We Bring Down the King
01:17:44 Share

Five-hour energy. Daylight savings can hit you right in the face. Comes out of nowhere. How do you regain that energy that you lost from the time change, huh? That's where five-hour energy comes in. They have made the one-hour energy. A tiny little pick-me-up for getting through the day or days ahead. A tiny little bottle and very big energy. You guys, I would not be standing here right now or sitting here without it. My body does not move without energy shots.

You know what I mean? Because I'm a sloth, right? And I don't move to the rhythms of the universe. Look, man, you're working long days. Maybe you got a family. Maybe you have ancillary, secondary jobs. You got all sorts of stuff going on in life. And that's why one hour energy shot has been our secret weapon. Okay? Okay.

It helps you get over those little bumps, those little humps, those little dips in the day. It is quick and effective energy. It provides a feeling of alertness and energy. And snap, snap, snap. What are you looking at? Come on over here. I love these shots, man. Like sometimes I'm super tired and I've got to perform in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people.

I need a shot of energy. Check out the one-hour energy shot and conquer your day. Visit 5hourenergy.com to find a retailer near you and try the limited-time one-hour energy shot. One less hour in the day, challenge accepted. Hey, everyone from Texas, Houston specifically. I need you to buy tickets for my show on March 28th and 29th of this year.

Go to HoustonImprov.com. Buy the tickets or I'm going to hurt myself. I'm going to hurt myself. I might die. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Apparently you guys were talking a lot of shit when I wasn't here. That's what I heard. You don't know yourself? I heard you guys talking a lot of shit.

Well, I wasn't here. Not even here to defend myself. You guys are talking. It's interesting. Because when people talk behind your back to me, I always defend you. Yeah. I say he's not here to defend himself. Don't say that stuff about him. It's so funny because when I look in the mirror, I look at my characteristic defects as well. So I know what my problems are. You don't know what your problems are? I know what your problems are for sure. I know what yours are. But whenever people talk about you and I hear it and I catch wind of it,

I grab it. Yeah. I know where you store it, in your heart. And I said, you talking about my dog, dude? And they go, oh, so sorry, man. And I defend. I never talked about your dog. I mean, your wife. I don't know. I'm kidding.

That's crazy. Is that your bit? That was crazy. Is that your bit? I'm sorry. I got defensive. Yeah. And I apologize. It's okay. She's beautiful. And I love her as a human. Well, it's whatever you want to do today, man. I heard that you had so much fun without me. You don't want me on the show anymore. Are you in your mind? That's what I heard. I turned down a pod with so-and-so. He got mad, by the way. Why? He came up to me. The first thing out of his mouth was like, hey, buddy, you don't want to pod with me? And I go, oh, no, Andrew's not there. It's weird. You know what I mean?

Didn't you do one with DeStefano? Called you out. I know, but it's like, I've never, we don't have that kind of, and he was mad. Yeah. But I love him. Doesn't seem like it. Seemed like you would have done the pod with him if you loved him so much. You know, most people, they'll go to the Salvation Army, right, to get their t-shirts. Not this guy. Kith.

You don't know what kith is, man. I've been in a kith, yeah. I've been in a kith with you in New York. Oh, I did. I brought you along. That's right. Yeah. Well, I'm going to say something. You're coming at me today. No, I'm not coming at you, dude. You're coming at yourself. My kith shirt? Yeah, you're coming at yourself, dude. And that's the sad part. How am I coming at myself? You're like, well, you guys were talking about me. No, no. I heard. We can bring up the clips. We have them. Dude. Bring them up. Oh, the chair. What?

Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Oh, it's push pause? No, no, no. I already know what to say after that. I hope so. You just did the episode. Yeah, you did a bit about, I did a bit about your little back. Let me see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what Andrew likes. Anyway, you click, click, click. Opens up his butt. Okay. I know, he has back aches. Oh, my God. He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy. He has a gay disc. He has a little gay disc in his back. He's a gay disc. They're dismantled. Ha, ha, ha.

What a crybaby, huh? Interesting. Interesting, yeah. Keep going. Toilet, remember? Yeah. Like a crybaby. How did he hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy, like, ooh, I'm redheaded. I get woozy. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Ooh. This is so good. Wait, what's mine? Interesting. Interesting. It's interesting, but also clever. Interesting. Interesting, interesting, interesting. That was funny. I mean, it didn't make me laugh at all, but it was very funny. All right, let's... All right, let's get it out.

Let's get it out in the open. I just said it. Yeah, yeah. So what I want to say is you've never talked about me? Never. First of all, no. And if I did, is it on tape?

No, but I've heard people say that you talk about me. Yeah. What do I say? I don't remember. I really recall. I feel like you'd remember. I think you're right. I think you made it up. Yeah. Oh, my bad. I got caught in a lie. Oh, that's okay. I don't know what was with me that day, but... You were grooving. No, I wasn't grooving. I was out of bounds, out of pocket. And, you know, because you're such a big star. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

I love when Carlos laughs at me because he gets my comedy. Somebody gets your comedy. Oh, my God. All right. Here we go. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Let's not do this right now, dude. You know? I want to say to you this. Because I heard you absolutely destroyed in Phoenix. Shut up, dude. All right. Now, let me say this. Roof off.

I have to say, Saturday Night Second Show was one of my best performances. Wow. But I also want to say this, okay, that you have no idea how I feel about you. Okay, dude, let's move on. No, no, oh, when it's positive, you want to move on? I'm over it. No, no, I'm not over it. All right, I love you like your family. And with my family, you kind of do little dig digs, right, on the side. Yeah, yeah, like you don't visit when you go to their town. Yeah, that was a big point of contention.

Two things. One, I did say to Carlos, I made him do Simon Says before the show because I think he was stoned. And I asked him and he's trying to tell me he's not, but I looked into his eyes. You look into his eyes. I wear contacts. No, he's, Carlos, it would be better if you were honest. I didn't smoke weed today. I smoked last night. Last night. Weed. Of course.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we know now you're fully gone. Relapsed. That's called California sober. No, that's not a real thing. You can call it. But people say that all over the Internet. But it's not real. That's like a fake. I do meth, but I have I'm Colorado sober. It's Colorado sober. It's the same thing. It doesn't make any sense. No, this is like one in the lexicon. It was in White Lotus, I think. Yeah. But it doesn't mean you should do it.

I thought you were clean, clean, clean. I thought we were all out. When I saw him in the alleyway in Australia, he had a glaze over his eyes. I don't know what he was on. What were you on in Australia in the alley? Marijuana. That's it? And you lied to me. Yes. You lied to me. No, you know what I did? You lied to me. No, I got you on a technicality. I went into the hotel and I said, Bobby, I'm not drinking. Why? What do you mean? Because I need something on this earth. Bobby doesn't need anything.

He should have something, though. No, he has lots of things. I do agree. I should have something. You have sugar-free Red Bull and cigarettes. Yeah, but sometimes I want more to drown my sorrows. What do you want? I mean, sometimes I would love to smoke weed, you know what I mean, to zone out. But you don't need to. I don't need to, and I've been three years I haven't. So that's great. Yeah. Why would we crack it now? Because my fear, though, is that once that door is open, I do all the other stuff, and I can't have that.

So I just decided to do all... I mean... Yeah, because what he's saying also can happen to you. You may decide, so what, dude? I'm going to be San Bernardino sober and just have one pill. Yeah, you do pills too. You do do pills. That's such a projection to me. You don't. I only Xanax and Lexapro, which...

Those are pills. Those are called pills, dude. But you get them at Walgreens. I know, but they can prescribe any. I do meth, but I only smoke it. Right. That's what it sounded like. It's not cartel stuff, so it's good. All right. Well, whatever. I'm just looking out for your well-being. Yeah. I'd rather you be clean as a whistle, clear-headed.

I know, but I'm just... Sober Carlos. My history with Carlos is this. When I first met him, he was full-blown in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was great. And anyone that's in AA, right? People aren't... Because they had like, you know what I mean? An accident. It takes a lot of pain and suffering to drive you into a 12-step group. Yeah. And to be committed to it, right? So that's... You know your history with it, right? You know that you're an alcoholic and drug addict. Uh-huh.

Do you? Yeah. Okay. You have other addictions too, like sex? You relapse too. That's not a pointing. It's not a pointing thing. I'm not arguing with you. This isn't like a tit for tat. But Bobby's being like, oh, I'm Mr. Sober and I know everything. But he's also real. That's not true. He's not being, I know everything, Mr. Sober. He's just saying to get back on the right track and stay clean. Have I done any drugs or alcohol since I got sober three years ago? No, but you've literally done them with me.

- Okay. - Okay. You see what he's doing? That's the drug addiction Jedi shit. - Yeah, you are Jedi shit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're angling. - You're angling, dude. Yeah. - You're trapping and angling. You're leading into a corner, you're trapping. - You're a rat trapped in a corner. - You're a rat trap. - Yeah, you're a rat trap, dude. - I don't think rats should get in trouble for having a little bit of cheese.

