Hallmark Presents My Xmas Special With Luke Macfarlane
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I don't know. When I watch one that I like, it's got log cabin. It has to have the small town. I don't want anything magical. I don't want a prince of a fake country. I fucking hate that. Immediately, am I mad at this? I'll watch it still. Posh Show. Posh Show. Posh Show.

Welcome to Tosh Show's 16th annual Christmas special. We are extremely excited today because we have former celebrity Tim Allen with us. Santa's here. Santa, Santa.

I don't want anything for Christmas this year. You've been very kind to me. You've been very generous. I have everything I could ever want. The only thing I'm curious about is who's on your list. Oh, Daniel, that information is top secret. Hmm. Or Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis on your naughty list for writing a letter to have a judge go easy on their Scientologist rapist friend. Oh, Daniel.

What about Elon Musk? Do people with Asperger's get a pass? Is Jim Harbaugh on your naughty list for sign stealing? And would he be able to get off the list if he were to beat Nick Saban in the Who's a Bigger Liar and Asshole Bowl sponsored by Couldn't Cut It in the NFL?

Be honest, in week three, you thought the Colorado hype was real, didn't you? Were you all in on prime time? Or were we idiots for getting excited? And can elves make toes in Santa's workshop? Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. Naughty or nice? The name Chiefs, where you at on that? Also, you look like Andy Reid. Wait a minute.

Is expelled Congressman George Santos on your naughty list for using campaign funds on OnlyFans or for wearing too many layers? Always got a button up, a sweater, and a blazer.

What about Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? He must be a really good guy since he's always accepting so many gifts. What's Hunter Biden's deal? Naked selfies, a handgun, cocaine in the White House? Does being fun put you on the naughty list? I know neither actually celebrate Christmas, but Israel, Palestine, who's naughty, who's nice? Be careful how you respond. Remember, you're being recorded.

What's on Ukraine's wish list? More aid from the US? When you're flying your sleigh over North America, if you happen to see a Chinese spy balloon, what's the move? You seem like a Second Amendment guy. Could you take care of this for us? Can I trade every gift you would ever give my two kids for the Miami Dolphins winning the Super Bowl this year?

Do you believe in ghosts? No. I knew it. All right, Santa, you'll appreciate that my guest today has spent years spreading Christmas cheer to every household in America with basic cable. And since starring in a Hallmark Christmas movie automatically makes you not a celebrity, I am not breaking the show's rich, longstanding tradition.

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Now, I said I wouldn't have celebrities on my show, but I'm making an exception for today's guest because he starred in 16 of my favorite Hallmark Christmas flicks. Please welcome Luke McFarlane. Luke. Thank you so much for having me. When I was asked to do this, I was like, is he really a fan of Hallmark Christmas movies? And I got...

You know, word that you are in fact a watcher of Hallmark Christmas movies. If I was honest about how much I love them, everyone would assume I'm doing a bit. It would freak them out, yeah. Well, I don't even care if it would freak them out, but they wouldn't take me seriously. And I almost need you to know that I'm being honest or it's kind of meaningless. But yes, I've loved Hallmark movies. What?

way, way before it was ever fun to watch them and laugh at some of the silliness of it. And for some reason, my mom, she also loves them, and that's more on brand for what they were doing. But my mom and I, we watched them separately, and then we both found out that we loved them.

And now it's a thing. And my wife, she watches them now with me, and she's a hip, cool comedy writer. So at first she was just kind of mocking it, but then you get past that part of it. Yeah, it's not an unfamiliar story, the one that you've described. And I've been doing it for so long that I kind of saw that change too when they kind of came into the zeitgeist with the drinking games and the whole thing. But when I first started doing them,

It wasn't really on people's radars. So it's been interesting to watch evolution and also Hallmark kind of change as well. Like they are also trying to redefine themselves in the space and they don't want to be a joke and they also want to be popular and they want to be accepting and they want to be inclusive. So they're kind of going on it. So it's strange in this town to do anything as long as I've done Hallmark films, you know, and just watch everything change around it. Just the people that watch them and –

the way they make them and how to make a movie in 14 days. That makes sense. That's how long it takes them to make them. 14 days. Generally speaking, I've done some that are a little longer. You know, a snow budget. This is a big part of the Hallmark movies is how much money they're going to spend on snow. So if there's a bigger budget, you might get 16. Here's what I like about them. Here's what...

