My Favorite Florida Gator - Chandler Parsons
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For 25 years, Brightview Senior Living has been dedicated to creating an award-winning company culture so residents and families receive best-in-class services. Across our 50 communities, Brightview associates help deliver peace of mind, safety, security, transportation, daily programs, delicious food, and high-quality care if needed.

Discover how our vibrant senior living communities can help you live your best life. Visit brightviewseniorliving.com to learn more. Equal housing opportunity. What about playing when you were back in Houston, playing with old ball hog? Was that fun? James Harden. I love playing with James. Uh-huh. He was great. I got nothing about it. Yeah. I just wanted to call him a ball hog. Yeah.

Hello, everyone. It's me, Daniel Tosh. Where are my dogs at? Guys, you wouldn't know it just by looking at me, but I'm less than 24 hours away from having my first colonoscopy.

And I'm going to give you all the information once I go through the procedure. But let me tell you what I've learned so far. A colonoscopy is one of the few cancer screening things that's preventative. Nowadays, you can just poop in an envelope and mail it to them. But that doesn't do what this does. If you actually go in and get the full colonoscopy, they...

will see polyps and they will remove them on the spot, which can turn into bad stuff down the road. I'm 48 years old and my doctor said, I think it's time for you to do this. It used to be 40, but they're like, if you don't have any history, colon cancer in your family, you probably can wait a little bit longer.

And then I asked my mom, I was like, she's like, well, you know, your grandma died of colon cancer. And I'm like, mom, you should have told me that. And she's like, well, she was 99. And she's like, she had to die from something. Yeah.

Yeah, makes sense. So yeah, colon cancer is what got her. So I'm going tomorrow and, you know, fingers crossed, things are good. Now today, as you know, or may not know, I'm fasting. I can only drink clear liquids. So yeah, and then I have to take some laxatives and some other stuff that I'm going to mix with the drinks and it's going to be awful. And I'm just going to flush out my colon until 2 a.m. when I need to be

pooping pure clean water that you can drink. That's what I'm told. By 2 a.m., you should be able to drink from my sphincter. Anyway, yesterday was the last day that I was able to eat. So where do you think I went for my final meal? I think like a good Italian meal. A good Italian meal. That would have been my second choice. I went to a Dodger game. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Just fueled up on everything. Nothing cleans out my colon like seven-plus innings at Chavez Ravine. But today, today it's Chandler Parsons. Chandler Parsons.

So I do research for our guests before we come on. And I'm, I was researching him. And if you research Chandler Parsons, uh, you know, uh, former NBA player, uh, got into a bad car accident. You'll find out all about it. But anyway, the questions on there, like the first thing comes like, where did he play college? Where did he play in the NBA? Then the third thing, why did Chandler lose his job? And I'm like, what is this about? Oh, he quit on Christmas so that he could be home with Monica. And I'm like, oh,

Oh, Google just switches to Chandler from Friends. And I'm like, these questions don't help me at all. I'm actually, normally when people are on this show, I have one goal. I want people at home

to know why I find them interesting. Because usually they're pretty funny people. They're good at what they do. I just find them fascinating. But today, today I'm going to take probably a different approach because this is someone that I don't want to come across in a positive way. Because my wife...

Finds him very attractive. And I know there's nothing I could do about it. Like if he's like, you know what? I want your wife. I'd be like, oh shit. I guess she's yours now. I don't, because she already likes you and there's nothing I can do to him physically. You know, Chandler, like he's so much bigger than you realize. You think, oh, you were just a 6'6 guy in the NBA, but then you're like, oh, you were 6'8".

And then you touch him and you're like, oh, you're pretty solid. It's not good. Hopefully he's not interested. He's happily married with children. So he probably has no interest in my wife. But what if he's like, you know what? I'm just going to do it because I can. And he takes my wife from me.

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Today in the studio, we have a tall, handsome, rich, athletic, absolute stud of a man with a 12-inch slong who has banged hundreds of women. We also have my guest, former NBA player and TV commentator Chandler Parsons. I'll take that. That was better than I expected. Well done. Let me tell you something about that intro. Okay.

Last night, I'm writing down what I'm going to say, and I call my wife over, and I say, hey, which is funnier, implying that I've banged hundreds of women or that I have a smoking hot wife? And she goes, banging hundreds of women. Yeah, wow. And then she walked away. You married the right one. Chandler, do you believe in ghosts? No. Okay. I don't. Do you? Me? Yeah. Oh, yes. Okay.

Big into ghosts. Love shows about ghosts. Really? No, I don't know if I can do any of that stuff. You're from Florida? Born and raised in Orlando, Florida. Are you Orlando? But not Orlando. I'm from... I say Orlando. I was born in Winter Park. Rich. That also sounds fancier. It is. I grew up in Castleberry, which is a real white trash. I'm from Titusville, so... Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, see, I grew up in Castleberry. I went to Lake Howe High School. It's like...

