Phaedra Parks & Ryan Bailey: Caskets & Crystals
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Huggies Little Movers, made with double grip strips or with the new Hugg Fit 360 degree waistband so your mini-me can keep moving like you. Huggies, we got you, baby. When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops. I've learned from my mistakes, and that's what I want to teach people. Don't do what I have done. This show, I mean, you guys really start some shit. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as an asshole. I just want people to do their jobs. Jeff Lewis has issues.

Hey, it's Jeff Lewis, and I have issues. In today's episode, Phaedra Parks and Ryan Bailey join the show. We talk about oversized caskets, precariously placed crystals, and men with large tongues. Can I ask you something, Phaedra? Because a lot of people that come in, they think, I think they don't realize that we're live. Yeah. Because they kept saying, six minutes. Yeah.

Yes. Four minutes. Two minutes. And you didn't seem to flinch. So I thought that maybe, oh, maybe she just thinks we could start like a couple minutes late. No, no, no, no. I realized it. I was like- Oh, okay. Because some people think, I don't think they realize we're live live. I just took it as she is a professional. She's been doing this for a long time. That's right. Speak on it. There's no nervous energy coming from Phaedra. Zero. It's all coming from me. It's interesting. Nerves of steel Phaedra is at. Well, welcome. Thank you, guys. First of all, I have to thank you because-

The last time I saw you was about a year ago. Yes. And we were at the Watch What Happens Live 15-year anniversary. And I was fortunate enough to sit next to Phaedra. So we were in the, there was two rows. I think it was either four, I think four people. Yeah, right here. So there was four people in the first row. I had Jerry O'Connell next to me. You had Portia Williams next to you. And then in the second row behind us was Teresa Giudice, Countess Loranda's

Dayla Sepps and then Sonia Morgan. Now, uh, now we've spoken about this before, but, uh,

Basically, Sonia was disruptive. She was intoxicated. And she started basically talking shit literally behind my back. Literally. Like right behind my back. She thought she was on the Housewives. A reunion. It was Phaedra that you put your hand on me and you said, don't react. Don't.

Turn around, leave it alone, let it go. Leave it alone. Can you just do that all the time? But by the way, that's Phaedra's training as a lawyer. No, she really did. And I think it was the hand that did it. Because when she put, it was like just enough pressure where she's like, stop. Don't do it. It's not worth it. No. Because you know, in Housewives fashion, it would have went from zero to 100. Yeah.

It would have. And in hindsight, I mean, I was really glad you were there next to me because it was an incredible night celebrating Andy. And it could have been disruptive. And have overshadowed the event. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Now, did you notice at one point, because she kept responding to everything he was saying, that they cut her mic? Well, yeah, I figured that. I knew it was only a matter of time. I mean, it was so interesting, though, because I've never seen Sonya like that.

You haven't watched the show? Or Crappy Lake or any of those? Well, you know, you hear the tales, but every time we're together, she's best behavior. I see. So I do want to remind people, I'm sure everyone knows who you are, but you were on The Real Housewives of Atlanta from seasons three to nine. You're back in season 16. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. But you've also been very busy in there.

So you were on The Ultimate Girls Trip season 2 and 5. You were on Dancing with the Stars season 33. You were on Married to Medicine seasons 10 and 11. And then...

- "Traitors" season three. - "The Castle." - She was so amazing on "The Traitors" because she sold every line where I was like, "Oh my God, people actually are gonna get murdered." Like I thought it was real because you would be up in that turret and you would be like, "We must destroy tomorrow night." And you believe, like I believed everything that you said. - Very dramatic. - You know what, that is the best time I've ever had working ever. - Really? I mean, you shine. - It was so good.

Because it was the one time that, you know, being in reality TV where you, I could just be myself. I didn't have to worry about seeing the people next year. You know, it was like, if they're dead, they're dead. You know, if I never see them again, it's okay. It's a funny experiment because the stakes are so high. Oh, God. But also-

They're totally fake. It's a show. It's all a game. It's self-imposed. It's a game, yeah. Isn't it crazy how popular that show is? Oh, man. Oh, I mean, they just started filming, I think, this past week. Yes, yes. And Dorinda's back for a second season. Yes, thank God. Because I was like,

What advice, because I bet Dorinda will be a traitor this next season. I hope so. What advice do you give other housewives that go on to that show? Well, just to not go in hot because, you know, sometimes we can be very sort of aggressive and vocal. And that's the type of show you need to just go in very calm and just read the room.

And housewives sometimes can't read the room. We come in and kill the room. Well, I'm curious. I also, you know, in addition to all the reality shows and everything, you're an attorney. Yes.

You run and own the Parks Group. Yes, yes. And I didn't realize this. So I knew that you were, I knew that you specialize in civil and criminal litigation. I read that you also specialize in intellectual property rights. But I didn't realize that you also specialize in entertainment law. And I was curious, have you ever represented any Bravo Leberties? Yes. And negotiated contracts? Of quite a few.

For real? Quite a few. It would make sense because of all your connections with Bravo. Yeah.

