange. But that's about society. Like society tells you how to behave one way. Right. Not everybody is weird about you. Yeah. Here's the deal.
You are eccentric. We love, that's what we like about you. It's the most fun thing. But I honestly, can I just say, oh, can I just, I honestly think that I'm normal. For you, you are. When I wake up, I go, oh, normal. You know what I mean? Like, no, I don't do that. No, no. You were allowed to. No, I don't do that. No, no, no. I go, oh. Good.
No. I go, oh, morning. Yeah. Yeah, like that. Okay, can I give you an example? Okay. Here's the deal. I don't like this. If I said to my mom and dad in Chicago, if I said, Tom Segura's coming over for dinner tonight, they'd go, oh, wow, awesome. Oh, my God. And then if I say, when I said, mom, dad, Bobby's coming up for dinner, my mom goes, really? No. No.
What does he eat? That's a fact. They were there. All right. When I went to your fucking Thanksgiving fucking dinner, right? Yeah. Wasn't I polite? You were. And a joy. It blew my fucking. Because that's who I am. You were putting on an act.
You were putting on. That's who I am. You were putting. That's who I am. I'm a normal dude. How much of an act was he fucking putting on? It was unbelievable. You were watching football with his dad. It's such bullshit. Because that's what I do in my normal life, dude. He's such a liar. You've watched football before? No. No. But it's like, oh, the Kansas City Chiefs are playing the Philadelphia, Philadelphia. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Right? Yeah, yeah. They should change the name. No, they did. They changed it. Philadelphia, Philadelphia. Skyhawks, whatever they are. Skyhawks. It's so close. Yeah, yeah. I think it's Eagles. Hey! There we go. You got it. Okay, name yourself a football team. You want to guess? Pittsburgh. Steelers. Very good. Very good. Detroit? Lions. Chicago? Gotta know that. Bears. Arizona.
Cardinals. Oh, that's good. Wow. You know them all. So that's my point. I act like this in show business areas. Good for you. Right? So I met Chuck Lorre the other day. You know what I mean? Brag. Big brag. Big brag. Was it a general? No, we were just hanging out. Where? Oh, we were just hanging out. Me and Chuck Lorre. And I act weird around him because I'm like, use me as an innocent comedy. Fight.
Five and a half guys or whatever. Right. And so it's like I can see myself like my brother does it. My brother acts weird in front of you. That's not who he is. Right. I've seen both sides of your brother. Yeah. So it's like I think that I kind of like accentuate certain things. You play it up. Right. Yeah, that's normal, though. Thank you so much. Okay. I have a qualm with you. Tell me. Okay. Okay.
This fool, right? You know what? I'll bring it up privately. No, do it now. You might as well do it now. That look was fucking... You have a look now, Dan. Now? Yeah. Yeah, your look now is improved dramatically. What do you mean? He can look at me with an eye or both eyes, if you may, and you can go...
Just when I... Shut the fuck up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I wasn't doing that. He didn't do that, though. I didn't do that. Tell me what the... I'm curious as to what your qualm is. Okay.
Oh, check this out, dude. This is so funny. What? Here, I'm Bobby. Making it up. No, I'm not making it up. I'm not making it up. I'm making it up right now in my head. Making it up. I'm making it up. I'm fucking making it up right now in my head. Go. I'm not going to say it. Oh, come on, bro. Come on, dude. Don't do this. Just do it. What's your qualm? Please. So, the qualm was that you called me. Yeah. Hey, I'm doing a project, right? Mm-hmm. And I go...
And you called me FaceTime. So then I went to your bad thoughts thing. Yeah. And I went to the director. I'm like, I was of the project that you're doing. And I go, am I? I mean, that right. He's like, we'll see. Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. Hold on one second. I'm just going to, who's going to give this story the light. Is this, is that it? Wait, that went to the premiere. That's what you're saying.
And you were worried you weren't in it? You're in the fucking show. No, it was a different project. Oh. What? The movie. The movie, okay. You called me a movie and then when I went to it and talked to the director, he made it seem like I wasn't in it. Maybe you're not. What did he say?
He goes, maybe he was joking, like, we're going to have to audition or something, but you know what I mean? Hmm. Yeah. Interesting. Were you good in the movie, do you think? We haven't done it yet. So what the fuck are you talking about? He's talking about that there's a movie coming up that your offer's coming this week for. Yeah. And...
Oh, wow. You know, I believe that. Yeah, he'll turn it down. He might. You know how he does. He just might. Well, you know what? We can't all do karate ghost. You're a karate ghost?
Dude, this guy... What's Karate Ghost? My favorite thing about Bobby... Sometimes Bobby's like, don't do the Asian accent anymore, man. I'm trying to get away from that kind of shit. And I'm like, okay, fine. What'd you do this week? He's like, I shot Karate Ghost. What is that? Deadline? Yeah. It's not deadline. Belushi, Bobby Lee...
And who else? Tim Rosen, Colton Gobo. Those are fake names. Those are AI. Well, that dude right there is in the new Karate Kid movie. I know, buddy. I'm just teasing. Okay. Wait, so have you... I shot it already. Steve Howie's in it, too. Is it just your voice? No, no. I'm literally in it. But... Ooh, that's on. Stop it. What the fuck? It's a good movie. It's gonna be big. How was it? What?
Steve Howie's in it, by the way. Here's how I know Steve Howie's in it. What? Steve Howie called me. I was at the gym and he called me to say, hey man, did Bobby change his number? I can't get through to him at all. I was like, you got the right number, buddy. Yeah, yeah. I texted him back though. You did. Finally. We called him. Yeah, I called him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Set in a town ruled by an absurd karate law, the film watches a lonely teen form an unlikely bond with the ghost of his late father's favorite action hero. Is that right? Yeah. And then you're the fake. No, I play a sensei.
I do a thick Asian accent. I do a thick Asian accent. I was going to say, how's your English? In it. Is it the kind we all want to hear? All right. But it's based on a popular comic book, right? In the video game? So here's the deal, okay?
I fucking... Look at you in that IMDb photo. That's great, man. Down there. This guy's killing it, man. Yeah, that one. Yeah. That was from a long time ago. 1996. That's when VH1 was still on the air. Yeah, yeah. So handsome. Okay, anyway, this is what happened, Tom. Kick punch. I had to fly...