The not nice part of Winter Park. The Seminole County, not Orange County. Your parents still together? Yeah. They're still in Florida? They're still in Florida. Where? They moved to Winter Springs. I got them up out of the hood when I got my big deal. Uh-huh. You paid for it? Yeah. I got my parents out of Titusville, sent them down to Merritt Island. Beautiful. Uh-huh. Do you go back a lot? No. We actually did a thing. We have two kids now. Uh-huh. And we would alternate Christmases. And now I have a daughter that's two and a half and a son that's six months. And last year was the first year we were like...

Hey, like, it was like a serious conversation. Like, I don't know how to, like, we're going to do Christmas here in LA from now on. Like when they were like, oh, this year. And I was like, no, like forever. So now like, besides like literally like a wedding or a funeral, I won't go back. Isn't it nice to be from Florida and, and, and hit it big and then never go back. I'm out of there. I have to go back constantly, mainly because I use it as a tax shelter. Yeah.

How about you? I used to do that. So when I played, when I played, I claimed, cause I bought my parents a house and I claimed residency there. A couple of loopholes had the cell phone bill sent there. So I used to always do that. And then I lived in California, like my third year in the NBA. And my last year in my big deal was,

They made me pay taxes in California, and it was devastating. That's a big hit. Yeah, it was devastating. What's your actual height for real? So all NBA players lie. I'm probably 6'8 1⁄2". Okay. But then come combine, come tube socks, ankles taped, I was measured at 6'10", which is kind of bullshit. I'm 6'4". What would I be listed at in the— If you were 6'4", you would definitely be like a 6'7 shooting guard. Oh. Yeah.

I can't shoot, though. If you're white in the NBA, you got to be able to shoot. That's all we got. That's all we got. I could jump. Really? I could always jump. Even back in high school. Really? I had two solid jumps. I was like, all right, that's it for the day. It would fit. Today's load management, that's all you got to do. We do that here on this podcast. Some interviews, I'm hysterical. Some interviews, load management. Yeah. Fucking take it off. It's not your day. You went to the University of Florida. Now, you went there-

The year after they had won back-to-back national champions. Yeah. And then you brought the program. Just screeching halt. NIT tournament. Yeah. Oh, congratulations. That was an Elvira. Congratulations. Madison Square Garden, bright lights. I've never watched one minute of an NIT tournament game. Have you, Eddie? Yeah. You do watch them? It's on. Oh, I can't watch it. Every time it's on, I'm like, oh, shit, this isn't the tournament. The nit. Yeah.

It's not dope. Especially going from, especially going from back to back. We also had the number one recruiting class. So like we're in high school and I'm watching Billy Dee and Joe Keem and these guys and they're on top of the world. We go in there with all these high expectations thinking we can just do what they did. And we, we sucked. We weren't good.

Billy literally kicked us out of the practice facility. There was a time where he wouldn't let us wear anything with a Gator logo on it. So I would practice and like, we was like at a high school gym, like Buholtz High School in Gainesville. We would literally practice there because he wouldn't let us practice in the facility. He wouldn't let us wear Gator like warmups and jumpsuits around campus. It seems like that might've affected your psyche. It was, yeah, it was, took a toll, but it was,

Dude, it was a rough time. You were there during Tim Tebow. How much overlap? Three years. Did you ever attend any Tim Tebow prayer circles while you were there? No, didn't do those. What about a hate speech event from Riley Cooper? Definitely was there. Real mixed bag on that football team. How about that? And by the whole Swamp Kings documentary, like it was pretty good, but they left out like 90% of the juice seats.

Like the juicy shit. I can only imagine. How many chicks do you think Tim Tebow banged while claiming to be a virgin at Florida? You know what? Banged?

Zero. And that's apparently the truth. Now, the other stuff. Lost interest. I think he got six blowjobs. Okay. Well, speaking of blowjobs, my wife overlapped with you at Florida. Oh, boy. She was on Riker Hall. Yeah. And there was a girl apparently famous for just doling those BJs and-

Just down the hall from her, and she said, oh, weekly. I mean, I don't want to drop names, but like Joe Kim Novo is there every week, sometimes twice a week, depending on if it was stressful. She would just say it was just nonsense. Now, she won't tell me her name. Hold on. Let me just see if she'll answer. She said, I can't tell you her name. You'll say it on air. And she's like a super Christian now. Are you calling your wife? Yeah, we'll see if she'll answer. Oh, gosh.

You know what you do when they don't answer? You FaceTime call because that ring is different. Maybe it's a service thing. No, it just rings. It rings louder even when it's silent.

She's going to think it's an emergency and we're just trying to figure out who sucked everyone's dick in Florida. I think something's majorly wrong. Like, who was the chick that blew Joe Gaines? 9.33. What time is that? I'll try it later. We'll get back to that. We'll circle back. We will definitely circle back to that. Were you a maniac in college? Complete maniac. I probably would have been a higher draft pick after my junior year, but I just loved college and I went back for my senior year and...