When I watch one that I like, it's got log cabin. It has to have the small town. I don't want anything magical. I don't want a prince of a fake country. I fucking hate that. Immediately, am I mad at this? I'll watch it still. I also think it's great that the...

Woman always will choose the small town over her great career. At the end, I always like her like, oh, I can have it both ways. And it's like, no, you can't. Just once I want her to fucking stay. But anyway. It's either me or Christmas melody. I don't like faith-based. That gets me angry. They do those sometimes. And whatever, that one group that they have, When Calls the Heart. Hardies.

Fuck, I get mad at those. Yeah, it's a... First of all, who comes up with the title, When Calls the Heart? Those are just words put together. It's a complicated title. They're famous for complicated titles. I did Sense and Sensibility in Snowmen. Well, that's at least cute. No, it doesn't make any sense. No, I don't care. It has the word snowman and I'm happy. There wasn't, like, snowman wasn't even really a part of it. Are you guys competitive with each other?

Kind of. Like, the more I do it, like, it's like, what time slot did you get? What do you mean time? They only premiere on Sunday, just two of them back to back. Yeah, but it's leading up to Christmas. It's the sort of distance you are out. Like, the one that comes right after Halloween kind of feels like. Guess when I start watching? Right after Halloween. Right after Halloween. That's when I accept it.

It's a little early for a lot of viewers. I think they're still kind of shaking off Halloween. Week of Christmas, I'm not watching them anymore. Right. So the prime spot is Thanksgiving. Uh-huh. Yeah. Because the family's together. Sure. They got to find something everybody can watch. They shoot them all in the summer. They shoot most of them in Canada. A lot of them. I have done one in Utah, which was lovely, actually. It was lovely to shoot in Utah. Sure, Utah's pretty. Very, very pretty. But you have to wrap your head around the people. Well...

No, they were actually wonderful. No. No, we had great... I love Mormons, but I'm fascinated by them. It is an interesting culture. Because it's insanity. How many Netflix short documentaries do you have to watch where you're like, no. Or scripted series. Do you know what was really impressive was the background is always a big part of these movies. And people were like, oh, I'm in a movie. I'm in a movie. They were like silent and so obedient. Yeah.

That's obedience. That sounds about right. I did use the word obedience. What's the thing? What's the term from that one movie? Keep sweet? Keep sweet. That's what they always said. But anyway. So you're from – You're not Mormon. Are you Mormon? No. Oh, no.

No. But I mean, I did grow up Christian, like really strong. I got a dad that was a pastor. Really? I was born in Germany because... Army. No, missionaries. Oh. Because they hadn't heard of the Bible over there. In Germany? Right. Like, I don't understand why my parents who didn't speak German felt the need to go over to Germany. Saving souls. Right. Yeah. Have you ever experienced a Christmas miracle? Nope. Nope.

This is the first question I ask all my guests. Okay. Do you believe in ghosts? No. All right.

Your parents, were they supportive of your career, wanting to do this? Yeah. I mean, we don't come from an acting family at all. My dad was a doctor, and my mom was a nurse, and music was a big part of our lives. I played the cello, still do play the cello, so like lessons and understood performance and the discipline around the arts. My older sister was a wonderful violinist, and she wanted to study violin at Juilliard. Mm-hmm.

And I remember when she, you know, got the perspectives book, they mailed it to our house and I saw that they also had acting. And I was like, I think I could do that. You're very, you were an over, you're an overachieving family. Oh,

Uh, yeah. Uh-huh. Like, you're good looking and you're overachieving. You play instruments, multiple instruments probably, I'm assuming. Yeah, badly. But cello was the primary instrument. But my family also just kind of let us do whatever we want, too. They really, like, that wasn't the focus. It was like, be good, be kind, take care of people. That's all I want for my kids. They were good. I just wanted to be nice. I'm like, I don't care if you ever achieve anything in life. I don't want to pay for my daughter.