You had a... Tell me you had what? Come on. Dude, I feel so defenseless. I'm being bullied by both of you. Do you deserve this? I do, I think. You do. I do. Go ahead. I apologize. That's fine. Okay. I didn't show up to a meeting. You?
Yeah. What was it? At noon or something? 10 a.m. in the morning. 10.30. Carlos and I were on the phone with Ireland. We were Zooming with Ireland doing morning press. And they were like, where's Bobby?
Is Bobby going to be coming with you? Yeah. I was like, well, he's not at my house. We have two separate homes, so I don't know where. And they're like, really? Can you get a hold of Bobby? And I was like, I can't. We can't get a hold of Bobby. Yeah, how mad were you? We had this planned for weeks. How mad were you? I said, you're right, Irishman. We have had this planned for weeks. Yeah, I can't believe Bobby's not on the call. I was like, I can't either. You know what, dude? He never does stuff like this. And the Irishman goes, oh, that's so disappointing. I thought we'd get you together and you'd be goofing together. And I said, me too. Me too, bud. Me too.
I don't know how many times I have to fucking apologize for it. Karate Ghost. Can we not talk about Karate Ghost? I just want to finish the story. You didn't even tell me, by the way. About what? Well, you had asked me about you and bad thoughts. And you're like, is it funny? Is it good? And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, thank you so much for doing it. Did you watch it? You know he didn't watch it. You didn't watch it? No fucking chance. You didn't watch yourself? No. No. Okay.
Well, so what happened was this, okay? What happened was... I'll tell you what happened. So Gilbert from Tiger Belly... Correct. I made him watch it. So he saw the whole show. So you paid another guy to watch your scene for you. And then before... Because, you know what I mean? And he goes...
Your sketches is not as strong as the other sketches. Is it your fault? I know. Just listen to what I'm saying, Tom. I don't want to bring you all around. All right. So what I'm saying is that and so I'm like, oh, but I have to say I've gotten gotten a lot of Texas. How great I was in it. You're so funny in it. So my point is, is that thank you so much. OK, you were you were really great. Honestly, thank you. Why didn't you want to watch it? Andrew, do you watch everything you're in?
No, but I watch everything you're in. I know. And I watch Nikki Nikki. Did you? Nikki Stinicky? Yeah. What's it about? It's about golf, baby. That's right. Very good. Say less. Anyway, so I don't watch things that I'm in. Me neither. Right.
But sometimes I force myself to. You know what I mean? I'm trapped into it. You're going to be happy with yourself in this one day when you see it. You're very funny in it. Also, if it was shown at the premiere, I would have been forced to watch it. But based on the other sketches on the show, let me say this, okay? I was talking to my date about it. And I go, number one, I've never seen anything like it.
Okay, number two, it's shot like a film. Number three, it's crazy funny. So what I'm saying is that thank you for putting me in it. Yeah, yeah. I think it's prestigious. And I want to say that congratulations. Okay, thanks, buddy. Jesus fucking Christ.
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Yeah. Yeah. You know when he chases, this is a fun, I bet you, I wonder if your guys do this. Like after the show's done, you know, we're done, we're wrapping up, we're saying goodbye. And then he'll, they'll follow you to your car to ask you one thing, not in front of everybody else. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, Andrew, Andrew. And he chased me to the parking lot. I go, what's up, man? He's like, I was just wondering. And as he's doing this, I'm getting into my car. I'm like,
I'm already gone. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm leaving. You know what I mean? It's like a kid being like, when will you be back, dad? I'm like, I'm not coming back, buddy. Your mom has you now. And he goes, maybe do you think you will be in the movie? Maybe. What did I say? I say yes. Yeah. I said, of course I will.
Yeah, but you're not. This is a movie you're faking? Yeah, there's no way. Yeah, there's no fucking way, dude. Yeah, he went to film school or whatever. Yeah, it's bullshit. Total fucking bullshit. We had a real director here two weeks ago. Yeah, we had David Mamet sitting in this room. Yeah, David Mamet. I think we're going to work with this fucking guy. Yeah, yeah. We are. We're going to do your movie, and I can't wait to do it.
I'm excited to do it. Andrew, I hope you consider the movie that we're... I don't know, man. You know what? What? I am very excited to even... We don't have... You have to tell me. No one's told me anything. No, it's coming this week. Oh, it is? I swear to you, it's coming this week. Wait, wait, wait. Are you being fucking... No, I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry, right? And I don't like your mischievous smile. Why? Okay. Are you saying to me this? Yeah. Okay. Tell me. And I'll be open. Yes. And I'll accept it. Okay. Okay.
What you're telling me, Mr. Segura, is that you're going to offer him a part in your movie, okay? Yes. Through his agency. Yes. Right. Or my agent's going to call me. You're going to audition for it. To be honest, because we're friends. I love you so much. I love you too. We did Indian seances in Canada, right? We've gone through so much together.
Yeah. Okay. What are you asking? Ultimately, what are you asking? Am I going to get an offer? Oh, you want to get an offer for the movie? Yeah, because you're getting one. We don't know that. You just said it. We don't know that. Okay. Hypothetically, would I get one? Not hypothetically. Am I getting one? I don't know yet.
I, because I. Why are you doing a good job at that thought? It's not like that. It's not like that. You don't understand, man. There's a lot of, it's not me going, him yes, him no. It's not like that. Oh, you don't think I know how movies work? Well, then why are you yelling? Look at my IMDb, guy. Let's check out his IMDb. Oh, here we go. Now you're going to fucking shame me, dude. No, what's your problem? You're probably going to get something you never know. Okay, let's see this IMDb. No, just kidding.
Look at that. Stacked. Shit. Stacked. So many. What else do you need? God damn. Look at that. Right there. Kicking it old school. Chilly chill. I mean, it never ends. What's your favorite thing that's on there? Do you have one favorite? He's got to fix the mic. Bad thoughts. Oh, stop. Hello. Listen, I'm being real. Yeah. Let's be real for a second. I know how the biz works. Do you? He's a great actor. Yeah. And I understand why you would...