If anyone knows the deal and what people... The Bravo universe. Yes, is you. It's very, very smart. Can I ask how many... You don't have to say the names, but how many people... I've probably represented about six Bravo liberties. And you obviously negotiate your own contract. No, I don't. You don't. A lawyer that has a self-employed client represents a fool. I see. No, I have a wonderfully huge firm. Jill Smith is my attorney right out here in Beverly Hills.

I see. Okay, so you have someone else representing. Yeah, because of course that would be a little too close for comfort, you know, fighting for yourself against your employer. That would be weird. It can make it weird. But that's how Andy and I met. It is? Yeah. You represented Andy? No, no, no. No, we represented another Bravo Liberty. No, when Andy was looking to buy B and Bobby Brown.

Yeah. So I was the attorney for Bobby Brown. And so we met for lunch and, you know, I just loved his energy. And I was like, I think we should work with that guy. Isn't it wild how life works? Oh, my gosh. Who would have thought? Who would have thought? And that was over probably almost 20 years, if not more now. Yeah, no, that was definitely over 20 years ago. I'm...

at everything you do and how you manage it and your, you know, two sons. And then in addition, which I'm saying the best for last, I am fascinated about your, your amortition. Yes.

I mean, you make me want to die because I just want to go visit your mortuary. Like, I mean, like, imagine. I mean, Faina Parks working on your death. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. You look beautiful. Radiant. Finally. So you own a funeral home in Atlanta? Well, I co-own. Co-own. Okay. Fine. So, yeah. So I'm partnered with the best funeral director in the world. And then how involved are you?

Well, okay. I'll be honest. I don't do it every single day because I work my other job. So I do intense, you know, two weeks and then I maybe will go back to TV. But the funeral business is sort of in the African-American culture is a weekend business. So we hold most of our funerals between Thursday and Sunday. Okay.

Okay. And it's a night business, you know. You're getting people together at nighttime. Do you find that it's recession-proof? Oh, of course. I'm interested. People have to be born and they have to die. People have really held off on dying lately. Yeah. And I think it's creative on so many different levels. Oh, it's so creative. I think it really could be a career for me because, A, I had years ago someone hire me to plan a

a wedding in Laguna Beach and I really enjoyed it and I really thought for a second like I really like this party planning idea. I also love a makeover and I'm curious. So if you get some like frumpy housewife, okay, and do you like, do you do them up in a way where people don't even recognize them? Well, that's not good because you want the people to know it's you. Yeah. So what makes a good final

you know, presentation is the person looks like they're sleeping. Okay. Yeah. You want to look radiant, but at rest, you want to look like yourself though. So I don't want to make, I don't want to like Botox your face up, which we can do that.

I make you too tight. I think I want to be Botoxed. Yeah, I mean, the process is filling. But by the way, Jeff, that's a great idea for a Flipping Out reboot is that you take over some sort of mortuary firm. Let's do it together. Did you buy an existing mortuary? You didn't start it from scratch with all the licensing and the permits and all that. We want to take over someone else's funeral home. No, no. But I think that's a brilliant show, though.

You know, reboot, you know. Well, how close did you ever come? Because I know we've shared elements of it on like Married to Medicine and things like that. But how close did you ever come to a show just about that business? Well, people have asked me to do it quite a few times, but it's just got to be...

Right. And, you know, it can't make a mockery of it because it's definitely the most important, you know, event of your life outside of being born. And then if you'd be like, this is the crazy crew I work with. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't I never want to make it look anything other than respectful, you know, because you're really celebrating someone's life.

You don't want to make fun of that. It's got to be good. So you're planning a party. You're doing a makeover. I mean, I have no issues with cadavers. Like I totally, that doesn't bother me. Jeff prefers that.

Do you do like, okay, so when you're doing the makeup, is it just like a little powder bronzer or do you do like a spray tan? No. Because I'm like spray tanned right now. Have you tried Wise Beauty? Yeah. But no, so the makeup has to be very well hydrated because you've got to think once someone passes, they're drying constantly. So you do a lot of moisturizing, but it's got to be very hydrating. And we actually spray it.

Yes. Moisture on them at night so that they continue to look beautiful the next day. I want that machine. Yeah. So do you spray and then do the makeup and then just keep spraying? Well, no, you keep setting it as you go. But at night, before you obviously put them away, you obviously give them a little more moisture so that the next day they're still looking refreshed because it's still drying. And do you have any women that wear kind of lower cut dresses where you have to do makeup like...

You know, you get to choose what you want to wear. Your family chooses if they want you in a burial gown, your favorite outfit. Some people have bad taste. If they know she's a ho, they're going to dress her up. Make sure the girls are showing. But you've got to think the people who put you away. Some people have planned out everything.

Others have not planned out anything. So their parents or whoever's in control decides, like, is she going to look like an angel or a devil? Is she going to look like she's going to church? Is she going to look like, you know, she's really going to meet Jesus? Do people ever wear, like, sequins?

Not too dressy. Not a lot. Yeah, it's not a reunion. For the afterlife. Yeah, I mean, I don't think I've seen that many sequins. We get people that want changes. So like the first day they want to be seen in this outfit, the next day we change them to another outfit. It's like Cher. Wow.