You don't want to what? Pay for like when she's old, though. Why? I want her to have a life where she can really all the way through. Till death. Till my death. You're just going to pay for everything. Everything. As long as you're just in my life. Okay. Maybe. I don't want to do that. Okay.

Yeah, and to answer your question, yes, I'm rich. How much does Juilliard cost? I was lucky enough to get a scholarship. Most people there get a scholarship. Do you want your daughter to go to Juilliard too? I want her to do whatever she wants to do. You want her to play the cello? I would be into that. I'm going to try. Do you play the piano too? A little bit. Of course you do. Yeah, a little bit.

You know. I've got to learn to play the piano. Do you have a piano in the house? No. Do you have a kid's room? Mm-hmm. Just put it in the kid's room. And I guarantee you will be better. Well, he's got a little tiny piano in there. But like a shitty plastic one, right? No, no. This is like a baby grand tiny one. It looks like a little miniature John Legend, but we can't have him do that. Are you serious? Uh-huh. Okay. So like, whatever. Fuck off. You're rich. But it's like, that sounds very fancy. Okay. That was a gift. I didn't buy it. I guarantee somebody. From John Legend. Ha!

No, it was not from John Legend. By the way, speaking of Juilliard, what was your audition? I did two monologues, one from King Lear. I did Edmund the Bastard's Son from King Lear, and I did a Canadian playwright. Is it anything like Save the Last Dance? Uh...

I haven't seen that movie. Wait, what? Are you serious? It's about getting into Julia and it doesn't hold up. Oh, really? It's so racist. Oh, really? The way that she ends up, she's like, I think she's a ballerina. I forget. Now I'm going to try to go from memory. But then she meets a black guy and he teaches her how to do hip hop dance. Hip hop. And it's Julia Stiles who is just as like the epitome of not hip hop.

And she's doing this audition for jewelry with a chair, and she's like sitting in it, and they're like, oh, wow, and they're blown away. This is the greatest dancing we've ever seen. Anyway, anyway. The sort of precursor to Save the Last Dance is fame when she's the welder.

And she auditions for Juilliard. And they have all the professors there at the Juilliard thing. And I love it because one of them is wearing his glasses. And then when she does something a little too sexy. Because they've got it wrong. Because Juilliard actually doesn't have a ballet program, but she's kind of auditioning for a ballet. And then when she does something not ballet, the one guy takes his glasses off and he goes like, mmm. He looks at her. It's very like he's sexualizing her. It's like he's going to be a bad teacher for sure. Okay.

Did you ever have a crush on Luke Perry? Never did. The scar on the eyebrow? No, he wasn't for me. Okay. I was, you know, Mark Wahlberg. Ugh.

A racist? What's wrong with you? He had a hate crime under his belt, so I don't ever let people forget that. It's totally true. I always think about that. I'm like, yeah, you know who didn't do that when they were in college? Me. A lot of people. A lot of people. When did you come out to your parents? My second year of college. Came back for Christmas and told them.

Oh. Bringing us to Christmas. Were they totally, were they receptive to it? Yes. And, you know, again, you know, to my father's credit, and I didn't learn this for some time, but, you know, it's hard, you know, when your kid is...

Gay, I think. He felt like, you know, did I know you and did you feel safe and all those things. But he never made it my problem. By the way, were your parents supportive of your cello playing? Because that to me is way worse as a father. To be a cellist. Because I can't imagine having to lug that thing around to all the practices and concerts. Yeah. My dad played the cello too. Oh.

Yeah. So you had two cellos in the truck? We had two in the truck. In the pickup truck. What could you fit that thing in? A cello isn't as big as the double bass, so if you're not grateful, we didn't have a double bass family. A family that plays bass. Is there a family of double bass players? And they're probably on Instagram. You grew up outside of Toronto? I grew up actually in a town called London, Ontario. Okay, I know London. No. Really? I've performed there. Yeah, it's sort of like the Michigan state of Canada. Okay. I hate Toronto.

I do, too. I've never liked it. One of my least favorite Canadian cities. I don't know why people get into it. I'm like, this is shittier than Detroit. But I will say, I filmed there in the winter for like five years. And it just like, it's like sad and like dirty. Like sidewalks with like cigarette butts. And like, that's what I think of when I think of Toronto. I just am like, this city doesn't have any soul. That's my thing. I think it does in the summer. I don't know when you were there. Whatever.

let them cheer for their stupid basketball team. In the industry, is there a stigma about doing Hallmark Christmas movies? Ugh.