A rat as fat as you doesn't need any more cheese. Exactly. You're not taking the prosciutto. Anyway. Let's move on. Let's move on. Yeah, yeah. Had a great time in the city of Minnesota. So Andrew did his special. He did four shows. I did. To cut it together. It's going to be a wonderful piece of artwork. Well, I hope so. It was a little bit of a challenge at the beginning, finding everything the way that I wanted to find it. And also, boy, oh boy, was I upset at my team.

Shane Gillis was in town. Kevin Hart was in town. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, I saw a photo with you and Shane. Gilly played the Target Center where the Minnesota Timberwolves play. And Kevin played a big theater. Like he did like four, five theaters or something. All in Minneapolis that weekend. But were your shows full? No, yeah, they sold out. What's the problem? No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, thank God Shane sells out same day.

Because imagine if Shane was playing big theaters and he wasn't an act that could sell out an arena same day, then we would, we definitely share some audience. Do you know what I mean? Like Kevin and I definitely no crossover. We joked, we were like,

Kevin was, Shane goes, I guess you and I had to split all the whites in town. I was like, yeah, Kevin. There's no competition. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, thank God Shane's so famous. He sold out the Target Center the same day. Wow. That's how famous he is. Like, I'm lucky we got around to it, but I think it's a bummer because ticket prices are so stupid now and we can't control them anymore. It sucks. The promoters, Ticketmaster, the venues, it's disgusting what they do now. And people can't go to both. People couldn't see me on Friday and see Shane on Saturday. There's no way they could afford that.

I think it fucking sucks. So I wish they communicated to go, hey, this guy's in town shooting. Can we reserve this weekend? If we could, skip it or come back to it. You're complaining about something that didn't happen though. No, no, no. I do think it affected the way that I moved at the end, moved tickets at the end.

Oh, I see. Do you know what I mean? Like it definitely changed because people. The first time I played the Philadelphia Helium. Yeah, I love that club. I showed up at the club. I'm not kidding. It's not an exaggeration. I showed up at the first show on a Friday night. There was seven people. Oh, my God. Right. And I kind of looked around and go, oh, I guess I'm not big here. They're like, oh, no, it's just literally right across the street. Chappelle's there.

And I go, oh, I got booked, right? And then the second show was full and half the audience was like, oh, we saw the Chappelle show earlier and we came to both. That's pretty rad. Still, the first show, I was going to kill myself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand what you're saying. Well, when you're fighting upstream because...

People can't see both. And he takes a lot. I mean, he's so famous. Shane's the best. He's the biggest. So it's, you know, you can't fight that. But anyway, it was a good weekend in Minneapolis. I love Minneapolis, although I was scared to come home once again. Because of the flights. Bro. I had turbulence last night. But it's getting out of control. It is. Today. How many today? Another crash? No, no, no, dude. A Southwest plane almost hit a private jet today. Today. Today. Oh, my God. Look at this near miss. It's landing or taking off.

It's landing and is that it? Yeah, the jet's right there. Look at that. It's landing and the jet is coming. And so he took off again. Oh my God.

Is it the... What do we call the people in the tower? The FAA... Well, no, the control tower? Yeah, yeah. The control tower? Control tower people. Control tower people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it their fault? What is going on here? I don't know, man. Something's going on, though. Like, do you not believe... That could have been a disaster, dude. Yeah, everybody dead. Everyone dead. How is this not... Yeah, they're going to work it out. Do we think something's going on? Can we make up a conspiracy, please? Did they fire all of the... FAA people? Okay, I have a conspiracy. Is that real? No. They fired all the white ones?

I have a conspiracy. And I think it's connected. So hear me out, guys. I heard your joke. And I'm sorry I didn't laugh. It's okay. I didn't like it. Just please. Okay. Your resentment right now is so evident. You're gaslighting me, dude. You're trying to get me resentful. Look, we know you're not high now. Andrew, was I gaslighting? No, there was no lighting there. Thank you. There was no lighting from Andrew. My mistake. I thought I saw a little light. Yeah, there's no light. And if you saw one, it was dim.

Sody! Sody, sit down, you dum-dum. No, you're not a dum-dum, dude. Yeah, he's one of the dumbest, dude. He's one of the dumbest on Earth. You really think that? Yeah. He's one of the smartest dudes in common. No. No. You're right. All right, let me finish this point, and then we'll get to you, Dan Soder. Yeah, dude. Love you. I love you, too.

The last time we did a gig together, you weren't that nice to me. Bullshit. That is 100% in your head. But there's no real this. Well, yeah, because it was two gigs we hung out with. I know. Where was it? On the Burt tour. On the Burt tour. So it's chaos. You're just in the middle of chaos. Yeah, but I try to start conversations. There's no dick locking. No, no, no. I want to dick lock with you. First off, I'll dock with you all day. He will. He'll dock. I'll go get foreskin put on my penis in order to dock you. Wow. I'll do whatever the reverse. You know what? I believe you. Whatever the reverse. Let me finish my theory here, Dan, and we'll get to you. Okay. All right?

Anyway, this is good. You're going to want to hear this. Yeah. So I think the reason why there's a connection between the flights, you know what I mean? Getting in these accidents. All the flight crashes. And the drones that we saw a month ago. Oh, the Chinese drones? Yeah. Wasn't there a lot of drones a couple of months ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Around, right? New Jersey. New Jersey. It was in California as well. It was everywhere. Really? Yeah. Could there be a link there, you think?

Something an alien airspace something UFO airspace. What did what what could it be? Are you thinking like the drones are causing the accidents? Maybe there's a connection is all I'm saying. I like that you say that like a CIA guy we go there could be a connection I'm not saying affirmative. I'm not saying negative. Do you ever see zero dark 30 brother? Yeah, have you seen zero duck? Yeah. Yeah You haven't no, there's another documentary called manhunt. Yeah, okay

Well, guess who caught? Who did they track? Let me ask you. Who did they track to get to Osama bin Laden? Exactly. Right? The courier.

The mail delivery guy? No, he used one guy for information. So there was one guy that would drive to his- Abu Ahmed Al-Khawad. Abu Ahmed Al-Khawad. Yeah. Right? That dude, right? Is that Amir K? It is Amir. You know what I mean? And now he's doing standup. And he's very successful. You know what I mean? Well,

What a second act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Just being a hilarious stand-up comic. Yeah. You know, he's the courier for us. I'm a bit odd. In a movie, I would cast Michael Peña, I think. 100% looks like Michael Peña. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And not Amir Kay. No, it'd be Michael Peña. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I think that... So in the...

One lady in the CIA was like, I think we should track the carrier. And everyone was like, no, no, no, no, no, right? But that ended up being the truth. And she didn't even really know what the connection was, but she followed a gun's instinct. I think that's what I'm doing with the fucking drones. So your instinct is that the drones are making the planes crash? I don't know exactly the connection between them, but there's a gun instinct there. You just feel like it is. Yeah.

I feel like. Yeah. I feel like it is. Yeah. What's your theory, Soder? I don't know. These plane crashes are crazy how many are happening. There's also an avoided one. Did you guys see the one? We just talked about that just now. Whenever something like this happens, I immediately empathize with the other plane. Just like remember when the bridge in Baltimore, the

boat drove into the bridge. Oh, yeah, dude. Just this moment of like. I don't know anything about it. Please explain to me that catastrophe. There was a boat that like it was like one of those short stack boats, almost like you can bring it up. I want I want the clinical version of the boat because I don't get short. I don't even know what that means. I made that up. Oh, that's it's like a freighter boat. Freighter boat ran into a bridge. Dark night. They had those in the dark night. A dark night boat.

Dark Knight Bob. I call it a Dark Knight Bob. In the biz, we call it a Dark Knight Bob. Because remember in the first Batman movie, wasn't there like a thing where he first goes, I'm Batman.

Which is a dead-on impression. Yeah, that was perfect. Yeah, thank you. Really good. I thought Christian Bale was in the room. These are called container ships? Container ships. But doesn't that sound more made up than short stack? Container, I know. It sounds like bullshit. Mine was completely made up. Short stack sounds great. It's a short stack ship. I call Brad William short stack. Right, so that's my nickname for him. But my point is, what happened here? So this, like, this...

went into the bridge and you see it at night, it like shuts the lights off and it fucks shit up. What did people on the road? I don't know. I don't know if anyone died in that. No, people did die. A few people did die. Yeah? Yeah, the cars. Yeah, a few people around. No one on the boat died and all the containers were safe, by the way. But everyone likes to go like, oh, terrorists. This was a terrorist attack or whatever. But just like the small jet that almost got hit this time, just like a guy being an idiot. Fucking around. Being like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Dude, is that fucking plane about to take off? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It's like coming down and you're like, it's a fuck fuck. And someone's just yelling your name in your ear going like, Bobby, Bobby. I've said that when I was entering a woman's vagina. Oh, yeah. That's a fuck fuck. Yeah. No, but no, in a panic like that, like I shouldn't be doing it. Oh, right. You know, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah. And somebody dies. Yeah. Have you ever had sex with somebody you didn't want to have sex with? I don't know how to answer that.