Yeah, so we do get the three change people. I'm cool with one outfit, but would you do like a suit and a tie with me? Or would you do no tie? No, I would do a suit and a tie. I think so too. Yeah, I want you to look just like really when Jesus sees you.

- Jesus is like, "Whoa, Jeff, you look awesome." - I hope it's Jesus that I see. - It may not be Jesus, Phaedra. - Where did you get those horns, Jesus? That's amazing. - Do you deal with cremation at all? Because we were talking about if Jeff was cremated, what would happen to all of his filler, et cetera. - Yeah, what happens with the silicone? Will it melt? - Oh, honey. Okay, so cremation obviously is a retort machine, which is basically a huge oven.

And it is very hot. So if you have a lot of fat on you, I'm going to smell it and it's going to be popping. Sorry in advance. It's going to be like popcorn. Like bacon. But yeah, I mean, but everything is going. But once you come out, just like if you burned a piece of chicken, it's still bones.

So let me ask you. So I burn Ryan, right? Yeah. Great. Thank you. We have to make sure it's completely clean. No, no, no. Because I don't want to mix Ryan's ashes with mine. Okay. There's an HBO docuseries called The Mortician out right now where that's the guy went to jail because he was mixing. He was putting all of these bodies in the burn chamber and just mixing up bones with bones. A case in Georgia. Yeah, that was a huge case in Georgia about probably maybe 16, 17 years ago about the mortician that-

his stove went out and he just began putting kitty litter and all kinds of stuff in the urns. And he was basically burying the people in his backyard. Oh, no. Yeah. It's a huge case. That's going to be a haunted house. Yeah. What do we do? And, uh,

if I'm too big to fit in that casket? What do we do? Do we get an extra big- We have an oversized casket. Okay, good. This is great for Weight Watchers. If you can get you a smaller casket. We will get a custom casket. It'll be gorgeous. How much more is my daughter going to pay for that XXXL casket?

- Well, it just depends because caskets are based on gauges, which is the amount of steel in them. - Okay. - Ooh. - Yeah. And then it's also based on, like if you want mahogany, you know, people really want to be fancy. Some people just want, you know. - I think like a light Rift Oak would be pretty. - Ooh. - Oh, very on trend. - With black hardware, gorgeous, like my kitchen.

That would be gorgeous. Can I do that? No, you can get whatever you want. As long as you can afford it, you can have it. So what is my daughter... Okay, so let's just say I'm not cremated. What is my daughter going to spend? I want something. I want like a real... Well, I'm going to need some extras, I think, to attend. I love that Phaedra thought she was coming in to talk housewives. They're like, when I die... What's it going to cost me, really? Well, okay...

Just run of the mill, basic funeral. You could probably get it easy, you know. And in certain states, they require different things. Okay. You know, different type of burial things for the actual plot if you're going to be buried. Yes. You know. So, but just average funeral calls. Just a very basic $7,000, $8,000. That's it? That's it.

And then will you offer financing? Oh, absolutely not. No, no financing. No Klarna. No. Because I'm wondering high interest financing, collateral. No, for our funeral home. No, because you've got to think about it. Once the person's in the ground, you're never going to see anyone. They're never coming back. I understand that, but we've got the... It doesn't matter. You're not going to dig them up if they don't pay, are you? No. No. No.

Okay. So you got to get it before they go. So we wanted to put them on their credit cards. We'll take all credit cards. We'll take all credit cards. Do we take Discover?

We'll take Discover. We can figure it out. Okay. Now, this is where we're going to make a fortune. And this is one of the reasons why I was excited that you were here today. Is that we have been reading up on these machines that turn the ashes into diamonds. Oh, I am very familiar. Yes. Okay. It's 200 grand from what I understand, which I think we should absolutely get it. Yes. Oh, no, no, no. I think that...

I mean, cremation is very popular right now. So I think people would love to wear their mom on their ring. Yes. Or even just chumps if they could get a little piece of Jeff as a diamond. I didn't even think about that. I mean, we could have the $10,000 dinners going into perpetuity. We could just have a sell it Jeff diamond to. I never thought about that. I wonder how many diamonds we can make out of my ashes. Oh, with your size? I mean, I think at least 300. Yeah, I think you could. Not 300.

How many diamonds do you think? I guess it depends on the size. Well, I guess, yeah, because of course you could get a huge diamond, you know, go all out. But they could be commemorative. You're right. Commemorative.

And that sets your daughter up for life. Well, I wouldn't say for life, for a week. Your daughter's very excited. She's into LeBoubous right now. Oh, my gosh. Are your kids into that? No. I have sons. Yes. President and prince. Yes. Yes. Yeah. It's funny that you say that. And we'll go back to the funeral. I know that all my listeners really want me to go back to that. But it's funny because I did notice that you got a little criticism online.

because you fly your kids first class. - Is that not the craziest thing? - That is the dumbest thing. Well, first of all, my kid is, you've got young kids, my kid is eight. If there is an emergency, I want her right next to me.

What parent, especially if you are a celebrity, would be in first class and have the kid in coach? You would be surprised. You would be surprised at how many people do it. Remember, was it Mariska Hargitay? Yeah. Had the whole family in the back and she and her husband were in the front. And it's fine. I'm not judging, even though I am.