I loved it, too. I love Florida. I loved going to other sports events. Were you a fan of Urban Meyer? Loved Urban Meyer. Still talk to him to this day. I like him, too. He's great. I did a show when he was coaching at Ohio State. Yeah? He comes to the show, asks if he can meet me, comes backstage. It's weird to see an older man, and I don't know how old he is, but have...

An older than him entourage. Yeah. Like these weird booster dudes. Yeah. Just all hanging out with him. And it couldn't have been sweeter to me. Yeah. I told my wife that she went there when he won this back-to-back and he was all talking about everything. And then she goes, oh, I used to take Pilat or cycling or something from your wife taught a class in games. Really? A workout class. He calls Miss, you know, all these stupid Southern coaches call their wives Miss.

Miss Carly or whatever. Shelly. Miss Shelly. Calls, gets her on speakerphone. Here, she took your class. I'm like, this guy could have been nicer. Yes. I was like, what a good guy. He was, and they were on top of the world, right? And he was winning the championship. So every year he would do this thing where he took one athlete from each sport.

and did, because of Tebow, like a retreat in like his lake house. Every year he would pick me from the basketball team. And like, I didn't know him yet, but like we hadn't hung out. Now we like hang out in the golf course, like a whole nother different dynamic. But he'd take us to his lake house and I think they'd do like an hour of like, you know, Bible study. But then for the other, you know, 23 hours, we were just hanging, playing games, trying like,

getting, you know. So you just sat through the Bible study? Yeah, basically. And he would always do that and he always like showed me love and so I had always been close with him and now retiring and

He's a big golfer. I'm a big golfer. We actually just played in a tournament in Orlando like six months ago, and he's awesome, dude. He's always been cool as fuck. What was that tournament you just won? The Justin Timberlake 8 a.m. Classic. That was in Vegas. Did you ask him about playing the guitar while Brittany was having a miscarriage? Yeah.

Yeah, I brought it up. Yeah. That was actually the first thing I asked. You play golf at all or no? No, I grew up playing golf. I don't play. We got to get you out there. No, I don't like to. It's too much time. That's why it's awesome. No, I'd rather be home. Yeah. I'm like one of these people. You're a better father than I am. You know what?

Gun to my head, I bet I am. But here's the thing. I probably do what you're supposed to do in a marriage 50% of the work.

But I feel like at 50%, there should be a statue in my honor. Oh, for sure. Because I'm like, I'm always just like, look at what I've done. Oh, I do 10. And there is a statue. There is a statue. Yeah, you're not doing it right. All right, so you got married. I'll talk about wives for a second. Yeah. Who has a hotter wife, you or Al Horford? Oof.

I think my wife is a total babe. Sure. Al Horford's wife is also a total babe. I guess it's a preference. All right. I want people to start looking up Al Horford's wife. You're not going to stop there. Keep it rolling. Your wife is a twin? Yeah.

So, yeah, she's got an identical twin. I may have told this story once before, but it doesn't matter if I have. In Titusville, when I was on Squires Drive, I lived across the street from a kid. He was younger than me, and his mom and dad seemed happy enough. His mom dies, and this is like when I'm a kid, but I was old enough to remember this. I was probably 12 or 13. She was a twin. Six months later, he remarries her sister. The twin.

Yeah. And like the kids. Just kept it in house. The kids were much younger than me at the time, probably between like five and eight or nine. And it was almost like just life just went on. Just kept it moving. Yeah.

I mean, listen. That was weird. My daughter, she knows the difference in mom and Hannah. That's good. But yeah, I think if there was a situation where we needed to play a little switcheroo, I don't think they'd miss a beat. There's some DNA thing where she's more my daughter's mom than my brother is my daughter's dad because of the whole twin thing.

Does your wife, does she like get on you about? Never. She's the coolest. She's, I swear, that's why I initially like fell in love with her. She was never like a jealous type. Never. When I first met her, I was reckless. I was despicable. She knew everything about me. I was like the first girl I never had to lie to. It was like, I don't know, it felt good to be honest and finally like

So it was kind of like an open thing for the first couple months. I would go out. I would not call her. I'd call her the next day. I'd tell her what happened. She'd make fun of me. She'd call me gross. And then I would start it off like that, super friends, casual. And then it got to the point where I could see it was affecting her, and it got to the point where I could see I'm hurting her, and I was getting real feelings for her. And then...

It's got to the point where I just didn't want to do that anymore and wanted to be committed to her. Speaking of which, I got to call my wife again. She not called back? Oh, she's called back twice. Let me see. She'll pick up this time. How much that watch cost? Fuck. What do you think she's doing?