Do you mean like, just like I wasn't physically attracted to? No, but you just knew that they were a little cray-cray. You know, sometimes you hear a little cray-cray, you're like, what's going to happen once I enter this domain? That's my early 20s, brother. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you've ever been to Tucson, Arizona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brother. Brother, tell me about it, brother. I was living it. Did you have any...

XXL? Do you ever go down that road? Anybody heavy? Yeah, I like a larger lady. I mean XXL. Oh, no. Like vastly outweighing me? Yeah. So I have a way. You're a big dude. And I'm not lying. I had sex with one time many, many years ago with a 400-pound woman. That is – I don't think that's physically possible. And it happened in Phoenix 20 years ago. Did they have to lower you? My brother hooked it up. Did they have to lower you down into her? I don't know if it's a hookup.

Well, yeah, it's a hook down. It's a hook down. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, but... She goes, it was like a medical procedure. She's like, I'm going to lay on my back. Then you're going to enter me. And I did it, though. How was it? Like a soldier. Yeah, you went through with it. Yeah, because sometimes you're numb.

Right? You're in Hamburger Hill. Yeah. You get it, right? You're going through it. Right? And your sergeant goes, we got to fucking take over this hill. And you're up first. Yeah. And you don't want to, but you end up up there anyway. You get friends slaughtered and whatnot. But you're still fighting for your life. Yeah. Black hot don.

Black Hawk Down. Say it's so Asian. Black Hawk Down. Yeah. Black Hawk Down. You know, I recently saw the Netflix documentary on it. Yeah. And I rewatched the movie. Are you getting like third hand PTSD from these movies? Yeah. You're coming back. So anyway. Oh, yeah. So that's what I did with this lady. How was it? 400 is pretty big. I mean, you did have sex with a waterbed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, see, the thing is, at that time, this was pre-Mad TV. Oh, before you got on. Yeah, so before I got on. Let me tell you right now. She liked you for who you really were. Through her. Yeah, well, she saw me MC the improv in Tempe. She's eating a bucket of chicken, a nice Saturday night special, and then Mad TV comes on, and she goes...

Yeah. My little lover. My little. I used to fuck that guy. My little spelunker. But here's the sad part of the story, and I feel so bad about it, and I think about it all the time, and I feel so bad about it. Nick, nicotine pouches. You heard us talking about Nick before. Right here, baby. Taking nicotine pouches to the next level. These are the pouches that we be using over here at Bad Men. We be using all day, every day. They got citrus ice, berry, lemon ice, spearmint, and winter grapes.

They do have wintergreen. They also have strawberry watermelon ice, baby. It's a step above any other pouch because they use the best ingredients for a cleaner, more refined experience. And we're refined.

Yeah, we are. And if you're on a journey to quit nicotine, Nicked gives you full control of your experience. They're even launching a new zero milligram option soon, helping you gradually reduce your nicotine uses at your pace. That's pretty great. If you're trying to kick chewing tobacco, traditional smoking products, or vape, Nicked flavors hit just right. Okay? Some of these pouches that we've got here right in front of you, very, very good. Crisp mint, by the way. The tropical ice is probably the most favorite. Everyone wants to grab one of those when they come through the studio. So it's time to upgrade to Nicked.

pouches just like we did. Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order our exclusive URL, nickedpouches.com slash bad friends. That's nykdpouches.com slash bad friends and you can use this code up to three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com slash bad friends and check out the Bad Friends bundle with our favorite flavors. That's nickedpouches.com

NickPouches.com slash bad friends. Nick Pouches are only for adults of legal age and every order's age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. DraftKings Sportsbook. Hey, when it comes to college basketball and March Mania, one thing is for sure, nothing.

Is for sure. That's right. Upsets, buzzer beaters, Cinderella's advancing, going to the dance. Top seeds going home early. It's all going to happen. You're going to see it. We've already seen some top teams get knocked off in the last couple of nights, some upsets. It's been tough and rough for some of us. You can bet on the unexpected, that's for sure. Every day you can do this with DraftKings Sportsbook. With live betting, exclusive content, promos, and parlays, DraftKings is the ultimate college basketball destination for March.

First time, here's something special just for you. New DraftKings customers bet $5. You can bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets immediately.

instantly come on friends. Look, my old man with the university of Tennessee, they are humming along this year. I got a couple of shekels on university of Tennessee. I'm not saying you should do that. I'm saying that's what I'm doing. Not telling you how to bet. Just telling you where I'll be putting my bets. Bet the unexpected with DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code bad friends. That's code bad friends for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets. When you bet just five bucks,

Only on DraftKings. The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for Robin Gambling. Call 888-789-7777. Or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Boudreaux Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. New customers only. Bonus bets expire at 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms or responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co slash audio.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

And I've never shared it on a group level. I don't even know if I should. - Go on. - But I'm gonna do it anyway, right? So years later, when I was kind of, got on mat, this and that, I redid the room. I think as I was featuring for someone big, you know what I mean? And I don't know why, but I was walking, you know when they bring you up, I was walking toward the stage.

Somebody grabbed my jacket or my shirt, long-sheet shirt, and I look over and it's her. No. I just see this fat hand on my... How strong was that grip? You know what? How strong was that grip? It was so gripped. Was it like a gorilla grabbed you? Or a walrus. Where you go... It was a walrus flipper. You know when animal trainers realize that it's out of control? Yeah, dude. Like Bobby gave one of those where he goes, give it back. Okay. Okay. We're not playing anymore. Kiko, stop. Kiko, stop. He's like...

No, it was more like a leper grabbing you back in the day. Oh, you were like, get away from me. I did this. I went...

I pulled it away like that. Yeah. And then after my set, I ran down, out, so she couldn't grab me. Damn. And I stayed in the green room so I wouldn't run into her. I feel so bad about it. She was clawing at the door. Yeah. And you hear it like a dog on a... Smelling you under the door. What's your fatness, you think? Oh, Jesus. I don't know. You know, I'm over 200, so I would imagine probably over that. What do you hover at? Two?

I walk around at 215. Do you really? I would like to be 210. What are you, 6'3"? Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, but nothing...

Nothing extreme. Yeah. You've never, have you ever been like embarrassed? When you step on the scale, have you ever been like, Jesus, Dan? Yeah. What was the Jesus, Dan? 240. Whoa. And it was just like after a breakup and it was just sweet season. I just quit drinking. Yeah. I quit drinking a couple years before and then it was just like eating everything. Sweet seasons. Do you never had a sweet season when you quit doing drugs and alcohol? You're not really a sweets guy.

You like, what is it, savory over sweet, right? That's interesting that you say that because you're absolutely wrong. Really? I don't know you'd eat a lot of sweets. Whenever we get to church. I hide it. Do you do secret sweetie pie? Yeah, I do. I have a drawer in my bedroom with gummy colas. Great. Right? I've never seen you be a sweets boy. And then I have bags of these candies with salt in it.

in it, in the middle of it. Oh, so it's sweet and savory. Yeah, yeah, right. You know what? Your candy. The Mexican, like when they use the mango and they put that stuff up. What's it called? What are you talking about, babe? Oh, you're talking about tajin. Yes. There's a tajin in the middle. Yeah, so it's got a little. Spice, a little bit of spice. You know, it's funny, dude, because whenever we go eat,

You like the savory stuff and then when we get dessert, you'll take a bite. But you're not like a... You know the reason why I take a bite? I have bites at home. Yeah, you do. In the hotel room. You're goddamn right. How do you fucking know? Are you a secret sweetie? I'm out in the open with it. Yeah. Brother, I live it. It's Easter season. So I'm in knee deep in the shit.

They're doing jelly beans. I just picked up two bags of jelly beans. Didn't even mean to. What? Wow. Because you got Jolly Rancher. It's Easter season, so everyone's doing their jelly bean. I got Jolly Rancher and Airhead jelly beans. Wow. I'm a savory guy, dude. Late night, I want a food food. Yeah, because you drink. You're getting all your sugar through the booze.

When you cut it, that's when you want that. That's what it is. Yeah. I didn't give a shit about sweets when I drank. I mean, I still like having a little bit of sweet tooth thing. When we go out to eat, I always have a little bit of dessert.

Took down a mini bag of Cadbury eggs. Bad boy, dude. Just fucking landed and thought, why not? I want to say something to you. I've always thought this, and I don't want to be rude. Oh, man. And I don't want to cause any friction. I think it's going to do both. No, I don't think so. I think I'm being very mindful about it. But it's an observation I've had over the years. I've never been brave enough to tell you. But you're one of those comics, like if you didn't do comedy...