But, yeah, a lot of people do it. And I understand. That's awful. They're trying to teach their kids, you know, a lesson. But that can backfire on you. Yeah, what kind of lesson is that? I'll tell you why it's going to backfire. Because if they start misbehaving, get sick.

No, I think they just don't want them to work for it. That they're not, you know, that they're learning. But it's other ways to teach work ethic. Yeah, I just don't want my kid in the back. And what if she was sitting next to some creepy person? I don't want, and if there's an emergency, I want to be there. I don't want to have to try to get to her in row 44. And that's why I'm so thankful Phaedra has agreed to be my mom as of today. So excited about this. So this wealthy, I've talked about this before, wealthy, wealthy client.

And they had several children. I'm not going to say how many. Several children. And they made it a point not to spoil these kids. Like, a little extreme. So, kids always flew economy. They all had to... And there was a lot of them. Had to share a car, you know, which was like mom's old car. The whole thing. They made it a point. Now, I think that can backfire on you. Because, you know, I'm not saying I was spoiled. But...

I was raised differently. And as a result, I wanted to maintain that lifestyle. So I've worked very hard to maintain that lifestyle. That's a good thing. Now, I find that these kids now who are grown adults are extremely unmotivated and are fine with their basic jobs and their basic apartments and their basic cars. And they don't really have any interest in anything more than that.

So I think that, and it's all of them, by the way. And I just think that I think it can backfire on you. Dang, that's awful. Well, okay, so this is my thing. My children don't travel with me all the time. But when they travel with me, they're going to have the same experience that I'm having. Yes. I mean, I don't want them...

First of all, I'm never going to have them away from me because I'm a very helicopter mom. Yeah. So I know everything that they're doing. You know, I have cameras everywhere in my house. So there's really no privacy when it comes to me being a mom.

And I mean, and I'm a black woman. I'm a black mama. So I believe in chores. I believe in, you know. Wait, what kind of chores are we talking about? My parents maybe do the garbage. I had to mow the lawn. Garbage, wash dishes. And when I say wash dishes, I mean run some water and wash them with your hands and soap. Yeah, yeah. And we use the dishwasher for the dryer. We don't use it for washing. Do they get an allowance for this?

They get to live in my beautiful home. So you're making them, so they wash, so I'm a big thing with the dishwasher. Like I make sure all the food is off the plate. No, they're going to wash it with their hands. My kids here, all these kids, they don't always rinse their dishes and they'll put it in the dishwasher and there's food stuck. And then Phaedra, when after the dishwasher is done, it's not clean because they didn't wash off their plates. So we don't have that problem because the dishwasher is only a drying place.

I think Monroe needs to now start wiping off her plates. I think that's next. She needs chores. Shane, talk to her. When did you start giving the boys chores? Um...

Seven, eight. Okay, we're there. Yeah, so I mean, they have to make up their beds before they go anywhere. The house has to be clean. But my kids also work. They work in the funeral home. They do? Yeah. Monroe needs to work in the funeral home. Literally. Yeah. She's just going to be dripping in diamonds. Can we say, do you offer internships? We could get Monroe with you for the summer. That'd be great. Come on, Monroe. Let me get together. But no, so they work in the law office. I mean, wherever I work, they're working too.

And so my youngest, my oldest son, he actually was out here last week in Beverly Hills doing an internship at Mercer's.

Merrill Lynch. Whoa. He's 15, right? He's 15. Just turned 15 two weeks ago. How long was his internship? So it was only for the week and they invited him back for another week. Great. Wow. So yeah, so he got to, you know, go to the polo lounge, but I want... Every important internship is at the polo lounge, by the way. If it's about money. Joey Zausig was there. And so, you know, I want them to be exposed to different things. And so they cut the garage

the grass. I mean, they, you know, and I'm going to show a video of my youngest son. He's a tailor. So he sews because my idea is obviously I've done well for myself, but I want my children to also be resourceful. So, you know, when my youngest son couldn't find pants that he wanted, I was like, I'm going on Amazon. I'm going to buy you a sewing machine and you're going to learn how to sew. And so now he has a pants company. Sure.

Geez. Wow. Yeah. Wait, can I buy a pair of pants from your son? TheStarArchive.com. Wow. I'm going on right now? Yeah. So he makes these cute little pants. And he started making them for his teachers at school. And so I was like, now we can't be making all these little vegan leather pants for the teachers. We got to sell this. We got to make it to a business. So yeah. Are you going to buy the diamond machine?

I'll buy the diamond machine. I think you should. Yeah. I really think you should. Okay, good. We're back. People love some jewelry. My grandma passed away last year and they offered, we were at the mortuary, and they offered you can shoot your loved one into space. What? The ashes. Ooh.