And I'll catch you on the flip side. On the flip side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll catch you on the flip side. But it's not like, it's definitely not like that. Yeah. No, it's not. But, you know. I'm going to tell you, can I cut this off and change this? Change the subject. I want to say something. Okay, let's get real. We are a little heartbroken. We do miss you. It's a little annoying that everyone left us. Can we be honest and tell our friends that everybody left us? We're here alone on this little island.
Yeah. Also, it's going to die out there. Oh, yeah. He's trying to curse it. Well, he was telling me that in 2020. Right. He's like, you don't feel the fucking wave coming back here right now? I go, no. No. I did say that, huh? You did. You know what? I think we're jealous.
It's not jealous. We miss our friends. I miss... It's like when half the community moves. You know what I mean? It's like Game of Thrones. Yeah. It was so fun, by the way, to be in the store the other night when we ran into each other in the store. That was such a fun night. That was a fun night. Felt like the old days I heard. The old days. You know what I mean? I remember when Rogan was there, you, all these guys. You know what I mean? Seth?
Seth Rogen, yeah. And all those guys. God, you're so quick today. Thanks, man. God, you're so good. Now you turn it up. Good sleep? Yeah, did you? Not really. I can tell. Why? Because your demeanor. Oh, my demeanor's off? You're slower today. You sound slurry. Really? It's early for you. Yeah, it's early for me. Wait, how? This is early? Very early. Oh, yeah. Too early. What's a normal wake-up time? I know we've talked about it, but I don't remember. Yeah. Four-ish.
No. When I have nothing. Yeah. When I have nothing to do. Right. So when I have nothing. Dude, how funny is that? How funny is that for you to fucking say that to me in front of my fucking face? When I have nothing to do. We have so much going on.
And it's so funny. What he's saying is when Andrew has all the stuff to do and I don't do any of it, I get to fucking sleep till five. It's amazing. That's insane, bro. He sleeps till 4 p.m. And then we shoot at 6 or 7 p.m. usually. I don't have children. Neither do I. We have jobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so to get up at 4, what time did you go to sleep, though? Well, last night, for instance, if I may. Yeah, you may. All right, so I was playing Oblivion.
but watching House of the Dragon at the same time. Oh, Double Down. Yeah, it was Double Down again. I love it. You know what I mean? But with Oblivion, I can just wander. Right. You don't need to really be in the game. I pick up mushrooms. You know what I mean? You're foraging and stuff. Well, I'm an alchemist in the game. Right, of course. So I like making potions and stuff. You know what I mean? You're quite the alchemist in the real world as well, Mike. Yeah, and then taking Grand Soul Gems, triggering me to Black Soul Gems. You know what I mean? But you are slurring. Is that from a thing? No.
I haven't slept good last night. Okay. It's not like a neurological condition or something. Are you being fucking real right now? You think I'm slurring? Well, you said, I'm having mushrooms. Yeah, you did slur. Okay. He is right. Well, I'll be more clear then. Okay, okay. All right. So what I'm going to say, just to make it dumb. Let me finish. Let me finish. Okay. So then the birds tweet. Chirp. Chirp. Very good. Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.
Sounds like I'm teaching you English. Yeah, you're right. I literally had one hour of sleep last night. Wait a minute. What? You're playing the game. The movie's on. TV show. And then what? It's 5, 6 a.m. later? 5, 6 a.m. And then I go, bath time. He takes a bath. He loves morning baths. So I have buckets in the bathtub. And also my tree tea oil. Tea tree.
Whatever. We're going to figure it all out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Tea tree. Tea tree oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had one hour of sleep. So I'm like really tired right now. Did you go on a date? Were you going on a date last night though? No, no date. Don't lie. Swear to God. Wait, so the bath is over around 7, 8 a.m.? It's called a Korean ritual. Okay. Okay. Do you get body scrubbed too? You got scrubbed? So I have two scrubbers. One for my feet and one for my whole body. What are the buckets for in the tub?
Because when you do that, right? Yeah.
Then I take the bucket, fill it with warm water, and I pour it over my back. Oh, wow. You're super Korean. Yeah, yeah. I lay there, listen to music, and then it's 10. And it's 10? Yeah. Now it's 10, man. Now it's 11, right? That's when I'm on the call with Ireland. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly. And then what happens is I hear my dogs in the backyard because my bedroom is
You'd have a pool and a really nice backyard. Yeah, I mean, you don't have to flex that hard. He does, dude. I was in bed. I took a shot. Yeah, we know. And now I'm like, oh my God, the dogs are running around. I'm fucked. Right, they're hungry. They have to eat and piss and shit. So then I double checked my fucking phone to see if the alarm was on. It was. It was on, yeah. Yeah. And then I went to sleep. Okay. So what's up? What's up, brah? What's up? You got a problem with that, brah? So that's about 11.30.
No, that's a normal day. You're not a weird guy. But normally, like for instance, the Karate Ghost week. Well, your filming is a different thing. So if I have a 5 a.m. call time, I'm there. Yeah, I was going to say, how hard is it for you to pivot when you're working in a production? I don't sleep. You just don't.
I just show up like fucking no sleep. So you show up and then... But then if I have two days in a row, then that night I'll sleep at seven. Right, you'll just pass out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he knows the lines. Yeah, he's a pro. I do. I know my lines. He'll show up knowing the lines. That is a fact. He does show up knowing the lines and he shows up on time. You know what I'm getting better at though? Hmm? Memorizing lines when I'm there. It's giving you more incentive to not memorize lines. No, no, no. What I'm just saying, I still memorize them, but there was one day where I was like,
I was so tired. I'll just do it in the morning. Right. Right. And it was a lot of pages. Oh, shit. And I could just do it quickly. What? You're really solidifying your offer from the new movie. Well, yeah, that's just I just get panicked if you're like, well, you're the lead. You're number one on the call sheet for that. Yeah. Yeah. So you have a lot of lines. That's true. And that horror movie did really good. Yeah. Yeah.
I think the best number to see. What was that movie called? The one that I had a role in? Yeah, you were like the VHS clerk. Oh, Countdown. Countdown, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring it up. I want to see a photo of it. I love that movie. Yeah. When I saw Cigar, because I watch every horror movie. Type in his name with the countdown. Actually, the scene for me is. There he is. No, but the. Look at the acting. The scene with the, next to it.