Sleeping with Pierre. Goddamn Pierre. How rock solid is your prenup? It's long. You know what's great? Her family, they have a huge trash company in California called Harrison Trash. Her name is Haley Harrison. So they kind of brought the prenup to me. I was like, oh, this is fucking beautiful. So her inheritance, separate. My contract, separate. Everything we do since we're married, separate.

Do people have to pass away for her to get her bag, or is this trickling down to her amoeba? Yeah, there's fingers crossed that there's a couple bite the dust here. Do you get along with your in-laws? Yeah, they're great. They're big sports fans, love the Dodgers. Dad loves cars and basketball. He's super easy to get along with. Does your size intimidate them? Yeah, a little bit. How tall is your wife? 5'8". Oh, she's tall too. Yeah, our kids are...

gotta be monsters or they might not be no but see a kid and they'll be like how old's your daughter like four and I'm like she's one it's almost weird it's uncomfortable oh man but they weren't like they were like nine pounds like 23 inches like they weren't like crazy I have a brother Chase he was like 12 pound baby he was insane how tall is your brother

So I have three. I'm the tallest. They're like 6'4", 6'5", and 6'7". They're all big. If you guys went in a fight against the, what is it, the Jokic brothers. Well, there's only two. There's three of them, actually, I guess. You think you could take them with a four? I got one brother, Chris. He's a little, he's a slippery fella, I think. Team sports. I've never gotten into playing them. I've always enjoyed watching them. You seem like a well-educated person. How many times...

Can you listen to a coach and give two shits what they're saying? It's tough.

I mean, how many speeches can you, how many adjustments can be made before you're like, I get it. We need to score more points. Yeah. Like that's what's tough. Especially now in the NBA too. Like coaches, they get fired all the time. It's like, they're not the fucking ones missing the shots. They're not the ones getting blown by on defense. We know what we're supposed to do. I think coaches now, especially in the NBA, it's all, it's all managing egos. It's all substitutions and rotations. It's,

I think it's the worst job. I would never – I'd much rather this side of it were media and I can talk shit about them doing what they're doing wrong. Okay. You were the 38th pick.

of the 2011 NBA draft by the Houston Rockets. Did you know that your points per game average ranks you 12th from that class at 12.7? Assist rank 11th at 2.7. Rebounds 13th at 4.5. You are number nine in the plus minus at 1.1. I only bring it up to remind Houston they got a first rounder in the second round and also to show how much I love analytics. Yeah, I love that. Sounds like I should have been a much higher pick. What about playing when you were back in Houston, playing with old ball hog?

Was that fun? James Harden. I love playing with James. Uh-huh. He was great. I got nothing about it. Yeah. I just wanted to call him a ball. Yeah.

Is Michael Jordan Anthony Edwards' father? I see this. There was rumors that Jimmy Butler was fucking his son a couple years ago. No, I don't think so. You made more than Michael Jordan in the NBA. Do you ever bring that up to people? No, but that's awesome. I didn't off the court, though. Do you feel that playing in the NBA is appropriating black culture? No.

You know, I will talk about it's funny because the whole race thing, obviously I'm a minority in the NBA and you'll even see it where there'll be like, I would dunk in a game and the announcer would be like, holy shit, like deceptively athletic from Parsons. And then like Kevin Durant would do the same thing. And they'd be like, wow, look at the length on him. And I'm like, fuck, I just did the same thing. Why am I deceptive? You're deceptive. Yeah.

That just comes with it. But now there's so many Europeans. Yeah, but that doesn't count. Do you count? Like when people are talking about white, and I'm like, I can't claim, like we can't claim Dirk. We don't get Jokic. Nope. We get like JJ Redick. Right. Like he's ours. The real honkies. Yeah, yeah.

You played for Mark Cuban. Did you ever try to get on a shark tank and pitch him any ideas? You know what? During COVID, I was going to now after my career, I was going to go and be like the celeb one, you know, like a fifth one over and it never happened because of COVID ever, but he's every investment I've ever done since I've stopped playing for him.

I shoot him an email, and within 20 minutes, he'll respond, ask these questions. He's fantastic when it comes to that shit. He really is. He's a nice person. A thousand percent and 90% of the time when he says, pass, tough market or whatever, I'll pass. And if I've invested in 15 things, 14 of them, 15 of them, he said –

Good idea to do it. He's great when it comes to that. Would you consider yourself... Were you injury prone or no? I was never hurt my entire life. My third year in the NBA, I fell, chipped cartilage in my knee, and from then it was just fucking chaos. I had seven surgeries in nine years, but it all stemmed from that one microfracture surgery, which not many people came back from the beginning. But once that happened...

I was never the same. If it happened today, is the surgery already that much better now? It is. Like Patrick Beverly, he had the same surgery like three or four years ago. He's still playing. Basically, there's a huge... There's a hole. I have like a hole in my knee and they try and fill it and drill in it and put a bunch and it just...