You offer that? How do we do that? Yeah, it was crazy. It was like the diamond thing was one of them, but then you can shoot it on a rocket ship. I don't think anyone wants to do that. We will make so much more shooting you into space. You might get Katy Perry backlash. And I will say the rocket does have other purposes. They're not just shooting people to space. It's actually very sweet. I watched...

video of people so like the rockets taking whatever you know stuff to the International Space Station my grandma that's who they're taking and the tip of the rocket are the people so it's like they're watching it take off and they're like bye Jerry

You know, it's very... I don't know. Is there a big demand for that? No, I don't want to do that. I love the diamond idea. Yeah, the diamonds is beautiful. So I think they were saying you could, you know, depending on the size of the diamond, but people could spend an additional, what is it, $15,000, $30,000, $50,000, depending on the size of the diamond. I think it's a great upsell. Of course it is. Wait, another great upsell. You just did the Atlanta reunion. Yes. Like, you should have a thing where you'll take their ashes to a reunion. Oh.

Oh my God. I mean, it's an idea. Like, wouldn't that be if they were a huge housewives show? No, that's a terrible idea. Well, yeah, that's a nice idea. Are you dumb? Housewives and a lot of, no props, especially not in Atlanta. Are we doing the flowers or do we subcontract that out? No, we subcontract the flowers out. Because it'd be kind of fun to do flower arrangements too. I love to do a flower arrangement. Yeah. But yeah, we don't do them ourselves.

But it's kind of nice. So you have your subcontractors. So let's just say I go in like I have nothing going on this weekend and I want to do a couple flower arrangements and I want to do some makeup. I can go in and do that. Otherwise we get subcontracted. Exactly. And then do you ever speak at the funerals for them? All the time. Are you a minister? I am not a minister, but I'm definitely called by Christ. She could be one. I still remember the prayer you did in Ultimate Girls Trip. But both of my parents are pastors and I'm from a family of...

10 bishops. So, yeah. So we definitely got a strong. See, that gives you cred, right? It gives you credibility. So I would think because you're religious, because you're Christian, you know what I mean? I would feel more comfortable going to your funeral home. Yeah. I mean, I need to go to church. Yeah. I haven't been in a while. What's a while? What's a long time? Years. How many decades?

Could be decades. Could be decades. Hey, if you're going to hell, call in. It could be decades. Yeah, you got to get the kids in church. I pray. I just don't go to church to pray. Well, no, no, that's okay. Do your kids know the Lord's Prayer? No. I only have one kid. You got to teach them the Lord's Prayer. She's got to know the Lord's Prayer. Shane, will you teach her? She has a lot of little boo-boos, though. Well, the little boo-boos won't save them.

Are you doing the ultimate ladies cruise? And is that like these housewife? No, I'm not. Well, no, it's been postponed. Oh, okay. There's all these cruises now. Oh my gosh, I just got asked to do another cruise. I can't keep them straight. Yeah, but it's, I like to cruise. I used to do it all the time. But you know, cruises, you know, as a kid, like we would do cruises, like we were cruiser-holics. But,

You know, now I'm like getting stuck on a ship. You see all that weird stuff that's happening on these ships? Oh, there's a new Netflix documentary called Trainwreck Poop Cruise about the cruise from 20 years ago. You and this documentary? No, this is like in the top 10. What the hell's that? Well, it was this cruise about 20 years ago that all their power went out. There was a fire in the engine room and then everything went out and then the toilet system overfilled the engine.

and they were having people, they were passing out red bags to go do your business in. Don't you remember on the news it showed people they dragged their mattresses out on the deck? CNN had huge ratings covering this story. It was called the poop cruise. They couldn't tug them in because they couldn't get the tugboat. They were just floating out there. But that's a great ultimate girls trip idea. If it's like Phaedra, Shannon, Teresa on a poop cruise. Yeah, I think someone would go overboard. So you were on Ryan's show before.

Yes. Yeah, she's one of the best spokespeople out there, which your Cheez-Its commercial. Is it Cheez-Its? Yeah, it's great. They air it on Bravo all the time. But it was like a quick 15 minute. And she's the best because Phaedra always knows what to say. And then if you watch her on camera, you could just do an hour. I said this the other week. You could just do an hour of watching Phaedra's reactions. Like on Atlanta, your reactions are so top tier. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. So you don't know much about Ryan. He has a very, you're not engaged yet. No. No. You just keep, I mean, you keep talking about it. I'm not talking about it at all, Jeff. No, I mean. So how long have you been dating? Okay, we keep talking about it. Let's get into his love. No, I have the, well, I can't go into it. Yeah. Okay, so apparently he's got a very, very nice girlfriend, Rebecca. Uh-huh.

How did this get to him? How long have you been dating her? Wait, how did we get to this from funeral? Well, because I want Phaedra to know a little bit about you. He's very vulnerable. He has very sensitive nipples. Don't do this to Phaedra. Don't do this. He also was a bedwetter as an adult. As an adult? No, no. That's a lie and a half. Until like 11 or 12 years old. Yeah. Yeah.

You had anxiety. Why did you do this? I respect Faye Drisselma. Don't do this to me. He also was a spa boy. Okay. What does that mean? It just means I passed out water and towels at a high reputable spa. And he got big tips. No. Everybody at home can't see this, but Jeff did a jack off motion. I'm sorry, a masturbation motion. Yes. Thank you.

So how did you get a job as a spa boy? I just moved to Los Angeles from Arizona. I was young. I needed the work. No, it was a thing. You would pass out cold towels. He got a lot of tips. There was four boys that were working there. You're making up stuff now. No, you told me that. And Ryan and one other guy made a lot of tips.