I don't know. I will say that, you know, when I get these offers, I ask my representation. I'm like, guys, is this? And I get, like, assurances from them. They're like, no, no, not at all. It doesn't hurt. Like, they're not on people's radars. And I'm like, they kind of are. Now, there's a small group of you that make these, a lot of them. The theater company. Do you know these people? Do you have relationships with them? Are you friends with them? I don't think I've worked with the same people.

female lead more than once. What about that Candace Cameron Brewer? Does she stick her nose up at everybody? I will admit that I was nervous to work with her, but she could not have been more lovely. She probably doesn't approve of your lifestyle. We never talked about it. We never talked about it. I would talk about it immediately. She has a lot of gay friends. Does she? Yes. I hope so. Mm-hmm.

Do you actually like Christmas? And before you answer, know that this is my absolute favorite holiday. So please answer this correctly, Luke. Oof. Yes, I do. I do like Christmas. I like Christmas very much. And I remember getting very sad after Christmas as a kid. Like when all the decorations came down and the house felt empty. I don't know what that was about. Here's what bothers me about Taylor Swift.

I love everything about her. Yeah. Her business savvy, all of that. I think she's a genius. She's a billionaire. The fact that, but yeah. Oh, man. You know how she used to write songs about her exes? If this one, this Travis Kelsey fucks her over, she can buy the Kansas City Chiefs and like fucking move them to London, Canada if she wanted to. Like she could do anything. Yeah, that's true. That's beside the point. Did you just think of that right now? Yeah, I did. That's great. But...

But what I wanted to say was her song, that one song where she goes, we can leave the Christmas lights up till January. I'm like, that's only fucking five days after Christmas. Yeah. That's not a big deal. Yeah. That line blows my mind. Five days after Christmas is not worthy of a lyric. Yeah. We can leave. Can you believe it? They left their Christmas lights up till January 2nd. You've done some other besides Christmas.

Hallmark Christmas movies. Yes. Hallmark does other holidays. Yes. Those are garbage. But it's part of when you're in the stable. You gotta pay your dues. You gotta do fall. You gotta do Valentine's. You gotta do Valentine's. You gotta do... You know, the seasonality of Hallmark is really... I think I've hit all the other seasons. The ones I didn't like, I'll be honest with you, Shoe Edit Christmas. Time travel. Fucking stupid. She puts on new shoes and she time travels, guys. If you don't...

She time-traps.

Because it's Shoe Addict's Christmas. That one made me angry. But Jean Smart. I mean, Jean Smart was in that. I don't care. She was so good in that. She really was. Addict is a tough word to use in a Hallmark film. Shoe Addict. Chateau Christmas. Loved it. Setting, Tahoe. I live in Tahoe, so I always get excited. Also, randomly, George Lopez was in that one. Was he?

I think he was like a bellman or a door... He definitely wasn't. George Lopez is in one of these as a hotel person. He's just like, why is he in this Hallmark movie? And it's such a small role. That is the fascinating thing. They get some like, I've worked with some really...

One of those twins from the Home Builders. Oh, yes. Was in one of them. Didn't want that. Yeah. He was acting? Yeah. He was like a big city rep or something in one of them. He wasn't playing like a home builder? But let's get back to Chateau. You play the cello in that one. I do. Oh, that's exciting. It was exciting. I tell you, when I first got the script, I played the violin. And I was like, change it to the cello, please. And they did. Okay. So you do have pull. Oh, huge. All right. Well, good. Then here's what I want done.

Here's my two – I have two notes that if you could do this – Yeah. Because I don't care if you fucking studied at Juilliard or – anyway, no actor can pull this off. Playing a fake instrument, a straight instrument. No, that's not what I'm going to say. Okay. Holding a cup of hot cocoa or coffee that's empty and me believing that there's something in it. Your arms don't move the right way. It's too fucking light.