Yeah, in the cell phone store. That goes like, that's like, even like hood clips where we play it because people love a customer service guy being like, hey, fuck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love, honestly, I love Drew's scenes in that movie. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, yeah, thanks. But yeah. That is on hood clips, 100%. A thousand percent. That's Worldstar's favorite shit. They're like, hey, and then people comment like, well, she deserves it. She was talking shit. Yeah, bitch deserved that shit. Get up on my motherfucking man's face. Yeah, man.
Yeah. Too much? You did it. I know, but we're doing it in context. You know what I mean? Oh. What? No, that's good. All right. Okay. You know my favorite thing to watch? By the way, it's graduation season, and black graduation is the greatest thing in the world. Have you watched black high school graduation? Oh, yeah. They're losing their mind. I love it. Most fun I've ever seen. Yeah, I love it. That one where it was like all women just fucking absolutely. Going fucking off.
- Give me videos, go to YouTube. Go to YouTube and just do black graduation celebration. - Oh, yeah, it's wild. And then sometimes it goes from these incredible like dance, you know, like celebratory things to just an all out riot. - Oh yeah, yeah, it's a fist fight. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. - Yeah. - Amazing. - You know what they call that? - Huh? - Joy. - Yeah, joy and happiness. - You went to college, Tom? - Look at this, look.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Bounce, bounce. Hey, hey. That's so cool. Bro, I fucking love this. That is so cool. I fucking love this so much. I love you so, so, so much.
Damn. Oh, my God. It's so good. It's so good. This is it. My grandma. All right. That's it. And then a white person has to ruin it with salt. Here's some turmeric. That kid's moves were so unreal. So fucking good. So good. But I'm saying, though, how has this not been? How is this now? It's just like new to us. I know. Well, you guys are white people are stiff and they don't know joy. You don't think white people know joy? Right.
at a level you think Asian graduations are buck like that are you out of your fucking mind what do you mean you think an Asian graduation celebration would be fucking wild Asian graduation okay look up the oh hold on Carlos look at me Carlos look at me look up the graduation where people can wear whatever they want in Japan go ahead I'm gonna prove you wrong for once in my life what is it hello kitty shit all over the fucking place no just listen
So people can... That's joy, dude. Yeah, yeah. Time out. Yeah, yeah. You guys are so repressed. No, no, no.
As a culture that you're like, you have to dress up like weird fantasy creatures in order to feel something. No, it's expression. No, because they're not allowed to express any other time of day. They have to be head down on the train, quiet. Okay, is this a... Look at them. And they also wear masks that you can't even actually express yourself in. Right, it's not even them. It's just like mascot helmet. Yeah, but with the head...
On and off, it's the same thing. Their faces are the same. This is repression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is heavy repression. Is this oppression? What is that? It's a ninja. Oh, my God, dude. That's expression. What's your little sarcastic... Bomb? That's expression. Oh, that's Nagasaki?
Was it a joke or was it... That felt like Hiroshima. Oh, that was more Hiroshima. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was definitely Hiroshima. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cloud was a bit... Don't even try... Don't try to play like you're... Asians are stiff as fucking whites. Black people celebration is individual to them. You don't get to fucking... Tom... You don't get to be on that side of the fence. Tom...
Were you for once, because you've been the duo against Papa? That's bullshit. So what I'm saying is for once, is that a form of expression? Is that a form of expression? Yes. Yeah, I mean, it's a very repressed expression. But yes, it is an expression. This does not happen at Korean graduate. This is Japan. You don't get to do that. Okay, we're talking about the race. I feel like if a Korean kid smiles at graduation, it's just...
No. All right. Don't smile. Now give me a wild white fucking graduation celebration. Shooting guns at each other. Yeah. She's like, hey, I'm going to wear my blue. Yeah. No, my case was black people celebrate like no one else. You can't lump Asians into there. Yeah. I'm just. You guys don't do it. We're in the mid.
If blacks are tens or fives, you're zero. You're above whites. Okay, okay. Yes, that is the question. Thank you, sir. That's all I wanted to hear. But you're not near them. Are they? Yeah, they're above whites. For their celebrating? I would say for their oddity, their culture of oddity. They're weirdos. Oh, right. Yeah, they're weirdos. Yeah. You're the fucking king of the weirdos right here. Yeah. You know, I just got it. It's your American lens. Okay.
You're fucking American. Okay, so what I'm saying to you- You're from San Diego. That's about the whitest place on planet Earth. You have to wear a new pair of glasses. I got LASIK. No, no, I'm just saying. You have to look at life with a different lens. Go on. A different perspective. Well, teach me. What I'm saying is that culturally, we're Americans, right? I dabble in Asian though.
I dabble in Asian as well. Do you dabble in Asian? Oh, yeah. You know, the way I walk and the way I behave, maybe it's a cultural thing that I'm from Asia. It's a Bobby Lee thing. And you perceive it as to be, you know what I mean, weird. You're one of one. When I'm just one of a billion. Nobody's like you. No, I don't think so. No, nobody's like you, dude. I have met other Asians. None of them are like you. None of them are like you. Jimmy O. Yang, nothing like you. Mm-hmm.
Well, I was molested and beat by my dad. That's what happened. That's white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, you are like us. That's our thing. And you need to go back to etiquette school, if we're being honest. Yeah, you do. Really? I think you should probably do a little course. Where are you going to go now? I'm not going to attack you. I'm going to walk you into a dinner. Oh, he's walking into a dinner. Anybody order Chinese? Hey, buddy. Hello, sir. How you doing? Excuse me. Wow. What do you think?
It looked good. Thank you. That was really respectful. Yeah. Very. And like your Thanksgiving thing. Mike, my Thanksgiving dinner with my parents? Yeah. What a lovely time. So he was super polite there. Dude, it was so fucking annoying. My mom literally goes, it was so good that everyone came over. I was like, no, it was nice. And she was like, and Bobby. Oh, so, you know, he's so sweet. And I was like,
You have no fucking idea, dude. It was such an act. It was such a fucking act. He had that glimmer in his eye. Like when he said goodbye, he turned to me and he was like, okay, bye. And then you're me. He turned and went like this. I did not do that. Fucking devil. Yeah, dude. You did. What was my prayer? Oh, dude. Dude, Tom, I did a Thanksgiving prayer at the table. Oh, my God. How great was that? It was, you know, it was him. Are you still married to that lady? Yeah. He's the best. Yeah.