So just connect the dots, Phaedra. But wait, was the spa for co-ed? It was co-ed. Men and women. But didn't you work in a men's locker? Doesn't matter if it was co-ed. You were in the men's locker. Well, he would have to be. He couldn't be in the girls' locker. Exactly! Sorry to scream into the mic there. You're getting defensive now. I am because this is Phaedra Parks and she's like a legend and then you're embarrassing me in front of her. I love weird kids' stories. Wait, wait, wait. Ask her about the yoni egg.

Oh, yeah. That ultimate go-out. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. What was that? The what? Like, I will put crystals in my vagina sometimes just to clear out the negative energy. Really? And she went on a date one time and had to... Can I put them... That's what we do with your diamonds? Well, you know what? I wonder. You could probably get a small crystal and put it up your butthole. Yeah.

But it's not going to get lost, is it? With all the other things? Let me tell you about these crystals. Because they have, you know, healing properties, when you put them up there, they like attach. So even if you want to get it out, it can't until it finishes the work. Okay, because I, I mean, since we're being vulnerable, Ryan. Thank you. I had two hemorrhoids that took me forever to get rid of. Okay.

And I'm wondering if the crystals would have helped heal the hemorrhoids. Maybe put a rose quartz, which is the love crystal, up your butt. And, I mean...

Shane, can we order some rose crystal? That's a great addition to the funeral service as well. Make sure it's flared, please. Not flared! Well, we don't want it getting lost. But it needs to get up in there so it can do its work. And it'll come down automatically. When I tell you I had this crystal and it was like a quail's egg. And I put it in there and I felt the energy. I was in Target.

This is before Target was no DEI. Met the most beautiful man in the world. And we went, you know, he was getting ready to travel abroad. He invited me for dinner. And I mean, when I say he was drop dead gorgeous, drop dead gorgeous. Anyway. And, you know, all of a sudden, once I got out, my crystal just popped in my panties. It just came out. And I was like, okay, this is a sign. Yeah. Yeah, this is a sign. And she told this story on Ultimate Girls Trip. But then later on.

I found out he worshipped the devil. Oh my God. Isn't that always the case? I was able to let myself be vulnerable enough with my crystal that I would even give him an opportunity. So you recommend that my listeners put crystals up their vaginas or their asses. Maybe just a rock. Okay, great. No, not a rock. Okay, sorry. No, it needs to have healing properties. Yes. Okay, great advice.

We can make people happy.

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♪♪

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Also want to promote Real Housewives of Atlanta season 16 airing and streaming now. So you can either watch it live on Bravo or you can stream it on Peacock. Or Peacock on Mondays. And then what episode are we on this week? We are on 16th. So they're just getting back from Grenada. They ended the trip this past Sunday. I want to go next year to the festival. Oh my God. Oh my God. Grenada has the most beautiful people in the world. Those men...

Really? Jeff, you would pass away at this. They went to this festival where everyone's just naked and just- In black oil. And they all have very large tongues. I just like, the tongues are just, I don't know what- Get to that crystal. Yeah. But yes. I was thinking the same thing. I just didn't say it. Sorry. It's just, whoo.

but they're beautiful. And you're partying with like government officials. Oh my gosh. It was the best trip ever. I mean, when I looked at the episode, it reminded me so much of old school, classic housewives, like our Africa trip, you know, and if I remember,

You know, the smalls and the talls. It was classic. Well, that's why I really, I can't wait to, I really hope you come back next season because we need that vibe of, you know, because I think they've got good building blocks with like Kelly and Angela. And I mean, Drew is obviously always going through something. Yes. But it'll be so exciting that you guys all know each other because you came in so late to this season. I worked 10 days and we did five episodes in those 10 days. Wow. Yeah.

That's a lot of content in 10 days. Baby, I came to work. But I want to see the franchise back where it used to be when everyone was talking about it. And people are really talking about it now. Yeah, you get the highest ratings in terms of like Bravo programming night of, and then Peacock extends that lead even more. Oh, gosh, yes. And people aren't really watching traditional cable anymore. Everyone's so cheap. Am I the only one with a home phone and cable? No.

Like, I'm like, I have a home phone still. I'm like, I can't get rid of it. They're like, why do you have this? I'm like, what if all the power goes, you know, like, wait, wait, wait. If the power goes out, the hard line's not going to work either. I know, but I just, I just cannot give up a home phone. Maybe I just can't give it up. Line one, Joe in Las Vegas for Phaedra. Hello, Joe. Oh my God. Hello, Phaedra. How are you? Hi, Jeff. Hi, Ryan. Hi, Shane. You are the best ever, but I need your help.

You have got to, you need to be friends with Bose and help her with the wig. I love Bose. Bose and I have known each other for a while, but what is wrong with her wigs? Well, help her please. What is the problem? They're dry. Not that dry. They're not human hair. They don't sit right. We could go on for hours. She's beautiful. She is absolutely stunning, but she has a hairline. And actually the last time we saw each other, maybe,

maybe a month ago, here in L.A., she's going to give me some of her hair. Wow. What? So it's like she's got a hairline. She's got a hairline? She does. Oh, my God. I'm with you, Jo. I think she is a beautiful woman. Absolutely. But her hair is so distracting. You don't think it's a bit big? Well, you know what? And overdone? Everyone has their own personal style. Yeah. You know?