Put water in it every time. It's infuriating. Daniel, we are learning. We are learning, and this feedback has been given a lot. Just put something in every day. I can tell that there's nothing in it. Second note. Yes. Put some fucking bricks in the luggage. Yeah.

I can tell when they're hitting the curb that it's empty. It's like, just put bricks in there and be done with it, you idiots. Can I tell you? My first Christmas movie, I was a Christmas tree farmer, and I had a pickup truck. Yeah. Was it red? Yeah.

I don't remember. It's red. I don't remember. And this is when we filmed in Utah. And it was like, again, it was my first Christmas movie. I wasn't like, it was like, you shoot a lot. And I remember I was coming from the hardware store, of course. And I just kind of loaded loosely my shit into the back of the pickup truck. And I'm a pickup truck owner. You can't just put a can of paint in the back of the pickup truck. It's just going to bounce. Right.

That's insane. And I was really embarrassed when I saw that. And then, of course, someone sent me a tweet where they're like, of course, Luke just loads things loosely into the back of his big upturn. I was really embarrassed. And now I do. Because people do watch them with a kind of, you know. Yes.

eye for that sort of detail. They're just great movies. They're just fun to watch. I just love them. And did you watch it before your wife? Oh, way before my wife. My wife was barely born when I started watching these. She's young. Oh my god, she's a child. She's 13 years younger than me, I guess. I'm 48. She's 30...

No, I don't know how old she is. Is she 36? Huh, interesting. Hig's younger than me, too. That's why he can do things like that. Are you better looking? He's a very good-looking guy. But are you better looking? No, I'm not saying. He does say to our daughter, this is your handsome dad. And I'm like, no, no. Handsome father. That's not true. Your partner is an American alpine skier named Hig, which seems perfect for my Hallmark Christmas movie idea.

Bring me some Higgy pudding? No. Do you ski? Do you snow ski? I can now because of my partnership with Hig. He's obviously an incredible skier. Why do you say partnership? I don't know, because we're not married. You don't say boyfriend? Boyfriend. I guess I could say boyfriend. It feels different now because we're raising a kid together. You know, we'll get married one day. I don't feel... I don't care if you get married. If you want to get to heaven, you'll do the right thing. You better do that right before you die. Ha ha ha!

I'm sure we will at some point. But he's an amazing skier, and it's been crazy. For a guy that I did not – we had a garbage hill in my town, like an old garbage hill that became the ski hill. So I skied there. And with Higg, I've skied in Zermatt.

And Cheminis. Have you ever seen him take a bad spill? I mean, I've seen like... Like on film or something like that? Yeah, he was like... It was famous on... You know like how SportsCenter plays like the biggest like moments and there's this one of him at a World Cup coming down, getting so pissed off and breaking his poles over his leg. Oh, that's kind of cool though. Yeah, that was kind of cool. It's so crazy because anybody can stand on the top of a hill and just lean forward and go down. Like it's absurd how every... When they say like, oh...

the amount of people that die every year. I'm like, it should be a thousand times higher. It's also the ice that, you know, you and I are used to skiing on in like, you know, Tahoe. This is, it's ice. They like hose it down. It's ice. Like you can hit it with a hammer. It's crazy. When did you come, you came out in 2008 to the, how,

Hollywood. I had my first job in television. It was like right after I graduated from college and I was working on this military show. Did you straighten it up? Yeah. Did you straighten up for no reason? I do remember very clearly like when I, when I booked this show is like talking to one of the representatives that I worked with at the time and

And they were like, this is a really good part for you. And the implication was because I was playing a straight military dude. So, you know, it didn't feel so good. Do you feel that coming out affected your career? I don't know.

I truly, I don't know. You think had you not, you would have been Wolverine? No. Or the greatest showman? I'm not saying anything about anything. Oh, I know. I'm just saying. I have no idea. I have no idea. But I can't imagine who I would be if I hadn't. Here's what I think, though, back to the point when we were talking about if coming out kept you from something. Because I'm sure...

Whether it's happened to you, it's certainly happened to others. I would be fine with – as kind of a retribution of sort that only gay people were allowed to be in anything. Like I would be fine with that. I would be like, oh, let's do this for 30 years and then – And then we'll invite straight people back. Or maybe we're allowed to keep five straights now. We get to vote on it. Like I'll take Christian Bale. Okay.