It doesn't work. Like, I'm 35. I need knee replacement already. Double. Are you going to do that? They say you got to wait because I guess you can't get two. So if I need another one in 30 years, if I somehow make it 30 more years. You don't plan to make it 30 more years? I don't know. It's a long time. I'm on a slippery slope. By the way, in Memphis, while you were in Memphis, did you worry that like every time you ate barbecue that somebody was going to shit in your food? Or get shot. Ha ha ha.

That's correct. Memphis is a fun town. No, it's not. Oh, it's the best. The place sucks. It was the most money I ever made and it was the most miserable I ever was. For how long were you there? Three years. Three years in Memphis. Like, the whole city smells like barbecue sauce. It's fucking dangerous. There's nothing to do at night. What are you talking about? You drive down to Tunica. Yeah, to the casino? Yeah. Dude, I would drive to Nashville. I skipped Tunica. I would go straight to Nashville. Nashville's nice. Yeah, but it was, it's not for me.

me. People always, you know, uh,

The normal people in the world feel no sympathy for you. But I think that travel, I can't even wrap my head around what you guys do. The travel is not bad. It's because you're young. But when you think about Popovich doing that travel. Yeah, but you're, I mean, you're tired, but like you're flying private. You're staying at Carlton. What kind of private? What kind of private is the jet? Like 747 big private planes. Can you, can everybody have their own bed? Like a lay flat and then there's like poker tables and stuff. And then you check into the hotel.

No, you go and they give you your key already. Right, of course. No, I know. I know, but you have to go and you're doing it at night, right? Usually, like, yeah, after a game. If it's a back-to-back, it sucks. You're getting in at 1, 2 a.m. and you're playing at 7 p.m. the next night. You're tired, but again, at the end of the day, you sleep in. You're not paying for anything. There's trainers and masseuses and everything. You're talking to the people here on their side. I'm not. I'm like, nope, wouldn't do it. I mean, Matt, I love playing basketball.

Do I want to play twice a week? Fuck no. Well, that's the worst part. Now that I'm retired and now when I travel and find my family, I'm like, damn, this isn't free. I got to pay for this shit. I got to, and that's,

That sucks. Yeah, that's where you mess up. See, like as a comic, I get to still be like, oh, guess what? We're going to do a show here. Yeah. And it's like, now I'm going to offset this whole expense. Yeah. Atlanta, you're there. How long before the accident happened? Three months. By the way, who was the driver? I didn't catch his name. It was a man? It was basically this 56-year-old guy who lived at home, third DUI. Third DUI. Complete junkie. Well, I mean, usually after three, you figure things out.

How's he doing? I think he's in the slammer. Is he? I mean, fuck, he should be. Well, of course he should be. Yeah, but I don't know. You don't know? I haven't checked in with him. You've never had like a, like, I'm going to sit down with him and forgive this man? No, I had like this whole lawsuit thing, and there was this whole thing where I basically had to choose whether I was going to play or make a lot of money from the insurance company, and so I went through this whole thing. He had insurance, though. He had no fucking insurance. Well, what insurance company did you sue? My own. Your own insurance, you sued him? Yeah. Oh, are you still with them as a company? Yeah.

You are? Yeah. I mean, they have billions of dollars. I didn't get that much, but yeah, they kept me around. You signed with, this is fascinating to me. Your lawyers were Morgan and Morgan. They're Florida guys. Yeah.

And they even went to UF. And the father, John Morgan, went to high school with my parents. Okay. At Winter Park High School. I didn't know they were anything. I just thought they were ambulance chasers when I was a kid growing up because I'd see their commercials. Well, I think that's what they started as and they do all the corny commercials for the people. But now they're just- Now they're here. Now they're everywhere. Right. And they're like worth- Multiple billions. It's crazy. That was my first call. All right. And-

And speaking of ambulance chasers, then I actually, during my case, I literally did a commercial for them, which is pathetic. I had like, I was so, they took me golfing first in Orlando. I get wasted. My hair was like blonde from Coachella and I did a commercial for Morgan & Morgan. I need you to look it up. To cut my, like to save money on my fees. So I now was like a mascot for Morgan & Morgan. Now you can't tell us the amount, but

Who paid you more, Morgan & Morgan or Memphis? Memphis, because it was for three. All right. Yeah. Well, I didn't know what kind of number they were throwing around. I mean, like, I'm sure Morgan & Morgan were saying, this guy was going to be the next, you know, Michael Jordan had he just had a few more years in the league. Yeah. How long was your actual physical recovery from the accident?

six months to like a year but like it's scary when you're fucking when you're dealing with the brain like I would literally like there'd be scenarios where I would like forget shit and I would like say the wrong thing I would stutter and I'm like shit like that that actually was happening that wasn't happening before are you fully recovered yeah I think so what car were you driving

It's tacky to say. Rolls Royce. Are they good in accidents? I mean, I think it's a goddamn cruise ship. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's the good thing. Yeah. The ambulance said if I was in a smaller car or something, I would have been toast. So you're telling me that buying a Rolls Royce saved your life? Dude, lifesaver. That should be your sponsor. Right. Instead of Morgan & Morgan for the people. I mean, how many more years did you really have?