I just don't know. Oh, what I do? Yeah, yeah. You know what? I have a prediction what you would have been doing. Yeah. I know. Yeah. So, you know, you go to Soho and they have those boutique shops. It's always some sort of arbitrary name like F-Z-Z-N-Y. You know what I mean? I love F-Z-Z-N-Y. Yeah, yeah. They got some good shit. So let's go into Vizzini or whatever, right? Vizzini. And then you go in there and there's like this guy. He looks like a John Wick villain. He's got a black overcoat. Oh, yeah. Right? Right.

and just like tattoos on the neck. - Eyeliner. - Yeah, eyeliner. - A lot of jewelry. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know how much they make, probably not good. - Who cares? - Who cares? That's what you'd be doing. - I can't think of something that is more opposite of who I am as a human being. - No, I'm saying you won't like it. - I have never seen just an insane miss like that.

You have zero working knowledge of me as a human being. I know. If you think I'm anywhere close, I have dressed the same like I'm moving since I was 12 years old. Yeah. You don't understand what I'm saying to you, Dan. He's a labor bigot. I would never wear rings. I can't wear a watch. No, he's a labor bigot. I have thin wrists. This is information I was not privy to. Well, guess what, brother? Before you diagnose, take a look at the x-ray.

Because I'm sitting right here. I'm a kind of doctor where I don't look at the x-ray. I'm a diagnoser. You go, it's cancer. And they go, is it? And you go, could be though. Yeah, yeah, could be. Always could be. Dr. Lee, this is a dentist's office. He's got stomach cancer, I can tell. Sorry. Soder, I think, would be a laborer of some kind. I could see you. I would be getting in trouble for being funny.

Correct on a site on a job site somewhere where I'd have to be somewhat serious I would be getting in trouble for I could see you getting tied up with Ringling Brothers and you assembling part of the tents and also announcing stuff I honestly that's way close you put me on the mic for the fucking flying Giuseppi's whoever yeah whoever's in sequence flips in the air and I get to build a tent I

Yeah, he killed it. And then I make a mistake. Yeah. And then a couple families. And then it's back to the railroads. Yeah. You know him. If I got my four roses, you know, my little flask of whiskey and my traveling jacket. Fuck.

Dude. I have another observation. Okay. I'm so sorry. He goes, you and your dad are best friends. That was very good. That's very good what you said. I know so. He also seems like this guy, right? Where you meet a girl. Yeah. A beautiful girl, right? Yeah. And you go, hey, you want to go out there? She goes, I have a boyfriend, right? And then when you actually meet, it's like him. Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck are you dating this guy for? That's okay. Am I right? Warm. Am I getting warm? Yeah. Very warm. Yeah. I understand it now.

Yeah, I know you have a girlfriend, a wife. I have a fiance. Fiance. Yeah. I understand it now like I understand Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis with his girl, the influencer lady, would have never made sense in any other scenario. Besides what? Besides famous comic influencer. I don't think so. You underestimate Shane. Yeah. I knew him before. Oh, so he was deep in hot chicks before? Before he got bit by the radioactive spider and he became Shane Man. Okay. Dude, he's charming.

He's low-key a cutie pie. Everybody needs fame. No, okay, how about this? You're missing a few key points, by the way. You go to the Midwest, you go to the Midwest, you see beautiful women with big guys' guys. Yeah, like in Canada. And I'm going to tell you right now, I used to go with Shane, Shane used to go on the road with me and feature for me, and when we would go to like Boston or something like that,

Boy would we're both single boy would clean up. Yeah, because the ladies would be like, oh, I want me a pale dad. Right. And he'd be like, shut up. You're gay. And they'd be like, oh, I need them freckles. Yeah. He looks like a white guy that's been in water like a dead corpse. Oh, my God. Are you calling him bloated?

No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying the eyes bulge like it's been in a swamp. I gotta tell you something right now. I'm wrong. He's gonna come get you. You don't want that. You wanna start this war, dude? You are calling on... You're yelling at a cloud. He picks me up. You're yelling at a thunderbolt. Like a little boy. And I like it. And we have that relationship, right? I'm not... Shane, if you're listening right now or if you get this clip... He will. I give you props all day long. You're one of the funniest comics on planet Earth. You're the king. You deserve all your success.

That's not what I'm saying. But you were saying before. I just think you have like, you know, in Lord of the Rings, like maybe the second or third movie, right? Remember Frodo and those guys went to the swamp? Yeah. And Gollum's like, don't look in the water. Who's in the water? These dead elves from like thousands of years ago. Oh my God, dude. You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. Just don't look in the water. You're starting a war. Yeah, I'm not starting a war. Anyway, I didn't mean it in a bad way. Soho store is just...

Whenever I go to those stores, I look at the guy and I go, oh, there's a version of Dan Sartor. That's what you think? Damn. What are you doing? Why can't you back me once? Because I think you're insanely wrong. I think you're fucked up. You're out of bounds. Don't do that. I'm sorry. Don't do that.

I don't like what you're fucking doing either. I'm over here saving you from a war. I'm tired of being bullied by people like you. I'm saving you from a war. I tried to fucking befriend you at the tour. See what he's doing? Yeah. See what he's doing? I see it. Yeah. I'm tired of being bullied by you after you just went after him and then Shane Gillis. Oh, really? You're bullying me.

You're bullying, dude. This is fascinating. You're 100% bullied. I'm being honest. You're mad that the Soho thing didn't land and then you bullied Shane Gillis. Yeah. You went after my friend. You're the bully, dude. Well, the next time I say a thing, disagree with me. Okay. You know what? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the new rule. But let's both be...

Hey, Bobby, I'm down, but let's make this cool on all of us, all right? Go ahead. This is like trying to negotiate. We're all going to be cool. We're going to be cool. We're all going to be cool. We're going to make a point we can all agree on. Okay. That's right. Thank you. A point we can all agree on. Ready? You think everything you say I agree with? No. I always laugh and I always agree. Yeah. Why? That's what friendship's all about.

All right. I know your diabolical East Coast fucking way of thinking. What? Can I say something? I know it's- I'm so sorry. Something happened on the Burt tour between you guys that's unresolved. No, we had fun. Was it when I hurt my lip? You hurt your lip and you were gone. I didn't see you after that. That's hilarious. I texted you. I'm one of the only people that texted you. When you called me with Ralph Barbosa, I picked up and I said I was one of the only people that texted you. Okay. You busted your lip and- On the tour bus. On the tour bus, yeah. Yeah, we were on our way to Florida. Yeah.

And I feel like you were one of the last people to text. I think that's what it was. Oh, I honestly check the receipt. I think I'm just testing you. You're supposed to agree with me. I thought the rule was. I thought. No, no, no. Bobby. I was testing him. He doesn't follow the rules. Bobby, look at me. I'm sorry. That was on me. There we go. It's as easy as that. Give me something to agree. We're back in. Right. Dax Flame definitely has a bigger penis than you. Than me? Yeah. Yeah.

That's C? Yeah. Is it true? Probably not. You know what? I don't care because that kind of loyalty. Yeah, that's where it is. Fuck the truth. I'd rather have that. There it is. I want you to be loyal. Got it. Okay? Done. And I will agree with everything you say. Say something that I might not agree with, but I'll agree with it. Honestly, I think gummy sodas kind of suck. I agree. And whenever I'm eating them, I don't even understand why it's in my mouth.

Do you understand how easy that is? Yeah, throw it back to me. Yeah, this is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like a... All right. No. No, let him go. You look like a fluffer in gay porn. Yeah, absolutely. Strong jaw, looking like I'm just getting big gay rods. It's called a... Stiff. It's called, right, adding information and agreeing. Yes. Yes, Andy. Now do one back to him. Yes, Andy.

I'm just going to say it right now. It shouldn't be illegal to eat a homeless person's ass. It should not be. Yeah. I went for a nighttime walk. I go for a nighttime walk a lot. And I go for a nighttime walk in the same little stretch of area by my neighborhood. And this homeless guy must have heard me like talking on the phone. And he yelled out, I live here.

And I felt bad. I was like, sorry. Yeah. I said, sorry. Where does he stay? So by the LA River, there's a walking path. And there's tents that are up underneath, tucked under. You can't see them. Yeah. And-

But he's right. He does live there. I was talking loud. He does live there. And I apologized. The thought of him in makeshift reading glasses, reading the back of a label and him going, will you shut the fuck up? Yeah. I'm reading. He's mixing chemicals.

I'm trying to make a new form of hooch. He's reading Dostoevsky. He's like, man, Raskolnikov really did have to murder that lady. He did call the cops and get him removed. Yeah. Got to clean up the streets, dude. Nice, dude. Can't put up with that shit, dude. Now, how do you feel about the homeless? Oh,

How do I feel about him? Give me a genuine, yeah, your opinion. Well, he doesn't see them now in New York. They're all hibernating. Yeah, they're all in the tunnel. Yeah, where do they go, in the tunnels? Honestly, you don't know. It's just like, it's like a crisp, it's like a crisp fall day and then they're just, where are they? And then it gets hot and then you're like, oh, I can't walk my dog. Maybe they're frozen and they thaw. That might be. You go, seasons are changing. They're starting, help me. Yeah. Reanimate? Yeah, and then, and now it's March. March.