I don't know. My list ends there. Christopher Walken? No, fuck. He's too old. Who cares? Okay. But anyway, that's my list. Christian Bale. Christian Bale is the only straight actor I would be like, all right, keep him. Also, I get annoyed when somebody comes out and you hear people –

They're like, oh, we don't even care. Nobody cares anymore. It's like, hold on. Everybody cares. They do. It's so – it's interesting. We care. We want to talk about it. I mean the big thing now is like if Luke's allowed to play straight, should he not be allowed to play straight? Right. If only gay people are allowed to play gay characters. But I have the easiest answer for this. Yeah. It's just like no. No.

He can do it. He can play straight. Anybody that's ever been marginalized gets to do everything. Yeah. That there's my stance. Well, I, I appreciate that. I, I don't know if I was ever limited. I don't know if things were ever held for me, but like, you know, I mean,

Network testing for a television show is like a big deal. You got all these people there. They're curious. They're afraid. They're, you know, they're just afraid. They're afraid their thing that they're spending all this money on is not going to make money. And there's like famous stories of things that tested really badly and did really well. You know, Bros, the movie I just did, it tested really, really, really well. Like I remember going to one of the screenings with –

With Judd, Apatow and him saying like, this is tested better than any movie I've ever done. I saw the movie. I paid to see the movie. Thank you very much. I felt like sometimes it was trying to be raunchy, funny. Sometimes it was trying to be heartfelt. And there was a balance there that wasn't perfect. And that's coming from an idiot. Yeah, no, I mean, Billy is a really big fan of like the sort of, you know, the movies from the 90s, the You Got Mail, the Notting Hill. And I think, you know, his sensibility is much more of the sort of like big open hearted,

And Judd and Nick are like jokes. Jokes are really important. So I thought it was a really successful hybrid of those two things. And I think he did what he wanted to do. Are you in the spitting on the hand scene? Yes. I don't know. There was a whole scene in Bros where they had made –

Great expense. I remember the director calling me. He was like, Luke, I just want to know if we spend $30,000 making a fake butt of Billy, and would you be comfortable eating that fake butt? Way more comfortable than eating real ass on camera. And I said, sure. And they made this fake butt, and I did that, and it never ended up in the movie. But do you have the butt? I think Billy does, actually. $30,000 to make that. Yeah.

That's another thing that I always think is bizarre. You know, I had a show where we would do little comedy bits. Yes. And giving notes to real actors is impossible. So, like, I would only just use my writers as actors. Oh, okay. And I would never – So you just tell them what you want them to do. I'd be like, hey, be gayer. Right. Right. And, like, let's end that dumb conversation. You can't do that. No, I understand. Yeah.

That'll get you in trouble. Right, I get it. That's why, that's not my thing. But it sure would cut through some conversations that are so stupid. It's also hard to receive a note. Like, no actor is like, hmm, because they just want to think what they just do is, like, great. You know, so it's about, like, massaging the, like, you're like, that was really good. Why don't we try this?

I'm always like, do you want it louder or faster? Yeah. Those are my two. The more confident I get as an actor, that's generally what I want, you know. Yeah. Just direct. Do you need it faster? I'll give you one more faster. Totally. And like angry and like go up at the end. I can do that. Okay. Yeah. You were in a Netflix Christmas movie. I was. Yes. Was the paycheck bigger? Smaller. Did homework say, hey?

Knock it off. So I've had like sort of overall deals with them. And in the – I'm going to commit to five Christmas movies or five movies. But I can't work for any other network and they name all the other networks and they can't be holiday-related movies. So I was able to do that because I was outside of my deal with them. Do homework movies pay? No.