Three tops. Because my knees, my knees were still fucked. Your knees aren't because of the accident. No. I've been, they didn't bring, Morgan and Morgan didn't bring that up very often. No, but the defense did. It was a strong defense. Were they just screaming, look at his knees. Which, by the way, it's very humbling. You're just sitting in this, like, fucking meeting and this one, your lawyers are telling basically, like, you're,

brain is fried. The other one's telling how you suck at basketball. You're done anyways. I'm like, what the fuck did I do besides get hit by a drunk driver? Why am I just getting shit on here left and right? Okay. So now in a healthy space, are you one of these people that's like, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have it any other way. Or would you rather that not have happened? No, I wish that would not have happened because I was healthy and I was planning on playing. I was about to be a free agent because my contract was up to, uh,

So I was going to, I was 31 years old. So I'd know I'd rather be playing basketball. You didn't make enough money to be like, no, it's worth it to go out. No, I did, but I would still rather not go through that. I know. I will see like, like, you know, my contract over at comedy central was potentially terminated wrongfully with like five years left on it when the pandemic happened. And now looking back on the situation,

I wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah. I would much rather get paid and not work.

Well, yeah. Well, that's what I did for three years in Memphis, which is why I'm like bin Laden in that town. I can't go back there. Right. But you're saying that you would rather play basketball than get paid to not play basketball. I end up doing fucking commercials for them instead of playing basketball. Yeah, but that's because you had a head injury. You should be able to sue them a little bit. I should. They played me. They took advantage of a concussed kid. How many times...

Are you wearing a pair of shoes in the NBA? Are they brand new? No, not brand new. They're always broken in? You change your shoes like once a week. Once a week. Yeah, you kind of give them in and out. You want to have a little wear and tear on them, but then once they kind of give a little bit, you switch them out. What if you're on the bench? What if you don't play? I think they've got a lot more life, though. Okay. But you're still practicing with them. You're still shooting around. Then if you're not playing, that means you're actually practicing and working harder than the guys that are actually playing. So you've still got to change them out. Who is your shoe sponsor?

I was all over. I was Nike, and then I was Adidas, then I went Chinese. Are you still Chinese? No. No. Okay.

Do you have a shoe sponsor still? No. Have you ever, old sneakers from like the 80s and 90s, they're so heavy. Oh, they're awful. I can't imagine. When do you watch these cats playing like Chuck Taylors and stuff? Well, at least those were light. But even like the Jordans, like I can't play like Jordan 11s or like, they're insane. They're so chunky. Do you, or you have a stupid shoe collection? I do. I have a lot of shoes, but like, I just, I don't wear them. Like I don't wear like all the high top Jordan, like ones and fours and 11s. I love those back in the day. I'm not going to like wear them out.

I'm not into, I mean, I have a ton of shoes, but I don't. You have big, what do you like? You like Dunks? What? You like Nike Dunks? No. What do you got? What are you dealing with? I wear Fendi.

Oh, you bougie bitch. What are you making? Huh? Off this? Yeah. You still doing any modeling? No. I remember driving down La Cienega. I would be going to the comedy clubs at night to work out my material. And I saw you, your sexiness up on La Cienega. I think you're dry humping a motorcycle with a hot chick. And I was just like, fuck.

Fuck this guy. God damn it, he's got it all. Buffalo jeans. That was... But then you got hit by a car. No, that was... We did like a shoot in like Key West and it was like there was this like Brazilian model girl and it was... I remember it was like legitimate like soft poured and they aired it during the Super Bowl. Yeah.

Thank God those jeans are tight. Now, you were probably, I would say, I mean, this is biased, I guess. You were probably the sexiest person in the NBA when you played. Did you agree with that or no? I mean, I think— You were up there. I think I did pretty well. You're a good-looking fella. Thanks, man. Now, who do you think currently is the sexiest man in the NBA? Hmm.

Currently, there's the new young kid on the Thunder SGA people love. He's got like the Skims deal. No, it's Kelly Oubre. Kelly Oubre's got great eyes. God damn it, is he beautiful. He's tall. He's light skin. Every time they do a close-up on him, I'm like, oh, get the camera off. Get the camera off. I'm going to get a boner. He's definitely not ugly. I got to give you a gift. Everybody that comes on the show gets a gift. I love that. We're going to do a jersey swap. Is that what you want to do? Oh, no. I'll just take this off. What do we got? My jersey. Yay.

Yay. I love that. The UCF, the you can't finish. Yeah. I graduated. Wow. Can you sign it? Yeah. I'm going to sign this for you. Where are you supposed to sign a jersey? I mean, do you have it? What color is the marker? Well, it's going to be black, most likely. Well, if it's silver, I'd go. If it's black, go here. Uh-huh. I'll sign that. I'm going to put my shirt back on. Yeah, why not? I took my shirt off because I wanted to say jersey swap. Yeah. This is... What is this? No, this... I didn't open it. Let me tell you something about what this gift is.