I saw her in the... You gotta get out of that, dude. I know. You gotta get out of that, dude. No, she's still there. Kids aside. But you've won the lottery in a way. Yeah, you have a fucking rad wife. She's awesome. But not just that. It's like if I was doing a comic...
or married to one, it's rare to find a super funny one. And ones that last. I know this is cornball shit, but honestly, I'm always... It is funny. You two, the only other comic couples that's married, and obviously you've been married much longer, Moshe and Natasha. Yeah. And... Oh, you're talking about comics. Comics that are married. Yeah. Mark Norman and his... Mark Norman and his wife. Yeah, that's right. Comics. But that's also new. They've been married for way longer. Andy and...
Rosebud Baker comics. New. Newer. Newer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there's the other. Fun game. Fuck, this is too many more people than I thought. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it Hannah? Hannah Burner. Oh, Hannah Burner and her husband. Yeah, yeah. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Yeah, both good stand-ups. Yeah, yeah. What I'm saying. What are these lists? Persons. AI things. Yeah, it's wrong. But the proof is. The point is, it's incredible that you two have stayed together. Yeah.
this long being both comedians and both reserving your career and no one had to stop. But all those examples is that they all are both funny. Yeah. You know what I mean? I've never seen like a really great comic bury an open mic-er. You know what I mean? No, that wouldn't work. I don't think it would work. Bye, friends. You might. Okay, anyway. You might have a harem.
So it does, yeah. You guys are together. And that's great. Let's celebrate that. Christina's great. She's awesome. We fucking, we love her. And she's a good actress. She was great in Bad Talk. Great mom. Great fucking, yeah, she's the best, man. But honestly, be real with us. Yeah.
You don't miss us at all? I miss you guys crazy. Can I tell you this too? This is also totally sincere. Man, this show is so fucking funny. This fucking dumb show? This dumb show. This is the only, one of the only things that like, you know, we all are scrolling all the time. I watch every clip of your guys' show. Ah, Tommy, come on. No, I'm serious. I would share the same sentiment, but I can't watch Bort.
No. I'll watch you. I can't watch Bort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't even see fucking Burt anymore. I'm joking around Burt. Oh, yeah, Burt's the one. I can't even see Burt anymore. Because of his appearance? Yeah. I can't be near him. No, we never see him fucking anymore. He's the only guy that stayed in LA. And how often do you see Burt, for real? Not much. I went over to his house. We had a little get-together. You came.
But then outside of that, he's never here. But do you really miss him? You miss your friends? I do a lot. We do a lot, actually. It kind of sucks. Remember I did a little dance when you were sitting back there? Yeah. So he's in the back bucket booth. I can't hear a word you just said. Yeah, he's in the back booth, like the little chairs in the back. Oh, he's in the buckets, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What didn't you understand? It was a rough sentence. It was rough. It was rough.
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Crank it up, man. Let's go. All right. So anyway, I was sitting in the back. Yeah. And I walked in. I did a little dance in front of you. You did. Because I was so happy to see you. Yeah. It really was. It was fun memories, man. Being there was super fun. The store is not the same, but it's okay. Things change. They come and they go. Are you going up at the mothership a lot or no?
Well, I've been on tour so much that I'm not one of those people when you get off of a week of grinding, you get home, you're like, I got to get back on stage right away. I don't do that. Bobby. Yeah. You're that.
You'll always just get up. You'll just go, go, go. You'll just do it again. That's good. That's good. I still go. I went two weeks ago. Yeah. So it just depends on the time. But this summer, I'm not going to tour. What's on the docket for the summer? Vacay? A little vacay, and then we shoot something. Can we guess whether he's going to vacation? Let's guess. Oh, Bora Bora. No. I don't know what that is. Something more elevated. That's in Tahiti. That is? Okay. Elevated.
Well, I'm going to say this about him. We did a show in Vegas. We went to that Jose Andres. What's his name? Jose Andres. Andres. Hey, hey. Fucking hometown guy. Yeah, yeah. And I thought to myself, oh, this is how he eats. What do you mean this is how he eats? High level. Huh? High level food. High level everything. How much did he order? I don't remember. No, it was a... You ordered for everybody. Yeah, we had a feast. It was a feast. It was a feast.
It was the greatest steak I've ever had. Ever.
I think so because it was the way – because they gave us a plaque. You know, sometimes when you get like a Japanese Wagyu, he just says it on the menu. This dude came up with an authentic – like a stamp from some Asian dude. He stamped the Wagyu. No, the Asian dude. It's a gold like – you know like Game of Thrones where you would like – you know what I mean? Put like wax to hold it together or whatever. Yeah.
And it was like signed by some Japanese dude. You know what I remember about this dinner too? It was a big dinner. It was probably like 15 of us or something. All right. And we had a security guy like assigned to us for this weekend. Yeah. And he was like, he came over to me. I thought he was going to tell me like,
something related he goes uh uh is it cool if my uncle comes by what he goes just to like uh you know meet you and i go are you working right now he was like what'd you say i said of course yeah and then um you know we're having dinner and then the security guy and then there's just some guy just unk yeah and he goes uh
yeah come over here oh you want to get up from eating i got up from the table and i was like what's up man he goes hey i go hey he goes yeah i live here i go cool i'm having dinner wow wow did he sit down with us no he did not okay good but he's been funny as shit if he sat down oh my god can i get a plate you're like i guess dude showed me like photos of some shit he's working on this is at the restaurant at like during i love this guy i
I like when people are bold like that. I fucking think that's funny as shit. You think so? I think it's funny. It would bother you. It was very funny. I think it would bother you. I'd laugh about it, but we talk shit about it. I know. It's both. But it's also hilarious. Yes. What circumstance would you not take a photo with somebody?
Dude, I've... Funeral, obviously. Funeral, yeah. Oh, that's my best. I look my best in a suit. I'm wearing a fucking suit. All right. Take a photo. I don't have that thing, dude. Like, I've been around friends of ours who I'm like, oh my God, when they go, when they're like, no, not now. Like, all that shit. I've never done that. Never. I haven't either. I mean... The only time... I've done it for...