They pay you well. And your rate goes up, I assume, every time. That's a nice thing. It is a nice thing. I don't know if I knew that they paid. They do. Are Hallmark Christmas scripts written by the same people that write the cards? No, not at all. They're actually two separate companies. Crown Media is what does it. And I'm not quite sure what the licensing deal is with the Halls.

the car. What about residuals? You doing okay on residuals with Hallmark movies? They have to air a certain amount of time before you start getting, because as you know, they air them a lot. So if you end up doing one of the ones that kind of hits and it's popular, it gets aired more and more so you eventually get residuals. How about that shoe one? Is that one airing a lot? I don't know if I've gotten residuals for Shoe Addicts Christmas. I, one time I had my wife, I go, I want you to write a Hallmark Christmas movie. Okay. And she's like, all right, done. She went in, took the meeting and they're like, oh, we're going to, oh, really? Who'd you pitch to? Uh,

An older Jewish woman? It was really nice. Here's the... They gave us the do's and the don'ts. Yeah, I'm so curious about this. Okay. We always like... We always...

Always has written caps. We like a strong female lead early to mid-30s, and she needs to have a romance. This is always our A story. Our audience is women, 25 to 54, and we don't like to stray from what we do. It's kind of if it ain't broke, don't fix it mentality. We are family-friendly, PGG in nature. A rule of thumb when watching our movies is you want to be able to watch them with your 80-year-old grandmother and your 8-year-old niece. Hmm.

H.C. Hallmark Channel. By the way, I don't give a fuck about movies and mysteries. Don't even tell me about your resume there. You really do. Those are so stupid. I don't want any extra drama. It's just a warm feeling when it's on in the background. It's hard when there's a mystery and there's a body with no blood. There's never blood on the body. Typically light romantic comedies with a heartwarming ending. All right, let's get to the do's.

Okay. Want establishers at the top of the movie to set up the city or town. We want lots of coverage when shooting and any inserts when necessary. Please stay away from killing off family members. There tends to be a lot of dead father, mother, wife, husbands in our movies, and we're trying to get away from that. Yes. How about this? No bowling. Oh, I didn't. Fucking note. Wow. There's a note. No bowling. No bowling.

Our content is not sexual in nature at all. A kiss is enough to show the romance in our movies, and we usually save this moment for the end when our leads get her fairytale ending. By the way, you guys have broken that. Now they're doing kisses in Act 5 or 6. All the way through. Oh, my goodness. Makeout sessions. Does your partner, does he prefer...

That you kiss women over men in an acting role. I don't think he's really bothered by either way. I mean, he's seen me...

both kiss men and women in various projects. You, do you have a preference? I don't know. It's acting. It's like, it's not that weird. You know, I, I don't find it that uncomfortable. The most uncomfortable I ever got was right before the kissing scene. When, um, my female lead asked me, she's like, do you get the feeling in your tummy when you kiss a woman? What? And I was like, yeah,

What the fuck does that mean? I think she was feeling anxious because I think she gets the feeling, and she wanted to know that I got the feeling. Just tell her to shut up. It was a little irky. It was a little uncomfortable. So I always give anybody that comes on my show gifts, but I don't buy them anything. I just take stuff from my house and give them to them because I can't stand things in my house. I don't like it, so I get rid of stuff always. I am the exact opposite.

In the exact same way. So anyway, so here, I'm going to give you your gift. I hope it's like a baby associated. It's all baby associated. It's baby associated and Christmas associated. Because you just, you have a little girl now. Yes. I have just, I have a nine-month-old girl now. Oh, wow. I have a four-year-old boy, but a nine-month-old girl. So I'm just, and you're Canadian, so I had a, so anything that was Canadian related. Oh.

It's a reindeer. They got little Uggs for Christmas. Oh, come on. It's all hand-me-downs. This is quality. I know. No, that's really good. You know, we're going to New York next week, too. And if you ever want her to look like Handmaid's Tale or if they did a Christmas movie, I don't know. Somebody gave us this. This is fucking horrible. Oh, my God.

This is adorable. It's not. That's not adorable. Put on your little jacket. You know, they're Canadian. Oh, this is good. Yeah. This is great.

Oh, come on. This is too generous. No, what are you talking about? Wow. There's more in here. Oh, wow. Just put that over there. That's so good. You know, I was going to ask you. Just throw it all in there. You're a citizen now of America. Of America. I became a citizen in, I actually don't know the date. Maybe I want to say 2018. Was that test hard?

Not really. But it'd be actually fun to do it with, like, well, can I ask you a couple questions? No. Really? No, no. I'm big on not letting people know how dumb I am. I don't. I think you would know. Who was the president during the First World War? The First World War? Yeah. No.