I think if you have an ugly face, fine. You know what I mean? Distract, distract, distract. But she doesn't. She has a pretty face. So you want her to go with something more simple. A simple hairstyle. Like a classic bob. Yes. You know, a bust down. Yes. And let's look at her face. She's got a pretty face, a great body, the whole thing. Yeah, she's gorgeous. Why are you distracting with all of this hair? It's crazy. I made a lot of bad choices regarding my hair this year.

Is that Sonia? It's Gina. I knew I had it. I knew I had it, and it's one of my favorites from Forever. I didn't even know we had that. Yeah, I've had it forever. But I agree with you, Joe. I think they should be more understated. I will definitely reach out. So maybe you think I shouldn't accept the hair? No. No. No, you're doing good. You're doing good. Your hair is gorgeous. No, no, no. I mean, accept it. I mean, don't wear it, but you could pass it on to your kids one day. You could sell that.

What's her son's going to do with a wig? I know. What are you talking about? I collect housewives memorabilia. That's like good stuff. Here is the hair of one of the very best housewives. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe. I will definitely give her your thoughts. So you look...

Amazing. Thank you. You look younger than I saw you a year ago. Thank you. What are you doing? Are you doing NAD like everyone else? You know, I've been on NAD for about three plus years. There you go. My good friend Ray J, y'all know Crazy Ray J. Yep, of course. Ray J told me about me, says Phaedra.

I started doing this NAD therapy and it has changed my life because he's, you know, you know, he's dibbles and dabbles and does whatever he does. And he says, sometimes, you know, I lose my memory. And this is going to give you a memory, but you're going to feel like a million bucks. So I do NAD. Yeah, I've been on it for years. Are you doing the IV? Are you doing the shots? What are you doing? I do the shots. Okay. I don't have that.

That IV is slow drip. It is a slow drip. Slow drip. I was there yesterday. So I'm doing the IV every eight weeks. I just started. It was my second session. So do you feel so good? Okay, well, not during because... Because it's so slow. Well, no, because we try to speed it up because I get impatient. And then all of a sudden I feel dizzy. I feel nauseous. And they have to slow it down, speed it up, slow it down, speed it up. Now, there is...

So you don't know Annie, but there's a girl that if you were to work at the doctor's office, this is who you'd be, basically. And she was very professional in the beginning. But then I started talking shit about the manager because the manager, I think, is on coke.

Allegedly. I think he's on NAD. Or too much NAD. Or too much NAD. But he comes in very, very hyper. And he's one of those guys like he's just over, over excited. And he fist bumps me. And I hate a fist bump. Well, I thought you were going to say he fisted you. No.

I mean, it's not the spa. He fisted me and then did a bump. I was like, I can understand why you're upset, Jeff. But it was funny because she's, you know, she started off very kind of professional. And then I was like, hey, what's up with that manager and the fist bumping? And then you could see, like, she's like, okay, he,

He's cool. I can be. And so then we started talking about Weight Watchers because you were really rough with me yesterday with the Weight Watchers points. You're welcome. Which is fine. Are you on Weight Watchers? I'm just starting it, yeah. So he carries around a clicker.

And he clicks the- You have to track the points. And there's a cattle prod, too, that just shocks Jeff whenever he gets out of line. But it was funny because- Why are you on Weight Watchers? Because he needs to watch his weight. All right. You are tiny. You're going to understand this. You're going to understand this. Every girl, every gay gets it. There's closed weight and there's naked weight. Yeah. So you're trying to get your naked weight, right? Thank you. Okay. I get it. Right? Everybody gets it. Whenever you say that, every girl, every gay gets it. That's great for the Weight Watchers program. I'm like, I'm here to get naked weight. So.

So she says, I said, so she's now feeling comfortable with me. And I'm like, you guys busy today? A lot of clients? She's like, too many. And then I'm like, so I'm liking it because now she's starting to tell the truth. And then you start talking about the Weight Watchers points. Yeah. And then she's like, she's like something like, oh, skinny queen. And I'm like, okay, I love this girl. Wait, am I allowed to say what you said to Shane this morning, the directive you gave him when you came in and ate your egg?

Well, I told him I was going to tell him what he said to me, which yesterday was about, is that the moment we bought my balls? No, you said, be tougher on me. Call me. Oh. Oh, sorry. So what he said to me. Wait, wait, wait. But let's back up. I would love to know what about the balls, though. Scrotox? Well, this is what he said. Not Scrotox. He said, when I got back yesterday from the doctor, and he goes, hey, how'd that NAD go? Are your balls less wrinkled? Yeah.

And I said, Keegan said it to me. Of course he did. Of course it was Keegan. So I said, you know, if we had HR, this would be a problem. But we don't. Well, that's good. We don't. So you can have fun. But you know what? I was thinking, because Andy and I were talking about this at dinner, which is a strange conversation when I was in New York last week. We were talking about how, and you tell me, we don't think penises age.