- Other people, if that makes sense. - Ah yeah. - You know, like one time I was at a dinner with Rogan and I see a guy, like, there's like a plant in the restaurant and he's like, and I go, "Hey man, what are you doing?" And he's just like, I go, "He's having dinner." So I did it for him. - Right. - I would never do it for me. - I can come up with some scenarios where you wouldn't do it. - Well, okay, if my kids were around. - When you're skydiving. - I was just gonna say, if you're with your family,
If you're skydiving, you won't do it. Bungie jumping. If you were in like a war, like, you know what I mean? Like you're Russian and then you're fighting Ukraine. And the Russian guy goes. Photo? Yeah, yeah. Hey, can I get the photo? Not right now. No, honestly, only, I think I told the story on here. I was sitting down. We just got off a long flight. My wife and I are sitting down to have dinner. And this guy like barges up to the table and just,
doesn't even acknowledge my wife like stares right at me like but like basically bumps into her way he's like yo dude i'm a fucking huge trend let me get a photo and that line of questioning also let me get a photo like what dude fuck i was like dude i go brother i'm at dinner with my wife you need to fucking chill the fuck out like you were being a little too and he went sat down and then the server comes over with a bucket of ice and a bottle of champagne and
And I was like, no, no, no, we didn't, we're not drinking. We're not ordering any booze. And she's like, no, no, this is from a gentleman in the restaurant. I was like, oh fuck. I don't, we hate champagne. Yeah. Like we don't, I don't like champagne. I don't like champagne either. I fucking hate it. And I was, and she's like, it's one of this, you know, and the guy's like, oh, it's a really nice bottle. I was like, okay, don't open it. And they're like, don't open it. I was like, just put it in the thing. And I go, who's the guy? And,
And then they lead me around the side. It's the guy. It's the same guy. And I walked it up to him and I go, Hey man. And then he goes, dude, I just wanted to apologize. I'm so sorry. I took care of your meal. I, that was so fucking rude. And I was like, buddy, you're the man. I go, I don't drink champagne to your habit to take it. He had like three girls with him. I was like, do your thing. Thank you. And then I said, let's take a photo.
But that turned out the right way. Sure. But it was cool move on him. He was like, I paid for your meal. I was like, oh, that's fucking. That's nice. But at the beginning, I was very like, dude, get the fuck out of here. Are you, do you shut people down? Never, but there's some annoying circumstances. If somebody did that, if you're at dinner with a girl and somebody barged in, like ignored them, you'd be mad. You'd be like, dude, that's fucking crazy rude. I had a guy come up to me and from behind and I feel arms wrapped around me.
on the side like this. He's come on, man. Like that. Without even asking. Yeah. I mean, he just snuck in and like, let's, you know what I mean? I was like, what are you doing? Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. I'll always take a photo, but if it's, I'm with, if I'm with my wife at dinner, I'm like, dude, that's fucking dinner, man. That's insane. But also the kind of person that just,
is chill about, is like thinks that that's chill, you're like, are you okay? Yeah. I'm at dinner. We're eating food. That's the worst time to approach someone. Hands down. Yeah. Well, just any other time. Shitting also. I don't know.
I actually would. I did have one time at a urinal. The guy next to me goes like, no shit. And I go, hey. And he goes, nice to meet you. And he sticks his hand up. And I go, I'll wait. Yeah, that's so crazy. We're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where would you not take a photo? Me specifically? Yeah, you. Like I said, funeral. I wouldn't do it if I was like...
AA meeting. You can't. AA meetings. Do you get asked to take pictures at AA? Bro, one time I was at an AA meeting and it was a big one. It was in Louisville, Kentucky. Those are big. Yeah. No. It was a speaker meeting. Fuck ground zero. Right, right. That's where bourbon is made. Yeah, yeah. You're talking about two, 300 people there, right? Damn. And so in AA meetings, they always go, is there any from out of town? Yeah.
Right. But that was my mistake. Would you please introduce yourself? I go, hi, I'm Bobby. I'm from Los Angeles. I've been sober for whatever the time it was, 12 years, whatever. And I sat back down after the meeting.
There was a line. Yeah. To take a photo with me. And I just went, I can't do this. Yeah. I just, it's just, it's because. It's an invasion of your privacy. But not only that, it's just like, you know, I go to regular meetings. You know what I mean? Sometimes I go to celebrity ones, but like, you know. He does. He loves celebrity meetings. Yeah. Who's going to be there? No. Oh. Who else is getting clean? I want to ask you a question. And obviously I'm not asking you to reveal anything.
details, but in a broader sense, have you ever been to a celebrity meeting where a celebrity reveals their
Oh, yeah. And it's just like your dopamine rush is just like, wow. Oh, yeah. I've heard some crazy shit from gigantic people. Really? Fuck. I go to this meeting. I'm going to tell you what night. Yeah, yeah. But it's an all men's meeting. Thursday. What? Thursday. No, it's not Thursday. No, it's Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. And it's invite only. And it's all legendary rock stars. Mm-hmm. Okay? Yeah.
And I got in it way back in the day when I was on Mad TV, when I got sober then. You have to get recommended. It's like Raya. Somebody has to recommend you. No, somebody has to go up to the guy and go, can this guy come? Right. You know what I mean? Right. And I've been turned down by celebrity meetings. You know that? No. I swear to God. What, do they check your star meter? Why the fuck would they? No, no. When I first got sober this time, remember? Yeah, when you were kicking the habit. That was in 2022. Yeah, kicking the habit. My therapist goes, you should contact this person because he has a really good meeting.
So I called this guy. Paul Rubens. And I go, can I, I just got sober again. Can I go to your meeting? He goes, you're not big enough. No. Yeah. He said that for real? But honestly. It hurt me. I do know who the guy was. Yeah. I wasn't big enough. You're not big enough. I'm not big enough. But he hasn't seen Bad Thoughts. Maybe you call him again. That's also true. Yeah. But I went to this, so this Monday night, and it's like, it's so intimidating. Yeah.