Do the position. Yeah. March. Yeah, exactly. I live here!

That's it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You just did the de-thawing of a homeless man. Perfect. And that's comedy 101. That's called a comedy. And that's what we do here at Bad Friends. And that's how talented he is. By the way, that's Encino Man. We just did the movie Encino Man. Don't, don't, don't. Please don't do this. Everything's fitted for a reboot right now. Dude, thank you so much. Honestly, tell me Bobby Lee in the Brendan Fraser role. You would be a great Encino Man. You as the new weasel? Yeah. Oh, bro. Let's go. Okay.

Okay, let's talk about what they should remake. Yeah, okay. Can we talk about what movies they should remake? I'm going to go down the same line of where we already are. One of my favorite movies that's underrated, Airheads. I fucking- Would love a new Airheads, but how do you do Airheads? Radio doesn't matter anymore. Podcasts. Oh,

Oh, they like take over like a Joe Rogan? I never saw Airheads. Oh, you would love it. Brendan Fraser. You got Adam Sandler. Sandler, dude. Buscemi. So these three guys are like, they're a shitty band, and they badly want to get on the radio. Back when, like, if you got your record played once, it was like you were home free on a radio. Yeah. And they decide they're going to hijack a local radio station because they just can't get any fucking radio play. And it's basically die hard at a radio station. That's amazing. It's fucking...

But they're the bad guys. The good guys are the bad guys. They're like idiots. They take over the radio station. But you root for them because they're so downtrodden. Let's remake Airheads. This is us, by the way. Soder is obviously Frazier. You're the tallest. I'm Sandler. And you're Buscemi. I mean, let's do it. What about remaking Gremlins? Love it. How about one and two? Give me the whole franchise. Start with one. Yeah, start with one. I'll tell you right now, I'm so geeked up. I want to be a Mogwai.

You are a fucking mogwai. Honestly, if they ever do a reboot and you're not voicing the mogwai, someone's missing big. I want to be there. Put fur on me. What about Goonies? No. I can't touch that. You can't touch it. It's pitch perfect. It's pitch perfect. It's also because that childhood fantasy of neighborhood play. I don't even know if people do that.

I don't know if kids do that, like go to the woods. That's a good point. Do kids get in trouble in the woods? Did you see the lady in Georgia that got arrested because her son walked like half a mile to a store? Yeah, I saw that. Insane. Insane. 10 years old. She was charged, right? Yeah. Child endangerment. Yeah, kids wouldn't do it, so that's why it wouldn't make any sense. They call it- Amazing. They call that free range parenting now.

What? When you just let your kid be a kid. When you're not helicoptering anymore, now it's called free reign. I ran away from home for a week. I'm not kidding you. My parents didn't go to the cops. Why would they? Because they just knew you were going to come back. I came in the house after a week. My dad goes, hello.

And I go, all right. That's the reception? Yeah. It is funny that it was such a not big... There were kids that I knew growing up whose parents were real, real like loosey-goosey. I had a friend that didn't have to check in with his parents to sleep over. Just could just do it. He could fucking... He could turn the key and launch it himself. So real. You go, you want to sleep over? He goes, yeah. You going to call her? He goes... What for? I don't want to bug him. Yeah. I don't know. I think they probably... You know where she is. She's at the casino anyway. Well,

She's up in Blackhawk. Can I say, this is a controversial thing I want to say. Let it rip. I feel like the bullying that I received was necessary. Yes. When you were a kid. Yes. Put your head in this toilet. You're not going to be able to breathe for two minutes. You never got a swirly in real life. What? You never got a swirly. Oh my God. I was locked. Like old school, I was locked in a locker for four hours. No way. Yeah, yeah. What grade? It was half locker, so I had to crouch. It was insane. What grade? What grade?

Ninth? No, even younger, like probably second grade or third grade. Freshman year sounds like exactly what happened. And I definitely heard teachers walk by and I was screaming and they didn't even help me. Well, you hear teachers like, is Bobby Lee in there? That's so funny. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, go to lunch. Go to lunch. I just feel like that Sort of like made me strong enough to do comedy almost yeah, absolutely Do you know there's kids that are like they're giving ozempic to like fat kids now and you're like no no you're gonna You're not gonna have funny people when you grow. Yeah, let them level out right you let him be fat and weird and awkward. Let everyone gillis dude You want that doing it again? I don't know why you're doing honestly. I'm trying to agree You know what I'm trying to bring down the king

Wow. Yeah, I'm willing to do it. You know, it's hard to bring down the king when you're a rook. Damn. Did you just write that? Yeah. Just write that? Thank you, dog. Did you find? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll be honest with you. Did you just spit that off the top of your bar? The last gig that he did here. Bars. Did you do the show? The last gig? The Will Turn one with Bill Burr and Shane Gillis. I did that show, yeah. Yeah. I was an ass. Oh, they told me why they did an ass.

'Cause it was a strict timeline they had to keep and they were like, "Will Bob be on time this evening?" I said, "No, no chance." - That hurts me so bad, dude, that you wouldn't, that's really hurtful. - That's not true. They didn't ask me about it. - They would never ask me, is my point. - That's fucking bullshit. - Stop, don't do this. - I'm gonna pull this to Shane. - This is bullshit. - Don't. - Fuck you. - Don't. - All right, well, you know what? - Welcome to the show and thanks for doing it. - Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me. - I'm in a mood, I'm sorry. - And honestly, I love it. It's like holding a cat with its claws out.

Exactly. It's still sweet, but I'm trying to keep you away from the problem areas. Oh, yeah? That's good, that's good, that's good. I have problems with some other kings here, man. If we're doing this, let's go ahead. D.L. Hughley, Steve Harvey, Paul the Living Cedric. I have problems with them as well. And rest in peace, Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac, the king of all kings. The true king. Who has bulging eyes.

The true king of kings. Right. Who has bulgiers like somebody else we know. Dude, what are you doing, bro? Who are you talking about? I'm telling you we hold council with the man. Okay, good. Hold council. And you're going to get done. Sometimes Slovenia needs to start a war with the United States. No? No, they don't. That's a terrible fucking idea. That's something you say coming out of a nap. Shopify. Guess what? Guess what?

I get, oh, what? What? Okay. Sometimes it's a knock, knock, and I say knock, knock, knock. Well, I'll tell you, we have the best online business because we use Shopify. That's exactly right. Shopify is home with the number one checkout on the planet. And by the way, when you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims,

Sure, you think that's a great product, a cool brand, brilliant marketing, yada, yada, yada. But often overlooked, the secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling for shoppers and buying very simple for millions of businesses. That business is Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. I'm telling you right now, home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not so secret secret with ShopPay that boosts conversions up to 50%. That is so much. That means way less carts are going to go up.

abandoned and way more sales going through the roof.

Upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Allbirds or Allo uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash bad friends. That's all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash lowercase bad friends to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash bad friends. Manscaped. Hey, spring cleaning isn't just for finally throwing out that orange mustard colored hoodie that I just can't let go because my Nana gave it to me when I was a kid. Okay. Okay.

It's time to reset your grooming routine because let's face it, your downstairs situation, that basement, huh? It's looking anything like Bobby's diet. It's wild and unkempt and concerning. It's time for a serious trim. Manscaped beard and balls bundle has you covered from cheeks to hell. Even that little patch of hair, Bobby still calls a mustache. You spent all winter looking like Andres if he let Bobby give him a haircut or if I went on a bender down in...

In Key West. It's time to clean up. Join over 12 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped and use the code BADFRIENDS for 20% off plus free shipping to Manscaped.com. We've talked about Manscaped on this show so much, man. With the all-in-one grooming, the beard hedger. Keeps my beard looking crisp like a bloomed flower. Fresh in the spring, in the sun. Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra clears out the underbrush. That's what I use downstairs. That's what cleans up, huh? I no longer...

have carpet down there. They don't match the drapes. It's hardwood floors, ladies and germs. They got skin-safe technology. You're not going to nick your nuts. I've told you that because I used to do that. You remember when you nicked your nuts in the shower? Unbelievable. Looked like a scene from Psycho. Now they got precision lighting in the lawnmower. Comes with an LED spotlight. You can ensure you're getting every crevasse down there. Travel-friendly and risk-free trial from Manscaped offers a 30-day money-back guarantee. You can try the beards and balls bundle completely risk-free. Come on. What are you waiting for?

Don't cut corners on your grooming routine. Upgrade the beard and balls bundle from Manscaped. Visit manscaped.com. Use the code BADFRIENDS to get 20% off plus free shipping. Or if you need it today, you can find Manscaped at a store near you. Stay fresh this season for everyone's sake. Level up your grooming game today. That's not something you say. You're right. You're right. No, no. Who's the other person you want to throw a stone at? I'm curious now. He said you wanted another king. Another king. Yeah, okay. I'll throw this out. Billy Burr.