My friend who went, she's going to be furious that I'm giving this away. Are you re-gifting me? Yeah, that's all I do. So my friend sends this to my kid and I'm like, oh, we already have this. She told me what it was before it came. And then she goes, we'll just send it back to customer service. And that's what my wife was going to do. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. That's fucking too much work. Yeah. So I'm just going to give it. All right. I got a nice, yeah.

So you know what it is? I think, unless it's not that, there could be something else in there. I think it's supposed to just be like a little thing for a girl. How old is your girl? Two and a half. Whatever. She might not. It's probably something for her baby dolls.

It was probably... She's a doctor now, though. She went to UF. Really? I've got a lot of UF. Oh, it's all in my family. It's like a little stroller for her babies or something. Oh. Yeah. A little basket stroller? Yeah, but it's got the thing that goes over. You'll like it. Oh, that's nice. But we already have it. Well, thank you. Now you come home today, you give her a gift, and she's like, what? Thank you. Wow. Thanks. She's going to love it.

Put it on the floor. Yeah. Let's talk FanDuel. Are you a gambler? I am a big gambler. I'm a huge gambler, but not huge stakes. I like to gamble on everything, but I don't put huge wagers down. You spend real money? Yeah. Why? Why?

I just, I love it. It's like, it's my thing. So do I. Yeah, it's my thing. But if you, the problem is once you bring the numbers up, you have to keep them up. I know. And it's, you're not, over time you're going to lose. Yeah, I don't, I can easily, if I bet $1,000, I'm just, I'm terrified. I'm terrified.

Of the loss. Do you watch it and sweat it out? Yes. Oh, see, I'll put a lot more than that, and I won't even notice it. It's a sickness. You know my favorite bet in the NBA is the first of 15. You like that bet? I love it. See, I don't like these parlays. I don't like those. I don't even like prop bets. I like a teaser for an NFL. NBA bets are stupid because who can cover 12 points? It's so hard to bet NBA. I am still furious at Klay Thompson for what he did in Memphis last

Maybe two years ago, I had it. It was a five-game parlay. Golden State was my final one. They had to cover, and he gets fouled with no time left on the clock. And all he has to do is hit one to cover. Yeah.

He missed both. And I was like, well, Clay. I'm telling you, dude, it's hard. I'm not saying that I wished horrible things that day, but fuck him. I couldn't handle it. You know what's funny is when you're playing, too, like I never – you don't know that when you're playing. It's not like Clay Thompson has any clue of the – No. But then you watch these bad beats and it's crazy, man. Yeah. My favorite NFL bet is over under two people throwing a pass.

in a game like a like a backup or something or like right a backup or a lateral then into a throw i love it yeah oh gosh you go you go deep you go you get weird on the bets you don't do a good old-fashioned spread or money line i do all those you do yeah i do everything but i don't like i do small wagers i you know you have a coin talk you bet how long the fucking national anthem is no that's not a real bet it used to be how about the streaker

Did you see this at the Super Bowl? The fucking guy bet like 300 grand that there'd be a streaker during the Super Bowl, and then he streaked and paid 5K to get out, and then he ended up netting crazy money. I call bullshit on that whole story. You do a show on FanDuel hosted by Michelle Beadle. Yeah. I love her too. She's fantastic. She's really funny. Did she get canned by ESPN or did she leave?

I think it's one of those things you can't fire me because I quit. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? But she's good. She's awesome. She's a spitfire. She is hilarious. She knows her shit. She's vulgar. She's one of the boys. She's San Antonio, isn't she? Die hard. Oh, yeah. And now all of a sudden a Knicks fan during the playoffs. Eddie here just cares so much about the Spurs. I don't understand it. Like, he's a grown man.

I'm a grown man. I shouldn't even say that, but like his dog is named Duncan. Oh, really? He has a personalized license plate that says Duncan. Really? Duncan ****.

Well, you don't tell people your exact license plate. Fucking idiot. What's your social, Eddie? But I'm like, at what level, like, these men that are older than the people that they idolize, it's so weird. Yeah, like, my buddy's a huge Packers fan. Like, he'll... It'll piss him off when they lose... Like, he's losing sleep. Like, I love the Gators, but, like, if they lose, like, I'm not thrilled, but it's like, it's not changing my fucking day. Uh-huh. I know grown-ass men that, like...

are not going to work the next day. I'm a diehard Heat fan. Really? Yeah.