Yeah, because I have pride in that meeting. Is the person who said you're not big enough a huge name, though? Yeah. Oh, they are, too. Yeah. And they were like, sorry, man. Yeah, it's just you can't go. Maybe do a Marvel thing. I should get sober just to see if I could get into better. I would relapse then. Fucking love that. If you called me and go, hey, he let me in the meeting, I would be like. What?
How funny would that be if I got into more important meetings than you? Dude, you got to do it. I'm going to do it, dude. I'm going to do it. Yeah, yeah. It's weird, but I like to go to regular ones like the plumbers and all that stuff because it's like I want to feel normal. Yeah, but also like you're also the... No, wait. That's not... No. What I'm saying... Let me rephrase that. But don't you want to be the big shot at the... No, no, no. He does. Yes. He does. Yes.
Cut all that out. Shut up. Cut that out. Stop it. They're all like, we're just regular guys. And you're like, me too. No, because with alcoholism, right? It's just like you want to have commonality with people. Yeah. And a connection, right? And I want to bond people through alcoholism. Do you share a lot? Are you a sharer? I do. You do? Yeah. Dude.
He loves to share. Yeah. He gets up there. In fact, he kills. You know what I don't like? When it's like, so there's two types of, there's three types of meetings. Okay. Okay. Speaker meeting. Right. And then there's like a circle where everyone shares, but the worst kind, and I went to one Tuesday like this, where it was like, anyone can share it, but you have to raise your hand. Right. So I can't, me, me, I can't do it. No. Right. Right.
And so when somebody doesn't raise their hand, they'll pick somebody. So sometimes I'll go pick, you know what I mean? But I can't raise my hand. Because you feel like it's too desperate? Yeah, I just want to, yeah, because it's like, you know, and I'm always- Because you're an attention whore. No, I'm not! No, we all, we're stand-ups. Oh, yeah, I am, I am. Yeah, we are, you are. Yeah, I am. You're an attention, look at how you just reacted to that. You're an attention whore. Yeah. And those things are-
I mean, that's... So you'll speak, but not if you have to raise your hand. So in what circumstance do you... So some meetings are this. He wants them... He doesn't want to... He doesn't want to be like... Pick me. Yes. Some meetings are like this where the secretary... This is... We point to you. You don't raise your hand. Those are ones I like. You like that. Yeah. Yeah. Could you share something with us that you've shared at one of those? Really? Sure.
Because if I say it, it's going to cringe. No, we won't. I promise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're your friends. Well, I'll give you an example. You know what I mean? I'll say something like, you know, Socrates once said, a life not self-examined is not a life worth living. You know what I mean? And so what I love about AA is it's internal.
You know what I mean? And it's like, it's about looking in the mirror and looking inside yourself. And so, you know, I do the steps, you know, I think it's very important, you know, the weight lifted from eight and nine, you know what I mean? Is absolutely incredible. You know what I mean? And I think it's very, that kind of thing. Thank you, Robert. That like that. And then everybody, well, no, but sometimes they'll have a music and they'll play you off.
They'll play you off like the Emmys? That's incredible. Like they know when you're done? Yeah, yeah. Wow. You're like talking about, yeah, I was molested. Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Really cool. Yeah, and you're like, okay, I'm done. Yeah, yeah. I think that's pretty incredible that you give them that shtick. I have so many different shticks I can use. You know what I mean? When are you actually being real? When there's a hot girl there. No, dude. How many times have you scooped one up? A million times.
No. AA? Yeah. One. One. Throughout my whole life, Sarah. Oh, Sarah. That's right. Yeah. I shouldn't blow her anonymity, but yeah, that was the only one. I don't go there to hook up. It's against the code? No. They call it the 13th step. What is that? It's these... It's so gross. It's like these old timers, people with type... Men and women, they see a newcomer and they go in.
That's the 13th step. Yeah, it's not in the steps, but it's like... Oh, I know. It's a hypothetical. You're taking advantage of people's vulnerability and desperation because you don't get sober unless you lost a lot. You know what I mean? No. No, if you lost a lot, you get...
Did I say that wrong? I have no idea. You have to be a very low point in your life to get sober. People that are newcomers have lost a lot. Right. You know what I mean? And they've, you know... Well, it's a great place to be a predator is what you're saying, right? What I'm saying is that some people, not probably 1%, right,
they'll go in and not predator, but they'll like, you know, Hey, let me take you to after the meeting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take it to lunch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me pick you up for meetings when their intention is this girl's hot. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's unfathomable. And I think it's fucking wrong.
Wow, you're a really good person. It's not that. It's just here's the thing. And let's be real for a second, okay? The whole point of it is to get out of yourself. Right? So when there's a newcomer, like if I'm sitting there in a meeting and a newcomer goes, I'm a newcomer, I'll always reach my hand out and go, hey, man, welcome. If you need anything, let me know. Nice. I think you're being a jerk. Jerk.
I said that's nice. Yeah, when you do this, though. Well, I'm listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, let's move on from that. No, I said that's nice. I was being nice. I was being generous. What, what, Tom? You'll also welcome like an attractive woman, right? You'll welcome them? If you need anything. Yeah. No, but anyway, you inspired me. You've inspired all of us, Tom. Yeah. And the biggest bummer of all is...
We don't get to see you more. I know, dude. But the only way we can see you is by watching Netflix. Bad Thoughts. Bad Thoughts. Available right now on Netflix. Yeah. Streaming. Name some of the other people that are in this fucking thing. So, Shea Whigham's in it. Boom. Who's also in the new Mission Impossible. Phenomenal. Awesome time for us. When I saw him. Can he finish? Uh,
Dan Stevens. Dan Stevens. Incredible actor. Yes, true. Daniela Pineda. Phenomenal. She's phenomenal. Who else? Roberto Lee. Bobby Lee. Roberto Lee. Roberto Lee. Oh my God. Rob Eiler. Kirk Fox. Kirk Fox. Kirk's right in there. He's fantastic in it. Malin Bard. Christina Pajitsky. Alan Rachel. Rachel Bates.
Rachel Bloom? Alan Barnholtz? That's right. Eichstadt. Eichstadt? Yeah, yeah. I've just seen with him. I love Alan. Joseph Rogan. Yep.