Yeah, he goes, his way of saying it is like, he'll call me kiddo. Right? Does he rub your head? You guys are the same age. I know, and he doesn't really, you know what I mean? Yeah.

talk to me that much. Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up? Yeah. He doesn't talk to anybody that much. Bill is a very quiet. I don't like that. You wanted him to be more chatty, more chatty. Bill Burr to be more chatty. I've, I love him. He loves you too. We've worked together many times. Yeah. Anyway, let's move on. Okay. Shots are fired. Shots are not fired. No. Why? Because I said that Shane Gillis is bloated looking.

How is that a shot fired? That's legitimately a shot fired. Okay. Is it not? Am I crazy? Of all weeks. Okay, here we go. I know. He's hosting SNL. That doesn't look Shane Gillis sleeping. Oh, my God, dude. You're fucked. Damn. Shut up. Imagine a nudist beach and Shane Gillis at it. Bingo. Look at that. There he is. I will say this.

You are my best friend, and I love you so much. I'll go wrong. I cannot wait for him to come back at you. Like, it's fucking... Honestly? It's going to be great. I just... I feel like a fur trapper that's come out of the mountains and told you, like, you don't want that war. Dude, you think that's gilly. I'd give you some Sam Elliott knowledge right now and say, Bobby, sometimes you eat the bear. Well...

Sometimes the bear eats you. That's not funny. That's not funny. Yeah, the way you said it. My tongue? Stop it. Fuck you. Thanks for coming. I'm loving whatever's going on. I'm going to say this. You're humming hot. I'm humming hot right now. I'm on fire, dude. You're pinned. I'm going to try to dig my way out. All right.

When that whole thing happened with Shane, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I was the first one to defend him. Number two, the first time I saw him perform, I thought to myself, oh, I would never want to follow that. Yeah. He's a beast. Yes. He's an absolute beast, right? Yeah.

He's at the top of his game. Absolutely. He's got a beautiful girlfriend, right? Yes. I know his dad. I love him. Phil's a legend. Great guy, right? Yeah. I've been only respectful to his family, right? I did a little dick. I did a little, I did a little dick. I'm going to tell you right now, you moonwalking son of a bitch. Oh, I moonwalk, brother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. That might have saved you. Exactly. You walk-walked. I walk-walked. You walk-walked backwards. And I only have the greatest admiration that he's one of the kings of the world right now. He's a beast. And I discovered this when we did... No, please don't call him. I discovered this when me and Shane were guest stars on the Bert and Tom show in Vegas. Yeah. I went up first, right? And he was supposed to go before me. And I switched it.

I brought Shane on. And this was in front of 15, 20,000 seats. I was there. Yeah, you were there. And when I said his name, the kind of response that he got went through my, I had a spiritual awakening. You felt that? Is that really your laugh? Yeah, that's a laugh. That made me laugh. Gilly. All right.

What up, bro? I want to tell you, you're on the pod and we can cut it for sure because I never want to trap you. But Soder's over here right now. Soder's in studio. The man. And Bobby is over here. He's on a hot one. He's talking shit about you. And we warned him. And I said. I'm not talking shit about you, dude. Go ahead and say it, dude. Go ahead and say what you got to say to Shane Gillis. Say it. I just said that you're one of the top comics on planet Earth. You're one of the kings. No, what else? I know your dad. I know your dad. And I have great respect for you.

Is that a slam? Doesn't sound like that's what you said. I'll tell you what I said. I think you have bulgy eyes. Yeah. And sometimes you look bloated. All right. Is that war? Uh-oh. Is it war, Gillian? No, no, no, no, no. Me go to war with fucking Bobby Lee? No. Could you defeat me quickly? Yeah, I'm not. No, I think you're great, man. I look forward to the special.

See that, dude? He throws you a compliment. You insult my friend. Shane, what are you doing? Oh, my God. I feel so bad now. That's the kind of guy Gillis is. Thank you, Shane. Thank you, Shane. Love you, buddy. Talk to you later. Hey, good luck, man. I wish you guys nothing but the best. Bobby, keep it up, man. You're hilarious. I love you, Shane. Damn. Dude. That good a comedy and that good a person. So you get a two for two. Oh, my God. You feel it now, huh? You know what, though? Yeah, yeah.

At least you're reflective of it. And the accountability. I'll tell you another thing, dude. Bro. We're cutting all that out. I have control of this podcast. We're going to cut all that out. Dude. Yeah. He just texted me. What did he say? Tell him he's fucking dead. Yeah. Let me see it. Fucking dead. Told you. Wait, he really did. He really did. That's it for you, buddy. That's it for me. Woo.

Well, you know what? It was a good run. I think it's my way to get out. It's a good run. It's a good run. It's my way to get out. I'll get out. It's my way to get out. You know what, man? Yeah. Honestly, they won't be able to find me in Vermont if I stay off the internet. Yeah. I mean, I have a fantasy of just kind of getting out. You know what it is, dude? Yeah. This is like one of those Hollywood stars. Where are they now?

And this will be a grainy flashback to when it all started to plummet. Yeah, this is when the music changes. Yeah, dude. This is when the music changes on the dock. The color slowly fades. I mean, it goes black and white. Stings get slowed down. It's just punched in on you right now, contemplating.

I want to say I haven't slept a lot lately. Okay. All you do is sleep. It's literally all I do. No, but the last three days I haven't because I've been traveling and stuff. Okay. I have not been sleeping. You think you're... I'm not in my right mind. And I think that what I did was not right.

And it was like, I don't even think that's how I really feel. You know? Yeah. I think it was just a guy just out of his mind talking. Yeah. Dude, I get it. You get it. I respect it, man. And I apologize. You don't look like a security guard at a boutique. Honestly, I would have taken that over what you originally said. Yeah.

That says I am there to secure them. And I think you were one of the first people to text me when I got hurt. When I woke up and I heard about it. And we have a great relationship. Absolutely. And that's my bad. We can start anew. Yeah. And last week when I went after you. You did. Yeah. Bobby, spring's about to be sprung. I apologize for that. I was like not in my right mind. I don't care. It was actually kind of funny. Okay. I loved it. I actually thought it was very funny. Someone sent me the clip. I was like, that's pretty funny. Okay. So I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the wrong person.

I'm the bad guy. That level of accountability. Yeah, and I'm ashamed. Don't be. Of the bullshit that I said. No, stop. You are entering a new phase in life where you are taking ownership. I'm trying to figure out if I really believe what I said. So I'm going through that right now. You know what I mean? Just to be honest with you. Do I really feel that way?

Maybe, maybe not. But I shouldn't have said it out loud. That's okay. In fact, I will say this. I do believe what I said. All of it. Oh. But I shouldn't have said it out loud. Okay, dude.

Yeah, that's crazy pretty good. That was a 180 to 180. We're back where we started Watch the trial with that kind of admit. We go. Yeah, I don't I'm sorry I killed her but am I sorry I killed her Not really, but I am sorry that I did it I felt it and I'm fine for feeling that I've been masturbating in five days. Well you why haven't you jerked off in five days? I'm trying to not five days Yeah, five days is a pretty good amount of when did you notice it? Like what was the worst day so far?

Like today? Last night I tried to and I couldn't do it. Day four is when I started to get a little itchy. Ari Shafir told me that, he said this out loud, that he, you know, his girlfriend, great girlfriend, that the reason he met her in the first place is because he wasn't masturbating for a long time. And then when that happens, it motivates you to like, you know, when you meet a girl, they're like, hey, meet us at the bar and you don't go.

It motivated him to go. Yeah, because he had four balls. Yeah, yeah. So I think it is a good advice. Five days, though. You got to empty it out, man. Yeah, go empty the clip. And maybe that's why I'm acting the way I am today. That's exactly right. That actually explains a lot. You know what? That is it because you're aggressive. You're being very aggressive. I'm being very aggressive right now. Yeah, you're just horned up, dude. I'm horned up. You're a little full. So, Shane, if you're listening, don't start a war with me.

Yeah, dude. I'm horned up. You get what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. A guy getting into a fight with another guy would be like, brother, I'm just this way because you're horny. Dude, I just realized it. The reason I tried to fight you in that bar is because I have a boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just pumped out of my mind. Yeah, so I apologize. And I think people listening get it. Oh, huh. I think they get it. I think they get it too. Any rational person would get it. Yeah. Now, can I ask you another question? What do you think of...

Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix. I know you called me about this. We talked. Have you been there? Yeah, he's Tucson. He doesn't know Phoenix as well. Yeah, I know. South on I-10. So years ago, a film critic in New York Times said that that's the best pizza on planet Earth. And it became a gigantic, it's like hours away. Big planet. Yeah. Big planet to say Earth, dude. That's insane. And I went there again.

It's pretty good. It's good, dude. Is it like, have you had Frank Pepe's in Connecticut? That's like one of the, that's like the OG. Why would I go there? I don't know. You do a lot of shows. Connecticut has some of the best pizza. They're trying to make it that, they're trying to make us. Is Hartford there? In Connecticut? Yeah. Yeah. But this, but Frank Pepe's is in New Haven. Hartford, Connecticut, Funny Bone. They just, they were so rude to me. That's why I've never been back. The club? Yeah. Or the people that went to the club?