Everything. Miami, I care about everything. You love the whole when LeBron went there? Yeah, yeah. Oh, we're going to win a bunch? Great. Did you like the decision where he took his talents and did the whole press conference? Sure, sure. I'm all for the theater. Why not? None of that bothers me. But I'm always about the team. And as soon as you leave, I fucking hate you immediately. That's fair. But I'll tell you something that's embarrassing about how I can watch a game. I like to find out if

If they won or lost before I watch. And then... Oh, really? And then if they lost... Like you TiVo it? Yeah. Well, I don't TiVo it because... Is that still a thing? No. It's a thing. But if I know they won, I get very excited and I can watch it. If they lost...

If you know they lost, you still go back and watch it. What was your team growing up? Orlando Magic. You cared about them? Oh, Shaq and Penny. Penny. That was good. What's funny is I used to fucking love Grant Hill. And he comes to Orlando. And this fucking guy was always hurt. And I remember hating him. And then fast forward my career. I go. I sign. And I'm always hurt. And I'm like, why do these people hate me? And I'm like, oh, that's right. I once saw Grant Hill checking out of a hotel in South Beach. And I couldn't believe how long he was complaining about his bill.

Like an extra 10D on his bill. I was just sitting there going, why is he whining about this? Like, just walk away. Do you check out of hotels? No. I don't either. I just leave. Well, I saw Grant Hill yelling at somebody, so I was like, I'm going to listen. We probably should because our bill is probably a little— No, I got Pete. Pete takes care of it. Attaboy, Pete. I need a Pete. Oh, you don't have a Pete? No. You got to get a Pete. Get a Pete. I'm probably paying double. Have you been back to Gainesville? No.

Yeah. So I went back this past year. I actually got inducted into the Hall of Fame. Thanks for having those and your fucking 38 questions and all that.

Hall of Fame? Like Hall of Fame for University of Florida? That's exciting. Yeah. Let's dive into that. Congratulations. No, thanks, man. But yeah, I went back this last year. I go like, I try to go once a year for a football game. Here's what I think of, if you're there for a football game, great. If you're not, it's a little depressing. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh no, it's not as cute as I remember Gainesville being. Well, now you go back and see, I'm old and I'm creepy if I'm at the ball. It's just, it's not, it's not the same. This is my last attempt.

I want to know who this girl was doing blowjobs. Can I write down a name that I think it is? Yep. No. It's not? Mm-mm. Well, she's... We got a new name now. Oh, God. So you're telling me there's two of them this whole time? You could have been getting double. Yeah. Wow. Oh, man. How's that? Chandler, thank you for being on the show. All the best. And I'll see you around. Yeah, thanks, dude. Appreciate it.

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Well, Carl, that backfired miserably. Now I want to have sex with Chandler Parsons, too. Chandler Parsons!

That's just fun to do. A lot of people are turned off by the NBA because the players complain about fouls too much. After every single play, they're turning to the ref to complain. I have a solution for this that I think everybody would enjoy. When you complain about a foul, the ref immediately stops the game.

And then they go check to see if you were right. And if you're wrong, the next time out...

Um, they bring out one of your family members or whoever you have watching the game in attendance. They bring them out during the little, uh, halftime where they, you know, sometimes a lot of like a lady spinning plates or doing some entertainment. Now the entertainment is we bring out one of your, your, your friends or your family members and we cut a finger off. Yeah.

That's going to be entertaining to watch. Sure. If you're at, you're going to want to go to the games. Like, Oh yeah, I hear they sometimes cut family members fingers off and then it's going to stop people from complaining. They're gonna be like, Oh shit, I better get this right. Cause my mom's only got two fingers left. Season ticket. This is my, this is my, uh, this is my fix. I want to plug, uh, my standup dates, but I also want to say something when shows are sold out, uh,

Don't go. People always just buy tickets secondhand. I've heard people say, oh, you know, I spent $300 for a ticket and it was just okay. Well, fuck you. My comedy's not worth $300.

Okay. You buy them right when they come out. Oh, the tickets are $59. I can give you an amazing night for $59, $300. No, that's not, that's not the lane I'm in. That's your fault. There there's a formula for my comedy. That's why, that's why this works right now. Listening to Carl and I is entertaining. Why? Because you've spent $0.

If this was $300, you'd be like, you fucking better make that dog dance or something. All right. So anyway, buy tickets to the ones that aren't sold out. Like I'm sure Louisville's got tons left. Indianapolis, there's a second show there. So come see me in Vegas. You get it. All right. Don't forget the goat. Every Thursday, a new episode drops. BoysWearPink.com. Nothing cuter.

than seeing a toddler in pink. I've always said, speaking of toddlers, another one of my son's riveting bedtime stories. We'll see you next week. Once upon a time in a land, there were two little toddlers, and they know how to jump, but the only thing they didn't know how was a swim. So one day...

They put their bathing boots on. They went outside. They got under the tree and they went out to swim in the tree. And it was so fun. So one day, the Oreos in the Oreos. Oreos, Oreos. And then...

When the Oreo's saying, it kept getting louder and louder and louder until it got super loud until there was a monster come in. The end.

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