None other than Joseph Rogan. What did Joe do in that? He plays a gay, like a regular gay. That's so great. And Sickler, Sick Dog. Oh yeah, Sickle Cell. The boy. Sickle Cell's in it? Yeah. Wow. Did you ever try to convince him to move down to Austin, Sickle? We've talked about it. You know, everybody at some point has talked about it. And then even now, people go like, I gotta get out of this city. They'll say it now. I guess maybe post-fires and shit, people start talking about it more. Yep.
Yeah, I don't know. We should get a place down there. No. That'd be fun. Why? I still love it here, though. I have to say that. I do love it. You love L.A.? I love L.A. I love your house. The one that burned down? Yeah, I mean, before, I mean, burned down after you left, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went to that house? Yeah. His entire family was in that house when it burned down.
Really? It's extremely offensive, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we talk about, I tried to bring up the last episode, but then we made a joke out of it. Mm-hmm. But I'm being real, okay? Be real. Have you heard of King Charles? It's a dog, right? Why are you trying to push this on us? Because I want you to, so can I tell you who it is? My opinion. Yes. My guess is that the girl you're dating has a King Charles. No, it's not about King Charles the dog. It's a dog name. God, that's an adorable dog. No.
King Charles the alpha dog. What is this? That guy. What about him? Oh, yeah. This video is great. Yeah, it's so great. So what? See that? I'm just trying to ingest. So basically in China. You haven't seen this video? I have never seen it. Yeah. Right in China. Oh, I know how the video ends then. No, it's not like that. It's a sanctuary. So there's a dog sanctuary, right? And there's hundreds of dogs there, right? Yeah.
I'm boring you? No, it's just, I mean, so many jokes are running through my head. It's unbelievable. I mean, you're like literally, I'm like loading a gun. I know. You're like, in China, there's a hundred dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kept as a sanctuary. I'm like, this is a buffet, but go ahead. It's a...
All right. So what I'm saying is that, but there's one dog, his name is King Charles, and he's the alpha dog, but he's not the biggest. Right. He's super small. Right. And the way the dogs behave in front of him. So this video in itself, King Charles is not in it, right? A bunch of dogs are fighting. Right. Right. King Charles, but it's in the subtle details. Yes. Right? Exactly. So play again. See, the dogs are going crazy. They're all fighting. Right. Yeah.
They're all fighting, yelling at each other. Here comes King Charles. See the push pause? Rewind it a little bit. One dog bowed to him. Yeah. So the dog to his left bows. The other one gets up and leaves. That's the most Chinese shit I've ever seen. They bowed? They taught that dog how to bow? It's fucking amazing. This brown dog leaves. Right, go. Yeah, the brown dog's like, fuck. I'm out of here.
Look at that. The rest of them. Whoa. The other one goes into the gate. He's like, I'm out. I'm out? Yeah. He's slowly. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves. Yeah. Yeah.
And I've been obsessed with this guy. This is how you see yourself. Smaller, but commanding. Oh, wow. Is that a real observation you think, though? Is that relevant to you? That you feel like this is the dog you identify with? You're like, I'm not as big as the other dogs, but I should be respected the way that they are. Let me tell you the dog that he is in this video. Start the video over, okay? I'll tell you who Bobby is. Okay.
Okay, all these dogs are fighting. Pause. You see the dog sleeping? Yes. That is fucking you. That is fucking you. And that dog gets up and goes, oops. Look at that. Oh, fuck this. Fuck this. That's me, dude. 100%, that's you. That's literally you. There's no argument about it. Look at that. Keep watching. Fuck off. Look at that. Fuck off. He's gone. Yeah. Or that's you, buddy. Well, who? That's you on the ground. That's me after you bail on an interview.
I'm the King Charles and you bailed on another fucking gig. Okay. And then look at this. And you try to make excuses and I put my foot on your throat. But it does give you a life. It gives me a perspective of like, you know what I mean? Sizes and everything. Yeah. Nice. You know what I mean? Yeah. And the other day I was at the improv. There was a gigantic door guy. He's like 6'3". He's standing out front. And I walked up to him. And like his breasts, you know what I mean? My head.
is at his breast. I just walked up to him and kissed his breast. And walked away. This King Charles shit, dude. How did he react? Didn't like it at all. He's that bottom dog. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. You kissed that man's tit? Just like that. What did he say? He laughed. Yeah. Of course. When Bobby Lee kisses you in the breast, dude. It's funny. It's funny, dude. It is fucking funny. I don't know how you get away with that. What do you mean? I don't know how you do that.
Imagine if Tommy and I kissed somebody's tit. Is that the weird thing you're talking about? Yeah, dude. If we're going to go full circle, that's what we were talking about at the beginning. Most guys don't kiss other guys' tits. The only thing you should leave with here today is just knowing how not normal you are. Dude.
But in a good way. In a good way. It's so endearing. I want you to impart some words of wisdom for our good friend Tom Segura before he leaves, because you are an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-being individual. And people come here...
Looking for advice about the world and life and comedy and career. I see, I see. Okay, so, oh, I see, I see, I see. Okay. Hold on. Let him get in his too. Okay. I'll make up a proverb. Please. Well, don't say make it up. Just pretend like it's a, you know what I mean? No, but that's how special I am. You need to say it then. Okay, but you're right. I apologize. A man who says this...
Is that a word? That sounds like a proverb to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hiri-hiri. A man who promises gold to a fellow and negates on that gold is a man who should be boiled in water. America wa oiki desu ka? Desu ka? Kukuriyam piti?
I, I, Tongo. Konnichiwa, Tom desu. Dozo iroshiku. Do you really know the language? Yes, he's speaking Japanese. Holy fuck, dude. Forget what I said then. Forget what I said. Ladies and gentlemen, do yourself a big favor on behalf of the Bad Friends family. Please go watch Bad Thoughts right now on Netflix. Please do. Our best buddy, Tom Segura, we miss and love, and we know he's doing right by us down there. I'll tell you why you should watch it.
Because you're in it. Yes. And also, I want a second season so we can continue my story. Oh, interesting that you think you'd go back. I know. Probably not. It's on him, not on you. I know. Okay. Everything's on him. I'd love to have you back. I'd love to have you back. I'm not going to do it. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Arigato. Ar