No, the management there. Really? I did one weekend there and the manager at the last night, and I'd seen him around all weekend, finally introduced himself. And he was kind of like, here's your check. Oh, damn. Maybe he had something going on. He could have had full balls. No, no, no. What if that guy had full balls? Would you have taken it if he was full balls? No, twice I've been there. Imagine he threw the check. And they were not nice to me. Well, maybe he had full balls twice.

They can fill up real quick. Okay. You know what? You're right. Maybe you're right. Yeah. So Connecticut has the best pizza. They try to. If you ever go to New Haven, you should have Frank Pepe's. New Haven. Yeah. 100%. Frank Pepe's. It's very good. Okay. But do you think so far, do you think Pizza Bianco was the best you've ever had?

I think that it's the best in the top five I've ever had, probably. Well, okay. Let's rank. How about this? This is even more, because we got in a good debate about donuts the other week. Let's rank. By the way, in Los Angeles, I go to Kettle Glaze every time I'm here. Oh, yeah. And I went and picked up a half a dozen. Oh, you are a little secret sweet boy, huh? I'm pretty loud. I'm pretty raging. I'm going to tell you something right now. I'm flaming sweet. I think you're going wrong with it.

I think you're going wrong with it, and I'm going to convince you otherwise. Kettle glaze? Yeah. The wrong way to go? Yeah. I would go, have you ever had sidecar? Mm-hmm. We brought them into the studio one time. Sidecar. What do you think of them? They're good. They're fine. Wow.

You know it's not my number one. Oh, are they like a busy donut? A busy donut, yes. Here's what I like about this. Kettle glaze goes like this. We're a donut. See, that's what I like. Not like we're a donut wearing a fruit hat. You know what these are? These are donuts that are... Hey, these are single moms now that have been through a divorce. That's who this donut is. It's got too much going on. Yeah, you go, you don't need all of this. But I'm going to double down now, my friends, okay? And I'm going to show you something that's going to blow your minds, if I may. Please. Okay?

In Korea. I'm already out. I'm in. I'm in harder. That's the right answer. South or north? I don't care. North. North, yeah, the good side. Yeah. Look at Kim Jong-un. He loves donuts. Does North Korea have a similar thing like Northern Ireland has an up the rah? Does North Korea have a fucking chant or anything like that?

- Yeah, Kilometre Gun. - Oh, I love that. - Yeah. - Or it's like, it's un time. - So there's a, they have one now, so this is a Korean company that they have one in Koreatown and it's called Old Fairy Donut. - Okay. - Okay. - That's what we call you.

You know what, dude? That's rude. You set me up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old Ferry. Old F-E-R-R-Y. Like, I'm Ferry. It is the best donut in LA. All right, we'll go to Old Ferry. Ooh, bitch. Yeah, those pictures, Bobby. You're right. This is it. Are you being sarcastic right now? No, I'm being 100% for real. I'm telling you. You showed me that first fancy shit. I don't want that. This is, yes. I want to rank this. I want to rank the most, the corporate pizza joints where they go. Because look, everyone's got their fancy pizza joints.

Give me the corporate rankings. Give me Domino's, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars. Give me fucking Sbarro can be thrown in there. I can tell you. Go. I honestly think Pizza Hut. Yes. Number one. Number one is Pizza Hut. Because the crust is buttery and something about it. Also, the way they do their pizza, it stays more of like a pizza. Domino's, they overload you with the fucking dough and the cheese. And your swearing is right for that. They're fucking dough. Yeah, yeah.

I hate it. I think Little C's is my favorite. What? Hot and ready, dude. Hot and ready. It's simple. It's simple as Little C's cheese is fine for me. What, do you have a cricket phone? Yeah. Who the fuck likes Little C's? I just like the $5. One of their toppings is cancer. I bet. It goes Pizza Hut Domino's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Papa John's. Papa John's. Pre or post N-word. I don't know. That garlic sauce, you get in the top three with that. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, I like the hot and ready. Just it saved me for a long time in my 20s financially. I think if you ate it now, you would think differently. Because we don't have that pizza now. That's the problem. I haven't eaten anything like that in a long time. Yeah, but the pizza, Little Caesars is still around. Oh, yeah. Is it? Dude, what? Every corner. Go to Western. My buddy Matt's kid just- I haven't seen a Little Caesars in forever. My buddy Matt's kid just tried it for the first time last week, and he was like, he says it's the best food he's ever had in his life. I've never seen- We're in Echo Park? Yeah, five minutes.

I'm not fucking going over there. But what if you guys had a little Caesars pizza party and it was brought to you? We keep talking about it. They might end up sponsoring the show. So I went to... Pizza, pizza. When I play Chicago improv, sometimes they get me a fresh Lou Malnolius. Yeah.

It's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, that's my, I love this. It's pretty good. It's very good. I like deep dish. I don't care what you feel about it. It's good just for that special occasion. We don't eat it on the regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I love it. It's heavy. It's too heavy for a regular. No, you eat it once in a great while. It's cake. Yeah, fork and knife. So I had this Filipino family, Kalilah's End, come from Philippines, one of the

And we went to that deep dish pizza place in Los Feliz or Echo Park. Masa. Masa. Yeah, Masa. Yeah. Very good. Yeah, it's great. They didn't eat it. What? They don't know what it is. There wasn't any bugs on it? No, no.

Yeah. There's no cardboard on it. If you shave some tree bark on this, it will be good. Say when on the tree bark. They're doing it like it's truffle. Can I introduce some tree bark? This is some oak. We're just going to shave it onto your... Yeah. Of course they didn't eat it. That's not... They're in their flavor profile. They like spicy. That pizza's a thick, doughy cake pizza. It's just a mushed up tomato. They're not going to like that. But let me say something to you, y'all.

Okay. Okay. When I'm in a different country, I'll check all of it out and I'll try it. Oh, you're saying they didn't even want to try it. Yeah. They didn't even attempt it? Look at that thing. How would you not try that? They didn't even take a bite? Yeah. I would see myself getting very upset about that. Yeah, take a bite. Being like, take a bite. I also made reservations. You guys got to check out this. Yeah. You know what I mean? Put thought into it? Exactly.

Exactly, dude. Yeah. What do they end up wanting? They want a Jollibee, right? Yeah. They love Jollibee, dude. What's Jollibee? Oh, you know what? It's their version of like a chain food restaurant. But it's, but it's, they fucking live and die by this. So much so that like. Yeah. That's Jollibee. You know. But they have spaghetti too. Show me Jollibee's spaghetti. You know, you know, Benny Blanco. That's their spaghetti. The producer. You know how you, sometimes you're in the mood for spaghetti and a chicken leg.

Yeah, what am I pregnant? It's fucking wild. Benny Blanco did a video of a food review, I think, at his house, and he caught so much shit from Filipino fans for just being like, this isn't good. Benny B? Yeah, but it's so funny how they take, this is like their shit. But the one in the Philippines that I've been to, the quality is different. It's better. Do you think it's like when you get a Guinness in Ireland?

It's just better. That's yeah. That's what it is. I don't know. That's true. They clean out their lines. I know, but you go to a good spot that serves a good Guinness. There's a couple of good Guinness spots because I, that, you know, that's my beer. I don't really drink beer, but if I'm going to have a beer, I'm drinking that. You know, I was the, I was the Guinness King. I was the brand ambassador. What? Yeah. That's what got me out. Julie, you know, Julie McCullough. I know. Yeah, I know. He did the Guinness brand ambassador thing and then he quit drinking and they were trying to find a new one and he's like, you should have my buddy Soder do it. And, uh, can I talk about him?

What's that? McCullough. Yeah. You cut off a story, but yeah. What's up? What's going on? You gonna call him bloated too? Finish your story. No. No, I was just saying, I got to go to the, I got to like go, they flew me to Dublin and I got to like, I had to drink Guinness for like two years. The best. And by the end, I was like, get this mud water out of my fucking hand. I love it. See, when he finishes it,

We should have cut it off. This guy, dude, you're a little hot, hot, hot. I almost need you to go to the bathroom. I think I have to drink. Watch you come back. And it's just, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to get, you know what? You're right. I'm going to be more mindful about it. I'm not going to say what I want to say about Julian McCullough. I think it's another war. Go ahead. Let me hear it. You might as well, dude. You're starting it up. So when I met him, he used to live in LA. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought, what a handsome fella. He is? Yeah. Yeah.

Something happened. Yo, are you saying he lost his look something happened? Did you fall out of love with him? Cuz he's still handsome. Maybe you fell out of love with him. He's a pretty good-looking guy Yeah, I guess he still got it. Okay. What did you think you should you see him on an off night? I mean look at it. Yeah, so when I saw him recently He's just got older. That's it. Like we all do he came like six pounds to Bobby's like Tim Gunn. Oh

He's like, what are you, fat bitch? Look at this gross pig. I loved it. Ew. What a fantastic. Julian rules. He's so funny. He's very, very funny. I love him. Anyway. And thanks for giving me the brand ambassador job in 2011. Thank you, Julian. I got to quit waiting tables because of it. Wow. It was pretty sick. Isn't that great when something like that changes your fucking life? I mean, changed my life. I bought a laptop.