But balls do. The balls hang low. And asses do. It's like the rings of a tree. Asses age and balls age, but not penises. And so I understand because I'm 55 now. You look good, daddy. Thank you. But I've got 55-year-old balls. And I'm thinking that Scrooge— Show Phaedra on the break.

I'm seeing why people get the scrotox. - Scrotox? - Scrotox makes them drop lower. - I thought it lifts them. - No, no, it makes them drop lower. You get low hanging. - Oh, I don't want that. - No, you don't want low hanging. - No, they smooth them out. No, it's this guy on The Valley, another Bravo show. - Oh, I love The Valley. - Isn't it good? - Oh my God. - Did you watch last night?

I couldn't because I was here. Jax is back. Oh, honey, Jax was on last week acting a fool in that phone with that girl. He did it again this week, and then he was on Watch What Happens Live. Wait, so you and Andy Cohen go out to dinner and you just talk about dicks? No. Yeah, we spent the whole hour and a half talking about dicks. I don't know. You do know, and that's true. Okay.

It was a very brief conversation. Yeah, but I mean, okay, so that's the aging balls are going to hang. Yes. Yeah. So I hope the NAD does something. Yeah. We'll get scroll talks. Yeah. If you want them to be all high. I don't know.

I just finished watching this season of Love Hotel. Oh, I love it. Well, I hope you love it because I would love to see you on it. I want to go on it. Would you consider doing that? TMZ. Not TMG. Oh, God. That's a whole other thing. TMJ. TMJ. Okay. You know what? They asked me yesterday would I do the Golden Bachelor lady. And I said, I don't want to kiss 50, man. I just want to kiss about 15, 20. Love Hotel's perfect for that. Can you put my name in then for the Golden Bachelor? No.

Jeff Lewis is. 30 guys sees his naked weight. So you know how you go to a restaurant and sometimes like you're supposed to wear a jacket. And then if you don't have a jacket, they'll give you a jacket. Do we have clothes at the funeral home that people that we sell? I mean, you can buy a burial gown.

But as far as the employees, we have mandatory outfits. Pinstripe, gray, navy blue, black. The ladies wear Louboutins. Oh, you've got a uniform. But I like the idea of a little boutique, maybe, with appropriate clothing to bury your loved ones in. Because I'm trying to think of all the upsells we're going to do with our funeral home. And you know what? The strangest thing, you will never believe this, but some people don't bring good underwear for their people.

Really? Yeah, and good bras. Commando. Then you have to bury them in underwear and bras. Do people bury their loved ones in jewelry?

Well, we have had a time where they want them to wear the jewelry, but they want us to get it off and give it back to them before they go in the ground. I see. One time someone even requested a Burberry belt back. And we accidentally buried the guy in the Burberry belt. Are you serious? So what happened? Did you have to pay for the Burberry belt? We had to pay him for the Burberry belt. That's bullshit. It was so crazy. I was like, why do you want to take this belt off this guy?

See, when I buried my mom, there was a few, we took obviously, there was no expensive, expensive jewelry, but there were a few things that were sentimental that we buried her in. And I thought, you know, if somebody steals it, they steal it. Who's going to dig a grave? Right.

Well, I thought maybe, I mean, obviously I wasn't at your funeral home. I thought, well, what if somebody just takes the ring right off the finger? Well, okay. So, you know, there's a last viewing. And when we do a funeral, we close it right in front of you after that last viewing. So, you know exactly what that person has on. Because you get people like I was at a wonderful funeral in Oakland. And, you know, people wanted to put, you know, weed in there so he would have something to smoke when he got to heaven. Oh, okay.

I'm like, Lord, if there's a fire, everyone's going to be high and open. Is weed legal in heaven? Is that the law? I don't know what Jesus allows, but it's obviously legal in California. And they wanted him to have plenty on him when he made it to heaven. That is so interesting. I actually, Shane, you write this down. I want a couple bottles of red wine while I'm waiting. And then maybe some Pop-Tarts. Not Pop-Tarts! Just no red dye in them. What?

We can feed a family with Jeff's funeral arrangements. There's got to be some crazy, crazy request to be buried with. Oh, yeah. Do you put Spanx on the bodies? Well, I put whatever you want me to. But sometimes people will say, I want them to look...

I want them to look a little more snatched. And I say, oh, I got you, girl. You know where I'm going to draw the line at our funeral home? A Bose wig. Stop. I mean, like, fuck no. You better get off my girl. Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis Live every weekday on Sirius XM as well as the Jeff Lewis channel exclusively on the Sirius XM app.

Torrid fits don't miss. From life-changing jeans to cute tops and dresses to bras that are actually comfortable, Torrid has your dream wardrobe covered in sizes 10 to 30. Discover Torrid's unforgettable new brands like Breezy Romantic Festy, Goth and Gorgeous Nightfall, Vintage Retro Chic, and Preppy Pretty Belle Isle. Torrid.

For every day, every way, and everything you are. Shop Torrid.com and use promo code PODCAST40 for 40% off your first online order. Terms and conditions will apply. Void or prohibited.

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