Thomas Jefferson? Who was the president of the First World War? Woodrow Wilson. Woodrow. I would have never in a million years got that. You have to know that? They give you all the questions, so you basically just have to memorize them. Were you ever a model? No. Never. Never? No. No.

Was that one of your questions? No. Okay. No, no, never. Never. I actually find it really hard to take pictures. It's a totally different. It's the worst. It's very different. I despise it still. And I won't hold a prop. They always try to get you for press photos to hold something. And I'm like, I'm not fucking putting anything in my hands. Because one time I did a promo photo like this.

It's used on every review of anything that like says like I have a new special or something and it's like Yeah, we do a lot of promo for you know Hallmark makes like the classic movies and they're usually holding an associated prop Mm-hmm. So like for shoe addicts Christmas. I think Candace was holding a shoe. Mm-hmm I bet she can't has had her her cross front and center. I think she did wear across in that movie Oh, I'm sure

What's your favorite Christmas movie? It doesn't have to be Hallmark. You know, everyone was saying for a long time, Die Hard, man. What? Die Hard's Christmas movie. Who the fuck says that? People are saying that. You're hanging out with douchebags. Yeah. But it's not. My favorite Christmas movie is Miracle Home, 34th Street. Oh.

I don't like that either. No, I don't know. What are your favorite Christmas movies? I'm not an elf person, but I love, I think Elf is genuinely good. And I like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It's great. He throws some crazy faces in that movie. He is like the king of like, like,

He does weird faces in that movie. Yeah. All right. All right. Thank you, Luke, for being on the show. I appreciate it very much. Pleasure. All the best. Thank you for being a fan and thank you for the gifts. Merry Christmas. Thank you. All right.

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Hey, Carl. Carl. Hey.

This is exactly why we can't interview actors. Because I have to pretend like I liked their project. And I'm going to be honest with you. I love Luke. I've made that very clear. But Catch Me If You Claws was a disaster.

This is not my kind of a Hallmark Christmas movie. I told him that. I told him what I don't like and he led me blindly into this. First of all, it had magic. Spoiler alert, he's Santa Claus's son and he gets caught in a house where this woman who's trying to become a reporter, but her mom's a famous reporter, but she can't do it or can't hack it and she's just not getting the opportunity. So they say, why don't you try to dress sluttier and show your boobs and then maybe you'll get on camera. So I think that's kind of part of the plot.

But then she's like, oh my goodness, I caught this burglar in my house, but it's Santa Claus' son and he knows everything about everybody. They end up going to some cool gay bar while the cops are chasing them. And there's kidnapping because there is a real Santa burglar on the loose. It's just nonsense. It's not a cute town. The town's garbage, if you ask me. I want a quaint town. I want a cute story. The end. This story was complicated. I had no idea what was going on and my mom hated it.

But that being said, I loved Luke. I loved Luke. Great job, Luke. And thank you for being on the show. All right. What else is going on? Oh, it's time for the coveted comment of the year. Eddie, who we got? All right. PrimeLogic5562 says, generally love the border, but please get rid of the show. Loves the border, says get rid of the show.

I mean, come on. What do I have to plug? The Goat, it's a reality show that I'm hosting, comes out next year. Boys Wear Pink, the charitable clothing line that I started for my son. Make sure you place your order before the holiday and I'll probably get that to you early first quarter. Tickets on sale for my show in Los Angeles for the Netflix is a Joke. It will be May 4th at the Dolby Theater. That's where they shoot the Oscars.

or the violence takes place on stage. I might do a reenactment. Will Smith, I'll comp you two tickets at the door for you and your unfaithful wife. Ooh, before we go, I have one final gift, a bedtime story from my three-year-old son. So, on behalf of Carl and I, happy holidays, which means Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. That's it.

You're great too, Muslims. All right, we'll be back with new episodes January 9th, taking two weeks off. Happy New Year. Okay, it's Christmas. Go ahead, tell me a story. Once upon a time, there were two little trains. All they wanted to do is run a train race, but they couldn't. So...

They built a train track. The little boys built a train track. And then the trains, the two little trains, drove on it. One of them died.

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