I didn't own a laptop from 2007 to 2011. Slow down. Is Joe Matariz still around? I don't know. You know him? Yeah, I know Joe Matariz. Yeah.

The first time I made enough money to buy like a new laptop, like a real one, I didn't watch porn on it. I was so scared. Yeah, you didn't want to, yes, you didn't want to damage it. I didn't want to hurt her. I was like, keep her in good shape. No, only emails and videos. For years, I was like so afraid. I was like, no, it's going to fuck it up. And this is the first one I could afford, so no, I'm not going to fuck it up. Yes. That's how I felt about my iPhone. First time I got an iPhone, I'm like, I'm watching porn on this thing. And then you're like, oh, you can watch porn on this thing? Right. That's all I wanted. And now that's all it is for. Yes. Dan, um...

How are you dealing with the fame? Brother day by day. He takes it day by day. But do you like it? I'm not famous. What are you talking about? Can I tell you why you are? Because I'm hanging out with somebody. She introduced me to these family members. Sure. And there was a guy involved, and he was like, do you know Dennis Hoda? No, they were white. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

You know what, though? You seem to think all the people I hang out with are Asian. No, I didn't get an accent in all episode. I figured I had to do it now because we talked about it. Okay, okay, okay. Honestly, at the buzzer, nailed it. Yeah, but he...

He's a huge fan of yours. Oh, that's awesome. He's like, I love, you know, what's he like? You know what I mean? Yeah. I swear to God. And I'm like, who, Dan? He goes, yeah, what's he like? He seems to be his biggest fan. He's the man. I've seen people talk about you many times. Really? So there is a level of fame and you know it because when you go to clubs, you sell out, right? Yeah. So why does that happen? Because I've been going to cities for years. That's not why. It's because your presence is elevated. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, you write...

Can we agree with that? So how are you dealing with it? I didn't know who this guy was before he walked in the door. I just randomly walked in. Can I sit down on your podcast? Also, people that we have on this podcast are people that are elevated. Yeah. So how does it feel? It feels good. Okay. God. Thank you. By the way, Bobby, I'm sorry. Easy fucking answer, dude. Just like the way you described me. So rad. You went, the worst thing with me is...

me trying to be confident with myself. Yeah. It's hard to, I know. You can shit on me all you want. Bring it on, baby. Yeah. We can have fun. But the second you go like, good job, I go, how's this fucking? It's the hug and stepbrother. Why are we like that? It's the hug and stepbrothers. Because it's what, you just said it earlier. It's the bullying that made you funny. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm shocked when people are like, come to my shows and it's sold out or whatever. I always turn to the manager and go, is there some sort of promotion going on? And they go, what do you mean? I go, I mean, is it a two for one or what's going on? He goes, no, it's regular pricing. You sold out. And I'm always, I look in the audience and I go, wow. I've told this story before on the regs, but I was working the blue room in Springfield, Missouri. And I drove from Kansas City to Springfield and I had a bunch of texts and people were like,

They're like, dude, the club's running a special where if they buy tickets to you, they're entered into a raffle to see Matt Rife. And like so many comics texted me, screen grabbed it and sent it to me. They're like, wow.

Really? Yeah. Same audience. They were like, hey, buy tickets to this fucking ogre and then maybe you can see Matt Rife. And it worked. It worked? Wow, yeah. My ticket sales were dog shit and there were people there and it was pretty wild. Wow, wow, wow, wow. That's like where you're like, oh, so you guys are running around. Okay. And then when it really happens, you go.

First time I played the Mall of America. Yeah, House of Comedy. Dude, maybe 20 people, maybe. And that's like a 500 seat room. That's a full circle moment though, taping your special in Minneapolis. That was pretty cool. It was really cool. That one hurt a lot though, the mall. Because you walk into- It's a big room too. And you have to walk into the mall before you go to a club, which hurts you twice. It's also top floor. Yeah, you have to pass- You have to go up escalator

and elevators. And honestly, that Jamba Juice is doing some heavy lifting. Yeah, there's a bug in it. I'm getting an Orange Dream machine and then I'm going upstairs and just... By the way, it's an Orange Julius now.

I'm just kidding. I'm glad you said that because that was my worst turnout of all time. I got, I ate them all of them. Oh my God. And I just, I can see an image of me like a Paul Thomas Anderson shot of me like going down the escalator when it's over passing, like the guy at journeys, like turning off the lights, shutting the cage. Yeah. Like, yeah, dude, it hurts. It hurts so much when you like have to do that, but it makes you,

a great comic and to piggyback what you're saying, not to be a sappy fuckhead, but I thank every, every set. Now I've been thanking the fans and I did it every night at the special because it does mean the world to me that they show up. I think it's so dope that they come out. It's it, dude, it, it never has made me go. Yep. Knew it. Every time I go out, I go, wow, dude, thank you. Unreal. Amazing. Do you have, but there's a couple of comics we know, you know, that are like,

I knew it was going to be this way. That's crazy. I do get resentments, though, of clubs...

That didn't treat you well. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then now you won't play them? Yeah. I got a couple. What do you mean? Totally. I got a couple. Is that right though? Is that healthy? That's like if any regular person at your regular job at home, whatever job that you work, if someone treated you poorly in your customer route and then you started doing well on some other version of your job and then those customers wanted to come back, you'd be like, get fucked. Yeah. The clubs I play now are the clubs that,

are necessarily not because of the draw, but it's because they treated me when I was down. Yeah. So when I talked about Hartford, Connecticut at that funny bone, I was down then. Yeah. Right. And I just want people to be regular and nice. Yeah. When they're good to you and they don't have a reason to be. I have loyalty. Yeah. You're like, oh, cool. Then I'll come back.

They used to be good to me, by the way. I'm not saying not changed, but when I was doing those house comedies in Bronson's rooms, they were always good to me. Edmonton's great. Now, that's where we might differ. Oh, you got clipped out there. There might be a reason why I don't.

Use them as a club chain. Oh I fucking you want to talk about one of my worst weekends of my life Yeah, was that that fucking Clubhouse a comedy in Scottsdale? It's not you know It's North Scottsdale. It's rich dude at a point It looked like a moon base when you drive up and you'd be like there's nothing it looks like Mars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And I just ate shit

Every night. So bad. Is that 12 years ago again? Yeah, it was 2013, 2014. Wow, wow, wow. I think the Edmonton happened like 2016, 2017. This is like 2014. I remember specifically I called Gary Goldman and Gary Goldman was like, just do your best stuff, keep your head down, get through the weekend. Oh, yeah. Because it was just fucking eating. I'll tell you why, though. From a socioeconomic standpoint, you're not...

That's not your crowd. No. Yeah, this is like retirees. This is a lot of like old couples. Oh my God. Yeah, this is- I also have like some resentment for Arizona because you went to school there. Oh yeah. We both went to school there and you kind of come back and you're like, you weren't that nice to me. Why were you so mean to me? Yeah, you got like- What were you doing to me? You come back and you're like- Hold on to those things. You're like, I couldn't get pussy fucks.

for shit at this school and now I'm coming back and being like, but I'm doing a show in Tucson this fall. I'm very excited. I haven't been back to Tucson in like fucking years. Plug it, by the way. Are you playing the school?

No, no, no, no. I don't know what venue we're doing yet, but we're setting it up. Have you ever played this school? No. I have zero interest. One day I want to play ASU. I don't know why, because I think Schwartzen played there when I was in school. That's awesome. Yeah. Wow. Well, he was fucking... I want to do the Rialto, because that's where I saw Chappelle in Tucson. That's sick. During the Blackzilla season one of Chappelle's show. It was a fucking...

Wow. Without a doubt, one of the greatest live stand-up shows I've ever seen in my life. Guy did like 70, came back out, did 20 on chords. Get fucked. Get fucked. Ripping it. I hate that. We're doing 26 tops. Yeah. Yeah.

Bring up Soty's dates. If you want to see Dan Soter on tour, he's on tour right now here in February, March, April, May. He's everywhere. There's Balboa Theater down there in San Diego. So Richmond, Virginia. I'm going to be at the Funny Bone April 4th and 5th. And then in Spokane, Comedy Club, May 1st through the 3rd. We've got a big announcement coming up with a bunch of shows that I'm going to hopefully be dropping very soon.

That are not on this list? That are not listed. Are you doing like a skanks thing? No. Okay. I'm doing like a tour. With a bunch of other guys? No. By myself. Okay. Big boy shit. All right, big dog. Put on some big pants. Well, go to dansoder.com if you do want to go see one of the funniest comedians we know touring across the country. We love you. Dan, look at that camera. Say thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. God, your voice. It's so good. Woo!